#5 - The S.S. Dan
20 Sided Stories
POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version
Episode 5 - The S.S. Dan
Air Date: August 28, 2018
[Podcast Intro music throughout.]
Sage G.C.: This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.
The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.
[Intro crescendos.]
Jessica Dahlgren: Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.
[Intro fades out.]
Prologue |
[Upbeat music; Cerulean City theme.]
Narrator: After tense battles with Brock and Misty, our trainers have just received their first two Gym Badges. They now set off from the Cerulean City Gym, ready for and in pursuit of the next challenge.
[Automated door slides open.]
Skip: Hey. Guys, turn around. Look, look.
Candace: What?
Skip: They’re holding hands.
Candace: Oh, Misty and Brock?
Skip: Yeah!
Candace: Wow. They’re… Do you think they’re, like, in love?
Skip: N- I don’t really think it’s gonna work out.
Candace: Yeah.
Skip: Brock’s super into her, though.
Candace: Sounds like another, uh, guy-into-another-girl, uh, scenario that I know of.
Skip: [sighs] I think he just needs to mature. I mean, I know I’m just a kid but he’s just- he’s fallin’ in love with too many girls.
Candace: You think so?
Skip: Yeah.
Candace: Mmm. Interesting.
Skip: Yeah. It is.
Candace: So how’s, uh, how’s, uh, your whole Nurse Joy and Klara situation goin’?
Sage: Our trainers look over to see, by the bike shop, there’s a whole crime scene. It’s taped off, there’s officers and sirens, couple of detectives, smashed windows. Seems to be a lot of commotion, but they’re trying to keep it under control.
[Music becomes suspenseful. Police sirens wail.]
Skip: Whoa.
Candace: What the fudge is happening?
Skip: Let’s go check it out.
Candace: Yeah? Xander? What d’you want?
Xander: Huh?
Skip: You okay, bud?
Candace: Are you gonna come or what?
Xander: Where are we going?
Skip: We’re gonna—
Candace: We’re gonna go check out the crime scene.
Xander: Oh. Okay, yeah. Let’s go.
[Police whistle blows.]
Officer Jenny: What’re you kids doing here? This is a crime scene.
Candace: Uh, we just saw the commotion and we wanted to help.
Officer Jenny: Well, all you’ll be doing here is getting in the way. We’re investigating a lot of bike thieves.
[Chatter on police scanner in background.]
Candace: Oh, gosh. How many bikes were stolen?
Officer Jenny: It’s unclear at this point.
Skip: How do you even know bikes were stolen, then?
Officer Jenny: Well, because they’re missing. But it’s been a mass steal- it- it’s complicated. It’s police work!
Candace: So it’s uncountable. There’s just so many bikes that you don’t even know!
Officer Jenny: Right and- and they’re very expensive.
Candace: [quiet] Oh.
[Quiet crying.]
Who’s that?
Xander: What’s- is it- is Brock here?
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Bike Shop Owner: Who?
Xander: [quiet] Never mind.
Candace: Mr. Man, why are you crying?
Bike Shop Owner: ’Cause all of my expensive bikes are gone.
Xander: Are you the purveyor of this bike place?
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Bike Shop Owner: Yeah, this is my stowe.
Candace: Do you have a son? ’Cause you sound like this buggy dude that we met.
Bike Shop Owner: Oh, you know my son Doug?
Candace: Oh, yeah. Have y- yeah, we, uh—
Bike Shop Owner: How’s he doin’? He was back at, uh—
Xander: [nervously] Has he been home recently?
Candace: Yeah, have you seen him?
Bike Shop Owner: No, I was wondewin’ how his trainin’ was goin’. I thought he was gonna be over in—
Skip: How many- how many bikes did you lose?
[Stifled laughter.]
Bike Shop Owner: Four.
Skip: Four bikes.
Candace: That doesn’t sound like a lot.
Bike Shop Owner: It is a lot. They’re each worth a million dollars.
[Greg laughs.]
Candace: [shouts] Oh, snap!
Xander: Oh my god! What’re they made of?!
Officer Jenny: But that’s not the point. It means so much more than this.
[Suspenseful guitar builds.]
Xander: What?
Candace: What does that- wait, what?
Officer Jenny: Well, we think that whoever broke into the bike shop might be trying to mimic the infamous, disbanded Team Rocket.
[Team Rocket motif echoes.]
Candace: [slow] Whoa.
Skip: [slow] Whoa.
Candace: Team Rocket? They’re, like, ancient history.
Bike Shop Owner: [tearful] Hey do you just go around tellin’ little children all the cwime information?
Candace: Hey, we’re not just children!
Bike Shop Owner: I don’t even know these- Team Rocket has my bikes!
Officer Jenny: Well, we don’t know that yet! And we- we need to make sure the public is informed! They could have information that we need!
Bike Shop Owner: [tearful] The journalists aren’t even here yet. Lady, you betta not let me down!
Xander: Uh, ’scuse me. From- from what I’ve heard, Team Rocket was, like, this major, multi-national crime syndicate. Did they really go around stealing bikes from local bike shops?
Officer Jenny: These bikes are very expensive, as you know.
Xander: What’re they m—
Officer Jenny: They’re a million dollars each.
Candace: And Team Rocket always just- just steal things that they needed in the moment, so my guess is th—
Xander: So like, they were hard up on cash and were like, “Let’s go rob a bike store”?
