20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 1 - A New Start

Air Date: August 1, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.: This podcast and series has absolutely no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use, and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

If you’re the kind of person who thinks of Pokémon and goes, “[groans] Oh man, it’s been a while.” or maybe you just aren’t familiar with Pokémon at all, we actually have an introductory episode that’s right before this one, and it goes over the very basics of Pokémon lore and kinda how we do this podcast and the roleplaying specifically on this series, but it is completely optional so you do you. With all that out of the way, please enjoy POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren: Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Episode 1 - A New Start

[Pallet Town Theme plays on piano. Relaxing, happy music throughout.]

Narrator: A warm sunrise shines over the horizon of Pallet Town. It’s a beautiful Saturday morning full of lively and peaceful villagers ready to relax and enjoy their near-utopian life in the Pokémon world. Among its many homes we see one larger than all the rest. Regal, very nice, and recently renovated just because. A light breeze drifts through the red, velvety curtains of the second story window, and we see an eager and focused girl—Candace Carter, Ace Trainer class, age 13—enjoying the most recent Pokémon tournament broadcast live on her television as part of her Saturday morning routine.

[Cheers and Pokémon battle sounds from television.]

Candace: Oh. Get him. Yeah. Yeah. Just...get that...yeah. Pickachu! You got it, you got it! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Oh! Oh my gosh, that Squirtle is just gonna be electrocuted [chuckles] like crazy! Wow, I love it! Pokémon! Yeah!

[A knock is heard from the door.]

Oh. Oh man. Uh [chuckles] I gotta turn off the TV.

Mrs. Carter: [muffled] Darling?

Candace: Hold on one second Mummy [chuckles].

[The television clicks as it switches channels. Soothing commercial music plays.]

Come in!

[The doorknob clicks open and Mrs. Carter walks across the carpet.]

Mrs. Carter: Hello, darling. How are you?

Candace: I’m good, Mummy.

Mrs. Carter: Why isn’t your bed made?

Candace: Um, I forgot. I’m really sorry. I woke up late, so I was in a rush.

Mrs. Carter: Oh, of course darling. Why is the TV on?

Candace: Uh, I was watching some- uh, the news.

Mrs. Carter: Well, it’s on commercial now, darling.

Candace: Yeah, uh, I’m just gonna turn it off to save electricity because I’m not watching it now.

[The television clicks off and Candace throws the remote.]

Mrs. Carter: Well, keep it on, keep it off, darling, we’re rich so [chuckles] it really doesn’t matter.

Candace: I like to be conscious of, uh, uh, how much energy we use, Mother. You know than an average household in this town uses way more energy than it actually needs.

Mrs. Carter: [tsks happily] Oh. That’s why you’re my [singsongs] favorite daughter.

Candace: Thanks, Mum.

Mrs. Carter: Darling?

[Suspenseful music.]

Candace: Uh. [hesitant] Yes, mother?

[Paper rustles.]

Mrs. Carter: Um, I received a message and it’s a little…disturbing for me. As you know, I don’t like…Pokémon…or approve of it but, um, well, Professor Oak, he, um, [takes deep breath] wants you to, um, do…Pokémon for whatever filthy reason I can’t imagine [chuckles].

Candace: [gasps] Wait. He does?

Mrs. Carter: I…guess. That’s what the letter says and I don’t know why he would think I would allow such a thing—

[Paper rips.]

Candace: Because it’s everything I’ve ever wanted to do!

Mrs. Carter: Um. What?

Candace: I- I, uh, I wanted—

Mrs. Carter: Don’t!

Candace: Mum, I want to be a Pokémon master!

Mrs. Carter: No!

[Pallet Town theme returns.]

Candace: And a Pokémon trainer.

Mrs. Carter: No!

Candace: Like Aunt Clair!

Mrs. Carter: Oh, god no! Not that filthy Aunt Clair! Oh, god, darling, you know how I despise her. I had to marry into her family and now I have to deal with her and her- her dirty lifestyle. Oh!

Candace: It’s Bohemian!

Mrs. Carter: No, it’s not! Don’t talk about that hippie filth, darling. I wanted you to be a pristine lawyer, like- oh, like me! Look at me, darling. Look at our luxurious house.

Candace: Mum, you have a lot of problems.

Mrs. Carter: Wha- what?

Candace: Maybe that’s, uh, that’s for another time.

Mrs. Carter: [distressed] What do you mean?

Candace: I don’t wanna be like you.

Mrs. Carter: [yells] What?

Candace: I’m really sorry.

Mrs. Carter: [loud, distressed] What’s wrong with me?

Candace: I don’t wanna be a lawyer!

Mrs. Carter: Oh, god! Oh, god, oh! [sobs] Oh no. [gasps tearfully]

Candace: Do you need the wine?

Mrs. Carter: Yes, I need the wine!

Candace: Okay.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Relaxing music continues. Teamwork Motif plays.]

Narrator: Traveling to the riverside of Pallet Town we see Youngster Skip Svitak, age 13, hanging out with his favorite companion, Dratini, that he luckily caught all by himself. Kicking their feet, and tail, in the water there is a serene view of the oceanic Route 21 just ahead of them, glistening, vast, and inspiring.

Skip: Dratini?

Dratini: [lip and vocal trills] Brrbrbrr?

