20 Sided Stories

MARVEL: Survivors of The Snap

Episode 8 - Mare in the Night

Air Date: May 20, 2020

[Podcast Intro music plays throughout.]

Sage G.C.: 20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Marvel Studios, Marvel Entertainment, The Walt Disney Company, or any other associates or official canon.

Traivs Reaves: This is a fan-made parody piece created in fair use, and all mentioned names, products, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

Jessica Dahlgren: The bulk of what you're about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who love the MCU, and we're so excited for you to join us on this superpowered adventure.

[Intro crescendos.]

Travis: Thank you.

Jessica: And welcome.

Sage: To 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Radio switches on.]

Woman: You're listening to…

[Rock music introduction.]

Man: 616 Power!

Bart: Good afternoon, Los Angeles. This is The News [sighs]. Um, got a lot o’ flack recently about some comments I made about the Avengers. Lot o’ their fans are out there saying that they meant well and they’re just out there meddling in other peoples’ affairs for the sake of human rights.

Well here’s The News! You have to be human to have human rights. Okay? Our top guys speculate that there’s some core elements to being a super that separates you—

Let me ask you this, if you can go around doing whatever you want—bending time and reflecting lasers—are you human? Really? In a practical sense, are you human?

It’s kinda like that old- that saw. Everybody is made equal but some people are more equal. That’s what we’re dealing with. That’s what’s going on here, people. That’s why you see all this chaos in the streets. That’s why there’s this madness. And I have to say, as a flesh and blood human, I can tell you for a fact…

Look at the polar bears, look at the mammoths, look at the Neanderthals. Every species that takes a subservient role gets driven out, made extinct, and destroyed. That’s what’s goin’ on, and I’m just tellin’ you how it is. Sorry that- sorry that’s how it is. That’s just how it is.

And now we’re going to take a quick commercial break for this word from Oreos.

[A switch clicks as Bart turns off his audio recording. Paper rustles as he gathers his notes and taps them on the table.]

Okay.

[A chair creaks as he leans back.]

Another one for the books.

[A power door slides open. Metal footsteps clank.]

Glitter Can: I’m here.

[Suspenseful music slowly builds.]

Bart: [haughty] Glitter Can, put that visor up and look me in the eye when you’re talkin’ to me.

Glitter Can: Excuse me?

Bart: [slow] Put your visor up and look me in the eye when you’re talking to me.

Glitter Can: That was a rhetorical “excuse me”. These are my eyes. Just tell me what you- tell me what you need me to— Just fucking talk to me.

Bart: [sighs] Cyborgs. Half- one foot in, half foot out [sighs]. Glitter Can, I gotta- I gotta ask you something.

Glitter Can: …Yes?

Bart: I gotta ask you to do something for me.

[Beat.]

Glitter Can: What?

Bart: Go destroy the Fort!

[Suspenseful music crescendos and cuts off.]

[The low hum of a driving car is heard. Masha hums a tune.]

Lily: I need to pee.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Masha: Well, um…

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

You want me to pull over or… I mean there’s not really a spot to…

Lily: Just, like, I don’t know. Next gas station or rest stop. Like…

Dan: I don’t think there’s gonna be anymore. We’re gettin’ pretty close and in the…pretty much the literal middle of nowhere.

Lily: [groans] I’ll pee in S.H.I.E.L.D., fine!

[Sage snorts. Emily stifles laughter.]

[Car engine begins rumbling.]

Whoa!

Masha: Oh god.

Lily: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Masha: [moans] Nooo.

[Engine cuts off. Music.]

Eric: You put water in before we left?

Masha: What?

Eric: [quiet] Never mind.

Lily: Is it supposed to smoke?

Dan: Did the car just break down?

Masha: Y…this isn’t supposed to happen, so yes, the car is breaking down. I don’t know what’s going on. This is—

Eric: Alright, alright. Pull over. Pull over.

Dan: I thought you said Matter O’ Fact fixed it.

Masha: No, I said Otto Repairman fixed it.

Dan: So- but he didn’t. Clearly he didn’t.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lily: Dammit.

Eric: Well, I mean, this thing- this- this is old. This could be one of anything. My mom had one of these cars. They’re [sighs] After a while— German engineering, what can you do? Look, can we pull over?

Masha: Yeah.

[Tires crunch on gravel, slowing down.]

Well, kinda have to now [nervous scoff]. Um…

[Lily groans. A light clunk is heard as Masha puts the car in Park.]

Here, Lily, you can go pee outside if you want now.

[A car door opens.]

Eric: Might need you to pee on the engine block. It’s overheating.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[Masha moans in disagreement.]

Lily: I’m not gonna do that.

Masha: Yeah, it doesn’t sound very safe.

Eric: That was…that wasn’t serious.

Masha: Oh. You were making a joke [chuckles]. Sorry.

[Dan sighs. Lily laughs mockingly.]

Eric: Alright.

Masha: Um…

Dan: So what now?

Masha: Well…

Lily: We gonna walk to S.H.I.E.L.D.?

[Quiet clicking as the car’s engine cools down.]

Masha: Really late right now, though. Should we wait and- overnight in the car and then go or…

Dan: Eric, you packed those beers, right?

Eric: [hesitant] Yeah. They’re warm. But they’re here.

[Dan sighs.]

Look, I-I don’t think any of us are in the place to really go storming…walking through the desert, like we’re founding some religion, and then storming S.H.I.E.L.D. We’d probably be better off hunkering down for the night, getting a start early, and hopefully sleeping off some of, uh [tsks] whatever it is that we’re going through right now.

Lily: Yeah, how long do you guys think we can sit in uncomfortable silence before we pretend to sleep?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Footsteps crunch on dirt.]

Eric: Drinkin’ warm beer!

[Car door opens.]

That’s it. Drinkin’ warm beer!

Lily: Alright. I’m gonna go pee. I-I’ll be right back.

[Car door shuts. Beer can cracks and hisses open.]

[Episode music plays.]

Episode 8 – Mare in the Night

[Crickets chirp. A fire crackles.]

Dan: Alright, alright, alright [sighs]. Um [tsks] Okay. Okay.

[A beer can cracks and hisses open.]

Fuck, marry, kill. Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, uh, Professor Hulk, Hawkeye.

Masha: …So you fuck the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen?

Dan: Well, no, it’s up to you. What you wanna- is that what—

Masha: Oh, I thought- okay.

Lily: [languidly] He’s, like, suggesting three names and then you gotta, like [clicks tongue]—

Eric: Pick.

Lily: —make a decision.

Masha: Okay, can you repeat that one again?

Dan: Devils of h- Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, uh, Professor Hulk, and the bow guy. The Hawkeye. Bow guy.

Masha: Oh, wow. That’s kinda hard.

Dan: I mean, I got my answer. But I pitched it, so I can’t go first.

Lily: I bet you Hawkeye’s good with his hands.

Dan: Good aim.

Masha: I would wanna, like, fuck and marry the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen.

[An owl hoots.]

I feel like he has a way with moves [chuckles]. Sorry guys.

Lily: Masha! [chuckles]

[Dan, Lily, and Masha chuckle.]

Eric: Guys, it’s…it’s easy. You kill Hawkeye, because…come on. You fuck the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, ’cause that’s a great time. You marry Professor Hulk because, you know, he’s safe.

[Masha makes a vague disagreement noise.]

Dan: He’s safe, he’s smart, he’s big.

Eric: Yeah.

Dan: Yeah, honestly, Eric, changed my answer. You- you convinced me.

Masha: Yeah, but he can get really—

Lily: Is that what you look for in a man? Safe, smart, and big?

Eric: It is, in fact.

Masha: ’Cept for the fact that he turns into, like, a really big, green monster.

Eric: Have you s— He is a big green monster. Have you seen him?

Dan: Yeah, I don’t know if you saw. It’s permanent now. He’s good.

Masha: Oh, yeah!

Dan: Yup.

Eric: Yeah.

Dan: Yeah.

Masha: That’s true.

Eric: He was on Access Hollywood yesterday.

Masha: He’s just milking it up.

Eric: He’s in a movie. Him and Dwayne.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

It’s wild. It’s him and then Dwayne and then Kevin Hart.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Masha: And then John Cena has a cameo.

Eric: Yeah. They’re doing Twins—

Lily: I thought John Cena got Snapped.

Eric: —but it’s quintuplets. No. Quadtuplets.

Masha: [scoffs] Did he? I have to check. Let me Google it.

Eric: What does it mean when there’s four kids?

Lily: Check- check- check the app.

Masha: Yeah, let me check the Snap App.

[Clothes rustle as Masha pulls her phone out.]

Eric: I can’t belie— That seems in such poor taste, that they made that.

[Quiet snicks are heard as Masha types on her phone.]

Lily: Are there ads on that? Do they monetize it?

Eric: No, there’s a pro version you can get.

Masha: Yeah, there’s, like, in-app purchases.

