A HOSPITAL DRAMA
20 Sided Stories
THE TWILIGHT SPACE
One-Shot #4: A Hospital Drama
Air Date: December 10, 2020
Cast Introduction |
[The Twilight Space intro music.]
Kristin Couture: 20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with the many medical dramas you may associate with the following episode. But you knew that, didn’t you, darling?
Narrator: You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.
It’s the dawn of the new millennium. Technology is rapidly changing how we think about the world and its monumental scientific conundrums. And in the foggy city of San Francisco, a bastion for wellbeing is tackling these challenges head-on.
Meet the leading staff of the George Clooney Memorial Hospital; three doctors, a nurse, and an IT Admin. What we’re about to witness is the culmination of their careers. A series of trials to each, with lab results waiting on the other side.
They’ll have to stay up all night to learn how to save a life.
[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]
Cast Introduction |
[20 Sided Stories music plays throughout.]
Sage: Hello! And welcome to 20 Sided Stories. My name is Sage. I am not your Game Master this time.
[Jessica gasps.]
Emily: Oooo.
Sage: More on that later, but, uh—
Travis: What?
[Chuckling.]
What is this? Open mic night?
Sage: But, I’m joined of course by…
Travis: Travis.
Emily: Emily.
Jessica: Jessica.
David: And I’m David.
Sage: We’re going to improvise a hospital drama. The medical drama genre is probably one of the most popular in the history of television. There have been dozens of these shows. Uh, some of the more popular ones, Grey’s Anatomy, Scrubs—it’s more of a comedy than a drama—ER was a big one for many years, and those are all the ones I’ve watched [chuckles].
David: House.
Sage: Oh! I- I have seen House, actually. You’re right. Yeah.
David: Nip/Tuck.
Sage: What else? What else are there?
Travis: Oh, General Hospital. The soap opera.
David: Chicago Med.
Emily: Think of a place and there’s probably a medical drama set there [stifles laughter].
Sage: It’s true. So we’re gonna make one o’ those. A medical hospital drama [amused] set in George Clooney Memorial Hospital. Fictional place.
Emily: [sarcastic] No!
Sage: Uh, and we’re setting this in the year 2000. In January, the dawn of the new millennium.
Emily: OoOooOo!
Sage: So how ’bout we introduce our characters?
Jessica: I’m Jessica and I’ll be playing Jill Shepard. [Jill’s no-nonsense accent] I am Chief of Medicine at GCMH. I’m currently single. Not really looking. There is just not enough time. I have a hard time being nice. There is just not enough time. My best advice is to keep your feelings to yourself.
Emily: I’m Emily, and I will be playing [Sylvia’s calm accent] Dr. Sylvia Katz RN. I’m a doctor in nursing. Not a doctor of doctoring. So I’m not your doctor, I’m your nurse, but you have to call me doctor. I’m currently mourning the death of my third husband, which was completely accidental. I’m just trying to take care of my son, Timmy, while I look for love again.
Sage: I’m Sage, and I will be playing [Corey’s anxious accent] Corey R. Martin, um. I- I work in IT and administration. I really- I should be just like one o’ those things, not both. IT and administration, but because this hospital’s still adjusting to computers, IT is really just basically everything now. If they ever have a problem with their database they just tell me to come work on it. I’m basically the one thread keeping this in check. We’re violating so many things. [yells] Fuck! [normal] Oh, god.
Travis: Hey, I’m Travis, and I’ll be playing [Lee’s calming accent] Dr. Lee Coenfield. I’m the Head Resident at George Clooney Memorial Hospital, and I’m also a pastor. I am married, but I’m going through a bit of a rough patch right now and it doesn't look great. In fact, I’ve moved out of my condo in North Beach and taken up residence in the apartments in the Castro. Closer to the hospital.
David: Hi. I’m David and I will be playing the part of [Victor’s loud, German accent] Victor Frankenstein!
Sage: [amused] Jesus Christ.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Emily: You know he had to.
David: Das legendary surgeon! I’m [blocked[a] ?] in zis hospital!
Travis: [amused] Is there any way we can get subtitles on a podcast?
[Emily chuckles.]
David: Ich bin ein widower! Mien love of mien life, Elizabet, has been murdered! And now I crusade to bring her back to life!
Sage: Great. So this is going to be a little different from our usual RPG stylings. You can check out the mini system for yourself at sagegc.com/games if you wanna do some improv with your friends. But here’s the gist on how it works.
This game has no game master, as I mentioned, and uses no dice. All you need is a coin and a character idea. There are Personal scenes and Procedure scenes. All of us just introduced the main cast, and those characters will lead one of each. One Personal, one Procedure.
We’ll start with a short group scene then continue through a series of vignettes. And while each vignette will focus on a single leading character, we’ll be playing all sorts of supporting characters as well. Patients, lovers, family, etcetera. And once per vignette, the leading character will have a chance at a breakthrough.
[Stat test chime.]
They’ll be presented with a challenge that is either outside of their typical field or just plain impossible. To determine the outcome, they make a call then flip a coin. A success means they mark down a breakthrough point.
[Breakthrough chime.]
A failure means they mark down a baggage point.
[Baggage chime.]
Once all the characters have led their two scenes, we’ll round it off with a final group scene utilizing all those breakthrough and baggage points acquired over the course of the story and ultimately determine, collectively, the fate of our staff in the George Clooney Memorial Hospital.
And that’s the gist!
Travis: Let’s be doctors! Can’t be that hard.
Emily: My dad’s gonna rip us apart for HIPAA violations.
Travis: [stifles laughter] I cannot wait.
Sage: Here we go! Hospital drama, George Clooney Memorial Hospital!
Jessica: [wrestling announcer] Let’s get ready to rumble!
Emily: Whoo!
Travis: New millennium, Y2K!
Emily: [chanting] Pagers.
Emily, Travis, Jessica: [chanting] Pagers!
Narrator: Do these medical professionals have what it takes to balance their work and personal lives? Let’s run some tests.
Turn your head and cough, 'cause you’re about to enter THE TWILIGHT SPACE: ONE-SHOT #4 - A HOSPITAL DRAMA.
[Music crescendos and fades.]
A Hospital Drama |
[Calm, party music plays; Sneakers for Men by Eyeliner. A crowd chatters in the background. Jill taps a spoon against a wine glass.]
Jill: Hello, everyone! Eyes on me, everyone. Thank you so much for coming to our ever anticipated New Year’s Eve party! [chuckles] Um, I just wanna say, it really warms my heart [emotional] that you’ve all fit some time in our busy schedules. This is a very stressful job. Um, and I just—
Corey: Dr. Jill Shepard, are you drunk? [quiet, shocked laugh]
Jill: Ehh, what’s drunk?
Sylvia: Jill, d’you need a ride home?
Jill: [whispers] Yeah.
[Sylvia groans quietly in annoyance.]
Lee: Sylvia, if you don’t mind, would you take her this year?
Sylvia: I will. I already finished all the red wine and I feel nothing.
Lee: Oh. Well maybe… Look, I’ve got a sedan. We can- we can all get in my car and I’ll make sure everybody gets home safe. Or if all else fails, we can set you up in the morgue like Victor does every time we have a party.
[Sylvia groans in annoyance again.]
Victor: [approaching, loud] Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!
Jill: Oh. There he is.
Lee: Speaking of.
Victor: Rahh!
[He kicks a trash can.]
Sylvia: Victor, what’s wrong?
Victor: Mein puff pastry is ruined!
[He flips a table and dishes scatter.]
Zis puff pastry is a straight crust!
Lee: That’s what hap—
Victor: Worst puff pastry! Ze entire party is cancel!
Sylvia: Victor—
Victor: No more party!
Sylvia: It’s midnight.
Victor: Ze party is completely cancel! Zis [babbles].
Sylvia: Nobody wants your puff pastry.
Victor: Zis stupid oven!
[He chucks the toaster oven in the trash can.]
Ze toaster oven is kaputz!
Corey: Victor is really stressin’ me out.
[Corey flicks a lighter a few times.]
Can I smoke in here?
Jill: [drunk, emotional] No one’s gonna kiss me after the countdown!
[Corey lights a cigarette and flicks the lighter shut.]
I’m so alone!
Victor: Vas is your problem?
Jill: I’m sorry, everyone. This is so unprofessional.
Sylvia: We have some CPR dummies, if you’re really that lonely.
Jill: [sobs] Okay.
Lee: [grossed out] No. [normal] The interns have been doing awful things to those.
Sylvia: Yeah, but the wig they got that one is pretty good.
[Lee hums in agreement.]
Corey: Well, um, does anybody have any, uh, New Year resolutions? Year 2000, it’s a big one.
Victor: I vill bring my dear departed Lizbet back from ze afterlife and to join with me once again!
Sylvia: [uninterested] Mm-hmm.
Corey: [uninterested] Wow, cool. How ’bout you, Lee?
Jill: Victor…
Victor: It’s the same resolution every year!
Jill: [amused] You so quirky [chuckles].
Corey: Lee, please. [Sage stifles laughter]
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Interrupt him.
Lee: Uh, sorry, Corey. I didn’t realize you were there, um…
[Sage stifles laughter.]
You know, I just hope that things between my wife and I can improve. Looking to be a better husband and, uh, better father and really a better doctor. And a better man of faith. It’s hard juggling this many things, you know, to be a priest, a doctor, a husband, a father. But, um—
Sylvia: Divorce is a lot easier. You should really look into it.
Victor: Being a vidower is also easy.
Lee: ’Scuse me?
Victor: Nothing.
[Jessica chuckles.]
Sylvia: Maybe this year I’ll remarry. We’ll see.
Jill: [emotional] I just wanna kiss someone, but I’m grateful for my work family.
[She stumbles into a hug with Lee.]
Lee: Op, okay, that’s- yup. That’s nice. Okay.
Jill: Oh, you.
Sylvia: Mm-hmm.
