HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED
20 Sided Stories
THE TWILIGHT SPACE
Halo: Combat Evolved
Air Date: November 9, 2020
[The Twilight Space intro music.]
Kristin Couture: 20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Microsoft nor anything in the Halo franchise whatsoever. Get that through your thick skull now, won’t ya?
Narrator: You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.
We set the clocks forward and travel far ahead. The year 2552. Intergalactic war is spreading like a plague. And though entire planets have been lost, humanity’s darkest hour is still on the horizon.
Meet the Pillar of Autumn, a light-class cruiser and military mothership homing a fleeing fleet of marines with some all too important cargo.
Their daring escape from the alien covenant leads to a discovery that defines history. But some relics…should remain untouched.
[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]
Cast Introduction |
[20 Sided Stories music.]
Sage: Hello and welcome to 20 Sided Stories. My name is Sage G.C. I’m your Narrator and Game Master. And I am joined, of course, as always, by my wonderful cohosts who have all created some characters in the world of Halo that they’re gonna roleplay as.
Emily: Hi, my name is Emily and I will be playing [“Natalia” russian accent] Natalia Korsikovski. I am a major in the United Nations Space Command. And I’m here to bust people around and shoot big guns. And I’m all out of ammunition.
Jessica: I’m Jessica, and I’ll be playing [“Nellie” southern belle accent] Nellie McAllister. I’m, uh, just a sweet, humble little medic. I would like to say I’m a pacifist, so I’m very scared, but they needed extra help. So I’m hopin’ that I can just be there for support.
Travis: Hi! I’m Travis, and I’ll be playing [“Tez” Bernie Sanders voice] Tez ’Tunam. Tez is a major in the covenant army, who has become disenchanted with the idea of The Great Journey, and he’s striving for a new, better way to bring the Sangheili race back to its roots and to freedom for all races underneath the Covenant.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
David: My name is David and today I’ll be playing [“Typhoon” drill sergeant voice] General Samuel “Wild Horse” Typhoon! The most gnarliest hombre in the entire UNSC. CSA. CPA. BYOB!
[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]
Travis: [stifling laughter] Certified Personal Accountant?
General Typhoon: You know it!
Sage: [chuckling] Anything else of interest about Typhoon?
General Typhoon: I’m gonna blow my load all over these alien scumbags! They don’t know which way’s upwards after I’m through with ’em!
[Jessica chuckles.]
Sage: Excellent. So we’re gonna take these characters into the world of Halo. Specifically, Halo: Combat Evolved. The Xbox original...
[David begins humming the Halo theme. Travis, Jessica, and Sage join him. It pretty quickly becomes a comical mishmash of random music.]
Jessica: [sings] Tip me over and pour me out!
Sage: Halo: Combat Evolved was released in 2001 on the original Xbox. Not the Xbox One, but the first Xbox. We are going to set this in the very beginning of the game. The first two levels, The Pillar of Autumn and Halo.
If you aren’t familiar with Halo, it is an epic space opera and action sci-fi video game franchise set in the year 2552, where humanity is at war with the Covenant, an alien alliance made up of many different races.
The title “Halo” refers to a series of ancient ring worlds that are spread across the galaxy. These halo rings were created by the Forerunners who mysteriously disappeared long ago. And thus, the Covenant Alliance has built an entire religion around them, considering the rings to be sacred and pursuing this idea they call The Great Journey. Only for humanity to come in and discover that the Forerunner halo rings actually withhold a very dark secret.
That’s only scratching the surface of the bottomless pit that is fucking Halo lore, but if you haven’t tuned out entirely by now, basically it’s the future. Humans vs. Aliens. We’re on a giant artificial ring world, and we gotta get off of it.
And while the games follow the story of a badass super soldier named Master Chief, we’re instead gonna follow the story of a bunch of bumbling marines. The ones who Master Chief probably accidentally ran over.
So I’ve designed a system called Halo Jenkins, named after the fallen private, rest in peace 2552. Characters will be using Combat, Command, and Intel to overcome obstacles. But before each challenge, I’ll declare the difficulty. If it’s Easy.
[Easy beep.]
Normal.
[Normal beep.]
Heroic.
[Heroic beep.]
Or Legendary.
[Legendary beep.]
With increasingly slimmer odds of success on a scale from 1 to 8. And in addition, each character has a specialization to help them out.
Natalia: I am an officer, which means that if somebody does what I tell them to do, it +1 to roll.
Nellie: I am a medic. Any time I heal someone, it is very easy.
Tez: I am a commander. I get a +1 to Easy and all Normal rolls in the presence of any lesser ranks, ’cause I’m a very inspiring, motivating individual that can bring people together under a common cause. Like healthcare for all species and—
Sage: [chuckles] Okay and David.
Jessica: What a good moderator.
General Typhoon: Uh, UNSC, Shadow Recon, +2 sniper rifle. +1 pistol.
Sage: Nailed it. There are some other mechanics at play, such as activated skulls that reward you for killstreaks and religious references. But I’ll let you check that out for yourself at sagegc.com/games where you can download Halo Jenkins yourself and play it for free.
We’ll get to improvising and let this story speak for itself. And if it wasn’t already painfully obvious, I’m a big nerd for this and I’m fucking stoked.
[Travis chuckles.]
Nellie: I am not a big nerd for this, but I am still fuckin’ stoked.
Travis: Do we all have to go around and say how stoked we are now?
[Sage chuckles.]
’Cause I’m- I’m reasonably stoked. There’s gonna be a lot to juggle with the whole Bernie Sanders and Sangheili lore, but you know we’re gonna make this work. I’m into it.
[Sage chuckles.]
Emily: [as Natalia] I’ve never been stoked about anything in my life except for gun. Big gun. That I am stoked about.
Sage: And what about David?
David: [as General Typhoon] Fuckin’ hard! Let’s do it!
[Laughter.]
Sage: Alright let’s dive in.
Narrator: It is time to land on this mysterious ring. And may we just as swiftly get off of it.
You are about to enter THE TWILIGHT SPACE: One-Shot #3 - Halo: Combat Evolved.
[Music crescendos and fades.]
Halo: Combat Evolved |
[Soft music; suspenseful strings build.]
General Typhoon: All I wanna know is…do you have that second king, Korsikovski?
Natalia: I think we both know the answer to that…. Go Fish.
General Typhoon: Dammit! Ah!
[He snatches a card.]
Fine.
Rookie Tony: Ooo. Nice, nice, nice. Yeah, so anything else we can do on The Pillar of Autumn? [sighs] Big ship. Feel like we’ve been floatin’ through space forever.
Nellie: I know.
Natalia: Yes, and he still hasn’t gotten better at Go Fish.
Rookie Tony: Kinda boring.
Nellie: It’s my favorite game.
General Typhoon: Rookie Tony, you need to work on your attitude. You either shape up or you’re gonna be moppin’ the mess hall
Rookie Tony: [bored] Aye, aye, General.
Nellie: Well I guess it’s my turn. Um…Tony? Do ya have any 2s?
Rookie Tony: [inhales] Nope.
Nellie: You’re s’ppose to say “Go Fish”.
Rookie Tony: Oh. I- sorry, I, uh, I’ve- never played this [chuckles].
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
General Typhoon: McAllister, can’t we pick some other game?
Rookie Tony: Yeah, this games, really old. Like really old.
Nellie: I just don’t think that you wanna learn it. Natalia’s the only one that’s good at it.
Natalia: It’s true.
Rookie Tony: It’s like an Earth game, right?
General Typhoon: I like backgammon. And huntin’!
Rookie Tony: How d’you guys know all these Earth games? You ever been to Earth?
Nellie: No. I wish.
General Typhoon: I seen it in the movies.
Rookie Tony: Ah. It’d be so great to visit one day. Heard it’s real blue.
Natalia: Uh, I picked up Earth game from book. Have you seen book before with- with pages? Where you turn?
Nellie: I had a medical journal once that was a actual journal.
Natalia: It’s like that, but it explain to you how to play Go Fish.
Nellie: Oh, wow.
Natalia: This- this is how I know game.
General Typhoon: I can’t read.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Rookie Tony: Alright, well you guys take the next round—
[Clothes rustle as he stands up.]
—I’m, uh, I’m gonna go take a leak. I’ll be right back.
Nellie: Alright, Tony.
General Typhoon: Rookie Tony!
Rookie Tony: Yeah?
General Typhoon: That damn latrine better look so spotless by the time you’re done with it.
Rookie Tony: [dejected] Yes, sir.
[He walks away.]
[Suspenseful music continues. A crowd chatters in the background.]
Hierarch: Tez ’Tunam!
Tez: Yes? Hello, how can I help you?
Hierarch 2: What is the meaning of this insolence?
Hierarch: You better not be inspiring a new schism. We bring you into the High Council to plead your case, and quickly.
Tez: All I’m saying is that we need to look at the facts of the issue and come to terms with the fact that The Great Journey is nothing more than a pipe dream. It’s going to be the same—
[The Hierarch groans quietly in annoyance.]
Hierarch 2: These blasphemies will not stand! We cannot take such heresy!
Hierarch 3: Heretic! Heretic!
Tez: You may call me “heretic”, but you sit up here—
Hierarch 2: Heretic!
Tez: —in your floating pope chairs. A society based solely on military aptitude will collapse without a stable base of civilian industry, therefore this absolute nonsense war with humanity has to come to an end immediately.
Hierarch: Is that so? Well I’m afraid your little complaint is too late. We’re attacking one of their motherships as we speak.
Tez: You’re what?
[A muffled explosion goes off and air whooshes out of the breached hull. The ship’s consoles beep rapid warnings.]
General Typhoon: AHHHHHH!!
Nellie: [worried] Oh.
Natalia: Vhat, vhat, vhat?!
Nellie: Dear Father, Heavenly Father, please keep us safe. Mother Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Through our gospel our Lord, amen.
[General Typhoon continues screaming as he runs around aimlessly, knocking things down as he runs into them.]
General Typhoon: [screaming] Ahh, ahh, no! Panic! Help me! Nooo! Help!
Natalia: Typhoon! [Emily stifles laughter]
General Typhoon: That’s General Typhoon!
Natalia: Vhat is wrong?!
General Typhoon: [panicked] We’re gettin’ attacked! We’re invaded by the aliens! We gotta get the hell outta here!
Natalia: Ah, shit.
[General Typhoon and Natalia pick up their guns.]
General Typhoon: Get the hell outta here!
Natalia: Shit, shit, shit.
General Typhoon: Get back in there!
[A sangheili soldier roars as it charges toward the door.]
