#14 - Blaine & Giovanni
20 Sided Stories
POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version
Episode 14 - Blaine & Giovanni!
Air Date: April 9, 2019
[Podcast Intro music throughout.]
Sage G.C.: This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.
The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.
[Intro crescendos.]
Jessica Dahlgren: Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.
[Intro fades out.]
Prologue |
[Tranquil, still music.]
Narrator: Last we left them, the Dream Police peacefully dreamt the night away with a long, warm, and cozy sleep in the Seafoam Islands. Though their journey is coming to an end, there is still much to do, finish, and learn. Deep down, they know this is their final rest before the home stretch past Pallet Town and through Victory Road.
Skip slowly opens his eyes to see two more eyes. Hidden behind wide spectacles and a white, poofy mustache.
[Music stops.]
Man: [fancy accent] Hello, little boy.
[Skip scampers back. Devious chiptune music starts.]
Skip: AHH!
Xander: AH!
Candace: Oh, god shut up!
Skip: Guys, stranger danger!
[Xander groans.]
Candace: Oh, ew!
Man: These caves are dangerous if you don't know what you're doing, where you're going, or what you're up to.
Xander: [groans] Oh, this guy’s so old.
Candace: Ugh, that's code word for, like, he's gonna do somethin’ real gross.
Xander: Uh, he looks…like a science guy.
Skip: Excuse me, sir.
Man: Yes?
Skip: Uh… Hi. My name is Skip of the Dream Police.
Man: The Dream Police?
Skip: You've heard of us?
Man: I have heard of you. I'm gettin’ my Courier News from my Pidgey that goes into town every once in a while. The mainland. I heard of the Viridian Forest getting burned down.
Candace: That wasn't us.
Man: A Game Corner getting a horrible gas leak.
Candace: That wasn't us.
Xander: No.
Man: Uh, I believe that whole Gym in Fuchsia City exploded.
Candace: That was us because we're epic.
Man: Not to mention numerous head-smashings and bleedings.
Candace: Definitely not me.
Xander: Fake news.
Candace: Fake news!
Skip: So we're good for one of those. The other one was probably Zach and Blue.
Candace: Yeah, those shitheads.
Xander: Or Team Rocket. Team…
Candace: You know the ones that smell like shit?
Man: Well, I was going to say—
Xander: ...Rocket.
Man: —if you burned down the entire Viridian Forest,[amused] I'd be half as smart as to give you my own Badge that I have from my own Gym.
Candace: [trying to not confess] Oh! Well- I- ummmm. I- you have—
Xander: Woah, what does that mean? Wait, hold on. Does that- [quiet] does that mean he's gonna give us or not? Just half as—
Skip: Yeah, wait, wait. Team huddle. Team huddle.
[Everyone shuffles close.]
Man: Oh, okay.
Skip: Guys, hey—
Xander: Half as smart-
[The Dream Police look over at the Man.]
No, not- not- [nervous chuckle]
Skip: No. You’re not on the team.
Man: What’s going on?
Candace: Are you part of the Dream Police? No. Get away.
[The Man shuffles away.]
Xander: Well, o—
Skip: Dream Police.
Xander: Okay.
Candace: Dream Police!
Skip: Team huddle.
Xander: M’kay.
[Episode Intro music.]
Episode 14 – Blaine & Giovanni |
[Awkward misadventure music.]
Skip: Hey, guys—
Xander: He said “half as smart as to give you my own badge”. Is this a riddle?
Skip: Yeah, does this mean there’s a Gym Badge in here?
Candace: That means double the- double the smarts means double the Badge?
Skip: No. No, you’re do- you’re doing too much math right now. I think it's just—
Xander: It’s a riddle, right? It's a riddle.
Candace: Multiply that and carry the four?
Skip: No, I think he's just got a Gym in here.
Candace: Uh…
Xander: Does math hurt you?
Candace: Let me ask.
[Clothes rustle.]
Excuse me. Did you just say that if we—
Man: Oh, am I involved in this now?
Candace: Uh, yeah.
Man: Okay.
Candace: Break of the Dream Police huddle.
Skip: Break!
Candace: Uh, Mr. Old Man Mustache.
Blaine: My name is Blaine.
[Light-hearted music; Pokemon Main Theme melody.]
Candace: Oh, Blaine! Okay, you’re Blaine…so, uh—
Blaine: Easy there, lady.
