Introducing Pokémon Pen & Paper Version!

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Introduction

Air Date: July 25, 2018

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc. or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a nonprofit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use, and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto.

If introductory information bores you, feel free to jump right into Episode 1. But, if you want a refresher on Pokémon and how this podcast works, then you’re in the right place.

[Podcast Intro music.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro music fades out.]

Introduction

[Beeping as a New Game is started. Echoing click of an in-game door opening. Pokémon theme plays.]

Narrator:         Hello there! Welcome to the world of Pokémon!

If you don’t know what Pokémon is, my god what giant rock have you been living under? No need to worry. We’ll catch you up on all you need to know.

This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokémon. For some people, Pokémon are pets. Others use them for fights or to study as a profession. Trainers may start their journey as young as ten years old, departing from their homes without parental supervision and traveling far and wide in search of the best Pokémon.

Training them to evolve, learn new abilities, and battle others. This includes battling and defeating Gyms as part of the Indigo League, which are led by the toughest trainers in all the region.

Many years ago, two trainers from the Kanto region took foot outside of their home in Pallet Town with an encyclopedic Pokédex from Professor Oak and a quest to catch them all. They defeated every Gym they challenged, including the Elite Four. And eventually fought each other for the title of Pokémon League champion. Their names were Red and Blue.

[Suspenseful music builds.]

While the Pokémon world is blissful and at times uncomfortably peaceful, not all is sunshine and Ho-Ohs flying over rainbows. There are still those who wish to take instead of give, and use Pokémon abusively for their own gain. Led by the notorious Giovanni a group named Team Rocket attempted to take over all aspects of industry but were foiled by Trainer Red from Pallet Town and his incredibly OP Pokémon team.

A hero of the Kanto region, Red went on to defeat his rival, Trainer Blue, becoming a legendary, Indigo League Pokémon champion.

It is said that, after catching every known Pokémon in the Pokédex, he traveled to the peak of Mt. Silver to the northwest and still trains there alone.

Trainer Red’s tale has struck inspiration into the hearts of children who grew up in Pallet Town. And every year, Professor Oak hands out new Pokédexs to aspiring trainers to follow in Red’s footsteps.

[Inspirational music plays.]

Candace:          Hello! I’m Candace Carter, and I’m from Pallet Town, and I’m an Ace Trainer! That’s right! I come from the Carter family. My dad’s a politician and my mom’s a lawyer, and they want me to follow their path. But I’m gonna be like my aunt, Clair, and be the best Pokémon trainer and Gym trainer in the world.

She gave me a Vulpix that’s super rad, and I’m so excited to get started on my adventure.

Skip:             Hey, Skip Svitak here! I’m from Pallet Town! A Youngster class. I’ve got a Dratini that I found in the water not that long ago, and I’m gonna take it on my adventure to become the greatest Pokémon master!

Xander:           Hi. My name is Xander. I’m from Pallet Town. I…I’m a Musician. I’m not really a Pokémon trainer, but I did find a Mudkip that was injured outside the back of my trailer park. He was hit by a car and I felt bad, so I took him in. Now he follows me around.

I just go to school, even though I don’t like it, and I live in a trailer with my mom. My dad fronts a Cheap Trick cover band, and he lives somewhere out of town. I haven’t seen him in a while.

Wish we had more stuff to do…

Sage:            And I, Sage G.C., will be your game master.

[Gentle guitar music.]

Providing obstacles, additional character voices, and narrating the story. There are also other voices you will hear throughout the series, played by various guests, all of whom are improvisers improvising. That’s right, aside from the added magic of music and sound design, almost everything you hear was made up on the spot.

Though, we had some help, of course. A homebrewed RPG system was created exclusively for this series with the intent of embellishing the roleplay first but still leaving room for strategy and surprises. Outside of battle, each of our three trainers has a set of stats, such as Brawn or Smarts or Charisma. If I feel that any of these stats need to be tested, you’ll hear this sound.

[Stat test chime.]

The trainer will then roll two fudge dice that will determine one of four possible outcomes. If they succeed, you’ll hear this sound.

[Success chime.]

And if they fail…

[Failure chime.]

If the result is a net, meaning an equal number of pluses and minuses that sort of cancel each other out…

[Net chime.]

The obstacle will then have to be messily solved through roleplaying and nothing else. At the discretion of the GM of course. But that’s not all. If the trainer rolls blanks, they can call upon their Hidden Power.

[Hidden Power chime.]

The result is a success, but through the magic of improv and roleplaying, they must get creative and use their Hidden Power stat and only that stat to overcome the obstacle.

[Upbeat battle music.]

But what about the battles? The heart of the Pokémon games? Well, we felt it was really important that we capture the energy of the classic anime, and keep things exciting and present tense.

So, thanks to the amazing website and community of PokémonShowdown.com, all Pokémon are acted out as they occur with our improvisers actually battling with their Pokémon team in real-time, just as you would in-game.

There was a lot to fit into this season, so we did some level-scaling in between episodes where I had everyone roll a d4 to determine miscellaneous wild Pokémon battles. No need to worry about us just grinding through tall grass encounters. This adventure is a nonstop ride and story first.

[Pokémon theme music builds.]

Narrator:         A brand new Pokémon legend is about to unfold right before your very ears. Sixteen episodes of wondrous stories in a world of dreams, and adventures with Pokémon awaits. Let’s go!

[Pokémon theme fades.]

Check Us Out!

Sage:            If you wanna experience the full context of everything our Pokemon series has to offer, go to 20SidedStories.com/pokemon. There we have beautiful character portraits and artwork for every episode, our custom-designed RPG system is available for free, so you can play your own POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version, and full transcripts! Readable right on the site or as a downloadable PDF.

Be wary of spoilers, obviously, but if you wanna check it out, that’s 20SidedStories.com/pokemon.

#1 - A New Start

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 1 - A New Start

Air Date: August 1, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has absolutely no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use, and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

If you’re the kind of person who thinks of Pokémon and goes, “[groans] Oh man, it’s been a while.” or maybe you just aren’t familiar with Pokémon at all, we actually have an introductory episode that’s right before this one, and it goes over the very basics of Pokémon lore and kinda how we do this podcast and the roleplaying specifically on this series, but it is completely optional so you do you. With all that out of the way, please enjoy POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Episode 1 - A New Start

[Pallet Town Theme plays on piano. Relaxing, happy music throughout.]

Narrator:         A warm sunrise shines over the horizon of Pallet Town. It’s a beautiful Saturday morning full of lively and peaceful villagers ready to relax and enjoy their near-utopian life in the Pokémon world. Among its many homes we see one larger than all the rest. Regal, very nice, and recently renovated just because. A light breeze drifts through the red, velvety curtains of the second story window, and we see an eager and focused girl—Candace Carter, Ace Trainer class, age 13—enjoying the most recent Pokémon tournament broadcast live on her television as part of her Saturday morning routine.

[Cheers and Pokémon battle sounds from television.]

Candace:          Oh. Get him. Yeah. Yeah. Just...get that...yeah. Pickachu! You got it, you got it! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Oh! Oh my gosh, that Squirtle is just gonna be electrocuted [chuckles] like crazy! Wow, I love it! Pokémon! Yeah!

[A knock is heard from the door.]

Oh. Oh man. Uh [chuckles] I gotta turn off the TV.

Mrs. Carter:            [muffled] Darling?

Candace:          Hold on one second Mummy [chuckles].

[The television clicks as it switches channels. Soothing commercial music plays.]

Come in!

[The doorknob clicks open and Mrs. Carter walks across the carpet.]

Mrs. Carter:            Hello, darling. How are you?

Candace:          I’m good, Mummy.

Mrs. Carter:            Why isn’t your bed made?

Candace:          Um, I forgot. I’m really sorry. I woke up late, so I was in a rush.

Mrs. Carter:            Oh, of course darling. Why is the TV on?

Candace:          Uh, I was watching some- uh, the news.

Mrs. Carter:            Well, it’s on commercial now, darling.

Candace:          Yeah, uh, I’m just gonna turn it off to save electricity because I’m not watching it now.

[The television clicks off and Candace throws the remote.]

Mrs. Carter:            Well, keep it on, keep it off, darling, we’re rich so [chuckles] it really doesn’t matter.

Candace:          I like to be conscious of, uh, uh, how much energy we use, Mother. You know than an average household in this town uses way more energy than it actually needs.

Mrs. Carter:            [tsks happily] Oh. That’s why you’re my [singsongs] favorite daughter.

Candace:          Thanks, Mum.

Mrs. Carter:            Darling?

[Suspenseful music.]

Candace:          Uh. [hesitant] Yes, mother?

[Paper rustles.]

Mrs. Carter:            Um, I received a message and it’s a little…disturbing for me. As you know, I don’t like…Pokémon…or approve of it but, um, well, Professor Oak, he, um, [takes deep breath] wants you to, um, do…Pokémon for whatever filthy reason I can’t imagine [chuckles].

Candace:          [gasps] Wait. He does?

Mrs. Carter:            I…guess. That’s what the letter says and I don’t know why he would think I would allow such a thing—

[Paper rips.]

Candace:          Because it’s everything I’ve ever wanted to do!

Mrs. Carter:            Um. What?

Candace:          I- I, uh, I wanted—

Mrs. Carter:            Don’t!

Candace:          Mum, I want to be a Pokémon master!

Mrs. Carter:            No!

[Pallet Town theme returns.]

Candace:          And a Pokémon trainer.

Mrs. Carter:            No!

Candace:          Like Aunt Clair!

Mrs. Carter:            Oh, god no! Not that filthy Aunt Clair! Oh, god, darling, you know how I despise her. I had to marry into her family and now I have to deal with her and her- her dirty lifestyle. Oh!

Candace:          It’s Bohemian!

Mrs. Carter:            No, it’s not! Don’t talk about that hippie filth, darling. I wanted you to be a pristine lawyer, like- oh, like me! Look at me, darling. Look at our luxurious house.

Candace:          Mum, you have a lot of problems.

Mrs. Carter:            Wha- what?

Candace:          Maybe that’s, uh, that’s for another time.

Mrs. Carter:            [distressed] What do you mean?

Candace:          I don’t wanna be like you.

Mrs. Carter:            [yells] What?

Candace:          I’m really sorry.

Mrs. Carter:            [loud, distressed] What’s wrong with me?

Candace:          I don’t wanna be a lawyer!

Mrs. Carter:            Oh, god! Oh, god, oh! [sobs] Oh no. [gasps tearfully]

Candace:          Do you need the wine?

Mrs. Carter:            Yes, I need the wine!

Candace:          Okay.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Relaxing music continues. Teamwork Motif plays.]

Narrator:         Traveling to the riverside of Pallet Town we see Youngster Skip Svitak, age 13, hanging out with his favorite companion, Dratini, that he luckily caught all by himself. Kicking their feet, and tail, in the water there is a serene view of the oceanic Route 21 just ahead of them, glistening, vast, and inspiring.

Skip:             Dratini?

Dratini:         [lip and vocal trills] Brrbrbrr?

Skip:             I’m thinkin’ about...I’m thinkin’ about goin’ on an adventure.

Dratini:         BRRRrrrrr!

Skip:             Yeah, I know, but a lot of my friends are doing it too and, to be honest, I don’t think the professional skateboarding gig is gonna work.

Dratini:         Brrd brrbrr Rrr.

Skip:             [chuckle] You’re always such a flatterer but really, though, I’ve got a couple of good friends who are gonna go do it and I- I wanna go- I wanna go run away with them!

Dratini:         [low-pitched trills] Brrrr rrrr.

Skip:             Yeah, I know Candace is weird but if she—

Dratini:         [low trills] Br Rrr rrrr Brrr Brrr!

Skip:             I agree, you know, and I would never try to approach her talkin’ about that stuff, yeah. Parents and all.

Dratini:         Brrr brrrrd.

Skip:             But if she can get out of her house, then I think she would be a fun person to have on the trip.

Dratini:         Brr brrrr rrr?

Skip:             Klara? Well, I don’t know if she’s gonna be a Pokémon trainer or not. She’s so pretty.

Dratini:         Brrr?

Skip:             What? No, I don’t care about Candace. Talkin’ ’bout Klara. She’s so beautiful with her flowing hair and her great skills at…smiling.

Dratini:         [low trills] Brrr rrrr rrrr.

Narrator:         Skip is then approached by a man in a lab coat, looking fairly young and reasonable, perhaps early 30s, diligent, wearing some spectacles.

Oak’s Aide:          ’Scuse me?

Skip:             Hi!

Oak’s Aide:          You Skip?

Skip:             Yes!

Oak’s Aide:          I believe you talked with Professor Oak recently. Uh, he would like to see you at the lab.

Skip:             Really?

Oak’s Aide:          Yeah.

Skip:             Okay!

[Skip’s shoes scuff on the pavement as he stands up.]

Oak’s Aide:          Follow—

Skip:             Excuse me sir!

Oak’s Aide:          Oh, uh, uh, I, uh, I mean you’re supposed to fo—

Skip:             Move!

[Skip shoves him aside.]

Oak’s Aide:          You’re supposed to follow- you’re supposed to follow me. You’re supposed to follow me. I—

[Skip skateboards down the sidewalk.]

Skip:             You’re not moving fast enough!

Dratini:         Brr d’brrrr!

Narrator:         We cut on over to the broken down home—

Travis:          ’Scuse me, it is a trailer. [chuckles]

Narrator:         Broken down trailer in the not-so-pleasant corner of Pallet Town where Xander—Musician class, age 14—is joined by his pathetic-looking Mudkip. Xander and his mother can’t afford a television to watch, so he is just looking at a box.

[Silence.]

Xander:           You ever just wonder what it’s all for?

[Beat.]

Mudkip:        Mud!

[A beat passes while birds chirp outside.]

Xander:           Yeah.

[Beat.]

Mudkip:        Kips!

[Beat.]

Xander:           What d’you wanna do today?

Mudkip:        Kips!

[Beat.]

Xander:           I wish I understood what you were saying.

Mudkip:        Mudkips!

[Beat. Xander sighs. Mudkip coughs.]

[Travis and the group stifle laughter.]

[Beat. A knock on the front door is heard.]

Xander:           [sighs] I wonder if that’s Mom back from the store.

[Clothes rustle as Xander stands. The door creaks open.]

Oak’s Aide:          Hello? Are you, uh, Xander?

Xander:           Uh, hi. Look my mom’s not home so if it’s like- We can’t pay this month.

Oak’s Aide:          Oh, I’m not the landlord.

Xander:           Oh.

Oak’s Aide:          I’m one of Professor Oak’s Aides.

Xander:           Oh. Professor Oak the- the Pokémon guy?

Oak’s Aide:          Yeah.

Xander:           Okay. Did you lose something?

Oak’s Aide:          No. We actually, uh, have an offer for you.

Xander:           Did my mom catfish you?

Oak’s Aide:          Catfish?

Xander:           What? Never mind. What?

Oak’s Aide:          Professor Oak would like to see you at his laboratory.

[Hopeful Teamwork Motif plays on guitar.]

Xander:           Me?

Oak’s Aide:          Correct.

Xander:           Why? I didn’t do anything.

Oak’s Aide:          You’re not in trouble. He actually has an invitation for you. I know you may have heard that he’s gotten a bit older. Um, he has his pattern that he goes through every couple of months. Uh, just so happens to be you and two other young trainers are invited to uh—

Xander:           I- I’ll go, but I’m no trainer. I just- I found this Mudkip in a ditch. It got hit by a car.

Oak’s Aide:          You know, some of the best trainers I’ve heard? Discovered by accident.

Mudkip:        Mud! [coughs] Kips.

Oak’s Aide:          Oh. You have a Mudkips?

Xander:           Yeah. His name’s Muddy Waters.

[Beat.]

[Birds chirp in the background.]

Narrator:         Professor Oak’s laboratory. It has received some upgrades over the years, but unfortunately not quite enough of them. Still sponsored by the city, they seem to have the money to stay afloat and carry out small research tasks, but lack the ability and leadership to keep up with the rapidly expanding technology and economy of the Pokémon world.

There isn’t a lot of traffic going in and out of the laboratory, but approaching the front door, from three different directions, are our three young, soon-to-be trainers.

[Footsteps tap on pavement.]

As they draw close to the entrance, and each other, they realize…wait a minute!

Skip:             You got out!

[Travel-inspiring music.]

Candace:          What? Uh… Let’s not talk about that.

Skip:             I knew you wanted to do Pokémon stuff. I just figured you were gonna be stuck in your house.

Candace:          Oh. Right. Yeah. Uh, I’m out! I, like, got outta my house and y- I- I know. I convinced my mom. I- I kind of like- She’s havin’ a hard time with it, but—

Skip:             [awed] You convinced Mrs. Carter?

Candace:          [hesitant] Yeah, I did. I’m very persuasive.

Skip:             [scoffs] Wow, that’s pretty impressive.

Candace:          Thanks.

Skip:             Hey, Xander.

Xander:           Hey, how’s it goin’?

Skip:             Wow, you in the daylight. This is pretty cool.

Xander:           Yeah. Yeah it’s- yeah, it’s whatever.

Skip:             You need some SPF somethin’ or other?

Xander:           No, I’m fine.

Skip:             Good. I didn’t have any.

Candace:          Guys, I’m so excited!

Skip:             Yeah, me too!

Xander:           What’s this- Do you guys know what this is about?

Candace:          Oh, I don’t know, but we got asked to see the Professor?

Skip:             I’m pretty sure we’re going on an adventure!

Candace:          He- he’s listing us! Yeah! Right? That’s what I think too! I can’t wait to get outta here!

Skip:             We’re gonna be the next Red.

Candace:          [whispers, awed] Oh my god.

[Birds chirp and traffic hums in the background.]

Xander:           Guys—

Candace:          I’m gonna be the next Red. We’re gonna be the next Red, right? [clears throat]

Xander:           Guys, I don’t know. He’s- [scoffs] He’s kinda really old now, and just seems like this is sort of a- everybody else- well, yeah- everybody just kind of agrees to let him do this. It’s just always there’s kids that come up and then, you know, whatever happens—

Candace:          Xander, what are you tryin’ to say?

Xander:           I don’t know, alright?

Candace:          Complete your sentences.

[Xander sighs.]

Skip:             Out with it.

Xander:           Never mind. It’s fine.

Candace:          Have confidence. Stop being such a loser.

Xander:           Okay.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for confidence.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

Alright, that’s a net. That means we have to solve it through roleplay. [stifles laughter]

Xander:           Sorry, I didn’t mean to- I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry—

Candace:          Stop apologizing, you didn’t do anything wrong—

Xander:           No, no, it’s fine, it’s fine. I’m sorry—

Candace:          —you just gotta keep talking.

Xander:           —I don’t- nah, it’s- I’m done. I’m done.

[Professor Oak theme plays. Exciting and upbeat.]

Sage:            The door slides open. You know, ’cause everything’s automated in the world of Pokémon.

[Automated door slides open.]

Oak’s Aide:          You can enter now, if you wanna follow us.

Candace:          [squeals] Okay!

[Rapid footsteps as Candace and Skip race forward.]

Greg:          Skip enters first.

Jessica:          And I run and nudge him with excitement and I’m first.

Xander:           [quiet] Jesus Christ.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for swiftness. You two rolling off to see who gets there first.

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

Ooo.

[Laugher.]

Greg:          We just grind.

[Laughter.]

Sage:            It’s a tie!

[Jessica growls playfully.]

And Candace and Skip, both equally excited to start their adventure, literally come shoulder-to-shoulder, neck-and-neck, pushing each other side-to-side, as if their noses are connected for some reason and it shouldn’t be physically possible, but they fight over it—

Greg:          Like half our face? [chuckles]

Sage:            Yup. [chuckles]

—and they arrive right at the last room in the laboratory where an old man in a white coat is facing the wall.

Skip:             [awed] Professor Oak.

Candace:          [awed] Is that you?

Professor Oak:              [gremlin screech] Yes!

Skip:             Oh, sh—

Candace:          Oh... Hi! My name is Candace Carter.

Skip:             Hi, I’m Skip S-S-Svitak.

Professor Oak:              AH! [senile yelling] Welcome! To the wonderful world of Pokémon!

[Slow footsteps.]

Candace:          Xander, get in here!

Xander:           Ah, Jesus Christ.

Skip:             That’s Xander Dream Police Whitten—

Professor Oak:              [senile yelling] There are many secrets to be found in the world of Pokémon!

[Beat.]

Candace:          Um…

Skip:             Does it matter what my name is?

Professor Oak:              What’s your name?

Skip:             Skip…

Professor Oak:              Skip.

Skip:             …Svitak

Professor Oak:              Skip. Kip...Mudkip.

Mudkip:        Mud. Kip! [coughs]

Professor Oak:              [shouts] What is that?

Xander:           Th-This is- this is Muddy Wat- this is a Mudkip.

Professor Oak:              That’s not from Kanto.

Xander:           I- I- I don’t know. I found him.

Professor Oak:              Where did you find a Mudkip?

Xander:           Uh, he was in a- he was thrown out in the ditch by my trailer park. He got hit by a car.

Professor Oak:              [fast] That isn’t one of the 151 Pokémon that I ever discovered.

Xander:           Uh, well, here you go man. [nervous chuckle] Check it out.

Mudkip:        Mud!

Professor Oak:              Interesting.

Mudkip:        [coughs] Kip.

Xander:           Yup.

Candace:          [fast] Wait. I have a Vulpix. Do you wanna see? Her name’s Pixie. Vulpix, go!

[A swish is heard as Candace tosses a Poké Ball. A chiming whoosh as Vulpix exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Isn’t she sweet?

[Pixie the Vulpix cries out happily.]

Professor Oak:              Yeah, yeah, whatever. But this Mudkips. Where did you find it?

[Beat.]

Xander:           I-in the ditch behind my trailer park.

Professor Oak:              But this Mudkips. Where did you find it?

Xander:           [yells] In the ditch behind my trailer park!

Candace:          You’re doing a really good job at completing your sentences and speaking with confidence. Good job, Xander.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, okay.

[Sad, nostalgic music.]

Professor Oak:              I’ve had a dream my whole life. That I could explore and be a Pokémon trainer, but alas I have grown old and I can no longer do this.

Skip:             That’s not how that speech goes.

Professor Oak:              So I would call upon- Red! Where are you?

Candace:          Uh. R-Red’s not here.

Professor Oak:              Where is Red?

Candace:          He was, you know, doing cool Pokemon trainer stuff and, you know, fighting the Elite Four. You know, all that Pokemon stuff. I’m sorry, uh…

[Candace clears her throat and pronounces it correctly.]

Pokémon. Guys?

Professor Oak:              Red already beat the Elite Four?

Candace:          Yes.

Skip:             Candace would know. She’s kinda the class know-it-all.

Candace:          Thanks. I know everything. [chuckles]

Professor Oak:              [senile yelling] Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon!

Candace and Xander:   Guys…

[Xander chuckles nervously.]

Candace:          What were you gonna say?

Xander:           Oh, no, you go ahead.

Skip:             I’ll do it! I think he’s a robot.

[Suspenseful piano music.]

Xander:           No, I think he’s- I—

Candace:          I think he has—

Xander:           I think he has Alzheimer’s.

Skip:             Reveal yourself, robot!

Xander:           [quiet] Oh shit.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Professor Oak:              You mean Porygon?

Candace:          D’you say what?

Professor Oak:              A Porygon. It’s a- ra- first man-made Pokémon.

Candace:          Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Professor Oak:              What number is he then?

[Sage snickers.]

Candace:          Um, you know—

Professor Oak:              You’re right, I do know. So where’d you get that Mudkips?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Mudkip:        Mud!

Xander:           Uh, hey.

Candace:          [yells] He said that he had found it at his trailer park!

Xander:           Okay, you don’t need to- you don’t need to- yup. You don’t—

Candace:          [yells] He lives in a trailer park with his single mother!

Xander:           You don’t need to—

Candace:          [yells slowly] The Mudkip was hit by a car—

Xander:           I… [sighs] Thank you.

Candace:          It was hurt.

Xander:           [quiet] Thank you.

Candace:          But he made it feel better because Xander has good qualities in care-taking—

Xander:           [sighs] Okay.

Candace:          —because he has to look after his mother!

Xander:           Okay guys I’m gonna go, um… Okay, Mudkip, let’s go. Time to go.

Candace:          No, Xander, why are you leaving?

Xander:           Let’s go. [whispers] ’Cause I don’t wanna hang out with this senile dude and—

Candace:          [whispers] But it’s Professor Oak

Xander:           [whispers] I don’t give a shit!

Skip:             [whispers] He’s also a—

Professor Oak:              I have a gift for you!

Skip:             [whispers] Okay.

[Lab theme plays, upbeat and fast. Items rustle.]

Sage:            And Professor Oak pulls out three red, shiny Pokédexes…es.

Candace:          [gasps] It’s a Pokédex.

Skip:             Oh my goodness me.

Xander:           ’Kay.

Skip:             It’s a Pokédex.

Candace:          I already said that!

Xander:           What’s that?

Skip:             Whatever.

Professor Oak:              Oh, wait, hold on.

Sage:            And then he pulls out a fourth one.

[Items rustle. A swish is heard as the Pokédex is pulled out.]

Candace:          Whoa. Wait.

Skip:             Which one do we shoot?

Candace:          Do I get two?

Sage:            The door opens at the end of the laboratory and some Little Shit comes running in.

[Rival theme music plays on surf guitars.]

You can tell, you all hate this kid.

Xander:           God.

Candace:          Who is this little shit?

Xander:           Oh no.

Skip:             Oh. That’s Candace’s boyfriend.

[Travis chuckles.]

Jessica:          O-oh!

Skip:             Oh, I mean- not Candace. Oh, Klara’s. That’s Klara’s boyfriend.

[Greg and Jessica chuckle.]

[Rapid footsteps tap as a Boy runs up.]

Candace:          Yeah! I don’t have a boyfriend.

Skip:             Yeah. We all know you don’t have a boyfriend.

Candace:          Screw you!

Boy:           Oh wait, what’s up nerds?

Xander:           [mumbles] You guys are writing with pen.

Boy:           What?

Xander:           Huh?

Boy:           Did you three get invited to Oak’s laboratory also?

Candace:          Yeah! What’s it to you?

Xander:           No.

Skip:             Yeah, we’re just as good as you!

Boy:           What are you talking about? You guys suck. I have a Tangela.

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          I have a Vulpix!

Skip:             Why don’t you “Tangela” this?

[Dratini trills.]

Boy:           That’s- that’s fake.

Candace:          That’s a real Pokémon.

Skip:             Is this fake? Dratini, Wrap!

[Dratini trills.]

Boy:           Ah, shit.

Professor Oak:              Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on!

Candace:          Oh.

Professor Oak:              Children! I have brought you here today to send you on an adventure.

Xander:           [“Nope”] Mm-mm.

Professor Oak:              You guys are going to catch them all!

Xander:           [“Nope”] Mm-mm.

Candace:          Oh, we have to do that with the Little Shit?

Professor Oak:              Little Shit. Is that his name?

Candace:          Yeah.

Professor Oak:              I don’t really remember.

Candace:          That’s his name.

Zach:            His name is Zach!

Professor Oak:              Little Shit Zach?

Skip:             Yeah!

Little Shit Zach:     That’s not my name! What the hell? This is my great-grandfather! Ugh. He always forgets everything.

Xander:           Yeah, it’s ’cause he has Alzheimer’s.

Skip:             Oh, what’s your actual name, then?

Little Shit Zach:     Whoa, you actually care what my real name is?

Skip:             Well, I- I thought you were Zach.

Little Shit Zach:     I mean it’s [enunciates] Zachary.

Candace:          Wow.

[Beat.]

Professor Oak:              So what was his name? I don’t remember still. I’m very confused.

Candace:          He’s your great grandson, Zachary.

Professor Oak:              [distressed] I don’t remember what his name is.

Candace:          I’m so sorry Professor Oak. Are you okay?

Skip:             Yeah, can we help you?

[Footsteps tap as Xander walks away.]

Xander:           [whispers] What are we doing?

[Skip, Candace, and Professor Oak continue in the background.]

Oak’s Aide:          Look, just go along with it, alright? Oak has a pattern. He likes to do this, okay?

Xander:           [whispers] Can I go?

Oak’s Aide:          He’s gonna give you a Pokédex, you’re gonna go on an adventure—

Xander:           [whispers] Can I go home? When can we—

Oak’s Aide:          —and try to catch ’em all if you can.

Xander:           [whispers] Wh-what? I don’t wanna- this- this sounds like a huge commitment. I just wanna- Can I go home?

Oak’s Aide:          What else you got—

Candace:          Can I have my Pokédex?

Professor Oak:              Here ya go!

Candace:          Thanks!

Sage:            And he hands out all the Pokédex—

Skip:             Thank you!

Sage:            —but Zach is not happy about it.

Little Shit Zach:     So you guys think you’re gonna be a better Pokémon trainer than me?

Candace:          Yeah. Duh.

Skip:             Yeah, man.

Candace:          Do you not know who I am?

Little Shit Zach:     No.

Candace:          I’m Candace frickin’ Carter!

Little Shit Zach:     Do you go to, like, the private school?

Candace:          Uh, yeah.

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah, that’s why I don’t know you.

Candace:          What? Do you go to, like, the public school?

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah, I go to the same school that my cool-ass uncle, Blue, went to alright?

Candace:          Uck. Red is so much better.

Little Shit Zach:     Well, are you related to Red?

Candace:          [yells] Maybe!

Little Shit Zach:     [yells] Wrong!

Candace:          [yells] What, are you?

Little Shit Zach:     [yells] No. But I’m related to Blue and he’s just as cool!

Candace:          [yells] What, you don’t know that! I could be related to Red. I’m part of the Carter family. We’re related to really cool people. Do you know my Aunt Clair?

Little Shit Zach:     [yells] Yeah? Like- like who? Like who?

Candace:          [yells] My Aunt Clair!

Little Shit Zach:     [yells] You know what?

Candace:          [yells] Have you heard of her?

Little Shit Zach:     You know what? What were you sayin’ earlier?

Skip:             Hey, are you and Klara still a thing?

[Beat.]

Candace:          That’s my aunt.

Little Shit Zach:     I mean, like, yeah, but like—

Skip:             Wait. Your…aunt?

Candace:          I have an aunt, Clair. Wait. Who- what Clair are we talking about?

Skip:             [enunciates] Klara.

Candace:          Oh. Sorry. No. I have an aunt, Clair.

Skip:             Oh. Okay. No. I meant Klara.

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah, it’s a Kla- it was [enunciates] Klara.

Skip:             You guys are still a thing?

Little Shit Zach:     Well, I haven’t talked to her ’bout it yet because I was about to leave on an adventure.

Skip:             Okay, so you guys might be breaking up soon?

Little Shit Zach:     Nah, no. Well, I mean, I don’t know, man.

Candace:          Oh my god, boys. Can you not?

Little Shit Zach:     Can you just- like what d’you- what d’you even mean? What d’you even mean?

Skip:             Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.

Little Shit Zach:     You know what?

Skip:             Hey, cool Pokédex.

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah? What about cool Pokémon? Tangela, go!

Skip:             Dratini, go!

[The Pokemon exit their Poké Balls with a whoosh. Tangela and Dratini cry out. Trainer Battle music starts.]

Sage:            And so a battle breaks out in the middle of the Pokémon laboratory!

Professor Oak:              Oh, every time. All these little whippersnappers wanna battle. Oh, I’m so excited! Wait a minute. Are you three a team?

Skip:             Would a team do this?

[Running footsteps.]

Cartwheel!

[A swish and a thud as Skip moves and sticks the landing.]

[quiet] Come on.

Candace:          Um…somersault!

[A swish and thud are heard as she somersaults. Candace pants.]

Skip:             [quiet] Xander, do something and then join the tableau.

[Xander claps but stays put. Music stops. Clapping slows to a halt.]

[Beat.]

Little Shit Zach:     Tangela, use Bind!

[Music returns. Tangela cries out and squeezes.]

Sage:            The Tangela uses Bind against Dratini who also fights back with Wrap.

Skip:             Keep on Wrappin’!

Candace:          Get ’im! Get ’im!

Skip:             I’ll lay down a beat for you!

Little Shit Zach:     You can’t over Wrap my Bind, ’cause I’m gonna just keep using it.

[Both Pokémon cry out.]

Travis:          This is just a Tangela Wrapping Dratini, who is also Wrapping it? This is just a plate of spaghetti.

Sage:            Correct!

Candace:          Can I get my Vulpix in on this action?

Little Shit Zach:     No! Because I trapped his Dratini with my Bind, that means you cannot switch out at this time, unless you make my Tangela faint, which you won’t.

Skip:             Good, I didn’t wanna switch out! I wanted to kick its butt.

Candace:          Hey Tangela, you stink!

Little Shit Zach:     Hey Tangela, use Absorb on that stupid Dratini worm thing.

[An echoing whoosh.]

Skip:             Dratini, THUNDER WAAAVE!

Candace:          Yeah!

[Thunder Wave zaps.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh.

Narrator:         Dratini is not looking very good. Halfway through its health.

[Dratini trills.]

Skip:             Dratini, what the heck?

Little Shit Zach:     Ha! See, my Tangela’s really good. Even though you have a really nice Pokémon that’s probably gonna eventually level up to be way stronger than Tangela, because Tangela only evolves if I’m in, like, Sinnoh or something.

Uh, uh, doesn’t matter, ’cause I’m gonna beat you right now ’cause I have better moves. Watch! Tangela, use Absorb one more time!

[Echoing whoosh.]

Skip:             Dratini, THUNDER WAAAVE!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Little Shit Zach:     Ha! You’re such an idiot Skip! You’re such a loser! You’re so dumb! I bet you’ve never even had a Pokémon battle, you idiot! Look at this!

Xander:           Jesus Christ.

Little Shit Zach:     You can’t over paralyze a Paralyze. You already Paralyzed Tangela!

Skip:             Oh, I didn’t know that’s what it did.

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah, because he’s hella good at playin’ it cool. Ain’t that right, Tangela?

[Tangela moans in distress.]

Oh, god. Okay, he’s not doin’ so great.

[Dratini and Tangela both moan in distress.]

Tangela, just use Bind again!

[Vines swish forward and grab Dratini.]

Skip:             No! Dratini, Wrap!

[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard as its body constricts.]

Sage:            Dratini Wraps the Tangela, who’s also Paralyzed and cannot attack.

Little Shit Zach:     What the hell, Tangela? Do somethin’ better!

[A thud is heard as Tangela releases Dratini. Tangela cries out.]

Oh, dang it, his Bind is gone. That means… Oh, that means you can switch out and Dratini might be all better, and someone else can pick up the fight who’s stronger against my Grass-type Pokémon, like a Fire-type Pokémon, but they don’t have a Fire-type Pokémon—

Candace:          [yells] I have a Vulpix!

[Candace runs forward.]

Skip:             Dratini, get back here!

Candace:          Vulpix, go!

Little Shit Zach:     Son of a bitch!

[Vulpix exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Candace:          Vulpix, Ember!

Little Shit Zach:     Uh, no! Uh, Tangela, just use Bind or somethin’.

[Vulpix coughs and flames rush forward. Tangela screams.]

Oh no! Ember was super effective! You—

Candace:          Take that, loser!

Little Shit Zach:     No! He’s still in it! He’s not out, he’s not out, he’s in it, alright? Uh, Tangela, use, uh, the other move. I don’t remember which one it was.

Candace:          Vulpix, Tail Whip.

Little Shit Zach:     Hey, that’s gonna lower my defenses!

[Chimes are heard as Tangela uses Growth.]

Good thing I just raised my attack and my special attack.

Candace:          Ugh. Vulpix, uh, Ember again!

Little Shit Zach:     [frantic] Tangela, use, da- uh, Absorb! Get some of that health!

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh. Tangela screams.]

Candace:          Take ’im down, take ’im down, Vulpix.

Little Shit Zach:     No!

Candace:          Yes!

Little Shit Zach:     Tangela, no!

[Tangela faints and falls to the ground.]

Candace:          In your face! Vulpix, you’re the best.

[Vulpix cries out happily.]

[Victory theme plays!]

[Tangela returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Little Shit Zach:     It’s not- it’s not fair. You guys can’t fight as a team.

Candace:          Um, your great-grandfather said so, so…sucks for you. [chuckles]

Skip:             Also watch this pose!

[Running footsteps.]

Candace:          Somersault!

Skip:             Cartwheel!

Candace:          Pose!

[Rustles and thuds are heard as they land.]

Little Shit Zach:     Pretty sure your third guy’s been sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor this whole time.

Candace:          [Jessica chuckles] Xander!

Little Shit Zach:     Heh. So much for your team.

[Skip sighs.]

Candace:          He tries.

Skip:             This is…

Xander:           Okay.

Skip:             This is our test.

Xander:           Look, if we’re gonna keep- If you guys want me to do this kinda stuff, you need to tell me in advance what’s gonna happen. I—

Candace:          Improvise, man!

Xander:           I ca- I- [sighs]

Skip:             We’ve got a long road ahead of us, guys.

Candace:          Oh, gosh, I’m sweating.

Little Shit Zach:     Oh yeah? Well, I’m gonna go find my Uncle Blue, and- and- and he’s gonna show me to be a real Pokémon trainer. You know he was the Gym Leader at Viridian City?

Candace:          Ugh. Whatever.

Little Shit Zach:     As a matter of fact, I think he’s there right now.

[Rival exit music. Footsteps fade as Zach runs off.]

Skip:             Bye, Zach.

Little Shit Zach:     Fuck you, nerds!

[Automated door slides open.]

Candace:          [yells out] Klara is, like, not even that great, so…

Skip:             Whoa. Whoa. Easy. [nervous chuckle]

Candace:          I was attacking- I’m personally attacking him.

Skip:             No, attack him.

Professor Oak:              [senile yelling] Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon!

Xander:           Oh, Jesus Christ.

Skip:             Come outside, guys. Come outside, come outside.

[Everyone chuckles.]

[Upbeat, hopeful music starts. 8-Bit synths echo. Automated door slides open.]

Sage:            And you leave Professor Oak’s laboratory. The sun is shining, it is a bright, very exciting day, and the three of you look at each other and realize, “Hey. We could do this.”

Skip:             Hey.

Candace:          We could do this.

Skip:             You totally read my mind.

Candace:          We’re like a team.

Skip:             Yeah!

Candace:          Oh my god.

Skip:             We are so in sync. Xander, [irked] come outside.

[Reluctant footsteps. Door slides shut.]

Candace:          Xander. You gotta, like, cooperate with us. Like, you’re lucky that we’re letting you on our team. You know, you’re worth so much more than this.

Xander:           Guys, I don’t- I don’t know what- what led you to believe that I wanted to go on, like a j- Like, look I- I don’t wanna do this. Are you kidding me? I don’t want—

Candace:          What?

Xander:           I don’t- what?

Candace:          How could you not wanna do this?

Sage:            And then, Xander’s white trash, very obnoxious mother comes running down the street looking for her poor Xander.

[Awkward music. Birds chirp.]

Mrs. Whitten:      Xander! Xander! Oh ma god, where’s my baby been? Xander, get over here! Xander!

Xander:           Okay. Hi, Mom.

Mrs. Whitten:      Hi, baby!

Xander:           Hi, how ya doin’?

Mrs. Whitten:      I’m doin’ good, baby! I been so worried ’bout you, okay?

Xander:           It’s fine, I’m just- I been here.

Mrs. Whitten:      Oh my god, where’s- where’s “here”?

Xander:           Uh.

Skip:             This is the Pokémon Center.

Xander:           Hi.

Candace:          Hello, Mrs. Whitten.

Skip:             Hi, Mrs. Whitten.

Mrs. Whitten:      [gasps] Hi, darlin’.

Xander:           That’s not—

Candace:          I’m Candace Carter.

Mrs. Whitten:      Oh goodness. Candace Carter. Yer that rich girl!

Candace:          Yeah!

Mrs. Whitten:      Oh my god. Who are you?

Skip:             Hi. I’m Skip Svitak.

Mrs. Whitten:      Don’t know it. [wheezy chuckle]

Skip:             Oh. I have a Dratini?

Mrs. Whitten:      Oh, wow, good for youuu.

Skip:             I’m the best skateboarder in town?

Mrs. Whitten:      No, don’t know it.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           So, Mom, what’cha doin’ out here?

Mrs. Whitten:      I been lookin’ for ya, baby! I came home and all sudden you were gone and I was like, “Where’s my baby at?”

Xander:           I was- uh, well, I’m here.

Mrs. Whitten:      Alright, well, we’re goin’ home right now, okay? I need you to take care of all the stuff at home and I can’t do it by myself, can’t do it.

Candace:          Well—

Xander:           I know.

Candace:          You see, the thing is is, uh, Professor Oak he actually enlisted us to be, uh, Pokémon master team, you know, thing. And—

Mrs. Whitten:      Oh. But- oh. Oh my god.

Candace:          Even though he’s- Are you excited?

Mrs. Whitten:      I’m excited.

Candace:          Yeah?

Mrs. Whitten:      Yes. Oh my god. Professor Oak?

[Music intensifies, We Can Do This motif starts.]

Xander:           Shhh.

Mrs. Whitten:      He’s- baby, you can be famous!

Candace:          Yes!

Mrs. Whitten:      Baby!

Xander:           Ahhh, I don’t wanna—

Candace:          We’re going to [singsongs] be famous!

Xander:           I don’t—

Mrs. Whitten:      Oh my god, baby! Oh, baby’s goin’ ta be famous! Baby!

Skip:             We’re going to bring so much revenue to this town.

Xander:           [quiet groan] I don’t—

Candace:          Yeah.

Mrs. Whitten:      I don’t even care about that. Baby, you need to go on this mission. I trust these little kids, alright? I trust you with these little kids and these little Pokeymons, okay? I trust you.

Xander:           M-mom can I—

[Xander and his mother talk over each other.]

Mrs. Whitten:      You make me proud, baby.

Xander:           Mom can I talk—

Mrs. Whitten:      Make me proud!

Xander:           Mom can I talk—

Mrs. Whitten:      Make my moment, baby.

Candace:          Make her proud!

Xander:           [distressed] Mom!

Mrs. Whitten:      This is my chance, baby.

Xander:           Mom, can I talk to you for a sec?

Mrs. Whitten:      Okay.

Xander:           [nervous] Okay. Guys, can we get a second?

[Candace and Skip walk away. Pallet town theme plays quietly on piano.]

Candace:          [irked] Whatever, fine.

Xander:           [muffled] Mom, I don’t wanna go on a journey. It’s- I don’t wanna live outside.

Mrs. Whitten:      Baby, baby, baby. I literally pushed you outta me, okay?

Xander:           You bring this up every time.

Mrs. Whitten:      Baby, I pushed you outta me—

Xander:           Every time you want me to do something you guilt trip me with this.

Mrs. Whitten:      —it was ten hours. TEN HOURS of labor, baby.

Xander:           I know.

Mrs. Whitten:      Do this one thing for Momma, okay? I need this. I need to be famous. I need us to be famous, okay? So when you see your father, if you go through that goddamn town that he’s in, I want you to show him that we are better off without that sombitch, okay? I cannot.

Xander:           Oh, that’s not—

Mrs. Whitten:      I cannot, baby!

Xander:           Ugh.

Mrs. Whitten:      I want us to be famous. Do this for Mommy. Show off to Daddy. Alright?

Xander:           God, that’s emotionally unhealthy.

Mrs. Whitten:      Okay, baby.

Xander:           Um, okay, uh—

Mrs. Whitten:      I love you. [rapid kisses]

Xander:           Uh—

[A thud as Mrs. Whitten shoves Xander away.]

[Hopeful-anticipation music returns.]

Sage:            And she pushes them off on their way.

Candace:          See, Xander? I told you this was gonna be amazing.

Xander:           [mumbles] I fuckin’ hate this.

Candace:          You’re destined for greatness. Appreciate it.

Sage:            They walk towards the hills, towards Viridian City. And they get to the edge of Pallet Town, and Skip passes his house.

[Beat.]

Skip:             We’re good. Let’s keep going guys.

[Sage chuckles.]

Xander:           Do you wanna say “bye” to your mom or anybody?

Skip:             I left a note.

Candace:          That’s good enough.

Xander:           Leaving your friends—

Skip:             Ugh. Fine.

[Skip hurries over to the house.]

Xander:           —[fading] and family and- I- I mean. Whatever you want.

[Skip opens the front door and walks across the carpeted living room. A shower is running. He knocks on the bathroom door.]

Mrs. Svitak:            [deep, gravelly voice] Oh, you’re home Skip.

Skip:             Mom, I am, uh, I’m not gonna be a professional skateboarder just like you wanted. So I’m gonna go be a Pokémon trainer.

Mrs. Svitak:            You’re gonna be a Pokémon trainer?

Skip:             Just like Red!

Mrs. Svitak:            Or a Pokémon master?

Skip:             Oh. I’m hopin’—

Mrs. Svitak:            I have all the faith in you, my son.

Skip:             [fast] Okay, bye Mom!

Mrs. Svitak:            [fast] Goodbye.

[The front door slams. Skip hurries down the sidewalk back to the group.]

[Adventure-inspiring Pokémon Main Theme begins to play.]

Narrator:         And so, with no mention of his devious and discouraging older brother, Skip has all the confidence he needs to set out on the right path. He joins back up with his two great friends, each of them joined by their loyal Pokémon companions, and our three trainers set foot outside of Pallet Town to begin their long journey.

This is just the beginning of the amazing adventures of Candace, Skip, and Xander. Their journey is destined to be packed with non-stop action, millions of laughs, heart-pounding perils—[mumbles] tremendous sadness—and endless excitement! Together, they’ll encounter fantastic friends, evil enemies, and meet creatures— [mumbles] and personal demons—beyond their wildest imagination!

And as their story unfolds, we’ll unlock the magic and mystery of a most wondrous place. The incredible world of Pokémon!

[Episode End music.]

Credits

[Music continues throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by Kate Pursely, David McEuen, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

Sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Special Thanks

Sage:            Hey, guys, Sage here.

So…we did it. Crazy stuff. Episode one of sixteen. I am so excited to embark on this with everyone, with the cast and crew and of course you, the listener. Thank you so, so much.

If you have a Twitter, a Facebook, an Instagram, we would love for you to connect with us! Stay in touch, share, reach out. We want this show to soar, and we really can’t do it without your voice.

Just wanted to mention also, really quick, that we do have a Patreon if you like what you heard and wanna show some support. $1 gets you a shoutout on the show, and $3 gets you an Adventure Pass. More on that at patreon.com/20sidedstories.

For $0 though, all you gotta do is hit the subscribe button wherever you’re listening or simply share this episode with a Pokémon fan or a close friend who you think would get a laugh out of it.

As a matter of fact...

A very special thanks to Chad Ellis, Kadet Kuhne, and our Patreon Producers

Marlena Lowry. Jay Speck. Maureen Brown. Zack Bender. Eugene Chee. Rebecca Dahlgren. Becky Davis. Christine Tobey. Tanya Georgevitch. Scout Decker. Daniel Badiali. Josh Wolf. Garrett Reasoner. Mariah Ramblas. And of course, Dragon Viper Cobra Improv.

Alright, that’s it for now. Keep catchin’ ’em all, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later!

[Pokémon Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]

#2 - Viridian City Emergency!

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 2 - Viridian City Emergency!

Air Date: August 7, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[The relaxing, spunky Route 1 Theme music plays.]

Narrator:         It is a beautiful day, and our trainers have stepped foot outside of their home in Pallet Town prepared for a long, exciting road ahead, starting with the humble Route 1.

Candace:          [sings] —O-K-E-M-O-N! I’ve been singing this song to the very end. Oh, yeah.

[Candace continues singing in the background.]

Skip:             Hey, Xander.

Xander:           [quiet] Hey, how’s it going?

Skip:             Hey, man, you’ve been looking at your Pokédex a lot. What’s up?

Xander:           I’m just trying to figure out what it is.

Skip:             What what is?

Xander:           What this thing is. This Pokédex. You guys all talk, like- like you know what all this stuff is. Have I just missed the boat? I don’t understand any of... What do I do with this?

Skip:             Well, it’s, uh, it’s great for identifying different kinds of Pokémon. It’s gonna be sort of like your dictionary on the way.

Xander:           Okay. To where?

Skip:             To knowledge.

Xander:           No, where are we going?

Candace:          [sings] Viridian City. Whoo hoo! [normal] We’re going to Viridian City. It is, like, the place to be. My Aunt Clair is the Gym Leader, so you know. It’s gonna be pretty awesome. Yeah.

Xander:           [quiet] Okay.

Candace:          What’s going on? What’s- why- why are you being a Debby Downer right now? Why are you being the, you know, life-sucking person of the party?

Skip:             Xander Blander.

Xander:           Wow. Um. S-sorry. It’s fine. I won’t do anything. Let’s just go.

Candace:          Okay, no, but I’m really sorry. I just realized I was being a little insensitive. I’m very concerned. What’s going on in your brain? Because you keep shutting down and clearly there’s something wrong with you and you’re not talking about it.

Xander:           It’s…it’s- it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong. It’s fine.

Skip:             I figured it out.

Candace:          What is it?

Skip:             [sympathetic] He didn’t get to fight Zach.

Xander:           [louder] Let’s just go.

Candace:          Is that really why?

Skip:             [sympathetic] Do you need to fight some Pokémon?

Xander:           I don’t need to fight anybody. I don’t…

Skip:             ’Cause we’re- we’re gonna find some stuff on this trail.

[Xander sighs.]

Like if- Here, I’m gonna throw a rock at this tree. I’m sure somethin’ll come down.

[He scoops up a rock.]

Xander:           What? That sounds like not a good idea.

[Skip grunts as he throws the rock. Leaves rustle. Birds chirp in the background, but nothing happens.]

Candace:          Um, why don’t you try singing the song that I’ve been singing with me? Singing actually is proven to, like, boost people’s moods, you know that?

Xander:           Mm-hmm.

Candace:          Music is great. Don’t you like music?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Xander, can you roll me Sense for perception.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

Hmm. Alright. So we’re gonna solve this through roleplay. The three of you look around. You do see a big old blotch of tall grass.

Skip:             Xander, follow me!

[He charges down the path toward some tall grass.]

Xander:           Look- do- be ca—

Candace:          Come on, Xander, let’s go!

Xander:           Be careful!

Skip:             Over here!

Candace:          Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Xander:           [quiet] God.

Candace:          Pokémon, Pokémon, Pokémon!

Sage:            And our trainers go through the tall grass.

[Grass rustles. A bird chirps loudly.]

A wild Pokémon appears!

[Candace gasps.]

[Episode intro music.]

Episode 2 - Viridian City Emergency!

[Wild Pokemon Battle music. Birds chirp in the background.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh! Do you guys see that?

Skip:             Xander, look! It’s a...

[Beat.]

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          It is a...

[Beat.]

Xander:           What? What is it?

Sage:            You gotta pull out your Pokédex.

Jessica and Greg:    Oh!

Greg:          Hold on. [chuckles]

Candace:          Let me pull out my Pokédex.

[Backpack zips open.]

Skip:             I got mine out first!

Candace:          Uck. Screw you! I have it on first!

Pokédex:        [beep] Pidgey. Bird…thing.

Candace:          [disappointed] Oh, it’s a Pidgey.

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

Skip:             Dude, you got this!

Candace:          Yeah, you can definitely not screw this up.

Xander:           Wait, what?

Skip:             Attack it!

Xander:           Why?

Skip:             Beat it up!

Xander:           [distressed] Why?

Skip:             Because it’s—

Xander:           It’s a bird!

[Greg stifles laughter]

Skip:             You gotta hurt this animal.

Candace:          You gotta hurt it and- so that you can capture it, and he’s yours.

Xander:           I don’t… [horrified] Is that what the plan is?

Candace:          You gotta catch ’em all!

Skip:             Enslave that animal!

Xander:           Oh my god! This is absurd.

Candace:          You need a team!

Xander:           I ju—

Candace:          We are your team of humans, you need a team of Pokémon to help fight your battles.

Xander:           I don’t even know if Mudkip can do any- [sighs] Alright.

Candace:          Oh, believe in yourself and your Mudkip.

[Mudkip exits its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Xander:           Oh god. Oh.

Mudkip:        Mud!

Xander:           Okay, Mudkip.

Mudkip:        Kip! [coughs]

Xander:           Uh. [sighs, mumbles] Jesus Christ. Coughs getting bad. [normal] Go attack the bird? Go attack it. Go do it.

Candace:          [annoyed] There’s a list of attacks that your Pokémon can do. Keep up.

Sage:            Mudkip used Tackle—

Mudkip:        Mud!

[A thud is heard and wings flap.]

Sage:            —and the Pidgey responds with another Tackle.

[Pidgey’s attack hits with a thud.]

Xander:           Hit it again.

Mudkip:        Kip!

[Mudkip launches forward.]

Candace:          Oh, wow! You’re so close! Go on, Xander! Do it, do it!

Xander:           Do what? What?

Candace:          Uh, uh, you know. Water Gun!

Xander:           Wha- I- wha- I- I don’t wanna kill it! What are we talking about?

Candace:          You gotta- okay well, capture it, then. Throw your Poké Ball on it.

Mudkip:        Mud!

Candace:          It’s weak, it’s weak, do it!

Xander:           I only have this one.

[A swish is heard as Xander tosses Mudkip’s Poké Ball. The ball bonks Pidgey in the chest and bounces harmlessly off. Pidgey chirps in indignation. Mudkip cries out, annoyed at his Poké Ball being used.]

What’s that supposed to do?

Candace:          You’re supposed to have more Poké Balls!

Xander:           Wha- nobody told me that!

Candace:          Naah! Do we not have any Poké Balls?

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Quick, use a rope or something!

Xander:           Sorry! I’m so sorry!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            That is a roll for Charisma.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Alright, alright, then, uh. The Pidgey decides to stop battling, backs up a little bit, and just stares at you like a fuckin’ bird. [stifles laugh]

[Light-suspense music.]

Xander:           Guys… I think it’s really hurt. I got- I gotta- I gotta help this thing. I can’t. I- I- I- Mud—

Candace:          What are you gonna do, put duct tape on it?

Xander:           I mean, If I have to! Just- here. C-come here. Come here. Just- okay, stay still—

Candace:          I’m coming. What?

Xander:           [irked] Not you. Get…away.

Candace:          Okay fine. [scoffs] I’ll get away.

Xander:           Just inch closer.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Okay, Xander, roll for Charisma one more time.

[Dice roll on table.]

We’re gonna check- mmm. -1. Does not work.

Travis:          Well no, it worked out with that. The +1.

Sage:            Oh! You’re right.

Travis:          Yeah.

Sage:            In which case using Hidden Power: Confidence how would you like to approach the Pidgey, who is ready to fly away?

[A beat passes in silence. Slow footsteps tap on grass as Xander inches forward.]

Candace:          [quiet] Any- any moment now, Xander… You’re just staring at it… Xander, what the fuck are you doing?

[Grass rustles. Pidgey flaps its wings.]

[Calming music.]

Sage:            The Pidgey is enthralled by your Confidence and does not move and you grab it, and it breaks its leg.

[A sickening snap is heard. Pidgey screams.]

Xander:           Oh my god!

Candace:          Ugh, I can see the bone!

Skip:             Oh my god!

Sage:            But now it is resting and now it is just letting itself unto you. [stifles laughter]

[Music stops.]

Skip:             Dude. Not cool.

Xander:           Let’s just go. Okay?

Skip:             You should probably wash your hands.

Xander:           I- I’m gonna hold it.

Man:                Hey you kids!

Xander:           [frantic] I wasn’t- I- I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry! I—

Man:                What are you doing?

Xander:           [quiet] Uh…

Skip:             Who are you?

Mark:               Ugh. My name’s Mark.

Candace:          Hi, Mark. I’m Candace Carter.

Mark:               I’m guessing you guys—

Skip:             Whoa, whoa! [quiet, admonishing] Candace.

Mark:               Guessing you guys want- want samples or something. It’s why everybody comes here anyway.

Skip:             What is this? A Costco?

Mark:               No it’s Pok- I work at the Poké Mart in Viridian C- What’re you…

Skip:             Oh.

Candace:          Oh!

Xander:           What?

Skip:             That expl-

Candace:          Samples of what?

Xander:           We’re outside, dude.

Mark:               Yeah. This is my post.

Candace:          Okay, what do you have samples of?

Mark:               What’re you doing with that Pidgey?

Candace:          Oh, this Pidgey’s really hurt. We need to take it to a hospital.

Mark:               You mean a Pokémon Center? What’s a hospital?

Candace:          Yeah, sorry, a Pokémon Center.

Mark:               [quiet] Okay.

Candace:          That’s what I said.

Skip:             That’s a people center.

Xander:           That’s where people go. [amused] That’s where people go when they’re hurt.

Mark:               Man, it’s been a long time.

Xander:           [quiet] Alright.

Mark:               You don’t know how long I’ve been out here. How old are you kids?

Skip:             Thirteen?

Candace:          Um, what… You know, age is just a number. [nervous chuckle] I don’t know.

Skip:             [stifling laughter] You’re okay with telling strangers your name, but not your age?

Candace:          Um. Age is a sign of weakness.

Skip:             What’s your name?

Candace:          My name is Candace Carter. That is not a weakness. That’s a strength.

Skip:             No- Oh god. Never mind.

Mark:               Okay, well, I’m just gonna tell you what I’m supposed to tell you. [forced cheer] Pokémon Center’s great for Trainers. If you need anything like a Poké Ball to catch a Pokémon you go to the Pokémon Poké Mart.

Candace:          [quiet] Oh, okay.

[Mark burps]

Skip:             Bless you.

Xander:           Where is it?

Mark:               Uh, Viridian City.

Candace:          We’re on our way to Viridian City!

Mark:               [half-hearted] I’m guessing you guys want a free sample!

Skip:             Yeah.

Candace:          Yes!

Mark:               You guys want a- [quiet] Ah, fuck.

Skip:             We’ll take a free sample of a Poké Ball.

Xander:           Hey. Dude, can I—

Mark:               [irked] What?

Xander:           Like, we’re not asking for anything. You don’t have to—

Mark:               You ju- your two friends just did.

Xander:           Yeah, but that’s ’cause you asked if we wanted that—

Mark:               I’m supposed to ask!

Xander:           Oh.

Mark:               It’s my job.

Candace:          What do you want us to say?

Xander:           Dude, you’re, like, taking this out on us and it’s really—

Candace:          Yo, I’m gonna report—

Mark:               I’ve been out here for six years.

Xander:           Oh my…

Mark:               This has been my job.

Skip:             Do you want to live?

Mark:               What?

Xander:           What?

Skip:             I don’t know, you just—

Mark:               Are you threatening me, little boy?

Skip:             No.

Mark:               Is that a- is that a- is that a request for a battle?

Skip:             I’m checking to see if you’re threatening yourself.

Mark:               You little shit! I will battle you right now!

Skip:             [worried] Guys, let’s get out of here!

