20 Sided Stories

MARVEL: Survivors of The Snap

Episode 5 - Narc Hunt

Air Date: April 1, 2020

[Podcast Intro music plays throughout.]

Sage G.C.: 20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Marvel Studios, Marvel Entertainment, The Walt Disney Company, or any other associates or official canon.

Travis Reaves: This is a fan-made parody piece created in fair use, and all mentioned names, products, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

Jessica Dahlgren: The bulk of what you're about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who love the MCU, and we're so excited for you to join us on this superpowered adventure.

[Intro crescendos.]

Travis: Thank you.

Jessica: And welcome.

Sage: To 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Radio switches on.]

Woman: You're listening to…

[Rock music introduction.]

Man: 616 Power!

Bart: Good afternoon, Seattle. Here’s The News.

Uh, our contacts over at the Castle have a new one for us. You ready for this fresh freak show? Uh, you’re not gonna believe this. Man-Fish has been sighted stompin’ around Catalina Island.

Now what they do on Catalina is their business, alright. It’s a free country, they can do what they want. But Man-Fish? Seriously? All this collateral damage, people dying in the streets, everything…it’s gettin’ crazier every day out here.

We’ve got— The DMV is responsible for keeping people who aren’t safe drivers off the road. Why don’t we have some kind of system in place to kinda put a lasso on these freakshows out here, alright?

Now, S.H.I.E.L.D. definitely had problems in upper management, that’s- that’s, you know, definitely true, but just because the brass have a problem in a company doesn’t mean that the boots on the ground have the same problem. So I don’t know.

I don’t think the answer is completely hands off. I-I just can’t believe that that’s the answer. Because you got these people around here with power. We know that absolute power corrupts absolutely. You got Man-Fish interrupting people’s smoking sessions unilaterally. Doesn’t make sense to me.

Any college dropout now can put on a cape and LARP as Batman and nobody can do anything about it. I’m sick of it. I’m absolutely sick of it.

Alright, now we’ve got, uh, Cordelia calling in. Uh, she’s just calling in ’cause we’re giving her her own show on the phone. She can just call in and say whatever she wants. That’s gonna be the next half hour. Stay tuned. Thank you.

[Suspenseful music. Police sirens wail. A man grunts. Clothes rustle.]

Lily: Alright. Now…

Man: Where the hell am I?

Lily: You are probably the last person to have seen my sister alive. So I need you to be very—

Man: Oh my god, you’re hangin’ me over a…

[Voice fades momentarily as he glances over his shoulder.]

You’re hangin’ me over the side of a fuckin’ building right now?

Lily: I need you to be very straightforward with me, and think very, very hard about where you were during the Snap.

Man: I was at my job and then I- and then I left ’cause I got a call from my girlfriend. Wha- it— How old are you?

Lily: Oh.

Man: Are you like sixteen-years-old? Playin’ vigilante right now? Kid, take off the mask. What are you doin’?

Lily: I will break your no…I’ll break your fucking nose. I swear to god.

[Stat test chime.]

[Net chime.]

[A thud is heard as Lily punches him in the face. The man grunts in pain. Lily growls. Clothes rustle and feet scuff as they struggle for a moment.]

Man: Kid- okay, kid. Stop! Look, look. Who’re you lookin’ for? Your sister?

Lily: Yes. Rose. I know that you took care of her. I know that you were probably one of the last people to see her.

Man: You’re gonna have to ask around, ’cause I don’t know anything.

Lily: Did— Who picked her up that day?

Man: Nobody. ’Cause I left.

Lily: Oh that’s really fucking convenient.

[Police sirens wail.]

Man: When shit hit the fan, everybody had to look out for themselves and just themselves, okay?

Lily: Um, no, because you’re a childcare worker, so fuck you.

Man: [defensive] Just part-time.

Lily: Had anybody else come to pick her up that day? Had anybody else asked about her? Had you seen anybody suspicious?

Man: There was some new customer that looked pretty sketchy. I don’t remember what they were wearing or why they were there, but they didn’t look like somebody who had kids. That’s all. That’s all I know. I- I- and that was weird and then the thing happened.

Lily: Man? Woman? Tall? Short? Young? Old? Jesus Christ!

Man: [fast] I don’t know! I don’t know. They looked sketchy, like they were bad with kids. I don’t know. That’s all.

Lily: That’s a really weird thing to remember and not remember any other details about them. I still…I am suspicious of you…but—

[Traffic rumbles below.]

Man: Gonna go home, kid. Look, you’re not Daredevil, and I’m hungry.

[Lily groans in exasperation.]

[A door creaks shut.]

Elle: There you are.

[Footsteps tap.]

Eric: Hey! Hey, babe. I’m home.

Elle: What, uh…

Eric: Uh- y- oh.

Elle: Uh, wow just off stench alone, so many questions.

Eric: Yeah, uh…

Elle: And the hour? Are you okay?

Eric: I’m fine. Everybody’s fine. It was a long day. We—

Elle: Where were you?

Eric: [chuckles] Uh, Catalina Island.

Elle: You were at Catalina Island?

Eric: Yeah. Turns out, it’s a giant weed farm now.

Elle: Wicked, I guess.

Eric: Yeah, run by two weed, like, enhanced people? They have—

Elle: What?

Eric: It was very cartoonish. The whole thing felt like a Hanna-Barbera—

Elle: Weed en- like, weed-themed—

Eric: Yeah, well, and then there was- and then- the- there was a fish but it was also a man. It was a Man-Fish!

Elle: What?

Eric: Yeah. And he was lonely. He kept on shoutin’ about bein’ the only Man-Fish. [sighs]

Elle: Wha- these- these supers are coming out. I’ve never heard of, like, half of these—

Eric: Everyday there’s- there’s six new people with twelve new powers and all of them get wilder and seemingly more ridiculous by the day. But [stammers]… How was your day?

Elle: I mean, not- n-nothin’ like yours.

Eric: What’d you get up to?

Elle: And it happened yesterday… But—

[Eric stifles laughter.]

Eric: I’m sorry.

Elle: Yeah.

Eric: W-we had to—

Elle: L-like a text, you know. Something so I’m no- make sure you’re not—

Eric: I dropped my phone in the ocean.

Elle: [stifles laughter] You have a, you know, crazy job in life…

Eric: Well, you do too! You’re always out and about workin’ on articles. [sighs] Actually I wanted to talk about that. When you said that I was going to the Fort and that things look fishy, both are literally true.

[Gentle guitar music. Footsteps tap on carpet and stairs creak.]

Masha: Lily, where have you been?

Lily: Out.

[Stairs creak as Lily turns toward Masha.]

Masha: It’s, like, 4:30 in the morning! What d’you mean you’ve been “out”?

Lily: I was out looking for leads on Rose, okay? Eric helped me find somebody who might know something, and they sorta did know something, and so it was actually really helpful, and it was fine and I didn’t even have to break any bones. It was totally okay.

Masha: Okay. Hold on. Slow down. Why couldn’t you wait to do this in the daytime? Why didn’t you tell me before you left? I literally am so worried sick about you—

Lily: Because you wouldn’t’ve come with me! You do not care about finding Rose.

Masha: I do care! I care about you! I don’t want you to be gone just like her, okay? You can’t just—

Lily: It’s the only way we’re gonna find her, is if we actually look for her, Masha.

Masha: Well isn’t that what you hired Eric to do? It’s bad enough going out by yourself as a young woman at night in downtown Los Angeles, let alone doing this after the Snap! I mean, come on! You know how crazy people are out there! It’s like Waterworld out there, but…without the water!

[Sage snorts.]

Lily: Eric is helping, but I know her! I know her scent. I-I know—

Masha: I’m just trying to keep the family together as much as I can. I’m sorry—

Lily: You’re not our mom! You’re not Mom, because Mom—

Masha: [loud] Yeah, I know I’m not Mom!

Lily: Mom would be out there looking for Rose.

Masha: Well, no one’s here, okay? So I’m sorry [emotional] I’m not perfect, and I’m sorry I don’t know how to do anything, and everything, okay? But just don’t… Ugh! God! Just don’t leave in the middle of the night, that’s all I’m asking for, okay?

Lily: Alright.

[Masha sighs.]

[Beat.]

Masha: I’m sorry. D’you just wanna talk about this later?

Lily: Please.

[Footsteps tap and stairs creak as Lily goes up to her room.]

Masha: Okay. Just…it’s late, or early.

[Lily’s door clicks shut.]

[loud] Just please don’t start playing your guitar right now!

[Electric guitar slams in!]

Episode 5 - Narc Hunt

[Rock music slowly fades. Footsteps tap on pavement and scuff to a halt.]

Elle: Uh, hi?

Door Guy: Roach. Roach! Get over here. Roach!

Elle: Um, can I- can I go through that door, please?

[Background chatter from Fort dwellers.]

Door Guy: Roach! Roach!