Candace: I- I got confused the other day. I thought I met you, but I didn't. But, now- it—
[Stifled laughter.]
Blaine: I would’ve remembered if I met someone—
Candace: It is- it—
Xander: We just woke up.
Candace: [mimics Blaine] It is a pleasure to meet you, Blaine.
Blaine: Oh, very nice to meet you too, madam.
Candace: I hope you know that—
Blaine: Let me shake you- your- let me- [McEuen stifles laughter] let me shake—
Xander: Hey, put her down!
[Stifled laughter.]
[Clothes rustle.]
Put her down!
Blaine: Let- let me—
[Candace groans as she’s shaken around.]
Xander: I don’t know where you’re from, mister, but this isn’t… Oh man, he’s really shakin’ up a storm!
Sage: [amused] This is how he does it out here in Seafoam Island.
Skip: We need to be respectful of different cultures.
Xander: You’re gonna get Shaken Candace Syndrome.
[Candace pushes Blaine and backs away.]
Candace: Okay, okay, um, what—
Blaine: You have to understand, I've gotten kind of, you know, uh, island crazy over the years.
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: Is that like stir crazy but—
Skip: Hey bud, um—
Blaine: Yes?
Skip: I mean Blaine.
Candace: I have a question.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Skip: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Candace: Why don’t you go Skip?
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Skip: You want me to leave?
Xander: [quiet] No…
Skip: No. Okay—
[Xander groans. Light-hearted music picks up.]
Hey, do you have- you said something about a Badge? Is this a Gym?
Blaine: Well, here's the thing. I had a gym on Cinnabar Island, but that whole thing's gone kaputs ever since it exploded.
Skip: [slow] Oh yeah.
Xander: [quiet] Oh god, that's right.
Skip: I was in my math class when I found out about that.
Candace: Yeah, I was in the library studying for, like, some exam my parents were on me about.
Xander: Were- were you here for that?
Blaine: Well, that's the funny thing. You see, I was experimenting digging deeper into the volcano, trying to expand my Gym, and wouldn't you know it, I went and did some crazy- something I regret. Both in my Gym and the Pokémon mentioned, boom. All- all you got left is a- is smoldering ash and volcanic glass.
Xander: Was anyone else on the island?
Blaine: Oh, a few hundred.
[McEuen stifles laughter.]
All dead.
Xander: Oh!
Blaine: Smoldering ashes. They look like they're praying now because of how- when bodies burn they kind of wither…[mumbles] and uh…
Skip: Are you hiding here?
Blaine: Hiding here? No, dear boy. This is where I- I have a freelance Gym. I'm still registered into the Pokémon registry as a Pokémon Gym Leader, I mean…
Xander: [whispers] Are there no repercussions for murder here? I'm so confused. It seems like nobody gives a shit who lives or dies.
Candace: Are you saying you want to murder somebody right now, Xander?
Xander: No, I’m not. No! I'm just—
Blaine: Easy, boy. Let me pull out my Japanese six-shooter.
[Backpack zips open. Gun cocks.]
Xander: AH! Not guns!
Candace: Um…
Xander: Okay!
Blaine: I-it’s alright.
Xander: [burps] I burp when I’m nervous. [burps]
Blaine: I’m not going to shoot you. I just like to have it out so people know who's in charge around here.
[Xander burps.]
Skip: What kinda Gym do you run?
Blaine: A Pokémon Gym.
Skip: What kind of Pokémon Gym do you run?
Blaine: Fire.
[Xander burps.]
Skip: Oooh.
Candace: Oooh.
Blaine: Oooh.
[Xander burps.]
Skip: Right here out of this ice cave?
Blaine: Exactly. Wouldn't you know it? You'd think it'd be an Ice Gym but no. [laughs]
Skip: I think it's a cool idea.
[Beat.]
Blaine: What?
Xander: [burps] Okay, it's…
[Laughter.]
Blaine: Are you nervous, boy?
Candace: Alright.
Xander: I’m okay now.
Candace: You gave some shitheads the Badges, so we're gonna get a Badge from you too.
Blaine: Easy there, lady. You seem a little hot-headed right now.
Candace: [mimics Blaine] Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
Xander: There were two guys that were really loud, that we saw on our way here.
Candace: Yeah, why did you give ’em a Badge?
Blaine: Oh, they answered my question.
[Candace gasps.]
