#2 - Viridian City Emergency!
20 Sided Stories
POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version
Episode 2 - Viridian City Emergency!
Air Date: August 7, 2018
[Podcast Intro music throughout.]
Sage G.C.: This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.
The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.
[Intro crescendos.]
Jessica Dahlgren: Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.
[Intro fades out.]
Prologue |
[The relaxing, spunky Route 1 Theme music plays.]
Narrator: It is a beautiful day, and our trainers have stepped foot outside of their home in Pallet Town prepared for a long, exciting road ahead, starting with the humble Route 1.
Candace: [sings] —O-K-E-M-O-N! I’ve been singing this song to the very end. Oh, yeah.
[Candace continues singing in the background.]
Skip: Hey, Xander.
Xander: [quiet] Hey, how’s it going?
Skip: Hey, man, you’ve been looking at your Pokédex a lot. What’s up?
Xander: I’m just trying to figure out what it is.
Skip: What what is?
Xander: What this thing is. This Pokédex. You guys all talk, like- like you know what all this stuff is. Have I just missed the boat? I don’t understand any of... What do I do with this?
Skip: Well, it’s, uh, it’s great for identifying different kinds of Pokémon. It’s gonna be sort of like your dictionary on the way.
Xander: Okay. To where?
Skip: To knowledge.
Xander: No, where are we going?
Candace: [sings] Viridian City. Whoo hoo! [normal] We’re going to Viridian City. It is, like, the place to be. My Aunt Clair is the Gym Leader, so you know. It’s gonna be pretty awesome. Yeah.
Xander: [quiet] Okay.
Candace: What’s going on? What’s- why- why are you being a Debby Downer right now? Why are you being the, you know, life-sucking person of the party?
Skip: Xander Blander.
Xander: Wow. Um. S-sorry. It’s fine. I won’t do anything. Let’s just go.
Candace: Okay, no, but I’m really sorry. I just realized I was being a little insensitive. I’m very concerned. What’s going on in your brain? Because you keep shutting down and clearly there’s something wrong with you and you’re not talking about it.
Xander: It’s…it’s- it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong. It’s fine.
Skip: I figured it out.
Candace: What is it?
Skip: [sympathetic] He didn’t get to fight Zach.
Xander: [louder] Let’s just go.
Candace: Is that really why?
Skip: [sympathetic] Do you need to fight some Pokémon?
Xander: I don’t need to fight anybody. I don’t…
Skip: ’Cause we’re- we’re gonna find some stuff on this trail.
[Xander sighs.]
Like if- Here, I’m gonna throw a rock at this tree. I’m sure somethin’ll come down.
[He scoops up a rock.]
Xander: What? That sounds like not a good idea.
[Skip grunts as he throws the rock. Leaves rustle. Birds chirp in the background, but nothing happens.]
Candace: Um, why don’t you try singing the song that I’ve been singing with me? Singing actually is proven to, like, boost people’s moods, you know that?
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Candace: Music is great. Don’t you like music?
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Xander, can you roll me Sense for perception.
[Dice roll on table.]
[Net chime.]
Hmm. Alright. So we’re gonna solve this through roleplay. The three of you look around. You do see a big old blotch of tall grass.
Skip: Xander, follow me!
[He charges down the path toward some tall grass.]
Xander: Look- do- be ca—
Candace: Come on, Xander, let’s go!
Xander: Be careful!
Skip: Over here!
Candace: Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Xander: [quiet] God.
Candace: Pokémon, Pokémon, Pokémon!
Sage: And our trainers go through the tall grass.
[Grass rustles. A bird chirps loudly.]
A wild Pokémon appears!
[Candace gasps.]
[Episode intro music.]
Episode 2 - Viridian City Emergency! |
[Wild Pokemon Battle music. Birds chirp in the background.]
Candace: Oh my gosh! Do you guys see that?
Skip: Xander, look! It’s a...
[Beat.]
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: It is a...
[Beat.]
Xander: What? What is it?
Sage: You gotta pull out your Pokédex.
Jessica and Greg: Oh!
Greg: Hold on. [chuckles]
Candace: Let me pull out my Pokédex.
[Backpack zips open.]
Skip: I got mine out first!
Candace: Uck. Screw you! I have it on first!
Pokédex: [beep] Pidgey. Bird…thing.
Candace: [disappointed] Oh, it’s a Pidgey.
[Pokédex clicks shut.]
Skip: Dude, you got this!
Candace: Yeah, you can definitely not screw this up.
Xander: Wait, what?
Skip: Attack it!
Xander: Why?
Skip: Beat it up!
Xander: [distressed] Why?
Skip: Because it’s—
Xander: It’s a bird!
[Greg stifles laughter]
Skip: You gotta hurt this animal.
Candace: You gotta hurt it and- so that you can capture it, and he’s yours.
Xander: I don’t… [horrified] Is that what the plan is?
Candace: You gotta catch ’em all!
Skip: Enslave that animal!
Xander: Oh my god! This is absurd.
Candace: You need a team!
Xander: I ju—
Candace: We are your team of humans, you need a team of Pokémon to help fight your battles.
Xander: I don’t even know if Mudkip can do any- [sighs] Alright.
