THE TWILIGHT SAGA
20 Sided Stories
THE TWILIGHT SPACE
The Twilight Saga
Air Date: October 14, 2020
[The Twilight Space intro music.]
Kristin Couture: 20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Summit Entertainment, nor any books or films in the Twilight Saga. Understood? Good.
Narrator: You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.
What better way to travel through the Twilight Zone— I mean Space, than to visit a Twilight all its own? This world is much like that on modern Earth. A living in which the mundane is many. But hidden in plain sight and on the edge of sunlight are creatures of power and seduction. This world belongs to the vampires, undead and living among us. Which brings us to the overcast state of Washington, USA.
[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]
Cast Introduction |
[20 Sided Stories music.]
Sage: Hello and Welcome to 20 Sided Stories. My name is Sage G.C. I am your narrator, Game Master, and director. And I am joined by my wonderful cohosts and your leading players.
Jessica: Jessica Dahlgren!
Travis: Travis Reaves.
Emily: Emily Ervolina.
David: And David Michmerhuizen.
Sage: [amused] We are going to enter the world of The Twilight Saga. Not The Twilight Zone [chuckles], The Twilight Saga. Twilight is a series of paranormal romance novels written by Stephanie Meyer, who allegedly sucks. And they were adapted into immensely popular movies. There were five of them and they made a lot of money, and they kind of alternate between being elongated soap operas and, like, supernatural action films. If it’s your jam, sick.
Uh, I watched all of them and I was sober for none of them.
Jessica: It’s highly recommended to be intoxicated while watching.
Sage: Oh yeah. It was a great time.
Jessica: It’s a lot of fun.
Sage: Yeah. So before we dive into the rules, let’s learn who our characters are.
Travis: I’m Travis, and I will be playing [“Lukas” accent] Lukas. In my human life, I fought for the allied front in World War I. I was killed the day after the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, June 29th, 1919. That’s when I was turned.
Since then I’ve been wandering the world, and eventually found my way into this coven that I live with now. I’m extremely attractive. And anything I want, I feel should be mine.
Emily: Hello! I’m Emily and I will be playing Roxanne, a Polish immigrant who came to Boston in the, uh, early 1900s. Uh, and tragically died in the [amused] great molasses flood of 1919 [snickers].
[Sage snickers.]
Which, for those of you who don’t know what the great molasses flood of 1919 is, it is when a big old vat of molasses—
[Sage snickers.]
—broke and it killed twenty-one people and injured 154.
Travis: [snickering] I’m—
Sage: [stifling laughter] God…
Emily: People died in molasses.
Sage: Never forget.
Emily: So [chuckles].
[Travis snickers.]
She was turned by the man she now considers father, who was in Boston at the time. And she’s been loyal to him ever since.
Jessica: I’m Jessica, and I will be playing Stephany Mayer.
[Sage and Emily stifle laughter.]
Travis: Boo!
Sage: Like John Mayer.
Jessica: Like John Mayer.
Sage: Yeah.
Jessica: But I’m not related to him.
Sage: Got’cha.
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Jessica: I’m just your everyday human girl in college. I’m way too pretty for my own good, and I don’t even know it. I’m too busy covering my beautiful face in a book. I’m just tryin’a be a studious college student in Washington.
David: Hi. I’m David, and I’ll be playing Luke and Roxanna’s dad.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
I love my kids.
[Sage and Emily chuckle.]
Sage: Great. [amused] All we need- all we need to know.
So I’ve designed a micro-system for us to play with called Emo Vampires. You listeners out there can check it out for yourself at sagegc.com/games, but here’s how it works.
Everyone has Gifts and Talents. Gifts are like a unique superpower and Talents are what help you overcome most obstacles. There are five. Strength, Speed, Savvy, Soul, and Stare. Most of them are pretty self-explanatory, but Stare is the special one.
If you’re ever not happy with your roll, you can give a look—
[Stare chime.]
—And roll a second die. The game uses one d6, 4 or higher being needed for success. So if that second Stare dice ends up higher than your initial roll, it’s bumped up a category and you succeed. But if it’s lower, it makes it much worse and becomes a horrid failure.
Risk and reward, it can hinder you or it can help you.
If the player’s vampire identity is found out, the vampire government will come in and snap off your necks and light you on fire. So don’t get caught.
Emily: [sarcastic] Yay!
Travis: Is there, like, a goal to the game or is it just—
Sage: Don’t get caught.
Travis: Oh. Okay. Great.
Sage: It- it ends when you get caught. Or if- until everyone’s bored [chuckles].
[Travis laughs.]
Travis: It ends when I fuckin’ get the girl.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Jessica: [amused] Pfft.
Emily: If you get the girl.
Jessica: Oooo.
Travis: Oooo. When I get the girl.
Sage: Alright—
Emily: [amused] It’s fuckin’ on.
Sage: Let’s dive in to the Twilight Saga.
[Everyone cheers.]
Travis: “Decode” by Paramore plays.
Jessica: “Supermassive Blackhole” plays.
Sage: [chuckles] Every song on the soundtrack plays in order.
Travis: At the same time!
[Sage and Emily chuckle. Sage claps in amusement.]
Sage: Alright. Here we go.
Narrator: It is time to cross into the secretive world of blood and wolves. Angst and passion. Love and pain. You are about to enter THE TWILIGHT SPACE: One-Shot #2 - The Twilight Saga.
[Music crescendos and fades.]
The Twilight Saga |
[Ominous music builds. A Man runs through the forest.]
Man: [frantic] No, please, please! I won’t say anything! I won’t say a word! Uh, nobody needs to know! My honest—
Lukas: The last time someone got away with that excuse, know what happens?
Roxanna: I ate him anyway.
Lukas: So there’s really no recourse here.
Man: [fearful] What do I gotta do? Anything…
Lukas: You don’t gotta do anything. You just—
Roxanna: [soothing] Shh. It’s okay.
Lukas: [soothing] It’s okay.
Man: [quiet] No. No, please.
Daddy Dracula: Just sit back and relax.
[Lukas whirls around.]
Lukas: [startled] Jesus Christ, Dad. How long have you been here?
Roxanna: [irked] Dad! I told you we could handle this.
[Lukas pants in startled annoyance.]
Daddy Dracula: I’m just so proud of you kids—
Lukas: I— [sighs]
Daddy Dracula: —and that they’ve come to the family business.
Lukas: But the sneaking. Oh god.
Daddy Dracula: I’m a vampire! What do you want?
[The Man moans in fear and bolts.]
Man: I’m out of here!
Lukas: [sighs] Threw me off my groove. Hold o— No. No!
[Lukas runs after him.]
You stay— Come ’ere!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Roll for Speed.
Daddy Dracula: You’re letting him get away.
Lukas: [irked] I’m on it, Dad!
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: 3.
[Failure chime.]
Daddy Dracula: Do you vant me to do it for you?
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Travis: Emily, what’s your character’s name, again?
Emily: Roxanna. But you can choose to call me something shorter if you would like [chuckles].
Travis: [snickers] Rox.
[Laughter.]
Emily: That’s right. I’m a pile o’ rocks.
Travis: Great.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Roxanna does that really quick vampire [makes swish noises] thing [chuckles].
Travis: [amused] The fuckin’ after-effects blur.
