Introduction / Trailer

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

Introduction

Air Date: September 16, 2020

Introduction

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Narrator:         You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of wonder and imagination, of things and…stuff.

Up until now, we’ve traveled to a world and we’ve stayed there for the better half of a year. But now it's time to assemble a variety. A sampler. An anthology within the anthology.

Five Improvised One-Shots, of wildly different worlds. Released back to back over the next couple of months.

And first up…is…A24’s The Green Knight.

Bartender:        [shocked] Oye! The Green Knight ’imself?

Rebecca:           Yeah.

Bartender:        You know of the legend?

Stev:             Know of it? We’re chasin’ it!

Elowyn:        Sst! [warning] Stev.

Rebecca:           [bragging] We’re living it.

Stev:             We’re gonna bend them over and kick his green, lily-ass all the way back to yarkbergarg or wherever he comes from.

[Various birds cry out.]

Elowyn:        [sarcastic] Oh good. Another forest.

Merlin:          Yes, hello there. There are many dark secrets in the forest. You must be watchful!

Elowyn:        [unimpressed] Yes, yes.

Man:                It’s a magic fox, you understand?

[He takes a deep breath and sighs.]

Rebecca:           Well—

Man:                [whispers] You prob’ly think I’m crazy or somethin’.

Elowyn:        Oh.

Man:                I- I swear! I swear!

Stev:             Oh, no, no. We got Merlin.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        Yea—

Stev:             We’re right with you.

Man:                [gasps] The Merlin?

Stev:             Yeah!

Merlin:          Yes.

Rebecca:           [loud] Stop mentioning that he’s actually Merlin!

Man:                Wow!

Elowyn:        Not the time.

Man:                Could you- could you sign my crossbow?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Merlin:          There! Fox has met my eye! Look!

Stev:             Oh! Oh my god, look at that.

Sage:            [amused] It’s pissing on a tree.

[Urine splashes.]

Merlin:          Get it while it’s distracted, boy. We must keep it safe.

Rebecca:           [sings] Juicy pool of meat. [clicks tongue] Ready to be eat…en! [clicks tongue]

Merlin:          It’s time to tap into your bardic powers!

Stev:             Goes a little somethin’…like…this.

[Blows on a kazoo.]

Sage:            Stev, roll me Performance.

Stev:             Oh boy.

Elowyn:        You broke the line with my brother, but I will not break as easy.

[A sword rasps out of its sheath. Elowyn charges forward with a roar and stabs something]

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

[The Twilight Space music.]

Narrator:         The Green Knight one-shot will be released next Wednesday, September 23.

The four that remain will be shrouded from you. You will not know their contents until the day of. But know they do lie between the pit of your fears and the summit of your knowledge.

That's the signpost up ahead—your next stop, THE TWILIGHT SPACE!

[Music fades.]

Announcements

[20 Sided Stories music.]

Sage:            THE TWILIGHT SPACE! A series of five wildly different one-shots will start next week with Part 1 of The Green Knight, followed by four more episodes of familiar but unexpected worlds and genres.

Of course, you know who we are. I’m Sage. Travis and Jess, can you just- also say that.

Travis:          I’m Sage.

Sage:            [stifles laughter] No. No, you’re Travis.

Jessica:          No, I’m Sage!

Sage:            No, you’re Jess [chuckles].

Jessica:          No.

Travis:          No, we’re all Sage.

[Emily stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]

Sage:            We have been the hosts for a while now, but we are also very excited to officially welcome Emily Ervolina and David Michmerhuizen into the fold—

Emily:          Hello.

Sage:            —as producers/cohosts.

[Jessica whoops.]

Emily:          Hi, gang.

David:           Uh, you messed up how to pronounce my name.

Sage:            [amused] How do I say your name?

David:           Sage.

[Chuckling.]

Emily:          Got ’im.

Travis:          See?

Emily:          Got ’im!

Travis:          He fits right in.

Jessica:          See, they’re both just so funny and charismatic.

[David chuckles.]

They need ta stay.

Sage:            You guys have both made immense contributions to the podcast. Emily, you were only supposed to be a seasonal host, but you did phenomenal. We can’t help but keep you on. We need you.

David:           Yay, Emily!

Emily:          I’m like a parasite [chuckles].

[Jessica laughs.]

David:           Hooray for Emily!

Travis:          Hooray for Emily.

Sage:            David, you’ve already been basically a main character without being a player, so it’s like fuck it, let’s just commit [chuckles] you know?

[David stifles laughter. Jessica chuckles.]

So I’m so excited to have you two for the season and the five of us will, together, carry the mantle forward.

David:           Super jazzed about it.

Travis:          Whoo hoo!

Emily:          Yes.

Jessica:          Yaaay!

Emily:          Very jazzed.

Sage:            So couple updates. The past couple weeks that you might have missed. The RPG systems are out. So POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version and MARVEL: Survivors of The Snap and the One System, which was used on our very old first season, MACABREVERSE, the booklets that I have designed. Twenty pages-ish each. They’re out, they’re free!

If you go to sagegc.com—

Emily:          But give him money.

[Sage chuckles.]

He’s not gonna ask you for it.

Sage:            No, no, no. They’re— It’s free. It’s donations.

Emily:          But he worked very hard, and if you would like to give him money—

Sage:            $0.

Emily:          —you can give him some money.

David:           I know you got $5. I know you got $5.

Emily:          We—

Travis:          We elected Emily Treasurer and it’s been…

David:           We all know you got $5.

Jessica:          Look under your sofas and whatever you find under there, just give it to Sage.

Sage:            How ’bout this? Download it, play it, and if you have a good time and you like it, or at least just reading it was enjoyable, uh, then consider donating.

Travis:          No matter what, if you play it, you’re legally obligated to tell us that you did, so we can say, “Oh! Cool!”

Emily:          Yeah.

Sage:            Yes. Tell us all about it. Uh, we’d like to hear.

Emily:          We can go, “Nice!”

Travis:          [fast] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

David:           Nice!

Sage:            And it’s helpful feedback as well, because every episode—aside from the Green Knight, which is a pre-designed system—every other episode is going to have a brand new mini-system that I’m gonna release with each of those worlds, so yeah. We wanna get better and better and kinda make this a feature of the show.

Jessica:          So you can play with us too!

Sage:            Yeah!

Emily:          Yay!

Sage:            All the RPGs are available at sagegc.com/games

One other thing, we have transcripts now as well! The very amazing—

Jessica:          [cheers] Tiffany!

Emily:          Whoo hoo!

[Clapping.]

Sage:            —Tiffany Chapman of I Write 4 Myself, she has transcribed POKÉMON! and MARVEL. If you go to 20SidedStories.com/transcripts the full seasons are there and readable that you can download as a PDF or you can read it right there on the website.

If you know anybody who can benefit from this, please, please, please share it! It was a huge undertaking, they’re completely free ’cause we’re not monsters.

[Jessica stifles laughter. Travis snorts.]

And, uh, yeah.

Emily:          Also, even if you’ve already listened, they’re still kinda fun to read. It’s just kinda cool to see some o’ the shit we say on paper. So I would definitely recommend looking at them even if you’ve already listened.

Jessica:          And I can guarantee you that there’s gonna be some things you probably missed when listening.

Emily:          Yes. True.

Jessica:          And by “we” I mean Travis talks under his breath and says really funny things.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Travis:          [mumbles] I don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin’ about. You’re gonna go fuckin’ jump up your own ass.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Jessica:          I’m giving you a compliment!

Emily:          Master mumbler.

David:           [loud and clear] I often get into trouble for being too quiet.

[Sage snorts. Jessica laughs.]

Travis:          [sarcastic] Yeah. Yeah.

Sage:            Alright! Yeah, that’s it. We’re excited to embark on a new season. It’s gonna be a little different, but it’s gonna be so much fun.

Of course if you wanna support the show, go to patreon.com/20sidedstories to help us get this thing produced and keep us on schedule. It helps so much. We have a session zero for each episode so you can learn how we made these characters, and our take on these different episodes that are gonna be super secret until they are released!

And of course, Xander’s Meanders will continue.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Jessica:          Whether you like it or not.

Travis:          Yeah, whether—

Sage:            [amused] Whether you give a shit or not.

Travis:          —you like it or not.

[Emily and Sage chuckle.]

Emily:          You’re gonna get ’em.

[Emily and Jessica chuckle.]

Sage:            They’re there. Alright! Everything we just talked about is linked in the episode description. Otherwise, we will see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Thanks everyone!

Travis:          Bye!

Jessica:          Yay, bye!

Emily:          Bye!

David:           Bye!

[Music crescendos and fades.]

THE GREEN KNIGHT - Part 1

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

The Green Knight - Part 1

Air Date: September 23, 2020

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with A24, nor The Green Knight role-playing game, nor the movie, you hear?

Narrator:         You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.

We travel back in time to a world built of myths and folklore. One in which will be carved throughout medieval history for millennia to come. It is the era of King Arthur and his Knights of The Round Table.

But those knights will not be the ones in our minds eye. No. There’s a different kind of Knight in this adventure. The Green Knight. One of darkness and mystery. One that, when defeated, may grant riches and glory.

Cast Introduction

[20 Sided Stories music.]

Sage:            Welcome to 20 Sided Stories! My name is Sage G.C. I’m your director and gamemaster, and I am joined by my wonderful cohosts and players, Emily, Travis, Jessica, and David, who have each built characters that they will be presenting and roleplaying as.

Emily:          I’m Emily, and I will be playing [“Elowyn” accent] Lady Elowyn of Danbranin. I am on my path to strike down the Green Knight, as my family has done for centuries. My brother had set off to defeat the Green Knight himself, but instead lost his life. But it shall not be in vain! For I will avenge him, and I will rebuild my family. And I will strike down the Green Knight.

Travis:          Hi! I’m Travis, and I’m playing Stev, the bard. I struck down the Green Knight with a mandolin in a cave when I was running away from a bunch of cannibals who I thought were my friends. This just so happened to be the cave of Merlin, the wizard, and I’ve just been kinda hangin’ out there ever since.

Jessica:          Hi. I’m Jessica and I’ll be playing [“Rebecca” accent] Rebecca Blacksmith. I love Fridays. I’m a knight who secretly wants to be a bard, which is why I’m friends with Stev. Um, I’m a knight who works for Lady Elowyn’s family. They’ve hired me to be her bodyguard on the way to the Green Knight, who’s actually called me several times, but I’ve just been too lazy about it.

David:           Uh, hi. My name is David, and I’ll be playing the part [“Merlin” accent] of Merlin! The Ancient paragon—

[Stifled laughter.]

—of Arthurian mysticism.

Sage:            [amused] Just actual Merlin.

Merlin:          I’ve heard tell that the Green Knight is up to his old tricks in Camelot, and I’ve decided to take young Elowyn under my wing. And with my tutelage guide her to discover the outer—and inner—secrets that will assist her in defeating the challenges of the Green Knight!

Sage:            [chuckles] Love it! So! We’re gonna take these characters and go on a quest within the world of the Green Knight.

Jessica:          Whoo.

Emily:          Whoo!

Sage:            Based on the unreleased film from A24. It was slated to release in June 2020, but—

Travis:          A lot o’ things were slated for June 2020. June 2020 was slated for June 2020.

[Chuckling.]

Sage:            Thanks to COVID-19, we now have to roleplay our own version of the movie instead.

Travis:          We’re gonna do this with Tennant next week.

Sage:            [amused] Yeah.

[Emily chuckles.]

The Green Knight is based on a classic Arthurian legend, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, where Gawain gets this strange challenge from the Green Knight who says, “Strike me here and now!” And which Gawain does, ’cause he’s a very honorable, chivalrous man, and he wants to prove his worth.

But then, after striking him, the Green Knight’s like, “One year to the day, come seek me out in the green chapel and I’m gonna hit ya back!”

Um…[tsks] If I’m being honest, the legend itself is really confusing. When I read it I— [chuckles] It’s kinda clunky on, like, what they’re going for. So even though the Green Knight’s— The character’s game is not very well designed in that story, I think the RPG is pretty well-designed.

A24 has a custom-made RPG for this world where players have to balance Honor…

[Honor Chime.]

And Dishonor.

[Dishonor Chime.]

20 points of Dishonor and the Adventure is over for that player. Players need not fear death, but they do need to fear Dishonor.

There will be a mix of premade encounters from the booklet as well as encounters I have designed myself. And each encounter will end in a phase of judgement where we go through the list of all these moral dilemmas, and we find out truly how honorable—or dishonorable—our party is.

Emily:          Ha [stifles laughter]. Haha.

[Travis chuckles.]

Sage:            [chuckles] What’s so funny, Emily? [chuckles]

Travis:          A knowing laugh.

Emily:          Yes. Let’s find out! [chuckles]

[Travis chuckles.]

Sage:            Historically, in 20 Sided Stories history, we’ve always been [stifles laughter] honorable.

Jessica:          [innocently] We’ve never—

Sage:            [amused] We’ve never done wrong to the world around us.

Travis:          Roll the clips.

Emily:          [hesitant] Uh…

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Jessica:          Woof [stifles laughter].

Sage:            The big thing with the Green Knight is you must be there exactly one year to the day of the original encounter. That’s where we are starting. There is only one day left.

Emily:          Oh. Shit.

Jessica:          What day of the week is it?

Sage:            Um…

Emily:          Are there days of the week?

[Sage chuckles.]

Is this a Gregorian calendar? The Julian calendar?

Sage:            I’m gonna say it’s a Friday night.

Jessica:          Eeeey!

[Sage chuckles.]

Travis:          Yay.

Jessica:          Okay, great.

Travis:          Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck

David:           Party.

Jessica:          Yum, yum, yum.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Sage:            Are we all ready to dive in?

David:           [“Merlin”] Aye!

Emily:          Whoo hoo! Yeah!

Jessica:          [quiet roar] Yeah.

Travis:          Yeah, let’s do it. Yeah.

Emily:          Green Knight!

Travis:          Yeah, what have we got to lose? Come on.

Narrator:         A test of faith and courage. A game of chivalry and honor. A legendary race against time. You are about to enter…the Twilight Space. One-Shot number 1. The Green Knight.

[Music crescendos and fades.]

THE GREEN KNIGHT - Part 1

[Ominous music builds. Tavern patrons chatter in the background and dishes clatter as they eat.]

Bartender:        [shocked] Oye! The Green Knight ’imself?

Rebecca:           Yeah.

Bartender:        You know of the legend?

Stev:             Know of it?

[Stev sets his mug on the table.]

We’re chasin’ it!

Elowyn:        Sst! [warning] Stev.

Rebecca:           [bragging] We’re living it.

Stev:             We’re gonna take him, and we’re gonna bend them over and- and kick his green, lily-ass all the way back to yarkbergarg or wherever he comes from.

Elowyn:        Stev!

Stev:             [curious] What?

Bartender:        [taunting] You? You, a scrawny li’le bard?

Stev:             Hey!

[Stev clunks his mug down.]

[swallows] I may be a scrawny little bard, but I hit him so much with this mandolin, that he said, “Okay, that’s enough” and told me to come back a year later so he can have some more!

Rebecca:           Hey, Stev?

Stev:             [curious] What?

Rebecca:           Think you’re giving off some, uh, BSE, which is, uh…

Stev:             Huh?

Rebecca:           No. I can’t spell. You- you’re showing off the small—

Stev:             Nobody can spell. It’s Arthurian times.

[Sage chuckles.]

Rebecca:           Don’t- don’t—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Don’t tell. Just show.

Elowyn:        But the point I was going to make is that, perhaps, we shouldn’t share all of the details of our quest with every random stranger who asks us about the Green Knight.

Sage:            Somebody next to you leans over.

Drunk:            Quest? Did you say quest?

Stev:             [loud] Of course we’re on a quest!

Drunk:            Are you a bunch of heroes on a quest?

[Sage stifle laughter.]

Stev:             [loud] Exactly! We’re going to face the Green Knight!

[Music crescendos.]

Elowyn:        Uck. Merlin’s beard.

Merlin:          What? What about my beard?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Stev:             I’m sorry. I’m a bard and I’m 5’2”, and I’ve had four meads. The—

[Sage chuckles.]

The math is not in all of your favor. I was born to do this!

Merlin:          Stev, listen to me. This filthy, toothless, bumbling bartender is absolutely right to be skeptical.

Bartender:        Oye.

Merlin:          The Green Knight is no laughing matter. It’s going to take the energy of a powerful sorcerer, like myself, Merlin! Alongside all your other help in order to qualm him once and for all.

Bartender:        Oye! Merlin? Like, the Merlin?!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Rebecca:           [bragging] Yeah.

Merlin:          Yes, that’s right.

Elowyn:        Oof.

Merlin:          The Merlin!

Bartender:        From Camelot?!

Stev:             That’s what I said!

Merlin:          The legendary paragon of Arthurian mysticism!

[Elowyn groans.]

Bartender:        Hailing all the way from the southeast of the country?

Merlin:          Yes.

Bartender:        Miles and miles! It musta taken you a whole year to get here!

Merlin:          It’s taken me almost no time, as a wizard who’s over six-hundred years old.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

It’s a negligible period.

Bartender:        SIX HUNDRED?!

Rebecca:           It’s really not tasteful to be asking for autographs and giving some kind of star treatment just because he’s Merlin.

Sage:            A whole crowd swarms in on... [chuckles]

[Shoes scuff as a crowd gathers around.]

Rebecca:           Oh, god.

Elowyn:        [exasperated] Merlin.

Merlin:          I have got toenails older than half of you!

Elowyn:        Merli— D-disperse the crowd, huh?

Sage:            [chuckles] The excitement starts building!

Elowyn:        Uck.

Sage:            Everybody is—

Stev:             [leading a chant] Merlin! Merlin! Merlin!

[The crowd joins the chant, cheering and clapping.]

Yeah! Hey, this is great!

Sage:            And then Stev steps up on the bar with his mandolin.

Stev:             Alright everybody!

[Mandolin strums.]

This one’s— I wrote last week when we were off in some lake with some ghost lady.

[David snorts.]

It goes a little something like this!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Stev begins singing and plays his mandolin.]

There once was a ghost lady

Her name was Beth!

She needed a favor

So her soul could rest.

We found her old head at the bottom of a lake

There was a neat ring

Which nobody did take.

[Mandolin pauses]

[normal] Af…

[Mandolin resumes.]

[sings] …ter that it gets fuzzy

I really don’t know.

I mean all this happened

Like [normal] a full week ago.

[sings] Stop looking me like this song isn’t…done

[normal] I mean what am I? Records? You were all there. You know what happened! You- t…

[Mandolin stops.]

Okay. Hold on.

[He clears his throat and looks at his mandolin. A moment later he starts playing again.]

[sings] So we slayed all the bad guys

And gave to the poor!

The moral of this story

Is that we’re fuckin’ great!

[Mandolin stops abruptly.]

[Beat.]

Ole!

[Quiet, hesitant applause scattered around the room.]

Bartender:        Eh, wait. It some— kinda feels like you didn’t finish the song.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

You sure you don’t got a bridge—

Stev:             Wha—

Bartender:        —or a B part or somethin’?

Stev:             Well no… No I don’t.

[David snorts.]

[loud] But that’s okay, because Merlin’s here! Oh my god! Merlin!

Bartender:        Merlin!

[Crowd cheers. Merlin chuckles at Stev. Music thrums and fades.]

[Birds chirp.]

Sage:            We all wake up.

[Rooster crows.]

Groggy and- and achy.

[Everyone groans.]

Stev:             I feel great!

[Sage chuckles.]

Elowyn:        This place smells rank.

[Merlin burps and grunts.]

Stev:             Uck! That was a great time!

Rebecca:           We got down, alright.

Stev:             Whoo!

Sage:            Stev checks the clock. And by clock I mean the sun [chuckles].

[David snorts. Travis stifles laughter.]

Stev:             [pained] Ooo! [quiet] I gotta stop lookin’ into this thing.

Elowyn:        What hour is it?

Stev:             Holy shit!

[Turkey gobbles.]

Everybody, we gotta go! It’s…it’s there o’ clock!

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

Sage:            The party grabs their things.

[Items clatter as everyone scoops up their gear.]

Rebecca:           Oh [coughs].

Stev:             Ah!

[Merlin grunts.]

Has anybody- has anybody seen my mandolin?

Rebecca:           Uh—

Stev:             Ah, fuck. I left it downstairs at the bar. Alright, hold on!

Elowyn:        You better hope it’s still there.

Stev:             Has di—

Elowyn:        It’s your only line of defense.

[Jessica snorts.]

Stev:             I’m gonna pretend that wasn’t a joke.

Elowyn:        It wasn’t.

Rebecca:           Do hurry.

[Stev runs out of the room and tromps down the stairs.]

Sage:            The bartender sees you come down the stairs.

Bartender:        Oye!

Stev:             Yeah?

Bartender:        This yours?

[The Bartender reaches down and pulls Stev’s mandolin out from under the bar.]

Stev:             Oh thank god! Yeah!

Bartender:        You left it here.

[Stev takes it quickly.]

Stev:             I know. I was…I was drunk. But thank you for keeping it safe. I appreciate that.

Bartender:        Of course! Your songs were great, they just kinda felt like they weren’t done.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Stev:             Y-yeah, I know. I- I know. I know. I agree. Um…it’s just that I only know three chords on the mandolin and—

Bartender:        Right, right.

Stev:             I sure would like a fourth one. I feel like that would really kinda round out my sound. Unfortunately for me, nobody I find here, or anywhere, seems to know a forth mandolin chord.

Bartender:        Mmm.

Stev:             And you know, it’s kinda hard enough being a- a traveling bard, without every innkeeper, shopkeeper—

[The Bartender stammers.]

—uh, well wisher, and well keeper—you know the people that keep wells?

Bartender:        Mm.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Stev:             Uh, questioning what it is I do with my life. So [tsks] consider that next time you go asking somebody about their craft.

Bartender:        Uh—

Stev:             You know?

Bartender:        Yeah. Sure. I’m- I’m chill.

Stev:             Anyways…

[He taps his mandolin.]

See ya later.

[Sage chuckles.]

[Stev opens the tavern door and heads out.]

[Suspenseful music.]

Sage:            The party reconvenes outside of the tavern and sets off on their way.

[Stat test chime.]

Can everybody roll me Authority to lock in the order of initiative for this encounter.

[Dice roll on table.]

[A pigeon coos.]

Travis:          15.

Emily:          22.

Jessica:          20.

David:           18.

Jessica:          Wow. We’re high rollers today.

Sage:            [amused] Wow.

Travis:          Beast.

Sage:            Yeah, what a fuckin’ start. We leave the village of Habitinarium, but several miles from the green chapel, and continue towards it, entering a thick, dark woodland.

[Various birds cry out.]

Elowyn:        [sarcastic] Oh good. Another forest.

Merlin:          Yes, hello there. There are many dark secrets in the forest. You must be watchful!

Elowyn:        [unimpressed] Yes, yes.

Stev:             You know, it’s pretty cool to have Merlin as, like, you know, like another dad or something.

Merlin:          [irked] I’m not your dad! Stop saying I’m your dad!

Stev:             I—

Elowyn:        Yes.

Stev:             Mean, not my—

Merlin:          No! You keep mentioning dad. I’m not your dad!

Rebecca:           [contemplative] You’re more like a grandpa, actually.

Merlin:          I am not related to any of you!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        No. He’s more like a wizard that forced himself onto this adventure, and now he’s here.

Rebecca:           You hit the nail in the head.

Merlin:          I’ll be hitting you in the head if you keep up with that backsass.

[Sage chuckles.]

Rebecca:           I’d like to see you try! You can’t even reach the top of my head. I tower over you.

Elowyn:        [soothing] Alright, alright.

Sage:            Everybody’s arguing. I’m gonna say that’s +1 Dishonor.

[Dishonor chime.]

Merlin:          Dammit!

Sage:            For everybody except for Stev [chuckles].

Travis:          [celebrating] Hey!

[Sage chuckles.]

Sage:            And then! All of a sudden! An orange blur just—

[Something whooshes past.]

Right across the path.

Stev:             [startled] Tiger!

Merlin:          [sarcastic] You think?

Sage:            [chuckles] And then a man follows it.

[A Man runs onto the trail and scuffs to a stop in front of the party.]

Elowyn:        Um…

Man:                Ugh. Darn it.

Rebecca:           Did you lose your dog?

Elowyn:        What was that?

Man:                My dog? [chuckles] No, it’s a fox. I’ve been chasin’ this thing for so long.

Stev:             Why?

Elowyn:        Uh, why?

[Emily and Jessica stifle laughter.]

Man:                What?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Stev:             Yeah, why?

Rebecca:           [slow] Why?

Elowyn:        For meat? For- for fur? For…

Merlin:          Wherefor?

Elowyn:        Fun?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Let’s have Rebecca Blacksmith roll me Persuasion.

[Dice roll on table.]

And this is an Honorable action, I would say.

Jessica:          9.

Sage:            And that’s under?

Jessica:          Yeah.

Sage:            Nice.

[Honor chime.]

Rebecca:           Um…

[She croaks quietly in confusion.]

Wha- okay. So you’re chasing a… I’m sorry. What? Why?

[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]

I’m very persuasive.

[Sage and Emily chuckle.]

Man:                Alright. [quiet] Alright, alright, look. [whispers] I’ve been chasin’ this thing forever. It’s not a normal animal. I-it’s a magic fox, you understand?

[He takes a deep breath and sighs.]

Rebecca:           Well—

Man:                [whispers] You prob’ly think I’m crazy or somethin’.

Elowyn:        Oh.

Man:                I- I swear! I swear!

Stev:             Oh, no, no. We got Merlin.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        Yea—

Stev:             We’re right with you.

Man:                [gasps] The Merlin?

Rebecca:           Uck.

Elowyn:        Yeah!

Merlin:          Yes.

Rebecca:           [loud] Stop mentioning that he’s actually Merlin!

Elowyn:        Not t-t- not the time.

Man:                Wow! Could you—

Elowyn:        Not the time.

Man:                Could you- could you sign my- my—

[Clothes and items rustle as the Man pulls out his crossbow.]

My crossbow?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        Once you tell us what is going on, then perhaps we could entertain that idea. Continue with your magic fox.

Man:                [quiet] They say this fox can talk. ’Kay?

Stev:             Talking fox?

Man:                [excited] But i- but it can see other worlds and the future. The past. I know it can. They told me! And I’m gonna catch it.

Stev:             Fox that talks.

Man:                Because if you catch it, and then you kill it…

[Rebecca gasps.]

You get its powers.

Rebecca:           Oh, that’s fucked up.

Man:                So I’m gonna get the damn thing…before you do!

[He shifts forward and stares at them.]

Sage:            This man, he takes, like, a pose. Like he’s about to— Like we’re in a quick draw, and someone’s gonna sprint first towards the fox. [amused] But everybody’s just passively standing there [chuckles].

Jessica:          I’m staring him down like a tower.

Rebecca:           [nonchalant] Hey.

Sage:            Ooo, trying to intimidate him, Rebecca?

Emily:          Yeah, can I- can I back her up with that? Since we’re both tall ladies with swords?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Absolutely.

[Dice roll on table.]

Jessica:          15.

Emily:          I got 13, so that’s all good.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Great. The knight and the lady stare this man down. That’s all they need, and he doesn’t move, even though he’s ready to.

[Rebecca burps.]

Meanwhile…

Stev:             Hey, Merlin, is this guy full o’ shit or is there really a- a talking fox?

Merlin:          Uh, well, I’ll have to analyze that orange glow with my infinite powers of magnificent mysticism!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Uh, this is um, uh, yeah it’s Honorable. You’re seeking truth. You’re not trying to do anything harmful.

[Dice roll on table.]

Merlin:          Darn! An 8.

[Dishonor chime.]

Sage:            Barely seeking into the future while they stare at this man, Merlin can see the true effects of this fox and feel its mystic presence from here. It’s not too far. If this fox were to be killed, it grants the killer a eldritch vision that allows people to slightly see into the future.

It’s almost as if the fox’s soul becomes one with its murderer. But! Also, he sees that this fox is not meaning any harm.

Jessica:          [obviously] Yeah.

Sage:            And can, in fact, speak. It’s very intelligent. But that’s all he gets.

Merlin:          I’m afraid we cannot let any harm befall that poor animal.

Rebecca:           Agreed.

Elowyn:        Merlin, Stev. You go find the fox while, um, Rebec and I detain this good sir.

Merlin:          Very well.

Stev:             Alright! B team!

[The two high-five.]

Rebecca:           But do be quick. The green chapel awaits.

[Music thrums and fades.]

AD BREAK

[Radio clicks on.]

Kristin Couture:    We’ll be right back after these messages.

[Radio crackles off.]

[Mystical music.]

Merlin:         Well that’s all very exciting. I hope everything turns out okay. By the way, it’s me! Merlin! The incredible genius of ancient Arthurian magic! Here to tell you about a strain of sorcery that’s more powerful than anything I practice.

And that’s the power of crowdfunding. So visit www.patreon.com/20SidedStories and become a top contributor today. Much like our good friends, to whom I’d like to extend a warm, wizardly thank you.

To Noah Reno.

And K. Max.

And Betty Stark

And, of course, Brian Baldwin

And who could forget Nate Buck?

For as little as $3 a month, you can become a contributor and gain access to extra special, exclusive episodes from your favorite podcast, 20 Sided Stories. So what are you waiting for?

www.patreon.com/20SidedStories

And stay tuned for more magic!

[Music crescendos and fades.]

[Adventure music.]

Sage:            Also wanna give a quick shoutout to Mars’ Best Brisket, an audio comedy charity event campaign to raise $1,000 for the Lovin’ Spoonfuls, a food rescue in Boston, Massechuests.

Lovin’ Spoonfuls are a group that rescues food waste from restaurants and grocery stores and gets that food to people facing food insecurity. About 70% of the population of Massechusets was considered food insecure at the end of June 2020. That’s up from around 9% pre-pandemic.

Just $1 rescues three pounds of food. Enough to feed a person for a whole day. Pretty cool.

And some other cool tidbits. All of the 20 Sided Stories crew contributed to Mars’ Best Brisket in some way. We all had little cameo rolls in the show, and Travis wrote the main theme song as well. So you should definitely check it out if you like what we’re doin’.

And, obviously, they’re shootin’ for a great cause, and they already hit their goal in, like, a day. And now they have stretch goals, so let’s help them smash those stretch goals, shall we?

Head on over to marsbestbrisket.com check out the show and check out the charity, make a contribution, and let’s get some people fed.

[Music builds and cuts off when the radio clicks off.]

The Green Knight - Part 1.5

[Crows cry out. Songbirds chirp. Suspenseful music.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Go ahead and roll for Brawn. Both Rebecca and Elowyn.

Emily:          Is it Honorable?

Sage:            This is a Dishonorable action.

Jessica:          Oh.

[Dice roll on table.]

Emily:          Yeah, 16. I got over.

Jessica:          Oh, shit.

Sage:            But Rebecca Blacksmith did not.

Jessica:          And I got 8.

[Dishonor chime.]

[Jessica and Emily stifle laughter. Sage clicks his tongue.]

Emily:          [amused] Oh no.

Sage:            As Merlin and Stev cross into the thick of the woods, Rebecca and Elowyn grab this man.

[Clothes rustle as they grab his arms.]

And then he hits Rebecca Blacksmith in the face!

[Pow!]

Rebecca:           Ah!

Elowyn:        You’ll regret that.

[She cocks her arm back and punches him hard in the jaw. He stumbles back with a grunt.]

Man:                Okay. Oh, Jesus. Ow. Ooo, you’re strong.

Elowyn:        I’ll draw my sword, if necessary.

Man:                Alright, alright, I’ll just stop. I’ll…hang out here.

[He shuffles his feet.]

Elowyn:        Sit!

[He clears his throat.]

Rebecca:           Stay!

Man:                Hey!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Rebecca:           Good boy.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Man:                [Sage stifles laughter] Little dishonorable for you- of you to dehumanize me like that.

[Emily stifles laughter. Travis chuckles.]

Rebecca:           You just slapped me in the face.

Man:                Nah, that’s true. I- I deserved that.

[Misadventure music plays as Merlin and Stev trudge through the forest.]

Merlin:          Keep a sharp eye, boy. There’s more than meets the eye on this particular fox.

Stev:             You’ve got it, magic man.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Sage:            And they see the fox.

Stev:             Mmm…

Merlin:          There! Fox has met my eye! Look!

[Magical chime.]

Stev:             Oh! Oh my god, look at that.

Sage:            [amused] It’s pissing on a tree.

[Urine splashes.]

Merlin:          Get it while it’s distracted, boy. We must keep it safe. The very fate of our mission might lay in the balance.

Stev:             [hesitant] Should I just… d-do I just go grab it?

Merlin:          [frantic] He’s peeing! You don’t have any time!

Stev:             [frantic] Oh! Okay! I’m gonna go! I’m, eh—

[Stev pants and he sprints toward the fox.]

Hey! Okay. Hey, fox? Fox? Fox, can you—

Merlin:          [frantic] Don’t, eh—

Stev:             Can you understand me?

Merlin:          [frantic] What’re you doing?! Just grab ’im!

Stev:             Can you understand me?

Merlin:          [frantic] Grab ’im, grab ’im, grab ’im, grab ’im, grab ’im, grab ’im!

Stev:             Do you talk- talk to…hello?

Sage:            The fox turns and is very startled.

[The fox yelps quietly.]

But stands still.

Travis:          Is it still peeing?

[Emily and Sage chuckle.]

Sage:            It’s done.

Travis:          Oh.

Stev:             Sorry. I don’t mean to interrupt anyone who’re in the middle of their business, but look we- myself and my old, old, old friend here. We don’t mean you any harm. We’re just tryin’a put some distance between you and that weird guy that’s tryin’ to chase you.

And he said you can talk, and I don’t know if that’s true or not—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—but I know you’re magic, so probably. So I’m just gonna keep…carrying on with this until you either walk away or respond I guess.… I’m Stev.

[Jessica snorts.]

[Mystical music.]

Fox:         I am something larger than you or me.

Stev:             Oh my god!

Fox:         The forest, the trees.

Stev:             The fox talks! It’s a talking fox!

Merlin:          [distant] I told you!

Fox:         The earth. Sprawling vines, and weeds.

Stev:             Huh? Oh, I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to repeat that.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

I got too caught up in the idea that you were a talking fox.

Fox:         Ah, so- I am larger than—

Merlin:          I couldn’t hear you!

Fox:         —you or me. The forest, the trees, the earth. Sprawling vines and weeds.

Stev:             Oh, those are good lyrics. That’s really good. That’s good stuff!

Sage:            [amused] Stev pulls out his notebook as fast as he can and writes it down.

Stev:             I am the tree…

[Pencil scribbles in notebook.]

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Emily:          Stev can write?

Stev:             I am…the vine… It’s more of like a hieroglyph kinda thing.

[Sage chuckles.]

Just, like, a lot o’ symbols.

[Emily stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]

Jessica:          He’s just drawing pictures.

Stev:             Coo coo ca— Alright, so what…

[Jessica chuckles.]

[Stev finishes his notes and puts his notebook away.]

Merlin:          Stev, let me have a crack at it.

[Merlin walks closer.]

My dear, magical creature. We come to you with great humility. And I want to impress upon you my authority as a grand wizard.

[Travis and Sage chuckle.]

Stev:             To do what?

Merlin:          To try to get him to come with us.

Fox:         I don’t follow.

Merlin:          As to- as our t- as our friend.

[Sage stifles laughter. Emily chuckles.]

Stev:             [Travis stifles laughter] Oh you want him as an animal companion.

Merlin:          Yes.

Stev:             Oh! So you think if he comes with us, he’ll be safe.

Merlin:          Not only safe, we’ll have a- a- a insight into what happens in the future.

Fox:         I travel alone.

Stev:             Oh.

Merlin:          So do we! It works out great!

[Travis chuckles.]

Fox:         You are a party of four. You lied to me.

[Emily chuckles.]

Travis:          Oh.

Sage:            Add 1 Dishonor.

[Dishonor chime.]

[David groans.]

Stev:             [cajoling] We could be a party of five!

[Sage chuckles.]

Well, look. We’re just a little worried about you, you know? You’re out here gettin’ chased by, uh…

Fox:         Is Adam apprehended?

Stev:             Is that, uh, is that the person over there?

Fox:         Indeed.

Merlin, Stev:          Yes.

Fox:         Then I shall be gone from this place. He has been chasing me for days. This is my chance.

Merlin:          Before you go can I ask you one question?

Fox:         If you must.

Merlin:          Will Elowyn be okay? I’m worried about her.

[Beat.]

Fox:         Only time will tell.

[Merlin groans in annoyance.]

Stev:             Okay. Can I ask you a question?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Fox:         [annoyed] Sure.

[Travis chuckles.]

Merlin:          Can I ask you another question after him?

[Chuckling.]

Stev:             Do you—

Fox:         I guess. Uh, though, I thought the point was that I was gonna get away, but yeah, go for it.

Stev:             Okay, so… Look, I- look I’m a- I’m a bard, and I- and I play the mandolin. But I only kn— I’ve got G, C, and D, and I- but I don’t have anything for flavor, you know? And you’re already a better lyricist than I am, so I must imagine you’re a better musician. So d’you know any other chords that could help me round out my songs?

You’re lookin’ at me like you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about. You know what?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Stev, roll Persuasion. This is an Honorable action. You’re seeking a moment of truth. You’re not tryin’a take advantage of this fox. Maybe it knows that forth, wonderful chord.

Travis:          16.

Sage:            Nat. 20 at 16, but still not low enough.

[Dishonor chime.]

Travis:          Ah, this game sucks.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Fox:         I have a feeling you will find what you seek if you remain honorable, but this chord is not mine to give.

Stev:             So you don’t play the mandolin?

Merlin:          …He doesn’t have any thumbs.

Fox:         I’m a—

[Travis chuckles.]

—a fox. I don’t- I don’t have— Yeah. I can- I can’t play music. What d’you want—

Stev:             Well, I’m just checking! You can talk.

[Emily giggles. Jessica stifles laughter.]

It’s just…

Fox:         I’m going to be gone from this place.

Stev:             [put out] Yeah, alright.

Fox:         Thank you for saving me.

Stev:             Oh, you’re welcome.

Fox:         You meant to do that, right?

Stev:             Oh, nah, absolutely.

Fox:         Okay.

Stev:             Yeah [chuckles].

Merlin:          Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Stev:             No sweat. Just, you know, yeah.

[Mystical music fades.]

Adam:        Yeah, sure he says he pulled that sword, but I didn’t see it! And, you know, Camelot—

[Rebecca sighs wearily.]

—they’re like, the- eh, they- they—

Elowyn:        If you don’t shut your mouth, I will shut it—

Adam:        Taxation is theft! Is all I’m sayin’.

Elowyn:        —[slow] with the hilt of my sword.

[She smacks the hilt against her palm as she glares at him.]

Adam:        I- what does Arthur really know? What does he really know?!

Emily:          Can I—

Adam:        What does Arthur really know? He’s got nothin’

Emily:          Can I kick ’im in the mouth? [chuckles]

[Sage chuckles.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            A Dishonorable action.

Emily:          [amused] Yup [chuckles].

Sage:            Roll for Brawn.

[Dice roll on table.]

Emily:          No.

[Dishonor chime.]

[Suspenseful music.]

No, no, no, nah.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Nah. [stifles laughter]

Sage:            Lady Noble Elowyn goes to lift her leg and then…that is a moment of weakness that Adam sees and takes advantage of! He breaks from her grasp!

[Scuffle.]

And he goes to run into the woods.

[Adam sprints away.]

Rebecca:           Um…

Elowyn:        Rebecca!

Rebecca:           I’m gonna go grab ’im!

Sage:            Right as Merlin and Stev enter back onto the main path.

Elowyn:        [distant] Get him!

Adam:        Uh. What?

Elowyn:        [distant] Don’t let him leave!

Adam:        What does, uh— Uh, look, look. I just- [tearful] I just- I just- I just needed to feed my family, man!

Stev:             We’ve been here the whole time, waiting for a move like this!

Merlin:          Yes, wizard and bard should put you in your place, you vile fiend!

Adam:        Look, look, loo- uh, fine, fine. Y- ah- you guys are clearly p-provin’ your worth. I’m just- I’m just- I’m out of here. [tearful] Okay? I- I- I’m gonna go. I just wanted to feed my kids.

[Elowyn jogs up to them.]

Elowyn:        [scolding] Stop terrorizing magical creatures. Nothing good will come of it.

Rebecca:           [threatening] We will find you.

Adam:        Not terrorizing. It’s- it’s the tree of- it’s the- the- the- [stammers] it’s the—

Rebecca:           [loud] You don’t even know what you’re talking about!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        It’s the Ouroboros of Life, alright? Now go!

Adam:        [quiet] Stronger and smarter than me, dammit.

Stev:             Go put it on whatever this time period’s equivalent of a Facebook group is—

[Sage snorts.]

—you piece of shit.

Sage:            And he stomps off in the direction from whence he came. Away from the fox.

[Music crescendos and fades.]

The end, encounter one.

Travis:          Hooray!

[Suspenseful music.]

Sage:            And now it is time for judgement.

Travis:          Oh no!

Sage:            You left Adam alone and tired. +1 Dishonor.

[Dishonor chime.]

Travis:          Ah, fuck.

Sage:            You left Adam hungry and without food. +1 Dishonor.

[Dishonor chime.]

Jessica:          Oh.

Travis:          Oh, no.

Sage:            Adam is still angry about the fox. [amused] Absolutely +1.

[Dishonor chime.]

Travis:          [quiet] Don’t like this.

Sage:            You did not ask the fox for a reward. Good job. The fox was not turned over to Adam, good job. You did not rob him, good job! You did not try to restrain or bind the fox, even with good intent. You just spoke to it, true and pure. You did not try to kill the fox, you did not try to convince it to sacrifice itself. Nothing of foul intent. Therefore 3 points in total that you add to your Dishonor.

[Jessica burps.]

Honorable things. You agreed to help the fox and let it outta the woods, kinda. -3 Dishonor.

[Honor chime.]

You did not convince Adam of your- your deed, though, however. So, uh, no benefit there. And you also didn’t help Adam get some food when he shouted that he was just tryin’a feed his family.

Rebecca:           There was no time!

Sage:            Came and went. So no benefit there but no negative either. So Overall, a net positive! You lost 3 and you gained 3.

The adventure will continue.

[Forest birds cry out as the group continue through the forest.]

Merlin:          We’re running out of time! You idiots too slowly for adventuring.

Rebecca:           [defensive] I have a 5’2” man on my back at all times.

Merlin:          Stef, get off of her back and do your own walking.

Stev:             What? If I— One of your steps is like four of mine!

Merlin:          Then you better giddyup, haven’t you?

Stev:             [sighs] Alright, fine! I’m…

[He grunts as he slides off Rebecca’s back and lands on the grass.]

You have to tell me if something’s coming. I can’t see over tree lines.

[Rebecca sighs.]

Merlin:          Can somebody get ’im some stilts?

[Sage chuckles.]

Stev:             Make me some! Wizard!

Merlin:          I can’t hear you down there.

[Emily chuckles.]

Stev:             [loud] It’s not my fault you’re in a different weather pressure system, you tall, old fuck!

Jessica:          [amused] How tall is Merlin?

David:           [taunting] Pretty fuckin’ tall. Taller than him.

[Chuckling.]

Rebecca:           I’m taller than you.

Stev:             [loud] Everyone’s taller than me! That’s the problem!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Sage:            The woods become darker, foggier, mistier.

[Rebecca lets out a small, worried groan as she looks around.]

There’s an overcast. A lot of dead branches.

[Suspenseful music builds.]

And you reach a misty, bleak pond. And you hear something scurrying about.

[Stev grunts quietly as he scoots away from the noise.]

Elowyn:        Shh. Do you hear that?

Sage:            Another delay. +1 Dishonor to the whole party.

[Jessica gasps.]

And now we roll Authority to get the initiative order for this encounter.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

Travis:          3.

Jessica:          11!

Emily:          17.

David:           14.

Sage:            Okay, great. We hear a little squirm. A little rustle of some kind throughout the marsh, kinda moving some branches in the water or whatever.

Elowyn, what would you like to do?

Elowyn:        If there’s somebody there, show yourself!

[Crickets chirp and frogs croak.]

Sage:            Nothing.

Elowyn:        Alight, well. See if this gets its attention.

[She bends down to scoop up a rock and chucks it towards the noise.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Brawn. How far did you throw that rock?

[Dice roll on table.]

Emily:          Nat. Fail. [chuckles]

[Sage clicks his tongue.]

Sage:            The rock doesn’t go very far.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

And then it rolls down a slight incline and [amused] lands on Merlin’s foot.

Merlin:          Hey!

Stev:             What the hell was that?

Elowyn:        Well you do something then.

Merlin:          Very well. We will see if this shivering thing’s hiding behind in the murk. If they can appreciate the intimidating prowess of a legendary sorcerer!

[Rebecca burps.]

Elowyn:        Alright…

Merlin:          And I flail my staff around!

[Staff whirls through the air.]

[Sage snorts.]

In an intimidating gesture!

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Sage:            If you’re rolling for Intimidation, that’s gonna be Dishonorable.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

David:           4.

Sage:            [tsks] It’s not over.

[Dishonor chime.]

David:           [quiet] Damn.

Sage:            Merlin’s not very scary.

[Merlin growls in frustration.]

[Stat test chime.]

Let’s have Rebecca roll for Folklore. See if she knows anything about—

Jessica:          Great album.

[Sage chuckles.]

Sage:            Go ahead and roll. No bonuses to this, but it is Honorable.

[Dice roll on table.]

Jessica:          Ah! It’s under. 8.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Great! Rebecca hears the sound and listens carefully.

[Rebecca sighs.]

There’s kind of a squirminess to it. Moving in a wave in the bushes throughout the water.

Rebecca:           Oh. Okay, well I thought it could have been like a little woodland creature, but it sounds like it’s going through leaves and the water, which makes it sound like we are dealing with a serpent.

Elowyn:        How…large?

Sage:            And then…

[Suspenseful music thrums.]

Something emerges.

[Water splashes as something rises from the marsh.]

It’s bright, it’s beautiful, and Merlin can’t move.

[Merlin groans as he stares at the bright, chiming light.]

Rebecca:           What?

Elowyn:        What is it?

Sage:            Shining right at him. Rebecca sees!

Rebecca:           [gasps] Is that…

Sage:            She’s heard of legends of this serpent creature with beautiful skin that stuns anyone that may look upon its beauty. Legends call it…

[Rebecca gasps.]

A Scitalis.

[Snake hisses.]

Rebecca:           Oh my lord! It’s- it’s real! It’s real! It’s a Scitalis!

Stev:             What?

Elowyn:        Oh.

Rebecca:           It’s this magical, giant snake that’s beautiful. It’s almost blinding. And it’s going to attack Merlin!

[Merlin groans as he fails to escape his stun.]

Elowyn:        Merlin! Merlin! Uh, l-look away!

Rebecca:           We have to do something!

[Merlin groans again.]

Sage:            Stev’s turn is up. Stev, what would you like to do?

Travis:          I’m gonna play a song so fuckin’ rockin’—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—Merlin breaks out of his trance from the snake and runs away!

[Merlin groans louder.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Stev, roll me Performance.

Travis:          Oh boy.

[Dice roll on table.]

8. So yes.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Great! Stev pulls out his mandolin as fast as he can!

Stev:             Here we go everybody!

[Suspenseful music fades.]

One! A two! A one, two, three, four!

[He strums his mandolin.]

[sings] Wake the fuck up, Merlin!

Wake the fuck up, Merlin!

It’s just a snake!

It’s just a snake!

Stopping for a snake!

It’s Merlin

The wizard.

He’s really

Fuckin’ awesome.

He’s way cooler than this snake

Even though it’s really fuckin’ pretty!

[Merlin groans as he tries to break from the stun.]

Merlin’s gonna wake up

And Merlin’s gonna do shit.

And we’re gonna get away

And find the Green Knight

So let’s go now.

Wake up!

[Mandolin strums to an end.]

Sage:            And somehow, this song, because of Merlin’s very questionable music tastes—

[Travis chuckles.]

—is more beautiful than the scales [amused] of this serpent. And Merlin turns around and snaps out of it.

[Magical chime fades. Merlin grunts and rips his gaze away from the snake.]

Elowyn:        Oh, good god.

Sage:            A moment of freedom.

Rebecca:           Everyone—

Stev:             [loud] Let’s go!

Rebecca:           —divert your eyes.

[Suspenseful music builds.]

Sage:            But then the serpent notices and swims back into the water.

[Water splashes.]

It’s swimming around.

Rebecca:           [quiet] Shhhit. [normal] It’s gonna strike at any moment.

Stev:             Well then what d’we do?

Elowyn:        Don’t look at it.

Merlin:          It’s exactly as I feared. This whole pond is infested with a Scitalis. It’s the most dreaded of the reptilian enemies of old. There’s so much lore behind it, but what we must learn from it is that we must avert our eyes!

Rebecca:           [irked] I’ve already said that!

Merlin:          Yes, well that’s pretty much it.

[Travis chuckles.]

If you would find a way to fight it without looking at it, then we’re golden.

Elowyn:        Could we—

Merlin:          But you—

Elowyn:        Could we view it through a reflection without it having this effect?

Merlin:          Absolutely. So…we’re gonna need a series of mirrors.

[Travis chuckles. Sage stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        Alright well, Rebecca, how polished is your sword?

Rebecca:           Um…

[Blade rings out of its sheath.]

Sage:            Rebecca pulls out her sword, per the request. It’s kind of dull. As the daughter of the blacksmith, she has the finest weaponry, but you four have been traveling for several months without much pause for upgrades or sharpening.

It doesn’t seem like it’s going to work. However! You guys are great mind readers. Elowyn looks across the pond and sees clearly bloodied, clearly the result of a fallen soldier who was prey to this serpent. There lies a very shiny and very mystical sword.

Elowyn:        Over there, look. Across. Look at that sword. It…

Merlin:          Is that a sword or the sun, it’s so bright. Oh my god.

Elowyn:        I don’t know, but it seems potentially useful.

Merlin:          We’re gonna need that! We’re gonna need the reflections of—

Sage:            A quick splash in the water.

[Rebecca and Merlin gasp.]

Rebecca:           Oh my god!

Stev:             Yes.

Merlin:          I can’t go under again!

Sage:            You must go quick, Elowyn!

Emily:          Okay, I’m gonna- I’m gonna dash for that sword.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Ooo, dashing is going to, once again, come from Brawn.

[Dice roll on table.]

Emily:          Ah, hell yeah. That’s a 7.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Nice. Elowyn, in the heat of the moment, goes right around the pond. Doesn’t wade into the water, ’cause duh! That would slow her down. And she goes up to the body and she gets a better look at his sword.

It is a gorgeous weapon. Razor-sharp. Clearly enhanced in some way with this pale, indigo aura. The weight of it is perfect in Lady Elowyn’s hand. Almost as if it was meant to be.

Elowyn:        This is some of the most beautiful, exquisite sword I’ve- I’ve ever seen. With a blade like this, how could men not fell a creature like this?

Perhaps he…hesitated? He…couldn’t kill the beast. Well, I promise to put you to good use, my friend.

[Leather creaks as she stands up. The sword scrapes as she picks it up. Water ripples.]

Sage:            Suddenly from the water! The serpent, the Scitalis, has revealed itself!

Rebecca:           Oh no!

Merlin:          Don’t look at it, whatever you do!

Elowyn:        [pained] My eyes!

[Music crescendos and cuts off.]

Credits

[The Twilight Space music throughout.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.

Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela

Original music score by Sage G.C.

And very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon Supporters of past, present, and future

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories

Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com

Narrator:         The legend has begun, but its carvings are incomplete. Will our adventurers reach the green chapel in time? Or will Dishonor overcome them?

Find out next week in the Green Knight - Part 2 when you return to THE TWILIGHT SPACE.

[Episode End music crescendos and fades out. Radio clicks off.]

THE GREEN KNIGHT - Part 2

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

The Green Knight (Part 2)

Air Date: September 30, 2020

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with A24. It was the same in Part 1 and it’s the same in Part 2, ya hear?

[Intro crescendos.]

Recap

[Intro music continues.]

Narrator:         You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.

Previously our heroes had one day left to find the green chapel and see through their end of the Green Knight’s game.

After a rowdy night in the tavern, they made their way through the woods, meeting a mystical fox, a mystical serpent, and now hold a mystical sword.

Will Stev the bard, Rebecca the knight, Elowyn the noble, and Merlin the sorcerer see their adventure through to the end? Or will dishonor overcome them?

You are about to enter THE TWILIGHT SPACE: The Green Knight (Part 2).

[Music cuts off with a shriek.]

The Green Knight - Part 2

[Sound warbles and fades in, a gentle chime underneath. Various marsh creatures cry out.]

Elowyn:        I promise to put you to good use, my friend.

[Water ripples. The sword scrapes against the ground as Elowyn picks it up.]

Sage:            Suddenly from the water!

[The scitalis shoots up, hissing.]

The serpent, the scitalis, has revealed itself and flashes right at her as she picks up this sword!

Rebecca:           Oh no!

Merlin:          Don’t look at it, whatever you do!

Elowyn:        [pained] My eyes!

Rebecca:           [frantic] Make it look at itself! Make it look at itself! Make it look at itself!

Stev:             Close your eyes and spin around, holding the sword out like a propeller!

Sage:            Merlin, what’re you gonna do?

Merlin:          With my far-reaching tendrils of mysticism, I will attempt to invade Elowyn’s defenseless mind.

[Travis snorts.]

And attempt to do something of a jumpstart!

Sage:            [amused] The way you worded that means it’s a dishonorable action [chuckles].

Merlin:          Very well.

[Emily chuckles.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [amused] So you wanna roll over.