Sangheili Soldier: Open up!
[Natalia opens fire.]
Natalia: Get back! Back, back, back!
[The sangheili soldier collapses with a grunt.]
Go! Get out!
Nellie: Where's Rookie Tony?
Natalia: There’s no time!
[The trio run through the corridor.]
General Typhoon: [panicked] I d- put it in the pod! The pod! The pod, help me! Help me, please!
Nellie: Over there! There’s an escape pod.
General Typhoon: Keep the door open! Keep the door open! Don’t pretend like you don’t see me and close the door! Get your hand off the button!
Rookie Tony: Hey, what’s the matter? We’re just tyrin’a get out- okay.
General Typhoon: Get off the button!
Natalia: Tony, open ze door!
Rookie Tony: Alright, pile in, pile in. Hurry up!
Tez: This so called Great Journey is a fever dream. There’s nothing at the end of this road but death and desolation for all of us involved.
[The crowd boos him.]
Hierarch 2: The lack of faith on your part is not a failing of The Great Journey. It is a failing of your own!
Tez: This is not about faith. This is a matter of civil- of civil responsibility—
Hierarch: You dare defy the Great Journey?! You shit on our ancestors. The Forerunners themselves!
Tez: They are not my ancestors. Have you heard of The Ballad of Kel 'Darsam, First Light of Sangheilios? That is who my ancestor is.
Hierarch 3: You are vile.
Nellie: Okay. I think we’re all in.
Rookie Tony: Ah, shit! There’s no pilot. Does anybody know how to fly this thing or what?
General Typhoon: Just go! Go! Go!
Rookie Tony: Okay. I’ll hit this one.
[He presses a random button.]
General Typhoon: You’re the pilot now. Congratulations, you got promoted. Now steer this fuckin’ thing! Let’s get the hell outta here! I can’t take it! Ahhhhhh!
[The lifeboat launches.]
Nellie: General Typhoon you’re gonna have to take a deep breath, okay? Just take a deep breath in.
[General Typhoon takes a deep, panicked, breath.]
Ho- now- and hol—
[He lets it out.]
Hold- hold it for five seconds.
[He takes another deep breath.]
Keep in five seconds. Hold it for five seconds, then breath out for five seconds.
[He lets it out in a panicky grunt.]
Trust in the Lord that we’re gonna be okay.
Rookie Tony: Captain Keyes says we gotta land on the ring.
General Typhoon: What ring? What the hell are you talkin’ about, ring?
Rookie Tony: That one. Look out the window.
[General Typhoon and Nellie gasp.]
Natalia: Holy, shit.
Nellie: Whoa.
General Typhoon: Jesus Christ almighty.
Narrator: Mother Mary, full of grace.
Rookie Tony: I’ve never seen anything like it.
Hierarch: You shamefully cast doubt and darkness upon the Covenant.
Hierarch 2: We have no use for a broken weapon like yourself.
Hierarch: The Great Journey waits for no one.
Hierarch 2: We’ll cast you down upon that ring, where you will die.
Tez: What are you doing?
[Two soldiers grab Tez.]
Tell them to get their hands- tell them to get their hands off me!
[The crowd boos.]
Brothers! We are the same!
Hierarch 2: Take him away!
Tez: We are the same!
Hierarch: Tez ’Tunam!
Tez: You don’t understand—
Hierarch: You are hereby banished. Banished to the ring!
Tez: Banished?
Hierarch: Until you see its light.
Hierarch 2: Get him out of our sight!
Tez: I will start a ground-swell movement. You will not believe the individual contributions I will get to my cause!
Rookie Tony: Oh, we’re comin’ in hot!
General Typhoon: AH!
[Nellie grunts as the lifeboat shakes around them.]
Natalia: Find something sturdy to hold on to.
General Typhoon: Whoa!
Rookie Tony: Everybody, brace for impact!
Nellie, Typhoon: Ahhhhh!!
[The ship rumbles as it breaks the atmosphere. It crashes into the ground and dirt goes flying. A moment passes as things settle. Birds chirp and wind blows.]
Sage: Though in daylight, looking up, you can see the stars. And an immense landmass wrapping around the entire sky. The grass is a deep green and pine trees are spread out across a series of small canyons. There’s a metal structure, a building of sorts, clearly not a natural formation. And perched atop its second level are four marines.
Natalia, Nellie, Tony, and Typhoon. Aside from the occasional sentinel you see flying above you—small automatrons that seem to manage the tech on this desolate ring—you are alone.
No contact. No rescue.
Nellie: [sighs] It’s been four days.
Natalia: Nobody is coming for us. Yes. I- I zsink we all agree on this at this point.
[Something rumbles in the distance.]
Nellie: Maybe they’re comin’ for us, honey. It’s just gonna take a little bit more time.
Natalia: That’s “Major” to you.
Nellie: Oh, s-sorry, Major.
Natalia: Thank you.
Nellie: I just feel like we were just so personal playin’ those cards [chuckles].
Natalia: Don’t get used to it.
Rookie Tony: Sucks, you know? I never... never got to see Earth.
General Typhoon: [distant] Hey guys! Look, I’m gonna jump off o’ this thing!
[Laughter.]
Nellie: Wha- General…
General Typhoon: Look!
Rookie Tony: [scoffs] Yo, Typhoon, get down, man.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
General Typhoon: [distant] I am gonna get down! Real quick!
Nellie: General Typhoon…
Natalia: Nobody’s coming after you if you jump.
Nellie: Don’t get all reckless on us. We have to stick together.
General Typhoon: [distant] I can’t take it any more, team, we been out here for too long! This sucks!
Nellie: If—
Rookie Tony: Typhoon’s got a point.
Nellie: They’re gonna—
Rookie Tony: He’s got a point!
[Nellie sighs.]
They said the Master Chief was gonna come!
General Typhoon: [distant] I’m gonna jump off o’ this thing! I’m just gonna end it all.
Nellie: No! Don’t do it. We have each other and we have our faith. We must—
General Typhoon: [distant] Awwwnnaaaahhhhh noooooooooaaahhh.
[Misadventure music.]
Sage: General Typhoon, roll me Combat.
[Heroic beep. Stat test chime.]
David: [amused] Alright.
Sage: This is a Heroic feat, I would say.
David: [laughs] I rolled a 1.
[Failure chime.]
[Laughter.]
Sage: [amused] Oh, what?!
[The General leaps off the building. His leg snaps as he lands.]
General Typhoon: [yelling] Ohh! Awwwh!
Natalia: [quiet, exasperated] Jesus Christ…
General Typhoon: [yelling] Ohhhhhhh! [sobs] Oh god! Ah, help me! Nellie! Nellie! Nellie, gimme the—
[She runs down to him.]
Nellie: I’m- I’m right here. I’m right here, sir. Here—
General Typhoon: Nellie, help me- no. I can’t stop flailin’! I can’t stop flailin’!
Nellie: What d’you need?
General Typhoon: Ahhh!
Nellie: I got my first aid kit, I have a health pack if you need somethin’. Got- I got some morphine—
General Typhoon: Help my leg!
Nellie: Okay.
General Typhoon: My leg!
Nellie: I got your leg. Don’t—
General Typhoon: My leg!
Nellie: Just calm down, it’s gonna be—
Sage: Nellie has one health pack left. [amused] You guys have already gone through several of these doing stupid bullshit to pass the time.
General Typhoon: Use it on my leg!
[Travis chuckles.]
Nellie: This is gonna be our very last one, General.
Natalia: Just put him out of his misery at this point.
[Easy beep. Stat test chime.]
Sage: Alright, Nellie, roll me Intel.
Jessica: Intel.
Sage: This is an Easy action, because you’re a medic.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Jessica: I got a 4.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Great.
[Gentle music.]
[Health pack crinkles as Nellie uses it with a sigh.]
You patch him up...
[General Typhoon sighs in relief.]
and General Typhoon feels a lot better.
Natalia: Next time you’re thinking of doing something stupid, put pistol in your mouth and pull trigger. How ’bout that?
[Sage stifles laughter. Travis laughs.]
Save us the health pack!
Sage: And we cut over to the other side of this little valley.
[Gentle music.]
Beyond a couple of small knolls, a really tall, Elite sangheili soldier, and a really tiny Grunt unggoy soldier, walking side by side.
Tez: So, WapWap, it’s just like I was saying. There’s so many ranks in the Covenant army. I-it’s an entire culture completely consumed by bloodshed and the war. We completely outsourced every civil piece of infrastructure we have to- to- to your race. We treat you like slaves. We look down on you—
WapWap: Oh, completely! I hate it! It’s terrible!
Tez: It’s- it’s absolutely ridiculous. It cannot continue. And then now- I’ve- I’ve heard rumblings of the Brutes being- being put, uh, in- in the honor guard.
WapWap: I got used as a soccer ball once.
Tez: Good god. Really?
WapWap: Oh, yeah. [Sage stifles laughter] Sucked ass. So all you’re say- all this you’re saying about The Great Journey being bullshit, it really makes a lot o’ sense!
Tez: It does! It’s- it’s merely, uh, it’s- it’s a- it’s a fool's errand. A fever dream.
WapWap: Yeah.
Tez: It’s a religious frenzy that they’ve found themselves in, and these space popes in their chairs, they’re gonna drive us all to extinction.
WapWap: Yeah!
Tez: They’re gonna go to this ring world, this thing we’re on, it’s not the key to our salvation. It’s a big weapon. I’ve heard the rumors, I’ve seen the schematics. It’s going to the end of everything.
WapWap: No way!
Tez: Absolutely. We’re standing on a big gun! A big space gun.
WapWap: Ahh! Ahhhh!
Tez: No, no- eh, well, it’s not- it’s—
WapWap: Ahhhh!
[Travis stifles laughter.]
AHHHHHH!
Tez: WapWap. WapWap, please calm down. WapWap, I’m sorry that I used such strong language—
Sage: And we cut over to our soldiers, hanging out in this random, desolate Forerunner base. And they [chuckling] hear, echoing over the knolls…
WapWap: [distant] Ahhhh!
[Travis stifles laughter.]
We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna diiiie!
General Typhoon: There’s god damn crows over there.
[Stifled laughter.]
Maybe we can eat ’em!
Nellie: That sounds like a little Grunt. Sounds like a little cryin’ little Grunt.
General Typhoon: Grunt?
Natalia: Good. I was getting bored. I’m going over to look.
Nellie: I’ll come with ya.
Sage: Natalia.
[Normal beep.]
Can you roll me Command? This is a Normal action.
Emily: Whoo. It’s a 10.
[Success chime.]
Sage: [amused] Oh shit!
