#12 - Safari Zone Poachers
20 Sided Stories
POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version
Episode 12 - Safari Zone Poachers
Air Date: March 26, 2019
[Podcast Intro music throughout.]
Sage G.C.: This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.
The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.
[Intro crescendos.]
Jessica Dahlgren: Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.
[Intro fades out.]
Prologue |
[Cheerful Route traveling music.]
Narrator: Our trainers have traveled a long way across Kanto. After exploring the Team Rocket hideout and discovering the plans for a devious Poké Petco, The Dream Police made their way to Saffron City. While Xander had left for the Cycling Road trailer park, meeting his long-lost father, Skip and Candace recall the bizarre experience they had in Sabrina's gym.
[The Dream Police walk down a dirt road.]
Candace: [groans] I don’t wanna talk about it.
Xander: Look, I know- I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but really, what- what happened?
Skip: It was really weird.
Candace: Like, really weird.
Xander: Well, you didn’t get the Badge.
Skip: We were asleep, we weren't asleep. Yes, we—
Candace: Yeah. Okay, we didn't get- we didn't get the Marsh Badge.
Xander: So d’we need to go back and get it? Or what?
Candace: No, no, no, no, no, no. We don’t need to go back.
Skip: I don't think it's gonna…
Candace: It was a lot. And my Pokémon were, like, really exhausted and then, like, Debbie she was alright. But then, like, Fiddy went out- well, but I didn’t even- Fiddy was just freakin’ out and just really scared.
Skip: There were a lot of spoons.
Xander: Okay, now I have questions. Number one: Fiddy? What?
Candace: My Haunter.
Xander: Okay, I'm gonna say again. What?
Candace: [loud and slow] Fiddy, my Haunter—
Xander: Saying it slower doesn't help.
Candace: Well, I just thought—
Skip: You know her g-g-g… her g-g-g…
Xander: Oh, the- the ghost you caught?
Candace: Yeah. My- oh! Yeah, he was my Gastly, yeah. So Fiddler, my Gastly, evolved to Haunter when you were seeing your deadbeat dad. ...Sorry. [stifles laugh]
Xander: Fine. Spoons? What about spoons?
Skip: Yeah. Lot of ’em. Maybe three.
Xander: Why was that in a battle- okay back to my original question. What happened?
Candace: [whines] I don’t even know, Xander. I don’t even- I can’t even descri- I don’t even think you’ll ever understand.
Skip: I think… I think she might be tryin’ ta help us.
Candace: Sabrina? She was glowing. And floating.
Skip: And sleeping.
Candace: It’s like Nirvana state, but it was confusing and loud.
[Beat.]
Xander: I no longer wish to know what happened.
Candace: This is why I didn’t wanna talk about it to you.
Xander: That’s okay. My bad.
[Cheerful Fuschia City theme begins to play.]
Skip: Guys! Look up ahead. Fuschia City.
Candace: Whoo! It’s pretty pretty.
Xander: Looks good. What’s there?
Skip: The Safari Zone.
Xander: The what?
Skip: The Safari Zone. It’s full of all sorts of great Pokémon.
Xander: Isn’t that just outside? Is it- so wait, is it like a theme park, or…
Skip: No, it’s a sanctuary.
Xander: Oh, so you can go look at it, like a zoo?
Skip: Yeah, but you can also throw rocks and sticks at the Pokémon.
Candace: Uh, why would wanna do that?
Xander: That was gonna be my question.
Skip: To catch them!
Xander: So wait, you can g- it’s a sanctuary where you can go catch Pokémon?
Skip: Yes. But no battling.
Xander: So it’s, like, outside but there’s a fence?
Skip: Correct.
Xander: Okay, I got it. Does it cost money?
Sage: Our trainers enter Fuchsia City and they notice immediately that it strangely feels equally like a town and a zoo. And it never really decided which one’s which. There are just- there’s a house and then there’s a pen with a Chansey in it. And then there’s another house, and then there’s just, like, an Omanyte hangin’ out in a pond with a pen around it. It all kinda blends together and nobody seems to question this.
Candace: Is there a law here? Are there laws here? Is there a Town Hall? This seems outta order.
Skip: Here, let’s go up to this big map.
Candace: You are here.
Skip: ’Kay.
Xander: [burps] There’s the Safari Zone.
Skip: Guys! Let’s go to the Gym.
Candace: Ah, yes! Redeem ourselves from that embarrassing failure without you, Xander.
Xander: What happened?
Candace: [quiet] Nothing.
Xander: Let’s go to the- let’s go to the Gym. Let’s have- let’s go have a good time.
[Episode Intro music.]
Episode 12 - Safari Zone Poachers |
[Door creaks open. Suspenseful music soars on flutes.]
Candace: [shouts] Hello?
Sage: It’s dark in the Gym. And there’s a lot of purple for some reason.
Candace: I like the color purple.
Xander: Uh…
Skip: Great movie.
[Laughter.]
Hold on. Let’s get the light. I’m feeling along the wall. I’m feeling along the wall.
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Roll for Luck.
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Success chime.]
[Light switch clicks on.]
Candace: Oh, gosh. Wow, I could’ve just used my Kadabra to light it u—
Voice: Hey! Turn that off. Turn that off.
Xander: I feel like there’s- oh! Who said that? Who said that?
Skip: Who goes there?
Voice: Turn that off!
Candace: No!
[Xander cries out in surprise.]
Show your face!
Xander: First—
Candace: In the light.
Xander: First—
Candace: You’re beautiful!
Xander: First- op.
[Travis and
Candace: I’m tryin’a be more loving.
[Boots clomp on wood as someone comes forward.]
Sage: A man steps out from the shadows.
Xander: That’s nice.
Sage: And takes a scarf off of his face.
[Uplifting Gym Lobby music plays; Traditional Japanese rendition on a Koto.]
He’s an elderly ninja. Not too old. Maybe, like, in his late fifties, early sixties.
Candace: Sir, that is a lovely scarf.
Man: Thank you.
Candace: What’s your name?
Koga: Koga.
Skip: Are you the—
Candace: Koga?
Skip: Are you the Gym Leader?
Koga: Yes. Unfortunately, once again, I am the Gym Leader here in Fuschia City.
Candace: This is where we could get the Soul Badge?
Xander: Why do you say “unfortunately”? And “once again”?
Koga: Well, not too many years ago, my daughter, Janine—very skilled trainer thanks to me—she took my spot because I got promoted to the Elite Four.
Candace and Skip: Whoooa.
Xander: What does that mean?
Candace: What? [scoffs] God, another- we’ll get there.
Xander: Okay.
Candace: Continue.
Koga: How many Badges do you have? Did you skip any Badges on your way to Koga?
Candace: Uuuh, n—
Skip: Five and yes.
Xander: No. Yes.
Candace: Well, we—
Xander: Did we? How many do we have?