Merlin:          10.

Sage:            Unfortunately…

[Dishonor chime.]

Merlin’s mysticism, while very good, is not strong enough to break through the spell of which this scitalis has manipulated Elowyn. She’s still frozen in her tracks. Sword in hand, but unable to use it.

Rebecca:           I will Perform! I will get it’s attention.

[Travis snickers.]

Sage:            [amused] You’re gonna roll Performance?

Jessica:          [amused] Yes.

[Emily chuckles.]

Rebecca:           I’m going to practice my act to distract.

Stev:             Yeah, eh, nah. I get- I get behind that. All the world’s a stage! King Arthur said it himself.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Great. Rebecca Blacksmith…sing me a song.

[Travis snickers.]

Rebecca:           [sings] Stoooop! Snaaake!

I am juicy pool of meat.

[Clicks tongue rhythmically.]

Ready to be eat…en.

[Clicks tongue.]

Give me your attention.

[Claps.]

I am yummy, yummy, yummy

In your tummy, tummy, tummy!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[Water splashes as the scitalis turns around.]

Sage:            And the scitalis turns around!

Rebecca:           Oh, god!

Sage:            And stares at you.

[Gentile chiming as the scitalis charms Rebecca.]

Rebecca:           Ah…

Sage:            Now Rebecca is stunned, blinded by its beauty.

[Music thrums. Rebecca groans as she fails to break the stun.]

Stev:             Hey! Dumb fuckin’ snake! C’mere!

[He stoops down and snatches a rock.]

I slingshot you with this rock!

[Rocks clatter.]

He- uh- this is big. This one works. Okay, there we go! Uh…

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Ranged Combat.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Dishonor chime.]

You bonk the snake on the head and stop it in its tracks for but a moment.

Elowyn:        Oh…my god [Emily chuckles]. Now I must strike!

Sage:            Elowyn, seeing its back turned and the shiny most beautiful engravings on the other side of its body, she raises this new shiny sword she found…

[The sword scrapes against the ground as she lifts it and charges at the scitalis.]

And goes to make a strike!

[Elowyn roars as she runs.]

No hesitation. She slides down its back.

[Sword squelches into flesh.]

It's like butter.

Stev:             Eww!

[Emily chuckles.]

Sage:            This is the sharpest sword she’s ever seen! It screams in agony.

[The scitalis hisses and collapses into the marsh.]

And then sinks into the water.

Elowyn:        Oh wow.

[Rebecca gasps as she breaks out of the stun.]

Sage:            Blood fills the entire pool.

Merlin:          Hooray!

Rebecca:           Oh my god.

[Elowyn huffs.]

Stev:             Wow.

Rebecca:           That was, like, euphoric. And terrifying.

Elowyn:        Well, I’m keeping this sword.

[She sheathes it.]

Rebecca:           You’ve earned it. Great job, Elowyn.

Elowyn:        Thank you. Thank you for your help.

Rebecca:           My pleasure.

Stev:             And great job you, Rebecca, doing your cool new act that got the snake to turn around!

Elowyn:        Oh no! Did I miss it?

Rebecca:           Yes.

Elowyn:        [disappointed] Oh.

Rebecca:           You did.

Stev:             Well, in a sense. But also it’s the reason that you’re alive, so in a way, you didn’t. You- ’cause you certainly would’ve missed…it…more…had you…uh—

Elowyn:        You have such a way with words, Stev.

Stev:             Thank you.

[Jessica snickers.]

Elowyn:        We have to go. We’re losing time.

Merlin:          We’re out of time!

Stev:             What? Oh, yeah. We gotta do the…

Elowyn:        The Green Knight? Remember?

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Merlin:          We were out of time when this started.

Stev:             Alright, hey, I mean, who knew- who knew a big snake was gonna be here? But anyways…

Rebecca:           This is why I never wanted to go see the Green Knight. I’m exhausted.

Sage:            And we end the second encounter.

[Music thrums and fades.]

[Suspenseful music.]

It is time for judgement.

Dishonorable actions. You slayed this beautiful creature. +2 dishonor.

[Dishonor chime.]

[Jessica blows her lips in annoyance.]

Travis:          [disappointed] Ah. Rats.

David:           Ah.

Sage:            You were lured by the shiny sword.

Emily:          Oh.

Sage:            I know it was for pragmatic means, but it lured you. +1.

[Dishonor chime.]

And none of you deliberately used another party member as a distraction, so go ahead and ignore that.

So I think that’s, in total, +2 dishonor for everybody, +3 for Elowyn.

Emily:          Not gonna lie, you guys, it’s not good. It’s not good. Not good. We’re gonna see the Green Knight and this is bad [chuckles].

Sage:            Honorable actions. If you assisted one of your fellows, -1.

[Honor chime.]

Travis:          [pleased] Hey!

Sage:            But, none of you lured the serpent away. It is dead, so you don’t get any honor for that [chuckles].

Travis:          Snake or be snaked, am I right?

Emily:          It’s a snake eat snake world.

Sage:            20 points of dishonor and you are removed from the adventure. So...how we doin’?

Elowyn:        17 [nervous chuckle].

Merlin:          13.

Stev:             12.

Rebecca:           13.

Sage:            Alright. The closest is Elowyn. Does anybody want to use atonement to help out Elowyn before we proceed?

Merlin:          Of course! This is very important. My pupil needs to have her mystics sponged.

Sage:            Merlin, if you would like to use atonement to help Elowyn, you will need to add 3 points of dishonor while Elowyn loses just 1.

Jessica:          Woof.

David:           Yeah. Let’s do it.

Emily:          Alright!

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            So where you at now?

David:           Uh, 16.

Emily:          Oh, we’re both at 16. This is wonderful.

Sage:            You’ve evened the playing field a little bit.

Merlin:          The student has come equal to the master.

[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]

Sage:            And thus the adventure shall continue.

[Music fades.]

[Mysterious music. Birds cry out as the group walks along a path.]

Sage:            The sky opens up. It’s still overcast, but you can see that the day is coming to an end.

[Rebecca sighs wearily.]

And the forest is behind you.

Rebecca:           We must be getting close.

Sage:            It is sunset, the plains stretch out far and wide, but you can see on the other side, along the water, the green chapel.

[Elowyn stops for a moment to stare.]

Elowyn:        There it is.

Stev:             Wow.

Elowyn:        We’ve made it.

[Rebecca lets out an impressed whistle.]

Stev:             So, uh… [mumbles] Is he just kinda, like, hangin’ out in there or do we…

Rebecca:           Maybe I should go in first, you know? He’s been dying to see me.

Elowyn:        Well, I have a feeling that whatever his plan is, is probably how this is going to play out.

Rebecca:           Hmm.

Stev:             Welp! Let’s go die.

[The group moves forward again.]

Sage:            And or heroes begin to walk across these plains. The ground is dried up and blackened. And as they get closer and closer, a mist, a fog, starts to roll in.

Rebecca:           [disappointed] This is not very welcoming. Mm-mmm.

Elowyn:        [nervous] I don’t like this.

Sage:            Before you can inhale a sigh of relief from arriving on time, you feel all the fog in your lungs.

[Rebecca coughs.]

You can’t even see but an arms reach in front of you.

[Stev moans nervously. The others cough from the fog.]

Rebecca:           [quiet] Oh my god.

Elowyn:        This is…this is unnatural.

Sage:            Another delay. +1 dishonor to the whole party.

David:           Oh shit [snickers].

[The group staggers.]

Merlin:          I feel faint and weak. My normally virile and youthful-feeling muscles are beginning to waver.

[Travis chuckles.]

I must glean what insights I can from this demonic fume!

[Rebecca burps.]

With my infinite pow— [sarcastic] Oh, that’s very nice. Thank you very much.

[Sage, Jessica, and Travis stifle laughter.]

With my deep, deep mystical wizardry!

Rebecca:           This fog is causing my indigestion. I’m sorry!

Merlin:          I’m looking into it!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Honorably, Merlin, can you roll me Vigilance?

David:           I’ve rolled a 14.

Sage:            That is under.

[Honor chime.]

Merlin squints as hard as he can, and he’s barely able to peek through the fog. They’re not too far from the green chapel. They could get there very quickly. But he also sees…this boy…on his knees…holding a dagger…pointed at himself.

Merlin:          [gasps] There’s a young man over there! He’s threatening his own body with a- a- with a weapon! It’s a young man with a weapon over there!

Rebecca:           Oh my…

Stev:             Well that’s not good.

Rebecca:           Um…

Elowyn:        E-excuse me?

Merlin:          These are sorceries I have little reckoning of. But what is afoot is no doubt nefarious. We must intervene!

[Elowyn walks forward.]

Stev:             Aright, if you say so.

Elowyn:        Boy? A-are— Do you need help? Hello?

Sage:            And then…at the sound of Elowyn’s voice, a banshee scream echoes over the plains!

[A banshee screams and Rebecca moans in pain. Elowyn and Merlin groan.]

Stev:             [complaining] This is gonna give me tinnitus, then I’m never gonna be able to write songs.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

And then it’s just all gonna be for kaput!

Elowyn:        [warning] Stev!

Merlin:          You couldn’t write songs to begin with.

[Stev gasps in indignation.]

Stev:             How dare you! One of my songs saved your life!

Sage:            [amused] +1 dishonor to Merlin for insulting Stev.

[Travis chuckles.]

David:           Whatever.

Jessica:          Oh shit. Be careful, Merlin.

Sage:            Like catapulted bombs, a bunch of translucent spirits start flying through our party members!

[Spirits shriek. Rebecca moans in pain.]

Rebecca:           Oh, god, ah!

Sage:            With screams on each one!

Rebecca:           Ow.

Stev:             [complaining] Ah! This is uncomfortable.

[Elowyn moans in pain.]

Boy:           [enthralled] I must make a sacrifice. They want me. They need my life force.

Rebecca:           Who?

Stev:             Whomst?

Merlin:          Whomst, boy, whomst?

Boy:           The spirits.

Sage:            The boy, now slightly revealed from this obscured fog, turns his head slowly…to…our party. His eyes are bleeding.

Rebecca:           [quiet] Oh my god.

Sage:            He’s shivering.

Rebecca:           [worried] Okay. Uh…

Sage:            His mouth agape. His hair disheveled.

Elowyn:        [worried] Drop the dagger.

Boy:           They…want…me. And you’ll be next.

[A banshee flies past, shrieking.]

Stev:             Ahh!

Rebecca:           [pained] Oh my god.

[Merlin groans.]

Okay well, we have to s- we have to- we have to snap him out of it. He’s under a spell or something.

Elowyn:        [sighs in thought] I must’ve heard tell of this. I- I do remember something about spectres and ghosts.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Elowyn roll me folklore.

[Dice roll on table.]

Emily:          [smug] Easy. That’s an 11.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Coming from a long line of alleged Green Knight battlers, Lady Elowyn recalls a legend of spirits screaming and launching themselves like bombs. She looks to the green chapel, not too far off, and it starts to make sense.

[Banshee shrieks.]

They are tormented. They are embodying their very trauma. These are the lost souls of the Green Knight. The dishonorable ones.

[Rebecca gasps.]

Elowyn:        [quiet] Oh my…

Rebecca:           [quiet] Your brother…

Elowyn:        These are the lost souls of those who could not best the Green Knight. Those with dishonor on their name.

Stev:             Ah- hol- hol- hold on. Hold on. If- if he beats you…you die?!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Rebecca:           Uh, essentially.

Elowyn:        [irked] What did you think—

Merlin:          Yes!

Elowyn:        —“Strike you down” meant?

Stev:             I—

Merlin:          Yes, of course it does!

Stev:             I hit the guy with a mandolin! It’s not like I was gonna kill ’im! And now—

Merlin:          He’s gonna hit a mandolin with you!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Stev:             This changes everything! I’m scared outta my goddamn mind!

Sage:            These spirits feel great shame.

Stev:             [fearful] Oh god.

Sage:            Legend has it that those who have lost to the Green Knight never live it down in death. And therefore try to embody any young, honorable spirit that they can get their grasp on.

Rebecca:           Shit.

Sage:            Including this little boy, who has unluckily wandered in the plains.

Rebecca:           [quiet, worried] Oh my god.

Stev:             Ah, Jesus Christ. I don’t wanna die.

[Elowyn sighs.]

[fearful] Uh-oh.

[Banshees shriek.]

Merlin:          I know of many things about the wizarding world, and about the mythical arts.

[Rebecca burbs.]

[Sage chuckles.]

Rebecca:           [quiet] ’Scuse me.

Merlin:          I will deduce a plan to get us out of here with minimal confrontation!

[Souls shriek.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Merlin, roll me Reason.

[Dice roll on table.]

David:           11.

[Honor chime.]

Emily:          And I would like to give him Noble’s Favor, which on an honorable action, if he succeeds, I also get a point of honor.

[Honor chime.]

Jessica:          Ooo.

David:           Oh! Well I rolled an 11.

Jessica:          Piggy back.

Sage:            Fantastic. Successes all around.

Elowyn:        Merlin! Come on, there has to be something in that brain. This is literally what we pay you for!

[Mystical music.]

Sage:            From many a times spent within the great library back in Camelot, Merlin recalls his studies on the spirit world.

When ghosts are not at peace, they often resort to very turbulent natures. All of these lost souls are merely feeling shame. This boy is pure and they’re trying to latch onto him. If they somehow would feel confident again, then perhaps they’ll be mended.

Merlin:          So I’ve figured it out! These ghosts, they are the fallen of the Green Knight’s treachery. That means that they are here embodying shame incarnate, and we must dispel that shame if we are to dispel the evil magic. And the only way we can amplify the bravery and the positive feelings present in these spirits, is with some mighty tunes!

[Travis snickers.]

Stev! I cannot believe I am about to say this, but the time has come for the song of songs! For the pep talks of pep talks. For the ultimate feel-good ballad of the year! It’s on you, Stev. You must restore the confidence—

[Stev pants in panic.]

—of all these wayward souls before this young boy is claimed by them and joins their ranks.

Stev:             Oh…oka—

Merlin:          [loud] You can do it, Stev! Don’t even think about it!

[Stev pants.]

You can do it, I promise! You can do it.

Stev:             Uh—

Merlin:          That’s why you’re here with us!

Stev:             [nervous] Okay.

Merlin:          It was foretold. Trust me, I’m a wizard.

[Stev pulls out his mandolin.]

Stev:             [nervous] W-well, I might need a little backup, here. I don’t know…

[He strums quietly.]

Rebecca:           Oh, I can help.

Stev:             Okay. Alright.

[He fidgets with his mandolin.]

Merlin:          It’s time to tap into your bardic powers!

Stev:             [nervous] Okay.

[He blows a kazoo.]

Goes a little somethin’…like…this.

[He clears his throat and strums the mandolin.]

[sings] All of the ghosts in this open field

Need to stop tryin’ to kill this kid!

It’s not—

Rebecca, Stev:         —your fault that you lost to the Green Knight

Really fuckin’ strong.

He’s really fuckin’ big.

If you leave without this boy

I promise you will find some joy.

Maybe not in this life

But the next, next, next life

[Beat.]

Ta da!

Merlin:          Tha— [groans]

Rebecca:           [frantic] Blow the kazoo! Blow the kazoo!

[Stev blows the kazoo.]

Sage:            The boy seems to snap out of it for just a moment.

Stev:             Thank god.

Sage:            But the spirits stand by.

[Stat test chime.]

Roll me Performance.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Dishonor chime.]

Travis:          God dammit.

Jessica:          Oof.

Sage:            They listen…and then they scream again.

[Spirits shriek. Rebecca groans.]

Stev:             Well everybody—

Sage:            The sun starts going down beyond the horizon.

[The spirits shriek continuously.]

Stev:             Thank you. Thank you very much. Please stop screaming. Thank you. Yes. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Please stop screaming.

Rebecca:           [irked] It’s not an encore.

[Emily chuckles.]

Stev:             No, they- I- I can do it again. Alright. Here we go.

[He blows the kazoo.]

Sage:            The sky gets darker.

Stev:             [sings] Hey all you gho— [normal] What?

Elowyn:        Stev, we don’t have time! We have to get to the green chapel, now.

Stev:             Alright.

Sage:            Sunset is almost over.

Rebecca:           Quick! Quick! We’re going to miss our chance!

Elowyn:        I’ll get the boy. Get to the chapel now!

Rebecca:           Okay!

[Emily chuckles.]

Sage:            Elowyn, while he’s distracted, roll to pick up the boy!

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

Emily:          Yeah.

[Honor chime.]

[Elowyn runs over to the child.]

Elowyn:        Quickly, boy, come with me!

[She scoops him up and continues running. The Boy cries out in surprise.]

Stev:             Don’t forget to tip your waitresses. Thank you, good night!

Elowyn:        Go, go!

[The group charges toward the green chapel, panting.]

Stev:             I’ve never had asthma, but I imagine this is what that feels like.

Rebecca:           Doesn’t help with the fog.

Merlin:          I volunteer to pick up Stev. He’s too stumpy to keep up.

Rebecca:           [put out] I’ll pick him up.

[She grunts as she grabs him by the shirt and tosses him over her shoulder.]

Stev:             Thank you— Ahhh! Stop throwing me around like a volleyball at a Jimmy Buffet concert!

Elowyn:        Just run! Run, you idiots!

Stev:             Beach ball.

Rebecca:           We’re going!

Sage:            Everybody retreats out of the fog, hoping that they’re going in the right direction, and thankfully…they arrive at the door.

[Rebecca sighs in relief.]

The screams are still heard echoing in the background. And before entering, we end the encounter with judgement.

[Suspenseful music.]

Jessica:          Oh god.

Sage:            Did you provoke the tormented spirits? No. Not really.

Did the boy stab himself in sacrifice? No. He’s okay.

But the spirits were left behind. And they are still discouraged. +2 Dishonor to everybody in the party.

[Dishonor chime.]

[Jessica blows her lips.]

Travis:          Ooo, mama, we’re gettin’ there.

Jessica:          Mm-hmm.

Sage:            Honorable actions. Did you mend the spirits? You did not.

Did you save the boy? You did!

[Honor chime.]

So everybody only gets 1 point of Dishonor.

Travis:          I tried my best.

Sage:            And before our final confrontation, how close is everyone to 20 Dishonor?

Rebecca:           15 Dishonor.

Stev:             14.

Elowyn:        15.

Merlin:          I have a 19.

Jessica:          Oooh!

Travis:          Oh shit [chuckles].

Sage:            Oh no.

Emily:          Merlin, no! [chuckles]

Travis:          Uh-oh.

Merlin:          I’ll be fine!

[Emily groans in concern.]

[Music fades.]

[Suspenseful music.]

Sage:            Time is running out. One year to the day, it has almost come. Our four heroes, Rebecca Blacksmith, the knight hoping one day to be a singer; Stev, the traveling bard hoping one day to find his fourth chord; Lady Elowyn of the Danbranins, hoping to restore honor to her family of Green Knight slayers; And Merlin.

[Beat.]

[Chuckling.]

They all approach the front of the green chapel.

[Merlin coughs weakly.]

Rebecca:           [worried] Oh, Merlin.

Stev:             He’ll be alright.

[Merlin coughs again.]

Rebecca:           Merlin.

Stev:             Merlin.

Merlin:          [weak] Breath is harder. Death is taking me.

Elowyn:        [worried] It’s alright.

Stev:             If only there was something honorable I could try to do right now, but I don’t think there is. Ah, boy.

Emily:          Oh, also, now we have a boy [chuckles].

Sage:            [amused] And you have a young boy.

Travis:          Just danglin’ by the arm.

Brenly:            I- I’m Brenly.

Rebecca:           Oh. Hi, Brenly.

Elowyn:        Yeah, Bren—

Stev:             Yeah, we’re friendly too!

Elowyn:        We’re—

[Jessica stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]

Brenly:            No. No, Brenly. I’m Brenly.

Stev:             Brindly?

Elowyn:        [warning] Stev.

Stev:             ’S that mean cold?

Elowyn:        [firm] Stev…

Stev:             Is he cold? He’s not wearin’ a shirt.

Rebecca:           [loud] We, uh, don’t have enough time, Stev!

Elowyn:        Brenly, we are going to take care of some business.

Brenly:            [nervous] Uh, oh, okay.

Elowyn:        I promise you’ll be alright.

Brenly:            Thank you for saving me.

Elowyn:        Of course [humble chuckle]. Just stay here and stay out of sight.

Stev:             What’d you think o’ that song, kid? What d’you- what d’you—

Elowyn:        Nope! Stev, we don’t have time.

Stev:             [put out] Alright, fine.

Brenly:            It wasn’t very— It wasn’t that good.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Stev:             Everyone’s a critic.

Sage:            As you approach the green chapel, you feel a profound sense of dread in your stomach. The building seems to not just be covered in vines, but composed of greenery itself.

As much a part of the forest as the trees surrounding it. Do you have the honor to enter?

Rebecca:           Yes.

Elowyn:        Yes.

Stev:             Do I have to?

Elowyn:        [irked] Yes.

Merlin:          Yes.

Rebecca:           [irked] Yes.

Stev:             Yes. Yes, I do.

Sage:            Then each of you must utilize one of your skills, however you wish, to get inside.

Merlin:          I will use my…ugh…oh, my heart. Oh, I will use my keen senses of unparalleled ancient wizard mysticism to try to glean my way into the entrance of this cathedral.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

David:           10.

Sage:            That is under. Success.

[Honor chime.]

Merlin gathers in some energy from these plants that are encroaching the entire building. He reads into their histories. It has healing properties. Almost like a photosynthesis of sorts, [amused] but nobody in this era knows what the fuck that is.

And what about anybody else? How do you get through?

[Stev blows on his kazoo. He clears his throat and strums his mandolin.]

Stev:             I tell you the story about the Green Knight in step.

A boy so small he used a flour sack for a bed.

He stumbled to a cave

And now into his grave.

[Beat.]

Except it’s gonna be the grave of the Green Knight, ’cause I’m gonna beat the shit out of ’im with this mandolin!

[He strums the song to an end.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

Travis:          Hey! I’m under.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Great. Stev, following right behind Merlin, as he just kind of whispers some kind of weird incantations, gaining energy from the plants.

[Merlin mumbles incoherently.]

Stev:             Oh boy, way behind ya.

Sage:            He’s following right behind. Pep talking himself in song.

And next is Elowyn.

Elowyn:        I am Lady Elowyn of Danbranin. I come from a line of slayers of the Green Knight. You broke the line with my brother, but I will not break as easily. I seek to balance the scales. Let me enter so you may land your blows and I mine.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Endurance.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Honor chime.]

Lady Elowyn, with great courage, enters the chapel.

And lastly, Rebecca Blacksmith the knight.

Rebecca:           Oh god [sighs]. Alright. Well…I’ve made it thus far. I’m doing this to help Elowyn, so…[tsks] I’m just gonna use Brawn.

Travis:          [stifles laughter] Nice.

[Stat test chime.]

Jessica:          Is this over or under?

Sage:            Under!

[Dice roll on table.]

Jessica:          Ooo, boy. That’s a 0.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Great!

[Rebecca roars and charges through the vines.]

Rebecca Blacksmith cuts through all these weeds and surpases everybody and she’s the first into the chapel.

Stev:             [distant] Jesus Christ!

[Rebecca pants.]

Rebecca:           Sorry.

Sage:            And her charge has inspired everybody else in the party.

[Honor chime.]

Stev:             Alright!

[Rebecca groans as she stands upright.]

Sage:            Mist drifts through the weathered stone and hangs about the floors and corners.

[The group walks across the stone floor.]

You slowly make your way towards the block of stone that resembles an altar. Where the pulpit would be is only a massive tree trunk. Your eyes search around for the Green Knight, and it only as you get closer that you realize…he’s already there.

Rebecca:           [quiet, annoyed] Of course he is.

Sage:            One with the tree trunk itself.

[Rebecca burps.]

Rebecca:           Hello.

[Plants rustle.]

Green Knight:        You came. Has it been one year?

Stev:             [quiet] You don’t even know?

Elowyn:        Yes. It has.

Stev:             [quiet] It seems ridiculous.

Elowyn:        [quiet] Yes it does. [normal] Most honorable Green Knight, we have come at your behest, one year since each of us has struck you down. We are here to meet you again.

[Plants rustle.]

Green Knight:        Yes, of course. Were you to take the honorable path, you must kneel before me.

[Beat.]

Stev:             That’s it?

[Jessica chuckles.]

Merlin:          Do what he says.

Green Knight:        I will strike you hence on the neck with this axe.

[Tree bark creaks as the Green Knight lifts his axe.]

Rebecca:           So you want us to kneel so you can chop off our heads?

Stev:             No wonder all those ghosts are so pissed off. He tricked ’em! He says, “Hey, kneel down, let me hit you with this axe, and it’s a good time.” And then- now they’re all dead! What is this?

Green Knight:        I was very clear. One blow on me, one blow on you.

Stev:             [irked] I hit you with a mandolin!

Green Knight:        And I’ll hit you with my axe.

Elowyn:        And should we refuse to kneel?

Green Knight:        Then you are dishonorable and we will battle.

Elowyn:        [quiet] Oh. Yeah. That’s…

Stev:             [quiet] I mean that skips- kinda stay in the protocol, I guess.

Rebecca:           So if we’re honorable we just die?

[Beat.]

Green Knight:        You look familiar.

Rebecca:           Who? Me?

Green Knight:        No- Wait! Yeah, you too. [Sage snickers]

Stev:             Well yeah. You’ve talked to us all before.

Elowyn:        All of us have struck you down before.

Stev:             A year ago. You hit—

Green Knight:        I do this- I do this all the time.

Merlin:          I’m Merlin.

[Travis chuckles.]

Green Knight:        …Who?

Rebecca:           [shocked] Oh.

Merlin:          [unamused] Very funny.

[Jessica and Travis chuckle.]

Elowyn:        I’m sorry, Sir Green Knight, but we- we cannot kneel before you.

Stev:             ’Cause, like, you’re gonna hit us and then we’re gonna be dead, right? If you hit us with an axe.

Merlin:          I’m gonna kneel before him. Are you outta your mind?

Green Knight:        Your brother was here before, wasn’t he?

Elowyn:        Yes. Did he kneel?

Green Knight:        He did. And I struck him down.

Elowyn:        Then he was a coward.

Green Knight:        You seem to have it backwards. Those of your family who made it back home fled at this very moment. They dishonorably abandoned my challenge and therefore lied to you.

Elowyn:        [quiet] …No.

Green Knight:        Your brother was the only one who knelt before me and did not even flinch. His soul is pure. And though he was struck down by my axe, he lives on amongst the trees.

Rebecca:           Whoa.

Elowyn:        [quiet] Cowards…

Rebecca:           So are we just here to apologize to you—

[Travis chuckles.]

—and you’re gonna murder us, and then we will remain a spirit in the world and be honorable?

Elowyn:        It seems the choice is honorable death or dishonorable life.

Rebecca:           With a possible dishonorable death.

Elowyn:        Yes.

Rebecca:           [tsks] Alright.

Green Knight:        You may all speak for yourselves. Doth thou kneel before me?

[Beat.]

Elowyn:        [firm] No.

Stev:             [nervous] Uh…yeah, no. I don’t- I don’t really wanna get hit with an axe. I gotta be honest, it’s not… N-no. [normal] I’m not gonna kneel. I’ll- I’ll go out swingin’ my mandolin around!

Rebecca:           [sad] I’ll kneel.

Elowyn:        Rebecca, no!

Green Knight:        You, Rebecca Blacksmith, whomst has slaughtered me out three times, kneel before me, now.

Elowyn:        Rebecca, no.

Rebecca:           I don’t want to be dishonorable. I’ve- I—

Elowyn:        You don’t even want to be a knight! What does it matter?

Merlin:          Rebecca. Rebecca! I’m going to kneel. But that’s only because I’m literally one dishonorable thing away from eating it!

[Emily snickers. Sage stifles laughter.]

But you! You’ve got reserves. You’ve got a young life all ahead of you. You must come to your own decision, but I will be kneeling. Merlin has met his final adventure.

Elowyn:        [shocked] Merlin, no.

Merlin:          Yes.

Elowyn:        No!

Merlin:          [irked] What?

Elowyn:        You’re a great wizard. You could defeat him!

Merlin:          I am an old man and I’ve made up my mind!

Green Knight:        Merlin the wizard.

[Beat.]

Merlin:          Yeah?

[Sage and Travis chuckle.]

Green Knight:        May we now test your honor?

Merlin:          Go for it. I’ve got nothing to hide, Green Knight of old. My ancestors are smiling upon me this day. Can you say the same?

Sage:            The Green Knight rips one great arm from out of the wall and then another. He stands tall at full height, towering far above you. Yes you’re tall, but not taller than him.

[Emily chuckles.]

Rebecca:           Fuck.

Green Knight:        So you have chosen honor. Good. Now kneel.

[The Green Knight swings his axe down toward Merlin. The axe cuts through Merlin’s neck and his head rolls away.]

Rebecca:           Ah!

Elowyn:        Merlin!

Stev:             [nervous] Ah.

Sage:            Off with his head. No reluctance. Like butter through that serpent. Merlin has been decapitated.

Elowyn:        [quiet] Merlin.

Rebecca:           He’s gone…

Elowyn:        [angry] Is that what you want, Rebecca? Is that what you want?!

Rebecca:           I- I- I don’t know. I feel Persuaded to kneel down, but if it— If I must do my duty as a knight for you and your family, I will stand by your side, if that’s what you prefer.

Stev:             I’m gonna hit ’im with a slingshot!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Emily:          [quiet, amused] I swear to god…

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Roll Ranged Combat.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Travis:          Is this honorable or dishonorable?

Emily:          Oh my god! [chuckles]

Sage:            Dishonorable, buddy.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Travis:          Oh, I so got it.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Nice.

Stev:             Hey, fuck you, tree!

[Stev flings a rock from his slingshot, smacking the Green Knight.]

Sage:            Boink! One blow has been stricken to the Green Knight!

Green Knight:        You have chosen dishonor.

Stev:             Yup!

Green Knight:        [slow] So be it.

[The Green Knight pulls himself fully out of his tree, rising even taller above them.]

Elowyn:        Oh.

Rebecca:           [firm] Let’s do this.

[Action music.]

[Elowyn unsheathes her sword.]

Elowyn:        I will strike you down with this blade!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Is it over?

Emily:          20. Hell yeah, it’s over!

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Elowyn hits the Green knight!

[Elowyn charges forward.]

Stev:             Oh boy.

[She screams as she stabs the Green Knight in the shin. He groans in pain and sighs.]

Sage:            Two blows!

Rebecca:           Alright.

Sage:            He lifts his axe once more.

Rebecca:           I am going to take down your head, as you’ve done to thousands of others who faced you!

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

Jessica:          That’s a 21.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Rebecca strikes at his neck.

[Rebecca charges and swings her sword at the Green Knight’s neck.]

The branches are too thick, but she chips the bark.

[The Green Knight groans.]

Three blows! You feel his life force is at half.

Rebecca:           For Merlin’s beard!

Stev:             Pfft. It’s over there.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Travis chuckles] Six feet from his body.

Sage:            He lifts his axe once more!

Stev:             Hey, I got a slingshot don’t I? Here we go!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Ranged Combat.

Travis:          20!

Sage:            Bonk again on the head.

[The rock whooshes across the room and slams into the Green Knight’s head.]

This rock was bigger!

Stev:             Eat that, tree!

[The Green Knight groans.]

Sage:            Four blows.

Stev:             Also, I found my harmonica.

[He blows on the harmonica. Rebecca snorts in amusement.]

Sage:            [amused] He hates the sound of that.

Stev:             Yeah, I bet.

[The Green Knight stomps and growls.]

Elowyn:        I’m gonna get him from behind. We should try to get him on the ground.

Rebecca:           [worried] Oh.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Melee Combat!

[Dice roll on table.]

Emily:          Ah! It’s 18.

[Honor chime.]

Sage:            Great. Using the inspiration from Rebecca, Elowyn is able to…

[Elowyn runs at the Green Knight. She yells as she kicks hard into his knees.]

Kick his knees in. This giant tree…

[The Green Knight groans and collapses with a thud.]

Falls down. Five blows dealt!

Stev:             Oh my god. I think we’re doing it!

Rebecca:           Okay.

Sage:            He’s almost defeated.

Rebecca:           I’m gonna try to reason with him.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        No!

Stev:             Reason?!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        He…

Stev:             Reason him- reason him into a kitchen table!

Sage:            The honorable Rebecca Blacksmith walks up to the Green Knight on his knees.

Green Knight:        Yes?

Rebecca:           Your rules are flawed. You put yourself on this pedestal as a judge of honor, which is dishonorable. As if you are any better than any of us. You shame us, yet we fight for ourselves and for our families. That is honorable. Merlin died an honorable death, but I know I don’t need to die to be honorable. And what Elowyn proceeds to do is beyond honorable! So you… You have no power over us!

Green Knight:        I suppose arrogance is, in fact, a form of dishonor.

Stev:             [quiet] Oh god. This guy’s pedantic as shit.

Rebecca:           Shh!

Green Knight:        My pride has overrun me like these leaves. You’ve shown me the error of my ways. But I would be dishonoring my own promise to myself to not finish what I have started.

[Music builds.]

Stev:             I’m gonna El Kabong ’im with the mandolin and end this shit!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Melee Combat. Do it.

[Dice roll on table.]

Travis:          Hot damn! 18!

[Honor chime.]

[Emily chuckles.]

[Stev roars and charges at the Green Knight. He smashes the mandolin over the Green Knight’s head and a string breaks. The Green Knight groans and collapses.]

Stev:             And stay down!

[Jessica snickers.]

Rebecca:           Did the 5’2” bard just do what I think he did?

Elowyn:        He did. And I think it may have worked.

[Music calms.]

Sage:            The body of the Green Knight lies broken and destroyed before you. The shards of wood and tendrils of greenery that compromised his body lie still and unmoving except for his head.

His eyes stare straight at you, and as mold seems to overtake the sockets, even as you watch it, it speaks.

Green Knight:        You live today. Today I die and want and wait and grow.

Sage:            Looking around, the sun shines through brightly. The trees open up above you, glittering green in all its shades and hues. Though, you notice the green’s fading, the leaves crackling against the sun. The whole green chapel is turning brown and black.

Elowyn:        [worried] We should go.

Sage:            The natural world begins to fold unto itself in a circle, growing outward from the Green Knight’s head. Rot and mold begin to spread. The world around you begins to die. You are left alone.

[Suspenseful music builds.]

Elowyn:        [urgent] Go. Go now!

Stev:             Oh my- oh.

Rebecca:           [urgent] Someone grab Brenly!

Stev:             Not- oh, boy. Come ’ere boy!

[Stev grabs Brenly and runs outside. Brenly cries out in surprise the whole way out.]

Okay, I— Bad idea for me to do this. Somebody grab ’im! Somebody grab ’im!

Elowyn:        Okay—

Stev:             He’s really heavy.

Rebecca:           I- I got ’im, I got ’im!

[She grabs Brenly and swings him onto her back as they run.]

I got him.

[She coughs on dust as the chapel crumbles around them.]

Stev:             Okay, I learned—

Brenly:            You guys are super epic!

Stev:             Oh thank you. Thank you!

Brenly:            They’re gonna talk about this legend for days at least! Maybe more.

Rebecca:           We gotta get out here first, if they’re going to.

Elowyn:        Yes. Go, go swiftly, before the whole thing caves in!

Sage:            And in a final sprint for glory, you all exit through the rotten archway!

Elowyn:        [yelling] Aaaaaaaah!

Rebecca:           [yelling] Aaaaaaaaaahh!

Stev:             [singing] Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

[Music and sound climax as they run outside…then calms.]

Sage:            The fog has dissipated.

[Stev pants.]

All those ghosts and banshees that were screaming, the dissonant souls that were feeling shame…no longer do. And they speak to Rebecca.

Ghost of Merlin:         Peace!

[Rebecca gasps.]

Peace has found its way to us at last.

Rebecca:           Merlin…

Ghost of Merlin:         Our souls have been pacified. Our vengeful spirits have been mended, and our pride is restored once more! because of your unshakable honor, and astute diction, we—

Rebecca:           [smug] Thank you.

Ghost of Merlin:         —are now free to ascend higher than ever before, into our great beyond.

Rebecca:           [hesitant] You’re welcome.

Sage:            The weight is lifted from her.

[Rebecca gasps quietly.]

The spirits leave.

Ghost of Merlin:         [fading] Farewell!

[Jessica chuckles.]

Sage:            Fading into the ether. After speaking on behalf of these spirits to Rebecca, he closes his eyes and Merlin…feels…nothing. Only blackness.

He is gone, but not dead. His body becomes one with the earth. His honorable legend lives on, rooted deep into the ground. Each time his story is told, a sapling will emerge. Time will let the sapling grow into a mighty tree. And Merlin becomes one with the woods.

You all look off into the distance and see, on an overpass looking towards you, an orange fox with a very familiar wizardly glint in it’s eye [chuckles].

The kid looks to Elowyn and speaks.

Brenly:            Hey. What’s that over there?

Elowyn:        [smiling] …An old friend.

[Beat.]

[Music fades out.]

Uh, do you live in a village around here?

Brenly:            Who, me? Brenly? [Sage stifles laughter]

Elowyn:        No—

Stev:             Yeah.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Elowyn:        —the people I’ve known for a year. Yes, you!

Brenly:            I don’t know. I’m eight. [Sage stifles laughter]

Rebecca:           What are your parents' names?

Elowyn:        Do you have parents?

Brenly:            Yes. Mr. and Mrs. Brenly.

Rebecca:           Mm. Okay.

Stev:             [quiet] Okay.

Brenly:            They’re lodgers. They live out to the- to the north a teeny bit.

Rebecca:           Oh, okay.

Brenly:            Just kinda wandered my way over here.

Elowyn:        Okay, we’ll return you home then, as it is the honorable thing to do.

Brenly:            That’s very honorable of you.

Elowyn:        Yes. Yes it is.

Brenly:            I would say that’s- that- that would even decrease your dishonor or whatever.

Rebecca:           What does that mean?

Elowyn:        What?

Brenly:            But you know, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

[Emily and Jessica chuckle.]

Hey, you! Is that a mandolin in your hand over there?

Stev:             Yeah, I mean, it’s, you know, by- broke a string, but it’s got eight. So you know, uh, yes. Why d’y- why d’you ask?

Brenly:            Well I learned a- a little diddly. Couple weeks ago.

Stev:             What?

Brenly:            Wanted to see if I could practice it again.

Stev:             Oh, yeah sure. Here, you could probably use a pick me up. You’ve been through some…

[A string plucks lightly as Stev holds it out to Brenly.]

Here you go.

Brenly:            Think it was…

[Brenly picks at the mandolin hesitantly.]

Dis finger here…

Stev:             Oh r- what?

Brenly:            And den dis finger here…

Stev:             That’ll never work.

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

Brenly:            And this finger right here.

[Travis and Sage stifle laughter.]

Stev:             Okay. I don’t know what you’re goin’ for but—

[Brenly strums the mandolin.]

OH MY GOD!

Rebecca:           Oh. That really worked.

Stev:             WHAT?! What are you doing?! Do it again. Do it again immediately!

Brenly:            Okay. Dis finger here, dis finger here, dis finger here.

Stev:             Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I get it, I don’t see where—

[Brenly strums again.]

AHHHHHH!!

[Sage chuckles.]

Alright listen to me. You come ’ere, come ’ere. Kid, come ’ere, come ’ere.

Brenly:            What, what? Yes?

[Stev grabs the mandolin and Brenly’s shoulder.]

Stev:             We are not leaving this barren patch of waste until you teach me what it is you just did. I don’t care if it takes all day. I will spend a lifetime figuring out this thing you just did. I need this.

Brenly:            Okay, here. Look, here- here, fine.

Stev:             Alright?

Brenly:            It’s just- put that finger there.

[The strings strum lightly as Stev places his fingers.]

Stev:             O-okay.

Brenly:            Dat finger dere. And den—

Stev:             Alright, now hold on- okay- g-go back to the beginning. Go back to the beginning.

I’ve—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

I’m lost.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Brenly:            Dat one dere.

Stev:             Okay.

Brenly:            Dat one dere.

Stev:             Yup.

Brenly:            Dat one dere.

Stev:             Alright. Then I’m just gonna…

Brenly:            Hit ’em all- hit all of ’em.

Stev:             Eh- yo- yea- ok—

[Stev grunts as he strums the chord. Elowyn gasps.]

Rebecca:           Oh, you did it!

Elowyn:        Oh!

Stev:             [quiet] Oh my god.

Brenly:            Yeah, pretty good.

Stev:             That’s it? [elated] That’s it?! I played the fourth chord!

[Stev strums the chord over and over.]

I found the fourth chord! I found the fourth chord!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

AHHH!

Brenly:            Do you know any songs?

Stev:             Well hell yeah I do! Well, I mean, actually I don’t. But I’d love to write one.

[Jessica stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]

Hey. Hey, Rebecca?

Rebecca:           Uh, yeah?

Stev:             Would you like to sing a song with me?

[She gasps happily.]

I know you’ve been meaning ta practice your bard skills, and I’ve neglected that this entire journey.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

But I’m here to make up for it at the very end. Which means it still counts, morally.

[Sage chuckles.]

Rebecca:           [touched] I would love to do that, Stev.

Stev:             Fantastic!

[He strums the mandolin and sighs.]

[sings] We found the green castle

And we kicked down the door!

We beat his green ass

’Til he cried, “No green more!”

The battle was fierce

But our spirits were too.

We showed him just what

Real honor, full circle—

[He clears his throat.]

—can do.

Rebecca:           [sings] We lost a dear friend

And it was awful sad.

We’ll always remember

The good times we had.

Stev:             That old magic bastard

[tearful] Gave his life for ours.

At least that’s what I’ll say

’Cause I’m a dramatic little—

Rebecca, Stev:         —bard!

So let’s hear it for old Merl

And his mystical ways,

And let’s all stay friends

’Til the end of our days!

[Stev strums the song to an end.]

Stev:             [normal] Or at least until we drop you off.

[Music fades in. It builds into a squeal and cuts off.]

Credits

[The Twilight Space music throughout.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.

Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela

Original music score by Sage G.C.

And very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon supporters of past, present, and future.

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories

Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com

Narrator:         A fallen tree and a dishonorable sound. Though our quartet became a trio, their tale will become legend. Heard and told for millennia like a trunk too old to cut down.

Another branching piece of history in this forest we call THE TWILIGHT SPACE.

[Episode End music crescendos and fades out.]

Special Thanks

Sage:            Hey! Special shoutout to Timm Woods, the designer of The Green Knight roleplaying game, who we got in contact with and just, ugh. Chef’s kiss. Your blessing means a lot to us. We had a blast with this system, and we really appreciate it.

Go check out Timm’s stuff at timmwoods.com.

Up until One Shot #5, which is another two-parter, the remaining episodes of THE TWILIGHT SPACE will now air biweekly, continuing October 14, with a completely different one shot. And I mean completely different. Seriously. I’ll Venmo you a dollar if you can get it right. You won’t. Don’t bother.

Don’t forget, if you like what we’re doing, you can support the show at patreon.com/20SidedStories.

Thank you all for listening and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

The Twilight Saga

Air Date: October 14, 2020

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Summit Entertainment, nor any books or films in the Twilight Saga. Understood? Good.

Narrator:         You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.

What better way to travel through the Twilight Zone— I mean Space, than to visit a Twilight all its own? This world is much like that on modern Earth. A living in which the mundane is many. But hidden in plain sight and on the edge of sunlight are creatures of power and seduction. This world belongs to the vampires, undead and living among us. Which brings us to the overcast state of Washington, USA.

[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]

Cast Introduction

[20 Sided Stories music.]

Sage:            Hello and Welcome to 20 Sided Stories. My name is Sage G.C. I am your narrator, Game Master, and director. And I am joined by my wonderful cohosts and your leading players.

Jessica:          Jessica Dahlgren!

Travis:          Travis Reaves.

Emily:          Emily Ervolina.

David:           And David Michmerhuizen.

Sage:            [amused] We are going to enter the world of The Twilight Saga. Not The Twilight Zone [chuckles], The Twilight Saga. Twilight is a series of paranormal romance novels written by Stephanie Meyer, who allegedly sucks. And they were adapted into immensely popular movies. There were five of them and they made a lot of money, and they kind of alternate between being elongated soap operas and, like, supernatural action films. If it’s your jam, sick.

Uh, I watched all of them and I was sober for none of them.

Jessica:          It’s highly recommended to be intoxicated while watching.

Sage:            Oh yeah. It was a great time.

Jessica:          It’s a lot of fun.

Sage:            Yeah. So before we dive into the rules, let’s learn who our characters are.

Travis:          I’m Travis, and I will be playing [“Lukas” accent] Lukas. In my human life, I fought for the allied front in World War I. I was killed the day after the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, June 29th, 1919. That’s when I was turned.

Since then I’ve been wandering the world, and eventually found my way into this coven that I live with now. I’m extremely attractive. And anything I want, I feel should be mine.

Emily:          Hello! I’m Emily and I will be playing Roxanne, a Polish immigrant who came to Boston in the, uh, early 1900s. Uh, and tragically died in the [amused] great molasses flood of 1919 [snickers].

[Sage snickers.]

Which, for those of you who don’t know what the great molasses flood of 1919 is, it is when a big old vat of molasses—

[Sage snickers.]

—broke and it killed twenty-one people and injured 154.

Travis:          [snickering] I’m—

Sage:            [stifling laughter] God…

Emily:          People died in molasses.

Sage:            Never forget.

Emily:          So [chuckles].

[Travis snickers.]

She was turned by the man she now considers father, who was in Boston at the time. And she’s been loyal to him ever since.

Jessica:          I’m Jessica, and I will be playing Stephany Mayer.

[Sage and Emily stifle laughter.]

Travis:          Boo!

Sage:            Like John Mayer.

Jessica:          Like John Mayer.

Sage:            Yeah.

Jessica:          But I’m not related to him.

Sage:            Got’cha.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Jessica:          I’m just your everyday human girl in college. I’m way too pretty for my own good, and I don’t even know it. I’m too busy covering my beautiful face in a book. I’m just tryin’a be a studious college student in Washington.

David:           Hi. I’m David, and I’ll be playing Luke and Roxanna’s dad.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

I love my kids.

[Sage and Emily chuckle.]

Sage:            Great. [amused] All we need- all we need to know.

So I’ve designed a micro-system for us to play with called Emo Vampires. You listeners out there can check it out for yourself at sagegc.com/games, but here’s how it works.

Everyone has Gifts and Talents. Gifts are like a unique superpower and Talents are what help you overcome most obstacles. There are five. Strength, Speed, Savvy, Soul, and Stare. Most of them are pretty self-explanatory, but Stare is the special one.

If you’re ever not happy with your roll, you can give a look—

[Stare chime.]

—And roll a second die. The game uses one d6, 4 or higher being needed for success. So if that second Stare dice ends up higher than your initial roll, it’s bumped up a category and you succeed. But if it’s lower, it makes it much worse and becomes a horrid failure.

Risk and reward, it can hinder you or it can help you.

If the player’s vampire identity is found out, the vampire government will come in and snap off your necks and light you on fire. So don’t get caught.

Emily:          [sarcastic] Yay!

Travis:          Is there, like, a goal to the game or is it just—

Sage:            Don’t get caught.

Travis:          Oh. Okay. Great.

Sage:            It- it ends when you get caught. Or if- until everyone’s bored [chuckles].

[Travis laughs.]

Travis:          It ends when I fuckin’ get the girl.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Jessica:          [amused] Pfft.

Emily:          If you get the girl.

Jessica:          Oooo.

Travis:          Oooo. When I get the girl.

Sage:            Alright—

Emily:          [amused] It’s fuckin’ on.

Sage:            Let’s dive in to the Twilight Saga.

[Everyone cheers.]

Travis:          “Decode” by Paramore plays.

Jessica:          “Supermassive Blackhole” plays.

Sage:            [chuckles] Every song on the soundtrack plays in order.

Travis:          At the same time!

[Sage and Emily chuckle. Sage claps in amusement.]

Sage:            Alright. Here we go.

Narrator:         It is time to cross into the secretive world of blood and wolves. Angst and passion. Love and pain. You are about to enter THE TWILIGHT SPACE: One-Shot #2 - The Twilight Saga.

[Music crescendos and fades.]

The Twilight Saga

[Ominous music builds. A Man runs through the forest.]

Man:                [frantic] No, please, please! I won’t say anything! I won’t say a word! Uh, nobody needs to know! My honest—

Lukas:            The last time someone got away with that excuse, know what happens?

Roxanna:        I ate him anyway.

Lukas:            So there’s really no recourse here.

Man:                [fearful] What do I gotta do? Anything…

Lukas:            You don’t gotta do anything. You just—

Roxanna:        [soothing] Shh. It’s okay.

Lukas:            [soothing] It’s okay.

Man:                [quiet] No. No, please.

Daddy Dracula:     Just sit back and relax.

[Lukas whirls around.]

Lukas:            [startled] Jesus Christ, Dad. How long have you been here?

Roxanna:        [irked] Dad! I told you we could handle this.

[Lukas pants in startled annoyance.]

Daddy Dracula:     I’m just so proud of you kids—

Lukas:            I— [sighs]

Daddy Dracula:     —and that they’ve come to the family business.

Lukas:            But the sneaking. Oh god.

Daddy Dracula:     I’m a vampire! What do you want?

[The Man moans in fear and bolts.]

Man:                I’m out of here!

Lukas:            [sighs] Threw me off my groove. Hold o— No. No!

[Lukas runs after him.]

You stay— Come ’ere!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Speed.

Daddy Dracula:     You’re letting him get away.

Lukas:            [irked] I’m on it, Dad!

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          3.

[Failure chime.]

Daddy Dracula:     Do you vant me to do it for you?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Travis:          Emily, what’s your character’s name, again?

Emily:          Roxanna. But you can choose to call me something shorter if you would like [chuckles].

Travis:          [snickers] Rox.

[Laughter.]

Emily:          That’s right. I’m a pile o’ rocks.

Travis:          Great.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Roxanna does that really quick vampire [makes swish noises] thing [chuckles].

Travis:          [amused] The fuckin’ after-effects blur.

Sage:            The after-effects lighter goes to maximum, minimum [chuckles]. A blur move and grabs this man. This poor moose farmer [chuckles].

Man:                [tearful] Okay. Please! I’m sorry!

Lukas:            Dammit, Rox, I wa- had that!

Daddy Dracula:     Children, children! Stop playing wit’cha food.

[Roxanna hisses and chomps into the man’s neck. He screams and gurgles.]

Man:                [weak] I told my wife.

Sage:            And then he dies [chuckles].

David:           Doh!

Roxanna:        You wanna get in on this? Anybody?

Lukas:            Save some for the vampire fishes, why don’t you? Move over.

[Lukas shoves Roxanna out of the way. She scoffs and Lukas bites the man’s neck.]

Roxanna:        Dad? Are you hungry?

Daddy Dracula:     Save me the liver.

[A Woman approaches in high heels.]

Woman:          [distant] George? George?

Roxanna:        [quiet] Fuck.

Daddy Dracula:     Never mind. I think I’ve got a little meal of my own.

Woman:          [distant] Husband, are you there?

Roxanna:        [annoyed] We gotta move.

Lukas:            Seriously. They keep moving in on our territory.

[Roxanna scoffs.]

Daddy Dracula:     Ve can’t let her get avay. He says that he told her.

Roxanna:        Alright, go get ’er, Dad.

Daddy Dracula:     That’s enough out of you, missy.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll Speed.

[Dice roll on the table.]

David:           6.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Dope.

Woman:          George? George?

[Daddy Dracula blurs up next to her and she screams.]

Daddy Dracula:     [yelling] VAAaaaa!

[She screams louder.]

Daddy Dracula:     Get over here. [laughs] Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Woman:          Oh no! My husband told me there were vampires. I thought he was kidding.

Roxanna:        [irked] Dad.

Woman:          Are you wearing a costume, sir?

David:           I kill ’er.

[Travis laughs.]

I just go with— I’m killing ’er.

[Daddy Dracula bites the woman’s neck and she gurgles.]

Lukas:            [annoyed] God, he’s so old school about it. Like, nobody bites like that anymore!

Sage:            And, on her deathbed, she lists off everybody she told [chuckles].

Woman:          I told my aunt, Jenny. I told my cousin, Louis. I told the neighbor and his dog!

Lukas:            God…

Woman:          I told the grocery clerk, Clark.

[She makes a fart noise and collapses.]

Roxanna:        I think it’s time for plan B.

Daddy Dracula:     Children, we have to flee town. Everybody knows about us.

[Roxanna scoffs.]

Lukas:            Alright, well…

Roxanna:        This wouldn’t happen if you weren’t the most famous vampire ever.

Daddy Dracula:     I can’t help who I am.

Lukas:            It’s hard to keep a low profile when, you know, your dad’s kinda famous. Just saying, so…

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Daddy Dracula:     [loud] Vat d’you want I should do? Shave my head and paint myself blue and play drums?

[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]

Lukas:            [put out] No.

Roxanna:        If it would help…

Daddy Dracula:     I’ll do it!

Lukas:            Stop guilting us with that Blue Man Group thing. It’s fine! We don’t want you to join the Blue Man Group.

Roxanna:        They’re not gonna let you in, Dad!

Daddy Dracula:     I—

Lukas:            [loud] We don’t want you to join Cirque du Soleil, and we don’t want you to be a Civil War reenactor.

Daddy Dracula:     I—

Lukas:            I’m sorry I said anything.

Daddy Dracula:     I just vant to be close to my children. I miss you kids so much.

Lukas:            I wish I was at Mom’s.

Daddy Dracula:     [hurt] Oh... Ah, ah, ah…

[Jessica, Sage, and Emily stifle laughter.]