Bike Shop Owner: Well, many years ago, here in Cerulean City, there was a house that got bwoke into. But I don’t know if that’s related or not.
Candace: What house?
Xander: Was that- hold on, was it just a break-in or did Team Rocket do it?
Bike Shop Owner: Oh it was Team Wocket, that’s for sure.
Candace: Team [enunciates] Rocket, or Wocket?
Bike Shop Owner: That’s what I said.
Skip: [quiet] Please don’t make fun of his speech impediment.
Xander: [nervous chuckle] This is very- Okay, hold on.
[Jessica chuckles.]
That’s not nice.
Candace: Well, you gotta correct people when they’re saying things wrong.
Xander: Mm-mm.
Bike Shop Owner: What the fuck is wrong wit’ ch’you?
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Xander: [loud] Alright, well—
Candace: Well, I’m just try—
Xander: That’s a lot of info. I guess we’ll let you guys do it now, if you guys want.
[Music fades out.]
Officer Jenny: What I need you to do—
Xander: What?
Officer Jenny: —is if you see any susp—
Xander: What do need from- what?
[Whistle blows.]
Officer Jenny: Hey! I’m Officer Jenny and I need you to listen to me!
Xander: [quiet] Oh. Okay.
Officer Jenny: I’m in charge of this investigation, and I need you to tell me if you see any suspicious activity!
Candace: Will do, Officer Jenny!
Xander: Sure. Where- where can we find you if we do?
Officer Jenny: I’ll be around.
Xander: What?
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Officer Jenny: And if I’m not around, you can talk to one of my cousins. They look exactly like me and are also named Jenny.
Xander: [quiet] Oh, I get it.
Candace: Yeah, it’s just like Nurse Joy.
Xander: [mumbles] Yeah.
Bike Shop Owner: Well, where- where’d Team Wocket go? Where you gonna track ’em down?
Officer Jenny: Well, we’re not—
Xander: This guy’s deteriorating by the second.
Officer Jenny: He’s very distraught. He’s lost his bikes.
Bike Shop Owner: [tearful] Please find my bike!
Officer Jenny: We don’t know for sure if this has been Team Rocket or- or another crime syndicate.
Bike Shop Owner: You think they’re still hidin’ out in ze, uh, [whispers] Celadon Game Corner?
Officer Jenny: Well, that’s where we’ll be looking next. But that’s all we know right now.
Bike Shop Owner: [sobs] I’m gonna go back inta my shop. [footsteps receding] At least it’s what it used to be. I miss my son.
[Suspenseful, stealthy music resumes.]
Candace: Hey, Officer Jenny?
[Stifled laughter.]
Officer Jenny: Yes?
Candace: What’d he say? Something about the Celadon Game Corner? Center?
Officer Jenny: Right! I-in Celadon City there’s a place where you can play arcade games and we think that’s our lead for where criminals might be hidin’.
Candace: [quiet] Oh.
Skip: Arcades! That’s the perfect place to plan a crime!
Candace: [yells] Gasp!
Xander: Are we gonna… Oh, you guys wanna go there?
Skip: Yeah! We’re goin’!
Xander: Okay.
Candace: It’s adventure time, bucko!
Xander: What about the Gy- [quiet] Okay.
Skip: And we gotta stop this crime wave before it blasts off.
Officer Jenny: Just, uh, make sure you don’t get in the way. You know? Don’t- don’t take any vigilante action or anything like that.
Xander: Okay, hold on. You want us to go investigate this but also not get in the way?
Officer Jenny: You just need to make sure you let me know before you do anything ridiculous.
Xander: [shouts] We’re gonna be in another city! Do you have a phone number?
Officer Jenny: I already told you my cousins will be stationed at every city.
Xander: D’you got- you—
Officer Jenny: You- you can’t miss us.
Xander: [shouts] You know what? Fine! Fine! Let’s just go! This sucks.
Candace: [yells] To the arcade!
Sage: And our trainers cross over to Route 5.
[Episode Intro music.]
Episode 5 - The S.S. Dan |
[The trio walk down a dirt road. Birds and crickets chirp in the background.]
Xander: [sighs] So are we really gonna go look at a- like, isn’t there, like, a tournament or something we have to get to? I’m- I’m a little lost as to what’s goin’ on right now.
Candace: You know, sometimes things just get tossed right in front of you and you just have to seize the opportunity.
Skip: We’ll stay on course, but if we see somethin’ we’ll say somethin’.
Candace: Exactly. We’re doing our part for the society. Because you don’t know. If they’re like Team Rocket, they’re fudgin’ up with some Pokémons and we gotta stop that!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Can we roll fudge to test Sense?
[Dice roll on table.]
[Net chime.]
[Failure chime.]
[Success chime.]
Hmm. Alright, using a success, a failure, and a blank I’m gonna say, Skip looks out toward the southern horizon and sees something flash in the tall grass.
Skip: Guys! Did you see that?
Candace: No, what?
Xander: [quiet] No. What?
Skip: There was a flash over there in the tall grass!
Candace: [whispers] Whoa.
Skip: Follow me!
Candace: Okay!
Xander: [nervous] Oh boy.
[They run down the road. Candace and Skip pant comically.]
Candace: Come on! Pant, Xander! Aren’t you tired?
Xander: I got long legs.
[Wild Pokemon Battle music starts!]
Skip: Whoa!