Sage: The after-effects lighter goes to maximum, minimum [chuckles]. A blur move and grabs this man. This poor moose farmer [chuckles].
Man: [tearful] Okay. Please! I’m sorry!
Lukas: Dammit, Rox, I wa- had that!
Daddy Dracula: Children, children! Stop playing wit’cha food.
[Roxanna hisses and chomps into the man’s neck. He screams and gurgles.]
Man: [weak] I told my wife.
Sage: And then he dies [chuckles].
David: Doh!
Roxanna: You wanna get in on this? Anybody?
Lukas: Save some for the vampire fishes, why don’t you? Move over.
[Lukas shoves Roxanna out of the way. She scoffs and Lukas bites the man’s neck.]
Roxanna: Dad? Are you hungry?
Daddy Dracula: Save me the liver.
[A Woman approaches in high heels.]
Woman: [distant] George? George?
Roxanna: [quiet] Fuck.
Daddy Dracula: Never mind. I think I’ve got a little meal of my own.
Woman: [distant] Husband, are you there?
Roxanna: [annoyed] We gotta move.
Lukas: Seriously. They keep moving in on our territory.
[Roxanna scoffs.]
Daddy Dracula: Ve can’t let her get avay. He says that he told her.
Roxanna: Alright, go get ’er, Dad.
Daddy Dracula: That’s enough out of you, missy.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Roll Speed.
[Dice roll on the table.]
David: 6.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Dope.
Woman: George? George?
[Daddy Dracula blurs up next to her and she screams.]
Daddy Dracula: [yelling] VAAaaaa!
[She screams louder.]
Daddy Dracula: Get over here. [laughs] Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Woman: Oh no! My husband told me there were vampires. I thought he was kidding.
Roxanna: [irked] Dad.
Woman: Are you wearing a costume, sir?
David: I kill ’er.
[Travis laughs.]
I just go with— I’m killing ’er.
[Daddy Dracula bites the woman’s neck and she gurgles.]
Lukas: [annoyed] God, he’s so old school about it. Like, nobody bites like that anymore!
Sage: And, on her deathbed, she lists off everybody she told [chuckles].
Woman: I told my aunt, Jenny. I told my cousin, Louis. I told the neighbor and his dog!
Lukas: God…
Woman: I told the grocery clerk, Clark.
[She makes a fart noise and collapses.]
Roxanna: I think it’s time for plan B.
Daddy Dracula: Children, we have to flee town. Everybody knows about us.
[Roxanna scoffs.]
Lukas: Alright, well…
Roxanna: This wouldn’t happen if you weren’t the most famous vampire ever.
Daddy Dracula: I can’t help who I am.
Lukas: It’s hard to keep a low profile when, you know, your dad’s kinda famous. Just saying, so…
Roxanna: Yeah.
Daddy Dracula: [loud] Vat d’you want I should do? Shave my head and paint myself blue and play drums?
[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]
Lukas: [put out] No.
Roxanna: If it would help…
Daddy Dracula: I’ll do it!
Lukas: Stop guilting us with that Blue Man Group thing. It’s fine! We don’t want you to join the Blue Man Group.
Roxanna: They’re not gonna let you in, Dad!
Daddy Dracula: I—
Lukas: [loud] We don’t want you to join Cirque du Soleil, and we don’t want you to be a Civil War reenactor.
Daddy Dracula: I—
Lukas: I’m sorry I said anything.
Daddy Dracula: I just vant to be close to my children. I miss you kids so much.
Lukas: I wish I was at Mom’s.
Daddy Dracula: [hurt] Oh... Ah, ah, ah…
[Jessica, Sage, and Emily stifle laughter.]
Lukas: Where did all the other vampires move to? Somewhere in the Lower 48. Not that far.
Daddy Dracula: Egypt.
Lukas: What?
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Daddy Dracula: I don’t know. I’m guessing.
Roxanna: I am pretty sure it was Washington…
Daddy Dracula: Why’d you ask if you knew the answer?
Lukas: I didn’t know the answer, she did.
Daddy Dracula: You kids. They don’t know re- no respect for adults.
[Beat.]
Roxanna: Okay, so we moving to Washington?
Daddy Dracula: Of course we are!
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Pack your bags, we’re going to Washington!
[Action music.]
Sage: A cold wind blows. The sky is overcast and gray, and down a long misty road, a moving truck pulls up to a pretty nice house. Very neo. Parks in the driveway and three very pale people exit the moving van.
[Lukas sighs. Roxanna groans.]
Daddy Dracula: Isn’t this great, kids?
Lukas: This is the fourth town we’ve had to move to in the past eighty years.
Roxanna: Well at least there’s no sun in Washington, either.
[Lukas groans.]
That’s…
Daddy Dracula: I have all the sun I need right here with Lukas.
[He puts a hand on Lukas’s shoulder.]
[Jessica chuckles.]
Roxanna: Yeah.
Lukas: [mumbles] Great.
Daddy Dracula: You children are my sunshine.
Roxanna, Lukas: [humoring] Okay.
Daddy Dracula: You’ll love it here! It’s next to the good school.
Roxanna, Lukas: [irked] Yeah.
Roxanna: The good elementary schools. You know I don’t eat kids.
Daddy Dracula: You’ll have your own bedroom. You always wanted your own bedroom.
Roxanna: Well, not always [chuckles].
Lukas: Is there a ma- is there a master bedroom? Is there a…
Daddy Dracula: Yeah, that’s my bath.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
That’s my- that’s my bedroom. It’s my bedroom.
Roxanna: Uck. You don’t even sleep. None of us sleep! What’s the point? I have the most clothes.
Lukas: Well I’m just gonna go inside and use the restroom and maybe, uh, just take a look at some o’ the room sizes and see which one seems to suit me most.
Daddy Dracula: What are you doing in the restroom?
Lukas: [loud] I’m gonna go- I’m—
Roxanna: You don’t use the restroom!
Lukas: [loud] The big room’s mine! I’m gonna go get the big room!
[Lukas runs off.]
Daddy Dracula: Oh no you don’t! That’s my room!
[He chases after Lukas.]
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Roll for Speed. Who’s gonna get to that master bedroom first?
David: Oh, I will show this whippersnapper a thing or two.
Travis: 2.
David: 6.
[Success chime.]
Roxanna: [calls out] You’re not gonna beat Dad.
Lukas: Yes I can!
[Daddy Dracula blurs past and beats Lukas to the bedroom. Lukas sighs.]
Daddy Dracula: You’re going to have to wake up pretty early in the morning to beat your old man.
Lukas: This sucks. But not like the kind that we do.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Daddy Dracula: Ooo! That reminds me! I have a surprise for you kids that you will love!
Roxanna: [hesitant] Yeah?
Daddy Dracula: I’m enrolling you in college!
Roxanna: Again?
Daddy Dracula: Yeah! Ah, ah, ah!
[Lukas chuckles sarcastically.]
You’ve always wanted to go to college.
Roxanna: This is literally the fiftieth time.
Daddy Dracula: But this time will be different!
Roxanna: Yeah? What major do they have here that they didn’t have literally everywhere else?
Daddy Dracula: Organ playing. You love to play the piano.
Roxanna: [whispers] Shit.
Daddy Dracula: An organ is just a giant bunch o’ pipes on top o’ piano. You do- be a natural! It’ll be good.