Jessica: Hell yeah.
Sage: Natalia barely peeps over and there she sees…
[Natalia reloads her Assault Rifle.]
Natalia: Elite: Major rank with a Grunt: Minor. Looks like it’s just the two of them headed this way.
Nellie: I gotch’yer back.
General Typhoon: [yelling] Holy hell! It’s an Elite and a Grunt! Jesus Christ ladies, duck down! It’s not safe! We gotta get to some higher ground! Quick, hand me my gun!
Nellie: General Typhoon…
General Typhoon: [yelling] Hand me my gun!
Natalia: Have you ever heard of ze element of surprise?
General Typhoon: [loud] What?
WapWap: Ah!
Tez: WapWap, did you hear something?
WapWap: Ah! Demon!
Tez: What?
WapWap: It’s the demon! Ahhh!
Tez: Demon? There’s no such thing as demons. I’m trying to tell you that’s not—
[Distant gunfire. Bullets fly by and hit the dirt.]
WapWap: Ah!
Tez: Oh my goodness, they’re shooting at us.
[Action music.]
WapWap: They’re shooting! Ah! Ah!
Tez: We gonna go- quick, WapWap.
WapWap: Ah?
Tez: Behind these rocks.
WapWap: Get—
Tez: Behind them. Let’s go behind the rock. Go behind the rock. WapWap, we’re gonna go behind the rock.
[The two hurry behind cover.]
General Typhoon: [distant] Ah! Shoot ’em! Shoot ’em! Shoot ’em! Shoot ’em!
WapWap: Okay. Okay.
Tez: Hey, WapWap, do you have any shields?
WapWap: Mm. No.
Tez: Okay. That’s not good news for you.
WapWap: We’re not- [Sage stifles laughter] We’re not allowed to use those.
Tez: I should’ve- I should’ve known that. I should have known that all they would do is mistreat you.
WapWap: Though every now and again, somebody gets handed a fuel rod. It’s pretty fuckin’ sick! It’s this big laser gun.
Tez: That is completely- that’s absolutely irresponsible.
Natalia: [distant] Hello!
[WapWap gasps.]
I am Major Korsikovski of the UNSC. Step out from behind ze rock, or I will destroy the rock and your feeble bodies with it.
General Typhoon: [distant] You heard ’er!
Nellie: [distant] We’re nice people, maybe we don’t have to use any guns. Why don’t you just come out?
Natalia: [distant] We outnumber you.
General Typhoon: [distant] We’re not nice!
Natalia: [distant] Come out.
General Typhoon: [distant] We’re not nice at all!
Natalia: [distant] With your hands up.
Tez: I’m going to ignore my sangheili instincts to fly into a murderous rage and I’m going to approach them with diplomacy.
WapWap: We’ve always been taught to never do that!
Tez: Well…
WapWap: They say scream and run or shoot and fire. [Sage stifles laughter] Those are your two options!
Tez: Look, if we’re gonna- if we’re gonna stage a revolution—
Natalia: [distant] Five…
Tez: —we’re gonna have to take some—
Natalia: [distant] Four…
Tez: —drastic steps.
[WapWap hyperventilates.]
Okay hello, hello!
Natalia: [distant] Three…
[Tez and WapWap step out.]
WapWap: Okay, okay, uh, ah! Ah! Hello. Ah!
Natalia: [distant] Two…
Tez: Hello! Hello! I- yes, okay—
Natalia: [distant] One…
Tez: —we’re here, hello. I’m waving my arms. I’m waving my arms. Hello.
[Misadventure music.]
General Typhoon: [distant] Hand over the crow and no one gets hurt!
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Tez: I don’t…
WapWap: The what?
Tez: The- what? Do they have their own religious artifacts they think that are on this ring world? I don’t know what a crow is. What’s…
WapWap: [gasps, intrigued] Am I the crow to their demon?
Tez: I sincerely hope not. For- we don’t—
[WapWap jumps into a “scary” pose.]
WapWap: Behold, human creatures! I am the crow!
[Beat.]
Nellie: [distant] Um…
Tez: I do not think…that that…
[Sage and Emily stifle laughter.]
Nellie: [distant] No…
Tez: Is what they were looking for, WapWap.
Natalia: [distant] N-no you are not. And we know that.
WapWap: Yeah. I mighta just shot down any opportunity for respect with that.
General Typhoon: [distant] Is that a talking soccer ball?
[Travis and Sage chuckle.]
Natalia: Vhat did you give him for the pain?
Nellie: Well I just gave ’im just a little bit o’ morphine. And it got mixed with a little somethin’ else, but I thought he could take it.
General Typhoon: Hand over your weapons and no one gets hurt!
WapWap: [distant] I am setting my needler on the ground.
Tez: [distant] That’s very good, WapWap.
Natalia: Yes, put your veapons on ground.
Tez: [distant] Non confrontational. That’s very good. Alright. I have a plasma pistol. It’s going down. I’m putting it there. We would like to discuss this—
Nellie: Oh this is beautiful. This is beautiful, look at this.
Natalia: Kick them over to me.
Tez: [distant] Uh, we are several yards away from each other. I cannot kick anything—
WapWap: [distant] You’re on the other side of a field! I can’t kick that hard.
Tez: [distant] I cannot kick anything that far, uh, even—
Natalia: Kick it away from yourselves! Jeez.
WapWap: [distant] I’m like three feet tall.
Tez: [distant] Alright, we’re just gonna walk over- away from them, and they’re gonna be here. Alright, WapWap, let’s go over.
WapWap: [distant] One step at a time. One step at a time.
[WapWap burps.]
Sage: Rookie Tony speaks up.
Rookie Tony: Hey, uh, I’ll stay behind and, uh, just kinda watch your guys’ six. You guys go deal with them.
Nellie: Alright, Tony.
Natalia: Da.
[Wonderous music crescendos; rendition of “A Walk in The Woods”.]
Sage: The two groups get closer. The three marines and the Covenant duo. In the middle of these green, grassy knolls. There’s a lot of tension in the air, but also a possible alliance.
[Footsteps crunch over grass.]
General Typhoon: Klaatu barada nikto!
Tez: Hello. It’s all- we speak your- your language inexplicably. We do.
General Typhoon: How?
Tez: I d- I could not tell you.
WapWap: No idea.
Tez: I could- I do not know why. We don’t—
WapWap: Translators?
Tez: Got no—
WapWap: Maybe? I…
Tez: Translators.
WapWap: Good education?
Tez: Well, we- okay. So first off, hello. I am Tez ’Tunam. I’m a Major in the- well I’m a former—
General Typhoon: It is a pleasure to meet you Tez ’Tunam Major Former, pleasure to my name. My name is General Typhoon. And you will address me as such.
Tez: That’s perfectly fine.
Natalia: He has been given many drugs, so mostly do not listen to him.
WapWap: Ooo, what’s “drugs”?
General Typhoon: [amused] Oh, wait ’til you find out, little soccer ball man.
Tez: This is my associate WapWap. He is my, uh, political consort and, uh, and campaign manager.
Nellie: Can I just specify? Is your name spelled W-A-P-W-A-P?
WapWap: You bet!
Natalia: VapVap?
WapWap: Yes! That is my name. WapWap. One word.
General Typhoon: WapWap! Can I- can I ride you like a little-
[Sage and David stifle laughter.]
Let me- let me ride you a little bit.
[Sage chuckles.]
WapWap: Wha-what?
Tez: I don’t think that’s necessary.
Nellie: [exasperated] You’re too big for him, General Typhoon.
[Everyone begins speaking over each other.]
General Typhoon: Hold on, we won’t know until we try! Here, WapWap—
Tez: He’s dealing with a lot of gen—
[General Typhoon leaps on top of WapWap.]
WapWap: Ahhh!
General Typhoon: —hold still.
WapWap: Ahhhh!
General Typhoon: Hold still, WapWap.
Tez: Would you please get off of my—
General Typhoon: No don’t throw me—
[He falls to the ground with a thud.]
Ow!
Tez: —campaign manager?
General Typhoon: Ow. My wrist!
WapWap: Ahhh! Ah!
Nellie: I’m so sorry. I’ve—
Tez: He’s dealing with a lot of- a lot of—
General Typhoon: My wrist! Oh,
[sobs] hurt my wrist!
WapWap: Oh, god! Ah, ow.
[Natalia cocks her gun.]
Nellie: Alright, General Typhoon, how ’bout this—
General Typhoon: I need a medpack, I hurt my wrist!
Tez: —generation of trauma
[Natalia fires her gun into the air.]
Jesus Christ! Okay.
Nellie: Ah. Ow, my ears.
Natalia: Shut up! Okay.
[Beat.]
Vhy did you get kicked out of the Covenant, vhat are you doing here? Answer in one sentence. Please.
[Ambient choir music begins.]
Tez: No problem. I can answer in one sentence. It may be a very long sentence—
[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]
—but that’s just sort of my style. So we were- I was removed from my position in the Covenant army because I was able to look at the facts and ascertain the idea that The Great Journey, this religious conquest that we’ve been on for centuries, is nothing but a big pile of hooey.
WapWap: Hooey!
Tez: We’re going onward into the galaxy—
WapWap: Onward!
Tez: —in search of some transcendent plane of existence—
WapWap: Transcendent plane of existence!
Tez: In fact, all there is for us is death, desolation, and destruction.
WapWap: Yeah!
Tez: The climate in space is terrible. This thing that we’re on is- is a big weapon of mass destruction designed by the Forerunners.
Natalia: This- this thing we’re on right now?
General Typhoon: It’s a gun? We’re on a giant gun?
Tez: We’re on one gigantic gun. I am lead to believe—
Nellie: Oh. I knew it!
General Typhoon: Oooh ho ho ho!
Nellie: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
General Typhoon: Ho, ho, ho!
Tez: And if the trigger is pulled, all life in existence will cease to exist.
WapWap: Wait! All life in existence?!
Tez: Look, I may be wrong. I’ve- I’ve heard rumors and I’ve seen some schematics. I am- I have every reason to believe that the Forerunners that came before you or I built this world as a way to stave off something. Some kind of intergalactic something.
General Typhoon: How d’we turn on the gun?
Tez: That’s- my whole point is we don’t…
WapWap: [worried] No. No.
Tez: We’re not supposed to turn on the—
WapWap: No!
Tez: If we turn on the gun, everything is going to die.
Natalia: Vhat do you mean when you say “everything”?
Tez: Every living being within 2500 light years will cease to exist.
General Typhoon: Holy shit!
Tez: You, me, WapWap here, you with the nice lady and whoever it is you have back there talking about six or somethin’.