Skip: I’m thinkin’ about...I’m thinkin’ about goin’ on an adventure.

Dratini: BRRRrrrrr!

Skip: Yeah, I know, but a lot of my friends are doing it too and, to be honest, I don’t think the professional skateboarding gig is gonna work.

Dratini: Brrd brrbrr Rrr.

Skip: [chuckle] You’re always such a flatterer but really, though, I’ve got a couple of good friends who are gonna go do it and I- I wanna go- I wanna go run away with them!

Dratini: [low-pitched trills] Brrrr rrrr.

Skip: Yeah, I know Candace is weird but if she—

Dratini: [low trills] Br Rrr rrrr Brrr Brrr!

Skip: I agree, you know, and I would never try to approach her talkin’ about that stuff, yeah. Parents and all.

Dratini: Brrr brrrrd.

Skip: But if she can get out of her house, then I think she would be a fun person to have on the trip.

Dratini: Brr brrrr rrr?

Skip: Klara? Well, I don’t know if she’s gonna be a Pokémon trainer or not. She’s so pretty.

Dratini: Brrr?

Skip: What? No, I don’t care about Candace. Talkin’ ’bout Klara. She’s so beautiful with her flowing hair and her great skills at…smiling.

Dratini: [low trills] Brrr rrrr rrrr.

Narrator: Skip is then approached by a man in a lab coat, looking fairly young and reasonable, perhaps early 30s, diligent, wearing some spectacles.

Oak’s Aide: ’Scuse me?

Skip: Hi!

Oak’s Aide: You Skip?

Skip: Yes!

Oak’s Aide: I believe you talked with Professor Oak recently. Uh, he would like to see you at the lab.

Skip: Really?

Oak’s Aide: Yeah.

Skip: Okay!

[Skip’s shoes scuff on the pavement as he stands up.]

Oak’s Aide: Follow—

Skip: Excuse me sir!

Oak’s Aide: Oh, uh, uh, I, uh, I mean you’re supposed to fo—

Skip: Move!

[Skip shoves him aside.]

Oak’s Aide: You’re supposed to follow- you’re supposed to follow me. You’re supposed to follow me. I—

[Skip skateboards down the sidewalk.]

Skip: You’re not moving fast enough!

Dratini: Brr d’brrrr!

Narrator: We cut on over to the broken down home—

Travis: ’Scuse me, it is a trailer. [chuckles]

Narrator: Broken down trailer in the not-so-pleasant corner of Pallet Town where Xander—Musician class, age 14—is joined by his pathetic-looking Mudkip. Xander and his mother can’t afford a television to watch, so he is just looking at a box.

[Silence.]

Xander: You ever just wonder what it’s all for?

[Beat.]

Mudkip: Mud!

[A beat passes while birds chirp outside.]

Xander: Yeah.

[Beat.]

Mudkip: Kips!

[Beat.]

Xander: What d’you wanna do today?

Mudkip: Kips!

[Beat.]

Xander: I wish I understood what you were saying.

Mudkip: Mudkips!

[Beat. Xander sighs. Mudkip coughs.]

[Travis and the group stifle laughter.]

[Beat. A knock on the front door is heard.]

Xander: [sighs] I wonder if that’s Mom back from the store.

[Clothes rustle as Xander stands. The door creaks open.]

Oak’s Aide: Hello? Are you, uh, Xander?

Xander: Uh, hi. Look my mom’s not home so if it’s like- We can’t pay this month.

Oak’s Aide: Oh, I’m not the landlord.

Xander: Oh.

Oak’s Aide: I’m one of Professor Oak’s Aides.

Xander: Oh. Professor Oak the- the Pokémon guy?

Oak’s Aide: Yeah.

Xander: Okay. Did you lose something?

Oak’s Aide: No. We actually, uh, have an offer for you.

Xander: Did my mom catfish you?

Oak’s Aide: Catfish?

Xander: What? Never mind. What?

Oak’s Aide: Professor Oak would like to see you at his laboratory.

[Hopeful Teamwork Motif plays on guitar.]

Xander: Me?

Oak’s Aide: Correct.

Xander: Why? I didn’t do anything.

Oak’s Aide: You’re not in trouble. He actually has an invitation for you. I know you may have heard that he’s gotten a bit older. Um, he has his pattern that he goes through every couple of months. Uh, just so happens to be you and two other young trainers are invited to uh—

Xander: I- I’ll go, but I’m no trainer. I just- I found this Mudkip in a ditch. It got hit by a car.

Oak’s Aide: You know, some of the best trainers I’ve heard? Discovered by accident.

Mudkip: Mud! [coughs] Kips.

Oak’s Aide: Oh. You have a Mudkips?

Xander: Yeah. His name’s Muddy Waters.

[Beat.]

[Birds chirp in the background.]

Narrator: Professor Oak’s laboratory. It has received some upgrades over the years, but unfortunately not quite enough of them. Still sponsored by the city, they seem to have the money to stay afloat and carry out small research tasks, but lack the ability and leadership to keep up with the rapidly expanding technology and economy of the Pokémon world.

There isn’t a lot of traffic going in and out of the laboratory, but approaching the front door, from three different directions, are our three young, soon-to-be trainers.

[Footsteps tap on pavement.]