Candace: What? [gasps]
Skip: Whoa, Pokédex, what is that?
[Pokédex clicks open.]
Pokédex: [beep] Abra. Some… [static] crabby lookin’ thing. Is Psychic—
Xander: I think it’s broken. You should turn it off and turn it on again.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Skip: Okay, hold on. I’m rebooting.
[Pokedex beeps and chimes as it reboots.]
Somebody else use their Pokédex.
[Candace opens her Pokédex.]
Candace: Pokédots, what is this Pokémon?
[Stifled laughter.]
Greg: You called it polka dots.
[Laughter.]
That’s so cute.
Candace: [Jessica stifles laughter] Pokédots!
Pokédots: Abra. A bi-pedal Pokémon that is primarily yellow. Its face is kite-shaped with a small, pale, yellow snout and two short, pointed ears. But you can see that yourself.
Xander: It says bi-pedal but that shit is- that guy is floating. He is floating! This is amazing!
Pokédots: It has psychic abilities and is known to run away at sight.
Xander: Oh my god, I want it!
Candace: Oh, but I want it!
Xander: Nobody look at it!
Candace: Hey, you barely even like Pokémon! You’re only here ’cause you have to be here.
Xander: It’s like a living prog rock album!
Skip: Dratini, go!
Xander: [yells] What?
[A whoosh is heard as Dratini exits its Poké Ball.]
You’re gonna scare it!
Candace: [yells] Screw you!
Skip: Dratini, Thunder Wave!
[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps, Paralyzing Abra. Electronic whooshing is heard. Dratini is Paralyzed as well.]
Candace: Oh, wow.
Xander: Oh. Uh-oh.
Skip: Dratini!
Candace: It’s all happening so fast!
[Dratini trills.]
Xander: Oh my- so many things just happened! Okay.
Skip: Xander, get out there! Dratini, come back.
[Dratini returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]
Pokédots: Abra has a special ability called Synchronize which make it so that if attacked with a status effect, it is synchronized with your Pokémon to have the same status effect.
Xander: So cool. Okay, rock-paper-scissors.
Candace: This one’s mine!
Xander: Let’s do this! [quickly] One, two, three shoot.
Candace: One, two, three, shoot! Ha!
Xander: Dammit!
Candace: Scissor beats paper!
Xander: Ugh!
Candace: This baby’s mine!
Xander: Fine!
Candace: Alright, Pixie!
[Pixie the Vupix exits its Ball and cries out.]
It’s time to get goin’! Go, Tail Whip!
[Pixie coos and wiggles its tail cutely.]
Awesome, you made her defenses down.
Skip: Way to go, Pixie!
[Pixie cries out.]
Candace: Yeah! Rock and roll! Okay, Pixie! Go Ember!
[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]
Nice one!
[Paralyze buzzes.]
Ugh. Alright.
Xander: It’s just sittin’ there. It’s not doin’ anything.
Candace: Okay, Pixie. It’s time to charm this little Pokémon’s butt off. Baby Doll Eyes, go!
[Pixie coos.]
Aw, you look so beautiful, Pixie.
[Paralyze buzzes.]
Xander: It’s like he keeps trying to do something, but it’s just not working. What’s wrong with it? I don’t want any- ah, eh.
Candace: I think it’s defective.
Xander: I don’t know.
Candace: Should we take it to a Pokémon Center?
Xander: [yells] Jus’ try to catch it!
Candace: Pixie! Go Ember.
[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]
Skip: Wow, way to heat things up.
Xander: You should try to catch it or something. I don’t know.
Candace: Yeah! I should catch it now.
Xander: Try! Do it!
Candace: Okay, Poké Ball!
Xander: [fast] If you miss, I get next dibs.
[Stat test chime.]
[Dice roll on table.]
Candace: Go and catch it!
[Abra enters the Poké Ball with a whoosh.]
Travis: Holy shit.
[Poké Ball wiggles.]
Sage: Wow. So, uh, you automatically caught it without any bonuses.
[Successful catch chime. Victory music.]
[Candace squeals. Xander claps.]
Candace: Oh my god!
Skip: Way to go, Candace!
Candace: I’m a winner, winner chicken dinner! Take that, Xander! Look who’s the best one on the team now!
Skip: Yeah, cartwheel!
Xander: What the fuck? I didn’t—
Skip: Pose!
Candace: Somersault! Heavy panting! [pants]
Xander: You’re so competitive!
Skip: Xander, get in the pose!
Xander: I’m happy for you. I clapped! No I will not get in the pose. That was rude!
[Music stops. Wind blows and birds chirp in the background.]
Skip: You’re really not doin’ this—
Candace: My parents are a politician and a lawyer. What d’you expect from me?
Xander: I don’t know that!
Candace: Oh, well, yeah. That’s what they- that’s what they do, so—
Skip: Perhaps we should have a good session of [sings] getting to know you.
Candace: [sings] Getting to know me! Xander where’s your father? [normally] Your turn! Sharing time! What’s going on? Your mom’s single. Where’d your dad go? Is he dead?
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Skip: Hey, my mom’s single too, so I can relate. Well, kind of single.
Candace: My parents are together, but they barely see each other and sleep in separate bedrooms.
Skip: At least your mom’s not sleeping with Mr. Burdalody.
Candace: Oh, gross!
Skip: I know.
[Beat.]
Xander: This is a really intense line of questioning. I’d like it if we could just move on, please.