Rookie Tony: [distant] Hey.
Tez: Hello. Now—
[Stifled laughter.]
—I don’t know what your plans are here. I don’t know how you got here either. Uh, I know that we invaded one of your ships. If- for that I am sorry. It was not my idea. I was in- I- I do not support the war, and I am—
General Typhoon: Then we gonna have to find that trigger and we gonna have to keep them from turnin’ it on!
Nellie: You’re finally makin’ some sense, General.
Natalia: Yes. The drugs are starting to wear off.
General Typhoon: Mmm. Dammit.
[Jessica and Sage laugh.]
Nellie: [exasperated] I have no more. You’ve run me dry. Sir.
Tez: This is a fantastic idea. This is exactly what I was hoping to find, is a coalition of the willing—
General Typhoon: Hold on, Tasmanian devil, hold on! [slow] Where is the trigger?
Tez: I have no clue.
General Typhoon: Who does?
Sage: And then, echoing from the base…
Rookie Tony: [distant] AhhhAhAh!
Nellie: Oh L…
Rookie Tony: [distant] Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
[Nellie gasps.]
AHHHH!
Natalia: Vhat, vhat, vhat?
General Typhoon: Tony! Tony! Rookie Tony! Not Rookie Tony!
Natalia: Oh no…
General Typhoon: The Covenant got to him!
Natalia: Come on. Come—
General Typhoon: The Covenant’s caught ’im!
Natalia: Come with—
General Typhoon: They caught ’im! They’re gonna shoot us all!
[He lifts his gun and points it at Tez.]
Tez: There’s not- no, we’re not here- I promise this is not some sort of ambush. Please- please lower your guns. Please.
General Typhoon: You betrayed us!
WapWap: [quiet, worried] Tez…
General Typhoon: You betrayed us! Thank God I kept my gun on me!
Tez: We’re- we’ve not betrayed anybody. WapWap.
WapWap: [worried] Tez, what’s happening?
General Typhoon: You’re a traitor!
Natalia: If you vant to prove you’re not a spy, come with us now.
Tez: Very well. That’s no problem. No problem.
[Suspenseful action music.]
WapWap: I’m gonna hold on to your leg.
[He latches onto Tez’s leg.]
Tez: That’s fine.
WapWap: Tez, I hope that’s okay. I’m scared.
Tez: Yup. Okay. This is not easy to walk like this.
[Tez drags WapWap along as he walks.]
Natalia: Go, go, go! Move out!
Tez: I cannot run.
Natalia: You are soldiers!
Nellie: Hut, hut, hut, here I go.
General Typhoon: Back to the base!
[The group starts running.]
Sage: And, as you approach, there’s no sign of Rookie Tony.
General Typhoon: Rookie Tony! Rookie Tony!
Natalia: Tony? Tony, vhere are you.
Nellie: I don’t feel right comin’ back to where he was screamin’. What if there’s some big monster that’s gonna come out an’ eat us?
Tez: Does Rookie Tony have any cloaking technology we should be aware of?
Natalia: No, he’s just man.
[Easy beep. Stat test chime.]
Sage: Natalia, can you roll me Intel? This is an Easy action.
Emily: That’s a 7 total.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Great. Natalia notices a spot of blood on the steel.
Natalia: Hmm…
Sage: It starts a trail.
Natalia: There’s blood.
[General Typhoon gasps.]
Tez: I’m so sorry.
Natalia: Shh.
Nellie: [whispers] Okay.
Natalia: We will follow.
Nellie: [worried] Oh.
[The group slowly follows. Sounds begin to reverberate as they get deeper and suspenseful music builds.]
Sage: The trail of blood leads the group down into the structure. It goes a lot further than they’ve cared to explore.
General Typhoon: Echo! (echo, echo, echo)
Nellie: [worried] Uh, I thought we agreed we weren’t gonna go down there. You sure this a good idea?
Natalia: There is nothing on this ring but us. What are you afraid of? Ghosts? [mocking] Oooo.
Nellie: There’s obviously some kinda boogie man that’s out ta get us.
Natalia: There’s no such thing as boogie man.
General Typhoon: There was no such thing as aliens a couple years ago and look at that, how it turned out.
Tez: Oh, I could say the same thing about you. I didn’t know there was an alien race off of our world—
[An alien noise!]
[General Typhoon gasps]
Nellie: [whispers] Quiet. Quiet.
Natalia: Shh.
Tez: [startled] What in the Sam fuck was that?
General Typhoon: [frantic] Shh, shh, shh!
WapWap: [fearful] Oh no!
Natalia: If you would shut up, maybe we could find out.
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
Sage: Nellie.
Jessica: Yes?
Sage: Roll me Command.
Jessica: Mm.
Sage: This is a Legendary action.
Jessica: Oh, Lord.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Ooo! I rolled an 8.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Oh my god! [stifles laughter]
[Jessica chuckles. Emily snaps her fingers.]
Emily: Yeah, girl.
Sage: Right in the nick of time, Nellie looks down and quickly snaps to her ankle. There’s this off putting, yellow, crusty, tiny, little creature going for her leg.
Nellie: Ah!
Sage: And she kicks it!
[She punts the creature and it sails through the air.]
Nellie: Get off me, ya little…
General Typhoon: [frantic] Bug! Bug!
Sage: It bursts into a million pieces!
[The creature pops into a cloud of dust.]
Nellie: What in sam hell?
Tez: Now I just wanna make it clear that we did not know its intention, and I think that next time we could do with maybe, you know, giving it a chance to state its case.
General Typhoon: It’s a trap! What the hell have you brought us down in here for?!
Tez: I don’t- well, first off, you brought me- you brought myself and WapWap down here.
WapWap: Yeah. What the- seriously. You took our guns!
General Typhoon: Details! Details.
[Stat test chime. Legendary beep.]
Sage: Everyone else is going to roll Legendary Combat.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: So I got an 8.
[Success chime.]
Emily: I got 7. Should I roll again?
Sage: Roll again!
Emily: I got a fucking 8! [chuckles] I’m not kidding.
[Success chime.]
Jessica: Oh my lord!
Sage: There it is! And what about Typhoon?
David: I got a 9.
[Success chime.]
[Laughter.]
Travis: [amused] Jesus…
Sage: [chuckles] Wow!
Emily: Sorry we just are- roll good. [chuckles]
Jessica: Oh well j- don’t speak so soon.
Emily: I- I know [chuckles].
Sage: Nellie is right, because [sighs] WapWap failed.
[Failure chime.]
WapWap: Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
Nellie: [worried] WapWap.
WapWap: Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Ahh! Ahhh!
Tez: WapWap. WapWap, stay still. Stay still.
General Typhoon: There’s nothin’ we can do for him. There’s nothin’ we can do for him! He’s gone now!
Natalia: I don’t have a clear shot.
Tez: He’s my companion.
WapWap: Quiiiiick!
General Typhoon: Let me put him out of his misery!
WapWap: I’m already losing health!
General Typhoon: Let me put him out of his misery!
[Normal beep. Stat test chime.]
Travis: I got a 6.
[Success chime.]
Sage: WapWap, lost a lot o’ health. Down to 4 points.
Nellie: Oh. Poor little soccer ball.
Sage: But!
Tez: Wa- come here- get off of him—
[Tez grabs the creature.]
Get off of him!
[Tez flies into a rage.]
WapWap: Ah! Ah!
[Tez kills the creature and lets out a deep, angry scream.]
[Stifled laughter.]
General Typhoon: Quick, get him a med pack!
Nellie: Oh my…
General Typhoon: Get him a med pack!
[Tez pants as he calms down.]
Nellie: That just came outta him.
[WapWap sighs and pants in relief.]
Tez: Sorry, Wa- WapWap, are you okay? Look at me. Look at me. Do you need…
What can I do for you?
WapWap: Oh god. Without my face- it almost ripped my- my- my- my mask off. [sighs in relief]
Tez: I gotta be honest, you look like you’re hurtin’ pretty bad, but I’m telling you, as soon as we can overthrow the Covenant government, the care we’re gonna have for you is gonna unprecedented.
General Typhoon: Alright well we gotta find a way through here.
Nellie: What the heck was that on my leg?
Tez: I don’t know. But I have a very dark and upsetting feeling that may be key to why this gun exists in the first place.
WapWap: [worried] Oh no.
Nellie: So what d’we do?
Natalia: We keep moving forward. And we kill anything that gets in the way.
[Dark, scary music crescendos and fades.]
AD BREAK |
[Radio clicks on.]
Kristin Couture: We’ll be right back after these messages.
[Radio crackles off.]
[Action music.]
Tez: People of Earth, hello! I am Tez ’Tunam, and this is my campaign manager, WapWap.
WapWap: Hello!
Tez: We’re here to thank a very special group of people. The newest Patrons on 20 Sided Stories!
WapWap: Yay!
Tez: Hooray indeed. They are
Corwin Ravenwood
WapWap: Esur!
Tez: Amy Vu
WapWap: Vanilla Bryce
Tez: Dan O'Reilly
WapWap: Ryan Dean Hass
Tez: Cayenne Smith
WapWap: And Ryan Kirby
Tez: I cannot stress enough how much it means to have your individual contributions going to support a campaign such as ours. Now if you wish to give a little more, and perhaps get something in return, I’ll have you know we opened up a brand new merchandise store!
WapWap: Whoo!
Tez: If you go to 20sidedstories.com/merch you’ll find all sorts of things!
WapWap: You can get stickers! You can get magnets! You can get masks! I wear a mask. It’s to breath, but I think you need one to be safe too, right?
Tez: 100% It’s a disaster out there. Now, if you cannot give anything, if your pockets are empty, that is okay. You can still support the movement. You may come and join our brand new Discord server.
WapWap: Discord!
Tez: Get on the computing machine and go to the link in this episode description, and it takes you to the 20 Sided Stories Discord, where you can have free conversation with people who listen to the show just like you. Universal, positive conversation.
WapWap: I haven’t even been bullied yet! It’s great!
Tez: And lastly, people of Earth, congratulations on your most recent election!
WapWap: Whoo hoo! Democracy!
Tez: Democracy is a beautiful thing! And I hope you know this is just the beginning. A movement such as this needs your effort and your help each and every day. So get involved. Get out there.
WapWap: Never quit! Never surrender!
Tez: Yes.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Very good.
[Radio switches off.]
Halo: Combat Evolved - Part II |
[Suspenseful music. The group continues walking through the abandoned structure. Nellie sighs.]
Natalia: [quiet, calls out] Tony? Tony?