Lee: Let’s- let’s just- gotta get you off.
[He gently shoves her away.]
Sylvia: Yeah, Jill, please sit down.
[Jill’s shoes squeak against the floor as she shuffles away.]
Jill: Okay.
Sylvia: Here’s a trashcan to throw up in.
[She moves the trashcan closer to Jill.]
Lee: Is it midnight yet? It’s gotta be close to midnight.
Victor: Put her in ze cooler.
Corey: Okay, well I’ll go next, I guess. My, uh, New Year’s resolution is—
Jill: Oh my god! They’re coming down!
Lee: Oh there it is! Oh, alright ten…
Victor: Ten! Nine!
Corey: Okay…
[The George Clooney Memorial Hospital Main Theme music plays.]
The Doctors: Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
[Cheers erupt from the crowd.]
Sylvia: Happy New Year.
Lee: Oh my god. I can go home!
Corey: Why did the hospital have a staff party on New Year’s Eve?
Sylvia: ’Cause we’re all fucking lonely.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Lee: Anyways, glad you’re onboard, Corey.
[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]
Victor: Who is Corey?
[Laughter.]
[Music crescendos and plays to the end.]
[A door opens and a woman walks into the hospital lobby.]
Gunshot Patient: Uh, help! Help! Someone. I’ve been shot! [pants] Someone! Anybody at the desk. Is there anyone there? Hello?!
Intern: Oh my god this woman’s been shot! Corey, Corey, can you call them?
Corey: [frantic] What? Call who? Call who?
Intern: Call—
Corey: [frantic] Call who?
Intern: Call surgery—
Corey: [frantic] 911?
Intern: Call medical. Get anyone out here! No! We are 911!
Corey: [frantic] We are 911.
Gunshot Patient: You morons don’t know what the fuck you’re doing!
[Corey gasps.]
Intern: I’m sorry, I’m an intern!
[Corey cries out in panic.]
Gunshot Patient: I’m literally about to die!
Corey: Fuck! Fuck!! Fuck!!! Okay…
Intern: I’m gonna carry her over my shoulder!
[He takes a few steps forward.]
Sylvia: Why is everybody screaming?
Gunshot Patient: I got shot!
Corey: She got shot!
Gunshot Patient: I got shot!
Sylvia: Great. So I’m just going to apply pressure. Please don’t scream.
[Sylvia steps forward and presses hard on the wound.]
Gunshot Patient: Ahhhh!
Sylvia: Alright, we’re gonna get you into a room, and then I will call a doctor. Well, a medical doctor. A doctor doctor. The- you’re gonna live probably.
[The Gunshot Patient groans. Sylvia pulls a gurney closer.]
Help me get her on the gurney facedown.
Gunshot Patient: Ow. Ugh.
Intern: [frantic] Okay! Okay.
[Everyone groans as they lift the woman and set her on the gurney. Sylvia pushes the gurney down the hall. A heart monitor beeps throughout.]
Corey: G-go-good luck!
Sylvia: Give me a shot of morphine. Give me a shot of morphine. I’ll push her.
Intern: Okay.
[He hands her a syringe.]
Sylvia: We’re pushing her towards the ER.
[The woman stifles pained groans as the gurney rattles down the hall.]
Alright. Now this is gonna just going to sting in the beginning. Three, two…
[Sylvia stabs the woman with the syringe. The Gunshot Patient stifles another yell.]
Intern: Should I call surgery?
Sylvia: Yeah- where’s Victor?
Intern: I don't know. Nobody’s been able to find him for hours.
Sylvia: Are you fucking kidding me? Uck. Well, page Victor.
[The Gunshot Patient moans.]
You’re gonna be alright, ma’am. It’s gonna be fine, alright?
[The Gunshot Patient stifles a sob.]
I’m gonna set up an IV drip. Pushing the cart back. Right in the top of your hand.
Intern: Dr. Katz.
Sylvia: Yes?
Intern: Victor’s not there. Victor’s not there, Dr. Coenfield is off. It- it’s—
Sylvia: Did you check the morgue?
Gunshot Patient: [worried] The morgue? The morgue?
Sylvia: We’re gonna try to find a doctor to operate on you.
Gunshot Patient: [pained, crying] No, uh, someone needs to do it now. I- I see the light. Someone do it now.
Sylvia: [sighs, quiet] Shit.
Gunshot Patient: You gotta do it now, please.
Sylvia: [angry] Victor, where the fuck are you?
Intern: Nobody can find him.
Sylvia: [sighs] Then we’re gonna have to do this.
[Sylvia grabs some gloves and snaps them on.]
Intern: What?
Sylvia: Get me more morphine.
Intern: [nervous] Uh…
Gunshot Patient: [pained] Yeah, please give me more morphine. Please. I want more.
Sylvia: I’m gonna need 500 CCs.
Intern: [nervous] Uh, you’re gonna operate on this patient?
Sylvia: Do we have another choice?
[The Gunshot Patient cries.]
The answer’s “no”. It was a rhetorical question. Give me the fucking morphine.
Intern: Okay, here you go.
[He passes her a syringe.]
Sylvia: Alright. Pain should go away in five…
[The Gunshot Patient’s groans quiet.]
Scalpel.
Intern: Oh my god!
[The scalpel rings out.]
Sylvia: Tweezers.
Intern: Uh, d- I- here’s one.
[Tools clatter on a table as he picks it up and hands it to her.]
Sylvia: Alright. First incision, three, two…
[Flesh squelches as Sylvia cuts into the wound.]
Who shot you in the back with a hollow point?
Gunshot Patient: I don't know.
Intern: Oh my god, that’s gruesome.
Sylvia: This is- this is- this is messy. This is- this is bad. This is—
Gunshot Patient: None of you are doctors? None of you are actual doctors? What the fuck is happening?
Intern: We’re severely underfunded.
Sylvia: It’s fine.
[The Gunshot Patient sobs.]
I got it! I got it, I got it, alright. Three, two, one, I’m gonna pull this bullet out. You’re gonna be just fine.
[Stat test chime.]
Ready?
Gunshot Patient: [muffled] Okay.
Sylvia: Three…two…
[A coin flips. A heart monitor beeps. The coin lands.]
[Breakthrough chime.]
[Sylvia groans as she pulls the bullet out of the wound with a squelch.]
[sighs] We’ve got it.
[The Gunshot Patient pants.]
Victor’s gonna have to go back in and get the rest, but for now, you know.
[The Gunshot Patient groans.]
Alright, you’re doing great. You’re doing fantastic.
Gunshot Patient: [loopy] Yeah. You’re so beautiful.
Intern: I think she’s talkin’ to you, Dr. Katz.
Sylvia: Yeah. This happens.
[Hospital theme song.]
[Feet tap on pavement.]
Mysterious Man: Ah, Victor. How good of you to meet me in this dark alleyway. Late at night when nobody’s watching—
Victor: Enough chitter chatter, you ignorant fool!
Mysterious Man: What?
Victor: Do you have ze items?!
Mysterious Man: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Victor: Hand zem over before ze jibber jabber!
Mysterious Man: [flustered] Oh my god. Dude.
Victor: I need to get back to ze hospital!
Mysterious Man: Relax—
Victor: Vhat if there is an operative emergency?! I’ve been out here for a fucking half an hour!
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Zis is unacceptable! Give me my items!
Mysterious Man: Yo, dude. Relax. I got your—
Victor: Oh I vill choke you! I vill choke you! Come here!
[Victor steps forward.]
Come here, you. I choke you! I choke you! I choke you!
[The Mysterious Man cries out in shock as Victor pounces on him.]
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Give me my items! Give zem to me! Zey are most important!
Mysterious Man: Ahh! Gah! Dah! No! There’s no way you’re gonna choke me!
[Stat test chime.]
I have neck bones of strength!
[A suspenseful beep. A coin flips and lands.]
[Breakthrough chime.]
Victor: I succeeded in ze breaking you!
[The Mysterious Man gags as Victor strangles him.]
I am a mandibles!
Mysterious Man: [choked off] Help. Ah! Ahha!
Victor: You impotent wretch. Give me my items! Give zem to me now!
[The Mysterious Man collapses with a thud.]
Mysterious Man: They’re in my coat [death gurgle] pocket.
Victor: Nice.
[He steps forward and shuffles around the Mysterious Man’s pockets.]
[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]
Items for Victor. Items for my experiments! Back to ze hospital I go—
[Travis and Sage chuckle.]
—vith my bundle over mien shoulder. Hahaha!
[Chuckling.]
[Hospital theme song.]
[A door clicks open.]
Nurse: Uh, doctor? Dr. Coenfield?
[She knocks on a glass window.]
Dr. Coenfield? Um, wake up, Mr. Coenfield.
[Blankets rustle as Lee turns over.]
Mr. Coenfield. Dr. Coenfield. Sorry.
[Lee takes a deep breath as he wakes up.]
Dr. Coenfield, please wake up.
Lee: [groggy] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I’m awake. I’m- I’m awaked. What’s, um, hi. What’s- oh! Hi.
Nurse: Hi.
Lee: Janice, how can I help you?
Janice: [nervous chuckle] Um, so there’s a patient I have in Room 204 who, uh…
Lee: Mm-hmm?
Janice: They are really, really religious.
Lee: [agreeable] Mmm.
Janice: And it- it makes me kind of uncomfortable, but I just feel like you probably would be best suited to talk with them.
Lee: Yeah.
Janice: They don’t really believe in medicine.
Lee: Oh. Alright, well, um. [stifles laughter] I guess if anyone here, that’s me.
[The hospital bed squeaks as he gets up.]
Uh, thank you. I’ll see them now.
[He walks down the hall and into the room.]
Religious Patient: [Southern accent] Oh! Are you the Dr. Coenfield I’ve heard so much about?
Lee: [humble chuckle] As I live and breathe. Hello, ma’am. What’s your name?
Religious Patient: Jillana Thompson.