Elle: No. M-my name- my—

Roach: I’m comin’, I’m comin’, I’m comin’!

Door Guy: Roach!

Elle: Oh. Oh.

Roach: I’m here! Door Guy.

Door Guy: Yeah.

Roach: What’s the problem?

Door Guy: Look! [stammers comically]

[Sage and Kaitlyn stifle laughter.]

Roach: It’s a human being, walking in the light o’ day. Door Guy, what’s the issue here?

Door Guy: I don’t ever seen this girl before!

Elle: Hi, yeah. I’m- I’m Elle. Hi. You’re—

Roach: Elle.

Elle: Uh, wh-what’s your name?

Door Guy: Door Guy.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elle: Right. Hi, Door Guy.

Roach: Do you have a real name?

Door Guy: Not any more.

Roach: Alright. ’Ey, Elle. I’m the…I’m kinda runnin’ the show here. You have any problems? Somethin’ up? Come to hang…?

Elle: Yeah, no, I’m just here to check it out. I’ve heard a lot about this place and, um—

Roach: You got a notebook in your hands. I don’t know about that.

Elle: To be up front I am- I’m a journalist. But I’m freelance, for myself, so I’m not getting paid for— This is all just for—

Door Guy: I don’t trust her.

Roach: What d’you- what do- what d’you wanna know here? I-I can tell you whatever you need to know. Y-you know, like I said, I’m runnin’ the show here. If you need to know somethin’ I can let you know.

Elle: Well, I mean it’s hard to know unless I don’t see inside, right?

Roach: Well, maybe we’re a little busy right now. Maybe we’re at maximum capacity. A lot o’ people like the Fort and we don’t have any room.

Elle: I smell weed.

Roach: Weed is legal.

Elle: Well, it’s not- I mean… Maybe I have some.

Roach: You some kinda narc? Sound a lot like a narc.

Door Guy: You a narc?

Roach: Sound like a narc.

Elle: I have some friends who’ve been here, I’m pretty sure, and I’m just a little worried about them, and also wanna just see what’s goin’ on and maybe take some notes. If it’s okay with you! But if not, I can not take notes, too.

Door Guy: I think she’s lookin’ for a hookup.

[Roach takes a deep breath.]

Roach: Look, Elle, why don’t we, uh… I think we gotta reschedule this, alright? We got a lot o’ enhanced folk in there, as you might realize, who aren’t exactly, uh, registered. Folks who maybe don’t wanna answer to the power trio, ’kay? Stark, the UN, S.H.I.E.L.D., or what’s left of ’em.

Maybe you’re not a narc. Maybe you are. Who’s to say? But, uh…[tsks] I don’t know. Wh-wh-what d’you say? Thursday? How’s a Thursday?

Elle: I-I’ll give you $50.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Roach: What?

Elle: I have $50. This is how rich I am.

[Kaitlyn stifles laughter.]

Door Guy: Roach, you gotta have more self-respect than to take a bribe of $50 seriously, right?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elle: Come on, I gotta get in here!

Roach: Look, Elle. We’ll talk later.

Elle: Wait, come on, what d’you mean? You don’t even have my cell phone number!

Roach: Thursday! D-Door Guy, Door Guy, crank…crank that thing down.

[Door Guy makes “Chch” noises as he closes the garage door.]

Elle: [quiet] Wow. You don’t need to- It makes that noise already.

Door Guy: I need to do it!

Elle: Alright.

Masha, Roach: [together] It’s a coping mechanism!

[Door Guy continues making “chch” noises.]

Elle: I’m writing this down.

Sage: We transition inside of the Fort as Roach enters. And there is celebration!

[Rock music. Fort dwellers cheer and clap.]

Only just yesterday did the weed supply finally come back in and everybody knows who did it.

[Noise maker blows.]

The Fort Crew: Bloodhound, Scry, Roooulette! Bloodhound, Scry, Roooulette! Bloodhound, Scry, Roooulette! Bloodhound, Scry, Roooulette!

Hype Man: You guys need, like, a team name! What- what’re we gonna call these people?

Indie Hero: Bloodhound, Scry, Roooulette!

[Stifled laughter.]

Lily: Oh should we, like, formulate, like, a team name?

Masha: A team name.

Eric: Team…we’re a team.

Masha: I’m surprised we haven’t thought about this yet. Um…

Eric: We did solve the weed crisis single handedly. Three- six- qua— What’s the six?

Masha: Triple handedly.

Eric: Is it quad? No. Sec.

Masha: Oh, no.

[Masha stammers as she tries to think of the word.]

Eric: Uh, hex, hextuple . Hex-handedly.

Lily: Did they teach math in S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Indie Hero 2: [amused] Uh, think- think on it. Just think on it.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Indie Hero: Yo, should be the Blaze Brigade!

Indie Hero 2: That’s a good one!

Masha: That’s a— We can workshop that one. I like it.

Eric: Maybe—

Indie Hero: Write it on the wall!

Siggy: The Weed Creed.

[Masha and Eric chuckle.]

Eric: Alright.

Sage: Roach then enters the scene. Everybody is positive, having a great time and celebrating the three new heroes, who are becoming icons at the Fort. But Roach is lookin’ a little serious.

Eric: Hey, Roach.

Lily: What’s wrong? You look not happy.

Eric: Look, we don’t have to be called The Weed Creed. It’s fine. What’s… Or is there something else going on?

Roach: Look, look, look. Uh, don’t mean to be a party pooper, uh, uh, pity party of any kind. No party’s— Well, you guy’s having a party— Look, just…

[Noise maker blows. Roach sighs.]

Can I talk to you three? Everybody, you keep doin’ your thing. You…

Indie Hero 2: Whoo!

[Footsteps tap as the others return to partying. Fort dwellers cheer and clap.]

Hype Man: Eat shit!

Roach: Three of you, uh… D’you guys got a team name yet?

Masha: Well, we were thinking…

Lily: We’re…workin’ on it.

Masha: Yeah. There was Weed Creed, and Blaze something…

Eric: We’re gonna see how many more things people yell, and just kinda workshop around that.

Roach: Right, right. Well, all things considered, you’re doin’ great. And, uh, really appreciate y’all goin’ out to Catalina. It’s just, uh, [tsks]

I just talked to somebody outside. Somebody with a notepad. As far as my boy Siggy, Theo, Ed, couple o’ the faces around here, even you three! We’re in good company. It’s just, uh… There’s a lot more people around here, you know?

Masha: Yeah.

Roach: I’m seein’ that.

Masha: That’s really great.

Eric: That’s- that’s great, right?

Lily: Henry keeps bringing new people. I told him to stop.

Roach: Look, look, Henry’s one of our finest agents out there. Hittin’ the ground runnin’, you know what I’m sayin’?

Lily: Fucks sake!

Masha: Henry is very charismatic.

Roach: It’s true! It’s true! He’s been tryin’ to get us some intel over at the Castle, see what they’re up to. They’re up to somethin’.

[Suspenseful music.]

The vocabulary they’re usin’, increased fights in the streets, the connections they seem to have with the established that we don’t…it’s not lookin’ good. Ain’t gonna let us just prance around la-la land unchecked forever, but… Look, everyone’s havin’ a good time right now. Tonight, can you guys just, you know, look around? Ask around, uh, I don’t know. Just try to keep your eyes peeled.

Masha: Did something happen? I feel like you’re not telling us something.

Roach: Look, look! Just not yet, okay? Nothin’s happened yet.

Lily: Who was the person outside?

Roach: Some woman reporter. Uh, just lookin’ to ask some questions. And normally I wouldn’t—

Lily: Did she give you a name? A newspaper? She have a face?

Roach: Uh, somethin’ with an E. Elle, I think?

Eric: [quiet] Oh shit.

Roach: Oh, that’s a letter. So not an E. I don’t know if it was L or Elle the name. I can’t…I don’t know. I didn’t ask. Point is, uh, we rescheduled. I-I-I’m startin’ to get the feelin’ that the public is maybe hearin’ about us too much, so just keep an eye out tonight.

Eric: Well, can I ask you somethin’?

Roach: What’s up?

Eric: I mean, I know we’re not in this to get, like, rich and famous, but like, with the Fort, what is the idea here? What’s the goal? Are you tryin’- are you tryin’ to legitimize—

Roach: You already forget my speech?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Hey, Theo! Hey! Hey Theo and Siggy!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Theo: Yeah.

Lily: Oh god.

Siggy: What’s up, boss?

Eric: That’s not…

Roach: We got another one. Got a doubter.

Siggy: [gasps] Oh. Oh!

Eric: I’m not a doubter. I’m—

Siggy: Should- should I start blowin’ the smoke? I can do the smoke.

Roach: We’ve got a- we’ve got- we’ve got a class D situation here.

Eric: That’s n— [sighs]

Theo: D-do you want more of, like, a hype-up or a sit-down talk? I could make tea, or Siggy could start yelling.