Dan: It’s only a dollar.

Lily: That’s really fucked [scoffs].

Masha: Um, John Cena—

Eric: It suggests other people that may have been Snapped too for you to check on.

Lily: Oh.

Masha: Yeah, John Cena got Snapped. I totally thought he was in that movie.

Dan: Oh, you’re thinking of Jason Statham.

Masha: Oooh!

Eric: Really?

Lily: Did he get Snapped?

Masha: No, John Cena got Snapped.

Dan: Yeah, John Cena got Snapped.

Lily: Oh. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Eric: But is Mark Wahlberg okay?

Masha: I don’t- let me check.

[Search result beeps.]

Yeah.

Eric: Yeah, what?

Masha: He’s fine.

Eric: Oh thank god.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Dan: It’s amazing that you have reception out here.

Masha: Well, you know. Verizon.

Eric: Yeah.

Dan: Verizon.

Masha: Yeah.

Dan: AT&T Snapped?

Masha: Yeah.

Dan: [quiet] Yeah. That’s too bad.

[Traivs snorts. Emily stifles laughter.]

Masha: The whole network is gone.

Dan: Speaking of, uh, any texts from Theo on the whole clone situation?

Masha: No, not yet.

Dan: [tsks] Hmm. Well, smart call on those beers, Eric.

[Traivs snorts.]

Eric: You’re, uh, you’re welcome. I, uh, needed cash back.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Dan: Nee… Like- like you want me to pay you back?

Eric: No, no, no. As in, I got— I-I-I needed cash—

Dan: Oh, you needed cash and you need to go buy—

Eric: —but I didn’t wanna go to the ATM—

Dan: Yes.

Eric: —’cause I didn’t wanna pay the service fees.

Dan: So you—

Eric: So I went to the grocery store—

Dan: So you bought two six-packs.

Eric: And I bought two six-packs because, you know, it’s- they’re gonna be a long- but it was mostly for the… You’re welcome.

[Beat.]

Um…

Lily: Do we feel like the drinking age applies after the Snap?

Dan: Oh shit! [stifles laughter] Are you drinking? Should we be- should we be letting her drink?

Eric: Oooh.

Masha: Lily!

Eric: Oh god.

Lily: I’m not driving!

Masha: Oh my god.

Lily: Nobody’s driving.

Eric: Yeah, nobody’s driving. We’re not driving this car anymore. This car is done.

Dan: It’s fine, we’re all—

Lily: Dude, d’you wanna- d’you wanna feel how drunk I am [stifles laughter] right now?

[Dan stifles laughter.]

You wanna feel how drunk I am right now?

Eric: No.

Dan: [amused] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Eric: No. No.

Lily: Come on, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon!

Eric: No.

Lily: Come on! [giggles]

[Eric groans and sighs.]

Masha: She gave you permission.

Eric: But I don’t want to! That doesn’t mean- just because she— [sighs]

Dan: [mumbles] Didn’t stop you from tappin’ into me. Go for it.

Eric: Shut the fuck up, Daniel.

Dan: Go for it.

Eric: I just apologi—

Lily: [giggles] Yeah, shut the fuck up, Daniel!

Dan: Please call me Dan.

Masha: It was a solid burn.

[A rumbling whoosh as Eric uses his power. A second rumble is heard as he untaps.]

Eric: Yup, she’s drunk.

Lily: [stifles laughter] What’re you? A cop? [giggles]

[sighs] Does anybody have water?

Dan: Uh…

Eric: I only got the six-packs.

Dan: Well, we’re only, like, a mile [sighs] from the base. It’s, uh, it’s in, like, a…like a [stammers] It’s like an aband- it’s like a ghost town thing. Like, it looks like a ghost town when you pass through. It’s called Skidoo, but if you actually go into the mine, they set up a whole thing.

Lily: [snorts] Sorry. Can you say that one more time? [giggles]

Dan: Uh…Skidoo.

[Lily snorts.]

The S.H.I.E.L.D. outpost is in the ghost town, Skidoo.

[Lily wheezes.]

[amused] Look this wasn’t my decision.

Lily: Please stop saying it [giggles].

[Dan chuckles.]

Masha: Alright, I think we should probably go to sleep. I don’t want Lily getting more drunk than this. I’m a little concerned [stifles laughter].

[Leaves rustle.]

Woman: [distant; grunts] Oh, shoot.

[Suspenseful music. Masha gasps.]

Dan: Somebody just trip in the bushes?

[Sage stifles laughter. Traivs snorts.]

Masha: Do you guys hear something?

Eric: Yeah.

Lily: [sighs] Yes. Always.

Masha: Have you been hearing a lot of things since we’ve been parked here?

Lily: Uh, there’s, like, a very quiet coyote, maybe, whose leg is broken. Um, ’cause there’s somebody’s doin’- doin’ a stumble. [takes a breath] Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Dan: [quiet] Eric, you think it’s one of the…agents? No, but they think- they think—

Eric: Out here?

Dan: They think you’re dead, right? They- oh, they got you. They have you right now.

Eric: Y-y-yeah. No. I’m- I’m- I’m good. I mean, I’m in danger, but I’m good.

Dan: But other you…yeah. Okay. Y-you’re- yeah.

Eric: Yeah, no. I’m in serious trouble, but I’m fine.

Dan: Okay, um…

Eric: Are we— It’s the middle of the desert. Who’s gonna be out here? It’s a coyote or a tumbleweed. Like…

[Lily makes a drunken disagreement noise.]

Dan: Mmm.

Lily: It’s a tumbleweed that breathes. And also smells like meat.

[Footsteps crunch on dirt. Leaves rustle.]

Masha: I see something moving outside.

Eric: Hmm?

Dan: Who goes there? Hello?

Eric: Hello?

Dan: Me and Eric have guns! Er, me and Scry have guns!

Eric: Man, just…

[Try-hard villain laughter.]

Eric: That person sounds like they’re opening their mouth way too much to laugh.

Lily: Nnnot a coyote.

Eric: Who is this? Hello! Who are you?

Lily: That sounds like a lady person.

[Suspenseful music.]

Lady Person: [English accent] You people and your silly guns! They- they won’t keep out intruders in the night.

Dan: [stifles laughter] Did we end up in the UK at some point?

Eric: What hap—

Lily: [groans] Oh, this is a really bad production of Oliver.

[Sage and Traivs stifle laughter.]

Lady Person: Oye! What’re you talkin’ about?

Masha: How can you see? It’s dark at night.

Dan: [amused] Yeah, take off your sunglasses.

Lily: What’re you doing here?

Dan: Wait a minute.

Eric: Huh.

Dan: Eric.

Eric: What?

Dan: She…[slow] looks like one of the…

Lady Person: I look really cool!

Masha: [stage whispers] She’s got a trench coat on!

Eric: Oh!

Dan: [whispers] She’s a trenchcoat person.

Lily: [slow] Oh no.

Eric: Oh!

Lily: [slow] Oh, but she’s- she’s talkin’ an’ stuff. And she’s British.

Dan: [whispers frantically] Lily, Lily, L…relax.

Lily: What?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lady Person: Yeah, you’re right, I’m talkin’. I’m talkin’- I’ll talk all night! Wh-whatever you guys got to say, I’ll talk over it. So shut up!

Eric: [slow] Okaaay.

Dan: Look, if you’re- if you’re here to kill us, uh—

Lady Person: I ain’t here to kill you. I’m here to scare you. That’s right. I know all of your inner thoughts an’ fears, and I, with the power of this trench coat, an’ what I have in my pocket, am gonna make it happen.

Masha: Make what happen?

Lily: Ah, Christian Bale! That’s who she sounds like!

[Traivs stifles laughter.]

Just came to me. Just got it. Loop just caught up.

Eric: O-okay. Um…

Masha: What d’you- what?

Eric: She’s—

Masha: You sound like you’re crazy!

Eric: She’s got something in her pocket, and she knows all of our fears aaand that’s about- that’s what I got from that.

Masha: Are you mentally well?

Lady Person: Oye, you there.

Eric: Hmm?

Lady Person: I’m not sure what you look like. Other than…um…dumb!

[Traivs scoffs.]

Obviously! Um…

Eric: Ow.

Dan: That’s rude.

Lily: Got a point. She got a point.

Lady Person: Good thing that car’s not working, ’cause that honk noise would make you think about geese, and you’re afraid of them. ’Cause I know what your mind says.

Lily: [gasps; amused] Are you afraid of geese? [chuckles]

Eric: What? No. J- I’m not afra—

Lady Person: Honk, honk!

Eric: I’m not- Shut up!

[Lily giggles.]

I’m not afraid of geese.

Lady Person: Honk!

Dan: Look, since you get to know all my secrets, Lily, Masha, he’s 100% afraid of geese [chuckles].

[Lily gasps in amusement.]

Eric: Shut up, Daniel!

Lily: [slow] Oh my god!

Dan: [chuckles] Hundred percent! Please call me Dan.