As they draw close to the entrance, and each other, they realize…wait a minute!

Skip: You got out!

[Travel-inspiring music.]

Candace: What? Uh… Let’s not talk about that.

Skip: I knew you wanted to do Pokémon stuff. I just figured you were gonna be stuck in your house.

Candace: Oh. Right. Yeah. Uh, I’m out! I, like, got outta my house and y- I- I know. I convinced my mom. I- I kind of like- She’s havin’ a hard time with it, but—

Skip: [awed] You convinced Mrs. Carter?

Candace: [hesitant] Yeah, I did. I’m very persuasive.

Skip: [scoffs] Wow, that’s pretty impressive.

Candace: Thanks.

Skip: Hey, Xander.

Xander: Hey, how’s it goin’?

Skip: Wow, you in the daylight. This is pretty cool.

Xander: Yeah. Yeah it’s- yeah, it’s whatever.

Skip: You need some SPF somethin’ or other?

Xander: No, I’m fine.

Skip: Good. I didn’t have any.

Candace: Guys, I’m so excited!

Skip: Yeah, me too!

Xander: What’s this- Do you guys know what this is about?

Candace: Oh, I don’t know, but we got asked to see the Professor?

Skip: I’m pretty sure we’re going on an adventure!

Candace: He- he’s listing us! Yeah! Right? That’s what I think too! I can’t wait to get outta here!

Skip: We’re gonna be the next Red.

Candace: [whispers, awed] Oh my god.

[Birds chirp and traffic hums in the background.]

Xander: Guys—

Candace: I’m gonna be the next Red. We’re gonna be the next Red, right? [clears throat]

Xander: Guys, I don’t know. He’s- [scoffs] He’s kinda really old now, and just seems like this is sort of a- everybody else- well, yeah- everybody just kind of agrees to let him do this. It’s just always there’s kids that come up and then, you know, whatever happens—

Candace: Xander, what are you tryin’ to say?

Xander: I don’t know, alright?

Candace: Complete your sentences.

[Xander sighs.]

Skip: Out with it.

Xander: Never mind. It’s fine.

Candace: Have confidence. Stop being such a loser.

Xander: Okay.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Roll for confidence.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

Alright, that’s a net. That means we have to solve it through roleplay. [stifles laughter]

Xander: Sorry, I didn’t mean to- I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry—

Candace: Stop apologizing, you didn’t do anything wrong—

Xander: No, no, it’s fine, it’s fine. I’m sorry—

Candace: —you just gotta keep talking.

Xander: —I don’t- nah, it’s- I’m done. I’m done.

[Professor Oak theme plays. Exciting and upbeat.]

Sage: The door slides open. You know, ’cause everything’s automated in the world of Pokémon.

[Automated door slides open.]

Oak’s Aide: You can enter now, if you wanna follow us.

Candace: [squeals] Okay!

[Rapid footsteps as Candace and Skip race forward.]

Greg: Skip enters first.

Jessica: And I run and nudge him with excitement and I’m first.

Xander: [quiet] Jesus Christ.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Roll for swiftness. You two rolling off to see who gets there first.

[Success chime.]

Ooo.

[Laugher.]

Greg: We just grind.

[Laughter.]

Sage: It’s a tie!

[Jessica growls playfully.]

And Candace and Skip, both equally excited to start their adventure, literally come shoulder-to-shoulder, neck-and-neck, pushing each other side-to-side, as if their noses are connected for some reason and it shouldn’t be physically possible, but they fight over it—

Greg: Like half our face? [chuckles]

Sage: Yup. [chuckles]

—and they arrive right at the last room in the laboratory where an old man in a white coat is facing the wall.

Skip: [awed] Professor Oak.

Candace: [awed] Is that you?

Professor Oak: [gremlin screech] Yes!

Skip: Oh, sh—

Candace: Oh... Hi! My name is Candace Carter.

Skip: Hi, I’m Skip S-S-Svitak.

Professor Oak: AH! [senile yelling] Welcome! To the wonderful world of Pokémon!

[Slow footsteps.]

Candace: Xander, get in here!

Xander: Ah, Jesus Christ.

Skip: That’s Xander Dream Police Whitten—

Professor Oak: [senile yelling] There are many secrets to be found in the world of Pokémon!

[Beat.]

Candace: Um…

Skip: Does it matter what my name is?

Professor Oak: What’s your name?

Skip: Skip…

Professor Oak: Skip.

Skip: …Svitak

Professor Oak: Skip. Kip...Mudkip.

Mudkip: Mud. Kip! [coughs]

Professor Oak: [shouts] What is that?

Xander: Th-This is- this is Muddy Wat- this is a Mudkip.

Professor Oak: That’s not from Kanto.

Xander: I- I- I don’t know. I found him.

Professor Oak: Where did you find a Mudkip?

Xander: Uh, he was in a- he was thrown out in the ditch by my trailer park. He got hit by a car.

Professor Oak: [fast] That isn’t one of the 151 Pokémon that I ever discovered.

Xander: Uh, well, here you go man. [nervous chuckle] Check it out.

Mudkip: Mud!

Professor Oak: Interesting.

Mudkip: [coughs] Kip.

Xander: Yup.