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, what the hell is happening?

[Trainer Battle music.]

Skip:             [Greg stifles laughter] Guys, let’s run!

Candace:          [yells] You’ve dug our grave, and now we have to live in it!

Xander:           [quiet] Oh god.

Candace:          Skip!

Xander:           Jesus Christ.

Candace:          What kind of Pokémon do you have, stupid old man?

Mark:               Go Magikarp!

[Magikarp exits its Poké Ball.]

Candace:          Go Vulpix!

Mark:               There’s already a Dratini here. We can’t do double battles in Kanto, it’s not allowed.

Skip:             Sorry.

Candace:          [dejected] Whatever.

Skip:             Dratini, Thunder Wave!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Mark:               Oh yeah, well that’s nothing against my Magikarp who’s gonna use Tackle. What are you doing, Magikarp?

[Wet smacking.]

Stop smacking your lips like that. Use tackle.

[Wet smacking.]

Ugh. It’s not doing anything.

Skip:             Dratini, Wrap him up!

[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard and Magikarp groans.]

Give ’em the squeeze.

Mark:               Ha! That was not very effective for some reason. Probably because my Magikarp’s level 10.

Skip:             Keep on squeezing!

[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard.]

Mark:               Hey, Magikarp, will you do something?

[Magikarp flops around.]

Magikarp. Magikarp. Magikarp!

Candace:          Oh my god, this is so boring.

Mark:               Magikarp!

[Magikarp grunts.]

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          This Magikarp suuuucks.

Mark:               Use something else besides Splash! There’s no water here, you can’t Splash!

[Magikarp grunts.]

That- you just threw up a little bead. That doesn’t—

Skip:             Dratini, let’s Wrap this up.

[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard.]

Mark:               You’re squeezing my Magikarp to death.

Candace:          Yeah, Dratini, go, go, go!

Mark:               Stop! Magikarp, do something.

[Wet smacking.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh, this is a joke. [laughs]

Skip:             Alright Dratini. Let’s mix things up. Wrap!

[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard once more.]

Mark:               No, no, no, no. Magikarp’s gonna die. I mean faint. Uh, same thing.

Skip:             Dratini, kill him. Wrap!

[Dratini trills and squeezes.]

Mark:               Hey, hey, hey! Uh, Magikarp, defend yourself!

[Magikarp groans. Dratini trills.]

[half-hearted] He’s still there. Still, like, splashing around. Oh. And he’s dead.

[Music stops.]

Candace:          [deadpan] Wow.

Skip:             Dratini… Keep on Wrappin’.

[Fast Rock music returns!]

[Dratini trills and squeezes.]

Xander:           [horrified] Dude, stop! It’s done. Let it go. Oh my god!

Mark:               Hey, stop! He’s bleeding! Magikarp! Alright, come back.

[Magikarp returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

[Music stops again.]

Candace:          Whoa. This just got—

Mark:               You know, I was gonna send out my Nidoran…male.

Skip:             But you- it looks like you’re the one who need to ran…away.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Mark:               That’s right.

Skip:             After we get some free samples.

Candace:          Before you- yeah. You gotta give us all your free samples. That’s your job.

Mark:               Okay. Here’s some Potions, and a Poké Ball for each of you.

[Items rustle.]

You happy?

Skip:             Cool dude.

Candace:          [gasps] Yay!

Skip:             Hey, um—

Xander:           What does this do?

Mark:               What? Which one?

Candace:          The Potion.

Xander:           The Potion. What does that mean?

Candace:          Do we each get a Potion?

Mark:               [irked] You little- You arrogant- You ironic—

Xander:           I- look, I’m- I’m sorry!

Mark:               You confident little—

Xander:           Never mind, fine. I didn’t say anything. Forget it.

Mark:               How- you- do you really have the nerve—

Xander:           I- I- no.

Mark:               You have the nerve—

Xander:           I don’t have any- I don’t- [mumbles] I don’t have much nerve.

Mark:               —to pretend I don’t know what my job is.

Xander:           I know what- you know. Y-you’re fine.

Candace:          What is up your butt?

Skip:             I’ll tell you what’s not up your butt.

[A pencil scrapes across paper. Skip lifts his artwork with a woosh.]

This picture of you I drew.

Mark:               What? Why?

Skip:             As sort of like a thank you for the Potions.

Candace:          Did you just draw that right now?

Skip:             Yeah.

Mark:               [burps] Thanks.

[He takes the paper from Skip.]

Skip:             Bless you.

Candace:          [quiet] Uh, so what does the Potion do?

Mark:               [calm] Uh, Potions heal your Pokémon. And—

Candace:          Do we each get a Potion?

Mark:               Yeah.

Candace:          Sweet.

Mark:               And, uh, Poké Balls catch Pokémon. I’m gonna go lie down.

[His footsteps fade away on the grass.]

Candace:          Well, Mark, it was nice to meet you.

[Misadventure music.]

Travis:          I look at the Poké Ball, then look at the Pidgey in my hand, and I slowly just [amused] touch the Pidgey with the Poké Ball. What happens?

Sage:            [stifles laughter] You have to roll a d100—

Travis:          Jesus Christ.

Sage:            —and we consort the table of catching.

Travis:          Alright.

Sage:            So it’s a regular Poké Ball.

Travis:          Yup.

Sage:            Its health is below 25%.

Travis:          M’kay.

Sage:            It is a lower level than you. Do you have any bonuses toward Normal-types?

Travis:          No.

Sage:            Flying-types?

Travis:          No.

Sage:            Then you only get -20. Which is a good thing. So, roll.

Travis:          Here we go.

[Dice roll on table.]

24!

Sage:            24-20 is 4, which is under the mark.

Travis:          So I just—

Sage:            You catch the Pidgey!

Travis:          So I just push the ball against the Pidgey, the Pidgey turns into a laser beam, and then goes inside the ball?

Sage:            Correct.

Travis:          Okay, I’m freaking the fuck out. [chuckle]

[Successful capture chime. Victorious Pokemon-Caught music.]

Skip:             Good job, man!

Xander:           [yells] What did I just do?

Candace:          Xander, have you never watched anything on the television about, like, being a Pokémon trainer or, like, seeing Pokémon battles?

Xander:           [quiet] We don’t have a television.

Skip:             You’re already a better trainer than both of us.

Candace:          [quiet] Um, well, I mean. Without our help he wouldn’t have been able to do it so. I mean, we’re a team, remember?

Xander:           So is it—

Skip:             We are.

Candace:          He’s not better than us.

Xander:           So is it oka- is it- is it just okay in there? Just fine?

Candace:          Yeah, it’s fine.

Xander:           It can just live in there?

Candace:          Kinda like a genie in a magic lamp.

Xander:           Whoa.

[Music ends. Pencil scrapes on paper.]

Skip:             Here. Check out this cool little sketch.

[Skip lifts his art with a woosh.]

That’s what it looks like.

Xander:           Insi- there’s just…like, a palm tree and a couch.

Skip:             Yeah, I got a little, um, I tried to make it look comfy.

Xander:           Alright.

Sage:            And our Trainers move on to Viridian City.

Candace:          Whoo!

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Radio switches on. Upbeat music throughout.]

Candace:      Hi there! It’s Candace Carter. The Candace Carter. Well, I’m just here to let you know that I have a Twitter if you didn’t already know. Um, it’s getting a pretty great following so you better catch on that before the hype train starts to begin so you can be cool and follow me first. So if you wanna follow me, my Twitter handle is @CandyCarterWins

Candy spelled like the candy. Like the treat. Because I’m a treat in your life. ’Kay. Thanks. See ya!

[Radio switches channels.]

Skip:             Hey what’s up, it’s Skip Svitak. Follow me on Twitter because I’ll show you the world of Pokémon through the eyes of a true adventurer. Check me out @XxSKIPBOARDERxX

Peace!

[Radio switches channels.]

Xander:          Hey, it’s Xander. If you want, you can follow me on Twitter @Xandersucks_ That’s X-A-N-D-E-R sucks…underscore.

Okay.

[Radio turns off.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Butterfree!

 [Butterfree cry.]

Viridian City Emergency! - Part II

[Viridian City music.]

Sage:            They arrive and there’s this old man who’s looking really grumpy.

[The trio walk down the pavement, passing a rambling old man.]

Old Man:         [yells] Coffee! Who the hell has some coffee for dear old Max Markle? The- the- the Max Markle of the famous war. Of the Pokémon wars. Max Markle. I’m a Viri-Viridian City hero!

Xander:           Guys. Guys let’s just keep walking. Let’s keep walking.

Old Man:         Hey, hey, hey!

Xander:           Ah, ahhh! [nervous chuckle] Let go!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Let’s roll to see if Xander can get away [stifles laughter] from the old man unnoticed. That’s gonna be Swiftness.

Travis:          Fuck.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Hey!

Jessica:          Ooo.

Sage:            Nice! It is a critical! The old man turns over and there is nobody there.

Old Man:         Okay, well I’m just gonna say this to the ether then. Bugs in Viridian Forest! Viridian Forest everywhere. Just give me some Irish coffee.

Candace:          Gosh.

Xander:           [quiet] Guys, that’s—

Candace:          Viridian City has really gone to the—

Skip:             Let’s get to that Poké Center. Or Poké Mart?

Xander:           That’s insane.

Skip:             Let’s get to the Poké Mart.

Candace:          Poké Mart!

Sage:            You arrive at the Poké Mart but you look behind you and the old man is still following you.

Xander:           Oh my god.

Old Man:         [crazy mumbling] Hey, where do you think you’re going? I see where you’re going.

Candace:          This is so creepy.

[Music becomes suspenseful.]

Xander:           We gotta call the police or something.

Old Man:         Guess what? I know what you are.

Candace:          Well, guess what? [aggressive] I have a lighter.

[Lighter flicks on.]

Skip:             Hey, guy! Back up!

Old Man:         You’re Pokémon trainers, aren’t you? [crazy chuckle]

Skip:             How’d you know?

Old Man:         I could see that glimmer of shininess in your pocket. You got a Pokédex.

Skip:             Yeah, what’s it to you?

Old Man:         Guess what?

Candace:          [aggressive] What?

Old Man:         You’re all looking for them Gym Badges, right? I know you are.

Xander:           I have no idea what you’re talking about. Please go away.

Old Man:         Well this Gym- this Gym here? Locked up!

Candace:          Lo- the Gym is—

Old Man:         The Gym’s locked up.

Candace:          Like, it’s in jail or it’s closed?

Xander:           Isn’t that- isn’t—

Old Man:         [calmly explains to the stupid child] It’s locked. The door is locked.

Xander:           Isn’t that your aunt’s Gym?

Candace:          Excuse me? My name is Candace Carter, and my aunt is Clair Carter.

Old Man:         Clair Carter?

Candace:          Yes. Clair Carter.

Old Man:         The Clair Carter?

Candace:          The Clair Carter!

Old Man:         Holy shit!

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          That’s right. So what are you saying about her Gym?

Old Man:         Yeah, she left a while ago to go on vacation.

Sage:            The old man walks over to the Gym and it’s locked up.

[Old Man rattles the doorknob.]

Old Man:         See? See?

Candace:          What?

Sage:            There’s a little sign on the door, says, “Gone Fishin’! -Clair Carter”.

Candace:          Clair jus- Aunt Clair does not fish. This seems fishy!

[Music fades out. A beat passes.]

Old Man:         Listen kids.

Skip:             Oh, Jesus!

[Stifled laughter.]

Old Man:         If y’all wanna be Poké masters you gotta go to the nearest Gym other than the Gym you’re standing in front of, and that’s in Pewter City way the fuck past Viridian Forest, okay?

Candace:          Wait, but where’s my aunt?

Old Man:         Man, Route 19!

Candace:          What does that even mean?

Sage:            And then some Little Shit comes running in.

[Rival entry music.]

Candace:          Ah god, it’s this little shit.

[Running footsteps on the pavement come closer.]

Little Shit Zach:     Uncle Blue, Uncle Blue! Hey, Uncle Blue! I’m gonna battle you! Or just train- hey, who… Aw, it’s you nerds.

Xander:           [quiet] Hey.

Candace:          Hi. Little shithead.

Little Shit Zach:     What are you doing here?

Old Man:         Hey.

Little Shit Zach:     You tryin’ to challenge my uncle?

Xander:           You’re not—

Candace:          Um, ha, joke’s on you. The freaking Gym Leader of this Gym is my aunt!

Little Shit Zach:     What?

Candace:          Aunt Clair.

Little Shit Zach:     No, the Gym Leader’s Blue!

Candace:          Uh, sucks for you. Read the sign, bucko. You little shithead.

Old Man:         Everyone knows the Viridian City Gym has been going through a roulette of Gym Leaders for the past year. This whole city’s in chaos. We don’t know who’s running what here, okay?

Travis:          We cut to a very peaceful city with literally nothing happening.

[Laughter.]

Old Man:         I’m the most adult member here. I don’t know—

Skip:             Yeah—

Candace:          My Aunt Clair has been the Gym Leader here forever.

Little Shit Zach:     Ever?

Skip:             And that’s- that’s Clair, not Klara as in your [hopeful] ex-girlfriend?

Little Shit Zach:     Don’t worry about Klara, you…

Skip:             Good!

Little Shit Zach:     Whatever you are.

Skip:             Are you worrying about her?

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah!

Skip:             Is she in danger?

Little Shit Zach:     No.

Skip:             Okay.

Little Shit Zach:     She’s just in Pallet Town. Hey, Old Man!

[Awkward beat.]

Old Man:         What?

[Laughter.]

Sorry, I was takin’ a leak behind this tree.

[Laughter.]

Little Shit Zach:     Gross!

Old Man:         I didn’t know you were talking to me.

Little Shit Zach:     Look, just where’s my Uncle Blue?

Old Man:         Man, Blue? You talking about the former Gym Leader?

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah!

Candace:          Ha! Former, shithead!

Skip:             As in dead.

Xander:           [quiet] Wow…

Old Man:         I heard he went up to Mt. Silver for a little peace and quiet.

[Suspenseful music.]

But he probably might come back in three years.

Little Shit Zach:     [quiet] That’s where Red usually trains.

Old Man:         Yeah.

Little Shit Zach:     [quiet] He’s going to fight Red again.

Old Man:         Maybe.

Little Shit Zach:     [quiet] I gotta- I gotta help him. He’s gotta- I gotta hel- I’m gonna help him. I’m gonna—

Old Man:         What?

Little Shit Zach:     Shut up!

Old Man:         Okay.

Little Shit Zach:     Nerds!

Candace:          Like you’d be much help.

Little Shit Zach:     Uh, as my uncle would say, smell ya later!

[Rival exit music. Rapid footsteps fade as Zach runs off.]

Old Man:         You got that Oak DNA in ya.

Sage:            He runs off towards Viridian Forest.

Greg:          With toilet paper on his foot.

Sage:            And you see…

[Stifled laughter.]

Uh, you see as he runs out of the city—’cause you guys are kind of near the perimeter—there’s a couple of trees in the way where the path just kind of stops. And then he lets out a Pokémon—you don’t know what Pokémon it is—Cuts the tree down, and then just keeps on going. But then the tree very quickly just grows right back.

Xander:           You guys see that?

Candace:          Whoa.

Skip:             Alright. Let’s go to the Pokémon Center.

Candace:          Nuh- wha- but the tree just grew- wait.

Skip:             Hey, we have a Pidgey that is dying.

Candace:          Oh, right. It’s bleeding all over you, Xander.

Xander:           It’s in a Poké Ball, what are you—

Skip:             It’s bleeding all over your Poké Ball.

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Look at the blood leaking out the Poké Ball.

Candace:          It’s leaking all out of the Poké Ball.

Xander:           You guys- alright old guy, thanks for all the things you said. Okay.

Skip:             Hey, wait. Uh, which way to the Pokémon Center?

Old Man:         Talking to me?

Skip:             Yeah.

Old Man:         It’s the big building with the giant Poké Ball illuminescent on it.

Skip:             Oh! Oh. Duh.

Old Man:         It says “POKÉMON CENTER” in giant letters.

Skip:             Yeah, I—

Candace:          Okay guys, let’s goooo!

Old Man:         Just gonna stand in my post.

[The trio hurry down the road.]

Sage:            And you go to the Pokémon Center.

[Poké Center music. Automated door opens.]

Skip:             Whoa.

Candace:          It’s so clean and white in here.

Skip:             Guys, [awed] I think I’m in love.

Candace:          With who, Klara?

Skip:             Who?

Candace:          [irked] Klara. The chick you keep talking about and you, like, talking shit to Shithead.

Xander:           Nah, he’s- he’s lookin’ at the girl at the front desk. Who is—

Skip:             I only have eyes for that pink-haired angel.

Candace:          Oh, you mean Joy?

Skip:             [hopeful] You know her?

Candace:          Everybody knows Joy. There’s so many Joy’s.

Skip:             Do you know what- do you know if she’s into 13-year-olds?

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Uh, probs not.

Sage:            You look over. Nurse Joy, looking great, sitting at the counter, just straight-faced doing her job.

Skip:             Hi.

Xander:           Hi.

Candace:          Hi, Nurse Joy!

Skip:             My name is Skip.

Nurse Joy:           Welcome to our Pokémon Center! We heal your Pokémon back to perfect health! Shall we heal your Pokémon?

Skip:             What’s your name?

Candace:          Her name is Joy. I just told you.

[Candace punches Skip.]

Listen!

Skip:             I’m trying to get a conversation going.

Xander:           [quiet] I’m just gonna get in line behind you guys.

Skip:             How are you?

Nurse Joy:           Okay. We’ll need your Pokémon.

Skip:             Oh, that’s so clever.

Candace:          She’s just doing her job, okay? Let’s just hand her the Pidgey and get outta here.

Skip:             Xander.

Xander:           Oh, I was standing in line behind you. Do you wanna go first? Or—

Skip:             No, go ahead.

Xander:           Oh.

Candace:          We’re all together, we’re a team.

Xander:           Well, they can only do one at a time.

Candace:          What?

Sage:            Nurse Joy takes your Poké Balls and puts them on the little machine.

Xander:           Oh, wow.

[Restoration machine beeps, swooshes, and beeps again.]

Nurse Joy:           Thank you! Your Pokémon are fighting fit! We hope to see you again!

[Backpack zips shut.]

Xander:           [quiet] She is just staring directly forward.

Candace:          She didn’t even blink.

Skip:             She’s so beautiful.

Candace:          What’s your type, man?

Skip:             Dragon.

[Beat.]

Nurse Joy:           Welcome to our Pokémon Center! We heal your Pokémon back to perfect health! Shall we heal your Pokémon?

Travis:          We cut to the Poké Mart! [chuckles]

[The three walk down the sidewalk toward the Poké Mart.]

Candace:          You guys notice that, like, a lot of the people that we’ve learned about in Pokémon history that like hel- Like Professor Oak and now Nurse Joy—

Xander:           They’re all- their names are all primary colors?

Candace:          Professor Oak and Joy?

Xander:           Oh. Never mind.

[Stifled laughter.]

Skip:             What color is Joy? [chuckles]

Candace:          No. But they’re, like—

Xander:           I thought you were talking about the other guys.

Candace:          —they’re creepy AF, man.

Xander:           Yeah I think, like, Pokémon training is kinda really weird, you guys.

Candace:          [quiet] No but like, I really- she’s like a robot.

[Door slides open. Bell chimes.]

Skip:             She’s probably not into me.

Candace:          [annoyed] Probably not.

Skip:             You’re right. I should move on.

[Door slides shut behind them.]

Clerk:         Welcome to the Poké Mart! Uh, you need anything?

Xander:           What do you have?

Clerk:         Poké Balls, Potions. That’s about it.

Skip:             Poké Balls. How much are Poké Balls running?

Clerk:         About ₽100 a piece.

[Everyone groans.]

Skip:             Okay.

Candace:          I don’t even have that much.

Xander:           Oh man.

Skip:             Do you have anything in a discount? Like a used Poké Ball?

Clerk:         Oh, we actually- we offer free samples if you wanna go find our man, Mark.

[Stifled laughter.]

Clerk:         He’s on Route 1.

Candace:          Oh, right.

Skip:             Ooo, oh! I have a complaint to file.

Candace:          Question!

Xander:           [loud] No, uh, we’re fine! Ugh.

Skip:             I have a ver- I have a complaint.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, no.

Skip:             I- I know a very powerful lawyer, and we will sue this company. We were attacked—

Candace:          By a “powerful lawyer” are you talking about my mom?

Skip:             [whispers] Come on go with it, we’re a team.

Candace:          [whispers] Fine.

Skip:             Uh, we were attacked—

[Xander coughs.]

—by this so called Mark on our way here.

Candace:          Yeah he, like, pinned us to the ground and spit in our faces. That happened.

Clerk:         [unfazed] Okay, what if I just gave you some free coffee? Free coffee good?

Candace:          Um, no—

Old Man:         [yells] Coffee?

Xander:           Oh god!

Candace:          I will- This lawyer- this lawyer, my—

Xander:           Have you been following us this whole time?

Skip:             Wait, you’re not my- where’d my backpack go?

Old Man:         Man!

Skip:             He was my backpack this whole time!

Old Man:         I’ll take some of that Hooch brand coffee if you know what I mean. [laughs]

Clerk:         Uh, well I, uh- I mean if they say it’s okay to have their coffee. It was kind of for them, sir.

Old Man:         I’m their guardian. [David stifles laughter]

[Cheerful Viridian City music begins.]

Candace:          No, um, ’scuse me. I don’t think you’re understanding the intensity of this interaction we had with your Mark. He was very offensive. Um, anyway, I’m just tryin’a say I will bring my mother. She is cold-blooded. She will sue and tear this place apart if you don’t give us a discount on Poké Balls right now!

[Music stops.]

Clerk:         Uh, well, uh. Free coffee is what we can offer.

Skip:             F this town.

Xander:           [quiet] I’ll take it.

Candace:          [aggressive] I’ll take your free coffee and I’ll get my mom to sick you!

Xander:           [quiet] Sure.

[Cheerful Viridian City music resumes. Birds chirp in the background. A beat passes before sipping is heard.]

Sage:            In the park right outside of Viridian City, the old man’s there drinking coffee, still bothering our trainers.

Old Man:         See there was a time—

Skip:             Hey, old man, do you know how to cut down these trees?

Old Man:         —back in the Edo Period- what? Yeah.

Skip:             Okay.

Old Man:         You gotta have Cut.

Skip:             Oh, sweet. Thank you.

Old Man:         HM01.

Xander:           What? What’s in- what’s that?

Old Man:         [enunciates] Hidden Machine One.

Xander:           [quiet] Okay this guy’s obviously fucking gone. He’s on something.

Old Man:         Yeah, I think it’s in Vermilion. It’s been a while.

Xander:           This guy’s talking like the inside of a Pink Floyd record sleeve. I don’t get any of this.

Old Man:         See, here’s the thing, though. If there’s three birds, how the hell’s there three dogs? That’s just what I wanna know.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          What are you talking about?

Old Man:         Then there’s the other two birds, one is flying up top, and the other’s down below in the water. And then who knows about that cat that’s pink and flies around all the time.

[David stifles laughter.]

Candace:          A cat that’s pink and flies around? [gasps]

Xander:           This guy’s out of his fucking mind.

Sage:            Can somebody roll me Intelligence? Or Smarts, is what I mean to say.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

Greg:          Nope.

[Failure chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Cheering.]

Sage:            Alright. Candace gets the critical.

Jessica:          Yeah!

Sage:            She looks at the belt of this old man. He has one Poké Ball and a little disk holder.

Old Man:         It’s a Walkman.

[Laughter.]

Sage:            And she remembers learning on the TV about HMs, Hidden Machines, how they run on disks.

[Misadventure music.]

Candace:          Um, ’scuse me?

Old Man:         Max Markle.

Candace:          Max Markle. Um, I notice that you have a very interesting, um, device on your belt next to one of your Poké Balls.

Old Man:         Oh, kid! I don’t go that young! I’m sorry.

Candace:          Gross! Um, excuse me, sir.

Old Man:         Yeah?

Candace:          I’m talking about your Hidden Machine.

Old Man:         [nervous laugh] Again, kid—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—I don’t want any part of- you are entrapping me. Police!

Candace:          That thing with the disks!

Xander:           What? The- the Walkman-looking thing?

Candace:          Yes! The Walkman-looking thing!

Old Man:         Oh! Ohhh!

Candace:          Not your freaking hidden thing, you gross old man!

Old Man:         Hey, you’re the one hittin’ on me kid.

Candace:          I was not! I’m asking you about- I will…

[Jessica takes a deep breath and fights back laughter.]

I will get the police over here if you don’t tell me what’s going on.

Old Man:         Wanna learn how to learn to catch a Pokémon?

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Um...

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace, let’s check for Charisma.

Jessica:          [quiet] Oh, fuck. [normal] Just so everybody knows. I have a -1 in Charisma. Not a lot of people like me.

[Dice roll on table.]

Travis:          I wonder why.

Jessica:          But…

[Hidden Power chime.]

Sage:            Alright. It’s a blank. So Candace can call upon her Hidden Power. [stifles laughter] Which is…

Jessica:          [snicker] Brawn. [chuckle]

[Misadventure music.]

Candace:          [she-hulk voice] I will tackle you!

Old Man:         By what Pokémon’s wi—

Skip:             Candace, Tackle!

Old Man:         Whoa!

[Candace roars and tackles him. The Old Man grunts as he hits the ground. Slaps are heard as Candace beats him up.]

Candace:          Listen to me! You better—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           [frantic] Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Candace:          Tell me!

[Jessica chuckles.]

Skip:             Should we grab things off his belt, Candace?

Candace:          Go, go!

[Jessica chuckles.]

Travis:          I take out my Potion and start squirting it on the back of his- on his head.

Old Man:         Oh. Oh, that feels so good.

Travis:          Trying to help. Does that help?

Sage:            That-

[Stat test chime.]

Let- uh, roll for Effectiveness.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

It’s keeping him alive but it’s not great.

[Travis laughs.]

Candace:          [she-hulk voice] I will end you!

Xander:           Candace!

Old Man:         [tearful] Do you want this?

[The disk holder rustles as the Old Man hands it over.]

Here.

Skip:             I got his Walkman!

Candace:          Yes! Give it to me! That’s your Walkman.

Old Man:         [tearful] Please, please!

[The Old Man’s voice fades as he runs down the street.]

Officer Jenny, Officer Jenny!

Sage:            He runs off into Viridian City and our trainers realize, uh oh.

[Police sirens wail and the Pokémon Main Theme starts.]

Candace:          Oh. Shypers.

Xander:           [frantic] Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! Run, run, run! Go, go, go, go!

Jessica:          I have all his stuff, right?

Sage:            Right, but you have to teach your Pokémon Cut before you can use it.

Xander:           Shit.

Jessica:          I have to what?

Xander:           Get out the thing. Get out- get out your fox! Get out your fox!

Candace:          Uh, Vulpix, get out!

[Vulpix exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Sage:            [stifles laughter] You all- you all, like, let your Pokémon out at once and you just keep putting the CD on all of their heads—

[Multiple whooshes are heard as every Pokemon exits their Poké Balls. Mudkip cries out. The disk holder clatters.]

Xander:           Where’s the fucking ROM on this thing?

[Disk holder clatters again. Pidgey chirps.]

Narrator:         But unfortunately, none of our trainers’ Pokémon could learn the HM Cut. As the police draw closer to the edge of town they can’t help but fear. Is the journey ending so soon? Before the first Gym? Will they ever find a Pokémon who can Cut down trees? Or is there perhaps another way into Viridian Forest? There’s only one way to find out. Tune in next week to POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version!

[Episode End music.]

Credits

[Episode End music throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David McEuen, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

Sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Special Thanks

Sage:            Hello again! Sage here.

Thanks for continuing the Kanto adventure with us. Quick pro tip, the disclaimer and intro stamp at the beginning, I made it exactly 30 seconds. So since most podcasting apps have a skip 15 or 10-second button, if you don’t want to hear it over and over again, just tap that button twice. Or three times. You can do the math.

If you have a Twitter, Facebook, Instagram we would love for you to connect with us, please stay in touch. It is really integral for the growth of the show.

Also don’t forget we have a Patreon if you like what you heard and you wanna show some support. $1 gets you a shout-out on the show and $3 gets you an Adventure Pass. More on that at patreon.com/20sidedstories.

For $0 though, you can hit the subscribe button wherever you’re listening or simply share this episode with a Pokémon fan or close friend you know who you think would get a laugh out of it. It really helps more than you’d think.

And of course, a very special thanks to Chad Ellis, Kadet Kuhne, and our Patreon producers.

Alright. That’s it for now. Keep catchin’ ’em all, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story, which is next Wednesday by the way. This updates weekly. Thanks for listening. Later!

[Pokémon Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]

#3 - From Viridian Forest to Mt. Moon

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 3 - From Viridian City to Mt. Moon

Air Date: August 14, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Police sirens wail. Birds chirp in the background.]

Narrator:         Hours have passed, and while our trainers were able to temporarily hide from law enforcement, they still don't have a way through the dense trees of Viridian Forest.

[Sirens stop. Misadventure music.]

Candace:          [quiet, groaning] Oh my god.

Xander:           This is fucking ridiculous.

[Beat.]

Well, I don't think the cops are coming.

Skip:             No, I think we're good.

Candace:          What are we going to do?

Xander:           I’ve had a s- I've had a deep sense of panic up until right this moment.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Skip:             I'm going to try to squeeze through guys. [groans] Eeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Swiftness.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Mmm. You, uh, you hurt. You get a couple of splint—

[Laughter.]

You get a couple of splinters—

Travis:          [mocking] You hurt.

Sage:            —uh, Skip.

Skip:             Ow.

Candace:          What are- what are you doing?

Skip:             I was trying to squeeze past the tree.

Candace:          Here let me try.

[Stat test chime.]

Greg:          Make the squeeze sound. [chuckle]

[Everyone chuckles.]

Candace:          [groans] Eeeiiiioooooooooooooouuuugggggggggghhhhhhh.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Oh no, Candace!

Jessica:          But I do have a +1.

Sage:            Okay so it's not critical, but Candace still gets kinda trapped for a sec’ and can't move and gets a couple splinters when she gets herself out.

Candace:          Ow!

Skip:             I got you. [grunts]

Candace:          [irked] Fudge. Ugh. Gross.

Xander:           This can't be the only way out of town, right? This got- is- is there anything else we can do? Can we go anywhere—

Skip:             An axe! We can cut down the tree.

Xander:           What?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Somebody roll me Wisdom.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Um. Alright. Xander looks around. Grass is weak to Fire. Trees burn down.

Xander:           Hey. Hey, Candace.

Candace:          Yeah?

Xander:           Get your Vulpix out. Is it already out? Where is it?

Candace:          It's in my Poké Ball. Why?

Xander:           I have an idea.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 3 - From Viridian Forest to Mt. Moon

[Suspenseful music.]

Candace:          I- I have a lighter.

Xander:           Yeah, but [scoffs] your Vulpix literally spits balls of fire. [chuckles]

Candace:          I really just feel uncomfortable making her do things like that but, yes, I’ll- I’ll- [reluctant] Vulpix, go.

[Vulpix exits its Poké Ball with a cry.]

[Stat test chime.]

[adoring] You’re so cute!

Sage:            You’re using Ember, so just roll one.

Jessica:          Alright! Just roll one of these?

Sage:            Yup.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh.]

Xander:           That's a start.

Candace:          [groans] Should I just...

Sage:            And then it spreads a little bit.

Xander:           Do it- do it again.

[Stat test chime.]

Skip:             Oh, oh! Uh, use your Mudkip to spray down the trees next to it, as to prevent them from catching.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

Sage:            It's spreading a little bit faster.

Skip:             [concerned] Hurry.

Xander:           [calming] No, no, no we got this. We got this. Just gotta- we gotta wait this out.

Sage:            And then other trees start catching on fire.

Skip:             [frantic] Dude, dude, dude, dude!

Xander:           [calm] I g- I know. Alright, Mudkip.

[Mudkip exits its Poké Ball.]

Mudkip:        Mud!

Xander:           You ready?

Mudkip:        [coughs] Kip.

Xander:           Alright. That- that tree to the left of the one that’s on- the most on fire, use- use Water Gun.

[Stat test chime.]

[Mudkip gathers water in his mouth.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Alright, it's not very effective.

[Water splashes.]

It seems to be dampening the trees, but it's not going down.

Xander:           Uh-oh. Use it again.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

[Mudkip sprays more water.]

Sage:            Alright, that tree seemed to stop burning. However, you look to your left and most of the forest has started to burn on fire.

[Slow, danger-warning music.]

Mudkip:        Mud!

Xander:           [anxious] Guys the forest is burning on fire.

Skip:             [frantic] Dude, dude, dude, dude!

Xander:           Oh my god!

Skip:             Dude, dude, dude!

Xander:           I didn't even- I didn't know!

Skip:             Put it out!

Xander:           But—

Sage:            A Bug Catcher runs out of the forest, screaming.

Boy:           Whoa! Ahah! Yah! Ehn, no! Wh-whoa, what’s- what’s going on?

Skip:             [calm] Oh, interesting outfit man.

Boy:           Thanks. Uh, why is the forest on fire?

Skip:             Hey, do you have any Water-types?

Boy:           Uh, no. I'm a Bug Catcher.

Skip:             Oh good. Then keep complaining and [irked] stop helping.

Xander:           [frantic] Mudkip, use Water Gun!

[Water splashes.]

Boy:           You're a jerk. Hey, don't spray me! Oh, you're spraying the trees. That's very smart of you. Uh, Metapod, go!

Xander:           Keep Water Gunning!

[Water splashes.]

Boy:           Metapod, use…Harden!

[Harden chimes.]

Xander:           What are you doing?

Skip:             He’s- he’s hardening.

[Beat.]

Mudkip:        Mud.

[Water splashes multiple times.]

Sage:            So Mudkip is trying his hardest to use the Water Gun as effectively as possible to save Viridian Forest from burning down—

Xander:           [nervous] Ah, come on, Muddy. You can do this!

Sage:            —and it's not going too well. But a path of fire has cleared some trees, and you could get through the forest.

Candace:          [worried] Come on, let's just get out of here!

Skip:             Hey, Bug Catcher guy.

Boy:           [oblivious] What?

Skip:             [irked] Go get the fire department!

Boy:           The fire department?

Skip:             Yeah. Okay, let's go see if there's anybody who needs to be rescued in the fiery forest guys.

Candace:          Yeah! Let's go be—

Boy:           You wanna be the rescue team?

Candace:          Yes.

Skip:             You go get the fire- fire…

Doug:              Oh, but I, uh, wa- I’m, uh, my name is Doug and- do you guys wanna battle?

[Music stops. Beat.]

Candace:          No—

Skip:             Bye!

Xander:           [yells] Doug!

[Rustling is heard as Xander grabs Doug.]

Doug:              Ow!

Xander:           Doug!

Doug:              What?

Xander:           Come here.

Doug:              AH!

[Danger-warning music resumes.]

Xander:           [yells] Go get anyone! Go get help!

Doug:              Officer- Officer Jenny?

Xander:           Do it! Yes!

Doug:              Okay.

Xander:           I don't care! Go do it!

Doug:              Okay.

Xander:           That’s your only job! Do it now!

Doug:              I'll tell her you burn the forest down and that you said—

Candace:          Nooo, no! That was not us!

Xander:           Dude! No! We didn’t do it!

Doug:              I'm going! I'm gonna go now.

Candace:          We are—

Doug:              I’m gonna go!

Candace:          [yells] Hey, hey, hey, no!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Brawn.

Jessica:          [she-hulk voice] I'm rolling for Bra- [normal] How many?

Sage:            Uh, the- the rev- tha- That’s two. It’s two.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

[Candace roars.]

Critical Hit.

Skip:             Candace, attack!

Sage:            Throws him to the ground and his head is bleeding a little again.

[Candace slaps Doug a few times.]

Xander:           [horrified] You did it again! You can't keep doing this. Oh my god!

Candace:          [she-hulk voice] I'm helping us! Doug.

[Doug moans in pain and fear.]

Listen to me. We are the saviors of the forest.

Doug:              [crying] Metapod, use Tackle.

Skip:             Dratini—

Xander:           On her? On a person?

Skip:             Dratini, Block!

[Dratini trills.]

Doug:              Oh, are we battling?

Skip:             Yeah!

[Trainer Battle music.]

Doug:              Yeah, you piece of shit. I'm gonna battle you!

Xander:           Shhhit.

Candace:          Dammit!

Doug:              [crying] Ow, my head!

Skip:             Thunder Wave!

[Thunder Wave zaps.]

Doug:              Oh my god. You have a Dratini?

Skip:             Thunder Wave!

[Thunder Wave zaps.]

Doug:              No, wait! Metapod, come back!

[Metapod returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Okay, go Weedle.

[Weedle exits its Poké Ball.]

Skip:             Thunder Wave!

Doug:              Hey!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Uh, Weedle, use Bug Bite.

[Chomp!]

Ha! It's a little effective ’cause-

[Paralyze zings.]

Oh no, Weedle’s Paralyzed.

Candace:          Ha!

Skip:             Dratini, Wrap it up.

[Dratini trills. Squeezing is heard as Dratini constricts.]

Doug:              Oh no, oh no, oh no. Oh no. Uh, use Bug Bite again, Weedle.

[Chomp!]

Oh no, he's wrapped up. What’re you guys doin’ there?

Skip:             Alright, Dratini, time to end it. Wrap it up.

[Dratini trills.]

Doug:              Stop saying that! It was only funny the first time.

Skip:             Alright Dratini, let’s finish him off. Wrap it up!

[Dratini trills throughout.]

Doug:              I hate you! Weedle, keep using Bug Bite.

[Chomp!]

Shu- Tell your Dratini to shut the fuck up! It's so annoying!

Skip:             Shh. Dratini, you're doing great.

[Dratini trills happily and continues squeezing.]

Except this time, Wrap!

Doug:              Stop it. Shut up! Your Dratini is so annoying! Weedle use Bug Bite!

[Chomp! Music stops. Dratini falls silent and a slow-motion fall is heard.]

Sage:            It's super effective—

[Greg gasps.]

—for some reason and the Dratini faints.

[Dratini moans weakly.]

Skip:             Dratini!

[Dratini faints with a thud. Fire roars in the background.]

Doug:              Ha! That's right! You got any other loser Pokémon? Oh shit.

Xander:           Um—

Doug:              Viridian Forest is on fire.

Xander:           Yeah, the forest is on fire at this point, right? Like, fully on fire?

Doug:              Okay, uh, uh, let's just deal with this later. Uh…

Candace:          Yeah, no shit. Hey!

Doug:              I know a secret path through the forest if you just wanna follow me.

Candace:          Oh.

Xander:           Yeah, okay.

Candace:          I don't trust this dude. He doesn't know where he's going.

Doug:              Alright the forest is on fire.

Skip:             But the path is clear, right?

Doug:              Yeah, we can walk through.

Skip:             Alright. Well let's- let’s go.

[Suspenseful music starts; Viridian Forest Theme]

Doug:              Gonna finish [small burp] this battle later.

Candace:          [amused scoff] Did you just burp?

Doug:              [Sage stifles laughter] Shut your fucking mouth.

Skip:             Hey, don't talk to my friend like that. Candace!

Candace:          Hey, I almost broke your skull in.

Skip:             I could attack you with her.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Music continues. Footsteps crunch on dirt as the group travels through the forest.]

Mudkip:        Mud. [coughs] Kip.

Xander:           [sad] You did great.

Doug:              So are you guys trying to, uh, beat the Gym Leaders?

Skip:             Yeah.

Doug:              How- what about Viwidian Gym? Did you get the Gym Badge from dat one?

Candace:          No. My aunt, who is the Gym Leader there, has gone fishing.

Doug:              Oh is that- is that, uh, Clair?

Candace:          Yup.

Doug:              Mmm. Yeah I heard she took over for Blue when Blue left.

Candace:          Yes.

Doug:              I twied to fight her and I lost.

Candace:          That doesn't surprise me. At all.

Doug:              What do you mean it doesn't su’pwise you?

Candace:          Well, you're a little shithead like another shithead I know.

Doug:              Hey.

Candace:          And my aunt is amazing. She gave me my Vulpix.

Doug:              I’m a Bug Trainer Doug. Can't call me dat.

Candace:          Yeah, you train bugs.

Doug:              Yeah, ’cause Bug-type are cool and uh… [quiet] shut up.

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

Skip:             Hey. Hey, man. Did you wanna finish that battle?

[Beat.]

Doug:              You know what? Yeah. Yeah, we’re outta the forest fire. You guys wanna get to Pewter Forest- Pewter City. Is that where tryin’a go?

Candace:          I guess so.

Doug:              You're gonna have to get through me.

Skip:             Dratini, Thunder Wave!

Doug:              Your Dratini’s fainted, you idiot.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             [quiet] Oh. Dratini wake up.

[Dratini trills weakly.]

[Beat.]

Doug:              So are one of you two nerds gonna fight me or what? I mean—

Xander:           Do you wanna go or am I supposed to go? I don't know.

Candace:          [chuckles] I think you're supposed to go. Vulpix was already—

Xander:           Me?

Candace:          Yeah. Wait, what- what- what d’you have?

Xander:           He had a Weedle.

Skip:             Burn. That. Bug.

Candace:          Yeah. Burn him. Me burn him?

[Greg stifles laughter.]

I'm talkin’ to myself.

Doug:              [irked] Are you gonna fight me or what? What are you doing standing there talking?

Candace:          Vulpix, go!

Xander:           Look, man.

Skip:             I’ll fight you.

[Vulpix exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Doug:              Oh no, that's a Fire-type. That's not good. Alright, Metapod, this time is your time to shine, alright? You might be weak against a Dratini, but you’re gonna do it.

Candace:          Oh, shut the fuck up. Vulpix, Ember!

Doug:              Uh-oh.

[Music intensifies.]

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh.]

Super effective? Metapod, use Harden! Be defensive.

[Harden chimes.]

Candace:          Vulpix, Ember!

Doug:              Stop burning my Metapod he's- oh no.

[Vulpix coughs. More flames rush forward.]

He's dead.

[Metapod groans weakly. Candace laughs.]

Metapod, come back.

[Metapod returns to its Poké Ball.]

Come back. It's okay, I've got more Pokémon like my…Kakuna!

[Kakuna exits its Ball.]

Candace:          Um, alright. Vulpix, Ember!

[Vulpix coughs and flames shoot out.]

Doug:              [irked] You can't keep doing the same move!

Candace:          Uh, yes I can!

Doug:              Oh no, it’s super effective. [moans] Oh, Kakuna’s gonna die!

[Vulpix cries out happily.]

Candace:          Good job!

Doug:              Uh, String Shot! String Shot!

[String Shot swishes.]

Candace:          [groans] Go, Vulpix, Ember!

Doug:              Oh but see- but see- see you're half the speed now, so I get to go first, and now I used it again so you're even slower a-

[Kakuna wobbles weakly.]

Oh no! Kakuna!

Candace:          Shut the fuck up. Do you wanna fight me again?

Doug:              Alright fine.

[Kakuna returns.]

I- I got the real- the real deedle- I- the real deedle wittle Weedle has [Sage stifles laughter] been awakened alright?

Candace:          What kinda Pokémon is that?

Doug:              It’s a Weedle. Go, Weedle!

[Candace groans. Weedle exits it’s Poké Ball.]

Skip:             Careful! This is his most dangerous Pokémon.

Candace:          Vulpix, Ember!

[Vulpix cries out.]

Doug:              It's not fair ’cause you have a Fire-type and Fire-types are very effective—

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh.]

—against Bug-types! Oh no!

[Doug devolves into frantic, incomprehensible stammering.]

Candace:          Vulpix, you got this! Ember, again.

Doug:              [whining] You are such a bitch. I can’t believe this.

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh.]

Nooo Weedle, no! Use Tackle, noooo!

[A thud is heard as Weedle faints. Music fades out. Birds chirp in the background.]

Candace:          That's what you get when you fight Candice Carter—

Doug:              [sad] I can't believe this.

Candace:          —the niece of Clair Carter

Doug:              [mumbles] I can't bewieve this at all.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[sad] Bug Catcher Doug is lost- he's lost the game. [sad, irked] What’re you whispering about?

Xander:           [quiet] I just… What are we doing?

[Beat.]

Doug:              [sad] Well, you guys are go—

Xander:           Why are you guys fighting?

Doug:              ’Cause that is what Pokémon trainers do.

Xander:           That’s it? You're supposed to just wander around the forest and- and fight each other?

Candace:          Yeah.

Doug:              Yeah, I mean, you know, whatever.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Hey, you know, um—

Xander:           So what happens now? Do we, like, take your shit? Or like…

Skip:             Yeah, do we get some stuff?

Doug:              Oh, I mean, I have to give you some money.

Xander:           Oh, for real?

Skip:             Oh, cool.

Xander:           Wait, hold on. [yells] We make money doing this?

Skip:             Yeah!

Candace:          Yeah, that's why we be- get fame—

Doug:              Yeah, th- uh, there’s kind of like a bet thing.

[Beat.]

Xander:           Like- did you—

Candace:          Sock it over.

Doug:              Like, when you- like, when- when—

Xander:           Did you guys agree on that beforehand or is like a wager?

Doug:              When you lose a battle- when you lose a battle you have to give over some money to the other person.

Xander:           Well, how much? What's up?

Doug:              Oh, here’s ₽100.

[Money rustles as Doug counts it out and hands it over.]

Xander:           [yells] ₽100?

Candace:          Thanks, Doug.

[Candace zips open her backpack and stuffs the money inside. She zips the pack shut.]

Xander:           What? I want to fight you now! Let me- let me do that.

Candace:          Well, all his Po—

Doug:              Well, all my Pokémon are fainted.

Candace:          Yeah, ’cause Vulpix—

Doug:              I’ve gotta go to the Pokémon Center.

Xander:           Oh. Well, you got any friends?

Doug:              [Sage stifles laughter] Oh, there's lots of Bug Catchers around here if you really wanna fight ’em.

Xander:           Yeah, man.

Skip:             I'm tryin’a level my- my Dratini up, so I’m down to... As long as the fire’s back there.

Candace:          Vulpix, back in the Poké Ball.

[Vulpix cries out and returns.]

Doug:              I mean, it does look like it's spreading this way a little bit so you might wanna…

Skip:             Alright, let's get out of here.

Xander:           Are you gonna go too?

Doug:              Oh, I gotta go back to Viridian. That's where my house is.

Xander:           Well, good luck with the fire.

Skip:             You're gonna- you’re gonna die if you head south.

Doug:              [quiet] Oh no.

Candace:          You wanna just come with us for now?

Skip:             Yeah, do you wanna just be our partner for the rest of this journey?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Doug:              Not really.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Just for a moment then?

Doug:              I'm an NPC, I shouldn't do that.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Dude, where are you from?

Doug:              Viwidian City! I just told you!

Skip:             Is that the Viridian City accent?

Xander:           Do an- Does anyone else talk like that?

Doug:              Uh, my dad.

Candace:          I think it's a speech impediment.

Doug:              Hey!

Skip:             Hold on, I'm having a flashback to the people I've met at Viridian City.

[Beat. Forest ambience.]

No. No, it- you're the only one who sounds like that.

Doug:              [quiet] Shut the fuck up. You guys are mean!

Sage:            And he cries and runs into the fire. [stifles laughter]

[Jessica chuckles in shock.]

[Viridian Forest drums come back in.]

Xander:           Oh!

Candace:          Wait, Doug! Doug!

Skip:             Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Sage:            You can’t tell if he’s on fire yet, but he’s definitely running straight towards it.

Xander:           [shocked] I think we just killed that kid.

Skip:             Let's go, let's go. We need to not be around for this.

[Greg stifles laughter.]

[Candace groans.]

Xander:           We should not be around, period.

Sage:            And our trainers cross into Pewter City.

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Radio switches on.]

[Suspenseful music.]

Victrola! Announcer: Victrola! a weekly improv podcast with all the unfunny parts cut out for your listening convenience. Please enjoy this tiny sampling of our wares, you vultures.

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

Control Booth Guy:      Traffic Parka Outpost, this is Control Booth. First guests are coming into the park. Looks like it's gonna be another beautiful day.

Gary:             Hey, this is Gary, quick question. Which of these dinosaurs are smoochable? Which ones are [stifles laughter] good kissers?

[Intense action music.]

Jared:          Hi, I'm Jared Leto the Joker in the upcoming film All Joker’s Men.

Director:         Okay, we’re gonna cut right here.

[Music cuts off.]

Uh, Jared, that's not the name of the movie that you played the Joker in.

Jared:          It's not?

Director:         No, it's Suicide Squad. Okay, we’re starting over. Starting over.

[Intense action music.]

Jared:          Hi, I’m the Joker, star of the upcoming film Suicide Men.

Director:         Nope.

[Music cuts off.]

Okay.

Jared:          But— [chuckles]

Director:         Uh, no.

[Suspenseful music.]

Victrola! Announcer: That's it! That's the gist of our podcast. Wanna hear more? You can find us online wherever podcasts are found! Or head to victrolapod.com. Keep watching the stars.

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It's Geodude!

 [Geodude cry.]

From Viridian City to Mt. Moon - Part II

[The trio walk down the sidewalk.]

Candace:          [sighs] I am so exhausted.

Skip:             I need to get myself and my Dratini to a little R&R.

Xander:           Well, do we go back to the Pokémon Center in Viridian or like…

Candace:          No, we’ll go to the—

Skip:             No, we’ll go to the Pokémon Center—

Candace:          Pewter City.

Skip:             —in Pewter City.

Xander:           There's one here too?

Skip:             Yeah.

Candace:          Yeah, there's one in every town. Oh my god, Xander. Do you know nothing?

Xander:           [irked] No! Guys, I've just been a normal kid.

Skip:             Also—

Xander:           I have to take- I have to help take care of my family.

Candace:          That's not normal.

Xander:           Wha—

[Xander stops. The other two slow to a stop and turn back to him.]

You’re a bitch.

Candace:          [shouts] What?

Skip:             Whoa, dude. Back off, man.

Xander:           [shouts] No, f- You guys have been giving me shit like I’m- I’m some sorta weirdo because I've been living a normal life this whole time. Like, I'm sorry I haven't had time to fuckin’ learn about Pokémon. I've just been at home with my mom, and it's really stressful, and I can't go back to school because I’m not- ’cause I’m a- I mean, ’cause I got flunked out and it's—

Candace:          This is your calling.

Xander:           Bw- in- ich- I got pushed on this by a guy with Alzheimer's!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Whatever the way you got pushed into it, it doesn’t matter. This is your calling, okay? We are a team.

Skip:             We just made a hundred bucks.

Candace:          And this is just the beginning. We’re in this for the long haul. Embrace it.

Skip:             Also, we got some free stuff from Mark.

Candace:          Yeah, we did.

Xander:           [quiet] Alright, let’s just go. I don’t- I don’t wanna talk about it. Let’s just go.

Skip:             [gentle] Hey Xander?

Xander:           [quiet] What?

Skip:             Dinner’s on me.

Xander:           Get outta here.

[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]

Sage:            Our trainers cross over to the Gym. They ask a couple people around and they've been pointed to the Pewter City Gym where the leader, Brock, normally trains. Except they go to the door and there’s—

Travis:          What was his name?

Sage:            Uh, Brock.

Travis:          It wasn’t ‘Barack’?

[Chuckling.]

Jessica:          Barack.

[Chuckling.]

Greg:          [Obama impression] Hi, uh, I’m the, uh—

[Jessica laughs and claps.]

—Rock trainer here.

[Squeal. Chuckling.]

Sage:            And the door of the Pewter City Gym has a sign on it.

Jessica:          [hesitant] Well, what does the sign say?

Sage:            Just “gone”.

[Laughter and clapping.]

Skip:             This is perfect. I need to go get my Dratini healed up first.

Candace:          [concerned] Oh, let's go to the Poké Center.

Skip:             Look at her!

Candace:          I- I’m saying let's go.

Skip:             Okay.

[The trio walk down the sidewalk.]

Hey, you know, I was thinkin’ maybe we should stop by the post office. I would like to write a letter back to Pallet Town and see if Klara’s okay.

Candace:          You’re gonna write a letter to Klara, who’s not even your girlfriend, but you won’t write a letter to your mother?

Skip:             [scoffs] I’ll write one for her too.

[Automated door slides open. Poké Center music.]

Sage:            Skip sits down to write his letter while Candace takes the Dratini.

[Stat test chime.]

Skip, can you go ahead and roll me Charisma for your letter?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Alright. Critical hit. It is a very heartfelt letter and you feel good about it. You’ve never written so poetically in your life.

[Pencil scratches on paper.]

Skip:             You know, I really think that she’s the one. I just get- I just get these- these tingly feelings inside when I think about her.

Sage:            And then you seal up the Poké mail and you deliver it to the Poké…pneumatic tube. Whatever.

[Stifled snort.]

And then it— [stifles laughter] You look over and you see Nurse Joy.

Skip:             [awed] Huh?

Candace:          [irked] It’s Nurse Joy.

Skip:             [awed] Hi.

Nurse Joy:           Welcome to our Pokémon Center! We heal your Pokémon back to perfect health! Shall we heal your Pokémon?

Skip:             Uh, I feel like we've met before.

Nurse Joy:           Okay. We’ll need your Pokémon.

[Restoration machine beeps.]

Skip:             Oh. Did a Dratini come through here?

Nurse Joy:           Thank you! Your Pokémon are fighting fit. We hope to see you again!

Skip:             You already took care of my Dratini? Wow, I didn't even ask.

Nurse Joy:           Welcome to our Pokémon Center! We heal your Pokémon back to perfect health! Shall we heal your Pokémon?

Skip:             Um… No, I- it- you already healed it. But, um, if you're not doing anything later, I- I would—

[Candace shoves Skip towards the door.]

Candace:          Oh, Skip! Let’s get outta here!

Nurse Joy:           Okay. We'll need your Pokémon.

Skip:             Guys, she was beautiful.

[Beat.]

Candace:          Xander, you gonna take this one?

Xander:           Hmm?

Candace:          Are you gonna handle this?

Xander:           Oh. She doesn't care about you.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             What?

Candace:          God, that’s not what I—

Xander:           What? She doesn't.

[Restoration machine beeps.]

Like, she doesn’t care about anything. Look at that.

Skip:             How do you know? Nobody knows this one.

Nurse Joy:           Thank you! Your Pokémon are fighting fit! We hope to see you again!

Xander:           It's the same thing. Just like four ti- you’ve been- you just let your Dratini, like, go through the rinse cycle again for no reason.

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Skip:             What’s your name?

Candace:          [irked] I told you, her name is Joy.

Xander:           Look, it says on her—

Skip:             No, we already- I- I remember Nurse Joy. I'm over her.

Xander:           Yes. It’s also Nurse Joy.

Candace:          Yeah, this is also Nurse Joy. [loud] They're all Nurse Joy that's ho- why I know she's Nurse Joy.

Skip:             [whispers] What?

Candace:          They’re all, like, sisters or like sister-in-law's and—

Xander:           I don’t even- I don't know anything and I know that.

Candace:          Yeah, come on.

Skip:             [whispers] But…why would they all be the same name?

Candace:          That's just how they are. It's the same with, uh—

Skip:             Who was their dad or mom?

Candace:          Well, they're all, like, sisters, sister-in-laws, cousins like—

Xander:           [mumbles] Maybe an Amish community.

Sage:            This rugged looking older gentleman comes walking up.

Gentleman:         Where did you kids come from?

Skip:             Pallet…

Xander:           Not the fire.

Skip:             …Town?

Candace:          Pallet Town.

Gentleman:         So you heard about the fire at Viridian Forest?

Candace:          We saw smoke in the air.

Skip:             We outran it.

Gentleman:         You better be careful kids. Don't go into Viridian Forest, and always make sure you’re watching yourself. Only you can save yourself from... [Sage stifles laughter] fire.

Candace:          Wow.

Skip:             You sound like a program that's been defunded.

[Stifled laughter.]

Gentleman:         I’m gonna go back to my post now.

Xander:           What are you- what are you- what? What’s your post?

Gentleman:         Oh, here. I just sit here in the Pokémon Center, and I give people tips of advice.

Candace:          Can you give me advice?

Xander:           Like unsolicited or…

Gentleman:         Yeah, if you come up to me, I will- I will start giving you advice.

Candace:          It- so this is like fortunes. Give me my- give me a- an advice.

Gentleman:         Okay. Go ahead and look at me.

Candace:          I'm looking at you.

Gentleman:         Great.

I heard Brock is out of town. Something seemed to really upset him. He might be in Mt. Moon. I'm not sure.

Candace:          [quiet] Where's Mt. Moon?

Xander:           Okay, I want to try now. Alright, alright, alright, look- look at me.

Gentleman:         Mm-hmm.

Xander:           Alright, go ahead.

Gentleman:         I'm not sure where Brock is. He might be in Mt. Moon, some people say.

Xander:           I get it.

Candace:          Ugh, fuck…

Skip:             Hey, excuse me, sir. I hear that you're really great with helping people with advice. I'm kind of in love with this one girl—

[Candace punches him.]

—[groans] but I'm starting to have feelings for these other girls that I meet along the way. What do I do?

Gentleman:         Man, women? Can't live with ’em [Sage laughs throughout] can't live without ’em.

Candace:          Well that was new.

Xander:           It could’ve- yeah, I didn’t- thought they would just keep talking about Brock.

Candace:          That had more alive and character to it.

Xander:           It’s- guys…

Skip:             Guys, I think we should head to Mt. Moon.

Xander:           [mumbles] This guy hates women.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Gentleman:         Excuse me, what?

Xander:           Nothiiing.

Candace:          Where’s Mt. Moon?

Gentleman:         Are you going to Viridian Forest? Don't do that.

Candace:          No, we’re going to Mt. Moon.

Xander:           No. You just asked.

Gentleman:         Oh, good job! You know, I heard Brock is there. Oh, I already told you that.

Xander:           Mmm. Yeah.

Candace:          Yeah, you did.

Gentleman:         Okay. Alright.

Xander:           [whispers] God.

Candace:          Um, can you tell us which direction Mt. Moon is?

Xander:           Starting to get the feeling everybody here had memory problems.

[Beat.]

Gentleman:         Are you going to Viridian Fo—

[Sage chuckles.]

[Candace groans.]

Xander:           Oh my god!

Sage:            [stifles laughter] Do you guys want to go to Mt. Moon?

Jessica:          Mt. Moon!

Travis:          [irked] Yes!

Sage:            [chuckles] Okay.

[Pokémon Center music fades out.]

[Wind blows through town and the group walks down the sidewalk.]

Skip:             [distant] Guys I found a sign that says, “This way to Mt. Moon”!

Candace:          Amazing! Let's go.

Sage:            Except next to that sign some...kid shows up.

[I See You chime. Follow Me music.]

Candace:          Aw, it smells like shit in here.