Xander: What? So it was a riddle. It's a riddle!
Blaine: If you get any of the questions wrong, though, you have to battle me.
Candace: Oh.
Blaine: And then you have to earn your Gym Badge, the hard way.
Skip: We're good for that too, baby.
Candace: Yeah. Alright. Shoot us a question.
Blaine: Shoot you each a question, alright?
Candace: Each a question? So we get assigned one?
Blaine: What?
Candace: Is that the first riddle?
Blaine: No.
[Candace groans.]
You have to accept the challenge first.
Candace: I accept.
Blaine: Okay.
Skip: I accept.
Blaine: Okay.
[Beat.]
Candace: Xander.
[Beat. Xander burps.]
Blaine: I'll take that as a yes.
[Battle music begins!]
Sage: And we cut to Blaine's Gym. An elevated arena over boiling-hot bodies of magma and lava and the walls of the Gym extend all the way up to the ceiling of the cave, where you see more frozen stalactites and icicles hanging down above a very hot floor. It's a contrast between fire and ice.
Blaine: First question! You.
Skip: Hi, I'm Skip.
Blaine: Hello, Skip. I'm Blaine.
[Question chime.]
What does Pidgey evolve into?
Skip: Hmm…now, Xander used to have a Pidgey. Now he has a Pidgeot. It does evolve into a Pidgeot, but there's something that happens in between. A Pidgeotto!
[Correct answer chime.]
Blaine: Correct! Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. [chuckles] One down, two to go.
[Shoes scuff as Blaine turns.]
You, boy.
Xander: Yeah?
Blaine: Are you ready for your question?
Xander: [burps] I think so.
Candace: He's really nervous.
[Question chime.]
Blaine: Brock Harrison is the Pewter City Gym Leader. True or false?
[Beat. Music stops.]
Xander: [quiet] Is this a trick question?
Skip: Hey, man, I believe in you. You got this!
Xander: No, seriously. Is that the question?
Candace: That was what he said.
Blaine: I’m just gonna load my gun.
[Gun clicks.]
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Candace: Answer him.
Xander: True! True! It's true!
Blaine: Adda bing!
[Gun fires twice.]
Pew, pew!
Candace: OW! The bullets are bouncing everywhere.
Blaine: Yes, yes. Correct.
Xander: [quiet] That was a really easy question.
Blaine: Alright, trick question. I mean…
Candace: What?
Blaine: Number three!
Candace: Bring it on baby!
Blaine: Okay.
[Question chime.]
Who… Who is that fella standing in the shadows over there?
[A man grumbles and steps forward. Suspenseful music; a familiar pulse.]
Sage: He is wearing a very, very, very, very old dusty tuxedo with a red boutonniere in the pocket.
Drunk Man: But it is wilted.
Sage: But it is wilted. It is almost dead- It's- it’s dead. It's pretty much dead. He smells like alcohol. Most of his hair has gone away but you still see some little gray and dark-blackish kinda behind his ears. He's tall. He has wide shoulders and a very, very stern chin. And he stumbles right towards you guys.
[Drunk Man trembles quietly.]
Skip: Whoa, easy, buddy.
Drunk Man: Wh-what’s goin’ on?
Candace: What? I don’t- I don’t know if I’ve seen this man before.
Blaine: I'm going to finish loading my gun. Now, you have 10 seconds to answer truthfully and honestly.
Candace: Who this person is?
[Gun clicks. Music intensifies.]
Blaine: Yes.
Drunk Man: Are these…Pokémon trainers?
Blaine: Yeah.
Drunk Man: Ooo, delicious!
[Blaine chuckles.]
And I’m sure they have…maybe some valuable Pokémon on them?
Blaine: Easy, there. Easy.
Skip: Hey, back up dude! We're a team!
Drunk Man: Oh, a team of Pokémon trainers. Oh, and I bet they've got…Poké Balls full of wonderful lovely rare types Pokémon!
Candace: Uh… Is it the- the old leader of Team Rocket?
[Dramatic shift in music!]
Sage: Just like in the anime we see little slashes go across the eyes of all of our characters as they all epiphanize in unison.
Skip: OhhOH!
Candace: Oohhh!
Xander: Ahaaa!
Blaine: Oooohh!
Sage: He opens up his old tuxedo to reveal a red R that's kind of orange now.
Giovanni: That’s right, children. It is I, Giovanni!
Candace: [shouts] Oh my god, I knew it!