Candace: Oh, believe in yourself and your Mudkip.
[Mudkip exits its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]
Xander: Oh god. Oh.
Mudkip: Mud!
Xander: Okay, Mudkip.
Mudkip: Kip! [coughs]
Xander: Uh. [sighs, mumbles] Jesus Christ. Coughs getting bad. [normal] Go attack the bird? Go attack it. Go do it.
Candace: [annoyed] There’s a list of attacks that your Pokémon can do. Keep up.
Sage: Mudkip used Tackle—
Mudkip: Mud!
[A thud is heard and wings flap.]
Sage: —and the Pidgey responds with another Tackle.
[Pidgey’s attack hits with a thud.]
Xander: Hit it again.
Mudkip: Kip!
[Mudkip launches forward.]
Candace: Oh, wow! You’re so close! Go on, Xander! Do it, do it!
Xander: Do what? What?
Candace: Uh, uh, you know. Water Gun!
Xander: Wha- I- wha- I- I don’t wanna kill it! What are we talking about?
Candace: You gotta- okay well, capture it, then. Throw your Poké Ball on it.
Mudkip: Mud!
Candace: It’s weak, it’s weak, do it!
Xander: I only have this one.
[A swish is heard as Xander tosses Mudkip’s Poké Ball. The ball bonks Pidgey in the chest and bounces harmlessly off. Pidgey chirps in indignation. Mudkip cries out, annoyed at his Poké Ball being used.]
What’s that supposed to do?
Candace: You’re supposed to have more Poké Balls!
Xander: Wha- nobody told me that!
Candace: Naah! Do we not have any Poké Balls?
[Greg stifles laughter.]
Skip: Quick, use a rope or something!
Xander: Sorry! I’m so sorry!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: That is a roll for Charisma.
[Dice roll on table.]
[Success chime.]
Alright, alright, then, uh. The Pidgey decides to stop battling, backs up a little bit, and just stares at you like a fuckin’ bird. [stifles laugh]
[Light-suspense music.]
Xander: Guys… I think it’s really hurt. I got- I gotta- I gotta help this thing. I can’t. I- I- I- Mud—
Candace: What are you gonna do, put duct tape on it?
Xander: I mean, If I have to! Just- here. C-come here. Come here. Just- okay, stay still—
Candace: I’m coming. What?
Xander: [irked] Not you. Get…away.
Candace: Okay fine. [scoffs] I’ll get away.
Xander: Just inch closer.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Okay, Xander, roll for Charisma one more time.
[Dice roll on table.]
We’re gonna check- mmm. -1. Does not work.
Travis: Well no, it worked out with that. The +1.
Sage: Oh! You’re right.
Travis: Yeah.
Sage: In which case using Hidden Power: Confidence how would you like to approach the Pidgey, who is ready to fly away?
[A beat passes in silence. Slow footsteps tap on grass as Xander inches forward.]
Candace: [quiet] Any- any moment now, Xander… You’re just staring at it… Xander, what the fuck are you doing?
[Grass rustles. Pidgey flaps its wings.]
[Calming music.]
Sage: The Pidgey is enthralled by your Confidence and does not move and you grab it, and it breaks its leg.
[A sickening snap is heard. Pidgey screams.]
Xander: Oh my god!
Candace: Ugh, I can see the bone!
Skip: Oh my god!
Sage: But now it is resting and now it is just letting itself unto you. [stifles laughter]
[Music stops.]
Skip: Dude. Not cool.
Xander: Let’s just go. Okay?
Skip: You should probably wash your hands.
Xander: I- I’m gonna hold it.
Man: Hey you kids!
Xander: [frantic] I wasn’t- I- I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry! I—
Man: What are you doing?
Xander: [quiet] Uh…
Skip: Who are you?
Mark: Ugh. My name’s Mark.
Candace: Hi, Mark. I’m Candace Carter.
Mark: I’m guessing you guys—
Skip: Whoa, whoa! [quiet, admonishing] Candace.
Mark: Guessing you guys want- want samples or something. It’s why everybody comes here anyway.
Skip: What is this? A Costco?
Mark: No it’s Pok- I work at the Poké Mart in Viridian C- What’re you…
Skip: Oh.
Candace: Oh!
Xander: What?
Skip: That expl-
Candace: Samples of what?
Xander: We’re outside, dude.
Mark: Yeah. This is my post.
Candace: Okay, what do you have samples of?
Mark: What’re you doing with that Pidgey?
Candace: Oh, this Pidgey’s really hurt. We need to take it to a hospital.
Mark: You mean a Pokémon Center? What’s a hospital?
Candace: Yeah, sorry, a Pokémon Center.
Mark: [quiet] Okay.
Candace: That’s what I said.
Skip: That’s a people center.
Xander: That’s where people go. [amused] That’s where people go when they’re hurt.
Mark: Man, it’s been a long time.
Xander: [quiet] Alright.
Mark: You don’t know how long I’ve been out here. How old are you kids?
Skip: Thirteen?
Candace: Um, what… You know, age is just a number. [nervous chuckle] I don’t know.
Skip: [stifling laughter] You’re okay with telling strangers your name, but not your age?
Candace: Um. Age is a sign of weakness.
Skip: What’s your name?