Kid:            Hey are you guys tryin’ to get to Mt. Moon?

[Travis laughs.]

Candace:          Oh.

Skip:             Hey, kid, you need to take a bath!

Kid:            What?

Candace:          I thought- well, I thought- you looked a lot like this—

[Jessica stifles laughter. Greg laughs in the background.]

—shithead I know.

Kid:            Uh…

Candace:          I thought you were this shithead that we know.

Kid:            That’s rude. No look I just- I- you can't go to Mt. Moon without getting, uh, a Badge from Brock.

Xander:           [quiet] Everybody keeps fucking talking to us.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Brock is in- at Mt. Moon.

Kid:            No, no, no. I’ll show you where his gym is. Follow me.

Candace:          [groans] No, his gym is clo—

[Jessica laughs.]

Xander:           No, dude. Dude…

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [chuckles] Hold on. Roll for Defense to see if you can break out of his hold.

Travis:          All three of us?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Failure chime.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Mmm. So the only person who can is Candace.

Jessica:          ’Cause I'm fuckin’ strong.

Sage:            So Candace stays put and he just ignores Candace entirely and you see this kid—

Jessica:          Is it because I’m a woman?

Sage:            —just start walk- like, pushing you guys literally toward the Gym.

Skip:             Uh.

[Shoes drag across the pavement.]

Xander:           Stop, stop.

Skip:             Candace! You're my safety blanket.

Xander:           Stop, please.

Skip:             Oh, look at that!

Kid:            Why would I stop? You guys need to get a Badge before you can proceed.

Candace:          Hey, kid!

Kid:            What?

Candace:          Again, [enunciates] Brock is not there.

Kid:            No, no, no. I just need to show you where he is and then I'll let you pass.

Xander:           [mumbles] Oh god, I’m hating this.

Skip:             Hey dude. Look at the sign. It says that he's gone.

[Music cuts off. A beat passes.]

Kid:            Yeah, so he's probably inside.

[Music continues. Candace groans.]

He's gone inside so why don't you guys go ahead? See you later!

[Rapid footsteps fade away.]

Sage:            And he goes back to the post.

Xander:           Well, let's just- let’s just see if he's- let's just go. Can’t- it’s not like he’s gonna do that again.

Skip:             Alright, alright.

Xander:           Yeah, let’s go.

Skip:             Let's head back over to Mt. Moon.

Xander:           Alright. Do it.

Candace:          Going to Mt. Moon.

[I See You chime.]

Kid:            Are you guys going to Mt. Moon?

[Follow Me music. Candace groans.]

Xander:           Oh, what the fuck!

Skip:             What's that smell?

[Xander chuckles.]

Candace:          [chuckles] Smells like a new shithead.

Kid:            You guys look like new trainers. Hold on, hold on. I think you need to battle Brock first.

Skip:             Dratini, Thunder Wave!

[Dratini trills.]

Kid:            Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't have any Pokémon!

[Music stops. Candace growls.]

Skip:             Okay. Dratini, stay where you are on my neck.

[Dratini trills.]

Like a scarf.

Kid:            Uh, you’re not threatening me, are you?

Skip:             Maybe?

Kid:            No, no, please don’t do that!

Skip:             Are you going to push us around?

Kid:            Yeah, yeah, no. I'll show you where Brock is—

Skip:             Dratini!

Kid:            AHH! What?

[Dratini trills.]

Xander:           Look, dude, we’re just gonna go. We’re gonna go.

Kid:            No, you shouldn't go without a Badge, though.

Xander:           You’re gonna- We’re gonna go.

Skip:             Why?

Kid:            ’Cause you’re new trainers, and if you go on this Route you’ll have to fight another trainer.

Skip:             That's fine.

Candace:          Yeah, Brock.

Xander:           Okay.

Skip:             We got a pretty good record.

Xander:           We could also not. We could just not fight them.

Candace:          We need to get a Badge. We don't have a Badge yet.

Xander:           Well, I know, but we could fight—

[I See You chime. Follow Me music.]

Kid:            Oh, oh! I know where you can get a Badge. At Brock’s place—

Candace:          [roars] I- I will- wanna tackle you right now! [roars]

Skip:             Candace, Tackle!

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

Sage:            Mmm, it's net. You do tackle him to the ground. He's not hurt though. Instead he rolls over and he starts pushing you towards Brock's [stifles laughter] Gym.

[Shoes drag across the pavement.]

Candace:          Oh my god!

Kid:            I'll show you. Don't worry. I know, I know. Don't worry. Once you beat Brock, you're gonna be able to get through Mt. Moon no problem!

Skip:             Hey, hey kid!

[Footsteps stop.]

Kid:            What?

Skip:             [slow] Get your hands off her.

Candace:          [yells] Assault! Assault!

Kid:            What are you gonna do?

Skip:             Dratini!

[Dratini trills.]

Thunder Wave!

Xander:           That sounds like a bad idea.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Role for effectiveness. It’s 1d fudge.

Candace:          [yells] Police! Police!

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

[Thunder Wave zaps.]

Sage:            Okay it shocks him and it doesn't hurt and he’s like—

Kid:            Whoa. Uh.

Skip:             And there’s more where that came from.

Kid:            Hey, it’s illegal to have Pokémon attack people.

Skip:             Being pretty inhumane to us, so I don't consider you “people”.

Kid:            You know what? You know what?

[Clothes rustle.]

Skip:             [hopeful] Are you leaving?

[Phone clicks open.]

Kid:            I’m gonna call the cops.

[Phone dials.]

Candace:          [whines] I’m already calling for the police. You assaulted me!

Kid:            Your friend just assaulted me with his Dratini.

Skip:             Are you—

Kid:            And that's illegal.

Xander:           No, he didn’t.

Skip:             Are you hurt?

Xander:           No, he didn’t.

Candace:          Yeah, he didn’t do that.

Xander:           He didn’t do that.

Skip:             Yeah, show me on your body where he- where he hurt you.

Xander:           He didn’t do that.

Kid:            Uh, there’s prob’ly—

Candace:          Like it—

Skip:             There's nothing on you.

Candace:          Where?

Xander:           You’re—

Kid:            My word will be better ’cause I’m gonna go there first.

[He runs away.]

Xander:           Well, let's go.

Candace:          [speaks through teeth] Run. Let's go to—

Xander:           Let’s- why? What's he gonna do?

Candace:          What?

Xander:           What's he gonna do? Let's just walk. Let’s go. [scoff]

Candace:          No, let's just- just swiftly go to Mt. Moon while he's going to get authorities.

Skip:             [distant] Guys, this way!

[Calm Route-traveling music plays.]

Sage:            And you’re on the path and you guys stroll through Route 3 and Route 4 and it was very tiring. There wasn't a lot a trainers surprisingly, but you had to- you had to trespass over- not tres- you had to, uh, tra—

[Travis laughs.]

You had to traverse over some ledges and rocks, and you made it to the entrance of Mt. Moon.

Xander:           Okay, so I don't think we should- we should make a point. Let's not make anyone's head bleed…as much…if we can. I feel like we’ve done a lot of—

Candace:          I can’t promise that—

Xander:           [worried] You’ve got anger problems.

Candace:          —but I can try. Everybody- why...why are they all so stupid?

Xander:           I…

Candace:          They all repeat themselves! How am I- I can’t. I just- I- this is not what I was expecting. I’m a little surprised and disappointed. Um…

Xander:           What, that being vagabonds is gonna be more fun and exciting?

Candace:          [sad] Well this is everything I ever wanted. I’ve always wanted to go on adventures like my aunt. And she was not even there! That’s so unlike her.

Xander:           Yes, ’cause that’s- I mean, she’s probably on an adventure.

[Candace scoffs.]

’Cause people, when they like this lifestyle, they leave [enunciates] and they don’t come back.

Candace:          [quiet, disappointed] Yeah, that’s cool.

Xander:           Yeah, it’s great. Super cool when people leave and they don’t come back.

[Beat. Crickets chirp.]

Skip:             [hesitant] Hey, Xander? I’m starting to get the feeling that what you’re talking about isn’t what she’s talking about.

Xander:           [loud] So where’s Mt. Moon?

Candace:          We’re here.

Xander:           [loud] Okay, let’s go.

Sage:            You go inside Mt. Moon.

[Suspenseful music; Mt. Moon theme on solo piano.]

It’s dark but not too dark. You seem to be able to see without light. Somehow. Doesn’t really add up.

Skip:             [whispers echo] Hey, Candace. I think Xander’s got some personal problems.

Candace:          [whispers echo] Yeah, clearly.

Xander:           [distant shout] Whispers carry in here.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Could somebody roll me Sense? All three of you.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Failure chime.]

[Failure chime.]

Jessica:          Mmm.

Sage:            Well, you got two blanks, right?

[Travis laughs and groans.]

Two blanks means you can use your Hidden Power.

Greg:          Wisdom.

Sage:            Alright. Using Wisdom you remember. Gone. I heard Brock was at Mt. Moon. That means Brock’s here in Mt. Moon.

[Snickering. Sage chuckles.]

Skip:             Guys.

Travis:          [sarcastic] Can we play that back real quick? That went over my head.

Sage:            “Gone”. Brock’s- Mt. Moon. Brock’s in Mt Moon. [chuckles]

Skip:             Guys I just had an, uh, I just had an epiphany.

Candace:          Please tell me.

Skip:             [slow] Brock is here in Mt. Moon.

[Beat.]

Candace:          No shit!

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            To give you some wisdom on that, you realize something might’ve upset Brock, and so he ran here and he’s hiding. And maybe he’s leaning against a rock somewhere.

Skip:             I’ve got an idea.

Xander:           What?

[Music cuts off.]

Skip:             [shouts] Brock?

Candace:          That’s very simple.

Skip:             [shouts] Hey, Brock?

[Distant moaning.]

Hey.

Xander:           [mumbles] Is someone jerking it?

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Ew!

Skip:             Is that you, Brock?

[Moaning.]

Xander:           [mumbles] I think someone’s jerking it in here.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Uh, make a sound if you hear me.

[Heavy breathing.]

Xander:           [hesitant] Y-yeah…

Skip:             Okay make a different sound if you can understand me.

[Beat. Man grunts.]

[excited] There we go.

Xander:           He’s done.

Skip:             Where are you?

[Beat.]

Candace:          Brock?

Skip:             Brock?

[Clothes rustle. Echoing footsteps on cave floor approach.]

Man:                Who are you?

Skip:             [startled] Dratini!

[Pokémon Main Theme plays.]

Credits

[Music continues throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David McEuen, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Special Thanks

Sage:            Hey all, it’s Sage.

Just wanted to thank everyone for listening and spreading the word. Literally looking at a graph here of the downloads and with only two episodes and the introduction we’ve already surpassed what our first two seasons accomplished in full combined. And it’s going up every day, crazy. So thank you so, so much.

If you like what we’re doing, we have a Patreon. For $1 you get a shoutout on the show, and for $3 you get an Adventure Pass. Visit patreon.com/20sidedstories to check that out.

Special thanks to Chad Ellis, Kadet Kuhne, and our Patreon producers.

Episode 4 - Showdown with Brock & Misty premiers next Wednesday. Make sure to hit that subscribe button so you don’t miss it. Keep catchin’ ’em all, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later!

[Pokémon Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]

#4 - Showdown with Brock & Misty!

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 4 - Showdown With Brock & Misty

Air Date: August 21, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Suspenseful music; Mt. Moon theme on piano.]

Narrator:         Our trainers have been looking for the Gym Leader, Brock, who ran away into Mt. Moon, upset for reasons unknown. It seems now, as he steps out from behind a boulder, that they have finally found him.

[Echoing footsteps on cave floor.]

Brock:          Who’re you?

Skip:             I’m Skip Svitak.

Candace:          And I’m Candace Carter!

Xander:           I’m Xander. Are you crying?

Brock:          Uh...there’s no way you could’ve heard those tears dropping.

Xander:           I thought you jerkin’ it, but looks like you were crying.

Brock:          What? Why- why would you think… I mean, yeah I do like Rock Pokémon, but why would I be jerking it in Mt. Moon?

Xander:           What?

Candace:          What?

Skip:             What?

Brock:          What?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Hey, dude. Can we get a Badge from you?

Brock:          What are you talking about?

Xander:           Are you Brock?

Brock:          Yeah, I’m Brock.

Skip:             Are you the Gym Leader of [mumbles] Pewter City?

Brock:          That’s Pewter City to you, pal.

[Candace chuckles.]

Skip:             Are you the Gym Leader of [enunciates] Pewter City?

Brock:          Yeah.

Skip:             Hey, [stifles laughter] go do your freakin’ job.

Brock:          I— [growls]

Candace:          Yeah, fight us.

Brock:          I- I don’t have the… I don't have the will.

[Beat.]

I got things on my mind that you just wouldn’t understand.

Xander:           Like what?

Candace:          Try us.

Brock:          Man, you wouldn’t understand.

Xander:           No, like what?

Brock:          Well, it’s like this- this Pokémon battle in my chest.

Xander:           What?

Candace:          Can you be a little bit more specific?

Brock:          I’m…

Candace:          What are you battling?

Xander:           Who hurt you?

[Brock grunts as he holds back tears.]

Candace:          Brock?

Brock:          [tearful] I’m sorry.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace or Xander roll me Charisma.

Jessica:          [groans] Not me.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            It’s critical success. So Xander, you look into the eyes of Brock and he realizes he can trust you. You’re just a kid. You’re just lookin’ out to help. Xander really does have a heart of gold even though he has no idea what’s going on.

[Brock takes a few steps closer.]

Brock:          Hey.

Xander:           What?

Brock:          Listen kid, you’re the only one I feel I can open up to the most right now.

Xander:           Oh, okay.

Skip:             The hell?

[Sage laughs.]

Xander:           Uh, sure man. What’s goin’ on?

Brock:          Man, come sit behind my boulder.

Xander:           …Guys.

Candace:          Um, can I be his buddy? ’Cause you’re an adult.

Xander:           Yeah, we need…

Candace:          And we’re- I—

Xander:           Can we work on the- can we- can they just come? Can we all just go?

Candace:          I’ll just plug my ears, but I just need to watch.

Brock:          Walk with me.

Candace and Xander:   Okay.

Brock:          Look out for the Zubats.

Xander:           What?

[Zubats flutter by and screech.]

AH! Jesus Christ.

Brock:          Told you to watch out.

Skip:             Dratini!

[Dratini trills.]

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 4 - Showdown with Brock & Misty

[Mt. Moon theme music reprise; now calming and tranquil.]

Sage:            Our trainers join Brock on an adventure through Mt. Moon which, the further you get through, the less scary it feels. Feels a little bit more like a sanctuary than a cave, and you hear the faint singing of Jigglypuff in the distance. There’s some light sometimes that shine through the ceilings. It’s actually kind of a cool place.

Candace:          [awed] Whoa.

Brock:          You see how the stalagmites force their way up, and the stalactites just kind of drift their way down?

Skip:             ’Cause a stalagmite reach the ceiling, but a stalactite better hang on tight.

[Beat.]

Brock:          And the two when they meet, they fuse together.

Candace:          [hesitant] Okay…

Brock:          Form a—

Skip:             Stalag!

Brock:          Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me right now. I feel like a stalagmite. No, -tite.

Candace:          [quiet] Oh.

Xander:           [confused] Okay.

Skip:             I know exactly how you feel.

Brock:          Yeah.

Xander:           That’s… Wha… Great. What does he mean? I’m lost in the metaphor.

Skip:             He doesn’t have a girl. Or a guy!

Xander:           Also I don’t think he knows what metaphor means.

Brock:          Hey, hey!

Skip:             His significant other. That’s what he’s missing.

Xander:           So did something happen, or are you just sad?

Brock:          See, there’s this girl.

Candace:          [slow] Oh.

Brock:          Wanna ask her out, and I’ve tried a couple of times but—

Candace:          Why are you boys so obsessed with girls?

Skip:             Dude, have you seen girls before?

Candace:          I am one!

Brock:          Procreation.

Candace:          What about it?

Brock:          Passing on my DNA.

Candace:          Yes?

Xander:           Oh.

Skip:             [stifles laughter] He wants to be a Breeder.

Brock:          It’s true.

Candace:          So you were jerking off?

Brock:          What? No! That’s disgusting.

Xander:           Are you, like, saving it? Are you gonna save it?

Skip:             Who- who are you looking for?

Brock:          Alright, her name’s- her name’s- her name’s M-M-M-

Xander:           He’s gonna come.

Brock:          M-Misty.

[Stat test chime.]

Xander:           There it is.

Sage:            Candace can you roll me Smarts?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Candace:          Misty?

[Brock cries pitifully.]

Candace:          You mean like—

Brock:          The Cerulean City Gym Leader!

Candace:          Yeah.

Brock:          You know, we- we meet at the annual Pokémon League Comic-Con sort of convention. It’s not Comic-Con. It- but it- it’s basically, you know, the whole Indigo Plateau—

Skip:             Gym-Con?

[Sage laughs.]

Xander:           Did you say IndieGoGo Platform?

[David stifles laughter.]

Brock:          Indigo Plateau. Hey, you’re a Pokémon trainer, aren’t you?

Skip:             Have you—

Xander:           No, I’m not.

Candace:          We are! Yes.

Xander:           I’m s—

Candace:          [enunciates] Yes you are.

[Candace kicks Xander.]

Xander:           [quiet] Ow, hey.

Skip:             Oh, yeah, yeah. We’re Pokémon trainers. Certified.

Candace:          We’re a team.

Skip:             Lookin’ for Badges.

[Brock moves closer.]

Xander:           Uh—

Brock:          Listen, kid.

[Brock grabs Xander’s shoulder.]

Xander:           So your right hand. Are you right-handed?

Brock:          [confused] Yeah.

Xander:           [resigned] Okay.

[Stifled laughter.]

Brock:          Anyway. I see that you have what it takes to get there, so I’m gonna let you in on a secret.

Xander:           Grabbing my shoulder pretty hard, man.

[Brock grabs Xander by both shoulders and looks him in the eye.]

Brock:          [intense] You gotta know—

Xander:           [nervous] Okay.

Brock:          —what your opponents’ strengths are and their weaknesses. How ’bout you and I go at it right now?

Candace:          [whispers, excited] Yes.

Brock:          Pokémon Gym Leader versus non-Pokémon Gym Leader.

Candace:          Um, we’re also a team so you’re gonna be battling all three of us, not just Xander.

Brock:          On top of Mt. Moon, in the moonlight.

Candace:          We are down!

Brock:          Cinematic and all.

Candace:          Let’s go!

Brock:          Just you and me, Xander!

Candace:          [loud] No, it’s us! Us three and you!

Brock:          Alright.

Sage:            Brock leads our trainers up a secret passageway that does indeed go to the top of Mt. Moon—

[Stifled laughter.]

—and the moon is shining and it’s probably one of the biggest you’ve seen. Not because it’s big tonight, but this angle in Mt. Moon seems to have some kind of, you know, fairy/spiritual connection to the moon.

David:           It’s a waning gibbous.

Sage:            Yeah, whatever that means. You arrive under the moonlight where there’s a perfect laid out platform for you all to battle.

Candace:          This is amazing!

Xander:           This can’t be a coincidence.

Brock:          Who’s first?

Candace:          Me!

Brock:          Alright.

[Gym Battle music.]

Candace:          Vulpix, go!

[A whoosh is heard as Vulpix exits its Poke Ball and cries out.]

Brock:          Alright. This battle begins. Zubat, go!

[Zubat exits its Ball.]

Candace:          Vulpix, Tail Whip!

[Vulpix coos and wiggles its tail cutely.]

Brock:          What’s that gonna do? Lower my defense or somethin’ like that?

Candace:          Yeah it is, bucko!

Brock:          Zubat, use Toxic.

[Zubat cries out. Toxic splats.]

Candace:          Okay, uh, Vulpix, Ember!

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh.]

That’s right.

Brock:          What the hell? You know what’s better than good? Great. Zubat, Acrobatics!

[Zubat cries out, wind rushes. A thwack is heard as it hits Vulpix.]

Xander:           Vulpix is—

Candace:          Oh no! Oh my gosh.

Xander:           It looks like his- something else is wrong. It looks like he’s sick.

Brock:          Yeah, that’s Toxic. It’s a poison so you can throw your shields up.

Xander:           [horrified] Poison? You poisoned it?

Candace:          How could you poison Vulpix?!

Brock:          I’m a Gym Leader. I’m tryin’ to win this battle.

Candace:          Ugh. Vulpix, Ember.

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh. Zubat screeches.]

Get ’im! Oh, I believe in you! You’re so amazing!

[Toxic splats.]

Brock:          Oh.

[Vulpix cries out in distress.]

Guess what?

Candace:          What?

[A thud is heard as Vulpix faints.]

Vulpix?

Brock:          Yeah, that’s right.

Candace:          Oh, Vulpix back in the Poké Ball!

[Vulpix returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh. Brock chuckles.]

Xander:           Uh, uh…

Candace:          Just go. I…

Xander:           Alright, um…

Brock:          You’re the one I want anyway.

[Xander groans nervously.]

Candace:          Um…

Xander:           Alright, um. Mud- Mudkip.

[Mudkip enters the fight.]

Mudkip:        Mud! [coughs] Kip!

Xander:           U- [nervous chuckle] Oh my god, work on that cough. Um. Alright use, uh, use Growl. Growl at it. Scare him a little bit.

[Mudkip growls cutely.]

Brock:          [scoffs] The best that could do is lower my Attack. Use Toxic, Zubat.

[Zubat screeches, Toxic splats.]

Sage:            Mudkip has been Poisoned.

Xander:           Ah, shit, you got sick too. Alright Mudkip, uh, use Water Gun.

Mudkip:        Mud!

[Mudkip hacks, water splashes.]

Brock:          Acrobatics.

[Wind rushes. A thwap is heard as Mudkip is hit. Wings flap as Zubat returns to its spot.]

Xander:           Ah, god dammit.

Sage:            Zubat’s health is very low.

Candace:          Oh my gosh, you’re so close!

Xander:           Alright, Mudkip.

Brock:          Hang in there, Zubat.

Candace:          Muddy Waters! Muddy Waters!

Xander:           Mudkip, use Water Gun!

[Mudkip hacks, water splashes.]

Brock:          Quick Attack, Zubat! Oh, no.

[Candace laughs.]

Alright, alright.

[Zubat returns.]

You really do have what it takes to be a Pokémon—

Xander:           [nervous] Oh, shit, you’re not lookin’ so good, uh. I’m gonna, uh, uh.

Brock:          Geodude, go!

[Geodude enters the fight.]

Skip:             Tag me in, dude!

Xander:           Hold on. Mudkip, dude, I’m sorry. Use, Water Gun.

Mudkip:        Mud!

[Mudkip hacks, water splashes. Geodude groans.]

Narrator:         It’s super effective!

[Geodude faints with a thud.]

Brock:          That made me throw up a little.

[Xander groans in shocked relief.]

Mudkip:        [weak] Kip. [coughs]

[Geodude returns.]

Brock:          Okay, Mudkip.

Xander:           Alright, Mudkip.

Brock:          Onix, go!

Xander:           Ugh.

[Onix exits its Poké Ball and roars.]

Xander:           [worried] Guy’s I don’t wanna hurt ’im, but he’s gonna do good.

Mudkip:        [weak] Mudkip.

[Candace groans in worry.]

Skip:             Hit him with the Water Gun, man!

Xander:           Mudkip, use Water Gun.

Brock:          Onix, do your thing.

[Mudkip hacks.]

Xander:           Mudkip, use Water—

Brock:          Hold on a second, kid!

Xander:           What?

[David chuckles.]

Brock:          Yo, Onix.

[Onix growls.]

Wrap your—

[Laughter.]

Wrap yourself around that Mudkip.

Candace:          Don’t let him boss you around like that!

Xander:           I- I’m—

[Onix roars. Rocks rumble and scrape.]

Mudkip:        Mud!

Brock:          That’s right, Bind. Squeeze it.

Mudkip:        [distressed] Mud!

Brock:          Squeeze. Yeah.

Xander:           Oh no! Mupkip, get away!

[Mudkip coughs weakly.]

Oh, shh- Ugh.

[A thud. Mudkip falls. The music quiets.]

Brock:          Sorry, kid.

Xander:           [quiet] I took a risk and I lost. I hurt him.

Brock:          You next, Dratini boy?

Skip:             I am! Dratini, go!

[Battle music resumes. Dratini cries out as it enters the fight.]

Dratini, Thunder Wave!

[Thunder Wave zaps.]

Brock:          We both have very phallic-looking Pokémon.

[Stifled laughter.]

Xander:           [quiet] What the fuck is wrong this guy?

Brock:          Sorry. Bind around that thing!

Candace:          [quiet] He’s perverted.

[Music quiets. Pokédex beeps as it powers up.]

Pokédex:        [muffled] Onix is immune to Thunder Wave.

[Clothes rustle.]

[muffled] Thunder Wave is an Electric-type move—

[Pokédex clicks open.]

—and Onix is immune to Electricity.

Xander:           Is your Pokédex just start talking?

Skip:             Thanks, Pokédex.

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

Dratini, Wrap ’im up!

[Battle music resumes. Dratini trills.]

Brock:          Bind, Onix.

[Onix growls. Stretching noises are heard as Dratini and Onix constrict.]

Okay, they’re wrappin’ around each other. It’s kinda, ooo.

Xander:           It’s like big spaghetti.

Brock:          It’s like—

[David chuckles.]

Skip:             Keep it up, Dratini! Wrap ’im up!

[Dratini trills.]

Brock:          It’s gonna be neck and neck. But you know what? Hey Onix, why don’t you polish your rock and use Rock Polish on ’im.

[Onix roars. Chimes are heard as its Speed increases.]

Xander:           [quiet] I knew he was jerking.

Skip:             Dratini, don’t let him talk to you like that! In fact, let’s Wrap ’im up this time.

[Wrap squeezes.]

Brock:          But you know what? Onix, Bind around ’im.

[Rocks rumble and scrape.]

Skip:             That’s alright. Dratini, I think it’s time to Wrap things up.

Brock:          Damn it.

Xander:           This is gonna take forever.

Brock:          Rock Polish, harder!

Candace:          He’s doing the same thing.

[Onix growls.]

Brock:          Harder! Polishing.

[Chimes are heard as Onix’s Speed rises again.]

Ugh.

Skip:             Dratini, let’s Wrap him.

[Dratini trills, Wrap squeezes.]

Brock:          Man. Just keep on polishing that rock. Eventually one of us is gonna fall.

[Speed-increase chimes.]

Candace:          Does this battle take forever?

Skip:             Alright, Dratini. Let’s end this. Let’s use our special attack! Wrap!

[Dratini trills.]

Brock:          Hey, hey. Wait a minute. Stop Wrapping. You might actually hurt Onix. But you know what? Bind again.

[Rocks scrape.]

Skip:             It’s hard to bind when your gettin’ [makes record scrubbing sound] Wra-a-wra-a-Wrapped!

[Dratini trills.]

Xander:           All I’m gonna say, if that nine-foot rock monster loses to a three-foot worm, I’m gonna have my entire perspective blown.

Skip:             Dratini, let’s Wrap!

[Rumbling is heard, followed by a loud thud.]

Xander:           [yells] Oh no!

Brock:          Guess- guess what, bitches? Watch this. Okay, so Onix climbed up the side of the mountain using Rock Climb, jumped off, and body slammed the fuck outta your Dratini.

[Dratini trills weakly and returns to its Poké Ball.]

Skip:             It’s up to you, Xander. Use your Pidgey.

Candace:          Pidgey!

Xander:           Are you kidding me?

[Laughter.]

Candace:          You have to use your Pidgey!

Skip:             Hurry!

Candace:          It’s our only hope!

Xander:           Oh, god. Pidgey, go.

Brock:          You have a Pidgey?

[Pidgey exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Bird Pokémon are weak against Rock-type.

Xander:           [nervous] Alright. Pidgey.

Candace:          Yeah, but you’re close to being dead!

Xander:           Pidgey.

Brock:          It’ll be close, that's for damn sure.

Xander:           Tackle and I’m sorry!

[Pidgey chirps.]

Brock:          Bind! Wrap your—

[A thud is heard as Pidgey slams into Onix.]

Oop.

[Music stops. Onix growls weakly. A loud thud is heard as it faints.]

Okay.

[Victory music.]

Xander:           [yells] You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me!

Candace:          [yells] Whoa!

Skip:             No way!

[Pidgey chirps happily throughout.]

Candace and Skip:     Pidgey! Pidgey! Pidgey! Pidgey!

Brock:          I—

Xander:           He beat him!

Brock:          I- I—

Candace:          Xander!

Sage:            Brock crosses over to Xander slowly.

Xander:           [fearful] He’s gonna kiss me on the mouth!

Sage:            Lifts him up from underneath his shoulders.

[A light tap is heard as Brock lifts Xander. Xander moans in concern.]

Candace:          Hey, you put him down!

Sage:            The moon shining like a rim light behind him.

Xander:           [nervous] Ah.

Brock:          Hey, kid.

Xander:           [nervous] Uh.

Brock:          Guess what?

Xander:           [nervous] What?

[Beat.]

Brock:          You earned yourself a Boulder Badge.

[Brock sets Xander back on his feet.]

Xander:           What?

Candace:          [quiet, awed] Whoa.

Brock:          Just like I said you would.

[Triumphant Gym Victory theme plays.]

David:           And I reach into my pocket.

Xander:           Uh oh.

David:           And I’m shufflin’ around.

Xander:           What does this mean?

David:           I’m shufflin’ around.

Skip:             [whispers] The boulder badge.

Candace:          He’s gettin’ a—

David:           And I’m shufflin’ around.

Candace:          [whispers] We’re getting our first Badge!

Xander:           [whispers] What does that mean?

[Clothes rustle as Brock pulls out a Badge and holds it out to Xander.]

Xander:           Oh! …It’s like a little- little pin.

Candace:          It’s like one of those little enamel pins.

Xander:           Thanks, man!

Brock:          That’s an official Pokémon League certified Pokémon League Gym Badge.

Xander:           …How much does this cost?

Brock:          You guys—

[Laughter.]

Candace:          It’s- it’s like- it’s like a trophy where you pin it on yourself.

Brock:          It’s made out of onix.

Xander:           [mumbles] Pretty small trophy. [normal] Oh, oh! I get- I get it. That’s funny.

Brock:          What’s funny?

[Beat.]

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Oh, is this actually made out of your Pokémon?

Brock:          Listen, kid, you’re on your way to becoming a Pokémon master.

Xander:           I don’t agree with you.

Candace:          Uh, we are.

Brock:          You—

Xander:           I don’t—

Brock:          What’s your name?

Xander:           My name’s Xander.

Brock:          Xander what?

Xander:           Xander Whitten.

Brock:          Xander Whitten?

Skip:             Of the Dream Police.

Xander:           That’s my middle name.

Candace:          That’s our team name!

Xander:           It’s not- oh, guys.

Candace:          We’re the Dream Police!

Xander:           [quiet] I’m sorry. Why’d I ever tell you that?

Skip:             Quick, let’s do the pose!

[Greg stifles laughter.]

[Rapid footsteps.]

Cartwheel!

[Clothes rustle.]

Candace:          Somersault! Pose! [pants]

Xander:           Uh…

Skip:             [whispers] Xander, get over here.

Xander:           I j—

Candace:          Do something.

Xander:           What?

Candace:          Just anything.

Xander:           Uhhh…

Travis:          Sits down. [chuckles]

Brock:          The history books will know of Xander Whitten.

Xander:           [quiet] How?

Candace:          And Candace Carter.

Skip:             A-and the Dream Police.

Sage:            We watch Brock then turn away and head back into Mt. Moon.

Skip:             Good luck with your crush!

Candace:          We beat you!

Xander:           We never- we never found out anything about- oh, wait, it was Misty. That’s right.

Skip:             Did you guys get it? His crush?

Xander:           What? ’Cause he crushed your Dratini?

Skip:             [sad] Yeah. I don’t wanna talk about it.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           So, what is this- what am I holding? What did he give me?

Candace:          It’s a Badge!

Xander:           I got- yeah! What does that mean?

Skip:             If we get enough of them, we can compete in the League.

Candace:          Yeah!

Xander:           What league?

Skip:             The Indigo League! It’s what we’re in, bro.

Xander:           [loud] What?

Candace:          This—

Xander:           [loud] You guys, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Skip:             Maybe if we get louder while we talk, we’ll get through to each other.

Xander:           [sighs] Okay, I’m sorry.

Candace:          We just earned—

Xander:           First off, did I win?

Candace:          [loud] We won. Okay, everybody? Gosh, we all fought in this battle!

Skip:             I’m on your side.

Candace:          [loud] Why is everyone all about– [normal] What?

Skip:             I said I’m on your side.

Xander:           Did you send in a Pokémon?

Candace:          Uh, yes, I did. Vulpix!

Xander:           Oh.

Candace:          All of us fought. Do you not remember? She did a great job!

Xander:           This—

Candace:          She weakened Pokémon for you.

Xander:           I- I’m s- I ju- look, there was a—

Candace:          Now she’s in the Poké Ball.

Xander:           There’s a lot of noise, it was a lot of s- lot of things happening. I di- I’m sorry, I didn’t... [mumbles] Not trying to belittle you.

Candace:          Anyway, we just earned our first Badge and you did great work today, Xander. I’m so proud of you.

Skip:             Yeah, me too, man.

Xander:           Thank you.

Candace:          This is- this is just the first step in us being the best Pokémon master team ever!

Xander:           So I should not- I should- we should hold on to this?

Candace:          Yes!

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          Wear it! It’s your Badge!

Skip:             Wear it like a badge.

Candace:          Wear it with pride.

Xander:           Well, do one of you guys wanna wear it? I don’t—

Candace:          [loud] I’ll wear it!

[Candace snatches it.]

Xander:           Okay, fine.

Sage:            And our trainers cross back into Mt. Moon.

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Radio switches on. Cheery music plays.]

Jessica and Sage:     Hello!

Sage:           My name is Sage G.C. I’m the director of the show and I’m joined by…

Jessica:          Jessica Dahlgren. I’m the voice of Candace Carter and also a producer.

Sage:           I usually do this at the end of the episode after the credits, but today I wanted to do it up front because we got some new listeners from Spotify yesterday!

Jessica:          Because we were featured on Spotify!

Sage:           Super cool! Thank you, Spotify! And of course, thank you to all of the new listeners. Especially the ones who are interacting with us on the Twitter, ’cause that’s—

Jessica:          You guys are so funny, it’s been so great. Please keep interacting with all of us but especially @CandyCarterWins.

Sage:           And there’s Skip and there’s Xander. So you— [chuckles]

Jessica:          [quick] Okay, but more important things. Let’s go!

Sage:           We have a Patreon, which is a crowd-funding service that allows anyone to support creators that they love.

We’re trying to fund-raise currently to help pay for transcripts, which is essentially a readable version of the show for those who are deaf, hard of hearing, or like reading along to help them focus. It costs a lot more than you’d think ’cause I really wanna make sure we do it right.

Of course, you get some bonus content in return. So it’s 100% optional, but if you wanna pitch in, go to patreon.com/20sidedstories to check that out.

Last thing before we let you get back to the episode of course.

Jessica:          Please subscribe. Follow to whatever platform you listen to your podcast on.

Sage:           If you hit that button, you have no idea how much it helps the show. Also you could review the show, if you think the show is good enough for like—

Jessica and Sage:     A 5-star review maybe?

Sage:           Maybe? It really does help the show a lot, though.

Thank you so much everybody who’s been listening. Enjoy the rest of the adventure.

Jessica:          Bye!

[Radio switches off. Music cuts out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Starmie!

 [Starmie cry.]

Showdown with Brock & Misty - Part II

[A river runs in the background. Adventurous Route music plays.]

Candace:          It’s Cerulean City!

Skip:             It’s Cerulean City?

Brock:          That’s Cerulean City.

Sage:            [amused] You exit the cave.

Xander:           [belated, unenthused] Cerulean City.

Sage:            You see Cerulean City, it’s a little bit far. Probably a day’s walk.

Candace:          It’s Cerulean City! Prob’ly a day’s walk.

Skip:             It’s Cerulean City!

Candace:          That’s what I just said.

Brock:          I’ve been carrying my bike this whole time.

[Rustling and clattering are heard as Brock sets his bike down.]

I’m just gonna ride.

[Bell dings.]

Candace:          What the f—

[Brock grunts happily, fading away.]

Skip:             Cool, adult.

Xander:           There he goes.

Candace:          Wait, did he just leave us?

Xander:           Yeah, he just got on a bike.

Candace:          Okay, well, let’s go to Cerulean City right now!

Skip:             Double time.

[The trio jogs down the dirt road. Everybody pants. Adventure music continues.]

Sage:            And our trainers travel to Cerulean City.

Xander:           Come on, everybody.

Sage:            On the way, they consult their Pokémon and realize that they have leveled up over their battles and have learned some new moves.

Candace:          [gasps and squeals] Oh, Vulpix.

Sage:            Such as Pixie, the Vulpix owned by Candace, has learned both Roar and Baby Doll Eyes. Now you are at level 9.

Candace:          Oh, yeah!

[Vulpix cries out happily.]

Sage:            Skip’s Dratini has leveled up to level 11 over all of his battles.

Travis:          Wow!

Sage:            Doing really well. He has learned the move Twister.

[Dratini trills happily.]

Xander’s Mudkip, Muddy Waters, has learned the move Mud-Slap.

Mudkip:        Mud!

Travis:          Oh, we gonna get ’em good!

Mudkip:        Mud-Slap!

Sage:            Xander’s new Pidgey has learned the move Gust. Currently level 9.

Travis:          Gust, yeah!

[Pidgey chirps happily.]

Fuck yeah!

[Music fades out.]

[The trio walk across pavement.]

Sage:            Our trainers travel across the next half of Route 4 and arrive at the beautiful, glowing city of Cerulean. The trainers near the Cerulean City Gym. And right as they’re a couple meters away, some Little Shit comes out the front door.

[Rival entry music.]

Candace:          Oh, what are—

Little Shit Zach:     Hey, nerds. I bet you don’t even have a Boulder Badge.

Candace:          Um, jokes on you, Little Shit. We do. Look at my chest! Not in the inappropriate way. It’s right here!

Xander:           [quiet] Just asking for it.

Skip:             Zach, stop lookin’ at her like that.

Little Shit Zach:     I- she told me to!

Candace:          We’re gonna tell your girlfriend, Klara, that you were staring at my chest.

Little Shit Zach:     Don’t- don’t do that! No, you can’t tell her.

Skip:             Wait.

Little Shit Zach:     What?

Skip:             Are you guys still together?

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah, man!

Skip:             Oh. That’s—

Little Shit Zach:     We just talked through the, you know, the Poké Phone.

Skip:             Oh, the Poké…

Candace:          I have a cell phone.

Skip:             Poké Phone? Is that connected to the Pokédex?

Little Shit Zach:     I mean, not really.

Xander:           Is that pairing? Is that Bluetooth?

[Candace sighs.]

Little Shit Zach:     Your Pokédex can, like, make some kinda calls, but usually they’re spotty and—

Candace:          Well, anyway. Yeah, we got a Boulder Badge.

Little Shit Zach:     Well, do you have a Cascade Badge from Misty?

Xander:           What’s that? Oh.

Candace:          Not yet. We’re on our way to get it but—

Little Shit Zach:     Well, I just got one. Boom! Look at this! …Nerds!

Xander:           Cool.

Candace:          Where’s your Boulder Badge?

Little Shit Zach:     Shut up!

Xander:           Is that all of ’em?

Candace:          [smug] Yeah.

Little Shit Zach:     I jus- I couldn’t find Brock!

Candace:          Yeah, that’s because we—

Little Shit Zach:     I had to sneak by this kid. He was- [quiet] wouldn’t let me- so couldn’t find ’im and…

Skip:             Are you okay, bud?

Little Shit Zach:     [irked] Yeah, I’m fine.

Skip:             Alright. You just seem sad.

Little Shit Zach:     Well, now we’re tied!

Xander:           Do you have- why aren’t you traveling with anybody?

Little Shit Zach:     I’m tryin’ to find my Uncle Blue!

Skip:             You seem real lonely.

[Beat.]

Little Shit Zach:     Whatever, man.

Xander:           Like—

Candace:          Yeah, we’re a family. How does that feel?

Xander:           Hey, hey.

Candace:          What?

Xander:           That’s really mean. [nervous chuckle]

Candace:          Well, he’s mean. He’s a shithead!

Xander:           Well, I mean, maybe if you weren’t so mean to him he wouldn’t be so mean.

Sage:            Shithead Zachary stares stoically. His face does not move at all after that comment.

Xander:           Hey, man. Look—

Sage:            He turns and walks away.

[Footsteps fade.]

Xander:           [offended] Wha- what the he—

Skip:             Good battle, team.

Xander:           [offended] Hey, what the… Okay, fine.

Skip:             We couldn’t break him down on the outside, so we broke him down on the inside.

Xander:           Fine! God! Tryin’ to be nice to somebody for—

Candace:          Why would you ever wanna be nice to that shithead?

Xander:           I’m just- I didn’t know.

Sage:            And then Brock on his bicycle pulls up.

[A bike bell rings. Wheels hum on the sidewalk.]

Skip:             Dude, it took you that long? [stifles laughter]

Brock:          I’m really outta shape.

Candace:          Oh my gosh.

Brock:          All I do is eat doughnuts all day.

Skip:             Well, I guess with an Onix in your pocket, it would bring you down.

Brock:          Yeah, that’s the amazing thing about these Poké Balls, like, they make them smaller but, like, they still weigh the same.

Xander:           Does anyone know how those work? I’m fucking mystified.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Brock:          So basically, uh, the Poké—

Skip:             Hey! The Poké Center! [Greg stifles laughter] We gotta get our stuff there.

Candace:          Oh, yeah!

Brock:          Wait—

[Travis laughs.]

Candace:          I need to make sure that Vulpix is all ready for battle.

Brock:          Nurse Joy works at the Pokémon Center.

Candace:          She does.

Skip:             Nurse—

Brock:          Joy.

[Scene-change swish. Pokémon Center music.]

Brock and Skip:       [awed] Hi.

Candace:          Hi, Nurse Joy. We would like to get our Pokémons back to full health.

Nurse Joy:           Welcome to our Pokémon Center! We heal your Pokémon back to perfect health! Shall we heal your Pokémon?

Candace:          Yes, to perfect health. Thank you.

Nurse Joy:           Okay. We’ll need your Pokémon.

Candace and Xander:    Here you go.

[Restoration machine beeps.]

Nurse Joy:           Thank you! Your Pokémon are fighting fit! We hope to see you again!

Candace:          Thanks, Nurse Joy.

[Backpack zips closed.]

Skip:             [awed] Bye, Nurse Joy.

[The trio walk across the tile, heading for the door.]

Hey, guys?

Xander:           Huh?

Candace:          [irked] What?

Skip:             I don’t… Never mind.

Xander:           I think he just needs to try harder.

[Beat.]

Skip:             Okay. I’ll be right back.

[Skip walks back to the desk.]

[Jessica stifles a laugh.]

Sage:            Xander and Candace, meanwhile, just give up on him and head towards the Cerulean City Gym.

[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]

[Gym door slides open.]

They go through the front door.

[Gym Lobby music plays on Harp. Water laps against the side of the pool.]

There’s a pool.

[Beat.]

[Laughter.]

Across the pool, training a couple of Pokémon it seems, in a bikini and a ponytail that goes to the right, is some chick.

[Candace gasps quietly.]

Xander:           [quiet] Is this the public pool? Where are we?

Candace:          We’re in the Gym of Cerulean City and I—

Xander:           Are all the Gyms pools?

Candace:          No, just this one. I mean, that I know of.

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          But [whispers] I think that’s Misty.

Xander:           [whispers] I didn’t bring swimming trunks.

[Gym door slides open.]

Candace:          We don’t need to swim. It’s okay.

Skip:             [tearful] Hey, guys.

Candace:          [sighs; soft] Yeah?

Skip:             I’m over it. I’m over her.

Candace:          What happened?

Xander:           Hmm?

Skip:             You know how she’s, like, always flirting with me?

Xander:           Uhhh…

Skip:             Well, [scoffs] she was talkin’ the same way to Brock.

Candace:          Yes.

Skip:             And then she was talkin’ the same way to some other dude who just came through.

Candace:          Yeah.

Skip:             I think she’s just playin’ me.

Candace:          Probably.

Xander:           It’s okay man. [hesitant] You can do better?

Candace:          Yes.

Skip:             [soft] Thanks.

Candace:          [normal] Anyway!

Xander:           Glad you’re here. Where’s Brock?

[Gym door slides open. Brock cries.]

Candace:          Is that him crying? Whatever. [calls out] Misty?

Misty:              [obnoxious] What?

[Kate stifles laughter.]

Skip:             [stifles laughter] Oh god.

Candace:          Misty!

Misty:              [loud] Who is it?

Candace:          Um, my name is Candace Carter. I’m a part of the Dream Police—

Misty:              [loud] Oh my god, is that Brock?

Candace:          Um.

Skip:             What? Brock?

Misty:              Brock!

[Brock sniffles quickly. Misty cries out, disgusted.]

Brock:          What? Oh.

[Kate stifles laughter.]

Oh. Hey Misty. I didn’t see you there. Swimming in your pool.

Misty:              What—

Brock:          Li-like a mermaid. S-sitting in a pool.

Misty:              God, you’re just so sad!

Brock:          Hey. Your- your hair’s red today.

Misty:              It always is!

Brock:          Uh. It looks pretty wet. I mean—

Misty:              I’m in a pool, Brock!

[Kate stifles laughter.]

Brock:          Hey, you know what- you know what, uh, Pokémon’s weak against Water?

[Kate stifles laughter]

Misty:              What?

Brock:          I don’t know, but Water’s strong against Rock. Like mine.

[Candace screams.]

Your- it’s like if you… Oh.

Skip:             [whispers] Brock, tell her that Water is your weakness.

Brock:          You’re my weakness.

[Beat.]

Misty:              That’s great, Brock, [Kate stifles laughter] but—

Brock:          Hey, if you’re not doing anything on Sunday—

Misty:              Why are you three kids with him?

Candace:          HEY! Uh, we’re here to get a Badge from you!

Misty:              Okay!

Candace:          Vulpix—

Brock:          Anyway, on Sunday, you know, I’ll be on the Nugget Bridge—

Misty:              That’s great, Brock.

[Gym Battle music.]

Candace:          [loud] Vulpix, go!

[Vulipix exits its Poké Ball.]

Brock:          What’s the matter?

Misty:              Brock, not now, I’m fighting these kids!

Brock:          Oh.

[Jessica and Kate stifle laughter.]

Misty:              Goldeen, go!

[Goldeen exits its Poké Ball and quietly blows water bubbles.]

Sage:            And battle has begun!

Candace:          Alright, Vulpix.

[Vulpix cries out.]

Time to get goin’.

[Vulpix cries in agreement.]

Roar!

[Vulpix roars. Goldeen returns to its Ball.]

Misty:              Oh, Staryu, go!

[Staryu cries out as it enters the fight.]

Xander:           What? What just happened? Did she just switch Pokémon?

Candace:          Oh, whoa. I didn’t know what Roar did. Switched out the Pokémon, now I’m battling a whole new Pokémon.

Misty:              You bet, ha!

Candace:          Vulpix, Tail Whip.

[Vulpix coos and wiggles its tail cutely.]

Misty:              Staryu, Tackle!

[Staryu cries out and surges forward. Vulpix cries out in pain.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh! Uh, sidebar, what does Baby Doll Eyes do?

Xander:           I don’t know! What are you lookin’ at me for? I don’t know shit!

[Pokédex clicks open.]

Pokédex:        Baby Doll Eyes. Usually moves first. Priority +1. Lowers the target’s attack by one stage.

Candace:          Uh.

Misty:              I can’t wait forever!

Candace:          Okay, Vulpix, Baby Doll Eyes.

[Music switches to sad piano music.]

[Water splashes.]

Sage:            We see Pixie in the pool. She dives in and then comes out so that her fur is very wet and she almost looks like a stray fox and she sits down and opens her eyes. Staryu’s attack gets lowered.

[Travis starts to sing “In the Arms of An Angel” by Sarah McLachlan]

Misty:              Whoa, I’m even mesmerized.

Candace:          You’re beautiful, Pixie. Use your Ember!

[Piano music cuts off. Batte music resumes. Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh.]

Misty:              Staryu, Tackle!

[Staryu cries out and Tackles Vulpix. Candace groans.]

Ha, suck it!

[A thud is heard as Vulpix faints.]

Candace:          Dang it, Vulpix.

Misty:              Yeah! Goodbye, Vulpix!

[Vulpix cries out weakly.]

Candace:          I’m so sorry! Back in the Poké Ball.

[Vulpix returns.]

Misty:              Haha! What d’you got now, little girl?

Candace:          Uh, that’s my only Pokémon, so my team members are gonna have to—

Misty:              Oh, HO! I guess you’re done! Who else has got Pokémon for me?

[Candace groans.]

Skip:             Dratini, Thunder Wave!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Misty:              Oh, Staryu, use Tackle!

[Paralyze buzzes.]

Xander:           Whoa, Staryu can’t move. What’s goin’ on?

Skip:             Dratini!

Misty:              What?

Skip:             Let’s get Wrappin’ with this.

[Squeezing is heard as Dratini constricts around Staryu.]

Misty:              Oh no, my Staryu’s Paralyzed—

Xander:           [mumbles] It’s just fuckin’ standing.

Misty:              —what did you do?

Skip:             I’ll show you what I did. I Wrapped you!

[Wrap squeezes.]

Misty:              Whaaaaa!

[Dratini trills.]

Skip:             Hey, let’s Twist things up.

Misty:              Staryu, use Tackle! Yeah!

[Heavy wind rushes as a Twister blows toward Staryu.]

Whaaa!

[Staryu falls with a thud.]

My Staryu’s fainted!

Candace:          [sings mockingly] Heck yeah!

[Staryu returns.]

Misty:              Go, Goldeen!

[Goldeen enters the fight.]

Skip:             Dratini, you’re doin’ great.

Misty:              Oh no! Goldeen, use Aqua Tail!

[Water splashes. A slap is heard as Goldeen hits Dragonite.]

Skip:             Goldeen, that wasn’t very nice! In fact that was, Twisted!

[Heavy wind blows.]

Misty:              Suck it, little kid!

[Goldeen cries out and a thud is heard as it falls.]

[frantic] Goldeen! My Goldeen fainted!

[Goldeen returns.]

Oh my god. Starmie, go!

[Starmie exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

Xander:           [quiet] He’s wreckin’ shit.

Skip:             Alright, Dratini! Why don’t you come back, and let’s let our teammate finish this off.

[Dratini trills.]

Xander:           [nervous] Uhhh, okay. Um, alright. Go, Mudkip. Let’s go.

[Mudkip exits its Poké Ball.]

Candace:          Go, Mudkip!

Mudkip:        Mud! [coughs]

Misty:              Starmie, use Rapid Spin!

[An echoing swish, followed by a thud as Starmie’s attack hits.]

Xander:           God this is fast. Okay, um, Mudkip use, uh, which- Mud-Slap.

Mudkip:        Mud!

[Mud bubbles up and splatters on Starmie.]

Misty:              Rapid Spin again, Starmie.

[Starmie surges forward and slams into Mudkip.]

Xander:           God dammit!

Candace:          Oh, no.

Misty:              Yeah!

Sage:            Starmie’s accuracy has been lowered. It is also Paralyzed.

Xander:           Uh, Mudkip, use Tackle.

[Mudkip leaps forward and slams into Starmie.]

Misty:              Oh, yeah, Starmie, use Rapid Spin!

[Starmie spins toward Mudkip and knocks him around.]

Xander:           Why’s it going so fast?

[Candace groans.]

Misty:              Because it’s fast. It’s a Water-type Pokémon. Duh!

Xander:           That makes no sense! Alright, uh, uh. Use Growl.

[Mudkip Growls cutely.]

Misty:              Dang, ugh!

Candace:          The Mudkip is so young, I don’t know if it’s gonna last.

Xander:           Oh god, uh.

Misty:              Oh, it won’t.

Xander:           I can’t let you faint again. Uh, k- uh, Mudkip come back.

[Mudkip returns.]

[nervous] Go, Pidgey.

[Pidgey chirps as it joins the fight.]

Misty:              [amused] A Pidgey? Oh my god, Rapid Spin.

Candace:          This Pidgey’s stronger than you think!

[Starmie spins in a blur and slams into Pidgey.]

Sage:            So much Rapid Spin has been used that a whirlpool starts to form inside of Misty’s Gym. The water is swirling around the entire Gym and everyone’s getting splashed in the face.

Candace:          [groans] God.

Misty:              I love this!

Xander:           Uh, Pidgey use, uh, use the new one. Use g- uh, uh, Gust.

[Pidgey chirps and flaps its wings, sending a blast of air across the room.]

Misty:              What?

[Paralyze buzzes.]

Xander:           Oh, god. That doesn’t really look so well.

Misty:              Oh my god! My Starmie’s Paralyzed!

Sage:            Ramona used Gust. It was not very effective but it seems that it’s starting a whirlpool around the Gym. There seems to be a light-weight hurricane starting.

Xander:           What?

Misty:              This is what you get!

Xander:           Uh, use Tackle. Tackle.

[A thwack is heard as Pidgey’s attack lands.]

Misty:              Oh my god! Starmie, use Rapid Spin!

[Starmie smashes into Pidgey.]

Xander:           He’s too weak. Guys, I don’t know what to do.

Candace:          [worried] Me neither.

Xander:           Alright. Pidgey, use [nervous chuckle] Tackle.

[Pidgey chirps and hits Starmie. Starmie retaliates with another Rapid Spin.]

Candace:          Oh, no. Pidgey.

[Pidgey chirps.]

Misty:              Yeah!

Skip:             Hit me in, dude. Tag me back in.

Xander:           Alright, Pidgey, get outta here.

[Pidgey returns.]

Dratini, you got- you gotta do this.

Candace:          Go on, Dratini.

Skip:             Dratini, Twister!

[Dratini trills and wind rushes toward Starmie.]

Misty:              Oh no. Yeah. Get ’im with that Rapid Spin, Starmie!

[Starmie pummels Dratini as it blurs around the room.]

Xander:           This doesn’t look good.

Candace:          Oh, no.

Skip:             Dratini, Twist it again!

[Dratini trills and another Twister blows across the room.]

Misty:              Just give up, kid! Rapid Spin, Starmie!

Candace:          Come on, Dratini!

Skip:             Let’s do it. Let’s Twist and shout.

Misty:              I’d like to see you try!

[A dull thud is heard as Dratini collapses.]

Skip:             Dratini…

Xander:           Oh, shit.

Skip:             [quiet] Dratini.

Misty:              That’s right. He fainted.

Xander:           Alright. Mudkip.

[Mudkip exits its Poké Ball once more.]

Candace:          Our only hope again.

Xander:           So sorry. [nervous] Oh god. Use Tackle. No! Uh, yeah. Use Tackle.

Misty:              Oh yeah, Starmie use Water Pulse!

[Water surges toward Mudkip.]

Xander:           Jesus Chr—

[Candace cries pitifully.]

Sage:            Amongst the mini-hurricane forming inside the Cerulean gym, Starmie used a Water Pulse that crushed Mudkip severely. It’s passed out entirely.

Xander:           Misty, what the fffuck?

[Mudkip returns.]

Misty:              Listen. I hate making Pokémon faint. That’s my least favorite thing. But seeing you guys cry was my favorite thing of today!

Xander:           I didn’t- only thing that happen- fuck it. Go, Pidgey.

[Pidgey exits its Poke Ball and chirps weakly.]

Now I’m pissed. This sucks. I hate this. Pidgey, use- use Gust.

[A blast of air hits Starmie. Pidgey chirps.]

Misty:              Oh yeah. Rapid Spin, Starmie!

[Starmie blurs toward Pidgey and hits it. Pidgey chirps in pain. Candace groans. A Gust slams into Starmie. ]

[yells] What?

Skip:             Come on, Pidgey! Come on, Ramona!

Candace:          Come on, Pidgey! You can do it!

Sage:            Critical hit!

[Candace chants “Pidgey” in the background.]

Xander:           Oh my god. That—

Misty:              No, Starmie!

Xander:           That gust of wind hit him harder?

Candace:          Yes!

Xander:           I still don’t understand how any of this works. Alright, Pidgey, use Gust again. That worked. Let’s do it again.

Misty:              Yeah, Rapid Spin.

[Gust hits Starmie as it blurs toward Pidgey, colliding with a thud.]

Candace:          Come on, Pidgey!

Misty:              Oh my god!

Xander:           Alright, Pidgey.

Misty:              Come on Starmie, Rapid Spin!

Candace:          [worried] This is such a close fight!

Xander:           So back and forth. Pidgey—

Sage:            Both of their healths are in the red zone.

Skip:             Gust! Gust!

Xander:           Use Gust.

Misty:              Yeah!

Candace:          Nooo!

[Pidgey chirps weakly.]

Sage:            Starmie uses one final Rapid Spin. The hurricane grasps a whole stream of water with wind and hits the Pidgey against the back wall right before its final Gust.

Misty:              [sad] That poor Pidgey.

Sage:            But the hurricane is not over and Starmie gets launched into the corner by the hurricane, cracks the little gem in the center.

Misty:              Nooo!

[Starmie falls to the ground with a thud. Candace gasps and Misty screams. Shattering glass echoes through the Gym.]

Sage:            It is a tie.

Candace:          Oh…my gosh.

Misty:              [yells] My Starmie! I’m so sad!

Xander:           [horrified] Did it just die?

Skip:             Wait. What does this mean?

[Candace scoffs.]

Misty:              Listen, kids. This doesn’t happen often and since I love your Pokémon so much and hate seeing them faint—ugh! Poor Pokémon!—I’ll give you the Badge.

Xander:           Oh.

Candace:          Really?

[Gym Victory music.]

Xander:           Wait. So even though we didn’t win, you’re gonna give it to us?

Skip:             Hey, I thought your strategy was really, really good.

Misty:              Thank you! [chuckles]

Brock:          Anyway, you know, so I’ll be on Nugget Bridge if you wanna—

Skip:             Hang on a second, Brock. Do you have any tips?

Misty:              Um...uh.

Skip:             ’Cause I’m—

Misty:              [loud] Be confident!

Skip:             [scoffs happily] You got it! Thank you.

Narrator:         And so our trainers with big smiles on their faces—except for Xander—are awarded the Cascade Badge, shaped like a single blue water drop. But they look over and Brock is still sad with a single tear of his own.

[Brock cries pitifully.]

Misty:              Wait, Brock!

[Brock grunts.]

Brock, you’re creepy and we’ve been friends for a long time. And sometimes I hate you.

Brock:          What?

[David stifles laughter.]

Misty:              But, I’ll go on a date!

Brock:          Uh, you- you will?