Masha: Ooo, I’d like some tea!

Eric: I don’t need a support group, guys. I just want—

Soup Guy: Big ass soup!

[Pot lid clanks.]

Roach: Soup Guy can cook whatever you wanna cook. Well…it has to be soup.

Soup Guy: Big ass soup.

[Pot lid clanks.]

Eric: Okay, then answer me this. You’ve been doin’ this for how long? How long’s the Fort been around?

Roach: Comin’ in three years.

Theo, Siggy: [together] Three years.

Roach: Yeah.

Eric: ’Kay, what happens five years from now, when society starts to rebuild, people are startin’ to make sense of what life is, and this inevitably gets bigger? ’Cause everything gets bigger. Everything gets more complicated. Always. And there’s gonna be more people like whoever this was outside. There’s gonna be people comin’ in askin’ for government contracts or permits for that or sanctions for that. Like, what is the plan?

Roach: Plan is to help people out and stop people like the Castle, like Stark, like S.H.I.E.L.D., like the US government—how many times I gotta say this stuff?—from puttin’ up too many walls on our fellow heroes, alright? The Sokovia Accords are one o’ the worst things that could’ve happened in the history of- of freaks like us.

Eric: But at the same time, you’re lookin’- you’re asking us now to look out for people inside that are, what? Shady or shifty? Or like, if there’s no walls, what’re you—

Roach: If I’m not mistaken, around every corner someone’s been tryin’ to, you know, yoink your ass. So, I mean—

Eric: Yeah but—

[Colton stifles laughter.]

Roach: —if anything this is a double whammy. You get to—

Eric: Yeah, but they’re in a trench coat and glasses. You could spot ’em from a fuckin’ mile away.

Roach: Sure.

Eric: What—

Siggy: There’s a couple guys in here with trench coats. And glasses, actually.

Eric: Wait, what?

Siggy: Well, not like—

Theo: I mean, not at the same time.

Siggy: No.

Roach: So all I’m sayin’ is a lot o’ people comin’ in the Fort. We wanna set up a safe place here. Wanna make sure people can come here and feel good.

Theo: If you have ideas about how to expand or work into that growth…

Eric: I mean, I have experience with infrastructure, if that’s what you’re talkin’ about.

Lily: [quiet] Secret Nazi infrastructure?

Masha: Lily, that’s a sore subject. He didn’t know, okay? It wasn’t… He was, like, a child.

Lily: They’re not secret Nazi— Okay, no but here’s the question. Like, sure whatever, big picture blah, politics, but…strange lady outside the gates? Like, what’s the plan with that? ’Cause I feel like we can work on that.

Masha: We can watch out. If that’s what you want us to do.

Roach: ’S all I’m askin’.

Eric: Is there anything you want us to look for?

Roach: Anybody who, uh, maybe wants to take us down before we even started, you know what I’m sayin’?

Siggy: Squares. Look for squares.

Eric: [mumbles] Oh god, what?

Roach: Yeah, look for some stiff-ass narcs that might be looking to lock up some undocumented heroes.

Siggy: Just pretty much anybody with even a remotely larger stick up their ass than you have, would be great.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Eric: Wh… Got it.

Sage: Siggy and Roach high-five and walk off.

[Siggy chuckles. A high-five taps and footsteps fade away.]

Theo: Uh, yeah, I’ve got… You can come back for the tea I just, it seemed… Yeah. Bye!

[Footsteps fade quickly.]

Masha: Bye, Theo! Thank you!

Lily: Bye, Theo.

[Suspenseful guitar music.]

Sage: And then, as Roach leaves, he passes by some other punky lookin’ dude. He’s leaning, arms crossed, by a pillar, dressed in a black-on-black ensemble and denim shorts. Fits right in. But you notice Roach leans over and whispers something in his ear, and they’re both looking at you three. Weird vibe. Then Roach trails off.

Eric: Look, I like the both of you a lot. Honestly. I am having a good time doing this hero thing as weirdly structured-not-structured as it is. I just don’t…I don’t know if I buy into all this shit that we’re a part of right now. I don’t think anybody knows what they’re doing, and that scares the shit outta me.

Masha: Well, I feel like most people don’t really know what they’re doing if you think about it. We’re just trying our best.

Lily: Yeah, the problem is when those people are in leadership positions. Like, I mean, Roach is nice, but, like, his answer for everything is just, like, punk rock! Which, like, same, but also…

[Lily and Masha chuckle.]

It’s not a great business model.

Masha: Well this is good then! If we- if we feel like we can change something, if we can improve it, we have good contributions and we’re doing really well and I think if this is— This is like a opportunity!

Eric: All I know is that the second people who believe in a cause start worrying about the security of the cause, that’s when they stop trusting everybody, and that’s when things get weird.

Masha: I mean, eat shit’s not good enough for you? Is it…

Eric: Eat shit’s fine! I get eat shit, that’s clear. When it’s “Eat shit but look out for the guy that doesn’t think- that seems like he might not wanna eat shit, but we’re not sure if he does or not, so just look out for him and maybe take him out back, and then maybe touch ’im, and maybe spy on ’im…” It gets too complicated.

Lily: Whoa. That- that- yeah. That took a wild ride. Uh, I guess the first thing in order is… We need a team name.

Eric: Yeah, I guess. I would- I would like that. I’d like- I would like to have something that is- sets us as us. The three of us. That’s—

Masha: We’re the chip-da-the— Sorry, I stuttered. Um. [chuckles] I’m kinda nervous.

[Gentle action music.]

Sage: And the very same punky hero, who Roach just spoke with, invites himself over. As he gets closer you recognize his face a little bit more. You’ve probably seen ’im around. Just haven’t officially met yet.

[Footsteps scuff to a stop.]

Lily: Hey.

Man: What’s up, guys, um… I don’t know what you guys are calling yourselves now, I heard maybe like GSR or some, like, punk stuff like that, but like… I’m sorry, who’re you?

Masha: We’re- we’re the ones that got the weed back.

Man: [impressed] Oh, yeah, you guys.

Lily: Yeah, us guys.

Man: Guys, that’s, uh—

Masha: I’m- I’m Roulette.

Man: Nice to meet you, Roulette.

Lily: Uh, I- I’m Bloodhound. Yeah.

Eric: Uh, you can call me Eric. What’s up?

Man: Wow. Uh, that’s a lame name.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Um. First off, Bloodhound, your name is siiick.

Lily: [chuckles] Oh my god, thank you.

Man: Uh, thought you should know. Um, but, guys.

[Masha sighs.]

You guys’re, so far, pretty punk in my book. Guys gettin’ the weed back into this place? But it’s gettin’ a little, um, [tsks] what’d you say, um, [chuckles] too much in here? Right? I don’t know you. So I don’t know which one o’ you’s a narc and which one o’ you is, like—

Eric: Hold on! Who are you?

Short Circuit: Uh, I’m sorry. My name’s Short Circuit, bro.

Eric: Okay?

Masha: [gasps] I’ve heard about you!

Short Circuit: Yeah, it’s like—

Eric: You have?

Lily: [quiet] Oh, he “bro”ed you.

Masha: Yeah, they talk about ’im. I just never- I—

Eric: I thought they were just talkin’ about how everything in this place short circuits all the time.

Masha: Oh.

Lily: Nah, dude, how d’you think we have power in here?

Short Circuit: Yeah, dude, that’s me. I’m, like, the house battery of this here Fort.

Eric: Oh. Cool.

Short Circuit: So, um, you’re welcome.

Eric: Thanks for the toaster.

Short Circuit: Yeah. Absolutely. That’s my favorite part. It’s the toaster.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Look, I don’t know you guys all too well, so I think you should know that I’m just gonna be keepin’ my eyes close to you guys. ’Cause I’m not tryin’ to get any, like, yuppies to come up in here and, like, smoke out some o’ these, like, unsanctioned heroes.

Masha: We’ve been here for a while, though…

Short Circuit: Well, you’re still new blood to me. So…

Lily: How long have you been here?

Short Circuit: Oh, I’ve been here since inception. Maybe, you know, just after inception, really.

Masha: The movie?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

The one with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Short Circuit: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, Gordon. Gordon-Levitt. That guy.

Masha: Yeah!

Short Circuit: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great film. Um, when did that come out?

Masha: Uh…I don’t remember.

Short Circuit: Yeah, it was after that.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Masha: Oh, okay.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Short Circuit: I’m really just tryin’ to make this a home for people. And so, just so you know, I’m still not totally cool with you guys.

Masha: Oh…

Lily: Um…

Eric: That’s fine by me, buddy.

Lily: R-Roach said we’re cool with him. Just, like, in case that counts for anything.

Masha: He asked us to be on the lookout for people.

Lily: Yeah.

Masha: That have stick up their asses, so…

Lily: I think we’re on the same side. Is- is what you’re saying.