Candace: [fast] Wait. I have a Vulpix. Do you wanna see? Her name’s Pixie. Vulpix, go!

[A swish is heard as Candace tosses a Poké Ball. A chiming whoosh as Vulpix exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Isn’t she sweet?

[Pixie the Vulpix cries out happily.]

Professor Oak: Yeah, yeah, whatever. But this Mudkips. Where did you find it?

[Beat.]

Xander: I-in the ditch behind my trailer park.

Professor Oak: But this Mudkips. Where did you find it?

Xander: [yells] In the ditch behind my trailer park!

Candace: You’re doing a really good job at completing your sentences and speaking with confidence. Good job, Xander.

Xander: [quiet] Oh, okay.

[Sad, nostalgic music.]

Professor Oak: I’ve had a dream my whole life. That I could explore and be a Pokémon trainer, but alas I have grown old and I can no longer do this.

Skip: That’s not how that speech goes.

Professor Oak: So I would call upon- Red! Where are you?

Candace: Uh. R-Red’s not here.

Professor Oak: Where is Red?

Candace: He was, you know, doing cool Pokemon trainer stuff and, you know, fighting the Elite Four. You know, all that Pokemon stuff. I’m sorry, uh…

[Candace clears her throat and pronounces it correctly.]

Pokémon. Guys?

Professor Oak: Red already beat the Elite Four?

Candace: Yes.

Skip: Candace would know. She’s kinda the class know-it-all.

Candace: Thanks. I know everything. [chuckles]

Professor Oak: [senile yelling] Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon!

Candace and Xander: Guys…

[Xander chuckles nervously.]

Candace: What were you gonna say?

Xander: Oh, no, you go ahead.

Skip: I’ll do it! I think he’s a robot.

[Suspenseful piano music.]

Xander: No, I think he’s- I—

Candace: I think he has—

Xander: I think he has Alzheimer’s.

Skip: Reveal yourself, robot!

Xander: [quiet] Oh shit.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Professor Oak: You mean Porygon?

Candace: D’you say what?

Professor Oak: A Porygon. It’s a- ra- first man-made Pokémon.

Candace: Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Professor Oak: What number is he then?

[Sage snickers.]

Candace: Um, you know—

Professor Oak: You’re right, I do know. So where’d you get that Mudkips?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Mudkip: Mud!

Xander: Uh, hey.

Candace: [yells] He said that he had found it at his trailer park!

Xander: Okay, you don’t need to- you don’t need to- yup. You don’t—

Candace: [yells] He lives in a trailer park with his single mother!

Xander: You don’t need to—

Candace: [yells slowly] The Mudkip was hit by a car—

Xander: I… [sighs] Thank you.

Candace: It was hurt.

Xander: [quiet] Thank you.

Candace: But he made it feel better because Xander has good qualities in care-taking—

Xander: [sighs] Okay.

Candace: —because he has to look after his mother!

Xander: Okay guys I’m gonna go, um… Okay, Mudkip, let’s go. Time to go.

Candace: No, Xander, why are you leaving?

Xander: Let’s go. [whispers] ’Cause I don’t wanna hang out with this senile dude and—

Candace: [whispers] But it’s Professor Oak

Xander: [whispers] I don’t give a shit!

Skip: [whispers] He’s also a—

Professor Oak: I have a gift for you!

Skip: [whispers] Okay.

[Lab theme plays, upbeat and fast. Items rustle.]

Sage: And Professor Oak pulls out three red, shiny Pokédexes…es.

Candace: [gasps] It’s a Pokédex.

Skip: Oh my goodness me.

Xander: ’Kay.

Skip: It’s a Pokédex.

Candace: I already said that!

Xander: What’s that?

Skip: Whatever.

Professor Oak: Oh, wait, hold on.

Sage: And then he pulls out a fourth one.

[Items rustle. A swish is heard as the Pokédex is pulled out.]

Candace: Whoa. Wait.

Skip: Which one do we shoot?

Candace: Do I get two?

Sage: The door opens at the end of the laboratory and some Little Shit comes running in.

[Rival theme music plays on surf guitars.]

You can tell, you all hate this kid.

Xander: God.

Candace: Who is this little shit?

Xander: Oh no.

Skip: Oh. That’s Candace’s boyfriend.

[Travis chuckles.]

Jessica: O-oh!

Skip: Oh, I mean- not Candace. Oh, Klara’s. That’s Klara’s boyfriend.

[Greg and Jessica chuckle.]

[Rapid footsteps tap as a Boy runs up.]

Candace: Yeah! I don’t have a boyfriend.

Skip: Yeah. We all know you don’t have a boyfriend.

Candace: Screw you!

Boy: Oh wait, what’s up nerds?

Xander: [mumbles] You guys are writing with pen.

Boy: What?

Xander: Huh?

Boy: Did you three get invited to Oak’s laboratory also?

Candace: Yeah! What’s it to you?

Xander: No.

Skip: Yeah, we’re just as good as you!

Boy: What are you talking about? You guys suck. I have a Tangela.

Xander: Okay.

Candace: I have a Vulpix!

Skip: Why don’t you “Tangela” this?

[Dratini trills.]

Boy: That’s- that’s fake.

Candace: That’s a real Pokémon.

Skip: Is this fake? Dratini, Wrap!

[Dratini trills.]