Eric: I told you—

Dan: Hundred percent! ’Fraid o’ geese. One time at the park, holy shit [stifles laughter].

Eric: [yells] I said we were never gonna talk about that anymore!

[Eric, Masha, and Dan yell over each other.]

Masha: [yells] Yeah, but you told- you didn’t—

Dan: [loud] You said- you also said you weren’t gonna tap into me, so go!

Eric: [yells] They’re mean! It’s a bird that’s vindictive! That’s not okay?

Lily: Listen—

[The Lady Person lets out another try-hard villain laugh.]

Lady Person: Anyways.

[Sage snorts.]

Tell me all your secrets!

Eric: Huh?

Lily: What?

Masha: No.

Lily: No.

Eric: Uh, n-no.

Lady Person: Wha— Uh, don’t you know who I am?

Masha: No…

[Eric stammers in confusion]

Lily: Absolutely not.

Eric: No. Could- what?

Dan: You work for somebody, but we don’t know who and—

Eric: Or do they work for- you’re—

Masha: You’re probably from England, but I still don’t really know if that’s—

Lady Person: I work for somebody who’s very important! I work for somebody so important, that I’m also important. I’m so high up the chain, that I’m very important. So you guys should all be afraid of me. Which I know you are! ’Cause I can read—

Eric: Are you two orphans in one trench coat?

[Sage chuckles.]

’Cause this is the kind of logic I’d expect from two orphans in one trench coat.

Lady Person: Honk, honk!

[Clattering and splashing as Eric chucks his beer can.]

Eric: Fuck!

Lady Person: And you! I know what your fear is.

Masha: Me?

Lady Person: Yeah! Decide between your worst fears, and I’ll know you can’t decide, because you have a fear of decidin’.

Masha: [quiet] Um…

Eric: I mean, I knew that.

Lily: Oh. Yeah.

Masha: Yeah, I’m kinda- I’m- I’m—

Lady Person: Well, I’ve never met her before, but I still knew that.

Eric: Oh.

Masha: Well sometimes—

[The Lady Person lets out another try-hard villain laugh.]

Masha: Some- sometimes—

Lady Person: Honk!

[Traivs stifles laughter.]

Masha: Sometimes people can tell—

Eric: You gotta stop that shit, okay?

[Beth stifles laughter.]

Masha: Sometimes people can tell my— It’s okay, I don’t need to finish.

Eric: No, no. I’m sorry. Sorry. Sorry. [to Lady] I’m sorry, we’ve been drinkin’.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lady Person: I bet you couldn’t decide what to drink!

Lily: No, he actually- he brought it. So he made the decision for us.

Lady Person: Oh.

Masha: Yeah, I didn’t really have to make a decision. I just felt like I needed a drink, so I just drank whatever was there.

Lily: She decided to drink that! The fuck do you know?

Masha: Thanks, Lily.

Lady Person: I know—

Lily: Up top!

Lady Person: —what you’re afraid of!

Masha: High-five.

[Hands clap as Lily and Masha high-five.]

Lady Person: That’s what I know. I know what you’re afraid of.

Lily: Yeah?

Lady Person: ’Cause I can read your mind.

Lily: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Lady Person: There’s somebody you’re missin’.

[Footsteps crunch on dirt as the Lady Person comes closer to the group.]

Somebody you’re afraid you’ll never find. And guess what? You’ll never find—

[A thud as Lily leaps at the Lady Person and grabs her coat. Clothes rustle as Eric jumps in and holds Lily back.]

Lily: Fuck did you say to me?

Eric: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, hold on. Easy, easy!

Dan: [groans] Touchy- touchy subject.

Eric: Easy. Oh.

Lily: Let me at her.

[Scuffling as Lily struggles in Eric’s grip.]

Let me fuckin’ at her, Eric!

Eric: No, just sit…stop. Please.

Masha: Lily, it’s okay.

Eric: Deep breath.

[Lily pants in anger.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Spooky lady in the bush, please roll me Personal Reality for trying to deceive them.

[Dice roll on table.]

Though, you’re not completely wrong. Did you roll under your number?

Beth: No!

[Laughter.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage: Okay. So you haven’t been lying, but also you’re…everyone’s getting the idea that there’s a little bit of an air being put on here.

[Lily pants in anger.]

Masha: Okay, Lily, it’s gonna be okay. Just sit down, take a deep breath.

Eric: Okay.

Lady Person: Alright, alright, I’ll—

Lily: Hands off!

[Footsteps scuff as the Lady Person and Lily struggle against each other.]

Lady Person: Look, look. Take your hands off me. We’ll sit down, we’ll talk about it like, um, gentlemen and women…and gentlewomen.

Masha: Okay.

Special Thanks

[Door Man and Soup Guy’s theme plays.]

Door Man: Uh, Soup Guy, what the hell are you wearing over there? Soup Guy, what’s that say on your shirt?

Soup Guy: www.patreon.com/20SidedStories

Door Man: patreon.com/20SidedStories? Why are you wearing that on a shirt?

Soup Guy: ’Cause that’s who made all this possible. Like the soup.

Door Man: Oh yeah. The soup we’re about to eat! Man, that was a crazy time, gettin’ this soup together, let me tell you.

Soup Guy: Yeah. ’Cause all the beautiful people on that website made this soup possible. Including Erin_404

Door Man: Oh, yeah, yeah. Also you remember M? Just the letter M? Best name in the world.

Soup Guy: And I remember James Emerson was also a huge help.

Door Man: That makes me think of Christian A. Seeward. Christian A. Seeward, thank you so much!

Soup Guy: Um, I wanna give a personal shoutout to Brandon Quinn.

Door Man: I also wanna give my own personal shoutout. Santiago Perez. Thank you!

Soup Guy: And of course, Will Sowards.

Door Man: Champion. Last but not least. Night. N-I-G-H tay…T. Tay. N-I-G-H-Tay.

Soup Guy: N-I-G-H-T.

Door Man: Don’t correct me!

Soup Guy: Without whom, none of this soup could’ve ever been possible.

Door Man: Yeah. We came really close to not having any soup ready for our esteemed patreon contributors. That woulda been a nightmare. But thankfully, thanks to their help, we managed to make it out in time. But I tell ya, it sure was a wild ride. Remember?

Soup Guy: Oh yeah. I remember.

[Door Man and Soup Guy’s theme plays.]

Sage: The adventures of Door Man and Soup Guy! A two-part bonus minisode where David Michmerhuizen plays every single character, is out now for Adventure Pass holders at

patreon.com/20SidedStories

Get it while it’s hot!

Mare in the Night – Part II

Glitter Can: Destroy the Fort?

Bart: Was that rhetorical? Was that rhetorical that time?

Glitter Can: Possibly. One more question.

Bart: Okay.

Glitter Can: Why?

[Beat.]

Bart: Cyborgs [sighs].

Glitter Can: I’m allowed to ask a question that’s not rhetorical.

Bart: Pseudo root.

Glitter Can: I haven’t seen those hooligans and I’d like to keep it that way. So why should I listen to you?

Bart: You’re going to have to deal with them sooner or later. So it might as well be sooner. So go. Destroy. The Fort.

Glitter Can: I can’t just single-handedly destroy a whole fort of supers.

Bart: [shouts] Then what’s all that stuff all over you? What’s with the metal? Why’re you covered in metal? Why d’you have laser-vision? Why d’you have these superpowers, you can’t go destroy one measly fort? [takes a breath] Am I talking to my fucking self?

It seems like I’m talking to my fucking self. [slow] Go destroy the fucking Fort fucking please!

Glitter Can: Humans. Male humans.

[Crickets chirp. Fire crackles. Gentle guitar music.]

Dan: Okay, so…

Masha: Do you have, like, a crew? Are you by yourself?

Lady Person: I have a- I have a crew. And it’s a big crew, and it’s for a very important person, so…

Masha: You seem like you’re by yourself. You’re very alone.

Lady Person: I’m not by myself! I’ve never been by myself, not for two weeks!

[Beth stifles laughter.]

Masha: Oh. But then where is the person that’s supposed to be with you, then?

Lady Person: He’s…too important to be here with you guys, who’re all afraid of things.

Masha: Oh.

Eric: Can I ask you a very important question?

Lady Person: Uh, I don’t know. I might be too important for an important question.

Lily: [drunkenly] Tell us why you’re here. I’m gonna break your fuckin’ face.

Dan: [whispers] She seems a little fresh off the boat compared to the other Trench Coats.

Eric: [stammers] But she seems…it’s like a wild card. I don’t know if it’s gonna be…

Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lady Person: This trench coat, it’s a real trench coat. You can feel it!

[Clothes rustle as the Lady Person reaches out. Lily sniffs hard. Rustling is heard as Eric touches the Lady Person’s arm.]

Masha: Oh. Wow. You touched her.

Dan: Op.

[Eric grunts in amused agreement.]