Lee: Well hi, Jillana.
Jillana: I can’t have this blood transfusion that you’re all tryin’a force on me.
Lee: Okay. Well I’d love to, uh, I’d love to hear why.
Jillana: Well, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness—
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Lee: Mmm.
Jillana: —and we cannot take the blood of another human being.
Lee: Right. The ones that don’t do birthdays.
Jillana: So it’s very unfortunate that I’m in this situation.
Lee: You know, it is. And Jillana, I’m a man of faith myself. I’m a- I’m a- I’m a pastor. And I, um, you know, got into medicine, uh, ho-honestly through my faith. And, you know, it’s, um… [tsks] Will you excuse me a moment?
Jillana: [agreeable] Alright.
[Lee steps into the hallway.]
Lee: Alright, Janice, you’re gonna have to knock her out. We’re gonna have to do it while she’s knocked out, 'cause Jehovah’s Witnesses, it’s like a fucking brick wall. You have no idea.
Janice: Oh…
Lee: That- I- that’s well beyond my faith-based paygrade.
[Janice croaks in confusion.]
And it’s- I- and I say that as someone who’s really trying to get to the point here. She needs a blood transfusion. From judging by these charts…
[He flips through a few pages.]
She will die.
Janice: Right. Okay…
Lee: And, like… I’m gonna give this one more go.
Janice: Alright.
Lee: One more go. Alright. Hold on.
[He walks back into the room.]
Hi. I’m sorry. Could I get- could I get your name one more time? It’s- I [stifles laughter] just woke up.
[Jessica chuckles.]
Jillana: Pretty sure that my name is Jillana Thompson.
Lee: That’s exactly right. Thank you. Sorry. That’s- that’s part of our, um, just part of our protocol.
Jillana: Oh. You got to check, don’t you?
Lee: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Jillana giggles.]
Anyways. I just talked to God. And, um…
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Jillana: [awed] You talked to God? Did he mention me?
Lee: You know? He did. We had a real chat about, really, what it takes to make certain decisions in the name of faith. And, you know, without this blood transfusion, you will die. And I’m asking you to have a little bit of faith in my experience as a doctor.
Jillana: If this is my time to go, this is my time to go. Did you think Jesus would’ve accepted a blood transfusion on the cross?
[Beat.]
[Lee opens his mouth and shuts it again.]
Jesus died for our sins on purpose.
[Beat.]
Lee: That’s… That’s not untrue… [deep breath] Okay. Here’s what we’re gonna do. I think we should leave it up to faith itself. So you and I, we’re gonna flip a coin.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Jillana: Flip a coin?
Lee: We’re gonna flip a coin.
Jillana: I knew science was weird, but I didn’t think it was that weird.
Lee: This isn’t science at all. This is faith.
Jillana: Wow.
Lee: So let’s say heads, you get that blood transfusion. Tails, who am I to judge what God has in store for you?
Jillana: I can’t argue with the Lord.
Lee: Well.
[Stat test chime.]
Here’s hoping.
[A heart monitor beeps. A coin flips.]
[Baggage chime.]
I—
[He turns around and leaves.]
Janice: Uh, wh-where are you going?
Lee: I’m going back to bed.
[He slams the door.]
[Hospital theme song.]
[Fluorescent lights hum above a patient’s bed.]
Excited Patient: Dr. Shepard. Dr. Shepard!
Jill: Yes?
Excited Patient: You run such a big, beautiful hospital here, Dr. Shepard. Thank you for coming to visit me.
Jill: Oh yeah. Thank you. Yes.
Excited Patient: Do you visit all your patients individually?
Jill: Uh, I do some check-ins every once in a while. Sometimes I have interns with me, but, you know, just- just doin’ my rounds.
Excited Patient: You just do such a good job with this hospital. It’s so clean. Thank you for coming and visiting me.
Jill: Oh, yes. Yes. You’re welcome. Thank—
Excited Patient: You have anything to eat? Do you have any food?
Jill: Did- did the nurses not bring you any food?
Excited Patient: They said they were tired of helping.
Jill: What?
Excited Patient: D’you have any snacks? I just want some snacks.
Jill: Oh my god. I’m not a snack deliver- I- I literally have no time to be—
Excited Patient: [singsong] But I’m hungry. I have low blood sugar. I’m hyperglycemic. I’ve got a low—
Jill: Are you singing a song? Okay.
[loud] Where are the nurses in this fucking hospital?
[A knock on the door.]
Intern: [distant] Uh, Dr. She- Dr. Shepard! They need you in Room 3 immediately.
[Jill sighs.]
Excited Patient: Not right now, buddy. I need my snacks.
Annyoed Nurse: [approaching] Gladys, I’m coming back with your fucking snacks.
Gladys: Ooo! Banana pudding!
Annyoed Nurse: Yes.
Gladys: No, I want Dr. Shepard to give it to me. I like Dr. Shepard. I don’t like you guys.
Jill: Alright, here. Let me…
[She snatches the pudding and rips it open. A spoon clatters as she picks it up.]
Real quick, open your mouth. Open your mouth.
Gladys: Ahh.
Jill: [fast] There you go. Banana pudding. Banana pudding. There you go.
Gladys: Oh no.
Jill: Alright. I gotta—
Gladys: [muffled] Were there bananas in the pudding?
[Beat.]
Jill: Uh, yeah. It’s banana pudding.
Gladys: Ah! Ahhhhh!
[She flails around on the bed.]
Jill: [irked] Listen, Gladys, I can’t do this! I can’t do this with you right now.
Gladys: I’m allergic to bananas!
[Jill groans in annoyance.]
I’m allergic to bananas! My throat is swelling up!
Jill: Shit. Oh, shit. Oh shit. Okay. Alright.
Gladys: I can’t breathe!
Jill: Gladys. Gladys!
Gladys: Heelp!
Jill: Focus. Alright. You look—
[Gladys screams again, then begins wheezing as Jill scolds her.]
Eyes on me. First of all. We said there was banana pudding before you ate the banana pudding. Liability-wise this is your fault, not ours, alright?
Gladys: [muffled] Dr. Shepard, help me! Dr. Shepard, help me, I’m dying!
Jill: Okay. Gladys, look at me. Gladys, look at me.
[Gladys screams.]
Look at me.
[Gladys wheezes as she flails on the bed.]
Quiet. Take a deep breath. Gladys, literally I do not have time for any of this right now. You come in here every month!
[Gladys continues wheezing and flailing as Jill digs around in a drawer.]
I need an EpiPen. There’s gotta be a fucking EpiPen in this room somewhere!
[Gladys continues flailing as Jill searches several drawers irritably.]
No. I don’t have fucking time for this!
[She slams a drawer shut.]
[Stat test chime.]
[A coin flips. Suspenseful beep. The coin lands. Beep.]
Gladys: What happened?
Jill: Alright. Well, um… I can’t help you.
[Baggage chime.]
[Gladys death rattles.]
[Travis chuckles.]
I gotta go.
[She walks away as Gladys finishes her death rattle.]
Annyoed Nurse: Uh, code brown.
[Emily stifles laughter.]
[Hospital theme song.]
[Staff chatters in the background.]
Man: [distant] Corey! Get in here.
Corey: [nervous] Shit. Shit! What’d I do this time? Fuck!
Man: [distant] Corey! Get into my office, right now!
Corey: [growls] Okay.
[Corey hurries into the room.]
Hey.
Man: Corey, what’s going on with this goddamn network? It’s fallin’ apart!
Corey: Ah, god.
Man: I’m tryin’a log into Zoom here, and it’s just all kinda- oh wait, it’s two-
[chuckles] It’s 2000. I’m tryin’a run—
Corey: [Sage stifles laughter] What the hell’s Zoom?!
Man: Get onto Myspace over here and it’s just not working. What the hell’s the problem?
Corey: What the hell’s Myspace?
Man: Corey, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta check what my notifications are on- on- on Friendster.
Corey: [sighs] Fuck. Okay. Hey, hey. Okay. Yes, yes.
Man: And you’re over here, jacking off in the corner.
[Corey stammers in protest.]
Why don’t you get over here and fix my goddamn computer, Corey?
Corey: Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay.
[Windows 98 boot up song plays.]
Oh god. Christ fucking Windows 98.
Man: Corey, you got 30 seconds to fix this computer or it’s your job, Corey.
Corey: Okay, hold on! Jesus!
[He types frantically.]
Man: I’m gonna hire another IT person.
Corey: I’m typing in some shit! Can you just calm!
[He slams the keyboard.]
Down!
[Slam!]
Man: I forgot my password, Corey. I need you to reset my password, my login credentials. I can’t keep track of passwords, Corey.
[Virus popups ping rapidly.]
Corey: [groans] No, no, no, no, no.
Man: I’ve been usin’ my kids’ names and I already forgot what they were.
Corey: [groaning] This is lookin’ like a ransomware attack.
Man: Ten seconds, Corey, otherwise it’s your job!
Corey: Mm, okay. Okay, hey, hey, hey. This is fine. This is fine. We’ll just- there’s just a security question here. Simple procedure. What is your mother’s—
Man: What’s that security question?
Corey: What is your mother—
Man: You got twenty mini—
Corey: What is—
Man: You got twenty seconds, Corey.
Corey: [yells] God! Fuck! Just answer the- [normal, frantic] What is your mother’s maiden name?
[Beat.]
Man: Cordelia.
[Corey types it in.]
I think.
[A staticy chime comes from the computer and it beeps.]
Corey: Blue screen. Blue screen. Blue screen. Shit.
[He types frantically.]
Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. Okay, okay, okay. Uh, [pants] I need- I need- I need to- [panicked sigh]
Man: Hack the computer, Corey. That’s what I pay you for.
[Stat test chime.]
[A coin flips. A heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]
Corey: [sighs, calming down] Okay. If I just… [sighs]
[He types quickly.]
Ctrl-Alt…
[The computer beeps angrily and hums.]