Candace: Well, we’ve all shared and you have not shared yet, so—
Xander: I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t want any of that.
Candace: Yeah, but this is now- we’re a- we’re a team. You need to share with us right now, mister!
Skip: Come on. We’ve just dropped down some Gengar-level dark secrets.
Candace: [tearful] This is a lot for me to reveal about myself.
Xander: [nervous] I didn’t want that.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Xander, will you please roll for Confidence?
[Dice roll on table.]
[Hidden Power chime.]
Hmm. Blanks. Hidden Power.
Travis: It is Confidence.
Sage: Oh, shit. Alright. So that’s a success, then.
Xander: [firm] No, thank you.
Candace: What?
Xander: [firm] No, thank you.
Candace: [quiet] Oh.
Xander: [firm] Pass.
Skip: He seems pretty confident. Maybe we should drop it.
Candace: [hesitant] I guess so.
Xander: We’re not there yet.
Skip: Every team needs a dark brooding one.
[Beat. Candace sighs quietly.]
Xander: Alright.
Candace: [quiet] Okay, well, anyway.
Xander: [quiet] Real good job on the Pokémon, though.
Skip: Hey, Candace, great job.
Xander: [quiet] Yup. Great job.
Candace: Yeah, thanks, guys!
[Xander chuckles.]
I have an Abra! I can’t wait to name it! [sings happily]
[Adventurous music plays; Vermillion City Theme.]
Sage: And so our trainers, in near silence, finish their walk through Route 5 and arrive at Vermilion City, a coastal town.
[Wingull cries.]
Skip: Oh look! It’s a seagull?
[Laughter.]
Sage: No, a Wingull.
Pokédex: [muffled] Wingull. A bird-thing.
Xander: Jesus Christ, it’s like your pocket’s talking.
Skip: [chuckles] Turn your Pokédex off.
Xander: Sorry. I’ll set it to vibrate.
Candace: No, it’s telling us information!
Xander: Alright, fine. I’ll put it back. What?
Pokédex: [beep] No Pokémon in sight.
Candace: Oh.
Xander: Missed it.
Sage: And then, a loud foghorn is heard over the ocean.
[Foghorn blows.]
Candace: Holy smokes! What’s that?
[Candance runs ahead to get a view of the ship.]
Oh, whoa! I’ve never been on one of those!
Skip: Really? You’re rich!
Candace: I’ve been on a lot of planes.
Skip and Xander: Oh.
Candace: Boats are common folk.
Skip: Sure. Jets are fly, but boats go swimmingly.
Candace: Yeah, but they also sssink.
[Music stops. A beat passes.]
Skip: Wow, that joke really crashed.
Candace: That was my attempt! Whatever.
[Foghorn blows. Music resumes.]
Sage: Our trainers look up to see that the boat/ship/cruise ship seems to have docked.
Skip: Hey do you guys wanna [quiet] go on a cruise? [normal] To look for stolen bikes!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Skip, can you roll me Smarts?
[Dice roll on table.]
[Success chime.]
Critical success. Skip remembers that, even though he hasn’t seen him in about a year and a half, his older brother—Cedric, a Businessman—owned a cruise liner called the S.S. Dan.
Xander: [whispers] God dammit.
Greg: What’s the name of this ship?
Sage: S.S. Dan.
[Music calms.]
Skip: [groans] Guys. This is my brother’s boat.
Candace: Whoa! Your brother has a boat?
Skip: He’s a Businessman.
Candace: Wow!
Skip: This is his business.
Xander: Do you wanna go on it? Should we go say, “Hi”?
Candace: Should we say, “Hi”?
Xander: Are you guys cool?
Candace: Did he—
Skip: Yeah, we’re cool.
Candace: Is he a Pokémon trainer, too?
Skip: No, man. He tried to go into a more lucrative business. Business.
Candace: Wow.
Skip: But this’ll be a great opportunity to show off my Dratini.
Candace: Yeah! And I could show off Pixie and my Abra!
Skip: What about you, Xander?
Xander: Do they have a bathroom?
Candace: I would assume so, but it’s also on top of the ocean, so if you just have to go number one, you could just go off the end of the boat.
Skip: [yells] Cedric!
Xander: I wanna do that, let’s go. [stifles laughter]
[Candace stifles laughter. The trio jog down the dock and up the metal gangplank to the cruise liner.]
Skip: [yells] Cedric, hey!
Ticket Man: Uh, excuse me, little boy. Are you tryin’ to get into the cruise ship? Do you have a ticket?
Skip: Hey, [scoffs] I’m a man in the temple and I don’t need a ticket.
Ticket Man: This isn’t a religious thing, it’s a boat. So I don’t- what are you—
Skip: I’m the younger brother of Cedric Svitak.
Ticket Man: The Cedric Svitak?
Skip: Yeah.
Ticket Man: And you could prove that?
Skip: Yeah. Here’s my blood.
[Knife swishes. Skip stabs himself.]
Ticket Man: God, y—
Candace: Well, you’re Pokédex has your name in it.
Skip: Oh! Oh, yeah. I should do that instead.
[Clothes rustle. Candace chuckles.]
Here, check it out.
Pokédex: [beep] Skip Svitak. Youngster class.
Ticket Man: They’re with you?
Skip: Yeah, they’re my handlers. [chuckles]
Candace: Yeah, we’re a team! We’re called the Dream Police!