Candace: We have the Thunder Badge.
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Candace: And the Rainbow Badge.
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Candace: And the Boulder Badge.
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Candace: And the Cascade Badge.
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Candace: And the Marsh Badge.
Koga: The Marsh Badge?
Candace: Yeah, we do.
Koga: The Psychic one?
Candace: Oh. No.
Koga: [burps] Listen here, children.
Candace: Gross!
Koga: I got demoted ’bout a year ago. Janine’s in the Elite Four now.
Candace: Then you should be happy for her.
Koga: [glum] I know.
Skip: You’re just jealous?
Koga: Jealous? Of my own daughter?
Candace: Well, it sounds like it.
Koga: You know what it’s like to have your own offspring be better than you?
Candace: Well… [chuckles]
Skip: None of us- none of us know what that’s like.
Candace: I know my parents know what’s that like! Right, guys? …Okay never mind.
Xander: It’s okay. [chuckles]
[Beat.]
Koga: So you wanna battle or somethin’?
Skip: Yeah!
Xander: Yeah!
Candace: Yeah! Bring it on, man!
Skip: Sorry about your demotion. Prepare to be defeated!
Candace: By…
Skip: The Dream Police!
[Xander chuckles.]
Candace: Somersault!
Skip: Cartwheel!
Candace: Heavy panting!
Xander: Oh, uh, jumping jack!
[Dream Police chime!]
Koga: Is this like a thing you do?
[The Gym Battle theme starts; Traditional Japanese rendition.]
Xander: J-jus- come on!
Skip: Drati- Dra- Dragonair, go!
[Skip throws a Poké Ball and Dragonair exits, trilling.]
Xander: We just became friends again!
Koga: Muk, go!
Skip: Dragonair, Thunder Wave!
[Dragonair trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]
Koga: Muk, use Sludge.
[Muk growls and spits a bubbling, smelly blob.]
Skip: No, Dragonair!
Candace: Oh, no.
Xander: Gross, it’s everywhere.
Skip: Don’t be fazed by it.
[Xander groans in disgust.]
Burn through that with some Dragon Rage!
[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames rush forward.]
Koga: Toxic!
[Muk growls and throws a Toxic globule.]
Xander: Is nobody else noticing that it threw itself at it?
Skip: Alright, Dragonair. It’s time to Slam him!
[Dragonair surges forward and Slams into Muk with a dull thud.]
Koga: Good thing I can resist that, because Muk isn't a solid Pokémon. It’s smushy.
Candace: [groans] He’s all everywhere.
Xander: Yo, your Muk is leaking on the outside.
Candace: It’s on my shoe!
Koga: It also can’t move ’cause you Paralyzed it with your Thunder Wave.
[Paralyze zings.]
Skip: Wow! I’m learning so much every single battle. You know what else is liquid? Water-type moves. Let’s do an Aqua Tail!
[Dragonair trills. Water bubbles around its tail as it smashes into Muk.]
Koga: Whoa. There’s water everywhere. Why don’t you retort that with Sludge.
[Muk projectile vomits, smacking Dragonair in the face.]
Skip: Oh, no!
Candace: Aqua Tail looked like it really worked! Keep going, Skip!
Koga: There you go, Muk!
Skip: Alright, let’s hit ’im again! Aqua Tail!
[Dragonair trills. Water bubbles around its tail and slams Muk.]
Koga: Muk, why don’t you Minimize yourself so he misses next time?
[Muk, growls and shrinks in on itself.]
Look at that, I bet you can’t even see where Muk went.
Candace: Oh whoa. He’s so tiny!
Koga: Like a ninja.
Candace: He should just get smaller and disappear.
Koga: One day he will if he keeps using Minimize. Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Muk, use Minimize again!
[Muk shrinks further.]
Skip: Don’t let ’em escape your sight! Let’s torch this whole building! Light ’im up! Dragon Rage!
[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames surge toward Muk.]
Koga: Oh, no!
Skip: Whoa!
Koga: Muk, get smaller and resist that Dragon Rage!
[Muk shrinks down again.]
You have only a little bit of health left.
Candace: Oh my gosh, I can barely see the thing! Where is it? Is it on me?
Xander: It’s like a little drop of sludge.
Candace: Oh, please let me know if it’s on me.
Xander: Nothin’ on you.
Skip: Dragonair can’t even see him right now. He’s like a tiny little particle. Or he’s- he’s startin’ to seep into the wooden boards that we’re fighting upon.
Candace: [worried] Yeah, he could go into our ears and into our brains and, like, eat it!
Koga: That’s right. How do you know he’s not in your shoes right now?
[Candace groans in worry.]
Crawling up your back?
[Candace groans in disgust.]
Maybe he’s hiding in your closet at home.
Skip: Maybe he’s hiding in a pile o’ water!
Xander: You don’t know where I live!
Skip: Dragonair, Aqua Tail!
[Dragonair trills. Water bubbles around its tail as it slams it onto the floor.]
Koga: Good thing Muk is gonna resist that with more Minimize!
[Muk shrinks yet again.]
Candace: Oh no, he’s so small.
Koga: Where is he? You won’t ever find out. There’s little tiny sludge bombs hiding all around you in the shadows.
Candace: [groans] I’m gettin’ the heebie jeebie’s.
Skip: I understand why this guy’s a ninja and he picked a Muk as his Pokémon. It can be all stealthy-like.
Candace: Spoopy.
Skip: Dragon Rage!
[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames shoot out and hit the stadium floor.]
Koga: Muk! That’s right, just hide. I don’t even know where you are anymore. I’m just gonna hope that you’re gonna keep doin’ what you’re doin’, alright Muk? ’Cause, uh, the- the- the jigs up, you know? I mean if you could, like, raise your hand or somethin’. Like, I…
[Music calms to a misadventure tempo.]
Hey, uh, children, do you- have you seen Muk? Like, I really don’t know where he is.
Candace: [fearful] No! It’s probably in my brain right now!
Xander: No. No, no, it’s your Pokémon, man.
Koga: Well, I- I jus—
Skip: I’m tryin’a find ’im.
Xander: Can we stop and look for ’im?
Koga: No, just- I- No, no, no. The battle’s gonna get—
Candace: This is prob’ly why you were demoted, you old man!
Koga: Hey! You shut your mouth, little girl.
Candace: Oh. [growls] Don’t tell me to shut my mouth!
Xander: You talk to your daughter like that, you prick?
[Candace steps up.]
[Music picks up to a battle tempo once more.]
Candace: Tag me in! Tag me in, Skip!
Skip: Alright. Dragonair, comeback!
[Dragonair returns to its Poké Ball.]
Candace: Alright, that’s it, mister. Your little poop, muddy thing is gonna be sorry.
Koga: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Candace: I’m gonna get my Kadabra, Debbie, on you! Debbie, go!