[Devious music fades out.]
Giovanni: Oh wait. You were supposed to answer that question in order to…
Candace: Well, I did!
Giovanni: Yeah, you—
Candace: You’re the old leader of Team Rocket, Giovanni!
Giovanni: Yeah, but, uh—
Blaine: You see, this is why we keep getting into battles, Giovanni. It’s because you keep on giving them the answers.
Giovanni: Well, god dang it, Blaine! I’m just tryin’ to get some rare Pokémon into my hands like old times sake!
Candace: What’re you, like, 109?
Giovanni: That’s enough outta you, missy!
Blaine: That’s closer to my age actually.
Candace: What are you, like, 209?
Giovanni: That’s enough outta you, missy!
Skip: Are you guys working together?
Blaine: I'm Blaine!
Skip: Yeah, are you working with Giovanni from Team Rocket?
Blaine: Well, we worked together in the past, yes. But I parted ways but then, you know. Things happened.
Xander: So is he just, like, crashing here, or…
Giovanni: Free cave, okay? Free cave!
Blaine: You can't own the cave, so we're owning it.
Giovanni: Free country. Free cave. My cave. Squatter’s rights!
Skip: Giovanni- can I call you Giovanni?
Giovanni: Sure.
Skip: Are you still a member of Team Rocket?
Giovanni: I am- I'm the- I'm the flame that keeps Team Rocket alive to- to…
Blaine: I- I thought I was the flame that kept—
Giovanni: Listen, Blaine the Pain. I'm the brains, you're the Blaine. Alright? You’re the Blaines of the operation, and you're just- you're screwing it up, Blaine! You keep doing this. Every time we get a visitor to the cave, you- you stick in the spokes. Stick in the spokes, Blaine! Keep on with your riddle contest.
Blaine: [glitches] I- I'm Blaine!
Skip: The riddle contest is over.
Giovanni: [glitches] G-god—
Skip: We got you figured out.
Giovanni: —dammit, Blaine!
Candace: Yeah, where's my Badge?
[Glitching static. Creepy music starts; Pokémon Mansion theme.]
Blaine: [staticy] tHIs iS tHe SeAfOAm Islands. [normal] Here, you can challenge me to a Gym Badge. Would you like to answer the questions?
Candace: We already did.
Giovanni: [staticy] That's enough outta you, missy! [normal] Now what we're gonna do is we're going to battle!
Candace: Uh… [badly pronounces] Excuse moi! We were—
[Laughter.]
Sage: [amused] I’m sorry. Fuckin’ what?
[Laughter.]
Candace: It’s French! Alright?
Xander: Guys, I think Candace is having a stroke. She’s so nervous!
Candace: Do you guys not know French?
Giovanni: That’s enough outta you, miss—
Candace: [shouts] You uncultured swine! Listen up, buddy!
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
You told us if we answered the three questions correctly, we would get the Badge! And we did! So give me. That. Badge!
Blaine: Oh, you want this Badge?
[Blaine shoves it in his mouth.]
Gulp!
[Laughter.]
Candace: Alright, that’s it!
Xander: [yells] Did he just eat it?
Skip: Candace!
[Battle music begins.]
Sage: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
[Giovanni cackles.]
[Stat test chime.]
Blaine, can you roll for Nerve?
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Success chime.]
Success. No question. Just swallows it. Doesn't go down well, but he's holding it together.
Candace: Big. Mistake.
Skip: Candace, Sucker Punch! Go!
[Air swishes as Candace swings.]
Candace: Right in the gut!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Okay. Roll for Brawn.
[Candace charges at Blaine.]
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Failure chime.]
Jessica: [worried] Oh.
Travis: Oh shit.
Sage: Critical failure. Candace swings her uppercut towards Blaine. But he—even though he's an old man, and he's got a lot of white hair—he's still- he's still on his toes. He's still got the flames goin’.
Blaine: Five backflips.
[Laughter.]
With my cane!
Sage: Into a cartwheel and a jumping jack!
Candace: [shocked] And somersault with heavy panting?
Sage: And though Blaine is fine, Candace has a force behind her fists that can't be slowed down. And she tumbles off the edge into the lava!
Xander: Whoa!
Candace: Aaaaaahh!
Skip: NO!
Xander: Pidgeot, go!
[Xander throws a Poke Ball. A whoosh is heard as Ramona exits.]