Candace: My name is Candace Carter. That is not a weakness. That’s a strength.
Skip: No- Oh god. Never mind.
Mark: Okay, well, I’m just gonna tell you what I’m supposed to tell you. [forced cheer] Pokémon Center’s great for Trainers. If you need anything like a Poké Ball to catch a Pokémon you go to the Pokémon Poké Mart.
Candace: [quiet] Oh, okay.
[Mark burps]
Skip: Bless you.
Xander: Where is it?
Mark: Uh, Viridian City.
Candace: We’re on our way to Viridian City!
Mark: [half-hearted] I’m guessing you guys want a free sample!
Skip: Yeah.
Candace: Yes!
Mark: You guys want a- [quiet] Ah, fuck.
Skip: We’ll take a free sample of a Poké Ball.
Xander: Hey. Dude, can I—
Mark: [irked] What?
Xander: Like, we’re not asking for anything. You don’t have to—
Mark: You ju- your two friends just did.
Xander: Yeah, but that’s ’cause you asked if we wanted that—
Mark: I’m supposed to ask!
Xander: Oh.
Mark: It’s my job.
Candace: What do you want us to say?
Xander: Dude, you’re, like, taking this out on us and it’s really—
Candace: Yo, I’m gonna report—
Mark: I’ve been out here for six years.
Xander: Oh my…
Mark: This has been my job.
Skip: Do you want to live?
Mark: What?
Xander: What?
Skip: I don’t know, you just—
Mark: Are you threatening me, little boy?
Skip: No.
Mark: Is that a- is that a- is that a request for a battle?
Skip: I’m checking to see if you’re threatening yourself.
Mark: You little shit! I will battle you right now!
Skip: [worried] Guys, let’s get out of here!
Xander: [quiet] Oh, what the hell is happening?
[Trainer Battle music.]
Skip: [Greg stifles laughter] Guys, let’s run!
Candace: [yells] You’ve dug our grave, and now we have to live in it!
Xander: [quiet] Oh god.
Candace: Skip!
Xander: Jesus Christ.
Candace: What kind of Pokémon do you have, stupid old man?
Mark: Go Magikarp!
[Magikarp exits its Poké Ball.]
Candace: Go Vulpix!
Mark: There’s already a Dratini here. We can’t do double battles in Kanto, it’s not allowed.
Skip: Sorry.
Candace: [dejected] Whatever.
Skip: Dratini, Thunder Wave!
[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]
Mark: Oh yeah, well that’s nothing against my Magikarp who’s gonna use Tackle. What are you doing, Magikarp?
[Wet smacking.]
Stop smacking your lips like that. Use tackle.
[Wet smacking.]
Ugh. It’s not doing anything.
Skip: Dratini, Wrap him up!
[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard and Magikarp groans.]
Give ’em the squeeze.
Mark: Ha! That was not very effective for some reason. Probably because my Magikarp’s level 10.
Skip: Keep on squeezing!
[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard.]
Mark: Hey, Magikarp, will you do something?
[Magikarp flops around.]
Magikarp. Magikarp. Magikarp!
Candace: Oh my god, this is so boring.
Mark: Magikarp!
[Magikarp grunts.]
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: This Magikarp suuuucks.
Mark: Use something else besides Splash! There’s no water here, you can’t Splash!
[Magikarp grunts.]
That- you just threw up a little bead. That doesn’t—
Skip: Dratini, let’s Wrap this up.
[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard.]
Mark: You’re squeezing my Magikarp to death.
Candace: Yeah, Dratini, go, go, go!
Mark: Stop! Magikarp, do something.
[Wet smacking.]
Candace: Oh my gosh, this is a joke. [laughs]
Skip: Alright Dratini. Let’s mix things up. Wrap!
[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard once more.]
Mark: No, no, no, no. Magikarp’s gonna die. I mean faint. Uh, same thing.
Skip: Dratini, kill him. Wrap!
[Dratini trills and squeezes.]
Mark: Hey, hey, hey! Uh, Magikarp, defend yourself!
[Magikarp groans. Dratini trills.]
[half-hearted] He’s still there. Still, like, splashing around. Oh. And he’s dead.
[Music stops.]
Candace: [deadpan] Wow.
Skip: Dratini… Keep on Wrappin’.
[Fast Rock music returns!]
[Dratini trills and squeezes.]
Xander: [horrified] Dude, stop! It’s done. Let it go. Oh my god!
Mark: Hey, stop! He’s bleeding! Magikarp! Alright, come back.
[Magikarp returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]
[Music stops again.]
Candace: Whoa. This just got—
Mark: You know, I was gonna send out my Nidoran…male.
Skip: But you- it looks like you’re the one who need to ran…away.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Mark: That’s right.
Skip: After we get some free samples.
Candace: Before you- yeah. You gotta give us all your free samples. That’s your job.
Mark: Okay. Here’s some Potions, and a Poké Ball for each of you.
[Items rustle.]
You happy?
Skip: Cool dude.
Candace: [gasps] Yay!
Skip: Hey, um—
Xander: What does this do?
Mark: What? Which one?
Candace: The Potion.
Xander: The Potion. What does that mean?
Candace: Do we each get a Potion?