Boy: Ah, shit.

Professor Oak: Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on!

Candace: Oh.

Professor Oak: Children! I have brought you here today to send you on an adventure.

Xander: [“Nope”] Mm-mm.

Professor Oak: You guys are going to catch them all!

Xander: [“Nope”] Mm-mm.

Candace: Oh, we have to do that with the Little Shit?

Professor Oak: Little Shit. Is that his name?

Candace: Yeah.

Professor Oak: I don’t really remember.

Candace: That’s his name.

Zach: His name is Zach!

Professor Oak: Little Shit Zach?

Skip: Yeah!

Little Shit Zach: That’s not my name! What the hell? This is my great-grandfather! Ugh. He always forgets everything.

Xander: Yeah, it’s ’cause he has Alzheimer’s.

Skip: Oh, what’s your actual name, then?

Little Shit Zach: Whoa, you actually care what my real name is?

Skip: Well, I- I thought you were Zach.

Little Shit Zach: I mean it’s [enunciates] Zachary.

Candace: Wow.

[Beat.]

Professor Oak: So what was his name? I don’t remember still. I’m very confused.

Candace: He’s your great grandson, Zachary.

Professor Oak: [distressed] I don’t remember what his name is.

Candace: I’m so sorry Professor Oak. Are you okay?

Skip: Yeah, can we help you?

[Footsteps tap as Xander walks away.]

Xander: [whispers] What are we doing?

[Skip, Candace, and Professor Oak continue in the background.]

Oak’s Aide: Look, just go along with it, alright? Oak has a pattern. He likes to do this, okay?

Xander: [whispers] Can I go?

Oak’s Aide: He’s gonna give you a Pokédex, you’re gonna go on an adventure—

Xander: [whispers] Can I go home? When can we—

Oak’s Aide: —and try to catch ’em all if you can.

Xander: [whispers] Wh-what? I don’t wanna- this- this sounds like a huge commitment. I just wanna- Can I go home?

Oak’s Aide: What else you got—

Candace: Can I have my Pokédex?

Professor Oak: Here ya go!

Candace: Thanks!

Sage: And he hands out all the Pokédex—

Skip: Thank you!

Sage: —but Zach is not happy about it.

Little Shit Zach: So you guys think you’re gonna be a better Pokémon trainer than me?

Candace: Yeah. Duh.

Skip: Yeah, man.

Candace: Do you not know who I am?

Little Shit Zach: No.

Candace: I’m Candace frickin’ Carter!

Little Shit Zach: Do you go to, like, the private school?

Candace: Uh, yeah.

Little Shit Zach: Yeah, that’s why I don’t know you.

Candace: What? Do you go to, like, the public school?

Little Shit Zach: Yeah, I go to the same school that my cool-ass uncle, Blue, went to alright?

Candace: Uck. Red is so much better.

Little Shit Zach: Well, are you related to Red?

Candace: [yells] Maybe!

Little Shit Zach: [yells] Wrong!

Candace: [yells] What, are you?

Little Shit Zach: [yells] No. But I’m related to Blue and he’s just as cool!

Candace: [yells] What, you don’t know that! I could be related to Red. I’m part of the Carter family. We’re related to really cool people. Do you know my Aunt Clair?

Little Shit Zach: [yells] Yeah? Like- like who? Like who?

Candace: [yells] My Aunt Clair!

Little Shit Zach: [yells] You know what?

Candace: [yells] Have you heard of her?

Little Shit Zach: You know what? What were you sayin’ earlier?

Skip: Hey, are you and Klara still a thing?

[Beat.]

Candace: That’s my aunt.

Little Shit Zach: I mean, like, yeah, but like—

Skip: Wait. Your…aunt?

Candace: I have an aunt, Clair. Wait. Who- what Clair are we talking about?

Skip: [enunciates] Klara.

Candace: Oh. Sorry. No. I have an aunt, Clair.

Skip: Oh. Okay. No. I meant Klara.

Little Shit Zach: Yeah, it’s a Kla- it was [enunciates] Klara.

Skip: You guys are still a thing?

Little Shit Zach: Well, I haven’t talked to her ’bout it yet because I was about to leave on an adventure.

Skip: Okay, so you guys might be breaking up soon?

Little Shit Zach: Nah, no. Well, I mean, I don’t know, man.

Candace: Oh my god, boys. Can you not?

Little Shit Zach: Can you just- like what d’you- what d’you even mean? What d’you even mean?

Skip: Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.

Little Shit Zach: You know what?

Skip: Hey, cool Pokédex.

Little Shit Zach: Yeah? What about cool Pokémon? Tangela, go!

Skip: Dratini, go!

[The Pokemon exit their Poké Balls with a whoosh. Tangela and Dratini cry out. Trainer Battle music starts.]

Sage: And so a battle breaks out in the middle of the Pokémon laboratory!

Professor Oak: Oh, every time. All these little whippersnappers wanna battle. Oh, I’m so excited! Wait a minute. Are you three a team?

Skip: Would a team do this?

[Running footsteps.]

Cartwheel!

[A swish and a thud as Skip moves and sticks the landing.]

[quiet] Come on.

Candace: Um…somersault!

[A swish and thud are heard as she somersaults. Candace pants.]