Xander: Do you have a bathroom?
Skip: Cartwheel!
[Skip and Candace run into position and pose.]
Candace: [sings] Surrender. Somersault!
Ticket Man: We usually just go off the edge of the boat.
Xander: Cool.
Skip: [groans] Xander, you missed your cue.
Xander: What? [quiet] Oh, fuck. Uh, uh. [grunts]
[Xander moves his arms a bit.]
[Beat.]
Skip: Come on, guys.
Xander: [chuckles] I’m sorry.
[Jessica chuckles.]
Who’s That Pokémon?
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?
[Pokémon cry.]
[Pokémon cry.]
AD BREAK |
[Radio switches on. Upbeat music plays.]
Candace: Listen up, bucko! Candace Carter here to tell you that this show is made by a bunch of broke dipshits who need your support.
Instead of getting some sort of sustainable capital funding, they’ve opted to stay independent, like a bunch of frickin’ hippies. So all their Poké Dollars come from the fans.
But, you know, independence is good, I respect that. And I know I have lots of fans, which you can become one @CandyCarterWins on Twitter. Candy like the treat because I’m sweet.
Okay, anyway, if you’re having fun tagging along on this Pokémon adventure with us, go to Patreon.com/20SidedStories and get a super cool Adventure Pass. It’s only $3. You get to hear seasons one and two and all sorts of other bonus episodes, with new ones added every month. I think Xander also has his own mini-show or something, but whatever.
Go to Patreon.com/20SidedStories. See ya! And don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @CandyCarterWins.
[Radio switches off. Music stops.]
Who’s That Pokémon? |
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Gyarados!
[Gyarados cry.]
The S.S. Dan - Part II |
[Cheerful music plays; S.S. Anne theme on piano. Someone whistles, patrons chatter in the background. The trio walk across a wood floor.]
Sage: Our trainers enter the S.S. Dan. Lots of sailors swearing and laughing.
Xander: [quiet] So that’s what that sign means.
Skip: [yells] Cedric! Hey! Over here, Cedric!
Cedric: [slow] Is that my… Oh ho!
Xander: [whispers] Holy shit, how old is this guy?
Cedric: Little bro!
Candace: [whispers] He’s got a babyface, though.
Skip: Dude!
Xander: [whispers] He sounds like—
Skip: Check it out!
Xander: [whispers] Like what I imagine a—
Cedric: What is a dork like you doing here?
[Candace chuckles.]
Xander: He’s like what a tree sounds like.
Skip: [quiet] Shut up, man.
Candace: Did he just call you a “dork”?
Skip: That’s our- that’s our word. You can’t use it.
[Candace snickers.]
Cedric: Aw, you and your nerdy little hat.
Skip: Forget about the hat! Check out this!
Cedric: Still wearing it—
Skip: Dratini!
[Dratini trills.]
Cedric: Bro.
Skip: Yeah!
Cedric: Skip, where did you get a Dratini?
Skip: I caught it in the water.
Cedric: Even your Businessman brother can’t seem to get his hands on that without buying one from the Celadon Game Corner. But they’re all outta those, nowadays.
Candace: Well, that’s because you’re not a good Pokémon trainer. You’re just a boring Businessman.
Cedric: Alright, who’s this little shit?
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Skip: Cedric—
Candace: [loud] My name is Candace Carter, thank you very much.
Cedric: Is this your girlfriend?
Skip: No.
Candace: Ewww! Gross.
Skip: Yeah, I know, right? I’m into Klara.
Candace: And Nurse Joy.
Cedric: Still? Little bro. And you haven’t—
Skip: And this is Xander.
Xander: [quiet] Hi. Do you have a bathroom?
Cedric: Oh, we usually just go off the edge.
Xander: Where’s that?
Cedric: Uh—
Skip: Any direction.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Xander: Alright, see you guys in a little bit.
Cedric: Yeah, just go out that door there.
Xander: [quiet] Alright.
[Music fades out.]
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Can you roll me Swiftness?
Travis: Slips.
[Dice roll on table.]
[Failure chime.]
Shit.
Jessica: Oh, no.
Sage: Ooo, failure.
Travis: Yeah.
Sage: So, you go out the front door and…
[Devious music plays on surf guitars, similar to the Rival theme. The door clicks open and Xander walks into the hallway. A thud is heard as he bumps into someone.]
Man: [groans] Hey! Watch where you’re going!
Sage: You are chest-to-chest with this guy in a purple, baggy shirt with this hair that’s kinda spiky, kinda red, kinda brown. He looks like an asshole and furthermore, a little shit.
Xander: Sorry, sorry. I just tryin’ to find the bathroom.
Man: The bathroom? We just go over the side here.
Xander: Uh, uh, yeah. I- I got that. Hi, uh, sorry.
Man: Do you talk to everybody on your way to the bathroom, little kid?
Xander: Uh, n-no I just- I just ran- I’m sorry.
Man: Yeah, you are. You don’t know who you’re talkin’ to, do you?
Xander: Uh, no. I do not. I- I have no idea who you—
Blue: I’m Blue the [mumbles] ex [normal] Champion of the Kanto League!
Xander: What was that part in the middle?
[Beat.]
Blue: Nothing!
[Beat.]
[Music fades out.]
[Chatter and laughter from patrons in the background.]
Cedric: So you tellin’ me, little bro, that you think you have what it takes to beat the Pokémon League?