Lily: Oh you [singsongs] shouldn’t’ve done that.

Lady Person: Wait…what?

[Beth chuckles.]

Eric: [loud] Oh, let’s just all just talk about it like it’s not a thing that should be fun to have as a secret, right?

Dan: Look, man…

Eric: Everybody.

Dan: Simple concept of consent. Just sayin’.

Eric: Th- we don’t- this person seems opposed to us!

Dan: Oh yeah. You’re right. They’re bad, prob’ly. Hey! Uh..

Masha: Also, she did sidle up on him so…

Lily: Yeah, Daniel.

Eric: Yeah.

Lady Person: Wha- I didn’t mean to. I mean, yes, I did!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

I mean… Honk!

Masha: Are you okay?

Lady Person: Yeah, I’m—

Masha: Do you need a friend?

Lady Person: I’m- I’m bloody fabulous! I-I- I’m working for a cause so beyond your level, that I want to know your secrets and what your level is so I can tell it to people at where I’m supposed to be.

Lily: Are you just gonna threaten us with your f- with our fears?

Lady Person: Maybe!

Eric: Are y- are- here s- are you in danger?

Lady Person: Uh…um…n-not yet. If y- [pleading] not if you tell me your secrets.

Eric: Do you need us to help you? I’m s—

Lady Person: [American accent] Okay, guys, look, look, look, okay. I, um—

[Gentle guitar music.]

Eric: Whoa, accent’s gone. Holy shit.

Lady Person: [fast] Well, I mean, I, like, I-I— British people are really scary, right? I mean, I guess technically they’re English, ’cause I guess technically you can be, like, from all sorts of areas and still be considered British, but like, if…

English people in particular are very, like, very scary and very, very angry all the time. But they’re not angry. But they’re just kinda, like, they can just really get under your skin.

And so I thought maybe I could get under your skin like that. But anyways, guys! I’m supposed to get your secrets and if I could, that’d be great! ’Cause I- I have, uh…

Like I said, like I said! I was not lying. I have a very important person to tell your secrets to and I am a S-P-Y, spy!

[Guitars fades.]

Masha: Well, that was not the thing to do if you were a spy. Um, I don’t—

Lily: [mumbles] She’s talkin’ real fast for my beer brain [sighs].

Masha: Um, you know what? Why— I think you’re on the wrong side. What was your name?

Lady Person: Wait. Was it not- what? It wasn’t the right thing to do? If I wasn’t—

Masha: You- you just told us that you were a spy.

[Owl hoots.]

Dan: Yeah.

Masha: And you blew your cover.

Lady Person: Wha- [English accent] I’m gonna put these glasses back on.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Masha: Ah, wait, what’s your name?

Dan: [amused] Wait, hold on. Putting the sunglasses back on, like, that isn’t just gonna make us all forget. We’re drunk, but we’re not that drunk.

Eric: If you feel more comfortable in the sunglasses, that’s fine. I know what it’s like to kinda be an exposed nerve in a situation like this before, when you’re tryin’ to…tryin’ to lie about something but it’s not going super well.

Lady Person: [American accent] I mean, I-I wasn’t lying. I know- I know that you’re afraid of geese.

[Fire snaps.]

Eric: I don’t know where you think you’re getting that information from, but you’re sorely mistaken.

Masha: Just- we know you’re afraid of geese.

Eric: [loud] I’m not afraid of geese! And I can open jars!

Masha: Okay, take a sip o’ that beer.

Lily: I’ve not seen you open a single fucking jar.

Eric: Uh huh.

Masha: I opened that beer for you, Eric.

Eric: Yeah, and what about those Krav Maga lessons you’ve been taking, huh? Haven’t seen a whole lotta that. Huh? Huh?

Lily: Well, I mean smash—

Eric: What’re you doing Thursdays from 4-6, then? Huh?

Masha: You don’t wanna see her Krav Maga. That’s why she doesn’t do it. It’s very dangerous.

[Eric lets out a groaning sigh. Crickets chirp.]

Lily: Very dangerous.

Eric: Sorry, what’s your name?

Dan: Yeah, do we have to kill you or…are you just giving up the trench coat thing?

Lady Person: Maybe you’re afraid to kill m- I actually—

Lily: You want me to punch you and you can run back and say that we overpowered you and you couldn’t do it? ’Cause I could do that.

Lady Person: No. No, no, no. I don’t want that, I don’t want that. I was just wondering if I could, like, uh—

Eric: You want our secrets.

Lily: But, like, which ones?

Lady Person: Y- um… Okay. Hypothetical, guys. Hypothetical. Let’s just say you could know a certain thing about a person, like, kind of like their fears or something, but then maybe, like, you told some very important people that I work for- if- it’s- hypothetically, if I told a very important person—

Masha: Yes.

Lady Person: —that I could read minds—

Lily: Mm-hmm.

Lady Person: —and that therefore I could spy on enemies of the very important person—

Masha: Oooh.

Lady Person: —that would make them— I- okay, so I have this very important mission, but I’m actually not very important and that’s- that’s the problem. Is that I’m not very important.

Masha: Oh.

Lily: So you can’t read minds.

Lady Person: I mean I can, I can, I can! Um, only when you’re sleeping though.

Eric: So you can read dreams?

Lady Person: I mean, yeah. In a- in a sort of crystal-y sort of way. And a sort of Medium, like, open sign and a psychic at 2AM on a- on a Lincoln Boulevard sorta way, yeah. I-I-I can- I can read—

Masha: So- so- so you can read dreams and you know our fears. Are they related in some way? Can you read our—

Lady Person: Well, dreams are only sometimes good and they’re only sometimes horny and I-I can not only read dreams—

Masha: Oh.

Lady Person: —but I can read [deep voice] your nightmare. I mean [English accent] your nightmares!

Masha: You don’t have to—

Lady Person: Dadadadada! Honk!

Dan: How long have you been with this- this cult?

Lady Person: I wouldn’t call them a cult, it’s more like—

Eric: You’re all wearing the same thing.

Lady Person: I-it’s more like a collective thought where it’s like if you go—

Masha: Cuuult-lective.

Lady Person: —like, if you go away from the thought that, then you’re, like, bad and stuff like that.

Lily: Ha. Good.

Lady Person: But, like, cult is, like, kind of like, uh, like, I mean, it’s not like we’re selling Tupperware here. It’s not like, you know, if I- if I bring you on to read my dreams that you have to read the dreams of six other people, and then—

Lily: That’s a pyramid scheme—

[Masha stifles laughter.]

—not a cult.

[Dan snorts. Masha chuckles.]

Lady Person: Um. Yeah, well, like, a cult is a very, um…

Anyways! So, okay, so all nightmares are dreams, but not all dreams are nightmares.

Eric: Okay.

[Lily blows out an exasperated breath.]

Lady Person: And some dreams that are nightmares, I can actually, uh… Like, s-say we all went to sleep right now. Um…

Lily: Okay, I’m down!

Masha: Uh…what?

Lady Person: We could all go to sleep right now and w-we could all- we could all dream the same thing.

Eric: Huh?

Lady Person: I mean, it wouldn’t be a good dream, but, like…

Masha: You can connect ea- ourselves? We can, like, be in each other’s dreams together?

Lily: Like Inception!

Dan: Keeps comin’ back to that.

Lady Person: What?

Dan: Did Leo get Snapped? [chuckles]

Lily: Oh sh- please check.

Masha: Well, let me check the app.

Lily: Important to me.

[Snicks are heard as Masha types on her phone. A chime goes off.]

Masha: He did.

[Everyone groans.]

Eric: I’m sorry.

Lady Person: Oh my gosh! I thought he was so talented. I can’t believe that he—

[Dan sighs.]

Eric: At least he got the Oscar.

Lady Person: Yeah. Um, well, okay, what’s something—

Eric: Sorry, we’re derailing you. Please keep going.

[The Lady Person stammers.]

Dan: Yeah, ho— [amused] So are you or are you not going to kill me or Eric?

Eric: Yeah.

[The Lady Person laughs a little.]

A lot of people try to do that.

Lily: It’s not always about you, man.

Lady Person: Oh my gosh! Kill you? God, I don’t even know you [chuckles].

Dan: Okay, Eric, she’s- she’s on a different…

Lady Person: I-I-I—

Masha: We still don’t know your name! What is your name?

Lady Person: My name- i-it’s—

Masha: Don’t lie.

Lady Person: [English accent] Nightmare!

Masha: [resigned] Okay.

Eric: [mumbles] That’s…mmm. That’s pretty good.

Mare: [American accent] You guys can call me Mare, though, like, Maredith [nervous chuckle].

Masha: Oh.

Lily: Is your name Maredith?

Mare: [English accent] It’s NightMare! [mumbles] …idith.

[Beth stifles laughter.]

Masha: Okay.

Eric: So Night- NightMare. NightMare…idith.

Lily: [groans] I’m gonna call you Maredith.