Mark: [irked] You little- You arrogant- You ironic—
Xander: I- look, I’m- I’m sorry!
Mark: You confident little—
Xander: Never mind, fine. I didn’t say anything. Forget it.
Mark: How- you- do you really have the nerve—
Xander: I- I- no.
Mark: You have the nerve—
Xander: I don’t have any- I don’t- [mumbles] I don’t have much nerve.
Mark: —to pretend I don’t know what my job is.
Xander: I know what- you know. Y-you’re fine.
Candace: What is up your butt?
Skip: I’ll tell you what’s not up your butt.
[A pencil scrapes across paper. Skip lifts his artwork with a woosh.]
This picture of you I drew.
Mark: What? Why?
Skip: As sort of like a thank you for the Potions.
Candace: Did you just draw that right now?
Skip: Yeah.
Mark: [burps] Thanks.
[He takes the paper from Skip.]
Skip: Bless you.
Candace: [quiet] Uh, so what does the Potion do?
Mark: [calm] Uh, Potions heal your Pokémon. And—
Candace: Do we each get a Potion?
Mark: Yeah.
Candace: Sweet.
Mark: And, uh, Poké Balls catch Pokémon. I’m gonna go lie down.
[His footsteps fade away on the grass.]
Candace: Well, Mark, it was nice to meet you.
[Misadventure music.]
Travis: I look at the Poké Ball, then look at the Pidgey in my hand, and I slowly just [amused] touch the Pidgey with the Poké Ball. What happens?
Sage: [stifles laughter] You have to roll a d100—
Travis: Jesus Christ.
Sage: —and we consort the table of catching.
Travis: Alright.
Sage: So it’s a regular Poké Ball.
Travis: Yup.
Sage: Its health is below 25%.
Travis: M’kay.
Sage: It is a lower level than you. Do you have any bonuses toward Normal-types?
Travis: No.
Sage: Flying-types?
Travis: No.
Sage: Then you only get -20. Which is a good thing. So, roll.
Travis: Here we go.
[Dice roll on table.]
24!
Sage: 24-20 is 4, which is under the mark.
Travis: So I just—
Sage: You catch the Pidgey!
Travis: So I just push the ball against the Pidgey, the Pidgey turns into a laser beam, and then goes inside the ball?
Sage: Correct.
Travis: Okay, I’m freaking the fuck out. [chuckle]
[Successful capture chime. Victorious Pokemon-Caught music.]
Skip: Good job, man!
Xander: [yells] What did I just do?
Candace: Xander, have you never watched anything on the television about, like, being a Pokémon trainer or, like, seeing Pokémon battles?
Xander: [quiet] We don’t have a television.
Skip: You’re already a better trainer than both of us.
Candace: [quiet] Um, well, I mean. Without our help he wouldn’t have been able to do it so. I mean, we’re a team, remember?
Xander: So is it—
Skip: We are.
Candace: He’s not better than us.
Xander: So is it oka- is it- is it just okay in there? Just fine?
Candace: Yeah, it’s fine.
Xander: It can just live in there?
Candace: Kinda like a genie in a magic lamp.
Xander: Whoa.
[Music ends. Pencil scrapes on paper.]
Skip: Here. Check out this cool little sketch.
[Skip lifts his art with a woosh.]
That’s what it looks like.
Xander: Insi- there’s just…like, a palm tree and a couch.
Skip: Yeah, I got a little, um, I tried to make it look comfy.
Xander: Alright.
Sage: And our Trainers move on to Viridian City.
Candace: Whoo!
Who’s That Pokémon?
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?
[Pokémon cry.]
[Pokémon cry.]
AD BREAK |
[Radio switches on. Upbeat music throughout.]
Candace: Hi there! It’s Candace Carter. The Candace Carter. Well, I’m just here to let you know that I have a Twitter if you didn’t already know. Um, it’s getting a pretty great following so you better catch on that before the hype train starts to begin so you can be cool and follow me first. So if you wanna follow me, my Twitter handle is @CandyCarterWins
Candy spelled like the candy. Like the treat. Because I’m a treat in your life. ’Kay. Thanks. See ya!
[Radio switches channels.]
Skip: Hey what’s up, it’s Skip Svitak. Follow me on Twitter because I’ll show you the world of Pokémon through the eyes of a true adventurer. Check me out @XxSKIPBOARDERxX
Peace!
[Radio switches channels.]
Xander: Hey, it’s Xander. If you want, you can follow me on Twitter @Xandersucks_ That’s X-A-N-D-E-R sucks…underscore.
Okay.
[Radio turns off.]
Who’s That Pokémon? |
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Butterfree!
[Butterfree cry.]
Viridian City Emergency! - Part II |
[Viridian City music.]
Sage: They arrive and there’s this old man who’s looking really grumpy.
[The trio walk down the pavement, passing a rambling old man.]
Old Man: [yells] Coffee! Who the hell has some coffee for dear old Max Markle? The- the- the Max Markle of the famous war. Of the Pokémon wars. Max Markle. I’m a Viri-Viridian City hero!
Xander: Guys. Guys let’s just keep walking. Let’s keep walking.
Old Man: Hey, hey, hey!