[Baggage chime.]
Red screen?!
Man: Red screen?
Corey: What the fuck’s a red screen?!
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Man: I’ve heard of blue screen. I don’t—
Corey: [yells] Oh my god!
Man: Red screen? I don’t—
Corey: [yells] Everything’s deleted?!
Man: I got a trojan in my computer.
Corey: [yells] Everything?!
Man: Oh god damming, the whole computer system’s goin’ off—
Corey: The whole database?!
Lee: [approaching] Corey? Corey?
Corey: Oh. Oh. Oh no. Oh. Oh!
Lee: Corey my- my patient—
Man: That’s attached to the power grid, Corey. There’s a lot o’ hospitals on this.
Corey: Oh! Coenfield! Dr. Dr. Coenfield! [nervous sigh]
Lee: Corey—
Corey: How are you doing today? How’s it going? How are the kids?
Lee: My patient’s heart monitor just fucking turned off, that’s how I’m doing today. What did you do?
[Corey groans, trying to play it cool.]
Corey: So we have a problem with the database [nervous chuckle] It’s really gonna be fine.
Man: The electro cardio graph has a screensaver on it.
Corey: Yeah, the whole database got deleted. Everything’s gone.
Lee: What?!
Corey: The whole computer system- we- is completely fried. I need somebody who has—
[Lee stammers.]
Man: What about our patients’ medical information, Corey?
Sylvia: [distant] Corey where are my fucking charts?
Lee: Oh my god! It’s Y2K! It’s late!
[Emily stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]
Man: It’s Y2K? Y2K has hit the hospital! George Clooney Memorial! We can’t let anybody know about this, Corey. It’s gotta be under wraps. We can’t let anybody find out.
Corey: [frantic sigh] Well we gotta get new computers and stuff before I can even determine like that.
Lee: Alright, Corey. Corey! Corey! Hold on.
Corey: I mean, it’s gonna take a lot of-
[stammers] get down the corridor-
[deep breath]
Man: That’s what I have you for, Corey. God dammit!
Lee: Hold on. Corey!
Corey: Okay, okay! Just—
Lee: Corey!
Corey: I’m gonna go do it! I’m gonna go do it!
Lee: Corey!
Corey: And I’m gonna—
Lee: Corey.
Corey: Wh- yes?
Lee: Corey?
Corey: Yes?
Lee: Corey?
Corey: Yes?
Lee: Corey?
Corey: Yes?
Lee: Corey?
Corey: Yes? Yes? Yes?
Lee: I have an idea.
Corey: Okay.
Lee: Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?
[Corey gasps and flips the off button. The static hum stops and he presses the button to turn it on again. The startup chime plays.]
Man: What happened?
Corey: [calm] Nope.
[The computer beeps.]
All the data’s gone.
Man: Dammit!
Corey: Computer’s working now, though.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Man: Dammit, dammit! Ah!
[Hospital theme song plays.]
[A light flickers on and hums overhead. Lee walks into the morgue.]
Lee: Victor! Oh my god.
Victor: Vhat?
Lee: Where have you been?
Victor: Vhat?!
Lee: There are six patients with critical wounds backed up in the OR.
Victor: Nein, nein, nein.
Lee: Yes—
Victor: It is always “critical wounds” with you people. Really, it’s fine! What is a critical vound? Name one.
Lee: We have a bullet wound, one. A woman was shot—
Victor: Daaaah!
Lee: —through the back of the stomach. There’s no exit wound.
Victor: Nein, nein, nein. Take ze bullet out, stitch up, it’s nothing. I am important business here! I’m fucking one step—
Lee: Yeah—
Victor: —to make my thing over!
Lee: Sylvia had to—
Victor: And I got no time to waste on just spiele schlappen svarken case customers!
Lee: Look, I don't know what the fuck kinda crowd speak that is, but I need to talk to you about you—
Victor: Crowd speak? Crowd speak?! I’m fucking got sensitive materials here, you idiot fool! You nonsense- God, these American swine! I am fucking on this true keys to immortality! You need to get out of my office this instant! Nein, nein, nein, nein!
Lee: If you do not get up to the OR right now, people will die again.
[Victor sets down a beaker.]
And if that happens again—
Victor: Yes. And people will die tomorrow! And will die next week! I’m trying to stop death at its source! I’m trying to ignite a glorious crimson fire of the phoenix! Ze eternal philosopher’s stones! And create true eternal life!
Sylvia: [distant] Where the fuck is Victor?
Victor: Vhat?
Lee: I found 'im.
Angry Doctor: [distant] Where is Victor?!
Lee: I found 'im.
Jill: [distant] Oh, panic attack! I need help!
Victor: I’m busy. I’m busy!
Jill: [distant] Victor!
Sylvia: [distant] Victor, I’m gonna fucking kill you!
Appendix Patient: [distant] I’m gonna die.
Victor: Fine! What is the patients needs me fekin firkin.
Lee: [sighs] Alright. Room 2, gunshot wound to the back. Room 3, appendectomy. Room 4, oh god. There’s just conjoined twins in room 4. I don't know what to do with that.
Victor: Fine, fine! I will do them all at once! Bring them all into this operating theatre and lend me my scalpel.
Lee: We—
Victor: My tongs, and my special tools.
[Lee growls in annoyance.]
I am the best surgeon this hospital, this McDonald’s hospital—
[Sylvia walks into the room.]
—has ever seen! And I—
Sylvia: Did you find Victor?
Lee: I found Victor.
Sylvia: Victor!
Victor: Yes?
Sylvia: Where the fuck have you been?
Victor: Bring all the patients into this operating theatre and I will take care of them all at the same time!
[Gurneys begin wheeling into the room.]
Appendix Patient: Please. Please!
[Lee sighs wearily. Medical equipment clatters and beeps as Victor directs the setup.]
Victor: Bring me some patients! Who are these patients? Roll this one over here. Gunshot wound next to here. Appendectomy next to here. Conjoined twins next to here.
Gunshot Patient: [worried] Are you operating on us all at the same time?
Victor: Hush, little girl! Put this gown and anästhesie on—
Gunshot Patient: I’m a woman!
Victor: —this instant! Anesthesia for all of them!
[He rips the curtain closed around the Gunshot Patient.]
Lee: Alright. But we’re gonna have a fucking talk about your tone with me, Victor. Alright?
Victor: [unconcerned] Okay.
[Victor snaps some gloves on.]
Are we ready, ladies and gentleman? Behold the true power of pure science!
[Victor starts a tape player: spooky organ music builds throughout.]
Gunshot Patient: What’s happening?
[The Appendectomy Patient moans.]
Sylvia: It’s probably better if you don’t know.
Victor: Where is the anesthesia for this customer?
Lee: Right here.
Victor: Put that on her.
Gunshot Patient: Customer?
Victor: Put that on her!
Lee: Just- he’s not from here. You’re gonna have to- a-alright. Here.
Victor: You capitalist pigs. All you are customers of me! Ready?!
Gunshot Patient: Oh my god.
Victor: One! Two! I will operate all at once! Are you paying attention? You will learn a thing or two!
[He hurries over to a machine and cranks some dials.]
Sylvia: [hesitant] Are you sure you can do this?
Lee: What’re you gonna do with that big switch on the wall?!
[Victor flips the switch and electricity crackles.]
[Stat test chime.]
[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]
Victor: I’ve done it!
[Breakthrough chime.]
Yes! I have!
[Tools whip through the air as Victor uses his machine to operate on everyone at once.]
Oop, oop, oop, oop, oop! Now bring her over here! Quickly now, quickly now!
[The Gunshot Patient moans in pain. Flesh squelches and tools ring out.]
Done! I have already cured all these people! Look and be amazed!
Gunshot Patient: Oh wow. I feel so good.
Victor: See?
Appendix Patient: I feel great!
Sylvia: God dammit.
[Hospital theme song plays.]
AD BREAK |
[Radio clicks on.]
Kristin Couture: We’ll be right back after these messages.
[Radio switches stations.]
[Gentle music plays; New Age Website by Stevia Sphere.]
Sylvia: Alright. Who do we have on the floor today?
Room 3, we’ve got Tricia. Hmm. Let’s get a morphine drip ASAP.
Room 5, Corey. Corey… Why’s that sound familiar? Do I know a Corey? D’we- eh, doesn’t matter.
Room 6, truefuzz. Must be a family name.
Room 10, we have Jeff Schultz. Surgery is scheduled for this afternoon. Do not let Victor miss it again.
11, Dietrich Heiss. That’s a 5150. Do not let them go anywhere.
And Ozbian room 13. Oof. That’s gonna be quite the medical bill.
Good thing they’re only paying $3 a month for their 20 Sided Stories Patreon subscription. Oh, wow. Wait a second. It says here that they get two bonus episodes a month for being a Patron? And you get an Adventure Pass Holder role in the Discord, which lets you post pictures and memes? Carl used to love posting memes before his untimely, utterly accidental, death.
It says here in the chart that if your insurance premium is too high, you can just share the episode for free. I don't know about you, but that’s some pretty sexy math when you break it down. All I have to do is go to patreon.com/20SidedStories.
God it’s so much easier than signing up for Medicare. Maybe I’ll skip my shitty $3 machine-made coffee today. After all, there’s nothing recently-widowed middle-age women love more…than adventure.
[Music fades out.]
Except maybe wine. Wine’s pretty good.
[Radio clicks off.]
A Hospital Drama - Part II |
[A television channel runs quietly in the background.]
Wife: So…how’s work?
Lee: Um…busy. Busy.
Wife: Cool. Can you sleep on the couch tonight?
Lee: Ex- p- what?
Wife: Oh, you know.