Misty:              Yeah! I mean…

Brock:          I know this great place in Celedon, you know, it’s a little eatery.

Misty:              Brock, shut up. [chuckles] I don’t want to hear it, I’ll just go with you.

Candace:          That took a turn.

Skip:             So um, sh- let’s get to the Pokémon Center again?

Candace:          Uh, yeah. We should go.

Skip:             But can you…

[Music softens.]

Um, can you bring my Dratini there? I don’t… I don’t wanna see Nurse Joy right now.

Candace:          [slow] Sure, Skip.

Skip:             I appreciate it. You’re a real great friend.

Candace:          Thank you. I know.

Narrator:         Meanwhile, Xander and his Mudkip are sitting at the edge of the pool, kicking their feet about.

[Water splashes. Teamwork Motif starts to play on soothing guitar.]

Mudkip:        [weak] Mud. [coughs]

Xander:           Uh… I’m sorry. Look, I’m really sorry. I know this isn’t, like… This isn’t the kinda life I thought you were gonna lead when I picked you up from the ditch. Um, this wasn’t really in the plans. Uh.

Mudkip:        [weak] Kip.

Xander:           I don’t know, really, what we’re doing and I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but I’m glad that you’re here. And I’m sorry that I haven’t been more supportive.

Narrator:         Weak and bruised, Muddy Waters slowly lifts his little Mudkip paw and gently places it on Xander’s hand.

Xander:           Oh, Jesus Christ. Alright, let’s get you to the Pokémon Center. I don’t know why I’m waiting. You’re really hurt!

[Everyone laughs]

[Mudkip coughs.]

[Pokémon Main Theme music.]

Credits

[Music continues throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by Kate Pursley, David McEuen, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

Sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

#5 - The S.S. Dan

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 5 - The S.S. Dan

Air Date: August 28, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Upbeat music; Cerulean City theme.]

Narrator:         After tense battles with Brock and Misty, our trainers have just received their first two Gym Badges. They now set off from the Cerulean City Gym, ready for and in pursuit of the next challenge.

[Automated door slides open.]

Skip:             Hey. Guys, turn around. Look, look.

Candace:          What?

Skip:             They’re holding hands.

Candace:          Oh, Misty and Brock?

Skip:             Yeah!

Candace:          Wow. They’re… Do you think they’re, like, in love?

Skip:             N- I don’t really think it’s gonna work out.

Candace:          Yeah.

Skip:             Brock’s super into her, though.

Candace:          Sounds like another, uh, guy-into-another-girl, uh, scenario that I know of.

Skip:             [sighs] I think he just needs to mature. I mean, I know I’m just a kid but he’s just- he’s fallin’ in love with too many girls.

Candace:          You think so?

Skip:             Yeah.

Candace:          Mmm. Interesting.

Skip:             Yeah. It is.

Candace:          So how’s, uh, how’s, uh, your whole Nurse Joy and Klara situation goin’?

Sage:            Our trainers look over to see, by the bike shop, there’s a whole crime scene. It’s taped off, there’s officers and sirens, couple of detectives, smashed windows. Seems to be a lot of commotion, but they’re trying to keep it under control.

[Music becomes suspenseful. Police sirens wail.]

Skip:             Whoa.

Candace:          What the fudge is happening?

Skip:             Let’s go check it out.

Candace:          Yeah? Xander? What d’you want?

Xander:           Huh?

Skip:             You okay, bud?

Candace:          Are you gonna come or what?

Xander:           Where are we going?

Skip:             We’re gonna—

Candace:          We’re gonna go check out the crime scene.

Xander:           Oh. Okay, yeah. Let’s go.

[Police whistle blows.]

Officer Jenny:        What’re you kids doing here? This is a crime scene.

Candace:          Uh, we just saw the commotion and we wanted to help.

Officer Jenny:        Well, all you’ll be doing here is getting in the way. We’re investigating a lot of bike thieves.

[Chatter on police scanner in background.]

Candace:          Oh, gosh. How many bikes were stolen?

Officer Jenny:        It’s unclear at this point.

Skip:             How do you even know bikes were stolen, then?

Officer Jenny:        Well, because they’re missing. But it’s been a mass steal- it- it’s complicated. It’s police work!

Candace:          So it’s uncountable. There’s just so many bikes that you don’t even know!

Officer Jenny:        Right and- and they’re very expensive.

Candace:          [quiet] Oh.

[Quiet crying.]

Who’s that?

Xander:           What’s- is it- is Brock here?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Bike Shop Owner:    Who?

Xander:           [quiet] Never mind.

Candace:          Mr. Man, why are you crying?

Bike Shop Owner:    ’Cause all of my expensive bikes are gone.

Xander:           Are you the purveyor of this bike place?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Bike Shop Owner:    Yeah, this is my stowe.

Candace:          Do you have a son? ’Cause you sound like this buggy dude that we met.

Bike Shop Owner:    Oh, you know my son Doug?

Candace:          Oh, yeah. Have y- yeah, we, uh—

Bike Shop Owner:    How’s he doin’? He was back at, uh—

Xander:           [nervously] Has he been home recently?

Candace:          Yeah, have you seen him?

Bike Shop Owner:    No, I was wondewin’ how his trainin’ was goin’. I thought he was gonna be over in—

Skip:             How many- how many bikes did you lose?

[Stifled laughter.]

Bike Shop Owner:    Four.

Skip:             Four bikes.

Candace:          That doesn’t sound like a lot.

Bike Shop Owner:    It is a lot. They’re each worth a million dollars.

[Greg laughs.]

Candace:          [shouts] Oh, snap!

Xander:           Oh my god! What’re they made of?!

Officer Jenny:        But that’s not the point. It means so much more than this.

[Suspenseful guitar builds.]

Xander:           What?

Candace:          What does that- wait, what?

Officer Jenny:        Well, we think that whoever broke into the bike shop might be trying to mimic the infamous, disbanded Team Rocket.

[Team Rocket motif echoes.]

Candace:          [slow] Whoa.

Skip:             [slow] Whoa.

Candace:          Team Rocket? They’re, like, ancient history.

Bike Shop Owner:    [tearful] Hey do you just go around tellin’ little children all the cwime information?

Candace:          Hey, we’re not just children!

Bike Shop Owner:    I don’t even know these- Team Rocket has my bikes!

Officer Jenny:        Well, we don’t know that yet! And we- we need to make sure the public is informed! They could have information that we need!

Bike Shop Owner:    [tearful] The journalists aren’t even here yet. Lady, you betta not let me down!

Xander:           Uh, ’scuse me. From- from what I’ve heard, Team Rocket was, like, this major, multi-national crime syndicate. Did they really go around stealing bikes from local bike shops?

Officer Jenny:        These bikes are very expensive, as you know.

Xander:           What’re they m—

Officer Jenny:        They’re a million dollars each.

Candace:          And Team Rocket always just- just steal things that they needed in the moment, so my guess is th—

Xander:           So like, they were hard up on cash and were like, “Let’s go rob a bike store”?

Bike Shop Owner:    Well, many years ago, here in Cerulean City, there was a house that got bwoke into. But I don’t know if that’s related or not.

Candace:          What house?

Xander:           Was that- hold on, was it just a break-in or did Team Rocket do it?

Bike Shop Owner:    Oh it was Team Wocket, that’s for sure.

Candace:          Team [enunciates] Rocket, or Wocket?

Bike Shop Owner:    That’s what I said.

Skip:             [quiet] Please don’t make fun of his speech impediment.

Xander:           [nervous chuckle] This is very- Okay, hold on.

[Jessica chuckles.]

That’s not nice.

Candace:          Well, you gotta correct people when they’re saying things wrong.

Xander:           Mm-mm.

Bike Shop Owner:    What the fuck is wrong wit’ ch’you?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Xander:           [loud] Alright, well—

Candace:          Well, I’m just try—

Xander:           That’s a lot of info. I guess we’ll let you guys do it now, if you guys want.

[Music fades out.]

Officer Jenny:        What I need you to do—

Xander:           What?

Officer Jenny:        —is if you see any susp—

Xander:           What do need from- what?

[Whistle blows.]

Officer Jenny:        Hey! I’m Officer Jenny and I need you to listen to me!

Xander:           [quiet] Oh. Okay.

Officer Jenny:        I’m in charge of this investigation, and I need you to tell me if you see any suspicious activity!

Candace:          Will do, Officer Jenny!

Xander:           Sure. Where- where can we find you if we do?

Officer Jenny:        I’ll be around.

Xander:           What?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Officer Jenny:        And if I’m not around, you can talk to one of my cousins. They look exactly like me and are also named Jenny.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, I get it.

Candace:          Yeah, it’s just like Nurse Joy.

Xander:           [mumbles] Yeah.

Bike Shop Owner:    Well, where- where’d Team Wocket go? Where you gonna track ’em down?

Officer Jenny:        Well, we’re not—

Xander:           This guy’s deteriorating by the second.

Officer Jenny:        He’s very distraught. He’s lost his bikes.

Bike Shop Owner:    [tearful] Please find my bike!

Officer Jenny:        We don’t know for sure if this has been Team Rocket or- or another crime syndicate.

Bike Shop Owner:    You think they’re still hidin’ out in ze, uh, [whispers] Celadon Game Corner?

Officer Jenny:        Well, that’s where we’ll be looking next. But that’s all we know right now.

Bike Shop Owner:    [sobs] I’m gonna go back inta my shop. [footsteps receding] At least it’s what it used to be. I miss my son.

[Suspenseful, stealthy music resumes.]

Candace:          Hey, Officer Jenny?

[Stifled laughter.]

Officer Jenny:        Yes?

Candace:          What’d he say? Something about the Celadon Game Corner? Center?

Officer Jenny:        Right! I-in Celadon City there’s a place where you can play arcade games and we think that’s our lead for where criminals might be hidin’.

Candace:          [quiet] Oh.

Skip:             Arcades! That’s the perfect place to plan a crime!

Candace:          [yells] Gasp!

Xander:           Are we gonna… Oh, you guys wanna go there?

Skip:             Yeah! We’re goin’!

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          It’s adventure time, bucko!

Xander:           What about the Gy- [quiet] Okay.

Skip:             And we gotta stop this crime wave before it blasts off.

Officer Jenny:        Just, uh, make sure you don’t get in the way. You know? Don’t- don’t take any vigilante action or anything like that.

Xander:           Okay, hold on. You want us to go investigate this but also not get in the way?

Officer Jenny:        You just need to make sure you let me know before you do anything ridiculous.

Xander:           [shouts] We’re gonna be in another city! Do you have a phone number?

Officer Jenny:        I already told you my cousins will be stationed at every city.

Xander:           D’you got- you—

Officer Jenny:        You- you can’t miss us.

Xander:           [shouts] You know what? Fine! Fine! Let’s just go! This sucks.

Candace:          [yells] To the arcade!

Sage:            And our trainers cross over to Route 5.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 5 - The S.S. Dan

[The trio walk down a dirt road. Birds and crickets chirp in the background.]

Xander:           [sighs] So are we really gonna go look at a- like, isn’t there, like, a tournament or something we have to get to? I’m- I’m a little lost as to what’s goin’ on right now.

Candace:          You know, sometimes things just get tossed right in front of you and you just have to seize the opportunity.

Skip:             We’ll stay on course, but if we see somethin’ we’ll say somethin’.

Candace:          Exactly. We’re doing our part for the society. Because you don’t know. If they’re like Team Rocket, they’re fudgin’ up with some Pokémons and we gotta stop that!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Can we roll fudge to test Sense?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

[Failure chime.]

[Success chime.]

Hmm. Alright, using a success, a failure, and a blank I’m gonna say, Skip looks out toward the southern horizon and sees something flash in the tall grass.

Skip:             Guys! Did you see that?

Candace:          No, what?

Xander:           [quiet] No. What?

Skip:             There was a flash over there in the tall grass!

Candace:          [whispers] Whoa.

Skip:             Follow me!

Candace:          Okay!

Xander:           [nervous] Oh boy.

[They run down the road. Candace and Skip pant comically.]

Candace:          Come on! Pant, Xander! Aren’t you tired?

Xander:           I got long legs.

[Wild Pokemon Battle music starts!]

Skip:             Whoa!

Candace:          What? [gasps]

Skip:             Whoa, Pokédex, what is that?

[Pokédex clicks open.]

Pokédex:        [beep] Abra. Some… [static] crabby lookin’ thing. Is Psychic—

Xander:           I think it’s broken. You should turn it off and turn it on again.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Okay, hold on. I’m rebooting.

[Pokedex beeps and chimes as it reboots.]

Somebody else use their Pokédex.

[Candace opens her Pokédex.]

Candace:          Pokédots, what is this Pokémon?

[Stifled laughter.]

Greg:          You called it polka dots.

[Laughter.]

That’s so cute.

Candace:          [Jessica stifles laughter] Pokédots!

Pokédots:       Abra. A bi-pedal Pokémon that is primarily yellow. Its face is kite-shaped with a small, pale, yellow snout and two short, pointed ears. But you can see that yourself.

Xander:           It says bi-pedal but that shit is- that guy is floating. He is floating! This is amazing!

Pokédots:       It has psychic abilities and is known to run away at sight.

Xander:           Oh my god, I want it!

Candace:          Oh, but I want it!

Xander:           Nobody look at it!

Candace:          Hey, you barely even like Pokémon! You’re only here ’cause you have to be here.

Xander:           It’s like a living prog rock album!

Skip:             Dratini, go!

Xander:           [yells] What?

[A whoosh is heard as Dratini exits its Poké Ball.]

You’re gonna scare it!

Candace:          [yells] Screw you!

Skip:             Dratini, Thunder Wave!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps, Paralyzing Abra. Electronic whooshing is heard. Dratini is Paralyzed as well.]

Candace:          Oh, wow.

Xander:           Oh. Uh-oh.

Skip:             Dratini!

Candace:          It’s all happening so fast!

[Dratini trills.]

Xander:           Oh my- so many things just happened! Okay.

Skip:             Xander, get out there! Dratini, come back.

[Dratini returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Pokédots:       Abra has a special ability called Synchronize which make it so that if attacked with a status effect, it is synchronized with your Pokémon to have the same status effect.

Xander:           So cool. Okay, rock-paper-scissors.

Candace:          This one’s mine!

Xander:           Let’s do this! [quickly] One, two, three shoot.

Candace:          One, two, three, shoot! Ha!

Xander:           Dammit!

Candace:          Scissor beats paper!

Xander:           Ugh!

Candace:          This baby’s mine!

Xander:           Fine!

Candace:          Alright, Pixie!

[Pixie the Vupix exits its Ball and cries out.]

It’s time to get goin’! Go, Tail Whip!

[Pixie coos and wiggles its tail cutely.]

Awesome, you made her defenses down.

Skip:             Way to go, Pixie!

[Pixie cries out.]

Candace:          Yeah! Rock and roll! Okay, Pixie! Go Ember!

[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]

Nice one!

[Paralyze buzzes.]

Ugh. Alright.

Xander:           It’s just sittin’ there. It’s not doin’ anything.

Candace:          Okay, Pixie. It’s time to charm this little Pokémon’s butt off. Baby Doll Eyes, go!

[Pixie coos.]

Aw, you look so beautiful, Pixie.

[Paralyze buzzes.]

Xander:           It’s like he keeps trying to do something, but it’s just not working. What’s wrong with it? I don’t want any- ah, eh.

Candace:          I think it’s defective.

Xander:           I don’t know.

Candace:          Should we take it to a Pokémon Center?

Xander:           [yells] Jus’ try to catch it!

Candace:          Pixie! Go Ember.

[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]

Skip:             Wow, way to heat things up.

Xander:           You should try to catch it or something. I don’t know.

Candace:          Yeah! I should catch it now.

Xander:           Try! Do it!

Candace:          Okay, Poké Ball!

Xander:           [fast] If you miss, I get next dibs.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

Candace:          Go and catch it!

[Abra enters the Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Travis:          Holy shit.

[Poké Ball wiggles.]

Sage:            Wow. So, uh, you automatically caught it without any bonuses.

[Successful catch chime. Victory music.]

[Candace squeals. Xander claps.]

Candace:          Oh my god!

Skip:             Way to go, Candace!

Candace:          I’m a winner, winner chicken dinner! Take that, Xander! Look who’s the best one on the team now!

Skip:             Yeah, cartwheel!

Xander:           What the fuck? I didn’t—

Skip:             Pose!

Candace:          Somersault! Heavy panting! [pants]

Xander:           You’re so competitive!

Skip:             Xander, get in the pose!

Xander:           I’m happy for you. I clapped! No I will not get in the pose. That was rude!

[Music stops. Wind blows and birds chirp in the background.]

Skip:             You’re really not doin’ this—

Candace:          My parents are a politician and a lawyer. What d’you expect from me?

Xander:           I don’t know that!

Candace:          Oh, well, yeah. That’s what they- that’s what they do, so—

Skip:             Perhaps we should have a good session of [sings] getting to know you.

Candace:          [sings] Getting to know me! Xander where’s your father? [normally] Your turn! Sharing time! What’s going on? Your mom’s single. Where’d your dad go? Is he dead?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Hey, my mom’s single too, so I can relate. Well, kind of single.

Candace:          My parents are together, but they barely see each other and sleep in separate bedrooms.

Skip:             At least your mom’s not sleeping with Mr. Burdalody.

Candace:          Oh, gross!

Skip:             I know.

[Beat.]

Xander:           This is a really intense line of questioning. I’d like it if we could just move on, please.

Candace:          Well, we’ve all shared and you have not shared yet, so—

Xander:           I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t want any of that.

Candace:          Yeah, but this is now- we’re a- we’re a team. You need to share with us right now, mister!

Skip:             Come on. We’ve just dropped down some Gengar-level dark secrets.

Candace:          [tearful] This is a lot for me to reveal about myself.

Xander:           [nervous] I didn’t want that.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Xander, will you please roll for Confidence?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Hmm. Blanks. Hidden Power.

Travis:          It is Confidence.

Sage:            Oh, shit. Alright. So that’s a success, then.

Xander:           [firm] No, thank you.

Candace:          What?

Xander:           [firm] No, thank you.

Candace:          [quiet] Oh.

Xander:           [firm] Pass.

Skip:             He seems pretty confident. Maybe we should drop it.

Candace:          [hesitant] I guess so.

Xander:           We’re not there yet.

Skip:             Every team needs a dark brooding one.

[Beat. Candace sighs quietly.]

Xander:           Alright.

Candace:          [quiet] Okay, well, anyway.

Xander:           [quiet] Real good job on the Pokémon, though.

Skip:             Hey, Candace, great job.

Xander:           [quiet] Yup. Great job.

Candace:          Yeah, thanks, guys!

[Xander chuckles.]

I have an Abra! I can’t wait to name it! [sings happily]

[Adventurous music plays; Vermillion City Theme.]

Sage:            And so our trainers, in near silence, finish their walk through Route 5 and arrive at Vermilion City, a coastal town.

[Wingull cries.]

Skip:             Oh look! It’s a seagull?

[Laughter.]

Sage:            No, a Wingull.

Pokédex:        [muffled] Wingull. A bird-thing.

Xander:           Jesus Christ, it’s like your pocket’s talking.

Skip:             [chuckles] Turn your Pokédex off.

Xander:           Sorry. I’ll set it to vibrate.

Candace:          No, it’s telling us information!

Xander:           Alright, fine. I’ll put it back. What?

Pokédex:        [beep] No Pokémon in sight.

Candace:          Oh.

Xander:           Missed it.

Sage:            And then, a loud foghorn is heard over the ocean.

[Foghorn blows.]

Candace:          Holy smokes! What’s that?

[Candance runs ahead to get a view of the ship.]

Oh, whoa! I’ve never been on one of those!

Skip:             Really? You’re rich!

Candace:          I’ve been on a lot of planes.

Skip and Xander:        Oh.

Candace:          Boats are common folk.

Skip:             Sure. Jets are fly, but boats go swimmingly.

Candace:          Yeah, but they also sssink.

[Music stops. A beat passes.]

Skip:             Wow, that joke really crashed.

Candace:          That was my attempt! Whatever.

[Foghorn blows. Music resumes.]

Sage:            Our trainers look up to see that the boat/ship/cruise ship seems to have docked.

Skip:             Hey do you guys wanna [quiet] go on a cruise? [normal] To look for stolen bikes!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Skip, can you roll me Smarts?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Critical success. Skip remembers that, even though he hasn’t seen him in about a year and a half, his older brother—Cedric, a Businessman—owned a cruise liner called the S.S. Dan.

Xander:           [whispers] God dammit.

Greg:          What’s the name of this ship?

Sage:            S.S. Dan.

[Music calms.]

Skip:             [groans] Guys. This is my brother’s boat.

Candace:          Whoa! Your brother has a boat?

Skip:             He’s a Businessman.

Candace:          Wow!

Skip:             This is his business.

Xander:           Do you wanna go on it? Should we go say, “Hi”?

Candace:          Should we say, “Hi”?

Xander:           Are you guys cool?

Candace:          Did he—

Skip:             Yeah, we’re cool.

Candace:          Is he a Pokémon trainer, too?

Skip:             No, man. He tried to go into a more lucrative business. Business.

Candace:          Wow.

Skip:             But this’ll be a great opportunity to show off my Dratini.

Candace:          Yeah! And I could show off Pixie and my Abra!

Skip:             What about you, Xander?

Xander:           Do they have a bathroom?

Candace:          I would assume so, but it’s also on top of the ocean, so if you just have to go number one, you could just go off the end of the boat.

Skip:             [yells] Cedric!

Xander:           I wanna do that, let’s go. [stifles laughter]

[Candace stifles laughter. The trio jog down the dock and up the metal gangplank to the cruise liner.]

Skip:             [yells] Cedric, hey!

Ticket Man:          Uh, excuse me, little boy. Are you tryin’ to get into the cruise ship? Do you have a ticket?

Skip:             Hey, [scoffs] I’m a man in the temple and I don’t need a ticket.

Ticket Man:          This isn’t a religious thing, it’s a boat. So I don’t- what are you—

Skip:             I’m the younger brother of Cedric Svitak.

Ticket Man:          The Cedric Svitak?

Skip:             Yeah.

Ticket Man:          And you could prove that?

Skip:             Yeah. Here’s my blood.

[Knife swishes. Skip stabs himself.]

Ticket Man:          God, y—

Candace:          Well, you’re Pokédex has your name in it.

Skip:             Oh! Oh, yeah. I should do that instead.

[Clothes rustle. Candace chuckles.]

Here, check it out.

Pokédex:        [beep] Skip Svitak. Youngster class.

Ticket Man:          They’re with you?

Skip:             Yeah, they’re my handlers. [chuckles]

Candace:          Yeah, we’re a team! We’re called the Dream Police!

Xander:           Do you have a bathroom?

Skip:             Cartwheel!

[Skip and Candace run into position and pose.]

Candace:          [sings] Surrender. Somersault!

Ticket Man:          We usually just go off the edge of the boat.

Xander:           Cool.

Skip:             [groans] Xander, you missed your cue.

Xander:           What? [quiet] Oh, fuck. Uh, uh. [grunts]

[Xander moves his arms a bit.]

[Beat.]

Skip:             Come on, guys.

Xander:           [chuckles] I’m sorry.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Radio switches on. Upbeat music plays.]

Candace:      Listen up, bucko! Candace Carter here to tell you that this show is made by a bunch of broke dipshits who need your support.

Instead of getting some sort of sustainable capital funding, they’ve opted to stay independent, like a bunch of frickin’ hippies. So all their Poké Dollars come from the fans.

But, you know, independence is good, I respect that. And I know I have lots of fans, which you can become one @CandyCarterWins on Twitter. Candy like the treat because I’m sweet.

Okay, anyway, if you’re having fun tagging along on this Pokémon adventure with us, go to Patreon.com/20SidedStories and get a super cool Adventure Pass. It’s only $3. You get to hear seasons one and two and all sorts of other bonus episodes, with new ones added every month. I think Xander also has his own mini-show or something, but whatever.

Go to Patreon.com/20SidedStories. See ya! And don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @CandyCarterWins.

[Radio switches off. Music stops.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Gyarados!

 [Gyarados cry.]

The S.S. Dan - Part II

[Cheerful music plays; S.S. Anne theme on piano. Someone whistles, patrons chatter in the background. The trio walk across a wood floor.]

Sage:            Our trainers enter the S.S. Dan. Lots of sailors swearing and laughing.

Xander:           [quiet] So that’s what that sign means.

Skip:             [yells] Cedric! Hey! Over here, Cedric!

Cedric:           [slow] Is that my… Oh ho!

Xander:           [whispers] Holy shit, how old is this guy?

Cedric:           Little bro!

Candace:          [whispers] He’s got a babyface, though.

Skip:             Dude!

Xander:           [whispers] He sounds like—

Skip:             Check it out!

Xander:           [whispers] Like what I imagine a—

Cedric:           What is a dork like you doing here?

[Candace chuckles.]

Xander:           He’s like what a tree sounds like.

Skip:             [quiet] Shut up, man.

Candace:          Did he just call you a “dork”?

Skip:             That’s our- that’s our word. You can’t use it.

[Candace snickers.]

Cedric:           Aw, you and your nerdy little hat.

Skip:             Forget about the hat! Check out this!

Cedric:           Still wearing it—

Skip:             Dratini!

[Dratini trills.]

Cedric:           Bro.

Skip:             Yeah!

Cedric:           Skip, where did you get a Dratini?

Skip:             I caught it in the water.

Cedric:           Even your Businessman brother can’t seem to get his hands on that without buying one from the Celadon Game Corner. But they’re all outta those, nowadays.

Candace:          Well, that’s because you’re not a good Pokémon trainer. You’re just a boring Businessman.

Cedric:           Alright, who’s this little shit?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Cedric—

Candace:          [loud] My name is Candace Carter, thank you very much.

Cedric:           Is this your girlfriend?

Skip:             No.

Candace:          Ewww! Gross.

Skip:             Yeah, I know, right? I’m into Klara.

Candace:          And Nurse Joy.

Cedric:           Still? Little bro. And you haven’t—

Skip:             And this is Xander.

Xander:           [quiet] Hi. Do you have a bathroom?

Cedric:           Oh, we usually just go off the edge.

Xander:           Where’s that?

Cedric:           Uh—

Skip:             Any direction.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Alright, see you guys in a little bit.

Cedric:           Yeah, just go out that door there.

Xander:           [quiet] Alright.

[Music fades out.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Can you roll me Swiftness?

Travis:          Slips.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

Shit.

Jessica:          Oh, no.

Sage:            Ooo, failure.

Travis:          Yeah.

Sage:            So, you go out the front door and…

[Devious music plays on surf guitars, similar to the Rival theme. The door clicks open and Xander walks into the hallway. A thud is heard as he bumps into someone.]

Man:                [groans] Hey! Watch where you’re going!

Sage:            You are chest-to-chest with this guy in a purple, baggy shirt with this hair that’s kinda spiky, kinda red, kinda brown. He looks like an asshole and furthermore, a little shit.

Xander:           Sorry, sorry. I just tryin’ to find the bathroom.

Man:                The bathroom? We just go over the side here.

Xander:           Uh, uh, yeah. I- I got that. Hi, uh, sorry.

Man:                Do you talk to everybody on your way to the bathroom, little kid?

Xander:           Uh, n-no I just- I just ran- I’m sorry.

Man:                Yeah, you are. You don’t know who you’re talkin’ to, do you?

Xander:           Uh, no. I do not. I- I have no idea who you—

Blue:          I’m Blue the [mumbles] ex [normal] Champion of the Kanto League!

Xander:           What was that part in the middle?

[Beat.]

Blue:          Nothing!

[Beat.]

[Music fades out.]

[Chatter and laughter from patrons in the background.]

Cedric:           So you tellin’ me, little bro, that you think you have what it takes to beat the Pokémon League?

Skip:             Well, I mean not at this moment but Dratini and I, plus team—

Candace:          That—

Cedric:           [sneezes] Sorry. I’m just allergic to bullshit.

Candace:          You just interrupted my interjection!

Cedric:           Uh—

Skip:             And my monologue.

Cedric:           Little bro. You’re what fourteen, fifteen now? Look, the Pokémon world is just moving too fast for a kid like you. Give it a couple more years.

Skip:             What kinda Pokémon do you have?

Cedric:           I have a level 55 Cloyster. Caught it when we were out on a cruise here, couple weeks ago. Oh, not to mention my Ice Vulpix I caught in Alola.

Candace:          [awed] What? You have an Ice Vulpix?

Cedric:           That’s right.

Skip:             Don’t be too impressed. He probably bought them.

Candace:          Well—

Cedric:           I bought the Cloyster.

Skip:             Yeah. Caught it with money.

Candace:          I have a Vulpix. A fire Vulpix.

Cedric:           [scoffs] That’s so 1995.

Candace:          Uh, what? Excuse me, my aunt Clair- have you heard of Clair Carter?

Cedric:           This Ice Vulpix goes for about ₽3 million a pop. It’s a pretty rare Pokémon. You’re regular fire Vulpix, eh, you’d be lucky to score about ₽200 trading her.

Candace:          Is this a challenge for a fight?

Cedric:           No, it’s not. We do not fight on my boat.

Skip:             He also doesn’t use his Pokémon to fight because he doesn’t know how to control them.

[Running footsteps approach.]

Little Shit Zach:     Hey, hey!

[Rival entrance music.]

[pants] Uh, uh. What’re you doing here?

Candace:          Oh god!

Skip:             Zach?

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah!

Candace:          You smell disgusting!

Little Shit Zach:     I’m just here to see my cool uncle, Blue, ’cause I heard he’s on the ship.

Skip:             Well, check out my cool older brother, Cedric.

Cedric:           What’s up?

Candace:          Man, I wish my aunt was here. Y’all would be sooo stunned by her beauty and talent.

Skip:             It’s okay! We’re here. Well, I- I’m here. Xander’s somewhere around here.

[Rival guitar music resumes.]

Xander:           I don’t wanna fight you!

Blue:          I’m just saying, if you’re serious about this Pokémon League thing—

Xander:           [quiet] God, I—

Blue:          —the best thing you can do to challenge yourself would be to challenge the [mumbles] ex [normally] Champion of the Kanto League.

Xander:           I- I’m just traveling with some people that are gonna go do that. I- I caught a- a Pok—

[A door opens. Rapid footsteps approach.]

Little Shit Zach:     Blue, Blue! Uncle Blue! Hey!

Blue:          Oh, this shit again.

Candace:          Oh, Xander.

Xander:           Oh, this shit again.

Little Shit Zach:     Shut up, only he can call me that.

Xander:           What?

Little Shit Zach:     Yeah, nerd. Ain’t that right, Uncle Blue?

Blue:          Yeah.

Little Shit Zach:     ’Cause you’re the ex-P- uh, you’re the leader of the Pokémon League.

Blue:          Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh.

Little Shit Zach:     [whispers] Do you still say the “ex” or did you beat Red yet?

Xander:           He still says the “ex”.

Blue:          [shushes] Shut your fuck—

Xander:           [quiet] Still says the “ex”. He says the “ex”.

Candace:          Oh, so you’re Blue?

Blue:          Yes.

Xander:           Hey, guys.

Blue:          I’m Blue.

Candace:          Yeah. My aunt defeated you, and now she’s the Gym Leader of Viridian City.

Blue:          [laughs mockingly] That’s real funny. That’s- that’s real cool.

Candace:          Yeah. You’re a failure!

Xander:           Wow.

Blue:          [laughs mockingly] Fuck you, kid. You wanna fight? Is that what you want?

Candace:          [yells] Yeah, I do!

Blue:          Cedric, I’m gonna fight on your boat.

[Cedric and Skip approach.]

Little Shit Zach:     Hey, hey, hey! Yeah! Kick their ass!

Blue:          I’ll do it.

Cedric:           Oh, is there a fight going on in my boat?

Skip:             Whoa!

Candace:          You bet there is!

Xander:           [quiet] We don’t know yet.

Skip:             Is that Blue?

Blue:          You listen here, you upstart child.

Skip:             Hey, man. You look like you’ve been outta shape for a while.

[Beat.]

[Music quiets. Drums slowly pound.]

Blue:          [forced calm] I’m sorry. I didn’t hear that. I’m gonna pretend—

Skip:             [yells] I said, “You look like you’ve been outta shape for a while”!

[Music intensifies.]

[Xander frantically repeats “stop” in the background.]

Candace:          [yells] You’re fat and lazy!

Blue:          [shouts] I’m gonna battle you! I’m going to battle you so hard. Cedric, I’m fighting children on your boat.

Cedric:           N-now hold on, here. What level is your Arcanine?

Skip:             Candace, get ready for attack!

Cedric:           No, hey! [yells] Listen to me! [echoes]

[Music stops.]

[Beat.]

Candace:          Whoa.

Cedric:           Children.

Candace:          The tree’s talking and yelling at us.

Xander:           Shhhhh! [whispers] Shut up.

[Drum beat resumes.]

Cedric:           There will be no fighting on the S.S. Dan. We have a next stop to the Hoenn region and we’re gonna depart very shortly. All you little shits please get off my boat, except for Blue, ’cause we have some business to attend to. Some very top-secret business.

Xander:           You see anybody steal any bikes?

[Music stops. Beat.]

Cedric:           No.

Xander:           Alright. Let’s go.

[Music resumes.]

Skip:             We did our civic duty.

Xander:           We did.

Skip:             Good to see you, Bro!

Candace:          [shouts] Suck it, Blue! Hasbeen!

Little Shit Zach:     [shouts] Suck it, uh—

Candace:          [louder] You shut up, you little shithead!

Little Shit Zach:     Ah, shut up!

Candace:          I’ll tackle you!

Little Shit Zach:     No!

Candace:          I’ve got Brawn!

Little Shit Zach:     Prove it!

Candace:          Okay!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Candace!

Little Shit Zach:     No, no, don’t do that. Don’t do—

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

[Jessica cries out in victory, but quickly switches to a worried groan.]

Sage:            Candace runs at the Little Shit and he dodges outta the way, but it puts him in a worse position and he falls off the deck into the water. [stifles laughter]

[Candace cackles.]

Xander:           [horrified] Oh no!

Little Shit Zach:     [distant] Help, help!

Skip:             Alright, let’s go, guys!

Candace:          Bye!

Blue:          Nephew Zach, I got you, dude!

[Blue runs to the edge of the ship.]

Sage:            And the trainers depart the S.S. Dan.

[Song ends.]

[The trio walk down the hallway.]

Xander:           I never peed.

Sage:            There is a hallway full of rooms on your way out.

Xander:           Look, let’s just keep going.

Candace:          Why don’t we knock on every door and see what happens?

Xander:           That’s- that’s not—

Candace:          [yells] Too late!

Xander:           We have- No.

[Loud, obnoxious knocking.]

Candace:          [yells] Knock, knock, knock, knock!

Xander:           Why are you knocking so much?

Sage:            Couple of sailors open the door and say, “Shut the fuck up, I’m tryin’ to nap!”, “Shut the fuck up, it’s annoying”.

Skip:             Wow, these guys all have real bad mouths.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace, can you roll me Luck?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Alright, you knock so hard, using your Hidden Power Brawn, that you knock the door down. It’s an empty room but it’s very nice.

Candace:          [quiet] Whoa.

Sage:            It looks bigger than you would have expected looking at it from the outside.

[Suspenseful music.]

Candace:          This is like a magical room, guys.

Xander:           Candace, did you just punch that door down?

Candace:          [stifles laughter] Yes I did, okay? What else is new?

[They walk inside, padding across the carpet.]

Sage:            Looking inside, you see on the cabinet next to the bed, what’d they call that? A nightstand?

Candace:          Yeah.

[Stifled laughter.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Can you roll me Smarts, please?

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Critical success.

Greg:          Super effective.

Sage:            Candace recognizes a dark, uniform-like shirt with a red R on it.

[Dangerous music starts with a pounding, low heartbeat.]

Candace:          [quiet elation] Guys.

Skip:             Candace, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.

Candace:          [quiet elation] Oh, it’s even better than a ghost!

Skip:             What is it, Can?

Candace:          [slow] This is the uniform of Team Rocket.

Skip:             [shouts] What?

Candace:          Yeah. They’re on the boat and we’re gonna find ’em and beat ’em and then—

[Music stops. A suspenseful heartbeat throughout.]

Xander:           Or, or, or. Or. We tell someone—anyone—else with some modicum of authority and we leave. We could leave. We could go. We don’t have to try to take on a—if this is what this is—we don’t have to try to take on a crime syndicate. We could tell his older brother. It’s his boat!

Skip:             Wait. What if—

Xander:           That sounds like a great idea!

Skip:             What if my older brother…is a member?

Xander:           What? How did you come to that conclusion? [stifles laughter]

[Music suddenly stabs!]

Cedric:           Little bro!

Skip:             Oh, what’s up, big bro?

Candace:          [startled] I’m a lamp!

[Beat.]

[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]

Sage:            [amused; slow] Are you gonna try to hide as the lamp?

Jessica:          [stifles laughter] Yes!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Then you need to roll me Swiftness.

Travis:          Oh, we’re doin’ this. ’Kay.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

[Jessica chuckles in surprise.]

Sage:            Alright, critical success. Candace looks just like a lamp.

[Candace puts a lampshade on her head and stands stiff. She chuckles conspiratorially.]

[Danger music resumes.]

Cedric:           Little bro!

Skip:             Hey, what’s up, man?

Cedric:           What are you doing going through that room, little bro?

Xander:           [fast] Door fell down.

Skip:             Door fell down.

[Beat.]

Cedric:           You didn’t find anything interesting in that room, did you?

Skip:             Man, I’m scared of lookin’ through things.

Cedric:           That’s good. That’s prob’ly best. Hey, hey—

Skip:             Who’s room is this?

Cedric:           Oh, uh, Prob’ly one of the sailor’s rooms.

Skip:             [nervous] Okay.

Cedric:           One of the richer ones. Hey, little bro. You’re tryin’ to beat the Elite Four, right?

[Danger music intensifies.]

Skip:             Eventually.

Cedric:           I have an idea. Did you know that Vermilion City has a gym?

[Beat.]

Skip:             [slow] Yeah.

Cedric:           I think it'd be a good idea if you went over there and got yourself a Thunder Badge.

Skip:             [nervous] Okay.

Xander:           That was kinda on the agenda, wasn’t it?

Skip:             Yeah, that’s where we’re- we’re gonna go.

Cedric:           We gotta depart the ship very soon, little bro.

[Beat.]

Skip:             Oh, okay.

[Beat.]

Xander:           Is it cold in here?

Candace:          [whispers] I’m a lamp.

Xander:           [whispers] Shut the fuck up.

[Stifled laughter.]

Skip:             Well, I’m just gonna take this lamp, and we’re gonna go.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Music fades.]

Sage:            Roll for Charisma. [chuckles]

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Laughter from everyone.]

Critical failure.

Greg:          Hold on a second—

Cedric:           No, no. Little bro, leave the lamp right there.

[Skip drops the “lamp”. Danger music resumes.]

Skip:             I guess the lamp’s just gonna stay here for the entire cruise, then.

Candace:          [chuckles] Oh, shit.

Xander:           [whispers] What are we gaining by her hiding? I feel like he’d- I don’t think we’re—

Cedric:           Little bro, I’m gonna go to the deck and the pi—

Skip:             Big bro, I’m gonna go to Vermilion City.

Cedric:           Alright, you have a good luck there. You do that.

[Music fades.]

Skip:             [awkward] And you sail well.

[A beat passes. Cedric turns around and walks away. Suspenseful heartbeat throughout.]

Xander:           Okay. Okay. S-Skip.

[Candance takes the lampshade off and tosses it aside.]

Candace:          I’m not a lamp anymore! [pants]

Skip:             Thank god, I can take you.

Xander:           Can you remember a point in your life where your brother got hit in the head really fucking hard? Because that guy can’t make heads or tails of the English language.

Skip:             Dawg, I’m just freakin’ out because [whispers] my brother’s a member of Team R-R-R—

Candace:          [quiet] Yeah, he was hiding out the fact that the Team Rocket’s uniform was in here! Therefore, Team Rocket is staying in here!

Xander:           Okay, look, that was wei- tha- he- he got weird, but I don’t think that means it’s, you know, it’s definitely Team Rocket in here. Like, what if it’s just like—

Candace:          You- so glad you’re not a frickin’ detective—

Xander:           ’Cause?

Candace:          —because you are sucking right now. That totally means Team Rocket’s—

Skip:             What’d we do? Do we sink the ship?

[Foghorn blows.]

Skip:             Let’s go, guys! We have to get off this boat.

Xander:           Gotta get off the boat. I don’t wanna go on a cruise! I can’t afford that.

Candace:          Okay, guys! I’ve got a lighter! I’m gonna light this baby on fire!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Nnno!

Skip:             Do it!

Xander:           We gotta—

Candace:          I feel the urge!

Xander:           No! We- we d- Nuh-uh! We burned down a forest—

Candace:          I’m doin’ it! I’m doin’ it!

[Stat test chime.]

Travis:          Ah, some checks here we go.

Jessica:          Do I roll?

[Dice clatter as they’re shaken.]

Sage:            You guys fighting each other?

Travis:          Yes, we are.

Sage:            Okay, first—

Greg:          I’m assisting her. [laughs]

[Jessica chuckles.]

Sage:            Okay, uh, you’re gonna—

[Foghorn blows.]

Okay...uh. [scoffs] Okay, fine. Everybody roll off.

Travis:          Reached critical impasse.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

[Net chime.]

[Net chime.]

What the fuck!

Jessica:          [laughs and claps] All nets.

Sage:            [laughs] Everybody rolled nets.

[Lighter clicks multiple times. Foghorn blows multiple times.]

Candace:          It’s not coming on. Ah, gosh.

Skip:             Alright, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Xander:           Let’s go!

Candace:          [nervously] Okay.

[The trio run down the metal gangplank and across the road. Evil-sounding Team Rocket motif begins to build.]

Dammit, I really wanted to light that boat of fire!

Xander:           That is so not okay. Like, I’m so not cool with that as a—

Skip:             Can we find an Officer Jenny or something?

Xander:           [shouts] That was my- Yes! Please!

Candace:          Officer Jenny?

Xander:           I don’t know where we’d find one, though. All she said was “find my cousin”.

Skip:             Oh, here, let’s look at this city map.

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

Credits

[Pokémon Main Theme plays throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by Noah Sturtridge, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.

The original music from the Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

Sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Dedication

Sage:            Hey everyone, Sage here.

Hope you’re enjoying the adventure so far. Last week was an awesome period of growth for the show, so thanks to all for spreading the word and connecting with us via Twitter and whatnot.

I wanted to take a moment to dedicate this episode to Unshō Ishizuka, the original Japanese voice of Professor Oak in the Pokémon anime.

Now, since I used to watch the English dub and overall just don’t really watch much anime, I didn’t get to grow up really appreciating this guy’s body of work enough, but I know that he was hugely impactful to a lot of people. So to Ishizuka, his family, and his fans you have our condolences.

Episode 6 - Rock Tunnel Trek will premier next Wednesday so be sure to hit that subscribe button if you haven’t already.

Thanks for listening and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later!

[Main Theme music crescendos and fades out.]

#6 - Rock Tunnel Trek

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode

Air Date: September 4, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[City ambiance; Birds chirp in the background.]

Narrator:         Candace, Skip, and Xander have just discovered the possible return of the once-disbanded Team Rocket. Before heading over to Celadon City, where the gang’s hideout is rumored to be, our Trainers have made a stop at the Vermilion City Gym, ready to collect their third Badge.

[The trio walk up the sidewalk to the door of the Gym. The faint hum of electricity is heard.]

Skip:             Whoa, look at that big ol’ door.

Candace:          Should we knock on it?

Xander:           This place looks a lot like a PG&E facility. [chuckle] Or a power- this place looks like- a lot like a—

Candace:          Yeah, what the heck is a P-G-N-E?

Xander:           Shut up!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[Skip knocks on the door.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Please roll for Defense.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

Alright, you feel like it was supposed to shock you, but you’re fine.

[A faint zap is heard as electricity shoots through Skip.]

Skip:             Ooo, it tingles when you touch it, guys.

Candace:          Whoa, I wanna try!

Xander:           What? Alright, let me t- let me try.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

[Net chime.]

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            Uh, you guys are also fine.

[Another faint zap goes off as Candace and Xander are shocked.]

Xander:           [grunts] It’s fine!

[The door opens with a pressurized hiss.]

Sage:            And there is an extremely tall, extremely buff, extremely tan–somewhat sexy–Lt. Surge.

Travis:          [concerned] Do we think that? [stifles laughter]

Sage:            No, it’s just objective.

Travis:          [relieved, amused] Alright.

Lt. Surge:          Aaay, what you kids doin’ in my doorway knockin’ on my door braying so hard?

Candace:          We’re here to get our next Badge, buddy!

Lt. Surge:          [laughs] You kids think you got the spark plugs in ya ta spark on down old Lt. Surge?

Xander:           What?

Lt. Surge:          Oh, you?

[Xander chuckles nervously.]

Ah, I can see the electricity in your eyes.

Xander:           [quiet] Ah, shit. Not ag- no.

Lt. Surge:          You wanna go up against me, don’t ’cho?

Xander:           [quiet] Not again.

Lt. Surge:          Man.

Xander:           No. N—

Candace:          We do! Hello, we’re a team!

Xander:           Absolutely.

Candace:          We’re called the Dream Police!

Skip:             Dratini, go!

[Skip tosses a Poke Ball and Dratini exists with a whoosh.]

Lt. Surge:          Go, Pika!

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 6 - Rock Tunnel Trek

[Gym Battle music!]

Skip:             Dratini, let’s put this baby to sleep! Sing ’em a great song. A song of Thunder Wave!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Xander:           That was so- you buried the lead on that so hard.

Lt. Surge:          I see you know a Thunder Wave, huh? That’s pretty good for not being, you know, [stammers] legitimately, like, only thunder Pokémon.

Xander:           He’s not doin’ anything.

Lt. Surge:          But this guy right here, my Pika, he’s got a move you don’t even know about. It’s called Thunder Shock. Do it, buddy!

[Pikachu cries out, electricity crackles.]

Xander:           Thunder Wave didn’t do anything to Pikachu.

Candace:          Yeah, what the heck?

Skip:             That’s okay because Dratini wasn’t affected by his Thunder Shock. And you know what? Pikachu will be affected by a Twister.

[Dratini trills. Heavy wind rushes.]

Candace:          Oh, nice!

Skip:             Bring the spin, baby!

[Twister picks up Pikachu and flings him across the room.]

Candace:          Whoa! That did it, wow!

Lt. Surge:          Oh, man.

[Pikachu slams into a wall.]

Xander:           He got- he hit the back wall.

Lt. Surge:          Pikachu do your- oh, wait. You Flinched? Ah, do I- what’d you do that for, Pikachu?

[Pikachu groans. A thud is heard as it faints.]

Skip:             Great job, Dratini! You’re not even breakin’ a sweat!

[A whoosh is heard as Pikachu returns to its Poke Ball.]

Lt. Surge:          See, what you don’t know is that the walls here are connected to a power generator on the roof. So if you hit the walls, BOOM, BABY!

[Rumbling is heard as the walls move. A second Pikachu enters the fight.]

Skip:             Another Pikachu?

Lt. Surge:          That’s right. You see, years ago I was annihilated by this little shit from Pallet Town—goes by the name of Red—and he totally just wiped me clean with a single Pikachu! Could you believe that?

Skip:             Wow, this has been a real snooze fest, buddy. You know what else is goin’ to sleep? Your Pikachu! Thunder Wave!

[Thunder Wave zaps.]

Xander:           It looks like it doesn’t affect Pikachu. He did it again, but nothing happened the first time either. It’s amazing, it’s like he’s not learning from his mistakes. [stifles laughter]

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Lt. Surge:          [amused] It’s like tryin’ to put a fire out with more fire.

[Music fades. A rumble is heard as Skip enters internal dialogue.]

Skip:             [thoughts echo] Wow, I’m learning from experience—

Xander:           Oh?

Skip:             —as I continue to battle.

Xander:           Oh, there it is.

Skip:             [thoughts echo] This is exhilarating. I think I gotta switch up my tactics.

[A chime is heard as he returns to reality. Battle music resumes.]

Hey, guess what, buddy? This match ain’t over. Twister!

[Dratini trills and a Twister blows toward Pikachu.]

Lt. Surge:          You know what, Pikachu? I want you a little bit faster. Use your Agility attack, okay? I’m tired of seeing you not go so fast, little buddy.

[Rapid swishing as Pikachu runs around in a blur.]

Xander:           [groans] Oh god, there’s four of them. Ugh! [relieved] Oh, okay there’s just one now.

Lt. Surge:          Pikachu number two, use your Thunder Shock!

[Pikachu growls, electricity crackles.]

Skip:             Come on, Dratini, power out of it!

Xander:           [quietly] Oh, shit.

Skip:             Let’s spin around and Twist this mother.

Xander:           She didn’t- she’s Paralyzed.

[Dratini trills weakly.]

Candace:          [worried] Dratini.

Lt. Surge:          Let’s turn it up a notch, okay?

[The walls move inward with a rumble. Dratini trills.]

I’ll move the walls in closer. See, they’re on a- they’re on some platform—

[Dratini rushes forward and strikes. Pikachu groans and falls to the ground.]

Xander:           Yo! Your Pikachu just fainted!

Lt. Surge:          Oh. Oh, what’d you do that for, Pikachu?

[Pikachu returns.]

Okay, here we go, buddy! Pikachu number three. I—

[Raichu cries out as it enters the fight.]

Oh, nope. Just kidding, I threw the wrong ball. It’s Raichu!

Skip:             Whoa!

Candace:          Get your head on straight, bucko! You don’t even know what Pokémon you have.

Lt. Surge:          [growls] I love my Pokémon! Don’t you ever say that you little—

Skip:             Whoa, a Raichu!

Xander:           What is that?

Skip:             That’s way more strong than a Pikachu! I’m assuming. I guess I’m really gonna have to step up my game for this next battle. I think I’m gonna try to change things up on his tactics so to throw him off. Dratini! Twister!

[Heavy wind flies toward Raichu.]

Candace:          [whines] You’re not doing what you’re saying!

Lt. Surge:          Yo, Raichu, why don’t you Body Slam?

[Raichu growls and rushes forward. A sickening thwack is heard as Dratini is hit. Xander groans in horror.]

Make that little worm Paralyzed. Hoo wa!

Xander:           Ohhhhhh!

Candace:          Oh, dang it. Dratini.

Skip:             Whoa.

Xander:           That was violent!

Skip:             Alright, Dratini, you did a good job out there. But it’s time to let my team finish this up.

Xander:           What?

Skip:             Xander, get out there!

Xander:           Oh, what the hell- oh god. Alright, uh, uh—

Lt. Surge:          Who’s this guy right here? What’s he gonna throw out?

Xander:           Uh.

Skip:             Dratini, come back!

[Dratini returns to its Ball.]

Xander:           Water...conducts elec- Alright, Ramona!

Lt. Surge:          Romona?

[Pidgey exits its Poké Ball and chirps.]

Oh, look at that. It’s a little Pidgey. Body Slam!

[Raichu growls and bolts at Pidgey. A heavy thwack is heard and Xander and Skip groan in horror.]

Candace:          [concerned] Ramona. [yells] She’s so, so little! How could you do that?

Xander:           It’s a bird, you sick bastard!

Lt. Surge:          See, when I went to Celadon got me this Thunder Stone at that giant wall mart they got there—[mumbles] with two Ls—the Thunder Stone made my Pikachu into this big-ass Raichu.

Xander:           [quickly] Ramona, use Tackle.

[Wings flap as Pidgey flies at Raichu. A thud is heard and Raichu growls.]

Lt. Surge:          And that Raichu totally learned cool things like Thunderbolt!

[Raichu growls, electricity crackles and pops. Xander groans in horror and pants.]

Oh, look. You can see the little bird’s electric lighting body.

[Pidgey chirps weakly and collapses with a thud.]

Candace:          [concerned] Oh, Ramona.

[Pidgey returns to its Ball.]

Xander:           Alright. Uh, Mudkip.

[Mudkip joins the fight.]

Lt. Surge:          Mudkip?

Candace:          Mudkip! GO!

Mudkip:        Mud!

Xander:           Mudkip.

Mudkip:        Kip!

Xander:           Alright, let’s try this new stuff out. Let’s try, uh, Mud-Slap.

[Mud sloshes. Raichu blurs forward and slams into Mudkip. Mudkip cries out in pain and faints.]

Lt. Surge:          Thanks, little buddy. You don’t even get it.

Xander:           Ohh! I’m...paralyzed with embarrassment.

Lt. Surge:          I’m movin’ the walls in closer.

[Rumbling as the walls move.]

Candace:          [worried] Okay, okay. Pixie, go!

[Vulpix exits its Poké Ball.]

Lt. Surge:          Pixie? Oh, that’s a cute little Vulpix. Yeah.

[Vulpix cries out cutely.]

[coos] Hello.

Candace:          Nice, Pixie! Alright, Ember!

[Flames fly at Raichu.]

Skip:             Come on, Candace!

Candace:          Bringin’ the fire, bringin’ the fire!

Lt. Surge:          Raichu, do the thing that I told my Pikachu to do. Make the Agility ten times faster.

[Rapid swishing as Raichu runs so fast it blurs.]

Xander:           Oh god there’s four of them. Eh...

Lt. Surge:          No, no, even faster. I want there to be eight Raichus, okay?

Xander:           Oh god, there’s a lot to look at.

Candace:          This is terrifying, um. Pixie, uh, Ember again!

[Vulpix coughs, flames whoosh. Candace groans in satisfaction.]

Nice!

Skip:             You’re really feelin’ the burn now!

Candace:          Yeah! Pixie’s bringin’ in the heat.

[Raichu rushes forward and smashes Vulpix. Vulpix collapses and Candace gasps.]

Lt. Surge:          Yeah, that’s right. I did what the three got did.

Candace:          Oh, no. Pixie fainted. [groans]

Lt. Surge:          I did my little Body Slam again. Look, she looks like a little fox pancake.

Candace:          Alright, um...I’m so sorry, Pixie!

[Vulpix returns to its Ball.]

Candace:          I guess I’ll have to use Abra. But I don’t know. I gotta get my Pokédex out, ’cause I don’t even know what Abra can do.

Pokédots:       [beep] Abra does not know any moves.

Candace:          Uh-oh.

[A whoosh is heard as a Pokemon exits its Poké Ball.]

Skip:             Dratini, Twister!

[Dratini trills, heavy wind rushes.]

Lt. Surge:          Okay, fine. Whatever you say. Thunderbolt!

[Raichu growls, electricity crackles and pops.]

Yeah, right baby.

[Music cuts off. A thud is heard as Dratini faints.]

Candace:          [quiet] Oh.

Xander:           Wow. We- we lost.

[Beat.]

Skip:             [quiet] Hey, guys—

Lt. Surge:          Get outta my gym.

[Laughter.]

Skip:             [angry] Shut up, man! We’re gonna leave on our own time! We really took you to the test!

Xander:           Nah. I- I wanna go.

Skip:             You may have beaten us, but you just barely got by on us kids!

Xander:           I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna be here anymore.

Skip:             We showed our fortitude, our power, and our will to dominate!

Xander:           [quiet] Mm, gonna go out—

Lt. Surge:          I will call Officer Jenny—

Xander:           [mutters] I’m gonna go outside.

Lt. Surge:          —if you are not out of here in 30 minutes.

[Candace begins to cry.]

Skip:             Is this, like, you’re not allowed to be within X amount of feet of kids for this long?

Xander:           [quiet] Hey, you okay?

Lt. Surge:          Ya’ll will be trespassing at that point in time.

Xander:           [quiet] Are you okay?

Candace:          [cries] I’ve never lost before.

Xander:           Oh my god, really? Oh.

Candace:          [cries] I- I’ve always won. Or- or someone gave up and they said I could win or my mommy and daddy bought the competition, so like—

[Candace dissolves into squeaking sobs.]

—I don’t know how to deal with failure.

Xander:           [concerned] Oh, Candace. Candace. Oh my god, come here.

[He walks over to Candace.]

[stammers] Uh, here, I’ll hug…

[Clothes rustle as Xander hugs her.]

Candace:          [sobs] Mister, please give me a Badge!

Lt. Surge:          Whoa! Whoa, whoa. [quiet] Buddy.

Xander:           Who, me?

Lt. Surge:          Yeah. You really care about your friend, don’t ya?

[Candace weeps.]

Xander:           Well, yeah. She doesn’t know what it’s like to ose. Like that’s… I don’t know what’s gonna happen to her in the world. [nervous chuckle]

Lt. Surge:          Man. That really sends a shockwave [emotional] through my heart.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace, can you roll for Luck, and Xander roll for Charisma.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

Lt. Surge:          You know what, kid? You care about your two friends here, don’t cha?

Xander:           Yeah.

Lt. Surge:          Well how ’bout I gives you one of these delicious-lookin’ Thunder Badges?

[Gym Victory music.]

Xander:           ...We didn’t win.

[Candace cries harder.]

Skip:             Thank you! I’ll be taking that!

[Skip snatches the Badge.]

Lt. Surge:          Hey!

Skip:             Great job, team! I knew we could do it!

Candace:          Wait, what?

Xander:           We got it.

Skip:             Look!

Candace:          [tearful] Oh! We got the badge!

Xander:           [mutters] I don’t feel good about this.

Skip:             Because of our hard work, determination, and dominating force!

Xander:           What?

Skip:             Dream Police! Cartwheel!

Xander:           None of that—

[Skip runs across the metal floor and cartwheels.]

Candace:          [tearful] Uh, Dream Police, somersault!

[Candace somersaults and does her best to stifle her crying.]

Lt. Surge:          [confused] What’s going on?

Skip:             [stage whispers] Come on, join the tableau, Xander.

Xander:           We’re gonna go. We’re gonna go. Let’s go.

[He pushes the others toward the door.]

Sorry, thank you.

[Music fades out.]

Sage:            And so, our trainers cross North, into Saffron City which will lead them to Celadon City. But before they can get into Saffron, they are stopped at a checkpoint. Interior, with a single guard behind a counter.

[Gentle 8-bit music plays on a radio.]

Skip:             Hi there! This is the Dream Police. We need to pass by.

Guard:          I’m thirsty.

Skip:             Oh. Uh, d’you want a sip from my canteen?

[Skip pulls his canteen from his pack. Water sloshes inside.]

Guard:          Sure, I guess.

Skip:             You don’t have to.

Guard:          No, here, I’ll ha- I’ll have some.

Skip:             Okay, here you go.

[The Guard twists the cap off.]

Candace:          Is there anything else we need?

[The Guard swallows noisily.]

Guard:          Ah, it’s not very good.

Skip:             It’s water. Give me my canteen back.

[A swish and a hollow thunk are heard as Skip snatches the metal canteen back.]

Guard:          Here you go, kid.

[Water sloshes in the canteen.]