Xander: Ah, ahhh! [nervous chuckle] Let go!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Let’s roll to see if Xander can get away [stifles laughter] from the old man unnoticed. That’s gonna be Swiftness.
Travis: Fuck.
[Dice roll on table.]
[Success chime.]
Hey!
Jessica: Ooo.
Sage: Nice! It is a critical! The old man turns over and there is nobody there.
Old Man: Okay, well I’m just gonna say this to the ether then. Bugs in Viridian Forest! Viridian Forest everywhere. Just give me some Irish coffee.
Candace: Gosh.
Xander: [quiet] Guys, that’s—
Candace: Viridian City has really gone to the—
Skip: Let’s get to that Poké Center. Or Poké Mart?
Xander: That’s insane.
Skip: Let’s get to the Poké Mart.
Candace: Poké Mart!
Sage: You arrive at the Poké Mart but you look behind you and the old man is still following you.
Xander: Oh my god.
Old Man: [crazy mumbling] Hey, where do you think you’re going? I see where you’re going.
Candace: This is so creepy.
[Music becomes suspenseful.]
Xander: We gotta call the police or something.
Old Man: Guess what? I know what you are.
Candace: Well, guess what? [aggressive] I have a lighter.
[Lighter flicks on.]
Skip: Hey, guy! Back up!
Old Man: You’re Pokémon trainers, aren’t you? [crazy chuckle]
Skip: How’d you know?
Old Man: I could see that glimmer of shininess in your pocket. You got a Pokédex.
Skip: Yeah, what’s it to you?
Old Man: Guess what?
Candace: [aggressive] What?
Old Man: You’re all looking for them Gym Badges, right? I know you are.
Xander: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Please go away.
Old Man: Well this Gym- this Gym here? Locked up!
Candace: Lo- the Gym is—
Old Man: The Gym’s locked up.
Candace: Like, it’s in jail or it’s closed?
Xander: Isn’t that- isn’t—
Old Man: [calmly explains to the stupid child] It’s locked. The door is locked.
Xander: Isn’t that your aunt’s Gym?
Candace: Excuse me? My name is Candace Carter, and my aunt is Clair Carter.
Old Man: Clair Carter?
Candace: Yes. Clair Carter.
Old Man: The Clair Carter?
Candace: The Clair Carter!
Old Man: Holy shit!
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: That’s right. So what are you saying about her Gym?
Old Man: Yeah, she left a while ago to go on vacation.
Sage: The old man walks over to the Gym and it’s locked up.
[Old Man rattles the doorknob.]
Old Man: See? See?
Candace: What?
Sage: There’s a little sign on the door, says, “Gone Fishin’! -Clair Carter”.
Candace: Clair jus- Aunt Clair does not fish. This seems fishy!
[Music fades out. A beat passes.]
Old Man: Listen kids.
Skip: Oh, Jesus!
[Stifled laughter.]
Old Man: If y’all wanna be Poké masters you gotta go to the nearest Gym other than the Gym you’re standing in front of, and that’s in Pewter City way the fuck past Viridian Forest, okay?
Candace: Wait, but where’s my aunt?
Old Man: Man, Route 19!
Candace: What does that even mean?
Sage: And then some Little Shit comes running in.
[Rival entry music.]
Candace: Ah god, it’s this little shit.
[Running footsteps on the pavement come closer.]
Little Shit Zach: Uncle Blue, Uncle Blue! Hey, Uncle Blue! I’m gonna battle you! Or just train- hey, who… Aw, it’s you nerds.
Xander: [quiet] Hey.
Candace: Hi. Little shithead.
Little Shit Zach: What are you doing here?
Old Man: Hey.
Little Shit Zach: You tryin’ to challenge my uncle?
Xander: You’re not—
Candace: Um, ha, joke’s on you. The freaking Gym Leader of this Gym is my aunt!
Little Shit Zach: What?
Candace: Aunt Clair.
Little Shit Zach: No, the Gym Leader’s Blue!
Candace: Uh, sucks for you. Read the sign, bucko. You little shithead.
Old Man: Everyone knows the Viridian City Gym has been going through a roulette of Gym Leaders for the past year. This whole city’s in chaos. We don’t know who’s running what here, okay?
Travis: We cut to a very peaceful city with literally nothing happening.
[Laughter.]
Old Man: I’m the most adult member here. I don’t know—
Skip: Yeah—
Candace: My Aunt Clair has been the Gym Leader here forever.
Little Shit Zach: Ever?
Skip: And that’s- that’s Clair, not Klara as in your [hopeful] ex-girlfriend?
Little Shit Zach: Don’t worry about Klara, you…
Skip: Good!
Little Shit Zach: Whatever you are.
Skip: Are you worrying about her?
Little Shit Zach: Yeah!
Skip: Is she in danger?
Little Shit Zach: No.
Skip: Okay.
Little Shit Zach: She’s just in Pallet Town. Hey, Old Man!
[Awkward beat.]
Old Man: What?
[Laughter.]
Sorry, I was takin’ a leak behind this tree.
[Laughter.]
Little Shit Zach: Gross!
Old Man: I didn’t know you were talking to me.
Little Shit Zach: Look, just where’s my Uncle Blue?
Old Man: Man, Blue? You talking about the former Gym Leader?