Eric: NightMare.

Mare: ...idith.

[Beth stifles laughter.]

Eric: What is it that you were sent here to get from us, and from who specifically, and also why? If you don’t mind.

[Suspenseful music.]

Mare: [American accent] These are- these are all very good questions.

Eric: Okay.

Mare: And they’re questions that I also have.

[Beat.]

Eric: Huh?

Masha: Why don’t you just leave them and join us?

Lily: Do you know who you’re working for?

Mare: My employer goes by many names. Such as…

[Music stops.]

The Church of the Mad Titan!

[Suspenseful music thrums.]

Masha: That sounds like a cult.

Mare: Or- o-or so-sometimes- sometimes Mysterious Nameless Man! Uh—

Masha: Sounds like the leader of a cult.

Mare: —or- or- or s-sometimes, uh, the Prophet. Or Boss Guy.

Masha: That definitely…

Mare: And I’ve heard some people call ’im Jared.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Masha: Like, from the Subway commercials?

Mare: Much more powerful!

Eric: Did he get Snapped?

Masha: Oh, whoa.

Dan: Please tell me he got Snapped.

Lily: Please, please, please, please.

Mare: Gosh, I hope so.

[Snicks are heard as Masha types into the app. A chime goes off.]

Masha: No, he’s still here.

Eric: Aww! Really?

Masha: Yeah.

Lily: [disgusted] Jared stayed?

Masha: Leo’s gone.

Dan: This world sucks!

[Lily grunts in agreement.]

Eric: Yeah, it’s the balance thing.

Masha: Okay, so—

Dan: Okay, so who [sighs]…

Masha: What’s this Titan church?

Mare: Um, the Church of the Mad Titan is not a church.

Lily: Well [amused scoff].

[Dan grunts.]

Mare: But it’s a very powerful entity.

Eric: So like scientology?

Mare: Like, not a church but, like, taxes exempt. Yeah.

Eric: Okay. And what is- what is the goal? Sorry, I don’t want this to be just an interview, but what’re you tryin’a do here?

Mare: Interview?

Dan: I’ve—

Mare: [English accent] More like an interrogation!

Dan: [mumbles] Oh there she goes again.

Lily: Where is your car?

Masha: Did you walk all the way here?

Eric: And then from where?

Mare: [American accent] Yeah, I-I walked from Palm Springs, actually.

[Beth stifles laughter.]

[Masha gasps.]

Eric: I think that you should take— From Palm Springs?!

[Beth chuckles.]

Masha: Oh my god!

Lily: Girl.

Masha: I think— Girl, I think you need water!

Mare: Um, well, y-you guys have—

Lily: We don’t have water.

Mare: Do you guys have—

Eric: All we got is beer.

Mare: Okay, yeah, sure. Sure, yeah!

Eric: Yeah, yeah.

[Clattering as Eric grabs a beer can and clothes rustle as he hands it over.]

Totally, that’s…

Mare: Oh thank you.

[A beer can breaks open, Mare gulps, the empty can clatters as she tosses it aside. Mare lets out another try-hard villain laugh.]

Masha: Wow. She downed that fast.

Eric: Oh.

Mare: [English accent] Nothin’ like a pint, am I right?

Eric: You shotgunned it!

[Beth chuckles.]

Lily: Ssshe did. Is this what college is like?

Mare: Oye. Nothin’ makes me- nothin’ quenches my—

Eric: Honestly, yeah. Kinda.

Mare: —thirst like a good pint of Coors Light.

Masha: What if- what if instead of us telling you our secrets, you, in air quotes, “take us captive” to wherever you’re going, and you help us help you, and you can help us—

Mare: “Helping us help you” is a quote that the Church of the Mad Titan is very keen on. And so I think that sounds like a great idea!

Masha: Oh—

Eric: O-okay.

[Clothes rustle as Mare reaches into her pocket. Metallic clinking is heard as she pulls something out.]

Mare: I have a couple of handcuffs in my trench coat. It’s a big trench coat, so I’ve been able to fit many pairs of handcuffs— Have- you guys could, like, cuff yourselves—

Eric: I know, this seems to be a one-size-fits-all. It’s kinda draggin’ on the floor a little bit for you [stifles laughter].

Mare: Um, y-yeah. They’re always saying like [falsetto] get it hemmed! And I’m just like [English accent] No! My soul drags on the floor from Palm Springs. Miles and miles and- and so trench coat-y walking through the trenches.

[American accent] Do you guys have a Band-Aid? My feet are kinda blistering up.

Masha: Let me check in our trunk.

[The trunk of the car opens and muffled rustling is heard.]

Lily: I really just wanna go to bed—

Masha: Oh I have a first aid kit! Here.

Mare: Oh, thanks.

Lily: —but I don’t want this bitch to read my dreams.

Mare: [English accent] Why? ’Cause you’re afraid that I’ll…find…

Dan: [quiet] I mean honestly, Eric, I can’t tell if she actually works for them or not [chuckles]. Seems like she does…

Eric: First off, I don’t even know who “them” is, and if this is “them”, then no wonder I’ve been droppin’ ’em like nobody’s…

[Dan and Eric stifle laughter.]

Like…

Dan: [amused] Seems like they’re just pickin’ up anybody at this point.

Eric: No, I feel a lot better about this.

Dan: Yeah.

Mare: [American accent] Well, [stammers] what if I could get one of them on the phone right now?

[Suspenseful guitar music.]

’Cause I have Verizon—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—and I- I could call them and a- and ask—

Masha: Me too!

Mare: It’s great! It’s so much better than AT&T. Like, oh my gosh. I was, like, I was doing AT&T before and I was like no I’ll do Verizon and then I was like [English accent] Yeah I have Verizon now. I’m English!

Masha: Yeah, and that T-Moblie guy.

[Music fades.]

Eric: Don’t you get, um, what d’you get with Verizon? You get, um… Isn’t that Apple TV? You get something with Verizon, right?

Mare: [softly] Ya’ get Spotify.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Eric: Do you?

Masha: Just go back and forth—

Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Masha: —on that persona.

Lily: Do you know who the Tie Breaker is?

[Suspenseful music resumes.]

Mare: Ah, yes, the Tie Breaker! It’s the break to end all ties.

Eric: Does it have anything to do with who you’re working with?

Mare: Very much so.

[Eric spits out his beer in surprise. Liquid splashes.]

Eric: That’s what we were looking for!

Masha: Take us with you!

Lily: [smug] I asked the right questions.

Mare: Sure! Sure, yeah, yeah! I mean, I was actually gonna think about, like, oh man if they like me I’ll go with them maybe. But no, I’m gonna take you with me—

Dan: Oh wait, hold on [stifles laughter]. That sounds like a better offer.

Eric: Wait, wait, wait, hold on that’s what…okay.

Dan: Well, ho…d’you even—

Eric: Wait—

Dan: Wait. Y-you g—

Eric: Okay, you g—

Dan: Yup—

Mare: I’ll go—

Eric: Okay we’ll all go at the same time.

Mare: You go. Okay, alright.

Dan: Okay.

Eric: Okay.

Lily: [shouts] Eric, you go!

Dan, Eric: [together] One, two, three—

Masha: I’ll go!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Let’s do the plan that I said earlier.

Mare: Yeah, y-you guys will be my prisoners and they will be so proud o’ me, and they’ll be like yay, good job, Mare!

Dan: Do you even know where— Where’s their base? Are they—

Mare: I’ll- I’ll call. I’ll be like, uh—

Eric: Call your direct report?

[Feet scuff on dirt as Mare turns and talks into her phone.]

Mare: Siri, call my contact. I mean [English accent] Siri, call my contact.

[A chime is heard. Phone ringing tone is heard.]

[American accent] It’s ringing, guys [chuckles]. It’s ringing.

[Phone ring tone. Suspenseful music intensifies.]

Man: [over phone; resigned] Hello, Maredith [sighs].

Mare: Hey, what’s up? Hey, um, okay, so I mean—

Man: [over phone] What is it this time, Maredith?

Mare: [English accent] Oye, what’s up? I got some great news, mate.

Man: [unamused] Wonderful. What d’you got?

Mare: I got a bunch o’ prisoners! And they’re comin’ with me if y- if we could meet at a meeting place.

Man: Suuure you do.

[Misadventure music.]

Mare: Um, no I do! W-wait—

Man: How many prisoners you got, Maredith?

Masha: Help, help!

Mare: I got- I got, um…

Masha: I’m Roulette and have been trapped! Help!

Mare: Hear that? They’re in pain because of my mental strength.

Man: How many you got, Maredith?

Mare: Four!

Man: Oookay.

Mare: I got four for real, and they’re all real- real afraid.

Man: Maredith, if this is another one o’ your ill-conceived—

Mare: N-no.

Man: —hare-brained schemes…

Mare: It- it’s not. It’s real this—

Man: Put one of ’em on the phone, Maredith. I’m not fallin’ for it again.