[Candace throws a Poké Ball and Abra KaDebra exits, with a cry.]
Alright, Debbie.
Koga: Muk, use Sludge!
[Muk projectile vomits, smacking Abra KaDebra.]
Candace: Ha! Oh!
Koga: I Poisoned your Pokémon, and it has Synchronize ’cause it’s a Psychic Pokémon, so that means Muk is also Poisoned. But it can’t be Poisoned and Paralyzed, that doesn’t make any sense.
Muk is also made of Poison. I’m getting old.
Xander: You should do something.
Candace: Oh my god, you need to shut up!
Xander: [quiet] Yeah, this guy’s…
Candace: Debbie, Psybeam!
[Abra KaDebra cries out, shooting a psychic beam toward Muk.]
Koga: Resist, Muk. Hide in the shadows and use Sludge again!
[Muk projectile vomits once more, smacking Abra KaDebra in the chest. Abra KaDebra cries out and falls with a thud.]
Look at that.
Candace: Oh, no.
[Abra KaDebra returns to her Poké Ball.]
Koga: What is your name, girl?
Candace: [stubborn] I’m not telling you my name.
Koga: [nonchalant] Alright.
Xander: Hey, Marshtomp!
[Xander and Candace switch spots.]
Go!
[Xander throws a Poké Ball and Muddy Waters exits.]
Koga: Wow, you have a Marshtomp! That Pokémon can only be found in the Hoenn region. How did you get it here in Kanto?
Xander: [loud] I found him outside my trailer park.
Koga: [quiet] Oh, that sounds like—
Xander: [loud] He was hit by a car.
Koga: [quiet] That sounds very sad.
Xander: [loud] And now he’s gonna use—shut up!—he’s gonna use Mud Bomb! Mud Bomb!
[Muddy Waters growls. Mud bubbles up and shoots forward, splattering on the floor.]
Koga: Mud against my Sludge? Good thing Muk is tiny and spread around the room.
Xander: God, how d’you- like, its- if a Mud Bomb doesn’t hit it, I’m- at this point, I don’t even know… This seems rigged. There’s all- fine. Whatever. Rock Slide!
[Rocks rumble and scrape. Muddy Waters cries out.]
Koga: No. Rocks? No, Muk!
Hey, wh-where is Muk? Like, have any of you seen Muk?
[Music slows to a misadventure tempo.]
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Xander: I don’t think he’s in the room anymore, at this point.
Koga: I have- I have not seen Muk anywhere. Like, he’s really just not anywhere.
Candace: Can we just win now? Because I think Muk just ran away, and he’s—
Koga: No, no, he’s still here. He’s hitting—
Candace: [shouts] I don’t see him!
Koga: He’s hitting you with Sludge Bombs every now and again if you just look.
Xander: How d’you- like, yeah, I- I see why you were fired. Mud Bomb again.
[Mud bubbles and launches forward.]
[Music builds to a battle tempo.]
Candace: You need to get a better hold of your Pokémon, sir.
Xander: Now he’s gotta find ’im at this point.
Koga: [realization] Th-this- this Gym’s dirty.
Xander: Yeah.
Koga: Dirty Gym.
Xander: Been throwing sludge and mud all over it for…twenty minutes.
Candace: Nice observation of your own frickin’ place, you doob.
Koga: This- this- this Gym’s dirty. It’s really- it’s really dirty in here.
Xander: [sighs wearily] Use- use Water Gun. Let’s try this. Let see if he’s…
Muddy Waters: Marshtomp.
[Water splashes. Muk hisses.]
Koga: No, wait a minute.
Xander: Oh, I think it hit ’im! I heard ’im! I heard ’im yell!
Koga: I heard- I heard it cry for help!
Xander: Oh, do it again!
Koga: You must be flooding the building.
Xander: Muddy Waters, use Water Gun!
Koga: No! Don’t flood out my poison Gym.
[Muk hisses and bubbles.]
No, Muk! He’s melting through the wood. No!
Xander: He melted!
Candace: Oh, gross! Cover your heads!
Xander: Ew! He looks like diarrhea.
Sage: We see all sorts of sludge just, like, pass over everybody and slap you all and form from a bunch of a million pieces. It’s like, you know, the Nickelodeon slime thing, but it’s purple.
[Everyone groans in disgust.]
Candace: But it looks like shit.
Sage: Yeah, that one.
[Muk returns to its Poké Ball.]
Koga: That’s okay. Because I still have Koffing.
Xander: Why does a ninja have a pile of diarrhea as a Pokémon?
Koga: Shut up!
[Koga throws a Poké Ball and Koffing exits, spewing gas.]
Xander: [amused] Okay.
Candace: Oh god. This one’s farting!
Xander: Alright, Muddy Waters. What is this thing, anyways?
[Clothes rustle as Xander pulls out his Pokédex.]
Pokédex.
Koga: That’s Koffing.
Pokédex: [beep] Koffing. The gas Pokémon. It smells and it also sounds really annoying, like this…
[Music halts.]
Koffing: [deadpan] Koffing… [hacks]
[Stifled laughter.]
Xander: Oh god, that’s- do they take it- I don’t care.
[Pokédex clicks shut.]
Mud Bomb!
[Battle music resumes!]
[Muddy Waters growls. Mud bubbles up and shoots forward, landing with a splat.]
Koga: Koffing, why don’t you use something like Smoke Screen? That way this Muddy Water Pokémon won’t be able to see you and we’ll hide—
Xander: Shut up!
[Xander shouts over Koga as Muddy Waters sprays water.]
Water Gun! Water Gun! Water Gun! I’m so no longer interested in what you have to say.
Koga: Look at all this smoke everywhere. You can’t spray through my Smoke Scre- [gasps] Koffing! No!
Xander: Marshtomp, hit ’im with Water Gun again. You need to end this. Now. I’m so sick of this guy. He’s getting on my nerves.
Koga: Good thing your Pokémon is Poisoned.
[Poison bubbles.]
Xander: I don’t care.
[Water shoots forward and splashes.]
Koga: Hey! No! Koffing, come back!
Candace: Whoa!
Xander: Drown ’im, drown ’im, drown ’im!
Koga: Stop it, come back, come back!
[Koffing returns to its Poké Ball.]
Xander: Okay.
Koga: You kids. You don’t hold back. You seem to have really good talents as trainers.
[Muddy Waters cries out in distress.]
Candace: Yeah, we’re like the bomb.com.
Skip: And we’re a team!
Xander: Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.
[Poison bubbles. Muddy Waters collapses with a thud.]
Marshtomp, get up.
[Music slows.]
Candace: Marshtomp.
Xander: Muddy Wat- get…
Koga: Children, you may be very well-versed, but one thing you have forgotten is that if your Pokémon is Poisoned, it will still take damage, even if you win.
Candace: [quiet] Oh no.