Little Shit Zach: Yeah!
Candace: Ha! Former, shithead!
Skip: As in dead.
Xander: [quiet] Wow…
Old Man: I heard he went up to Mt. Silver for a little peace and quiet.
[Suspenseful music.]
But he probably might come back in three years.
Little Shit Zach: [quiet] That’s where Red usually trains.
Old Man: Yeah.
Little Shit Zach: [quiet] He’s going to fight Red again.
Old Man: Maybe.
Little Shit Zach: [quiet] I gotta- I gotta help him. He’s gotta- I gotta hel- I’m gonna help him. I’m gonna—
Old Man: What?
Little Shit Zach: Shut up!
Old Man: Okay.
Little Shit Zach: Nerds!
Candace: Like you’d be much help.
Little Shit Zach: Uh, as my uncle would say, smell ya later!
[Rival exit music. Rapid footsteps fade as Zach runs off.]
Old Man: You got that Oak DNA in ya.
Sage: He runs off towards Viridian Forest.
Greg: With toilet paper on his foot.
Sage: And you see…
[Stifled laughter.]
Uh, you see as he runs out of the city—’cause you guys are kind of near the perimeter—there’s a couple of trees in the way where the path just kind of stops. And then he lets out a Pokémon—you don’t know what Pokémon it is—Cuts the tree down, and then just keeps on going. But then the tree very quickly just grows right back.
Xander: You guys see that?
Candace: Whoa.
Skip: Alright. Let’s go to the Pokémon Center.
Candace: Nuh- wha- but the tree just grew- wait.
Skip: Hey, we have a Pidgey that is dying.
Candace: Oh, right. It’s bleeding all over you, Xander.
Xander: It’s in a Poké Ball, what are you—
Skip: It’s bleeding all over your Poké Ball.
[Greg stifles laughter.]
Look at the blood leaking out the Poké Ball.
Candace: It’s leaking all out of the Poké Ball.
Xander: You guys- alright old guy, thanks for all the things you said. Okay.
Skip: Hey, wait. Uh, which way to the Pokémon Center?
Old Man: Talking to me?
Skip: Yeah.
Old Man: It’s the big building with the giant Poké Ball illuminescent on it.
Skip: Oh! Oh. Duh.
Old Man: It says “POKÉMON CENTER” in giant letters.
Skip: Yeah, I—
Candace: Okay guys, let’s goooo!
Old Man: Just gonna stand in my post.
[The trio hurry down the road.]
Sage: And you go to the Pokémon Center.
[Poké Center music. Automated door opens.]
Skip: Whoa.
Candace: It’s so clean and white in here.
Skip: Guys, [awed] I think I’m in love.
Candace: With who, Klara?
Skip: Who?
Candace: [irked] Klara. The chick you keep talking about and you, like, talking shit to Shithead.
Xander: Nah, he’s- he’s lookin’ at the girl at the front desk. Who is—
Skip: I only have eyes for that pink-haired angel.
Candace: Oh, you mean Joy?
Skip: [hopeful] You know her?
Candace: Everybody knows Joy. There’s so many Joy’s.
Skip: Do you know what- do you know if she’s into 13-year-olds?
[Greg stifles laughter.]
Candace: Uh, probs not.
Sage: You look over. Nurse Joy, looking great, sitting at the counter, just straight-faced doing her job.
Skip: Hi.
Xander: Hi.
Candace: Hi, Nurse Joy!
Skip: My name is Skip.
Nurse Joy: Welcome to our Pokémon Center! We heal your Pokémon back to perfect health! Shall we heal your Pokémon?
Skip: What’s your name?
Candace: Her name is Joy. I just told you.
[Candace punches Skip.]
Listen!
Skip: I’m trying to get a conversation going.
Xander: [quiet] I’m just gonna get in line behind you guys.
Skip: How are you?
Nurse Joy: Okay. We’ll need your Pokémon.
Skip: Oh, that’s so clever.
Candace: She’s just doing her job, okay? Let’s just hand her the Pidgey and get outta here.
Skip: Xander.
Xander: Oh, I was standing in line behind you. Do you wanna go first? Or—
Skip: No, go ahead.
Xander: Oh.
Candace: We’re all together, we’re a team.
Xander: Well, they can only do one at a time.
Candace: What?
Sage: Nurse Joy takes your Poké Balls and puts them on the little machine.
Xander: Oh, wow.
[Restoration machine beeps, swooshes, and beeps again.]
Nurse Joy: Thank you! Your Pokémon are fighting fit! We hope to see you again!
[Backpack zips shut.]
Xander: [quiet] She is just staring directly forward.
Candace: She didn’t even blink.
Skip: She’s so beautiful.
Candace: What’s your type, man?
Skip: Dragon.
[Beat.]
Nurse Joy: Welcome to our Pokémon Center! We heal your Pokémon back to perfect health! Shall we heal your Pokémon?
Travis: We cut to the Poké Mart! [chuckles]
[The three walk down the sidewalk toward the Poké Mart.]
Candace: You guys notice that, like, a lot of the people that we’ve learned about in Pokémon history that like hel- Like Professor Oak and now Nurse Joy—
Xander: They’re all- their names are all primary colors?