Skip: Well, I mean not at this moment but Dratini and I, plus team—
Candace: That—
Cedric: [sneezes] Sorry. I’m just allergic to bullshit.
Candace: You just interrupted my interjection!
Cedric: Uh—
Skip: And my monologue.
Cedric: Little bro. You’re what fourteen, fifteen now? Look, the Pokémon world is just moving too fast for a kid like you. Give it a couple more years.
Skip: What kinda Pokémon do you have?
Cedric: I have a level 55 Cloyster. Caught it when we were out on a cruise here, couple weeks ago. Oh, not to mention my Ice Vulpix I caught in Alola.
Candace: [awed] What? You have an Ice Vulpix?
Cedric: That’s right.
Skip: Don’t be too impressed. He probably bought them.
Candace: Well—
Cedric: I bought the Cloyster.
Skip: Yeah. Caught it with money.
Candace: I have a Vulpix. A fire Vulpix.
Cedric: [scoffs] That’s so 1995.
Candace: Uh, what? Excuse me, my aunt Clair- have you heard of Clair Carter?
Cedric: This Ice Vulpix goes for about ₽3 million a pop. It’s a pretty rare Pokémon. You’re regular fire Vulpix, eh, you’d be lucky to score about ₽200 trading her.
Candace: Is this a challenge for a fight?
Cedric: No, it’s not. We do not fight on my boat.
Skip: He also doesn’t use his Pokémon to fight because he doesn’t know how to control them.
[Running footsteps approach.]
Little Shit Zach: Hey, hey!
[Rival entrance music.]
[pants] Uh, uh. What’re you doing here?
Candace: Oh god!
Skip: Zach?
Little Shit Zach: Yeah!
Candace: You smell disgusting!
Little Shit Zach: I’m just here to see my cool uncle, Blue, ’cause I heard he’s on the ship.
Skip: Well, check out my cool older brother, Cedric.
Cedric: What’s up?
Candace: Man, I wish my aunt was here. Y’all would be sooo stunned by her beauty and talent.
Skip: It’s okay! We’re here. Well, I- I’m here. Xander’s somewhere around here.
[Rival guitar music resumes.]
Xander: I don’t wanna fight you!
Blue: I’m just saying, if you’re serious about this Pokémon League thing—
Xander: [quiet] God, I—
Blue: —the best thing you can do to challenge yourself would be to challenge the [mumbles] ex [normally] Champion of the Kanto League.
Xander: I- I’m just traveling with some people that are gonna go do that. I- I caught a- a Pok—
[A door opens. Rapid footsteps approach.]
Little Shit Zach: Blue, Blue! Uncle Blue! Hey!
Blue: Oh, this shit again.
Candace: Oh, Xander.
Xander: Oh, this shit again.
Little Shit Zach: Shut up, only he can call me that.
Xander: What?
Little Shit Zach: Yeah, nerd. Ain’t that right, Uncle Blue?
Blue: Yeah.
Little Shit Zach: ’Cause you’re the ex-P- uh, you’re the leader of the Pokémon League.
Blue: Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh.
Little Shit Zach: [whispers] Do you still say the “ex” or did you beat Red yet?
Xander: He still says the “ex”.
Blue: [shushes] Shut your fuck—
Xander: [quiet] Still says the “ex”. He says the “ex”.
Candace: Oh, so you’re Blue?
Blue: Yes.
Xander: Hey, guys.
Blue: I’m Blue.
Candace: Yeah. My aunt defeated you, and now she’s the Gym Leader of Viridian City.
Blue: [laughs mockingly] That’s real funny. That’s- that’s real cool.
Candace: Yeah. You’re a failure!
Xander: Wow.
Blue: [laughs mockingly] Fuck you, kid. You wanna fight? Is that what you want?
Candace: [yells] Yeah, I do!
Blue: Cedric, I’m gonna fight on your boat.
[Cedric and Skip approach.]
Little Shit Zach: Hey, hey, hey! Yeah! Kick their ass!
Blue: I’ll do it.
Cedric: Oh, is there a fight going on in my boat?
Skip: Whoa!
Candace: You bet there is!
Xander: [quiet] We don’t know yet.
Skip: Is that Blue?
Blue: You listen here, you upstart child.
Skip: Hey, man. You look like you’ve been outta shape for a while.
[Beat.]
[Music quiets. Drums slowly pound.]
Blue: [forced calm] I’m sorry. I didn’t hear that. I’m gonna pretend—
Skip: [yells] I said, “You look like you’ve been outta shape for a while”!
[Music intensifies.]
[Xander frantically repeats “stop” in the background.]
Candace: [yells] You’re fat and lazy!
Blue: [shouts] I’m gonna battle you! I’m going to battle you so hard. Cedric, I’m fighting children on your boat.
Cedric: N-now hold on, here. What level is your Arcanine?
Skip: Candace, get ready for attack!
Cedric: No, hey! [yells] Listen to me! [echoes]
[Music stops.]
[Beat.]
Candace: Whoa.
Cedric: Children.
Candace: The tree’s talking and yelling at us.
Xander: Shhhhh! [whispers] Shut up.
[Drum beat resumes.]
Cedric: There will be no fighting on the S.S. Dan. We have a next stop to the Hoenn region and we’re gonna depart very shortly. All you little shits please get off my boat, except for Blue, ’cause we have some business to attend to. Some very top-secret business.