Lukas: [sarcastic] Yeah, sis, why don’t you learn to play the organ? That’ll be super cool.
Roxanna: [false cheer] Oh, thanks. What are you gonna do? Be too old for football?
Daddy Dracula: Football! You could do good for football.
Lukas: I could do great for football. And then next thing you know—
Roxanna: Yeah if you could slow down, champ.
Lukas: Yeah, I’m gonna have to start making excuses for why I won’t declare for the NFL Draft again.
[Sage chuckles.]
Roxanna: Yeah. ’Cause the Italians will literally decapitate you [sarcastic half laugh].
Daddy Dracula: Now look, it’s very important that you take it easy on the football field. If anybody gets tipped off that you are, in fact, a vampire, we’re gonna end up with our heads chopped off and set on fire in front o’ everybody. I don’t wanna.
Roxanna: I don’t wanna eat the whole football team, ’cause some o’ those guys are definitely doing steroids.
Lukas: No, I remember when we went to BYU. We don’t need that to happen again. But, Dad, playing football’s the only thing I have fun with—
Daddy Dracula: [yells] We can never go back to BYU!
Lukas: I know.
Daddy Dracula: Sorry.
Lukas: I know.
Daddy Dracula: I’m sorry. Triggered.
Lukas: [sighs] I guess I can…take it easy on ’em.
Daddy Dracula: Well maybe you could play more than one kind of field, you know. You know there’s lots o’ nice, young people at the college, maybe you could meet a nice girl.
[Jessica snorts.]
Lukas: What, have her for dinner?
Roxanna: Yeah, ’cause that went so well the last time [snickers].
Lukas: I— Excuse me. You’re the one that walked in on my date when I was in the bathroom just looking in the mirror, as I do every fifteen minutes.
Roxanna: Okay, I’m sorry I ate your girlfriend! Like, are you gonna get over it or what?
Lukas: No! I’m not! You and Alexi Romanov are on my shit list forever.
Daddy Dracula: Why is Alexi Romanov on your shit list?
Lukas: He’s the one that turned me into a vampire. Remember? I was fighting out for the Allies in World War I, and they signed the Treaty of Versailles and I was hiding out in Russia, and I said great I can go home.
But I got in a stupid pissing contest over a pocket watch, some asshole shot me, I was gonna die in the snow, and then along comes Alexi Romanov! Fresh off his family falling from power, and he says, [“Russian” accent] You know what I’m gonna do, young vampire Alexi Romanov, I’m going to bite this man in the neck and then fuck off to whoever the- knows where. [normal] And I’ve never been able to find ’im.
Now I’m fuckin’ in Washington!
Roxanna: You know, last time I went to the home country I, like, kinda saw him.
Lukas: What?!
Daddy Dracula: He’s looking great.
Roxanna: Yeah. He looks really—
Lukas: You’ve seen ’im too?!
Daddy Dracula: Oh yeah.
Roxanna: Really?
Lukas: Has everyone seen Alexi but me?!
Daddy Dracula: Your father gets around.
Roxanna: Yeah. Remember when Dad and I took that, like, big old Eastern European suck tour last summer? Like… [chuckles]
Lukas: Yeah, no. I remember. [sarcastic] I was having a great time not being there. [quiet] Thanks for the invite.
Roxanna: Yeah, well, uh… [chuckles]
Daddy Dracula: Luka, Luka. Why you don’t like being a vampire?
Lukas: [sighs] …I like being a vampire. I just also hate Alexi Romanov.
Roxanna: Is this a bad time to tell you I slept with him?
[Upbeat rock song starts to play; extremely similar “Spotlight” by Mutemath.]
Lukas: I’m going to bed.
[Lukas slowly leaves the room.]
Daddy Dracula: You kids are so emotional. All the emotions and hormones. When you get to school and you’re amongst some people your own age—
Lukas: [loud] We’re both over a hundred years old!
Roxanna: Listen, Luke, I didn't break up with you.
Lukas: What?
Roxanna: I didn’t break up with you because I was uncomfortable with the sibling thing.
Daddy Dracula: Uck.
Roxanna: That’s on you. So I should be able to sleep with Alexi Romanov if I want. But go to bed. Handle it that way. You always do that.
[Lukas slams his door.]
Sage: And they go to bed.
Travis: But they don’t.
Emily: We don’t sleep [chuckles].
Travis: No, I go to bed.
Sage: [chuckles] They go to their beds.
Daddy Dracula: I’m gonna go watch Netflix.
Sage: And sit [chuckles]. And we cut to the next day.
[Drum fill; the song picks up.]
Stephany: Dad, no. I don’t want to wait for pancakes. I have- I’m late for college. I gotta go.
[She zips up her bag.]
Frank: [stammers] I add- I added- I added chocolate chips in ’em…
Stephany: Listen, I’m just gonna grab a coffee at the gas station and go, ’kay?
Frank: Okay just w- I’m just worried about you, is all. I- I- you know, if you ever wanna, like, talk or anything, you know, I- I’m here for ya. I- I’m—
Stephany: You wanna talk?
Frank: I’m just tryin’a be a good- good dad, you know? Good single dad. I’m tryin’a be there for ya.
[Stephany croaks in confusion.]
You know I never- you know I’ve never seen you bring a boy around.
Stephany: Dad, I don’t have time to talk about boys, okay? I got- I- I—
Frank: Yeah, I’m not gonna beat ’em up, you know? I’m not gonna get all aggressive and be all cliche—
Stephany: You own, like, seven rifles, Dad.
Frank: And two pistols as well. And they- they’ll stay locked up. I’m a responsible gun owner. I’m not gonna threaten ’em. I just…you know, seem kinda lonely is all. So—
Stephany: [sighs] Dad, I have to go.
[She zips up her pack the rest of the way and slings it over her shoulder.]
Frank: [quiet] Okay. Alright.
Stephany: Bye, Frank.
[She hurries to the door.]
Frank: [quiet] Bye, Stephany.
Stephany: Love you.
Frank: [quiet] Love you too.
[She shuts the door behind her.]
[Music crescendoes.]
Daddy Dracula: You kids seen this show, Longmire? It’s good. I have Netflixed the house.
Roxanna: Dad, are you gonna find a job here?
Daddy Dracula: Jo— [groans in mock pain] Oh, I don’t- ah, that word. I hate- oh no. The word. Why you say this word? Why—
Lukas: Dad, “job” isn’t something that vampires- don’t- that’s n—
Daddy Dracula: [mock pain] Oh! You said it again! Ah! Do- it hurts. Oh no. [normal] Why’d you want all a job for all the time? We got gold. It’s gonna be good.
Roxanna: Yeah, but, it’s, like, weird, Dad. You’re, like, not old enough to be retired.
Daddy Dracula: Blah.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
I work hard to get where I am.
Roxanna: All those vegetarian freaks in Forks, like, their dad’s a doctor.
Daddy Dracula: Yeah a doctor of bubkiss!
Roxanna: Well you could be Dr. Acula [snickers].
Daddy Dracula: Oh, ha. Here we go with this- with the Dr. Acula- oh this- you think I’ve never heard this before?
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Lukas: All we’re saying, Dad, is that you can’t keep going from town to town saying you invented the blender.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Everybody knows that you didn’t invent the blender.