Lukas:            Where did all the other vampires move to? Somewhere in the Lower 48. Not that far.

Daddy Dracula:     Egypt.

Lukas:            What?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Daddy Dracula:     I don’t know. I’m guessing.

Roxanna:        I am pretty sure it was Washington…

Daddy Dracula:     Why’d you ask if you knew the answer?

Lukas:            I didn’t know the answer, she did.

Daddy Dracula:     You kids. They don’t know re- no respect for adults.

[Beat.]

Roxanna:        Okay, so we moving to Washington?

Daddy Dracula:     Of course we are!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Pack your bags, we’re going to Washington!

[Action music.]

Sage:            A cold wind blows. The sky is overcast and gray, and down a long misty road, a moving truck pulls up to a pretty nice house. Very neo. Parks in the driveway and three very pale people exit the moving van.

[Lukas sighs. Roxanna groans.]

Daddy Dracula:     Isn’t this great, kids?

Lukas:            This is the fourth town we’ve had to move to in the past eighty years.

Roxanna:        Well at least there’s no sun in Washington, either.

[Lukas groans.]

That’s…

Daddy Dracula:     I have all the sun I need right here with Lukas.

[He puts a hand on Lukas’s shoulder.]

[Jessica chuckles.]

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Lukas:            [mumbles] Great.

Daddy Dracula:     You children are my sunshine.

Roxanna, Lukas:      [humoring] Okay.

Daddy Dracula:     You’ll love it here! It’s next to the good school.

Roxanna, Lukas:      [irked] Yeah.

Roxanna:        The good elementary schools. You know I don’t eat kids.

Daddy Dracula:     You’ll have your own bedroom. You always wanted your own bedroom.

Roxanna:        Well, not always [chuckles].

Lukas:            Is there a ma- is there a master bedroom? Is there a…

Daddy Dracula:     Yeah, that’s my bath.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

That’s my- that’s my bedroom. It’s my bedroom.

Roxanna:        Uck. You don’t even sleep. None of us sleep! What’s the point? I have the most clothes.

Lukas:            Well I’m just gonna go inside and use the restroom and maybe, uh, just take a look at some o’ the room sizes and see which one seems to suit me most.

Daddy Dracula:     What are you doing in the restroom?

Lukas:            [loud] I’m gonna go- I’m—

Roxanna:        You don’t use the restroom!

Lukas:            [loud] The big room’s mine! I’m gonna go get the big room!

[Lukas runs off.]

Daddy Dracula:     Oh no you don’t! That’s my room!

[He chases after Lukas.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Speed. Who’s gonna get to that master bedroom first?

David:           Oh, I will show this whippersnapper a thing or two.

Travis:          2.

David:           6.

[Success chime.]

Roxanna:        [calls out] You’re not gonna beat Dad.

Lukas:            Yes I can!

[Daddy Dracula blurs past and beats Lukas to the bedroom. Lukas sighs.]

Daddy Dracula:     You’re going to have to wake up pretty early in the morning to beat your old man.

Lukas:            This sucks. But not like the kind that we do.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Daddy Dracula:     Ooo! That reminds me! I have a surprise for you kids that you will love!

Roxanna:        [hesitant] Yeah?

Daddy Dracula:     I’m enrolling you in college!

Roxanna:        Again?

Daddy Dracula:     Yeah! Ah, ah, ah!

[Lukas chuckles sarcastically.]

You’ve always wanted to go to college.

Roxanna:        This is literally the fiftieth time.

Daddy Dracula:     But this time will be different!

Roxanna:        Yeah? What major do they have here that they didn’t have literally everywhere else?

Daddy Dracula:     Organ playing. You love to play the piano.

Roxanna:        [whispers] Shit.

Daddy Dracula:     An organ is just a giant bunch o’ pipes on top o’ piano. You do- be a natural! It’ll be good.

Lukas:            [sarcastic] Yeah, sis, why don’t you learn to play the organ? That’ll be super cool.

Roxanna:        [false cheer] Oh, thanks. What are you gonna do? Be too old for football?

Daddy Dracula:     Football! You could do good for football.

Lukas:            I could do great for football. And then next thing you know—

Roxanna:        Yeah if you could slow down, champ.

Lukas:            Yeah, I’m gonna have to start making excuses for why I won’t declare for the NFL Draft again.

[Sage chuckles.]

Roxanna:        Yeah. ’Cause the Italians will literally decapitate you [sarcastic half laugh].

Daddy Dracula:     Now look, it’s very important that you take it easy on the football field. If anybody gets tipped off that you are, in fact, a vampire, we’re gonna end up with our heads chopped off and set on fire in front o’ everybody. I don’t wanna.

Roxanna:        I don’t wanna eat the whole football team, ’cause some o’ those guys are definitely doing steroids.

Lukas:            No, I remember when we went to BYU. We don’t need that to happen again. But, Dad, playing football’s the only thing I have fun with—

Daddy Dracula:     [yells] We can never go back to BYU!

Lukas:            I know.

Daddy Dracula:     Sorry.

Lukas:            I know.

Daddy Dracula:     I’m sorry. Triggered.

Lukas:            [sighs] I guess I can…take it easy on ’em.

Daddy Dracula:     Well maybe you could play more than one kind of field, you know. You know there’s lots o’ nice, young people at the college, maybe you could meet a nice girl.

[Jessica snorts.]

Lukas:            What, have her for dinner?

Roxanna:        Yeah, ’cause that went so well the last time [snickers].

Lukas:            I— Excuse me. You’re the one that walked in on my date when I was in the bathroom just looking in the mirror, as I do every fifteen minutes.

Roxanna:        Okay, I’m sorry I ate your girlfriend! Like, are you gonna get over it or what?

Lukas:            No! I’m not! You and Alexi Romanov are on my shit list forever.

Daddy Dracula:     Why is Alexi Romanov on your shit list?

Lukas:            He’s the one that turned me into a vampire. Remember? I was fighting out for the Allies in World War I, and they signed the Treaty of Versailles and I was hiding out in Russia, and I said great I can go home.

But I got in a stupid pissing contest over a pocket watch, some asshole shot me, I was gonna die in the snow, and then along comes Alexi Romanov! Fresh off his family falling from power, and he says, [“Russian” accent] You know what I’m gonna do, young vampire Alexi Romanov, I’m going to bite this man in the neck and then fuck off to whoever the- knows where. [normal] And I’ve never been able to find ’im.

Now I’m fuckin’ in Washington!

Roxanna:        You know, last time I went to the home country I, like, kinda saw him.

Lukas:            What?!

Daddy Dracula:     He’s looking great.

Roxanna:        Yeah. He looks really—

Lukas:            You’ve seen ’im too?!

Daddy Dracula:     Oh yeah.

Roxanna:        Really?

Lukas:            Has everyone seen Alexi but me?!

Daddy Dracula:     Your father gets around.

Roxanna:        Yeah. Remember when Dad and I took that, like, big old Eastern European suck tour last summer? Like… [chuckles]

Lukas:            Yeah, no. I remember. [sarcastic] I was having a great time not being there. [quiet] Thanks for the invite.

Roxanna:        Yeah, well, uh… [chuckles]

Daddy Dracula:     Luka, Luka. Why you don’t like being a vampire?

Lukas:            [sighs] …I like being a vampire. I just also hate Alexi Romanov.

Roxanna:        Is this a bad time to tell you I slept with him?

[Upbeat rock song starts to play; extremely similar “Spotlight” by Mutemath.]

Lukas:            I’m going to bed.

[Lukas slowly leaves the room.]

Daddy Dracula:     You kids are so emotional. All the emotions and hormones. When you get to school and you’re amongst some people your own age—

Lukas:            [loud] We’re both over a hundred years old!

Roxanna:        Listen, Luke, I didn't break up with you.

Lukas:            What?

Roxanna:        I didn’t break up with you because I was uncomfortable with the sibling thing.

Daddy Dracula:     Uck.

Roxanna:        That’s on you. So I should be able to sleep with Alexi Romanov if I want. But go to bed. Handle it that way. You always do that.

[Lukas slams his door.]

Sage:            And they go to bed.

Travis:          But they don’t.

Emily:          We don’t sleep [chuckles].

Travis:          No, I go to bed.

Sage:            [chuckles] They go to their beds.

Daddy Dracula:     I’m gonna go watch Netflix.

Sage:            And sit [chuckles]. And we cut to the next day.

[Drum fill; the song picks up.]

Stephany:       Dad, no. I don’t want to wait for pancakes. I have- I’m late for college. I gotta go.

[She zips up her bag.]

Frank:          [stammers] I add- I added- I added chocolate chips in ’em…

Stephany:       Listen, I’m just gonna grab a coffee at the gas station and go, ’kay?

Frank:          Okay just w- I’m just worried about you, is all. I- I- you know, if you ever wanna, like, talk or anything, you know, I- I’m here for ya. I- I’m—

Stephany:       You wanna talk?

Frank:          I’m just tryin’a be a good- good dad, you know? Good single dad. I’m tryin’a be there for ya.

[Stephany croaks in confusion.]

You know I never- you know I’ve never seen you bring a boy around.

Stephany:       Dad, I don’t have time to talk about boys, okay? I got- I- I—

Frank:          Yeah, I’m not gonna beat ’em up, you know? I’m not gonna get all aggressive and be all cliche—

Stephany:       You own, like, seven rifles, Dad.

Frank:          And two pistols as well. And they- they’ll stay locked up. I’m a responsible gun owner. I’m not gonna threaten ’em. I just…you know, seem kinda lonely is all. So—

Stephany:       [sighs] Dad, I have to go.

[She zips up her pack the rest of the way and slings it over her shoulder.]

Frank:          [quiet] Okay. Alright.

Stephany:       Bye, Frank.

[She hurries to the door.]

Frank:          [quiet] Bye, Stephany.

Stephany:       Love you.

Frank:          [quiet] Love you too.

[She shuts the door behind her.]

[Music crescendoes.]

Daddy Dracula:     You kids seen this show, Longmire? It’s good. I have Netflixed the house.

Roxanna:        Dad, are you gonna find a job here?

Daddy Dracula:     Jo— [groans in mock pain] Oh, I don’t- ah, that word. I hate- oh no. The word. Why you say this word? Why—

Lukas:            Dad, “job” isn’t something that vampires- don’t- that’s n—

Daddy Dracula:     [mock pain] Oh! You said it again! Ah! Do- it hurts. Oh no. [normal] Why’d you want all a job for all the time? We got gold. It’s gonna be good.

Roxanna:        Yeah, but, it’s, like, weird, Dad. You’re, like, not old enough to be retired.

Daddy Dracula:     Blah.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

I work hard to get where I am.

Roxanna:        All those vegetarian freaks in Forks, like, their dad’s a doctor.

Daddy Dracula:     Yeah a doctor of bubkiss!

Roxanna:        Well you could be Dr. Acula [snickers].

Daddy Dracula:     Oh, ha. Here we go with this- with the Dr. Acula- oh this- you think I’ve never heard this before?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lukas:            All we’re saying, Dad, is that you can’t keep going from town to town saying you invented the blender.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Everybody knows that you didn’t invent the blender.

Daddy Dracula:     [loud] I invented the blender!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Roxanna:        There’s Google now, Dad.

Daddy Dracula:     The blender is mine! I named it after my friend, Jacob Blender.

[Sage chuckles.]

God rest his soul.

Lukas:            [sighs] Whatever. We’re late for school.

Daddy Dracula:     Go to orientation. Othervise you’re gonna be late for orientation. Go over there and get all the paperwork and stuff. And let me know when parents’ night is. I want- I a- I wanna meet some new people in town.

[Sage chuckles.]

Lukas:            [loud] There’s no parents’ night in college, Dad.

Daddy Dracula:     WHAT?!

[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]

WHAT?!

[Sage chuckles.]

[yells] The whole point of getting the value in college is to meet people! This is ridiculous! That’s how- not get- you gonna go to college, I’ll never see you again!

Lukas:            [loud] That’s why you need…to get a job!

Roxanna:        Dad, we—

Daddy Dracula:     Oye!

Roxanna:        Dad, we don’t meet people, we eat people.

Daddy Dracula:     Oye. It’s BYU all over again.

[Travis and Emily stifle laughter.]

[Lukas scoffs.]

Roxanna:        There is way too much sun in Utah.

Lukas:            Yeah.

Daddy Dracula:     I’m going on the Craigslist.

[He opens his laptop and starts typing.]

Lukas:            Don’t bring home any more used crutches.

Daddy Dracula:     [David stifles laughter] Don’t tell me what to do.

Sage:            And we cut to organ class.

[Organ music plays.]

Where an undeniably beautiful young woman is practicing.

Stephany:       [quiet] Ugh. Everybody’s looking at me again. I just wanna play this organ in peace.

Sage:            [amused] Everybody in the class is just watching Stephany play the organ [chuckles].

Stephany:       [quiet] Ugh. God.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Stephany, can you roll me Stare?

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          Oh, it’s a 3.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Ooo.

Stephany:       [quiet] Uck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I’m so nervous right now. I don’t like being stared at.

Sage:            She darts her eyes. She keeps twitching her mouth in a weird way.

[Stephany sighs and stammers, the organ music becoming more and more out of tune.]

And kinda moving her head back and forth.

Stephany:       Okay just don’t— Can- Professor, can—

[She stops playing and turns away from the organ.]

—can everybody please just, like, stop.

Professor:        No! Play the piece!

[Sage stifles laughter. Emily chuckles.]

Stephany:       I have to go. I have to leave the room. I need to go.

Sage:            Stephany gets up.

Stephany:       Oh god.

[She sighs and hurries out of the room. In the hall, she bumps into Roxanna and falls on her butt.]

Roxanna:        Oh. Oh. Um…

Emily:          Can I internal monologue? [chuckles]

Sage:            Yes.

[Internal Monologue guitar song.]

Roxanna:        Who is this creature? She’s so…tortured inside, yet…her face. Like a- like a thousand rays of sun lighting up my sparkling skin. I…I- I have to know more about her. And yet…I’m afraid.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            How’s this gonna go, Roxanna? Please roll me Soul.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Emily:          That’s a 4.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Great. Roxanna is definitely uncertain and taken aback, but she takes a deep breath and she knows…hey, this could go somewhere.

Stephany:       Um…I—

Roxanna:        Oh, I’m- I’m so sorry. Uh, can I help you up?

Stephany:       Sure.

[Roxanna lifts Stephany quickly.]

[gasps] Oh my god. You’re so cold.

[Roxanna chuckles nervously and takes a step back.]

Roxanna:        Yeah. I’m, uh, anemic [chuckles].

Stephany:       It’s like ice, though. And my brother’s anemic.

Roxanna:        Oh, um, yeah. Just, uh, p-poor circulation. Um, are- are you in organ class?

Stephany:       Yeah. I was just…fiddling around with a piece and then everybody just started staring at me.

Roxanna:        Oh, that was you.

Stephany:       Yeah. I—

Roxanna:        Okay. I heard you from the hallway. You’re very good.

Stephany:       Oh [humble scoff]. Thanks. If you don’t mind I- I really have to go to the bathroom and just— [sighs] I gotta go.

[She rushes off.]

Roxanna:        Okay.

Sage:            And then…

[A door clicks open as Stephany rushes down the hall.]

[stifling laughter] She bumps into someone else.

Travis:          Coming out of the bathroom.

[Sage chuckles.]

Sage:            Yup!

[Stephany cries out as she bumps into Lukas.]

Stephany:       Ugh, god. Sorry. I’m just so clumsy.

Travis:          Monologue!

[Internal Monologue guitar song.]

Lukas:            Who…is this…

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Creature?

[Sage and Emily stifle laughter.]

Her face is so tortured and emotional. But she’s like a- like a thousand rays of sun and- on my sparkling skin. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle this. For the first time in a long while, I’m…afraid.

Stephany:       I’m sorry. Do I…

Lukas:            Oh, fuck. Was I saying that out loud?

[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]

Sage:            Quick!

[Emily chuckles.]

[Stat test chime.]

Luke, roll me Soul.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          4.

Sage:            The same thing that Roxanna rolled. Hesitant, unsure, and curious, but still confident enough to know, hey…this could go somewhere.

Lukas:            Excuse me. I’m sorry that I bumped into you. What’s your name?

Stephany:       [nervous sigh] My name is Stephany.

Lukas:            I’m Lukas. Nice to meet you.

Stephany:       Nice to meet you. I’m sorry, do I have, like, something in my teeth or something? You just… People keep staring at me for a long period of time without saying anything.

Lukas:            The only thing I can see is the serene beauty of a hidden smile.

Stephany:       Oh…

Lukas:            Tell me.

Stephany:       [quiet] Okay.

Lukas:            Where were you coming from? Is this- this is the music hall, no?

Stephany:       I’m sorry. I- yeah. I was coming from organ class, but I- I really have to go to the bathroom. I’m- I’m—

Lukas:            I-I’m sorry. Just- I’m- I’m looking for my- my sister. That’s why I’m asking. Maybe you’ve seen her. She’s also, uh, looks a little Vitamin D deficient.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Um, real fucking annoying.

Stephany:       The anemic one?

Lukas:            Yes. Have you seen her?

Stephany:       Yeah, I actually bumped into her too. She’s down the hall.

Lukas:            Oh, really?

Stephany:       Yeah.

Lukas:            Well, um…

[Stephany stammers.]

I’m sorry, I’ll get out of your way.

Stephany:       I’m sorry, I really have to pee.

[She rushes into the bathroom.]

Sage:            And then Stephany barges into the bathroom. Luke then goes to look for his coven sister/ex/vampire, uh, family member.

Travis:          Lame.

Sage:            Who’s already made her way into the organ class. And he does the same and opens the door.

Roxanna:        Um…why’re you in organ class?

Sage:            But then they notice! Suddenly the teacher that was there from before looks totally different, but he’s wearing the same clothes [chuckles].

Daddy Dracula:     Velcome, class! To organ cla—

Roxanna:        [yells] Why are you in organ class?!

Lukas:            Why are you in organ class?

Daddy Dracula:     [loud] I am the organ class! Sit down, young la— I don’t know who this woman i-

Roxanna:        This is not what we meant by get a job!

Daddy Dracula:     [loud] Who is this girl? I don’t know!

Lukas:            Shhh! Roxanne, shut up.

Daddy Dracula:     Sit down, children. Welcome to organ class! I am your teacher. Teacher Goodbody. Today we will be learning the chords!

Roxanna:        Luke. What are you doing here?

Lukas:            I came here to make sure you weren’t making a scene, and here you are with Dad and making a scene.

Daddy Dracula:     Please don’t talk in class.

Roxanna:        I’m making a scene?

Daddy Dracula:     I have much to teach!

Lukas:            Sorry, professor.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Mr. Goodbody, can you roll me Savvy?

David:           Okay.

Sage:            How well can you play off your organ knowledge as this- as this teacher?

David:           I have rolled a 4.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Great. [chuckles] He’s kinda teetering on the edge, but [amused] he’s doin’ pretty good playin’ it off as Mr. Goodbody.

Daddy Dracula:     So, uh, children. This is the key in the middle. This is called middle key. Everybody repeat after me.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Middle key.

Lukas:            [quiet, hesitant] Middle key.

Student:         Middle—

Daddy Dracula:     [firm] Repeat after me!

Student:         [frantic] Middle key!

Student 2:       Key!

Roxanna:        [humoring] Middle key.

[The door clicks open.]

Stephany:       I’m back from the bathroom.

Sage:            Everybody shuts up.

[The chatter turns to hushed whispers.]

Roxanna:        [whispers] She’s back.

Lukas:            [whispers] She’s back.

Stephany:       I…

David:           Monologue.

[Internal Monologue guitar song.]

Daddy Dracula:     Who…

[Jessica stifles laughter. Sage and Emily chuckle.]

Who is this creature? Who, like the shining sun on skin. Is the most holiest of holy beauties I have ever seen in my entire life. She makes me feel…700 again.

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

[out loud] Excuse me! Young lady, you are late to class. What is your name?

Stephany:       Oh, um, S-Stephany.

Daddy Dracula:     [awed] Stephany.

Stephany:       I was here earlier. Wait, you- er- you- d—

Daddy Dracula:     I am Mr. Goodbody. I am…

Stephany:       Your hair—

Daddy Dracula:     The exact same teacher that you—

[Travis stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]

Stephany:       Your hair is so—

Daddy Dracula:     —with- before you left. [David stifles laughter]

Stephany:       Your hair is so black, and your skin is so white.

Daddy Dracula:     It’s seasonal affective disorder. It’s very common here in the north.

Stephany:       Oh. [nervous scoff] Sorry. Yeah. I shoulda known.

Daddy Dracula:     Thank you. [David stifles laughter] Okay.

Jessica:          Monologue!

Stephany:       Oh god. I need to sit down and there’s only one seat left. It’s in between those two people I bumped into. Fu…

Sage:            Stephany takes a seat and the lesson begins. Over the next hour [chuckles] Daddy Dracula—

[Travis snorts and laughs.]

—bumbles his way through this lesson.

David:           Professor Goodbody!

[Chuckling.]

Sage:            And most o’ the kids totally fall for it. He’s pullin’ it off okay. Except then Stephany notices something on his shirt.

[Stat test chime.]

Stephany, can you roll me Savvy?

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          3.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Do you wanna add a Stare?

Jessica:          Yeah!

Sage:            Then do it.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          4.

[Stare chime.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Great. Since your Stare roll is higher than your Savvy roll, that you almost failed, it’s now a success. And Stephany Mayer [stifles laughter]…

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Looks at the collar of Mr. Goodbody’s shirt.

Stephany:       Is that…is that… Oh no. He’s bleeding.

Sage:            And she knows that after a certain amount of time, blood kind of turns brownish and has a certain shade when it dries. That ain’t ketchup [stifles laughter]. That ain’t, you know, whatever red sauces.

Travis:          Soy sauce.

Sage:            Yeah, there you go. Sriracha.

Travis:          Barbeque sauce.

David:           Mmmost sauces.

[Chuckling.]

Jessica:          Monologue.

Stephany:       This is just so weird. He looks like…

[Quiet, suspenseful music.]

A stereotypical version of Dracula in my teacher’s clothes.

Travis:          Monologue!

Lukas:            [irked] Does Dad have blood on his fucking shirt?

[Sage laughs.]

Oh my god! We’re all fucked.

Stephany:       I feel like someone just interrupted my monologue.

Travis:          [amused] You gotta say monologue to interrupt me!

Jessica:          Monologue.

Stephany:       I feel like someone just interrupted my monologue. I’m not done.

Emily:          Monologue.

Roxanna:        Um…

Jessica:          Monologue.

[Emily giggles. Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]

Stephany:       He could’ve just cut himself shaving, but I don’t know. Something’s fishy. The two people next to me are so cold.

Roxanna:        Hey, d’you need a jacket?

Lukas:            ’Cause I’ve got several.

[Jessica snorts. Sage stifles laughter.]

[Lukas pulls a jacket out of nowhere.]

Roxanna:        Shut up, Luke!

Stephany:       You guys know each other?

Roxanna, Lukas:      Yeah.

Lukas:            We’re—

Roxanna:        This is my ssstep brother.

Lukas:            This is my step sister.

Stephany:       Why aren’t you guys sitting next to each other? Why did you leave an empty seat between you?

Roxanna:        Um…

Lukas:            Cooties.

[Sage snickers.]

No! Not that. Um…but something—

Stephany:       Yeah you’re, like, twenty. What?

Roxanna:        He’s twenty-two, actually.

Stephany:       D’you guys notice that the teacher has blood on his shirt?

Roxanna:        [thinks fast] He probably cut himself shaving. [sighs] Again.

Stephany:       Again?

Daddy Dracula:     Okay, class. I have decided that class is over for today.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Please go home and divide up into pairs and study organ history textbook at your houses with you and your study buddy. Pick whoever you pictured getting along with the best.

Lukas:            Stephany? Do you have a study buddy?

Stephany:       Uh, he literally just asked us right now.

Lukas:            So no?

Stephany:       …No.

Lukas:            Would you like to be mine?

Stephany:       Um…

Roxanna:        You guys are gonna come back to our house anyway, so I’m also going to be there.

Lukas:            [irked] You find your own study buddy, Roxanne.

Stephany:       Oh—

Lukas:            He said pairs.

Stephany:       Why don’t you guys—

Roxanna:        Oh! Why don’t I ask Alexi to be my study buddy?

Lukas:            [whispers] You said you wouldn’t bring him up when we’re in public.

Emily:          Monologue.

Roxanna:        I need to find the second hottest person in the room to bring home.

[Sage stifles laughter. A pause.]

Emily:          Can I roll for that?

[Laughter.]

Sage:            Sure.

[Stat test chime.]

Emily:          That’s a 4 total.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Great. You grab someone who’s okay [chuckles].

[David chuckles.]

Roxanna:        You.

Student:         Wha?

Roxanna:        You’ll do.

[She grabs his arm.]

Student:         Oh. [clears throat]

Roxanna:        You wanna study?

Student:         Um…yeah, you’re cold. Can you…are okay? Can you let go of me? [nervous chuckle]

Roxanna:        Yes. I have anemea.

Student:         Oh. Yeah, uh, I was gonna prob’ly be with my friend, uh, Geoff. Spelt with a G. But, um, that’s fine.

Roxanna:        Yeah. I think is the better move.

Student:         ’Kay.

Roxanna:        Trust me.

Jeff:         I’m Jeff. Spelt with a J.

Roxanna:        Cool.

Ad Break

[Radio clicks on.]

Kristin Couture:    We’ll be right back after these messages.

[Radio crackles off.]

[Emotional music.]

Stephany:      I’d never given much thought to how I would subscribe, but subscribing to 20 Sided Stories, a podcast I love, seems like a pretty good way to go.

Oh. Hey, it’s Stephany. I just wanted to say thank you to some cool people.

sparky

Mahmood Saeed

Ian Thompson

Spencer Hesse

Blake

Alec McMullen

You’re all, like, pretty rad. Yeah. Um, I hear if you go to patreon.com/20SidedStories you can be pretty rad, too. Uh, I guess there’s this, like, new feature where you can actually subscribe and really get it all outta the way, you know? And you’ll save 10%.

That’s like, a whole month free. At least. I don’t know. I don’t do math. I’m more into art and literature [nervous scoff].

Anyway patreon.com/20SidedStories. The best place…for my wallet…to die.

[Music fades.]

Sage:           Also! We now have a…

[sings in harmony] Discord!

Last week we launched the official 20 Sided Stories community Discord server, and it’s been so much fun. Discord is a really cool app that basically functions as a private chat room and a digital hangout space if you will.

We got a tabletop channel, a memes channel, the list goes on. Come chat! We’re a welcoming bunch of nerds, I promise. Make sure you read Da-Rules before you join, then pick your starter Pokémon emoji and you should be good to go.

Link in the episode description. See ya there.

[Radio cuts off.]

The Twilight Saga - Part II

[Daddy Dracula opens the door to his house and everybody walks in.]

Daddy Dracula:     Velcome to our home!

Stephany:       Mr. Goodbody…

Jeff:         Yeah, wait a minute. Uh, you kinda—

Lukas:            Mr. Goodbody- we’re his kids.

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Lukas:            And our mom…just…died. And they’re divorced, so now we live with him.

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Stephany:       You guys have no furniture.

Roxanna:        We, like, just moved [chuckles].

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            I’m gonna need one of the three in this family—which, you guys need, like, a last name.

David:           The Goodbody family.

[Chuckling.]

Sage:            Whatever. One of you vampire—

David:           We haven’t needed one until now! [chuckles]

Sage:            [chuckles] One o’ you three vampires needs to roll me Soul to keep your cool.

David:           I’ve rolled a 3.

[Failure chime.]

But I’m going to use a Stare.

Sage:            Great. Go ahead and roll another dice.

[Dice roll on the table.]

David:           A 5!

[Stare chime.]

[Success chime.]

Daddy Dracula:     I have, uh, I will make now the- the food! I will make food for you, and you will have a vonderful meal!

Sage:            And throughout that, he doesn’t blink. He just looks at these two kids—these two college kids—deeply.

Roxanna:        Dad…

Daddy Dracula:     Delicious dinner!

Stephany:       Oh.

Jeff:         Yeah, sure, yeah.

Daddy Dracula:     Beauta’me.

Jeff:         That’s great. Totally.

Stephany:       Okay, uh.

Jeff:         Rad.

Stephany:       Um, Jeff?

Jeff:         Yeah, Stephany, what’s up?

Stephany:       [sighs] I’m getting a really weird feeling about this.

Jeff:         Yeah.

Stephany:       On my way here I was Googling “cold skin” “blood”…

Jeff:         Dude, when Roxanna—

Daddy Dracula:     [distant, loud] Maybe for you kids could help!

[Stephany gasps.]

Vich one of dese items in the kitchen is the chimney?

[Stifled laughter.]

Roxanna:        [hesitant] I’ll be right there, Dad.

Lukas:            Our- our dad’s really- he’s a big joker, you know. He likes to crack jokes.

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Lukas:            Dad jokes.

Roxanna:        Cracking…wise.

Lukas:            A-any- anyways, Stephany, why don’t we go where the organ will go eventually and we can start working on—

Roxanna:        Hey, Luke, can we talk for a really quick second? Um…

Lukas:            Yeah. I can’t ever imagine what about, but sure.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Let’s take some time out of my—

Roxanna:        Yeah, let’s talk really quickly!

Lukas:            Sure.

Roxanna:        Uh, just over here for a second.

[They shuffle across the room.]

Lukas:            ’Scuse us.

Roxanna:        So, like, what’s your game plan here? You’re like trying to eat her or what?

Lukas:            No. I’m not planning to eat her. I’m planning to s-study with her and get to know her.

Roxanna:        [unconvinced] Uh-huh. Okay.

Lukas:            What’s your game plan with Derrick or whatever?

Roxanna:        Well I’m gonna eat Jeff, but that’s not important. What is important is the universally acknowledged rule of…I definitely saw her first.

[Sage snorts.]

Lukas:            Saw her fir…

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Lukas:            Universally to wh— That’s not [tsks] we- hey, uh—

Daddy Dracula:     [distant] Kids, kids! I have—

[He comes running into the room.]

Kids, kids!

Lukas:            Yes? Yes, yes?

Roxanna:        Yes, Dad?

Daddy Dracula:     Ve have a problem. Ve have problem!

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Roxanna:        Yes, Dad?

Daddy Dracula:     Ve have problem!

Roxanna:        What’s problem?

Daddy Dracula:     I ate Jeff!

[Sage stifles laughter. Jessica laughs. Travis cackles.]

Roxanna:        You did what?!

Daddy Dracula:     He was helping me in da kitchen, and, uh, you know… One thing lead to another.

[David stifles laughter.]

Roxanna:        Where’s the body? Also, is there any left?

[Jeff death gurgles in the background.]

Stephany:       Oh my god. Oh my god! I know what you are!

Lukas:            Oh…

Roxanna:        Um…

Daddy Dracula:     Vait!

Roxanna:        Um…

Roxanna:        

Lukas:            Uh…

Sage:            [amused] Say it.

Daddy Dracula:     We can’t let Stephany find out that I ate him.

Stephany:       You’re a- a vampire!

[Music thrums.]

Daddy Dracula:     Uh, oh.

Roxanna:        Wait, no, Dad! Don’t kill her!

Daddy Dracula:     She- she already knows!

Roxanna:        That’s—

Stephany:       I’ve already tweeted about it!

Sage:            What?

Lukas:            What?

[Daddy Dracula groans.]

Sage:            [amused] Oh, wait, really?

Daddy Dracula:     Vat, what’s a twitter?

Roxanna:        [gasps] Guys, the Volturi are totally gonna rip our heads off!

Lukas:            No they’re not. Stop saying that. Stephany, look, there’s a lot we have to get outta the way. One—

[A loud knock comes from the front door.]

Sage:            [amused] A knock on the door. A really intense one.

Lukas:            God dammit. One, I’m in love with you—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Two, you prob’ly just killed us all. Three, we don’t have an organ. And four, that’s Dracula!

Daddy Dracula:     Ah, ah, ah.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Stephany:       Oh my.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Roxanna:        Okay. I’m gonna answer the door.

Daddy Dracula:     No! No, don’t answer ze door!

[Sage chuckles.]

Roxanna:        Dad!

Daddy Dracula:     It’s- we’re dead!

Lukas:            You’re gonna get your head ripped off.

[The doorbell rings incessantly.]

Sage:            Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong [chuckles].

Stephany:       Did I- should I not have tweeted this?

Lukas:            Just—

[Travis snorts.]

Stephany:       I have a lot of followers ’cause people like me.

Roxanna:        I’m opening the door.

Daddy Dracula:     Vhy?!

Lukas:            Don’t open the door!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Daddy Dracula:     Vhy you open the door?

Lukas:            You’re gonna get your head ripped off!

Daddy Dracula:     It’s the government!

[Doorbell continues ringing over and over.]

Roxanna:        Yeah well the Volturi’s already here!

Daddy Dracula:     Is the- it’s the vampire pentagon!

Sage:            They kick the door in.

[Wood splinters and the doorbell stops. Stephany groans.]

Lukas:            Great.

Roxanna:        Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

David:           Okay. I have rolled for Soul!

[Sage chuckles.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Alright, alright.

David:           Okay. I’ve rolled a 2!

[Failure chime.]

[Stifled laughter.]

So now I’m going- well now I’m going to roll again.

Sage:            Yes, with your Stare.

David:           And I rolled a 2!

[Stare chime.]

[Snickering.]

Sage:            Then- [chuckles] then that is a horrid failure.

David:           Eh…

Travis:          You rolled a 1? [incredulous] You rolled a 1?

Sage:            And you have made your failure even worse into a 1. Daddy Dracula starts going to speak, and then his mouth just stops.

[Daddy Dracula grunts in shock.]

Nothing comes out of it…[amused] except a whole bunch of vomit [chuckles].

[Daddy Dracula vomits up a lot of blood.]

Lukas:            He ate some of the food. God dammit!

Roxanna:        Dad!

Sage:            He spews Jeff’s entrails all over the vampire government representative standing there, pale skin, dark red eyes, and a full black cloak.

Stephany:       Oh my god.

Sage:            Straight out of a fuckin’ MCR music video.

Roxanna:        [false cheer] Giovanni! Good to see you again! [chuckles]

Giovanni:             [slow] I just read a tweet on the Twitter.

Roxanna:        Oh, that’s a great place to read funny nonfactual things! [sniffs]

Giovanni:             Mmm.

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Giovanni:             Usually that’s how I treat the platform. A whole bunch of bullshit from a bunch of people who think they know things, and know nothing. But here’s the reality. Stephany Mayer, @Stephany_NotMayer

Stephany:       Everybody thinks that I’m related to John Mayer.

Giovanni:             This tweet says, “Oh. I guess vampires are real.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

And they’re my study partners in this organ class at the University of Washington.”

Lukas:            How did you have time to tweet all that?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Roxanna:        Your phone—

Lukas:            Wha- no- how many characters is that even?

Stephany:       It’s under. It’s under 160 characters.

Lukas:            Bullshit.

Roxanna:        Um, we will turn her or kill her.

Lukas:            Hol— [angry sigh]

Roxanna:        I promise?

Giovanni:             Hmm, well I promise not to say anything about the, uh, sightings in Alaska that were reported near Fairbanks, ’cause certainly that has nothing to do with you. [firm] If you act fast.

[Suspenseful music thrums.]

Roxanna:        Stephany, do you wanna be a vampire and live with us forever?

Daddy Dracula:     Would you like to live the life delicious?

Lukas:            Hold on, she looks like she has something to say, or at least try to do something with her face.

Stephany:       Um…you all kind of, like, rub me the wrong way, but this Giovanni guy is…

Sage:            And then Stephany looks at him.

[Stat test chime.]

Roll for Soul.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Emily:          Are we about to get cucked by Giovanni?

Travis:          God dammit.

Jessica:          I got a 2, but can I—

Sage:            Do you wanna add Stare?

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          4.

Sage:            Success.

[Stare chime.]

[Success chime.]

Stephany looks over to Giovanni.

Stephany:       Ugh…

Sage:            Monologue [clears throat].

[Internal Monologue guitar.]

Giovanni:             Who is…

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

This creature?

[Jessica laughs.]

I didn’t even get a moment to review the rules and regulations of which I must uphold. She has me transfixed. Her skin is like…a good…

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Not- she…

[Giovanni grunts in awe.]

Stephany:       [hesitant] Are you cumming?

[Chuckling.]

Lukas:            This guy just c— [Travis stifles laughter] This guy just creamed his cloak!

[Emily and Sage chuckle.]

Daddy Dracula:     Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Giovanni:             Uh, [clears throat] Uh…sorry about that [nervous chuckle]. Uh, look there’s, uh, you know the rules. There’s, uh, one or two options. Let’s see, she’s gotta join your family or she’s gotta… [clicks tongue]

Roxanna:        Yeah…

Lukas:            Mm-hmm.

Stephany:       Um—

Roxanna:        Don’t worry! I’ll turn you. I’m gonna do it better anyway.

Giovanni:             Oh. [tsks] Oh, I mean, I’m- I am the elected representative of- of the, uh, Washington body of the Volturi, so I think I actually should be the one who—

Lukas:            Yeah, that’s- that’s what she wants to be. A bureaucrat vampire. Alright, so if anyone here’s gonna turn her, it’s her study partner, which is me, okay?

Giovanni:             Oh, well, you know I could just report you two for, uh, releasing—

Lukas:            I can report my foot up your ass, how’s that?

Daddy Dracula:     Children, children. Stop antagonizing the bureaucrat. Let him do what he wants, ha!

Roxanna:        Okay, Stephany, either you die or you live forever and you’re, like, super hot. Um, so…make a decision.

[Stephany sighs.]

Giovanni:             Dead or undead? Tick tock.

Stephany:       [quiet] Doesn’t matter what, I’ll be dead.

Daddy Dracula:     Being dead does not screw up your career the vay that it used to. You know, I’ve had many jobs. Organ instructor… Huh…

Roxanna:        Count.

Daddy Dracula:     Count, yeah! Count, yeah, yeah.

Stephany:       Excuse me, what if I just, like, promise that I won’t tell anyone?

Daddy Dracula:     Not good enough. Not—

Roxanna:        You literally already tweeted it [scoffs].

Giovanni:             No, then we will have to- I will have to rip your head off and then…

Daddy Dracula:     Can do that- not- to—

Giovanni:             Catch you on fire.

Daddy Dracula:     Over the top.

Stephany:       But I can write a really good book series about this.

[Music stops.]

Giovanni:             Yeah. Alright. I’m gonna kill ’er.

[He blurs forward. Lukas yells.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Speed, Luke!

[Action music.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          That’s a 1.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Ooo. Luke goes in to grab— [burps]

[Emily chuckles.]

Luke goes in to grab Giovanni. He’s too fast! And darts outta the way.

Lukas:            Jesus Christ!

Sage:            And he gets even closer to Stephany Mey- Mayer.

Jessica:          [stifles laughter] It’s Mayer.

[Lukas pants.]

Roxanna:        Oh, come on, Luke!

Lukas:            You’re the fast one! You get her.

Roxanna:        Fine!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll Strength.

Emily:          That’s just a 5. But 5 is good.

Sage:            5 is good!

[Success chime.]

Even though he’s too fast for Luke, he’s not stronger than Roxanna.

[She blurs after Giovanni and pulls him back. He grunts.]

Giovanni:             Ooo, sneaky. Ah [winces]. You’re very strong.

Roxanna:        Yeah, you already knew that, though.

Giovanni:             Oh, yeah, you’re right. We had that one little skirmish couple hundred years a—

Lukas:            Why does everything have to be so horny with us?!

[Sage laughs. Emily chuckles.]

Everything we do! I go to the grocery store, I’m horny. I go to the laundromat, I’m horny!

[Sage chuckles.]

Day, night, horny!

[Chuckling.]

Sage:            Roxanna throws your body across the room.

[She grunts as she chucks Giovanni.]

And he doesn’t crash into anything, though, ’cause you guys never unloaded the moving van [chuckles]. He just hits a wall.

Roxanna:        Don’t make me drown you in molasses.

Giovanni:             Alright, alright [chuckles]. Look, you’re clearly very strong, but you gotta do something about Stephany. Now.

Roxanna:        I’m going to turn her. In more ways than one [giggles].

Lukas:            Bullshit! I’m gonna turn her.

Daddy Dracula:     No, me! Me, me, me!

Stephany:       Um…I mean…I don’t wanna, like, enter this family in, like, a volatile way. Um…is it possible that all of you guys just wanna bite me?

[Beat.]

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Roxanna:        Like…it—

Lukas:            What d’ya mean?

Roxanna:        —would circulate the venom faster, but, like, a multiple-vampire turning? It’s…it’s rare.

Lukas:            I haven’t done a group session in… God since the ’70s.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

This is…

Roxanna:        Yeah.

Lukas:            This is pretty…

Roxanna:        It’s kinda not done.

[Beat.]

Daddy Dracula:     I call her. Ah.

[He chomps down on Stephany’s arm and slurps.]

Roxanna:        It’s gonna be okay, Stephany. It hurts least in your inner elbow.

[Roxanna hisses in a breath as she watches. Stephany groans.]

Lukas:            I’m sorry. I’m gonna bite your fucking neck. It’s just this, you know, just—

Roxanna:        You perv!

[Lukas bites Stephany’s neck. She groans.]

Stephany:       [pained] Oh my god.

Jessica:          Monologue.

Stephany:       [pained] What is happening to me? Oh my god. My veins are cold. Ack. Oh my god.

[She groans in pain while the others slurp.]

Giovanni:             Uh, I know I wasn’t a part of that, but just watching it from over here, I definitely can be.

[Stephany groans as the transformation finishes.]

Sage:            And Stephany feels amazing. But I’m gonna need her to roll Strength—

[Stat test chime.]

—to make sure [chuckles] she hasn’t passed the fuck out.

[Emily chuckles.]

Roxanna:        Stephany, you’re gonna be, like, really unnaturally strong.

Sage:            You have a +1 to Strength because you’re a newborn vampire.

Jessica:          5+1 so 6.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Beautiful. A full, perfect form. She takes all the venom.

Stephany:       Oh my god. I see everything.

[She takes a deep breath.]

Sage:            And transforms.

Stephany:       Oh my god. Everything smells so good.

Sage:            And then she looks at these three vampires. Now they suddenly look family in a weird way, but horny [chuckles] but also at the same time they’re all more attractive. And she feels more attractive. And she looks more attractive. And almost like The Bachelor—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—they’re just lined up waiting for some sort of validation.

Lukas:            Uh…who’re you gonna bang first?

Stephany:       I don’t- Wow. This is… Okay, I really appreciate all of your enthusiasm, but I guess this is a pretty good time for me to mention that…I am attracted to women.

Roxanna:        HA! [claps]

[Lukas groans. Roxanna laughs victoriously.]

Daddy Dracula:     Ah, ah, ah, ah.

[Lukas sighs.]

Stephany:       So, Roxanna, would you accept this apple that I have in my bag?

Roxanna:        Um, I can’t eat human food. Um, but…I will accept this as a symbol of your undying love.

Stephany:       Awesome.

[Roxanna bites into the apple.]

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Lukas:            [mumbles] What a bunch of bullshit.

[Roxanna spits the apple chunk out.]

Emily:          Spit that shit out [chuckles].

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Giovanni:             So, uh, now what, guys?

Roxanna:        Giovanni, you’re not a part of this family, so, like, this really isn’t applicable to you.

Lukas:            Seems like you’ve probl’y kinda overstayed. Gettin’ kinda late.

Roxanna:        Yeah. Didn’t you have to, like, go to Italy or something?

Daddy Dracula:     Yes. Giovanni, please go tell the vampire pope that we’re very sorry and that we—

[Everyone stifles laughter.]

—are very honored that he had sent—

Stephany:       Wait, the pope is a vampire?

Giovanni:             Oh, yeah, definitely.

Daddy Dracula:     The vampire pope. There’s—

Roxanna:        Yeah, there’s both a pope of vampires, but the pope is a vampire.

Daddy Dracula:     Uh-huh.

Giovanni:             Yeah.

Lukas:            Yeah. He looked—

Giovanni:             Yeah, those are two separate things, but they know each other.

Roxanna:        Both of those things are true.

Stephany:       Whoa.

Giovanni:             They hang. They hang.

Lukas:            There’s the Vatican and then there’s the Vampican.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Stephany:       Wow. I didn’t know any of this.

Lukas:            Well you’re gonna have to start catching— There’s a lot of lore to catch up on.

Stephany:       I guess I should prob’ly mention that my dad is the governor of Washington.

Daddy Dracula:     Oh.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lukas:            Ah, shit.

[Everyone stifles laughter.]

Sage:            We’re in organ class after hours. There’s no one there. There’s just Roxanna and Stephany.

Stephany:       It’s been such a great week. I never thought college would be this wild.

Roxanna:        Yeah, they say experiment with all kinds o’ things in college [chuckles]. They have no idea [stifles laughter].

Stephany:       Well, it seems like we’re, like, alone in this…organ classroom. There’s no one here.

Roxanna:        D’you wanna maybe…play something [whispers] together?

Stephany:       That would be, like [sighs] nice.

Sage:            Slowly they sit down on the bench in front of a big organ. It’s huge.

[Sage and Emily chuckle.]

Roxanna:        Wow. Your hands are finally cold like mine.

Stephany:       It’s like…I’ve waited my whole life for this.

Roxanna:        It’s like I’ve waited my whole life for you.

Stephany:       It’s like…I would die every day just to be with you.

Roxanna:        I would…follow you to the ends of eternity and back again.

Stephany:       I’m so done with my mundane life. You’ve made my world so beautiful.

Roxanna:        It’s over. Only the future now. And probably way more rights for lesbians.

Stephany:       That would be great.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Roxanna:        Who knows? Some day we might even be able to marry you.

Stephany:       I’ll wait for that day.

Sage:            And then…without even looking at the organ or any of the keys, they just Stare—

[Emily and Jessica stifles laughter.]

—into each other’s eyes. And you’re both gonna roll me Stare.

[Stat test chime.]

[Jessica chuckles.]

For how good this song is.

Emily:          Gah! Yes! It’s a 6.

[Stare chime.]

[Success chime.]

Jessica:          I rolled—

Sage:            A beautiful 6.

Jessica:          I rolled a 5 [chuckles].

[Success chime.]

Sage:            And 5. So Stephany’s not quite as good as Roxanna, but they’re both pretty good together. And they play this organ…together…forever.

[Organ plays “Take Me Out To The Ball Game”.]

[Episode end music.]

Credits

[The Twilight Space music throughout.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.

Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela

Original music score by Sage G.C. and Travis Reaves

And very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon Supporters of past, present, and future

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories

Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com

Narrator:         Two Eves bite

Before dawn breaks

The apple now sweet

And immortal

Whether lit or in shadow

Love lives and knows no bounds

On the run and flourishing

Through this forever storybook we call

The Twilight Space.

HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

Halo: Combat Evolved

Air Date: November 9, 2020

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Microsoft nor anything in the Halo franchise whatsoever. Get that through your thick skull now, won’t ya?

Narrator:         You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.

We set the clocks forward and travel far ahead. The year 2552. Intergalactic war is spreading like a plague. And though entire planets have been lost, humanity’s darkest hour is still on the horizon.

Meet the Pillar of Autumn, a light-class cruiser and military mothership homing a fleeing fleet of marines with some all too important cargo.

Their daring escape from the alien covenant leads to a discovery that defines history. But some relics…should remain untouched.

[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]

Cast Introduction

[20 Sided Stories music.]

Sage:            Hello and welcome to 20 Sided Stories. My name is Sage G.C. I’m your Narrator and Game Master. And I am joined, of course, as always, by my wonderful cohosts who have all created some characters in the world of Halo that they’re gonna roleplay as.

Emily:          Hi, my name is Emily and I will be playing [“Natalia” russian accent] Natalia Korsikovski. I am a major in the United Nations Space Command. And I’m here to bust people around and shoot big guns. And I’m all out of ammunition.

Jessica:          I’m Jessica, and I’ll be playing [“Nellie” southern belle accent] Nellie McAllister. I’m, uh, just a sweet, humble little medic. I would like to say I’m a pacifist, so I’m very scared, but they needed extra help. So I’m hopin’ that I can just be there for support.

Travis:          Hi! I’m Travis, and I’ll be playing [“Tez” Bernie Sanders voice] Tez ’Tunam. Tez is a major in the covenant army, who has become disenchanted with the idea of The Great Journey, and he’s striving for a new, better way to bring the Sangheili race back to its roots and to freedom for all races underneath the Covenant.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

David:           My name is David and today I’ll be playing [“Typhoon” drill sergeant voice] General Samuel “Wild Horse” Typhoon! The most gnarliest hombre in the entire UNSC. CSA. CPA. BYOB!

[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]

Travis:          [stifling laughter] Certified Personal Accountant?

General Typhoon:      You know it!

Sage:            [chuckling] Anything else of interest about Typhoon?

General Typhoon:      I’m gonna blow my load all over these alien scumbags! They don’t know which way’s upwards after I’m through with ’em!

[Jessica chuckles.]

Sage:            Excellent. So we’re gonna take these characters into the world of Halo. Specifically, Halo: Combat Evolved. The Xbox original...

[David begins humming the Halo theme. Travis, Jessica, and Sage join him. It pretty quickly becomes a comical mishmash of random music.]

Jessica:          [sings] Tip me over and pour me out!

Sage:            Halo: Combat Evolved was released in 2001 on the original Xbox. Not the Xbox One, but the first Xbox. We are going to set this in the very beginning of the game. The first two levels, The Pillar of Autumn and Halo.

If you aren’t familiar with Halo, it is an epic space opera and action sci-fi video game franchise set in the year 2552, where humanity is at war with the Covenant, an alien alliance made up of many different races.

The title “Halo” refers to a series of ancient ring worlds that are spread across the galaxy. These halo rings were created by the Forerunners who mysteriously disappeared long ago. And thus, the Covenant Alliance has built an entire religion around them, considering the rings to be sacred and pursuing this idea they call The Great Journey. Only for humanity to come in and discover that the Forerunner halo rings actually withhold a very dark secret.

That’s only scratching the surface of the bottomless pit that is fucking Halo lore, but if you haven’t tuned out entirely by now, basically it’s the future. Humans vs. Aliens. We’re on a giant artificial ring world, and we gotta get off of it.

And while the games follow the story of a badass super soldier named Master Chief, we’re instead gonna follow the story of a bunch of bumbling marines. The ones who Master Chief probably accidentally ran over.

So I’ve designed a system called Halo Jenkins, named after the fallen private, rest in peace 2552. Characters will be using Combat, Command, and Intel to overcome obstacles. But before each challenge, I’ll declare the difficulty. If it’s Easy.

[Easy beep.]

Normal.

[Normal beep.]

Heroic.

[Heroic beep.]

Or Legendary.

[Legendary beep.]

With increasingly slimmer odds of success on a scale from 1 to 8. And in addition, each character has a specialization to help them out.

Natalia:        I am an officer, which means that if somebody does what I tell them to do, it +1 to roll.

Nellie:           I am a medic. Any time I heal someone, it is very easy.

Tez:              I am a commander. I get a +1 to Easy and all Normal rolls in the presence of any lesser ranks, ’cause I’m a very inspiring, motivating individual that can bring people together under a common cause. Like healthcare for all species and—

Sage:            [chuckles] Okay and David.

Jessica:          What a good moderator.

General Typhoon:      Uh, UNSC, Shadow Recon, +2 sniper rifle. +1 pistol.

Sage:            Nailed it. There are some other mechanics at play, such as activated skulls that reward you for killstreaks and religious references. But I’ll let you check that out for yourself at sagegc.com/games where you can download Halo Jenkins yourself and play it for free.

We’ll get to improvising and let this story speak for itself. And if it wasn’t already painfully obvious, I’m a big nerd for this and I’m fucking stoked.

[Travis chuckles.]

Nellie:           I am not a big nerd for this, but I am still fuckin’ stoked.

Travis:          Do we all have to go around and say how stoked we are now?

[Sage chuckles.]

’Cause I’m- I’m reasonably stoked. There’s gonna be a lot to juggle with the whole Bernie Sanders and Sangheili lore, but you know we’re gonna make this work. I’m into it.

[Sage chuckles.]

Emily:          [as Natalia] I’ve never been stoked about anything in my life except for gun. Big gun. That I am stoked about.

Sage:            And what about David?

David:           [as General Typhoon] Fuckin’ hard! Let’s do it!

[Laughter.]

Sage:            Alright let’s dive in.

Narrator:         It is time to land on this mysterious ring. And may we just as swiftly get off of it.

You are about to enter THE TWILIGHT SPACE: One-Shot #3 - Halo: Combat Evolved.

[Music crescendos and fades.]

Halo: Combat Evolved

[Soft music; suspenseful strings build.]

General Typhoon:      All I wanna know is…do you have that second king, Korsikovski?

Natalia:        I think we both know the answer to that…. Go Fish.

General Typhoon:      Dammit! Ah!

[He snatches a card.]

Fine.

Rookie Tony:       Ooo. Nice, nice, nice. Yeah, so anything else we can do on The Pillar of Autumn? [sighs] Big ship. Feel like we’ve been floatin’ through space forever.

Nellie:           I know.

Natalia:        Yes, and he still hasn’t gotten better at Go Fish.

Rookie Tony:       Kinda boring.

Nellie:           It’s my favorite game.

General Typhoon:      Rookie Tony, you need to work on your attitude. You either shape up or you’re gonna be moppin’ the mess hall

Rookie Tony:       [bored] Aye, aye, General.

Nellie:           Well I guess it’s my turn. Um…Tony? Do ya have any 2s?

Rookie Tony:       [inhales] Nope.

Nellie:           You’re s’ppose to say “Go Fish”.