Lee: Sure. Wh-what is it this time? Is that- is that I- that I- that I spoke wrong? I- did I come in wrong? Is there something I’m not providing for you as a man? I- look, it’s not [sighs] It’s not abnormal to not be intimate with your significant other. Just—
Wife: Look—
Lee: It’s already hard enough being married as a man of faith, and then being with- with the stresses of the hospital and- [sighs] You know, you said you wanted to make this work, but obviously that’s not it. I’m going back to my apartment next to the hospital in the Castro district.
Wife: All I’m saying is separation of church and state. ’Kay, Lee?
Lee: How ’bout separation of you and me? I’m fuckin’ outta here.
Wife: What?
Lee: I’m gone! I’m gone.
Wife: You better convince me right now not to- not to get the- the best damn divorce lawyer in the world and take your fucking life down.
[Stat test chime.]
[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]
Lee: I’m gay.
[Breakthrough chime.]
Wife: [awkward] Oh. [normal] Oh, that tracks.
Lee: Yup. Right.
Wife: Okay. That really just explains everything.
British Child 1: Mommy, Daddy? Are you fighting?
Wife: Yes. Yes. But we’re done now.
Lee: Yeah, we’re done. We- we really learned a lot about each other with this.
British Child 1: Is- is Daddy going to leave again?
Wife: Well he left, technically, a thing. But, um, he’s here.
British Child 2: Are we gonna have to go back to England, Mummy and Daddy?
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Lee: I knew we shouldn’t have—
[Stifled laughter.]
I knew we shouldn’t have adopted these English kids.
British Child 3: Oh, good show! We’ll be going back to the UK.
British Child 1: No, don’t say that!
British Child 3: I’m going to pack me bag and get ready to get up on the Hogwarts Express.
Lee: This is what happens—
[Sage stifles laughter.]
British Child 1&2: [tearful] I don’t want to go back to the UK!
Lee: This is what happens when you adopt kids, like, as a sale.
British Child 3: Platform 9¾!
Wife: Oh it was your fucking idea, Lee! You were like, that would be just- that would be so cute! And then found out- not until after we signed all the paperwork—
British Child 1: [gasps] Mommy said the F word!
British Child 3: Has anybody seen my basket?
Wife: —that you were drunk off of your goddamn ass—
Lee: I’m sorry! I had just—
Wife: —on Captain Morgan!
Lee: I had just watched Peter Pan!
British Child 2: I just wanna watch Paddington.
Lee: I had just watched Peter Pan!
British Child 2: I just wanna watch Paddington.
British Child 3: I think I’m gonna get sorted into Hufflepuff.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
British Child 1: This is worse than Charles and Diana’s breakup.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
British Child 3: This is worse than what ’appened to Diana after the breakup.
Wife: [sighs] Look, look, look—
British Child 1: Oh no! Daddy, don’t die in a car accident while you’re being chased by the paparazzi.
Lee: What?
British Child 2: Oh please don’t, Daddy!
British Child 3: Oh, that would be ever so dreadful, Daddy.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Wife: Look, look—
British Child 2: Oh, heartbreaking, Daddy!
Wife: My precious, precious little English babies.
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Daddy- e- Daddy and Mommy are gonna figure everything out, okay? The- we might have to split up some custody, but we’ll talk, you know—
British Child 3: Who’s gonna keep us safe from Voldemort?
[David stifles laughter.]
British Child 2: I don’t want to live in the tube again, please.
British Child 3: No, not the tube!
Wife: Alright. It’s way too—
British Child 1: Please, Daddy! Don’t send us back to the tube!
Wife: [weary] It is way too late for this conversation.
Lee: [weary] Honestly.
British Child 3: Not the tube. Anything but the tube!
Lee: We’re not- nobody’s- nobody’s going in the tube.
Wife: I’m gonna- [Sage stifles laughter]
Lee: We’re gonna—
Wife: I’m gonna throw some fish and chips on the ground. First one to get it wins.
British Child 1: Oh, I like this game!
British Child 3: I love eating off the floor!
Wife: [Sage stifles laughter] Here we go!
[She chucks some fish and chips and the air and it all clatters to the floor.]
British Child 2: You guys take such good care of us.
British Child 3: Yay!
British Child 2: Eating off the ground. Num, num, num, num.
Wife: G’night.
Lee: How did my life become such a fucking incomprehensible mess?
[Hospital theme song plays.]
[Someone hurries into the hospital lobby.]
Pool Boy: Hey, uh, Dr. Katz.
Sylvia: What’re you doing here? At my place of work?
Pool Boy: Uh, well, I wanted to see the hot doctor in action. Heh.
Sylvia: Don’t you have a pool to clean, you naughty boy?
Pool Boy: Yeah, I already cleaned out your pool, Dr. Katz.
Sylvia: You know you can’t be here.
Pool Boy: I know. I like to do things I’m not allowed to do. Heh, heh, heh.
Sylvia: It’s just, you know, suspicious so few months after Carl’s death. Which was absolutely an accident.
Pool Boy: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.
Sylvia: For me to be seen with such a young, virile [deep breath] man. You know what? There’s a supply closet down the hallway.
Pool Boy: Uh, what d’ya need to get? What kinda supplies are you lookin’ for?
Sylvia: Well I think we’re gonna need the mops after we’re done.
Pool Boy: [realization] Oh. Nice.
Sylvia: But we have to be quiet. There’s…patients. And I know Lee will get jealous if he finds out I’m boinking another pool boy.
Pool Boy: Who’s Lee?
Sylvia: It- j- it’s not important. Eh, get in the closet. Get—
Pool Boy: Oh. Alright.
[Sylvia grabs him and shoves him inside, slamming the door shut.]
Whoa. Yeah. This is awesome. Oh yeah.
Sylvia: It smells- does it- does it smell like a dead body in here?
[A body shifts and collapses with a thud.]
[yells] Victor! I swear to god!
Victor: [distant, muffled] What do you want? I’m busy!
Pool Boy: [horrified] Oh my god. Is that a corpse in here?
Sylvia: Yes. That’s absolutely a corpse in here. We should probably go.
Victor: [distant, muffled] Don’t touch my samples!
Pool Boy: Oh, I have a weak stomach, Dr. Katz. I don’t feel so good. Oh god.
Victor: [distant, muffled] What have you done to my sample?
[The Pool Boy gags.]
It’s all soggy-woggy!
Pool Boy: Oh god. Smells like jack shit in here.
Sylvia: Yeah, we should- we’re getting out. We’re getting out.
Pool Boy: Oh god.
[She opens the door and the two hurry out.]
[irked] Victor! Victor. Victor.
Victor: What?
Sylvia: Did you put another dead body in the supply closet?
Victor: These are samples. These are my real patients! They are the one that needs my help the most!
Sylvia: [slow] Keep it in the morgue, Victor!
Victor: [irked] Fine.
Sylvia: I will help you move it, but just this time. Jason, you’re gonna help us.
Pool Boy: Uh, what?
Sylvia: You’re strong and- and stuff. Hmm.
Victor: Come here, son.
Jason: [nervous] Uh.
Sylvia: Alright. We just have to get this body to the morgue without anybody seeing it.
Jason: I got a really weak stomach, Dr. Katz. Uh…
Sylvia: [seductive] Uh, you know, I like it when you call me Dr. Katz.
Jason: Yeah. Yeah Dr. Katz.
Sylvia: [giggles] [irked] It’s not the time! It’s not the time.
Jason: Oh god. It’s so hard.
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Sylvia: Alright.
Victor: Following Katz. Are you shy? You have the fortitude to withstand the erotic nature of what we are doing.
Sylvia: Okay let’s- we’re gonna lift it. L-let’s see if we can.
[Stat test chime.]
[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands.]
[Baggage chime.]
[The three of them grunt as they struggle with the corpse.]
Oh. Um…
[The corpse lands hard on the ground and the head rolls away.]
Jason: Oh fuck, dude…
Sylvia: You c- you couldn’t’ve picked a smaller body, Victor?
Victor: This is why I left it in the closet. It’s too large.
Sylvia: I told you, you need to stop killing members of the WWE.
Jason: [nervous] Hey, uh, guys. I’m sensin’ some shady shit happenin’ right now.
Victor: Nein.
Jason: I’m gonna- I think I gotta go. Uh…
Sylvia: Come on just [sigh] help me carry it to the morgue. It’ll be fine. You’re strong.
Jason: I don't know.
Sylvia: [seductive] You cleaned those leaves outta the pool so quickly.
Jason: Oh god. That’s- you’re- [irked] You’re seducin’ me too much, man! Ah, god. Listen. I draw the line at dead bodies. Sylvia, I don't know. I gotta go. I need some- I need some time to think about it.
Sylvia: You can’t leave me like this. [shocked sigh]
Jason: I’m sorry, dude.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
[Sage chuckles.]
Peace, man.
[He walks away.]
Sylvia: [quiet] Fuck.
Victor: I will come back for him later. After closing.
Sylvia: [irked] No. You cannot leave him here. We have janitors. They have to use this closet.
Victor: [irked] Ahhh!
Sylvia: This body is gone by the end of the day.
Victor: Hai.
Sylvia: Or I’m telling Jill.
Victor: Ja, ja, ja. Ja. Whatever.
[Hospital theme song plays.]
[A crowd chatters in the background. Gentle music plays; Payphone by Eyeliner.]
Jill’s Date: Wow. Jill, that’s just so fascinating. Oh, yeah, uh. Steak for me.
[A pen scribbles across paper as the Waiter writes the order.]
Waiter: Alright. And, uh, for the lady?
Jill: Oh, um, yes. Uh, I’ll have the same. Steak. Uh, make sure it’s medium, uh, well. Not rare. If it’s a little pink, like, I- I can’t eat it.
[The Waiter scribbles a note and shuts his book.]
Waiter: Alright, no problem. I’ll be back with that tray. Thank you.
Jill: Thank you.
[The Waiter walks away.]
Jill’s Date: So what’re you gonna do? I mean, how could you possibly run a hospital with that much shit going on?
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Jill: Oh, you know, just I gotta do what I gotta do. And, uh, just so you know, my pager’s on all the time.