General Typhoon: Rookie Tony!
Nellie: [quiet] Again, General, you can’t be so loud.
Tez: Don’t you know that, in my home planet, they have a saying ca—
General Typhoon: I don’t know shit about yer home planet! Stop talkin’ ’bout yer home planet! This is our planet now!
Nellie: Typical.
Tez: Just tryin’a make a point, but that’s fine.
WapWap: Are we ever gonna get off?
Tez: WapWap, we’re gonna be just fine. Don’t worry.
WapWap: I really wanna go back to my home world of Balaho.
Tez: It’s a fine place. I’ve heard great things. I can’t wait to go there one day.
General Typhoon: WapWap.
Nellie: Sounds wonderful.
General Typhoon: WapWap, I’m gonna be frank with ya. Uh, I don’t think you’re gonna make it.
[Laughter.]
Tez: You can’t say that—
WapWap: What?!
General Typhoon: I call ’em as I see ’em.
Tez: You can’t say that to him!
General Typhoon: I’m a general!
Tez: He’s got the—
General Typhoon: I’m a general! I just call ’em like I sees ’em!
Tez: He has a fragile—
WapWap: Nooooohohoho!
Tez: He has a fragile disposition.
Nellie: WapWap- WapWap—
Tez: He has a fragile disposition.
General Typhoon: Oh, I’m the one who’s too loud?!
[WapWap sobs.]
Tez: WapWap, WapWap—
General Typhoon: I’m the one who’s too loud and he’s the one over here screamin’ his fool head off.
Tez: You don’t—
[WapWap sniffles and squeals in dismay.]
I think we need- all need to- we all could do with taking a breath and maybe being considerate of those of us in the party who have fragile dispositions, alright?
Nellie: I- I agree. I totally agree with you.
Natalia: This would all be better if everybody shut up.
Nellie: Mm-hmm.
Tez: I- I promise to speak less.
General Typhoon: Where does the trail of blood lead off to?
Sage: And then!
[Startling shriek!]
[General Typhoon and Nellie gasp.]
Right there…a figure…at the edge of this trail of blood. Where the red starts becoming yellow…
[Nellie gasps quietly. The figure chitters.]
Natalia: [wary] Tony?
Sage: The silhouette turns around slowly.
[Creature chitters.]
It’s deformed.
[Nellie gasps in horror.]
There are limbs protruding from spots it shouldn’t. The head of Rookie Tony is dangling down in front.
Nellie: Oh…
Sage: You can’t even tell where the eyes are.
Tez: Now, I’m not one to make judgements at first sights, I don’t believe in it, but can you tell me, did your friend always look like this? ’Cause it’s seems—
Nellie: [tearful] No.
Tez: Okay.
Nellie: He didn’t.
Natalia: I’m going to shoot it. Dat is not Tony, and it is going to die.
[General Typhoon quickly lifts his gun.]
General Typhoon: It’s a abomination!
[The creature growls.]
Roll Combat! Pistol!
[Heroic beep.]
Sage: Heroic action.
David: Alright, I got a 9!
[Success chime.]
Sage: Boom, headshot! Rookie Tony is taken out.
[Nellie sighs in shock. The creature collapses and she starts crying.]
Natalia: It was a mercy killing.
Tez: My condolences.
Nellie: I was in love with him.
[Sage chuckles.]
[Nellie cries.]
Tez: Oh…
General Typhoon: Dammit all to hell!
Nellie: [tearful] I never told ’im!
Sage: And then, like a swarm…the silhouette, where it once stood, becomes a cloud. Growing as they step into the light.
Natalia: Well, I guess you can profess your love to whatever that is.
[Horror music begins to build. Creatures chitter.]
Sage: You see it form, and it becomes clearer. Dozens of little spores, grotesque humans and Covenant, and they’re coming right for you.
General Typhoon: They’re comin’ right for us!
[Nellie screams.]
Quick!
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
[General Typhoon and Natalia open fire on the creatures.]
Sage: Everybody roll me Combat, Legendary action.
Jessica: Fuck. Mm. I got a 3.
[Failure chime.]
Emily: 4.
[Failure chime.]
Travis: 3.
[Failure chime.]
Sage: WapWap a 3.
[Failure chime.]
[Jessica sighs sadly.]
And General Typhoon?
David: 5.
[Failure chime.]
Sage: [amused] Oh no!
[Gunfire continues.]
General Typhoon: There’s too many of ’em!
Sage: They come in closer.
Natalia: Shit!
Sage: They start going at your ankles and biting you.
General Typhoon: AH!
Natalia: Shit!
Nellie: Ah!
[Gunfire continues.]
Aw, ow, ow!
Natalia: Retreat. Retreat!
Tez: We need to get out of here. We need to get out of here, we need to regroup.
General Typhoon: We need to get the hell- we never should’ve come here!
Nellie: [tearful] Oh. Tony. Tony!
General Typhoon: We never should’a come here!
[Running footsteps.]
Sage: Everybody starts retreating out of the base from whence they came, but they can’t find the exit! Then you hear poor WapWap!
Tez: WapWap!
[WapWap sobs and his voice grows distant.]
No!
General Typhoon: Let ’im go!
Tez: WapWap!
General Typhoon: Let ’im go!
WapWap: [fading] I just wanted to go home! Don’t leave me, please!
General Typhoon: I called ’em like I see’d ’em!
Natalia: We have to go! We cannot go back for anybody!
Sage: And as you get further away, WapWap is left behind. Lost and alone amidst this dark labyrinth of identical hallways. You have all lost health, and the Flood is pursuing you.
Tez: This is exactly my problem with everybody’s obsession with the military government! It’s always shoot first, and diplomacy not—
[Everyone starts frantically talking over each other.]
General Typhoon: This is not exactly your problem! This is zombies, it’s your problem. This is not exactly your problem! This is zombies.
Tez: [stammers] We need to get out of here. Let’s get out of here we’ll discuss it—
General Typhoon: We’re the fuck is the exit here?!
Tez: We’ll discuss it—
Nellie: Hail Mary full of grace—
Tez: We will discuss it later.
Nellie: —the Lord is with thee.
[Heroic beep. stat test chime.]
Sage: Everybody roll me Command, a Heroic action, to see if you can find your way out of this dark base.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Jessica: 3.
[Failure chime.]
David: 6.
[Failure chime.]
Travis: 6.
[Failure chime.]
Emily: 10.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Everybody’s lost.
[Nellie wails pitifully.]
But, luckily, Natalia sees… [gasps]
Natalia: That way! Th-there’s a hallway. Over there. Go, go, go, go, go!
Tez: Good god.
Natalia: Quickly!
Tez: How was anybody supposed to find that?
General Typhoon: There’s little triangles on the floor!
Tez: They don’t point in the right direction!
General Typhoon: We should’a been following these little triangles on the floor this whole time!
Tez: They're not pointing in the right direction!
General Typhoon: Ahhhhh!
Tez: The triangles are a fucking lie and everyone knows it!
Natalia: Follow the sound of my melodious voice.
Sage: Following the arrows on the floor, they go through a doorway and then it shuts!
[Door slams shut. Music halts. Nellie and Tez pant.]
They are safe—
Tez: Good god.
Sage: —from these monstrosities for now. But not for long.
[Dark, suspenseful music.]
Nellie: [fearful] Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
Tez: That is exactly what I think the gun was meant to destroy.
Nellie: [tearful] Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, at the hour. Amen.
Natalia: Nellie, if you do not stop that, I will have to hit you.
Nellie: Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. This is my—
General Typhoon: Nellie, stand up. Nellie- Nellie- Nellie- Nellie. Nellie!
[Nellie sobs and continues praying.]
Tez: She has a right to practice her faith. everyone has a right to practice whatever faith- whatever makes them feel better. We do not need to suppress anybody’s ambitions.
General Typhoon: We’re gonna have to shake her. Just grab her and shake her. Just- just grab her and shake her.
Emily: Can I slap her?
[Easy beep. Stat test chime.]
Sage: Natalia, roll for Combat. You want to roll low. This is an Easy action.
General Typhoon: I’d do it, but I’m a Christian man.
Emily: 3.
Sage: 3.
[Success chime.]
Oooo! [chuckles]
[SLAP!]
Nellie: Ahh!
Sage: [stifles laughter] -2 Health from Nellie.
[Nellie takes a deep, tearful breath.]
Emily: [amused] Oh no!
Travis: Wow!
Nellie: [tearful] Oh my god.
Natalia: She was having a panic attack. What was I supposed to do?
Nellie: [tearful] Natalia. [sobs] How could you do that to me?
Natalia: It’s still Major, but I’ll forgive it this time.
General Typhoon: You were caught up in the Spirit. [David stifles laughter] The Spirit had ya!
Nellie: I’m not meant for this world. I’m not supposed to be here. Honey…
[She begins hyperventilating.]
Tez: Look at me. Look at me, look at me.
Nellie: Okay. I’m lookin’ at you.
Tez: None of us are supposed to be here. This is—
[Nellie moans.]
This is a fool's errand. This is all a huge misunderstanding. And the work of religious zealots and maniacs. If we work together, we can make it through this. We can make a better world for all of us. A better galaxy for every species.
[Nellie takes calming breaths.]
I promise we’re gonna be okay.
Nellie: [sighs] Thank you, Tez.
[Something hums and sings as it approaches.]
Tez: What in the Sam fuck is that noise?
General Typhoon: That’s creepy.
Natalia: Vhat was that?
Sage: You hear an echoing voice, robotic sounding.
General Typhoon: It’s Siri!
[Sage chuckles.]
Tez: What is a Sir- what- what- what’s that?
General Typhoon: It’s a long story, brother. Don’t even worry about it.
[Chuckling.]
Natalia: Hello? Some’zing there?
Sage: You look up, and there’s this orb floating above you.
Orb: Oh! Yes. Hello.
Natalia: Ah! It Roomba with wing.
Orb: Mm! Reclaimers.
Natalia: W-what?
General Typhoon: Huh?
Orb: Are you lost?
General Typhoon: Yeah.
Tez: Absolutely.
Orb: Hmm. Very curious. Let me think. It appears that your kind has abandoned you.
General Typhoon: [sarcastic] Thanks.
[Sage snickers.]
Natalia: That is one way to put it.
Nellie: We’re as lost as an egg on Easter, so help us out here.
Tez: Excuse me, who- who are you exactly and what is your business here on this, uh, ring world? You look like you inhabit natively, and I respect your culture and your right to be here. We’re not trying to—
General Typhoon: What culture?! He’s a robot! What is it with you and culture all the time?!