Skip:             Can we pass?

Guard:          No, road’s closed.

Candace:          Are you hungry?

Guard:          I just said I’m thirsty.

Candace:          Are you hungry, though?

Skip:             Yeah, like, what do we need to bribe you with?

[Beat.]

Guard:          Tea.

Xander:           So the road’s not closed?

[Candace groans.]

Guard:          Oh, it’s closed.

Xander:           But we can go through it.

Guard:          No.

Skip:             If we bring you tea.

[Beat.]

Guard:          Maybe.

[Beat.]

Skip:             [irked] No, I need a definite “yes” or “no” if I’m going to go on a tea quest for you.

Guard:          I’m thirsty.

Xander:           [mutters] God, let’s just go get him some fucking tea.

Skip:             Does anybody have a tea bag?

Candace:          [whispers] Where’d they even have tea?

Skip:             I don’t know, like any shop.

Xander:           Any restaurant, I guess. This is…

Candace:          Sir, I have a delicious, wonderful peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Guard:          That sounds great, but I’m really thirsty.

Candace:          Uck. Fine, whatever, let’s go get tea.

Xander:           That’ll make him more thirsty if anything.

Sage:            And then suddenly, there is this blinding light coming from Xander’s pocket.

[Xander screams.]

Xander:           It’s gonna explode! What the f- AH, aaah!

[He frantically zips his backpack open.]

Skip:             Well, drop it! Drop it!

[Xander continues screaming. A Poké Ball falls to the ground and rolls away. He scampers away.]

Candace:          What is that?

Xander:           Oh shit. [yells] Everybody get down!

[Everybody screams.]

Sage:            A beam of light bursts from the Poké Ball!

Candace:          My eyes!

Sage:            You see the poor, stupid-ass Mudkips evolve.

[Mudkip cries out. Sloshing and cracking are heard as it transforms.]

Xander:           [yells] Ah, what’s happening? Ah, what’s happening?

Sage:            Slowly it morphs.

Candace:          I think Mudkip’s evolving!

Xander:           [yells] He’s what?

Sage:            Muddy Waters has become Marshtomp.

[Beat.]

[Marshtomp coughs.]

Xander:           [hesitant] Oh.

Muddy Waters:         Marshtomp.

Xander:           [disappointed] Ohh… What?

Candace:          Oh, it’s got- it’s like he went through puberty.

Skip:             Cool dude.

[Beat.]

Muddy Waters:         Marshtomp!

Xander:           [slow] Hey. Ok... [whispers] Wha- wha- what happened?

Candace:          So your Pokémon evolved.

Skip:             It’s better now.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh. [normal] Oh, like when… Oh! Oh my god, you could evolve? I had no idea! Wow!

Candace:          It’s like when you went through puberty.

Xander:           I… Still there. [chuckles]

Candace:          It’s like right now when you’re going through puberty, except...well, this is like the preteen stage.

Xander:           Yeah, you know what?

Skip:             It’s not as cute anymore.

Xander:           I- okay, I feel like this is now becoming more of an analogy than I- or a metaphor than I would like it to.

Guard:          Gee, I’m thirsty.

Xander:           [yells] Fine!

Skip:             I think your—

Xander:           [yells] We’ll go!

Skip:             —Marshtomp is thirsty, ’cause it still has that cough.

[Beat.]

Guard:          Can’t cross through here.

Xander:           [yells] Oh my god!

[Sage chuckles.]

Guard:          Road’s closed. If you, uh, need to go up North, just take the underground road—

[Footsteps fade away.]

Xander:           [distant; yells] Yeah, yeah, yeah! We’re gonna go do it!

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Electabuzz!

 [Electabuzz cry.]

Rock Tunnel Trek - Part II

[Birds chirp in the background. Footsteps crunch on dirt.]

Zach:            [excited] So where we goin’?

Blue:          We aren’t going anywhere. You’re going home.

Zach:            I- I don’t wanna- I don’t wanna walk home it’s- it’s really far!

Blue:          You don’t have a Pokémon that can Fly you home yet?

Zach:            No, not- not yet.

Blue:          I thought you were serious about this.

Zach:            Look, Uncle Blue—

Blue:          I got more important things to do than help you on your pet project, okay?

Zach:            B-but you said—

Blue:          I gotta go.

Zach:            You said- you said- you said a while ago that you would help me!

Blue:          Maybe I did say that. I’m- I- I don’t know. I’ve gotta go do something right now? Okay? I’m busy.

Zach:            Well, then I- how ‘bout I just come with you?

Blue:          You—

Zach:            Uncle Blue, Uncle Blue, come on!

[Footsteps stop. A beat passes.]

Blue:          [sighs] Okay, fine. Whatever. What- what- what Pokémon do you have? What d’you have?

Zach:            Uh, Tangela.

Blue:          You have a Tangela?

Zach:            Yeah.

Blue:          What level is it?

Zach:            [hesitant] 13?

Blue:          [sighs] Okay, I can work with this. Okay, so… Fine. Sure, fine. Come on.

[Footsteps crunch on dirt.]

Zach:            Alright! Yeah, yeah! Screw you, uh, uh, Candace and- and uh… [clears throat]

Blue:          Who’re you talking to?

Zach:            Uh, myself.

Blue:          [quietly] I understand where that lives. I’m gonna getcha Red. I’mma getcha.

Zach:            What? Who’re you talking to?

Blue:          Nobody. Myself.

Zach:            Okay.

Blue:          Don’t ask so many questions!

Zach:            Should we go through Diglett Tunnel or should we keep going east?

Blue:          No, we’re gonna keep going east.

Zach:            To- to- to- to Lav-Lav-Lavender—

Blue:          Lavender Town?

Zach:            —Town?

[Zach stammers.]

Blue:          You scared?

Zach:            No, no, no. [false bravado] No, I’m not scared. [nervous chuckle] You catch some, uh, [quavering] Ghost Pokémon?

Blue:          You ever caught a Ghost Pokémon before?

[Murkrow crowing in the background throughout.]

Zach:            [false bravado] I will today! Or tom- [quavering] How long does it take to get there?

Blue:          I don’t know. Like...five minutes if we walk really fast.

Zach:            Oh, shit. Okay... Hey, Uncle Blue.

Blue:          Yes?

[Footsteps stop.]

Zach:            Thanks.

[Beat.]

Blue:          Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Come on.

[Footsteps resume.]

Losin’ time.

[Music intensifies before cutting off.]

[Misadventure music. Footsteps crunch on dirt.]

Xander:           So I don’t understand. Is it like a different Pokémon now? Or like…it’s—

Candace:          [irked] Oh my god. It’s just like a more experienced version of the Pokémon.

[Xander stammers.]

Skip:             It’s stronger.

Candace:          Yes.

Skip:             It might be faster.

Xander:           Oh, wow. Okay. This is actually kind of exciting.

Candace:          [irked] Yeah.

Xander:           Whoa!

Candace:          [miffed] Congrats. Congradumalations.

Xander:           Thank y—

Candace:          [miffed] You’re the first one that got a Pokémon to be evolved. Like, you’re so great. I’m so excited to have you right now.

Skip:             Hey, Candace, can I talk to you for a second?

Candace:          What?

Skip:             [quiet] Are you okay?

Candace:          Yes, I’m fine.

Skip:             It’s just that, Xander’s finally becoming a happy person. I don’t wanna lose that. And you’re bringin’ ’im down with your jealousy.

Candace:          I’m not jealous.

Xander:           [distant] Hey, Marshtomp! Do somethin’!

[Mud bubbles and flings everywhere.]

Alright!

Skip:             Look how happy he is.

Candace:          Uck, well, fine! I’ll tone it down.

Skip:             You’re gonna evolve. It’s gonna happen.

Candace:          I am evolved. Okay?

Skip:             I meant your Pokémon. Your Pokémon will evolve.

[Xander runs back to the others.]

Xander:           [yells] Guys! Guys! Look at how much mud he can throw now!

[Muddy Waters growls and hurls more mud blobs.]

Candace:          [forced cheer] Oh my god! That’s amazing! [irked] Is that better?

Xander:           [laughs] It’s everywhere!

Sage:            And then a Hiker comes from the overpass just comin’ on strollin’ with a little walkin’ stick and a big ol’ backpack.

Skip:             Hey, dude.

Xander:           [yells] Hey! My- my Mudkip evolved!

Hiker:          Uh, great.

Xander:           Thanks!

Hiker:          I just came from the Rock Tunnel.

Skip:             Is there anything for us to look out for as we venture down this Rock Tunnel?

Hiker:          Well, it’s the only way to get to Lavender Town. Don’t know if you’ve been there before. I’ve heard some weird things.

Skip:             Like what?

Hiker:          Like creepy… Lots of dead Pokémon.

Skip:             Are you talkin’ about deceased as in g-g—

Xander:           I feel a speech impediment coming on.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Skip:             G-g-g—

Candace:          Oh god, you’re right.

[Beat.]

Hiker:          Yeah, ghosts. Yeah.

Skip:             Okay.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Um—

Xander:           You got any tea?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Hiker:          I have coffee.

Xander:           That’s a diuretic, that won’t work.

Candace:          Where would I find, in Cerulean City, the place where they might have different Stones, um, sir?

Hiker:          Uh, you want Stones?

Candace:          Yes.

Hiker:          You’re gonna need to go to Celadon City.

Candace:          Yes.

Hiker:          They got a big mall there.

Candace:          Oooo. Are- are- I thought we were in Celadon City. Or we’re—

Hiker:          No, you’re in- you’re at the entrance to Cerulean City.

Candace:          Oh.

Hiker:          Home of the Cascade Badge. Did ya guys get one o’ those yet?

Skip:             Yeah. Check it out.

[Skip shows off the Badge.]

Hiker:          Nifty. Hey, what’s that little disk there?

[Misadventure music.]

Skip:             Don’t worry about it.

Candace:          Yeah, that was a…gift from a friend.

Hiker:          Looks like that’s a ring holder for a couple of HMs that you’ve earned. Do you even know how to use those?

[Beat.]

Candace:          [quiet] Totally.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace can you roll me Smarts.

Jessica:          [quiet] Yeah.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Pokemon exit their Poké Balls. Static sounds oscillate.]

Sage:            After putting disks on the heads of all the Pokémon, they find that, along with the Thunder Badge, they were awarded HM Flash. And that Candace’s Abra learned the move Flash.

[Excited-suspense music strums on electric guitar.]

Candace:          [slow] Oh my Pokéman!

Xander:           What?

Candace:          [quiet] Abra learned a new move.

Xander:           What does it do? Let’s do it! Show it. Does it throw mud everywhere? [chuckles]

Candace:          Even better and cooler! It’s a Flash!

Xander:           Show us! What does it- make ’im- can he do it? Can he do it now?

Candace:          Can he do it, Pokédex?

Pokédots:       Flash. Lights up rooms.

Xander:           Awesome.

Candace:          So, Pokédex, it’s not, uh, an attack move?

Pokédots:       Lowers the accuracy of the enemy Pokémon.

Candace:          Oh. Okay.

Xander:           Oh, inter—

Skip:             Bust it out! Bust it out!

Xander:           Yeah, let’s try it!

[Music builds.]

Candace:          Alright.

Xander:           If it just makes light, nothing can go wrong.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll one dF, Jessica, for Abra.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Success! Now everybody please roll me Defense.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Net chime.]

[Failure chime.]

So we have a success, a net, and a critical fail. Candace just looks right at the Abra covers her eyes for a sec.

Candace:          Ah, that’s a little bright.

Sage:            Meanwhile, with a blinding burst of light, Xander and Skip fall on the ground, can’t see shit.

[Shrill flash. Music stops. Two separate thuds are heard as Skip and Xander collapse, groaning in pain.]

Candace:          Guys, what’s wrong?

Xander:           [moans] I can’t see anything, that was so bright.

Candace:          Well, you can’t look directly at it.

Xander:           [groans] It said, “Lights up a room”!

Candace:          I guess the Pokédex needs to update its information.

Xander:           I’m just gonna lie down here for a while.

Pokédots:       Useful for caves, such as the Kanto Rock Tunnel.

[Adventure-inspiring music.]

Candace:          Oooo, guys. This is very convenient that my Pokémon just learned this new cool move, because we can walk through the Rock Tunnel.

Xander:           Great.

Candace:          With light.

Xander:           That’ll go real well with my blindness.

Candace:          You’re not bli—

Xander:           ’Cause I think I’m blind now.

Candace:          You’re not blind.

Xander:           [grumpy] See who’s right about that.

[Skip wakes up and splutters.]

Candace:          Well, let’s go put this to use! Let’s go through the Rock Tunnel!

Xander:           Skip? Is that you? I can’t see anything.

Skip:             I just woke up.

Xander:           Let me feel your face.

[Rustling in the grass as Skip and Xander feel around.]

Skip:             Let me feel yours.

Candace:          What’re you guys gonna, like, kiss now or, like, what?

Skip:             No, we’re just feeling faces!

Xander:           No I ju— [sighs]

Candace:          Yeah. Next step, kissin’ faces.

Skip:             Yeah, whatever. If I was gonna kiss anybody it would be—

[Music stops. Beat.]

Let’s go guys.

[Jessica and Travis stifle laughter.]

[Adventure-inspiring music resumes.]

Sage:            Through several days of traveling northeast, past Cerulean City and beyond Route 9, the Dream Police have leveled up a bit and their Pokémon learned some new moves.

Such as Pixie, the Vulpix, who now knows Quick Attack and Confuse Ray.

[Level up chime.]

And Dratini, the Dratini, who now knows Dragon Rage.

[Level up chime.]

Night has fallen and they arrive at the entrance to the Rock Tunnel.

[Music fades out.]

[Crickets chirp and owls hoot in the background.]

Candace:          Told you it’d be okay.

Xander:           Still seein’ shadows, man.

Skip:             Alright, we need somethin’ to light this campsite up.

Candace:          Vulpix go. Embers.

[Pixie cries out as she exits her Ball. She coughs and flames crackle in the campfire.]

[Gentle guitar music.]

Sage:            A, uh, park regulator- whatever y- Park Ranger.

[Laughter.]

Walks by—

Travis:          I’m here to check the meter on the trees.

[Laughter.]

Candace:          Vulpix, return.

[Pixie returns to her Poké Ball.]

Skip:             It’s a fire-combater!

Park Ranger:       Hey there, kids.

Candace:          Hi.

Skip:             Hey.

Xander:           Hello.

Park Ranger:       It’s a little bit past curfew. Are you travelers?

Candace:          Yup.

Skip:             Yeah! We need to make camp.

Park Ranger:       Hmm. I’m a Ranger.

Skip:             Ah, so you can help us!

Park Ranger:       Oh, uh, you should probably get over to a city or somethin’. Er, where’d you guys come from?

Candace:          I’m- we’re originally from Pallet Town if that’s what you were asking.

[Fire crackles.]

Park Ranger:       Okay. That’s pretty damn far.

Xander:           We just came from—

Candace:          Yeah, we’re traveling!

Xander:           Cerule- Vermili- We came from Vermilion—

Candace:          Ceridion?

Xander:           —back to Cerulean—

Candace:          I think we were in Ceridion.

Xander:           —tryin’a go to Celadon—

Park Ranger:       Alright, I’m just gonna tell you, you prob’ly shouldn’t have campsite out here. It—

Skip:             Alright, so far so helpful.

Park Ranger:       Okay.

Skip:             What next?

Park Ranger:       Well—

Skip:             You’re an adult.

Park Ranger:       If you’re goin’ through the Rock Tunnel, children, please be careful. Make sure you got Flash. Does any o’ your Pokémon know Flash?

Xander:           Yeah.

Candace:          Uh, yes. I have an Abra who knows Flash.

Park Ranger:       Great. Uh, best of luck. You’re allowed to set up some campsites in the tunnel.

Candace:          Well, I ge- so you want us to move camp into the tunnel?

Park Ranger:       You have to move here. Yeah. Get outta the way. This is the entrance.

Candace:          Oh, oh, okay. Just—

[She twists the top off of her canteen.]

Skip:             Thanks, dude.

Candace:          [quiet] Put out the fire.

[Fire hisses as she dumps water on it.]

Xander:           Is there anything we should be worried about in the tunnel?

Sage:            He’s gone.

Xander:           Oh.

[Laughter.]

Skip:             Wait—

Xander:           That guy just disappeared. [chuckle]

Skip:             I don’t even see any footsteps.

[Eerie screech in the background.]

Candace:          [quiet] Whoa.

Xander:           [quiet] Was that...

Skip:             I think he’s one of those...

[Candace gasps quietly.]

He’s a- he’s a g-g—

Candace:          Oh god.

Skip:             A g-g—

Xander:           It’s a trigger word or something’.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             A g-g-g-g—

Candace:          [yells] Out with it!

Xander:           Let’s go. [chuckles]

Skip:             Alright, let’s go.

[Eerie music.]

Sage:            Our trainers enter the Rock Tunnel. There are familiar vibes to Mt. Moon but the deeper they go, the more these vibes slip away.

Candace:          Oh, it’s really kinda creepy in here.

Sage:            There are no shimmering Moon Stones. There are no faint vocals of Jigglypuff in the distance. Rock Tunnel is a scary place and you’re all gonna roll me Luck.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

Alright, everybody succeeds, plus we have two critical successes.

Jessica:          Sweet.

Sage:            They find a perfect little perch to set up a campfire and because you rolled criticals, it goes well.

[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]

Candace:          Nice one, Pixie.

[Pixie grunts quietly.]

Sage:            But they start hearing weird noises.

[Creepy chittering in the background.]

Candace:          [quiet] Whoa.

Skip:             Dragonair, uh, sorry, Dratini—

Xander:           [chuckles] Dream big.

Skip:             [chuckles] Dratini.

Dratini:         Brrr?

Skip:             Uh, just- just be on the ready, buddy.

Dratini:         Brr!

Skip:             Cool. Hey, oh! This is a great time to practice somethin’! Down that- down that cavern. Why don’t you give, uh, Dragon Rage a try?

[Dratini trills and an electric hum builds. Flames whoosh and echo through the cave.]

Xander:           That was, like, a lot of blue swirling li—

Skip:             Flames?

Xander:           I don’t understand anything these things do. What happened?

Candace:          Was that water or fire?

Skip:             Lot of- lot of blue fire?

Xander:           That’s amazing.

Sage:            The purple light illuminates down a tunnel and then they see, coming out from behind a boulder, scared for its life, this weird-looking crab thing.

[Chittering echoes through the cave.]

Xander:           Ugh, it looks like a hamburger bun with eyes.

Candace:          I’m hungry. It looks delicious.

Xander:           That a Pokémon or like a—

[Pokémon shrieks.]

Candace:          Oh.

Skip:             It’s scared of us.

[Pokémon shrieks.]

Xander:           What is that?

Skip:             Pokédex!

Candace:          Hey. hey, little buddy.

Xander:           What’s it doing? Yeah, what’s this?

Skip:             Tell me what this is.

[Pokédex clicks open and beeps as it powers up.]

Pokédex:        Kabutops. An ancient extinct Pokémon.

Xander:           I- I- again, this is false!

Pokédex:        I mean, Kabuto—

Xander:           This is objectively not true.

Skip:             Hold on, hold on. Let me shake it.

[Rustling is heard as Skip shakes the Pokédex. Light static crackles.]

Xander:           Update this OS.

Skip:             Pokédot, what is it?

[Pokemon chitters. The Pokédex warbles, crackles, and fades out.]

[dejected] Alright.

Candace:          Uh, let me ask mine. Pokédex!

[Backpack zips open.]

Xander:           Yours is busted.

[Pokédex clicks open.]

Candace:          What is this?

Pokédots:       [beep] Kabuto.

[Beat.]

Candace:          Uh.

Skip and Xander:   Anything else?

[The Pokédex beeps as it searches its database.]

Candace:          Any more information?

Pokédots:       [beep] Extinct fossil Pokémon.

Candace:          [gaps] It’s extinct?

Skip:             Not anymore.

Pokédots:       [beep] It is a Rock-type and a Water-type.

Candace:          Whoa!

Xander:           [quiet] That’s crazy.

Skip:             We just made a huge discovery guys.

Candace:          [awed] We did.

Xander:           Wait, actually, we should catch it.

Pokédots:       [beep] Most likely recovered from a found fossil in Mount Moon.

Candace:          I’ll catch it!

[Suspensful drums begin to pound.]

Skip:             Here’s my spare Poké Ball.

Xander:           Dino DNA?

Candace:          Wait! My- my, uh, Vulpix will do some good damage to it. Vulpix.

[Pixie cries out.]

Candace:          Time to get this little bucko Confused.

Xander:           [quiet] Wait a second. Didn’t it say Water/Rock-type? I don’t know if this is gonna go- Uh-oh.

Skip:             It’s gonna go uh-oh.

Candace:          Uh, Confuse Ray.

[Electronic warbling is heard as the Ray shoots forward.]

Xander:           Oh! That was crazy!

Sage:            The Pok- Your Pokédex start lighting up and making weird noises.

Skip:             It’s liftin’ up all these rocks in the darkness and chuckin’ ’em!

Xander:           [frantic] Uh, duck, duck, duck!

[Rocks smash against the cave wall near the group.]

Pokédots:       [beep] Unknown Pokémon move. Most likely of ancient origin.

Candace:          Oh my gosh! Okay, Pixie. Ember.

[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh. Kabuto chitters and shrieks angrily.]

Xander:           Oh, you might be punching above your weight-class here.

Candace:          Oh. I mixed it all up.

[Kabuto surges forward and hits Pixie. Xander groans in concern.]

I thought Fire Pokémon—

Skip:             Tag me in!

Candace:          Okay, go.

[A whoosh is heard as Pixie returns.]

Skip:             Dratini, get out there.

[Dratini trills.]

Alright, let’s put this baby to sleep. Rock-a-bye baby Kabuto! It’s Thunder Wave time.

[Dratini trills, Thunder Wave zaps.]

Xander:           I think it worked. It’s not movin’ anymore.

Skip:             That’s right, ’cause it’s all sleepy and such. Alright, let’s wrap things up. Dragon Rage!

[Dratini trills. An electric hum builds and flames rush at Kabuto.]

Xander:           Ooooooooh, that looks so cool.

Candace:          Whoa!

Xander:           Oh!

[Kabuto screeches in agony.]

Skip:             Quick, catch it! Catch it!

[Kabuto collapses with a thud.]

Candace:          Okay, I’m gonna throw a Poké Ball at it!

Xander:           It’s gone! You burned it to death.

[Music stops.]

Candace:          [sad] Oh, no.

[Beat.]

Skip:             You said you guys were hungry, though, right?

[Beat.]

[Crunching and chewing. Fire crackles.]

Candace:          Wow, it kinda tastes like a hamburger.

Skip:             It tastes kinda like an Ekans.

Xander:           Like- like really old clams. [chuckles]

Candace:          Wow, we all have very different taste buds.

Xander:           Yeah, did not agree on this at all. [chuckles]

[Candace chuckles.]

Skip:             Well, we come from a very diverse palate…town.

[Candace chuckles mockingly.]

[Beat.]

Skip:             G’night everybody.

[Skip turns over in his sleeping bag.]

Candace:          G’night.

[Candace settles down.]

[Xander laughs.]

Credits

[Pokémon Main Theme plays.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David McEuen, Noah Sturtridge, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Special Thanks

[Music continues.]

Sage:            Hello, everyone.

Just wanted to quickly thank our newest Patreon supporters. We’ve gotten a pretty solid batch over the past couple of weeks, which is super cool.

So if anyone out there didn’t know, we have a Patreon! For only $3 you can get yourself an Adventure Pass, which includes an exclusive Podcast feed with behind-the-scenes content and bonus episodes and other stuff like that. I recently threw in the Lasers & Feelings session zero and there’s a whole list of other stuff still to come. So check out patreon.com/20sidedstories if you’re interested.

And as always you can connect with us via Twitter and Instagram or shoot us an email via 20sidedstories.com.

Episode 7 - The Curse of Lavender Town will premiere next Wednesday so make sure to subscribe if you haven’t already.

My name is Sage G.C. Keep catchin’ ’em all, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later!

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

#7 - The Curse of Lavender Town

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode

Air Date: September 12, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners. The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Episode 7 - The Curse of Lavender Town

[Birds chirp in the background. Light, Route-travel music.]

Narrator:         Continuing through the dark and treacherous Rock Tunnel, and assisted by Candace’s Abra, our trainers have made it out of the cave safe and sound.

Candace:          [quiet] Nice.

Xander:           Little bit of Kabuto-diarrhea, but that’s to be expected.

Candace:          Ew, it’s a hamburger, remember? We don’t mention this—

Xander:           Eat centuries-old Pokémon.

Candace:          We do not mention this to anybody ever again.

Skip:             I’m saving the shell.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh…

Candace:          [scoffs; whispers] No, you have to leave it.

Skip:             [whispers] Why?

Candace:          [whispers] Oh, wait! Our fingerprints’ll be on it.

Skip:             It’s valuable.

Xander:           [whispers] Actually, he’s on to something. We could prob’ly sell that.

Candace:          [whispers] Okay, keep it.

Xander:           Anyways. [burps] Oh, there it is again.

[Candace clears her throat loudly.]

Narrator:         Travelling south on the elevated Route 10, Candace, Skip, and Xander are eager to find proper shelter, but it appears nighttime is already upon them.

Candace:          Well! We made it outta that Rock Tunnel and we are on our way.

Skip:             Great job, Dream Police! Cartwheel!

[Clothes rustle as Skip and Candace run into position.]

Candace:          [yells] Somersault, heavy panting, pose!

Skip:             Pose!

[A light thud as they stick the landing.]

Xander:           Okay, guys. I’m committed, but I’m still working on it.

Candace:          Well, you gotta come up with something at one point. This is getting ridiculous.

Xander:           Uh, jumping jack!

[Thud.]

Candace:          Better!

Skip:             And put your arms up!

[Xander grunts as he throws his arms up.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Role for Efficiency.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

[clicks tongue] Mmm. Uh, it’s a pretty okay jumping jack.

Travis:          [quiet] Mother Fucker…

[Chuckling.]

You’re gonna tell us to hurry it up, you just made me roll for a fucking jumping jack.

[Greg giggles.]

Wait a minute? That was a calis—

Sage:            [loud] It is about 6 PM—

Travis:          That was a calisthenic check!

[Chuckling.]

Sage:            —and the trainers, Dream Police, come through a rocky overpass and this city, very small, starts to show itself from behind the cliffs.

[Shoes crunch over grass and dirt as The Dream Police walk down the road.]

Skip:             [impressed] Ooo.

Xander:           I’m just surprised there was nobody else in that tunnel. Did you guys see anybody?

Skip:             Well, if there was, I think I might’ve Dragon Raged them out.

Xander:           That was awesome!

Skip:             Right?!

Xander:           Like, okay. I’m not- I’m still… I don’t know—

Candace:          You love Pokémon!

Xander:           Well, I’ve never had anything against ’em. I’m just saying, I’m—

Skip:             You’re gettin’ into this.

Xander:           I- I get this. I get it.

Skip:             You’re gettin’ into it.

Xander:           Yeah, I got this Marshtomp. Ac- somethin’s been weird, though.

Candace:          What?

Xander:           Like, we never talked about the fact that we didn’t- we didn’t win that last badge.

Candace:          Um…

Xander:           He just straight gave it to us.

Candace:          Because we deserve to win.

Skip:             Also, he’s like an ex-military special forces Pokémon trainer, and we took him to the edge. I mean, do we have to, like, kick his butt to get a badge?

Candace:          Yeah, we’re kids.

Skip:             Or are we just earning ’em?

Xander:           I mean, alright, I’ll fol—

Candace:          We straight up earned that chiz.

Xander:           I’ll follow your lead on that one. I don’t know.

Skip:             I mean, if I was a Gym Trainer, and I, like, had to get my butt kicked every single time, I- I feel like the League would fire me. You just keep losin’ to kids. It’s a messed-up system.

Candace:          Little bit.

Xander:           [sighs] I got a lot to learn.

Skip:             Me too.

Sage:            Our trainers arrive at the entrance to Lavender Town. The sign is very dusty. Something seems old and strange about it. And then…two little shits come running by.

[Rival entry music.]

Blue:          What’s up tiny looosers?

Rival Zach:       Losers!

Blue:          Yeah! You got ’em Zach.

Rival Zach:       Yeah! Zach!

Candace:          Quit talking to yourselves, alright? You guys need to get admitted to an insane asylum, because y’all are the shitheads, okay?

Rival Zach:       Nah, man. My- my uncle’s just teaching me how ta be the ultimate Pokémon master so I can beat Red!

Candace:          You mean the ultimate frickin’ shithead!

Rival Zach:       [yells] You don’t know shit!

Candace:          I know that you’re a shithead and he’s a monster shithead!

Blue:          Zach, dude, don’t worry about it. The training I’ve been giving you? They’re not even worth your time.

Rival Zach:       You’re right!

Skip:             Yeah, can you guys leave us alone and stop following us?

[Candace, Xander, and Zach talk over each other.]

Candace:          Oh, don’t worry, you’ll—

Xander:           [quiet] Yeah, this is really—

Rival Zach:       Yeah, it’s fine, yeah.

Skip:             …No, I wanna follow up on that. Can you leave us alone and stop following us?

Rival Zach:       Yeah, yeah, totally.

Skip:             Okay, go!

Rival Zach:       Yeah. Screw you guys! We’re gonna stay right here.

Blue:          Have fun in creepy town, losers!

Rival Zach:       Yeah, losers!

Candace:          [yells] Um, I wasn’t the one who lost the Gym in Viridian City!

Blue:          [quiet] I will kill you.

Candace:          [yells] Ex—

Blue:          [quiet] Child, I will murder you. They will never find you.

[Stifled laughter.]

Xander:           Guy’s, let’s go.

[Candace, Skip, and Xander shout over each other.]

Candace:          Try me! Try me, bitch! I’ll fight you! I’ll fight you!

Skip:             Candace! Get ready for attack.

Xander:           Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s go! [yells] Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s—

[Stat test chime.]

Travis:          Gah. Drag her off.

Sage:            Roll for Brawn, Can—

[Jessica chuckles.]

Candace roll for Brawn.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Jessica chuckles in worry.]

gasps] Oh, it’s a critical failure. But, Xander succeeds.

[Success chime.]

So he’s gonna balance out that critical, it’s just a regular failure.

[Candace growls and charges at Blue.]

Candace goes to throw a punch at Blue, and he just grabs her fist, pushes her back.

[Candace gasps and yelps. A soft thud on the grass as she falls over. Xander groans in worry.]

Blue:          Listen, if there’s anything I learned from being an [mumbles] ex [normal] Pokémon Champion, it’s n- it’s nerves of steel. I have the reflexes—

Rival Zach:       Steel!

[Beat.]

Blue:          I have the reflexes of a trained master.

Rival Zach:       Master!

Xander:           Okay, guys.

Blue:          Why’re you doin’ that?

Xander:           Guys—

Rival Zach:       [nervous] I wanna be like you.

Candace:          He’s your hype-man, duh!

Rival Zach:       [quiet] I wanna- you’re the coolest uncle.

Skip:             Can you stop tryin’a fight children and leave us alone?

Candace:          Yeah, you really hurt me!

Skip:             I’m gonna report this to the authorities.

[Beat.]

Blue:          Hey, Zach, we should get going.

[Rival guitars play.]

Rival Zach:       [loud] The authorities? You mean the authorities who are totally after somebody who burnt Viridian Forest? I bet it was your Vulpix.

[Candace makes a guilty squeal, but manages to speak cooly.]

Candace:          Vulpix would never do that.

Rival Zach:       I mean, I don’t know, maybe. I don’t know, maybe your—

Candace:          She’s a saint.

Rival Zach:       She’s pretty good. [quiet] Do you think- do you think her Vulpix could do that? I mean, I don’t know.

Skip:             I bet it was Team Rocket.

Candace:          Yeah, Team Rocket’s on the loose! Not that you care. Or you, Blue.

Skip:             Hey, do I notice that you guys look guilty?

Blue:          Do you?

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Sage:            No.

[Failure chime.]

[Music intensifies.]

Blue:          No. What? That’s stupid. You’re stupid.

Sage:            But, they are very insecure. [chuckles]

Skip:             You- you’re throwin’ a lot of insults to children when you’re a grown-up.

Candace:          Hasbeen.

[Zach stammers.]

Skip:             Insecure hasbeen.

Rival Zach:       [stammers] Whatever. You’re just mad ’cause- ’cause we already went up the Pokémon Tower and, uh, fought a bunch of creepy ghosts. And we’re all done! [quiet, quavering] ’Cause it’s really scary and we’re done.

Blue:          No, it’s ’cause you’re tough, Zach. Because you’ve gotta have it, man!

Rival Zach:       Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Xander:           [whispers] Guys, can we go? Let’s just go.

Rival Zach:       Well, I mean I couldn’t- I couldn’t catch the Gastly. I couldn’t catch the Gastly.

Candace:          [whispers] Yeah, let’s just sneak away. Okay.

[Footsteps crunch on dirt as The Dream Police leave.]

Xander:           [whispers] Let’s walk away.

[Blue and Zach’s conversation fades.]

Candace:          Whoa, that’s a lot of problems and trauma goin’ on on that.

Xander:           Bunch of fuckin’ Russian nesting douches.

Skip:             Zach needs to take a Tide Pen to the crotch of those pants.

Candace:          [scoffs] Tell me about it.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Can everybody roll me Sense?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Failure chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Jessica groans in worry.]

Hmm. Skip is the only one in on this. Xander and Candace both see Lavender Town as a regular town that’s maybe a little bit outdated and old—

Greg:          But smells great.

Sage:            But as they pass through, Skip is noticing…that nobody’s moving.

[Eerie music; Lavender Town theme begins.]

Skip:             Guys…

Candace:          What is it?

Skip:             Have you noticed that nobody’s moving?

Candace:          What?

Skip:             Hey, you!

[Beat. Crickets chirp in the background.]

Nothin’.

Xander:           Uh.

Skip:             Hey, uh, uh, girl with backpack and backwards hat.

[Beat.]

[whispers] Nothin’.

Xander:           [groans] Is this like—

Candace:          Is this like a giant mannequin challenge?

[Beat.]

I don’t… I don’t know, I—

Xander:           I… This…

Candace:          I think this is just a mannequin challenge.

Xander:           Yeah.

Skip:             Alright.

Candace:          I think we’re just—

Skip:             I’m pokin’ ’im.

Xander:           I think this is performance art.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Brawn.

Greg:          [chuckles] To poke?

Sage:            [chuckles] Yup.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Critical fail. It breaks your finger.

[A sickening snap. Skip screams in pain.]

Candace:          Why’d you have to go an‘ touch somebody? You hurt your finger.

Skip:             I didn’t know touching someone was gonna break my finger!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Health, Skip.

Xander:           What the fuck?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Fail. Skip is in a lot of pain.

[Skip pants.]

He doesn’t know if he can throw his Poké Balls out.

Skip:             [pained] Guys, I need to get to a Human Center!

[Candace groans quietly.]

Xander:           You just- you touched that guy and your finger broke?

Skip:             That’s what happened! I can’t explain it!

Candace:          What’re you made of glass?

[Eerie music intensifies.]

Xander:           Okay this is- this is not okay. I- I- this is no longer okay. Guys… Let’s- let’s—

Candace:          Now we gotta go to a hospital?

Xander:           Let’s get- what d’we need to do here?

Sage:            You see a Pokémon Center.

Skip:             Good enough, let’s go! Oh, wait, it’s Nurse Joy in there. You guys go for me.

[Xander and Candace yell over each other.]

Xander:           Wha- you- we need you in there!

Candace:          No, it’s your finger! You need to go in there. You guys aren’t even together. This is a different Nurse Joy!

Skip:             [scoffs] Fine.

[The trio walk over to the Pokémon Center. Eerie music crescendos and fades out.]

[Creepy Pokémon Center music. The automatic door slides open.]

Sage:            You enter the Pokémon Center and it’s a lot colder than the previous ones.

Nurse Joy:           [glitches] Welcome to our Poké-émon Center. We heal your Pokémon back to perfec’ health. Shall we hear your Pokémon?

Skip:             Hey, Joy, it’s- it’s me, Skip. I hurt my finger.

Nurse Joy:           Okay. We’ll need your Pokémon.

Skip:             Here, just take me instead.

Nurse Joy:           [glitches] O-okay. We’ll need your Pokémon.

Skip:             I’m tired of these games, Joy. I need to be helped.

Xander:           [quiet] There a doctor in the house?

[Nurse Joy’s voice glitches, changing pitch throughout.]

Nurse Joy:           Okay. We’ll need your Pokémon.

Sage:            Our trainers look around, and there is nobody else in the Pokémon Center except for the single Nurse Joy looking straight out, dead-faced, at the entrance.

Xander:           Maybe they just have some, like, iodine or something. Why don’t—

Candace:          Hey, maybe we can sneak through the back door?

Xander:           —we just go through the- maybe supplies or something.

Skip:             [irked] Been a lot of help, Joy.

[The trio walk away from the counter.]

Nurse Joy:           Thank you!

Candace:          [loud] Alrighty, guys! [quiet] It’s time to get real Mission Impossible on this stuff.

Xander:           You started off really fuckin’ loud, but I’m glad you brought it down.

Candace:          [whispers] Yeah, because I know this is serious business.

Xander:           [whispers] Okay, we gotta go find a potion for—

Skip:             There’s just a little door right here, guys.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, shit. Alright, let’s go through the door.

Candace:          [whispers] Go through the door.

Sage:            You go through the door.

[Stat test chime.]

[The door creaks open.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Critical fail, Candace trips and hits her forehead.

[Thud!]

Candace:          Ow! Ugh!

Xander:           [whispers] Shhhh! God, now we gotta find Potion for you, too.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Skip trips on her. He doesn’t get hurt as bad.

Skip:             Ahh!

[Thud!]

[Success chime.]

Candace:          Skip!

Sage:            Meanwhile, Xander’s just standing in the doorway, pretty calm, but uncomfortable about the idea that nothing < i>is back here.

[Eerie music echoes.]

It’s just a black, empty room.

Skip:             This town is terrible.

Candace:          This is—

Skip:             We’re getting hurt touching people.

Xander:           [uneasy] Guys. Guy’s, there’s nothing here.

Skip:             Going through doors.

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Xander:           This- this isn’t the Pokémon Center.

Candace:          This is a literal ghost town?

Xander:           This isn’t a- what’d you just say?

Candace:          A g-g-g—

Xander:           Oh, not you too!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

I’m not gonna stand for both of you doing this shit!

[Candace stammers. Xander groans.]

Candace:          G-g… Spirits!

Xander:           It’s a- [growls]

Skip:             [uneasy] Can we leave this place?

Xander:           I would love that.

Skip:             I’m only getting hurt no matter what happens. I- I’m afraid to walk right now.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Let’s go outside.

Skip:             Alright.

[They hurry outside.]

Sage:            Our trainers exit the Pokémon Center, back into the courtyard of Lavender Town. The sun has completely set behind the hills up north, the Rock Tunnel where you guys came from. And towering literally above you is the purple, spooky, huge Pokémon Tower.

[Eerie music intensifies.]

Xander:           Is that the Gym?

Candace:          [moans] Ohhh yeah, I think so.

Skip:             Forget the Gym. Let’s go to Celadon.

Xander:           Can we?

Skip:             Yeah, head west.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace, can you roll me Smarts?

Jessica:          Yes.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Fail. Candace is convinced this is the Lavender City Gym and that is a Gym Badge waiting to be got.

Candace:          [fearful] We cannot abandon an opportunity to get a Gym Badge, despite how scary it is!

Skip:             But I can’t help you guys out! I can’t throw a Poké Ball!

Candace:          Suck it up!

Xander:           Jus’ use your other fucking hand!

Skip:             I’m not allowed to do that!

[Beat.]

Xander:           What? How? I don’t unders—

Skip:             Watch! This is me tryin’ ta pick up the Poké Ball with my hand that I usually use.

[Clothes rustle.]

Ow!

Xander:           Use your other hand!

Skip:             I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Candace:          [yells] You have two hands!

Xander:           Your left hand! Oh, fine! Let’s just go in the tower.

Candace:          Come on, Skip!

Sage:            The door drifts open on its own.

[A heavy door creaks open, echoing in the silence.]

Candace:          [fearful] Oh my gosh they—

Skip:             They have technology!

Candace:          [excited] —know we’re here!

Skip:             Oh.

Xander:           That’s just a door- a door—

[Travis laughs.]

[Morale-boosting Halloween music.]

Candace:          They are doing a grand entrance for us because they know that we are the undefeated Dream Police! [sings] Surrender!

Skip:             I’m gonna hold off- I’m gonna hold off on the cartwheel.

Xander:           Candace. Candace, I can’t- I can’t tell if you’re scared or not anymore. [chuckles]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [chuckles] Roll for Confidence.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Catchy drum beat starts.]

Travis:          Oh, shit.

Sage:            Nope! Critical success. Candace is so goddamn excited to get this “Ghost Badge” or whatever she thinks it’s called.

Xander:           She’s in the zone!

Candace:          [sings] G-g-g-ghost Badge!

Sage:            The failure at Vermilion City has motivated her to just come back ten-fold.

Candace:          I’m ready! I’m ready and set, and I will take on any freakin’ Pokémon Ghost-thing that might be in this creepy tower!

Sage:            She runs up the staircase. It’s a lot longer than it looked from the bottom.

[Candace pants as she charges up the stone steps.]

Skip:             You know, even though I’m not gonna be able to throw a Pokémon, I think she’s got this.

Xander:           Let’s follow her.

Candace:          [distant] Come on, guys! Keep up!

Skip:             Alright.

Xander:           I think we might die.

Sage:            We go inside the Pokémon Tower.

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Mr. Mime!

 [Mr. Mime cry.]

The Curse of Lavender Town - Part II

[Eerie organ plays; Pokemon Tower theme.]

Sage:            Inside the Pokémon Tower, there is a dense fog oozing throughout the circular room like a mist. It’s hard to see. It’s very dark and lowly lit with lanterns.

Candace:          My god, it’s like a rock-star entrance.

Xander:           My dad has one of these.

Candace:          They have a fog machine!

Skip:             I can clear this up.

[Clothes rustle.]

Dratini!

[Poké Ball bounces away.]

OW!

Candace:          Oh my god, [loud] use your other hand!

Skip:             [loud] I don’t know what that means!

Candace:          Oh, you’re so—

[Candace growls in annoyance.]

Xander:           Alright, can I throw it? Let me try. Can I throw Dratini?

Skip:             Alright. Dratini! Follow his instruction.

[Xander picks up the Poké Ball.]

Xander:           Alright, I’m gonna throw the Dratini Poké Ball. Here we go. [grunts]

[Poké Ball bounces on the ground.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            For being a Pokémon trainer for someone else’s Pokémon, I’m gonna say you have to roll Confidence.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Success! Dratini comes out.

[Dratini exits her ball with a whoosh.]

Xander:           Hey!

Skip:             Sweet, Dratini, Twister! Let’s blow this mist outta here.

[Dratini trills. Wind tears around the room.]

Xander:           [mumbles] I just realized Ramona coulda done that too.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for effectiveness, Skip, ’cause it’s your Pokémon.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Dratini is not strong enough to push this mist out of the way. As a matter of fact, she just kind of damaged some of the walls and throws some things around.

[Dratini trills apologetically.]

Xander:           Fuck that. Ramona! Get out here.

[Ramona exits her Ball and chirps.]

Skip:             Dratini, come back.

[Dratini returns.]

OW!

Xander:           Alright, Ramona. Use Gust.

[Stat test chime.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            That worked a little bit better.

[Wings flap and wind rushes through the area.]

You see the fog clear out and there’s a stairway that goes up a floor.

Xander:           Whoa. Guys…it’s a stairway. [chuckles nervously]

Candace:          Let’s go!

[Candace sprints forward.]

Xander:           Alright. Ramona, come back.

[Ramona returns.]

Skip:             This is just like in Game of Death.

Xander:           What? The ho- What?

Skip:             Let’s keep goin’!

Xander:           Ah, man!

[Beat. Music fades out.]

[Shoes stomp on creaking wood steps as the group continues to climb the tower.]

Xander:           So it’s really—the fog machines—it’s not actually fog. It’s like a- it’s like a chemical compound they use to push outta the mister. It’s really cool. My dad has that and, like, a whole lighting rig and stuff. It’s like—

Candace:          It’s a rock star entrance!

Xander:           Exactly! But it’s- here it’s just really spooky. I don’t quite get what’s goin’ on.

[Wind blows and whistles eerily through cracks in the walls.]

Sage:            You get up to the first floor and immediately in the doorway, this purple ball appears in front of you with a ghostly face and a weird, weird, weird uncomfortable grin that seems almost like it’s insinuating something not good.

[Music builds and cuts off.]

Gastly:         [whispers] Boo.

Dream Police:         AAAAHHHHHHH!!

[Creepy rendition of the Wild Pokemon Battle music plays.]

Candace:          What is that?

[Pokédex clicks open.]

Pokédots:       [beep] Gastly. A Ghost-Pokémon.

Xander:           [yells] What?

Candace:          Holy moly.

Skip:             [quavering] You mean that Pokémon can be ghosts?

Candace:          This is incredible!

Sage:            Our trainers look around and realize they’re surrounded by Pokémon tombs.

Skip:             This. Is. Terrible.

Xander:           Oh my god. [stammers] Marshtomp! Go!

[Xander unzips his pack and pulls out a Poké Ball, throwing it forward. Muddy Waters exits his ball and cries out.]

Hi, Marshtomp. Oh, god. It’s so fuckin’ weird. Use- use Mud-Slap!

[A wet smack is heard as Muddy Waters slings mud.]

What’s it doing?

[Eerie whoosh.]

Uh, it just went right through him! The mud went right through him!

Skip:             [fearful] This is terrible!

Candace:          [fearful] Oh my god!

Xander:           Alright. Uh, Marshtomp use Water Gun!

[An eerie whoosh. Muddy Waters cries out in pain as Gastly’s attack hits. Water splashes as he spits it at Gastly.]

[groans in concern] Are you okay? Whoa, that worked.

Skip:             Whoa! [stammers]

Candace:          Keep doin’ the Water Gun!

Xander:           Water’s its weakness!

[Gastly whispers eerily.]

Alright, use Water Gun.

Skip:             Get it!

[Water splashes. Otherworldly whoosh.]

Xander:           Ugh, shit.

[Muddy Waters groans in pain.]

Candace:          Oh my god.

Xander:           It’s okay, Marshtomp! It’s okay! Keeps shootin’ out this, like, purple light. Ugh. Use Water Gun!

[Muddy Waters cries out, water splashes. Gastly whispers eerily.]

Alright, I’m gonna try to- I’m gonna throw a Poké Ball.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll a d100.

[Backpack zips open.]

Candace:          Do it, do it. Oh my gosh.

Xander:           I just want this thing to go away. [nervous chuckle]

Candace:          Yeah.

Xander:           Alright, here we go. [deep breath] You’re mine, you sick fuck!

[The Poké Ball flies at Gastly. The music quiets. Candace groans in worry.]

Skip:             Come on, Dream Police!

[Gastly enters the Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Sage:            Did you roll a 69?

[Everyone laughs.]

[Poké Ball wiggles in the background.]

Travis:          Guess what’cho doin’.

Sage:            So, he’s a regular, you don’t get a bonus for that. It- you- uh, its health is in fact below 50% so you get -10, so it’s actually a 59. Status, there is no status effect. No bonus there. It is a lower level than you, that’s -5. Do you have any bonuses against Ghost-types?

Travis:          No.

[Beat.]

Sage:            You do not catch the Gastly.

Xander:           [frantic] Can’t be caught! Can’t be caught! It’s a ghost! Can’t be caught!

[Candace moans in fear.]

Does anybody else wanna try?

Candace:          I’ll do it!

[Shoes scuff on the floor as Candace and Xander switch spots.]

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          [nervous] Alright, ya stinkin’ Ghost Pokémon. [quiet] Okay, okay. Here we go. [grunts]

[She chucks the Poké Ball at Gastly. It enters with a whoosh.]

Sage:            21.

[Jessica grunts.]

It is a lower level, so it is a 16. Its health is lower than 50, -10, making it a 6.

[Candace squeals.]

Under 10.

[Successful capture chime.]

Candace:          Holy smokes!

Skip:             You...caught...a ghost. You are a ghost catcher!

[Xander moans in relief.]

Candace:          I’m- I’m a ghost catcher! [growls playfully] I’m a ghost hunter!

Sage:            And then our trainers hear the sound of chanting coming from across the room.

Candace:          [whispers] Oh my god, do I have followers now?

Skip:             Wait…

Candace:          Am I the queen?

Skip:             There are more ghosts in this room?

Candace:          No, I think they’re here to worship me.

Sage:            The fog clears out at the other side, and a circle of Channelers surrounding each other with their heads bowed.

[Whispering and eerie music intensify.]

Candace:          Oh my god, they’re bowing to me.

Xander:           No, they’re in a circle. They’re bowing to each other.

Candace:          Well, I thought that [Jessica stifles laughter] they bow, they bow to me.

Xander:           That is a- a very broad stroke.

Candace:          Here, I’ll go in the middle. I’ll go in the middle of their circle.

[She hurries over to the Channelers.]

Xander:           [loud] Don’t- don’t go over there! Don’t do it!

Sage:            Candace enters the middle.

[Stat test chime.]

Candace, can you roll me Luck?

[Dice roll on the table.]

Skip:             Dratini, cover her!

Sage:            Too late.

[Net chime.]

Net. How fun. She enters the circle and all of the Channelers slowly in unison lift their heads.

[A dark, pounding echo.]

Candace realizes she is standing on some sort of hex on the ground.

[Hex zaps.]

Candace:          Uh-oh.

Sage:            It looks dark and ominous and they’re all staring directly at her.

Candace:          Um, guys, I think I was mistaken. Um…

Xander:           [fearful] Candace get outta there!

[Candace moans in fear.]

Sage:            And then, very quietly and building, they hear...

Channelers:      [very slowly] Kaerf. Maeg. Kaerf. Maeg. Kaerf. Maeg. Kaerf. Maeg.

[Chant continues throughout.]

Xander:           [whispers] This is not okay.

Candace:          Oh, this is some kind of, like, demon—

[The Dream Police talk over each other.]

Skip:             [whispers] Can-Can-Candace get out of that circle.

Xander:           Get outta there, get outta there, get outta there!

Candace:          I’m come- I’m come- I’m getting out! I’m getting out!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Brawn.

Jessica:          It’s- it’s my Hidden Power. [moans in worry]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Failure. She tries to get through and not unlike a game of Red Rover on the playground, they just launch her back in the circle.

Candace:          Ow!

Xander:           Let’s go get her.

Candace:          Help! Help!

Skip:             Okay!

Xander:           Charge.

[Stat test chime.]

[Skip growls.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Sage:            What is your Hidden Power, Skip?

Greg:          Wisdom.

Sage:            Alright, Skip looks at this and realizes they’re worshiping something from another realm, perhaps even another dimension, and that a Pokémon like Gastly could, in fact, distract them through awe.

[Eerie music intensifies.]

Skip:             Candace, release your Gastly.

Candace:          Oh, but I just got it.

Skip:             No, no, no. Trust me.

Candace:          Oh, but it’s got a low health. Okay, I’ll do it. Go, Gastly!

[Candace tosses the Poké Ball and Gastly exits. The chanting and music stop.]

Sage:            All the Channelers look up towards Gastly.

[Beat. Quiet, eerie music pounds.]

Xander:           [quiet] Get up! Get outta the circle, get outta the circle!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            There’s a slight opening that Candace must roll Swiftness to get out of.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Shoes pound on the stone floor as Candace bolts for the opening.]

She does it. She sees her opportunity and seizes it.

Skip:             [whispers] Get over here, get over here!

Sage:            Joins Xander and Skip.

Skip:             We’re all hugging.

Candace:          [quiet] Okay.

Xander:           [whispers] Call back your Gastly!

Sage:            The Channelers are looking at the Gastly that’s floating around them like a will-o-wisp. They have a chance to call the Gastly back.

[Stat test chime.]

If they want to get out as quickly as possible.

Candace:          Gastly, return!

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Candace groans in fear.]

Sage:            [exhales in pity] The Poké Ball misses and bounces off of the back wall and hits one of the Channelers in the head.

[The Poké Ball plinks as it bounces away.]

Candace:          God dammit!

Sage:            They all stare and take Poké Balls out of their robes.

Xander:           [quiet] Guys. Not okay. Not okay.

Sage:            Slowly, they lift them up, as if they’re going to unleash a whole horde of Ghost- and Dark-type Pokémon at our trainers unless they escape right now and abandon the Gastly.

[Pokédex clicks open.]

Xander:           Pokédex, what moves does Gastly know?

Pokédex:        [beep] Gastly knows Dark Pulse, Curse, and Confuse Ray.

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

Xander:           Tell ’im- tell your Gastly to use Confuse Ray.

Candace:          [fearful] Okay. Uh, Gastly use Confuse Ray!

[Stat test chime.]

[Gastly groans eerily.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Success.

[Jessica squeals.]

A beam of light and aura starts circling around this Channeler group and things go terribly wrong.

[Chaotic screaming. Static noises screech in the background.]

[Jessica groans in worry.]

Running into the tombs of Pokémon, praying down, eating rocks, all kinds of weird, weird, dark stuff.

[Horrifying scream!]

Xander:           [nervous chuckle] This is not okay. Let’s get the fuck outta here!

Skip:             We need to not make fun of these people and we need to leave.

Candace:          [nervous] Okay, uh.

Xander:           [stammers] Get the Poké Ball, let’s get outta here!

[Candace groans in fear. She runs to retrieve Gastly’s Ball.]

Candace:          I’m runnin’ to get the Poké Ball. Gastly, return!

[Gastly returns.]

Okay, let’s get outta here!

Sage:            And our trainers exit Pokémon Tower.

[Lavender Town theme gently returns on guitar. Crickets chirp.]

Sage:            Everybody in the town that they had seen is standing completely still at the center of town. Looking in completely different directions as if there might be a pattern but doesn’t look like there could be.

[Footsteps crunch on dirt.]

Skip:             We did it, guys. We got outta there. Great job team!

Xander:           Guys, I think this- I think we stopped this in the middle of something. I think what they were doing in the tower was gonna do something. I… Guys, we have to go back in the Tower.

Skip:             What?

Candace:          Wait, what?

Sage:            The door shuts all the way.

[The door bangs shut. An eerie laugh echoes in the distance.]

Xander:           Never mind.

[Candace moans in fear.]

Skip:             That sounds like Vincent Price.

Candace:          Who’s that?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Somebody roll me Sense.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

Alright, there’s enough successes there—

[Success chime.]

—and a critical success! From the top of the Pokémon Tower staircase, Xander is able to see a path on the west side of Lavender Town going towards Saffron City, and he looks—it is miles and miles away—but he sees the Silph Co. Tower and knows that if they just sprint right through all these people, they can probably get outta Lavender Town alive.

Xander:           Fuck my plan, let’s go that way.

[Travis chuckles.]

Skip:             Okay!

Candace:          [fearful] Alright.

[Running footsteps crunch on dirt, fading away.]

[Lavender Town Theme crescendos and quiets.]

Credits

[Music continues throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by Noah Sturtridge, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Special Thanks

Sage:            Hey everyone. Sage here.

Something I realize I probably should’ve said upfront is that all of the trailers used for our mid-roll breaks, those are not ads. Those podcasts and creators are not paying for that slot and I’m not selling it. The shows you’ll hear are hand-picked by me. They are shows that I like or I listen to. A sort of, “If you like 20 Sided Stories, you might like this.” sort of thing.

So thank you to all the podcasts so far that have lent me their trailers, or especially the ones who have made new trailers just for that slot. Really cool, thank you. You’ll always be able to find direct links to these recommendations in our show notes, along with links to our Patreon, Social Media, Website, etc.

Though I know that a solid half of our listeners are on Spotify and, I mean, I use Spotify every day, but I know they don’t- I don’t think they allow direct links or really long descriptions of things, so sometimes it’s cut off and yeah there’s no direct links. So sorry about that. But no worries, all you gotta do is do a quick Google search and chances are it’ll be on the front page of whatever you’re looking for.

Episode 8 - Celadon City Parade! will premiere next Wednesday, so hit that subscribe button if you haven’t yet. Plot’s getting thick.

Thanks for listening. Keep catchin’ ’em all, and I’ll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. Later!

[Lavender Town Theme crescendoes and fades out.]

#8 - Celadon City Parade!

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode

Air Date: September 18, 2018

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Birds chirp and adventurous Route music plays.]

Narrator:         After a spooky encounter with Lavender Town and the ominous Pokémon Tower, our trainers have travelled across Route 8 toward Saffron City, camping out, exploring tall grass, and leveling up their Pokémon.

[The Dream Police walk down a dirt road.]

Xander:           [hesitant] So, uh, are we ever gonna talk about what happened in Lavender town?

Candace:          [loud] Uhhh, nope! Uh, let’s talk about something else!

Xander:           I mean, are y—

Candace:          [loud] Uh, congratulations, Xander! Uh, Ramona is now Pidgeotto, so now you have, like, two evolved Pokémons, you know. Two! That’s so great!

Xander:           Uh, I mean, thanks, but, like, we… I think we almost died and we haven’t addressed that, like, at all—

Candace:          Okay, Xander, will you just stop? Alright? I’m tryin’a be nice right now and you’re being so rude because you keep not wanting to talk about it! I’m… Okay, just, you know, everything’s fine. Take the freakin’ compliment!

Xander:           Okay, uh, thanks. Um, yup. Sup- sup—

Candace:          [irked] You’re welcome.

Xander:           Yup. Super happy, uh, both my Pokémon are evolved. It’s really cool and everything’s normal and nothing happened and we’re fine. ’Kay.

[Automated door slides open and they walk inside.]

Narrator:         They arrive at the checkpoint to Saffron City once more, but this time at the east side.

Skip:             Hey guys, look at my finger.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Health.

[Stifled laughter.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Laughter.]

Xander:           We gotta get that- we gotta get you to the hospital, like, now!

Skip:             I tried to fix it myself.

Candace:          Oh, god. You’re not a doctor!

Skip:             Yeah, clearly.

Candace:          You’re not even a Nurse Joy.

Guard:          Can I help you kids?

Xander:           Oh, uh, we’re just passin’ through.

Skip:             No, no, no.

Guard:          Oh, so road’s- road’s closed, sorry.

Skip:             I do need help.

Candace:          Look at his hand.

Xander:           Yeah, we need—

Skip:             Look at this.

Xander:           Actually, yeah, we need medical attention.

Candace:          Put it right in his face.

Guard:          Uh, you probably wanna go to the Pokémon Center in Saffron city. Right through here.

Xander:           [loud] His hand! His human hand!

Guard:          There’s a hospital there too.

Xander:           [loud] Whe—

Guard:          In Saffron City. It’s a big city.