Daddy Dracula: [loud] I invented the blender!
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Roxanna: There’s Google now, Dad.
Daddy Dracula: The blender is mine! I named it after my friend, Jacob Blender.
[Sage chuckles.]
God rest his soul.
Lukas: [sighs] Whatever. We’re late for school.
Daddy Dracula: Go to orientation. Othervise you’re gonna be late for orientation. Go over there and get all the paperwork and stuff. And let me know when parents’ night is. I want- I a- I wanna meet some new people in town.
[Sage chuckles.]
Lukas: [loud] There’s no parents’ night in college, Dad.
Daddy Dracula: WHAT?!
[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]
WHAT?!
[Sage chuckles.]
[yells] The whole point of getting the value in college is to meet people! This is ridiculous! That’s how- not get- you gonna go to college, I’ll never see you again!
Lukas: [loud] That’s why you need…to get a job!
Roxanna: Dad, we—
Daddy Dracula: Oye!
Roxanna: Dad, we don’t meet people, we eat people.
Daddy Dracula: Oye. It’s BYU all over again.
[Travis and Emily stifle laughter.]
[Lukas scoffs.]
Roxanna: There is way too much sun in Utah.
Lukas: Yeah.
Daddy Dracula: I’m going on the Craigslist.
[He opens his laptop and starts typing.]
Lukas: Don’t bring home any more used crutches.
Daddy Dracula: [David stifles laughter] Don’t tell me what to do.
Sage: And we cut to organ class.
[Organ music plays.]
Where an undeniably beautiful young woman is practicing.
Stephany: [quiet] Ugh. Everybody’s looking at me again. I just wanna play this organ in peace.
Sage: [amused] Everybody in the class is just watching Stephany play the organ [chuckles].
Stephany: [quiet] Ugh. God.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Stephany, can you roll me Stare?
[Dice roll on the table.]
Jessica: Oh, it’s a 3.
[Failure chime.]
Sage: Ooo.
Stephany: [quiet] Uck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I’m so nervous right now. I don’t like being stared at.
Sage: She darts her eyes. She keeps twitching her mouth in a weird way.
[Stephany sighs and stammers, the organ music becoming more and more out of tune.]
And kinda moving her head back and forth.
Stephany: Okay just don’t— Can- Professor, can—
[She stops playing and turns away from the organ.]
—can everybody please just, like, stop.
Professor: No! Play the piece!
[Sage stifles laughter. Emily chuckles.]
Stephany: I have to go. I have to leave the room. I need to go.
Sage: Stephany gets up.
Stephany: Oh god.
[She sighs and hurries out of the room. In the hall, she bumps into Roxanna and falls on her butt.]
Roxanna: Oh. Oh. Um…
Emily: Can I internal monologue? [chuckles]
Sage: Yes.
[Internal Monologue guitar song.]
Roxanna: Who is this creature? She’s so…tortured inside, yet…her face. Like a- like a thousand rays of sun lighting up my sparkling skin. I…I- I have to know more about her. And yet…I’m afraid.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: How’s this gonna go, Roxanna? Please roll me Soul.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Emily: That’s a 4.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Great. Roxanna is definitely uncertain and taken aback, but she takes a deep breath and she knows…hey, this could go somewhere.
Stephany: Um…I—
Roxanna: Oh, I’m- I’m so sorry. Uh, can I help you up?
Stephany: Sure.
[Roxanna lifts Stephany quickly.]
[gasps] Oh my god. You’re so cold.
[Roxanna chuckles nervously and takes a step back.]
Roxanna: Yeah. I’m, uh, anemic [chuckles].
Stephany: It’s like ice, though. And my brother’s anemic.
Roxanna: Oh, um, yeah. Just, uh, p-poor circulation. Um, are- are you in organ class?
Stephany: Yeah. I was just…fiddling around with a piece and then everybody just started staring at me.
Roxanna: Oh, that was you.
Stephany: Yeah. I—
Roxanna: Okay. I heard you from the hallway. You’re very good.
Stephany: Oh [humble scoff]. Thanks. If you don’t mind I- I really have to go to the bathroom and just— [sighs] I gotta go.
[She rushes off.]
Roxanna: Okay.
Sage: And then…
[A door clicks open as Stephany rushes down the hall.]
[stifling laughter] She bumps into someone else.
Travis: Coming out of the bathroom.
[Sage chuckles.]
Sage: Yup!
[Stephany cries out as she bumps into Lukas.]
Stephany: Ugh, god. Sorry. I’m just so clumsy.
Travis: Monologue!
[Internal Monologue guitar song.]
Lukas: Who…is this…
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Creature?
[Sage and Emily stifle laughter.]
Her face is so tortured and emotional. But she’s like a- like a thousand rays of sun and- on my sparkling skin. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle this. For the first time in a long while, I’m…afraid.
Stephany: I’m sorry. Do I…
Lukas: Oh, fuck. Was I saying that out loud?
[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]
Sage: Quick!
[Emily chuckles.]
[Stat test chime.]
Luke, roll me Soul.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: 4.
Sage: The same thing that Roxanna rolled. Hesitant, unsure, and curious, but still confident enough to know, hey…this could go somewhere.
Lukas: Excuse me. I’m sorry that I bumped into you. What’s your name?
Stephany: [nervous sigh] My name is Stephany.
Lukas: I’m Lukas. Nice to meet you.
Stephany: Nice to meet you. I’m sorry, do I have, like, something in my teeth or something? You just… People keep staring at me for a long period of time without saying anything.
Lukas: The only thing I can see is the serene beauty of a hidden smile.
Stephany: Oh…
Lukas: Tell me.
Stephany: [quiet] Okay.
Lukas: Where were you coming from? Is this- this is the music hall, no?
Stephany: I’m sorry. I- yeah. I was coming from organ class, but I- I really have to go to the bathroom. I’m- I’m—
Lukas: I-I’m sorry. Just- I’m- I’m looking for my- my sister. That’s why I’m asking. Maybe you’ve seen her. She’s also, uh, looks a little Vitamin D deficient.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Um, real fucking annoying.
Stephany: The anemic one?
Lukas: Yes. Have you seen her?
Stephany: Yeah, I actually bumped into her too. She’s down the hall.
Lukas: Oh, really?
Stephany: Yeah.
Lukas: Well, um…
[Stephany stammers.]
I’m sorry, I’ll get out of your way.
Stephany: I’m sorry, I really have to pee.
[She rushes into the bathroom.]
Sage: And then Stephany barges into the bathroom. Luke then goes to look for his coven sister/ex/vampire, uh, family member.
Travis: Lame.
Sage: Who’s already made her way into the organ class. And he does the same and opens the door.
Roxanna: Um…why’re you in organ class?
Sage: But then they notice! Suddenly the teacher that was there from before looks totally different, but he’s wearing the same clothes [chuckles].
Daddy Dracula: Velcome, class! To organ cla—
Roxanna: [yells] Why are you in organ class?!
Lukas: Why are you in organ class?
Daddy Dracula: [loud] I am the organ class! Sit down, young la— I don’t know who this woman i-
Roxanna: This is not what we meant by get a job!
Daddy Dracula: [loud] Who is this girl? I don’t know!
Lukas: Shhh! Roxanne, shut up.