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Roll for Effectiveness to see if Ramona can catch Candace in time before she falls into the magma.
[Success chime.]
Success. Pidgeot knows what to do in an instant with Keen Eye ability.
[Ramona cries out.]
She swoops down towards Candace and, just in the nick of time, is able to catch her before she falls into the lava!
Candace: Oh! Ramona, thank you.
Sage: And very gently drops her back down towards the Gym battleground.
[Candace gasps for breath.]
Giovanni: Good lord, it’s a Pidgeot! Oh, what I couldn't do with one of them.
Xander: Hey!
Giovanni: To add to my menagerie- WHAT?
Xander: Bu- That’s mine!
Giovanni: That’s enough outta you, mister! This is going to be my Pidgeot.
Xander: No!
Giovanni: Yes! I- I- I rather think so. Blaine!
Blaine: Yeah?
Giovanni: Do that voodoo that you do, skoodoo.
[Rumbling is heard.]
Xander: Oh, shit. He’s glowing!
[McEuen stifles laughter.]
Blaine: I’m evolving.
[Stifled laughter.]
Sage: Blaine’s really wispy white hair turns orange, and his little tiny bowler hat flies off.
Blaine: Pew!
Candace: Does he have little hands and white around his eyes?
Sage: No, no, no. He's just an old man with red hair now.
Blaine: And a gun!
Giovanni: Use the gun on these children!
[Candace gasps.]
Take their animals!
Candace: What?
[Whoosh into Skip’s mind.]
Skip: [thoughts echo] Okay, Skip, this is your moment. Don't mess this up. Grab that rock right next to you. Good job, buddy. You're doing it. Now, use all of your Pokémon training might, and throw that rock at that stalactite, and knock the gun out of his hand.
[Stat test chime.]
Who’s That Pokémon? |
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?
[Pokémon cry.]
[Pokémon cry.]
AD BREAK |
[Radio switches on. Safari Zone battle music.]
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[Radio switches off. Music stops.]
Who’s That Pokémon? |
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Charizard!
[Charizard cry.]
Blaine & Giovanni – Part II |
[Magma boils. Suspenseful music.]
[Stat test chime.]
[Failure chime.]
Sage: Failure. Skip grabs the rock and then drops it immediately. [chuckles]
[Music stops.]
[Giovanni cackles.]
Xander: What are you tryin’a do? What was that about?
Skip: Why were you guys watching me?
Giovanni: We were kinda- want- waitin’ to see how that played out, but it looks like you're a little too stoned to get that little maneuver off the ground.
Blaine: Oh!
[Battle music picks up again.]
Candace: Alright. [she-hulk voice] I’ve had just about enough o’ this!
Blaine: Wanna wrastle? Let’s wrastle!
Skip: Candace, Wrestle!
[Candace roars.]
Sage: God. Candace, use Brawn.
[Stat test chime.]
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Success chime.]
Success. She tackles Blaine to the ground.
Blaine: Oh!
[Thud!]
Sage: The old man hits his hip a little bit. It hurts. But because he evolved into his fire mode, he's still there. He's- he's ready. He's just gonna chill.
[Rimshot.]
[Gentle Team Rocket theme.]
And then from behind…you hear the sound of a very, very old cat.
Giovanni: Yeah, I'm used to solving my problems like a man. With animals! Pokémon, that is! Come on, Persian, come out here!
[Persian meows pitifully.]
Come on Persian. Limp on over here, baby.
Xander: Whoa, he doesn’t look good.
[Persian meows pitifully.]
Giovanni: No, it’s just mange. He’s fine.
Xander: [nervous chuckle] Oh no.
Giovanni: Come on, Persian, get over here. Stop licking yourself, Persian.
Xander: He looks like he was already buried with an Egyptian king.
Giovanni: That’s enough outta you, mister! Come on Persian. We’re gonna give him what fer.
[Persian yowls pitifully.]
Your days are numbered, Scream Police.
[Persian yowls in agreement.]
Candace: It’s Dream Police!
[Battle music!]
Ninetales, go!
[Pixie the Ninetales exits her Poké Ball.]
Alright, Pixie, let's try something new for size. Giga Impact, go!
[Pixie charges and smashes into Persian.]
Giovanni: Oh no, Persian, avoid that a cat- attack and give ’im a good ol’ taste of the Double Team!
[Persian blurs around the stadium.]