Skip: [quiet] Xander, do something and then join the tableau.

[Xander claps but stays put. Music stops. Clapping slows to a halt.]

[Beat.]

Little Shit Zach: Tangela, use Bind!

[Music returns. Tangela cries out and squeezes.]

Sage: The Tangela uses Bind against Dratini who also fights back with Wrap.

Skip: Keep on Wrappin’!

Candace: Get ’im! Get ’im!

Skip: I’ll lay down a beat for you!

Little Shit Zach: You can’t over Wrap my Bind, ’cause I’m gonna just keep using it.

[Both Pokémon cry out.]

Travis: This is just a Tangela Wrapping Dratini, who is also Wrapping it? This is just a plate of spaghetti.

Sage: Correct!

Candace: Can I get my Vulpix in on this action?

Little Shit Zach: No! Because I trapped his Dratini with my Bind, that means you cannot switch out at this time, unless you make my Tangela faint, which you won’t.

Skip: Good, I didn’t wanna switch out! I wanted to kick its butt.

Candace: Hey Tangela, you stink!

Little Shit Zach: Hey Tangela, use Absorb on that stupid Dratini worm thing.

[An echoing whoosh.]

Skip: Dratini, THUNDER WAAAVE!

Candace: Yeah!

[Thunder Wave zaps.]

Candace: Oh my gosh.

Narrator: Dratini is not looking very good. Halfway through its health.

[Dratini trills.]

Skip: Dratini, what the heck?

Little Shit Zach: Ha! See, my Tangela’s really good. Even though you have a really nice Pokémon that’s probably gonna eventually level up to be way stronger than Tangela, because Tangela only evolves if I’m in, like, Sinnoh or something.

Uh, uh, doesn’t matter, ’cause I’m gonna beat you right now ’cause I have better moves. Watch! Tangela, use Absorb one more time!

[Echoing whoosh.]

Skip: Dratini, THUNDER WAAAVE!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Little Shit Zach: Ha! You’re such an idiot Skip! You’re such a loser! You’re so dumb! I bet you’ve never even had a Pokémon battle, you idiot! Look at this!

Xander: Jesus Christ.

Little Shit Zach: You can’t over paralyze a Paralyze. You already Paralyzed Tangela!

Skip: Oh, I didn’t know that’s what it did.

Little Shit Zach: Yeah, because he’s hella good at playin’ it cool. Ain’t that right, Tangela?

[Tangela moans in distress.]

Oh, god. Okay, he’s not doin’ so great.

[Dratini and Tangela both moan in distress.]

Tangela, just use Bind again!

[Vines swish forward and grab Dratini.]

Skip: No! Dratini, Wrap!

[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard as its body constricts.]

Sage: Dratini Wraps the Tangela, who’s also Paralyzed and cannot attack.

Little Shit Zach: What the hell, Tangela? Do somethin’ better!

[A thud is heard as Tangela releases Dratini. Tangela cries out.]

Oh, dang it, his Bind is gone. That means… Oh, that means you can switch out and Dratini might be all better, and someone else can pick up the fight who’s stronger against my Grass-type Pokémon, like a Fire-type Pokémon, but they don’t have a Fire-type Pokémon—

Candace: [yells] I have a Vulpix!

[Candace runs forward.]

Skip: Dratini, get back here!

Candace: Vulpix, go!

Little Shit Zach: Son of a bitch!

[Vulpix exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Candace: Vulpix, Ember!

Little Shit Zach: Uh, no! Uh, Tangela, just use Bind or somethin’.

[Vulpix coughs and flames rush forward. Tangela screams.]

Oh no! Ember was super effective! You—

Candace: Take that, loser!

Little Shit Zach: No! He’s still in it! He’s not out, he’s not out, he’s in it, alright? Uh, Tangela, use, uh, the other move. I don’t remember which one it was.

Candace: Vulpix, Tail Whip.

Little Shit Zach: Hey, that’s gonna lower my defenses!

[Chimes are heard as Tangela uses Growth.]

Good thing I just raised my attack and my special attack.

Candace: Ugh. Vulpix, uh, Ember again!

Little Shit Zach: [frantic] Tangela, use, da- uh, Absorb! Get some of that health!

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh. Tangela screams.]

Candace: Take ’im down, take ’im down, Vulpix.

Little Shit Zach: No!

Candace: Yes!

Little Shit Zach: Tangela, no!

[Tangela faints and falls to the ground.]

Candace: In your face! Vulpix, you’re the best.

[Vulpix cries out happily.]

[Victory theme plays!]

[Tangela returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Little Shit Zach: It’s not- it’s not fair. You guys can’t fight as a team.

Candace: Um, your great-grandfather said so, so…sucks for you. [chuckles]

Skip: Also watch this pose!

[Running footsteps.]

Candace: Somersault!

Skip: Cartwheel!

Candace: Pose!

[Rustles and thuds are heard as they land.]

Little Shit Zach: Pretty sure your third guy’s been sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor this whole time.

Candace: [Jessica chuckles] Xander!

Little Shit Zach: Heh. So much for your team.

[Skip sighs.]

Candace: He tries.

Skip: This is…

Xander: Okay.

Skip: This is our test.