Tez: There's nothing- there’s no- there's no- nothing that says—
General Typhoon: Dios mio!
Tez: —that robots can’t have culture. It’s not my- you- every- not everything has to be—
General Typhoon: Hold on. Hold on! Do you have culture?
Orb: I am not sure what you mean. But you may call me 343 Guilty Spark. I am the monitor of this installation.
General Typhoon: You see?! He doesn’t got culture worth a shit! You’re just full of it—
Natalia: You said that you have met other Reclaimers before.
343 Guilty Spark: Oh, yes.
Natalia: Vhat do you mean?
343 Guilty Spark: I assisted, and was assisted by, the one you call John 117. The Master Chief.
[Nellie and General Typhoon gasp.]
Nellie: Oh!
General Typhoon: [awed] Dude, can you gimme his autograph?
343 Guilty Spark: I’m afraid that’s outside of my protocol.
General Typhoon: Damn.
Natalia: Is John coming to save us or are we fucked?
343 Guilty Spark: The Reclaimer is on his way off the ring as we speak. He made no mention of you.
[Nellie gasps.]
General Typhoon: Damn.
Tez: This is why we refer to him as “The Demon”. Nothing but bloodshed and despair in his wake.
General Typhoon: Navi, how d’we get outta here?
343 Guilty Spark: Hmm. I believe there is an exit nearby. I noticed an M12 Force Application Vehicle outside. Your kind uses it to travel in groups of three.
Nellie: [gasps] A Warthog?
343 Guilty Spark: Indeed.
Nellie: Oh, those are so fun. They’re like little go karts!
General Typhoon: They’re like big go karts.
Nellie: Oh, they’re like big go—
General Typhoon: There you go.
Nellie: They’re like big—
343 Guilty Spark: They are rather large.
Nellie: They’re big kid- I meant to say they’re like big kid- they remind me o’ little go karts like when I was a kid, but they’re bigger for adult size. So it’s- it’s like a little g- go kart, but for me now. Now that I’m big.
[Sage snickers.]
343 Guilty Spark: Nice save.
Natalia: And they have gun.
General Typhoon: You heard ’er, Tinker Bell! Get us the hell outta here, we don’t care how dangerous it is!
343 Guilty Spark: Very well! Right this way.
[343 Guilty Spark hums away. Moody, spiritual music plays.]
Sage: And he opens a locked door. You walk through many repeating corridors, seemingly endless. Eerie, low hums reverberate around the sacred walls, littered neatly with strange technology and engraved metal. Aged 100,000 years old at least.
A confusing dread. Alive but empty. It’s as if walking through an ancient tomb.
Tez: Excuse me. Excuse me, Monitor.
343 Guilty Spark: Yes?
Tez: I- I can’t help but ask if these relics that we are ser- currently walking through are that of Forerunner, uh, design and ingenuity?
343 Guilty Spark: Ah, yes, of course! My creators.
Tez: I knew it. So this is- this is a Forerunner-built world that we’re on, correct?
343 Guilty Spark: One of many, yes.
Tez: One of many? Okay so am I correct in assuming that this, that we are on, is not in fact the key to transcendence to the next life as the Covenant has so declared, but is in fact a weapon of mass destruction?
343 Guilty Spark: The installation was well-conceived. It is surely the only way to stop the Flood threat. A dam if you will.
Tez: Okay, I do not know what that means.
343 Guilty Spark: Once activated, it will starve the Flood of food, and therefore eradicate their entire population. Over time, of course.
Tez: Is the Flood- is that the little things that we- that we had on us with the—
343 Guilty Spark: That is correct. Your kind might refer to them as crusty zombies.
Tez: Okay. That sounds good. I don’t know how the wires got crossed and we decided that was our holy grail, but that’s fine. Whatever. We’ll figure it out.
343 Guilty Spark: Yes. The Covenant seems very confused.
Tez: You don’t know the half of it.
Nellie: [burps] I’m so nervous.
General Typhoon: We’re gonna have ta blow this thing up. That’s the only way outta this.
343 Guilty Spark: Mm. Unfortunate. That is the same conclusion your Reclaimer Master Chief came to. I’m afraid we cannot allow that to happen.
General Typhoon: What a minute. Master Chief’s gonna try ta blow up this ring? We can’t let that happen. If anybody can do that, it’s him!
Tez: Well does it—
General Typhoon: He got so pissed at- one time at a McDonalds, [stammers] tore a soda machine outta the wall!
Nellie: What are you… Okay.
Tez: That’s ridiculous, though—
Natalia: As much as I like big guns, I don’t necessarily want to die on big exploding gun. So perhaps it is better that we get off of said gun.
343 Guilty Spark: Oh, you could try. Of course, as I said, I’m leading you to an exit. Give it your best shot, but I’m gonna go over there and stop Master Chief in just a couple of minutes.
Nellie: Well, well—
343 Guilty Spark: And after we’re done, I will be activating the ring-
Nellie: Na- no—
343 Guilty Spark: —and starving the flood of all food.
Nellie: Well, I’m sorry—
Natalia: All of this is bad.
Nellie: You want to destroy all life?
343 Guilty Spark: Installation 04 has a maximum effective radius of 2500 light years. Once fired, all life within that zone will be eradicated.
Tez: By that logic it doesn’t matter whether we stay or we go. So by that- so with that, we should stay and do our best to—
General Typhoon: Tesla!
Tez: What?
General Typhoon: This is not about logic! Stop it with the stoicism and the zen and the warrior code. We need ta get the hell off this thing before it burns down with all of us on it!
Tez: Well ma- what makes you so sure Master Chief is gonna be able to achieve this lofty goal of being a single man and exploding an entire intergalactic space weapon?
General Typhoon: Because he’s an Earthling! Dipshit.
[Sage and Travis chuckle.]
Nellie: And he’s our Lord and savior.
General Typhoon: Damn right.
Natalia: I heard he has accomplished many things, and I’m sure he’s capable of blowing up space ring.
Tez: I can do nothing but respect the democratic process. By this measure, we must leave.
[Sage laughs.]
Sage: The monitor opens a door for you all, and suddenly…snow.
[Gentle music; a rendition of “Under Cover of Night”.]
As far as the eye can see. A complete change in biome. You’ve only been walking for about an hour, and yet it’s as if you’re in a completely different part of the ring.
Nellie: [awed] Oh my god. It’s like walkin’ in a Christmas movie. I’ve always wanted to be around snow.
Tez: I keep saying that the climates in the- throughout the galaxy are erratic! The amount of- of- of damage we are doing to the interstellar climate is absolutely abhorrent and it’s the- the evidence is right—
General Typhoon: This isn’t even a real planet, goddammit!
343 Guilty Spark: [singing over them] Hmmmmmmmmm!
Tez: It behaves the same! The effects are still absolutely evident!
General Typhoon: You’re talkin’ about- what’re you talkin’ about? If it—
343 Guilty Spark: [cheery] Shut up! If you care to leave the ring before it’s activation or destruction, either way you’re probably going to die, but at the other side of this canyon, I did see an aerial vehicle. Just on the other side of all that warfare.
Sage: And you look. Covenant fighting flood, fighting humans.
Nellie: Uh…oh…
General Typhoon: Hey it’s those assholes who left us behind.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Natalia: Maybe we can just run through it fast enough that nobody will see us.
General Typhoon: Look, I’ve been in my share o’ three ways, and I gotta tell you the best way through is to just get that done as quickly as possible.
Nellie: Did you just say that you’ve been in a threesome?
General Typhoon: It’s three ways. It’s the Covenant, it’s the Flood, and the humans. That’s what is- what did you think I meant?
Nellie: You’ve had sex with the Covenant and the Flood?
General Typhoon: Not yet I haven’t.
[Stifled laughter.]
343 Guilty Spark: As mentioned, I noticed a Dropship 77-Troop Carrier on the other side of this snowy canyon. There is a Warthog over there, and a Ghost over there. You may have just enough time to get to the other side. Best of luck. I’m afraid I have other matters to attend to.
Nellie: You’re not gonna come with us?
343 Guilty Spark: Absolutely not. Your Reclaimer is attempting to blow up the Installation, and I must go do my due diligence and stop him and activate the ring to stop the Flood.
Natalia: Okay, bye.
343 Guilty Spark: Ta ta!
Sage: [amused] And the monitor literally vanishes in front of you with a yellow, teleporty beam.
Natalia: Das Vedanya.
Tez: WapWap would love to see that.
[Nellie sighs.]
WapWap loved magic tricks.
Nellie: I miss that little WapWap.
[Combat in the background.]
Natalia: Should we maybe have shot that guy?
Tez: As a noted pacifist, my gut reaction is to say no we should not have. But it appears that one of two things is going to happen. Either this ring is going to explode or it’s going to be fired. Regardless, it’s probably paramount that we leave now.
General Typhoon: Okay, Timberland, you’re gonna have to take that Ghost and cover us while we drive on over to that spaceship and get the hell outta here.
Tez: I’m sorry, what did you call me?
General Typhoon: I don’t know your name!
Tez: My name is Tez ’Tunam! Names are extremely important in sangheili culture. It is all we have. The fact that you humans have designated us as something called “Elites” is an absolute disgrace and insult to our culture!
General Typhoon: Are you gonna guard us in the Ghost or are you not?
Tez: I’m gonna guard you in the Ghost! I’m going to the Ghost!
Sage: And everyone straps in.
[A piano chord; Action-packed “Halo Theme” begins.]
[Footsteps on snow as they enter the vehicles.]
General Typhoon: I got- I got the minigun on top. Who’s drivin’?
Natalia: I’m driving. I don’t trust either of you.
Nellie: I call passenger. But I just gotta say, this Warthog is not lookin’ in tiptop shape.
General Typhoon: Don’t hit anything.
[Vehicles rev up.]
Natalia: Let’s ride this baby ’til she dies! How ’bout it?
General Typhoon: Whooooo!
Nellie: Let’s- let’s avoid swervin’ as much as we can. I get really motion sick, and I do not feel like vomitin’ on anybody tonight.
General Typhoon: Punch it!
[Natalia slams her foot on the accelerator.]
Gas, gas, gas, gas, gas!
[Nellie makes nauseous noises. Engine and driving sounds throughout.]
Sage: We begin driving through a warfare of UNSC forces, Covenant forces, and Flood infantry!
General Typhoon: Get some!
[Sage chuckles.]
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
Sage: Alright.
David: I got 11!
[Success chime.]
Sage: Damn!
General Typhoon: I’m gonna fry you up like hog bacon!
Nellie: [taunting] You better give your heart to Jesus, 'cause your ass is his!