[Short Circuit grunts in vague acknowledgment.]

Masha: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m- was tryin’ to say.

Eric: I thought she meant you looked like you had a stick up your ass, which frankly…

Short Circuit: See that’s also what I thought she was getting at.

Eric: Yeah.

Masha: Oh! No, no, no, no! [nervous chuckle] I wasn’t being like—

Lily: She would literally never say that about anybody ever.

Eric: That’s what I’m getting at.

Short Circuit: Oh.

[Beat.]

Hmm.

Masha: Alright…

Lily: Are they doing, like, a man posturing thing?

Short Circuit: Wow.

Masha: This is, like, a toxic masculinity thing goin’ on.

Lily: Yeah, it is.

Eric: Shut- that’s not what this…

Masha: Uh…

Lily: You guys are just staring at each other.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Masha: Yeah.

Lily: And you’re sweating a little bit.

Masha: And your arms are crossed! I think that’s what this is.

Sage: [chuckles] Short Circuit and Eric don’t move for, like, three minutes. Nothing’s being said. It’s very uncomfortable for everybody.

Masha: Should we go…

Lily: Yeah, do you guys wanna be alone?

Sage: But then…

[Suspenseful music. Footsteps tap as someone passes the group.]

Somebody walks by. Somebody in a long-ass coat. Somebody with their face a little obscured. And they head into the left wing.

[Adventure music.]

Masha: You know, as much as I wanna watch you guys stare at each other really intensely and, you know…

Lily: Yeah. Eric.

[Short Circuit grunts.]

Masha: [stage whispers] Someone in a trench coat is walking in the left wing!

Eric: What?

Lily: Eric. Coat. Obscured face.

Eric: What where?

Special Thanks

[Commercial jingle.]

Bart: Okay, and now a word from our sponsor.

[Tape rewinds.]

Sage: Tell us about Short Circuit.

Travis: And why is his name Ed Helms?

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Tanner: No relation.

Travis: Okay.

[Laughter.]

Tanner: Literally just for that exact reason.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Sage: Great.

Tanner: Short Circuit pre-Snap. He was just a concert light technician. He is this, like, mid-thirties, like, not exactly crust punk, but he’s, like, a little punky.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Yeah. You know. Are you punk enough to jam with the punks?

Sage: Please talk like that the whole time.

[Laughter.]

Travis: I’m gonna murder—

Emily: You’re making Sage so happy with all o’ this punk stuff.

Travis: I’m gonna murder this guy.

Sage: That is the aesthetic that I wanted to— ’Cause it, you know, we could just—

Travis: You picked the one aesthetic I am just fundamentally against as a whole.

Sage: Oh you just hate it.

[Sage and Jessica stifles laughter.]

Travis: I fuckin’ can’t stand—

Emily: You square.

Travis: Yeah!

Tanner: Okay, Boomer.

[Laughter.]

Travis: I like haircuts and I like shower—

Sage: [claps; amused] Fuck!

[Tape fast-forwards.]

Sage: You know the drill! That was from our patron-exclusive interview with Tanner Risner where we discuss a smattering of topics like van-life and his hero, Short Circuit. It’s available exclusively to very cool and chill people. Such as…

Travis: Aela Taylor

Sage: Dillon Adams

Emily: Cameron Spear

Jessica: Christian McDow

Emily: Juline

Sage: M. Colton Broduer. Colton, I told you not to…

Everyone: Thanks Colton.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Jessica: Kaylin Secouy

Emily: April Stools [chuckles] Got ’im.

Sage: And…

Travis: Eric Deck

Sage: Thank you all so much! The patreon really keeps me going and it pays for, like, my groceries. So that’s nice!

If you wanna snag an Adventure Pass like them and listen to a whole bunch of secret content, go to

patreon.com/20SidedStories

We have a couple of slots for bonus content coming up, actually. Give us ideas! No guarantees, but we love to hear ’em.

Alrighty. Let’s return to the episode.

Narc Hunt - Part II

[Adventure music]

Eric: Trench coat? Here? Where? Where’d they go? Where?

Lily: Shh, shh, shh.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Lily tries to hear. Lily, can you roll me Powerful Combat?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Emily: 21.

[Travis whistles.]

Sage: 21!

Jessica: Damn.

Tanner: Dang.

Sage: Lily listens in. She has this new hearing ability that she’s still trying to get used to, and she’s able to track some footsteps. There’s a lot of footsteps. However, rolling a 21, yeah! You’re able to pinpoint the exact walking pattern and rhythm as they cross into the west hall.

Lily: O-okay. They’re- they’re at the, um…Oh sh- I heard them go to the left balcony and they shut the door behind them.

Masha: Oh, well let’s go! Let’s go!

Lily: Okay, quietly.

Masha: [whispers] Okay.

Eric: You know, if you just let me touch you, I could hear where they’re going and I can help.

Lily: [slow] Don’t even think about it.

Eric: Fine. You coming?

Short Circuit: Sure.

Eric: Great.

Short Circuit: Just to watch you, though.

Eric: Likewise, you fuckin’ Bad Brains shirt and your IATSE badge.

Short Circuit: Whoever’s in this house o’ mine, we’ll take ’im down

Sage: Our three heroes, joined by Short Circuit, travel into the left wing. Not very far, they’re already in the top floor. There’s a lot of people. Everyone’s still hanging out and having a great time getting high and just celebrating the fact that shit’s workin’ out here.

As they start to parse through the crowd, passing a bunch of people, and they get to the door and they open it.

[Metal door creaks open.]

They’re outside now. It’s sundown and nobody’s there.

Masha: You smell anything?

[Crickets chirp. Footsteps scuff to a stop.]

Lily: Hold on, let me… [sniffs]

Sage: Nothin.

Lily: Um. I’m gonna be real right now. It smells like weed.

Masha: Oh.

Short Circuit: Mm-hmm.

Lily: Yeah.

Masha: That makes sense.

Short Circuit: Right.

Lily: It’s a hybrid, though. Think it’s Cookies.

Masha: Nice.

Lily: [sniffs] Yeah.

Short Circuit: [quiet] Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Eric: So any idea of—

Short Circuit: So, um… Well, we just lost ’em?

Lily: Did they jump over the balcony?

Eric: I don’t know.

Masha: Well, I’m just so confused, because it sounds like they were really strict with not letting this reporter chick in, but now all of a sudden there’s, like, suspicious people inside here that we have to look out for, but, like, how are they getting in? ’Cause if they’re really strict and the reporter couldn’t come in, then why- who— [moans]

Eric: This is what I’m talking about. It’s mismanagement. You guys have been goin’ just with whatever feels right in the moment, and the second it gets too big, all of a sudden you start layin’ down these abstract rules of, like, oh look out for anyone whose vibe doesn’t match. And, like, you can’t quantify that.

Short Circuit: What? A vibe?

Eric: Yeah.

Short Circuit: As in cool or not cool?

Eric: Yeah.

Short Circuit: As in like, you know, a narc or not a narc?

Eric: Yeah. Or a piece o’ shit.

[Masha groans.]

Short Circuit: Whoa. I think—

Eric: Who thinks he’s better than everyone just because he’s been here longer.

[Masha groans.]

Short Circuit: Listen, dude—

Masha: Hey boys! [nervous chuckle]

Short Circuit: How’s this feel? So, here’s what’s gonna happen.

[Action music.]

I’ve got this Wi-Fi monitor that I’ve hooked up through all the security cameras.

[Footsteps scuff and clothes rustle as Short Circuit pulls out a tablet case.]

Masha: Perfect.

Lily: Great, so we can just see where they went?

[Zipper opens as Short Circuit opens his tablet case.]

Short Circuit: Yeah. Where did you hear them last? Where were they running towards?

Lily: Well they- out towards the balcony. I mean—

Masha: Right here?

Lily: —they came down here and then I- I can’t— I didn’t hear them anymore, but I figured that’s prob’ly ’cause, like, the ground is grass down there.

Short Circuit: Okay, then I’m gonna turn this on—

[A switch clicks and electronic whirring is heard. He types as he speaks.]

—and let’s check out the cameras on the terrace towards the planetarium.

Eric: This is really good.

Short Circuit: And— Oh thank you. Whoa.

Lily: Did you just compliment another man?

Masha: A breakthrough!

Lily: Aww!

Sage: While Short Circuit’s booting up his system to check on these cameras, Lily hears a noise.

[Rustling.]

Lily: Wait, hold on. There’s something…

Sage: It’s like somebody’s climbing. Somebody’s ruthlessly climbing to sneak into the Fort. And she pulls herself up.

[A woman grunts.]

Lily: There’s somebody climbing up one of the balconies. I can hear her making—

Eric: Do they- how many roofs are they doing it with?

[Stifled laughter.]

Lily: Wait, wait, wait. It’s- it’s over there, by the zipline! By the zipline, yeah.

[Footsteps scuff and patter as Elle stumbles onto the balcony.]