Candace: Professor Oak and Joy?
Xander: Oh. Never mind.
[Stifled laughter.]
Skip: What color is Joy? [chuckles]
Candace: No. But they’re, like—
Xander: I thought you were talking about the other guys.
Candace: —they’re creepy AF, man.
Xander: Yeah I think, like, Pokémon training is kinda really weird, you guys.
Candace: [quiet] No but like, I really- she’s like a robot.
[Door slides open. Bell chimes.]
Skip: She’s probably not into me.
Candace: [annoyed] Probably not.
Skip: You’re right. I should move on.
[Door slides shut behind them.]
Clerk: Welcome to the Poké Mart! Uh, you need anything?
Xander: What do you have?
Clerk: Poké Balls, Potions. That’s about it.
Skip: Poké Balls. How much are Poké Balls running?
Clerk: About ₽100 a piece.
[Everyone groans.]
Skip: Okay.
Candace: I don’t even have that much.
Xander: Oh man.
Skip: Do you have anything in a discount? Like a used Poké Ball?
Clerk: Oh, we actually- we offer free samples if you wanna go find our man, Mark.
[Stifled laughter.]
Clerk: He’s on Route 1.
Candace: Oh, right.
Skip: Ooo, oh! I have a complaint to file.
Candace: Question!
Xander: [loud] No, uh, we’re fine! Ugh.
Skip: I have a ver- I have a complaint.
Xander: [quiet] Oh, no.
Skip: I- I know a very powerful lawyer, and we will sue this company. We were attacked—
Candace: By a “powerful lawyer” are you talking about my mom?
Skip: [whispers] Come on go with it, we’re a team.
Candace: [whispers] Fine.
Skip: Uh, we were attacked—
[Xander coughs.]
—by this so called Mark on our way here.
Candace: Yeah he, like, pinned us to the ground and spit in our faces. That happened.
Clerk: [unfazed] Okay, what if I just gave you some free coffee? Free coffee good?
Candace: Um, no—
Old Man: [yells] Coffee?
Xander: Oh god!
Candace: I will- This lawyer- this lawyer, my—
Xander: Have you been following us this whole time?
Skip: Wait, you’re not my- where’d my backpack go?
Old Man: Man!
Skip: He was my backpack this whole time!
Old Man: I’ll take some of that Hooch brand coffee if you know what I mean. [laughs]
Clerk: Uh, well I, uh- I mean if they say it’s okay to have their coffee. It was kind of for them, sir.
Old Man: I’m their guardian. [David stifles laughter]
[Cheerful Viridian City music begins.]
Candace: No, um, ’scuse me. I don’t think you’re understanding the intensity of this interaction we had with your Mark. He was very offensive. Um, anyway, I’m just tryin’a say I will bring my mother. She is cold-blooded. She will sue and tear this place apart if you don’t give us a discount on Poké Balls right now!
[Music stops.]
Clerk: Uh, well, uh. Free coffee is what we can offer.
Skip: F this town.
Xander: [quiet] I’ll take it.
Candace: [aggressive] I’ll take your free coffee and I’ll get my mom to sick you!
Xander: [quiet] Sure.
[Cheerful Viridian City music resumes. Birds chirp in the background. A beat passes before sipping is heard.]
Sage: In the park right outside of Viridian City, the old man’s there drinking coffee, still bothering our trainers.
Old Man: See there was a time—
Skip: Hey, old man, do you know how to cut down these trees?
Old Man: —back in the Edo Period- what? Yeah.
Skip: Okay.
Old Man: You gotta have Cut.
Skip: Oh, sweet. Thank you.
Old Man: HM01.
Xander: What? What’s in- what’s that?
Old Man: [enunciates] Hidden Machine One.
Xander: [quiet] Okay this guy’s obviously fucking gone. He’s on something.
Old Man: Yeah, I think it’s in Vermilion. It’s been a while.
Xander: This guy’s talking like the inside of a Pink Floyd record sleeve. I don’t get any of this.
Old Man: See, here’s the thing, though. If there’s three birds, how the hell’s there three dogs? That’s just what I wanna know.
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: What are you talking about?
Old Man: Then there’s the other two birds, one is flying up top, and the other’s down below in the water. And then who knows about that cat that’s pink and flies around all the time.
[David stifles laughter.]
Candace: A cat that’s pink and flies around? [gasps]
Xander: This guy’s out of his fucking mind.
Sage: Can somebody roll me Intelligence? Or Smarts, is what I mean to say.
[Stat test chime.]
[Dice roll on table.]
[Failure chime.]
Greg: Nope.
[Failure chime.]
[Success chime.]
[Cheering.]
Sage: Alright. Candace gets the critical.
Jessica: Yeah!
Sage: She looks at the belt of this old man. He has one Poké Ball and a little disk holder.
Old Man: It’s a Walkman.
[Laughter.]
Sage: And she remembers learning on the TV about HMs, Hidden Machines, how they run on disks.
[Misadventure music.]
Candace: Um, ’scuse me?
Old Man: Max Markle.
Candace: Max Markle. Um, I notice that you have a very interesting, um, device on your belt next to one of your Poké Balls.
Old Man: Oh, kid! I don’t go that young! I’m sorry.