[Clothes rustle as Koga pulls out another Poké Ball.]
Koga: Weezing, go!
[Koga throws a Poké Ball and Weezing exits with a cry.]
[Beat.]
Xander: Man, you know what’s really funny about gas? Is I feel like gas is super flammable.
Koga: Yeah. So, like, don’t light a match, please. It’s happened once and it, like—
Candace: Oh! That’s right, mister.
Xander: [slow] Super fucking flammable.
[Candace runs to the edge of the stadium and switches places with Xander.]
Candace: Get ready to be sorry!
Koga: Wait, what?
Candace: Pixie, go!
[Music builds.]
[Candace throws a Poké Ball and Pixie the Ninetales exits.]
Koga: [groans] Oh, do you have a Fire Pokémon? Ah, man, this is not good!
[Pixie cries out, flaring her tails.]
Candace: Alright, Pixie. Let’s light this baby up! Ember, go!
[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]
Koga: No, it’s gonna explode! Weezing, fight back, use Sludge and Poison that Pokémon.
[Weezing cries out and lobs a Sludge blob, covering Pixie.]
Candace: [groans] Oh no. Gross! Oh, Pixie, you’re not as beautiful. Alright, uh. Pay Back, Pixie! Pay Back for that!
[Chimes are heard as Pixie builds her attack. She jumps forward and slams into Weezing.]
Koga: No, Pay Back means it’s gonna do…not that much damage.
[Weezing cries out and throws another Sludge blob at Pixie.]
Look at that.
Candace: Oh gosh!
Koga: Pixie’s losing. That’s what you call it, right?
Candace: [frantic] Okay. Pixie, just Quick Attack, Quick Attack!
Koga: I don’t nickname my Pokémon because I have disci—
[Pixie surges forward and slams into Weezing with a thud.]
Hey! That’s a very quick move. Good thing Weezing has high defense. Use Sludge again.
[Weezing cries out and lobs more Sludge toward Pixie.]
Candace: Alright, one last shot, Pixie. One last shot. Will-O-Wisp.
[Flames erupt and surge toward Weezing.]
Koga: No, it’s going to set Weezing on fire. Weezing is Burnt!
[Music cuts off.]
Candace: Oh my go—!
[A loud explosion rocks the room! Everyone screams! Debris clatters down. Flute music returns and fades out.]
Who’s That Pokémon? |
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?
[Pokémon cry.]
[Pokémon cry.]
Special Thanks |
[Radio switches on.]
Jessica and Sage: Hi! (Hello!)
Sage: Thank you so much to our newest Patrons. Starting with
Stacey C. Stacey, thank you so much.
Rhea L. Rhea, you’re the bomb.
This next patron, Jessica, wanted to be thanked in specifically the robotic voice of Nurse Joy.
Jessica: But I’m not Nurse Joy.
Sage: Do it anyway. [chuckles]
Jessica: [imitates Nurse Joy] Thank you, Maddison Upton.
Sage: [chuckles] Nice.
We got a bunch of bonus episodes for you at patreon.com/20sidedstories. But! Don’t take my word for it.
[Radio switches stations. Upbeat music.]
Lt. Surge: Attention! About face! Ears open! Hands up! At ease.
This is Lt. Surge of Vermilion City Gym.
[Charming smile flashes.]
Here at 20 Sided Stories, we love you and we know that you love us. But guess what, babies!
[Ad bounces.]
At patreon.com/20sidedstories we got some stuff that if you want it, you gotta pay up, baby.
[Whoosh!]
So you got $1? Good thing! Give us the $1, you get thanked on the show. But guess what? Let’s say you got two extra dollars. Put those $3, slap ’em in our pockets, you get some extra stuff with our Adventure Pass!
We can’t have this thing goin’ on forever if you don’t float some skrilla our way.
[Cash register dings.]
Patreon.com/20sidedstores. Give us the dough, we’ll get the flow inta ya ear.
Vermilion!
[Radio switches off and music cuts out.]
Who’s That Pokémon? |
[Who’s That Pokémon? music.]
Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Kangaskhan!
[Kangaskhan cry.]
Safari Zone Poachers - Part II |
Narrator: Meanwhile on Route 12…
[Short rival melody plays.]
Blue: Okay. First lesson.
[Birds cry. Ship horns honk.]
Get out your fishin’ rod.
[Fishing rod clatters.]
Zach: Okay.
Blue: Go stand by that dock there.
[Zach walks to the edge of the dock.]
Zach: Okay. Now what?
Blue: Now I’m gonna ask you a question. Are you serious about this Champion thing?
Zach: Heck yeah, I’m serious!
Blue: Are you serious enough to stand on this dock and fish for Magikarps?
Zach: Why would I do that?
Blue: Because you’re gonna fight 200 Magikarps.
Zach: [whining] Uncle Blue, is this—
Blue: Each of your Pokémon.
Zach: Uncle Blue, this is a joke. [chuckles]
Blue: No it’s not.
Zach: What?
Blue: You need to understand something. Pokémon get better at certain things by fighting certain other types of Pokémon. This is called Effort Values, or EVs for short.
Zach: Don’t you just fight another Pokémon and then you win?
Blue: No. Because it’s not optimized. It’s not the best you could have.
Zach: Well, what- does that even matter? ’Cause- ’cause it’s, like, as long as my level’s just a little bit higher and then I use the—
Blue: What if you're in a battle, and your Tangela is fighting, oh, I don’t know, like a Sandshrew, or- or like a- like a- like a Marowak, right? Both slower Pokémon.
Zach: I haven’t heard of either of these.
Blue: So if your Tangela is slower than either of those Pokémon, they could land a lucky critical. You could lose the battle. That might be a Gym Badge. Or an important promotion.
Zach: Well- well, those are- are those Ground-types?
Blue: Yes.
Zach: [quickly] Boom! Then I just use Water and I win.
Blue: Tangela’s a Grass—
Zach: Nailed it!
Blue: Tangela’s a Grass-type.
Zach: [nervous chuckle] Uh. Okay, well, then I’ll catch a Magikarp, and then- and then he’ll evolve into Gyarados. Got it! Nailed it!
Blue: You could do that. You could spend 20 levels training a garbage fish into a huge dragon. OR! You could teach your Tangela to be fast and never have to worry about taking that lucky crit first.
[Beat.]
Zach: [whining] Uncle Blue, this sounds like a- like a huge slogging grind.
Blue: It’s hard work. And it’ll pay off in the end. Sure it might seem boring now. And maybe people will complain that you’re [mocks] ruining the meta. And you’re taking all the fun out of it.
[normal] But no. It’s about winning. And everybody knows that the first step to winning is getting to the top first. Because if you get there first, everyone has to go through you to get to the top.
Zach: So why do- But I don’t- I don’t understand why I have to catch an Eevee.
Blue: No. No, no, no, no. E- EVs are what- Effort Values. [loud] Speed points!