Xander: You see anybody steal any bikes?
[Music stops. Beat.]
Cedric: No.
Xander: Alright. Let’s go.
[Music resumes.]
Skip: We did our civic duty.
Xander: We did.
Skip: Good to see you, Bro!
Candace: [shouts] Suck it, Blue! Hasbeen!
Little Shit Zach: [shouts] Suck it, uh—
Candace: [louder] You shut up, you little shithead!
Little Shit Zach: Ah, shut up!
Candace: I’ll tackle you!
Little Shit Zach: No!
Candace: I’ve got Brawn!
Little Shit Zach: Prove it!
Candace: Okay!
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Skip: Candace!
Little Shit Zach: No, no, don’t do that. Don’t do—
[Sage stifles laughter.]
[Stat test chime.]
[Dice roll on table.]
[Net chime.]
[Jessica cries out in victory, but quickly switches to a worried groan.]
Sage: Candace runs at the Little Shit and he dodges outta the way, but it puts him in a worse position and he falls off the deck into the water. [stifles laughter]
[Candace cackles.]
Xander: [horrified] Oh no!
Little Shit Zach: [distant] Help, help!
Skip: Alright, let’s go, guys!
Candace: Bye!
Blue: Nephew Zach, I got you, dude!
[Blue runs to the edge of the ship.]
Sage: And the trainers depart the S.S. Dan.
[Song ends.]
[The trio walk down the hallway.]
Xander: I never peed.
Sage: There is a hallway full of rooms on your way out.
Xander: Look, let’s just keep going.
Candace: Why don’t we knock on every door and see what happens?
Xander: That’s- that’s not—
Candace: [yells] Too late!
Xander: We have- No.
[Loud, obnoxious knocking.]
Candace: [yells] Knock, knock, knock, knock!
Xander: Why are you knocking so much?
Sage: Couple of sailors open the door and say, “Shut the fuck up, I’m tryin’ to nap!”, “Shut the fuck up, it’s annoying”.
Skip: Wow, these guys all have real bad mouths.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Candace, can you roll me Luck?
[Dice roll on table.]
[Hidden Power chime.]
Alright, you knock so hard, using your Hidden Power Brawn, that you knock the door down. It’s an empty room but it’s very nice.
Candace: [quiet] Whoa.
Sage: It looks bigger than you would have expected looking at it from the outside.
[Suspenseful music.]
Candace: This is like a magical room, guys.
Xander: Candace, did you just punch that door down?
Candace: [stifles laughter] Yes I did, okay? What else is new?
[They walk inside, padding across the carpet.]
Sage: Looking inside, you see on the cabinet next to the bed, what’d they call that? A nightstand?
Candace: Yeah.
[Stifled laughter.]
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Can you roll me Smarts, please?
[Dice roll on table.]
[Success chime.]
Critical success.
Greg: Super effective.
Sage: Candace recognizes a dark, uniform-like shirt with a red R on it.
[Dangerous music starts with a pounding, low heartbeat.]
Candace: [quiet elation] Guys.
Skip: Candace, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.
Candace: [quiet elation] Oh, it’s even better than a ghost!
Skip: What is it, Can?
Candace: [slow] This is the uniform of Team Rocket.
Skip: [shouts] What?
Candace: Yeah. They’re on the boat and we’re gonna find ’em and beat ’em and then—
[Music stops. A suspenseful heartbeat throughout.]
Xander: Or, or, or. Or. We tell someone—anyone—else with some modicum of authority and we leave. We could leave. We could go. We don’t have to try to take on a—if this is what this is—we don’t have to try to take on a crime syndicate. We could tell his older brother. It’s his boat!
Skip: Wait. What if—
Xander: That sounds like a great idea!
Skip: What if my older brother…is a member?
Xander: What? How did you come to that conclusion? [stifles laughter]
[Music suddenly stabs!]
Cedric: Little bro!
Skip: Oh, what’s up, big bro?
Candace: [startled] I’m a lamp!
[Beat.]
[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]
Sage: [amused; slow] Are you gonna try to hide as the lamp?
Jessica: [stifles laughter] Yes!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Then you need to roll me Swiftness.
Travis: Oh, we’re doin’ this. ’Kay.
[Dice roll on table.]
[Success chime.]
[Jessica chuckles in surprise.]
Sage: Alright, critical success. Candace looks just like a lamp.
[Candace puts a lampshade on her head and stands stiff. She chuckles conspiratorially.]
[Danger music resumes.]
Cedric: Little bro!
Skip: Hey, what’s up, man?
Cedric: What are you doing going through that room, little bro?
Xander: [fast] Door fell down.
Skip: Door fell down.
[Beat.]
Cedric: You didn’t find anything interesting in that room, did you?
Skip: Man, I’m scared of lookin’ through things.
Cedric: That’s good. That’s prob’ly best. Hey, hey—
Skip: Who’s room is this?
Cedric: Oh, uh, Prob’ly one of the sailor’s rooms.
Skip: [nervous] Okay.
Cedric: One of the richer ones. Hey, little bro. You’re tryin’ to beat the Elite Four, right?
[Danger music intensifies.]
Skip: Eventually.
Cedric: I have an idea. Did you know that Vermilion City has a gym?
[Beat.]
Skip: [slow] Yeah.
Cedric: I think it'd be a good idea if you went over there and got yourself a Thunder Badge.
Skip: [nervous] Okay.