Daddy Dracula: Sit down, children. Welcome to organ class! I am your teacher. Teacher Goodbody. Today we will be learning the chords!
Roxanna: Luke. What are you doing here?
Lukas: I came here to make sure you weren’t making a scene, and here you are with Dad and making a scene.
Daddy Dracula: Please don’t talk in class.
Roxanna: I’m making a scene?
Daddy Dracula: I have much to teach!
Lukas: Sorry, professor.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Mr. Goodbody, can you roll me Savvy?
David: Okay.
Sage: How well can you play off your organ knowledge as this- as this teacher?
David: I have rolled a 4.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Great. [chuckles] He’s kinda teetering on the edge, but [amused] he’s doin’ pretty good playin’ it off as Mr. Goodbody.
Daddy Dracula: So, uh, children. This is the key in the middle. This is called middle key. Everybody repeat after me.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Middle key.
Lukas: [quiet, hesitant] Middle key.
Student: Middle—
Daddy Dracula: [firm] Repeat after me!
Student: [frantic] Middle key!
Student 2: Key!
Roxanna: [humoring] Middle key.
[The door clicks open.]
Stephany: I’m back from the bathroom.
Sage: Everybody shuts up.
[The chatter turns to hushed whispers.]
Roxanna: [whispers] She’s back.
Lukas: [whispers] She’s back.
Stephany: I…
David: Monologue.
[Internal Monologue guitar song.]
Daddy Dracula: Who…
[Jessica stifles laughter. Sage and Emily chuckle.]
Who is this creature? Who, like the shining sun on skin. Is the most holiest of holy beauties I have ever seen in my entire life. She makes me feel…700 again.
[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]
[out loud] Excuse me! Young lady, you are late to class. What is your name?
Stephany: Oh, um, S-Stephany.
Daddy Dracula: [awed] Stephany.
Stephany: I was here earlier. Wait, you- er- you- d—
Daddy Dracula: I am Mr. Goodbody. I am…
Stephany: Your hair—
Daddy Dracula: The exact same teacher that you—
[Travis stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]
Stephany: Your hair is so—
Daddy Dracula: —with- before you left. [David stifles laughter]
Stephany: Your hair is so black, and your skin is so white.
Daddy Dracula: It’s seasonal affective disorder. It’s very common here in the north.
Stephany: Oh. [nervous scoff] Sorry. Yeah. I shoulda known.
Daddy Dracula: Thank you. [David stifles laughter] Okay.
Jessica: Monologue!
Stephany: Oh god. I need to sit down and there’s only one seat left. It’s in between those two people I bumped into. Fu…
Sage: Stephany takes a seat and the lesson begins. Over the next hour [chuckles] Daddy Dracula—
[Travis snorts and laughs.]
—bumbles his way through this lesson.
David: Professor Goodbody!
[Chuckling.]
Sage: And most o’ the kids totally fall for it. He’s pullin’ it off okay. Except then Stephany notices something on his shirt.
[Stat test chime.]
Stephany, can you roll me Savvy?
[Dice roll on the table.]
Jessica: 3.
[Failure chime.]
Sage: Do you wanna add a Stare?
Jessica: Yeah!
Sage: Then do it.
[Emily stifles laughter.]
[Dice roll on the table.]
Jessica: 4.
[Stare chime.]
[Success chime.]
Sage: Great. Since your Stare roll is higher than your Savvy roll, that you almost failed, it’s now a success. And Stephany Mayer [stifles laughter]…
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Looks at the collar of Mr. Goodbody’s shirt.
Stephany: Is that…is that… Oh no. He’s bleeding.
Sage: And she knows that after a certain amount of time, blood kind of turns brownish and has a certain shade when it dries. That ain’t ketchup [stifles laughter]. That ain’t, you know, whatever red sauces.
Travis: Soy sauce.
Sage: Yeah, there you go. Sriracha.
Travis: Barbeque sauce.
David: Mmmost sauces.
[Chuckling.]
Jessica: Monologue.
Stephany: This is just so weird. He looks like…
[Quiet, suspenseful music.]
A stereotypical version of Dracula in my teacher’s clothes.
Travis: Monologue!
Lukas: [irked] Does Dad have blood on his fucking shirt?
[Sage laughs.]
Oh my god! We’re all fucked.
Stephany: I feel like someone just interrupted my monologue.
Travis: [amused] You gotta say monologue to interrupt me!
Jessica: Monologue.
Stephany: I feel like someone just interrupted my monologue. I’m not done.
Emily: Monologue.
Roxanna: Um…
Jessica: Monologue.
[Emily giggles. Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]
Stephany: He could’ve just cut himself shaving, but I don’t know. Something’s fishy. The two people next to me are so cold.
Roxanna: Hey, d’you need a jacket?
Lukas: ’Cause I’ve got several.
[Jessica snorts. Sage stifles laughter.]
[Lukas pulls a jacket out of nowhere.]
Roxanna: Shut up, Luke!
Stephany: You guys know each other?
Roxanna, Lukas: Yeah.
Lukas: We’re—
Roxanna: This is my ssstep brother.
Lukas: This is my step sister.
Stephany: Why aren’t you guys sitting next to each other? Why did you leave an empty seat between you?
Roxanna: Um…
Lukas: Cooties.
[Sage snickers.]
No! Not that. Um…but something—
Stephany: Yeah you’re, like, twenty. What?
Roxanna: He’s twenty-two, actually.
Stephany: D’you guys notice that the teacher has blood on his shirt?
Roxanna: [thinks fast] He probably cut himself shaving. [sighs] Again.
Stephany: Again?
Daddy Dracula: Okay, class. I have decided that class is over for today.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Please go home and divide up into pairs and study organ history textbook at your houses with you and your study buddy. Pick whoever you pictured getting along with the best.
Lukas: Stephany? Do you have a study buddy?
Stephany: Uh, he literally just asked us right now.
Lukas: So no?
Stephany: …No.
Lukas: Would you like to be mine?
Stephany: Um…
Roxanna: You guys are gonna come back to our house anyway, so I’m also going to be there.
Lukas: [irked] You find your own study buddy, Roxanne.
Stephany: Oh—
Lukas: He said pairs.
Stephany: Why don’t you guys—
Roxanna: Oh! Why don’t I ask Alexi to be my study buddy?
Lukas: [whispers] You said you wouldn’t bring him up when we’re in public.
Emily: Monologue.
Roxanna: I need to find the second hottest person in the room to bring home.
[Sage stifles laughter. A pause.]
Emily: Can I roll for that?
[Laughter.]
Sage: Sure.
[Stat test chime.]
Emily: That’s a 4 total.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Great. You grab someone who’s okay [chuckles].
[David chuckles.]
Roxanna: You.
Student: Wha?
Roxanna: You’ll do.
[She grabs his arm.]
Student: Oh. [clears throat]
Roxanna: You wanna study?
Student: Um…yeah, you’re cold. Can you…are okay? Can you let go of me? [nervous chuckle]
Roxanna: Yes. I have anemea.
Student: Oh. Yeah, uh, I was gonna prob’ly be with my friend, uh, Geoff. Spelt with a G. But, um, that’s fine.
Roxanna: Yeah. I think is the better move.
Student: ’Kay.
Roxanna: Trust me.
Jeff: I’m Jeff. Spelt with a J.
Roxanna: Cool.