Candace: Gross! Um, excuse me, sir.
Old Man: Yeah?
Candace: I’m talking about your Hidden Machine.
Old Man: [nervous laugh] Again, kid—
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
—I don’t want any part of- you are entrapping me. Police!
Candace: That thing with the disks!
Xander: What? The- the Walkman-looking thing?
Candace: Yes! The Walkman-looking thing!
Old Man: Oh! Ohhh!
Candace: Not your freaking hidden thing, you gross old man!
Old Man: Hey, you’re the one hittin’ on me kid.
Candace: I was not! I’m asking you about- I will…
[Jessica takes a deep breath and fights back laughter.]
I will get the police over here if you don’t tell me what’s going on.
Old Man: Wanna learn how to learn to catch a Pokémon?
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: Um...
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Candace, let’s check for Charisma.
Jessica: [quiet] Oh, fuck. [normal] Just so everybody knows. I have a -1 in Charisma. Not a lot of people like me.
[Dice roll on table.]
Travis: I wonder why.
Jessica: But…
[Hidden Power chime.]
Sage: Alright. It’s a blank. So Candace can call upon her Hidden Power. [stifles laughter] Which is…
Jessica: [snicker] Brawn. [chuckle]
[Misadventure music.]
Candace: [she-hulk voice] I will tackle you!
Old Man: By what Pokémon’s wi—
Skip: Candace, Tackle!
Old Man: Whoa!
[Candace roars and tackles him. The Old Man grunts as he hits the ground. Slaps are heard as Candace beats him up.]
Candace: Listen to me! You better—
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Xander: [frantic] Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!
Candace: Tell me!
[Jessica chuckles.]
Skip: Should we grab things off his belt, Candace?
Candace: Go, go!
[Jessica chuckles.]
Travis: I take out my Potion and start squirting it on the back of his- on his head.
Old Man: Oh. Oh, that feels so good.
Travis: Trying to help. Does that help?
Sage: That-
[Stat test chime.]
Let- uh, roll for Effectiveness.
[Dice roll on table.]
[Net chime.]
It’s keeping him alive but it’s not great.
[Travis laughs.]
Candace: [she-hulk voice] I will end you!
Xander: Candace!
Old Man: [tearful] Do you want this?
[The disk holder rustles as the Old Man hands it over.]
Here.
Skip: I got his Walkman!
Candace: Yes! Give it to me! That’s your Walkman.
Old Man: [tearful] Please, please!
[The Old Man’s voice fades as he runs down the street.]
Officer Jenny, Officer Jenny!
Sage: He runs off into Viridian City and our trainers realize, uh oh.
[Police sirens wail and the Pokémon Main Theme starts.]
Candace: Oh. Shypers.
Xander: [frantic] Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! Run, run, run! Go, go, go, go!
Jessica: I have all his stuff, right?
Sage: Right, but you have to teach your Pokémon Cut before you can use it.
Xander: Shit.
Jessica: I have to what?
Xander: Get out the thing. Get out- get out your fox! Get out your fox!
Candace: Uh, Vulpix, get out!
[Vulpix exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]
Sage: [stifles laughter] You all- you all, like, let your Pokémon out at once and you just keep putting the CD on all of their heads—
[Multiple whooshes are heard as every Pokemon exits their Poké Balls. Mudkip cries out. The disk holder clatters.]
Xander: Where’s the fucking ROM on this thing?
[Disk holder clatters again. Pidgey chirps.]
Narrator: But unfortunately, none of our trainers’ Pokémon could learn the HM Cut. As the police draw closer to the edge of town they can’t help but fear. Is the journey ending so soon? Before the first Gym? Will they ever find a Pokémon who can Cut down trees? Or is there perhaps another way into Viridian Forest? There’s only one way to find out. Tune in next week to POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version!
[Episode End music.]
Credits |
[Episode End music throughout.]
Marlena Jean: Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.
Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren
Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner
And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves
With Additional Voices by David McEuen, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.
The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda
With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.
Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves
Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard
Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe
Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.
You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at
Sagegc.bandcamp.com
And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com
[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]
Special Thanks |
Sage: Hello again! Sage here.
Thanks for continuing the Kanto adventure with us. Quick pro tip, the disclaimer and intro stamp at the beginning, I made it exactly 30 seconds. So since most podcasting apps have a skip 15 or 10-second button, if you don’t want to hear it over and over again, just tap that button twice. Or three times. You can do the math.
If you have a Twitter, Facebook, Instagram we would love for you to connect with us, please stay in touch. It is really integral for the growth of the show.
Also don’t forget we have a Patreon if you like what you heard and you wanna show some support. $1 gets you a shout-out on the show and $3 gets you an Adventure Pass. More on that at patreon.com/20sidedstories.
For $0 though, you can hit the subscribe button wherever you’re listening or simply share this episode with a Pokémon fan or close friend you know who you think would get a laugh out of it. It really helps more than you’d think.
And of course, a very special thanks to Chad Ellis, Kadet Kuhne, and our Patreon producers.
Alright. That’s it for now. Keep catchin’ ’em all, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story, which is next Wednesday by the way. This updates weekly. Thanks for listening. Later!
[Pokémon Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]