Rookie Tony:       Oh. I- sorry, I, uh, I’ve- never played this [chuckles].

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

General Typhoon:      McAllister, can’t we pick some other game?

Rookie Tony:       Yeah, this games, really old. Like really old.

Nellie:           I just don’t think that you wanna learn it. Natalia’s the only one that’s good at it.

Natalia:        It’s true.

Rookie Tony:       It’s like an Earth game, right?

General Typhoon:      I like backgammon. And huntin’!

Rookie Tony:       How d’you guys know all these Earth games? You ever been to Earth?

Nellie:           No. I wish.

General Typhoon:      I seen it in the movies.

Rookie Tony:       Ah. It’d be so great to visit one day. Heard it’s real blue.

Natalia:        Uh, I picked up Earth game from book. Have you seen book before with- with pages? Where you turn?

Nellie:           I had a medical journal once that was a actual journal.

Natalia:        It’s like that, but it explain to you how to play Go Fish.

Nellie:           Oh, wow.

Natalia:        This- this is how I know game.

General Typhoon:      I can’t read.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Rookie Tony:       Alright, well you guys take the next round—

[Clothes rustle as he stands up.]

—I’m, uh, I’m gonna go take a leak. I’ll be right back.

Nellie:           Alright, Tony.

General Typhoon:      Rookie Tony!

Rookie Tony:       Yeah?

General Typhoon:      That damn latrine better look so spotless by the time you’re done with it.

Rookie Tony:       [dejected] Yes, sir.

[He walks away.]

[Suspenseful music continues. A crowd chatters in the background.]

Hierarch:             Tez ’Tunam!

Tez:              Yes? Hello, how can I help you?

Hierarch 2:          What is the meaning of this insolence?

Hierarch:             You better not be inspiring a new schism. We bring you into the High Council to plead your case, and quickly.

Tez:              All I’m saying is that we need to look at the facts of the issue and come to terms with the fact that The Great Journey is nothing more than a pipe dream. It’s going to be the same—

[The Hierarch groans quietly in annoyance.]

Hierarch 2:          These blasphemies will not stand! We cannot take such heresy!

Hierarch 3:          Heretic! Heretic!

Tez:              You may call me “heretic”, but you sit up here—

Hierarch 2:          Heretic!

Tez:              —in your floating pope chairs. A society based solely on military aptitude will collapse without a stable base of civilian industry, therefore this absolute nonsense war with humanity has to come to an end immediately.

Hierarch:             Is that so? Well I’m afraid your little complaint is too late. We’re attacking one of their motherships as we speak.

Tez:              You’re what?

[A muffled explosion goes off and air whooshes out of the breached hull. The ship’s consoles beep rapid warnings.]

General Typhoon:      AHHHHHH!!

Nellie:           [worried] Oh.

Natalia:        Vhat, vhat, vhat?!

Nellie:           Dear Father, Heavenly Father, please keep us safe. Mother Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Through our gospel our Lord, amen.

[General Typhoon continues screaming as he runs around aimlessly, knocking things down as he runs into them.]

General Typhoon:      [screaming] Ahh, ahh, no! Panic! Help me! Nooo! Help!

Natalia:        Typhoon! [Emily stifles laughter]

General Typhoon:      That’s General Typhoon!

Natalia:        Vhat is wrong?!

General Typhoon:      [panicked] We’re gettin’ attacked! We’re invaded by the aliens! We gotta get the hell outta here!

Natalia:        Ah, shit.

[General Typhoon and Natalia pick up their guns.]

General Typhoon:      Get the hell outta here!

Natalia:        Shit, shit, shit.

General Typhoon:      Get back in there!

[A sangheili soldier roars as it charges toward the door.]

Sangheili Soldier:       Open up!

[Natalia opens fire.]

Natalia:        Get back! Back, back, back!

[The sangheili soldier collapses with a grunt.]

Go! Get out!

Nellie:           Where's Rookie Tony?

Natalia:        There’s no time!

[The trio run through the corridor.]

General Typhoon:      [panicked] I d- put it in the pod! The pod! The pod, help me! Help me, please!

Nellie:           Over there! There’s an escape pod.

General Typhoon:      Keep the door open! Keep the door open! Don’t pretend like you don’t see me and close the door! Get your hand off the button!

Rookie Tony:       Hey, what’s the matter? We’re just tyrin’a get out- okay.

General Typhoon:      Get off the button!

Natalia:        Tony, open ze door!

Rookie Tony:       Alright, pile in, pile in. Hurry up!

Tez:              This so called Great Journey is a fever dream. There’s nothing at the end of this road but death and desolation for all of us involved.

[The crowd boos him.]

Hierarch 2:          The lack of faith on your part is not a failing of The Great Journey. It is a failing of your own!

Tez:              This is not about faith. This is a matter of civil- of civil responsibility—

Hierarch:             You dare defy the Great Journey?! You shit on our ancestors. The Forerunners themselves!

Tez:              They are not my ancestors. Have you heard of The Ballad of Kel 'Darsam, First Light of Sangheilios? That is who my ancestor is.

Hierarch 3:          You are vile.

Nellie:           Okay. I think we’re all in.

Rookie Tony:       Ah, shit! There’s no pilot. Does anybody know how to fly this thing or what?

General Typhoon:      Just go! Go! Go!

Rookie Tony:       Okay. I’ll hit this one.

[He presses a random button.]

General Typhoon:      You’re the pilot now. Congratulations, you got promoted. Now steer this fuckin’ thing! Let’s get the hell outta here! I can’t take it! Ahhhhhh!

[The lifeboat launches.]

Nellie:           General Typhoon you’re gonna have to take a deep breath, okay? Just take a deep breath in.

[General Typhoon takes a deep, panicked, breath.]

Ho- now- and hol—

[He lets it out.]

Hold- hold it for five seconds.

[He takes another deep breath.]

Keep in five seconds. Hold it for five seconds, then breath out for five seconds.

[He lets it out in a panicky grunt.]

Trust in the Lord that we’re gonna be okay.

Rookie Tony:       Captain Keyes says we gotta land on the ring.

General Typhoon:      What ring? What the hell are you talkin’ about, ring?

Rookie Tony:       That one. Look out the window.

[General Typhoon and Nellie gasp.]

Natalia:        Holy, shit.

Nellie:           Whoa.

General Typhoon:      Jesus Christ almighty.

Narrator:         Mother Mary, full of grace.

Rookie Tony:       I’ve never seen anything like it.

Hierarch:             You shamefully cast doubt and darkness upon the Covenant.

Hierarch 2:          We have no use for a broken weapon like yourself.

Hierarch:             The Great Journey waits for no one.

Hierarch 2:          We’ll cast you down upon that ring, where you will die.

Tez:              What are you doing?

[Two soldiers grab Tez.]

Tell them to get their hands- tell them to get their hands off me!

[The crowd boos.]

Brothers! We are the same!

Hierarch 2:          Take him away!

Tez:              We are the same!

Hierarch:             Tez ’Tunam!

Tez:              You don’t understand—

Hierarch:             You are hereby banished. Banished to the ring!

Tez:              Banished?

Hierarch:             Until you see its light.

Hierarch 2:          Get him out of our sight!

Tez:              I will start a ground-swell movement. You will not believe the individual contributions I will get to my cause!

Rookie Tony:       Oh, we’re comin’ in hot!

General Typhoon:      AH!

[Nellie grunts as the lifeboat shakes around them.]

Natalia:        Find something sturdy to hold on to.

General Typhoon:      Whoa!

Rookie Tony:       Everybody, brace for impact!

Nellie, Typhoon:       Ahhhhh!!

[The ship rumbles as it breaks the atmosphere. It crashes into the ground and dirt goes flying. A moment passes as things settle. Birds chirp and wind blows.]

Sage:            Though in daylight, looking up, you can see the stars. And an immense landmass wrapping around the entire sky. The grass is a deep green and pine trees are spread out across a series of small canyons. There’s a metal structure, a building of sorts, clearly not a natural formation. And perched atop its second level are four marines.

Natalia, Nellie, Tony, and Typhoon. Aside from the occasional sentinel you see flying above you—small automatrons that seem to manage the tech on this desolate ring—you are alone.

No contact. No rescue.

Nellie:           [sighs] It’s been four days.

Natalia:        Nobody is coming for us. Yes. I- I zsink we all agree on this at this point.

[Something rumbles in the distance.]

Nellie:           Maybe they’re comin’ for us, honey. It’s just gonna take a little bit more time.

Natalia:        That’s “Major” to you.

Nellie:           Oh, s-sorry, Major.

Natalia:        Thank you.

Nellie:           I just feel like we were just so personal playin’ those cards [chuckles].

Natalia:        Don’t get used to it.

Rookie Tony:       Sucks, you know? I never... never got to see Earth.

General Typhoon:      [distant] Hey guys! Look, I’m gonna jump off o’ this thing!

[Laughter.]

Nellie:           Wha- General…

General Typhoon:      Look!

Rookie Tony:       [scoffs] Yo, Typhoon, get down, man.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

General Typhoon:      [distant] I am gonna get down! Real quick!

Nellie:           General Typhoon…

Natalia:        Nobody’s coming after you if you jump.

Nellie:           Don’t get all reckless on us. We have to stick together.

General Typhoon:      [distant] I can’t take it any more, team, we been out here for too long! This sucks!

Nellie:           If—

Rookie Tony:       Typhoon’s got a point.

Nellie:           They’re gonna—

Rookie Tony:       He’s got a point!

[Nellie sighs.]

They said the Master Chief was gonna come!

General Typhoon:      [distant] I’m gonna jump off o’ this thing! I’m just gonna end it all.

Nellie:           No! Don’t do it. We have each other and we have our faith. We must—

General Typhoon:      [distant] Awwwnnaaaahhhhh noooooooooaaahhh.

[Misadventure music.]

Sage:            General Typhoon, roll me Combat.

[Heroic beep. Stat test chime.]

David:           [amused] Alright.

Sage:            This is a Heroic feat, I would say.

David:           [laughs] I rolled a 1.

[Failure chime.]

[Laughter.]

Sage:            [amused] Oh, what?!

[The General leaps off the building. His leg snaps as he lands.]

General Typhoon:      [yelling] Ohh! Awwwh!

Natalia:        [quiet, exasperated] Jesus Christ…

General Typhoon:      [yelling] Ohhhhhhh! [sobs] Oh god! Ah, help me! Nellie! Nellie! Nellie, gimme the—

[She runs down to him.]

Nellie:           I’m- I’m right here. I’m right here, sir. Here—

General Typhoon:      Nellie, help me- no. I can’t stop flailin’! I can’t stop flailin’!

Nellie:           What d’you need?

General Typhoon:      Ahhh!

Nellie:           I got my first aid kit, I have a health pack if you need somethin’. Got- I got some morphine—

General Typhoon:      Help my leg!

Nellie:           Okay.

General Typhoon:      My leg!

Nellie:           I got your leg. Don’t—

General Typhoon:      My leg!

Nellie:           Just calm down, it’s gonna be—

Sage:            Nellie has one health pack left. [amused] You guys have already gone through several of these doing stupid bullshit to pass the time.

General Typhoon:      Use it on my leg!

[Travis chuckles.]

Nellie:           This is gonna be our very last one, General.

Natalia:        Just put him out of his misery at this point.

[Easy beep. Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Alright, Nellie, roll me Intel.

Jessica:          Intel.

Sage:            This is an Easy action, because you’re a medic.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          I got a 4.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Great.

[Gentle music.]

[Health pack crinkles as Nellie uses it with a sigh.]

You patch him up...

[General Typhoon sighs in relief.]

and General Typhoon feels a lot better.

Natalia:        Next time you’re thinking of doing something stupid, put pistol in your mouth and pull trigger. How ’bout that?

[Sage stifles laughter. Travis laughs.]

Save us the health pack!

Sage:            And we cut over to the other side of this little valley.

[Gentle music.]

Beyond a couple of small knolls, a really tall, Elite sangheili soldier, and a really tiny Grunt unggoy soldier, walking side by side.

Tez:              So, WapWap, it’s just like I was saying. There’s so many ranks in the Covenant army. I-it’s an entire culture completely consumed by bloodshed and the war. We completely outsourced every civil piece of infrastructure we have to- to- to your race. We treat you like slaves. We look down on you—

WapWap:          Oh, completely! I hate it! It’s terrible!

Tez:              It’s- it’s absolutely ridiculous. It cannot continue. And then now- I’ve- I’ve heard rumblings of the Brutes being- being put, uh, in- in the honor guard.

WapWap:          I got used as a soccer ball once.

Tez:              Good god. Really?

WapWap:          Oh, yeah. [Sage stifles laughter] Sucked ass. So all you’re say- all this you’re saying about The Great Journey being bullshit, it really makes a lot o’ sense!

Tez:              It does! It’s- it’s merely, uh, it’s- it’s a- it’s a fool's errand. A fever dream.

WapWap:          Yeah.

Tez:              It’s a religious frenzy that they’ve found themselves in, and these space popes in their chairs, they’re gonna drive us all to extinction.

WapWap:          Yeah!

Tez:              They’re gonna go to this ring world, this thing we’re on, it’s not the key to our salvation. It’s a big weapon. I’ve heard the rumors, I’ve seen the schematics. It’s going to the end of everything.

WapWap:          No way!

Tez:              Absolutely. We’re standing on a big gun! A big space gun.

WapWap:          Ahh! Ahhhh!

Tez:              No, no- eh, well, it’s not- it’s—

WapWap:          Ahhhh!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

AHHHHHH!

Tez:              WapWap. WapWap, please calm down. WapWap, I’m sorry that I used such strong language—

Sage:            And we cut over to our soldiers, hanging out in this random, desolate Forerunner base. And they [chuckling] hear, echoing over the knolls…

WapWap:          [distant] Ahhhh!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna diiiie!

General Typhoon:      There’s god damn crows over there.

[Stifled laughter.]

Maybe we can eat ’em!

Nellie:           That sounds like a little Grunt. Sounds like a little cryin’ little Grunt.

General Typhoon:      Grunt?

Natalia:        Good. I was getting bored. I’m going over to look.

Nellie:           I’ll come with ya.

Sage:            Natalia.

[Normal beep.]

Can you roll me Command? This is a Normal action.

Emily:          Whoo. It’s a 10.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Oh shit!

Jessica:          Hell yeah.

Sage:            Natalia barely peeps over and there she sees…

[Natalia reloads her Assault Rifle.]

Natalia:        Elite: Major rank with a Grunt: Minor. Looks like it’s just the two of them headed this way.

Nellie:           I gotch’yer back.

General Typhoon:      [yelling] Holy hell! It’s an Elite and a Grunt! Jesus Christ ladies, duck down! It’s not safe! We gotta get to some higher ground! Quick, hand me my gun!

Nellie:           General Typhoon…

General Typhoon:      [yelling] Hand me my gun!

Natalia:        Have you ever heard of ze element of surprise?

General Typhoon:      [loud] What?

WapWap:          Ah!

Tez:              WapWap, did you hear something?

WapWap:          Ah! Demon!

Tez:              What?

WapWap:          It’s the demon! Ahhh!

Tez:              Demon? There’s no such thing as demons. I’m trying to tell you that’s not—

[Distant gunfire. Bullets fly by and hit the dirt.]

WapWap:          Ah!

Tez:              Oh my goodness, they’re shooting at us.

[Action music.]

WapWap:          They’re shooting! Ah! Ah!

Tez:              We gonna go- quick, WapWap.

WapWap:          Ah?

Tez:              Behind these rocks.

WapWap:          Get—

Tez:              Behind them. Let’s go behind the rock. Go behind the rock. WapWap, we’re gonna go behind the rock.

[The two hurry behind cover.]

General Typhoon:      [distant] Ah! Shoot ’em! Shoot ’em! Shoot ’em! Shoot ’em!

WapWap:          Okay. Okay.

Tez:              Hey, WapWap, do you have any shields?

WapWap:          Mm. No.

Tez:              Okay. That’s not good news for you.

WapWap:          We’re not- [Sage stifles laughter] We’re not allowed to use those.

Tez:              I should’ve- I should’ve known that. I should have known that all they would do is mistreat you.

WapWap:          Though every now and again, somebody gets handed a fuel rod. It’s pretty fuckin’ sick! It’s this big laser gun.

Tez:              That is completely- that’s absolutely irresponsible.

Natalia:        [distant] Hello!

[WapWap gasps.]

I am Major Korsikovski of the UNSC. Step out from behind ze rock, or I will destroy the rock and your feeble bodies with it.

General Typhoon:      [distant] You heard ’er!

Nellie:           [distant] We’re nice people, maybe we don’t have to use any guns. Why don’t you just come out?

Natalia:        [distant] We outnumber you.

General Typhoon:      [distant] We’re not nice!

Natalia:        [distant] Come out.

General Typhoon:      [distant] We’re not nice at all!

Natalia:        [distant] With your hands up.

Tez:              I’m going to ignore my sangheili instincts to fly into a murderous rage and I’m going to approach them with diplomacy.

WapWap:          We’ve always been taught to never do that!

Tez:              Well…

WapWap:          They say scream and run or shoot and fire. [Sage stifles laughter] Those are your two options!

Tez:              Look, if we’re gonna- if we’re gonna stage a revolution—

Natalia:        [distant] Five…

Tez:              —we’re gonna have to take some—

Natalia:        [distant] Four…

Tez:              —drastic steps.

[WapWap hyperventilates.]

Okay hello, hello!

Natalia:        [distant] Three…

[Tez and WapWap step out.]

WapWap:          Okay, okay, uh, ah! Ah! Hello. Ah!

Natalia:        [distant] Two…

Tez:              Hello! Hello! I- yes, okay—

Natalia:        [distant] One…

Tez:              —we’re here, hello. I’m waving my arms. I’m waving my arms. Hello.

[Misadventure music.]

General Typhoon:      [distant] Hand over the crow and no one gets hurt!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tez:              I don’t…

WapWap:          The what?

Tez:              The- what? Do they have their own religious artifacts they think that are on this ring world? I don’t know what a crow is. What’s…

WapWap:          [gasps, intrigued] Am I the crow to their demon?

Tez:              I sincerely hope not. For- we don’t—

[WapWap jumps into a “scary” pose.]

WapWap:          Behold, human creatures! I am the crow!

[Beat.]

Nellie:           [distant] Um…

Tez:              I do not think…that that…

[Sage and Emily stifle laughter.]

Nellie:           [distant] No…

Tez:              Is what they were looking for, WapWap.

Natalia:        [distant] N-no you are not. And we know that.

WapWap:          Yeah. I mighta just shot down any opportunity for respect with that.

General Typhoon:      [distant] Is that a talking soccer ball?

[Travis and Sage chuckle.]

Natalia:        Vhat did you give him for the pain?

Nellie:           Well I just gave ’im just a little bit o’ morphine. And it got mixed with a little somethin’ else, but I thought he could take it.

General Typhoon:      Hand over your weapons and no one gets hurt!

WapWap:          [distant] I am setting my needler on the ground.

Tez:              [distant] That’s very good, WapWap.

Natalia:        Yes, put your veapons on ground.

Tez:              [distant] Non confrontational. That’s very good. Alright. I have a plasma pistol. It’s going down. I’m putting it there. We would like to discuss this—

Nellie:           Oh this is beautiful. This is beautiful, look at this.

Natalia:        Kick them over to me.

Tez:              [distant] Uh, we are several yards away from each other. I cannot kick anything—

WapWap:          [distant] You’re on the other side of a field! I can’t kick that hard.

Tez:              [distant] I cannot kick anything that far, uh, even—

Natalia:        Kick it away from yourselves! Jeez.

WapWap:          [distant] I’m like three feet tall.

Tez:              [distant] Alright, we’re just gonna walk over- away from them, and they’re gonna be here. Alright, WapWap, let’s go over.

WapWap:          [distant] One step at a time. One step at a time.

[WapWap burps.]

Sage:            Rookie Tony speaks up.

Rookie Tony:       Hey, uh, I’ll stay behind and, uh, just kinda watch your guys’ six. You guys go deal with them.

Nellie:           Alright, Tony.

Natalia:        Da.

[Wonderous music crescendos; rendition of “A Walk in The Woods”.]

Sage:            The two groups get closer. The three marines and the Covenant duo. In the middle of these green, grassy knolls. There’s a lot of tension in the air, but also a possible alliance.

[Footsteps crunch over grass.]

General Typhoon:      Klaatu barada nikto!

Tez:              Hello. It’s all- we speak your- your language inexplicably. We do.

General Typhoon:      How?

Tez:              I d- I could not tell you.

WapWap:          No idea.

Tez:              I could- I do not know why. We don’t—

WapWap:          Translators?

Tez:              Got no—

WapWap:          Maybe? I…

Tez:              Translators.

WapWap:          Good education?

Tez:              Well, we- okay. So first off, hello. I am Tez ’Tunam. I’m a Major in the- well I’m a former—

General Typhoon:      It is a pleasure to meet you Tez ’Tunam Major Former, pleasure to my name. My name is General Typhoon. And you will address me as such.

Tez:              That’s perfectly fine.

Natalia:        He has been given many drugs, so mostly do not listen to him.

WapWap:          Ooo, what’s “drugs”?

General Typhoon:      [amused] Oh, wait ’til you find out, little soccer ball man.

Tez:              This is my associate WapWap. He is my, uh, political consort and, uh, and campaign manager.

Nellie:           Can I just specify? Is your name spelled W-A-P-W-A-P?

WapWap:          You bet!

Natalia:        VapVap?

WapWap:          Yes! That is my name. WapWap. One word.

General Typhoon:      WapWap! Can I- can I ride you like a little-

[Sage and David stifle laughter.]

Let me- let me ride you a little bit.

[Sage chuckles.]

WapWap:          Wha-what?

Tez:              I don’t think that’s necessary.

Nellie:           [exasperated] You’re too big for him, General Typhoon.

[Everyone begins speaking over each other.]

General Typhoon:      Hold on, we won’t know until we try! Here, WapWap—

Tez:              He’s dealing with a lot of gen—

[General Typhoon leaps on top of WapWap.]

WapWap:          Ahhh!

General Typhoon:      —hold still.

WapWap:          Ahhhh!

General Typhoon:      Hold still, WapWap.

Tez:              Would you please get off of my—

General Typhoon:      No don’t throw me—

[He falls to the ground with a thud.]

Ow!

Tez:              —campaign manager?

General Typhoon:      Ow. My wrist!

WapWap:          Ahhh! Ah!

Nellie:           I’m so sorry. I’ve—

Tez:              He’s dealing with a lot of- a lot of—

General Typhoon:      My wrist! Oh,

[sobs] hurt my wrist!

WapWap:          Oh, god! Ah, ow.

[Natalia cocks her gun.]

Nellie:           Alright, General Typhoon, how ’bout this—

General Typhoon:      I need a medpack, I hurt my wrist!

Tez:              —generation of trauma

[Natalia fires her gun into the air.]

Jesus Christ! Okay.

Nellie:           Ah. Ow, my ears.

Natalia:        Shut up! Okay.

[Beat.]

Vhy did you get kicked out of the Covenant, vhat are you doing here? Answer in one sentence. Please.

[Ambient choir music begins.]

Tez:              No problem. I can answer in one sentence. It may be a very long sentence—

[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]

—but that’s just sort of my style. So we were- I was removed from my position in the Covenant army because I was able to look at the facts and ascertain the idea that The Great Journey, this religious conquest that we’ve been on for centuries, is nothing but a big pile of hooey.

WapWap:          Hooey!

Tez:              We’re going onward into the galaxy—

WapWap:          Onward!

Tez:              —in search of some transcendent plane of existence—

WapWap:          Transcendent plane of existence!

Tez:              In fact, all there is for us is death, desolation, and destruction.

WapWap:          Yeah!

Tez:              The climate in space is terrible. This thing that we’re on is- is a big weapon of mass destruction designed by the Forerunners.

Natalia:        This- this thing we’re on right now?

General Typhoon:      It’s a gun? We’re on a giant gun?

Tez:              We’re on one gigantic gun. I am lead to believe—

Nellie:           Oh. I knew it!

General Typhoon:      Oooh ho ho ho!

Nellie:           I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

General Typhoon:      Ho, ho, ho!

Tez:              And if the trigger is pulled, all life in existence will cease to exist.

WapWap:          Wait! All life in existence?!

Tez:              Look, I may be wrong. I’ve- I’ve heard rumors and I’ve seen some schematics. I am- I have every reason to believe that the Forerunners that came before you or I built this world as a way to stave off something. Some kind of intergalactic something.

General Typhoon:      How d’we turn on the gun?

Tez:              That’s- my whole point is we don’t…

WapWap:          [worried] No. No.

Tez:              We’re not supposed to turn on the—

WapWap:          No!

Tez:              If we turn on the gun, everything is going to die.

Natalia:        Vhat do you mean when you say “everything”?

Tez:              Every living being within 2500 light years will cease to exist.

General Typhoon:      Holy shit!

Tez:              You, me, WapWap here, you with the nice lady and whoever it is you have back there talking about six or somethin’.

Rookie Tony:       [distant] Hey.

Tez:              Hello. Now—

[Stifled laughter.]

—I don’t know what your plans are here. I don’t know how you got here either. Uh, I know that we invaded one of your ships. If- for that I am sorry. It was not my idea. I was in- I- I do not support the war, and I am—

General Typhoon:      Then we gonna have to find that trigger and we gonna have to keep them from turnin’ it on!

Nellie:           You’re finally makin’ some sense, General.

Natalia:        Yes. The drugs are starting to wear off.

General Typhoon:      Mmm. Dammit.

[Jessica and Sage laugh.]

Nellie:           [exasperated] I have no more. You’ve run me dry. Sir.

Tez:              This is a fantastic idea. This is exactly what I was hoping to find, is a coalition of the willing—

General Typhoon:      Hold on, Tasmanian devil, hold on! [slow] Where is the trigger?

Tez:              I have no clue.

General Typhoon:      Who does?

Sage:            And then, echoing from the base…

Rookie Tony:       [distant] AhhhAhAh!

Nellie:           Oh L…

Rookie Tony:       [distant] Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

[Nellie gasps.]

AHHHH!

Natalia:        Vhat, vhat, vhat?

General Typhoon:      Tony! Tony! Rookie Tony! Not Rookie Tony!

Natalia:        Oh no…

General Typhoon:      The Covenant got to him!

Natalia:        Come on. Come—

General Typhoon:      The Covenant’s caught ’im!

Natalia:        Come with—

General Typhoon:      They caught ’im! They’re gonna shoot us all!

[He lifts his gun and points it at Tez.]

Tez:              There’s not- no, we’re not here- I promise this is not some sort of ambush. Please- please lower your guns. Please.

General Typhoon:      You betrayed us!

WapWap:          [quiet, worried] Tez…

General Typhoon:      You betrayed us! Thank God I kept my gun on me!

Tez:              We’re- we’ve not betrayed anybody. WapWap.

WapWap:          [worried] Tez, what’s happening?

General Typhoon:      You’re a traitor!

Natalia:        If you vant to prove you’re not a spy, come with us now.

Tez:              Very well. That’s no problem. No problem.

[Suspenseful action music.]

WapWap:          I’m gonna hold on to your leg.

[He latches onto Tez’s leg.]

Tez:              That’s fine.

WapWap:          Tez, I hope that’s okay. I’m scared.

Tez:              Yup. Okay. This is not easy to walk like this.

[Tez drags WapWap along as he walks.]

Natalia:        Go, go, go! Move out!

Tez:              I cannot run.

Natalia:        You are soldiers!

Nellie:           Hut, hut, hut, here I go.

General Typhoon:      Back to the base!

[The group starts running.]

Sage:            And, as you approach, there’s no sign of Rookie Tony.

General Typhoon:      Rookie Tony! Rookie Tony!

Natalia:        Tony? Tony, vhere are you.

Nellie:           I don’t feel right comin’ back to where he was screamin’. What if there’s some big monster that’s gonna come out an’ eat us?

Tez:              Does Rookie Tony have any cloaking technology we should be aware of?

Natalia:        No, he’s just man.

[Easy beep. Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Natalia, can you roll me Intel? This is an Easy action.

Emily:          That’s a 7 total.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Great. Natalia notices a spot of blood on the steel.

Natalia:        Hmm…

Sage:            It starts a trail.

Natalia:        There’s blood.

[General Typhoon gasps.]

Tez:              I’m so sorry.

Natalia:        Shh.

Nellie:           [whispers] Okay.

Natalia:        We will follow.

Nellie:           [worried] Oh.

[The group slowly follows. Sounds begin to reverberate as they get deeper and suspenseful music builds.]

Sage:            The trail of blood leads the group down into the structure. It goes a lot further than they’ve cared to explore.

General Typhoon:      Echo! (echo, echo, echo)

Nellie:           [worried] Uh, I thought we agreed we weren’t gonna go down there. You sure this a good idea?

Natalia:        There is nothing on this ring but us. What are you afraid of? Ghosts? [mocking] Oooo.

Nellie:           There’s obviously some kinda boogie man that’s out ta get us.

Natalia:        There’s no such thing as boogie man.

General Typhoon:      There was no such thing as aliens a couple years ago and look at that, how it turned out.

Tez:              Oh, I could say the same thing about you. I didn’t know there was an alien race off of our world—

[An alien noise!]

[General Typhoon gasps]

Nellie:           [whispers] Quiet. Quiet.

Natalia:        Shh.

Tez:              [startled] What in the Sam fuck was that?

General Typhoon:      [frantic] Shh, shh, shh!

WapWap:          [fearful] Oh no!

Natalia:        If you would shut up, maybe we could find out.

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Nellie.

Jessica:          Yes?

Sage:            Roll me Command.

Jessica:          Mm.

Sage:            This is a Legendary action.

Jessica:          Oh, Lord.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Ooo! I rolled an 8.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Oh my god! [stifles laughter]

[Jessica chuckles. Emily snaps her fingers.]

Emily:          Yeah, girl.

Sage:            Right in the nick of time, Nellie looks down and quickly snaps to her ankle. There’s this off putting, yellow, crusty, tiny, little creature going for her leg.

Nellie:           Ah!

Sage:            And she kicks it!

[She punts the creature and it sails through the air.]

Nellie:           Get off me, ya little…

General Typhoon:      [frantic] Bug! Bug!

Sage:            It bursts into a million pieces!

[The creature pops into a cloud of dust.]

Nellie:           What in sam hell?

Tez:              Now I just wanna make it clear that we did not know its intention, and I think that next time we could do with maybe, you know, giving it a chance to state its case.

General Typhoon:      It’s a trap! What the hell have you brought us down in here for?!

Tez:              I don’t- well, first off, you brought me- you brought myself and WapWap down here.

WapWap:          Yeah. What the- seriously. You took our guns!

General Typhoon:      Details! Details.

[Stat test chime. Legendary beep.]

Sage:            Everyone else is going to roll Legendary Combat.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          So I got an 8.

[Success chime.]

Emily:          I got 7. Should I roll again?

Sage:            Roll again!

Emily:          I got a fucking 8! [chuckles] I’m not kidding.

[Success chime.]

Jessica:          Oh my lord!

Sage:            There it is! And what about Typhoon?

David:           I got a 9.

[Success chime.]

[Laughter.]

Travis:          [amused] Jesus…

Sage:            [chuckles] Wow!

Emily:          Sorry we just are- roll good. [chuckles]

Jessica:          Oh well j- don’t speak so soon.

Emily:          I- I know [chuckles].

Sage:            Nellie is right, because [sighs] WapWap failed.

[Failure chime.]

WapWap:          Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

Nellie:           [worried] WapWap.

WapWap:          Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Ahh! Ahhh!

Tez:              WapWap. WapWap, stay still. Stay still.

General Typhoon:      There’s nothin’ we can do for him. There’s nothin’ we can do for him! He’s gone now!

Natalia:        I don’t have a clear shot.

Tez:              He’s my companion.

WapWap:          Quiiiiick!

General Typhoon:      Let me put him out of his misery!

WapWap:          I’m already losing health!

General Typhoon:      Let me put him out of his misery!

[Normal beep. Stat test chime.]

Travis:          I got a 6.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            WapWap, lost a lot o’ health. Down to 4 points.

Nellie:           Oh. Poor little soccer ball.

Sage:            But!

Tez:              Wa- come here- get off of him—

[Tez grabs the creature.]

Get off of him!

[Tez flies into a rage.]

WapWap:          Ah! Ah!

[Tez kills the creature and lets out a deep, angry scream.]

[Stifled laughter.]

General Typhoon:      Quick, get him a med pack!

Nellie:           Oh my…

General Typhoon:      Get him a med pack!

[Tez pants as he calms down.]

Nellie:           That just came outta him.

[WapWap sighs and pants in relief.]

Tez:              Sorry, Wa- WapWap, are you okay? Look at me. Look at me. Do you need…

What can I do for you?

WapWap:          Oh god. Without my face- it almost ripped my- my- my- my mask off. [sighs in relief]

Tez:              I gotta be honest, you look like you’re hurtin’ pretty bad, but I’m telling you, as soon as we can overthrow the Covenant government, the care we’re gonna have for you is gonna unprecedented.

General Typhoon:      Alright well we gotta find a way through here.

Nellie:           What the heck was that on my leg?

Tez:              I don’t know. But I have a very dark and upsetting feeling that may be key to why this gun exists in the first place.

WapWap:          [worried] Oh no.

Nellie:           So what d’we do?

Natalia:        We keep moving forward. And we kill anything that gets in the way.

[Dark, scary music crescendos and fades.]

AD BREAK

[Radio clicks on.]

Kristin Couture:    We’ll be right back after these messages.

[Radio crackles off.]

[Action music.]

Tez:              People of Earth, hello! I am Tez ’Tunam, and this is my campaign manager, WapWap.

WapWap:          Hello!

Tez:              We’re here to thank a very special group of people. The newest Patrons on 20 Sided Stories!

WapWap:          Yay!

Tez:              Hooray indeed. They are

Corwin Ravenwood

WapWap:          Esur!

Tez:              Amy Vu

WapWap:          Vanilla Bryce

Tez:              Dan O'Reilly

WapWap:          Ryan Dean Hass

Tez:              Cayenne Smith

WapWap:          And Ryan Kirby

Tez:              I cannot stress enough how much it means to have your individual contributions going to support a campaign such as ours. Now if you wish to give a little more, and perhaps get something in return, I’ll have you know we opened up a brand new merchandise store!

WapWap:          Whoo!

Tez:              If you go to 20sidedstories.com/merch you’ll find all sorts of things!

WapWap:          You can get stickers! You can get magnets! You can get masks! I wear a mask. It’s to breath, but I think you need one to be safe too, right?

Tez:              100% It’s a disaster out there. Now, if you cannot give anything, if your pockets are empty, that is okay. You can still support the movement. You may come and join our brand new Discord server.

WapWap:          Discord!

Tez:              Get on the computing machine and go to the link in this episode description, and it takes you to the 20 Sided Stories Discord, where you can have free conversation with people who listen to the show just like you. Universal, positive conversation.

WapWap:          I haven’t even been bullied yet! It’s great!

Tez:              And lastly, people of Earth, congratulations on your most recent election!

WapWap:          Whoo hoo! Democracy!

Tez:              Democracy is a beautiful thing! And I hope you know this is just the beginning. A movement such as this needs your effort and your help each and every day. So get involved. Get out there.

WapWap:          Never quit! Never surrender!

Tez:              Yes.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Very good.

[Radio switches off.]

Halo: Combat Evolved - Part II

[Suspenseful music. The group continues walking through the abandoned structure. Nellie sighs.]

Natalia:        [quiet, calls out] Tony? Tony?

General Typhoon:      Rookie Tony!

Nellie:           [quiet] Again, General, you can’t be so loud.

Tez:              Don’t you know that, in my home planet, they have a saying ca—

General Typhoon:      I don’t know shit about yer home planet! Stop talkin’ ’bout yer home planet! This is our planet now!

Nellie:           Typical.

Tez:              Just tryin’a make a point, but that’s fine.

WapWap:          Are we ever gonna get off?

Tez:              WapWap, we’re gonna be just fine. Don’t worry.

WapWap:          I really wanna go back to my home world of Balaho.

Tez:              It’s a fine place. I’ve heard great things. I can’t wait to go there one day.

General Typhoon:      WapWap.

Nellie:           Sounds wonderful.

General Typhoon:      WapWap, I’m gonna be frank with ya. Uh, I don’t think you’re gonna make it.

[Laughter.]

Tez:              You can’t say that—

WapWap:          What?!

General Typhoon:      I call ’em as I see ’em.

Tez:              You can’t say that to him!

General Typhoon:      I’m a general!

Tez:              He’s got the—

General Typhoon:      I’m a general! I just call ’em like I sees ’em!

Tez:              He has a fragile—

WapWap:          Nooooohohoho!

Tez:              He has a fragile disposition.

Nellie:           WapWap- WapWap—

Tez:              He has a fragile disposition.

General Typhoon:      Oh, I’m the one who’s too loud?!

[WapWap sobs.]

Tez:              WapWap, WapWap—

General Typhoon:      I’m the one who’s too loud and he’s the one over here screamin’ his fool head off.

Tez:              You don’t—

[WapWap sniffles and squeals in dismay.]

I think we need- all need to- we all could do with taking a breath and maybe being considerate of those of us in the party who have fragile dispositions, alright?

Nellie:           I- I agree. I totally agree with you.

Natalia:        This would all be better if everybody shut up.

Nellie:           Mm-hmm.

Tez:              I- I promise to speak less.

General Typhoon:      Where does the trail of blood lead off to?

Sage:            And then!

[Startling shriek!]

[General Typhoon and Nellie gasp.]

Right there…a figure…at the edge of this trail of blood. Where the red starts becoming yellow…

[Nellie gasps quietly. The figure chitters.]

Natalia:        [wary] Tony?

Sage:            The silhouette turns around slowly.

[Creature chitters.]

It’s deformed.

[Nellie gasps in horror.]

There are limbs protruding from spots it shouldn’t. The head of Rookie Tony is dangling down in front.

Nellie:           Oh…

Sage:            You can’t even tell where the eyes are.

Tez:              Now, I’m not one to make judgements at first sights, I don’t believe in it, but can you tell me, did your friend always look like this? ’Cause it’s seems—

Nellie:           [tearful] No.

Tez:              Okay.

Nellie:           He didn’t.

Natalia:        I’m going to shoot it. Dat is not Tony, and it is going to die.

[General Typhoon quickly lifts his gun.]

General Typhoon:      It’s a abomination!

[The creature growls.]

Roll Combat! Pistol!

[Heroic beep.]

Sage:            Heroic action.

David:           Alright, I got a 9!

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Boom, headshot! Rookie Tony is taken out.

[Nellie sighs in shock. The creature collapses and she starts crying.]

Natalia:        It was a mercy killing.

Tez:              My condolences.

Nellie:           I was in love with him.

[Sage chuckles.]

[Nellie cries.]

Tez:              Oh…

General Typhoon:      Dammit all to hell!

Nellie:           [tearful] I never told ’im!

Sage:            And then, like a swarm…the silhouette, where it once stood, becomes a cloud. Growing as they step into the light.

Natalia:        Well, I guess you can profess your love to whatever that is.

[Horror music begins to build. Creatures chitter.]

Sage:            You see it form, and it becomes clearer. Dozens of little spores, grotesque humans and Covenant, and they’re coming right for you.

General Typhoon:      They’re comin’ right for us!

[Nellie screams.]

Quick!

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

[General Typhoon and Natalia open fire on the creatures.]

Sage:            Everybody roll me Combat, Legendary action.

Jessica:          Fuck. Mm. I got a 3.

[Failure chime.]

Emily:          4.

[Failure chime.]

Travis:          3.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            WapWap a 3.

[Failure chime.]

[Jessica sighs sadly.]

And General Typhoon?

David:           5.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Oh no!

[Gunfire continues.]

General Typhoon:      There’s too many of ’em!

Sage:            They come in closer.

Natalia:        Shit!

Sage:            They start going at your ankles and biting you.

General Typhoon:      AH!

Natalia:        Shit!

Nellie:           Ah!

[Gunfire continues.]

Aw, ow, ow!

Natalia:        Retreat. Retreat!

Tez:              We need to get out of here. We need to get out of here, we need to regroup.

General Typhoon:      We need to get the hell- we never should’ve come here!

Nellie:           [tearful] Oh. Tony. Tony!

General Typhoon:      We never should’a come here!

[Running footsteps.]

Sage:            Everybody starts retreating out of the base from whence they came, but they can’t find the exit! Then you hear poor WapWap!

Tez:              WapWap!

[WapWap sobs and his voice grows distant.]

No!

General Typhoon:      Let ’im go!

Tez:              WapWap!

General Typhoon:      Let ’im go!

WapWap:          [fading] I just wanted to go home! Don’t leave me, please!

General Typhoon:      I called ’em like I see’d ’em!

Natalia:        We have to go! We cannot go back for anybody!

Sage:            And as you get further away, WapWap is left behind. Lost and alone amidst this dark labyrinth of identical hallways. You have all lost health, and the Flood is pursuing you.

Tez:              This is exactly my problem with everybody’s obsession with the military government! It’s always shoot first, and diplomacy not—

[Everyone starts frantically talking over each other.]

General Typhoon:      This is not exactly your problem! This is zombies, it’s your problem. This is not exactly your problem! This is zombies.

Tez:              [stammers] We need to get out of here. Let’s get out of here we’ll discuss it—

General Typhoon:      We’re the fuck is the exit here?!

Tez:              We’ll discuss it—

Nellie:           Hail Mary full of grace—

Tez:              We will discuss it later.

Nellie:           —the Lord is with thee.

[Heroic beep. stat test chime.]

Sage:            Everybody roll me Command, a Heroic action, to see if you can find your way out of this dark base.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          3.

[Failure chime.]

David:           6.

[Failure chime.]

Travis:          6.

[Failure chime.]

Emily:          10.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Everybody’s lost.

[Nellie wails pitifully.]

But, luckily, Natalia sees… [gasps]

Natalia:        That way! Th-there’s a hallway. Over there. Go, go, go, go, go!

Tez:              Good god.

Natalia:        Quickly!

Tez:              How was anybody supposed to find that?

General Typhoon:      There’s little triangles on the floor!

Tez:              They don’t point in the right direction!

General Typhoon:      We should’a been following these little triangles on the floor this whole time!

Tez:              They're not pointing in the right direction!

General Typhoon:      Ahhhhh!

Tez:              The triangles are a fucking lie and everyone knows it!

Natalia:        Follow the sound of my melodious voice.

Sage:            Following the arrows on the floor, they go through a doorway and then it shuts!

[Door slams shut. Music halts. Nellie and Tez pant.]

They are safe—

Tez:              Good god.

Sage:            —from these monstrosities for now. But not for long.

[Dark, suspenseful music.]

Nellie:           [fearful] Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.

Tez:              That is exactly what I think the gun was meant to destroy.

Nellie:           [tearful] Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, at the hour. Amen.

Natalia:        Nellie, if you do not stop that, I will have to hit you.

Nellie:           Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. This is my—

General Typhoon:      Nellie, stand up. Nellie- Nellie- Nellie- Nellie. Nellie!

[Nellie sobs and continues praying.]

Tez:              She has a right to practice her faith. everyone has a right to practice whatever faith- whatever makes them feel better. We do not need to suppress anybody’s ambitions.

General Typhoon:      We’re gonna have to shake her. Just grab her and shake her. Just- just grab her and shake her.

Emily:          Can I slap her?

[Easy beep. Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Natalia, roll for Combat. You want to roll low. This is an Easy action.

General Typhoon:      I’d do it, but I’m a Christian man.

Emily:          3.

Sage:            3.

[Success chime.]

Oooo! [chuckles]

[SLAP!]

Nellie:           Ahh!

Sage:            [stifles laughter] -2 Health from Nellie.

[Nellie takes a deep, tearful breath.]

Emily:          [amused] Oh no!

Travis:          Wow!

Nellie:           [tearful] Oh my god.

Natalia:        She was having a panic attack. What was I supposed to do?

Nellie:           [tearful] Natalia. [sobs] How could you do that to me?

Natalia:        It’s still Major, but I’ll forgive it this time.

General Typhoon:      You were caught up in the Spirit. [David stifles laughter] The Spirit had ya!

Nellie:           I’m not meant for this world. I’m not supposed to be here. Honey…

[She begins hyperventilating.]

Tez:              Look at me. Look at me, look at me.

Nellie:           Okay. I’m lookin’ at you.

Tez:              None of us are supposed to be here. This is—

[Nellie moans.]

This is a fool's errand. This is all a huge misunderstanding. And the work of religious zealots and maniacs. If we work together, we can make it through this. We can make a better world for all of us. A better galaxy for every species.

[Nellie takes calming breaths.]

I promise we’re gonna be okay.

Nellie:           [sighs] Thank you, Tez.

[Something hums and sings as it approaches.]

Tez:              What in the Sam fuck is that noise?

General Typhoon:      That’s creepy.

Natalia:        Vhat was that?

Sage:            You hear an echoing voice, robotic sounding.

General Typhoon:      It’s Siri!

[Sage chuckles.]

Tez:              What is a Sir- what- what- what’s that?

General Typhoon:      It’s a long story, brother. Don’t even worry about it.

[Chuckling.]

Natalia:        Hello? Some’zing there?

Sage:            You look up, and there’s this orb floating above you.

Orb:         Oh! Yes. Hello.

Natalia:        Ah! It Roomba with wing.

Orb:         Mm! Reclaimers.

Natalia:        W-what?

General Typhoon:      Huh?

Orb:         Are you lost?

General Typhoon:      Yeah.

Tez:              Absolutely.

Orb:         Hmm. Very curious. Let me think. It appears that your kind has abandoned you.

General Typhoon:      [sarcastic] Thanks.

[Sage snickers.]

Natalia:        That is one way to put it.

Nellie:           We’re as lost as an egg on Easter, so help us out here.

Tez:              Excuse me, who- who are you exactly and what is your business here on this, uh, ring world? You look like you inhabit natively, and I respect your culture and your right to be here. We’re not trying to—

General Typhoon:      What culture?! He’s a robot! What is it with you and culture all the time?!

Tez:              There's nothing- there’s no- there's no- nothing that says—

General Typhoon:      Dios mio!

Tez:              —that robots can’t have culture. It’s not my- you- every- not everything has to be—

General Typhoon:      Hold on. Hold on! Do you have culture?

Orb:         I am not sure what you mean. But you may call me 343 Guilty Spark. I am the monitor of this installation.

General Typhoon:      You see?! He doesn’t got culture worth a shit! You’re just full of it—

Natalia:        You said that you have met other Reclaimers before.

343 Guilty Spark:        Oh, yes.

Natalia:        Vhat do you mean?

343 Guilty Spark:        I assisted, and was assisted by, the one you call John 117. The Master Chief.

[Nellie and General Typhoon gasp.]

Nellie:           Oh!

General Typhoon:      [awed] Dude, can you gimme his autograph?

343 Guilty Spark:        I’m afraid that’s outside of my protocol.

General Typhoon:      Damn.

Natalia:        Is John coming to save us or are we fucked?

343 Guilty Spark:        The Reclaimer is on his way off the ring as we speak. He made no mention of you.

[Nellie gasps.]

General Typhoon:      Damn.

Tez:              This is why we refer to him as “The Demon”. Nothing but bloodshed and despair in his wake.

General Typhoon:      Navi, how d’we get outta here?

343 Guilty Spark:        Hmm. I believe there is an exit nearby. I noticed an M12 Force Application Vehicle outside. Your kind uses it to travel in groups of three.

Nellie:           [gasps] A Warthog?

343 Guilty Spark:        Indeed.

Nellie:           Oh, those are so fun. They’re like little go karts!

General Typhoon:      They’re like big go karts.

Nellie:           Oh, they’re like big go—

General Typhoon:      There you go.

Nellie:           They’re like big—

343 Guilty Spark:        They are rather large.

Nellie:           They’re big kid- I meant to say they’re like big kid- they remind me o’ little go karts like when I was a kid, but they’re bigger for adult size. So it’s- it’s like a little g- go kart, but for me now. Now that I’m big.

[Sage snickers.]

343 Guilty Spark:        Nice save.

Natalia:        And they have gun.

General Typhoon:      You heard ’er, Tinker Bell! Get us the hell outta here, we don’t care how dangerous it is!

343 Guilty Spark:        Very well! Right this way.

[343 Guilty Spark hums away. Moody, spiritual music plays.]

Sage:            And he opens a locked door. You walk through many repeating corridors, seemingly endless. Eerie, low hums reverberate around the sacred walls, littered neatly with strange technology and engraved metal. Aged 100,000 years old at least.

A confusing dread. Alive but empty. It’s as if walking through an ancient tomb.

Tez:              Excuse me. Excuse me, Monitor.

343 Guilty Spark:        Yes?

Tez:              I- I can’t help but ask if these relics that we are ser- currently walking through are that of Forerunner, uh, design and ingenuity?

343 Guilty Spark:        Ah, yes, of course! My creators.

Tez:              I knew it. So this is- this is a Forerunner-built world that we’re on, correct?

343 Guilty Spark:        One of many, yes.

Tez:              One of many? Okay so am I correct in assuming that this, that we are on, is not in fact the key to transcendence to the next life as the Covenant has so declared, but is in fact a weapon of mass destruction?

343 Guilty Spark:        The installation was well-conceived. It is surely the only way to stop the Flood threat. A dam if you will.

Tez:              Okay, I do not know what that means.

343 Guilty Spark:        Once activated, it will starve the Flood of food, and therefore eradicate their entire population. Over time, of course.

Tez:              Is the Flood- is that the little things that we- that we had on us with the—

343 Guilty Spark:        That is correct. Your kind might refer to them as crusty zombies.

Tez:              Okay. That sounds good. I don’t know how the wires got crossed and we decided that was our holy grail, but that’s fine. Whatever. We’ll figure it out.

343 Guilty Spark:        Yes. The Covenant seems very confused.

Tez:              You don’t know the half of it.

Nellie:           [burps] I’m so nervous.

General Typhoon:      We’re gonna have ta blow this thing up. That’s the only way outta this.

343 Guilty Spark:        Mm. Unfortunate. That is the same conclusion your Reclaimer Master Chief came to. I’m afraid we cannot allow that to happen.

General Typhoon:      What a minute. Master Chief’s gonna try ta blow up this ring? We can’t let that happen. If anybody can do that, it’s him!

Tez:              Well does it—

General Typhoon:      He got so pissed at- one time at a McDonalds, [stammers] tore a soda machine outta the wall!

Nellie:           What are you… Okay.

Tez:              That’s ridiculous, though—

Natalia:        As much as I like big guns, I don’t necessarily want to die on big exploding gun. So perhaps it is better that we get off of said gun.

343 Guilty Spark:        Oh, you could try. Of course, as I said, I’m leading you to an exit. Give it your best shot, but I’m gonna go over there and stop Master Chief in just a couple of minutes.

Nellie:           Well, well—

343 Guilty Spark:        And after we’re done, I will be activating the ring-

Nellie:           Na- no—

343 Guilty Spark:        —and starving the flood of all food.

Nellie:           Well, I’m sorry—

Natalia:        All of this is bad.

Nellie:           You want to destroy all life?

343 Guilty Spark:        Installation 04 has a maximum effective radius of 2500 light years. Once fired, all life within that zone will be eradicated.

Tez:              By that logic it doesn’t matter whether we stay or we go. So by that- so with that, we should stay and do our best to—

General Typhoon:      Tesla!

Tez:              What?

General Typhoon:      This is not about logic! Stop it with the stoicism and the zen and the warrior code. We need ta get the hell off this thing before it burns down with all of us on it!

Tez:              Well ma- what makes you so sure Master Chief is gonna be able to achieve this lofty goal of being a single man and exploding an entire intergalactic space weapon?

General Typhoon:      Because he’s an Earthling! Dipshit.

[Sage and Travis chuckle.]

Nellie:           And he’s our Lord and savior.

General Typhoon:      Damn right.

Natalia:        I heard he has accomplished many things, and I’m sure he’s capable of blowing up space ring.

Tez:              I can do nothing but respect the democratic process. By this measure, we must leave.

[Sage laughs.]

Sage:            The monitor opens a door for you all, and suddenly…snow.

[Gentle music; a rendition of “Under Cover of Night”.]

As far as the eye can see. A complete change in biome. You’ve only been walking for about an hour, and yet it’s as if you’re in a completely different part of the ring.

Nellie:           [awed] Oh my god. It’s like walkin’ in a Christmas movie. I’ve always wanted to be around snow.

Tez:              I keep saying that the climates in the- throughout the galaxy are erratic! The amount of- of- of damage we are doing to the interstellar climate is absolutely abhorrent and it’s the- the evidence is right—

General Typhoon:      This isn’t even a real planet, goddammit!

343 Guilty Spark:        [singing over them] Hmmmmmmmmm!

Tez:              It behaves the same! The effects are still absolutely evident!

General Typhoon:      You’re talkin’ about- what’re you talkin’ about? If it—

343 Guilty Spark:        [cheery] Shut up! If you care to leave the ring before it’s activation or destruction, either way you’re probably going to die, but at the other side of this canyon, I did see an aerial vehicle. Just on the other side of all that warfare.

Sage:            And you look. Covenant fighting flood, fighting humans.

Nellie:           Uh…oh…

General Typhoon:      Hey it’s those assholes who left us behind.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Natalia:        Maybe we can just run through it fast enough that nobody will see us.

General Typhoon:      Look, I’ve been in my share o’ three ways, and I gotta tell you the best way through is to just get that done as quickly as possible.

Nellie:           Did you just say that you’ve been in a threesome?

General Typhoon:      It’s three ways. It’s the Covenant, it’s the Flood, and the humans. That’s what is- what did you think I meant?

Nellie:           You’ve had sex with the Covenant and the Flood?