Xander: Ugh. He’s moving so fast for how very, very, old it is!
Sage: There are, like, six old cats, now. Just- [stifles laugh]
Xander: Ugh. It’s like the- it’s like the- it’s like the back alley with a- with a Chinese restaurant or something by the dumpster. Gods, who put the leftovers out?
[Giovanni starts singing. Blaine and Xander join in.]
Giovanni: [sings] Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be a cat!
Xander: [sings] Everybody!
[Laughter.]
Candace: Alright, I normally don’t like to beat up some cats, but your owner’s a real dick! Alright, Pixie. Will-O-Wisp!
[Purple flames shoot at Persian. Persian yowls in pain.]
Giovanni: Oh no, my Persian was Burned! Oh no, come on, Persian, let’s do this.
Xander: Oh, his fur’s on fire.
Giovanni: Body Slam!
Xander: Oh, he’s charging right for him!
[Persian charges Pixie.]
Candace: Oh, look out, Pixie! Look out!
[Persian slams into Pixie, knocking her back. Xander and Candace groan and Pixie yelps.]
Okay, she barely got him. Alright, that's it. We're gonna do Ember, Pixie! Old school!
[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]
Giovanni: Persian, Roar your way outta there, baby.
[Persian roars. Pixie returns to her Poké Ball.]
Switch out the way- I meant to do that.
Sage: Because of the Persian’s Roar, Pixie is forced out of the battle.
Candace: Alright, fine! Debbie will be just as great!
[Abra KaDebra exits her Poké Ball and cries out.]
Abra KaDebra: [psychic voice] Hua! My name is Debbie!
Candace: Okay, Debbie. Psybeam!
[A dark hum builds and Psybeam shoots forward.]
Oh, gosh, I missed!
Xander: Ah, it missed!
Giovanni: Alright, Persian. Keep Body Slamin’ ’er. Give ’er a taste of this pussy.
[Persian cries out. Multiple thuds are heard. Abra KaDebra grunts.]
Candace: Oh, keep that language in your pants!
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Xander: The Persian’s still getting hurt by its fur. It's on fire.
Candace: Yeah. Alright. That's right! You may have gotten Pixie outta this race but she still laughs! Debbie, finish it off. Flash! No! Just kidding. Psybeam!
[Another whoosh! Persian grunts as the attack lands.]
Skip: Whoa!
Giovanni: No! No!
Candace: That’s right, mother trucker!
Sage: An echoing light shatters a bunch of black. It’s as if without even physical matter. Energy just starts rumbling the cave as Kadabra’s Psybeam just implodes the Persian. It turns into this—
Travis: Oh! Fuckin’ Inception.
Giovanni: I’ve had that Persian for over ten years!
Sage: Smaller and smaller until the Persian just disappears into nothing.
[Music cuts off.]
Giovanni: No!
Candace: You've never met Candace Carter, and you'll remember her for the rest of your life, which will only be a couple days!
Xander: Can- Candace, Candace. You just- you just- you fucking murdered that Pokémon.
[Beat. Giovanni starts crying.]
It’s gone. You just sent it- you just sent that to the—
Candace: That Pokémon was a part of Team Rocket and it deserved to die!
Xander: It went to the shadow realm.
Giovanni: [cries] It was my only friend in the cave! My Persian got euthanized! [sobs]
Skip: Well, guess what, Giovanni!
Xander: You- I feel bad.
Skip: You just ran into three Pokémon trainers who won't stop for anything. We don't care if you're the leader of the most devastating team of ne’er-do-wells. We're a force for good that cannot be vanquished. Dream Police!
[Skip and Candace run into position.]
Cartwheel!
Candace: Somersault! Heavy panting!
[Xander groans as he poses. Dream Police chime!]
Sage: Blaine is shocked and coughs up the Badge.
[Blaine coughs. Gentle chimes as the Badge shimmers in Blaine's hand.]
Candace: I’ll take that!
Blaine: Or will you?
Sage: But!
[Suspenseful music.]
Two familiar faces come in. Skip recognizes one of them as his brother Cedric. And the rest of our party recognizes the other as the little shit… No, big shit. Blue. Without Zach.
[Steady danger music.]
Cedric: Oh, what's going on here, little bro? Did you make it all the way to Blaine?
Skip: Yeah. And you- hey, Blue, where's Zach?
Blue: I have some important business to attend to here. Zach doesn't need to be here for this.