Zach: [pitiful] I- Uncle Blue—
Blue: Special Experience.
Zach: [pitiful] Uncle Blue, this is too hard.
Blue: Put the rod in the water.
Zach: What?
Blue: [loud] Fish for the Magikarp.
Zach: [pitiful] Okay, here.
[Clothes rustle. A loud splash.]
Blue: You just threw your fishing rod in the water, didn’t you?
Zach: [cries] That’s what you said!
[Beat.]
Uncle Blue, you’re really—
[Zach takes a deep breath.]
[pitiful] Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just scared! [quiet] Of losing again.
[Beat.]
[quiet] They won in Oak’s Lab, by the way.
[Beat.]
Blue: [gentle] They usually do.
[Beat.]
[gentle] They usually win in the lab.
[Beat.]
Get the rod outta the water, kid.
Zach: [determined] Okay! Here we go!
[Clothes rustle. Another loud splash.]
Blue: Oh my god. He just dove into the water.
[Beat.]
He’s like, eight. Does he know how to swim?
[Scene-changes with a woosh.]
[Ambient music soars.]
Sage: We awake in hospital beds.
[Skip groans.]
Candace: [weak] Skip.
Skip: [weak] Candace?
Candace: What happened?
Skip: That Weezing blew up.
Candace: [whispers] Oh my- [gasps] Is Pixie okay?
Skip: What’s this in my hand?
[Beat.]
Sage: What?
Candace: What is it?
Skip: Is it a Badge? Did I catch a flying Badge?
[Greg stifles laughter.]
Sage: Oh you—
Skip: Oh, never mind.
Candace: I think you’re just delusional right now, Skip.
Skip: Super drunk.
Sage: You both look to your right and see Xander. Not awake.
[Danger music builds.]
Candace: Xander? Xander, ’s that you?
Skip: Pst, Xander, hey.
Candace: Xander, stop being silent all the time. Jus- Hello!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Xander, roll for Health.
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Hidden Power chime.]
What is your Hidden Power?
Travis: Confidence.
[Laughter.]
Sage: We cut to Xander’s dream.
[A whooshing chime as we enter Xander’s dream. Voices echo a bit.]
Xander: Oh man, this looks like school, except everything’s really tall. Also, I’m not wearing any pants. Oh man. This sucks. I wonder if I’m dead. Is this heaven? Aw. Aw, god that would suck so much. I guess I’ll go to class.
[Chatter in background.]
Teacher: Alright everybody. Prepare, it’s a pop quiz.
Xander: Aw, man. I didn’t—
Teacher: Xander, did you bring your report?
Xander: Oh, got my p- Ah.
Taunting Student: You ain’t got a pocket, ’cause you got no pants on!
Xander: [groans] Oh no, all I have is…this…what is this?
Sage: Xander wakes up, looking at his hand, and he has…a Badge.
Greg: This is ridiculous!
[Laughter.]
[Hopeful music.]
Skip: Xander, you’re awake!
Xander: [groans] Who gave me jewelry?
Candace: Oh my gosh! Is that what I think it is?
Xander: Is this yours?
[Candace gasps.]
Do you wear a necklace?
Candace: It’s the Soul Badge!
Sage: We see a man in a full-body cast. It’s also black. And he still has a scarf.
[Stifled laughter.]
Wheel himself in.
[Powered wheelchair hums as Koga enters the room.]
Candace: Oooooh, snap.
Koga: Children, you have been awarded—
Xander: You tried to kill us.
Koga: No- [confused] No, I didn’t.
Xander: You blew up your own building with us in it.
Koga: You called out a Fire Pokémon.
Candace: Hey. Where is Pixie?
Koga: Uh, I believe all your Pokémon are healing at the Pokémon Center.
[Candace sighs in relief.]
Right next to the entrance to the Safari Zone.
Candace: Ooo.
Koga: Uh, looks like you guys didn’t get it nearly as bad as I did.
Candace: Thank god.
Koga: Ah, it’s gonna be another year or so ’til the Gym’s back up, but uh, there’s your Badge.
Candace: Oh. That means we’re, like, the last ones to win the Badge for a long time, guys.
Xander: [weak] Hooray.
Koga: Well, there’s also this other kid. Uh, Zachary, I think—
Candace: AHHH! My god.
Koga: Yeah, he got it yesterday.
Candace: [quiet] Fucking shithead. I hate that kid.
Koga: He was with another Gym Leader. Blue.
Candace: Did they say anything?
Koga: Like, a lot of really arrogant stuff. Like “loser” and “smell ya later” and “gramps”. Stuff like that.
Candace: Sounds, you know—
Skip: Typical.
Candace: Typical.
Skip: Typical them. Yeah.
Candace: Alright, well—
Koga: Well, I’m gonna go sightsee on a Route somewhere.
Xander: You should go visit your daughter or something.
Candace: That’s a good idea.
Xander: Sounds like you got some things to work out. Not to prod or anything, but—
Koga: Nah, you’re right.
Xander: [quiet] Oh shit, okay.
Koga: We do. If you guys get to her before me—I imagine you’re challenging the Elite Four—uh, just, you know, give her my regards or whatever.
Skip: Hey, ninja dad.
Koga: Yeah?
Skip: You got it.
Koga: [softly] Thanks.
[Powered wheelchair moves away.]
Xander: [quiet] There’s a lotta dads in this area.
Skip: Anybody wanna catch any rare Pokémon?
Xander: [loud] Yes!
[Safari music. Various Pokémon cry out.]
Skip: Wow.
Candace: Whoa!
Skip: You guys, hear that rumbling?
[Quiet rumbling slowly builds.]
Candace: Oh, gross look at that Pinsir. I didn't realize they were so ugly in real life.
Xander: Why did they give us rocks?
Skip: Stampede of Tauros! Move guys!
Candace and Xander: Aaaaaaahhh!
[The two leap out of the way. A loud, rumbling stampede passes by.]
Candace: Oh my god.
Xander: They let people in here?
Candace: This place is nuts!
Xander: They charge to get in. I had to pay money to get almost wrecked by a bun- Ordos?
Skip: Tauros.
Xander: Bless you.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Sage: Our trainers are then approached by two rugged-looking Park Rangers.
Candace: [sings] We’re in the safari. [normal] Hello!
[Both rangers speak with a thick, vaguely-Southern accent.]
Ranger 1: Stop right there.
[Xander cries out in worry.]
Candace: What?
Ranger 2: Don't go anywhere!
Ranger 1: Hands up!
Ranger 2: That’s right.
[Clothes rustle as everyone puts their hands up. Candace and Xander scream. Xander pants anxiously.]
Ranger 1: Hands up!
Skip: Alright.
Ranger 1: Come on, now!
Candace: Uh, Children Lives Matter!
Ranger 1: That's enough. That's enough. That's enough.