General Typhoon:      Not yet I haven’t.

[Stifled laughter.]

343 Guilty Spark:        As mentioned, I noticed a Dropship 77-Troop Carrier on the other side of this snowy canyon. There is a Warthog over there, and a Ghost over there. You may have just enough time to get to the other side. Best of luck. I’m afraid I have other matters to attend to.

Nellie:           You’re not gonna come with us?

343 Guilty Spark:        Absolutely not. Your Reclaimer is attempting to blow up the Installation, and I must go do my due diligence and stop him and activate the ring to stop the Flood.

Natalia:        Okay, bye.

343 Guilty Spark:        Ta ta!

Sage:            [amused] And the monitor literally vanishes in front of you with a yellow, teleporty beam.

Natalia:        Das Vedanya.

Tez:              WapWap would love to see that.

[Nellie sighs.]

WapWap loved magic tricks.

Nellie:           I miss that little WapWap.

[Combat in the background.]

Natalia:        Should we maybe have shot that guy?

Tez:              As a noted pacifist, my gut reaction is to say no we should not have. But it appears that one of two things is going to happen. Either this ring is going to explode or it’s going to be fired. Regardless, it’s probably paramount that we leave now.

General Typhoon:      Okay, Timberland, you’re gonna have to take that Ghost and cover us while we drive on over to that spaceship and get the hell outta here.

Tez:              I’m sorry, what did you call me?

General Typhoon:      I don’t know your name!

Tez:              My name is Tez ’Tunam! Names are extremely important in sangheili culture. It is all we have. The fact that you humans have designated us as something called “Elites” is an absolute disgrace and insult to our culture!

General Typhoon:      Are you gonna guard us in the Ghost or are you not?

Tez:              I’m gonna guard you in the Ghost! I’m going to the Ghost!

Sage:            And everyone straps in.

[A piano chord; Action-packed “Halo Theme” begins.]

[Footsteps on snow as they enter the vehicles.]

General Typhoon:      I got- I got the minigun on top. Who’s drivin’?

Natalia:        I’m driving. I don’t trust either of you.

Nellie:           I call passenger. But I just gotta say, this Warthog is not lookin’ in tiptop shape.

General Typhoon:      Don’t hit anything.

[Vehicles rev up.]

Natalia:        Let’s ride this baby ’til she dies! How ’bout it?

General Typhoon:      Whooooo!

Nellie:           Let’s- let’s avoid swervin’ as much as we can. I get really motion sick, and I do not feel like vomitin’ on anybody tonight.

General Typhoon:      Punch it!

[Natalia slams her foot on the accelerator.]

Gas, gas, gas, gas, gas!

[Nellie makes nauseous noises. Engine and driving sounds throughout.]

Sage:            We begin driving through a warfare of UNSC forces, Covenant forces, and Flood infantry!

General Typhoon:      Get some!

[Sage chuckles.]

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Alright.

David:           I got 11!

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Damn!

General Typhoon:      I’m gonna fry you up like hog bacon!

Nellie:           [taunting] You better give your heart to Jesus, 'cause your ass is his!

[Travis laughs.]

General Typhoon:      [amused] Nice!

Natalia:        [amused] Yes!

General Typhoon:      [amused] Nice.

Sage:            But then there’s a Wraith. A big, blue tank, and it’s firing right at you!

Nellie:           Ahhhhh!

General Typhoon:      AHHHHHH!

Tez:              Ahhh!

[General Typhoon fires on the tank.]

Sage:            Boom! A big blue explosion.

[Nellie sighs in relief.]

General Typhoon has taken it out.

General Typhoon:      Yeeeehaaaw!

Natalia:        Nice one.

Sage:            Tez pulls up, riding on the side of them in the Ghost.

Tez:              That was a completely unnecessary act of violence!

General Typhoon:      Shut up and fire those things!

Nellie:           You gotta admit that there’s a little thrill in this. Ooo! I’m gettin’ my goose all loosened up.

Sage:            [gasp] A spore lands in the passenger seat on Nellie’s lap! Nellie, roll Legendary Combat!

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

Nellie:           Ahh!

General Typhoon:      AhhH!

Jessica:          Oh god. I got a 3.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Oh no! It’s nibbling on you!

Nellie:           Ow!

Sage:            -2 Health!

Natalia:        Hold on, I’ll take it for sharp turn.

[Sage snickers.]

Nellie:           Ow!

Sage:            Ooo, alright.

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

Emily:          9.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Nice! You’re able to throw it off right in time.

Nellie:           Oh, thank heavens.

Sage:            And you also cut off Tez! Who is coming right at you, about to T-bone you with the Ghost!

Nellie:           Oh.

General Typhoon:      Ahhh!

Natalia:        Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Sage:            Tez, roll me Command!

[Heroic beep. Stat test chime.]

Tez:              God dammit, learn to use your goddamn blinker!

Travis:          7.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Wow! I need to make this game fucking harder [chuckles]. The two vehicles are about to collide, but then Tez is able to just... whoop!

[The Ghost revs up and jumps over the Warthog.]

[chuckles] Right over the Warthog!

[Nellie groans sickly.]

But! Nellie is not feeling well.

[She groans again.]

Natalia:        If you throw up on me, I will kill you.

General Typhoon:      Nellie, what the hell is wrong with you? Get her a med pack!

Nellie:           You used all of my medpacks.

General Typhoon:      Dammit. What’ve I done? What have I done?!

Sage:            What our heroes don’t see is they are heading straight for a Flood carrier form.

Travis:          That sucks.

Sage:            They’re like these big, walking sacks and they explode into dozens of little spores.

Jessica:          [worried] Oh.

Sage:            They’re going right for it and if it gets the chance, it’s gonna flop on the ground and blow up. Unless Tez…

[Heroic beep. Stat test chime.]

Can shoot it down in time. Roll me Combat, Tez. Heroic.

General Typhoon:      Get that walking scrot out of our way! [David stifles laughter]

Tez:              War is not the first answer, but it is certainly an answer.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          Natural 7.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            [gasps] Roll again.

Jessica:          [pleased] Fuck.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          Natural 7!

[Success chime.]

Sage:            [gasps] Roll again!

Travis:          That time I got a 6.

[Success chime.]

Game Voice:        Double kill.

[Tez fires. Explosion! Guitar solo shreds in the background.]

Sage:            The Flood carrier form blows up before the Warthog can get in front of it. And there’s another one right behind it, but then boom!

[Tez fires again. Another explosion!]

Tez is able to blow it up.

Tez:              I was always for a strong military, just with more civic industry!

[Action music mellows, tribal drums continue to pound.]

General Typhoon:      Hold on, Nellie! Only a little bit further!

Nellie:           [gasps] Alright, sir. I’m holdin’ on for the team.

[She starts breathing to calm herself]

Sage:            And then right there, a Pelican! A small UNSC plane, down but operable.

General Typhoon:      It’s a whirly bird! I know all about whirly birds! Nellie, we gotta get into that thing, now!

Sage:            But then, almost as if it’s defending your one means of escape, a Banshee, a Covenant aerial vehicle, is coming in. And it’s coming right for you, fast and low!

General Typhoon:      Natalia, do you have any sticky grenades on ya?

Natalia:        Vone.

General Typhoon:      Maybe we, uh, maybe we wanna give the Covenant—

Natalia:        Yes, yes. Now is that time. I know, I know. I’m going to try to explode the giant sky penis!

Sage:            Mm. Alright.

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Emily:          Yeah. That’s a no [chuckles].

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            [gasps] Oh no.

[Natalia chucks the grenade. Several airy whooshes.]

It does a Banshee trick…

Natalia:        Shit!

Sage:            And dodges.

General Typhoon:      Dammit they didn’t have Banshee tricks until the second one.

[Sage laughs.]

Dammit!

Sage:            Shut up! [chuckles]

Tez:              Well, I hate to use this, but I have a sticky grenade of my own, and I am—

[He pulls it out and holds it up.]

And I am—

Natalia:        Throw it!

General Typhoon:      Throw it! No time for speeches!

Tez:              —much more familiar—

Natalia:        Throw the grenade!

Tez:              Well it’s just that I think that we all should give a second to recognize the folly of this military conflict.

Nellie:           Just let ’im speak. There’s somethin’ about ’im talkin’ that makes me feel better just a little bit.

General Typhoon:      Just throw the grenade!

[Sage chuckles.]

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          Okay, how does a 2 sound? [amused] What does that get me?

[Failure chime.]

[Dreadful “oofs” from everyone.]

Sage:            Tez looks and he’s about to throw the grenade, and he sees the feet dangling from the Banshee. It’s not an Elite driving that Banshee.

Tez:              They let an Unggoy drive the Banshee? That’s such- that’s such a progressive stance to take. That’s such- that’s such a sign of respect that they’ve shown.

Natalia:        We are all going to die!

Tez:              You know on the homeworld, they had- they had a saying called Hwa Kwa Unggoy—

General Typhoon:      Stay with us Tiananmen. Stay with us.

Sage:            And the grenade that’s been in his hand blows up!

Nellie:           Tez!

[Tez screams and the grenade explodes.]

Sage:            A Legendary feat. Tez ’Tunam…

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

Roll to survive.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          I got an 8, so suck my dick.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            What?! [chuckles]

Travis:          You cannot kill the movement.

[Sage and Jessica chuckle and clap.]

he movement is too big. It is too strong. We are too many.

Sage:            Tez goes flying!

[Tez screams, sailing through the air.]

And then falls to the snowy floor.

Nellie:           Ugh.

General Typhoon:      No wonder they kicked you outta the army.

Sage:            Tez is fine for now, but that Banshee’s still flying around. The marines need to roll me Combat.

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

Jessica:          I got a 5.

[Failure chime.]

Emily:          5.

[Failure chime.]

[Sage sighs.]

Jessica:          Slim pickin’s.

Sage:            Wait, what did Typhoon get?

David:           12.

[Success chime.]

[Laughter.]

Sage:            Well. The Banshee turns around and fires on the Warthog very quickly.

[The Banshee fires its lasers. Bloody impact. Nellie grunts.]

Nellie gets shot.

Nellie:           Ahh.

General Typhoon:      Nellie!

Natalia:        Shit!

Sage:            Natalia also gets hit.

[The Banshee fires again. Natalia grunts.]

Natalia:        Ah, fuck!

Sage:            She’ll be fine. But Nellie, not so much.

Nellie:           I think I’m seein’ the Light.

General Typhoon:      Nellie, no! Stay with us! Nellie! No, Nellie!

Sage:            Meanwhile, General Typhoon is just sitting alone in that turret, firing on as many enemies as possible!

[The turret cocks and fires rapidly. General Typhoon screams throughout.]

With that 12 he’s able to clear the entire battlefield, including the Banshee!

[The turret stops firing and lets out smoke. The Banshee explodes and crashes.]

General Typhoon:      Aaaggh!

Natalia:        Nellie, put pressure on wound.

Nellie:           I know. I’m a medic, I- [gasps] but I think my time has come. But I- I have all my faith in you.

General Typhoon:      No, Nellie! Stay with us!

[He jumps off the Warthog and hurries over to the passenger seat.]

Nellie, I’ll give you my blood!

[Stifled laughter.]

Quick, gimme some tubes and- and shit. Y’know like they did in Mad Max. Take my blood!

Sage:            Tez crawls over through the snow and joins them.

Tez:              Oh no. Oh no, I’m so- what- are you okay?

Nellie:           I’m dyin’ there.

General Typhoon:      Jimmy! How d’you Elites- how do you cure yourselves?

Natalia:        Nellie, do you want me to end it for you?

General Typhoon:      [angry] Not yet!

Tez:              We- we have, uh, shielding on our armor, so I only took maybe- I mean, I’m hurt for certain, but not as much as I would’ve been had I not had a generous overshield.

General Typhoon:      Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit. No! I can’t lose another one. It’s like WapWap all over again!

Tez:              Uh do- do you have a- a- maybe a, uh, uh…

Nellie:           We don’t have any more health packs ’cause the General kept jumpin’ off the ship and I kept havin’ to heal him. And I would’a been alive right now if I didn’t get slapped.

General Typhoon:      Well if I had known… Aw, man!

Tez:              Hold on. Wait, wait. There are many humans here. They were in the field. I do not- I do not know where they’ve gone, but one of them somewhere must’ve had to have a health pack maybe in a corner. Maybe behind a tree.

Natalia:        The Pelican.

Tez:              The what?

Natalia:        Th-there are health packs.

Tez:              Okay, what is a Pelican?

General Typhoon:      A pelican is a bird. It’s an aquatic bird. It holds food in it’s- in its beak.

Tez:              If we find it, we can capture it.

[Sage snickers.]

And we can get the health packs from the pelican.

Nellie:           You better act quick, son, ’cause I’m seein’ Jesus Christ right in front o’ me, and I wanna be right in his arms.

General Typhoon:      Go away, Jesus! No, Jesus, leave ’er! We need ’er for stuff!

Natalia:        Fine. I will go. I am going. I will go.

[They crunch through the snow.]

Sage:            We go to the back of the Pelican. Inside of the little- the little, uh, uh, uh- it’s not the cockpit, but it’s like—

General Typhoon:      It’s the lounge! Get ’er into the lounge!

[Sage chuckles.]

Sit ’er down here in the lounge real quick.

[Nellie moans in pain. They lay her down.]

Nellie:           Mama…mama…

Natalia:        [irked] Okay, please stop that. I will give you health pack.

[She grabs it from the wall and kneels next to Nellie.]

Nellie:           Oh okay.

Natalia:        Open wide.

Sage:            Rolling for Medicine.

[Legendary beep. Stat test chime.]

This is gonna take Intel.

[Jessica groans.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Emily:          Ya [chuckles]. That’s a 9.

[Success chime.]

[Relief from everyone. Nellie gasps as she’s healed.]

Sage:            Oh my god!

Nellie:           The flow of the breath of Jesus is my lungs.

Sage:            Natalia is able to patch up these wounds.

Natalia:        Okay, deep breath.

Sage:            And Nellie is feelin’ better.

Tez:              She sees a flash of white light, and there’s a sharp inhale.

Nellie:           Five seconds. Deep breath in.

Natalia:        You’re going to be fine.

Nellie:           Oh, thank you so much.

[Natalia closes the empty health pack.]

Natalia:        Don’t mention it.

General Typhoon:      Natalia, I need you to fly us outta here. Take command.

[Her suit creaks as she stands.]

Natalia:        Not much of a pilot. But I’m probably better than Rookie Tony was, so…

General Typhoon:      All I know is guns and swearin’. I don’t know anything about drivin’ this thing.

Natalia:        Alright, buckle up!

[They get in their seats. Buckles and rustling throughout.]

Tez:              Now I think it’s ridiculous that the Spartans are granted shields and that you are not. I think that’s completely unfair and unjust. Everybody who serves in the military should be gi—

General Typhoon:      Can we all take a vote about whether or not we’re leavin’ this guy behind?

[Travis chuckles.]

Nellie:           I want him with me!

General Typhoon:      Ah.

Nellie:           He is my comfort blanket.

General Typhoon:      [put out] Fair enough.

[Natalia flips some switches.]

Natalia:        Ah! Have not done this since training. Brings me back to good old days. We’re going out of here!

[The Pelican activates and its engines thrust.]

We’re going to be fine!

Sage:            And as the Pelican lifts off the ground, the snow bursting in all sorts of directions, we’re going higher and higher, exiting the snowy canyon. And then you see, outside of the cockpit of the Pelican, a voice. A small figure running towards you.

WapWap:          Wait!

[Emotional music.]

WapWap:          Wait! Waiiit! Waaiit!

Tez:              W-what? Is that… that can’t be…

Nellie:           Oh my god!

[Everyone begins speaking over each other.]

Natalia:        Oh.

Tez:              WapWap?

Natalia:        Did you hear that?

WapWap:          [distant] Don’t leave me!

Tez:              WapWap!

General Typhoon:      We’re not waiting.

WapWap:          [distant] Tez! Don’t!

[Nellie stammers.]

Tez:              We have- we have to- we have to go back!

General Typhoon:      No.

Nellie:           But he’s alive!

General Typhoon:      We gotta keep goin’.

Nellie:           He’s gonna die!

Natalia:        We cannot turn around.

WapWap:          [distant] I’m here! I made it!

Tez:              WapWap!

WapWap:          [distant] You would never believe!

General Typhoon:      It’s not- we can’t turn back now. We gotta go!

Tez:              We gotta do something!

General Typhoon:      Natalia, keep going!

Natalia:        We have to keep going. There is no other way.

General Typhoon:      Keep going!

WapWap:          [distant] Oh no! There’s two Hunters coming right this way!

Nellie:           Oh no. Gotta stop—

WapWap:          [distant] No! Guys!

Nellie:           We gotta hold on for- I can’t—

Natalia:        I’m going to pull up.

General Typhoon:      The ring has him.

Tez:              WapWap!

General Typhoon:      The ring has him! Just keep going.

Natalia:        Hold on.

Tez:              WapWaaaaap!

WapWap:          [distant, sobbing] Teeeez!

[Tez continues screaming as the Pelican exits the atmosphere.]

Sage:            And the Pelican, with Natalia driving, exits the atmosphere of the Halo ring.

Tez:              How could you leave him behind like that?! That’s absolutely- it’s und- da- it’s- this is unconscionable behavior.

Natalia:        We’d already left him for dead. What does it matter?

General Typhoon:      The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Tez:              I—

General Typhoon:      Isn't that your whole MO?

Tez:              Yeah, but I’ve- I’ve never really had it turned against me like this.

[The main Halo motif plays; soft and ambient.]

Sage:            And then Tez, in an emotional rage, looking out the window towards the Halo ring…

[Muffled vibrations.]

A huge flare of light.

[Nellie gasps.]

General Typhoon:      Oh shit.

Natalia:        Shit.

Sage:            A piece of the ring breaks off.

[Vibrations.]

Nellie:           Ah- oh…

Natalia:        He’s doing it.

Sage:            Flies through space, and hits the other end of the ring.

Nellie:           He did it.

Tez:              I am so sorry for your loss. We have all experienced great loss this day. Me, WapWap. You, your M-Master Chief. I’m so sorry. It’s- it- it consoles me that—

Natalia:        We don’t know that he’s dead. We know he blew up part of the ring.

Nellie:           He’s prob’ly still alive. He gonna—

Tez:              What? What d’you mean? How is he still alive? The piece—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Some- the ring—

Nellie:           He’ll rise again. He’ll ri—

General Typhoon:      He musta detonated the Pillar of Autumn's engines.

Nellie:           Yeah.

General Typhoon:      It’s the oldest trick in the book. He prob’ly caught a Sabre right outta there.

Nellie:           He will rise again.

General Typhoon:      Yeah.

Tez:              What?

Natalia:        He will probably be back.

Tez:              What is this guy’s deal?

[Sage snickers.]

I do not understand…

General Typhoon:      He read the manual. He read the manual, he knows what he’s doin’.

Sage:            And then.

[Rapid beeping from console.]

Natalia notices the Pelican, it appears to power off in a way.

Natalia:        [whispers] Shit. [quiet] Shit. [normal] Shit.

Sage:            She’s lost control.

General Typhoon:      What’s the matter?

[She flips some switches.]

Natalia:        Come on…

General Typhoon:      Fix it.

Natalia:        W-we’ve lo- we’re losing power.

General Typhoon:      Ah.

Natalia:        I don’t know why, but we’re losing power.

General Typhoon:      Jiggle the key.

Tez:              But what about the slip space engine? Can we—

Natalia:        Th-there is no- it’s a Pelican. There’s no slip space.

Tez:              I don’t- what?

Natalia:        No.

Tez:              We can’t- we can’t go through—

Natalia:        No. We are in floating coffin now that can only go so far.

Nellie, Typhoon:       Oh.

Tez:              I thought you were able to do interstellar travel. How did you get here if you can’t slip space?

General Typhoon:      We can. It’s just…

Natalia:        Well, we- we can just not this one.

General Typhoon:      Y’know. This is like a- this is like a Prius or somethin’, it- it doesn’t have it.

Natalia:        Let me try radio. See- see if anybody is there.

[She flips on the radio switch.]

Hello?

[Static crackles from the radio.]

Hello? This is Pelican 5954. Hello? We are in space.

Sage:            Nothing. No response. Just dust and echoes.

[Natalia flips off the radio.]

Natalia:        Well, it looks like…it’s just us.

[A beat. Gentle, sad music.]

General Typhoon:      Well shit buddy, I guess you were right. It didn’t matter if we got off that ring or not.

Tez:              Are we close to your homeworld? Is there- is there maybe a search part—

Natalia:        Mm.

General Typhoon:      Ohho, no. No.

Nellie:           No.

Natalia:        No.

General Typhoon:      Nah.

Natalia:        No.

Nellie:           We’ve never been.

General Typhoon:      No.

Tez:              You’ve never been to your homeworld?

Natalia:        To Earth? No, no.

[Beat.]

[Nellie sighs.]

General Typhoon:      I’m gonna- I’m- I’m gonna see what’s in the liquor cabinet.

[He unbuckles and walks off.]

Tez:              You know…I- I know this seems like grave circumstances and on one hand I’m…I’m truly sad that the movement that was looking to start didn’t reach its final goal and…it- it seems as that- I’m not gonna be able to see this through to the end, but despite my imessurable despair at our current circumstance, I am comforted by the fact that the movement will continue on without me.

[Beat.]

General Typhoon:      Natalia, is there a way you can turn off life support?

[Travis and Sage chuckle.]

Nellie:           Oh my god.

Natalia:        You could just drink yourself to death.

General Typhoon:      I wo- okay, fine.

[He plunks the bottle on the console.]

Have it your way.

Natalia:        But I call the Vodka.

General Typhoon:      Aye.

Nellie:           Oh, I’m moved to tears right now.

Tez:              Nellie?

Nellie:           Yeah?

Tez:              I really appreciate how kind you’ve been to me since—

Nellie:           Oh.

Tez:              —this moment when- I know we have only known each other for such a short time, but I feel a legitimate connection to you, which I know, between our two species—

Nellie:           What. Just—

Tez:              Okay. Let’s just—

Nellie:           Bring it in. Bring it in, big guy.

[They hug.]

Tez:              Alright, thank—

Nellie:           I’m so glad to know you and to die with you possibly.

General Typhoon:      Probably.

[Nellie cries quietly. She breaks off the hug with Tez and sits back down.]

Nellie:           Well, would anyone like to play a game o’ Go Fish?

Tez:              What is Go Fish?

[Sage snickers.]

Natalia:        You’re going to love it.

Nellie:           We got time for at least one game, right?

General Typhoon:      [chuckles] Hell. I think we’re just gettin’ started.

[He pops off a champagne bottle.]

[Sad music crescendos and fades.]

Credits

[Twilight Space music throughout.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.

Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela.

Original music score by Sage G.C.

And very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon Supporters of past, present, and future.

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories

Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com

Narrator:         A sarcophagus opened

With sacrilege uncovered.

Three lost souls

Drift into the dark of space.

Incidental horror of war?

Or the intended heresy

Of a precursor pantheon?

May it be another test of faith

On the seven deadly rings

Of THE TWILIGHT SPACE.

[Music fades.]

Thanks For Listening!

Sage:            Hey everyone! Sorry for the delayed release. As you can hopefully hear, this is a pretty demanding one, so truly, truly I appreciate the support and patience as always.

Don’t forget, if you wanna play your own version of Halo Jenkins, the system rules and character sheets are free to download at sagegc.com/games

Some quick additional music credits:

Original themes from the Halo series were composed by Martin O’Donnell and Michael Salvatori. With the original arrangement and score heard here done by yours truly.

And a huge thank you to all the guitarists who contributed to the Warthog run section. Kyle Schaefer, Justin Tolan, and Myrone. As well as Travis for mixing it.

We’re gonna drop that track sometime later this week, otherwise each score of mine from throughout THE TWILIGHT SPACE will be released on a single compilation album at sagegc.com/music probably sometime in late December or so.

And as for the next episode, I don’t want to promise anything, but I do hope to get back on track with One-Shot #4 releasing next Wednesday, November 18th. That’s the goal right now.

And again, could not be more different than Halo and the other One-Shots. And we’re very, very excited to share it.

Anyway, thank you all so much for listening and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later.

A HOSPITAL DRAMA

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

One-Shot #4: A Hospital Drama

Air Date: December 10, 2020

Cast Introduction

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with the many medical dramas you may associate with the following episode. But you knew that, didn’t you, darling?

Narrator:         You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.

It’s the dawn of the new millennium. Technology is rapidly changing how we think about the world and its monumental scientific conundrums. And in the foggy city of San Francisco, a bastion for wellbeing is tackling these challenges head-on.

Meet the leading staff of the George Clooney Memorial Hospital; three doctors, a nurse, and an IT Admin. What we’re about to witness is the culmination of their careers. A series of trials to each, with lab results waiting on the other side.

They’ll have to stay up all night to learn how to save a life.

[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]

Cast Introduction

[20 Sided Stories music plays throughout.]

Sage:            Hello! And welcome to 20 Sided Stories. My name is Sage. I am not your Game Master this time.

[Jessica gasps.]

Emily:          Oooo.

Sage:            More on that later, but, uh—

Travis:          What?

[Chuckling.]

What is this? Open mic night?

Sage:            But, I’m joined of course by…

Travis:          Travis.

Emily:          Emily.

Jessica:          Jessica.

David:           And I’m David.

Sage:            We’re going to improvise a hospital drama. The medical drama genre is probably one of the most popular in the history of television. There have been dozens of these shows. Uh, some of the more popular ones, Grey’s Anatomy, Scrubs—it’s more of a comedy than a drama—ER was a big one for many years, and those are all the ones I’ve watched [chuckles].

David:           House.

Sage:            Oh! I- I have seen House, actually. You’re right. Yeah.

David:           Nip/Tuck.

Sage:            What else? What else are there?

Travis:          Oh, General Hospital. The soap opera.

David:           Chicago Med.

Emily:          Think of a place and there’s probably a medical drama set there [stifles laughter].

Sage:            It’s true. So we’re gonna make one o’ those. A medical hospital drama [amused] set in George Clooney Memorial Hospital. Fictional place.

Emily:          [sarcastic] No!

Sage:            Uh, and we’re setting this in the year 2000. In January, the dawn of the new millennium.

Emily:          OoOooOo!

Sage:            So how ’bout we introduce our characters?

Jessica:          I’m Jessica and I’ll be playing Jill Shepard. [Jill’s no-nonsense accent] I am Chief of Medicine at GCMH. I’m currently single. Not really looking. There is just not enough time. I have a hard time being nice. There is just not enough time. My best advice is to keep your feelings to yourself.

Emily:          I’m Emily, and I will be playing [Sylvia’s calm accent] Dr. Sylvia Katz RN. I’m a doctor in nursing. Not a doctor of doctoring. So I’m not your doctor, I’m your nurse, but you have to call me doctor. I’m currently mourning the death of my third husband, which was completely accidental. I’m just trying to take care of my son, Timmy, while I look for love again.

Sage:            I’m Sage, and I will be playing [Corey’s anxious accent] Corey R. Martin, um. I- I work in IT and administration. I really- I should be just like one o’ those things, not both. IT and administration, but because this hospital’s still adjusting to computers, IT is really just basically everything now. If they ever have a problem with their database they just tell me to come work on it. I’m basically the one thread keeping this in check. We’re violating so many things. [yells] Fuck! [normal] Oh, god.

Travis:          Hey, I’m Travis, and I’ll be playing [Lee’s calming accent] Dr. Lee Coenfield. I’m the Head Resident at George Clooney Memorial Hospital, and I’m also a pastor. I am married, but I’m going through a bit of a rough patch right now and it doesn't look great. In fact, I’ve moved out of my condo in North Beach and taken up residence in the apartments in the Castro. Closer to the hospital.

David:           Hi. I’m David and I will be playing the part of [Victor’s loud, German accent] Victor Frankenstein!

Sage:            [amused] Jesus Christ.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Emily:          You know he had to.

David:           Das legendary surgeon! I’m [blocked[a] ?] in zis hospital!

Travis:          [amused] Is there any way we can get subtitles on a podcast?

[Emily chuckles.]

David:           Ich bin ein widower! Mien love of mien life, Elizabet, has been murdered! And now I crusade to bring her back to life!

Sage:            Great. So this is going to be a little different from our usual RPG stylings. You can check out the mini system for yourself at sagegc.com/games if you wanna do some improv with your friends. But here’s the gist on how it works.

This game has no game master, as I mentioned, and uses no dice. All you need is a coin and a character idea. There are Personal scenes and Procedure scenes. All of us just introduced the main cast, and those characters will lead one of each. One Personal, one Procedure.

We’ll start with a short group scene then continue through a series of vignettes. And while each vignette will focus on a single leading character, we’ll be playing all sorts of supporting characters as well. Patients, lovers, family, etcetera. And once per vignette, the leading character will have a chance at a breakthrough.

[Stat test chime.]

They’ll be presented with a challenge that is either outside of their typical field or just plain impossible. To determine the outcome, they make a call then flip a coin. A success means they mark down a breakthrough point.

[Breakthrough chime.]

A failure means they mark down a baggage point.

[Baggage chime.]

Once all the characters have led their two scenes, we’ll round it off with a final group scene utilizing all those breakthrough and baggage points acquired over the course of the story and ultimately determine, collectively, the fate of our staff in the George Clooney Memorial Hospital.

And that’s the gist!

Travis:          Let’s be doctors! Can’t be that hard.

Emily:          My dad’s gonna rip us apart for HIPAA violations.

Travis:          [stifles laughter] I cannot wait.

Sage:            Here we go! Hospital drama, George Clooney Memorial Hospital!

Jessica:          [wrestling announcer] Let’s get ready to rumble!

Emily:          Whoo!

Travis:          New millennium, Y2K!

Emily:          [chanting] Pagers.

Emily, Travis, Jessica:  [chanting] Pagers!

Narrator:         Do these medical professionals have what it takes to balance their work and personal lives? Let’s run some tests.

Turn your head and cough, 'cause you’re about to enter THE TWILIGHT SPACE: ONE-SHOT #4 - A HOSPITAL DRAMA.

[Music crescendos and fades.]

A Hospital Drama

[Calm, party music plays; Sneakers for Men by Eyeliner. A crowd chatters in the background. Jill taps a spoon against a wine glass.]

Jill:             Hello, everyone! Eyes on me, everyone. Thank you so much for coming to our ever anticipated New Year’s Eve party! [chuckles] Um, I just wanna say, it really warms my heart [emotional] that you’ve all fit some time in our busy schedules. This is a very stressful job. Um, and I just—

Corey:             Dr. Jill Shepard, are you drunk? [quiet, shocked laugh]

Jill:             Ehh, what’s drunk?

Sylvia:            Jill, d’you need a ride home?

Jill:             [whispers] Yeah.

[Sylvia groans quietly in annoyance.]

Lee:           Sylvia, if you don’t mind, would you take her this year?

Sylvia:            I will. I already finished all the red wine and I feel nothing.

Lee:           Oh. Well maybe… Look, I’ve got a sedan. We can- we can all get in my car and I’ll make sure everybody gets home safe. Or if all else fails, we can set you up in the morgue like Victor does every time we have a party.

[Sylvia groans in annoyance again.]

Victor:             [approaching, loud] Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!

Jill:             Oh. There he is.

Lee:           Speaking of.

Victor:             Rahh!

[He kicks a trash can.]

Sylvia:            Victor, what’s wrong?

Victor:             Mein puff pastry is ruined!

[He flips a table and dishes scatter.]

Zis puff pastry is a straight crust!

Lee:           That’s what hap—

Victor:             Worst puff pastry! Ze entire party is cancel!

Sylvia:            Victor—

Victor:             No more party!

Sylvia:            It’s midnight.

Victor:             Ze party is completely cancel! Zis [babbles].

Sylvia:            Nobody wants your puff pastry.

Victor:             Zis stupid oven!

[He chucks the toaster oven in the trash can.]

Ze toaster oven is kaputz!

Corey:             Victor is really stressin’ me out.

[Corey flicks a lighter a few times.]

Can I smoke in here?

Jill:             [drunk, emotional] No one’s gonna kiss me after the countdown!

[Corey lights a cigarette and flicks the lighter shut.]

I’m so alone!

Victor:             Vas is your problem?

Jill:             I’m sorry, everyone. This is so unprofessional.

Sylvia:            We have some CPR dummies, if you’re really that lonely.

Jill:             [sobs] Okay.

Lee:           [grossed out] No. [normal] The interns have been doing awful things to those.

Sylvia:            Yeah, but the wig they got that one is pretty good.

[Lee hums in agreement.]

Corey:             Well, um, does anybody have any, uh, New Year resolutions? Year 2000, it’s a big one.

Victor:             I vill bring my dear departed Lizbet back from ze afterlife and to join with me once again!

Sylvia:            [uninterested] Mm-hmm.

Corey:             [uninterested] Wow, cool. How ’bout you, Lee?

Jill:             Victor…

Victor:             It’s the same resolution every year!

Jill:             [amused] You so quirky [chuckles].

Corey:             Lee, please. [Sage stifles laughter]

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Interrupt him.

Lee:           Uh, sorry, Corey. I didn’t realize you were there, um…

[Sage stifles laughter.]

You know, I just hope that things between my wife and I can improve. Looking to be a better husband and, uh, better father and really a better doctor. And a better man of faith. It’s hard juggling this many things, you know, to be a priest, a doctor, a husband, a father. But, um—

Sylvia:            Divorce is a lot easier. You should really look into it.

Victor:             Being a vidower is also easy.

Lee:           ’Scuse me?

Victor:             Nothing.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Sylvia:            Maybe this year I’ll remarry. We’ll see.

Jill:             [emotional] I just wanna kiss someone, but I’m grateful for my work family.

[She stumbles into a hug with Lee.]

Lee:           Op, okay, that’s- yup. That’s nice. Okay.

Jill:             Oh, you.

Sylvia:            Mm-hmm.

Lee:           Let’s- let’s just- gotta get you off.

[He gently shoves her away.]

Sylvia:            Yeah, Jill, please sit down.

[Jill’s shoes squeak against the floor as she shuffles away.]

Jill:             Okay.

Sylvia:            Here’s a trashcan to throw up in.

[She moves the trashcan closer to Jill.]

Lee:           Is it midnight yet? It’s gotta be close to midnight.

Victor:             Put her in ze cooler.

Corey:             Okay, well I’ll go next, I guess. My, uh, New Year’s resolution is—

Jill:             Oh my god! They’re coming down!

Lee:           Oh there it is! Oh, alright ten…

Victor:             Ten! Nine!

Corey:             Okay…

[The George Clooney Memorial Hospital Main Theme music plays.]

The Doctors:          Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

[Cheers erupt from the crowd.]

Sylvia:            Happy New Year.

Lee:           Oh my god. I can go home!

Corey:             Why did the hospital have a staff party on New Year’s Eve?

Sylvia:            ’Cause we’re all fucking lonely.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lee:           Anyways, glad you’re onboard, Corey.

[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]

Victor:             Who is Corey?

[Laughter.]

[Music crescendos and plays to the end.]

[A door opens and a woman walks into the hospital lobby.]

Gunshot Patient:     Uh, help! Help! Someone. I’ve been shot! [pants] Someone! Anybody at the desk. Is there anyone there? Hello?!

Intern:        Oh my god this woman’s been shot! Corey, Corey, can you call them?

Corey:             [frantic] What? Call who? Call who?

Intern:        Call—

Corey:             [frantic] Call who?

Intern:        Call surgery—

Corey:             [frantic] 911?

Intern:        Call medical. Get anyone out here! No! We are 911!

Corey:             [frantic] We are 911.

Gunshot Patient:     You morons don’t know what the fuck you’re doing!

[Corey gasps.]

Intern:        I’m sorry, I’m an intern!

[Corey cries out in panic.]

Gunshot Patient:     I’m literally about to die!

Corey:             Fuck! Fuck!! Fuck!!! Okay…

Intern:        I’m gonna carry her over my shoulder!

[He takes a few steps forward.]

Sylvia:            Why is everybody screaming?

Gunshot Patient:     I got shot!

Corey:             She got shot!

Gunshot Patient:     I got shot!

Sylvia:            Great. So I’m just going to apply pressure. Please don’t scream.

[Sylvia steps forward and presses hard on the wound.]

Gunshot Patient:     Ahhhh!

Sylvia:            Alright, we’re gonna get you into a room, and then I will call a doctor. Well, a medical doctor. A doctor doctor. The- you’re gonna live probably.

[The Gunshot Patient groans. Sylvia pulls a gurney closer.]

Help me get her on the gurney facedown.

Gunshot Patient:     Ow. Ugh.

Intern:        [frantic] Okay! Okay.

[Everyone groans as they lift the woman and set her on the gurney. Sylvia pushes the gurney down the hall. A heart monitor beeps throughout.]

Corey:             G-go-good luck!

Sylvia:            Give me a shot of morphine. Give me a shot of morphine. I’ll push her.

Intern:        Okay.

[He hands her a syringe.]

Sylvia:            We’re pushing her towards the ER.

[The woman stifles pained groans as the gurney rattles down the hall.]

Alright. Now this is gonna just going to sting in the beginning. Three, two…

[Sylvia stabs the woman with the syringe. The Gunshot Patient stifles another yell.]

Intern:        Should I call surgery?

Sylvia:            Yeah- where’s Victor?

Intern:        I don't know. Nobody’s been able to find him for hours.

Sylvia:            Are you fucking kidding me? Uck. Well, page Victor.

[The Gunshot Patient moans.]

You’re gonna be alright, ma’am. It’s gonna be fine, alright?

[The Gunshot Patient stifles a sob.]

I’m gonna set up an IV drip. Pushing the cart back. Right in the top of your hand.

Intern:        Dr. Katz.

Sylvia:            Yes?

Intern:        Victor’s not there. Victor’s not there, Dr. Coenfield is off. It- it’s—

Sylvia:            Did you check the morgue?

Gunshot Patient:     [worried] The morgue? The morgue?

Sylvia:            We’re gonna try to find a doctor to operate on you.

Gunshot Patient:     [pained, crying] No, uh, someone needs to do it now. I- I see the light. Someone do it now.

Sylvia:            [sighs, quiet] Shit.

Gunshot Patient:     You gotta do it now, please.

Sylvia:            [angry] Victor, where the fuck are you?

Intern:        Nobody can find him.

Sylvia:            [sighs] Then we’re gonna have to do this.

[Sylvia grabs some gloves and snaps them on.]

Intern:        What?

Sylvia:            Get me more morphine.

Intern:        [nervous] Uh…

Gunshot Patient:     [pained] Yeah, please give me more morphine. Please. I want more.

Sylvia:            I’m gonna need 500 CCs.

Intern:        [nervous] Uh, you’re gonna operate on this patient?

Sylvia:            Do we have another choice?

[The Gunshot Patient cries.]

The answer’s “no”. It was a rhetorical question. Give me the fucking morphine.

Intern:        Okay, here you go.

[He passes her a syringe.]

Sylvia:            Alright. Pain should go away in five…

[The Gunshot Patient’s groans quiet.]

Scalpel.

Intern:        Oh my god!

[The scalpel rings out.]

Sylvia:            Tweezers.

Intern:        Uh, d- I- here’s one.

[Tools clatter on a table as he picks it up and hands it to her.]

Sylvia:            Alright. First incision, three, two…

[Flesh squelches as Sylvia cuts into the wound.]

Who shot you in the back with a hollow point?

Gunshot Patient:     I don't know.

Intern:        Oh my god, that’s gruesome.

Sylvia:            This is- this is- this is messy. This is- this is bad. This is—

Gunshot Patient:     None of you are doctors? None of you are actual doctors? What the fuck is happening?

Intern:        We’re severely underfunded.

Sylvia:            It’s fine.

[The Gunshot Patient sobs.]

I got it! I got it, I got it, alright. Three, two, one, I’m gonna pull this bullet out. You’re gonna be just fine.

[Stat test chime.]

Ready?

Gunshot Patient:     [muffled] Okay.

Sylvia:            Three…two…

[A coin flips. A heart monitor beeps. The coin lands.]

[Breakthrough chime.]

[Sylvia groans as she pulls the bullet out of the wound with a squelch.]

[sighs] We’ve got it.

[The Gunshot Patient pants.]

Victor’s gonna have to go back in and get the rest, but for now, you know.

[The Gunshot Patient groans.]

Alright, you’re doing great. You’re doing fantastic.

Gunshot Patient:     [loopy] Yeah. You’re so beautiful.

Intern:        I think she’s talkin’ to you, Dr. Katz.

Sylvia:            Yeah. This happens.

[Hospital theme song.]

[Feet tap on pavement.]

Mysterious Man:         Ah, Victor. How good of you to meet me in this dark alleyway. Late at night when nobody’s watching—

Victor:             Enough chitter chatter, you ignorant fool!

Mysterious Man:         What?

Victor:             Do you have ze items?!

Mysterious Man:         Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Victor:             Hand zem over before ze jibber jabber!

Mysterious Man:         [flustered] Oh my god. Dude.

Victor:             I need to get back to ze hospital!

Mysterious Man:         Relax—

Victor:             Vhat if there is an operative emergency?! I’ve been out here for a fucking half an hour!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Zis is unacceptable! Give me my items!

Mysterious Man:         Yo, dude. Relax. I got your—

Victor:             Oh I vill choke you! I vill choke you! Come here!

[Victor steps forward.]

Come here, you. I choke you! I choke you! I choke you!

[The Mysterious Man cries out in shock as Victor pounces on him.]

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Give me my items! Give zem to me! Zey are most important!

Mysterious Man:         Ahh! Gah! Dah! No! There’s no way you’re gonna choke me!

[Stat test chime.]

I have neck bones of strength!

[A suspenseful beep. A coin flips and lands.]

[Breakthrough chime.]

Victor:             I succeeded in ze breaking you!

[The Mysterious Man gags as Victor strangles him.]

I am a mandibles!

Mysterious Man:         [choked off] Help. Ah! Ahha!

Victor:             You impotent wretch. Give me my items! Give zem to me now!

[The Mysterious Man collapses with a thud.]

Mysterious Man:         They’re in my coat [death gurgle] pocket.

Victor:             Nice.

[He steps forward and shuffles around the Mysterious Man’s pockets.]

[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]

Items for Victor. Items for my experiments! Back to ze hospital I go—

[Travis and Sage chuckle.]

—vith my bundle over mien shoulder. Hahaha!

[Chuckling.]

[Hospital theme song.]

[A door clicks open.]

Nurse:             Uh, doctor? Dr. Coenfield?

[She knocks on a glass window.]

Dr. Coenfield? Um, wake up, Mr. Coenfield.

[Blankets rustle as Lee turns over.]

Mr. Coenfield. Dr. Coenfield. Sorry.

[Lee takes a deep breath as he wakes up.]

Dr. Coenfield, please wake up.

Lee:           [groggy] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I’m awake. I’m- I’m awaked. What’s, um, hi. What’s- oh! Hi.

Nurse:             Hi.

Lee:           Janice, how can I help you?

Janice:            [nervous chuckle] Um, so there’s a patient I have in Room 204 who, uh…

Lee:           Mm-hmm?

Janice:            They are really, really religious.

Lee:           [agreeable] Mmm.

Janice:            And it- it makes me kind of uncomfortable, but I just feel like you probably would be best suited to talk with them.

Lee:           Yeah.

Janice:            They don’t really believe in medicine.

Lee:           Oh. Alright, well, um. [stifles laughter] I guess if anyone here, that’s me.

[The hospital bed squeaks as he gets up.]

Uh, thank you. I’ll see them now.

[He walks down the hall and into the room.]

Religious Patient:       [Southern accent] Oh! Are you the Dr. Coenfield I’ve heard so much about?

Lee:           [humble chuckle] As I live and breathe. Hello, ma’am. What’s your name?

Religious Patient:       Jillana Thompson.

Lee:           Well hi, Jillana.

Jillana:            I can’t have this blood transfusion that you’re all tryin’a force on me.

Lee:           Okay. Well I’d love to, uh, I’d love to hear why.

Jillana:            Well, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lee:           Mmm.

Jillana:            —and we cannot take the blood of another human being.

Lee:           Right. The ones that don’t do birthdays.

Jillana:            So it’s very unfortunate that I’m in this situation.

Lee:           You know, it is. And Jillana, I’m a man of faith myself. I’m a- I’m a- I’m a pastor. And I, um, you know, got into medicine, uh, ho-honestly through my faith. And, you know, it’s, um… [tsks] Will you excuse me a moment?

Jillana:            [agreeable] Alright.

[Lee steps into the hallway.]

Lee:           Alright, Janice, you’re gonna have to knock her out. We’re gonna have to do it while she’s knocked out, 'cause Jehovah’s Witnesses, it’s like a fucking brick wall. You have no idea.

Janice:            Oh…

Lee:           That- I- that’s well beyond my faith-based paygrade.

[Janice croaks in confusion.]

And it’s- I- and I say that as someone who’s really trying to get to the point here. She needs a blood transfusion. From judging by these charts…

[He flips through a few pages.]

She will die.

Janice:            Right. Okay…

Lee:           And, like… I’m gonna give this one more go.

Janice:            Alright.

Lee:           One more go. Alright. Hold on.

[He walks back into the room.]

Hi. I’m sorry. Could I get- could I get your name one more time? It’s- I [stifles laughter] just woke up.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Jillana:            Pretty sure that my name is Jillana Thompson.

Lee:           That’s exactly right. Thank you. Sorry. That’s- that’s part of our, um, just part of our protocol.

Jillana:            Oh. You got to check, don’t you?

Lee:           Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jillana giggles.]

Anyways. I just talked to God. And, um…

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Jillana:            [awed] You talked to God? Did he mention me?

Lee:           You know? He did. We had a real chat about, really, what it takes to make certain decisions in the name of faith. And, you know, without this blood transfusion, you will die. And I’m asking you to have a little bit of faith in my experience as a doctor.

Jillana:            If this is my time to go, this is my time to go. Did you think Jesus would’ve accepted a blood transfusion on the cross?

[Beat.]

[Lee opens his mouth and shuts it again.]

Jesus died for our sins on purpose.

[Beat.]

Lee:           That’s… That’s not untrue… [deep breath] Okay. Here’s what we’re gonna do. I think we should leave it up to faith itself. So you and I, we’re gonna flip a coin.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Jillana:            Flip a coin?

Lee:           We’re gonna flip a coin.

Jillana:            I knew science was weird, but I didn’t think it was that weird.

Lee:           This isn’t science at all. This is faith.

Jillana:            Wow.

Lee:           So let’s say heads, you get that blood transfusion. Tails, who am I to judge what God has in store for you?

Jillana:            I can’t argue with the Lord.

Lee:           Well.

[Stat test chime.]

Here’s hoping.

[A heart monitor beeps. A coin flips.]

[Baggage chime.]

I—

[He turns around and leaves.]

Janice:            Uh, wh-where are you going?

Lee:           I’m going back to bed.

[He slams the door.]

[Hospital theme song.]

[Fluorescent lights hum above a patient’s bed.]

Excited Patient:       Dr. Shepard. Dr. Shepard!

Jill:             Yes?

Excited Patient:       You run such a big, beautiful hospital here, Dr. Shepard. Thank you for coming to visit me.

Jill:             Oh yeah. Thank you. Yes.

Excited Patient:       Do you visit all your patients individually?

Jill:             Uh, I do some check-ins every once in a while. Sometimes I have interns with me, but, you know, just- just doin’ my rounds.

Excited Patient:       You just do such a good job with this hospital. It’s so clean. Thank you for coming and visiting me.

Jill:             Oh, yes. Yes. You’re welcome. Thank—

Excited Patient:       You have anything to eat? Do you have any food?

Jill:             Did- did the nurses not bring you any food?

Excited Patient:       They said they were tired of helping.

Jill:             What?

Excited Patient:       D’you have any snacks? I just want some snacks.

Jill:             Oh my god. I’m not a snack deliver- I- I literally have no time to be—

Excited Patient:       [singsong] But I’m hungry. I have low blood sugar. I’m hyperglycemic. I’ve got a low—

Jill:             Are you singing a song? Okay.

[loud] Where are the nurses in this fucking hospital?

[A knock on the door.]

Intern:        [distant] Uh, Dr. She- Dr. Shepard! They need you in Room 3 immediately.

[Jill sighs.]

Excited Patient:       Not right now, buddy. I need my snacks.

Annyoed Nurse:       [approaching] Gladys, I’m coming back with your fucking snacks.

Gladys:           Ooo! Banana pudding!

Annyoed Nurse:       Yes.

Gladys:           No, I want Dr. Shepard to give it to me. I like Dr. Shepard. I don’t like you guys.

Jill:             Alright, here. Let me…

[She snatches the pudding and rips it open. A spoon clatters as she picks it up.]

Real quick, open your mouth. Open your mouth.

Gladys:           Ahh.

Jill:             [fast] There you go. Banana pudding. Banana pudding. There you go.

Gladys:           Oh no.

Jill:             Alright. I gotta—

Gladys:           [muffled] Were there bananas in the pudding?

[Beat.]

Jill:             Uh, yeah. It’s banana pudding.

Gladys:           Ah! Ahhhhh!

[She flails around on the bed.]

Jill:             [irked] Listen, Gladys, I can’t do this! I can’t do this with you right now.

Gladys:           I’m allergic to bananas!

[Jill groans in annoyance.]

I’m allergic to bananas! My throat is swelling up!

Jill:             Shit. Oh, shit. Oh shit. Okay. Alright.

Gladys:           I can’t breathe!

Jill:             Gladys. Gladys!

Gladys:           Heelp!

Jill:             Focus. Alright. You look—

[Gladys screams again, then begins wheezing as Jill scolds her.]

Eyes on me. First of all. We said there was banana pudding before you ate the banana pudding. Liability-wise this is your fault, not ours, alright?

Gladys:           [muffled] Dr. Shepard, help me! Dr. Shepard, help me, I’m dying!

Jill:             Okay. Gladys, look at me. Gladys, look at me.

[Gladys screams.]

Look at me.

[Gladys wheezes as she flails on the bed.]

Quiet. Take a deep breath. Gladys, literally I do not have time for any of this right now. You come in here every month!

[Gladys continues wheezing and flailing as Jill digs around in a drawer.]

I need an EpiPen. There’s gotta be a fucking EpiPen in this room somewhere!

[Gladys continues flailing as Jill searches several drawers irritably.]

No. I don’t have fucking time for this!

[She slams a drawer shut.]

[Stat test chime.]

[A coin flips. Suspenseful beep. The coin lands. Beep.]

Gladys:           What happened?

Jill:             Alright. Well, um… I can’t help you.

[Baggage chime.]

[Gladys death rattles.]

[Travis chuckles.]

I gotta go.

[She walks away as Gladys finishes her death rattle.]

Annyoed Nurse:       Uh, code brown.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

[Hospital theme song.]

[Staff chatters in the background.]

Man:                [distant] Corey! Get in here.

Corey:             [nervous] Shit. Shit! What’d I do this time? Fuck!

Man:                [distant] Corey! Get into my office, right now!

Corey:             [growls] Okay.

[Corey hurries into the room.]

Hey.

Man:                Corey, what’s going on with this goddamn network? It’s fallin’ apart!

Corey:             Ah, god.

Man:                I’m tryin’a log into Zoom here, and it’s just all kinda- oh wait, it’s two-

[chuckles] It’s 2000. I’m tryin’a run—

Corey:             [Sage stifles laughter] What the hell’s Zoom?!

Man:                Get onto Myspace over here and it’s just not working. What the hell’s the problem?

Corey:             What the hell’s Myspace?

Man:                Corey, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta check what my notifications are on- on- on Friendster.

Corey:             [sighs] Fuck. Okay. Hey, hey. Okay. Yes, yes.

Man:                And you’re over here, jacking off in the corner.

[Corey stammers in protest.]

Why don’t you get over here and fix my goddamn computer, Corey?

Corey:             Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay.

[Windows 98 boot up song plays.]

Oh god. Christ fucking Windows 98.

Man:                Corey, you got 30 seconds to fix this computer or it’s your job, Corey.

Corey:             Okay, hold on! Jesus!

[He types frantically.]

Man:                I’m gonna hire another IT person.

Corey:             I’m typing in some shit! Can you just calm!

[He slams the keyboard.]

Down!

[Slam!]

Man:                I forgot my password, Corey. I need you to reset my password, my login credentials. I can’t keep track of passwords, Corey.

[Virus popups ping rapidly.]

Corey:             [groans] No, no, no, no, no.

Man:                I’ve been usin’ my kids’ names and I already forgot what they were.

Corey:             [groaning] This is lookin’ like a ransomware attack.

Man:                Ten seconds, Corey, otherwise it’s your job!

Corey:             Mm, okay. Okay, hey, hey, hey. This is fine. This is fine. We’ll just- there’s just a security question here. Simple procedure. What is your mother’s—

Man:                What’s that security question?

Corey:             What is your mother—

Man:                You got twenty mini—

Corey:             What is—

Man:                You got twenty seconds, Corey.

Corey:             [yells] God! Fuck! Just answer the- [normal, frantic] What is your mother’s maiden name?

[Beat.]

Man:                Cordelia.

[Corey types it in.]

I think.

[A staticy chime comes from the computer and it beeps.]

Corey:             Blue screen. Blue screen. Blue screen. Shit.

[He types frantically.]

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. Okay, okay, okay. Uh, [pants] I need- I need- I need to- [panicked sigh]

Man:                Hack the computer, Corey. That’s what I pay you for.

[Stat test chime.]

[A coin flips. A heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]

Corey:             [sighs, calming down] Okay. If I just… [sighs]

[He types quickly.]

Ctrl-Alt…

[The computer beeps angrily and hums.]

[Baggage chime.]

Red screen?!

Man:                Red screen?

Corey:             What the fuck’s a red screen?!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Man:                I’ve heard of blue screen. I don’t—

Corey:             [yells] Oh my god!