Elle: Fuckin’ shit, ugh. Ah, finally.

Eric: Holy…

Masha: [gasps] Oh my gosh.

Lily: Do you know her?

Masha: Hey!

Elle: AH! Sorry, what?

Masha: What are you doing here?

Eric: Elle.

Elle: Hi.

Lily: Are you a reporter?

Elle: Um, no. Uh…

[Clothes rustle as Elle hides her notebook behind her back.]

Sage: [amused] She quickly puts away her notebook, that’s very obviously filled with all sorts of notes.

Lily: Okay, sorry. [sighs] Let me backtrack really quickly. You’re the reporter from earlier.

Elle: Nnno. [scoffs]

Lily: Also, why do you look like you know her?

Eric: What?

Masha: You look very shocked and stunned.

Elle: Eric?

[Beat.]

Eric: E-Elle.

Elle: Heeey.

Eric: Hey. Hey!

Elle: What, you’re in here? What…

Eric: Y-yeah. Yeah, l-long time…

Masha: Uhhh.

Short Circuit: Hmm.

Lily: Eric knows people that aren’t us?

Masha: Eric why do you know somebody who’s tryin’ to sneak into the Fort?

Short Circuit: It’s prob’ly because he doesn’t belong here.

Eric: Oka— [sighs]

Elle: Wh-what’s up?

Lily: I mean, like she definitely doesn’t…

Masha: I thought you were supposed to tell us everything. What’s going on?

Lily: How do you know him?

Elle: W-well…

Eric: We…

Sage: But then!

[Computer beeps. Clothes rustle as Short Circuit moves to check it.]

An image, he sees, going downstairs. Somebody in a long coat passes through previously known as the Stellar Emporium Gift Shop, now known as Gift Bag’s lab.

[Action music.]

Short Circuit: [quiet] Ooh. [normal] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Masha: What is it?

Short Circuit: Gah. The— Whoever was in the trench coat that we were chasing is now in the lab. In Gift Bag’s lab!

Masha: Alright, well, l-let’s go!

Eric: Gift Bag’s lab?

Masha: Lady in a trench coat— Or no.

Lily: Okay, well we have to tell Theo.

Masha: You- you’re not in a trench coat. Uh, I’m—

Eric: Her name is Elle! Elle.

Elle: I can just- I’ll follow you. That’s—

Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s not safe. Come on, let’s go.

[Footsteps tap as everyone runs to the lab.]

Sage: We all go downstairs, passing through the Cosmic Connection. There’s a brief moment of tranquility.

Masha, Elle, Lily: [together] Wow…

Sage: And then we’re in the gift shop and Theo’s there.

[Door clanks open.]

Eric: Where’d they go?

[Chair creaks as Theo turns around.]

Theo: What?

Lily: Did somebody come in?

Masha: [quickly] Did you see somebody with a trench coat? A really long coat?

Short Circuit: Yeah, they were just here.

Theo: I have been staring at my screen. I am so sorry. What’s going on?

[Masha groans quietly.]

Eric: There’s an intruder in a trench coat.

Masha: [fast] One o’ the people that’s tryin’a kill Eric!

Eric: We think.

Short Circuit: Got a narc!

Theo: Hold on. Let me pull this up.

[Chair creaks as he turns around. A mouse clicks and the computer beeps as he taps into the security feed.]

Oh, yeah. Yeah! They went- looks- right that way. Right that way.

Masha: Wha—

Theo: I- yup.

Short Circuit: They just- r-right past you?

Theo: I was just- I mean the work is very important, there’s a lot going on here [stammers].

Lily: It’s okay. Wait, shh, shh, shh. Let me see if I can hear.

Elle: [whispers] I’m sorry, did this place used to be the gift shop and it’s now—

Lily: I-I—

[Masha and Theo frantically shush them.]

Elle: [quiet] Sorry, sorry.

Eric: [whispers] What’re you doing here?

Lily: I can- I can hear your heartbeat from twenty feet away, so…

Masha: [quiet] Everybody quiet!

Theo: [whispers] Sorry.

Elle: [whispers] Wow.

Eric: [whispers] Shh, shh.

[Muffled noise overlaps. Footsteps thud in the distance.]

Lily: They’re upstairs in the right wing.

Eric: [whispers] Is Daniel here? What’s…

Short Circuit: Alright, I’ll pull up that security camera.

Lily: I would know if Daniel was here. [sniffs and sighs]

Elle: [quiet] You know who Daniel is?

Eric: [quiet] It’s not important.

Theo: Hey, Short Circuit, yeah. I can just feed the screens to you. You don’t have to do it manually.

Short Circuit: Oh, yeah. If you- please.

Theo: You- you got it.

Short Circuit: Thank you.

Theo: I’ll be your person on the ground.

[Mouse clicks.]

Short Circuit: Oh, absolutely.

Theo: Yeah.

Short Circuit: D’you have- If we start running away, do you have your—

[Chair squeaks as Theo stands up.]

Theo: Here’s an ear piece, here’s an ear piece.

[Clothes rustle and footsteps tap as Theo hands it over.]

Short Circuit: Yeah, do you have your ear piece? Thank you so much.

Theo: Do- do you guys also want ear piece— Who are you? Hi.

Elle: Hi, I’m Elle.

Theo: Hi, Theo. Nice to meet you.

Elle: Who are you? Are you a super?

[Everyone shouts over each other.]

Short Circuit: We don’t have time for introductions.

Masha: We don’t have the time! I would like an ear piece! I would like an ear piece!

Theo: I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Ear pieces, ear pieces. Here you go!

Eric: She’s doing a piece on the thing.

Soup Guy: Big-ass soup!

Eric: These are the ones we don’t have to do anything and then they work, right?

Theo: Exactly.

Eric: Like magic, almost?

Theo: Yeah.

Short Circuit: Yeah.

Eric: Okay, great.

Masha: Let’s go!

Lily: Can you set the volume really, really, really, really low?

Theo: I already took care of it.

[Lily sighs in relief.]

Short Circuit: Basically off.

Eric: I wanna be able to hear it no matter what’s happening, even if it’s, like, explosions and murder and—

Masha: Okay, there’s a trench coat dude upstairs somewhere and he’s gonna kill somebody!

Sage: And we cut to the right wing again. Everybody’s hanging out, it’s so hustle and bustle right now. There’s not been this many people at the Fort yet. There’s almost too many people! Tryin’a get through, tryin’a get through the crowds and tryin’a see if somebody is visible.

[Footsteps tap and squeak. Masha grunts as she jumps, trying to see over the crowd. Clothes rustle.]

Eric: You know for half all the people being gone, there’s still a lot o’ fuckin’ people in this place.

Elle: Um, how many would you say, approximately?

Eric: I do— What? I don’t know. Like, couple hundred?

Lily: [loud] She’s a reporter! [normal] Maybe. I don’t know.

Masha: Didn’t you know that? You know her.

Eric: Yes, I know. Yes, yes. We know each other. That’s… Where is the person wh—

Lily: Why didn’t you just ask him about the Fort?

Masha: Okay, well, let’s look around.

Eric: She didn’t know—

Theo: [over radio] Everyone, someone th- someone threw underwear over the camera in this room. I can’t see anything but I can still hear you.

Masha: Ew!

Short Circuit: Oh my—

Eric: Now they’re naked?

Theo: No, in the room you’re in. I can see the next one.

Short Circuit: Oh, so you can’t see us? You can just see…

[Masha gasps.]

Theo: I cannot see you.

Masha: Oh my god.

Short Circuit: Okay, so they’re in here.

Masha: We gotta get outta here.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Short Circuit: Get outta here? We gotta…

Eric: What? No.

Masha: I’m terrified!

Short Circuit: …sniff out this person.

Lily: Oh. Okay.

Masha: But they’re gonna do something to us! I’m sorry. I’m scared right now!

Eric: [gently] Masha, Masha, Masha.

Masha: What?

Lily: Wait. How d’we—

Eric: [gently] We have super powers. We’re gonna be alright.

Masha: [whispers] Okay, I have super powers, I have super powers.

Lily: How do we know the underwear’s the trench coat person’s? We don’t know that. Could just be party people.

Eric: He’s sounding more and more like a flasher. This might just be a flasher here. Is that what’s going on?

Masha: It’s a wild party maybe?

Sage: Theo then gets an update.

[Computer beeps.]

Theo: [over radio] Hey, someone just went in the planetarium.

Short Circuit: Great!

Lily: Oh, shit.

Short Circuit: Guys, if we get to the planetarium, I can lock them in there. If we get in there, I can use the security system and lock it.

Theo: [over radio] There are multiple entrances.

Short Circuit: Well, they’ve got gates, right?

Lily: Yeah, I think the doors are electronic, ’cause, like, back when they used to do the show it’d be like [mocks] ooo, the doors open and close automatically. Wait behind the yellow line. Don’t walk into the planetarium.