Xander: Look, if we’re gonna keep- If you guys want me to do this kinda stuff, you need to tell me in advance what’s gonna happen. I—

Candace: Improvise, man!

Xander: I ca- I- [sighs]

Skip: We’ve got a long road ahead of us, guys.

Candace: Oh, gosh, I’m sweating.

Little Shit Zach: Oh yeah? Well, I’m gonna go find my Uncle Blue, and- and- and he’s gonna show me to be a real Pokémon trainer. You know he was the Gym Leader at Viridian City?

Candace: Ugh. Whatever.

Little Shit Zach: As a matter of fact, I think he’s there right now.

[Rival exit music. Footsteps fade as Zach runs off.]

Skip: Bye, Zach.

Little Shit Zach: Fuck you, nerds!

[Automated door slides open.]

Candace: [yells out] Klara is, like, not even that great, so…

Skip: Whoa. Whoa. Easy. [nervous chuckle]

Candace: I was attacking- I’m personally attacking him.

Skip: No, attack him.

Professor Oak: [senile yelling] Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon!

Xander: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Skip: Come outside, guys. Come outside, come outside.

[Everyone chuckles.]

[Upbeat, hopeful music starts. 8-Bit synths echo. Automated door slides open.]

Sage: And you leave Professor Oak’s laboratory. The sun is shining, it is a bright, very exciting day, and the three of you look at each other and realize, “Hey. We could do this.”

Skip: Hey.

Candace: We could do this.

Skip: You totally read my mind.

Candace: We’re like a team.

Skip: Yeah!

Candace: Oh my god.

Skip: We are so in sync. Xander, [irked] come outside.

[Reluctant footsteps. Door slides shut.]

Candace: Xander. You gotta, like, cooperate with us. Like, you’re lucky that we’re letting you on our team. You know, you’re worth so much more than this.

Xander: Guys, I don’t- I don’t know what- what led you to believe that I wanted to go on, like a j- Like, look I- I don’t wanna do this. Are you kidding me? I don’t want—

Candace: What?

Xander: I don’t- what?

Candace: How could you not wanna do this?

Sage: And then, Xander’s white trash, very obnoxious mother comes running down the street looking for her poor Xander.

[Awkward music. Birds chirp.]

Mrs. Whitten: Xander! Xander! Oh ma god, where’s my baby been? Xander, get over here! Xander!

Xander: Okay. Hi, Mom.

Mrs. Whitten: Hi, baby!

Xander: Hi, how ya doin’?

Mrs. Whitten: I’m doin’ good, baby! I been so worried ’bout you, okay?

Xander: It’s fine, I’m just- I been here.

Mrs. Whitten: Oh my god, where’s- where’s “here”?

Xander: Uh.

Skip: This is the Pokémon Center.

Xander: Hi.

Candace: Hello, Mrs. Whitten.

Skip: Hi, Mrs. Whitten.

Mrs. Whitten: [gasps] Hi, darlin’.

Xander: That’s not—

Candace: I’m Candace Carter.

Mrs. Whitten: Oh goodness. Candace Carter. Yer that rich girl!

Candace: Yeah!

Mrs. Whitten: Oh my god. Who are you?

Skip: Hi. I’m Skip Svitak.

Mrs. Whitten: Don’t know it. [wheezy chuckle]

Skip: Oh. I have a Dratini?

Mrs. Whitten: Oh, wow, good for youuu.

Skip: I’m the best skateboarder in town?

Mrs. Whitten: No, don’t know it.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander: So, Mom, what’cha doin’ out here?

Mrs. Whitten: I been lookin’ for ya, baby! I came home and all sudden you were gone and I was like, “Where’s my baby at?”

Xander: I was- uh, well, I’m here.

Mrs. Whitten: Alright, well, we’re goin’ home right now, okay? I need you to take care of all the stuff at home and I can’t do it by myself, can’t do it.

Candace: Well—

Xander: I know.

Candace: You see, the thing is is, uh, Professor Oak he actually enlisted us to be, uh, Pokémon master team, you know, thing. And—

Mrs. Whitten: Oh. But- oh. Oh my god.

Candace: Even though he’s- Are you excited?

Mrs. Whitten: I’m excited.

Candace: Yeah?

Mrs. Whitten: Yes. Oh my god. Professor Oak?

[Music intensifies, We Can Do This motif starts.]

Xander: Shhh.

Mrs. Whitten: He’s- baby, you can be famous!

Candace: Yes!

Mrs. Whitten: Baby!

Xander: Ahhh, I don’t wanna—

Candace: We’re going to [singsongs] be famous!

Xander: I don’t—

Mrs. Whitten: Oh my god, baby! Oh, baby’s goin’ ta be famous! Baby!

Skip: We’re going to bring so much revenue to this town.

Xander: [quiet groan] I don’t—

Candace: Yeah.

Mrs. Whitten: I don’t even care about that. Baby, you need to go on this mission. I trust these little kids, alright? I trust you with these little kids and these little Pokeymons, okay? I trust you.

Xander: M-mom can I—

[Xander and his mother talk over each other.]

Mrs. Whitten: You make me proud, baby.

Xander: Mom can I talk—

Mrs. Whitten: Make me proud!

Xander: Mom can I talk—

Mrs. Whitten: Make my moment, baby.

Candace: Make her proud!

Xander: [distressed] Mom!