Xander: [worried] Ah, okay.
Ranger 2: Yeah, you betta stop it there.
Ranger 1: State yer business.
Candace: Uuuhhh.
Skip: We wanted to check out the Safari Zone.
Rangers 1 & 2: [together] Ooohh. You wanna check out the Safari Zone. Ooooohhh.
Xander: Oh, this is uncomfortable. [nervous chuckle]
Ranger 1: Well, looks like we got a couple o’ live ones here, Tex.
Tex: Ain’t that right, Bex?
Bex: Yeah. You boys are in a whole lotta trouble.
Skip: [bored] One of us is a girl.
Candace: [shouts] I’m a girl!
Bex: Y’all boys and girls in a whole lotta trouble now.
Xander: Troub- Why? What did we do?
Bex: Oh, you gon’ go down. You gon’ go down hard!
Xander: [panicked] Don’t- d’you think- do they know about the forest?
[Gun cocks. Candace screams. Everyone starts yelling over each other.]
Tex: On your knees!
Bex: On your knees!
Candace: Okay, okay! I’m going, I’m going! Hey!
Xander: [fast; frantic] Do they know about the forest? This is it. Guys, we’re goin’ away. This is it. Someone told! Someone told!
Candace: You just wait ’til you find out my dad is—
Xander: I’m sorry!
Candace: —’cause you’ll be in a lot o’ trouble!
Bex: Who’s yo daddy, baby?
Candace: He's a politician in Pallet Town and my mom's a big-shot lawyer!
Xander: And my dad fronts a Cheap Trick cover band!
Candace: Yeah, and my aunt—
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
—is Aunt Clair. She was the Gym—
Bex: What about you, quiet boy? What d’you got going on?
Skip: [calm] I got a Dragonair. [shouts] Dragonair, go!
[Skip throws a Poké Ball and Dragonair exits, trilling angrily.]
Bex: Oh, wait- bu- ba- be- no!
Tex: Whoa, whoa, hey! There’s no Pokémon battlin’ in here.
[Bex lifts his gun.]
Skip: Whoa, dude!
[Dragonair trills angrily, protecting the children.]
Bex: Call her off! Call her off, boy! Call her off, boy! She gon’ get a big ol’ belly full o’ lead!
Skip: Hey man, it's not cool to shoot Pokémon with guns.
Tex: Yeah, we know all about that.
Bex: You- you boys ’n’ girls, you—
Xander: [frantic] Skip, I don't think these guys are messing around. You should call her back.
[Dragonair returns to her Poke Ball.]
Tex: That’s right, boy.
Bex: That’s right, boy.
Tex: Bex, why don’t you give ’em the low down on what’s goin’ on in the Safari Zone.
Bex: What’s goin’ happen here- you messin’ with- [grunts comically]
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Candace: I don’t even understand a word you guys are saying!
Tex: [babbling incoherently] Badbadaballah sa-blah blah!
Bex: That’s ’cause you a poachers you don’t understand what we're saying!
Xander: What? I’m not—
Candace: [shouts] I don’t like poached eggs!
Xander: I’m—
Bex: Oh, that’s the perfect excuse for a poacher.
Candace: We have our Pokédex. It says how old I am and my name!
Bex: You got Poké lies, poacher! Prepare ta meet’cha make’a.
[Gun cocks. Xander stammers in worry.]
Candace: [fearful] Uh, who’s my maker?
[Danger music builds. Bex walks forward, aiming at the group. Candace groans in fear. A tap is heard as Tex moves Bex’s gun away from its target.]
[Music cuts off.]
Tex: No, no, no. Bex, Bex, Bex.
Bex: What, what, what?
Tex: Maybe these trainers can help us.
Bex: Trainers?
Tex: Yeah, you never know.
Bex: You tellin’ me they ain’t poachers?
Tex: We don’t know for sure, but if they got a Dragonair, then it looks pretty good they might not be, you know, poachers.
Xander: We got Badges. We got- we got Badges.
Candace: We’ve got Badges!
Tex: Show me your Badges!
[Tex raises his gun.]
Bex: Badges!
[Candace and Xander cry out in worry. Backpack zips open.]
Candace: Okay, okay, okay! We got- this one is the Boulder—
Xander: [fast] You want ’em, you can have ’em. [nervous chuckle]
[Tex and Bex mumble amongst themselves.]
Candace: No! No! You can’t have ’em.
Xander: [quiet] I don’t wanna die.
Bex: Checks out.
Tex: It looks pretty legit.
Bex: Checks out.
Tex: Alright.
Bex: Alright, if you guys are really Pokémon trainers, what’s the secret Pokémon trainer password?
Tex: Yeah, that’s right!
Bex: Say it all in unison.
Tex: Ready?
Tex and Skip: One, two, three…
Dream Police: Dream Police! [Xander shouts vague noises matching Candace and Skip]
Bex: Checks out. Alright. Cool.
Tex: Yeah, alright, that's good. Alright. Just right- right this way, right this way.
Candace: [excited] You guys!
Xander: [relieved] Oh, shit, alright.
[Safari music picks up; light drum beats.]
Bex: Sorry about all the scarin’ hoopla boys and girls. It's just we got a couple o’ really screwed up poachers coming in here and they…
[Candace gasps.]
We got, you know, Ponytas with their necks slit. We got a Rhydon with its horn cut off who’ll have to die.
[Xander moans in horror.]
Tex: This big ivory trade goin’ down.
Xander: Oh my god.
Candace: Have you seen what these people look like?
Bex: We don't know. All we know is they like to hang Mankeys.
[Stifled laughter.]
And they like to- like to nail- they were nailing these—
Skip: How did they hang them?
Bex: By- by their ankles.
[Stifled laughter.]
And they went ahead and they- we got- we been recov—
Xander: Beatin’ ’em like Piñatas?
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Candace: I don’t wanna picture this!
Bex: Hold on, boy, you seem to know an awful lot about these poachers.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Candace: No, no, no!
Tex: [growls] You one o’ them, boy?
Candace: No!
Bex: I found a Hitmonchan skinned alive.
Candace: Why—
[Bex runs over and grabs Xander by the shirt.]
Bex: Was that you, boy?!
Xander: [fearful] No! It wasn’t me.
Bex: You wouldn’t no be skinnin’ no Hitmonchan for his hide would you? An’ make a Hitmonchan suit for those weird fetishists out there in the big world.
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: A what?
Xander: [crying] I did none of that!
Bex: Silly boys and girls!
Xander: [crying] I had none of that!
Bex: You comin’ in here, you poach, makin’, uh—
Xander: I- my only Pokemo- I found a Mudkip that got hit by a car and I- I made it better.
Tex: Alright, Bex, he’s cryin’. We should prob’ly give ’em a break.
Xander: [tearful] Oh my god, I’m so scared! Oh god.