Jill’s Date: Really?
Jill: Yeah.
Jill’s Date: Well, that’d be a shame. 'Cause this is a really deep, personal moment. I would hate for it to get interrupted by something work-related.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. Uh, me too. Me too. Um… Like your, uh, tie…you got.
Jill’s Date: Thank you.
Jill: Yeah.
Jill’s Date: I made it myself.
Jill: You made that tie?
Jill’s Date: Mm-hmm.
Jill: Wow. That’s, um, very impressive.
Jill’s Date: Sorry, is this date not going well? Are you feelin’ it?
Jill: You know, I- I just—
[Her pager beeps. She sighs in irritation.]
Sorry, I gotta look at this real quick.
[She unclips the pager from her belt.]
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
Jill’s Date: It’s fine. [clears throat]
Jill: [whispers] Oh, shit. [normal] Um, Jim. D’you wanna, like- can we- c-c- [sighs] They- the- there’s a- a bunch of stuff happening.
[Jill’s phone rings.]
Oh god. Oh god. More- okay—
Jim: No, it’s fine.
Jill: So there’s- there’s- just- there’s bodies in the hallways. Like we’re overflowing right now. Um, and I swear—
[Jill’s pager and phone start ringing again.]
Jim: Oh, you’re, uh—
Jill: —I’m having a great time. Oh my- oh my god. I swear.
[Jill’s second phone starts vibrating. A car alarm blares. Two more car alarms join the chaos.]
Jill: Oh…
Jim: Why do, uh, why- why are one of your—
[Phones and pagers continue buzzing, beeping.]
Jill: I’m so sorry, Jim. I—
Jim: Jill?
Jill: Here, I turned it off. I turn it off. It’s off.
Jim: Jill, d’y- d’you- d’you have a—
[Another alarm joins the chaos.]
Jill: [irked] I turned it off.
[She smashes her car keys on the table.]
I turned it off!
Jim: Is your entire waist circled with pagers from end to end?
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Jill: We’re really understaffed right now, Jim. I’m- I- you know… [sighs]
Jim: I heard there were several malpractice settlements, uh, for your institution.
Jill: Where’d you hear that?
Jim: The news.
Jill: Um, y-you know, it’s- it’s a lot. It’s a lot for me to—
[A pager goes off.]
Wha-
[The others all start beeping at once.]
I just want to have a nice date and maybe have sex with somebody for the first time in fifteen years!
Jim: [shocked] Oh. Wow. Second date.
Jill: Uck. God. I really like you, Jim, okay? Um, I’ll call ya.
Jim: [sighs] Wouldn’t Jim and Jill be such a good couple’s name?
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Call us…Jill.
[Emily stifles laughter.]
Or Jim. Uh, works either way.
Jill: Can I give you—
Jim: Jilm, even.
Jill: Can I- can I give you a kiss?
Jim: Oh, um. I don't know, I…feel kind of turned off.
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
I feel like if, maybe, you could, I don't know, turn me back on somehow then maybe I’d be down.
[Jill croaks in uncertainty.]
[Stat test chime.]
[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]
[The car alarm starts blaring and the pagers go off.]
[Baggage chime.]
Jill: I’m sorry. Hey, guess what? Jim. Jim. Jim. Jim?
Jim: [hesitant] Uh, you know, it- No, Jill, Jill, Jill. Shh.
Jill: [whispers] What?
Jim: It’s fine. Your job is your significant other.
Jill: [heartbroken] No. No, no, no.
[Jim stands up.]
Oh—
Jim: Goodbye.
Jill: [cries] Okay. Maybe in another life. [sniffles]
[The pagers start blaring again.]
[yells] I’m coming, dipshit!
[Hospital theme song plays.]
[Fluorescent lights hum in an office.]
Lee: Hey, Corey.
Corey: Oh, what is it this time? [nervous sigh]
Lee: Uh, look, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Corey: Y- oh.
Lee: I’m not much for IT. I’m- I’m a doctor. I’m just the head resident here. But I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. You know, on [sighs] my days off, on Sunday, as you know, I’m- I’m a pastor and I run services at the local church and it’s- it’s part of my job to understand when the community that I try to foster is in need of some support. And you look like you’re having a bad time. Is there something you wanna get off your chest, maybe?
[Corey lets out a heavy sigh.]
Corey: Well, you might’ve seen the news. I mean it was like a small story, but [nervous chuckle] you know, uh. A whole- the whole database, you know. A lot o’ the hospitals have been switching over to computer systems and stuff like that.
Lee: Mm-hmm.
Corey: Lo-lotta more reliance on the tech. And anyhow all that fell onto my shoulders 'cause nobody else is gonna fuckin’ do it. I mean, yeah everything wiped. Hor-horrible. Terrible. Oh god. Um, but, you know, [stammers] In another way, it’s a kind of a good thing. I mean, you said I can confe— Can we go into like- there’s like a confession room, right? Those are where we can go into, like—
Lee: Oh, I’m not Catholic. But, um, sure. You know what, sure. Le—
Corey: We- we could un-under the table, you know what?
Lee: Well—
Corey: Well, not literally, but you know what- [nervous laugh] figuratively.
Lee: What? Sure.
Corey: Like- like under the table, but then like in, like, the booth. So it’s, like, not actually—
Lee: Here’s a curtain that we use to separate the patients if you…
Corey: Okay. Yeah.
Lee: That’d be…? Alright.
[He slides the curtain between them.]
I’ll just move this over. Alright, sure.
Corey: Yeah, um…
[A chair creaks as Lee sits down.]
Lee: What’s on your mind?
Corey: It’s weird, 'cause I feel like I jeopardized my job. Like I [nervous laugh] really fucked that one up. I had one chance, uh, when I was- when I was tryin’a log back in.
Lee: Mm-hmm.
Corey: Anyway, uh, you know, it’s weird 'cause I feel almost relieved in another way. And I haven’t felt a lot of relief in a while, because- because, you know, uh, I- I- I’ve been secretly changing [sighs] um… You see- okay, so [quiet] I’ve been doing this thing for a while. Where, you know, if I- if a patient comes in and they’re like, uh, [nervous chuckle] like, financially struggling or something?
Lee: Mm-hmm.
Corey: Then I- I just, like, secretly, I’ll, like, routinely- I, like, I go into their file and I just, like, lower the- the price of the bill.
[Beat.]
Lee: I- m…
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, you what?
Corey: Well since we switched everything to the database, like, everything’s kinda, like, in there, right? There is some paperwork and stuff. Or there’s kind of a transitional process, but there’s a lot of, like, oversight on a lot o’ stuff.
Lee: Y- No, no, no. I’m sorry. So hold on. Hold on. I’d- I… I don’t speak, uh, whatever this is. Um, you…
Corey: Anxiety.
[Stifled laughter.]
Lee: So you’re saying you’ve gone into the records and you have changed the records to lower the cost care for our patients. Lessening the amount of money that this hospital brings in. Of which we are in clearly so desperate need of.
Corey: Uh—
Lee: And…
Corey: W- I mean, it’s [sighs] It’s kind of a matter of opinion.
[A light knock on the office door.]
I mean, do we really need more money?
Woman: Excuse me?
Corey: I mean, it’s the- the fucking American—
Lee: [stammers] Hold on. Shut—
[Corey clears his throat loudly.]
Shut up- shut- shut up.
Woman: E-excuse me?
Lee: Shut up, Corey.
Woman: Excuse me?
Lee: Yes? I’m sorry, yes?
Woman: Uh, it—
Lee: We’re having a bit of a meeting.
Woman: [nervous sigh] Hi, are you Corey?
Corey: Uh… [nervous laugh] Uh, yeah. I guess. Sure.
Woman: Um, I- I- I’m just a little confused, 'cause I got the bill for my father’s heart transplant and it’s only $500.
[Lee springs out of his chair.]
Lee: [yells] $500?!
Woman: I- I’m- I’m—
Corey: Okay. [nervous laugh] Okay, okay hold on.
Woman: I mean, that’s fantastic, but—
Corey: Okay, I’m sorry. Who are you?
Gladys: Oh, I’m- I’m Gladys White. I- my- my father, Dan White, was here. A week ago he got a heart transplant.
Corey: [whispers] Oh god, that’s right.
Gladys: No. I- just- I- your name is at the bottom of this paperwork.
[Corey sighs anxiously.]
And I just wanted to say thank you.
Corey: Oh. [nervous laugh]
Gladys: Thank you so much! You—
Corey: Oh shit. Fuck. Yeah. Shit. Yeah, you’re so fucking welcome. [quiet] Must’ve left the e-signature thing on. Damnit.
Gladys: I- I mean, like, I’m in debt from college and there’s just no way we were gonna be able to pay for this and- and you! You crunched these numbers—
Corey: [quiet, anxious] Yeah, I overheard a lot of it.
Gladys: —and you saved my dad’s life. You saved my family. And I just- I don't know how I could ever repay you.
Corey: Wow…uh…
Lee: Maybe, uh…next time you should- could pay full price.
[Beat.]
Gladys: What?
Corey: Uh, you know, Lee. I thought we had a curtain. I thought we drew a line, you know, where, um—
Lee: Um, I’m- I’m sorry, Miss. What was your- what was your name again? I’m- I’m- I’m really bad picture names.
Gladys: I’m- I’m Gladys White.
Lee: Gladys. Gladys.
Gladys: It’s unfortunate for a 22-year-old to be named Gladys, but—
Lee: Oh, uh—
Gladys: —I kinda like it.
Lee: It’s nice. It’s—
Corey: It’s okay. At least your middle name isn’t Rainbows.
Lee: Corey… Oh boy. Uh, Gladys, thank you so much for coming in to- and- and—
Gladys: Thank you to the man who literally [chuckles] saved my whole family. So—
[Lee lets out a growling sigh.]
—th-thank you!
Lee: Uh, alright.