Skip: So is he just off on his own?
Cedric: He's training somewhere. Blue’s got that handled and you don't need to worry about it, little bro.
Xander: You guys having, like, a creepy adult party or somethin’?
Giovanni: All adult parties are creepy, kid. All of ’em.
Blue: [mumbles] I can’t believe I signed up for this.
Candace: That’s sure true.
Cedric: Now, little bro. You wouldn't happen to know about—
Xander: [mumbles] God, I hate that voice.
Cedric: I'm sorry. What did you say?
Candace: [loud; slow] He said he hates your voice. And I second that!
[Xander frantically shushes her.]
Xander: [mumbles] We don’t- we don’t need to do this. This nihilistic—
Cedric: Oh, that's just funny. You hate my voice—
Xander: [mumbles] I don’t-
Cedric: —but I've only heard your voice about one fuckin’ time!
Xander: [mumbles] Maybe. Okay.
Candace: [whisper] This—
Cedric: Because you don't have the wherewithal—
Candace: This is your—
Xander: [mumbles] Okay.
Cedric: —or the balls to even open that mouth of yours!
Candace: This is your time, Xander.
Xander: [mumbles] Okay.
Candace: Do it, Xander. Do it, Xander. Do it, Xander!
Xander: [mumbles] I don’t- I don’t wanna co—
Candace: Unleash! Unleash, Xander! Unleash!
Xander: [quiet] Unleash what? I don’t understa- what does that mean?
Candace: He’s eggin’ you on. Unleash!
Xander: [quiet] I’m not—
[Cedric lets out a derisive snort.]
Candace: Evolve!
Cedric: That’s what I thought.
[Xander sighs anxiously.]
Candace: [exasperated] Oh my god. Xander.
Cedric: Little bro!
Skip: Yeah, bro. What's up?
Cedric: You wouldn't happen to know anything about the words Poké Petco would you?
Skip: We did hear something about Poké Petco.
Cedric: God dammit, Blue. How did you let this happen?
Blue: I… I don't even know anymore.
Candace: Um, ’cause he sucks.
Cedric: You’re supposed to be training their rivals so that they don't understand stuff like this and that they don't run into anything.
Blue: [irked] I get that.
Xander: Dude, we've run into pretty much everything at this point.
Skip: Bro.
Xander: We just sent a cat to the shadow realm!
Skip: Bro.
Cedric: Eh, he’ll be back. Unless Giratina eats it.
Skip: Bro!
Cedric: What do you want, little bro?
[Beat.]
Skip: Are you a part of Team Rocket?
[Rivals all groan in uncertainty.]
Xander: That means yes! That’s yes! That means yes!
Cedric: No, it’s a lot more complicated than that.
Xander: Uh-uh. That means yes!
Cedric: Listen—
Skip: Bro!
Cedric: [irked] What?
Skip: I don't care if it's complicated. Why?
Cedric: Little bro, money is what makes the world go round. You know who had the most amount of money back in the day?
Skip: The Carters?
Xander: Banks.
Cedric: N-no, the Carters are doin’ pretty well, but not as well as—
Xander: U.S. mail.
Cedric: [irked] No. Fuckin’ Team Rocket.
Xander: Oh.
[Giovanni steps forward.]
Giovanni: You see Skip, your brother needed a little bit more than you and your little Poké Pals could offer. You and your little- what is this? Dream Pa-Queef?
Xander: Wow…
Giovanni: Why don’t you join our side, Skip? We've got the resources that your little toddler friends don't have, and you'll be just like your brother.
Cedric: That's right, little [glitching static] Blu-u-u-u. That's right, little bro. [normal] You could be just like Trainer Blue. Or Trainer Red, I guess, if you wanna be the hero.
[Blaine chuckles.]
Skip: Yeah—
Blue: [mumbles] Oh my god. I hate you so much.
Giovanni: Imagine being able to defeat any opponent you ran into.
Skip: Cedric… I would never wanna be like Trainer Blue.
Xander: Yeah, he's kind of a washed-up asshole.
[Blue groans in irritation.]
Candace: Yeah, he smells like a dick hole.
Xander: That was not a good example.
Blue: [mumbles] Just keep cool. Patience. It’s all gonna be—
Xander: He's like that guy that plays Magic the Gathering in like- like 2014.
Blue: I'm gonna commit a crime.
[Travis chuckles.]