Masha: Alright, let’s do it!

Short Circuit: Wow you have some issues with the planetarium. But yes, let’s do this.

[Footsteps tap as everyone runs.]

Sage: There’s a couple of people hanging out inside there. It’s a cool room to hang out in. It’s very vibe. But you definitely see, aside from the small crowd hanging out in there, two separate people on opposite ends of the room. Both wearing long dark coats.

[Background chatter continues. Suspenseful action music.]

Theo: [over radio, whispers] It’s the one right there. [normal] Sorry, I don’t need to whisper. It’s the one right there.

Eric: Hey. I’m gonna go beat the shit outta that guy in the trench coat.

Short Circuit: Hell yeah.

Lily: Which one?

[Short Circuit stifles laughter.]

Eric: That one. The one that looks like the one that’s been tryin’ to kill me.

Masha: Wait, but I thought we were chasing that one.

Eric: Okay.

Lily: We are.

Eric: We’re gonna split up into teams.

[Short Circuit grunts.]

Masha: [groans] Oh, this doesn’t end well.

Eric: And some of us are gonna kick that one’s ass.

[Masha sighs.]

Short Circuit: Yeah.

Eric: And some of us are gonna kick that one’s ass.

[Masha groans.]

Short Circuit: Totally.

Eric: Yeah.

Lily: We- but Eric. One of them snuck in. One of them we’ve been following, the other one you’re now saying is also bad.

Eric: Yeah, so be—

Short Circuit: We can just—

Masha: Sounds like a riddle. I’m not good at riddles, I’m not good…

Lily: Can you electrocute people?

Short Circuit: Um, I can lock us in, create a cage-match environment, and we can just kick ass, ask questions later. I don’t know why we’re still standing here.

Masha: Alright, let’s do—

Eric: Do it.

Lily: Yeah, you know what? Yeah. I’m into that.

Eric: Do journalists carry a gun? Do you have a gun?

[A gun slips out of a holster and cocks.]

Elle: I do, actually.

Eric: What?

Elle: I mean, it’s post-Snap! Come on!

Masha: Holy sh—

Theo: [over radio] I’m hitting record!

Sage: Short Circuit goes over to the door.

[Rapid footsteps tap as Short Circuit runs.]

[Stat test chime.]

Go ahead and roll me full purple right now. That’s Energy and Soul.

Tanner: Full purple.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Electricity crackles as Short Circuit’s powers activate.]

Great, I got under, and then I rolled a 24.

[Success chime.]

Travis: Holy shit!

[Clap.]

Sage: God damn!

Jessica: Oh my god!

Travis: The doors have never been more sealed!

[Everyone chuckles.]

Sage: They come crashin’ down harder than Door Guy could ever do it before.

[Electricity crackles. The doors slam shut with a loud bang.]

[Chuckling.]

The Fort is on full lockdown.

Lily: Shit, that’s cool.

Sage: But he doesn’t stop there. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! And then rock music is blasting really loud and a fog machine bursts in from above and flashing strobe lights.

[Rock music blares.]

Masha: Oh my god, this is giving me so much anxiety right now!

Eric: Use it!

[Masha groans.]

Lily: You got this, come on!

Short Circuit: Oh, let’s do this. [cracks knuckles]

Theo: [over radio] Damn, Short Circuit. You went full rave!

Lily: Unleash the beast!

Elle: Does this happen regularly in the planetarium?

Short Circuit: Not enough.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Are you rolling for your power?

Jessica: I’m rolling for my power.

Sage: Alright, roll!

[Jessica groans in worry.]

[A buzzing crinkle is heard as Masha’s power activates.]

Jessica: Oh no.

[Sage chuckles. Travis laughs.]

Emily: No!

Jessica: It was my memory!

Sage: In which case, in that brief moment where Masha feels connected to her powers, for the five that are left, she suddenly has control and is able to guide the missing gate to one of the others.

Masha: Um, what should I do, uh…

Sage: Everybody goes into places and starts to fight.

Lily: Hey, you! Yeah, you!

Man: Huh?

Lily: Yeah, you with the long-ass coat on in L.A. in the middle o’ summer!

Man: Yeah?

Lily: You wanna tango, bitch?

Sage: [amused] Elle is just pointing her gun.

[A gun cocks.]

Everyone’s like “Whoa!”. They shuffle to the sides of the room. Some people start throwing punches ’cause they think it’s a mosh pit.

[Crowd growls and cheers “Eat shit”.]

Masha: Stop! Stop everything! Stop! There’s too much going on!

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Jessica: 15.

Sage: Lily has her arm up, she’s mid-punch about to sock some guy in the face.

[Rapid footsteps tap. Lily roars.]

Short Circuit is getting ready to—

Tanner: Crowd kill. I bum rush him. I swing, windmill style, into, like, their full body.

Sage: Nice.

Travis: Like a human bey blade!

Tanner: Yeah. [chuckles] Exactly.

Travis: Let ’er rip!

Sage: Eric, all stealthy like, goes over to the trench coat figure who he thinks is the perpetrator. Elle has her gun pointed, keeping the crowd under control making sure nobody interferes with this plan. The moshers are getting riled up, pushing in, forming a wall of death, but then—

[Noise cuts off. Masha sighs.]

Everything freezes. It’s a very brief moment. Nobody can really feel this, to be honest. But for Masha, nobody moves. Masha has a quick moment to approach whoever she wants.

Masha: [fast] Okay. Okay. It’s okay. I got time, I got time. I got time to figure it out. Okay. Time to figure it out. Who am I gonna go- who- um. Oh, fuck I didn’t think this through! I don’t know what to do! I don’t know!

Sage: Things start speeding back up.

Masha: Okay, um, uhh, I’m gonna help Eric I guess.

[Masha moans and footsteps tap as she runs across the room.]

Sage: Masha cuts to the front side of the trench coat. Time is ramping up quickly and now we are in present tense!

[Rock music blares, the sounds of fighting resume.]

The trench coat guy is surprised. You just appeared right in front of ’im!

Masha: Boo! Sucker!

Trench Coat Guy: Whoa! Hey!

[Sage chuckles.]

You scared me there.

Masha: Yeah!

[A loud smack as Masha punches him in the nose.]

Take that!

Trench Coat Guy: Ow! The fuck is going on? I can’t see anything. There’s fog everywhere!

Masha: I got you by the arms!

[Masha growls.]

Eric: Alright, great! Hold ’im there!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Sage: He’s tryin’ to push you off.

[Stat test chime.]

Masha, roll for Durability.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Masha: I got ’im, I got ’im!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Eric, roll me Combat, just the d20.

[Dice roll on table.]

Travis: 20!

[Success chime.]

Sage: Nice!

Travis: Snap his neck!

Sage: Holy shit [chuckles]!

[Clothes rustle as Eric grabs the man, followed quickly by a sickening crack as he breaks Trench Coat Guy’s neck. A thud as the body collapses.]

Masha: Oh my god. [gasps] Ew, ew, ew, ew!

Eric: Ah, fuck!

Lily: Aw man. I could smell that one die, too.

[Eric groans.]

Masha: [moans] Oh my god. We just killed somebody again.

Lily: No, no. Eric killed him, it’s fine.

Masha: [moans] But I helped.

Eric: I know. I’m supposed to—

Theo: [over radio] Are you capturing them? I can’t see anything with the fog.

Eric: Nope!

Lily: Eric killed somebody.

Theo: [over radio] What?

Masha: Oh my god.

Elle: How many people die here a week?

Lily: Again.

Eric: Uh...

Theo: [stammers] None! I wha- what?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Man: Um, hey.

[A thud as Lily tackles him. The man cries out in surprise.]

Lily: Lay down, motherfucker!

[A second thud is heard as they fall.]

Short Circuit: Yeah, there’s still one more, guys. Can we just…

Tanner: Curb stomp him.

[A squelch is heard as Short Circuit stomps on the man’s face. Music stops.]

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Eric groans in surprise.]

Masha: Oh, gross! Oh god.

Lily: [groans] Sick.

Short Circuit: Just teeth everywhere.

Lily: Ah, his skull cracked so hard.

Masha: [moans] I think I’m gonna throw up.

Eric: I think you opened ’im up like PAC-MAN.

Lily: Oh, that was real punk rock.

Masha: [sighs] Oh god.

Elle: …Is this a regular occurrence here?

[Tanner stifles laughter.]

Lily: I don’t know, but I think I’m getting used to it.

Eric: I’m sorry you had to see that.

Sage: The doors open. Lockdown has been lifted. Roach and Siggy come in.

[The doors clank open one by one. Footsteps tap closer.]

Eric: Everybody okay?

[Siggy groans.]

Roach: Whoa!

Siggy: I haven’t even been in here yet. Wow.

Roach: Hey, did you just put everything on lockdown?

[Travis laughs, Sage stifles laughter, Emily chuckles.]