Gladys: Um, you’re invited to Thanksgiving, if you wanna come! [Emily stifles laughter]
Lee: [displeased] Mmm. That’s great.
Corey: [shocked laugh] Wow! Whoa, boy. [chuckles] I mean, I just- I don't know, I’ve never celebrated before, so…
Gladys: Think on that! But thank you. Thank you so much. You’re my hero! Thank you, Corey! Okay, bye!
[She walks away.]
Lee: You gotta give me one good reason not to report this.
Corey: Oh. Well thank god I have one excellent idea.
[Stat test chime.]
[Heart monitor beeps. A coin flips. Beep. The coin lands.]
[Jessica blows her lips in amusement.]
Sage: Fuck! [stifles laughter, away from microphone] Shit. Fuck!
[Jessica chuckles.]
I can’t find my coin, so I’m gonna—
[Baggage chime.]
Jessica: Well that’s a failure.
[Travis and Emily laugh.]
Sage: [amused] Assume that’s a loss.
Emily: Automatic fail.
Corey: Okay, look—
Lee: You understand—
Corey: [nervous chuckle] Okay. Look, okay, okay—
Lee: I have to do—
Corey: [fast] Hold it. Just look. Listen, listen, listen!
Lee: I have to—
Corey: [fast] I have to think. I have to think. Listen, listen, I have to think!
Lee: —start an IV with a screwdriver last week, Corey!
Corey: Fuckin’ brain blast! Okay? Listen. I thought this through. I really- I- you know, I don’t have a lot of time for thinking, but when I’m going from floor to fucking floor, working on every goddamn dumbass who needs to fix their password, where every little machine—
Lee: Robbing the hospital blind in the- during the process!
Corey: [sighs] I’ve overheard lots of great ideas from people who just aren't heard. And- and, you know, what this hospital needs is some heart. Okay? Some spirit! Some- some- some way to- to- to show that it cares for patients and not actually be some- part of the money, you know what I mean? So with the Internet, okay, it’s building, man. It’s gonna be huge! We ask for public funding. By the crowd of people.
[Beat.]
Lee: What? You want a…publicly funded hospital?
Corey: Yeah!
Lee: Corey.
Corey: Hmm?
[Beat.]
Lee: That’s the dumbest fuckin’ think I’ve ever heard. Oh my god. Corey!
[Corey sighs.]
You have absolutely fucked us. You—
[The loudspeaker beeps.]
Jill: Attention staff. Apparently the press are here. I’m calling for an emergency meeting. Please drop everything you are doing. Again, emergency staff meeting, now.
[The loudspeaker clicks off.]
Corey, Lee: Uh-oh.
[Hospital theme song plays.]
[People shuffle into the morgue.]
Jill: Alright, staff. Thank you so much for, uh, meeting right before this fucking press conference. And, um, thanks, Victor, for letting us use the morgue.
Victor: I had nothing to do with it! I don’t know anything!
Lee: Look, what we need is a plan to save the hospital and to appease the public.
Corey: Yes. Yes.
Lee: Now, Victor has something radical.
Corey: Yes, that sounds good.
Lee: Corey, gonna need you to stop talking for this, alright? Thank you. Radical, but effective ideas.
Sylvia: Oh god, you’re gonna reanimate a corpse, aren’t you?
Jill: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Victor: We will double down on the harvesting of the bodies and perpetuate—
Jill: Uh…
Sylvia: Double down?
Victor: —a new paradigm of profits for the hospital to save the money.
Jill: I’m sorry…
Victor: I know many interested parties. Who are interested in buying valuable organs and parts from people.
Jill: Victor, I don't know if your accent is too thick, but are you fucking telling me that you’re harvesting bodies?
Lee: Well, harvesting is a strong word. But—
Victor: Recycling? Reusing. Repurpose. Reduce!
Jill: [horrified] What the fuck?
Victor: Nien! Look. If you see this. Inside—
[A body bag unzips.]
—this body bag. This is Gladys. Do you recognize her?
Lee: Gla—
Jill: [quiet, nervous] Which Gladys?
Lee: Yeah! She went to go—
Victor: Not anymore! I’m afraid I got a little carried away. I was looking for a blood match for that heart I took out of that man earlier.
Corey: Oh. Oh dear god!
Victor: I cannot bring back my beloved, Lizbett, and engage the glorious glimpse at phoenix fire of eternal life without a constant stream of willing bodies—
Jill: Victor!
Victor: —and this is hospital. What?
Jill: What the fuck is going on?
Lee: Okay. So Corey here in IT, everybody’s favorite fuck up, has decided he’s gonna be, uh, it’s great to play Robin Hood and go around giving people discounts upwards of 98% for treatments.
[Corey chuckles nervously.]
That guy’s heart transplant? Trust- charged him $500. Went into the paperwork after the fact—
Jill: What about the bodies?
Lee: Victor has been…using, uh, patients that are either DOA or don’t make it through their treatments—
Victor: Or aren’t- just- [stammers]
[Lee stammers over Victor to shut him up.]
Sylvia: Do you know how much a HIPAA violation that is?
Jill: Uh—
Lee: We-we’re past HIPAA. We’re long past HIPAA.
Sylvia: Nobody’s past HIPAA. That’s the point.
Jill: Alright, well thanks for this bomb being dropped on me right before, literally, I’m getting paged that the press is ready for us to go out. I- what the—
Lee: Well!
Sylvia: The Chronicle is going to eat us alive.
Lee: It’s not our fault that Corey here has been getting everybody, you know, up to 98% off of their bill.
Corey: You know it’s the right thing to do! You know it!
Jill: 98%, Corey?!
Corey: Ask yourself. Deep down!
Jill: I literally have to put my house—
Lee: What do you mean it's the right thing to do?
Victor: I can get $15,000 for Corey! Let’s open him up!
Jill: I have- I have to put another mortgage on my house!
Lee: That’s not how the world works, Corey!
Corey: [fast] So what d’I- Just- what d’I- what d’we tell them? What d’we tell them? 'cause peop- 'cause peop- now apparently there’s this rumor going around. Corey, Corey this hero that saved my dad. Corey, Corey this- here- so many- so- so what d’you want me to tell them, okay? I’m sorry. I made a mistake, I’ll stop it. What d’you want me to tell them?
Lee: I don’t want you to say anything, first of all.
Victor: Yes.
Sylvia: Corey, you’re gonna shut the fuck up.
Corey: Okay. Yeah. No. I can do that. That’s fine. That’s great.
Victor: Corey’s lungs would fetch $15,000 on the open market!
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Lee: Uh, okay—
Corey: What?
Lee: Well, as an example- as a- as a for instance, somebody— Lungs, $15,000. That could at least get the generators back up.
Victor: Corey’s lungs. Corey’s lungs!
Lee: Maybe—
Corey: [Sage stifles laughter] No! Please, no!
Lee: Any-anyone’s lungs.
Victor: This is your fault!
Lee: Any lung! It doesn't need to be Corey’s.
Sylvia: Listen. We get out there and we tell fucking Sam Johnson at The Chronicle, that motherfucker, that it’s Medicare’s fault.
Jill: Okay.
Sylvia: He’ll love it.
Lee: Yeah. That’s…
Jill: Medicare’s fault.
Sylvia: Eat that shit right up.
Lee: Blame the poor. That’s always been… That’s what’s got us out of this jam.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
Jill: Okay, perfect. That’s perfect.
Victor: Medicare.
Sylvia: This is San Francisco. We always blame the poor.
[They go outside the hospital. Journalists chatter and cameras click throughout.]
Jill: Thank you. Thank you everyone. Um, we’ll take questions. Uh…
Shady Man: [distant] I wanna buy a heart!
Journalist: [distant] Are you aware that your doctors are accused of taking steroids?
Jill: Yeah.
Susan: Um, hello. Uh, uh, Susan Wentworth with The Bugle. Um, I was wondering, uh, what is your current, um, uh, success rate as a surgeon?
Victor: I have had a 100% success rate!
[The journalists “ooo” in amazement.]
Lee: Look, despite- despite the discourse around this hospital, you have to understand that every day…we’re just tryin’a help people get better. And in a city like this, it’s hard, you know? We’re underfunded, and we’re underprepared. But we’re trying. So… [sighs] We need everybody to take a breath. We’ll be happy to answer your questions in a nice, orderly fashion, and we can get back to saving lives. It’s what we do best. It’s what I wanna do.
[The crowd claps.]
Journalist 2: Oh wow. He’s so kind.
Journalist 3: Wow. Incredible.
[A camera clicks.]
Lee: Thank you.
[He covers the microphone and speaks over his shoulder.]
Don’t fuck this up, guys.
Journalist 4: Yeah, I have a question for, uh, Dr. Jill Shepard. You’re the Chief of Medicine, correct?
Jill: That- Yes. That’s- that’s true.
Journalist 4: Yeah, so there’ve been a lot of rumors floating around, as I’m sure you’re aware. That’s why all of us are here. Something about bodies missing and more patients going in than really than leaving. Not to mention, people are getting discounts. And we really wanna know how this coupon program works and how you can apply for it.
Jill: Um…g-great question. Uh, keep- keep being curious, you. Um, there—
Journalist 5: Uh, follow up question over here. Uh, I’ve been—
Jill: Okay.
Journalist 5: I- I been hearing reports that this—
Jill: Mm-hmm?
Journalist 5: —discount program is actually a- a- a ploy to get, uh, the low-income population in the city to enter into your hospital. Which would then be exterminated, thereby eliminating the housing problem we’re having in San Francisco. Is this true?
Jill: That is—
Journalist 5: Is this true?
Jill: No! That is completely untrue.
Corey: Yes it is! It’s true!
Jill: No. No it is not!
Corey: Dammit!
Jill: This is all Medicare’s fault—
Corey: Look around! We live in a shithole!
Sylvia: Corey…
Journalist 6: Question. Question. I have a question.