[Travis laughs.]
General Typhoon: [amused] Nice!
Natalia: [amused] Yes!
General Typhoon: [amused] Nice.
Sage: But then there’s a Wraith. A big, blue tank, and it’s firing right at you!
Nellie: Ahhhhh!
General Typhoon: AHHHHHH!
Tez: Ahhh!
[General Typhoon fires on the tank.]
Sage: Boom! A big blue explosion.
[Nellie sighs in relief.]
General Typhoon has taken it out.
General Typhoon: Yeeeehaaaw!
Natalia: Nice one.
Sage: Tez pulls up, riding on the side of them in the Ghost.
Tez: That was a completely unnecessary act of violence!
General Typhoon: Shut up and fire those things!
Nellie: You gotta admit that there’s a little thrill in this. Ooo! I’m gettin’ my goose all loosened up.
Sage: [gasp] A spore lands in the passenger seat on Nellie’s lap! Nellie, roll Legendary Combat!
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
Nellie: Ahh!
General Typhoon: AhhH!
Jessica: Oh god. I got a 3.
[Failure chime.]
Sage: Oh no! It’s nibbling on you!
Nellie: Ow!
Sage: -2 Health!
Natalia: Hold on, I’ll take it for sharp turn.
[Sage snickers.]
Nellie: Ow!
Sage: Ooo, alright.
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
Emily: 9.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Nice! You’re able to throw it off right in time.
Nellie: Oh, thank heavens.
Sage: And you also cut off Tez! Who is coming right at you, about to T-bone you with the Ghost!
Nellie: Oh.
General Typhoon: Ahhh!
Natalia: Shit, shit, shit, shit!
Sage: Tez, roll me Command!
[Heroic beep. Stat test chime.]
Tez: God dammit, learn to use your goddamn blinker!
Travis: 7.
[Success chime.]
Sage: Wow! I need to make this game fucking harder [chuckles]. The two vehicles are about to collide, but then Tez is able to just... whoop!
[The Ghost revs up and jumps over the Warthog.]
[chuckles] Right over the Warthog!
[Nellie groans sickly.]
But! Nellie is not feeling well.
[She groans again.]
Natalia: If you throw up on me, I will kill you.
General Typhoon: Nellie, what the hell is wrong with you? Get her a med pack!
Nellie: You used all of my medpacks.
General Typhoon: Dammit. What’ve I done? What have I done?!
Sage: What our heroes don’t see is they are heading straight for a Flood carrier form.
Travis: That sucks.
Sage: They’re like these big, walking sacks and they explode into dozens of little spores.
Jessica: [worried] Oh.
Sage: They’re going right for it and if it gets the chance, it’s gonna flop on the ground and blow up. Unless Tez…
[Heroic beep. Stat test chime.]
Can shoot it down in time. Roll me Combat, Tez. Heroic.
General Typhoon: Get that walking scrot out of our way! [David stifles laughter]
Tez: War is not the first answer, but it is certainly an answer.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: Natural 7.
[Success chime.]
Sage: [gasps] Roll again.
Jessica: [pleased] Fuck.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: Natural 7!
[Success chime.]
Sage: [gasps] Roll again!
Travis: That time I got a 6.
[Success chime.]
Game Voice: Double kill.
[Tez fires. Explosion! Guitar solo shreds in the background.]
Sage: The Flood carrier form blows up before the Warthog can get in front of it. And there’s another one right behind it, but then boom!
[Tez fires again. Another explosion!]
Tez is able to blow it up.
Tez: I was always for a strong military, just with more civic industry!
[Action music mellows, tribal drums continue to pound.]
General Typhoon: Hold on, Nellie! Only a little bit further!
Nellie: [gasps] Alright, sir. I’m holdin’ on for the team.
[She starts breathing to calm herself]
Sage: And then right there, a Pelican! A small UNSC plane, down but operable.
General Typhoon: It’s a whirly bird! I know all about whirly birds! Nellie, we gotta get into that thing, now!
Sage: But then, almost as if it’s defending your one means of escape, a Banshee, a Covenant aerial vehicle, is coming in. And it’s coming right for you, fast and low!
General Typhoon: Natalia, do you have any sticky grenades on ya?
Natalia: Vone.
General Typhoon: Maybe we, uh, maybe we wanna give the Covenant—
Natalia: Yes, yes. Now is that time. I know, I know. I’m going to try to explode the giant sky penis!
Sage: Mm. Alright.
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
[Dice roll on the table.]
Emily: Yeah. That’s a no [chuckles].
[Failure chime.]
Sage: [gasps] Oh no.
[Natalia chucks the grenade. Several airy whooshes.]
It does a Banshee trick…
Natalia: Shit!
Sage: And dodges.
General Typhoon: Dammit they didn’t have Banshee tricks until the second one.
[Sage laughs.]
Dammit!
Sage: Shut up! [chuckles]
Tez: Well, I hate to use this, but I have a sticky grenade of my own, and I am—
[He pulls it out and holds it up.]
And I am—
Natalia: Throw it!
General Typhoon: Throw it! No time for speeches!
Tez: —much more familiar—
Natalia: Throw the grenade!
Tez: Well it’s just that I think that we all should give a second to recognize the folly of this military conflict.
Nellie: Just let ’im speak. There’s somethin’ about ’im talkin’ that makes me feel better just a little bit.
General Typhoon: Just throw the grenade!
[Sage chuckles.]
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: Okay, how does a 2 sound? [amused] What does that get me?
[Failure chime.]
[Dreadful “oofs” from everyone.]
Sage: Tez looks and he’s about to throw the grenade, and he sees the feet dangling from the Banshee. It’s not an Elite driving that Banshee.
Tez: They let an Unggoy drive the Banshee? That’s such- that’s such a progressive stance to take. That’s such- that’s such a sign of respect that they’ve shown.
Natalia: We are all going to die!
Tez: You know on the homeworld, they had- they had a saying called Hwa Kwa Unggoy—
General Typhoon: Stay with us Tiananmen. Stay with us.
Sage: And the grenade that’s been in his hand blows up!
Nellie: Tez!
[Tez screams and the grenade explodes.]
Sage: A Legendary feat. Tez ’Tunam…
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
Roll to survive.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Travis: I got an 8, so suck my dick.
[Success chime.]
Sage: What?! [chuckles]
Travis: You cannot kill the movement.
[Sage and Jessica chuckle and clap.]
he movement is too big. It is too strong. We are too many.
Sage: Tez goes flying!
[Tez screams, sailing through the air.]
And then falls to the snowy floor.
Nellie: Ugh.
General Typhoon: No wonder they kicked you outta the army.
Sage: Tez is fine for now, but that Banshee’s still flying around. The marines need to roll me Combat.
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
Jessica: I got a 5.
[Failure chime.]
Emily: 5.
[Failure chime.]
[Sage sighs.]
Jessica: Slim pickin’s.
Sage: Wait, what did Typhoon get?
David: 12.
[Success chime.]
[Laughter.]
Sage: Well. The Banshee turns around and fires on the Warthog very quickly.
[The Banshee fires its lasers. Bloody impact. Nellie grunts.]
Nellie gets shot.
Nellie: Ahh.
General Typhoon: Nellie!
Natalia: Shit!
Sage: Natalia also gets hit.
[The Banshee fires again. Natalia grunts.]
Natalia: Ah, fuck!
Sage: She’ll be fine. But Nellie, not so much.
Nellie: I think I’m seein’ the Light.
General Typhoon: Nellie, no! Stay with us! Nellie! No, Nellie!
Sage: Meanwhile, General Typhoon is just sitting alone in that turret, firing on as many enemies as possible!
[The turret cocks and fires rapidly. General Typhoon screams throughout.]
With that 12 he’s able to clear the entire battlefield, including the Banshee!
[The turret stops firing and lets out smoke. The Banshee explodes and crashes.]
General Typhoon: Aaaggh!
Natalia: Nellie, put pressure on wound.
Nellie: I know. I’m a medic, I- [gasps] but I think my time has come. But I- I have all my faith in you.
General Typhoon: No, Nellie! Stay with us!
[He jumps off the Warthog and hurries over to the passenger seat.]
Nellie, I’ll give you my blood!
[Stifled laughter.]
Quick, gimme some tubes and- and shit. Y’know like they did in Mad Max. Take my blood!
Sage: Tez crawls over through the snow and joins them.
Tez: Oh no. Oh no, I’m so- what- are you okay?
Nellie: I’m dyin’ there.
General Typhoon: Jimmy! How d’you Elites- how do you cure yourselves?
Natalia: Nellie, do you want me to end it for you?
General Typhoon: [angry] Not yet!
Tez: We- we have, uh, shielding on our armor, so I only took maybe- I mean, I’m hurt for certain, but not as much as I would’ve been had I not had a generous overshield.
General Typhoon: Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit. No! I can’t lose another one. It’s like WapWap all over again!
Tez: Uh do- do you have a- a- maybe a, uh, uh…
Nellie: We don’t have any more health packs ’cause the General kept jumpin’ off the ship and I kept havin’ to heal him. And I would’a been alive right now if I didn’t get slapped.
General Typhoon: Well if I had known… Aw, man!
Tez: Hold on. Wait, wait. There are many humans here. They were in the field. I do not- I do not know where they’ve gone, but one of them somewhere must’ve had to have a health pack maybe in a corner. Maybe behind a tree.
Natalia: The Pelican.
Tez: The what?
Natalia: Th-there are health packs.
Tez: Okay, what is a Pelican?
General Typhoon: A pelican is a bird. It’s an aquatic bird. It holds food in it’s- in its beak.
Tez: If we find it, we can capture it.
[Sage snickers.]
And we can get the health packs from the pelican.
Nellie: You better act quick, son, ’cause I’m seein’ Jesus Christ right in front o’ me, and I wanna be right in his arms.
General Typhoon: Go away, Jesus! No, Jesus, leave ’er! We need ’er for stuff!
Natalia: Fine. I will go. I am going. I will go.
[They crunch through the snow.]
Sage: We go to the back of the Pelican. Inside of the little- the little, uh, uh, uh- it’s not the cockpit, but it’s like—
General Typhoon: It’s the lounge! Get ’er into the lounge!
[Sage chuckles.]
Sit ’er down here in the lounge real quick.
[Nellie moans in pain. They lay her down.]
Nellie: Mama…mama…
Natalia: [irked] Okay, please stop that. I will give you health pack.
[She grabs it from the wall and kneels next to Nellie.]
Nellie: Oh okay.
Natalia: Open wide.
Sage: Rolling for Medicine.
[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]
This is gonna take Intel.