Ed, did you just put everything on lockdown?

Short Circuit: Yeah, we had some, like, narc just run in and try to like— I don’t know what they were doin’, just runnin’ around and sneakin’ around.

Masha: We just killed two people! We didn’t even know who they were!

Roach: I knew it. I knew it. Knew it! Knew it! See! What did I say? Some Castletons comin’ in here, tryin’ to wreck up the Fort.

Short Circuit: Absolutely.

Siggy: Yeah.

Eric: We don’t know that that’s who this is. In fact—

Lily: Yeah. It’s…

Short Circuit: And we’ll never know.

Masha: Wait, wait, wait! We—

Siggy: It’s kind of a clusterfuck, I’m not gonna lie.

Masha: Well, why don’t we check their pockets for their ID? I’m gonna go check.

Eric: If one o’ these- if one of these people have bothered to carry ID on them, I’d be pretty surprised.

Masha: I’m gonna check the left person.

Eric: I’ll check the right, I guess.

Sage: Masha goes over to the left. This is the person that Ed [amused] curb stomped. Her and Short Circuit look at the body, and they search around.

[Stat test chime.]

Short Circuit, roll me Personal Mind.

[Dice roll on table.]

Tanner: 1. So…

[Net chime.]

Sage: You have a 1.

Travis: [quiet] Oh.

Tanner: Yup.

Sage: Yeah, okay. [stifles laughter]

[Tanner chuckles.]

Great. Short Circuit finds an ID. Masha’s not finding anything, but Short Circuit looks at this ID. Some person [stifles laughter] named Steven.

Short Circuit: You guys know a Steven?

Sage: Steven Leonard. [snickers]

Short Circuit: Steven Leonard.

Sage: Looks like a nice guy.

Short Circuit: Looks like a nerd.

[Sage stifles laughter. Colton laughs.]

Or used to, at least. Before, you know, the whole curb stomp, teeth, face thing. Um. Anyone? Here pass- here you guys should prob’ly look at this, ’cause you can’t see what he looks like now.

[Clothes rustle as Short Circuit passes the ID to the others.]

Lily: Um… [sniffs]

Masha: I’ve never seen ’im before.

Sage: Just seems like a regular guy. [stifles laughter]

Siggy: Does it look like anything to you, uh, Roach?

Roach: No. Don’t think I’ve ever seen this guy— OH! Wait, you know what, he came in— Yeah, no, he came in a few days ago.

Short Circuit: Uh-huh.

Roach: Yeah, somethin’ about the battle o’ New York and got involved with some smugglers, but then you know he was gonna try to turn things around. [hesitant] He’s gonna fill in a similar roll to Dr. J since we lost…him.

[Beat.]

Short Circuit: Hmm.

Roach: Steven.

Short Circuit: Oh.

[Beat.]

Like, uh…like he was wantin’ some protection?

Roach: Kinda, yeah.

[Masha and Lily groan.]

Siggy: Well, that worked out.

Masha: Oh my god…

Short Circuit: Well, you know, you hang out with the wrong crowd and [quiet] this is what happens.

Masha: He was by himself!

Door Guy: His troubles are over now. I mean…

Roach: Hey, Door Guy.

[Chuckling.]

Elle: Did you ju— Wait, am I understanding you just killed someone you were supposed to protect?

Masha: Okay, listen—

Short Circuit: Yeah, I’m sorry, who’re you?

Eric: The—

Elle: I’m Elle.

Roach: H-holy shit. How the hell’d you get in here?

Elle: Uh…wha—

Masha: She snuck in here.

Short Circuit: Oh, yeah.

Lily: She climbed. She climbed the fucking balcony.

Door Guy: She did not come in through the door.

[Emily chuckles.]

Siggy: Somebody curb stomp her face!

Roach, Eric: [together] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Short Circuit: I got you.

Roach: Siggy, Siggy, Siggy.

Elle: Hey, I got a gun.

Roach: Okay.

Lily: She does have a gun.

[Roach sighs.]

Elle: Uh, well, I won’t— Well, I-I know too much now, so you might as well keep me here, right?

Eric: [quiet] The fuck you tryin’ to do?

Lily: Why are you here?

Short Circuit: And how do you two know each other?

Lily: Yeah, good question.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: I’m gonna roll something really quick.

[Dice clatter and roll on table.]

Oh, yay!

[Success chime.]

[Chuckling.]

I just rolled for Steven Leonard.

Tanner: Oh, no.

Sage: I rolled full green. Durability and Reality…and he got a critical success.

[Steven gags. A squelch is heard.]

Eric: WHAT?

[Steven coughs.]

Lily: Oh, no.

Masha: Oh Jesus.

Siggy: Oh shit.

Lily: Oh my- Theo!

Short Circuit: Oh guys, we should—

Lily: Theo!

Eric: Can you—

Masha: Theo, can you come down?

Eric: Can you heal him?

Siggy: Medic!

Masha: Oh! I can try to heal him!

Eric: You healed that gunshot in my leg that one time. That was amazing!

Masha: Okay.

[Steven coughs.]

Elle: You heal people?

Masha: Yes, if I- if I do it just right.

[A buzzing crinkle is heard as Masha’s power activates.]

Shit. I’m turning to steel. Oh god.

Lily: Oh god. Everybody step back.

[A metallic clang is heard. Masha’s voice sounds as though it’s coming from a steel tube.]

Masha: Okay, I’ll just sit back.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

I’m gonna cool out for a sec, guys. I’m just- I’m just raw steel.

Sage: Big metal statue Masha just walks into the corner.

[Masha cries pitifully.]

Siggy: Wow.

Lily: [gently] Masha it—

Eric: That’s the first time that hasn’t worked out for us.

[Sage chuckles.]

Lily: —it’s- it’s okay. It’s okay.

Theo: [over radio] Don’t move ’im, I’ll be right down. I’ll be right down!

Sage: Theo rushes into the room as fast as he can. Steven is coughing on his own teeth. [stifles laughter]

[Footsteps tap as Theo approaches. Masha moans in the background.]

Theo: Jesus Christ. Uh, yeah…

Lily: Oh, I’m two for two.

Theo: Can you hold his legs down for me, please?

[Clothes rustle.]

Thank you.

Elle: I can help out. I-I did some time overseas.

Theo: Yeah, yeah!

Short Circuit: You did some time?

Elle: Yeah.

Short Circuit: Where at? San Quentin?

Theo: Come on. Let’s get to work.

Eric: D-doctors Without Borders. It was great.

Short Circuit: Oh.

Elle: Yes.

Eric: She’s a real humanitarian.

Short Circuit: Nice.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Alright, Elle, roll Personal Mind.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

Kaitlyn: 3!

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage: Great.

Theo: You’re- you’re doin’ great. Just watch the neck. Just try not— Okay. There we go.

Elle: Just- so now he can breathe without choking on his insides.

[Labored breathing is heard as Steven gasps for breath.]

Theo: Exactly.

Elle: He still needs- gonna need actual, like…

Theo: Yeah, no, I got a brace. I got a brace. Just a sec.

Elle: Now he’s just not gonna be dead.

Theo: Hey, hey buddy.

[Steven coughs.]

I bet you’re in a lot o’ pain. I’m gonna give you something for that.

Steven: Wh-where’re all my teeth?

Theo: Just try- try not to move.

Steven: Where are my teeth?

Theo: It’s okay.

Steven: But where are my peef?

Masha: [tearful] I’ll gather them for you.

Lily: Masha, Masha. Your hands are too big.

Masha: [tearful] Okay, I’ll just go in a corner and be frickin’ useless.

[Heavy stomps as she walks away crying.]

Theo: Here, can you stick ’im with this?

Elle: Yeah.

[A plink and a thud as Elle jabs Steven with a syringe. Steven groans.]

Steven: Ouch! I still don’t habe peeth.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Eric: Yeah, there’s no shot for that, buddy.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Theo: And three, two, one.

[Steven sighs in relief.]

Steven: Hey, did you kick on me in da face?

Short Circuit: Um…

[Beat.]

Yup.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Steven: [tearful] Why?

[Tanner stifles laughter.]

Short Circuit: Look, kid. Hang out with the wrong crowd and like this trench coat guy that we also killed. I think—

Steven: Oh, dat’s—

Short Circuit: I’m just in here tryin’a cull the herd, you know?

Eric: Actually yeah, not to jump on this, but do you know who this guy was right here?

Steven: Oh… A bad guy.

[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]

Short Circuit: And how would you know that unless you’re in league with him!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Steven: What?

Sage: [stifles laughter] Uh, you look at Steven. He’s [chuckles] he’s dressed in religious robes. Very similar to a trench coat, right?

Eric: Do you have some kind of god powers? What’s- what’s the shtick? I don’t get it.

Steven: No, I’m a priest.

[Misadventure music.]

Masha: [cries] Oh my god, we almost killed a priest!