Mare: [American accent] I don’t trust- I mean [clears throat; falsetto] Hi, I’m—

[Masha scoffs in amusement.]

—I’m with Maredith, I’m really scared. She can read all of my thoughts.

Masha: [whispers] Maredith, we’ll do it.

Man: Maredith, I can tell it’s just you’re doin’ a funny voice. You don’t really have any prisoners, do you?

Mare: [English accent] No, I have prisoners! Um, uh, let me put you on speaker phone.

[An echoing click is heard as she switches to speaker phone.]

Masha: Um, hi—

Man: Maredith, that’s sounds— That’s the same voice you were doing before.

Masha: Eric, you go.

Eric: Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Man: Maredith, what the hell happened to you?

Eric: No, this is— [sighs]

Man: I mean…

Eric: It’s not Maredith. Maredith, kee- talk at the same time I’m talking, alright? Can you say anything?

Mare: I can say—

Eric: Okay. There we go.

Man: Okay I’m on—

Mare: —can I say. Okay, okay. Yup.

Eric: Yup. Okay. Okay.

Man: —I’m on speaker phone—

Mare: Uh, alright. Okay.

Eric: You’re on speaker.

Mare: You’re on speaker phone.

Man: —Please stop talkin at the same time.

Eric: Well [scoffs].

Mare: Okay, well…

Eric: Look, we’re prisoners—

Mare: Look, we’re prisoners.

Eric: —and—

Masha: No, you’re—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Eric: [amused] You got- you can stop now, Maredith.

Mare: I can stop now, Maredith.

[Traivs chuckles.]

Man: Please stop talking at the same time.

Eric: Maredith [chuckles].

Man: Maredith, I just wanna go home to my kids, okay? It’s 4AM.

Masha: [shouts] Where are we gonna go? Just tell us the location!

Man: Okay, hold on. Let me get in touch with the supervisor. I think I’m willing to give you another shot. But this is the last time, Maredith.

Masha: Y-y-yeah I’m- I’m so grateful!

Man: [speaks over shoulder] Charlie, where’re we gonna send her?

Charlie: [over phone] We’re not supposed to give out information. Keeps the location secret for a reason. No.

Man: Maredith, we’re gonna call you back, okay?

Mare: Okay. Um, alright—

Man: Click.

[A beep is heard as he hangs up.]

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Mare: —well, okay. Um, that sounds great. She—

Lily: Well, that went really well.

Mare: Um, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, because I know that, uh, you are waiting on very—

Dan: Maredith, he already hung up the phone.

Mare: —Okay.

Dan: He [stifles laughter] he’s on—

Eric: He’s on speaker phone [stifles laughter].

Mare: [American accent] Um, okay, okay. So I don’t have the location exactly. But I have, I, uh… Okay, so I don’t have the location [nervous laugh]. Okay, uh.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

I mean [try-hard villain laugh]. Um, but I… Let’s just, like, sit tight. Maybe we can, like, talk about our feelings or our fears or maybe just, like, talk about what we’re thinking so that maybe, like, I can write it down and then give it to somebody, but also, like, um… Where’re you guys goin’?

Dan: Uh…

Eric: Yeah, we gotta go to S.H.I.E.L.D., man.

Dan: Yeah, uh, hold on.

Eric: Like I’m all for this, but we got shit to do.

Dan: So, d’you— So you don’t know where— So you’re working for these- the mad titan people.

Mare: Yes.

Dan: This is really, Eric—

Mare: Maybe.

Dan: —horribly convenient. Like- like s-stupid. Like, I can’t believe they—

Eric: I can’t tell if that means it’s good or not.

Dan: Well, it’s probably good. Y-you’re- how- you didn’t answer my question. How long—

Mare: [English accent] But it’s bad! Be afraaaid!

Dan: [fast] How long have you been work- how long have you been working for them?

Eric: [unfazed] We’re afraid.

Mare: [American accent] Uh, uh, like f-fourteen…days.

Eric: How—

Mare: Two weeks.

Dan: [quiet] Okay.

Eric: Can I- can I ask you a personal question?

Mare: Yeah, yeah! Sure.

Eric: How old are you?

Mare: I’m, um [clears throat nervously] old enough to [slow] be good at things…

Eric: Did we just— Are you allowed to drink that?

Mare: Um [English accent] I did! I’m allowed in the UK—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

—where there’s a lower drinking age.

[Fire crackles and crickets chirp.]

Eric: Okay…

Mare: [American accent] I’m nineteen.

Eric: Oh.

[Lily and Dan grunt.]

Right on.

Mare: I’m nineteen in two months. Um…what’re you guys up to?

Dan: We’re doin’, like, a heist thing.

Mare: Oh…

Eric: We’re get- go get a bunch of- we’re gonna bu- steal a bunch o’ secrets [stifles laughter], to be honest.

Dan: Yeah. I guess we’re doin’ the same thing.

Mare: Oh, cool!

Eric: Yeah.

Mare: Oh, cool, cool! ’Cause I was, like, totally doing that too! Um…

Eric: D’you…d’you…

Mare: Do I…do I…eh, what?

Eric: [cautiously] Wanna come with us—

Lily: Eric!

Eric: —to steal the secrets?

Lily: Why? Why?

Eric: Because I feel bad! Because this was me! This was me! I was seventeen and asked to do a whole bunch o’ shit I didn’t wanna do and gather a bunch of information—

Lily: And if the head of your organization turned and was like, okay, like, you’re in. You’re in with these guys and now you gotta do bad shit for me, would you not have been, like okay, like, I’m gonna do that because I belong to your organization—

Mare: ’Scuse me, ’scuse me. Sorry. I just can’t believe you were this cool at seventeen [chuckles]. I mean [try-hard villain laugh].

Lily: I’m gonna kill ’er.

Eric: [resigned] Alright.

[Masha groans.]

Mare: Um, well, okay. I don’t know what’s useful for this podcast, but, like, yeah sure, like, I’ll come along, but I don’t wanna be that NPC that’s just around—

Dan: Like me!

Mare: —so maybe I’ll just, like, learn your secrets and then I’ll go back and then—

Masha: [hopelessly confused] Wait, whaaat?

Dan: Okay, look, look, look. Maredith, Maredith. Do you even wanna be…

[Gentle guitar music.]

…like, working for them? I mean, I could be just projecting here, but it just seems like you might not…

Mare: [fast] Yeah, but I’m- I’m nineteen and I don’t know what I wanna be doing and then all this- this Snap happened and then everybody was like [falsetto] oh choose a side. And I was like, which side? And- and they’re like [falsetto] good and evil. And I was like, what’s good and evil and everybody was like, don’t take, um, don’t go to college ’cause you might get Snapped into an MFA and you might be stuck there for four years. And I was like, I don’t know. So I just like- I don’t wanna decide anything, you know? I—

Dan: [gently] I don’t- I don’t think these people are the good guys.

Mare: Oh. I mean [nervous chuckle] yeah. Obviously [chuckles].

Dan: Oh.

Masha: I mean she chose to do that evil laugh. I think she kn- I’m assuming you know that you’re on the evil side?

Mare: Uh—

Dan: You don’t know what the Tie Breaker is and even what they’re planning on doing? As far as we’re led to believe, it’s bad stuff, but…we don’t know what that is yet.

Mare: Th- I mean, okay, like, okay. They gave me, um, they gave me two bowls of Easy Mac, and that was kinda the first thing that I’d had in a while and so I was just, like, kinda willing to do whatever they said.

Dan: Alright.

Mare: And they were like, here’s a trench coat, and I was like [try-hard villain laugh; English accent] Trench coats.

Masha: See, we have soup. We have a Soup Guy.

Mare: [impressed scoff] Oh, oh my god!

Eric: [mumbles] Yeah, see.

Mare: Oh my god! Wow! No, yeah. Like, yeah!

Masha: He makes gourmet soups.

Mare: Like, what d’you wanna know about them? I know nothing, but I’ll tell you all my secrets. All my secrets, yeah!

Masha: Oh.

Mare: No, like I’m totally, like, on the good guy side now.

Eric: I mean, that can be relative. D’you want some unsolicited advice from an older white man?

[Traivs and Sage stifle laughter.]

[Masha sighs.]

Mare: Um, s-sure. Yeah, yeah. Why not? It feels like I’m getting it anyway.

Eric: Yeah.

[Traivs stifles laughter.]

Masha: Yeah, you don’t really have a choice. [mumbles] Patriarchy. I’m gonna take more…drink another beer.

[Clothes rustle and a beer can clanks as Masha reaches over and opens another beer.]

Eric: I was in a position not quite unlike yours when I was your age.

Mare: [English accent] That’s what she said [chuckle morphs into try-hard villain laugh].

Eric: [whispers] God, you’re nineteen.

[Beth and Jessica stifle laughter.]