Corey: Silicon Valley is completely demolishing all chances of a- of a equilibrium in our economy!
Jill: Yes! SF Buzzfeed. What is it?
Taylor: Uh, SF Buzzfeed, my name is Taylor. Uh, i- are you aware that there are no homeless people in a two-mile radius of this hospital? They’ve all vanished.
Jill: Um, we’re in a very, uh, affluent neighborhood. Um, there’s Homeowners Associations that have put things in charge. There’s a lot of—
Sylvia: It’s a serial killer.
[The crowd gasps.]
Lee: Mmm.
Sylvia: That’s the only answer. Clearly.
Jill: There is a serial killer on the loose.
Sylvia: It’s the Zodiac Killer. He’s back.
Jill: He’s still alive.
Sylvia: He is most- it’s most certainly him.
[The crowd murmurs.]
Lee: This is going very poorly.
Jill: The serial killer is out there!
Lee: I think we’re fucked.
Jill: And- [quiet] my god.
Journalist 4: I have a question for the surgeon.
Victor: What? What do you want?!
[Travis stifles laughter.]
Journalist 4: How d’you- how [Sage stifles laughter] What’s it like? Tell me. How d’you- ho-how- what’s a day on the job?
[Travis snickers.]
Sylvia: Um, he’s not the surgeon that you want to talk to. Uh, I’m pretty sure that—
Victor: Every day my hand is wrist deep, in the very soul of this very people in this city! Every day I am up to mein waist with the human excrement—
Jill: T-tone it- tone it- tone it down. [whispers] Don’t be so angry! Don’t be so—
Victor: —that you shovel into this hospital. Day in and day out!
Jill: [whispers, angry] Stop being so angry! Stop it!
Lee: [whispers] We need to end the press conference. We need to get out of here.
Journalist 4: Wow. Incredible. Thank you so much for the interview.
Victor: You will join the legions of the undead horde!
[Sage stifles laughter.]
[Cameras click.]
Sylvia: Jill.
Journalist 4: Well, I’ll give it to them. They have passion. Alright. Next question!
Jill: [loud] Thank you everyone for coming. We will be taking no more further questions.
[The crowd clamors angrily.]
Lee: Everybody back in the hospital. Back in the hospital! Everybody get back— Hold up! Get back in the hospital!
[Lee grabs Corey and drags him inside. The crew runs away from the crowd, slamming through the hospital doors.]
Corey: [yells] Socialized healthcare is the future!
Sylvia: Guys, shouldn’t we care about the hurricane?
Victor: [irked] Now we have to go back in.
Jill: [angry] Corey, shut the fuck up!
Corey: If I can’t get hired at fuckin’ Survey Monkey, then I’m gonna save this city!
Lee: Corey, I swear to God, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna let him take out your lungs.
Victor: Let me sell Corey.
Lee: You want your lungs gone?
Victor: Let me sell Corey! [David stifles laughter]
Lee: We’re not selling Corey. Look, look, okay.
Victor: Nein!
Lee: That could not have gone worse. I think… [sighs]
Jill: We’re gonna die in prison. I’m gonna die in prison.
Lee: No.
Jill: I’m not gonna—
Lee: No, we’re not gonna die in prison.
Jill: —do well in prison. Do you see my face?
Corey: [calmer] Sorry, I had a lot o’ tension that I kinda just needed to get out. I- maybe I should’ve picked a different time for that, though.
Victor: It’s time for Plan C!
Corey: It felt good. [chuckles]
Lee: Plan C?
Sylvia: Listen. As a—
Victor: Plan C!
Lee: Plan C?
Sylvia: As a—
Lee: C?
Victor: C!
Sylvia: Listen. As a smoking-hot middle-aged woman, we know there’s always one place that we can escape to.
[Beat.]
Cabo.
Victor: Cabo!
Lee: Cabo on three.
Lee, Victor: One, two, three.
[Sage chuckles.]
Lee: Cabo!
Victor, Jill: Cabo!
Corey: [hesitant] Ca-abo…
[Sage chuckles.]
[Vaporwave track Private Hospital by Eyeliner plays on a radio.]
[Waves lap on the beach and birds chirp. Music continues throughout.]
Sylvia: I told you everything would be better in Cabo.
Jill: [relaxed] Ahh.
Lee: Much better. It’s amazing what shit you can do with a medical license here.
Sylvia: Yeah. I mean, the amount of people we’ve managed to bring back from the dead is pretty impressive.
Lee: Yeah.
Jill: I’ve had sex with so many people.
Sylvia: We’re really proud of you, Jill.
Jill: Oh. Yeah. Thank you.
Sylvia: And here, nobody cares about the manslaughter charge.
Lee: Nope.
Corey: [languid] Holy shit the weed.
[Travis stifles laughter.]
I feel so chilled out.
Sylvia: That’s wonderful. Oh my son. I…may have left him.
Jason: Yeah, but thanks for bringin’ me, Sylvia. I’m glad I could be your cabana boy. Heh!
Sylvia: Jason you know you’re the best cabana boy. And you also know to call me Dr. Katz.
Jason: Oh yeah. Sorry, Dr. Katz. [chuckles]
Lee: Has anyone seen Victor?
[A jet ski revs around the water in the distance.]
Victor: [distant] Hey guys. It’s me! I bought a ski!
[Stifled laughter.]
This is great! This is far out!
Lee: Wow.
Corey: Oh.
Lee: We finally brought Elizabeth back. [Travis stifles laughter]
[Jessica stifles laughter.]
Victor: [distant] Come on, honey!
Sylvia: She looks…bad.
Lee: Really bad.
[Elizabet groans in the distance.]
The stitches are…clearly visible.
Sylvia: [loud] Looking great, Liz! Killin’ it. Just killin’ it.
Victor: [distant] Wave to the camera, Lizzy!
[The stitches in Elizabet’s arm rip and it falls off.]
Lee: Op. That arm came off.
[Elizabet groans in the distance.]
Corey: Well what now?
Lee: Well I mean, I’m goin’ to hell, so…I don't know.
Sylvia: Let’s open our own hospital.
Lee: In Cabo?
Sylvia: Yeah. Why not?
Lee: Cabo General?
Sylvia: We’ll call it the Katz Coenfield Shepard Martin Frankenstein Memorial Hospital.
[Corey gasps eagerly.]
Jill: That has a nice ring to it.
Corey: Do you think
[nervous chuckle] I mean, it’s just an idea, but, that I could then…be a doctor?
Sylvia: In Cabo…everything’s possible.
Corey: So…I’ll be…Dr. Martin?
Sylvia: Sure. You can sell people Xanax or something.
[Travis snickers.]
British Child 2: Oh no, Daddy, my skin complexion’s not made for this type of climate. I’m burning.
British Child 1: Daddy, I’m red as a lobster.
British Child 3: Oye, Daddy? Where’s the wizarding school?
[Travis stifles laughter. Emily chuckles.]
I’ve looked everywhere.
[Stifled laughter.]
British Child 1: Daddy, do they have fish and chips here?
British Child 3: Which one of these is Kings Cross Station? It’s just a bunch of silly-looking men with mustaches.
[Stifles laughter.]
Corey: Lee…
British Child 1: Why is the ocean so blue?
Corey: What the fuck, dude? Lee? Huh?
Lee: It’s- look. I get 'em—
Corey: How many kids do you have? I feel like they keep multiplying.
Lee: No. I’ve got the three. I get 'em every other weekend. So, you know…
Corey: And you fly 'em back every time?
Lee: Yeah.
British Child 1: We’re so excited to be with Daddy in Cabo.
British Child 2: Yes, Daddy!
British Child 3: Where’s the fish and chips, Daddy?
[Corey chuckles.]
British Child 1: Where’s the fish and chips? [Emily stifles laughter]
Corey: Out- out there. In the ocean.
Lee: Alright, gang. Let’s go get some fish and chips.
British Child 1: Yay! [claps]
British Child 3: Yay!
British Child 2: Yay, let’s go swimming in the ocean!
British Child 1: Yay!
Lee: We can talk about your whore mother.
[Episode music starts.]
[Jessica gasps.]
Sage: [amused] Oh shit! [chuckles]
[Stifled laughter.]
British Child 3: Whore Mummy? Did you just say whore Mummy?
British Child 2: You called our Mummy a—
British Child 1: Daddy says Mummy’s a slag!
British Child 1&2: Ooo!
British Child 2: Mummy’s a slag!
[Sage stifles laughter.]
I saw you guys snogging before we left, though.
British Child 3: She’s a right trollop, Mummy is.
British Child 2: Oh dear.
British Child 3: No wonder you left him, Mummy.
British Child 1: I heard you called Mummy a mewling quim.
Lee: That was more to myself… More to myself.
Sylvia: I think this is the beginning of a beautiful hospital.
[Sage stifles laughter.]
[Hospital theme plays to the end.]
[The Twilight Space episode-end chime plays.]
Credits |
[Twilight Space music throughout.]
Kristin Couture: 20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.
Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.
Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela
Original music by Sage G.C.
A very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon Supporters of past, present, and future
Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.
You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories
Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com
Narrator: Illness, wellness,
And the balance of life
Death leads to Revival
As the Circle closes like a casket
This loop stops for no one
Even the most sacred among us,
Can crack under the pressure
After all, our jobs and our selves
Are just two sides of the same coin
One of the many effects
That come with your prescription
To the Twilight Space
Thanks for Listening! |
Sage: Hey, everyone. Sorry for yet another month-long delay. I put out that release schedule and then just immediately got caught up in some personal matters. Uh, I needed some time away from Adobe Audition anyhow, so that was good.
Anyway, there’s still one more One-Shot to go. I’m not exactly sure when it’s gonna drop. Gotta be honest. But make sure you’re subscribed or following the podcast in whatever app you’re listening to so you know as soon as it’s up. 'Cause I gotta tell you, this one’s been locked in since the very beginning. We’re so excited about it.
Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later.