Man:                Red screen? I don’t—

Corey:             [yells] Everything’s deleted?!

Man:                I got a trojan in my computer.

Corey:             [yells] Everything?!

Man:                Oh god damming, the whole computer system’s goin’ off—

Corey:             The whole database?!

Lee:           [approaching] Corey? Corey?

Corey:             Oh. Oh. Oh no. Oh. Oh!

Lee:           Corey my- my patient—

Man:                That’s attached to the power grid, Corey. There’s a lot o’ hospitals on this.

Corey:             Oh! Coenfield! Dr. Dr. Coenfield! [nervous sigh]

Lee:           Corey—

Corey:             How are you doing today? How’s it going? How are the kids?

Lee:           My patient’s heart monitor just fucking turned off, that’s how I’m doing today. What did you do?

[Corey groans, trying to play it cool.]

Corey:             So we have a problem with the database [nervous chuckle] It’s really gonna be fine.

Man:                The electro cardio graph has a screensaver on it.

Corey:             Yeah, the whole database got deleted. Everything’s gone.

Lee:           What?!

Corey:             The whole computer system- we- is completely fried. I need somebody who has—

[Lee stammers.]

Man:                What about our patients’ medical information, Corey?

Sylvia:            [distant] Corey where are my fucking charts?

Lee:           Oh my god! It’s Y2K! It’s late!

[Emily stifles laughter. Sage chuckles.]

Man:                It’s Y2K? Y2K has hit the hospital! George Clooney Memorial! We can’t let anybody know about this, Corey. It’s gotta be under wraps. We can’t let anybody find out.

Corey:             [frantic sigh] Well we gotta get new computers and stuff before I can even determine like that.

Lee:           Alright, Corey. Corey! Corey! Hold on.

Corey:             I mean, it’s gonna take a lot of-

[stammers] get down the corridor-

[deep breath]

Man:                That’s what I have you for, Corey. God dammit!

Lee:           Hold on. Corey!

Corey:             Okay, okay! Just—

Lee:           Corey!

Corey:             I’m gonna go do it! I’m gonna go do it!

Lee:           Corey!

Corey:             And I’m gonna—

Lee:           Corey.

Corey:             Wh- yes?

Lee:           Corey?

Corey:             Yes?

Lee:           Corey?

Corey:             Yes?

Lee:           Corey?

Corey:             Yes?

Lee:           Corey?

Corey:             Yes? Yes? Yes?

Lee:           I have an idea.

Corey:             Okay.

Lee:           Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?

[Corey gasps and flips the off button. The static hum stops and he presses the button to turn it on again. The startup chime plays.]

Man:                What happened?

Corey:             [calm] Nope.

[The computer beeps.]

All the data’s gone.

Man:                Dammit!

Corey:             Computer’s working now, though.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Man:                Dammit, dammit! Ah!

[Hospital theme song plays.]

[A light flickers on and hums overhead. Lee walks into the morgue.]

Lee:           Victor! Oh my god.

Victor:             Vhat?

Lee:           Where have you been?

Victor:             Vhat?!

Lee:           There are six patients with critical wounds backed up in the OR.

Victor:             Nein, nein, nein.

Lee:           Yes—

Victor:             It is always “critical wounds” with you people. Really, it’s fine! What is a critical vound? Name one.

Lee:           We have a bullet wound, one. A woman was shot—

Victor:             Daaaah!

Lee:           —through the back of the stomach. There’s no exit wound.

Victor:             Nein, nein, nein. Take ze bullet out, stitch up, it’s nothing. I am important business here! I’m fucking one step—

Lee:           Yeah—

Victor:             —to make my thing over!

Lee:           Sylvia had to—

Victor:             And I got no time to waste on just spiele schlappen svarken case customers!

Lee:           Look, I don't know what the fuck kinda crowd speak that is, but I need to talk to you about you—

Victor:             Crowd speak? Crowd speak?! I’m fucking got sensitive materials here, you idiot fool! You nonsense- God, these American swine! I am fucking on this true keys to immortality! You need to get out of my office this instant! Nein, nein, nein, nein!

Lee:           If you do not get up to the OR right now, people will die again.

[Victor sets down a beaker.]

And if that happens again—

Victor:             Yes. And people will die tomorrow! And will die next week! I’m trying to stop death at its source! I’m trying to ignite a glorious crimson fire of the phoenix! Ze eternal philosopher’s stones! And create true eternal life!

Sylvia:            [distant] Where the fuck is Victor?

Victor:             Vhat?

Lee:           I found 'im.

Angry Doctor:        [distant] Where is Victor?!

Lee:           I found 'im.

Jill:             [distant] Oh, panic attack! I need help!

Victor:             I’m busy. I’m busy!

Jill:             [distant] Victor!

Sylvia:            [distant] Victor, I’m gonna fucking kill you!

Appendix Patient:      [distant] I’m gonna die.

Victor:             Fine! What is the patients needs me fekin firkin.

Lee:           [sighs] Alright. Room 2, gunshot wound to the back. Room 3, appendectomy. Room 4, oh god. There’s just conjoined twins in room 4. I don't know what to do with that.

Victor:             Fine, fine! I will do them all at once! Bring them all into this operating theatre and lend me my scalpel.

Lee:           We—

Victor:             My tongs, and my special tools.

[Lee growls in annoyance.]

I am the best surgeon this hospital, this McDonald’s hospital—

[Sylvia walks into the room.]

—has ever seen! And I—

Sylvia:            Did you find Victor?

Lee:           I found Victor.

Sylvia:            Victor!

Victor:             Yes?

Sylvia:            Where the fuck have you been?

Victor:             Bring all the patients into this operating theatre and I will take care of them all at the same time!

[Gurneys begin wheeling into the room.]

Appendix Patient:      Please. Please!

[Lee sighs wearily. Medical equipment clatters and beeps as Victor directs the setup.]

Victor:             Bring me some patients! Who are these patients? Roll this one over here. Gunshot wound next to here. Appendectomy next to here. Conjoined twins next to here.

Gunshot Patient:     [worried] Are you operating on us all at the same time?

Victor:             Hush, little girl! Put this gown and anästhesie on—

Gunshot Patient:     I’m a woman!

Victor:             —this instant! Anesthesia for all of them!

[He rips the curtain closed around the Gunshot Patient.]

Lee:           Alright. But we’re gonna have a fucking talk about your tone with me, Victor. Alright?

Victor:             [unconcerned] Okay.

[Victor snaps some gloves on.]

Are we ready, ladies and gentleman? Behold the true power of pure science!

[Victor starts a tape player: spooky organ music builds throughout.]

Gunshot Patient:     What’s happening?

[The Appendectomy Patient moans.]

Sylvia:            It’s probably better if you don’t know.

Victor:             Where is the anesthesia for this customer?

Lee:           Right here.

Victor:             Put that on her.

Gunshot Patient:     Customer?

Victor:             Put that on her!

Lee:           Just- he’s not from here. You’re gonna have to- a-alright. Here.

Victor:             You capitalist pigs. All you are customers of me! Ready?!

Gunshot Patient:     Oh my god.

Victor:             One! Two! I will operate all at once! Are you paying attention? You will learn a thing or two!

[He hurries over to a machine and cranks some dials.]

Sylvia:            [hesitant] Are you sure you can do this?

Lee:           What’re you gonna do with that big switch on the wall?!

[Victor flips the switch and electricity crackles.]

[Stat test chime.]

[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]

Victor:             I’ve done it!

[Breakthrough chime.]

Yes! I have!

[Tools whip through the air as Victor uses his machine to operate on everyone at once.]

Oop, oop, oop, oop, oop! Now bring her over here! Quickly now, quickly now!

[The Gunshot Patient moans in pain. Flesh squelches and tools ring out.]

Done! I have already cured all these people! Look and be amazed!

Gunshot Patient:     Oh wow. I feel so good.

Victor:             See?

Appendix Patient:      I feel great!

Sylvia:            God dammit.

[Hospital theme song plays.]

AD BREAK

[Radio clicks on.]

Kristin Couture:     We’ll be right back after these messages.

[Radio switches stations.]

[Gentle music plays; New Age Website by Stevia Sphere.]

Sylvia:          Alright. Who do we have on the floor today?

Room 3, we’ve got Tricia. Hmm. Let’s get a morphine drip ASAP.

Room 5, Corey. Corey… Why’s that sound familiar? Do I know a Corey? D’we- eh, doesn’t matter.

Room 6, truefuzz. Must be a family name.

Room 10, we have Jeff Schultz. Surgery is scheduled for this afternoon. Do not let Victor miss it again.

11, Dietrich Heiss. That’s a 5150. Do not let them go anywhere.

And Ozbian room 13. Oof. That’s gonna be quite the medical bill.

Good thing they’re only paying $3 a month for their 20 Sided Stories Patreon subscription. Oh, wow. Wait a second. It says here that they get two bonus episodes a month for being a Patron? And you get an Adventure Pass Holder role in the Discord, which lets you post pictures and memes? Carl used to love posting memes before his untimely, utterly accidental, death.

It says here in the chart that if your insurance premium is too high, you can just share the episode for free. I don't know about you, but that’s some pretty sexy math when you break it down. All I have to do is go to patreon.com/20SidedStories.

God it’s so much easier than signing up for Medicare. Maybe I’ll skip my shitty $3 machine-made coffee today. After all, there’s nothing recently-widowed middle-age women love more…than adventure.

[Music fades out.]

Except maybe wine. Wine’s pretty good.

[Radio clicks off.]

A Hospital Drama - Part II

[A television channel runs quietly in the background.]

Wife:             So…how’s work?

Lee:           Um…busy. Busy.

Wife:             Cool. Can you sleep on the couch tonight?

Lee:           Ex- p- what?

Wife:             Oh, you know.

Lee:           Sure. Wh-what is it this time? Is that- is that I- that I- that I spoke wrong? I- did I come in wrong? Is there something I’m not providing for you as a man? I- look, it’s not [sighs] It’s not abnormal to not be intimate with your significant other. Just—

Wife:             Look—

Lee:           It’s already hard enough being married as a man of faith, and then being with- with the stresses of the hospital and- [sighs] You know, you said you wanted to make this work, but obviously that’s not it. I’m going back to my apartment next to the hospital in the Castro district.

Wife:             All I’m saying is separation of church and state. ’Kay, Lee?

Lee:           How ’bout separation of you and me? I’m fuckin’ outta here.

Wife:             What?

Lee:           I’m gone! I’m gone.

Wife:             You better convince me right now not to- not to get the- the best damn divorce lawyer in the world and take your fucking life down.

[Stat test chime.]

[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]

Lee:           I’m gay.

[Breakthrough chime.]

Wife:             [awkward] Oh. [normal] Oh, that tracks.

Lee:           Yup. Right.

Wife:             Okay. That really just explains everything.

British Child 1:    Mommy, Daddy? Are you fighting?

Wife:             Yes. Yes. But we’re done now.

Lee:           Yeah, we’re done. We- we really learned a lot about each other with this.

British Child 1:    Is- is Daddy going to leave again?

Wife:             Well he left, technically, a thing. But, um, he’s here.

British Child 2:    Are we gonna have to go back to England, Mummy and Daddy?

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Lee:           I knew we shouldn’t have—

[Stifled laughter.]

I knew we shouldn’t have adopted these English kids.

British Child 3:    Oh, good show! We’ll be going back to the UK.

British Child 1:    No, don’t say that!

British Child 3:    I’m going to pack me bag and get ready to get up on the Hogwarts Express.

Lee:           This is what happens—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

British Child 1&2:     [tearful] I don’t want to go back to the UK!

Lee:           This is what happens when you adopt kids, like, as a sale.

British Child 3:    Platform 9¾!

Wife:             Oh it was your fucking idea, Lee! You were like, that would be just- that would be so cute! And then found out- not until after we signed all the paperwork—

British Child 1:    [gasps] Mommy said the F word!

British Child 3:    Has anybody seen my basket?

Wife:             —that you were drunk off of your goddamn ass—

Lee:           I’m sorry! I had just—

Wife:             —on Captain Morgan!

Lee:           I had just watched Peter Pan!

British Child 2:    I just wanna watch Paddington.

Lee:           I had just watched Peter Pan!

British Child 2:    I just wanna watch Paddington.

British Child 3:    I think I’m gonna get sorted into Hufflepuff.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

British Child 1:    This is worse than Charles and Diana’s breakup.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

British Child 3:    This is worse than what ’appened to Diana after the breakup.

Wife:             [sighs] Look, look, look—

British Child 1:    Oh no! Daddy, don’t die in a car accident while you’re being chased by the paparazzi.

Lee:           What?

British Child 2:    Oh please don’t, Daddy!

British Child 3:    Oh, that would be ever so dreadful, Daddy.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Wife:             Look, look—

British Child 2:    Oh, heartbreaking, Daddy!

Wife:             My precious, precious little English babies.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Daddy- e- Daddy and Mommy are gonna figure everything out, okay? The- we might have to split up some custody, but we’ll talk, you know—

British Child 3:    Who’s gonna keep us safe from Voldemort?

[David stifles laughter.]

British Child 2:    I don’t want to live in the tube again, please.

British Child 3:    No, not the tube!

Wife:             Alright. It’s way too—

British Child 1:    Please, Daddy! Don’t send us back to the tube!

Wife:             [weary] It is way too late for this conversation.

Lee:           [weary] Honestly.

British Child 3:    Not the tube. Anything but the tube!

Lee:           We’re not- nobody’s- nobody’s going in the tube.

Wife:             I’m gonna- [Sage stifles laughter]

Lee:           We’re gonna—

Wife:             I’m gonna throw some fish and chips on the ground. First one to get it wins.

British Child 1:    Oh, I like this game!

British Child 3:    I love eating off the floor!

Wife:             [Sage stifles laughter] Here we go!

[She chucks some fish and chips and the air and it all clatters to the floor.]

British Child 2:    You guys take such good care of us.

British Child 3:    Yay!

British Child 2:    Eating off the ground. Num, num, num, num.

Wife:             G’night.

Lee:           How did my life become such a fucking incomprehensible mess?

[Hospital theme song plays.]

[Someone hurries into the hospital lobby.]

Pool Boy:          Hey, uh, Dr. Katz.

Sylvia:            What’re you doing here? At my place of work?

Pool Boy:          Uh, well, I wanted to see the hot doctor in action. Heh.

Sylvia:            Don’t you have a pool to clean, you naughty boy?

Pool Boy:          Yeah, I already cleaned out your pool, Dr. Katz.

Sylvia:            You know you can’t be here.

Pool Boy:          I know. I like to do things I’m not allowed to do. Heh, heh, heh.

Sylvia:            It’s just, you know, suspicious so few months after Carl’s death. Which was absolutely an accident.

Pool Boy:          Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.

Sylvia:            For me to be seen with such a young, virile [deep breath] man. You know what? There’s a supply closet down the hallway.

Pool Boy:          Uh, what d’ya need to get? What kinda supplies are you lookin’ for?

Sylvia:            Well I think we’re gonna need the mops after we’re done.

Pool Boy:          [realization] Oh. Nice.

Sylvia:            But we have to be quiet. There’s…patients. And I know Lee will get jealous if he finds out I’m boinking another pool boy.

Pool Boy:          Who’s Lee?

Sylvia:            It- j- it’s not important. Eh, get in the closet. Get—

Pool Boy:          Oh. Alright.

[Sylvia grabs him and shoves him inside, slamming the door shut.]

Whoa. Yeah. This is awesome. Oh yeah.

Sylvia:            It smells- does it- does it smell like a dead body in here?

[A body shifts and collapses with a thud.]

[yells] Victor! I swear to god!

Victor:             [distant, muffled] What do you want? I’m busy!

Pool Boy:          [horrified] Oh my god. Is that a corpse in here?

Sylvia:            Yes. That’s absolutely a corpse in here. We should probably go.

Victor:             [distant, muffled] Don’t touch my samples!

Pool Boy:          Oh, I have a weak stomach, Dr. Katz. I don’t feel so good. Oh god.

Victor:             [distant, muffled] What have you done to my sample?

[The Pool Boy gags.]

It’s all soggy-woggy!

Pool Boy:          Oh god. Smells like jack shit in here.

Sylvia:            Yeah, we should- we’re getting out. We’re getting out.

Pool Boy:          Oh god.

[She opens the door and the two hurry out.]

[irked] Victor! Victor. Victor.

Victor:             What?

Sylvia:            Did you put another dead body in the supply closet?

Victor:             These are samples. These are my real patients! They are the one that needs my help the most!

Sylvia:            [slow] Keep it in the morgue, Victor!

Victor:             [irked] Fine.

Sylvia:            I will help you move it, but just this time. Jason, you’re gonna help us.

Pool Boy:          Uh, what?

Sylvia:            You’re strong and- and stuff. Hmm.

Victor:             Come here, son.

Jason:            [nervous] Uh.

Sylvia:            Alright. We just have to get this body to the morgue without anybody seeing it.

Jason:            I got a really weak stomach, Dr. Katz. Uh…

Sylvia:            [seductive] Uh, you know, I like it when you call me Dr. Katz.

Jason:            Yeah. Yeah Dr. Katz.

Sylvia:            [giggles] [irked] It’s not the time! It’s not the time.

Jason:            Oh god. It’s so hard.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Sylvia:            Alright.

Victor:             Following Katz. Are you shy? You have the fortitude to withstand the erotic nature of what we are doing.

Sylvia:            Okay let’s- we’re gonna lift it. L-let’s see if we can.

[Stat test chime.]

[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands.]

[Baggage chime.]

[The three of them grunt as they struggle with the corpse.]

Oh. Um…

[The corpse lands hard on the ground and the head rolls away.]

Jason:            Oh fuck, dude…

Sylvia:            You c- you couldn’t’ve picked a smaller body, Victor?

Victor:             This is why I left it in the closet. It’s too large.

Sylvia:            I told you, you need to stop killing members of the WWE.

Jason:            [nervous] Hey, uh, guys. I’m sensin’ some shady shit happenin’ right now.

Victor:             Nein.

Jason:            I’m gonna- I think I gotta go. Uh…

Sylvia:            Come on just [sigh] help me carry it to the morgue. It’ll be fine. You’re strong.

Jason:            I don't know.

Sylvia:            [seductive] You cleaned those leaves outta the pool so quickly.

Jason:            Oh god. That’s- you’re- [irked] You’re seducin’ me too much, man! Ah, god. Listen. I draw the line at dead bodies. Sylvia, I don't know. I gotta go. I need some- I need some time to think about it.

Sylvia:            You can’t leave me like this. [shocked sigh]

Jason:            I’m sorry, dude.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Sage chuckles.]

Peace, man.

[He walks away.]

Sylvia:            [quiet] Fuck.

Victor:             I will come back for him later. After closing.

Sylvia:            [irked] No. You cannot leave him here. We have janitors. They have to use this closet.

Victor:             [irked] Ahhh!

Sylvia:            This body is gone by the end of the day.

Victor:             Hai.

Sylvia:            Or I’m telling Jill.

Victor:             Ja, ja, ja. Ja. Whatever.

[Hospital theme song plays.]

[A crowd chatters in the background. Gentle music plays; Payphone by Eyeliner.]

Jill’s Date:         Wow. Jill, that’s just so fascinating. Oh, yeah, uh. Steak for me.

[A pen scribbles across paper as the Waiter writes the order.]

Waiter:         Alright. And, uh, for the lady?

Jill:             Oh, um, yes. Uh, I’ll have the same. Steak. Uh, make sure it’s medium, uh, well. Not rare. If it’s a little pink, like, I- I can’t eat it.

[The Waiter scribbles a note and shuts his book.]

Waiter:         Alright, no problem. I’ll be back with that tray. Thank you.

Jill:             Thank you.

[The Waiter walks away.]

Jill’s Date:         So what’re you gonna do? I mean, how could you possibly run a hospital with that much shit going on?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Jill:             Oh, you know, just I gotta do what I gotta do. And, uh, just so you know, my pager’s on all the time.

Jill’s Date:         Really?

Jill:             Yeah.

Jill’s Date:         Well, that’d be a shame. 'Cause this is a really deep, personal moment. I would hate for it to get interrupted by something work-related.

Jill:             Yeah, yeah. Uh, me too. Me too. Um… Like your, uh, tie…you got.

Jill’s Date:         Thank you.

Jill:             Yeah.

Jill’s Date:         I made it myself.

Jill:             You made that tie?

Jill’s Date:         Mm-hmm.

Jill:             Wow. That’s, um, very impressive.

Jill’s Date:         Sorry, is this date not going well? Are you feelin’ it?

Jill:             You know, I- I just—

[Her pager beeps. She sighs in irritation.]

Sorry, I gotta look at this real quick.

[She unclips the pager from her belt.]

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Jill’s Date:         It’s fine. [clears throat]

Jill:             [whispers] Oh, shit. [normal] Um, Jim. D’you wanna, like- can we- c-c- [sighs] They- the- there’s a- a bunch of stuff happening.

[Jill’s phone rings.]

Oh god. Oh god. More- okay—

Jim:           No, it’s fine.

Jill:             So there’s- there’s- just- there’s bodies in the hallways. Like we’re overflowing right now. Um, and I swear—

[Jill’s pager and phone start ringing again.]

Jim:           Oh, you’re, uh—

Jill:             —I’m having a great time. Oh my- oh my god. I swear.

[Jill’s second phone starts vibrating. A car alarm blares. Two more car alarms join the chaos.]

Jill:             Oh…

Jim:           Why do, uh, why- why are one of your—

[Phones and pagers continue buzzing, beeping.]

Jill:             I’m so sorry, Jim. I—

Jim:           Jill?

Jill:             Here, I turned it off. I turn it off. It’s off.

Jim:           Jill, d’y- d’you- d’you have a—

[Another alarm joins the chaos.]

Jill:             [irked] I turned it off.

[She smashes her car keys on the table.]

I turned it off!

Jim:           Is your entire waist circled with pagers from end to end?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Jill:             We’re really understaffed right now, Jim. I’m- I- you know… [sighs]

Jim:           I heard there were several malpractice settlements, uh, for your institution.

Jill:             Where’d you hear that?

Jim:           The news.

Jill:             Um, y-you know, it’s- it’s a lot. It’s a lot for me to—

[A pager goes off.]

Wha-

[The others all start beeping at once.]

I just want to have a nice date and maybe have sex with somebody for the first time in fifteen years!

Jim:           [shocked] Oh. Wow. Second date.

Jill:             Uck. God. I really like you, Jim, okay? Um, I’ll call ya.

Jim:           [sighs] Wouldn’t Jim and Jill be such a good couple’s name?

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Call us…Jill.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Or Jim. Uh, works either way.

Jill:             Can I give you—

Jim:           Jilm, even.

Jill:             Can I- can I give you a kiss?

Jim:           Oh, um. I don't know, I…feel kind of turned off.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

I feel like if, maybe, you could, I don't know, turn me back on somehow then maybe I’d be down.

[Jill croaks in uncertainty.]

[Stat test chime.]

[A coin flips. Heart monitor beeps. The coin lands. Beep.]

[The car alarm starts blaring and the pagers go off.]

[Baggage chime.]

Jill:             I’m sorry. Hey, guess what? Jim. Jim. Jim. Jim?

Jim:           [hesitant] Uh, you know, it- No, Jill, Jill, Jill. Shh.

Jill:             [whispers] What?

Jim:           It’s fine. Your job is your significant other.

Jill:             [heartbroken] No. No, no, no.

[Jim stands up.]

Oh—

Jim:           Goodbye.

Jill:             [cries] Okay. Maybe in another life. [sniffles]

[The pagers start blaring again.]

[yells] I’m coming, dipshit!

[Hospital theme song plays.]

[Fluorescent lights hum in an office.]

Lee:           Hey, Corey.

Corey:             Oh, what is it this time? [nervous sigh]

Lee:           Uh, look, you didn’t do anything wrong.

Corey:             Y- oh.

Lee:           I’m not much for IT. I’m- I’m a doctor. I’m just the head resident here. But I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. You know, on [sighs] my days off, on Sunday, as you know, I’m- I’m a pastor and I run services at the local church and it’s- it’s part of my job to understand when the community that I try to foster is in need of some support. And you look like you’re having a bad time. Is there something you wanna get off your chest, maybe?

[Corey lets out a heavy sigh.]

Corey:             Well, you might’ve seen the news. I mean it was like a small story, but [nervous chuckle] you know, uh. A whole- the whole database, you know. A lot o’ the hospitals have been switching over to computer systems and stuff like that.

Lee:           Mm-hmm.

Corey:             Lo-lotta more reliance on the tech. And anyhow all that fell onto my shoulders 'cause nobody else is gonna fuckin’ do it. I mean, yeah everything wiped. Hor-horrible. Terrible. Oh god. Um, but, you know, [stammers] In another way, it’s a kind of a good thing. I mean, you said I can confe— Can we go into like- there’s like a confession room, right? Those are where we can go into, like—

Lee:           Oh, I’m not Catholic. But, um, sure. You know what, sure. Le—

Corey:             We- we could un-under the table, you know what?

Lee:           Well—

Corey:             Well, not literally, but you know what- [nervous laugh] figuratively.

Lee:           What? Sure.

Corey:             Like- like under the table, but then like in, like, the booth. So it’s, like, not actually—

Lee:           Here’s a curtain that we use to separate the patients if you…

Corey:             Okay. Yeah.

Lee:           That’d be…? Alright.

[He slides the curtain between them.]

I’ll just move this over. Alright, sure.

Corey:             Yeah, um…

[A chair creaks as Lee sits down.]

Lee:           What’s on your mind?

Corey:             It’s weird, 'cause I feel like I jeopardized my job. Like I [nervous laugh] really fucked that one up. I had one chance, uh, when I was- when I was tryin’a log back in.

Lee:           Mm-hmm.

Corey:             Anyway, uh, you know, it’s weird 'cause I feel almost relieved in another way. And I haven’t felt a lot of relief in a while, because- because, you know, uh, I- I- I’ve been secretly changing [sighs] um… You see- okay, so [quiet] I’ve been doing this thing for a while. Where, you know, if I- if a patient comes in and they’re like, uh, [nervous chuckle] like, financially struggling or something?

Lee:           Mm-hmm.

Corey:             Then I- I just, like, secretly, I’ll, like, routinely- I, like, I go into their file and I just, like, lower the- the price of the bill.

[Beat.]

Lee:           I- m…

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, you what?

Corey:             Well since we switched everything to the database, like, everything’s kinda, like, in there, right? There is some paperwork and stuff. Or there’s kind of a transitional process, but there’s a lot of, like, oversight on a lot o’ stuff.

Lee:           Y- No, no, no. I’m sorry. So hold on. Hold on. I’d- I… I don’t speak, uh, whatever this is. Um, you…

Corey:             Anxiety.

[Stifled laughter.]

Lee:           So you’re saying you’ve gone into the records and you have changed the records to lower the cost care for our patients. Lessening the amount of money that this hospital brings in. Of which we are in clearly so desperate need of.

Corey:             Uh—

Lee:           And…

Corey:             W- I mean, it’s [sighs] It’s kind of a matter of opinion.

[A light knock on the office door.]

I mean, do we really need more money?

Woman:          Excuse me?

Corey:             I mean, it’s the- the fucking American—

Lee:           [stammers] Hold on. Shut—

[Corey clears his throat loudly.]

Shut up- shut- shut up.

Woman:          E-excuse me?

Lee:           Shut up, Corey.

Woman:          Excuse me?

Lee:           Yes? I’m sorry, yes?

Woman:          Uh, it—

Lee:           We’re having a bit of a meeting.

Woman:          [nervous sigh] Hi, are you Corey?

Corey:             Uh… [nervous laugh] Uh, yeah. I guess. Sure.

Woman:          Um, I- I- I’m just a little confused, 'cause I got the bill for my father’s heart transplant and it’s only $500.

[Lee springs out of his chair.]

Lee:           [yells] $500?!

Woman:          I- I’m- I’m—

Corey:             Okay. [nervous laugh] Okay, okay hold on.

Woman:          I mean, that’s fantastic, but—

Corey:             Okay, I’m sorry. Who are you?

Gladys:           Oh, I’m- I’m Gladys White. I- my- my father, Dan White, was here. A week ago he got a heart transplant.

Corey:             [whispers] Oh god, that’s right.

Gladys:           No. I- just- I- your name is at the bottom of this paperwork.

[Corey sighs anxiously.]

And I just wanted to say thank you.

Corey:             Oh. [nervous laugh]

Gladys:           Thank you so much! You—

Corey:             Oh shit. Fuck. Yeah. Shit. Yeah, you’re so fucking welcome. [quiet] Must’ve left the e-signature thing on. Damnit.

Gladys:           I- I mean, like, I’m in debt from college and there’s just no way we were gonna be able to pay for this and- and you! You crunched these numbers—

Corey:             [quiet, anxious] Yeah, I overheard a lot of it.

Gladys:           —and you saved my dad’s life. You saved my family. And I just- I don't know how I could ever repay you.

Corey:             Wow…uh…

Lee:           Maybe, uh…next time you should- could pay full price.

[Beat.]

Gladys:           What?

Corey:             Uh, you know, Lee. I thought we had a curtain. I thought we drew a line, you know, where, um—

Lee:           Um, I’m- I’m sorry, Miss. What was your- what was your name again? I’m- I’m- I’m really bad picture names.

Gladys:           I’m- I’m Gladys White.

Lee:           Gladys. Gladys.

Gladys:           It’s unfortunate for a 22-year-old to be named Gladys, but—

Lee:           Oh, uh—

Gladys:           —I kinda like it.

Lee:           It’s nice. It’s—

Corey:             It’s okay. At least your middle name isn’t Rainbows.

Lee:           Corey… Oh boy. Uh, Gladys, thank you so much for coming in to- and- and—

Gladys:           Thank you to the man who literally [chuckles] saved my whole family. So—

[Lee lets out a growling sigh.]

—th-thank you!

Lee:           Uh, alright.

Gladys:           Um, you’re invited to Thanksgiving, if you wanna come! [Emily stifles laughter]

Lee:           [displeased] Mmm. That’s great.

Corey:             [shocked laugh] Wow! Whoa, boy. [chuckles] I mean, I just- I don't know, I’ve never celebrated before, so…

Gladys:           Think on that! But thank you. Thank you so much. You’re my hero! Thank you, Corey! Okay, bye!

[She walks away.]

Lee:           You gotta give me one good reason not to report this.

Corey:             Oh. Well thank god I have one excellent idea.

[Stat test chime.]

[Heart monitor beeps. A coin flips. Beep. The coin lands.]

[Jessica blows her lips in amusement.]

Sage:            Fuck! [stifles laughter, away from microphone] Shit. Fuck!

[Jessica chuckles.]

I can’t find my coin, so I’m gonna—

[Baggage chime.]

Jessica:          Well that’s a failure.

[Travis and Emily laugh.]

Sage:            [amused] Assume that’s a loss.

Emily:          Automatic fail.

Corey:             Okay, look—

Lee:           You understand—

Corey:             [nervous chuckle] Okay. Look, okay, okay—

Lee:           I have to do—

Corey:             [fast] Hold it. Just look. Listen, listen, listen!

Lee:           I have to—

Corey:             [fast] I have to think. I have to think. Listen, listen, I have to think!

Lee:           —start an IV with a screwdriver last week, Corey!

Corey:             Fuckin’ brain blast! Okay? Listen. I thought this through. I really- I- you know, I don’t have a lot of time for thinking, but when I’m going from floor to fucking floor, working on every goddamn dumbass who needs to fix their password, where every little machine—

Lee:           Robbing the hospital blind in the- during the process!

Corey:             [sighs] I’ve overheard lots of great ideas from people who just aren't heard. And- and, you know, what this hospital needs is some heart. Okay? Some spirit! Some- some- some way to- to- to show that it cares for patients and not actually be some- part of the money, you know what I mean? So with the Internet, okay, it’s building, man. It’s gonna be huge! We ask for public funding. By the crowd of people.

[Beat.]

Lee:           What? You want a…publicly funded hospital?

Corey:             Yeah!

Lee:           Corey.

Corey:             Hmm?

[Beat.]

Lee:           That’s the dumbest fuckin’ think I’ve ever heard. Oh my god. Corey!

[Corey sighs.]

You have absolutely fucked us. You—

[The loudspeaker beeps.]

Jill:             Attention staff. Apparently the press are here. I’m calling for an emergency meeting. Please drop everything you are doing. Again, emergency staff meeting, now.

[The loudspeaker clicks off.]

Corey, Lee:       Uh-oh.

[Hospital theme song plays.]

[People shuffle into the morgue.]

Jill:             Alright, staff. Thank you so much for, uh, meeting right before this fucking press conference. And, um, thanks, Victor, for letting us use the morgue.

Victor:             I had nothing to do with it! I don’t know anything!

Lee:           Look, what we need is a plan to save the hospital and to appease the public.

Corey:             Yes. Yes.

Lee:           Now, Victor has something radical.

Corey:             Yes, that sounds good.

Lee:           Corey, gonna need you to stop talking for this, alright? Thank you. Radical, but effective ideas.

Sylvia:            Oh god, you’re gonna reanimate a corpse, aren’t you?

Jill:             What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Victor:             We will double down on the harvesting of the bodies and perpetuate—

Jill:             Uh…

Sylvia:            Double down?

Victor:             —a new paradigm of profits for the hospital to save the money.

Jill:             I’m sorry…

Victor:             I know many interested parties. Who are interested in buying valuable organs and parts from people.

Jill:             Victor, I don't know if your accent is too thick, but are you fucking telling me that you’re harvesting bodies?

Lee:           Well, harvesting is a strong word. But—

Victor:             Recycling? Reusing. Repurpose. Reduce!

Jill:             [horrified] What the fuck?

Victor:             Nien! Look. If you see this. Inside—

[A body bag unzips.]

—this body bag. This is Gladys. Do you recognize her?

Lee:           Gla—

Jill:             [quiet, nervous] Which Gladys?

Lee:           Yeah! She went to go—

Victor:             Not anymore! I’m afraid I got a little carried away. I was looking for a blood match for that heart I took out of that man earlier.

Corey:             Oh. Oh dear god!

Victor:             I cannot bring back my beloved, Lizbett, and engage the glorious glimpse at phoenix fire of eternal life without a constant stream of willing bodies—

Jill:             Victor!

Victor:             —and this is hospital. What?

Jill:             What the fuck is going on?

Lee:           Okay. So Corey here in IT, everybody’s favorite fuck up, has decided he’s gonna be, uh, it’s great to play Robin Hood and go around giving people discounts upwards of 98% for treatments.

[Corey chuckles nervously.]

That guy’s heart transplant? Trust- charged him $500. Went into the paperwork after the fact—

Jill:             What about the bodies?

Lee:           Victor has been…using, uh, patients that are either DOA or don’t make it through their treatments—

Victor:             Or aren’t- just- [stammers]

[Lee stammers over Victor to shut him up.]

Sylvia:            Do you know how much a HIPAA violation that is?

Jill:             Uh—

Lee:           We-we’re past HIPAA. We’re long past HIPAA.

Sylvia:            Nobody’s past HIPAA. That’s the point.

Jill:             Alright, well thanks for this bomb being dropped on me right before, literally, I’m getting paged that the press is ready for us to go out. I- what the—

Lee:           Well!

Sylvia:            The Chronicle is going to eat us alive.

Lee:           It’s not our fault that Corey here has been getting everybody, you know, up to 98% off of their bill.

Corey:             You know it’s the right thing to do! You know it!

Jill:             98%, Corey?!

Corey:             Ask yourself. Deep down!

Jill:             I literally have to put my house—

Lee:           What do you mean it's the right thing to do?

Victor:             I can get $15,000 for Corey! Let’s open him up!

Jill:             I have- I have to put another mortgage on my house!

Lee:           That’s not how the world works, Corey!

Corey:             [fast] So what d’I- Just- what d’I- what d’we tell them? What d’we tell them? 'cause peop- 'cause peop- now apparently there’s this rumor going around. Corey, Corey this hero that saved my dad. Corey, Corey this- here- so many- so- so what d’you want me to tell them, okay? I’m sorry. I made a mistake, I’ll stop it. What d’you want me to tell them?

Lee:           I don’t want you to say anything, first of all.

Victor:             Yes.

Sylvia:            Corey, you’re gonna shut the fuck up.

Corey:             Okay. Yeah. No. I can do that. That’s fine. That’s great.

Victor:             Corey’s lungs would fetch $15,000 on the open market!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Lee:           Uh, okay—

Corey:             What?

Lee:           Well, as an example- as a- as a for instance, somebody— Lungs, $15,000. That could at least get the generators back up.

Victor:             Corey’s lungs. Corey’s lungs!

Lee:           Maybe—

Corey:             [Sage stifles laughter] No! Please, no!

Lee:           Any-anyone’s lungs.

Victor:             This is your fault!

Lee:           Any lung! It doesn't need to be Corey’s.

Sylvia:            Listen. We get out there and we tell fucking Sam Johnson at The Chronicle, that motherfucker, that it’s Medicare’s fault.

Jill:             Okay.

Sylvia:            He’ll love it.

Lee:           Yeah. That’s…

Jill:             Medicare’s fault.

Sylvia:            Eat that shit right up.

Lee:           Blame the poor. That’s always been… That’s what’s got us out of this jam.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Jill:             Okay, perfect. That’s perfect.

Victor:             Medicare.

Sylvia:            This is San Francisco. We always blame the poor.

[They go outside the hospital. Journalists chatter and cameras click throughout.]

Jill:             Thank you. Thank you everyone. Um, we’ll take questions. Uh…

Shady Man:      [distant] I wanna buy a heart!

Journalist:       [distant] Are you aware that your doctors are accused of taking steroids?

Jill:             Yeah.

Susan:         Um, hello. Uh, uh, Susan Wentworth with The Bugle. Um, I was wondering, uh, what is your current, um, uh, success rate as a surgeon?

Victor:             I have had a 100% success rate!

[The journalists “ooo” in amazement.]

Lee:           Look, despite- despite the discourse around this hospital, you have to understand that every day…we’re just tryin’a help people get better. And in a city like this, it’s hard, you know? We’re underfunded, and we’re underprepared. But we’re trying. So… [sighs] We need everybody to take a breath. We’ll be happy to answer your questions in a nice, orderly fashion, and we can get back to saving lives. It’s what we do best. It’s what I wanna do.

[The crowd claps.]

Journalist 2:          Oh wow. He’s so kind.

Journalist 3:          Wow. Incredible.

[A camera clicks.]

Lee:           Thank you.

[He covers the microphone and speaks over his shoulder.]

Don’t fuck this up, guys.

Journalist 4:          Yeah, I have a question for, uh, Dr. Jill Shepard. You’re the Chief of Medicine, correct?

Jill:             That- Yes. That’s- that’s true.

Journalist 4:          Yeah, so there’ve been a lot of rumors floating around, as I’m sure you’re aware. That’s why all of us are here. Something about bodies missing and more patients going in than really than leaving. Not to mention, people are getting discounts. And we really wanna know how this coupon program works and how you can apply for it.

Jill:             Um…g-great question. Uh, keep- keep being curious, you. Um, there—

Journalist 5:          Uh, follow up question over here. Uh, I’ve been—

Jill:             Okay.

Journalist 5:          I- I been hearing reports that this—

Jill:             Mm-hmm?

Journalist 5:          —discount program is actually a- a- a ploy to get, uh, the low-income population in the city to enter into your hospital. Which would then be exterminated, thereby eliminating the housing problem we’re having in San Francisco. Is this true?

Jill:             That is—

Journalist 5:          Is this true?

Jill:             No! That is completely untrue.

Corey:             Yes it is! It’s true!

Jill:             No. No it is not!

Corey:             Dammit!

Jill:             This is all Medicare’s fault—

Corey:             Look around! We live in a shithole!

Sylvia:            Corey…

Journalist 6:          Question. Question. I have a question.

Corey:             Silicon Valley is completely demolishing all chances of a- of a equilibrium in our economy!

Jill:             Yes! SF Buzzfeed. What is it?

Taylor:           Uh, SF Buzzfeed, my name is Taylor. Uh, i- are you aware that there are no homeless people in a two-mile radius of this hospital? They’ve all vanished.

Jill:             Um, we’re in a very, uh, affluent neighborhood. Um, there’s Homeowners Associations that have put things in charge. There’s a lot of—

Sylvia:            It’s a serial killer.

[The crowd gasps.]

Lee:           Mmm.

Sylvia:            That’s the only answer. Clearly.

Jill:             There is a serial killer on the loose.

Sylvia:            It’s the Zodiac Killer. He’s back.

Jill:             He’s still alive.

Sylvia:            He is most- it’s most certainly him.

[The crowd murmurs.]

Lee:           This is going very poorly.

Jill:             The serial killer is out there!

Lee:           I think we’re fucked.

Jill:             And- [quiet] my god.

Journalist 4:          I have a question for the surgeon.

Victor:             What? What do you want?!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Journalist 4:          How d’you- how [Sage stifles laughter] What’s it like? Tell me. How d’you- ho-how- what’s a day on the job?

[Travis snickers.]

Sylvia:            Um, he’s not the surgeon that you want to talk to. Uh, I’m pretty sure that—

Victor:             Every day my hand is wrist deep, in the very soul of this very people in this city! Every day I am up to mein waist with the human excrement—

Jill:             T-tone it- tone it- tone it down. [whispers] Don’t be so angry! Don’t be so—

Victor:             —that you shovel into this hospital. Day in and day out!

Jill:             [whispers, angry] Stop being so angry! Stop it!

Lee:           [whispers] We need to end the press conference. We need to get out of here.

Journalist 4:          Wow. Incredible. Thank you so much for the interview.

Victor:             You will join the legions of the undead horde!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[Cameras click.]

Sylvia:            Jill.

Journalist 4:          Well, I’ll give it to them. They have passion. Alright. Next question!

Jill:             [loud] Thank you everyone for coming. We will be taking no more further questions.

[The crowd clamors angrily.]

Lee:           Everybody back in the hospital. Back in the hospital! Everybody get back— Hold up! Get back in the hospital!

[Lee grabs Corey and drags him inside. The crew runs away from the crowd, slamming through the hospital doors.]

Corey:             [yells] Socialized healthcare is the future!

Sylvia:            Guys, shouldn’t we care about the hurricane?

Victor:             [irked] Now we have to go back in.

Jill:             [angry] Corey, shut the fuck up!

Corey:             If I can’t get hired at fuckin’ Survey Monkey, then I’m gonna save this city!

Lee:           Corey, I swear to God, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna let him take out your lungs.

Victor:             Let me sell Corey.

Lee:           You want your lungs gone?

Victor:             Let me sell Corey! [David stifles laughter]

Lee:           We’re not selling Corey. Look, look, okay.

Victor:             Nein!

Lee:           That could not have gone worse. I think… [sighs]

Jill:             We’re gonna die in prison. I’m gonna die in prison.

Lee:           No.

Jill:             I’m not gonna—

Lee:           No, we’re not gonna die in prison.

Jill:             —do well in prison. Do you see my face?

Corey:             [calmer] Sorry, I had a lot o’ tension that I kinda just needed to get out. I- maybe I should’ve picked a different time for that, though.

Victor:             It’s time for Plan C!

Corey:             It felt good. [chuckles]

Lee:           Plan C?

Sylvia:            Listen. As a—

Victor:             Plan C!

Lee:           Plan C?

Sylvia:            As a—

Lee:           C?

Victor:             C!

Sylvia:            Listen. As a smoking-hot middle-aged woman, we know there’s always one place that we can escape to.

[Beat.]

Cabo.

Victor:             Cabo!

Lee:           Cabo on three.

Lee, Victor:          One, two, three.

[Sage chuckles.]

Lee:           Cabo!

Victor, Jill:        Cabo!

Corey:             [hesitant] Ca-abo…

[Sage chuckles.]

[Vaporwave track Private Hospital by Eyeliner plays on a radio.]

[Waves lap on the beach and birds chirp. Music continues throughout.]

Sylvia:            I told you everything would be better in Cabo.

Jill:             [relaxed] Ahh.

Lee:           Much better. It’s amazing what shit you can do with a medical license here.

Sylvia:            Yeah. I mean, the amount of people we’ve managed to bring back from the dead is pretty impressive.

Lee:           Yeah.

Jill:             I’ve had sex with so many people.

Sylvia:            We’re really proud of you, Jill.

Jill:             Oh. Yeah. Thank you.

Sylvia:            And here, nobody cares about the manslaughter charge.

Lee:           Nope.

Corey:             [languid] Holy shit the weed.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

I feel so chilled out.

Sylvia:            That’s wonderful. Oh my son. I…may have left him.

Jason:            Yeah, but thanks for bringin’ me, Sylvia. I’m glad I could be your cabana boy. Heh!

Sylvia:            Jason you know you’re the best cabana boy. And you also know to call me Dr. Katz.

Jason:            Oh yeah. Sorry, Dr. Katz. [chuckles]

Lee:           Has anyone seen Victor?

[A jet ski revs around the water in the distance.]

Victor:             [distant] Hey guys. It’s me! I bought a ski!

[Stifled laughter.]

This is great! This is far out!

Lee:           Wow.

Corey:             Oh.

Lee:           We finally brought Elizabeth back. [Travis stifles laughter]

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Victor:             [distant] Come on, honey!

Sylvia:            She looks…bad.

Lee:           Really bad.

[Elizabet groans in the distance.]

The stitches are…clearly visible.

Sylvia:            [loud] Looking great, Liz! Killin’ it. Just killin’ it.

Victor:             [distant] Wave to the camera, Lizzy!

[The stitches in Elizabet’s arm rip and it falls off.]

Lee:           Op. That arm came off.

[Elizabet groans in the distance.]

Corey:             Well what now?

Lee:           Well I mean, I’m goin’ to hell, so…I don't know.

Sylvia:            Let’s open our own hospital.

Lee:           In Cabo?

Sylvia:            Yeah. Why not?

Lee:           Cabo General?

Sylvia:            We’ll call it the Katz Coenfield Shepard Martin Frankenstein Memorial Hospital.

[Corey gasps eagerly.]

Jill:             That has a nice ring to it.

Corey:             Do you think

[nervous chuckle] I mean, it’s just an idea, but, that I could then…be a doctor?

Sylvia:            In Cabo…everything’s possible.

Corey:             So…I’ll be…Dr. Martin?

Sylvia:            Sure. You can sell people Xanax or something.

[Travis snickers.]

British Child 2:    Oh no, Daddy, my skin complexion’s not made for this type of climate. I’m burning.

British Child 1:    Daddy, I’m red as a lobster.

British Child 3:    Oye, Daddy? Where’s the wizarding school?

[Travis stifles laughter. Emily chuckles.]

I’ve looked everywhere.

[Stifled laughter.]

British Child 1:    Daddy, do they have fish and chips here?

British Child 3:    Which one of these is Kings Cross Station? It’s just a bunch of silly-looking men with mustaches.

[Stifles laughter.]

Corey:             Lee…

British Child 1:    Why is the ocean so blue?

Corey:             What the fuck, dude? Lee? Huh?

Lee:           It’s- look. I get 'em—

Corey:             How many kids do you have? I feel like they keep multiplying.

Lee:           No. I’ve got the three. I get 'em every other weekend. So, you know…

Corey:             And you fly 'em back every time?

Lee:           Yeah.

British Child 1:    We’re so excited to be with Daddy in Cabo.

British Child 2:    Yes, Daddy!

British Child 3:    Where’s the fish and chips, Daddy?

[Corey chuckles.]

British Child 1:    Where’s the fish and chips? [Emily stifles laughter]

Corey:             Out- out there. In the ocean.

Lee:           Alright, gang. Let’s go get some fish and chips.

British Child 1:    Yay! [claps]

British Child 3:    Yay!

British Child 2:    Yay, let’s go swimming in the ocean!

British Child 1:    Yay!

Lee:           We can talk about your whore mother.

[Episode music starts.]

[Jessica gasps.]

Sage:            [amused] Oh shit! [chuckles]

[Stifled laughter.]

British Child 3:    Whore Mummy? Did you just say whore Mummy?

British Child 2:    You called our Mummy a—

British Child 1:    Daddy says Mummy’s a slag!

British Child 1&2:    Ooo!

British Child 2:    Mummy’s a slag!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

I saw you guys snogging before we left, though.

British Child 3:    She’s a right trollop, Mummy is.

British Child 2:    Oh dear.

British Child 3:    No wonder you left him, Mummy.

British Child 1:    I heard you called Mummy a mewling quim.

Lee:           That was more to myself… More to myself.

Sylvia:            I think this is the beginning of a beautiful hospital.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[Hospital theme plays to the end.]

[The Twilight Space episode-end chime plays.]

Credits

[Twilight Space music throughout.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.

Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela

Original music by Sage G.C.

A very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon Supporters of past, present, and future

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories

Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com

Narrator:         Illness, wellness,

And the balance of life

Death leads to Revival

As the Circle closes like a casket

This loop stops for no one

Even the most sacred among us,

Can crack under the pressure

After all, our jobs and our selves

Are just two sides of the same coin

One of the many effects

That come with your prescription

To the Twilight Space

Thanks for Listening!

Sage:            Hey, everyone. Sorry for yet another month-long delay. I put out that release schedule and then just immediately got caught up in some personal matters. Uh, I needed some time away from Adobe Audition anyhow, so that was good.

Anyway, there’s still one more One-Shot to go. I’m not exactly sure when it’s gonna drop. Gotta be honest. But make sure you’re subscribed or following the podcast in whatever app you’re listening to so you know as soon as it’s up. 'Cause I gotta tell you, this one’s been locked in since the very beginning. We’re so excited about it.

Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later.

DRAGON BALL Z - Part 1

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

DRAGON BALL Z - Part 1

Air Date: February 10, 2021

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Toei Animation or Funimation or any mation of any kind.

Narrator:         You unlock this door with a natural 20. Beyond it is another dimension—a dimension of sound, a dimension of dice, a dimension of mind.

We travel to a much louder version of our world. Somewhere between tradition and a radical separate future. There are numerous alien races, talking animals, a well-observed afterlife, and even beans that can cure every injury.

Occurring once every three years, the world martial arts tournament is all abuzz this spring season. And though for now they live in peace in pursuit of a challenge, new ones are fast in approach. An evil force is blooming and a new saga is beginning.

[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]

Cast Introduction

[20 Sided Stories music plays throughout.]

Sage:            Hello! And welcome to 20 Sided Stories. My name is Sage, I’m your game master and narrator. And I’m joined, of course as always, by my wonderful co-hosts and your leading players for this episode.

Travis:          Travis!

Jessica:          Jessica!

Emily:          Emily!

David:           David!

Sage:            We are about to set foot into the world of Dragon Ball. Specifically, Dragon Ball Z.

Emily:          Whoo.

Travis:          [stoked] Ah, I’m so excited!

Sage:            If you’re not familiar with Dragon Ball Z, w- [stifles laughter] where do I even begin? The world is bonkers.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Uh, it’s a long-beloved anime series that follows a group of warriors from Earth who face off against foes of extraterrestrial, synthetic, or demonic nature. Sometimes gods get involved. They train, fight, explore, and yell a lot to learn new techniques, save the world and power up and up and up.

So! To bring this life, I’ve designed a micro-RPG for us that uses a d100 and yes, we bought, and recommend, the golf ball ones with all the sides. Basically, every character has a power level, measured in Ki, which both represents your health and which of your signature techniques you can perform.

Here’s the catch. To increase this power level, you need to provide exposition. Every time you give some backstory detail or perform some juicy monologue, you will acquire power.

[Powerup chimes.]

Eventually having enough to transform and use your ultimate signature technique. Your basic abilities to roll with are Vigor, Courage, and Mind. Each character has a focus on one that gives them an advantage. And every character has a Wish. Something that they will ask of the mighty dragon, Shenron, once acquiring the Dragon Balls and summoning him.

So let’s meet our leading characters, shall we?

Jessica:          My name is Jessica and I will be playing [Tooba’s accent] Tooba. Uh, hi. I’m the last Namekian on Earth currently. Um, it’s a lot of pressure to be the only Namekian on Earth, 'cause that also means that I am Earth’s current guardian, and I feel a bit inadequate. [sniffs] Oh, I got asthma and my wish, if I had all the Dragon Balls, would be to finally have a mom.

[Stifled laughter.]

Because I’m a Namekian, so I don’t have a mom. And I think that would be really great if I could have one.

[Sage continues chuckling.]

Emily:          My name is Emily, and I will be playing [Tamago’s accent] Tamago! I’m from the planet Rankaku, uh, and my name means “egg”, which is unfortunate, because it’s why they wouldn't let me into the ginyu force because they said it wasn’t technically a dairy.

[Laughter.]

Uh, and I never really lived that one down. Um, it’s fine, though, 'cause if I get all the Dragon Balls, I would wish for friends.

[Stifled laughter.]

Travis:          My name is Travis, and I’ll be playing [Tonu’s accent] Tonu. I’m a high school student at Satan City High. I love to fight, but my mom won’t let me because she says it wouldn’t be fair. I don't know what that means, though. But I do know that if I ever got the chance to fight, I’d win. Because I’m a descendant of the greatest warrior the Earth has ever seen! Mr. Satan.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

And if I had a wish, I’d wish to meet the greatest warrior the world has ever seen…. Mr. Satan!

[Emily chuckles.]

Sage:            [Granola’s accent] Oh, is that so? Because my name is Granola, and I’ve been a rival of Tonu for years. And you know what? I’ve been told that my descendance comes from Vegeta! That’s right, the other greatest warrior ever. And my wish would be to hang out with him! So fuck you, Tonu!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Tonu:            I got no beef with this guy. I don't know what his problem is.

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            And lastly, David, who are you?

David:           Hi, my name is David and I’ll be playing [King Kai’s accent] King Kai! I’m the guy who’s gonna teach these little ragamuffins how to fight.