If I could do it again, I wish I would’ve gotten out when I had the first chance, because, uh, it sucked. And then it got bad, and then there were Nazis. So I’m not saying it’s gonna be the exact same, but, like, you know, just food for thought.

Mare: [American accent] I mean, yeah. Like, I mean I feel like I’m—

Lily: This is a touching father-daughter moment—

Eric: Okay.

Masha: [snickers] Burn.

Lily: But I really don’t wanna break into a fucking facility with a stranger who was, moments ago, not on our side.

Mare: N-n- I-I mean, I-I-I- y-you got a—

Lily: Seems weird coming from you, Eric.

Mare: You got a—

Lily: I’m gonna take a dirt nap.

[Clothes rustle as Lily stands up.]

Mare: You got- you got a good point—

Lily: Goodbye.

[Footsteps scuff on dirt as Lily shuffles away.]

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Mare: You got- you got a good point.

[A thud as Lily flops down next to the fire.]

[English accent] Is she asleep? ’Cause I can read her dreams.

Lily: [distant] I swear to god, if you do any weird brain shit to me—

Mare: [American accent] Okay, she’s awake. Um.

Lily: —I’ll remove your brain from your body.

Mare: Okay, so what I was thinking is, like, since, like, the group I’m working for is already two out o’ three things, like, maybe I could just, like, take some time and, like, figure out, like, uh, what I want? Which I don’t know…but I will, and when I do…I’ll be able to [English accent] choose a side. [American accent] And then who knows who’ll be the real Tie Break…er.

Anyways, like, if you guys—

Masha: Okay—

Mare: —need any help or anything—

Masha: Do you—

Mare: —yeah, like, I’m- I’m happy to- to- to do that, but, like, other- otherwise I just, um… You know, like, I just think you guys are really cool.

[Masha groans sympathetically.]

[Gentle music. A low buzzing is heard as a phone vibrates. Clothes rustle as Mare pulls her phone up, and a beep is heard as she answers it.]

Hello, this is- I mean [clears throat, English accent] ’Ello. This is Maredith. I mean NightMare…idith.

Man: [over phone] Maredith, it’s me givin’ you a call back.

[Music intensifies.]

Mare: Oh. Thanks for callin’ back, I knew it wouldn’t be long—

Man: Maredith, I’m gonna- not gonna waste your time. Um.

Mare: That’s good.

Man: I feel like— Me and the other managers have been talking and considering that the season’s up, we’re gonna go ahead and—

Mare: Thank you for—

Man: —not renew your contract.

Mare: …I… Wha—

Man: So anyway, good luck to you and your future endeavors and all your things. If you need a reference, yeah, you’re gonna have to look elsewhere. Goodbye. Click.

[Phone beeps as the Man hangs up.]

Mare: I…um…I…resign!

Eric: Did they—

[Beth stifles laughter.]

Mare: I resign and th—

Dan: Wait, hold on. What- what just happened? Did they—

Eric: They give you the location or… Do we know…

Dan: Yeah. I mean, they- they tell you where they’re hiding?

Masha: Did you just quit?

Mare: [American accent] They, um…did not give me the location. [nervous chuckle] They actually, um, just [quiet] fired me.

Eric: Are you resigned to seeing this through to the end?

Mare: I mean, yeah. No, no. I- yeah. I-I’m resigning to…resign from…ever…ever listening to those guys again!

[fast] Th-they- they- they treated me like- like- like scum! Like I didn’t even- like I didn’t even do anything for them, when I obviously did a lot for them by spying and telling people that I could read their minds, which I can’t but I, like, almost could, because I can read their dreams, and they never did a thing for me, so I am [nervous chuckle] actually just resigning to just sort of, like, not work for people.

Masha: Oh. So the- but—

Mare: I wanna be my own boss! I wanna be my own boss bitch! #bossbitch #pyramidscheme

[Beth, Jessica, and Sage stifle laughter.]

#MLM

Dan: Well, I mean, you don’t need- necessarily need the last part in that [chuckles].

Mare: #blessed!

Dan: Okay, that one’s good.

Mare: #...um…girl boss! #girlboss. Um…anyways, um…

Dan: [quiet] Shit.

[Mare grunts quietly.]

Eric: That sucks.

Mare: Yeah.

[Beat.]

Eric: We’re outta beer, so… [quiet chuckle]

Dan: Sorry [light chuckle].

[Fire crackles in the awkward silence.]

Masha: [whispers] Guys look, Lily’s asleep.

[Lily snores.]

[Quiet background hum builds. A goose honks. Dream voices echo.]

Lily: Is that a goose on top of the planetarium?

[Goose honks.]

Oh god! Eric! Is that—

[Wings flap.]

—is that your head on a goose body?

[Goose honks. A swish is heard as it charges at her.]

Oh god, he’s got goose teeth! [groans] Man, that’s fucked up. Eric, get down.

[Goose honks]

Don’t you honk at me!

Masha: [echoes] Lily. Is Rose dead?

Lily: Masha. Masha, can you he—

[Gentle swishing is heard as Masha morphs.]

Oh, oh! Masha your arms. Oh. Oh! Oh, why is only one steel?

[Metallic clinking.]

Oh god, the other one’s so big!

Henry: Oh hey, what’s up? Lily!

Lily: Henry, shut up. You’re not helping.

Henry: Over here! Lily!

Lily: Shh! Go away.

Henry: Can she hear me?

Lily: Okay. I just gotta find my body and I’ll be okay. Just gonna find my body. Where is my body? Where is my body?

[Dream noise crescendos and fades.]

[Crickets chirp and the fire crackles.]

Mare: [fearful] Oh my god, guys. I-I-I- there’s this…

[Misadventure music.]

There’s this other part of this dream thing that I didn’t tell you about, and I’m so scared. But it’s, like, whenever I read nightmares, I kind of have the same nightmare. And, um, most of them are like- like sex dreams or not knowing your lines when going on stage or not knowing a test. But this one- this one is like none I’ve ever experienced in my entire life!

Y-y-you, Eric, you have the body of a goose!

Eric: Aw, fuck this.

[Dan laughs.]

Mare: And you’re running around with a- with a goose body, but your teeth- your teeth are, like, goose teeth! And I didn’t even know- I didn’t even know that goose had teeth. But they have teeth. And they’re, like, rows of—

Eric: They have a lot of teeth.

Mare: They have so many teeth and they’re, like, rows of sharp little th- and then there’s Griffith Observatory which is so far away. It’s so far away you can never find parking. And I’m so scared! I’m so scared I’m never gonna find parking!

And I-I-I- and then this guy Henry or Harry is there and he doesn’t have a body—

Eric: Henry.

Mare: —and he’s just there.

Masha: Oh my god.

Mare: He’s just there.

Eric: Wow.

Mare: I’m so scared.

Eric: It’s- it’s- it’s okay. Uh, we’re gonna be- are- do—

Masha: That’s just a dream.

Eric: —What- how d’we— Do we wake her up? How d’you get outta this? Do we—

Mare: No, it’s- it’s, you know, it’s, like, it’s part of- it’s part of conquering your fears. You have to experience a fear and then you- then you conquer it. You conquer it. And then you know. Then you know the truth. What somebody’s afraid of. And that’s better than mind reading. But it’s not. It’s not. So, um…

[Shuffling on dirt as Lily turns over.]

[Gentle guitar music.]

Lily: Ah! Jesus Christ!

Eric: Hey.

Masha: Hey.

Lily: Wha! Ah! AH! Whoo.

Masha: It was just a dream.

Lily: [amused scoff] You are not gonna believe the dream I just had.

Eric: Yeah…

Mare: [fast] Oh, no, no, no. I told them. I told them. And actually, I just wanted to apologize to you, because I like, I-I think I, like, misjudged you. I thought you were kinda mean, but, like, I understand now that you have real things to be afraid about and that they’re real fears and that they’re, like, coming for you. And so I have empathy towards that, so, like, yeah. Listen.

[Footsteps scuff on dirt as Mare moves over to Lily. Dirt scrapes as Mare kneels in front of Lily.]

Lily: O-oh.

Mare: There’s nothing to be afraid of. Except for goose…es. Geese.

Lily: Yup. Mm-hmm.

Mare: And their teeth.

Lily: [unfazed] Sure are a lot.

[Clothes rustle as Mare stands up.]

Dan: Hey, um, Maredith, speaking of the whole Griffith thing that was in Lily’s dream…

Lily: He wasn’t in it, right?

Mare: What’s your name?

[Beth and Sage stifle laughter.]

Dan: Daniel Daniels.

Mare: Oh, I think you actually were there.

Lily: [mumbles] Oh fuck.

Mare: Yeah.

Dan: Oh, that’s— ’ey, look, I mean, we don’t actually need to know the rest of that.

Lily: Yeah we don’t need to talk about this, actually.

Dan: Yeah, I-I don’t wanna know the—

Lily: Yeah I don’t need to know- I didn’t need to know.

[Masha sighs.]