Xander:           Is that through there?

Guard:          Yes.

Xander:           Can we go?

Guard:          No. Road’s closed.

Xander:           [yells] What?

[Travis chuckles.]

Candace:          Look at his hand! He’s dying!

Xander:           This is a medical emergency!

Guard:          I know, but I’m really thirsty.

[Candace growls.]

Skip:             Guys, under the barricade, over here.

[Skip walks over to the barricade.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Guard:          Don’t go back there!

Skip:             Screw you, I need to get my hand fixed!

[Greg chuckles.]

Guard:          Well, okay. Well, just take the Underground Pass to go to Celadon City.

Skip:             Why can’t I go across this road?

Guard:          Road’s closed!

Skip:             What does that even mean, grown-up?

Guard:          Dude, I’m just a cop—

Candace:          He’s on the other side!

Guard:          —and I’m really thirsty. Do you guys have anything to drink? Like tea?

Skip:             Here, have some water.

Guard:          No, no, no, no. I- water is like our- we already got water. I really want, like, tea or something.

[Candace groans.]

Xander:           Okay, is there a hospital or a Pokémon- is there anything in- in—

Guard:          Yeah, Celadon’s, like, you know…uh, big and—

Xander:           You’re se- you’re really lackadaisical about this, guy.

Candace:          Let’s just go to Celadon!

Guard:          Oh, it’s just I’m just so thirsty.

Skip:             Okay! What’s the fastest way to Celadon?

Guard:          Oh, just go right back there. There’s an Underground Pass. It’s gonna go under Saffron straight to Celadon.

Xander:           It’s not a tunnel is it? Is it like a tunnel?

Guard:          It’s a tunnel.

Skip:             [groans] Let’s go, guys. Let’s take the tunnel.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 8 - Celadon City Parade!

[The Dream Police shuffle along the Underground Pass.]

Sage:            Our trainers cross through the underpass—

Candace:          Abra, Flash.

[A high-pitched whine as Flash goes off.]

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[Skip groans.]

Sage:            There were lights already in the underpass.

Skip:             We didn’t n—

Candace:          Abra, return.

Sage:            Please roll for Effectiveness.

[Jessica groans.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Ooo. What is your Hidden Power? [chuckles]

Jessica:          Brawn.

Sage:            Hmm. How could that translate to your Abra?

Jessica:          I tackle it. A loving tackle.

[Clothes rustle as Candace launches forward. Thud! Abra cries out. It returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Candace:          I’m sorry. It’s just all the tunnels we’ve gone through are spooky and scary so I just assumed.

Xander:           This is like a- looks like- this is actual tunnel. This is, like, a pass.

Candace:          Oh, okay.

Xander:           This was, like, made to walk through.

Candace:          I’m shake- I’m shook!

Xander:           That’s fine.

Sage:            They see the other side but not before two little shits.

[Rival entry music. Blue and Zach run up.]

Rival Zach:       Hey, nerds!

Blue:          Hi, losers!

Skip:             Just keep walkin’. Just keep walkin’, guys.

Rival Zach:       Oh, what’re- where you guys goin’?

Blue:          Where you goin’?

Rival Zach:       Yeah!

Blue:          Yeah!

Xander:           [mumbles] Oh god.

Candace:          I’m shaking my head so hard.

Rival Zach:       Yeah, tell ’em Uncle Blue!

Blue:          You know what we’re gonna go do?

[Backpack zips open.]

Skip:             I’m getting a video of this, guys.

[Pokédex clicks open and beeps as it powers up.]

Candace:          Hey, shitheads!

Xander:           Oh.

Candace:          Guess what Pokémon I just got?

Xander:           Don’t- don’t—

Blue:          [bored] You probably caught, like, a Ghost Pokémon or somethin’?

Candace:          Yeah!

Rival Zach:       [bored] Yeah, I bet you guys went up the Tower and were really successful and found the cult that we mentioned before and then you caught a Pokémon and you got out safely.

Blue:          [bored] How cool.

Candace:          Yeah!

Xander:           You didn’t mention a cult. What are you talking about?

Blue:          [bored] That’s fantastic.

Rival Zach:       You didn’t see the cult in there?

Xander:           We saw- yeah, but you didn’t tell us about it. Jerks.

Rival Zach:       Oh, yeah, we did. You just weren’t listenin’.

Candace:          Yeah, why would we listen to you, shithead?

Rival Zach:       [yells] Hey, hey, hey! Look at me!

Candace:          [yells] I- I am sadly looking at you!

Rival Zach:       No, look at me, look—

Candace:          You ugly piece of shit!

Rival Zach:       Hey!

Candace:          What?

Rival Zach:       Look at me!

Skip:             Candace, Candace, Candace.

Candace:          [shocked] Are you about to kiss me?

Rival Zach:       What?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

No—

Candace:          Get outta here, you stupid face!

Rival Zach:       No, no, what’re you talkin’ ’bout?

Skip:             Candace, Candace, let’s keep mov- whoa, hey! Were you tryin’ to kiss Candace?

Rival Zach:       No, no, not at all!

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

Sage:            You’re not sure. It looks like he m- he prob’ly was.

Skip:             Dude, what about Klara?

Rival Zach:       Uh, Klara, uh, you know, uh, I mean… Like my Uncle Blue always says, uh, women, can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. Uh, need one at the pallet and one at the palace.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Blue:          [to himself] Have I ever said that?

[Jessica laughs.]

Xander:           Let’s go.

Candace:          I’m outta here.

Rival Zach:       Hey, do you got this though?

Sage:            And he reveals a—

Greg:          Third nipple.

[Jessica laughs.]

Rival Zach:       Oh, shit. No, no, the Rainbow Badge!

[Zach shows off his Badge.]

Skip:             [impressed] Hey, cool. Good support, man.

Candace:          [impressed] Yeah, that’s very progressive of you.

Rival Zach:       What’re you talkin’ about?

Xander:           Is that a Pride pin?

Rival Zach:       What’s that?

[Beat.]

Xander:           Equal marriage rights?

[Beat.]

What is that thing that you have?

Blue:          It’s the Rainbow Badge.

Rival Zach:       From Erika’s Gym.

Blue:          In Celadon City.

[Candace gasps.]

Xander:           Oooooh.

Rival Zach:       Right over there.

Xander:           It’s a Gym Badge.

Candace:          That’s where we’re goin’!

Xander:           [mumbles] God, I feel stupid.

Candace:          And we’re gonna get that pin and even more, soooo.

Rival Zach:       Well- well- well, b’cause of my uncle- b’cause of my uncle I’m goin’ faster than you.

Candace:          Um, really? because I thought you didn’t get that- what- what was our first pin that we got, guys?

Xander:           It was a—

Skip:             Boulder.

Xander:           Rock. Rock badge. What?

Candace:          Yeah, you didn’t get a Rock Badge from Brock.

[Beat.]

Blue:          [quiet] Did you not get the Boulder Badge?

Rival Zach:       No, I was gonna go back and do it. He wasn’t there!

Blue:          You can do that in, like, two seconds. Don’t even worry about it.

Rival Zach:       No, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there. Just, like, the sign said “Gone”.

Candace:          So really, you’re not ahead of us. You’re kind of tied, a little behind?

Rival Zach:       Uncle Blue, Uncle Blue, Uncle Blue. Can your Pidgey, uh, Fly us back to Pewter City?

Blue:          [groans] Yes, we can.

[Clothes rustle. Pidgeot exits its Pokeball and cries out.]

Rival Zach:       See ya, smell ya later, uh, lo- Uh.

Blue:          [bored] Yeah, smell ya later, I guess.

Xander:           [loud] You’re in a tunnel!

[Wings flap. The Pidgeot bounces around and hits walls.]

Blue:          Yeah, this is a great plan!

[Pidgeot squawks.]

See ya later, idiot.

[Rival exit theme. Wings flap and clucking is heard.]

[Beat.]

Xander:           What the fuck—

Skip:             Guys.

Xander:           —is wrong with those guys?

Skip:             I recorded it all on my Pokédot.

[Pokédex beeps. A beat passes in silence.]

Xander:           Okay.

Skip:             I’m gonna send that to Klara.

Candace:          [groans] Oh, Okay…

Xander:           [amused] Aw, you’re jus’ stirin’ up shit, now.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Yeah!

Xander:           [amused] Uh-huh.

Candace:          Why do we care? Is this all for your own—

Xander:           Are you guys always- you just start yellin’ at ’im. You called him a shithead.

Candace:          He is a shithead!

Xander:           Well, yeah, but we don’t—

Skip:             I don’t- I don’t yell that.

Xander:           We don’t have to- [sighs] …Let’s go. These guys stress me out.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Skip:             Aaand send.

[Pokédex chimes.]

[Cheery music.]

Sage:            Our trainers enter the vibrant…uh… [sighs]

Travis:          Vibrant…?

[Laughter.]

Jessica:          Rainbows!

Sage:            Celadon City!

Xander:           Wow.

Skip:             To the hospital!

[Laughter.]

Candace:          Look at all the diversity!

[Automatic door slides open. The Dream Police approach the front desk.]

Nurse Joy:           Welcome to our Pokémon Center!

Xander:           Ah, Jesus Christ.

Skip:             Hey, Nurse.

Nurse Joy:           [glitches] We heal your Pokémon back h- perfect health! Sh-shall we heal your Pokémon?

Candace:          Yeah, here’s our Pokémon.

Xander:           [yells] Is there a doctor in the house?

[Backpack zips open.]

Skip:             Here’s my hand.

[Poké Balls clatter as Candace sets them on the counter.]

Nurse Joy:           Okay, we’ll need your Pokémon.

Candace:          [irked] I gave you my Pokémon, but we also need his hand to be checked out.

Xander:           You got—

Nurse Joy:           Thank you! Your—

Candace:          [groans] Why do I even try?

[Candace snatches her Poké Balls back and zips them inside her pack as she and Xander leave the counter.]

Nurse Joy:           [distant] —Pokémon are fighting fit! We hope to see you again!

Xander:           ’Scuse me.

Man:                Yup? How’s it goin’?

Xander:           Uh, well, thank you. Um, do you ha—

Man:                What are you thanking me for?

Xander:           For—

Candace:          For asking.

Xander:           I got this. [nervous chuckle]

Candace:          [loud] For caring about how he’s doing!

Xander:           I- get- Candace, Candace! I’m tryin’—

Candace:          What’s up your ass?!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Jesus, shut up! Jesus fucking Chri—

Candace:          I will fight you!

Xander:           You- you are having problems today!

Sage:            He throws up all over his chest.

[Man coughs and vomit splashes.]

Xander:           [groans] Oh! Oh no!

[Man coughs.]

I’m sorry! She didn’t mean it! Are you okay?

Candace:          [moans] No, I don’t like the smell of vomit.

[Stat test chime.]

Oh god, I’m gonna throw up.

Xander:           Candace don’t you throw up too.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[Candace dry heaves.]

[Failure chime.]

[Candace heaves, vomit splashes on the ground.]

[yells] What?

[Man heaves, vomit splashes on the ground. He coughs again.]

[groans] Oh, what the f—

[Candace heaves again. More vomit splashes on the ground.]

Ah! Everyone’s throwing up now.

[Candace starts crying.]

Man:                Hey, uh, kid, kid, kid. Everthin’s fine. Alright? Everthin’s fine. It’s just, here in Celadon things’re- things’re feelin’ weird.

Xander:           [fast] Is there a cult? Is there a cult? Is there like a ritual?

Man:                A cult? Oh, no, no, no. Did’ja come from Lavender Town?

Xander:           Yeah, we’re j- we’re jumpy.

Man:                Yeah, don’t go there. It’s been weird past couple years. It’s gettin’ weirder and weirder.

Xander:           Years?

Man:                Yeah.

Xander:           Nobody has bothered to address that?

Man:                Ever since the Cubone incident.

Xander:           What?

Man:                It was like seven years ago.

Xander:           The what incident?

Man:                Trainer Red, there was a whole curse thing goin’ on.

Xander:           What’s this Re—

Man:                Team Rocket—

Xander:           A curse?

Man:                —captured a guy. He was, uh, what was- there’s, uh, he’s a Pokéma- he’s a Pokémon guy—

Xander:           This sounds like bad fan-fiction.

[Skip walks over.]

Skip:             ’Scuse me. Hey, uh, first of all, guys, I think—

Man:                Who’s this nerd?

Skip:             I think our work’s—

[Beat.]

[Candace laughs.]

Xander:           [quiet] Wow.

Candace:          I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh.

Skip:             [hesitant] I think I worked things out with Nurse Joy. Hey, dude. Do you wanna go?

Man:                Mmm. Uh, I have a Tauros, so…

Skip:             That’s okay. I got a Candace.

Man:                Look- wh-what is that? Like, candy? Is that—

Candace:          That’s me!

Man:                —like a Rare Candy?

Skip:             No. She’s a girl who can kick the butt of anyone.

Man:                Alright, look, look, look, kids. I’m- I’m just here to get a couple of checkups, ’cause everyone’s been throwin’ up around town.

Xander:           [loud] Sir!

Man:                What?

Xander:           [loud] Is this where people go to get medical attention?

Man:                Yeah, why the fuck do you think I’m here?

Xander:           [loud] Jesus Christ!

[Jessica laughs.]

[loud] I don’t know. Before all this you were just a man.

Skip:             I’m gonna check, then.

[Skip walks away.]

Xander:           Now you’re an angry man who’s thrown up all over himself, and—

Dill:               My name’s Dill. Nice to meet you. What’s your name?

Xander:           My name is Xander. And who- and this is Skip and his hand hurts.

Dill:               Oh, I’m not a doctor, so I can’t help you.

Xander:           That’s fine. I just wanted to make sure we were in the right place, and all we have to go off of is Nurse Joy, who I think is legit catatonic. Do we sign in somewhere?

Candace:          Are you waiting to go inside?

Dill:               Yeah.

Candace:          Did you talk to somebody?

Dill:               Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sage:            And then a Chansey comes out from the back room.

[A door creaks open.]

Candace:          They’re so cute!

[Soft footsteps tap toward the group.]

Chansey:        Chansey, Chansey!

Sage:            She grabs Skips hand—

Chansey:        Chansey!

[Skip cries out and groans.]

Sage:            I will roll for the Chansey.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

Xander:           Do you have insurance?

[Travis chuckles.]

Sage:            Hmm. She looks at you with a very concerned face holding your hand. Looking down from the hand back up to your eyes. She wraps it in a bandage and then just shrugs. [chuckles]

Skip:             Guys, I’m totally healed! Watch.

[He reaches into his pocket.]

Dratini! OW!

[Poké Ball bounces away.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh. You have to let it rest.

Xander:           The health care system in this region is in fucking trouble.

[Misadventure music.]

Sage:            After a couple of hours inside of the hospital trying to get the attention of Nurse Joys that come in and out and Chanseys, Skip’s hand is just wrapped in a bandage. There’s not much he can do but it’s not critical. He can still battle, he just might throw Dratini off the stadium.

Candace:          Ah, snap.

Sage:            Doesn’t mean he’s disqualified, but Dratini might get disoriented.

Candace:          Have you tried drinking your own Potion?

Skip:             I don’t think I’m legally allowed to do that?

Xander:           Not that. I mean the one for- that you have for your Pokémon.

Skip:             Oh. Does that work on humans?

Xander:           I don’t know.

[Clothes rustle.]

Skip:             Hey, Pokédex.

[Pokedex clicks open. A gremlin yell is heard.]

Candace:          [mumbles] Oh, god.

Xander:           They need to-

Candace:          Our- our-

Skip:             Hey, uh—

Xander:           That- that OS start up noise is—

Sage:            [amused] Everybody looks to the right and there’s a Psyduck that just waddles back into the hospital. [chuckles]

[Duck feet slap on tile.]

Candace:          Aw, how cute.

Psyduck:           Psyduck!

Xander:           Is that thing wearing a nurse’s hat?

Skip:             Pokédot, can I use a potion on myself?

Pokédex:        [beep] It is not advised to use Pokémon [glitching static] build...things on yourself.

[Sage chuckles.]

[Pokédex crackles and falls silent.]

Candace:          It’s not wise, but it—

Xander:           That Pokédex thinks you’re dumb.

Skip:             I’ve got some hidden wisdom, and it’s tellin’ me not to do that.

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

Candace:          Fine. Um, sir?

[Misadventure music resumes.]

Dill:               Uh, I was just about to go. What’s up?

Candace:          Where can I find a Stone shop?

Dill:               Stone shop? You one o’ them hippies?

Skip:             No, no, no, no, no. The evolution kinda Stone.

Candace:          Yes.

Dill:               Like- like Erika? S’all good. No judgment here.

Candace:          Uh, yeah, like Erika. ’Cause the Pokémon trainer?

[Music stops.]

Dill:               You’re a hippie like Erika?

Candace:          S- Pokémon trainer.

Xander:           No.

Dill:               Yeah, the Gym Leader.

Xander:           Yeah. We- she’s asking—

Dill:               She’s got the Rainbow Badges on the flowers. Smokes a lotta hookah.

Candace:          Um, yes, but is there a- a place where I can purchase a Stone?

[Beat.]

Dill:               Oh! You talkin’ about the mall!

[Music resumes.]

Candace:          Yeah! The mall, the mall! Yeah, where’s the mall?

Dill:               Yeah, right this way.

[Dill walks away.]

Skip:             Let’s all go to the mall.

Xander:           You’re gonna lead us there?

Candace:          [sings] Let’s go to the mall!

Xander:           Did you get seen already?

[Music stops.]

Dill:               Oh, yeah, I’m fine.

[Sage and Jessica chuckle.]

Xander:           What about—

Dill:               No, no, look, look, look.

[He walks away. Pokémon Center doors slide open. Cheerful Celedon City music plays. The group walks down the street.]

Around Celadon City, it’s been a little weird. It’s almost as if everyone’s just gettin’ sick and throwin’ up fer a sec. No one feels a lotta pain, but there’s just this weird, uh… I don’t know. Last couple o’ days some’ins been off. You know?

[Mall door slides open. Music stops. Mall patrons chatter in the background.]

Xander:           Does everybody have a big recital coming up?

Dill:               For what?

Xander:           I don’t know. What’s—

Candace:          A music recital?

Xander:           Yeah.

Skip:             Dratini, don’t go in there. That’s a Spencer's Gifts.

[Dratini trills.]

Xander:           So what d’you mean they been getting sick? So does anyone- just everybody’s just been throwin’ up every once in a while?

Dill:               Yeah. Uh, the- the officers are here with- blue-haired ones. Uh, Jennys?

Candace:          Officer Jenny.

Dill:               Yeah, the Jennys. Yeah, they’re here. One of ’ems here tryin’a figure it out. Guess she was lookin’ for a lead on Team Rocket.

Skip:             [quiet] They still have a KB Toys in here?

Xander:           Oh, on Team Rocket?

Dill:               [quiet] Yeah, they used ta hide out here but, uh, some legendary trainer named Red kicked their ass.

Candace:          [whispers] Nice.

Dill:               [quiet] Oh, you heard of Red?

Candace:          [quiet] Yeah. Red’s like my hero.

Skip:             He’s the hometown hero.

Dill:               Mm-hmm.

Candace:          Yeah. Second to my aunt.

Dill:               You from Pallet?

Skip:             Yeah!

Xander:           Mm-hmm.

Dill:               Wow. Well, good luck to ya fellas. And fell- uh, “a”s feminine already. So what would be the feminine form of fella?

Xander:           Gal?

Dill:               Mm. Alright. Later, fellxs.

[Dill walks away.]

Xander:           …Wow.

Candace:          Look! There’s the Stone shop! Let’s go inside.

[Candace hurries inside, the others follow.]

Skip:             Wow! Check out the décor in this place. It rocks.

[Beat.]

[Candace and Xander grab Skip.]

Why’re you guys pushing me out?

[Shoes drag across the floor.]

Sage:            And as they push Skip out, Officer Jenny comes in, looking very worried, kind of weak.

[Suspenseful music.]

Officer Jenny:        [coughs] Oh, mm, hello children. [coughs]

Candace:          Officer Jenny?

Officer Jenny:        Hi. [coughs weakly] Mm, yes. A lot of Celadon City have been feeling very sick lately. [clears throat] Are you alright?

Candace:          Y-yeah. We’re great.

Xander:           Yeah. I mean—

Candace:          ’Cept for Skip. His hand’s, like, decapitated.

Skip:             [muffled] Tell her about Team Rocket!

Officer Jenny:        You have information about Team Rocket?

[Music intensifies.]

Candace:          The boat.

Xander:           [gasps] the boat.

[Music fades.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Airhorn blows.]

Jessica and Sage:     Announcement!

[Upbeat music throughout.]

Sage:           Right now it’s International Podcast Month, or IPM, where creators from the RPG and audio drama podcasting communities have banded together to record various one-shots and bonus mini-sodes to celebrate the world of podcasts.

Jessica:          And we contributed! We recorded and put together a bonus sketch just for you. Here’s a sneak peek.

[Suspenseful music.]

[Xander gasps.]

Officer:           Wake up!

Xander:         Wh-where am I?

Officer:           You’re in custody, son. And it’s not looking good.

Xander:         Wha—

Officer:           I need you to go ahead and sign this piece of paper without reading it and do it right now.

[Xander stammers.]

Officer:           Now, boy. Now.

Xander:         My hands are handcuffed to- [yells] Why are they- why am I handcuffed?

Officer:           Are you Xander Dream Police Whitten?

Xander:         [sighs] Yeah.

Officer:           I’ve been following you for a long time, son. You’re one of the worst offenders that this area has ever seen.

[Paper rustles.]

Xander:         W-wait am I under arrest?

Officer:           Absolutely. For multiple things. Abusing wildlife—

Xander:         [loud] What?

Officer:           Did you or did you not break a Pidgey’s leg?

Xander:         Okay—

[Radio static.]

Sage:           Consider it episode 6.5. It will be releasing soon on the podcast feed I Am Hear. That’s I Am H-E-A-R on, you know, most podcasting platforms. If it’s not already up, subscribe now so you can hear it when it is.

Jessica:          And obviously check out the loads of other content on there. Though our Adventure Pass holders get to hear it right now.

Sage:           Oooh! If you go to Patreon.com/20SidedStories, Dream Police: Kanto’s Most Wanted, is up in the exclusive Adventure Pass feed. It’s only $3 and here’s the cool part. There’s tons of other stuff in there already and stuff to come. Bonus episodes from us that are not available anywhere else.

Jessica:          That’s patreon.com/20SidedStories and to find out more about IPM and I Am Hear, go to internationalpodcastmonth.com.

Sage:           One last thing! I want you on whatever app you’re listening on, right now, to go to that little share button. Copy the link of the feed or the episode or whatever and send it to a friend who used to play or still plays Pokémon.

Jessica:          Someone who plays video games and might be able to laugh with you and at us.

Sage:           While we are thrilled with the growth of the show, we don’t exactly have a marketing budget.

Jessica:          Or any budget.

Sage:           So getting this into the right ears really starts with you guys. And of course, for those of you who have already done this, thank you, truly. I’ve noticed.

Jessica:          Alright, we’ll let you get back to the episode now.

Sage:           Yup! See ya.

[Radio switches off, music cuts off.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Vileplume!

 [Vileplume cry.]

Celadon City Parade! - Part II

[Suspenseful music.]

Officer Jenny:        You have information about Team Rocket? Please, tell me now.

Candace:          Uh, was it S.S. Dan?

Xander:           Dan. S.S. Dan.

Candace:          S.S. Dan. The- Team Rocket was on that boat.

Xander:           Well, we don’t—

Officer Jenny:        You saw them on the boat?

Candace:          Well…

Xander:           No.

Candace:          We- we- we were going through the hallway and a room was open and I went inside and there was a uniform that said, uh…

Xander:           R.

Candace:          R

Xander:           It said R. There was an R on it.

Candace:          [loud] R for Rocket!

[Jessica chuckles.]

Xander:           There was an R on the uniform.

Candace:          But it’s- you know!

Officer Jenny:        Well, are you sure it was an R for Rocket?

Candace:          Yeah! It was a—

Officer Jenny:        Could’a been Red Robin.

Candace:          No, no, no. Because it was that whole white suit with the R in the center real big and red.

Officer Jenny:        Oh.

Candace:          Like Team Rocket! And then, the guy who owns the boat, what’s-his-name, Cedric Svartski? I don’t know your last name, bro.

Skip:             [muffled] I’m behind a glass window. I can’t hear you.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Cedric- Cedric the Businessman, who’s Skip’s brother, owns the boat. He was being really fishy about it.

[Music stops.]

So yeah. That’s my information about Team Rocket’s boat.

Officer Jenny:        Well, we really appreciate your information and will use it however we can.

Candace:          S.S. Dan.

Clerk:         Are you gonna buy anything?

Candace:          [loud; singsongs] Yes, sir! I would like to buy a Fire Stone!

Clerk:         Hmm. Fire Stone. That’ll be ₽1,000.

Xander:           That’s it?

Candace:          Ah. Perfect! I have ₽1,150! Here you go!

[Rustling as the money changes hands. The register dings open.]

I’ll keep my ₽150.

Clerk:         Here’s your Fire Stone.

Candace:          Amazing!

[Skip comes inside to join them.]

Xander:           [quiet] Really expensive rock.

Skip:             Check it out, guys! We got matching hats! Dratini, show them.

Dratini:         BrrrRRRRrrRRR!

Clerk:         Ah, I see you saw the parade.

Skip:             Yup. We got rainbow hats.

[Beat.]

Xander:           So anything else you guys wanna do in the mall?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Nope! I just wanna put this Fire Stone...on my…

Clerk:         We also sell TMs here, if you need a TM.

Xander:           [mumbles] What?

Clerk:         That’s a Technical Machine to teach your Pokémon a move. Unfortunately, our upper floors have to be closed for the moment.

Xander:           Oh.

Clerk:         Technical Machines.

[Items rustle in a box.]

Uh, Stones, this is all we got. So I have Poké Balls, if you want those.

Xander:           Oh, I’d love them.

Clerk:         Uh, we had a whole bunch of stuff, but we had to close the upper floor.

Xander:           You guys renovating?

Clerk:         I can go through the whole inventory if you want me to.

Xander:           Well, what do you have here right now?

Clerk:         Um...

[Items clatter around in a box.]

Let’s see what we’ve got. Ultra Balls, if you want one of those we can—

Xander:           Hold on, hold on, hold on. What?

Clerk:         Ultra Balls.

Xander:           What’s that?

Clerk:         Like a Poké Ball but stronger. Better than a Great Ball, better than a Poké Ball.

Xander:           There’s a Great Ball?

Clerk:         Mm-hmm.

Xander:           Is there an Okay Ball?

Clerk:         That’s the one that’s just white and red.

Xander:           [enunciates] Poké Ball. I get it now.

Clerk:         Yeah, so...

Skip:             What’s the green one?

Clerk:         The green one?

Skip:             Yeah, I was watchin’ the Pokémon League on TV and somebody chucked a green and white ball out there.

Clerk:         Mmm. They might’ve painted it.

[In the background, Candace releases Pixie the Vulpix from her Poké Ball.]

Or it was a Nest Ball. Couple of things it could’ve been. We don’t sell that here.

Skip:             Dratini, we’re paintin’ your Poké Ball.

[Dratini trills.]

Clerk:         Like I said, we had a whole- we had a whole department for Poké Balls upstairs but we had to consolidate everything down here.

Xander:           Well, so what does- what’s an Ultra Ball do?

Clerk:         Well, it’s stronger.

Xander:           Oh, so it makes it easier to catch ’em?

[A deep, humming whoosh is heard in the background.]

Clerk:         Yeah, that’s right.

Candace:          [excited] Guuuys!

Skip:             Whoooa!

Xander:           [yells] Ahh! What’s goin’ on?

Candace:          Holy moly! I’m so excited I can’t… [groans happily]

Xander:           [slow] What the fuck?

[The gentle chimes of a completed evolution are heard.]

Skip:             It’s so pretty!

Candace:          [awed] She’s so beautiful, Pixie!

[Pixie the Ninetales coos.]

[awed] Oh my gosh, you’re so glorious!

Clerk:         Oh, we also have tea.

[Candace gasps and bangs her hands on the counter as she leans in.]

Candace:          You have tea?

Xander:           We need a lot of that.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Please!

Clerk:         ₽30.

Xander:           I’ll take five.

[Register dings. Money rustles.]

Clerk:         Okay.

Xander:           How much’re your Poké Balls?

Clerk:         Ultra Ball’s gonna be ₽1,100.

Xander:           What about a Poké Ball?

Clerk:         Regular Poké Ball’s ₽500.

Xander:           What about anything that’s less expensive than that?

[Register clicks as the Clerk puts the money away.]

Clerk:         Uh, no, Poké Ball’s as shitty as it gets. You want a regular Potion, I can give you that. If you want a—

[Clerk mumbles in the background as Candace shouts over him.]

Candace:          How is nobody excited right now? My Ninetales is just leaping around the room—

[Barking, soft footsteps pad around the room.]

—just being glorious and sparkling and just...

[Pixie coos and wiggles its tail cutely.]

Travis:          I walk out—

Clerk:         —and that’s our whole catalogue.

Travis:          [amused] We walk out with a Poké Ball.

[Register dings.]

Candace:          Ninetales! Ninetales!

[Upbeat music.]

Sage:            Great! So you all go to downtown Celadon and start to see the sickness over everyone and [chuckles] there’s a parade? Uh, Pride Parade’s goin’ on today and it’s awesome. Aside from the vomit everywhere, everyone’s havin’ a great time.

Candace:          This is a party! It’s like they’re all celebrating because I have a Ninetales now!

[Officer Jenny runs up to the group. She blows her whistle.]

Officer Jenny:        Hey. [clears throat] Hey, wait a minute. [groans]

Candace:          Yeah?

Officer Jenny:        Um, [groans] I can’t figure out how to get into the Team Rocket hideout, but we think there might be information there.

Candace:          Whoa.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace can you roll Intuition?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

You have the idea that, since you’re now a master Pokémon trainer with a Ninetales—

Jessica:          Yes!

Sage:            —you are on par with the police force. Candace puts on the detective hat.

Candace:          I have switched my hat and put on my secret, super duper—

Skip:             Hey, that’s Dratini’s hat!

Officer Jenny:        [clears throat] I’m glad that you put on your detective hat because when I say we don’t know how to get into Team Rocket’s hideout, I mean we have no idea where it is or even if it exists.

Candace:          Well, bebs—

Officer Jenny:        I’m very sick, could we- I really would like your help with this.

Candace:          [bad Noir voice] I’m just letting you know that I’m pretty sure I know where Team Rocket’s hidden. And if you follow us, I’ll show ya.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Officer Jenny:        I- I follow y- I—

Xander:           [quiet] Is she Southern, now?

Officer Jenny:        I didn’t think you’d been here before.

Candace:          [Jessica stifles laughter] Oh, I have been around, lady.

Officer Jenny:        Okay, well, that’s great but can you tell us where you think—

[Candace walks off.]

Candace:          Just follow me and I’ll show ya.

Sage:            And Candace leads everyone to the…Gym? [chuckles]

[Jessica chuckles.]

Candace:          Here we are!

Officer Jenny:        Oh, this is- this is nice, but this is just our town Gym. I don’t- I don’t the- Team Rocket would hideout in such an obvious location.

Candace:          Oh, right! Team Rocket.

[The door opens with a whoosh. Footsteps shuffle across the pavement.]

Erika:            Welcome to the Celadon Gym.

Xander:           [coughs] ’S a lotta smoke in there.

[Candace drops her Noir impression, returning to her normal voice.]

Candace:          Hi! Are you Erika?

[Erika pulls out a perfume bottle and spritzes it.]

Erika:            Yes, I’m Erika the Gym Leader.

[Beat.]

What’s up?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Oh.

Skip:             Alright, guys, let’s do it!

[Skip pulls out his Poké Ball.]

Dratini, go! OW!

Xander:           What the fuck?

[The Poké Ball bounces on the ground. Dratini exits and Gym Battle music begins.]

Sage:            Right outside of the Celadon Gym, not officially on the stadium and in front of the parade, who happens to hear the yelling and get really excited by [gaps] an impromptu Pokémon battle! They gather around the entrance.

[The crowd cheers and whistles throughout.]

And Dratini is summoned, and so is…

Erika:            Go, Bellsprout.

[Bellsprout exits its Poké Ball.]

Skip:             Alright, Dratini. Let’s get things started by ending it. Thunder Wave!

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Erika:            You may’ve Paralyzed my little Bellsprout, but you’re no match for the acidy goo that grows in his belly. Do the gastro Acid, buddy.

Sage:            And then projectile vomit spews out from Bellsprout.

[The crowd groans as Acid squelches. Bellsprout cries out.]

Skip:             Let’s Twist things up. Twister!

[Dratini trills. Heavy wind whirls toward Bellsprout.]

Erika:            Hey, stop it. You almost hurt it to death.

[Crowd: “Wow!”]

Put it to Sleep, little shit brain.

[Bellsprout cries out. Rustling is heard as Sleep Powder is shaken over Dratini. Dratini trills sleepily and falls over.]

[Crowd: “Ooo!”]

Candace:          Oh, no. Wait, Dratini.

Skip:             Dude, wake up!

Erika:            Can’t wake up once you’re Asleep. That’s the rules.

Skip:             Come on, Dratini! I believe in you!

Candace:          Dratini, I’ll give you your hat back!

Erika:            Hey, shit brain, what’re you doin’? Move around. Why’re you so Paralyzed right now?

Skip:             Come on Dratini! Wake up and let’s Rage like a Dragon!

Erika:            Loosey brain. [clicks tongue] Wake up.

[Dratini snores.]

Do your little vomit thing again.

Xander:           Officer Jenny, is this legal?

Officer Jenny:        Well, [groans] in Celadon, “legal” is a very loose term. And, uh, we have a lot of, um, openness here. Uh, especially when we have crimes like the, uh, potential bike thievery that’s been going on in other surrounding cities. Uh, we start to question whether or not we really want to perpetrate other perpetrators who may or may not be condoning activity that one might consider illegal—

Xander:           Sound like you have no idea what you’re talking about.

[Jessica laughs.]

Sage:            Everyone squints for a couple of moments, slowly turns around and sees a sign that says, “What happens in Celadon, stays in Celadon.”

Erika:            It’s the Rainbow Way.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Now, go ahead and do that vomit thing I told you to do, Bellsprout.

[Acid squelches.]

Skip:             Dratini, WAKE UUUP!

[Dratini snores.]

Xander:           Do you wanna swap in?

Skip:             Come on, Dratini!

Xander:           This would be a pretty cool time to see what Ninetales can do.

Candace:          Alright. Ninetales, go!

[Candace tosses a Poké Ball and Ninetales enters the battle.]

Erika:            Whoa!

Sage:            Its tails are flowin’, it is one of the most beautiful Pokémon anybody’s seen. The whole parade goes, “Oooo!”

Crowd:            Oooo! [cheers] How many tails does it have?

Candace:          Nine tails! Get ready! We’re gonna paint the town! It’s time for Will-O-Wisp!

[Will-O-Wisp hits Bellsprout. Acid splats over Ninetales. The crowd gasps.]

Oh no, Ninetales. You’re-

Erika:            Hey, buddy—

Candace:          You’re poisoned!

Erika:            Yeah, because my little buddy—

Xander:           Candace, Candace.

Erika:            —did Poison Powder on—

Candace:          What?

Erika:            Hey…

Xander:           Remember when we burned down the Viridian Forest?

Candace:          Yeah.

Erika:            What?

Xander:           Burn down that Bellsprout!

[Travis chuckles.]

Candace:          Oh!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Xander, I need you to roll for me. One roll, Wisdom.

Travis:          Got it.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Sage:            Mmm. Make sure that Officer Jenny did not hear you just admit—

[Jessica laughs.]

—[amused] that you burned down Viridian Forest.

Travis:          Oh sh— [laughs]

Sage:            Whatever his Hidden Power is—

Travis:          Confidence.

Sage:            Alright. With Confidence.

[Music slows to only drums.]

Officer Jenny:        Son?

Xander:           [nervous] Uh, yeah?

Officer Jenny:        Wha- uh, what was that you just admitted to?

[Beat.]

Did you just say you burned down the Viridian Forest?

Xander:           No.

[Music stops.]

Officer Jenny:        Well, okay then.

[Beat.]

[Gym Battle music resumes!]

Sage:            And the battle resumes.

[Crowd claps and cheers.]

Candace:          Alright, Ninetales! It’s time to bring out your Embers. Ember, go!

[Ninetales hacks, flames whoosh.]

Erika:            Hey. Whoa!

[Crowd cries in awe.]

That was like vomit but in fire form.

Candace:          Heck yeah, it was! My Ninetales is gonna take you down!

Erika:            I don’t think so, because I got something for you. It’s like a dinosaur and a plant.

[Erika pulls out another Poké Ball.]

It’s my Ivysaur.

[Ivysaur exits its ball and cries out.]

Candace:          Yeah? Well, my Ninetales is much more majestic than that thing.

Erika:            I agree.

Candace:          An’ it’s gonna take you down! Ninetales, Ember!

[Ninetales hacks, flames whoosh.]

Erika:            You’re Ninetails has eyes of pearls, but guess what? Bullet Seed time!

[Ivysaur fires seeds at Ninetales like a gun.]

Do it, Ivysaur. Spit out your little pink plumes.

Xander:           Oh. Oh, it’s shooting seeds at it.

Candace:          Oh my gosh!

Xander:           Candace, Ninetales doesn’t look so good.

Candace:          Yeah, she was Poisoned a little- a couple turns ago.

Erika:            Yeah.

Xander:           Was she?

Candace:          Yeah.

Erika:            The Bells—

Xander:           I’m not paying attention.

Candace:          Come on, keep up!

Erika:            I believe that Bellsprout did that.

Xander:           Sorry! I’m tryin’a get the hang of this stuff, okay?

Candace:          Ninetales, Payback!

[Chimes are heard as Ninetales focuses. It charges and slams into Ivysaur.]

Erika:            Lock and load! Bullet Seed again!

[Seeds shoot out and the crowd cries out.]

Candace:          Oh, guys, what do I do?

Erika:            Pew, pew, pew.

Xander:           Uh, well, what’s that on its back?

Candace:          It’s a bulb.

Xander:           But what’s below that?

Candace:          Leaves.

Xander:           What burns leaves?

Candace:          [growls] Fire!

Xander:           You’re gettin’ it!

Candace:          Alright, Ninetales! Ember!

[Ninetales hacks, flames whoosh.]

Erika:            Oh you will not destroy—

Candace:          Take that!

Erika:            —my Ivysaur. It’s too strong. Do it again! Bullet Seed, Bullet Seed, Bullet Seed.

[Seeds hit Ninetales in rapid succession. Ninetales collapses. Candace groans.]

Pew, pew, pew.

Candace:          Okay, stop! Ninetales is on the ground!

Xander:           She’s already fainted! She’s already fainted!

Skip:             Xander!

Candace:          You’re a savage!

Xander:           What?

Skip:             Get in there!

Xander:           Uh, me?

Candace:          Come on, Ninetales, return.

[Ninetales returns to its Poké Ball.]

Xander:           I’m not gonna fight a Pokémon!

Skip:             Well, no, throw a Pokémon.

Xander:           Oh, sh- alright. Uh, let’s see.

[Backpack zips open.]

[frantic] Uh, I’ve got two, uh. I didn’t write any of their names on these Poké Balls, I don’t know.

Erika:            I’ll just sharpen my nail.

[Two exit-whooshes are heard.]

Sage:            Both of Xander’s Pokémon come out at the same time.

[Pokédex beeps rapidly.]

Xander:           [yells] I’m sor—

Pokédex:        Illegal move. Illegal move. Illegal move.

Candace:          What’re you doing?!

Xander:           [frantic] Mudkip come back! Mudkip come back! Mudkip.

[Marshtomp returns.]

Candace:          Oh no!

Xander:           Alright, Ramona, get in there.

[Wings flap as Pidgeotto enters the battlefield.]

How do you guys know what fuckin’ Pokémon’s in the ball?

Erika:            My grandma’s name’s Ramona.

Candace:          [tearful] Cool story. You just hurt my Ninetales. I hate you!

Xander:           Are you high right now?

Erika:            I ate some mushrooms off of my Paris and it’s good for your skin.

Xander:           Fine! Alright, Ramona, use Quick Attack!

[Ramona cries out and blurs forward. A thud is heard as it smacks Ivysaur.]

Erika:            Whoa!

Candace:          Nice one!

Erika:            That was fast but not as fast as this.

Xander:           It's literally faster than that.

Erika:            Sleep Powder. G’night, Ramona! Sleep.

[A swish is heard as the powder covers Ramona.]

Just like that other thing did.

Xander:           Oh no. Don’t do it! Ah, shit. Alright.

Candace:          Ramona, wake up.

Xander:           Wake up! Wake up and use Quick Attack.

Candace:          Ramona, I’ve got worms!

Erika:            You should go to the doctor for that.

[Crowd laughs.]

Candace:          What?

Xander:           Fine, you’re not gonna wake up. Ramona, come back.

[Pidgeotto returns.]

Alright, Muddy Waters, go!

[Muddy Waters exits and cries out. Ivysaur fires seeds at it, and it cries out in pain.]

Candace:          Oh no!

Xander:           [horrified] OOOH!

Candace:          What did you do?!

[Muddy Waters collapses.]

Xander:           [yells] Oh, it happened again! This is the fourth time!

Erika:            Don’t you know that plant types are strong against Water-types?

Xander:           Don’t you know—

Erika:            And earth type, er, Ground-type, er, Rock-ty- I’m high.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Skip:             Dratini, go!

[Skip tosses a Poké Ball. Dratini exits its Ball and snores.]

Candace:          Aw, Dratini.

Erika:            Hey, you know what? You’re gonna die.

[Ivysaur fires seeds at Dratini. The crowd groans.]

Skip:             Damn, she’s really good with these. Dratini! Wake up.

[Dratini snores.]

Dragon Rage!

Erika:            Snooze, snooze. Bullet time! Pew, pew.

[Rapid thuds are heard.]

You’re in the Matrix.

Candace:          Oh my gosh.

Xander:           It’s like every time—

[Dratini trills.]

Skip:             Dratini!

Candace:          Oh, Dratini! She woke up!

Skip:             Burn it!

[Dratini trills. A hum builds and flames surge toward Ivysaur. Ivysaur collapses and the crowd cheers.]

Erika:            Oh, that put you away. Go, Bellossom!

[Ivysaur returns. Erika tosses another Poké Ball and Bellossom joins the fight.]

Skip:             Dratini, burn this flower with your Dragon Rage, now.

[A dull hum builds and flames fly at Bellossom.]

Erika:            I’ll admit that was pretty good. But guess what? Fightin’ fire with lightning. Stun spore!

[David chuckles.]

You’re Paralyzed, just like a Thunder Wave would.

[Paralyze buzzes.]

Skip:             Dratini, shake it off! Burn it with Dragon Rage!

[Dratini trills and builds its attack. Flames envelop Bellossom, and it collapses. The crowd cheers.]

That’s right! Nothing can defeat Fire when you’re made of Grass. Because I’ve learned through my experience that Pokémon made of Grass burn with Fire!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Uh, Skip, can you roll me Smarts?

[Dice roll on the table.]

Xander:           I just realized that Pokémon is wearing a dress.

[Giggling.]

Sage:            Critical success. As you spout all this, you realize, “Oh, it’s a Dragon-type move”.

[A rumbly whoosh. Skip enters internal dialogue.]

Skip:             [thoughts echo] So… It doesn’t matter that fire’s coming out of its mouth. I mean, it’s not even red. It’s this purple flame. It’s totally a Dragon move. Dratini, I’m so sorry.

Xander:           [whispers] Is he okay?

Skip:             [thoughts echo] You are a Dragon, through and through.

Candace:          [whispers] It’s his moment, shut up.

Xander:           [whispers] Okay. Sorry.

Skip:             [thoughts echo] And one day you’re gonna sprout wings and you’re gonna [emotional] fly like a butterfly.

[A chime is heard as he returns to reality. The sounds of the crowd cheering returns.]

[groans] I’m back.

Sage:            Skip looks down to see that in his hand is the Rainbow Badge.

[The crowd cheers louder.]

Erika:            Now, let’s all enjoy the parade!

Sage:            And they do! Except for Officer Jenny. But that’s not because she’s an intolerant jerk.

[Danger-warning crime music.]

Officer Jenny:        There’s not time to enjoy any parades today, young folks.

[She coughs and vomit splashes on the ground.]

There’s still somethin’ else we gotta check out. And I know you guys are excited that you got your Badge, and that’s great, but we still haven’t found the Team Rocket hideout, and I think I know where it is.

[Candace switches to a bad Noir-voice, almost as if she’s drunk.]

Candace:          Oh, lady, lady, lady. I’ve put- I adjust my cap.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Officer Jenny:        Okay, well take your hat off because you failed the last time.

Xander:           John Wayne?

[Guitar chord. The group walks through the city.]

Sage:            There’s a little bit of confusion of who’s leading who to the Celadon Game Corner. Officer Jenny and Candace and Skip and Xander all kinda just walk together and look to the left and right and try to look for all the slot machines that are lying around. And they find the Celadon Game Corner and head inside.

[Automatic door slides open.]

It is still open for business, but there’s not as many people there.

[Slot machines clack.]

Also, it smells like puke.

[The group walks around the Game Corner.]

Officer Jenny:        Now, this seems promising to me.

Candace:          Yeah, it’s a good thing I found it.

Xander:           [mumbles] I think this is where my parents met.

Skip:             I don’t think I’m legally allowed to be inside of this building.

Candace:          Wait, Xander, where’s your dad?

Officer Jenny:        How old are you kids?

Candace:          Uh…

Skip:             Twenty-one?

Candace:          Old enough.

Xander:           If we tell you, are you gonna be embarrassed that you’re asking us for help on your police work?

[Beat.]

Officer Jenny:        So I think this is a good place to start looking for the Team Rocket hideout.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Can everybody roll me Sense?

Jessica:          Yes. [clears throat]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Great, it's all successes. You look straight across [amused] and there is a poster with an “R” on it.

[The group approaches the poster.]

Candace:          Well, uh, my senses, uh, because I’m a real good detective, uh, there’s an R right over there. Like Team Rocket.

Skip:             Hey, that’s the same R that was on the uniform we found.

Candace:          You bet it was- is.

Officer Jenny:        Well, pull the poster down. What’re you waiting for?

Xander:           Why would we pull the poster down?

[Skip grabs the top of the poster and tears it off the wall.]

Skip:             Yah!

Xander:           What’re—

Candace:          Oh.

Xander:           You want a closer look at it?

Skip:             Hey, guys. Look what’s behind this poster.

Xander:           Oh shit, there’s a switch there?

Sage:            A very mysterious-looking switch.

Candace:          Whoa.

Officer Jenny:        This is why you never question the police.

Xander:           You- there- no way. No way you coulda known that was there.

[Travis chuckles.]

Officer Jenny:        I just thought if there was nothing else, why not pull the poster down?

Xander:           [whispers] You’re asking children to help you.

Candace:          You’ve outsmarted me, Officer Jenny. I tip my hat to you.

Skip:             CLICK!

[A clank is heard and a power door groans open.]

Sage:            A passageway opens to their right and stairs form out of the ground into the basement. It looks like there are no lights on in- down there and it smells like dust.

Candace:          At least it’s not barf.

Skip:             Hey, Candace, why don’t you Flash this?

Candace:          You got it.

[Abra exits its Poké Ball.]

Xander:           There are no lights on in- down there.

Candace:          Abra, Flash.

[A high-pitched hum builds and an echoing chime goes off as Abra uses Flash.]

Credits

[The Team Rocket motif builds. Music morphs from 8-bit to hard rock.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David McEuen, Noah Sturtridge, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.

The original music from the Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

Bonus Halloween Special

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Bonus Halloween Special (w/ Chad Ellis of Station Blue)

Air Date: October 28, 2018

[Suspenseful music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         The following skit has absolutely no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use.

And quick content warning. While our stuff is typically focused on comedy, this is a horror story. So if you aren’t in the mood to be a little bit disturbed, maybe come back later or just feel free to skip it entirely. However, if you are in the mood for some terror and spooks, then you have come to the right place.

[Suspenseful music crescendos and fades out.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories!

Bonus Halloween Special (w/ Chad Ellis of Station Blue)

[Crickets chirp and owls hoot in the background. Suspenseful music plays throughout.]

Narrator:         Candace, Skip, and Xander, Pokémon trainer team otherwise known as “The Dream Police”, are continuing their travels through the rural routes of Kanto.

[The trio walk along a dirt road.]

Xander:           Hey, we know where we are, right?

Candace:          [irked] Yeah! Of course we know where we are… I think.

Skip:             It’s getting late. We should prob’ly just set up camp if we can find a clearing.

Candace:          Yeah. Pixie’s getting really restless.

Narrator:         Their current Route is unclear. But luckily, just ahead of them is the burning orange of a cozy campfire.

Candace:          GASP! You guys see that?

Skip:             That wasn’t us, was it?

Candace:          No, it’s probably a Backpacker! Let’s go!

[She hurries ahead and the others follow.]

Xander:           God, I hope they don’t wanna fight. [irked] Everybody always wants to fight.

Candace:          Hello, sir!

Matthew:        Ahh! Uh, oh. Pokémon trainers. Hey, there. I’m Matthew. Matthew Leads.

Xander:           [mumbles] Wait a second… Aw, [yells] is this a crossover episode?

[Suspenseful music intensifies.]

Candace:          I’m Candace!

Skip:             And I’m Skip!

Xander:           [sighs] Xander.

Skip:             Sorry to bother you, but we’re lookin’ for a place to camp and, well, it looks like you have lots o’ space around your fire. But if it’s too much trouble, we can—

Matthew:        Oh, no! Yeah, of course. Please, uh, settle in.

[Light-hearted music starts. Rustling from clothes, sleeping bags, and dirt as the trio settles in beside the fire.]

Skip:             What brings you out here?

Matthew:        In the woods? I’m a Backpacker. So I just travel around. Stray wherever the wind takes me. I usually prefer the cold.

Candace:          [sighs, content] It’s so cozy here. But also spooky. I feel like we’re about to start sharing scary stories.

Matthew:        [chuckles] I know a few.

Candace:          Oooo! Spooky story, spooky story!

Xander:           Can we just go to bed?

Matthew:        Have you heard the one about Lavender Town Syndrome?

[Music stops. A beat passes while crickets chirp and owls hoot.]

Xander:           [quietly] Lavender Town. That was…that was where all that weird stuff happened, right?

Skip:             [fearful] What’s the “syndrome” part?

Candace:          Maybe we could just hear another one. I—

[Suspenseful music plays. The fire crackles.]

Matthew:        It all—

[Candace gasps.]

—started seven years ago. Lavender Town was known for being small, mostly rural. The place where you’d stop after a trek through the Rock Tunnel. Throughout its history, it garnered fame through its graveyard known as the Pokémon Tower.

[A door slams in the distance.]

This is where people from all across Kanto came to pay respects for their fallen companions. In many ways, it signifies the loss of innocence, as many kids did not know that there was a fate beyond fainting. Pokémon can die, and this sad truth became part of the town and its legacy.

Because the Tower contained so many graves, and Lavender Town withheld so much sadness, reported sightings of ghosts became common over time. Especially from children.

Candace:          Like my Gastly!

Matthew:        More than that, some ghosts couldn’t be identified by the naked eye. They needed a Silph Scope to be seen.

Candace and Skip:     Ooooo.

Xander:           A what?

Matthew:        Eventually, some kids recalled hearing the ghosts whispering at night. Overactive imaginations, most parents assumed. So life went on as normal.

But everything changed when Trainer Red showed up seven years ago. You’ve heard of Trainer Red, right?

Skip:             Of course!

Matthew:        Around that time, stress was at its highest. Villagers were starting to hear the distant lament of lonely Cubone—

[The sad, distant howl of a Cubone in the distance.]

—crying at the moon for its mother, a Marowak.

If you didn’t know, every Cubone wears the skull of its dead mother as a helmet, as most Marowaks cannot survive the hatching of their offspring.

Over time, the sound of nightly mourning became much more than sadness.

[A tree cracks as it falls in the distance. Howling is heard.]

A ghostly howl began calling back in return to the Cubone’s cries. This worsened at every midnight—

[A clock chimes.]

—and ghostly sighting increased to a horrifying rate.

[Eerie whispers and laughter.]

Wispy figures with no pupils and wide, wide grins. Seen but for a moment and then vanishing with echoed laughter.

Kids again could not rest and were hearing these sounds every day and every night.

[Eerie whispers and clock chimes fade out.]

[Footsteps echo on a wood floor.]

When he visited Lavender Town, Trainer Red was able to identify a ghost when inside the Pokémon Tower.

[Eerie howl.]

It was a Marowak. Distressed over the loss of her son, Cubone. Through battle, Trainer Red defeated the ghost and her spirit faded, calming for eternity.

But no one had ever done this in Kanto before. The screamings only worsened after Trainer Red’s departure of Lavender Town, as the spirits of other Pokémon yearned for the same deletion given to the Marowak.

But no one came.

Instead, the Tower was forever flooded with these floating, perturbed ghouls. Citizens of Kanto were visiting the Tower less and less.

[Distant construction noises.]

And as it turns out, Lavender Town City Council had already secretly been preparing to convert the graveyard into a radio tower. They wanted to remove the legacy of dead Pokémon and spirits for good. And that’s when the suicides began.

[Eerie music begins. Ghostly child laughter echoes throughout.]

Over the course of a few weeks, the oft-ignored and restless children began committing suicide.

[A howl rings out.]

Deliberate hangings.

[Rope stretches.]

Jumping the Tower.

[Whoosh, splat!]

Stabbing one another with horrid cries of desperation.

[Multiple wet thuds.]

The final death toll was somewhere between one and two hundred. This is the unfortunate event we refer to as Lavender Town Syndrome.

[Eerie music and ghostly laugher crescendos. Laughter fades out.]

The radio tower was never finished and thus contact with residents of the town ceased. If you passed through, I’m sure you recall the high-pitched ringing.

[High-pitched ringing begins.]

Subtle but present. Humming in the back of your skull. Many say that these frequencies come from inside the radio tower and its unfinished telecoms. That it plays a song so sad, so sharp, and so dissonant that only young children can hear it. As you grow older, your ears develop. The sound escapes and cannot be heard.

But what others say, and what I believe, is that the sound of Lavender Town is actually the ghoulish cries from all the deceased Pokémon in the Tower, screaming and yearning for an escape from purgatory.

[Music slowly fades out. The crackling fire, owls, and crickets are heard again.]

Maybe it’s both. Maybe it’s neither. But to this day, most folks steer clear of Lavender Town in fear of that aural buzzing noise. The more you are exposed, the more the syndrome takes over.

It is said that, overwhelmed with sadness and guilt, many parents who lost their children turned to the cult of Channelers who lived inside the Pokémon Tower, and that, to this very day, they indulge in dark rituals, attempting to contact another realm and desperate to hear back from their forgotten children and Pokémon.

But no one knows if these rituals have ever been successful. More than likely, their souls will be lost forever.

[Eerie music fades out completely.]

[A beat passes in tense silence while crickets chirp and the fire crackles.]

[Skip and Xander shout over each other.]

Xander:           Jesus Christ that was depressing!

Skip:             That was a horrible story!

Candace:          Oh my god! I don’t wanna die!

Skip:             Thanks, mister!

Xander:           [mumbles] Oh, okay.

Skip:             We just wanted to have fun! And now we’re all sad!

Candace:          [yells] You need medication!

Xander:           Just awful!

Skip:             Let’s go, guys. We’ll make our own campfire.

[Cap twists off a canteen.]

Candace:          No more fire for you!

[The fire hisses as Candace dumps water on it.]

Matthew:        I was using that.

Candace:          [mockingly] Oh, I’m sorry! I thought you said you liked the cold. [scoffs]

[Footsteps crunch on dirt as the trio leaves. Their conversation fades into the distance.]

Xander:           You know, maybe some of that stuff was important.

Skip:             What a jerk. Right, guys?

Candace:          Seriously, the worst story I’ve ever heard. I actually miss my parents now.

Skip:             Me too.

Xander:           Okay…

[A Poké Ball wiggles nearby.]

Matthew:        Come out, Cubone.

[Cubone exits its Poké Ball and whimpers pitifully.]

I know. I know, buddy. It’s gonna be okay. They’ll learn soon enough.

[Eerie music crescendos and fades out.]

Interview with Chad Ellis and Credits

[Eerie music plays quietly throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         Hello!

My name is Sage G.C., I’m the sound designer and director of 20 Sided Stories, and I’m joined by…

Chad Ellis:        Chad Ellis. I’m the creator and voice actor for Station Blue.

Sage:            Yeah, he played Matthew Leads in this episode, which is the lead protagonist of his show, and I don’t know if you wanna talk about that?

Chad:         Sure! Yeah, so Station Blue’s all about that guy Matthew you heard. He’s a 20-something who takes a job as a caretaker of a research station in Antarctica.

The first season follows him alone there for six weeks dealing with all sorts of things that you would expect in Antarctica. There are storms, there’s him goin’ through his past, and then…I don’t- you’ve listened to the show. What d’you think they need to know?

Sage:            Yeah, no. Chad’s doin’ really great stuff with the show. I had the pleasure of writing some of the music for the show. So there is, like, a teeny little hint of bias. But I don’t ever hear the episodes before they release or anything. And I just made sure to stay caught up and I really like what he’s doing with it.

It’s got a lot of really good atmosphere, which is something that’s really important to me. So if you want somethin’ spooky right now, hit up Station Blue. Really good stuff. You just got, like, a big download number, didn’t you?

Chad:         Yeah! We just hit 100,000 downloads and counting!

Sage:            Yeah, that’s insane.

Chad:         So show’s doin’ really well.

Sage:            That’s awesome, man. Well, anyway, yeah, we thought it’d be fun to collaborate on this little Halloween episode.

20 Sided Stories still on hiatus, unfortunately, but I am chipping away at episodes 9-16 whenever I have the time. So for all my listeners, thank you so much for being patient and for all your kind words. And to all the new people who are showin’ up listening to the older stuff, that’s been super awesome to hear too.

And of course, thank you, Chad, so much for being a part of this.

Chad:         Of course. And I gotta shoutout since it’s Halloween time. Season two of 20 Sided Stories, Victoria is one of my favorite pieces of audio ever. It’s got ghosts, it’s got all that Victoria antics. It has frickin’, what is it? Buchanan. What’s Kate’s character?

Sage:            Matilda Buchanan.

Chad:         Matilda Buchanan is one of the greatest characters in all of actual play.

Sage:            Yeah, Twitter really made it clear that she is the best thing we’ve done. [chuckles]

Chad:         Oh, she’s wonderful.

Sage:            Awesome, so credits.

Xander played by Travis Reaves.