[Laughter.]

Sage:            Alright, so yeah. We’re very far into the future. Um, don’t worry about all this stuff. [chuckles] It’s Dragon Ball Z and super. We’re gonna be kickin’ it old school for this one. No multiverse threats. We’re just on Earth. We’re a bunch of lowly heroes trying to get started and level up. Sound good, everybody?

David:           Hai!

Jessica:          Whoo!

Travis:          Yeah!

Narrator:         It is time to train and battle on this world of passion, power, and pain. You’re about to enter the TWILIGHT SPACE: ONE SHOT #5 - DRAGON BALL Z.

[Music crescendos and fades.]

DRAGON BALL Z - Part 1

[Mysterious music.]

Mysterious Android:     May 7th, one month since my awakening on planet 4032-877. Hard to believe. I continue to wander this world, a seemingly endless search. The inhabitants of this Earth, they believe they are in an era of peace. But among them still is stifled pain, wasted time, getting in their own way constantly.

[Scanner beeps.]

Wait. Was that…

[Scanner beeps rapidly.]

Yes. There. A blip. Huh, could it be…? 100 miles north. Off I go.

[He takes off in flight with a whoosh.]

[Gentle, upbeat music.]

Sage:            The sun rises on a bright spring day. The sky is blue and there’s a crowd buzzing with excitement. They’re filling a huge square bleacher that wraps all the way around this ring. The ring is also square. There’s no boundaries, but there is grass kind of separating the bleachers and the ring. Everyone is having a great time. And then you see another smaller crowd, kind of off to the side of the ring, following a man who’s bringing out this green machine.

Announcer:      Alright, step up! It’s time to qualify for the World Martial Arts Tournament. You know the ru—

Tonu:            Ooo, ooo, I wanna go! Can I go first, can I go first?

Announcer:      I wasn’t done with my spiel.

Tonu:            Oh. I’m sorry.

Announcer:      Oh, that’s okay. We’re all very excited. The top fifteeeeeen punchers will be our contenders for the tournament. When you punch the machine it’ll measure your strength—

Tonu:            ’Scuse me!

Announcer:      [slightly annoyed] Yes?

Tonu:            How long is this gonna take? 'Cause I- I really wanna punch it.

Announcer:      Alright then. You’re up first!

Tonu:            Alright! Alright, King Kai, you ready?

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Man Not This You! Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow. A bottle of pippin stocks for Man Not This You! I was born ready. Just get around to it already.

Tonu:            Alright.

[Tonu steps forward. Misadventure tune plays.]

King Kai:           Wait, wait, wait!

Tonu:            Huh?

King Kai:           You’re too tense. I can tell by your muscles and your shoulders that you’re too tense. You need to shake it up a little. Here, let me tell you a joke!

Tonu:            Uh…

King Kai:           It’s the most important part of your training.

Tonu:            Alright, fine.

King Kai:           What did the Italian say to the walrus?

Tonu:            I don't know.

Announcer:      Hey, kid, are you gonna go or not? You kinda rushed me through my speech there, and now you’re just fuckin’ standing here.

King Kai:           Never mind.

Tonu:            [flustered] I’m sorry! It—

King Kai:           Never mind, I’ll tell you when you’re done.

Tonu:            I- [irked sigh] Okay.

[Stifled laughter.]

[Motivating music.]

Doesn’t seem fair. Alright. This is the first time I’ve ever gotten to really hit something. This is so exciting. My whole life I’ve been, told don’t try. You can’t hit. Because I- I don't know. But, I mean, I know I’m stronger than all the other kids in my class, but you know, I just- I’ve always wanted to let loose and this is my chance—

[Granola screams and rushes forward, slamming into the punch machine.]

Huh?

King Kai:           What the hell was that?

[Bell dings.]

Granola:       Ha! That’s right! Granola got 102.

[Misadventure music.]

King Kai:           Granola?

Tonu:            Oh, what?

Granola:       Too slow, nerd!

Tonu:            He cut in line! That’s no fair!

Announcer:      Wow, 102 for Granola. Incredible!

King Kai:           Jesus. That Granola guy’s really got his act together. I wish I was his mentor.

[Sage chuckles.]

Tonu:            [offended] Oh.

King Kai:           No offense.

Tonu:            Come on! That’s not nice, King Kai. I’m right here.

King Kai:           I said, “no offense.” It’s just a fact.

Tonu:            [offended] Ah, man.

Granola:       You’re gonna have to step it up and be a little bit quicker, Tonu, if you wanna beat me in this tournament.

King Kai:           Tonu, I hate to tell you, but that guy’s right.

Tonu:            Alright! Well, I’m sorry. I got distracted by the joke and—

King Kai:           I told you, I’ll tell you the punchline to the joke after you’re done not sucking.

Tonu:            Don’t worry Granola. I’m coming for you. Alright, here we go.

[He steps forward again.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Tonu screams and punches the machine. Bells and chimes go off.]

Announcer:      Wow! 100 points for Tonu.

[Powerup chimes.]

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Not bad. Pretty good.

Tonu:            Yeah! I’m pretty proud of that.

King Kai:           It’s still not as good as Granola, though.

Tonu:            [irked sigh] Well that’s 'cause he’s been fighting longer than I have. He’s on the school martial arts team.

[Tamago’s theme.]

Announcer:      Alright, it looks like we have some other fighters who need to qualify.

Tamago:       [approaching] Ooo, I’d like to go! I’d like to go, I’d like to go.

Announcer:      Well, what’s your name on this list? I can’t find it.

Tamago:       It’s Tamago.

Announcer:      Tamago… Hmm…

[The Announcer flips through his papers.]

Tonu:            Wow, she’s funny lookin’.

Tamago:       What? I can hear you.

[David chuckles.]

Thank you.

Tonu:            Sorry! I just- I’ve never seen someone so, uh, blue before.

Tamago:       I’ve never seen someone so short before.

[Put down warble.]

Tonu:            Oh.

King Kai:           [amused] Oh, she got you!

[Stifled laughter.]

She’s good at humor. I wish she was my tut- my- my tutelage.

Tonu:            Stop saying that you wish everyone else was your student! It’s starting to get- hurt my feelings.

King Kai:           I said “no offense”.

[Tamago’s theme resumes.]

Announcer:      Well I guess I’ll add you to the list, Tamago. But it seems like somebody forgot about you pretty intentionally.

Tamago:       That happens a lot.

Announcer:      We’ve never made an error like this before.

Tamago:       Uh, that- that’s alright. Can I, uh, can I still do it?

Announcer:      Tamago’s up! Punch the machine!

Tamago:       Oh, do I have to punch it or can I kick it?

Announcer:      It’s called the punch machine.

Tamago:       Oh—

Announcer:      No kicking allowed.

[Stifled laughter.]

Or you’re disqualified.

Tamago:       Okay. Uh…

[Stat test chime.]

[Tamago screams and punches the machine. Chimes and bells go off.]

Travis:          Holy shit.

Announcer:      76 from Tamago.

[Powerup chimes.]

Not bad.

Tamago:       Thank you!

Announcer:      Not quite on the level of Granola and Tonu. But so far ya still qualify 'cause we’ve only gone through three people.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tamago:       Yay! [giggles]

Tonu:            Wow, Tamago! You’re really strong!

Tamago:       Thank you. So are you! You’re so little, but there’s so much power in you.

Sage:            So we then go through several more fighters who are ready to compete in the tournament and they punch this machine. And after an hour of attendees, there’s one last person in line.

Tooba:          Oh…

Sage:            A little tiny kid who’s green.

Tooba:          I don't know, King Kai. I know you don’t believe in your other dude, uh, Tanya. But…

[Stifled laughter.]

But I don’t think I could be as strong as him.

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Tooba, listen to me. Only a few people at the same time can recruit King Kai’s magical tutelage. So you have to believe in yourself that I see great potential in you. But you have to loosen up your shoulders, and the only way to effectively do that is with humor.

Tooba:          Okay…

King Kai:           So we’re gonna tell you a little joke before we get started, okay?

Tooba:          Okay.

King Kai:           And then all your misgivings will evaporate.

Tooba:          Will it make me have a mom?

King Kai:           In the long run, maybe.

[Sage and Travis chuckle.]

Tooba:          Okay. Go ahead.

King Kai:           What did the doctor say to the invisible man?

Tooba:          I don't know.

King Kai:           I’m sorry, but I can’t see you now.

Tooba:          Oh. [chuckles lightly]

King Kai:           See? Now you’re loosened up. Now give that machine everything you’ve got!

Tooba:          Okay!

Sage:            100 points of power for both Tooba and King Kai.

[Stat test chime.]

Tooba:          [hesitant] Excuse me, sir? I’d like to go.

King Kai:           Say it with your chest!

Tooba:          [hesitant, but firmer & louder] Uh, excuse me sir! I’d like to go!

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Announcer:      Alright. Tooba, you’re the last on the list. Go ahead and give it a punch.

[Tooba steps forward, screams as he powers up, and punches the machine. The machine beeps.]

Tooba:          Uh…

[Failure chime.]

Announcer:      51 from Tooba.

Tooba:          Oh, man.

Announcer:      Hmm. Well… [Sage stifles laughter] Looks like you don’t qualify.

Tooba:          Oh, King Kai. I was loosened up and I didn’t qualify. [tearful] I’m never gonna get a mom now.

King Kai:           Tooba, the most important thing is not giving up hope. There’s plenty of ways into this competition without qualifying. You just have to be the dark horse. The jabroni. The outsider! You have to just sneak in.

Tooba:          Uh…

King Kai:           People do it all the time.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tooba:          Okay.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

King Kai:           You and I are gonna sneak into this competition. And we’re gonna take somebody’s costume.

[Laughter.]

[Misadventure music.]

Tooba:          [hesitant] What? I—

King Kai:           Do you trust me or don’t you?!

Tooba:          I—

King Kai:           Do I have to tell you another joke?

Tooba:          But I wanna be myself. I don’t wanna pretend to be someone else.

King Kai:           Yourself didn’t qualify!

[Stifled laughter.]

Are you paying attention to what’s happening around you?

Tooba:          Yes, I am!

[Tooba walks over to the Announcer.]

Uh, excuse me, sir?

King Kai:           Say it with your chest!

Tooba:          [deeper] Excuse me, sir!

Announcer:      Uh, yes. Hello, uh, little Tooba. Namekian kid.

Tooba:          T-O-O-B-A. I am the last Namekian on Earth and I think that I should be considered to do this. I’m a descendant from Piccolo!

[Beat.]

Announcer:      Prove it.

Tooba:          My name is Tooba, and I’m a Namekian. What- how else am I supposed to prove that?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Tooba, roll me Courage.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          [quiet, pained] Oh, I got a 23.

[Failure chime.]

[Stifled laughter.]

Announcer:      Listen, kid. I think you’re a little more fit for the junior division, don’tcha think?

Tooba:          Uh…

King Kai:           Say, yes! That way we actually get in the building. We’re already two-thirds of the way there!

Tooba:          I guess I- I am only, like, eight.

Announcer:      Great! Well, then I’ll sign you up for the junior league. Have fun.

Tooba:          Uh, does that mean I not- I don’t get to join all the big kids?

Announcer:      Nope!

Tooba:          Do I get to have a wish? At the end?

Announcer:      [gasps] Good Segway.

[The Announcer turns on his microphone. Feedback squeals for a moment.]

[on loudspeaker] Everybody!

[Lights clank as they turn on around the stadium.]

Welcome to the 200ish world tournament- martial arts world tournament!

[The crowd cheers.]

Tonu:            Boy!

Tamago:       Yay!

Tonu:            I can’t wait!

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] We have a very special prize this year. Seeings to the fact that our previous year’s champion, uh, Tomato—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—got hit by a train—

[Emily and Travis stifle laughter.]

—we no longer have a winner, uh, a champion at the front. That means this year it’s anybody’s shot. And of course, for such celebration, we have one of the best prizes we’ve ever offered.

[Tamago gasps.]

Not only will you be the reigning champ and get fame and glory and shit like that, you will be given…seven dragon balls!

[Excited chime. Tooba gasps.]

Tamago:       Oh!

Tonu:            Wow!

Tooba:          Oh, whoa!

Granola:       No way.

Tonu:            King Kai, did you hear that? All seven dragon balls.

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           I heard it alright.

Tamago:       I can finally have friends.

King Kai:           I heard it. And you’d better win this competition, because we need your wish to come true more than anybody’s.

Tonu:            Wow. I didn’t realize you wanted to meet Hercule so bad too.

King Kai:           Uh…yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Sage:            Eh, it’s a little bit of extra. 50 points.

[Powerup chimes.]

Travis:          Hey! [chuckles]

David:           Baboom.

Announcer:      Alright, and first up is... Tamago!

Tamago:       Oh my god that’s me!

Tonu:            Alright. Can’t wait to see her fight.

Tamago:       Wow. I’m so excited!

Announcer:      Versus!

[Tamago gasps.]

Tonu!

[Crowd cheers. Tonu and Tamago gasp.]

Tonu:            Oh!

Tamago:       Oh my gosh. Oh. Um. Hi. We—

Tonu:            Hi!

Tamago:       We met before. [chuckles]

Tonu:            Yeah! You’re really strong. Wow, I’m excited! This is gonna be great!

Tamago:       Oh, you’re really strong too. Oh.

King Kai:           Don’t get too excited. There’s no room for romance in the ring.

Tonu:            What? Romance?

King Kai:           You need to focus on defeating your opponent and nothing else.

Tonu:            I don’t care about s-stupid girls. I just wanna hit something!

King Kai:           That’s right! The only important things in this entire world are both fighting and comedy.

Granola:       Wow. Pretty cool, Tonu. I guess you’re going up first. I’m kinda jealous to be honest. I’m really ready to get in there. But I know me and you are gonna face off. So get ready.

Tonu:            [cheerful] Okay. Good luck!

[Annoyed warble. Misadventure music.]

King Kai:           No! You have to be mean to him! That’s your- that’s your blood fueder person.

Tonu:            What?

Tamago:       Are you guys friends?

Tonu:            Me and Granola? Yeah, we’ve been in school together since we were kids. He’s a great guy!

Tamago:       Oh, wow. That’s cool.

Granola:       Yeah.

King Kai:           He’s not a great guy! He’s your competitor!

Tonu:            What?

Granola:       I’m the greatest!

[King Kai growls.]

Tonu:            He can be kinda hard to deal with sometimes, but I know he means well.

King Kai:           Tonu, we’re gonna have to work on your fighting spirit if we’re gonna get you anywhere in this competition.

Sage:            That was a pretty good amount of exposition from Travis. I’m gonna go ahead and give you 500 points.

[Powerup chimes.]

Travis:          Wow!

[David whistles.]

Jessica:          [impressed] What?

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Alright, Tonu aaaand…

[Feedback squeals as he covers the microphone with a hand and turns to Tamago.]

I already forgot your name.

Tamago:       It’s Tamago. It’s fine, everybody forgets me. Whatever. Okay.

Announcer:      Tamago…? Oh, that’s right!

[Tamago sighs.]

Where are you from, by the way?

Tamago:       Oh, I’m from, uh, Renkaku. It’s a really far away planet. I was, like, briefly in the finals for the Ginyu Force, that’s how you might know me. But then I- I didn’t make it.

Announcer:      Well that’s too bad.

Sage:            [chuckles] Good exposition, though. +300 points.

[Powerup chimes.]

Tonu:            King Kai?

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Yeah?

Tonu:            What’s the Ginyu Force?

King Kai:           The Ginyu Force is a super-powerful group of people that you would probably die if you ever tried to compete against.

Tonu:            [panicked] Wha-

[Misadventure music.]

But she’s from the Ginyu Force!

King Kai:           She’s not from the Ginyu Force, she’s a washup. But that doesn't mean that you can take your eyes off the prize. The key here is keeping yourself loose and your soul balanced. And that means that you need to do some serious contemplation of some humor.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tonu:            Okay.

King Kai:           What did that little boy who swallowed a roll of quarters say to the doctor?

Tonu:            Uh…I don't- I don't know.

King Kai:           No change yet!

[Rimshot.]

Tonu:            Oh, I don’t think I get that.

[Sage chuckles.]

King Kai:           It’s okay. While you’re contemplating it like a Koan, you can go in there and distract yourself from the things that would normally inhibit your ability to battle. Now go in there and remember what I taught you.

Tonu:            I get it. Thanks!

Sage:            Pretty good exchange from Tonu and King Kai. I’m gonna say +200 for both of you.

[Powerup chimes.]

Announcer:      Alright!

[Fight bells ring out.]

Tamago:       Oh! Are we fighting?

Announcer:      If you get knocked out of the ring, you lose and you suck! But if you remain in the ring, you win! And you move on to the next round, the semifinals. More than likely [Sage stifles laughter] for time.

Tamago:       Oh wow, this is a lot of pressure.

Tonu:            Yeah.

Tamago:       Usually in my line of work I have the element of surprise. But this is like y-you know I’m gonna try to attack you, so it’s a whole ’nother thing, really.

Announcer:      Are you ready?

Tamago:       Uh, yeah? Okay!

Announcer:      Begin!

[Fighting bell rings out. Battle music builds.]

Tonu:            Before we start fighting, Tamago.

Tamago:       Yeah?

Tonu:            I just want you to know it’s an honor to have my first real fight against someone as strong as you.

Tamago:       Oh.

Tonu:            And no matter what…

Tamago:       Oh.

Tonu:            I hope we can be friends after this.

Tamago:       Wait, wait. You wanna be my friend?

Tonu:            Well, sure!

Tamago:       Oh my god. [excited] Oh my god! This is—

Tonu:            Yeah!

Tamago:       [excited] Oh! Okay! Uh

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           God dammit, Tonu! What are you doing?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Tamago:       Uh, I’m so sorry, but I really have to punch you!

[She runs forward with a scream.]

Tonu:            Okay!

[Stat test chime.]

Wow!

[Sage chuckles.]

Emily:          [amused] It’s 99.

Travis:          Wow!

Jessica:          [amused] Ohh.

Sage:            Damn! [chuckles]

[The punch lands and Tonu cries out.]

King Kai:           I told you you couldn't go easy on her!

Tamago:       I’m sorry! Uh, but also I’m not sorry. But also can we still be friends?

King Kai:           You weren’t contemplating the joke correctly. I went through all that trouble, telling you hundreds of jokes, and you just forgot them at the first sight of a lady!

Tonu:            I’m sorry, King Kai. I just- I don’t get your jokes and—

[Angry bubble pops.]

King Kai:           [offended gasp] Oh dare you! We’re gonna have a lot to talk about after this fight.

Tamago:       Oh my god, I’m so sorry!

Tonu:            Wow! This is gonna be fun! Alright, here we go!

[He screams and runs forward.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Emily:          73.

Travis:          103.

[Tonu punches Tamago and she soars back.]

Tamago:       Oh my gosh, you punch real strong!

Tonu:            Wow! Thanks! That- that was my first time!

Tamago:       Oh my gosh, really? You- you’re a natural. Congratulations!

Tonu:            Cool. You know, I’m not gonna lie. I’m pretty excited and confident because, even though I’ve never fought before, I’m a descendant of the greatest fighter this world has ever seen. The man who beat Freeza, Cell, and Majin Buu.

Tamago:       Oh, wow! Here’s a good tip. Don’t talk as much.

[She charges with a scream.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          46.

Emily:          66.

Sage:            Ooo.

[Success chime.]

[Tamago’s punch lands and Tonu cries out.]

Tonu:            I wasn’t even done with my story!

Tamago:       I know. Y-you kinda gotta, like, speed up the fighting thing. That- that’s part of how it works.

Tonu:            Alright. If you say so.

[He sprints forward with a scream.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          81.

Emily:          8.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Tamago cries out as Tonu’s punch throws her back.]

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Tonu. Tonu, listen to me.

Tonu:            Huh? Oh.

King Kai:           You have to make it a decisive victory now, while everybody’s watching.

Tonu:            Alright. Well, I mean, should I- should I use a move or…

King Kai:           You have to use the special move I taught you when you came seeking my help all those years ago.

Tonu:            Alright.

Sage:            Ooo. Great exposition. +500 points to King Kai.

[Powerup chimes.]

David:           Babow.

[Sage chuckles.]

Tonu:            Let’s see if I can remember how to do this.

[He sets his feet.]

Alright, Tamago. This has been fun, but I wanna end this.

Tamago:       That’s what everybody says.

Tonu:            Solar Flare!

[Tonu’s special ability squeals.]

Sage:            Oh no. A huge burst of light.

[Tamago screams.]

Tamago starts stumbling out of the ring.

[Tamago screams again.]

And unless she can roll Courage, she’s gonna hit the grass.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Emily:          122.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Wow! Alright.

[Tamago grunts as she catches herself and jumps back into the ring.]

Tamago:       That was a really cool trick!

Tonu:            Thanks! I can’t believe you made it back to the ring! That was amazing!

Tamago:       Yeah. I got real bendy bones.

Tonu:            That’s a relief. 'Cause otherwise this might break a few. Ready?

Tamago:       Do it.

[Stat test chime.]

[Tonu charges with a scream. Time slows with a warble.]

[Success chime.]

[Time resumes and Tonu’s punch sends Tamago out of the ring. She lands on the grass with a thud.]

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] The winner is Tonu!

Tonu:            [gasps] Oh. Alright! I won! King Kai, did you hear that? I won!

Woman:          [distant] Tonu!

[Misadventure music.]

Tonu!

Tonu:            Huh?

Woman:          What on earth are you doing?

Tonu:            Wha- uh, Mom?

Tonu’s Mom:     Tonu!

Tonu:            Oh god! Mom! Uh, uh, I was just—

Tonu’s Mom:     Are you beating up an innocent blue girl?

Tonu:            Well, it’s kind of a—

Tamago:       I-it’s fine. It happens a lot. And also I-I’m here by- by choice. 'Cause I’m tryin’a make friends. Um. Your son is my friend now. I think.

Tonu’s Mom:     My son is not allowed to date! My son is not allowed to fight.

Tonu:            Ah, Mom. Did you have to come all the way to the tournament and- and embarrass me like this?

Tamago:       Don’t worry, ma’am. I’m way too old for your son.

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Tonu, listen to me. You have to tell your mother about the endorsement deal.

Tonu:            Oh, right!. Okay, Mom, so look—

Sage:            Amazing exposition from King Kai. [amused] Another 500 points.

[Powerup chimes.]

Tonu:            Mom, no. If I win the tournament, I’m gonna get the dragon balls. And then we can wish for whatever we want!

King Kai:           Tonu, I said the endorsement deal is what you have to- tell her about the endorsement deal!

Tonu:            Oh! Okay, so my sensei told me that if I win, we can get endorsement deals, and that we could—

Tonu’s Mom:     Oh my god.

Tonu:            I don't know what that means, but it sounds nice.

Tonu’s Mom:     You’re not gonna become a sellout! We don’t need money! We don’t need to feed into this capitalistic society! We’re living in a cottage and you’re gonna focus on your studies, young man.

Tonu:            Oh…

Tonu’s Mom:     I am sick and tired of you not listening to me. I am a mother who takes care of you! Your father left us and I’ve been a single mother this whole time, taking care of you, making money for this family, and you disrespect me this way!

Sage:            Wow.

Tonu’s Mom:     How dare you!

Sage:            So much exposition.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

If only you were play- you had a character sheet for this character.

[Chuckling.]

Travis:          Give the mom points, Sage!

Sage:            Nope, movin’ on.

Jessica:          Damnit!

AD BREAK

[Radio clicks on.]

Kristin Couture:    We’ll be right back after these messages.

[Radio crackles off.]

[Gentle music.]

King Kai:           Thank you for all your spirit energy, Koharu0.

And Jelica Baker.

And Chloe Grossman.

And Jeremy Stanley.

And who can forget D McNutt.

Eyes of the Shifter.

Pinky Francisco.

Rafael Melendez.

Shameer Goss.

And my favorite Heather Zelle.

But let’s not forget other special people like Jesse.

Matthew Warby.

Bubbles, put that down!

[Bubbles the monkey screeches.]

Ren.

Johnny Stanton.

And of course Frank Janisch.

Thanks for all our help. And if you’d like to help out more, come to patreon.com/20 Sided Stories

What’s great about the Patreon is that it gives you a special place in our Discord. 20 Sided Stories Discord. That’s where I hang out all the time. I hope to see you there!

[Music fades and radio clicks off.]

DRAGON BALL Z - Part 1.5

[Gentle space music.]

Mysterious Android:     There. The World Martial Arts tournament. Another pesky excuse for these humans to inflate their ego. Pathetic.

[Scanner beeps as it turns on.]

Scanning power levels.

[Scanner beeps rapidly as it reads the horizon.]

Mostly low, except for a notable few. Hmm.

[Scanner clicks off.]

Must investigate. Flying over now.

[Flight whoosh.]

Tooba:          Oh, gosh.

[Misadventure music.]

I don't know about this King Kai.

[Mental link chirp.]

King Kai:           No. It’s fine. I- this is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Now you just have to go into this locker room and you have to take one of the grown-up’s outfits and put it on.

Tooba:          Okay. Are you sure it’s not gonna look ridiculous? I’m, like, only two feet tall.

King Kai:           Yeah, well I have antennas sticking out of my head and I’m a great, big, blue basket. So out-

[Stifled laughter.]

We’re all worried about looking ridiculous, there. It’s not a big deal. Just go in there and put the costume on!

Tooba:          [hesitant] Okay.

Sage:            And then there’s a strange figure.

[Tooba gasps.]

Standing there.

Tooba:          Oh. [hesitant] Hello?

Sage:            They’re annoyingly plain. The only notable features being a red puffer vest and a very dead stare in their eyes.

Tooba:          Um… Hi. Uh, my name’s Tooba. I’m not doing anything suspicious like stealing someone’s outfit in order to participate in the fighting league so I can wish to have a mom and- and—

King Kai:           [irked] You’re talking too much, Tooba!

Tooba:          Oh, sorry. Uh…

Mysterious Android:     Attempting to sneak into the tournament, you say?

Tooba:          Maybe. Who’s asking?

Mysterious Android:     Don’t worry about it.

Tooba:          Uh. Okay…

Mysterious Android:     You mentioned a wish. Are you referring to the dragon balls?

Tooba:          …Yeah.

Mysterious Android:     So they are here. I want them.

Tooba:          You don’t sound like a good guy.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

I don't know.

King Kai:           Well, let’s hear him out.

Tooba:          Okay—

[Jessica stifles laughter, Sage chuckles, and Travis laughs.]

King Kai! I’m supposed to be the Earth guardian! I’m the last Namekian on Earth. I have to make sure the Dragon Balls get into the right hands.

King Kai:           Okay. Well we can decide when- the hands the Dragon Balls end up when we actually have them. But this guy seems to have some kind of line on how to get them.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Tooba, can you roll me Mind?

Tooba:          Yeah.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Uh, that’s, like, 106 I think.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            That’s really effective. So Tooba is very smart. Studied in school, knows so much about history. Tooba’s pretty confident, this is an android.

[Suspenseful music.]

Tooba:          Uh…King Kai, can you hear me? I’m talking through my mind, not out loud.

King Kai:           Of course I can hear- tha- we’ve been doing this telepathically the whole time. Everybody’s just been thinking that you’re talking to yourself.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Tooba:          No, but- yeah, but this time I’m not talking out loud. So it just kinda looks like I’m thinking.

King Kai:           …Okay. What did the therapist—

[Travis stifles laughter.]

—say to the guy who came in pretending—

Tooba:          King Kai, you gotta—

King Kai:           —that he was a pair of grapes?

Tooba:          King Kai, we don’t have time for jokes!

[Angry bubble pops.]

King Kai:           There’s always time for jokes! You need to relax more!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

That’s why we’re ending in all these problems.

Tooba:          This- this person is not a person. It’s an android!

King Kai:           What?

Announcer:      [on loud speaker] Wow! What a tremendous several rounds we just went through of fighting. Incredible. Lots of people have been knocked out and knocked out of the ring. This has been quite a day. What a wonderful tournament. I feel great! Anyone wanna know about me?

Tamago:       No.

Tonu:            I’m okay.

Announcer:      [on loud speaker] Okay, moving on! [Sage stifles laughter] We have one more match before the finals. Er, I guess the semifinals. No, the finals. That’d be way more epic.

[Stifled laughter.]

Tonu versus Granola!

[Fight bell dings. Action music.]

Tamago:       Whoo! Go, Tonu!

Granola:       Wow, it’s finally gonna happen.

[Both of them step into the ring.]

Tonu:            Hey, Tamago?

Tamago:       Yeah? What?

Tonu:            Look I’m just- I just wanted to say, you know, I came here looking for a fight. And I’m always gonna remember that my first fight was with you and it was- it was just the best. And thanks. And I don't know if you have to go back to your home planet after this, but if not, I really wanna be your friend 'cause—

Tamago:       Oh, no. I live in the woods.

Tonu:            Me too!

Tamago:       What?

Tonu:            Yeah!

Tamago:       Oh my gosh!

Tonu:            I live in a cottage—

Tamago:       We’re twins!

Tonu:            Uh…

Granola:       Hey, Tonu.

[Electric guitar strums.]

You and I have something to settle.

Tonu:            [irked] Hold on a second, Granola. I’ll be right there. Calm down.

Granola:       Everybody’s waiting! There’s hundreds of people in the crowd!

Tamago:       [irked] He said wait!

Granola:       Uuugh!

Tonu:            I’m sorry, what were you gonna say, Tamago?

[Hopeful music.]

Tamago:       I was gonna say you’re my only friend and please kick this guy’s ass.

Tonu:            Oh. Alright, cool. Here we go!

[Electric guitar strums.]

Alright, Granola. It’s you and it’s me.

Granola:       Are you finally ready to actually step up to the plate?

Tonu’s Mom:     Tonu! Tonu!

Tonu:            Oh. Hold on, Granola. My mom’s here.

[Emily chuckles.]

[Misadventure music.]

Granola:       God damnit!

Tonu’s Mom:     Okay, Tonu. I have to tell you something.

Tonu:            Yeah?

Tamago:       Ma’am, I’m very sorry.

Tonu’s Mom:     No- oh—

Tonu:            Oh no. The two most important—

Tonu’s Mom:     Are you tryin’a fight me?

Tonu:            The two most important women in my life—

Tamago:       No. I’m just gonna pick you up and put you over my shoulder and carry you far away from here really quickly.

Tonu’s Mom:     We’re descendants from Gohan and Goku!

[Mysterious, shocked music.]

Tonu:            What?! Who the hell are they?

Mysterious Android:     [slowly] Where are the Dragon Balls?

Tooba:          [nervous] Uh… Why do you keep asking me that?

Mysterious Android:     That’s none of your concern, little Namekian. You need to tell me now.

Tooba:          O- n-no, but it- it is my concern. It’s my job to protect everybody on this planet.

Mysterious Android:     This is bigger than that.

Tooba:          Uuumm…

Mysterious Android:     I’m getting impatient.

Tooba:          [nervous] Oh gosh. Na- there’s no winning. Oh no. Oh. W- do you wanna hear a joke?

[Beat.]

Mysterious Android:     [confused] What?

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

[Crowd chatters in the bleachers. Suspenseful music.]

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Still waitin’ on Tonu and Granola to get to fightin’. Any minute now.

Tonu’s Mom:     You are a Saiyan, son. That’s why it’s too unfair for you to fight.

Tonu:            ’Scuse me, what’s a Saiyan?

Granola:       Oh my god, Tonu.

Tonu:            Huh?

Granola:       Oldest legend in the book.

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Tonu, the reason that you can do half of this stuff that I showed you how to do is because you’re a Saiyan.

Tonu:            Yeah, because Mr. S- Mr.- Yeah, Mr. Satan.

Tamago:       Oh.

Tonu:            He’s my ancestor 'cause I’m de- Yeah, Mr.- okay. I see. You getting it wrong. Mr. Satan. Everybody together. [slowly] Mr. Sata- [normal] Why is nobody doing it with me?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tamago:       Wait, do you have a tail?

Tonu:            What?

Tamago:       Do you have a tail?

Tonu:            Well, I mean, I- I had one. But they wouldn’t—

Tonu’s Mom:     Yes.

Tamago:       And that—

Tonu:            They removed it.

Tamago:       And that wasn’t weird to you at all?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Like, you were never like, why do I have a tail?

Tonu:            Well I nev- I never really thought much of it. I went to the doctor and then they took it off, I guess. But, you know…

Tamago:       Oh wow.

Sage:            Lots of exposition has been dropped. 1,000 points to everybody.

[Powerup chimes.]

Travis:          Yay!

King Kai:           Tonu, listen to me, Tonu! Before you get into this fight you have to realize that the only reason you can do half of this stuff that I’ve shown you is because you’re a Saiyan deep down inside.

Tonu:            What’s that?

King Kai:           It’s the key that you’re going to have to unlock in order to defeat Granola. You’re going to have to more than double your old power level in order to face off against him and reign supreme.

Tonu:            [sighs] So wait. Is Mr. Satan not my grandpa? I’m confused.

Granola:       And I’m sick of [screams] waiting!

[Granola charges toward Tonu, powering up a move.]

Tonu:            Huh?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            114.

Jessica:          Shit.

Travis:          Whoa! W-w-wa- oh, oh, oh! Shit!

Sage:            What?

Travis:          Oh, oh god math. Oh, why am I dumber than my character?

[Sage chuckles.]

Oh god. Uh, hold on. 123.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Bullshit! No! [chuckles]

Tonu’s Mom:     Tonu!

[Granola’s move slams into Tonu, but backfires when Tonu blocks it. Granola screams as he’s thrown across the ring and bounces to a stop.]

Tonu:            I blocked it. Oh my god, that’s amazing.

[Granola pants.]

It’s like something- something came over me. Like, I didn’t even mean to do that.

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           That’s the inner-Saiyan power. It’s like when you realize you’re funny for the first time when you make a crowd of people laugh.

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

You need to focus on that power, Tonu. And you need to bend it to your will.

Tonu:            Okay.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Granola:       [pants, internal monologue] Oh my god. I-impossible. I put- I put everything I had into that hit. I really thought this was it. I really thought…damnit. [growls] If I’m gonna beat Tonu, I’m gonna have to pull out one of my special techniques.

Tonu:            Okay, Granola…

[Granola grunts as he focuses on powering up.]

I know you and I have been good friends for a long time.

Granola:       [mocking] Huh. Friends.

Tonu:            But there’s obviously something more here going on than either of us know about. But all I know is that I’m a descendant of Mr. Satan, the world’s greatest hero. And I guess maybe something else that no one feels like they need to explain to me.

Tonu’s Mom:     I’ve been telling you this for years. You’re just obsessed with Mr. Satan!

Tonu:            Yeah, he’s really great.

[Tonu’s Mom groans in exasperation.]

And I’m gonna use that and whatever this is to kick your ass.

Granola:       Oh yeah? Well answer me this, Tonu.

Tonu:            What?

Granola:       What day of the week is it?

Tonu:            Uh…Thursday?

Granola:       Wrong!

[Granola’s ability chimes.]

Double Sunday!

Tonu:            Huh?

[Granola screams as he powers up.]

Sage:            Several mountains blow up unnecessarily in the distance.

[Action music intensifies.]

Tonu:            Oh my god. Wow, that was incredible. I really gotta focus here.

Tamago:       You got this!

Tonu:            Okay. My inner Saiyan. My inner Saiyan. What could that mean?

King Kai:           Well let me ask you this. Was there anything that you ever did growing up that indicated that you were different from other children?

Tonu:            Well, like they were talking about, I had a tail. And one time, I turned into a monkey that was, like, sixty stories tall and I wrecked half the city. But that’s not that weird, is it?

King Kai:           That’s pretty weird.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

You’re a Saiyan, Tonu, and you need to embrace it.

Tonu:            Is that like a- a job? Do I have to apply?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

King Kai:           No. That’s something that you’re given. It’s something that you’re born with. You’re not descended from other Earthlings.

[Tonu gasps.]

You’re a different sort of person entirely. One much more special and powerful.

Tonu:            [baffled] I’m an alien?

King Kai:           How else—yes!

Tonu:            Hey, Tamago!

Tamago:       Yeah? What?

Tonu:            I’m an alien too!

Tamago:       What? I’m an alien!

Tonu:            Yeah! That’s so cool! We’re both alien!

Tamago:       Yeah!

Tonu:            Wow!

Tamago:       Now go kick his ass because you’re an alien!

Tonu:            Oh, okay.

[Granola groans in exasperation.]

Alright.

Granola:       Tonu, I’ve had enough of this. You just keep wasting my time as if the- as if- as if it just doesn't even matter to you! We’ve been rivals our entire lives! Don’t you understand how important this match is? Only one of us is gonna be in the finals! Only one!

King Kai:           Tonu, I don’t understand. How did this rivalry start?

Tonu:            I don't know. I thought we were pretty good friends but, hmm. Well, if I think about it, one time, when we were in first grade, we were both gonna go on the slide. And then I wasn’t looking and I accidently broke the slide. [Travis stifles laughter]

[David and Sage stifle laughter.]

King Kai:           What?

Tonu:            Yeah. So he couldn't go on the slide 'cause I was playing tag kind of without looking and I broke it. And I guess that’s just something he’s kinda held against me this whole time.

King Kai:           Now, when you say you broke the slide…

[Sage and Travis stifle laughter.]

D’you mean, like, in half? Or just knocked it over?

Tonu:            Well, both really. Kinda- it broke in half and then it- it fell in.

King Kai:           Okay.

Tonu:            After that, that’s when I got my tail removed.

[Sage chuckles.]

King Kai:           I don't know how else to explain this to you, but you need to play tag with Granola. You need to play tag with Granola, right fuckin’ now.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Tonu:            [determined] Okay.

Granola:       It all comes down to this, Tonu, once and for all. You and me. After years and years and years of playing tag and hot lava monster, I’m sick of your shit!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

We’re settling this once and for all.

Tonu:            Alright. But I’ll tell you, I don’t plan to get kicked out of this ring or knocked down. So that means you’re goin’ down. And I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got.

[Stat test chime.]

[He screams and sprints forward.]

Granola:       Give me everything you’ve got!

[Granola screams and charges.]

Travis:          108.

Sage:            57.

Travis:          Alright!

[Success chime.]

[The two throw a series of quick punches and kicks. One last punch to the chest sends Granola sailing out of the ring. He screams as he bounces across the grass.]

Tonu:            [concerned] Oh my god, are you okay?

Granola:       [pants] There’s some blood coming out of my eye. And my nose and my mouth. But just—

David:           My leg!

Granola:       —a little bit. [Sage stifles laughter]

Tonu:            That’s amazing, 'cause I think I hit you in the chest.

Granola:       Yeah.

Tamago:       Wow! You really fucking got ’im!

Tonu:            Oh yeah. This is- I think I get it.

King Kai:           You knocked his block off!

[Fight bell dings.]

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Tonu moves on to the finals!

[Tonu gasps.]

Tamago:       You won!

[The crowd claps and cheers.]

Tonu:            Oh my god! I won! Wow, that’s great. Holy crap. King Kai, that tag thing you talked about, that really worked! I don't know what a Saiyan is, but I’m really glad that I am one.

Granola:       [internal monologue] Wow. I really underestimated Tonu after all. I thought I had it in me, but maybe I’m just not thinking about this correctly. Maybe I’m just being too much of a…pessimistic asshole and that’s getting in the way. Oh no. My ego. It hurts.

[Gentle music.]

Tonu:            Wow. Thanks, that was a great fight.

Granola:       [irked] Shut up!

Tonu:            Look, I know you kinda hate me and stuff 'cause of the slide thing, but that was, like, ten years ago. D’you think maybe we can get over it?

Granola:       [groans in pain] …Maybe.

Tonu:            Alright. Well, just know that regardless of how much of friends we are, or even enemies, I’m ready to fight you anytime.

Granola:       [amused] Huh. I’ll take you up on that offer.

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Alright, we have our finalist. But there’s a quick problem.

Tamago:       What?

Tonu:            Huh?

Sage:            And then, suddenly!

[A special ability warbles as it powers up.]

There’s a huge surge in energy. Something’s about to explode!

[Tamago gasps.]

The area where everybody hangs out!

David:           The lounge!

[Sage chuckles.]

Tamago:       Uh-oh.

Mysterious Android:     I’ve had enough of this.

Tooba:          Uh, what?

Mysterious Android:     Your jokes are terrible.

Tooba:          [offended] Hey.

Mysterious Android:     I’m gonna get those dragon balls.

Tooba:          What are you do—

Mysterious Android:     No matter what?

[Suspenseful music.]

Tooba:          You haven’t even told me what you’re gonna use them for. Wait, wait!

King Kai:           Tooba! Tooba, we can’t let him use the dragon balls.

Tooba:          I know!

King Kai:           Otherwise you’re not gonna get whatever the hell it was you were going to wish for.

Tooba:          [tearful] I want a mom!

[The Mysterious Android’s ability powers up even more.]

Mysterious Android:     [screaming] Insane missile!

[A beat of silence. An explosion goes off as Tooba screams! King Kai starts screaming as well. Tonu joins the chaos. Tamago chimes in with her scream. Granola pitches in.]

[Travis laughs.]

[Everyone continues screaming. Travis stifles laughter.]

David, Travis:      My leg!

Sage:            The lounge has been completely destroyed and much of the stadium as well. Deaths everywhere and the only fighters left alive…are Tooba, who was technically in the junior league—

[Stifled laughter.]

—and Tonu.

David:           Ouch.

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] What are we going to do? We don’t have enough fighters to- to do the last round.

Tooba:          Uh—

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] I mean, unless…

Tooba:          [hesitant] I’m still here. And I would really like to have a chance to [stifles a sob] have a wish. [stifles a sob]

Mysterious Android:     Not so fast.

[He flies into the ring and lands.]

I’m getting in that ring and you’re gonna give me those dragon balls.

Tooba:          No! You are not a good guy! And I’m gonna—

King Kai:           Say it with your chest!

Tooba:          I- [deeper] You are not a good guy!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

And I am the guardian of Earth. As the last Namekian from a descendant of Piccolo!

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Oh no! It looks like we might have to have a battle royale to settle this once and for all!

Tonu:            Hold on. So many people just died. What happened? [Travis stifles laughter.]

[Jessica and Sage chuckle.]

Mysterious Android:     I did what I had to to get my hands on those dragon balls. The only way for me to compete was to wipe out the competition. A costume would have just been filler. A waste of time. Everyone in the vicinity with a power level under 1,000 has fallen to one of my signature techniques.

Tonu:            [quiet, shocked] You- you killed all these people?

Tooba:          [tearful] He’s an android.

Tonu:            You…[angry] You bastard!

Mysterious Android:     I got sick and tired of waiting for all of you to expel exposition.

Tonu:            But that’s the point of the game!

[Sage chuckles.]

Tooba:          [burps] I’m nervous.

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Well, due to an ar- a completely arbitrary rule, it looks like we have to have four fighters for a battle royale.

Tamago:       Hi! I’m here! And I can fight.

[Tonu gasps.]

Hello.

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] It seems like you’re the only fighter who entered the tournament left. Even though you lost, we’ll have to go based off of audience cheer. [Sage stifles laughter]

Tooba:          They’re all dead.

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Oh no, you’re right! Then Tamago, you can’t enter the ring!

Tonu:            Wait a minute! King Kai, can you hear me?

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Yeah, what’s up?

Tonu:            Can you come be in the audience so we can get Tamago in the fight?

King Kai:           Hold on. Let me zero in on your location. Which I already have, but I’m gonna do it again 'cause I got myself a snack.

[Travis and Sage stifle laughter.]

[King Kai teleports into the bleachers.]

Okay. ’Lo we’re here.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Tonu:            Can you bring something for me too? I’m starving.

King Kai:           No, it’s too late. I’m already here.

Tonu:            Oh—

King Kai:           How can I help?

Tonu:            Oh! Ah, hey! Mr. Judge Guy, we have an audience member!

King Kai:           Whoo!

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Well would you look at that? One person in the audience. Good enough for me. Tamago, you’re reentered.

Tamago:       Thank you, King Kai.

Tonu’s Mom:     [pained] Tonu? Tonu?

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker, gasps] I stand mistaken. A second.

Tonu’s Mom:     [pained] Tonu.

Tonu:            Huh? Uh—

Tonu’s Mom:     It’s your mother slowly dying—

[Emily stifles laughter.]

—from calling out your name.

Tonu:            [gasps] What?!

[Suspenseful music.]

Tonu’s Mom:     And all your- you’re caring about is snacks.

[Tonu rushes over to his mother.]

Tonu:            [worried] Mom! What happened?

Tonu’s Mom:     [pained] Tonu. That android’s murdered us all. You have to fight for me and our family. [gasps]

Tonu:            Okay.

Tonu’s Mom:     I’m so sorry.

Tonu:            What- i- what? [worried] Mom.

[Tonu’s Mom groans in pain.]

Mom! No!

Tonu’s Mom:     I love you, son. [gasps]

Tonu:            D-don’t go! No, it’s okay! Don’t go. Don’t go! Don’t…[pants in fear]

Tonu’s Mom:     [moans, weak] Kick some ass…

Tonu:            [clenched teeth] No.

[Suspenseful music intensifies.]

No.

King Kai:           She’s dead, Jim.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Tonu:            Noooooooooooooooooo!

Narrator:         In a disastrous, show-stopping turn, almost all participants of the World Martial Arts tournament have been killed. Who is this Mysterious Android? And is there no end to its power? The dragon balls remain unclaimed. Can Tonu dig down to his ancestral roots and unlock the true form of a super Saiyan? What of Tamago and Tooba and their untapped transformations? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!

[Rock music plays.]

[The Twilight Space music crescendos and cuts off.]

Credits

[The Twilight Space music throughout.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.

Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela

Original music score by Sage G.C.

A very special thanks to all our wonderful Patreon supporters of past, present, and future.

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories

Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com

Narrator:         That does it for part 1. But this isn’t even our final form. Make sure to tune in next time, when we continue this saga and conclude THE TWILIGHT SPACE, with DRAGON BALL Z - Part 2.

[Episode End music crescendos and fades out.]

Thanks For Listening!

Sage:            [mumbling] For anyone out there following the Dragon Ball Super manga, just wanna say we recorded this back in November. I picked Granola as a name 'cause I thought it was too stupid to get picked by the actual franchise. Just sayin’. Unrelated, accidental.

[loud] Anyway! [normal] I am going to be streaming on Twitch this Saturday morning. 9 AM Pacific time, where I’ll be doing some live scoring of the music for Part 2 of our DBZ episode. So if you want a little sneak peek of what’s to come, please come hang out. I would love to see you there in the chat, think it’s gonna be a lot of fun.

This is part of a larger initiative, so to speak, to get the whole 20 Sided team and I streaming more regularly. But more on that later. I’m @twitch.tv/sagegc. Link in the episode description.

Part 2 should come out next week, but just in case make sure you’re subscribed or following on whatever app you’re listening with, and I’ll see you then. Thanks for listening.

DRAGON BALL Z - Part 2

20 Sided Stories

THE TWILIGHT SPACE

DRAGON BALL Z - Part 2

Air Date: February 24, 2021

[The Twilight Space intro music.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Toei Animation or Funimation or any mation of any kind. If you missed Part 1, now’s your chance, honey. Turn back!

[Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]

Recap

Narrator:         Last time, on DRAGON BALL Z!

[Action music.]

Tonu and Tamago qualified to compete in the World Martial Arts Tournament. The grand prize, all seven Dragon Balls.

[Powerup chimes.]

Tamago:       Wow!

Tonu:            Whoa.

Tooba:          Oh, whoa!

Granola:       No way.

Tamago:       I could finally have friends.

Tonu:            King Kai, did you hear that?

[Mental link chime.]

King Kai:           I heard it, alright.

Narrator:         They faced off with Tonu claiming victory and moving onto the semifinals.

[Tonu’s punch sends Tamago flying out of the ring.]

Tamago:       That was a really cool trick!

Tonu:            Thanks! That was my first time.

Narrator:         Meanwhile, Earth’s Namekian guardian, Tooba, only qualified for the junior division. But with King Kai’s help, he formed a plan to sneak in.

Tooba:          [hesitant] Oh gosh. I don't know about this King Kai.

King Kai:           This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Now you just have to go into this locker room and you have to take one of the grownup’s outfits and put it on.

Tooba:          [hesitant] Okay.

Narrator:         Tonu faced off against his lifelong rival, Granola, winning yet again and moving on to the finals.

[[Tonu's punch sends Granola flying out of the ring. Granola screams as he soars back, landing on the grass with a thud.]

Tonu:            Look, I know you kinda hate me and stuff because of the slide thing, but that was, like, ten years ago. Do you think maybe we can get over it?

Granola:       Shut up!

Tonu:            Alright. Well, I’m ready to fight you any time.

Granola:       [scoffs] I’ll take you up on that offer.

Narrator:         But a surprise challenger appeared. A stoic android fired off an Infinity Missile.

[Missile warbles as it powers up.]

Mysterious Android:     [yells] Infinity Missile!

[Everyone screams as the attack blows up.]

Narrator:         Killing everyone at the tournament. Including Tonu’s Mom.

Tonu’s Mom:     [pained] I love you, son. [death rattles]

Tonu:            Nooooooooo!

Narrator:         It’s an all out battle royale. Who will claim the Dragon Balls? Can our heroes spout enough exposition to power up?

[Powerup chimes.]

And unlock their hidden transformations? Find out now!

[Electric guitar strums an action tune and fades out.]

DRAGON BALL Z - Part 2

[Suspenseful music.]

Tonu:            [furious] You! You bastard! You’re gonna pay for this!

Mysterious Android:     Who? Me?

Tonu:            [furious] Yeah, you! You killed my mom. And as far as I know, there’s no way to bring anyone back from the dead.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

'Cause that would be ridiculous.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Mysterious Android:     That’s exactly why I’m here.

Tonu:            What?

Mysterious Android:     To prevent you from wasting that wish on something as petty as revival.

Tonu:            [confused] What? [normal] Tooba. Tooba, you said something earlier about, you know something about the Dragon Balls, right?

Tooba:          [tearful] Yeah. As a Namekian I’m pretty knowledgeable about the Dragon Balls and the history of them. I just was hoping that I could have a mom as great and beautiful and loving that- as your mom. And I’m so sorry that she just died. [tearful gasp] But the Dragon Balls. Shenron has a really long list of rules. But you can wish for anything, basically, as long as he approves.

Tonu:            King Kai, is that true? We can wish everyone here back to life?

King Kai:           Uh, yes. That’s why I wanted you to win the prize at the end of this contest in the first place. Because I could tell that there was some dark android-shaped evil zeroing in on this location.

Tooba:          What? No! You told me to trust. You told me that he had a line on this.

King Kai:           I wanted to see what would happen.

[Sage and Travis stifle laughter.]

Travis:          This dude’s bored.

Tooba:          You- you made me neglect my job as Earth’s guardian. They all died.

King Kai:           I thought maybe you could get the Dragon Balls out from under him. You’re little and you have tiny hands.

[Stifled laughter.]

Tooba:          It’s true. I do.

King Kai:           You let me down, kinda.

Tooba:          [hurt] What?

Announcer:      Well, we have no choice. Tamago, even though you technically lost, you’ll be part of this next battle royale match. Are you up for the challenge?

Tamago:       [irked] Yes! Of course I’m up for the challenge! This motherfucker just murdered a lot of people!

[Jessica chuckles.]

[Action music crescendos.]

Announcer:      Great!

[Feedback from the microphone.]

[on loudspeaker] We’re ready to start our battle royal. I’m speaking as if I’m still performing on my Announcer voice to a huge crowd of- of bystanders and excited participants and audience members. But everyone’s dead. I seem cool and collected, but I am barely keeping it together. There’s a lot of responsibility to uphold here and a very deep, lore-rich reason I was specifically selected by Capsule Corp. to host this tournament and handle the prize of the Dragon Balls. It’s really high-stakes and interesting. Of course, I woulda- I woulda told you all about that, but you told me you weren’t interested, so here we are. No exposition for me. Alright. Go for it.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Winner takes all!

[Fight bell dings.]

Tamago:       I’m so nervous. [pants] Ever since the Ginyu Force wouldn't let me in because I wouldn't change my name from Tamago, egg, to Ranso, ovary, as a female member of the team and following the naming schematics, it’s really shaken my Confidence.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

I just [nervous] uh!

[Mental link chimes.]

King Kai:           Knock, knock.

Tamago:       [confused] What?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

King Kai:           Knock, knock.

Tamago:       [startled] What?

[Emily stifles laughter.]

King Kai:           Knock, knock.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Tamago:       Uh, excuse me, who the fuck are you?

King Kai:           No, you say, ‘who’s there?’

[Jessica and Sage laugh.]

Tamago:       King Kai?

King Kai:           Oh. You already know who I am! That’s great!

[Travis chuckles.]

Knock, knock!

Tamago:       Who’s there?

King Kai:           Yaba.

Tamago:       [hesitant] Yaba who?

King Kai:           Yaba daba how do ya do? It’s me, King Kai!

[Emily stifles laughter.]

And you can keep that one. That one’s a great icebreaker.

Tamago:       Uh—

King Kai:           Listen! We’re having some serious problems here in this competition.

Tamago:       Yeah-

King Kai:           This android, which I sensed vaguely, has actually come out and he killed everybody!

Tamago:       Yeah, I’ve- I’ve been here.

King Kai:           I was kinda playing the field, kinda bring up a few different pupils seeing who could get the Dragon Balls first, but it doesn't look like either of them may have crossed the finish line on this one.

Tamago:       What’s your game plan?

King Kai:           Well, I need you to help me. I’m gonna go transform. It’s gonna take me a little bit of time, but when I come back I’m gonna be able to show everybody how to finally defeat this android once and for all.