Bex: I don’t know ’bout it. I’m still skeptical.
Xander: Oh god.
Bex: I’m gonna keep my shotgun out—
Xander: [whimpers] Okay.
Bex: —and cocked just in case.
[Gun cocks.]
Xander: Oh god.
Tex: Alright.
Bex: Alright.
Skip: Alright.
Candace: Alright.
Tex: Alright.
[Xander cries.]
Bex: We gonna need your help catchin’ these poachers before they go an’ they just keep killin’ and killin’ our Pokémon.
Candace: We’re- we’ll help you. We’ll help you!
Xander: [whimpers] Okay. I’ll do anything.
Bex: Turn them into prophylactics an’- an’ toys an’ all the other twisted stuff these poachers turn into—
Candace: [shouts] Xander, man up! You’re, like, sobbing right now!
Xander: [shouts] There’s a gun [weakly] in my face.
Tex: [shouts] You ever seen a Tangela untangled before?
[Stifled laughter.]
Candace: You know what, mister! You don’t wanna mess with me!
Xander: [fearful] It’s just, I don’t do well with a lot o’ noise. I have anxiety issues. I’m gonna sit down.
Bex: They’ve been grinding up our Omanytes and turnin’ ’em inta Viagra!
[Stifled laughter.]
Skip: Alright. I’m- I’m down. Let’s do it.
Bex: They been pumpin’ water inta the- the chemicals in the water turn the Mudkips gay! It’s what’s been goin’ on. You guys are gonna help us catch ’em before you—
Candace: Mister.
Bex: Prove you’re not really poachers.
Candace: Mister! MISTER!
Bex: What? Bex.
Skip: [Greg stifles laughter] Did he say he’s gonna turn your Mudkip gay?
Candace: [shouts] I don’t know what mumbo jumbo you’re talkin’ about, but you better tell us what you want us to do right now, or I’m about to go crazy on you!
Bex: Don’t you talk ’bout my mama, Bo Jumbo, like that!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Can somebody in the party roll me Sense?
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Net chime.]
[Success chime.]
Net, success and…
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Success chime.]
Success! Okay.
Travis: I’m pissing myself. [stifles laugh]
Sage: Xander is pissing himself.
Candace: Ah, gross, Xander. Wear a diaper.
[Stifled laughter.]
Sage: Meanwhile, amongst the chaos, Candace and Skip get a very, very odd feeling about these two “Rangers”.
[A jungle drumbeat begins.]
Candace: Uh… Are you feelin’ what I’m feelin’ right now?
Skip: Yeah. Are you ready? [shouts] Candace, attack!
[Candace growls.]
Tex: Wait, wait, hold on. What’re ya doin’, kids?
Bex: Wait, wait, wait, what’re you doin’ there?
[Candace roars and charges at Tex.]
Tex: Hey, hey, ah, ah, wha—
Candace: AAaaaaaaAaAAaaaaa!
[Sounds of punching as she attacks Tex.]
Ha! Hoo! Heh! Heh! Pow!
[Bex shoots and cocks his gun. Xander screams.]
AHHH! Oh my god!
Tex: You’re gonna calm down, kid.
Skip: Hey, hey, sh-shut up man. What’re you afraid to fight?
Candace: Yeah.
Skip: Gotta use your big strong gun?
Candace: Yeah, you can’t fight me with your bare hands?
Skip: What kinda Pokémon are you? A Chicken?
[Candace clucks mockingly.]
[mocking] Chicken!
Tex: Ah, shut- shu- shu- shu-
Bex: Now, now, listen up!
[Tex continues stammering.]
Skip: [mocking] Chicken! Chicken!
Candace: [mocking] Chi-Chi-Chi-Chicken!
Tex: Shut the fuck up!
[Gun fires!]
[Music stops.]
Candace: [startled] Okay, okay. I was- [stammers] Sorry.
Tex: Bex, come over here I need ta talk to you for a second. You kids don’t go anywhere!
Xander: [fearful] Okay.
[Tex and Bex walk a few feet away.]
Bex: What, what is it?
Tex: [quiet] Bex, I think they’re onto us.
Bex: [quiet] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they got a clue. I been tryin’ my intimidation tactic, but my points keep comin’ up short.
Tex: [quiet] Alright, why don’t you just try it one more time?
Bex: [quiet] Okay.
Tex: [quiet] Go ahead. Roll those dice.
[Stat test chime.]
Bex: [mumbles] Okay, hold on. This is it.
[Dice roll on the table.]
Tex: [quiet] No, roll the- roll the other one.
Bex: [quiet] Oh, yeah.
Tex: [quiet] Th-the- with the pluses and the minuses.
Bex: [mumbles] Oh, oh, okay. Uh.
Tex: [quiet] Two o’ those, there ya go.
[Dice roll on the table.]
[Failure chime.]
[quiet] Yeah, yeah. Th-they’re pretty much onto us. It’s not lookin’ too good.
Bex: Yeah. [mumbles]
Tex: [quiet] Uh… You think we should just battle them? We got Kangaskhan.
Candace: [shouts] I jump on your back!
[Candace leaps forward.]
Sage: [amused] Oh my god.
[Laughter.]
[Fun swing music picks up. Bex screams as Candace clings to him.]
Okay, roll—
[Bex screams again.]
Xander: [fearful] Oh my god!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Candace! Can you roll for Brawn?
Jessica: Yes.
[Failure chime.]
Travis: Shit.
Sage: Bex throws you off and you fall on your back.
Candace: Ow!
Skip: Whoa!
Xander: Hey.
Skip: Draongair, go!
[Skip throws a Poké Ball and Dragonair exits, trilling.]
Tex: Alright, hey! Bex, I’m gonna take this little fiesty one. Why don’t you go ahead and battle them?
Bex: Alright. Dungaree, get out there!
Sage: Tex and Bex dodge outta the way. They get in the tall grass with their shotguns, and they throw out a Kangaskhan.
[Bex throws a Poké Ball and Kangaskhan exits, growling.]
Bex: Get ’im, Dungaree! Get ’im good!
Xander: Whoa.
Skip: Dragonair, Thunder Wave!
[Dragonair trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]
Bex: Ah! Dungaree’s Paralyzed! Quick use Seismic Toss, Dungaree! Giant Seismic Toss!
[Kangaskhan picks up Dragonair and hurls it. Dragonair crashes to the ground.]
Skip: Whoa!
[Dragonair trills.]
Xander: Oh my god!
Skip: Hang in there, Dragonair!
Xander: He picked up Dragonair and threw her across the f- the field!
Bex: That’s right, boy! Shot put! 20, 20, 20!
Skip: Alright, let’s see how good you are against a little bit of Dragon Rage!
[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames rush at Kangaskhan.]
Bex: Uh-oh!
Xander: Oh, that got ’im!
Bex: Dang-aroo! Dungaree Paralyzed again!