Siggy: You know, I forgot we had a priest.

Lily: Masha, it’s gonna okay.

Eric: We have a priest?

Short Circuit: Hey, uh—

Steven: I thought I’d come and jutht be a pothitive thpirit. My cousin got killed in New York—

Theo: O-okay, buddy. We’re gonna—

Eric: Bud—

Theo: We’re gonna get you up on this stretcher. Just…

[Stretcher clicks as the wheels lock in place.]

Steven: Okay.

Theo: Alright, here we go. One, two, three. [grunts]

Steven: [groans] Wait, really quick. You. You, you, you.

Eric: Yeah?

Steven: Did you thop ’im?

[Stifled laughter.]

Eric: Yeah, buddy.

Steven: You thopped ’im?

[Stifled laughter.]

Door Guy: Yes, Father.

Steven: Hey, hey.

Eric: Yeah?

Steven: You my hero.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Masha: [cries] Oh my god. This is so tragic.

Sage: [amused] They shuffle his gurney out of the planetarium.

Elle: Oh no.

Eric: You can try again later.

[Masha cries.]

You can try to heal him again later, it’s fine.

Lily: Masha, Masha, it’s okay. Shhh.

Siggy: Sh-should we- should we pray for him?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Eric: I think he’s good.

Lily: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that.

Roach: Hey, uh. [clears throat] Short Circuit.

Short Circuit: Yeah?

Roach: [hesitant] Maybe you should hang out downstairs. Go back, do your thing.

Short Circuit: Uh yeah. That’s- that’s fair, I guess. Yeah, totally.

Roach: Look we appreciate your service, you know, all I’m sayin’ is, you know, I just, uh…

Short Circuit: Yeah, I really messed some stuff up here.

Roach: Every time you come up here, everyone starts brawlin’ and we almost just killed a priest, so…

Short Circuit: Ye- no. It, uh, yeah. Uh-huh, I get it. I get wha- yeah. Uh…

Roach: Hey, hey, hey. Ed?

Short Circuit: Yup?

Roach: We’d be nothin’ without ya.

Short Circuit: Nah, thanks Roach.

Roach: Yeah, you got it.

Short Circuit: Take it easy.

Eric: Hey, uh, sorry I was a dick.

Short Circuit: Hey man. You kicked that guy’s ass.

Masha: [coos] Oh my god you guys are hugging. This is so cute!

Sage: [chuckles] Hugging hands.

Lily: Oh, wait, wait, wait! No! That’s not cool, man.

[Short Circuit and Masha gasp.]

Eric: What? This isn’t gonna tell me anything you can’t figure out by looking at ’im.

[Episode End music.]

Credits

[Episode End music throughout.]

Mayanna Berrin: 20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Jessica Dahlgren, and Travis Reaves

Masha Mirova was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Eric Stanton was played by Travis Reaves

Lily Kline was played by Emily Ervolina

Ed Helms, aka Short Circuit, was played by special guest Tanner Risner

Guest Spotlight

Sage: Yay!

[Everyone cheers.]

Emily: That was punk rock!

Sage: Now we know Eric can spy on Short Circuit whenever he wants.

Tanner: Dammit.

Jessica: Oh, sorry!

Travis: Ahh! [clicks tongue]

Jessica: That was my fault!

Sage: Tanner, thank you so much for doing this.

Tanner: Yeah! This was great! Thank you guys for having me.

Sage: Yeah!

Tanner: It was awesome.

Sage: Where can the people find you?

Tanner: You can find me in one place. It’s on Instagram @thetannerrisner

Sage: Amazing, I’ll put the link in the episode description.

Travis: Any big tips for other van-lifers out there?

Tanner: Top tips. Keep bottle on hand. Unless you have a compass and toilet, but those things are expensive. Um. Keep bottle on hand.

Sage: [chuckles] Nice.

Jessica: And for those of you really confused why we’re talking about van life.

Sage: Check out that Patreon episode.

Travis: Oh shit, that’s right.

[Laughter.]

After-Credits Scene

[A knock on a door.]

Masha: Um, Lily?

Lily: [muffled] Come in.

[Door creaks open.]

Masha: Hey. Um, I just wanted to check in and, um, I’m sorry that I—

[Gentle music.]

Lily: I’m sorry too. [sighs] Let’s agree not to fight at 4:30 in the morning. [nervous laugh]

Masha: Yeah, that’s probably [chuckles] a smart move.

Lily: I’m- I- I don’t mean to take things out on you, it’s just… I mean, it’s kinda either you or Eric.

Masha: [nervous laugh] Right. Um…

Lily: And he’s an easy target. [chuckles]

Masha: Yes, he is a very easy target.

Lily: I know you get it. I mean… I- I’m also lonely and I don’t know what to do about it. And looking for Rose makes… I don’t know. It- it’s something.

Masha: I just want you to know I’m not trying to be a helicopter mom…

Lily: Yeah.

Masha: I’m just scared, and we’re broke and ever since Catalina with my mind power being gone, I…feel like I’m losing a sense of who I am.

Lily: Yeah, I mean. You should talk to Theo about it, ’cause, I don’t know. It’s just- it’s all so weird. Like, you losing your power, me, I guess, gaining a power. Like, it’s…

Masha: Do you think it’s, like, related?

[Beat.]

Lily: I don’t know.

Masha: Oh. Well, um… Thanks for talking with me. You can get back to playing the guitar.

[Lily scoffs in amusement.]

Lily: Yeah. It’s great. You’re prob’ly the only person who’s ever gonna hear it. [chuckles]

Masha: Well you’re get- you’re- it’s getting really good.

[Lily scoffs in amusement.]

Lily: Alright, well…

Masha: Okay. Anyway. I’ll- I’ll go, um, I have to get ready for my shift. So I’ll see you in a- in a bit.

Lily: Okay.

Masha: Okay.

[Door clicks shut. Lily gently plays a riff on her electric guitar (Sisters Motif).]

Credits

Mayanna Berrin: Additional Voices by David Michmerhuizen, Chad Ellis, Kaitlyn Cornell, and M. Colton Brodeur.

Music, Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Character Artwork by Rhea Lonsdale

Episode Artwork by Josh Wolf

Special thanks to Greg Reasoner, Matt Johnston and all our Patreon Supporters

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.com/music

Follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook @20SidedStories

Or visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Guitar playing ends.]

Teaser Announcement

Sage: And now for a special announcement.

[Upbeat music.]

Narrator: Are you ready? ’Cause it’s time! We are so excited to present to you the newest series from 20 Sided Stories. Thomas the Tank Engine!

[Train whistle blows.]

In this improvised railroad RPG, you’ll meet three new beloved trains. Starring Emily Ervolina.

Harriet: It’s me, Harriet the tank engine!

Narrator: Jessica Dalghren.

Olivia: Good morrow! My name is Olivia!

Narrator: And Travis Reaves.

Nathan: I’m Nathan Train of the circus domain! I’m a struggling actor.

Narrator: Together they’ll embark on a locomotive fiasco and do cool train things!

Harriet: Oh, how wonderful to be a steam-powered locomotive on such a beautiful spring day!

Olivia: I am here to bring you bread today. Yum, yum, yum!

Nathan: What d’you mean they’re switchin’ to renewable energy?

Narrator: A fun podcast comedy to brighten your day! With wonderfully clever cast performances.

Olivia: Oh no! My tracks are all rusted!

Nathan: I’ve been pickin’ up acting tips from the sword swallowers and the hobos that have been jumpin’ on the rail car. I use the tigers as scene partners.

Harriet: My engine is revving in delight!

Emily: Is that too sexual?

Narrator: Original characters, parody, satire, fan-fiction, and completely unmarketable artsy nonsense! All the things that make a 20 Sided Story what it is.

Harriet: What a cheeky engine that Percy is.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Olivia: Get that fire exit door. I’m off.

Taunting Train: Nathan, you’re dumb. Trains can’t be actors.

Nathan: You sound like my father! You just wait. Once I’m done carting around this entire circus, I’m gonna choo my way straight to Hollywood and be a big-time star!

Narrator: And this time, appropriate for all ages!

Nathan: Fuckin’ asshole!

Narrator: Oh! Whoopsie!

Olivia: Thomas, would you like to come by my tunnel for some tea and biscuits?

Harriet: Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo, choo!

Narrator: Premiering probably eventually sometime vaguely in the future with completely unrealistic deadlines, but amazingly immersive steam-train sound design!

[Train whistle blows.]

Nathan: Thomas gets all the attention, but nobody knows what a self-absorbed prick he used to be! It’s all an act!

Harriet: Oh no! It looks like the tracks end here. Where ever will I go?

Olivia: I’m absolutely gutted!

Narrator: Thomas the Tank Engine. A railroad RPG. Look for it out on Luminary.

Nathan: Viva la revolucion!

[Train squeals to a stop.]

Sage: Yeah. April fools.