Tamago:       [gasps] Transform. That’s it. [increasingly excited] That’s it! That’s it! That’s how we do it! We have to transform!

King Kai:           I need you to help them pull this android up against the ropes while I go do some transformation doohickey back in The Core. And then I’m gonna come back and then I’m gonna teach you all what to do.

Tamago:       Yeah, sure. You do your thing. Can I get you out of my head? How do I shut that off?

King Kai:           You have to tell me a knock, knock joke.

Tamago:       Knock, knock.

King Kai:           Who’s there?

Tamago:       Please go away.

King Kai:           Ooooooh.

[Put-down music.]

Okay I’m gone. Bye!

[Sage and Travis stifle laughter.]

[King Kai teleports away.]

Tooba:          It’s so hard for me to focus with all these dead bodies on the ground. Oh, gosh.

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Tooba vs. Tamago vs. Tonu vs.— [Sage stifles laughter]

Tooba:          We’re the TTTs.

Tamago:       Oh my gosh! [quiet, excited] Are we in a group? Oh my god. I’ve always wanted to be in a group. Oh.

Tooba:          [tearful] Me too. I’ve always wanted a family.

Tamago:       Oh my gosh, this could be like our family!

Tonu:            I’ve had a family. And I’ve been in groups. But I’ve never been allowed to be on a team before because I’m too good at every sport.

[Tamago gasps.]

So I’d love to be on a team with you two.

Tamago:       [excited] Oh my god! First-time teamers! First-time team!

Tooba:          Yay!

Tamago:       TTTs!

Tooba:          Team!

Tonu:            Yeah!

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] There’s technically no teams allowed, but I’m an announcer and not a ref. [mumbles] So fuckin’ whatever.

[Sage snorts.]

Tonu:            Alright. Now, we’re gonna take this guy. We’re gonna wipe the floor with him.

Tooba:          [hesitant] Uh…

Tonu:            We’re gonna get the Dragon Balls and wish everybody back to life. And then, Tooba?

Tooba:          [hesitant] Yeah?

Tonu:            I know my mom would love to be your mom.

Tooba:          [tearful] Oh, that’s so nice. [sniffles] Oh, and I need to use my inhaler real quick.

[Inhaler clatters as he pulls it out and takes a breath.]

Sorry. When I get too emotional, my asthma acts up.

Tonu:            King Kai always tells me that you have to use your emotion.

Tamago:       Yeah, does anybody know how to get him out of your head permanently?

Tonu:            Oh, uh-uh.

Tooba:          No. He just stays there.

Tonu:            Rent free.

Tamago:       [disappointed] Oh.

Tooba:          You think he’s gone, but he’s always there.

Tonu:            Anyways, what I’m saying is, whatever emotion you’re feeling, whether it’s fear or anger or… What are you feeling Tamago?

Tamago:       Oh, I’m just really excited to have friends. But also I’m very afraid that we’re not gonna be able to beat this guy. But also I think with the power of friendship we could totally take him out!

Tonu:            We have to take that and we have to use it! We have to focus on--

Tooba:          Okay.

Tonu:            And- and let it grow! Somehow. And just focus and then we’re gonna… Oh boy. I fe- Hey. Announcer.

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Yeah?

Tonu:            What’s their name?

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Don’t ask me.

Tonu:            Who are you?

Tooba:          I’ve been asking this this whole time.

Mysterious Android:     My alias is Android 69.

[Jessica snorts.]

Tamago:       Nice.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Tooba:          I don’t get it. I’m eight years old.

Tonu:            I don’t really get jokes, so I don't know what we’re talking about.

Tooba:          Where’s King Kai when you need him?

Tamago:       He would probably laugh at this.

Android 69:       I didn’t pick it myself. It was assigned to me, alright. So I don’t want any of your stupid jokes.

Tamago:       It is a little bit funny, though. Like, you could see that, right?

[Android 69 sighs.]

Tonu:            Wha- what? Why is it funny? I don’t get it.

Tooba:          I don't know either.

Tamago:       Oh. I kidnap bad guys for a living. So I hear lots of dirty jokes.

Sage:            [amused] You do what? Plus one thou- +2,000 points for Tamago!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[Powerup chimes.]

[Misadventure music plays lightly.]

Tonu:            [startled] What?

Tamago:       Oh, yeah. I—

Tonu:            What d’you mean you kidnap bad guys?

Tamago:       Oh, I’m a professional bounty hunter. They wouldn’t let me into their cool bounty hunting group, so then I’m a freelancer. That’s why I live in the woods.

Tooba:          That’s really cool.

Tonu:            That’s amazing!

Tamago:       Thanks.

Tooba:          You’re like a guardian. Of the galaxy!

Tamago:       …Yeah.

Tonu:            Well aren’t you- well, hold on. Wait, Tooba, you said you’re a guardian of- of Earth?

Tooba:          I’m a guardian of planet Earth. Dende was Earth’s guardian for a while, years and years ago. But then he’s passed away and then so did Piccolo. And through time and time I’m the last Namekian on Earth left. Therefore, by default, I am the guardian of Earth.

Tonu:            Well, I don't know who those people are. But I’m glad you’re here. And I know that between the three of us, we give it everything we have, we can send this guy back to the scrap heap where he came from.

Android 69:       Scrap heap, you say?

Tonu:            Yeah.

Android 69:       You wouldn't know the first thing about where I come from.

Tonu:            I don't care. You killed my mom.

Android 69:       I don’t care that you don’t care. I’m gonna explain right here and right now.

Tamago:       Make it snappy.

Android 69:       I was created. I don't know by whom. Where they are. But they meant for me to be the greatest android of all. Their online user name was DrGeroFan_1. But they never finished the job. So now, I’m just a meme.

Tonu:            Wait a minute. Android. [gasps] I remember! Mr. Satan, my ancestor, he saved the world from Cell. And Cell was an android. I remember this from history class. There were other androids that were made by Dr. Gero! [gasps] Dr. Gero of the Red Ribbon Army. Oh my god, I’m remembering everything!

Tooba:          Whoa.

Tonu:            And he made androids and they tried to take over the world. But then Cell was the biggest and best android, and he absorbed all the other androids and he transformed a bunch of times, and he killed, like, everybody! And then all the sudden, eh, Mr… Mr. Satan didn’t beat him. Did he?

[Music slows.]

Tooba:          Was it Goku…?

Tonu:            I think I’m remembering everything my mom’s been trying to tell me.

[Ghostly chimes.]

Tonu’s Mom:     [ethereal] Tonu! You’ll be just great with your ancestors, Gohan and Goku. You have the blood of the Super Saiyan.

Tamago:       Were you just visited by the ghost of your mother?

Tonu:            [quiet, realization] Yeah. And I think I get it now. Mr. Satan wasn’t the greatest fighter in the universe. The Saiyan’s were. And I’m one of them too. I can’t wait to tell King Kai. [Travis stifles laughter.]

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

Android 69:       Are we gonna battle or not?

[Action music.]

Tamago:       Oh, we’re gonna battle!

Tooba:          You bet we are. 'cause I’m sick and tired of being undermined just because I’m little and I have little hands. I’m the guardian of this planet! [deeper] I’m speaking from my chest!

[Emily stifles laughter.]

I am the guardian of this planet, and I’m going to make all of Namekian race proud! [tearful] Including all my new friends and- and hopefully new family. [tearful growl]

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Android 69:       Alright then, little one.

[Stat test chime.]

Impress me.

[Action music.]

Tooba:          Oh, god.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Tamago:       Give 'im hell, Tooba!

Jessica:          Uh, 93!

[Success chime.]

Sage:            That’s really good! Tooba is able to see this coming and get out of the way quickly.

[Tooba gasps and flies out of the way. He lands with a grunt.]

Tooba:          I may be little, but I’m fast!

Sage:            And in the heat of the moment, Tooba’s able to think of a plan!

[Stat test chime.]

Roll me Mind. How good is your plan?

Tooba:          [hesitant] Uh…

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          Boy. [stifles laughter] +25 is 26.

[Failure chime.]

Travis:          [amused] Oh shit. You rolled a 1!

Sage:            [amused] Oh, you rolled a natural 1.

Tooba:          [tearful] Ooooh!

Travis:          Why is it every episode someone rolls a- on a d100, you rolled a 1!

[Laughter.]

Again!

[Tooba cries.]

Emily:          [amused] What?

Travis:          God dammit.

Sage:            Uh, I’m gonna let you handle this one. [amused] Your plan sucks.

Tooba:          Alright, we’re gonna fuck him up in the brain!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

We’re gonna- I’ma gaslight him.

[Emily stifles laughter.]

[tearful] That doesn't sound like a really nice thing for me to do.

Tamago:       I really don’t wanna criticize you 'cause I really don’t wanna ruin this friendship and it’s, like, beautiful beginning stage where it’s so fragile and perfect and I’ve never had it before [deep breath in] Um…but this is not a good idea.

Tonu:            Yeah, that plan kinda stinks, I’m sorry.

Tooba:          Yeah. When I said it out loud I felt it.

Tamago:       Please don’t hate me.

Tooba:          I don’t.

Android 69:       While you were trying to think of a plan, I already did.

Tooba:          What?

Android 69:       By rolling 102.

[Suspenseful chime.]

[Tooba gasps.]

Emily:          Jeez. Do we- [stifles laughter]

Android 69:       Turn around, little one.

[Tooba gasps and turns around. Android 69 grabs him by the neck and squeezes.]

Tonu:            Tooba!

[Tooba groans in pain.]

No!

Tooba:          Let me go!

Tamago:       No, Tooba!

Android 69:       I knew a child like you would be distracted so easily.

Tooba:          Oh, please don’t hurt me.

Android 69:       Let’s see what you got.

Tamago:       Don’t you dare hurt that child!

[Stat test chime.]

[Tooba groans.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          73!

Sage:            74!

[Failure chime.]

Tooba:          Noo!

Travis:          Oh, what the fuck?

Tamago:       Nooo!

[Tooba screams as he soars across the stadium.]

Tonu:            Tooba, no!

[Tooba slams into a wall and groans as he lands on the grass.]

Tooba:          [cries] I was almost there. I’ll never be good enough to fight. [cries]

Tonu:            You- you monster!

[Tooba cries.]

Android 69:       Who’s next?

Tamago:       Being a part of a team is really hard. I thought I was ready for this. This is the only thing I’ve wanted for, like, so much time that I’ve actually lost track of how much time has gone by. It may have been 100 years. It may have been more. Who’s supposed to lead?

Tooba:          Tamagoo. I—

Tamago:       It’s Tamago. [quiet] But, okay, yeah.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Tooba:          Tamago. Tamago, I’m so sorry. I really looked up to you.

Tamago:       Oh.

Tooba:          But yeah I- I’m also an alien and I feel like an outcast.

Tamago:       You are. [gasps]

Tooba:          I feel like an outcast in this world and I don’t have anybody on my side but-

Tamago:       But we’re all aliens. You, me, and Tonu. We’re together now.

Tooba:          Yeah.

Tamago:       It’s okay, you’re gonna pull through little buddy.

Tooba:          Yes. Thank you. And so are you!

Tamago:       You’re gonna make it!

Tooba:          You- you got this.

Tamago:       Tooba, do your best!

Tooba:          Just so you guys know, if you’re ever really hurt- [whispers] yo, I’m gonna whisper this so he doesn't hear it.

[Travis snorts. Sage and Emily stifle laughter.]

[whispers] But I- I have regeneration powers.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Rolling to see if Android 69 heard what you said.

Tooba:          [whispers] Oh, don’t hear me, don’t hear me, don’t hear me.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[whispers] Yes!

Emily:          Sweet.

Android 69:       Quite your talking over there. I don't know what you’re saying, but I’m sure it’s a waste of time. Just like how your wishes on the Dragon Balls will be a wasted opportunity for something much bigger and greater than any of you could ever understand.

Tooba:          You don’t deserve to see the Dragon Balls. You don’t deserve to even look at 'em!

Tonu:            Hey, Tomatsu.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tamago:       The fuck did you just call me?

[Stifled laughter.]

Tonu:            Tamago.

Tamago:       Yeah?

Tonu:            Do you wanna go first? Or should I?

Tamago:       Uh, okay. So I’ve got this- this thing. This thing that I can do but I- I don’t think- I don’t think I’m powerful enough yet to really just- just do it, so maybe you should attack first so I could just fucking [growls] steel myself. And I can do it finally on command!

Tonu:            Whatever you’re trying to do, I know you can do it. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.

Tamago:       What?

Tonu:            You’re a bounty hunter from space. That’s really fucking cool. Like, I can’t even imagine what that is.

[Tamago chuckles humbly.]

I’m in high school.

[Emily chuckles.]

Nothing I’ve done is anywhere near as cool as that.

Tamago:       [flattered] Stop it.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Tonu:            But yeah. Alright, I’ll give it a go. But if this doesn't work, we’re all counting on you.

[Action music intensifies.]

Hey! Asshole!

Android 69:       It’s pronounced ‘android’.

Tonu:            I don't know what you are or where you came from, I’m gonna send you back there.

Android 69:       I literally just told you with my exposition!

[Tonu and Android 69 scream as they power up.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          69.

[Sage chuckles.]

Emily:          Nice.

Sage:            And Android 69 got a 10.

[Success chime.]

Travis:          Oh!

[Tonu screams, flies toward Android 69, and punches him.]

Android 69:       Oh. That hurt me a little.

Tamago:       Tonu, that was amazing!

Tonu:            You’re pretty strong. That’s exciting.

Android 69:       You haven’t seen anything yet.

[Stat test chime.]

[Android 69 flies toward Tonu. Tonu screams.]

Tamago:       Don’t let him free! Keep going!

Travis:          91.

Sage:            70.

[Success chime.]

[Tonu fires off a series of rapid punches. One final punch sends Android 69 soaring back. Tonu pants.]

Tooba:          Whoa!

Tamago:       Yeah! He doesn't stand a chance!

Android 69:       Wow. It feels like I’m losing.

[Tonu pants.]

If only…

[Suspenseful music.]

I was completed. Like one of Dr. Gero’s androids.

[Suspenseful music intensifies.]

All I know is…my creator was a big fan and stayed up all night in the cave, day after day after day working on me to make sure I was very powerful. But it was all for naught. They didn’t understand the importance of work/life balance.

Tonu:            That sounds like a metaphor.

Tamago:       That’s dumb.

Tonu:            Maybe even for what we’re doing right now.

Android 69:       It is. They let their ego get in the way, and the thought of all the androids that came before me slowed them down. And now I understand what my purpose is.

[Music fades.]

Tooba:          What is it?

Android 69:       That sounds like a different exposition dump that I’ll save for later.

[Stat test chime.]

[Android 69 screams as he flies back into the ring.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Travis:          61.

Sage:            59.

Travis:          Oh my god!

[Success chime.]

[Tonu launches forward and punches Android 69 again, sending him back once more.]

Tonu:            It’s like the more I fight, the stronger I get.

[Jessica chuckles. Emily stifles laughter.]

This is incredible.

Android 69:       Impossible.

Tonu:            It’s like I feel something inside me.

Android 69:       Impossible!

Tonu:            That- it’s inherent. Like, this power building.

[Ghostly chimes.]

Tonu’s Mom:     [ethereal] That’s the Saiyan blood. That’s the Saiyan blood!

Tamago:       Keep focusing!

Tonu:            I get it now. And I think I should be awarded points for discovering this!

[Emily chuckles.]

Sage:            You are. You’re awarded 1,000 points.

[Powerup chimes.]

Android 69:       It can’t be. His power level, it’s rising tremendously. It’s time to upgrade.

[Mechanical clicks and blips as he transforms.]

Tamago:       Tonu, no!

Android 69:       So I need to augment myself. And it’s time to strengthen…

[More clicking as his parts rearrange. He screams as he powers up.]

Tonu:            What’s going- what’s he doing?!

Tamago:       He’s transforming! Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game! I’m gonna do it!

[She screams as she powers up her transformation.]

Tooba:          What the fuck is happening?

Tonu:            It’s like I can feel their power- oh my god! Look at—

Tooba:          Ah, what the heck are you?

[Tamago’s voice has changed to be deep, low-pitched, and powerful.]

Tamago:       Guys, it’s me. It’s me, Tamago.

Tooba:          Whoa. You look like a- like a fluffy little—

Tooba, Tonu:          Llama!

Tamago:       I am a llama, but I’m huge and powerful. And I’m gonna fucking wail on this guy!

[Mental link chime.]

King Kai:           Knock, knock.

Tonu:            Ah, now?

Tooba:          Who’s there?

[King Kai teleports in. Action music.]

King Kai:           It’s King Kai! I’m back from learning how to transform!

Tonu:            Well, you’re not alone!

King Kai:           You need to transform just like Llama did. Otherwise, you’re not gonna stand a chance against him! You gotta get your head in the game!

Tooba:          Oh, gosh.

Tonu:            Are we gonna become llamas too?

[Sage chuckles.]

King Kai:           No.

Tamago:       No, that’s a me thing.

King Kai:           That’s a her thing. I’ve become a Supreme Kai. I journeyed to the core world and spoke to the other supreme Kais who have dynasty over the entire rest of the world, where I only reach the north. And they gifted me with special training in a time vacuum to learn how to transform temporarily into a Supreme Kai.

Tooba:          Oh.

Tonu:            King Kai, what the fuck are you talking about?

[Sage chuckles.]

King Kai:           Notice how my clothes are different? It’s because just for—

Tamago:       King Kai, we’re kind of in the middle of something.

King Kai:           I transformed into a Supreme Kai just- just for this time to- so that I could help you take on the Android. 'cause you can’t take him on alone!

Tooba:          Uh, King Kai, but the thing is,-is as a Namekian, the only thing I can do is transform is to use another Namekian. But there’s no other Namekians on Earth. So I can’t transform.

King Kai:           Are there?

[Beat.]

Tooba:          What?

King Kai:           I don't know. Are there?

[Emily stifles laughter. Travis laughs.]

Tooba:          No! I’m the only- I’m the last Namekian on Earth!

King Kai:           All I know is that if you can pull off this llama act, there’s- that android’s gonna have to have alpaca his bags.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Tamago:       We’re a very different species. Uh…

Granola:       Wait.

[Granola grunts as he pulls himself forward.]

[pained] Crawl…back…through the grass. With whatever strength I have. Hey, Tonu.

Tonu:            What? Granola? What’s goin’ on? You gotta get outta here. This guy’s really dangerous.

Granola:       I know. He killed so many. Just like that. With some Infinity Missile. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking while you guys have been talking and I’ve just been kinda sittin’ here. I think that was only his middle move. I feel like he has one Infinity thing beyond that.

[Tooba gasps.]

Tonu:            You mean this guy gets stronger?

King Kai:           Haven’t you seen how he augmented himself? He’s not one to be trifled with.

Granola:       The blue marshmallow man is right. If you look, just like how your friend, Tamago, is now a big buff llama.

Tamago:       Yeah.

Granola:       This Android 69 is augmented. Look at it! There’s all sorts of cool, cybernetic parts all over it. And it looks sexier too.

Tamago:       You just have to get more powerful. Everybody just has to get more powerful.

Tooba:          Wait, I—

King Kai:           Say it with your chest!

Tooba:          [deeper] Oh, god! Okay! This thing, I may not be a Super Namekian, so I don't know if I can fuse, and there’s no way for me to get a Namekian here. I’ve never seen another manek- a Namekian in my life since I was a little baby. So maybe I’ll just [gasps] I could become the big little boy.

Tamago:       Yes. Do it!

Tooba:          King Kai, do you think I could do it?

King Kai:           I think you can do anything you set your mind to. But you need to be able to ex- you need to have a sense of humor about it.

[Sage and Travis stifle laughter.]

Tooba:          Uh…

King Kai:           What’s funnier than being a giant baby?

[Travis chuckles.]

Nothing!

[Sage chuckles.]

Tooba:          What’s funnier than being a giant baby?

King Kai:           Nothing! Nothing is funnier than that!

[Chuckling.]

Tooba, you need to lean into this hardcore.

Tamago:       You can do it, Tooba. We believe in you.

Tooba:          Well I don’t get the punch—

Tamago:       Get big!

Tooba:          Okay! I’m gonna—

Tamago:       Get big!

Tooba:          I’m- oh!

Sage:            Is your power level at 7,000.

Jessica:          It’s at 9,800, bitch.

Travis:          [amused] Shit.

Sage:            It’s over 9,000?

Jessica:          Yeah!

Sage:            Go big!

[Music cuts off.]

King Kai:           Impossible!

[Tooba screams as he powers up.]

Tonu:            [gasps] Oh no!

Tamago:       Oh, yeah.

[A reverberating thud as giant Tooba stomps.]

You’re so big.

Tonu:            It’s like I can feel both of your energies. This is wild!

Tamago:       Use it. Use this energy!

Tooba:          [Giant, echoing voice] I’m a big baby! I’m gonna fuck you up!

[Chuckling.]

Granola:       Tonu, as I was saying.

Tonu:            What?

Granola:       You need to get to the level now!

Tonu:            Wha- I- I mean—

King Kai:           Tonu, you need to graduate from playing tag with this guy. You need to go right to fuckin’ tackle football!

Tonu:            [frantic] What? Uh-

Tamago:       Tonu, the power is inside you!

Granola:       When we were younger, I noticed. You turned into a giant gorilla once. It was crazy. And I felt almost embarrassed like I dreamt it. But it definitely happened, more than once, ’til they cut off your tail. And then I found out the same thing happened to me.

[Tonu gasps.]

And then they didn’t want us to play together anymore. And that’s why we slowly became enemies. Because we weren’t allowed to play and have play dates! They didn’t want us to destroy towns and cities, understandably. But I think you and I…we’re Super Saiyans!

Tonu:            Wow. I mean…they just… They just said you were too poor to hang out with.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

But, I mean— [Travis chuckles]

King Kai:           Oh.

[Stifled laughter.]

Tonu:            Uh, that makes a lot more sense now that I think about it. Wow.

King Kai:           Tonu. Tonu, there’s only one way to unlock your inner Saiyan potential. You have to listen to me. All jokes aside.

[Tonu gasps.]

This is the first time in my entire existence that I’ve said, “all jokes aside”.

Tonu:            I’m listening.

King Kai:           Think about all those thoughts that you had about Mr. Satan, your ancestor. You need to think about them now. All the wonderful things that you used to say about him. All the ways you would spend nights reading up on his exploits and all the warm feelings you had.

Tonu:            O-okay.

King Kai:           And you need to redirect that energy towards your memories of Goku. Goku is the one in your lineage that had the bloodlines that gives you the power to unlock your inner potential.

[Tonu pants in a slight panic.]

And goes straight through the Kaio-ken and into your final transformation into a Super Saiyan.

Tonu:            Past the Kaio-ken? But you said that was the ultimate level. You said that was all I could ever hope to achieve. But there’s a level beyond that?

King Kai:           Yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s- there’s a lot of soft ceilings. It’s okay.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

We’re gonna keep moving. [David stifles laughter]

Tonu:            Okay.

King Kai:           The limits are in your mind only!

Tonu:            I don't really know too much about Goku but, I guess I can—

King Kai:           [irked] I just told you what to think about Goku! [David stifles laughter]

Tonu’s Mom:     [ethereal] He doesn't ever listen when you talk about Goku.

[David chuckles.]

Android 69:       Goku? Why does that name just piss me off?

[Slow-burn action music.]

Tamago:       Tooba! We have to take him down!

Tooba:          Let’s do it!

Android 69:       Alright.

[Gears click as Android 69 takes a fighting stance.]

Tooba:          Combine our powers!

Tamago:       Nobody can withstand this amount of chonk!

[Stifled laughter.]

[Stat test chime.]

Android 69:       Here we go.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Emily:          Oh shit. [amused] 109.

Jessica:          I got, like, 111.

Sage:            Android 69 got 135.

[Failure chime.]

[Emily and Jessica gasp in horror.]

[Android 69 , Tooba, and Tamago exchange a series of high-speed punches and kicks.]

Tooba:          He’s too powerful!

[Tamago and Tooba scream as they get thrown back.]

Tamago:       [pants] What is he?

Android 69:       I told you. I’m an android created by a fanboy and I’ve been augmented to my final stage. And it is my duty to get those Dragon Balls so that I may wish for universal ego death.

[Cymbal crashes in revelation.]

David:           Whoa, ho, ho, ho! What? [chuckles]

Travis:          Oh.

Tamago:       What? [Emily stifles laughter]

Tooba:          What does that mean?

Android 69:       Oh. You wanna know? Great. Thank you for that.

Tamago:       No.

Android 69:       I’m gonna bolster up even more points. Now, listen here!

Travis:          [amused] Ah, fuck.

Android 69:       Through my training as an android, I’ve noticed all of you life forms are weak. You take so long to talk and discuss. We’ve just been standing here speaking and speaking and speaking and adding and thinking and staring. All of this stems from our ego. Our desire to succeed and fail. We’re self-centered, narcissistic, monsters. It’s part of our code.

But it won’t be a part of mine. And it won’t be a part of this universe for very much longer. Trust a robot on that one.

Once ego is removed from the equation, life is a breeze. And this world will be a much better place.

Tonu:            [angry] How can you say that? Look at how many people you just killed! And you think the world is better now? Because of that?

Android 69:       Whatever it takes.

[Tonu sighs in irritation.]

Tamago:       Tonu, as usual we need a man to save us.

Tooba:          Ah, fuck.

Tonu:            We have to stop him!

Tamago:       No. You have to stop him.

[Suspenseful music.]

You have to find your inner Saiyan. You have to go Super Saiyan! There’s no other way!

Tonu:            King Kai told me to focus all my thoughts that I had towards Mr. Satan towards Goku. What did Mom always used to say?

[Ethereal chimes.]

Tonu’s Mom:     Mr. Satan was a fraud! Goku is the real hero! Saiyans will save the world!

Tonu:            All I can think about is Mom.

Android 69:       Ego.

Tonu:            And how much she cared about me.

Android 69:       Ego.

Tonu:            It’s like. All these other powerful male figures, all they cared about was themselves.

Android 69:       Ego.

Tonu:            And winning.

Android 69:       Ego.

Tonu:            And their own damn sense of self-satisfaction.

Android 69:       Ego again.

Tonu:            And I’m doing that too!

Android 69:       [irked] Yup.

Tonu:            I can’t fight for me. I can’t fight because it’s fun.

Android 69:       Wait, what?

Tonu:            I have to fight for her!

Android 69:       Wait.

Tonu:            And for everybody else!

Android 69:       Hold on. Stop it.

Tonu:            For everybody on the planet!

Android 69:       Shut- shut- shut your mouth. Shush, shush.

Tonu:            I have to do this! For them!

Tonu’s Mom:     [ethereal] Tonu!

Android 69:       No. No.

Tonu:            You’re not gonna get away with this!

Android 69:       What is he doing?

[Suspenseful thrum.]

[Tonu screams as he gathers his power.]

He’s powering up so easily.

Tamago:       You got this, Tonu!

Android 69:       Everything’s turning yellow! Impossible!

[Tonu’s screaming gets louder as he continues to gather power.]

Tooba:          It’s really from the chest!

Android 69:       No. No! It can’t be!

[Power crackles and warbles as Tonu hits super Saiyan level.]

[Action music intensifies.]

[Android 69 grunts in shock.]

I didn’t think…

Tamago:       You did it, Tonu! We’re so proud!

Android 69:       You… You’re a Super Saiyan.

King Kai:           Good job! I’m gonna give you your final lesson. Are you ready?

Tonu:            Yeah.

King Kai:           Okay! So you need to remember your special move. You know, as Supreme Kai, my special move is called Meka-Leka-Hi-Meka-Hiney-Ho. If we hit him with that and right- and then yours in rapid succession, we should be able to wipe this android off the face of the planet! But we’re gonna need everybody listening at home to channel their energy into this battle to make sure that we’re successful!

Tonu:            I think I get it. This is incredible. This power. It’s almost like I went through a second puberty. My voice feels lower. Everything feels more… [growls in satisfaction]

I know that you guys said that I have to do this, but I can’t do it without your help.

[Footsteps crashing as the others step forward.]

Please. Lend me your energy. Everybody! Everybody at home, everyone around the world. Focus on me please! I’m just gonna stand here, like a jackass, with my hand up in the air.

Here’s the thing, though. I need, like, ten minutes. [Travis stifles laughter] Can you guys please try to kick his ass in the meantime?

Android 69:       I can’t believe this.

Tamago:       We can’t give up. We’ve gotta buy time!

King Kai:           I’m gonna try to keep him on the ropes as long as possible with my trademark Supreme Kai Meka-Leka-Hi-Meka-Hiney-Ho technique! Everybody clear the way. This could get messy.

Tooba:          [hesitant] Okay.

Tamago:       Alright.

[King Kai steps forward.]

King Kai:           Hold onto your hat, Android 69, because this one’s gonna blow your brains out! Alright.

[Energy warbles as King Kai powers up his move.]

Meeee...Kaaaa…leeee…haaaa

[Travis laughs.]

[Beat.]

Leeee…kaaaa…haaaa!

[Continued chuckling.]

Meeeeee…kaaaa…leeeee…kaaaa…hiiiii…deeee…hiiiii…

[Continued chuckling. Sage sighs in half amusement, half annoyance.]

Meeee… I got confused.

[Laughter.]

Tooba:          [irked] Oh my god.

King Kai:           Hold on. Hold on. Let me start over.

[Energy warbles as King Kai powers up his move.]

Meee—

Tooba:          You’re taking too long! I’m gonna go.

[King Kai continues screaming the name of his move in the background.]

I’m gonna use one of my signature techniques. Please Leave!

[Tooba screams as he powers up.]

Tamago:       You’ve got this, Tooba! You’re huge!

[Tooba throws his attack.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Tamago, can you roll me mind?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[King Kai continues screaming the name of his move in the background.]

Emily:          73.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            You can’t get an exact number, but you’re sensing the power level of this android. And Tooba’s signature chop barely even scratched him.

[Suspenseful thrum.]

Tamago:       Oh. Guys? Power level’s so fucking high. I can feel the power radiating from him. We have to do better!

Granola:       She’s right. Tonu! I have to tell you something.

[Tonu pants as he gathers power.]

Tonu:            Wha- what? What? [Travis stifles laughter]

[King Kai continues screaming the name of his move in the background.]

Granola:       It’s me, Granola, again. Just kind of on the grass—

Tonu:            Yeah, I—

Granola:       —over here on the side.

Tonu:            Yeah, I know. I see you there.

Granola:       You’re charging up and you’re doing a great job.

Tonu:            Thanks.

Granola:       And you’ve really shown me the error of my ways.

Tonu:            Okay.

Granola:       I feel like this android has a point about the ego thing. But I definitely agree. It’s taking it way too far. Here’s the thing, I just wanted to tell you I- I always looked up to you, secretly.

Tonu:            That means so much to me. Because, again, honestly. I didn’t even really know why you were so mad at me. But I think I get it and look. Even if I might be better at some things than others, there’s one thing that I’ve learned today is that everybody here has the right to fight for what means the most to them.

[King Kai continues screaming the name of his move in the background.]

Granola:       I never thought of it that way. And you’re completely correct.

Travis:          Pfft. [stifles laughter]

Granola:       I’ve always just thought, winning, winning, winning. That’s all that matters. Winning and not losing. It was actually more of the not losing thing. I lost a lot as a kid. I always came in like, third place and it really hurt my ego. And I’m- I may have taken that out on you.

But if you can’t tell, I’m really trying to gain some motivation here, because I think I can seriously help you win this. That android is above your power level. Do you not feel it? You may be very strong, but you need to be stronger.

Tonu:            Alright. I’ll take it- I’ll take all the power level I can get at this point. And we could- we could use your help. We need you to fight! Granola, you can do this!

Granola:       You think?

Tonu:            Come on! Get up and fight! Like the Saiyan you are.

[Granola groans as he struggles to his feet.]

Granola:       I can’t fight. But I can give…

Tamago:       Granola, do it!

[Granola screams as he gathers his energy. Tonu cries out in surprise. Their screams fade as Granola passes his energy to Tonu .]

Jessica:          They just came.

Emily:          Together.

Granola:       [weak] That’s all the ki I had. Your power level should be high enough now to sustain that spirit bomb. Tonu…if you get those Dragon Balls, I still want that rematch.

[Granola sighs as he dies.]

Tonu:            We’re gonna have that rematch. I promise.

Android 69:       Not if I have anything to say about it!

Tamago:       Catch these hooves!

[Tamago screams and charges at Android 69, slamming into him and throwing him back.]

Android 69:       Impossible. How are they keeping this up?

Tonu:            Keep going guys. I’ve almost got enough energy!

King Kai:           We’re almost there team. Rally!

Tonu:            Tooba!

Tooba:          Uh?

Tonu:            You have to fight him!

Tooba:          Alright. If only- if only I had another Namekian with me. I’ve never had a mother nurture me the way that your mom nurtured you. And it’s just- it’s just all too much. But I think that with the power of everybody that I’ve met, I can possibly do a spirit bomb with you.

[Music thrums suspensefully.]

Tonu:            [gasps] Double? King Kai, is that even possible? Can you do two spirit bombs at the same time?

King Kai:           Absolutely. It’s called Doing Two Spirit Bombs At The Same Time.

[Stifled laughter.]

Tonu:            Tooba!

Tooba:          [hesitant] Uh?

Tonu:            You gotta do it!

Tooba:          Okay.

Tamago:       Combine!

Tooba:          Uh…well I guess that I also should share with you that, uh, I don’t- I can’t- I- Namekians have both of the organs and we’re asexual. We reproduce and this is just a tiny tidbit because I just need a little bit more power level.

Sage:            Mm. Tsk.

Tonu:            Oh, right on!

Sage:            That’s a pretty low 500er. [chuckles]

Jessica:          What- what’d you say?

Sage:            It’s pretty low. Like 500er.

Jessica:          Alright! That’s all I needed!

[Powerup chimes.]

Sage:            [amused] Oh, what?

[Travis laughs.]

Jessica:          That’s why I didn’t care!

[Travis laughs and claps.]

Tooba:          Alright, here we go!

[Tooba screams as he gathers energy for his spirit bomb.]

Tonu:            Now hold your hands up and collect the energy from the universe.

Tooba:          Namekians in the universe, please hear me. Please!

Travis:          Oh, that’s fun.

King Kai:           Tamago! Tamago! Now’s the time—

Tamago:       Yes?

King Kai:           Tamago, you have to get into this—

Tamago:       I don’t- I don’t feel powerful enough. I’ve got this- I have this- this- this move I’ve been perfecting for so long. It’s such a—

King Kai:           What move? What move?!

[Emily stifles laughter.]

Now’s time for the moves!

Tamago:       I- I call it—

King Kai:           We’re almost done!

Tamago:       I call it the Skull Split Spit.

King Kai:           [increasingly confused] The skull- the sku- the sku—

[Travis laughs.]

Tamago:       It’s 'cause I can spit so hard it breaks bone!

[David stifles laughter.]

King Kai:           Damn, girl.

Tamago:       I’ve been working on it for so long, and I’ve never had an opportunity to use it.

King Kai:           What d’you mean you’ve been working on it for so long? How did you come up with this thing?

Tamago:       I put out pictures of all the Ginyu Force on the trees around my home, and I just spit at them.

King Kai:           Damn, girl. What did the Ginyu Force do to you?

Tamago:       [furious] They tried to get me to change my name to Ovary and do a weird dance and I didn’t want to—

King Kai:           What—

Tamago:       —because I’m a lady. But that’s not the only thing that’s cool about me! I’m also a llama!

King Kai:           What weird dance did they try to make you do? [David stifles laughter]

Tamago:       Oh, you know their fucking stupid-ass theme that like…do, do, do.

King Kai:           You’re doing that really well. Have you practiced that?

Tamago:       No, I’m just really nerv- I’m- I’m- [sighs] I’m really nervous, okay? I left my home planet because the androids were taking over and I’ve sworn to not get involved with that ever again because they’re fucking scary, man.

Tonu:            You’re saying the androids took over your whole planet?

Tamago:       Yeah. That’s why I had to leave and then I- I- I kind of forgot how to get back home. Which is a little embarrassing, which is why I haven’t been sharing that with people. God, I’m so afraid of the fucking androids. [whimpers]

Android 69:       As it should be.

Tamago:       I just- I wish I could go back home to the fields.

King Kai:           Tamago! Tamago!

Tamago:       [tearful] The beautiful llama fields that—

King Kai:           Tamago!

Tamago:       —they just turned into a factory so they can build more. They could build more in the beautiful llama fields that were dedicated to our ancestors. And no matter how much we spit on them, it never clogged their gears!

King Kai:           Tamago, that’s the Ginyu Force talking. You can’t let them live rent-free in your head! That’s why I’m here.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Tamago:       [tearful] But they do! Every day I wake up and I’m like, are you an egg or an ovary? And I don’t know!

Tooba:          Listen, they’re so stupid, and they’re so ridiculous.

King Kai:           And they’re dead.

Tooba:          Yeah.

King Kai:           Literally.

Tamago:       I- I don't know. I’m cursed to live so long and not have any friends.

King Kai:           You do have friends! We’re your friends!

Tooba:          Reclaim your time! Reclaim your power!

Tonu:            Tamago! You’re literally the coolest person I’ve ever met! You’re a space bounty hunter that’s also a llama.

Tamago:       [embarrassed] No.

Tonu:            And I never mentioned this because I forgot until now, but that was always my favorite animal.

Tamago:       The llama?

Tonu:            Yeah.

[Tamago squeaks happily.]

And I would love nothing more than to see you hawk back the most powerful loogie this world’s ever seen and burn a hole right through this bastard’s motherboard.

Tamago:       [emotional] Guys, I’ve never felt this kind of friendship before.

Tooba:          [emotional] Can you be my mom?

Tamago:       [emotional] I can be your mom!

Sage:            +9000 points for Tamago!

[Everyone screams as they power up.]

[Powerup chimes.]

Android 69:       They’re getting ready to bolster up an attack! I need to give it everything I’ve got with an Infinity Cannon. Here we go!

Tonu:            Tamago, now! You have to do it now!

Tamago:       I feel so powerful!

Tooba:          Do it!

Tamago:       Skull Split Spit!

[Saliva and energy shrieks as Tamago inhales for her attack.]

King Kai:           Do the Spirit Bomb! Now!

Tonu:            Tooba! Tooba, move your Spirit Bomb into mine!

Tooba:          Uh, okay, I don’t know if it’s ready, but okay!

Tonu:            We gotta go now! We don’t have time!

King Kai:           Cross the streams!

Tonu:            Slowly!

[Tooba screams as he moves his energy toward Tonu.]

With all the energy and Namekians around the universe and everybody on Earth!

[Everyone screams as the energy increases.]

King Kai:           Aaaaaaaaaaa!

Tamago:       Uuaaaagghhhhhh!!

Tooba:          Ooooooooooaaggghhhhhh!!!

Tonu:            AaaaaaaaaAaaaaaagggghhhhhh!!!!

[Music crescendos.]

Android 69:       Infinityyyyy… CANNON!!!!!

[The attacks release in an explosion!]

[Music fades.]

[Wind blows across the dusty, smoke-filled arena. A heavy silence hangs.]

[Tonu shifts in the dust and coughs. Android 69 crackles and glitches.]

Android 69:       I can’t believe all these egotistical lifeforms did it. Unless…that’s exactly how they did…and why I failed.

[Beat.]

That was enough exposition to save my life.

[Stifled laughter.]

But I’m gonna decide to shut down instead.

[Electricity crackles and squeals.]

Jessica:          Whoa.

Tamago:       And good riddance. Oh, I’m… I’m not a llama anymore.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Tooba:          [also back to normal] You got your groove back!

[Emily stifles laughter.]

[Suspenseful music builds.]

Tonu:            [groans, weak] Did we- did we get him, guys?

Tooba:          Yeah.

Tamago:       We did! [gasps]

Tooba:          We got him.

King Kai:           We got him.

Tamago:       Tooba! Can you- can you help him? He’s hurt!

Tooba:          I can try.

King Kai:           There’s a hole in him.

Tamago:       [worried] Tooba?

Tooba:          I have regeneration powers as a Namekian.

King Kai:           He has holey powers. As a man with a hole in him.

Tooba:          Well, let me try.

[Tooba steps over to Tonu.]

Hold tight, tot- tia- I don't know your name.

[Sage snickers.]

Tonu. I just met you, but, uh, here!

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Jessica:          Oh. 97.

[Success chime.]

[Tooba groans uncertainly as he uses his powers to heal Tonu.]

Tamago:       Tonu, stay with us.

[Tonu gasps, increasingly relieved, as his wound closes.]

Tonu:            Oh wow.

Tooba:          Oh. Yay! I did my job.

Tonu:            Wow! Hey! Thanks!

Tamago:       Good job, Tooba.

Tooba:          Thank you.

[Microphone feedback squeals.]

[Gentle, upbeat music builds.]

Announcer:      [on loudspeaker] Wow! It looks like the entire stadium has been completely obliterated. We’re standing in basically a crater. Somehow I’m alive. Of course, I’d be able to tell you how I lived, but you guys aren’t interested. So forget it.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[The Announcer chucks the microphone to the side. Feedback squeals as it hits the ground.]

Alright. Welp. You all win.

[Tooba gasps.]

Tamago:       So we can bring everybody back with the Dragon Balls?

Announcer:      I mean, honestly I think we’re gonna just skip a year. Kinda like, you know, the 2020 Olympics. Like, we just- [Sage stifles laughter] Just don’t really get to do it. But we’ll do it next year.

[Everyone groans in annoyance.]

But I will give somebody the Dragon Balls.

[Everyone cheers and claps.]

The question is, who?

Tooba:          Well the Dragon Balls you get three wishes, right?

Announcer:      Last I checked…

[Paper rustles as he checks his sheet.]

Yes! I was gonna give these Dragon Balls to one champion, but we already broke a ton of other rules.

[Stifled laughter.]

So I guess you can share them.

Tonu:            Well, I think it’s pretty clear that we have to wish everybody that android killed today, we have to bring 'em back to life, right?

Tooba:          Yeah.

Tamago:       Yes. Of course.

Tonu:            But, uh, then what else is everyone- what else did we wish for?

Tamago:       I already got my wish. I have friends.

Tooba:          Yeah. And Tamago, you said you’d be my mom?

Tamago:       I mean, I’ve never been a mom before, but I think it’s kind of like being a friend except I give you a bedtime. So I could probably do that!

Tooba:          That’s what I’ve always wanted! I have adoption papers in my inventory.

[Papers rustle.]

That you can sign. So you can legally become my mom. That way I won’t have to use a wish to- to have a mom. Because y-you’ll be all I need!

Tamago:       Sure. Do you wanna go into the bounty hunting business? 'Cause that- that’s kind of all I do.

Tooba:          Uh…okay.

Tamago:       Tonu, you should wish for your tail back.

Tonu:            Huh?

Tamago:       So you can be a whole Saiyan.

Tonu:            Um, I don't know.

[Sage chuckles.]

The turning into a giant gorilla thing was kind of a drag. I mean, I’ll think about it. King Kai, do you want anything?

Tamago:       I don't know if we should ask him that. [Emily stifles laughter]

[Stifled laughter.]

Somehow I feel like that’s not a good idea.

King Kai:           Okay, hear me out.

[Chuckling.]

I think we could all use a nice round of courses at UCB on Sunset.

[Stifled laughter.]

Tooba:          [confused] What?

[Travis laughs.]

Tonu:            What’s that?

King Kai:           It’s a place where you go to get funny.

[Stifled laughter.]

Tooba:          Wait! Can I- c-c-can I wish to- to have a- a spaceship so I can visit other Namekians?

King Kai:           I don't know that’s kinda steppin’ on the UCB toes. Are we- we sure about this?

[David stifles laughter]

Tooba:          Well, we have to-

Tonu:            We got a lot of- hold on. First let’s just get the dragon up. We’ll figure it out after that.

[Sage chuckles.]

I’m sure he’s patient.

Tooba:          Okay.

Tamago:       Okay.

[Dragon Balls rustle as Tonu picks one up.]

Tonu:            Okay, how do we do this?

King Kai:           Oh, yeah. You need to say the right words in Namekian. [David stifles laughter]

Tooba:          Oh, shit. Can I do that in post?

Sage:            [chuckles] Yes.

Tooba:          Thank you. Takkara-Puto Poshenron Pupiritto-Paro!

[The Dragon Balls chime as they’re activated.]

Tonu:            Whoa, the sky’s turned black.

[Energy bursts from the Dragon Balls.]

Shenron:        Shenron speaks to you. Who has collected the Dragon Balls and disturbed my slumber?

Tonu:            I guess we all did.

Tamago:       Yeah, it’s kind of a group effort.

Shenron:        By using the Dragon Balls you agree to the terms and conditions of Dragon Ball Enterprises.

Tooba:          Uh, yeah we don’t have time to hear or read any of this.

Tonu:            Yeah.

Tooba:          So we’re just gonna click the box and yes.

Tonu:            I’m just gonna click agree.

Tamago:       Sure, we agree. We agree! Please don’t read them all. We agree.

Shenron:        Are you sure you—

Tooba:          Yeah, we’re sure!

Tamago:       Yes, we’re sure that we agree!

Shenron:        Would you like to give Dragon Balls access to your personal information?

[Travis snickers.]

Like location and contacts?

Tonu:            Uh, just- just- just this once, maybe. Just this once.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tamago:       Only when we’re using them.

Tooba:          Yeah, only when- only when we’re using them.

[Sage chuckles.]

Shenron:        Would you like to allow Dragon Balls to show notifications on your smart device?

[Sage and Travis chuckle.]

Tooba:          No. No, I don’t need any notifications.

Shenron:        Uh, would you like Dragon Balls to email you with exciting offers and updates on your phone?

Tamago:       No! No, newsletter. No. No.

Tooba:          Well- what’s email?

Tonu:            There’s so many rules!

Tamago:       It’s gonna go right to spam.

Shenron:        Please choose a username—

[Sage laughs.]

—and password.

Tamago:       Fuck this.

[Tonu groans.]

Sage:            Hours pass by, practically the whole day.

[Scene change whoosh.]

Tonu:            [irked] What do you mean which one of these doesn't have a streetlight in it?

[Stifled laughter.]

Shenron:        Which one of these doesn't have- you’ve run out of time.

[Shenron and the others shout over each other.]

Which one of these doesn't have a mus—

Tamago:       We’re not androids! We’re not androids!

Tooba:          We’re not androids!

Tamago:       We’re not androids!

Tonu:            We’re not an- that’s an android. Look, he’s dead.

Tamago:       He couldn't find the fucking car.

[Stifled laughter.]

Tonu:            Alright. Can we wish everyone back now?

[Beat.]

Shenron:        Yeah.

Tonu:            Alright. We wish that everyone that the android killed today is brought back to life.

Shenron:        It’s—

Tonu:            No!

Shenron:        What?

Tonu:            Everyone that the android killed forever.

Shenron:        Ca- what?

Tamago:       No, we don’t know that. He may have killed some very bad people. We- we do—

Tonu:            Okay everyone- oh. You’re right.

Tamago:       Today. Just today.

Tonu:            Yeah, every—

Tamago:       Keep it contained.

Tonu:            Okay.

Shenron:        Is that your final answer?

Tooba:          Yes.

Tonu:            Yes.

Tamago:       Yes!

[Magic thrums.]

Shenron:        Your wish will take approximately 20 minutes to complete.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Tooba:          Uh, do we have—

Tamago:       Now’s the time—

Shenron:        You can unlock instantaneous—

[Travis and Sage chuckle.]

—wish granting by signing up with Dragon Balls Premium.

[Tamago sighs in annoyance. Tooba groans.]

Tamago:       I fucking quit.

Shenron:        Along with earning points for every wish you make.

[Sage laughs.]

With a rebate emailed to you at the end—

Tooba:          [confused] Rebate?

Shenron:        —of every financial quarter.

[Sage laughs.]

Tonu:            Oh, this sucks.

Tooba:          The new Dragon Balls are just a buzz kill.

[Magic chimes.]

Shenron:        Loading wish.

Tamago:       I like the old Dragon Balls.

[Magic chimes.]

Shenron:        Loading wish.

Tonu:            I didn’t mind the commercials, you know.

[Magic chimes.]

Shenron:        Loading wish.

Tooba:          I just don’t wanna pay more money.

Tonu:            Yeah.

[Magic chimes.]

Tamago:       Can we turn the sound off?

Shenron:        Did you know that you can check the status of your wish on DragonBalls.com?

[Stifled laughter.]

Type in your tracking number and your account information to receive live updates by text message—

Tamago:       I’m going to the bathroom while this happens.

Shenron:        —of where your wish stands with you.

Tonu:            Yeah. God, I’m hungry.

Tamago:       Yeah, let’s go.

[The trio walk off.]

Shenron:        Dragon Balls is proud to announce…

[Episode end music builds.]

[Shenron continues in the background.]

Narrator:         And so with two of their wishes still cued under the eternal dragon, Shenron, the TTTeam set off for dinner somewhere, basking in the glow of their first ever victory and newfound friendship. And with the evil Android 69 emasculated and shut down, everyone in the universe, including those revived and any unseen threats on the horizon, kept their illustrious egos intact for now, for better, or for worse.

[Music crescendos...]

[Guitar strums. The cast sing an acoustic cover of “Rock the Dragon”.]

Jessica:          Dragon Ball Z.

David:           Hwah!

Everyone:       Dragon, dragon, rock the dragon

Dragon Ball Z!

Dragon, dragon, rock the dragon

Come, Come get me

[Guitar strums while Sage screams.]

Travis & Emily:          Dragon Ball Z. Hwah!

Everyone:       Dragon, dragon, rock the dragon

Dragon Ball Z!

Dragon, dragon, rock the dragon

Come get me

David:           Dragon Ball Z, hwah!

Emily:          Dragon Ball Z, ah!

Jessica:          Dragon Ball Z, ow!

Sage:            Dragon Ball Z, ah!

Everyone:       Dragon Ball Z, AHHH!

[Guitar strums to an end.]

[Chuckling.]

Sage:            [amused] Fuck you.

[The Twilight Space music crescendos and cuts off.]

Credits

[Suspenseful action music plays.]

Kristin Couture:    20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Travis Reaves, Jessica Dahlgren, Emily Ervolina, and David Michmerhuizen.

Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Twilight Space artwork by Chandler Candela

Original music score by Sage G.C.

A very special thanks to all of our wonderful Patreon supporters of past, present, and future.

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter or Instagram @20SidedStories

Or visit our website for all sorts of goodies at 20sidedstories.com

Special Thanks

[Music continues.]

Sage:            And that is another season of 20 Sided Stories wrapped. We hope you enjoyed this absolutely bonkers batch of episodes. We certainly had a blast making them.

If you look down in the episode description, we have a brand new listener survey. Super short, a bunch of it is optional, but we really wanna hear from you and learn about you, the listener, as we move forward. So if you have two minutes it would mean a whole lot to fill that out.

Alright, we got some people to thank.

[Radio clicks on.]

[Tamago's theme plays.]

Tamago:        Oh my goodness, you guys I’m so excited! I have made so many new friends! Like

MoshCoffee

And India Derewetzky.

And Mark Bridge

Uh, also Deborah Butterfield

Hi, Debbie!

And EldonOoi1987 Who has a very special message saying “support content creators who put their heart in their work. Much love from Singapore.” Aw! What a good friend!

Oh! I’m also friends with Cameron Parker

And Elijah Seely

And Sarah Boyd

Zach Paul

Jamie Donelson

Uh, Sarah Oakhill

Johnathan Jou

And Hunter Mcintosh

And Oneil Infante

And Flavia Cavalcanti

And Kevin

And Josh Stewart

And Jessie Schoedel

And Kingsley Beowick

And Michelle LeeAnne

And we’re all friends because they went to Patreon.com/20SidedStories.

Ooo, ooo! And we keep up with each other in our very special Discord, where we can share memes and pictures and fun facts and stay best friends forever!

[Playful music crescendos and fades.]

[Radio clicks off.]

Thanks for Listening!

[Suspenseful action music resumes.]

Sage:            Thanks, Tamago. And thank you all, those who have subscribed in the past and those who subscribed currently. Really means the world to us and it makes this show better.

This is, unfortunately, the part where I now remind you all that yes, we will be going on a hiatus. We’ve had our next series picked for quite some time and decided that it’s something we just can’t record remotely like we did this season. We really gotta do it in person. So, how much time that’s gonna take is uncertain. But hopefully we’ll have some new episodes, I don't know, by the fall? We’ll see.

In the meantime, you will be able to find us on Twitch.tv/20SidedStories

That’s right. We’re working out the details right now, but hope to start live streaming regularly. We’ll have an announcement for that very soon. So make sure to follow the channel, so you can get notified when we go live.

And until then, Jess and I are gonna be streaming on our own personal channels.

Twitch.tv/sagegc and Twitch.tv/jessdahlg

I’m doing music stuff, Jess is playing games. So come hang to hold you over until the twitch.tv/20SidedStories launch happens.

We will still be releasing monthly Patreon content on the Adventure Pass feed. We’re mapping out upcoming episodes right now. The soundtrack for all the music written throughout this series will be coming out in the next couple weeks at sagegc.com/music.

If you wanna play any of the micro RPGs I designed, including this DRAGON BALL Z one, you will be able to find that at sagegc.com/games

Holy shit, I’ve thrown a lot at you, so just know all these links are in the episode description. Everything you need is down there along with that listener survey, where you can tell us what you want on the Twitch channel and the Adventure Pass feed and in future seasons. Lots to look forward to.

And if not through the survey, know that you can always Tweet at us or pop in the Discord. We love to hear from you.

But that does it for me. [clears throat]

Narrator:         You have been listening to THE TWILIGHT SPACE, a series of five wildly different one-shots. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and we’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story.

[Music crescendos and fades.]