[Jessica groans.]
[Dice roll on the table.]
Emily: Ya [chuckles]. That’s a 9.
[Success chime.]
[Relief from everyone. Nellie gasps as she’s healed.]
Sage: Oh my god!
Nellie: The flow of the breath of Jesus is my lungs.
Sage: Natalia is able to patch up these wounds.
Natalia: Okay, deep breath.
Sage: And Nellie is feelin’ better.
Tez: She sees a flash of white light, and there’s a sharp inhale.
Nellie: Five seconds. Deep breath in.
Natalia: You’re going to be fine.
Nellie: Oh, thank you so much.
[Natalia closes the empty health pack.]
Natalia: Don’t mention it.
General Typhoon: Natalia, I need you to fly us outta here. Take command.
[Her suit creaks as she stands.]
Natalia: Not much of a pilot. But I’m probably better than Rookie Tony was, so…
General Typhoon: All I know is guns and swearin’. I don’t know anything about drivin’ this thing.
Natalia: Alright, buckle up!
[They get in their seats. Buckles and rustling throughout.]
Tez: Now I think it’s ridiculous that the Spartans are granted shields and that you are not. I think that’s completely unfair and unjust. Everybody who serves in the military should be gi—
General Typhoon: Can we all take a vote about whether or not we’re leavin’ this guy behind?
[Travis chuckles.]
Nellie: I want him with me!
General Typhoon: Ah.
Nellie: He is my comfort blanket.
General Typhoon: [put out] Fair enough.
[Natalia flips some switches.]
Natalia: Ah! Have not done this since training. Brings me back to good old days. We’re going out of here!
[The Pelican activates and its engines thrust.]
We’re going to be fine!
Sage: And as the Pelican lifts off the ground, the snow bursting in all sorts of directions, we’re going higher and higher, exiting the snowy canyon. And then you see, outside of the cockpit of the Pelican, a voice. A small figure running towards you.
WapWap: Wait!
[Emotional music.]
WapWap: Wait! Waiiit! Waaiit!
Tez: W-what? Is that… that can’t be…
Nellie: Oh my god!
[Everyone begins speaking over each other.]
Natalia: Oh.
Tez: WapWap?
Natalia: Did you hear that?
WapWap: [distant] Don’t leave me!
Tez: WapWap!
General Typhoon: We’re not waiting.
WapWap: [distant] Tez! Don’t!
[Nellie stammers.]
Tez: We have- we have to- we have to go back!
General Typhoon: No.
Nellie: But he’s alive!
General Typhoon: We gotta keep goin’.
Nellie: He’s gonna die!
Natalia: We cannot turn around.
WapWap: [distant] I’m here! I made it!
Tez: WapWap!
WapWap: [distant] You would never believe!
General Typhoon: It’s not- we can’t turn back now. We gotta go!
Tez: We gotta do something!
General Typhoon: Natalia, keep going!
Natalia: We have to keep going. There is no other way.
General Typhoon: Keep going!
WapWap: [distant] Oh no! There’s two Hunters coming right this way!
Nellie: Oh no. Gotta stop—
WapWap: [distant] No! Guys!
Nellie: We gotta hold on for- I can’t—
Natalia: I’m going to pull up.
General Typhoon: The ring has him.
Tez: WapWap!
General Typhoon: The ring has him! Just keep going.
Natalia: Hold on.
Tez: WapWaaaaap!
WapWap: [distant, sobbing] Teeeez!
[Tez continues screaming as the Pelican exits the atmosphere.]
Sage: And the Pelican, with Natalia driving, exits the atmosphere of the Halo ring.
Tez: How could you leave him behind like that?! That’s absolutely- it’s und- da- it’s- this is unconscionable behavior.
Natalia: We’d already left him for dead. What does it matter?
General Typhoon: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Tez: I—
General Typhoon: Isn't that your whole MO?
Tez: Yeah, but I’ve- I’ve never really had it turned against me like this.
[The main Halo motif plays; soft and ambient.]
Sage: And then Tez, in an emotional rage, looking out the window towards the Halo ring…
[Muffled vibrations.]
A huge flare of light.
[Nellie gasps.]
General Typhoon: Oh shit.
Natalia: Shit.
Sage: A piece of the ring breaks off.
[Vibrations.]
Nellie: Ah- oh…
Natalia: He’s doing it.
Sage: Flies through space, and hits the other end of the ring.
Nellie: He did it.
Tez: I am so sorry for your loss. We have all experienced great loss this day. Me, WapWap. You, your M-Master Chief. I’m so sorry. It’s- it- it consoles me that—
Natalia: We don’t know that he’s dead. We know he blew up part of the ring.
Nellie: He’s prob’ly still alive. He gonna—
Tez: What? What d’you mean? How is he still alive? The piece—
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Some- the ring—
Nellie: He’ll rise again. He’ll ri—
General Typhoon: He musta detonated the Pillar of Autumn's engines.
Nellie: Yeah.
General Typhoon: It’s the oldest trick in the book. He prob’ly caught a Sabre right outta there.
Nellie: He will rise again.
General Typhoon: Yeah.
Tez: What?
Natalia: He will probably be back.
Tez: What is this guy’s deal?
[Sage snickers.]
I do not understand…
General Typhoon: He read the manual. He read the manual, he knows what he’s doin’.
Sage: And then.
[Rapid beeping from console.]
Natalia notices the Pelican, it appears to power off in a way.
Natalia: [whispers] Shit. [quiet] Shit. [normal] Shit.
Sage: She’s lost control.
General Typhoon: What’s the matter?
[She flips some switches.]
Natalia: Come on…
General Typhoon: Fix it.
Natalia: W-we’ve lo- we’re losing power.
General Typhoon: Ah.
Natalia: I don’t know why, but we’re losing power.
General Typhoon: Jiggle the key.
Tez: But what about the slip space engine? Can we—
Natalia: Th-there is no- it’s a Pelican. There’s no slip space.
Tez: I don’t- what?
Natalia: No.
Tez: We can’t- we can’t go through—
Natalia: No. We are in floating coffin now that can only go so far.
Nellie, Typhoon: Oh.
Tez: I thought you were able to do interstellar travel. How did you get here if you can’t slip space?
General Typhoon: We can. It’s just…
Natalia: Well, we- we can just not this one.
General Typhoon: Y’know. This is like a- this is like a Prius or somethin’, it- it doesn’t have it.
Natalia: Let me try radio. See- see if anybody is there.
[She flips on the radio switch.]
Hello?
[Static crackles from the radio.]
Hello? This is Pelican 5954. Hello? We are in space.
Sage: Nothing. No response. Just dust and echoes.
[Natalia flips off the radio.]
Natalia: Well, it looks like…it’s just us.
[A beat. Gentle, sad music.]
General Typhoon: Well shit buddy, I guess you were right. It didn’t matter if we got off that ring or not.
Tez: Are we close to your homeworld? Is there- is there maybe a search part—
Natalia: Mm.
General Typhoon: Ohho, no. No.
Nellie: No.
Natalia: No.
General Typhoon: Nah.
Natalia: No.
Nellie: We’ve never been.
General Typhoon: No.
Tez: You’ve never been to your homeworld?
Natalia: To Earth? No, no.
[Beat.]
[Nellie sighs.]
General Typhoon: I’m gonna- I’m- I’m gonna see what’s in the liquor cabinet.
[He unbuckles and walks off.]
Tez: You know…I- I know this seems like grave circumstances and on one hand I’m…I’m truly sad that the movement that was looking to start didn’t reach its final goal and…it- it seems as that- I’m not gonna be able to see this through to the end, but despite my imessurable despair at our current circumstance, I am comforted by the fact that the movement will continue on without me.
[Beat.]
General Typhoon: Natalia, is there a way you can turn off life support?
[Travis and Sage chuckle.]
Nellie: Oh my god.
Natalia: You could just drink yourself to death.
General Typhoon: I wo- okay, fine.
[He plunks the bottle on the console.]
Have it your way.
Natalia: But I call the Vodka.
General Typhoon: Aye.
Nellie: Oh, I’m moved to tears right now.
Tez: Nellie?
Nellie: Yeah?
Tez: I really appreciate how kind you’ve been to me since—
Nellie: Oh.
Tez: —this moment when- I know we have only known each other for such a short time, but I feel a legitimate connection to you, which I know, between our two species—
Nellie: What. Just—
Tez: Okay. Let’s just—
Nellie: Bring it in. Bring it in, big guy.
[They hug.]
Tez: Alright, thank—
Nellie: I’m so glad to know you and to die with you possibly.
General Typhoon: Probably.
[Nellie cries quietly. She breaks off the hug with Tez and sits back down.]
Nellie: Well, would anyone like to play a game o’ Go Fish?
Tez: What is Go Fish?
[Sage snickers.]
Natalia: You’re going to love it.
Nellie: We got time for at least one game, right?
General Typhoon: [chuckles] Hell. I think we’re just gettin’ started.
[He pops off a champagne bottle.]
[Sad music crescendos and fades.]
Credits |
[Twilight Space music throughout.]
Kristin Couture: 20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.
Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.
Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela.
Original music score by Sage G.C.
And very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon Supporters of past, present, and future.
Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.
You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories
Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com
Narrator: A sarcophagus opened
With sacrilege uncovered.
Three lost souls
Drift into the dark of space.
Incidental horror of war?
Or the intended heresy
Of a precursor pantheon?
May it be another test of faith
On the seven deadly rings
Of THE TWILIGHT SPACE.
[Music fades.]
Thanks For Listening! |
Sage: Hey everyone! Sorry for the delayed release. As you can hopefully hear, this is a pretty demanding one, so truly, truly I appreciate the support and patience as always.
Don’t forget, if you wanna play your own version of Halo Jenkins, the system rules and character sheets are free to download at sagegc.com/games
Some quick additional music credits:
Original themes from the Halo series were composed by Martin O’Donnell and Michael Salvatori. With the original arrangement and score heard here done by yours truly.
And a huge thank you to all the guitarists who contributed to the Warthog run section. Kyle Schaefer, Justin Tolan, and Myrone. As well as Travis for mixing it.
We’re gonna drop that track sometime later this week, otherwise each score of mine from throughout THE TWILIGHT SPACE will be released on a single compilation album at sagegc.com/music probably sometime in late December or so.
And as for the next episode, I don’t want to promise anything, but I do hope to get back on track with One-Shot #4 releasing next Wednesday, November 18th. That’s the goal right now.
And again, could not be more different than Halo and the other One-Shots. And we’re very, very excited to share it.
Anyway, thank you all so much for listening and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later.