Dan: Yeah, no, that’s- that’s fine. Um—

Eric: Your sister got problems.

Lily: We’re good.

Masha: Yeah, we all have problems [sighs].

Dan: Uh, I don’t know if you’ve heard about the Fort. Uh, if you wanted to hang out there, it’s at Griffith.

Mare: Yeah. Yeah, sure! I mean, like, I’m scared of finding parking there, but that’s like- that’s like most fears. You can just overcome them. Or I could Uber there. Or Lyft.

Dan: Yeah.

Mare: ’Cause I’m woke.

Dan: Yeah.

Eric: There’s a bunch o’ people there that have powers that are their own people.

Dan: Yeah.

Eric: You know they’re not- there’s not, like, a big organization thing and it’s just kind of a place to be yourself.

[Hopeful music.]

Mare: Myself…

Dan: Yeah and, um, I don’t know. I-I’m always afraid of what S.H.I.E.L.D. is gonna tell me and…I don’t know I hang out there, I don’t really feel afraid of it. I feel like I can kinda do my own thing. So…

Mare: Wow. You just kind of…observe. Yourself and your feelings. At the observatory.

Dan: Y-yeah. I guess so [chuckles].

Mare: Wow…

Masha: It might be really good for you.

[Fire crackles.]

Mare: Alright, well, I mean, thanks guys. Like, I-I mean, I-I’m sorry if I [spooky wobble] scaaared you [chuckles] I’m gonna go to Griffith and I just, like, wish you- I wish you the best of luck and I wish you- that you have all the happiness in the world and, um, could I actually steal that first aid kit? ’Cause I do have a lot of blisters.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[Footsteps crunch on dirt as Mare walks over to the trunk.]

—and I’m just gonna put them on my [singsongs] feetsies.

[Light clattering is heard as she grabs the first aid kit.]

Okay. Thank you.

[Footsteps crunch on dirt as she moves away from the car.]

Masha: Oh, uh, uh, yeah sure take it [amused scoff].

Dan: Cool. Hey, uh, if you, um, one o’ your contacts show up, um, I mean I don’t know if they cut all ties, but just call somebody or tell somebody at the Fort.

Mare: Yeah, I’ll tell my contacts at the- I mean.

Eric: We’re your contacts at the Fort.

Dan: Yeah.

Mare: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I’ll—

[Eric stifles laughter.]

Dan: Well there’s also this guy name- named Roach there. Roach, he’s, you know he’s, uh…

Mare: Wow, that’s a cool name.

Dan: Yeah. I guess, uh—

Mare: Roach.

Dan: Yeah.

Mare: [deep voice] Roach.

Lily: He’s gonna be thrilled to hear you say that.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Mare: [English accent] Tell ’im that you had NightMares…idith—

Eric: Tell—

Mare: —[American accent] on your team for a while there.

Eric: Oh, like a reference?

Mare: Yeah! Yeah, if actually, I could just put you guys on my resumé that would be great. I don't know if anybody’s gonna call, but then when they call you be like, [English accent] NightMare was awesome! She was so great!

[Gentle action music builds.]

Masha: You want us to do—

Mare: [American accent] You have to do it with the accent.

Masha: We have—

Mare: You have to do with…yeah.

Masha: Okay, that answered my question.

Eric: [quiet] Alright.

Lily: Okay, we’ll work on it.

Eric: Yeah.

Mare: [English accent] Cheers!

[Footsteps crunch on dirt as Mare walks away.]

Eric: Okay.

Masha: [mimics Mare] Cheers.

Eric: Oh, it’s…walkin’ off in the desert.

Lily: She need a flashlight?

Eric: She put her sunglasses back on.

[Sage and Beth stifle laughter.]

Masha: I— You know I think she’s- she’s got it.

Lily: She made it out here.

Eric: I have so many questions.

Masha: I know.

Lily: You can ask her at the Fort.

Eric: Eh.

Glitter Can: What if I don’t want to?

Bart: Then I’ll find somebody who will—

Glitter Can: Oh, you’re gonna find another super? ’Cause you’re a human who talks on the radio.

Bart: The media controls every—

Glitter Can: Just because we had that one night together doesn’t mean I’m just gonna go do something for you on a instant.

Bart: Oh no?

[Crickets chirp.]

Eric: Well, that was weird.

Masha: Is this- I feel like I just had a dream right now. Like, this doesn’t seem real.

Eric: Wait a minute…

Lily: It is four in the morning. Can I go—

Dan: Dream or nightmare…

Eric: Wait are we— Maybe that’s— Holy shit, maybe her power is she- we’re all in a drea— Slap me!

Lily: Okay!

[A heavy swish and a hard smack are heard.]

Eric: Ow!

[Smack!]

Ow!

Dan: Oh, that feels good.

Eric: Not you!

[Sage chuckles.]

Masha: Oh, I’ll do it.

Eric: I said I just- No—

[Smack!]

Ow!

Dan: Alright, Lily—

Lily: [loud] He was obviously talking to me.

Dan: Next up go for it.

Lily: Alrighty.

[Smack!]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: [amused] All three of us roll for Strength really quick.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Travis: Knocked out cold. Knocked out cold.

Sage: Yeah.

[Emily, Travis, and Sage stifle laughter.]

[Eric collapses with a thud.]

Masha: Alright, well, Eric’s goin’ to sleep now.

[Dan sighs.]

Lily: Night, night.

Dan: Alright, well we gotta get to S.H.I.E.L.D. Let’s take a quick catnap and then—

Mare: [distant] He’s dreaming of geese!

[Everyone chuckles.]

[Episode End music.]

Credits

[Episode End music throughout.]

Mayanna Berrin: 20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Jessica Dahlgren, and Traivs Reaves

Masha Mirova was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Eric Stanton was played by Traivs Reaves

Lily Kline was played by Emily Ervolina

Maredith was played by special guest Beth May

Guest Spotlight

[Everyone cheers and claps.]

Sage: Beth, thank you so much for being here!

Beth: Thank you for having me!

Emily: It was so much fun!

Sage: Wild episode. I did not expect that, and I am very happy about it.

[Beth chuckles.]

Travis: Yeah, me too.

Sage: Where can all the people find you?

Beth: Find me on Instagram and Twitter @HeyBethMay. That’s “Hey” like “Hi” but, like, slangy. And then Beth like my name. That’s B-E-T-H and then May like the month. That’s M-A-Y. So, like, HeyBethMay!

[Traivs chuckles.]

I’m also on this other podcast called Dungeons and Daddies.

Travis: Is that a BDSM podcast?

Beth: It’s- it’s actually not a BDSM podcast.

Travis: Ahhh, coulda fooled me.

Beth: It’s- Sorry. It’s a D&D actual play [chuckles]. There aren’t enough of those am I right, fellas?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Travis: We’re the only two.

Beth: [chuckles] About four dads from our world that get thrust into the Forgotten Realms of the D&D universe in a quest to find their lost soccer sons. If you have daddy issues, you should listen to it.

[Sage and Traivs laugh.]

It’s helping me and maybe it can help you.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Sage: That’s a good pitch [stifles laughter].

Travis: Yeah.

Jessica: Sold.

Sage: Dope. Thank you so much, Beth.

Beth: Thank you!

After-Credits Scene

[Suspenseful music.]

Bart: Do whatever you want, but I promise you this. With my followers, I can have that Fort destroyed whenever I want. I was just going to give you the honor of doing so.

[shouts] But if you’re not fucking capable for some emotional fucking crazy reason, then I’ll go find someone fuckin’ else, and it’s gonna be a little inconvenient, and I’m gonna be very disappointed. D’you wanna disappoint me? Do you want to disappoint me?

Glitter Can: Part of me is in- intrigued to destroy them, because they’re imbeciles and hooligans and give supers a bad name. But you have to say please.

[Kaitlyn stifles laughter.]

Bart: I…I said “fucking please”. I said “fucking please”. I said “fucking please” do it.

Glitter Can: Well fucking alright then.

Bart: Alright.

Credits

[Episode End music throughout.]

Mayanna Berrin: Additional Voices by David Michmerhuizen, Chad Ellis, Kaitlyn Cornell, and M. Colton Brodeur.

Music, Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Character Artwork by Rhea Lonsdale

Episode Artwork by Josh Wolf

Special thanks to Greg Reasoner, Matt Johnston and all our Patreon Supporters

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.com/music

Follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook @20SidedStories

Or visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Episode End music crescendos and fades out.]

Extras

Sage: Some sort of exclamation, grunt, swear word, like, when you trip in the bushes and they hear you.

Beth: Okay.

[Beat.]

[grunts] Oh, shoot.

[Beth stifles laughter.]

Ah!

Doyee!

[Beth stifles laughter.]

Sage: [amused] Okay, great.

Beth: [Goofy impression] Huyuck!

[Stifled laughter.]

David: Hur!

Beth: [accent] Wake me up.

[Stifled laughter.]