Candace played by Jessica Dahlgren.

Skip played by Greg Reasoner.

I was the Narrator in the beginning, and obviously,

Chad Ellis was Matthew Leads.

Pokémon themes that you heard by Junichi Masuda, obviously the original composer of Pokémon.

But I made the original arrangements and cover versions that you hear here, as well as additional music and sound design and stuff like that.

So thank you guys so much for listening to this. Hope you enjoyed our little bonus episode. 20 Sided Stories will resume shortly. Thank you, Chad.

Chad:         Heck yeah.

[Music fades out.]

#9 - Old Team Rocket Hideout

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 9 - Old Team Rocket Hideout

Air Date: March 5, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Episode 9 - Old Team Rocket Hideout

[Suspenseful, music; Grimey jazz rendition of the Team Rocket theme.]

Narrator:         Our trainers and Officer Jenny descend down the staircase into the ex-Team Rocket hideout. It looks extremely abandoned. It is dark and grimy, old machines are gathering dust, and the floor is covered in trash and rubble.

[Footsteps tap on stone steps.]

Candace:          Ugh, gross.

Skip:             Yeah, there hasn’t been any janitor service in here for what seems like months.

Candace:          Even years.

Xander:           [quietly] How long has Team Rocket not been around for?

Officer Jenny:        Seven years.

Candace:          I was right once again. On fire, NBD. [licks finger and hisses]

Skip:             This could be the camouflage for them to hide behind! We need to rush in there and seek ’em out. Let’s go, Dratini!

[Dratini trills. The music intensifies.]

Sage:            Skip runs into the darkness, beyond the light that Abra has illuminated, all by himself.

Skip:             Dratini, Dragon Rage!

Dratini:         BrrrrRRAAAbrbrbrrrrrrrr!

[Electric hum, flames rush.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Go ahead and roll me Effectiveness, Skip.

[Failure chime.]

Hmm. Our trainers sit there in silence for a couple moments looking towards the dark, not sure how to respond or help Skip.

Skip:             [shouts] Didn’t work, guys.

Sage:            And then he starts smelling smoke.

Candace:          [coughs] Oh, no.

Sage:            But it smells dirty. It’s definitely a black smoke, some kind of toxic gas is being leaked.

Candace:          Oh no. This doesn’t seem like smoke to a fire.

[Pokédex clicks open.]

Pokédex!

[The Pokédex beeps as it powers up.]

What is this mysterious smoke I smell?

Pokédots:       [glitches] Error. No Pokémon detected.

Candace:          Uh…

Xander:           Candace, I think there’s a gas leak. We need to get outta here.

Candace:          Oh, uh.

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

[shouts] Skip. Skip!

Xander:           [shouts] Skip!

Skip:             [shouts] I can’t see you guys!

Candace:          Skip.

Xander:           Skip, run back to the light!

Candace:          Come back to us!

Skip:             I’m gonna light a match.

Candace:          NO! No!

Xander:           NOO!

Candace:          No, no!

Officer Jenny:        Don’t do that.

Candace:          Come back, there’s a gas leak!

Skip:             Alright.

Candace:          Run back to us.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Skip can you go ahead and roll for Sense to see if you can find your way outta there?

[Success chime.]

Critical. So Skip looks around in the darkness and is able to kind of adjust to the environment. Realizes that the Dragon Rage that Dratini let off had in fact set a machine off in a corner of the room. No explosion, but there’s a small purple fire, which you recognize as Dratini’s signature-color fire, started on this machine with some gas. You remember exactly where you ran from, do a complete 180, and run back into the light.

[Shoes stomp along the stone floor as Skip runs back to the group.]

Skip:             Hey, we’re back, guys.

Candace:          Oh, thank god.

Skip:             I started a machine with my fire.

Officer Jenny:        You kids sure are gung-ho. You need to be more safe in here.

Skip:             We’re ready to gung-go!

Officer Jenny:        Let’s gung-take-it-slow, ’cause—

Xander:           Can we gung-leave? There’s a gas leak. I’m gonna gung-leave.

Candace:          Gung-whoa! I see a-a-a g- a g- a g…

Travis:          Walk back up the stairs. [chuckle]

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            Xander tries to exit. The latch has been closed.

[Metal lock clatters.]

Skip:             What’s goin’ on?

Xander:           [shouts] We’re locked in.

Skip:             Dratini, get ready to fight!

[Dratini trills.]

Xander:           What? No! There- we need to put out the- we’re gonna die, ’cause we’re gonna run outta air—

Candace:          Pixie.

[Candace throws a Poké Ball. Pixie the Ninetails exits and cries out.]

Get ready to fight.

Xander:           [exasperated] Oh my god! Ramona!

[Xander throws a Poké Ball. Ramona the Pidgeotto exits and cries out.]

Officer Jenny:        O-Okay. All the Pokémon in here are—

Xander:           Whirlwind that way. Whirlwind that way.

[Stat test chime.]

[Ramona cries out and flaps her wings. Wind swirls through the room.]

Sage:            Go ahead and roll me 1dF for Effectiveness.

[Failure chime.]

Not effective.

Xander:           Ramona!

[Ramona clucks.]

Come back.

[Ramona returns to her Poké Ball.]

Candace:          Uh…

Xander:           Well, that was my idea.

[Misadventure music.]

Officer Jenny:        Kids, I don’t know if havin’ your Pokémon out around here is the best idea. It seems like it’s really dangerous.

Candace:          Oh, I’m getting really dizzy, Officer Jenny.

Officer Jenny:        Oh no! What’s goin’ on—

Xander:           There’s a gas leak.

Officer Jenny:        —are you not feelin’ well?

Candace:          There’s a gas leak, Officer Jenny.

Officer Jenny:        How ’bout you kids? Are you feelin’ okay?

Skip:             I’m feelin’ okay. Hey, Dratini, Let’s clear some of the air. Twister!

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            The Twister ends up just grabbing a bunch of debris and swirling it around the room, hitting other machines and also our trainers a little bit.

[Everyone cries out in pain. Once the debris settles, Candace groans.]

Xander:           I’m fine.

Sage:            Everybody’s okay, but Dratini is disoriented.

Skip:             Aw, Dratini!

Sage:            Officer Jenny, can you go ahead and roll me Smarts?

[Stat test chime.]

[Dratini trills.]

Go ahead and take those two dFudge and roll them in the center.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Success! Okay, so Officer Jenny puts together that she’s feelin’ a little slow. The sickness has not gone away, and the fact that she’s inhaling gas of some kind is also not a good idea. She thinks that they have to go in a little bit deeper, but as quickly as possible to find a key to get their way out.

[Jazzy misadventure music.]

Officer Jenny:        Alright kids, this is not safe here, but I don’t think I can be in the smoke anymore, I’m super not feelin’ well. We need to go a little bit deeper.

Candace:          Into it?

Xander:           Hold on. [unimpressed chuckle] So you want us to go deeper into the gas leak that is slowly killing you?

Officer Jenny:        Well, if I’m not mistaken it looks like there’s some other hallways down here, and we can go down one where the gas isn’t.

[Air rushes by as Skip runs off.]

Skip:             [distant] You’re not moving fast enough!

[Skateboard rolls across the stone floor, fading away.]

Xander:           God dammit.

Officer Jenny:        I think that’s a “yes”.

Candace:          [groans weakly] Well, where else are we gonna go, Xander?

Xander:           Alright, here we go.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

[Music fades out.]

Sage:            And so our reluctant trainers go into the darkness of ex-Team Rocket. They start to adjust. Of course, Abra is illuminating a small path in front of them.

[Stat test chime.]

Go ahead and roll me Sense, Candace and Xander.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Travis grunts.]

[Net chime.]

You guys travel for a couple of minutes through this basement and its traversing hallways and you find that Skip is nowhere to be heard or found. Seen. Uh, you don’t know where he is. Lost!

[Low, suspenseful music starts to build.]

They see these weird platforms with arrows on them. They don’t seem to be doing anything. But you look a couple of platforms in front of you and there’s a shoe.

Candace:          [worried] Is this- is this Skip’s shoe?

Officer Jenny:        I don’t see him. Where’d he go?

Candace:          I don’t know. But there’s a shoe on this platform, and it looks around the size of Skip’s shoe. So, uh, I think it’s Skip’s.

Xander:           [hesitant] Skip?

Candace:          Skiii-Ski-Ski-Skiiip?

Xander:           Why are you stuttering? Skip?

Candace:          Sk-Sk-Sk-Sk-Skiiiip?

Officer Jenny:        This day can’t get any worse.

Xander:           Skip?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Please roll me Sense to see if you can hear them.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Jessica groans.]

He does not. As a matter of fact, during their travel through the basement, Skip encountered these platforms which seem to be turning off and on sporadically. He had stepped on a platform and it shot him forward, spun him out, and Skip is currently at the opposite end of the room, dazed and hanging out with his Dratini around his neck, trying to stay awake as the gas inhales and starts to pass him out.

[Music stops.]

Skip:             Guys?

[Beat.]

Hey, Dratini, how ya doin’?

[Teamwork motif gently plays on guitar.]

Dratini:         [weak] Brrr.

Skip:             [scoffs] Tell me about it. You know, if I never see Klara again, this’ll be pretty sad.

Dratini:         Brr! BrRbrr.

Skip:             [chuckles] I know, I love you too.

Dratini:         Brr. Br.

[Platforms click throughout. Dark misadventure music echoes.]

Sage:            Cut back to Candace and Xander and Officer Jenny looking at all these arrowed platforms and they start to notice a pattern. Every now and again, they’ll turn on and zip a little bit, zap a little bit, and it’ll turn back off.

Xander:           [mumbles] What the fuck?

Candace:          Whoa. What’s going on?

Xander:           The floor’s zippin’ and zappin’.

Officer Jenny:        Wait a minute, kids! I think this floor does something!

Xander:           Stand on it then.

Candace:          No! No, no, no, no, no!

Officer Jenny:        I know what we do. Give me Skip’s shoe.

[Stat test chime.]

Candace:          Okay, I’m gonna carefully grab the shoe off this platform.

[Footsteps scuff as Candace slowly moves toward the platform. She eases down to pick up the shoe.]

[quiet] I’m very cautious about this right now.

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Single success. You grab the shoe and it turns on, but you’re good.

[Candace jumps back and returns to the others.]

Officer Jenny:        Okay, what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna place the shoe on the platform when it lights up.

Xander:           You mean the platform we just took it off?

Officer Jenny:        When it lights up.

Candace:          There’s multiple platforms.

Xander:           I just- I’m sorry, I’m just a little frustrated with your policing methods at this point.

Officer Jenny:        This is detective work, young man. This is difficult.

[Everyone begins slurring their words.]

Candace:          Yeah, you wouldn’t know anything about that, ’cause you’re the furthest thing from a dete- detective, right, Officer Jenny?

Officer Jenny:        That’s right.

Candace:          I am s- I know my stuff.

Xander:           You’re takin’ in too much gas, Candace, you’re startin’ to sound stupid.

[Greg laughs.]

Candace:          You know what?

Xander:           What?

Candace:          You’re stupid! ’Cause you’re taking just the same amount of gas, so…

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Can the three of you roll me health?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Failure chime.]

[Failure chime.]

[Stifled laughter.]

Wow. They all fail. So everybody has rolled failures except for Officer Jenny, who rolled a critical failure.

Travis:          That’s your tax dollars at work, everybody. [snickers]

Officer Jenny:        Kiddos, [clears throat] I know it’s stressful. I know you’re stressed out, but I’m really not feelin’ too well. We need to find your friend, and we need to figure our way outta here.

Sage:            She collapses to the floor.

[Officer Jenny’s eyes roll back and she collapses with a heavy thud.]

[Misadventure music.]

Candace:          Um…Officer Jenny?

Xander:           Oh, no. Hey, lady!

Candace:          Give her mouth-to-mouth!

Xander:           What? N—

Candace:          I would do it- I- I don’t know how.

Xander:           I don’t know how.

Candace:          Don’t you, like, live in the trailer park by, like, the water?

Xander:           What does that have to do with anything?

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Well, I’m- I- [chuckles drunkenly] I imagine that you would know how to do CPR. ’Cause you’re, like, basic survival mode.

Xander:           Hey, do you have a fireplace in your house?

Candace:          Yeah?

Xander:           Are you a lumberjack?

[Beat.]

[Greg laughs.]

Shut the fuck up, Candace.

[Candace squawks in indignation.]

Hey, lady!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Please, Xander, roll me Agility.

Candace:          Officer Jenny?

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Success! You’re shaking Officer Jenny and you notice all of the arrows turn on at once and then you have the wherewithal to—

[Travis laughs.]

—just barely grab her body and lift her before she catapults across the room.

[Travis laughs harder.]

But you see that flash in your head for a moment.

[Music stops.]

Candace:          Wow! That was zippy fast!

Xander:           [groans] Oh my god.

Candace:          You’re sweating!

Xander:           Ugh. [mumbles] I’ve had better days.

Candace:          Well, no duh. We’re trapped in this basement and there’s a gas leak. Our friend is missing, and Officer Jenny is, like, dead in your arms. Well, she may not be dead. Will you check her pulse?

Xander:           I don’t know, is she breathing?

[Beat.]

Candace:          Okay, she’s alive.

Xander:           [quiet] She’s breathing.

Candace:          What’re we gonna do? How do we get outta here? Should we go on one of these platforms?

Xander:           Maybe it’ll run us into Skip.

Candace:          I guess. Maybe.

Xander:           We can ride her like a toboggan.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Alright. I mean, she’s already passed out. And she’s the grown-up, so it just makes the most logical sense to do it. Sorry, Officer Jenny.

[Surfy, misadventure music.]

Sage:            Our two trainers lay down Officer Jenny on an arrow platform and sit on her, kind of straddling over like a toboggan.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          You’re as good as a toboggan as you are a police officer.

[Laughter.]

Xander:           [Travis stifles laughter] Which is to say not very.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Can both of you please roll me Luck?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Jessica:          Uck, god dammit.

[Success chime.]

Travis:          Straight up fool runnings.

Sage:            You both wait for what feels like an eternity. It’s probably only really like a minute and a half in real time.

Candace:          That’s a long time!

Xander:           [groans] Oh my god.

Sage:            But down in the darkness it feels like a long time.

Xander:           I’m sitting on a lady.

Candace:          I have such a big headache.

Sage:            And then they all turn on—

Xander:           If you don’t make it outta this—

Sage:            —and launch forward.

[Music intensifies and builds into a frenzy.]

[Candace and Xander scream as they get thrown around the maze. Platforms click with each turn.]

Into another arrow. And then another arrow, hangs them to the right and, like white rapids, they start riding Officer Jenny and smacking her head into various walls in the basement of Team Rocket. They end up hitting a corner.

Candace:          OW! Ugh. Whoa.

Sage:            Look to their right—

Candace:          [yells] Skip!

[Pokémon Main motif gently plays.]

Xander:           [weak] We found you.

Candace:          Skip.

Skip:             [groans] Oh.

Candace:          Skip.

Xander:           Skip.

[Dratini trills]

Skip:             [weak] Candace. Oh, hey.

Candace:          Hey.

Skip:             Oh, hey, Xander.

Xander:           Hey.

Skip:             Oh, hey, Officer Jenny.

Xander:           Uh-uh.

Candace:          She’s out.

Skip:             Uh-oh.

Xander:           We rode her.

Skip:             What?

Candace:          Like a- like a toboggan.

Skip:             Is that why she’s dead?

Candace:          She’s not dead, she’s—

Xander:           [groans] Oh, she’s dead!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Why don’t you roll me Smarts.

Travis:          Me?

Sage:            Yes.

Travis:          [mumbles] Oh, shit.

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            [chuckles] Critical failure. Xander goes up to Jenny, puts two fingers—

Greg:          On her eyes.

Sage:            [chuckles] On her eyes.

Xander:           I think this might end up being the best day of her life.

Candace:          Mm.

Skip:             Alright.

Candace:          Okay.

Skip:             Well, I’m not carryin’ her…by myself. But we can carry her as a team!

Candace:          Abra, Flash!

[High-pitched humming. A chime echoes as Flash goes off.]

[Suspenseful music begins.]

Sage:            Lights up the room. You see this huge puzzling labyrinth of arrows and hallways. All of these platforms that spin and launch making up some kind of weird, almost like amusement park inside of this base for reasons you cannot figure out.

Candace:          [gasps] Whoa.

Xander:           How did they get anything done here?

Skip:             Well, we need to pick a direction to go. I’m gonna spin around in a circle and I’m gonna point at one of them.

[Stat test chime.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Skip steps on a platform and it launches him forward. But he’s okay, he doesn’t hit-

Skip:             Whoa- wai- whoa!

Sage:            Just, whoa, bounces around a little bit, and then he stops.

Skip:             Hey guys, I’m in another room!

Candace:          Should we, like, follow you?

Skip:             Yeah!

Candace:          Okay.

Xander:           [quiet] Alright, let’s just sit on this lady and go.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Both of you roll me Luck.

[Failure chime.]

[Net chime.]

You step on the platform, the zip zap jolts of this arrow is far quicker than the other one.

Candace:          Oh no.

[Zaps and jolts throughout.]

Sage:            It pushes you guys off of Officer Jenny, and then Officer Jenny separates to a separate part of the platform and you end up with Skip.

[Music darkens and growls.]

Xander:           Shit!

Candace:          Officer Jenny!

Skip:             If only one of us had a flying Pokémon to pick her up!

[A Poké Ball is tossed and a Pokémon exits. A drum beat starts.]

Ramona:         Pidgeyoooo!

Xander:           Alright, Ramona, look at me.

Ramona:         Pii.

Xander:           See that lady over there?

Ramona:         Piidgeo!

Xander:           You gotta pick up that lady.

Ramona:         [confused] Pidgeyoo?

[Stat test chime.]

[Failure chime.]

[Ramona cries out and flaps away.]

Sage:            She’s able to lift her, but she can’t fly all the way back to you. She’s getting very irritated by all the gas.

[Ramona coughs and falls to the floor with a thud.]

[Laughter.]

Xander:           Alright, come back.

[Ramona returns to her Poké Ball.]

Skip:             Do you think she’s just gonna be safe there?

Candace:          Xander, you just suck! Like, if your Pidgeotto was better, it would get Officer Jenny over here.

Skip:             Hey, Candace, come on.

Candace:          Sorry, it’s the gas—

Xander:           No, no- don’t- don’t fight my battles for me, Skip. Alright you and- and you.

Candace:          I think you’re drunk.

Xander:           You’re drunk! Fuck you! You been—

Candace:          I think you’re high on the gas.

Xander:           You know what I’m high on?

Candace:          You’re doin’ the dope.

Xander:           I’m high on you bein’ high on yourself!

Skip:             Guys, we’re a team, and if we don’t work as a team, we’re never gonna get through this.

Xander:           Oh, no. No, I jus—

Candace:          Every time we do the team pose, he never does anything!

Xander:           Because I never asked to be on a team with you guys.

Skip:             I’m totally down to hash this out, but right now we have a limited supply of oxygen.

Candace:          Ah, nuts. You’re right.

Skip:             Officer Jenny’s an adult. She knows what she’s doing.

Xander:           Officer Jenny’s bad at her job!

Candace:          She’s passed out.

Xander:           And that’s her fault!

Candace:          [quiet] Well…

Skip:             Look, we’ve just figured out a lot of things together.

Xander:           [shouts] She let children into an underground crime lair!

Candace:          [shouts] Hey, hey, hey, hey! I—

Xander:           [shouts] In which one of them sprung a gas leak!

Candace:          I started the lead down here. So I led us down here. Officer Jenny helped me. ’Cause I have detective skills as well, if you forgot.

Skip:             Did you try Gust?

[Beat.]

Xander:           [mumbles] No.

Skip:             Why don’t you give it a shot?

[Beat.]

I believe in you.

[Ramona exits her Poké Ball and cried out.]

Xander:           [mumbles] Pidgeotto. Use Gust.

[Success chime.]

[Ramona cries and flaps hard. Wind swirls away.]

Sage:            And the gas is pushed into the other room momentarily.

[Everyone takes a relieved breath.]

Skip:             Great!

Candace:          Whew!

Skip:             Good job, Xander.

Candace:          [relieved] Ah, air.

[The music calms; Pokemon Main motif.]

Sage:            You see that it will creep back slowly, but it gives you more time to explore and figure out how to get out.

Candace:          Guys—

Skip:             Look down there.

[Xander coughs.]

Candace:          Look where?

Skip:             Down there.

[The group runs over to inspect what Skip pointed out.]

Sage:            You see a brand new arrow platform.

Candace:          Whoa. Let’s stand on it!

Skip:             I bet this is gonna work out!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Sage:            Everybody roll Luck.

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

Special Thanks

[Radio switches on.]

Jessica, Sage, Travis:   [together] Hello! (Hey!)

Sage:           My name is Sage.

Jessica:          I’m Jessica

Travis:          I’m Travis.

Sage:           You know who we are. We run this show and we wanna thank a bunch of awesome people today. People who supported us on Patreon. Starting with,

Doren P.

Travis:          SushiMonster555

Jessica:          Sage’s mom, Tanya.

Sage:           Thanks, Mom! AudioDramaRama, @Audiodramarama on Twitter.

Travis:          Cassey A.

Jessica:          SodaJuice

Sage:           Cazgirl, @cazgirl_plays on Twitter

Travis:          Ian E.

Jessica:          Matthew S.

Sage:           TinTinK that’s @addicteduser on Twitter. [mumbles] Gettin’ all the Twitter users.

Travis:          Cassey C.

Jessica:          Christine T.

Sage:           Savio S.

Travis:          Eugene C.

Jessica:          Gary M.C.

Sage:           Jeremy Dirado, fan of...friend of the show. [chuckles]

Travis:          He’s a fan-friend!

Sage:           Jeffery Alli.

Jessica:          Arden H.

Sage:           Dominic H.

Travis:          Heather G.

Jessica:          Sydney B.

Sage:           Chad Ellis, another fan-friend of the show @StationBluePod on Twitter.

Travis:          Station Blue podcast! I live in his garage!

Robert K.

Jessica:          Trilunis

Sage:           M. Johnston Media.

Travis:          Ross P. that’s @RossPappa on Twitter.

Jessica:          Garret R. [sings] They heard of us on the MACABREVERSE and the VICTORIA.

Sage:           [laughs] What accent is that? What are you doing?

Travis:          What is that are you doing? [chuckles] What is happening?

Jessica:          I don’t fucking know!

Travis:          Garrett, he’s our friend.

Sage:           Erin A. and Teela, her amazing wonder daughter, @mightywench on Twitter.

Jessica:          Our Officer Jenny! Mariah Ramblas. And Cygnus, which I’m praying I pronounce correctly.

Sage:           That’s everybody who pledged support. We have so much gratitude for all of you and thank you so much. Like—

Travis:          So much! I’ve got bags of gratitude!

Jessica:          Just literal shopping bags of it!

Sage:           And if you want to join this hype squad and being a patron for 20 Sided Stories.

[Jessica makes airhorn sound.]

[chuckles] Thank you so much, Jess. You can go to patreon.com/20sidedstories, we have—

[Music cuts off.]

Oh, god, what is happening?

Travis:          Hmm? ’S that me?

Sage:           [amused] There is a lot of noise coming from your end of the headphones.

Travis:          ’Kay, hold on.

[Beat.]

[distant, yells] Shut up, I’m recording something!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[Door slams in background.]

Continue.

[Jessica burps.]

[Music resumes.]

Sage:           You can go to patreon.com/20sidedstories and get yourself an Adventure Pass.

[Jessica cheers.]

It’s $3 a month starting the second you sign up, and you get your own private feed with a bunch of exclusive content, including MACABREVERSE and VICTORIA 1890 that are now Patreon exclusive. Our first two seasons.

Jessica:          Also!

Travis:          Most recently, our Pokémon: Session Zero. This is where we talked about what we wanted to do with the game. We created the characters, filled out their backstories, picked our starters. You get to find out how I got a Mudkip. Spoiler alert—

Sage:           It’s [chuckles] really, really—

Travis:          I didn’t choose it.

Sage:           It’s as embarrassing as you would expect.

Travis:          Yeah!

Sage:           Our original goal was to fundraise for transcripts. Now that we’ve switched to monthly, that's totally gonna be possible and those are still gonna come after the finale, so... What else is there to cover? I think that’s pretty much everything.

Jessica:          You are awesome and you are loved! [sings] Thank you so much for bein’ a part of our family!

Sage:           [chuckles and sings] This is my favorite song!

Jessica:          [sings] This is the best—

Travis:          [sings] Also if you subscribe, you get new shit every month.

Jessica:          [sings] Mm, mm! Follow me at @CandyCarterWins on Twitter!

Sage:           [chuckles] Okay, get outta here. Get outta- [chuckles]

The Adventure Pass will be updated every single month with something new. So if that sounds cool to you, go to patreon.com/20sidedstories. Otherwise, we’re gonna let you guys get back to the episode. Thank you, guys, so much for the warm reception, it feels great to be back.

We’re gonna be updating weekly all the way through to episode 16, the finale.

Travis:          As always you can hit us up on Twitter through @20SidedStories. We wrote our character accounts and I love you.

Sage:           All that shit’s in the description. We love you as well!

Jessica:          Everything you just said, Travis, is irrelevant.

Sage:           [chuckles] Travis, you’re terrible get outta here. You’re fired.

Travis:          [shouts] Ah, no god dammit!

Jessica:          Okay, bye!

Travis:          Bye!

[Radio switches off.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Koffing!

 [Koffing cry.]

Old Team Rocket Hideout - Part II

[Jazzy music; a light-hearted Team Rocket Theme.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Everybody roll Luck. Let’s get a group poll going.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Net chime.]

Net, success, and net. Alright. They step on the platform and launch forward. Go ahead and give me some “Whoa!”s.

Dream Police:         Whooooaaaaaaaa!

[Platforms whirl and click.]

Sage:            And they stop on a small platform where they see a satchel with a red “R” on it.

Candace:          Oh no. Guys!

Skip:             A red R?

Candace:          That’s just like the suits!

Skip:             It must be Team Rocket!

[Candace groans in annoyance.]

Uck. My least favorite team.

Candace:          They’re the worst!

Skip:             Xander, how do you feel about Team Rocket?

Xander:           I don’t know anything about them. I don’t care.

Skip:             Right, guys!

Xander:           I just wanna leave.

[Candace scoffs.]

Skip:             Alright, I’m grabbin’ it.

Candace:          What d’you find?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll me Luck.

[Net chime.]

Skip:             A net!

Sage:            Mmm, alright. You know what?

Skip:             I found a net!

[Chuckling.]

Sage:            You find a net that Team Rocket most likely uses to catch Pokémon. Very old and dusty. There’s a lot of withered pieces. It’s not very useful, but among sifting through, you also find six Rare Candies.

[Cloth rustles as Skip sets the net down and searches through the satchel. Item Found chime. Candace cries out happily.]

Skip:             Check it out, guys. Not only did I find six Rare Candies, but these Caterpies that we run into are goin’ down.

[Cloth rustles as he holds up the tattered net.]

I found a net.

Candace:          That’s pretty cool. Should we feed these Candies to our Pokémon, or save ’em?

Skip:             You’re the one who knows the most about Pokémon.

Candace:          You’re totally right, I do! Uh…

Skip:             That’s why you’re the brains of this team.

Candace:          Yes, I am! Duh, I know everything. Uh…

Skip:             And Xander, you’re the talent.

[Xander opens his Pokédex.]

Xander:           Pokédex, what do the Rare Candies do?

Pokédex:        [beep] Rare Candy. A special sweet treat for your Pokémon. Levels them up by one point.

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

Candace:          Yeah, so, um, the Rare Candies level our, uh, Pokémon up by one point.

Skip:             Here you go, Dratini.

[Wrapper crinkles as Skip opens the candy. Dratini trills happily.]

Candace:          Alright, Abra. This one’s for you.

Sage:            And right before Candace goes to feed her Rare Candy to Abra, they hear footsteps behind them.

[Suspenseful music. Light footsteps tap closer and closer.]

Candace:          [frantic whisper] Shhh, shh, shh! Shut the fuck up!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

[whispers] Do you hear that? Sh-shut the fuck up.

Skip:             [whispers] Which direction is he coming from?

Xander:           [whispers] Nobody’s saying—

Candace:          [whispers] Shut the fuck up!

Xander:           [whispers] Nobody’s saying anything. Don’t ask me a question if you don’t—

Candace:          [whispers] Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up!

Xander:           [whispers] Shh, shh. You shut the fuck up. Shut—

Candace:          [whispers] Shit face.

Skip:             [yells] Who’s there?

Xander:           [groans] Oh my god!

Candace:          [whispers] Oh, you stupid!

[Footsteps tap closer. A raspy throat-clear.]

Man:                [raspy] What’re you kids doin’ down here?

Skip:             [shouts] Who are you?

Man:                Uh. Uh, it’s been so long.

Skip:             You forgot your name?

Jeff:          Mmm. Jeff.

Xander:           What?

[Travis chuckles.]

Candace:          Jeff?

Skip:             That’s what we’ll call you, but I don’t believe that’s your actual name!

Travis:          What does Jeff look like?

Sage:            Jeff looks like he’s dying.

Travis:          Oh, shit.

Sage:            He is at the thinness that is right between alive—

[Candace gasps.]

—and- and a corpse.

[Backpack zips open and a wrapper crinkles.]

Candace:          Want my PB&J sandwich?

Jeff:          You have a sandwich down here?

Candace:          Yeah, I made it myself in the beginning of our trip and I’ve been saving it for a moment like this.

Skip:             Whoa, hold up! Don’t feed him the entire sandwich.

Candace:          Why?

Skip:             Because of the state of hunger he’s in, that could make him even more sick and die.

Candace:          Okay, here’s a crumb of it. It’s a little piece.

Jeff:          You’re gonna give me that whole sandwich, little girl!

Skip:             Hey, Jeff, back off!

Candace:          We’re looking out for your best interests!

Jeff:          Are you threatening me?

Xander:           [quiet] That sandwich doesn’t look like it’s good anymore.

Jeff:          Give me it now, or I’m gonna send out one o’ my Pokémon.

Skip:             [shouts] Send ’im out! We’re not afraid!

Sage:            He takes off some dirty sweater that he was wearing and found down here—

[Candace groans.]

—and reveals the uniform—the really old uniform—of Team Rocket.

[Suspenseful music intensifies.]

Skip:             No sympathy here, ex-Team Rocket Member!

Candace:          I’ve never even heard of you, Jeff.

Jeff:          What d’you mean you’ve never heard of Team Rocket Grunt Jeff?

Skip:             Hear about this! Dratini, go!

[Team Rocket Theme slams in on rock guitars!]

Dratini:         [determined] Brr! Br br br brr brr brbr bRr!

Travis:          [chuckles] Dratini played by Miles Davis.

[Laughter.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Go, cobra- I mean, Arbok!

Xander:           [quiet] Just in case any of you hadn’t figured that out yet.

[Jeff throws a Poké Ball and Arbok exits, hissing.]

Skip:             Dratini, Thunder Wave!

[Dratini trills, Thunder Wave zaps.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     No, you can’t do that.

[Crinkling is heard as Arbok sheds its skin.]

Because Arbok doesn’t get Paralyzed, ’cause he knows Shed Skin.

Xander:           Gross.

[Dratini trills.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Arbok, use Pursuit.

[Arbok hisses. It launches forward and hits Dratini, who trills in pain.]

Oh no, all of his skin’s been shed. Arbok! Are you out of skin to shed? Are you shedding so much skin that you’re just a hunk o’ meat?

Xander:           Stop talkin’ about skin!

Skip:             Get ready to feel the burn of my Dragon Rage!

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     No, Arbok, you gotta be able to move!

[Dratini trills. Electronic hum, flames surge forward.]

Come on, use Glare. Stare at ’im. Stare at Dratini’s soul until he freezes up.

[Vibrating chimes are heard as Arbok Glares at Dratini. Crinkling as Dratini sheds her skin.]

Xander:           Whoa, Dratini’s shedding his skin too.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Wait, what the fuck?

Skip:             Guess what, buddy? [scoffs] Dratini’s not outta this fight! Dratini, finish ’im off! Let’s do a Dragon Rage!

[Dratini trills. Electronic hum, flames rush toward Arbok.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     No, no, no, that does- no! No, Arbok!

[Arbok hisses in pain and falls down with a thud. Jeff pants in anxiety.]

Xander:           [cautioning] Small hallway.

Skip:             When you play with fire, you end up dead!

[Arbok returns to its Poké Ball.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Oh, I loved that snake. I would wear that snake around my neck.

[Jeff tosses another Poké Ball and Golbat exits.]

I caught it outside o’ my house—

Skip:             A Golbat?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     —in my backyard in—

Xander:           Careful, this could be your future.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     —near- near the pond.

Skip:             Oh, sorry.

Candace:          Yeah, that sounds a lot like how you found—

Xander:           Hold on, wait, wait. Hold on, what’d you say?

[Record scratch. Music stops.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     I caught that snake outside my house in my backyard near a pond.

Xander:           And you’d wear it around your neck?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     And I’d wear it around my neck.

Xander:           Do you also think you’re the best?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     I’m the best!

Xander:           Guys, this is—

Candace:          Are you also in love with a girl named Klara?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Klara Ann.

[Suspenseful music resumes.]

Candace:          Whoa, this is… [gasps]

Xander:           Okay, so this- I think we’re all still really high.

Skip:             He sent out a Golbat. Can I fight it, guys?

Xander:           I think this- are you from the future?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Am I from the fut- what are you some kinda stupid fuckin’ idiot?

Xander:           Hey!

Candace:          Jeez!

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     So is that a “no” or…

Xander:           No!

Candace:          [scoffs] He’s just poor.

Xander:           Yeah! Wait, what? Hey.

Candace:          What?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Golbat…

Xander:           Is that how you see poor people?

[Music quiets.]

Candace:          What?

Xander:           Do you think all poor people are stupid?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     [mumbles] Okay, I- I wasn’t tryin’ to start anything.

Candace:          No! No, I just said you’re poor. You’re not, like, dumb.

Xander:           [irked] Those are two… I mean, it just seems like you connected those two in your mind.

Candace:          No! I- I’m ju- I’m just saying it’s, like, your only fault is that you’re poor.

Xander:           [angry] Tha- that’s my fault?

Skip:             [stage whispers] Psst. Dratini, Thunder Wave.

[Dratini trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

[Battle music resumes!]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     No! Golbat, use Air Cutter!

[Golbat screeches and flaps its wings. Air slices toward Dratini.]

Get the wind and cut right through it. That’s right.

[Dratini trills weakly.]

You’re down to 56%, Dratini. I see you. Half of your tail is shed, but the rest of it is not.

Skip:             Don’t worry, Dratini! We can sweat this off! But he’s not gonna be able to sweat off the heat that we’re gonna bring!

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Wait a minute. No.

Skip:             Because the fire that’s gonna come outta your mouth is gonna cause so much damage, he’s gonna feel the burn.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     No!

Skip:             Alright, Dratini. Together, as the Dream Police, let’s bring it.

Xander and Skip:        Dragon Rage!

Xander:           I called it.

[Dratini trills. Electronic hum, flames rush forward.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     No, no, no! Golbat, you gotta move! Quit bein’ Paralyzed like a robot.

[Golbat cries out in pain as Dragon Rage hits it.]

Shed your skin. Use some kind of echolocation! Fly around the room! Find us an exit! Golbat, it’s been years!

Xander:           You guys talk so much!

Skip:             Alright, Dratini. I’ve had enough and so have my friends. They’re sick and tired of us monologuing and going on with this fight that never seems to end.

Candace:          What are you guys saying? I can’t even hear you!

Skip:             [over his shoulder] Excuse me, I’m in the middle of this. [at Dratini] Dratini! Look at me.

Dratini:         Br.

Skip:             Make eye con—

Dratini:         Br!

Skip:             There we go. Alright, look back at your opponent.

Dratini:         Brr!

Skip:             Never break eye contact with your opponent.

[Jeff sneezes loudly.]

You’re doing great!

Candace:          Bless you!

Skip:             Alright, don’t be distracted by his grossness.

Dratini:         Bbrbrbrrrr!

Skip:             Bring the flame, bring the fury. It’s time for Dragon Rage!

[Dratini trills. Electronic hum, flames shoot at Golbat.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     [mumbles] Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard a million times. [normal] Golbat, use… No.

Xander:           He fainted.

[Golbat falls to the ground with a thud.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Golbat!

Skip:             Candace, use Crumb of a Sandwich!

Candace:          Uh, Crumb of a Sandwich! Throwin’ it right at you, Jeff.

[Candace throws a piece of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     The fuck are you doin’ that for?

Skip:             Tryin’a feed you, man.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Oh. [growls and chews]

Candace:          You feel better? You a little less hangry?

[Jeff mumbles.]

Xander:           Are you outta Pokémon?

Candace:          You prob’ly shouldn’t battle—

Xander:           Are you outta Pokémon?

Candace:          —Pokémon when you’re hangry.

Xander:           You’re done, right? We’re done?

Candace:          D’you want anoth—

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     What’re you kids doin’ down here, fuckin’ with Team Rocket?

Skip:             It’s amazing! Although his body is totally weak, his fighting spirit seems to be at full potential!

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     You didn’t answer my question at all.

Xander:           We accidented here.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     You “accidented”? Oh, you sure you’re not tryin’ to foil Team Rocket’s master [burps] plans?

Skip:             Team Rocket was disbanded years ago.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Y-yeah, so what? We- we had a- we had a re- cult goin’. We had a revolution [sighs] couple years after. Didn’t really work out. But it’s gonna happen again, I bet. So long as I get outta here.

Skip:             Right, you admitted it! And I recorded the entire thing on my Pokédex!

[Pokédex beeps.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     What?

Skip:             Guess what, buddy? You’re goin’ down.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Goin’ down where?

Candace:          [shouts] Yeah, Team Rocket sucks!

Xander:           Yeah, we brought a police officer!

Skip:             We’re junior police!

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Oh, yeah? Well, where is she?

Xander:           She’s resting.

Candace:          She’s—

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Resting?

Skip:             She’s our backup!

[Suspenseful music builds.]

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Arresting who?

Candace:          Your friends.

Xander:           Your leader.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     What?

Xander:           Right now!

Candace:          Yeah, right now!

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Giovanni?

Xander:           Yeah!

Candace:          Yeah, that’s right!

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     I thought Giovanni disappeared into Seafoam Islands and never came back.

Candace:          Seafoam Islands?

Xander:           He came back and we…got ’im.

Candace:          Yeah, we got all your friends. You know? Like…

Xander:           Craig.

Candace:          And…

Skip:             Zach!

Candace:          …Cody!

Skip:             Blue!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Confidence.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Net chime.]

Alright, success and net. So he believes your bluff.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Okay.

Xander:           It’s all over, man.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Alright, alright. Fine, fine, fine.

Xander:           All over.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Fine. I was really close to gettin’ outta here, you know? And then I heard your noises, saw your Flashes. Finally I was puttin’ the whole puzzle together. The whole map, you know? They haven’t been here in years.

Xander:           So you know how to get outta here, right?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     I think so.

Candace:          Yeah?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Yeah.

Xander:           You wanna- you wanna help us get outta here?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Yeah, sure.

Xander:           And you won’t get arrested, maybe?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     Alright, yeah.

Greg:          We all wink at each other.

[Suspenseful music shifts into a dark drone.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            On your way there, group pool, roll for Sense.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Net chime.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Greg:          I got a net!

Sage:            Critical success, net, and- and Hidden Power.

Greg:          Oh! Uh, Wisdom.

Sage:            Alright, perfect.

Jessica:          Whoo!

Travis:          Wow.

Sage:            So, as Skip and the Dream Police go through the Team Rocket hideout, Skip remembers that this might be their only chance to find some evidence on this new wave of Team Rocket and their return and who’s involved and how Cedric somehow was working with them and who had that shirt on the boat. So he starts pulling out drawers of filing cabinets and searching for any proof and any clues. And he comes across a journal.

Old and dusty, a lot of the entries inside of it are unreadable, but some of them are.

[Page rustles as the book opens. Giovanni Motif pulses.]

Dear Diary,

 - One gallon milk

 - One dozen eggs

 - One unit laundry detergent

What size do they sell laundry detergent in? Don’t buy Gain, that stuff ruined my clothes.

Where to buy cattle prod for 11-year-old children that continue to frustrate my plans?

[Page turns.]

Dear Diary,

Those goddamn Seels are out on my lawn again and they keep getting at my groceries. And I put them in the Seel-proof, sealed containers that I got from Vons. And they just don’t work. The damn Seels just hop up and they take my pork chops—

[Page turns.]

Dear Diary,

Criminals in this town used to stand for something, but the world is changing. Things are going south for me. I’m beginning to lose hope.

[Page turns.]

Dear Diary,

Auntie Millie’s birthday.

[Page turns.]

Dear Diary,

Another 11-year-old completely screwed on my ass on this deal. I don’t know what I’m going to do. What is it about these kids that make them so powerful? It can’t be this “actually loving your Pokémon” crap. We all know that that’s a huge load. If there was only some way I could leverage that to my bene–

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Music builds.]

I think I’ve just had an idea. I think I’ve just had a wonderfully awful idea. And if I can work–it’s a million-to-one shot–but if I can get it to work, then I’m gonna be right back on top, and this Team Rocket’s gonna make it all the way to the moon, baby! All the way—

Damn it, the Seels are back! They ate my turkey sandwich! Ah, now I have to go back to Vons? AHH—

[Book snaps shut. Music fades out.]

Skip:             Cool.

[Backpack zips open and the book rustles as Skip stows it inside. Zipper shuts.]

Sage:            And you all return to Officer Jenny.

[Light-hearted suspense music.]

[Stat test chime.]

Officer Jenny. Can you please get me a roll for Luck?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Jessica:          Oh.

Sage:            Oh, no.

Travis:          Jesus Christ.

Sage:            She is still alive.

Greg:          Can I try to Reviv-afy her?

Sage:            But she cannot wake up.

[Greg hisses in a breath.]

Alright, roll Smarts.

[Stat test chime.]

[Success chime.]

Travis:          Wow.

Sage:            Alright, if you give her some air…with CPR.

Candace:          [taunts] You’re gonna have to kiss Officer Jenny.

[Beat.]

I won’t tell Klara.

Skip:             Okay, guys. I got this.

[Skip reluctantly approaches Officer Jenny. He sighs and groans. The sound of lips sucking is heard.]

[Greg chuckles.]

Candace:          That’s not- You don’t actually kiss her!

Xander:           That doesn’t seem like it. That does not seem like it.

[Skip blows.]

Candace:          There you go.

Sage:            After some really awkward attempts…

[Laughter.]

Xander:           Stop puttin’ your hand in her shirt!

Skip:             I’m trying to push her chest!

Candace:          Not in her pants!

Skip:             What?

Xander:           From the outside!

Sage:            [chuckles] Eventually Officer Jenny takes a gasp of air.

[Officer Jenny takes a deep breath.]

Xander:           [mumbles] Think you- think you found the spot.

[Stifled laughter.]

Officer Jenny:        [coughs] Oh, what happened?

Skip:             I brought you back.

Officer Jenny:        …What did you do?

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     [fast] Nothing. They did nothing and I’m not a member of Team Rocket—

Xander:           Shhh.

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     —and we’re gonna get you outta here.

[Beat.]

Officer Jenny:        Uh, I don’t- um, I think I need a minute. Who’s your friend—

Rocket Grunt Jeff:     This way!

[A thud as Jeff shoves Officer Jenny. Frenzied music starts.]

Sage:            And he pushes Officer Jenny off to—

[Laughter.]

[Platform beeps and everyone screams as they spin through the maze.]

Everybody spins across.

Candace:          I’m motion sickness!

Skip:             I’m think I’m gonna…feel great!

Sage:            And they end up back in the first room.

[Suspenseful music pounds. The group hurries back to the staircase.]

We look up. The latch is still closed.

[Stat test chime.]

If only someone could roll me Wisdom or Smarts to figure out how to get that thing open.

Travis:          Great. On three, everybody.

Greg:          I’ll just throw a Pokémon at it. [chuckles]

Travis:          One, two, three!

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

[Net chime.]

[Success chime.]

Jessica:          Net.

Greg:          Wisdom!

Sage:            Somewhat- Oh! You got a- you got a Hidden Power. Okay.

Travis:          I got a success.

Skip:             Hey! I got an idea. Why don’t my Dratini and your Pidgeotto combine powers? Twister and Gust!

Xander:           [deadpan] Sweet idea, man. Would never would’ve thought of that on my own. Thanks for tellin’ me.

Skip:             No problem, dude. Teamwork!

[Beat.]

Candace:          I’ll do it!

[High-five taps.]

Skip:             Thanks, Candace.

[Stifled laughter.]

[Adventure music.]

Dratini, go!

Xander:           [quiet] Go, Ramona.

[Dratini trills.]

[Ramona exits her Poké Ball and cries out.]

Sage:            Alright, they swirl up some debris. The machines- the smog starts getting in, it makes them all cough and wheeze. They don’t like the way it feels.

[Xander coughs.]

Just one? Just one.

[Skip and Candace cough weakly.]

[amused] There you go. That’s good, that’s good.

[Everyone coughs harder.]

Alright, alright, you’re good, you can stop now.

[Everyone groans and coughs louder.]

Okay, okay. We’re good! We’re done! We’re done, we’re done! Stop! [chuckles] And the door bursts open.

[Music stops. The slot machines in the casino ding, and muffled chatter from the patrons is heard. Everyone walks out of the basement.]

Officer Jenny:        The back of my head really hurts, kids.

[Candace groans.]

Xander:           You hit the floor when you passed out.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Candace:          There was nothin’ we could do.

Xander:           You fell down some stairs.

Sage:            They go outside.

[Casino door opens and the cheery music of Celadon plays.]

It’s a nice day. The fresh air is very revealing. However, they look around and everyone’s still sick and throwing up, and still this weird energy about Celadon.

Skip:             People of Celadon City, gather around!

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            [amused] No one does. But some people are passing by, so it makes Skip think that they are listening.

Skip:             You! Pokémon trainer! You, guy with a fedora! And you, man who...goes to the hospital too frequently?

[A man coughs and vomits.]

Candace:          Sir, will you quit vomiting? You’re interrupting my friend!

Skip:             Everybody, listen. We found what’s causing the problem! There are machines that are spewing toxic gas out into the city! Don’t worry, the Dream Police, and the regular police, are here to save you guys! We’ve found the problem. It’s Team Rocket!

Officer Jenny:        What? You found Team Rocket?

Skip:             They’re back!

Xander:           [quiet] We found this g—

[A mysterious whoosh is heard. Suspenseful music kicks in.]

Sage:            He’s gone. However, his hat was left.

Travis:          Is this like a m- like a memento?

Jessica:          What kind of hat is it?

Sage:            It’s black, has an “R” on it.

Skip:             Must’ve died.

Candace:          [irked] No!

Xander:           What?

Candace:          [irked] He ran away!

Skip:             Oh, that makes more sense.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Skip, can you roll me Wisdom?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Mmm, okay. [chuckles] Then, yup. This was just Team Rocket and there’s absolutely nothing else going on.

[Suspenseful music crescendos and fades out.]

Credits

[Pokémon Main Theme plays throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David Michmerhiezen, Mariah Ramblas, and Sage G.C.

The original music from the Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]

#10 - Sabrina & Saffron City

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 10 - Sabrina & Saffron

Air Date: March 12, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Cheerful music; Show Me Around reprise.]

Narrator:         After investigating the ex-Team Rocket hideout with Officer Jenny, our trainers find themselves at the Celadon City sheriff's office.

[The Sheriff leans back in his chair.]

Sheriff:         Now kids, Officer Jenny put her life on the line to protect you. I suggest you don't get involved in any more Team Rocket shenanigans and just go ahead and move on to Saffron City. And I think there's a fighting dojo there that you might be interested in.

Skip:             Good idea. [chuckles] I think we should leave this stuff up to the professionals. We’re just kids!

Candace:          Yeah, we don't know anything. We're just stupid little kids!

[Beat.]

Skip:             Quip. Come on.

Candace:          You’re turn, Xander.

Xander:           What? Why do I have to—

Candace:          You have to confirm that we're stupid.

Xander:           [sighs] We’re- we're children. We're children. We're kids!

Candace:          We're the world.

Skip:             We are the future.

Xander:           Yep.

Sheriff:         Now, you kids don't go meddling in any more Team Rocket shenanigans.

Candace:          Wow, shucks!

Xander:           Wouldn’t even know- wouldn’t know it if it hit me on the head.

Skip:             We don't even have a van!

Candace:          Or a dog!

Sheriff:         You know there’s a fighting dojo over in Saffron City—

Xander:           I see where this is going.

[Travis chuckles.]

Sheriff:         —that you might wanna go to.

Candace:          What? Wait, wha- what’d you say?

Sheriff:         There's a fighting dojo over in Saffron City that you might be interested in visiting.

[Xander mumbles.]

Skip:             Fighting? Oh, sorry, we shouldn't be meddling anymore.

[Beat.]

Sheriff:         Now, you kids aren't gonna go meddling in anymore Team Rocket shenanigans—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           [shouts] Let's go!

[The Dream Police exit the sheriff’s office.]

Candace:          Wait a minute.

Xander:           [irked] What?

[Greg and Jessica stifle laughter.]

What? Why are we- everybody here is crazy! That's the answer. I don't see what else- it- everybody here’s insane.

Candace:          Okay, you’re right! Alright! I just- I just- you know what? Never mind. Let's just leave.

Xander:           Well, like- well, no what- what's your question? What is it?

Candace:          Nothing.

Xander:           No, what- what is it?

Candace:          [quiet] No, it's fine.

Xander:           Oh, am I supposed to feel sorry for you?

Candace:          No.

Skip:             Candace, what's going on?

Candace:          [irked] Nothing! I’m just not feeling very 100% ever since we got here.

Skip:             Do you need to check in with the nurse?

Candace:          [irked] No, I'm fine! I got a great immune system.

Skip:             [hesitant] Need to… Okay.

Candace:          [irked] I'll recover, I'm just being weird. Just get over it! God, stop looking at me like that.

[Xander mumbles.]

Skip:             Sorry.

[Xander sighs.]

Sage:            And so our trainers embark on to Saffron City, which is really not that far away. It's kind of odd that two huge-ass cities are right next to each other.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 10 - Sabrina & Saffron City

[Cheerful Route music plays.]

Candace:          So, Skip, what else was in that journal from Team Rocket? I barely got to look at it before you gave it away as evidence.

Skip:             Well, here's a picture I took with my Pokédex.

[Pokédex clicks open and beeps as it powers on. Suspenseful music is heard as the diary is read.]

Dear Diary,

The Poké Petco initiative is in full swing. I left the islands for the first time in years. It's been rough but I have two new colleagues to get this operation off the ground.

A failed gym leader—What was his name? Baggy shirt, douchey voice, Oak’s grandson. Trainer...Trainer Purple? Ah, who cares—and some hot-shot young business guy Cedric Svitak.

Currently waiting for Cedric to arrive. We're gonna snag some supplies and contacts from the old nerve center here under the Celadon Casino.

Forgot how much I missed this place. She's seen better days, but the arrow maze still works though. I'm a genius!

And with the help of these two young ’uns Team Rocket’s gonna blast off into a new generation. Exotic Pokémon for sale on every street corner! Then bring it to every region on that cruise liner. Yes, an empire of Poké Pals stolen for free, caught en-mass, and sold for sweet, sweet profit.

Hmm. I think I hear squatters down here. Eh, they'll be fine.

Skip:             So Cedric is working for Team Rocket.

[Pokedex clicks shut and clothes rustle as Skip puts it away.]

Candace:          Oh my god. Does this mean that Team Rocket is, like, stealing Pokémons and selling them for profit?

Skip:             Yeah, it looks like they're gonna do somethin’ really messed up.

Candace:          [groans] We have to stop ’em!

Skip:             Of course. Xander, are you in on this?

[Beat.]

Candace:          Wake up, Xander.

Xander:           I'm awake I just… What part—

Candace:          I mean just, like, in your, like... You’re moving your head back a lot in disbelief. Are you- you all good? Are you chokin’ on something?

Xander:           We- we're fine. Let's just go.

Candace:          [quiet] Okay.

Skip:             Ooo, look, a skyline!

[The group approaches the checkpoint. Automated doors open. Cheery music plays on a radio.]

Candace:          Hello, officer!

Skip:             We are the Dream Police.

Candace:          Somersault. Heavy panting.

[Swish, tap, Candace pants.]

Guard:          Gee, I'm thirsty.

Skip:             Hey, Xander.

[Backpack zipper opens. A cup clacks, water pours, a tea kettle whistles. The prepared tea is poured into a cup and the Guard sips.]

Guard:          Wow, that's good. Oh, uh, you can go on through, if you want.

Xander:           Really?

Candace:          Yes. Don’t question him.

Skip:             I think we used the right bribe. Let's go team!

Candace:          Hoo wa!

[The group walks through the checkpoint.]

Guard:          [voice fades] Hey, uh, keep this- keep this on the DL, though. Road’s closed.

Candace:          Okay, will do. Thanks, sir.

[An automated door opens.]

Sage:            You guys come out of the checkpoint and see tons of people passing through as if the road is not really closed.

Candace:          What the heck? This guy's a liar!

Sage:            And our trainers enter Saffron City!

[Radio music bursts to life.]

It is one of the most beautiful cities in all of Kanto. Centered in the land, you have to cross through Saffron to get to most other towns. Pretty dang big. Skyscrapers galore. Towered, of course, by the Silph Co. Tower. Lots of technological advancements. Think of them as the Google of Pokémon.

Candace:          This place is very urban.

Skip:             It’s full of a diverse group of people.

Candace:          They all look very cool.

Skip:             This is the center.

Candace:          [quiet] This the hub.

Skip:             This is where it all goes down.

Candace:          This is where the magic happens.

Skip:             The magic of Pokémon!

Candace:          Oooo!

[Music stops. Beat. Cars honk.]

Xander:           Why d’you guys keep looking at me after you get- what? You- you’ve got it co—

Candace:          We’re a team, Xander!

Xander:           You've got it covered.

Candace:          You have to chime in.

Xander:           Why?

[Good-natured music.]

Skip:             Hey, you know, we were having a hard time back there as a team. I think maybe we can talk about that a little bit.

Xander:           Oh.

Skip:             You guys were arguing a lot.

Xander:           You wanna talk about that now?

[Beat.]

Skip:             [quiet] I mean, is there a better time?

Xander:           It’s just- just wanted to push past it then. It's fine. It's—

Skip:             Well, we were running out of oxygen.

Candace:          I think it was a very high-stress situation. And Xander, if he has any issues or problems, he should just voice it now.

Xander:           I don’t have- I don’t—

Candace:          Or forever hold his peace.

Xander:           I- I've got nothing.

Skip:             Let me try this. Xander, correct me if I'm wrong.

Xander:           What?

Skip:             You're having a hard time conforming to the team identity that we're trying to build.

Xander:           There's no hard time. There's- there's- I'm jus—

Candace:          So you’re having a fun, easy time?

Xander:           I'm just here.

Skip:             Let him get his thoughts out.

Xander:           [irked] I’m just- jo- Both you, sh- oh, sh- please, just do- just do your thing. Just do your thing.

Skip:             Now—

Xander:           We're- we’re fine.

Skip:             Candace.

Candace:          [quiet] Yes?

Skip:             You want Xander to conform to the team identity that we're trying to build.

Candace:          [tsks] Oooh. Essentially, yes. Yeah.

Skip:             Perhaps what we need to do as a team, is we need to evolve beyond this idea of Xander conforming to us, and we all find a middle ground that we can stand on together.

[Beat.]

Candace:          [quiet] Well, that sounds like I'm gonna be having to sacrifice my goals.

[Xander sighs heavily.]

Um, and my, uh—

Skip:             What if it’s not—

Candace:          I hold this team to a standard, uh, that Xander’s just, like, not meeting for some reason.

Xander:           I- this is- that's fine. I don't need to meet…

Skip:             Is it the posing?

Xander:           There’s no—

Candace:          Xander, what do you- what do you need to be happy?

Xander:           I don’t—

Skip:             If we stop posing, will that work?

Xander:           I don’t—

Candace:          Do you need your dad?

Xander:           Stop looking at me. Everybody stop looking at me.

Candace:          [quiet] Okay. Stop. I closed my eyes.

[Music ends.]

Skip:             I figured it out.

Candace:          What?

Skip:             All those checkpoints? Team Rocket.

[Beat.]

Xander:           [quiet] What? I don’t—

Candace:          [quiet] How did you figure that out?

Skip:             [shouts] Hey, look there's the Gym!

[Skip runs over to the Gym.]

Sage:            You look and there are not just one Gym, but two Gyms, identical, right next to each other.

Candace:          Oh, this is- are you guys seeing double or did the gas just, like, really mess me up?

Skip:             I like this one! It's got a…

Sage:            [amused] Door.

Skip:             In front of it.

Candace:          This one has a door in front of it too, ya doof!

Skip:             Yeah, but this door…

Sage:            Is open. [chuckles]

Candace:          This door is open too, ya doof!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Okay, but there's a sweet image above this door of a…

[Pokédex clicks open and beeps.]

Pokédex:         Hitmonlee. Fighting-Pokémon.

[Poxédex clicks shut and clothes rustle as Skip puts it away.]

Skip:             So that makes me want to take down a Hitmonlee.

Candace:          [hesitant] Alright, well I guess—

Skip:             [quiet] You ever get that urge?

Candace:          Well, I get the urge to, like, beat everybody. So, I mean, that's like every day of my life. [sighs] It’s exhausting.

Skip:             You're the fightingness of us.

Candace:          I got a lotta Brawn in me.

[Skip runs forward and bursts through the door of the Gym. A gong rings out.]

Skip:             My name is Skip! Leader of the Dream Police!

[Travis laughs.]

[Light Dojo music plays. Candace cries out.]

We're on an ad—

Candace:          [shouts] Excuse me!

Skip:             Just a moment, Candace. We're on a journey to become the greatest Pokémon team ever! And we're here to take you down, and take one of your Badges.

Candace:          [fast] And PS I'm the leader of this team.

[Xander reluctantly follows the other two inside and shuts the door.]

Man:                Who is the leader?

Skip:             I am the leader.

Candace:          I am the leader.

Man:                You can’t both be the leader.

Skip:             Why? Are you afraid?

Man:                Me? Afraid? [laughs]

Skip:             I think it's funny too that you would ask that, specifically because there's nobody else besides you.

Man:                Oh, arrogant children these days.

Candace:          Who are you?

Man:                Uh, I’m, uh—

Skip:             Do you not wanna do this?

Black Belt Kiyo:       [unenthused] No, no, I do. I'm Black Belt Kiyo.

Skip:             Because I'm ready!

Black Belt Kiyo:       [unenthused] Yeah, yeah, I just… I don’t know, I get tired of all these kids coming in here. All the violence. It's… It’s exhausting.