Ad Break |
[Radio clicks on.]
Kristin Couture: We’ll be right back after these messages.
[Radio crackles off.]
[Emotional music.]
Stephany: I’d never given much thought to how I would subscribe, but subscribing to 20 Sided Stories, a podcast I love, seems like a pretty good way to go.
Oh. Hey, it’s Stephany. I just wanted to say thank you to some cool people.
sparky
Mahmood Saeed
Ian Thompson
Spencer Hesse
Blake
Alec McMullen
You’re all, like, pretty rad. Yeah. Um, I hear if you go to patreon.com/20SidedStories you can be pretty rad, too. Uh, I guess there’s this, like, new feature where you can actually subscribe and really get it all outta the way, you know? And you’ll save 10%.
That’s like, a whole month free. At least. I don’t know. I don’t do math. I’m more into art and literature [nervous scoff].
Anyway patreon.com/20SidedStories. The best place…for my wallet…to die.
[Music fades.]
Sage: Also! We now have a…
[sings in harmony] Discord!
Last week we launched the official 20 Sided Stories community Discord server, and it’s been so much fun. Discord is a really cool app that basically functions as a private chat room and a digital hangout space if you will.
We got a tabletop channel, a memes channel, the list goes on. Come chat! We’re a welcoming bunch of nerds, I promise. Make sure you read Da-Rules before you join, then pick your starter Pokémon emoji and you should be good to go.
Link in the episode description. See ya there.
[Radio cuts off.]
The Twilight Saga - Part II |
[Daddy Dracula opens the door to his house and everybody walks in.]
Daddy Dracula: Velcome to our home!
Stephany: Mr. Goodbody…
Jeff: Yeah, wait a minute. Uh, you kinda—
Lukas: Mr. Goodbody- we’re his kids.
Roxanna: Yeah.
Lukas: And our mom…just…died. And they’re divorced, so now we live with him.
Roxanna: Yeah.
Stephany: You guys have no furniture.
Roxanna: We, like, just moved [chuckles].
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: I’m gonna need one of the three in this family—which, you guys need, like, a last name.
David: The Goodbody family.
[Chuckling.]
Sage: Whatever. One of you vampire—
David: We haven’t needed one until now! [chuckles]
Sage: [chuckles] One o’ you three vampires needs to roll me Soul to keep your cool.
David: I’ve rolled a 3.
[Failure chime.]
But I’m going to use a Stare.
Sage: Great. Go ahead and roll another dice.
[Dice roll on the table.]
David: A 5!
[Stare chime.]
[Success chime.]
Daddy Dracula: I have, uh, I will make now the- the food! I will make food for you, and you will have a vonderful meal!
Sage: And throughout that, he doesn’t blink. He just looks at these two kids—these two college kids—deeply.
Roxanna: Dad…
Daddy Dracula: Delicious dinner!
Stephany: Oh.
Jeff: Yeah, sure, yeah.
Daddy Dracula: Beauta’me.
Jeff: That’s great. Totally.
Stephany: Okay, uh.
Jeff: Rad.
Stephany: Um, Jeff?
Jeff: Yeah, Stephany, what’s up?
Stephany: [sighs] I’m getting a really weird feeling about this.
Jeff: Yeah.
Stephany: On my way here I was Googling “cold skin” “blood”…
Jeff: Dude, when Roxanna—
Daddy Dracula: [distant, loud] Maybe for you kids could help!
[Stephany gasps.]
Vich one of dese items in the kitchen is the chimney?
[Stifled laughter.]
Roxanna: [hesitant] I’ll be right there, Dad.
Lukas: Our- our dad’s really- he’s a big joker, you know. He likes to crack jokes.
Roxanna: Yeah.
Lukas: Dad jokes.
Roxanna: Cracking…wise.
Lukas: A-any- anyways, Stephany, why don’t we go where the organ will go eventually and we can start working on—
Roxanna: Hey, Luke, can we talk for a really quick second? Um…
Lukas: Yeah. I can’t ever imagine what about, but sure.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Let’s take some time out of my—
Roxanna: Yeah, let’s talk really quickly!
Lukas: Sure.
Roxanna: Uh, just over here for a second.
[They shuffle across the room.]
Lukas: ’Scuse us.
Roxanna: So, like, what’s your game plan here? You’re like trying to eat her or what?
Lukas: No. I’m not planning to eat her. I’m planning to s-study with her and get to know her.
Roxanna: [unconvinced] Uh-huh. Okay.
Lukas: What’s your game plan with Derrick or whatever?
Roxanna: Well I’m gonna eat Jeff, but that’s not important. What is important is the universally acknowledged rule of…I definitely saw her first.
[Sage snorts.]
Lukas: Saw her fir…
Roxanna: Yeah.
Lukas: Universally to wh— That’s not [tsks] we- hey, uh—
Daddy Dracula: [distant] Kids, kids! I have—
[He comes running into the room.]
Kids, kids!
Lukas: Yes? Yes, yes?
Roxanna: Yes, Dad?
Daddy Dracula: Ve have a problem. Ve have problem!
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Roxanna: Yes, Dad?
Daddy Dracula: Ve have problem!
Roxanna: What’s problem?
Daddy Dracula: I ate Jeff!
[Sage stifles laughter. Jessica laughs. Travis cackles.]
Roxanna: You did what?!
Daddy Dracula: He was helping me in da kitchen, and, uh, you know… One thing lead to another.
[David stifles laughter.]
Roxanna: Where’s the body? Also, is there any left?
[Jeff death gurgles in the background.]
Stephany: Oh my god. Oh my god! I know what you are!
Lukas: Oh…
Roxanna: Um…
Daddy Dracula: Vait!
Roxanna: Um…
Roxanna:
Lukas: Uh…
Sage: [amused] Say it.
Daddy Dracula: We can’t let Stephany find out that I ate him.
Stephany: You’re a- a vampire!
[Music thrums.]
Daddy Dracula: Uh, oh.
Roxanna: Wait, no, Dad! Don’t kill her!
Daddy Dracula: She- she already knows!
Roxanna: That’s—
Stephany: I’ve already tweeted about it!
Sage: What?
Lukas: What?
[Daddy Dracula groans.]
Sage: [amused] Oh, wait, really?
Daddy Dracula: Vat, what’s a twitter?
Roxanna: [gasps] Guys, the Volturi are totally gonna rip our heads off!
Lukas: No they’re not. Stop saying that. Stephany, look, there’s a lot we have to get outta the way. One—
[A loud knock comes from the front door.]
Sage: [amused] A knock on the door. A really intense one.
Lukas: God dammit. One, I’m in love with you—
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Two, you prob’ly just killed us all. Three, we don’t have an organ. And four, that’s Dracula!
Daddy Dracula: Ah, ah, ah.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Stephany: Oh my.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Roxanna: Okay. I’m gonna answer the door.
Daddy Dracula: No! No, don’t answer ze door!
[Sage chuckles.]
Roxanna: Dad!
Daddy Dracula: It’s- we’re dead!
Lukas: You’re gonna get your head ripped off.
[The doorbell rings incessantly.]
Sage: Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong [chuckles].
Stephany: Did I- should I not have tweeted this?
Lukas: Just—
[Travis snorts.]
Stephany: I have a lot of followers ’cause people like me.
Roxanna: I’m opening the door.