[Paralyze zings. Kangaskhan growls.]
Sage: Meanwhile, we cut over to Candace and Tex wrestling in the tall grass.
[Clothes rustle as Candace and Tex fight.]
Candace: I’m gonna frickin’ tear your eyeballs out!
[Stat test chime.]
Sage: Then roll for Defense.
[Hidden Power chime.]
What’s your Hidden Power?
Jessica: Brawn, baby!
Sage: Nice! You scrape right into his eyeballs.
[Squelching as Candace tears into Tex’s eyes.]
Xander: Oh my god!
[Candace cackles. Tex screams in pain.]
Tex: Oowww my eyes!
Candace: I’m blood-hungry!
Bex: Tex! Nooo!
Skip: Dragonair! Bring the rage again! Dragon Rage!
[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames surge and hit Kangaskhan.]
Bex: Ah, Dungaree, Crunch that mother like you never crunched before!
[Kangaskhan rushes forward and bites Dragonair.]
Skip: It hit, but it wasn’t very effective.
Xander: He’s too hurt.
Skip: It doesn’t matter. Kangaskhan, no matter what kinda move you do, I’m gonna evade it. Because Dragonair and I are a team! And you? You’re just mean.
[Kangaskhan growls.]
Bex: Ah, man. Dungaree’s really on the ropes. Hold on there ol’ boy! We can get through this!
Skip: [chuckles] You’re not gonna get through much after you deal with my Dragon Rage!
[Dragonair trills. Electric hum, flames fly ahead. Kangaskhan cries out in pain and falls to the ground with a dull thud.]
Bex: No! Dungaree! Dungaree!
Xander: He got ’em!
[Candace runs over. Blood drips on the ground.]
Candace: Guys, I got his eyeballs in my hand! [Jessica stifles laughter]
Sage: [amused] Oh my god.
Xander: [yells] What the FUCK?!
Bex: Te-Tex! Tex, talk to me!
Tex: [cries] I can’t see. I’m blind! I feel so bad!
[Candace cackles.]
I feel so bad!
Bex: [yells] Dear lord!
Tex: [cries] All those Tauros tails I cut off—
Bex: [yells] Jesus Christ!
Xander: [yells] What the hell is going on?
Bex: [yells] Jesus Christ, Lord! God in heaven!
Tex: [cries] Bex! Bex, pick me up, let’s get outta here!
Bex: [yells] I gotcha boy, follow me! Hold on tight, boy!
[Clothes rustle as Bex picks up Tex. Boots stomp across the dirt as Bex flees.]
Sage: As Tex and Bex escape deep into the Safari Zone, unknown how deep they can go or how deep it goes, our trainers run back to the entrance point and they run right into—
[Music ends.]
—a nicer looking Ranger with a very, very, very positive demeanor.
[The Dream Police yell over each other. The Ranger speaks calmly throughout the chaotic shouting.]
Xander: [yells] Oh, Candace just scratched out [stammers] and then they shot at us, and he had shotguns and there was a Kangaskhan, and then they [stammers] and we’re sorry! And we didn’t burn down the forest no matter who says we did! We didn’t burn down the forest!
Skip: [shouts] And then there was- there was two of ’em and they both attacked! She ripped the eyeballs out!
Candace: [cackles with bloodlust] I got blood in my hands! [groans in disgust] Oh, poached eggs!
Ranger: [soothing] Oh, children, children… Oh my god, kids. Kids, kids, kids, kids.
Skip: Turned a Marshtomp gay!
Ranger: Children!
[Deafening silence.]
Did you just stop the poachers?
Xander: [gasps] Wait, that—
Skip: [firm] Yes.
Candace: Yeeess?
Xander: They were the poachers?
Ranger: Yes. There’s been two very angry poachers that have been hiding in the Safari Zone and mangling our Pokémon and our—
Xander: Were they vaguely Southern?
Ranger: Yes.
Candace: Oh, my gosh, guys.
Skip: We did it. We messed them up.
Candace: If you needa ID them—
[Clothes rustle. Eyeballs squelch.]
Here’s—
Ranger: No, no, no. Just- just, uh. Put in the trash can right here. Just…
Candace: But this is, like—
Ranger: Just drop th- Listen, listen.
Xander: Don’t- those aren’t Badges. We don’t need those.
Candace: But they be for—
Ranger: [whispers] Just put ’em in the trash, please.
[The Ranger extends the trash can.]
Candace: [quiet] Okay.
[Trash can lid clanks open. Eyeballs squelch as Candace dumps them inside. Lid clanks shut.]
Xander: They’re still out there.
Ranger: It’s okay. We’re gonna take it from here. We have a team of Scythers comin’ in.
Xander: Oh. [nervous chuckle]
Skip: Wow. You guys’re really gonna be a…cut above the rest.
Xander: So… Can- when… Can we still go in, or…?
Ranger: Oh, no, no, no. Safari Zone’s closed for a little while.
[Xander groans in disappointment.]
Xander: [quiet] Dammit.
Skip: D’you need some tea?
Ranger: But I want to award you guys for your excellent efforts.
[The Ranger pulls something out of a pocket.]
[Main Theme starts.]
Candace: [quiet] With what?
Ranger: Take this disk.
[Candace takes the disk and gasps.]
On it is the Hidden Machine Surf. You look like a bunch of young trainers that could get across some water. That sound helpful?
Candace: Ooo.
Skip: Indeed it does.
Candace: [slowly] Indeed it does.
[She stores the HM in her backpack.]
Ranger: Alright, children. I have to get back to my duties, but thank you so much. Um, [whispers] Hey, you two fellas. Watch out for her. That’s- that’s a bit much. The eyeball thing.
[Candace mumbles in shock.]
Skip: Bye, sir!
Xander: Yeah, we’re gon- yeah.
Candace: [mumbles crazily] Blood. Blood.
Xander: ’Kay, Candace, let’s go.
Skip: Let’s get you to a Pokémon Center.
Xander: Let’s go- let’s go sit down for a while.
Candace: B-b-b-blood.
Credits |
[Pokémon Main Theme continues throughout.]
Marlena Jean: Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.
Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren
Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner
And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves
With Additional Voices by David Michmerhiezen, Noah Sturtridge, and Sage G.C.
The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda
With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.
Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves
Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard
Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe
Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.
You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at
sagegc.bandcamp.com
And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com
[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]
[Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]
Extras |
Candace: Oh my gosh!
[Everyone screams.]
Xander: He exploded!
Sage: [amused] The whole building blows up.
Candace: I don’t know why I didn’t use that one first!
Travis: Hold on. The whole building blew up?
Sage: The whole building.
Jessica: Wait a minute!
Travis: [shocked amusement] Alright. What happens now?
[Laughter.]
Greg: We see our three heroes—
[Jessica screams.]
Travis: Hold on! What happens now?
Greg: Never mind.