I'm gonna kill a child. I'm gonna kill a child.
Cedric: Now, now. Hold on, Trainer Blue. We still have a lot of plans to unfold.
Blue: Why the fuck do you keep callin’ me “Trainer Blue”?
Cedric: That’s what everybody knows you as. If I just call you “Blue” it sounds like- like—
Candace: Who’s got the clue? Blue’s Clues!
Cedric: Who names their kid Blue?
Xander: I’m sorry, what?
Giovanni: Blue- yeah, “Blue” is a dog name, man.
Candace: Yeah. He's got, like, blue footprint- uh, pawprints that go all up—
Cedric: No, no. That’s what I’m saying. If I were to just call him “Blue” it sounds like I—
Candace: Yeah, we’re agreeing with you. God, I can’t believe I agree with a—
Cedric: It sounds like a bad- if I add “Trainer”, it’s more like a class thing.
Candace: Oh, shut uuup!
Blaine: I'm Blaine!
[Stifled laughter.]
Sage: And then as if, out of nowhere, an old man in a lab coat just appears right in front of everyone.
[Glitching static.]
Giovanni: There’s a lotta old men in this cave.
Candace: Please, for our sake—
Xander: Are we just like…
Candace: —tell me that’s Professor Oak and he’s normal again!
Xander: Who—
[Professor Oak lets out a startled screech. Xander groans.]
Candace: Well, it seems like I was half right.
Professor Oak: [glitching] Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon!
Xander: Jesus Christ, this is like fuckin’ Coachella for senile assholes.
Professor Oak: Welcome to the wonderful world of- Welcome to the wonderful world of- Welcome to the wonderful world of—
[Chaotic shouting.]
Blaine: I’m Blaine!
Candace: I gotta slap ’em!
Blaine: I’m Blaine!
Professor Oak: [glitching intensifies] Welcome to the wonderful world of- Welcome to the wonderful world of—
Blue: [yells] Gramps!
Sage: He disappears into thin air.
[A static wind blows. Everyone quiets. A beat passes.]
Cedric: Blue, what do they know?
Blue: I don't think they know anything.
Cedric: Good. We're gonna keep it that way.
Skip: Brother—
Cedric: Blaine!
Candace: What's up with Nurse Joy?
[Creepy music; Lavender Town Reprise begins.]
Cedric: Blaine?
Candace: Nurse Joy!
Xander: [worried] What’s happening?
Cedric: Blaine if you want your stocks to keep comin’ in, you want food, you want those lovely, lovely, lovely bars of protein I’ve been sendin’ you?
Xander: [quiet] I thought he was gonna say “ladies”.
Candace: I thought I was gonna say “lovely balls”.
Giovanni: That's enough outta you, missy!
Cedric: Then you better battle these trainers right now and show them who's boss. If they beat you, that means they're gonna have to fight in Viridian City. Wait, did you get all the Badges?
Xander: Sure.
Blaine: I'm the last one before Viridian.
Cedric: Alright. Blue.
Blaine: Wait, did you get all the Badges?
Xander: YES!
Giovanni: God dammit, Blaine!
Cedric: Fly us out of here.
Blue: [weary] Sure. Yeah, okay.
[He pulls a Poké Ball off his belt.]
I just wanna get outta here.
[A Pidgeot exits its Poké Ball and squawks.]
Skip: Bro, wait!
Candace: Let’s go after them!
[Cedric and Blue hold on to Pidgeot as it flies off. The Dream Police chase after them. Everyone stops just outside the Gym chamber.]
Cedric: There are things you don’t understand. Things that are much bigger than you, little bro.
Candace: Hey! Where's my Aunt Clair?
[Music stops. Beat.]
Cedric: Your Aunt Clair is dead.
Credits |
[A loud drum fill pounds. Metal guitars crash in; Lavender Town Theme reprises in full.]
Marlena Jean: Thanks for tuning in. This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.
Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren
Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner
And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves
With Additional Voices by David Michmerhuizen, David McEuen, and Noah Sturtridge
The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda
With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.
Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves
Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard
Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe
Episode artwork by Marissa Bernstel
Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.
You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at
sagegc.bandcamp.com
And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com
[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]
[Music crescendos and fades out.]
|
Sage: Thanks for listening. If you wanna support the show for free, don’t forget, we’re on all the social media channels. Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter @20SidedStories. Only two episodes to go.