Daddy Dracula: Vhy?!
Lukas: Don’t open the door!
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Daddy Dracula: Vhy you open the door?
Lukas: You’re gonna get your head ripped off!
Daddy Dracula: It’s the government!
[Doorbell continues ringing over and over.]
Roxanna: Yeah well the Volturi’s already here!
Daddy Dracula: Is the- it’s the vampire pentagon!
Sage: They kick the door in.
[Wood splinters and the doorbell stops. Stephany groans.]
Lukas: Great.
Roxanna: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
David: Okay. I have rolled for Soul!
[Sage chuckles.]
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Alright, alright.
David: Okay. I’ve rolled a 2!
[Failure chime.]
[Stifled laughter.]
So now I’m going- well now I’m going to roll again.
Sage: Yes, with your Stare.
David: And I rolled a 2!
[Stare chime.]
[Snickering.]
Sage: Then- [chuckles] then that is a horrid failure.
David: Eh…
Travis: You rolled a 1? [incredulous] You rolled a 1?
Sage: And you have made your failure even worse into a 1. Daddy Dracula starts going to speak, and then his mouth just stops.
[Daddy Dracula grunts in shock.]
Nothing comes out of it…[amused] except a whole bunch of vomit [chuckles].
[Daddy Dracula vomits up a lot of blood.]
Lukas: He ate some of the food. God dammit!
Roxanna: Dad!
Sage: He spews Jeff’s entrails all over the vampire government representative standing there, pale skin, dark red eyes, and a full black cloak.
Stephany: Oh my god.
Sage: Straight out of a fuckin’ MCR music video.
Roxanna: [false cheer] Giovanni! Good to see you again! [chuckles]
Giovanni: [slow] I just read a tweet on the Twitter.
Roxanna: Oh, that’s a great place to read funny nonfactual things! [sniffs]
Giovanni: Mmm.
Roxanna: Yeah.
Giovanni: Usually that’s how I treat the platform. A whole bunch of bullshit from a bunch of people who think they know things, and know nothing. But here’s the reality. Stephany Mayer, @Stephany_NotMayer
Stephany: Everybody thinks that I’m related to John Mayer.
Giovanni: This tweet says, “Oh. I guess vampires are real.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
And they’re my study partners in this organ class at the University of Washington.”
Lukas: How did you have time to tweet all that?
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Roxanna: Your phone—
Lukas: Wha- no- how many characters is that even?
Stephany: It’s under. It’s under 160 characters.
Lukas: Bullshit.
Roxanna: Um, we will turn her or kill her.
Lukas: Hol— [angry sigh]
Roxanna: I promise?
Giovanni: Hmm, well I promise not to say anything about the, uh, sightings in Alaska that were reported near Fairbanks, ’cause certainly that has nothing to do with you. [firm] If you act fast.
[Suspenseful music thrums.]
Roxanna: Stephany, do you wanna be a vampire and live with us forever?
Daddy Dracula: Would you like to live the life delicious?
Lukas: Hold on, she looks like she has something to say, or at least try to do something with her face.
Stephany: Um…you all kind of, like, rub me the wrong way, but this Giovanni guy is…
Sage: And then Stephany looks at him.
[Stat test chime.]
Roll for Soul.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Emily: Are we about to get cucked by Giovanni?
Travis: God dammit.
Jessica: I got a 2, but can I—
Sage: Do you wanna add Stare?
[Dice roll on the table.]
Jessica: 4.
Sage: Success.
[Stare chime.]
[Success chime.]
Stephany looks over to Giovanni.
Stephany: Ugh…
Sage: Monologue [clears throat].
[Internal Monologue guitar.]
Giovanni: Who is…
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
This creature?
[Jessica laughs.]
I didn’t even get a moment to review the rules and regulations of which I must uphold. She has me transfixed. Her skin is like…a good…
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Not- she…
[Giovanni grunts in awe.]
Stephany: [hesitant] Are you cumming?
[Chuckling.]
Lukas: This guy just c— [Travis stifles laughter] This guy just creamed his cloak!
[Emily and Sage chuckle.]
Daddy Dracula: Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Giovanni: Uh, [clears throat] Uh…sorry about that [nervous chuckle]. Uh, look there’s, uh, you know the rules. There’s, uh, one or two options. Let’s see, she’s gotta join your family or she’s gotta… [clicks tongue]
Roxanna: Yeah…
Lukas: Mm-hmm.
Stephany: Um—
Roxanna: Don’t worry! I’ll turn you. I’m gonna do it better anyway.
Giovanni: Oh. [tsks] Oh, I mean, I’m- I am the elected representative of- of the, uh, Washington body of the Volturi, so I think I actually should be the one who—
Lukas: Yeah, that’s- that’s what she wants to be. A bureaucrat vampire. Alright, so if anyone here’s gonna turn her, it’s her study partner, which is me, okay?
Giovanni: Oh, well, you know I could just report you two for, uh, releasing—
Lukas: I can report my foot up your ass, how’s that?
Daddy Dracula: Children, children. Stop antagonizing the bureaucrat. Let him do what he wants, ha!
Roxanna: Okay, Stephany, either you die or you live forever and you’re, like, super hot. Um, so…make a decision.
[Stephany sighs.]
Giovanni: Dead or undead? Tick tock.
Stephany: [quiet] Doesn’t matter what, I’ll be dead.
Daddy Dracula: Being dead does not screw up your career the vay that it used to. You know, I’ve had many jobs. Organ instructor… Huh…
Roxanna: Count.
Daddy Dracula: Count, yeah! Count, yeah, yeah.
Stephany: Excuse me, what if I just, like, promise that I won’t tell anyone?
Daddy Dracula: Not good enough. Not—
Roxanna: You literally already tweeted it [scoffs].
Giovanni: No, then we will have to- I will have to rip your head off and then…
Daddy Dracula: Can do that- not- to—
Giovanni: Catch you on fire.
Daddy Dracula: Over the top.
Stephany: But I can write a really good book series about this.
[Music stops.]
Giovanni: Yeah. Alright. I’m gonna kill ’er.
[He blurs forward. Lukas yells.]
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Roll for Speed, Luke!
[Action music.]
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: That’s a 1.
[Failure chime.]
Sage: Ooo. Luke goes in to grab— [burps]
[Emily chuckles.]
Luke goes in to grab Giovanni. He’s too fast! And darts outta the way.
Lukas: Jesus Christ!
Sage: And he gets even closer to Stephany Mey- Mayer.
Jessica: [stifles laughter] It’s Mayer.
[Lukas pants.]
Roxanna: Oh, come on, Luke!
Lukas: You’re the fast one! You get her.
Roxanna: Fine!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Roll Strength.
Emily: That’s just a 5. But 5 is good.
Sage: 5 is good!
[Success chime.]
Even though he’s too fast for Luke, he’s not stronger than Roxanna.
[She blurs after Giovanni and pulls him back. He grunts.]
Giovanni: Ooo, sneaky. Ah [winces]. You’re very strong.
Roxanna: Yeah, you already knew that, though.
Giovanni: Oh, yeah, you’re right. We had that one little skirmish couple hundred years a—
Lukas: Why does everything have to be so horny with us?!
[Sage laughs. Emily chuckles.]
Everything we do! I go to the grocery store, I’m horny. I go to the laundromat, I’m horny!