Xander: That was kinda on the agenda, wasn’t it?
Skip: Yeah, that’s where we’re- we’re gonna go.
Cedric: We gotta depart the ship very soon, little bro.
[Beat.]
Skip: Oh, okay.
[Beat.]
Xander: Is it cold in here?
Candace: [whispers] I’m a lamp.
Xander: [whispers] Shut the fuck up.
[Stifled laughter.]
Skip: Well, I’m just gonna take this lamp, and we’re gonna go.
[Stat test chime.]
[Dice roll on table.]
[Music fades.]
Sage: Roll for Charisma. [chuckles]
[Dice roll on table.]
[Failure chime.]
[Laughter from everyone.]
Critical failure.
Greg: Hold on a second—
Cedric: No, no. Little bro, leave the lamp right there.
[Skip drops the “lamp”. Danger music resumes.]
Skip: I guess the lamp’s just gonna stay here for the entire cruise, then.
Candace: [chuckles] Oh, shit.
Xander: [whispers] What are we gaining by her hiding? I feel like he’d- I don’t think we’re—
Cedric: Little bro, I’m gonna go to the deck and the pi—
Skip: Big bro, I’m gonna go to Vermilion City.
Cedric: Alright, you have a good luck there. You do that.
[Music fades.]
Skip: [awkward] And you sail well.
[A beat passes. Cedric turns around and walks away. Suspenseful heartbeat throughout.]
Xander: Okay. Okay. S-Skip.
[Candance takes the lampshade off and tosses it aside.]
Candace: I’m not a lamp anymore! [pants]
Skip: Thank god, I can take you.
Xander: Can you remember a point in your life where your brother got hit in the head really fucking hard? Because that guy can’t make heads or tails of the English language.
Skip: Dawg, I’m just freakin’ out because [whispers] my brother’s a member of Team R-R-R—
Candace: [quiet] Yeah, he was hiding out the fact that the Team Rocket’s uniform was in here! Therefore, Team Rocket is staying in here!
Xander: Okay, look, that was wei- tha- he- he got weird, but I don’t think that means it’s, you know, it’s definitely Team Rocket in here. Like, what if it’s just like—
Candace: You- so glad you’re not a frickin’ detective—
Xander: ’Cause?
Candace: —because you are sucking right now. That totally means Team Rocket’s—
Skip: What’d we do? Do we sink the ship?
[Foghorn blows.]
Skip: Let’s go, guys! We have to get off this boat.
Xander: Gotta get off the boat. I don’t wanna go on a cruise! I can’t afford that.
Candace: Okay, guys! I’ve got a lighter! I’m gonna light this baby on fire!
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Xander: Nnno!
Skip: Do it!
Xander: We gotta—
Candace: I feel the urge!
Xander: No! We- we d- Nuh-uh! We burned down a forest—
Candace: I’m doin’ it! I’m doin’ it!
[Stat test chime.]
Travis: Ah, some checks here we go.
Jessica: Do I roll?
[Dice clatter as they’re shaken.]
Sage: You guys fighting each other?
Travis: Yes, we are.
Sage: Okay, first—
Greg: I’m assisting her. [laughs]
[Jessica chuckles.]
Sage: Okay, uh, you’re gonna—
[Foghorn blows.]
Okay...uh. [scoffs] Okay, fine. Everybody roll off.
Travis: Reached critical impasse.
[Dice roll on table.]
[Net chime.]
[Net chime.]
[Net chime.]
What the fuck!
Jessica: [laughs and claps] All nets.
Sage: [laughs] Everybody rolled nets.
[Lighter clicks multiple times. Foghorn blows multiple times.]
Candace: It’s not coming on. Ah, gosh.
Skip: Alright, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Xander: Let’s go!
Candace: [nervously] Okay.
[The trio run down the metal gangplank and across the road. Evil-sounding Team Rocket motif begins to build.]
Dammit, I really wanted to light that boat of fire!
Xander: That is so not okay. Like, I’m so not cool with that as a—
Skip: Can we find an Officer Jenny or something?
Xander: [shouts] That was my- Yes! Please!
Candace: Officer Jenny?
Xander: I don’t know where we’d find one, though. All she said was “find my cousin”.
Skip: Oh, here, let’s look at this city map.
[Music crescendos and fades out.]
Credits |
[Pokémon Main Theme plays throughout.]
Marlena Jean: Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.
Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren
Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner
And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves
With Additional Voices by Noah Sturtridge, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.
The original music from the Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda
With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.
Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves
Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard
Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe
Podcast Directed, Edited and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.
You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at
Sagegc.bandcamp.com
And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com
[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]
Dedication |
Sage: Hey everyone, Sage here.
Hope you’re enjoying the adventure so far. Last week was an awesome period of growth for the show, so thanks to all for spreading the word and connecting with us via Twitter and whatnot.
I wanted to take a moment to dedicate this episode to Unshō Ishizuka, the original Japanese voice of Professor Oak in the Pokémon anime.
Now, since I used to watch the English dub and overall just don’t really watch much anime, I didn’t get to grow up really appreciating this guy’s body of work enough, but I know that he was hugely impactful to a lot of people. So to Ishizuka, his family, and his fans you have our condolences.
Episode 6 - Rock Tunnel Trek will premier next Wednesday so be sure to hit that subscribe button if you haven’t already.
Thanks for listening and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later!
[Main Theme music crescendos and fades out.]