Mrs. Whitten: This is my chance, baby.

Xander: Mom, can I talk to you for a sec?

Mrs. Whitten: Okay.

Xander: [nervous] Okay. Guys, can we get a second?

[Candace and Skip walk away. Pallet town theme plays quietly on piano.]

Candace: [irked] Whatever, fine.

Xander: [muffled] Mom, I don’t wanna go on a journey. It’s- I don’t wanna live outside.

Mrs. Whitten: Baby, baby, baby. I literally pushed you outta me, okay?

Xander: You bring this up every time.

Mrs. Whitten: Baby, I pushed you outta me—

Xander: Every time you want me to do something you guilt trip me with this.

Mrs. Whitten: —it was ten hours. TEN HOURS of labor, baby.

Xander: I know.

Mrs. Whitten: Do this one thing for Momma, okay? I need this. I need to be famous. I need us to be famous, okay? So when you see your father, if you go through that goddamn town that he’s in, I want you to show him that we are better off without that sombitch, okay? I cannot.

Xander: Oh, that’s not—

Mrs. Whitten: I cannot, baby!

Xander: Ugh.

Mrs. Whitten: I want us to be famous. Do this for Mommy. Show off to Daddy. Alright?

Xander: God, that’s emotionally unhealthy.

Mrs. Whitten: Okay, baby.

Xander: Um, okay, uh—

Mrs. Whitten: I love you. [rapid kisses]

Xander: Uh—

[A thud as Mrs. Whitten shoves Xander away.]

[Hopeful-anticipation music returns.]

Sage: And she pushes them off on their way.

Candace: See, Xander? I told you this was gonna be amazing.

Xander: [mumbles] I fuckin’ hate this.

Candace: You’re destined for greatness. Appreciate it.

Sage: They walk towards the hills, towards Viridian City. And they get to the edge of Pallet Town, and Skip passes his house.

[Beat.]

Skip: We’re good. Let’s keep going guys.

[Sage chuckles.]

Xander: Do you wanna say “bye” to your mom or anybody?

Skip: I left a note.

Candace: That’s good enough.

Xander: Leaving your friends—

Skip: Ugh. Fine.

[Skip hurries over to the house.]

Xander: —[fading] and family and- I- I mean. Whatever you want.

[Skip opens the front door and walks across the carpeted living room. A shower is running. He knocks on the bathroom door.]

Mrs. Svitak: [deep, gravelly voice] Oh, you’re home Skip.

Skip: Mom, I am, uh, I’m not gonna be a professional skateboarder just like you wanted. So I’m gonna go be a Pokémon trainer.

Mrs. Svitak: You’re gonna be a Pokémon trainer?

Skip: Just like Red!

Mrs. Svitak: Or a Pokémon master?

Skip: Oh. I’m hopin’—

Mrs. Svitak: I have all the faith in you, my son.

Skip: [fast] Okay, bye Mom!

Mrs. Svitak: [fast] Goodbye.

[The front door slams. Skip hurries down the sidewalk back to the group.]

[Adventure-inspiring Pokémon Main Theme begins to play.]

Narrator: And so, with no mention of his devious and discouraging older brother, Skip has all the confidence he needs to set out on the right path. He joins back up with his two great friends, each of them joined by their loyal Pokémon companions, and our three trainers set foot outside of Pallet Town to begin their long journey.

This is just the beginning of the amazing adventures of Candace, Skip, and Xander. Their journey is destined to be packed with non-stop action, millions of laughs, heart-pounding perils—[mumbles] tremendous sadness—and endless excitement! Together, they’ll encounter fantastic friends, evil enemies, and meet creatures— [mumbles] and personal demons—beyond their wildest imagination!

And as their story unfolds, we’ll unlock the magic and mystery of a most wondrous place. The incredible world of Pokémon!

[Episode End music.]

Credits

[Music continues throughout.]

Marlena Jean: Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by Kate Pursely, David McEuen, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

Sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Special Thanks

Sage: Hey, guys, Sage here.

So…we did it. Crazy stuff. Episode one of sixteen. I am so excited to embark on this with everyone, with the cast and crew and of course you, the listener. Thank you so, so much.

If you have a Twitter, a Facebook, an Instagram, we would love for you to connect with us! Stay in touch, share, reach out. We want this show to soar, and we really can’t do it without your voice.

Just wanted to mention also, really quick, that we do have a Patreon if you like what you heard and wanna show some support. $1 gets you a shoutout on the show, and $3 gets you an Adventure Pass. More on that at patreon.com/20sidedstories.

For $0 though, all you gotta do is hit the subscribe button wherever you’re listening or simply share this episode with a Pokémon fan or a close friend who you think would get a laugh out of it.

As a matter of fact...

A very special thanks to Chad Ellis, Kadet Kuhne, and our Patreon Producers

Marlena Lowry. Jay Speck. Maureen Brown. Zack Bender. Eugene Chee. Rebecca Dahlgren. Becky Davis. Christine Tobey. Tanya Georgevitch. Scout Decker. Daniel Badiali. Josh Wolf. Garrett Reasoner. Mariah Ramblas. And of course, Dragon Viper Cobra Improv.

Alright, that’s it for now. Keep catchin’ ’em all, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later!

[Pokémon Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]