[Sage chuckles.]
Day, night, horny!
[Chuckling.]
Sage: Roxanna throws your body across the room.
[She grunts as she chucks Giovanni.]
And he doesn’t crash into anything, though, ’cause you guys never unloaded the moving van [chuckles]. He just hits a wall.
Roxanna: Don’t make me drown you in molasses.
Giovanni: Alright, alright [chuckles]. Look, you’re clearly very strong, but you gotta do something about Stephany. Now.
Roxanna: I’m going to turn her. In more ways than one [giggles].
Lukas: Bullshit! I’m gonna turn her.
Daddy Dracula: No, me! Me, me, me!
Stephany: Um…I mean…I don’t wanna, like, enter this family in, like, a volatile way. Um…is it possible that all of you guys just wanna bite me?
[Beat.]
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Roxanna: Like…it—
Lukas: What d’ya mean?
Roxanna: —would circulate the venom faster, but, like, a multiple-vampire turning? It’s…it’s rare.
Lukas: I haven’t done a group session in… God since the ’70s.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
This is…
Roxanna: Yeah.
Lukas: This is pretty…
Roxanna: It’s kinda not done.
[Beat.]
Daddy Dracula: I call her. Ah.
[He chomps down on Stephany’s arm and slurps.]
Roxanna: It’s gonna be okay, Stephany. It hurts least in your inner elbow.
[Roxanna hisses in a breath as she watches. Stephany groans.]
Lukas: I’m sorry. I’m gonna bite your fucking neck. It’s just this, you know, just—
Roxanna: You perv!
[Lukas bites Stephany’s neck. She groans.]
Stephany: [pained] Oh my god.
Jessica: Monologue.
Stephany: [pained] What is happening to me? Oh my god. My veins are cold. Ack. Oh my god.
[She groans in pain while the others slurp.]
Giovanni: Uh, I know I wasn’t a part of that, but just watching it from over here, I definitely can be.
[Stephany groans as the transformation finishes.]
Sage: And Stephany feels amazing. But I’m gonna need her to roll Strength—
[Stat test chime.]
—to make sure [chuckles] she hasn’t passed the fuck out.
[Emily chuckles.]
Roxanna: Stephany, you’re gonna be, like, really unnaturally strong.
Sage: You have a +1 to Strength because you’re a newborn vampire.
Jessica: 5+1 so 6.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Beautiful. A full, perfect form. She takes all the venom.
Stephany: Oh my god. I see everything.
[She takes a deep breath.]
Sage: And transforms.
Stephany: Oh my god. Everything smells so good.
Sage: And then she looks at these three vampires. Now they suddenly look family in a weird way, but horny [chuckles] but also at the same time they’re all more attractive. And she feels more attractive. And she looks more attractive. And almost like The Bachelor—
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
—they’re just lined up waiting for some sort of validation.
Lukas: Uh…who’re you gonna bang first?
Stephany: I don’t- Wow. This is… Okay, I really appreciate all of your enthusiasm, but I guess this is a pretty good time for me to mention that…I am attracted to women.
Roxanna: HA! [claps]
[Lukas groans. Roxanna laughs victoriously.]
Daddy Dracula: Ah, ah, ah, ah.
[Lukas sighs.]
Stephany: So, Roxanna, would you accept this apple that I have in my bag?
Roxanna: Um, I can’t eat human food. Um, but…I will accept this as a symbol of your undying love.
Stephany: Awesome.
[Roxanna bites into the apple.]
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Lukas: [mumbles] What a bunch of bullshit.
[Roxanna spits the apple chunk out.]
Emily: Spit that shit out [chuckles].
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Giovanni: So, uh, now what, guys?
Roxanna: Giovanni, you’re not a part of this family, so, like, this really isn’t applicable to you.
Lukas: Seems like you’ve probl’y kinda overstayed. Gettin’ kinda late.
Roxanna: Yeah. Didn’t you have to, like, go to Italy or something?
Daddy Dracula: Yes. Giovanni, please go tell the vampire pope that we’re very sorry and that we—
[Everyone stifles laughter.]
—are very honored that he had sent—
Stephany: Wait, the pope is a vampire?
Giovanni: Oh, yeah, definitely.
Daddy Dracula: The vampire pope. There’s—
Roxanna: Yeah, there’s both a pope of vampires, but the pope is a vampire.
Daddy Dracula: Uh-huh.
Giovanni: Yeah.
Lukas: Yeah. He looked—
Giovanni: Yeah, those are two separate things, but they know each other.
Roxanna: Both of those things are true.
Stephany: Whoa.
Giovanni: They hang. They hang.
Lukas: There’s the Vatican and then there’s the Vampican.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Stephany: Wow. I didn’t know any of this.
Lukas: Well you’re gonna have to start catching— There’s a lot of lore to catch up on.
Stephany: I guess I should prob’ly mention that my dad is the governor of Washington.
Daddy Dracula: Oh.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Lukas: Ah, shit.
[Everyone stifles laughter.]
Sage: We’re in organ class after hours. There’s no one there. There’s just Roxanna and Stephany.
Stephany: It’s been such a great week. I never thought college would be this wild.
Roxanna: Yeah, they say experiment with all kinds o’ things in college [chuckles]. They have no idea [stifles laughter].
Stephany: Well, it seems like we’re, like, alone in this…organ classroom. There’s no one here.
Roxanna: D’you wanna maybe…play something [whispers] together?
Stephany: That would be, like [sighs] nice.
Sage: Slowly they sit down on the bench in front of a big organ. It’s huge.
[Sage and Emily chuckle.]
Roxanna: Wow. Your hands are finally cold like mine.
Stephany: It’s like…I’ve waited my whole life for this.
Roxanna: It’s like I’ve waited my whole life for you.
Stephany: It’s like…I would die every day just to be with you.
Roxanna: I would…follow you to the ends of eternity and back again.
Stephany: I’m so done with my mundane life. You’ve made my world so beautiful.
Roxanna: It’s over. Only the future now. And probably way more rights for lesbians.
Stephany: That would be great.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Roxanna: Who knows? Some day we might even be able to marry you.
Stephany: I’ll wait for that day.
Sage: And then…without even looking at the organ or any of the keys, they just Stare—
[Emily and Jessica stifles laughter.]
—into each other’s eyes. And you’re both gonna roll me Stare.
[Stat test chime.]
[Jessica chuckles.]
For how good this song is.
Emily: Gah! Yes! It’s a 6.
[Stare chime.]
[Success chime.]
Jessica: I rolled—
Sage: A beautiful 6.
Jessica: I rolled a 5 [chuckles].
[Success chime.]
Sage: And 5. So Stephany’s not quite as good as Roxanna, but they’re both pretty good together. And they play this organ…together…forever.
[Organ plays “Take Me Out To The Ball Game”.]
[Episode end music.]
Credits |
[The Twilight Space music throughout.]
Kristin Couture: 20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.
Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.
Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela
Original music score by Sage G.C. and Travis Reaves
And very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon Supporters of past, present, and future
Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.
You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories
Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com
Narrator: Two Eves bite
Before dawn breaks
The apple now sweet
And immortal
Whether lit or in shadow
Love lives and knows no bounds
On the run and flourishing
Through this forever storybook we call
The Twilight Space.