Skip:             Maybe you should’ve chosen a different persp- fession. Oh God, whatever you have is rubbing off on me, Candace!

Candace:          [loud] I don’t have anything! Gosh, this is your fault. You're all tongue-tied ’cause you're probably [mocks] in love with him. You fall in love with everybody you see!

Skip:             [quiet] That’s not true, please stop that.

Black Belt Kiyo:       [clears throat] Honestly, children I'm interested in battling this one over here. Those who remain quiet, usually have the most to say.

[Footsteps fade away. The door creaks open.]

Sage:            [laughs] Xander just 180s immediately and walks out into Saffron City.

[Door creaks shut.]

Skip:             Just a moment. We'll be right back.

Candace:          [loud] Xander!

[Stat test chime.]

[Candace and Skip run after Xander. The door creaks open.]

Sage:            Roll Agility.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

They both got successes. So they run out and they catch up with Xander right at the edge of Saffron where he’s about to go back through the checkpoint.

[Music fades out.]

Skip:             Xan! Hey, man.

Candace:          What the heck is your deal?

[Beat. Traffic rumbles by in the background.]

Xander:           [weary] I’m leaving. Th-this sucks. I'm leaving.

[Automated door opens.]

Skip:             Wait, what sucks?

Xander:           This. I don't want to- uh, I'm done.

Skip:             You have come so far with us.

Xander:           Don't talk down- don't- I don't—

Skip:             Don't talk to you?

Xander:           Just- there's no- there’s not anything- there’s not—

Candace:          I’m not saying anything right now. I'm trying to let you talk and explain yourself.

Xander:           Then shut up.

Candace:          I was freaking quiet. Why are you being such an asshole, you shit face?

Skip:             Hey, names aren't gonna solve anything here.

Candace:          [shouts] Well, he just told me to shut up and I have been quiet this whole time. So why don't you start talking, bro? What's your deal, man?

[Beat.]

Xander:           [quiet] I don't- I don't really wanna be here anymore. So I'm gonna go.

Skip:             Well…why?

Xander:           [hesitant] ’Cause…you guys are loud and you argue and you're…just, I don't… You know? I'm not- it's not- it's not working out. I'm gonna go.

Skip:             No, you know what? You're right. We haven't been a good team lately. And you bring up a good point, Xander. We really gotta work on us. Because if we're not gonna function as a unit, then we're just not gonna function.

Xander:           Skip, you're not- I- I don't think you're getting it. I…

Skip:             You're right. Help me out.

Xander:           Yeah. Go- you guys got this. You- you've- whatever you guys are doing, it's working. That's…that's great. Good for you. I don't feel comfortable. I- I just…I haven't. And I'm gonna—

Skip:             What things are making you uncomfortable?

Xander:           It’s just with the—

Candace:          He already said.

[Xander sighs.]

We’re loud and we argue all the time. And he just doesn't like Pokémon and he's ungrateful.

Xander:           I ju- ungrateful?

Candace:          Well, I mean—

Xander:           You said being poor was something wrong with me.

[Beat.]

Candace:          I was just saying that's like the only- I meant to say, like, it's your disadvantage in life.

Skip:             Alright, that’s a prejudice.

Xander:           Oh, yeah. That's- that's good- that's good to—

Skip:             It's a prejudice that we can get over.

Candace:          I'm just saying that I acknowledge the fact that I am from a wealthy family and that that has given me advantages. And I—

Xander:           That’s what you meant?

Candace:          Well, gosh! Uh, yeah!

Xander:           When you said, “The only thing that's wrong with you is that you're poor.”

[Beat.]

Candace:          I said the only thing that's your fault, not your fault.

[Xander groans in disgust.]

But, a fault of yours is that you’re poor!

Xander:           No, no. Keep- keep digging. That's fine.

Candace:          A fault of yours is that- because you're poor! Because—

Xander:           And your fault is that you- you- you’re just really—

Candace:          Finish your sentence!

[Xander stammers.]

Say it!

[Xander sighs. A beat passes.]

Xander:           You suck, man, I’m—

Skip:             Whoa…

Xander:           I'm going.

Skip:             No, hey.

[Xander walks towards the checkpoint. Sad music starts, the Teamwork Motif plays slowly.]

Xander:           Let me outta here.

Skip:             What do I suck for?

Xander:           Just- you’re jus- just jumping into everything and, like, that's- that's- you guys are doing the thing. And I'm not doing the thing. And that's it.

So you guys go. I'm gonna go do something else. I'm- you know, I'm only here because I can't go back home and I- and I- and this isn't as- this isn't better. So I'm going. I'm just gonna go.

Skip:             Well—

Candace:          Oh, just give up on him, Skip. He just is gonna leave us and abandon us, and he’s not acknowledging the fact that he was meant to be a Pokémon trainer. He’s just gonna be- just be on his own. That's fine. That's fine. Let's see how you do without us!

Skip:             [sad] Okay, Xander, fine.

Xander:           Great.

Skip:             [sad] Here. Take these.

[Backpack rustles.]

Xander:           What?

Skip:             The Badges.

Candace:          What? No! He's a—

Skip:             Every Gym trainer—

Xander:           I don't give—

Skip:             —gave them to him.

Xander:           I don't care about these. You can have them.

Skip:             We don't deserve them without you.

Xander:           That doesn't make any sense.

Candace:          Oh my god, you guys are both crazy!

Skip:             It wouldn’t be honest if we kept the Badges.

Xander:           Shut up! Stop being so goddamn pretend nice to everything. You don't know what you're doing or what you're talking about, and neither do you, and neither do I. And that's fine. Except I'm not pretending!

Candace:          I’m not pretending anything.

Xander:           Then you're delusional.

Guard:          [in background] Gee, I’m thirsty.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Have you been listening to our conversation this whole time?

Guard:          Road’s closed.

[Clothes rustle and boots stomp away as the Guard returns to his post. Tea is noisily prepared and the Guard sips. Footsteps fade away as Xander leaves. Sad music resumes.]

Sage:            Xander exits out the other end of the checkpoint.

Skip:             Hey, wait up!

Candace:          Xander! Xander!

Sage:            And two-thirds of the Dream Police watch the doors close.

[Candace sighs.]

[Sad music fades out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Radio clicks on. Cheery music.]

Sage:           What’s up?

Jessica:          Hello!

Sage:           Sage and Jess here with even more patrons to thank. Starting with Chelsea G. Chelsea, thank you so much.

Jessica:          Sasan K. Thanks Sesann.

Sage:           Mr. Jay Spec. Long-time supporter of the show. Jay, thank you so much.

Jessica:          Brian C.P. Thank you very much!

Sage:           Brandon S. Love you, Brandon.

Jessica:          Matt S. I love you, too.

Sage:           And Matthew L.R. Two Matts!

Holy crap, guys. Thank you so much for your support. Seriously, it means the world to us and it helps the show out a lot.

Jessica:          As always, if you want to support 20 Sided Stories, and get yourself some delicious bonus content, go to patreon.com/20sidedstories. The direct link is in the show notes.

Sage:           And now for our final podcast spotlight of the season. Very excited about this one.

[Radio switches off.]

[Water pours. A pot thunks on a table. A tea cup clatters on its saucer. Sipping is heard and a man and woman sigh happily.]

Man:              Cocoa from Les Deux Magots. The epitome of bliss. The pinnacle of creation! The—

Woman:            We're down to our last thermos.

[Cup clatters on saucer.]

Man:              What? Impossible. Put in an order to Paris right away. Chop, chop, vite, vite! Delivery takes 10 hours at least! What are you waiting—

Woman:            No.

Man:              No?

Woman:            No. We haven't had any new clients in over a month. Until business picks up, we have to tighten our belts.

Man:              [growls] But I can't work without cocoa.

Woman:            You're not working! Not at the moment.

Man:              Because we haven't had any clients!

Woman:            Because you turned them all down!

Man:              But they were so boring.

Woman:            It can't be Jimmy Hoffa and D.B. Cooper every day.

Man:              Making people disappear is an art.

Woman:            Yeah, I’m just saying, it can't be parachutes and plain hijackings all the time. We have to take on some good old bread and butter disappearances to keep the lights on around here. Or, in our case, to keep the cocoa flowing.

Man:              Okay, next client to contact us. I’ll take on their case.

Woman:            You promise?

Man:              I promise. Now, give me the last of that cocoa.

[Phone rings.]

Woman:            [gasps] It looks like we have a new client!

[Music.]

Announcer:           The Amelia Project, a podcast series full of suspense surprises, twists, laughs and cocoa. Go to AmeliaPodcast.com or search for “The Amelia Project” wherever podcasts can be found. And remember, leave your message after the beep.

[Music fades out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Meowth!

 [Meowth cry.]

Sabrina & Saffron City - Part II

[Traffic noises rumble in the background.]

Candace:          [quiet] Well…guess we go…get our Badge.

Skip:             But…the team's broken up.

Candace:          Well, you know, bands and teams, they break up, but we just gotta keep moving on. Okay? You know? Like—

Skip:             If one of the wheels of a tricycle falls off, do you know what happens to that kid?

Candace:          He falls, gets back up, and now he's riding a bicycle!

Skip:             But it can only turn in one direction! He's just gonna go around in circles!

Candace:          Well… [sighs]

Skip:             Look, face it. Without Xander, we're just doing donuts. And I'm not hungry for breakfast.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Candace:          [tearful] Oh my god, Xander. I miss you!

Skip:             [tearful] Xander!

[Candace and Skip cry.]

Sage:            Our crying trainers somehow end up back at the dojo.

[Door creaks open. Rapid footsteps as Candace and Skip hurry inside.]

[Laughter.]

[Stoic Dojo music returns. Candace and Skip cry.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       Oh my god, children, children. Uh, what happened?

Skip:             [tearful] Sensei.

Black Belt Kiyo:       What? What d’you want?

Candace:          [tearful] Xander.

Skip:             [sad] We've lost our way.

Candace:          [tearful] We're broken.

Skip:             [sad] We’re no worthy.

[Travis laughs.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       Uh, that's- that's okay. That's good. Humility is good. Children, I will show you the way.

Candace:          Please.

Skip:             Teach us how to be good friends.

Candace:          [quiet] Just teach us something.

Black Belt Kiyo:       Alright. Normally, this is the moment where I send out [loud] Hitmonlee!

[Hitmonlee exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

And Hitmonchan!

[Hitmonchan exits its Poké Ball and cries out.]

And my two master Fighting-type Pokémon who would battle you right here in the dojo. However…

Sage:            We see Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan slowly hug each other.

[Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan moan quietly.]

Candace:          Do your Pokémon, like- are they in love?

Black Belt Kiyo:       Well, you see children, you've learned the most powerful lesson that any Pokémon trainer could learn. Humility.

I would like you to take your Pokémon out and have them all hug each other.

[Beat.]

[Dojo music picks.]

Skip:             Dratini, go.

[Skip tosses a Poke Ball and Dratini exits, trilling.]

Dratini, when the other Pokémon come out, use Th-THUNDER…hug.

[Dratini trills questioningly, then trills in nonchalant acceptance.]

Candace:          Okay…

Skip:             Come on, Candace.

Candace:          Um…

[Candace sighs. Her backpack zips open and rustles as she pulls out her Poké Balls.]

Pixie, Abra, Gastly out!

[All three Pokémon exit their Poké Balls and cry out.]

Um… Yeah, so, group hug! With, uh, Dratini.

[Gastly whispers eerily. Abra croaks in confusion.]

Gastly, you don't really- I don’t know how you hug. Just rub your body against them.

[Dratini trills.]

Sage:            While all this is happening Black Belt goes over to the sign that says “Fighting Dojo” [amused] crosses out the word “fighting” changes it to “hugging”. He also writes with a fist, you know? Like, the pencil, in kindergarten not knowing how to use their index finger.

Travis:          All I know are fists!

Greg:          And feet!

[Stifled laughter.]

[Music shifts more a positive, uplifting tone; Gym Lobby melody.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       Now, children, going forward, you do know the most important thing to being a Pokémon trainer, yes?

Candace:          Is to catch all the Pokémon in the world and—

Black Belt Kiyo:       Okay.

Skip:             Is to function as a team?

Black Belt Kiyo:       [quiet] Mmm. Close.

Candace:          Is to love each other and- and appreciate who they are?

Black Belt Kiyo:       [quiet] There you go.

Candace:          With- even if they have faults?

Black Belt Kiyo:       Why should your Pokémon battle for you?

Candace:          Well, ’cause we gotta get the Badges?

Black Belt Kiyo:       No, but why do you need the Badges?

Candace:          So I can have some kind of pride in myself.

Black Belt Kiyo:       But- okay. But- but how do you get that?

Candace:          You love…each other?

[Black Belt Kiyo grunts in encouragement.]

Use love in battle. Use love, not hate.

Skip:             How can a Pokémon be victorious in battle if its trainer doesn't believe in it, and it doesn't believe in its trainer? It's a symbiotic relationship.

[Music ends. Awkward rustling and pounding is heard.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       Oh, okay. Okay, somethin’s gettin’ freaky in that- in that- Uh, call your Pokémon back. Uh, Hitmonlee! Hitmonchan! [groans in worry]

[Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan return to their Poké Balls.]

Uh, call your Pokémon back! This is not a breeding center. It’s not a breeding center! Call ’em back!

Candace:          Uh, Pixie. Pixie return!

[Ninetales returns to its Poké Ball.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       There you go, there you go.

Candace:          Gastly, return.

[Gastly returns to its Poké Ball.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       Okay.

Skip:             Dratini!

[Dratini trills.]

Candace:          Oh, Abra!

[Abra returns to its Poké Ball.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       I don’t need that- I don’t need that on the dojo floor. Uh, sorry children.

Okay, so, uh, there's a Gym next door. I don’t know if you guys have been there before. Sabrina's Gym?

Candace:          Oh, yeah the other Gym that I wanted to go into. Sorry, your Gym’s the same but slightly different.

Black Belt Kiyo:       Wha-what does that mean?

Candace:          I just walked up to- I don't know. Nothing.

Skip:             Hey, let me cover this one.

[Motivational music starts to build.]

Sir! You're a great trainer of Fighting-types. I was wondering if you could help me with my Dratini.

Black Belt Kiyo:       What do you need?

Skip:             Well, it's got this new move Slam. It's a Normal-type, not a Fighting-type move, but I was wondering If you could give any sort of tips?

Black Belt Kiyo:       Hmm. See this dummy over here that looks like a…dummy?

Dummy:         Hey!

[Sage chuckles.]

Black Belt Kiyo:       Tell your Dratini to slam it a couple times.

Dummy:         What?

Skip:             Dratini, go!

Dummy:         Oh? Uh-oh.

[Music intensifies and grows angelic.]

[Dratini rushes forward and Slams into Dummy with a thud. Dummy cries out in pain.]

Skip:             Dratini, Slam!

Dummy:         Oh, no!

[Dummy groans. Dratini trills throughout as she Slams him multiple times.]

Sage:            Dratini does this for a couple of minutes. They all watch as it basically slams this guy into the wall. And he looks like a dummy. And the Dratini, you see it’s getting stronger and sweatier.

Dummy:         Ah, ow! You’re so sweaty!

Sage:            And then a burst of light unleashes from Dratini.

Skip:             You’re doin’ it Dratini!

Dratini:         Brrrr brbrbrbrbrrbrbr Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Skip:             Wow, Dratini’s evolving! It’s turned into a Dragonair!

Sage:            And one final Slam pushes the Dummy into the wall, and he crashes through the wall, into the next Gym.

[Loud clattering! The wall breaks and debris settles.]

Candace:          Holy smokes!

Skip:             Way to go, Dragonair!

Dummy:         Hi, Sabrina.

[Mystical, still music starts.]

Sage:            And you look and you see in this next Gym, it is silent. There are weird china and silverware and appliances floating amongst the air being very still. Also, there's a woman with her eyes closed, just floating.

Skip:             Sorry!

Candace:          Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think she's, like, meditating or something.

Black Belt Kiyo:       Sabrina has been in a psychic coma for years.

[Beat.]

Candace:          [slow] Can we fight her Pok- wait, we're not supposed to—

Skip:             She's in a coma. Why would we fight her?

Candace:          Oh, [stammers] I just don't know how to function without fighting Pokémon! I’m—

Black Belt Kiyo:       This is a lesson you must learn on your own children. I'm going back into my hugging dojo.

Skip:             Thank you, sir.

Black Belt Kiyo:       Hitmonlee!

[Hitmonlee exits its Poké Ball.]

Hitmonchan!

[Hitmonchan exits its Poké Ball.]

Uh, build this wall back up.

[Bricks clack together rapidly.]

Candace:          Um…

Skip:             Excuse me, ma'am? My name is Skip. This is Candace and this is Xa… Okay, Xander’s not here right now, but we're here to help you.

Candace:          I don't- I don't even know if she can hear us.

Sage:            And then there's a big flash of light coming from Candace’s pocket.

Candace:          What is going on? Is this- is this Abra?

[Music intensifies.]

Sage:            It unleashes from the Poké Ball and you watch Abra float around the room, start picking up spoons, banging it against its head.

Candace:          Abra, be careful! Don’t hurt yourself!

Sage:            It grows a longer tail and puffs out and adds some red on it. Its mustache gets really long and it opens its eyes.

[Music calms. Candace gasps.]

And then, with its single spoon, points across the room.

Skip:             What is that?

Candace:          Wow! It's a- it’s a Kadabra!

Sage:            Pointing at an Alakazam.

Skip:             Whoa! What is that?

Candace:          Oh my gosh, it’s a—

[Item clatters, Pokédex clicks open.]

Candace:          Uh, Pokédex.

Pokédots:       [beep] Alakazam. A Psychic-Pokémon stronger than Kadabra. Evolves from Kadabra.

Kadabra. A Psychic-Pokémon stronger than Abra. Evolves from Abra.

Abra. Psychic-Pokémon. Pretty fucking useless.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Okay. Your Dratini evolved after hugging. So maybe I can get my Kadabra… Kadabra go hug Alakazam!

Sage:            Arms out wide, the Kadabra goes towards the Alakazam, which has two spoons, which is one more spoon than the Kadabra has.

Skip:             It's got way more spoons than you!

Candace:          [groans] Too many spoons?

Skip:             Candace, what are we gonna do?

Candace:          Uh, there- are there no silverware in here?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Sage:            Kadabra goes in for the hug. Candace, role for Effectiveness.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

They hug and a Psychic aura starts building.

Candace:          [whispers] Holy Moly.

[Music intensifies.]

Sage:            Our trainers look around and the literal matter of the walls and floors and ceiling start fading away into a cosmic aura of stars and galaxies and pixelated visions.

Candace:          This is beautiful!

Skip:             This is what it looks like whenever I monologue.

Candace:          This is what it probably looks like when we die.

Sage:            And then there is an explosion from the Alakazam and the Kadabra, and they launch across from each other and they feel anger.

Candace:          Kadabra! Don't get angry! Center yourself.

Sage:            Alakazam looks inward and uses Future Sight.

[An echoing buzz is heard as Alakazam uses its move.]

Candace:          What should I do? Skip, am I supposed to fight this Alakazam?

Skip:             Fight it with love!

Candace:          I did! And now they're angry.

Skip:             Keep on lovin’.

Candace:          Um…

Skip:             Candace trust in yourself. In this moment, you need to focus on the heart of the situation.

Candace:          Alrighty. Kadabra, use Disable?

Sage:            Alakazam focuses inward and uses Calm Mind. But then, the Kadabra used Disable, and the Alakazam starts spazzing out and his eyes start bouncing around. And the spoons that he's holding start bending, and he gets very confused and he realizes he can not stay calm no more.

Candace:          Maybe. Wait a minute. I remember Psychic Pokémon…they… [gasps] Kadabra, return!

[Kadabra returns to its Poké Ball]

Gastly, go!

[Candace throws a Poké Ball and Gastly exits.]

Sage:            And then, Sabrina's eyes open wide. She stares directly at the Gastly, her eyes concerned but also determined. She's yearning for something, but you don't know what it is. And then the room starts fading away.

All the stars start turning dark, the room turning to blackness, and it all swirls around Gastly, and then strips it out into nothingness!

You don't know what's happening. Your limbs start feeling as if they're not part of your body, your brain fading in and out. Consciousness, reality as you know it is fading.

Candace and Skip, you can barely see each other. You start opening your eyes and can just barely make each other out. You don’t know what's happening. It feels as if you're fading away.

Candace:          [shouts, echoing] What's happening?

Skip:             [echoing] Maybe this is all a dream. [slaps himself] Wake up! Wake up!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll to wake up.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Failure chime.]

Critical success and failure. Skip wakes up.

[Music cuts off. High-pitched ringing.]

Skip:             [gasps] We never left the fighting dojo.

[Beat.]

Wait a second! Dragonair, go!

[Dragonair exits its Poké Ball with a whoosh and trills.]

Okay. I just wanted to make sure that Dratini actually evolved. Sweet. Dragonair, come back.

[Dragonair returns with a trill.]

There’s hardly enough room in this dojo for you anyways.

Sage:            There's no sign of Black Belt Kiyo, but next to you is Candace, passed out.

Skip:             Candace, wake up!

[Skip shakes her.]

Sage:            Nothin’.

Skip:             Candace, wake up!

[He shakes her again.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Brawn. [stifles laughter]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Critical failure. You slap yourself because you get so scared of the idea of hurting your friend.

[Stifled laughter.]

Skip:             Don’t do it, man. [slap] Okay, I won’t. Oh, I'm really cracking. [sighs] Okay, um… Water! I’m gonna pour some water on you.

[He twists the cap off his canteen.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace, will you roll for Nerve?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[sighs in relief] Candace has this natural reaction to drowning–as in she doesn't like it–and immediately stands up and puts up her chops.

[Candace growls and swings her fists around.]

Candace:          [shouts] Get outta my room!

Skip:             Whoa, Candace, stand down! There are no enemies.

Candace:          What the fudge an’ sickles are we- what?

Skip:             We're goin’ through a bad dream. But we're awake now.

Sage:            Our trainers look over and see a passed-out Kadabra and Gastly.

[Eerie, echoing music.]

Candace:          Kadabra? Gastly.

Skip:             Quick, recall your pokemon.

Candace:          Kadabra return, Gastly return.

[They both return to their Poké Balls.]

Oh man, I don't feel very good.

Skip:             Did you get the Marsh Badge?

Candace:          No, w-was that a battle? Did you get the Marsh Badge?

Skip:             No.

Candace:          Oh my gosh, that was so crazy. I just remember a woman was there and- and she was glowing.

Skip:             Yeah. D’you think maybe that she was… [scoffs] I don't know.

Candace:          What, tryin’ to help us?

Skip:             Yeah!

Candace:          I sensed that. There was, like, a really… I don't know...

Candace and Skip:     Cool energy.

Candace:          Oh my gosh, yeah!

Skip:             Alright. We're gonna need to take our Pokémon to the Pokémon Center. They've been through some Psychic damage.

Candace:          Yeah, let's go.

[The two trudge outside.]

Sage:            You arrive at the Pokémon Center.

[Automated door opens. Atmospheric music plays quietly.]

Nobody's inside, not even a Nurse Joy.

Candace:          What is happening? Are we aslee- is this like a- like an inception?

Skip:             Hold on. I’m gonna look outside real quick.

Sage:            Since it's kinda late in the evening, it's hard to tell, but doesn't seem like anybody's out there. Saffron’s really, really quiet.

Skip:             Hey, there's nobody out there.

[Candace joins him by the window.]

Candace:          We're the only two people out here?

Skip:             Quick! Pinch me!

Candace:          Pinch!

Skip:             Ow! Alright.

Candace:          Well, pinch me… OW!

Skip:             Okay, so we're- we're either in the same dream together or we're the last two people on Earth. Poké Earth? Kanto.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Both of you roll me Wisdom.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

Skip and Candace start exploring Saffron looking for any sign of human life. They figure out how to heal their Pokémon on their own. It's really easy. They just put ’em on a machine and press “On”, so their Pokémon are fine.

But it doesn't seem like anybody is in Saffron. And they think back to this experience they just had in Sabrina's Gym and start getting these flashes.

[An electronic zap and hum are heard as a vision flashes into both their minds. Candace gasps. Skip groans.]

Candace:          What’d you see?

[Music becomes tranquil and mysterious; Pokémon Main Theme melody faintly echoes.]

Sage:            Skip sees the image of a Blastoise.

[Vision chimes.]

Skip:             It’s huge and blue with two bazookas on its shoulders.

Candace:          [quiet] I don’t remember seeing that.

Sage:            ’Cause Candace saw a Charizard.

Candace:          ’Cause all I remember was seeing was a Charizard. You know? It’s got fire.

Skip:             A giant red dragon?

Candace:          Well, orange.

Skip:             [mumbles] Well, you know. Whatever.

Candace:          But, yeah. That's what I saw.

Sage:            And then simultaneously—

[Electronic zap and humming as they both see another vision.]

Candace and Skip:     Venusaur!

Candace:          Whoa! These are like all of the, like, basic one Pokémons that we got that were fully evolved. Why are- what?

Skip:             Well, that we should’ve started with, but we—

Candace:          We should’ve, we didn’t.

Skip:             Well, no, we got cool ones in the beginning, so…

Candace:          Well, yeah. I love my Pokemon. So what does this mean?

[Beat.]

I'll use my Brawn to figure it out!

[Stat test chime.]

[Laughter.]

[Air swishes as Candace swings her fists.]

Candace:          Take that, air!

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Candace starts punching the windows of Silph Co. They’re too strong, hurts her knuckles.

[Fists slam into thick glass a few times.]

Candace:          [groans] I didn’t figure anything out.

Sage:            Our trainers scratch their heads for a couple minutes.

Skip:             If only Xander was here. He’d know exactly what to do.

Candace:          [whines] Oh, I can't believe I miss Xander!

[Beat.]

Skip:             Hey, should we try to head out to Cycling Road? I recall Xander’s dad lives out there. He might’ve gone that way.

Candace:          I guess so. If he was running somewhere, where else would he go?

Skip:             But he's got all the tea. How are we going to get past the- oh, there's nobody here at the checkpoint. It says the road’s closed.

Candace:          But he told us that it's not, remember?

Skip:             Yeah, also I have a skateboard, so I'm a little rebellious.

Candace:          Yeah, now I have a Kadabra, which is pretty dope. So…

Skip:             Let's go be dope together.

Candace:          Sweet.

Skip:             Tandem skateboarding.

[Skateboard rolls on pavement.]

[Mysterious music. A catchy drum beat starts.]

Sage:            And our trainers make way for a Cycling Road to the West.

Credits

[The Lavender Town and Pokémon Main Theme melodies come in and out.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David Michmerhiezen and Sage G.C.

The original music from the Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Music fades out.]

[Strange glitching static.]

#11 - Cycling Road

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 11 - Cycling Road

Air Date: March 19, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Electronic humming and warbling as Xander recalls a memory. Everything sounds lo-fi, as if through a radio. Nostalgic, sad music plays.]

Xander:           Okay, guess I’ll just go outside.

[Footsteps on grass. Mudkip coughs weakly.]

The hell’s that?

[Mudkip coughs.]

What is this?

[Mudkip hacks.]

Oh. Oh! God. Uh, you don’t look so good.

[Mudkip groans weakly.]

This is a- this is a Pokémon. You don’t look like any of the ones that are around here.

[Mudkip groans weakly.]

Oh, shit. You’re really hurt. Okay. Uh, okay. Um, let’s take you inside.

[Rustling as Xander picks up Mudkip. Mudkip groans weakly.]

What?

Mudkip:        [weakly] Mud.

Xander:           You’re co- uh, yes. That is what you’re covered in.

Mudkip:        [weakly] Kip.

Xander:           I don’t get the- let’s get you a bath.

[Xander hurries across the grass and up to his trailer. A door creaks open and clunks shut.]

Oh, man. You don’t look so good.

[Mudkip coughs weakly. Water runs from a faucet.]

Oh, jeez. Can’t put you back outside.

Mudkip:        [coughs weakly] Mud.

[Water shuts off.]

Xander:           Do you… Do you wanna stay here?

Mudkip:        [loud] Mud!

Xander:           Oh.

Mudkip:        Kip! [coughs weakly]

Xander:           Okay, cool.

Mudkip:        [loud] Mud!

[Water splashes.]

Xander:           Uh, well, I guess I should call you somethin’. Um.

Mudkip:        [loud] Mud! [coughs]

Xander:           I’m not gonna call you that. That’s mean.

Mudkip:        [loud] Kip!

Xander:           [hesitant] M- uuuhhh. How ’bout...mud...uuuhhh...Muddy...Da...da…Muddy Wwwaters?

[Beat.]

Muddy Waters:         Mud! [coughs] Kip!

Xander:           Okay, see this is more for me than for you.

[Rustling as Mudkip nuzzles Xander’s chest. Mudkip calls out happily, muffled by Xander’s shirt.]

Oh, well, this shirt was dirty anyways. Alright. We’re good.

[Rustling as Mudkip backs up. Mudkip coughs.]

[Electronic warbling and whooshing as Xander returns to present day.]

Episode 11 - Cycling Road

[Rain falls throughout.]

Xander:           [sighs] This is it.

[Footsteps squish on grass. He groans softly and sighs.]

Okay, which one is it? [quiet] Okay.

[Footsteps on stairs as he carefully walks up to a trailer. He knocks lightly on the door. A beat passes. The door opens.]

Stranger:           [goofy voice] Hello?

Xander:           [hesitant] Hello?

[Porch creaks as the Stranger steps forward a bit.]

Stranger:           Hi, little boy.

Xander:           Oh. I’m- I’m sorry. I have the wrong trailer park. Uh, I’m- I’m looking for my dad.

Stranger:           Who's your dad?

Xander:           [hesitant] Las- last name’s Griffiths. First name Mark.

Stranger:           Mark Griffiths?

Xander:           Yeah.

Stranger:           Oh, he’s over that way.

Xander:           Do you know which trailer, specifically?

Stranger:           ’S the one with the big ol’ “M” on the front.

Xander:           Got it. Thank you!

Stranger:           [distant] Bye!

[Door clunks shut.]

Xander:           [sighs] He wasn't kidding. Okay. That's fine. That's fine. This is fine.

[Xander steps onto the porch, takes a deep breath, and knocks loudly.]

Mark:               [muffled] I don't want any.

[Beat. Xander knocks loudly again.]

[muffled] I said go away!

Xander:           Just get outside!

Mark:               [muffled] That…voice.

[Muffled footsteps from inside. The door creaks open. A beat passes while Mark stares at Xander.]

What? Wh-what are you… What are you doing here? What… Why aren't you back in Pallet Town with your mother?

Xander:           Uh, I- I left.

Mark:               Why'd you leave?

Xander:           I got, uh, called into Professor Oak's office, and I- I got wrapped up in this Pokémon thing and… Uh, ju- uh, and then the- I didn't like the people I was- I was traveling with. So I was around, so I just stopped by.

Mark:               [quiet] Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Wait, wait. [normal] You were traveling with others?

Xander:           Yeah. S—

Mark:               You weren’t traveling like, you know, one person against the world. Like, “I can beat the odds.” You were actually, like, getting help with the people around you?

Xander:           Well, I mean, it was just kids from school. I didn’t—

Mark:               Why didn't you ever, like, write back to me or something? Like, “Hey Dad, I'm actually” like...

Xander:           Well, I mean… I don't know. I didn’t think you cared.

Mark:               Care? Why do you think I sent you all those coins?

Xander:           What d’you mean you sent me all those coins?

Mark:               Sent you letter after letter…of little tiny Poké coins. For you to save up for a better education.

Xander:           What? I… I never got anything like that.

Mark:               Oh, wait, hold on.

[Rustling as Mark turns away from the door.]

Yeah. They’re on my counter.

[Stifled laughter.]

Sorry.

Xander:           [loud] You didn't send them?

Mark:               I meant to but, you know, the whole postal service here is kinda wack. I didn't have any stamps.

Xander:           Y—

Mark:               [loud] Why don't- why don’t you come on it?

[Xander steps inside and the door creaks shut. Muffled rainfall taps on the roof throughout.]

Anyway, uh, that's the television. That's my bed. That's the spaghettio pyramid that I made…of cans of spaghettios.

Xander:           Hey, um…

Mark:               Not much to look at, I know. But, you know, I call it home.

Xander:           Well, no, it’s- it’s… [quiet] I mean, you know, Mom and I live in a trailer too. It's fine.

[Mark walks away and opens the refrigerator.]

Mark:               You want a beer?

Xander:           …No. Thanks.

[Mark grunts and closes the refrigerator.]

Mark:               Um… Yeah, don't drink until you're the correct age. Me, on the other hand.

[Can hisses and cracks open. Mark sips and sighs in satisfaction.]

Xander:           Listen, is it cool if I crash here for a day or so? I just gotta figure some stuff out before I go back home.

Mark:               Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, I could always just move- move this—

[Furniture scrapes against floor.]

—over here. And just get the whole TV moved [strains] into the cor—

Xander:           Here, let me- let me help.

Mark:               Yeah.

[Furniture scrapes. Mark groans.]

Anyway. So you got a- got some Pokémon then? Part of that Pokémon scene?

Xander:           Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, [nervous chuckle] I found one behind the- behind the trailer.

Mark:               Oh, you found one?

Xander:           Yeah. It was- it got—

Mark:               Oh, sweet.

Xander:           It got hit by a car.

Mark:               Oh.

Xander:           And I mean, you know, didn't- couldn't leave it there. Um…

Mark:               Was it, like, a Pidgey?

Xander:           No, it was a—

Mark:               Ratatat?

Xander:           [nervous chuckle] It was- it was a Mudkip and, um, ac-actually it evolved and I…

[He pulls a Poké Ball off his belt and releases Muddy Waters.]

Muddy Waters:         Marshtomp. [coughs]

Mark:               Oh god. Wow. That’s—

Xander:           Yeah.

Mark:               It’s a lot bigger than there is room in here right now.

Xander:           Yeah, I’ll- I’ll…

[Muddy Waters returns to his Poké Ball, crying out.]

Mark:               Yeah, put ’im back.

Xander:           And then I- I actually- I did catch a Pidgey. I- I picked it up and I- I didn't know- I mean, I’m not- I'm still new to this.

Mark:               You picked it up?

Xander:           Yeah.

Mark:               Like… What d’y- what d’you mean “picked it up”?

Xander:           Well, it was in a f- I- I didn't know what it meant to- I, you know, I didn’t know, like, how you catch one, so I just grabbed it. And then I- I—

Mark:               You- you set off on a Pokémon journey without, like, knowing the fundamentals of, like, Pokémon catching or trading or anything like that?

Xander:           [quiet] Well, ’s not like anyone was there to play Pokémon catch with me.

Mark:               Whoa… ’S kind of a low blow.

Xander:           I'm sorry.

Mark:               [quiet] Yeah.

[Beat.]

’S not like I didn't wanna be there. I just ran out o’ gas.

Xander:           What?

Mark:               My- my trailer, it ran out of gas here on Cycling Road.

Xander:           That's why you didn't come home?

Mark:               It's not like I didn't try. I just ran out o’ gas. You know how far away Pallet Town is from Cycling Road?

Xander:           [irked] Yeah. I just walked here.

[Beat.]

Mark:               Oh… Guess I coulda just hoofed it.

Xander:           Well, It was a whole thing we went- I got called into Professor Oak’s lab and he's cra- he's legitimately crazy.

Mark:               Yeah, he is.

Xander:           Yeah, he's- he's gone.

Mark:               Are you kidding me?

Xander:           He’s so gone.

Mark:               Have you seen his eyes? [chuckles] They're- they're cross-eyed half the time, am I right? [chuckles]

Xander:           Yeah. It was this- and- and then there was this thing, and it was me and two kids from school. Then there's this other kid who's a…jackass, and he was a jerk and then—

Mark:               You don’t wanna hang around jerks.

Xander:           I, well- I—

Mark:               Don't hang around jerks, alright?

Xander:           Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No problem.

Mark:               Bad news, you hang around them.

[Pounding on the door.]

Xander:           Um...

[A beat passes as Mark and Xander look toward the door. The pounding resumes. Mark walks over to the door and opens it.]

Man:                Hey, are you gonna f- gonna fucking pay up or what?

Mark:               Oh, Jersey.

Jersey:            It's been three weeks, buddy.

Mark:               Look, I told you I mailed the coins.

Jersey:            You mailed the co- we don't- [irked] We're right around the corner. The gang’s right around the corner. We’re not just gonna sit here and wait.

Mark:               Uuuhhh. One second.

[Floor creaks as Mark turns around.]

Uh, hey kid, um… You don’t have any money I could borrow, do you?

[Beat.]

Xander:           [hesitant] How much?

[Feet scuff as Mark turns back to the door.]

Mark:               Hey, uh, hey, Jersey?

Jersey:            The fuck you want, man? Where's the money?

Mark:               With the whole like—

Jersey:            I don’t wanna have to bash your skull in, dude.

Mark:               Oh, an- yeah, you don't- nah, I- I don't want you to bash my skull in either. I’m just sayin’—

Jersey:            Nah, we don’t want you lookin’ like no Cubone.

Mark:               Yeah, uh, I was just wondering—

Jersey:            So just pay up and I can get out o’ here with my boys.

Xander:           [quiet] Dad.

Mark:               With interest, you know—

Xander:           [quiet] Dad, what’s going on?

Mark:               —what does- what does the whole thing come to?

Jersey:            Ah, you know, like ₽10,000.

[Mark turns around.]

Mark:               Y-yeah only ₽10,000. [quiet] I mean, I'll pay you back. I'll send you the coins.

Xander:           [quiet] I don’t have ten- I have- I have ₽450. That’s—

Mark:               [quiet] Mmm, I don't know if they're gonna like that.

[Floor creaks as Mark turns toward the door.]

Hey, uh, could you, like, take a retainer of, like, maybe ₽400?

Jersey:            A retainer?

Mark:               Yeah, I'll get you the rest, just—

Jersey:            A retainer? How many times you gonna give us retainers? When are you gonna get off your ass and go make some money in Celadon?

I'm sitting here in this trailer park. Me and my boys, we got plenty of stuff working out, alright? Goin’ an’ robbin’ trainers, blastin’ through Cycling Road.

You know, if you ever want to join us, it won't be a bad route. Except…you're a fucking loser, so we don't want you to.

[Mark grunts sadly.]

Tell you what. We'll take the ₽450, so the next payments gotta be ₽12,000. That or we take your Trubbish, and we throw it out the side of Cycling Road inta the water.

Mark:               [groans] Oh, don't do that, come on. It’s the- one of the few things I have left in this world that I can call something very proud of being.

Jersey:            Well, then, Marky-Mark, you better pay up.

[Mark walks back to Xander.]

Mark:               I'm sorry about this kid. I’m just…

Xander:           [quiet] Yeah, no problem.

[Money crinkles as Xander hands it over. Mark turns back to the door.]

Mark:               Here. Here you go.

[Floor creaks as Jersey walks inside.]

Jersey:            What’s your name, kid? You look like a Pokémon trainer.

Mark:               His name’s Xander.

Xander:           [mumbles] No, I’m—

Jersey:            Xander! Xander the Pokémon trainer. You from Pallet? Heard a lot o’ good trainers come from Pallet Town.

Xander:           [nervous] Mm-hmm. I'm from Pallet Town.

Jersey:            [laughs] Followin’ in Trainer Red’s shoes, I bet!

Xander:           I’m, uh, no, I'm just passin’ through. I’m jus’…

Jersey:            Jus’ passin’ through?

Xander:           [quiet] I'm not—

Jersey:            Jus’ passin’ through.

Mark:               What are you doing?

Xander:           Hey, man, what’re you—

Mark:               Y-you have the money now. What- I mean, [quiet] you’re kind of degrading me in front of my kid. Like, you know, if I was- if I was a weaker man, I'd be crying right now.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, Dad, come on. [normal] Okay, look, what is this all about? What happened? Dad, what happened?

[Mark groans quietly and sighs.]

Mark:               Alright, so here's the thing. Like, back in the day, um, we were just, you know, a couple of crazy hooligans part of a cover band. We were called Mighty Wings back in the day. And like, I- I promised everyone that I would pay them all the money that we earned, you know, but—

Jersey:            And what’s a promise mean in Kanto, huh?

Mark:               Promise means that a fair- der—

[Mark echoes Jersey as he speaks slowly.]

Jersey and Mark:        [slow, messy] Very...important...task...must be paid...faaaiiirly—

Xander:           Is this an acronym?

Jersey:            Damn right!

Mark:               It doesn't spell anything in particular, it's just—

Xander:           H-hold on. So you took- s-so you took all the money you made from the cover band and you not only didn't help your family, but you didn't even pay your bandmates?

Jersey:            [laughs] Marky-Mark’s got a lot o’ dirt. Probably why his Pokémon’s literally a piece of trash, am I right? [chuckles]

Mark:               Go, Trubbish.

[Trubbish exits Poké Ball and farts.]

Xander:           Oh, wha… [nervous chuckle] What is that?

Mark:               [quiet] That's Trubbish.

[Trubbish farts.]

Xander:           Oh. Is that trash bag a Pokémon?

Trubbish:        Trub.

Xander:           Oh, man, it stink—

Jersey:            Somehow got here all the way from Unova! Could you fuckin’ believe it?

Mark:               [fast] Trubbish, return.

[Trubbish returns to its Poké Ball.]

Jersey:            Hey, Marky-Mark. See this television?

[Baseball bat swings and the television shatters.]

We'll be back in a couple weeks.

[Electricity from the television pops. The trailer floor creaks as Jersey leaves. The door creaks shut.]

Mark:               Mm. I’s hopin’ to sell that…to get some money.

Xander:           [quiet] What—

Mark:               To pay you back.

Xander:           —[slow] the hell was any of that?

Mark:               You see, I was part of a group—

Xander:           [loud] I- I know the band you- I know! You—

Mark:               No, no, no, that's not it. We weren't just a band. We were traveling mates.

[Sad, nostalgic music.]

And then one day I just start questioning it all, you know? I was like, why are we doing this? This is cruel and unusual for the Pokémon that we are carrying around.

You know I had- I had a Raticate once. This Raticate, when I caught it, it was Rattata. I named it Kakuna. You know, because of the whole Kakuna-Rattata thing? But once it evolved, joke completely lost. I had a Raticate named Kakuna. It was embarrassing.

Every time I would get into a battle I would go “Go, Kakuna!” and boom, bang, this ’s really a Raticate. Like, sometimes it threw them off. They were like, “Oh, this- that's not a Bug Pokémon.” Oh but no, no, no. Wouldn’t you know it, eventually an Arbok ate it.

Xander:           Wa- Arbok ate it?

Mark:               Yeah, it’s a- it’s a snake.

Xander:           Oh my…god.

Mark:               Snake eats rats.

Xander:           Just ate it?

Mark:               Snake eats—

Xander:           Like, it’s gone? It got eaten?

Mark:               Yeah.

Xander:           That can hap—

Mark:               That’s when I decided to leave Mighty Wings.

[Beat. Muffled rainfall patters on the roof.]

And then that's how I ended up here. I- I ditched them in the dead of night when we were all in Fuchsia City.

[voice wobbles] And you know how hard it is to drive an RV up Cycling Road? Do you know how much gas it took to push that thing? That's why I ran out of gas by the time- but no I didn't have no poles. I can drive that thing all up Route whatever-it-is near Lavender Town—

Xander:           Yeah, no. I g-g- I- I get it. So, let me get this straight. You ditched your band, your Pokémon got eaten by a snake.

Mark:               One of them, yeah.

Xander:           Drove your RV backwards up a bike path, ran outta gas, parked, and you’ve been here for like, s-seven years?

[Mark mumbles.]

Why haven’t you done anything?

Mark:               It did not take them long to find me.

[Beat.]

Xander:           What?

Mark:               My bandmates, aka traveling mates.

Xander:           Was that one of them?

Mark:               That was- yeah Jersey’s one of them.

Xander:           So now your bandmates are extorting you for the money that you owe. What did you even do with all that money?

Mark:               I spent it in gas.

Xander:           You spent all of your earnings on gas getting up the fucking bike path?

Mark:               I thought I could- I- I underestimated how much it would actually cost.

Xander:           I- di- you- the level of insanity, I cannot comprehend.

Mark:               Well, what about you? You're here. Where are your bandmates?

Xander:           [irked] I don't have bandmates. They were people I was just walking with and I didn't wanna do it anymore ’cause I don't wanna do anything—

Mark:               That’s exactly- that's exactly what happened to me. That's what I'm saying, kid. You don't know what kind of responsibility you owe them.

[Sad music thrums.]

You don't know what it's like to be part of the Pokémon League. You see, it's like a marriage, alright? When you agree upon traveling with two other people or five other people or twenty other people like myself—

Xander:           Do- twenty people in your band?

Mark:               Yeah, it was a whole orchestra. And now they're all Bikers—

Xander:           It wasn’t—

Mark:               —waiting for me to go down Cycling Road. D’you know how scared I am to go to the west?

Xander:           How could you just give up on your drea- I mean my name- I am named after the last name of the singer of the band you are a cover band of.

Mark:               I am named after the first name of that same name. I changed my name to Mark out of…out of shame. My name’s- my real name's Robin.

[Beat. Muffled rainfall.]

Xander:           I feel like that's supposed to affect me somehow, but I don't get how that’s- I don't get how that lands.

Mark:               Don't you see? I'm gonna grab you by the head.

[Floor creaks and clothes rustle as Mark steps forward and reaches up.]

Xander:           Ah, okay. [quiet] That’s close.

Mark:               I push my forehead up against yours, and I want you to see.

[Xander groans.]

And then I turn your head to the mirror, and you look in the mirror next to my face is your face. And it's the same face.

[Music pulses. Xander cries out as he gets creeped out.]

Xander:           Agh. Okay. Okay.

[Xander backs away.]

Mark:               Don't be like me, kid. That's what I was trying to tell you from the beginning.

Xander:           Why do I- then what do I do to not be a—

Mark:               You got to get yourself into a fiduciaryly safe situation. Go find your traveling mates, continue your journey, become the Pokémon Champions.

[Beat.]

Xander:           So in order to be successful…I have to do stuff.

Mark:               Exactly.

Xander:           So no matter how much it sucks, or how uncomfortable I feel, I have to do it.

Mark:               Yeah. I mean, obviously, you've gotten some badges, right?

Xander:           Yeah, but one of them they gave to me. Like, I didn't win. They just gave it to me. He said he liked my heart or something?

Mark:               You know, battles are completely, like- you don't have to battle in order to get a badge.

Xander:           You can just- it…

Mark:               You have to please the owner of the Gym in a way that makes them feel that you are indeed- there's a whole rigorous process—

Xander:           So there’s—

Mark:               —that Pokémon Gym Leaders have to go through before they are allowed- it's not like you could just, “Oh, go up to Indigo apply for a Pokémon Badge license.”

No, I tried that. I tried opening a Gym in Pallet Town. That's why I started goin’ around with my traveling mates and my band, which was okay. We were alright. But you know, I was just saving up the money to start my own Gym so that you wouldn't be ashamed of me.

[Beat. Music fades out.]

Xander:           Dad, I was never ashamed of you, ’cause I didn't… I just didn't know. I didn't know you. [sad exhale]

[Sad music.]

Mark:               Well, I guess that is…’s partially my fault.

[Beat.]

Trubbish. Come out.

[Rustling. Trubbish exits Poké Ball and farts.]

Xander:           Oh, god. He smells. He smells so much.

Mark:               How ’bout a big group hug?

Xander:           Does Trubbish have to be a part of it?

Mark:               He’s part of the family.

Xander:           Oh.

[Rustling as they awkwardly hug. A beat passes.]

Have you tried, like, calling Mom?

[Beat.]

Mark:               [mumbles] No.

Xander:           Okay.

[Beat.]

Mark:               Should I?

Xander:           Yeah.

[Beat.]

Mark:               Alright. I'll take some of your mail money. Go down to Celadon and use the local payphone.

Xander:           Can I have a little bit of that too?

[Beat.]

Mark:               No.

Xander:           Okay.

Mark:               I'll pay you back.

Xander:           [quiet] Okay.

Mark:               But you know what?

Xander:           What?

Mark:               You can have—

[Clothes rustle.]

—this bicycle voucher.

[Voucher crinkles as Mark hands it over.]

[Gentle, happy music.]

Xander:           Whoa.

Mark:               It's worth ₽1 million.

Xander:           [loud] Wha- nu—

[Xander takes a step back.]

Mark:               But it's only exchangeable at the bike, uh, place in Cerulean city.

Xander:           Why don't you just give this to your bandmate?

Mark:               ’Cause he's got a bike and [mumbles] you know. [scoffs]

Xander:           You know what? Fine. Look, Dad, this is awesome. This is the greatest thing you or anyone has really done for me. However, I'm really worried that you're gonna get your kneecaps broken on Tuesday. [nervous chuckle]

Mark:               They'll never find me.

[Mark moves away.]

Xander:           [loud] You've been in the same trailer park for seven years.

Mark:               I’m aban—

Xander:           [loud] He knocked on your door.

Mark:               I’m abandoning it all. I’m coming back to you guys. I just hope I remember the way.

Sage:            Xander’s Dad goes up and pulls down an old, rusty bicycle and rolls it outside.

[Clattering as Mark pulls the bicycle down. The door creaks open. Mark hauls the bike outside and gets on.]

Mark:               [distant] You'll know where to find me when the time is right!

[Xander runs out the door.]

Xander:           [shouts] At my house?

Mark:               [distant] At my house.

[Wheels crunch on dirt. Bicycle horn honks.]

Sage:            And just as Xander's dad rides off into the horizon, we see…

[Music shifts to hopeful; the We Can Do This melody from Episode 1 reprises.]

[Running footsteps on the dirt road. Skip pants.]

Skip:             Xander?

Candace:          [weary groan] Xander?

Skip:             Xander!

Candace:          Xander, are you here? Are you seeing your, like, weird dad?

Skip:             Xander!

Candace:          Xander!

Xander:           [distant] Hey guys!

Candace:          [hopeful] Xander?

Xander:           Hey, I’m- I’m up here!

[Candace and Skip walk up to the trailer.]

Skip:             [pants] Oh, jeez.

Candace:          Oh my gosh! Hi!

Skip:             Hey, man.

Xander:           [hesitant] Hey.

Skip:             You okay?

Candace:          I’m gonna give you a hug!

Xander:           Oh, uh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

Candace:          That’s what I learned today.

[A thump as Candace half-tackles Xander and gives him a tight hug. Xander groans quietly.]

Skip:             Here I come!

[Skip jumps forward to join.]

Xander:           [startled] Oh!

Candace:          Group hug!

Xander:           Oh, you jumped on me.

Skip:             Yup.

Xander:           Alright. [nervous, happy chuckle] Ah, right on.

Skip:             Hey. Thanks for not pushing me off.

Xander:           Oh, no problem. Guy’s, look, I gotta—

Skip:             [happy surprise] Ooo, you hugged me back a little bit.

Xander:           Well…yeah. I came up here ’cause I was gonna crash with my dad ’cause I didn’t really know what else to do, and then I was gonna figure out what to do. Guys, I gotta- I got- [sighs] My dad’s a loser, man. [sad chuckle]

Candace:          [quiet] Oh.

Skip:             I’m sorry.

Xander:           It’s fine. You just- you know, you- you have a thought about something that, like, you want to be true really bad, and then it’s just not, and it’s kind of a huge bu—

Anyways. He taught me something, though. He taught me that…life is hard. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, though. And it made me realize that I’ve been closed off and basically a jerk from the start of this for no reason. All you guys have been generally nice.

Candace:          Well, I mean—

Xander:           If a little…aggressive.

Candace:          [quiet] I’ve been kind of aggressive.

Xander:           [mumbles] I’ll give you that. I’ll give you that.

Candace:          And a bit in over my head.

Skip:             I’ll admit it, guys. I’ve been the thing that’s really been driving us apart. I’ve just been putting way too much pressure on you guys. Maybe we never should’ve been a team in the first place.

Candace:          I don’t know if you’re very self-aware, Skip. But that’s- I don’t- I don’t—

Xander:           [quiet] I don’t think that—

Candace:          I don’t think that was you at all.

Xander:           I- I think you- you’re good.

Skip:             Hey, look. Right now, I’m doin’ it again. I’m taking all of the attention and it shouldn’t be on me. I’m sorry.

Xander:           Hey—

Skip:             Again.

Xander:           Look, we’re all sorry. This’ll-

Dream Police:         [slow, messy] I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Candace:          I apologize.

Xander:           I am sorry.

Skip:             Dragonair, go.

Xander:           Whoa!

[Dragonair exits her Poké Ball.]

Skip:             Say, “I’m sorry”.

Candace:          Oh, yeah, look! Kadabra, go!

[Abra KaDebra exits her Poké Ball and cries out.]

Xander:           Whoa! Whoa!

Candace:          Say, “sorry”.

Xander:           Oh, it’s got a sp-spoon. Does it always have a spoon?

Candace:          It’s got a spoon now.

Skip:             Say, “Sorry”, Dragonair.

Dragonair:      [sad] Brrr.

Xander:           Wow, it’s tall. This is amazing.

Skip:             Thirteen feet, baby.

Xander:           Oh my god.

[Music fades out.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Xander, can you roll me Sense?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Travis:          Yeah!

Sage:            [chuckles] Okay.

Travis:          I did so well.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Skip, roll me Sense.

Travis:          Dammit. [stifles laugh]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Jessica chuckles.]

Sage:            [amused] Okay.

Travis:          He did equally as well.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace, roll me Sense. Last chance.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Everyone laughs.]

Wow. All three of you.

Greg:          Team!

Jessica and Travis:    Teeeam!

Sage:            [amused] Not a single success. Awesome, I’m just gonna keep it at that.

Xander:           Guys, I don’t care what goes over our heads. As long as we’re together.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Yeah, that’s what’s most important.

Skip:             That’s why I never look up.

Candace:          Professor Oak brought us together for a reason.

Xander:           I- I think that reason might be because he’s senile. But it’s still a reason.

Skip:             Also! We’re all we have. If not, we’re just a couple o’ kids, lost far from home.

Candace:          Yeah.

Xander:           Yeah, is that really- we are so far from home.

Candace:          Yeah, we did a lot of stuff.

Skip:             So we should just stick together for survival if anything.

Xander:           At this point, it seems like a good idea.

Candace:          Plus, we might have, like, warrants out for our arrest cause we did sorta [whispers] light a forest on fire.

Xander:           I have not even begun to come to terms with what that was, or—

Candace:          So we gotta stick together.

Xander:           —what we did to Officer Jenny.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             You guys cool with the team name?

Candace:          Dream Police?

Skip:             Xan?

[Beat. Birds chirp.]

Xander:           I mean…

Skip:             We named it after you.

Candace:          Yeah.

Xander:           I know.

Candace:          I just kinda rings.

Xander:           I think I get what kinda gesture it is now, and you know what? Yeah. Yeah, I’m good with it.

Candace:          Cool.

Xander:           Its a stupid middle name, but it's a great team name. [chuckles]

Candace:          So do you guys, uh, d’you guys want to maybe, uh, you know, do the…

[Running footsteps. Air rushes as Candace flips.]

Somersault!

Skip:             Cartwheel!

Xander:           [amused] Jumping jack!

Candace:          Dream police! [pants]

Skip:             Dream police!

Candace:          [whispers] Your turn.

Xander:           I ju—

Candace:          [whispers] You gotta say “Dream Police”.

Xander:           Oh. Dream Police!

[Anime-style crash sound and shimmer! Go Dream Police!]

S- cool.

Candace:          We did it!

Xander:           I thought there was gonna be more… Man that- we’re jus- we're alone so that didn't really…

Candace:          But it was the first time—

Skip:             Hey, um, hey, Xander.

Xander:           Yeah?

Skip:             Candace.

Candace:          Yeah?

Skip:             [quiet] Do you guys wanna go get some Badges?

Candace:          [stoked] Yeah.

Xander:           If it keeps me from gettin’ extorted by my former bandmates, absolutely.

[Motorcycle rumbles closer. Dangerous music builds.]

Jersey:            Ah, little boy over there!

[Xander groans.]

You still around?

Candace:          Who’s this weirdo?

Xander:           [quiet] This is a friend of my dad’s.

Candace:          Oh, well, um. [shouts] Bye, weirdo! You, uh, smell—

Xander:           Hey.

Candace:          —funny and you should take a shower!

Xander:           Hey, no, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Hey’s what’s your name?

[Confidence-inspiring music shift.]

Jersey:            Jersey! Didn’t you hear your pops call me that a bunch of times, or you a little too slow in the brain?

Xander:           I don't pay attention to assholes.

Candace:          Oooo. Do you need some ice for that burn, mister?

[Leather creaks and feet scuff on pavement as Jersey gets off his bike.]

Jersey:            You threatening me?

Skip:             He's not threatening you. We are!

Xander:           So let's go…motherfucker?

[Candace and Xander chuckle quietly.]

Jersey:            [amused] Whoa ho ho ho oh.

Candace:          Say it with confidence! Confidence, Xander!

Xander:           Mmm—

Candace:          No question!

Xander:           Mother—

Candace:          Exclamation point!

Xander:           Motherfucker!

Candace:          Yeah!

Xander:           Here's the deal. I beat you, you leave my dad alone forever. Despite the [nervous chuckle] thousands of dollars that he owes you.

Candace:          Holy moly!

Xander:           Don’t- we’ll talk about it later.

Candace:          And when we beat you—and I say when we beat you—you remember that it was the Dream Police. We’re gonna be the best darn Pokémon trainers in the nation. Kanto will- will be cheering our name for years and years!

[Music builds.]

Xander:           [wobbly] Yeah.

Skip:             We’ll be the best—

Candace:          [sings] Around!

Skip:             —there ever was! Or that way.

Xander:           Yup.

Jersey:            Alright, you little shits.

[Music halts. Candace gasps]

Candace:          You’re a big shit.

Xander:           [snickers] Let’s do this!

Candace:          Do you wanna take this, Xander?

Xander:           I do.

[Exciting 8-Bit cover of "Dream Police" by Cheap Trick plays!]

Jersey:            Snake, go! I mean, Ekans, go!

[Jersey throws a Poké Ball and Ekans exits, hissing.]

Xander:           Go, Muddy Waters!

[Xander throws a Poké Ball and Muddy Waters exits, crying out.]

Jersey:            Alright, Ekans, scare it with your Intimidate! Make it feel smaller than you.

[Ekans hisses and glares at Muddy Waters, puffing itself up.]

Bully it until it submits! That’s right, look at your low Attack level.

Xander:           Hey, Marshtomp!

Muddy Waters:         Marsh?

Xander:           Hit it with a Mud Bomb!

Candace:          Yeah!

[Muddy Waters growls as mud bubbles and shoots forward, covering Ekans with a splat.]

Jersey:            Oh my god, my Ekans! You’re just drowning it in mud! No, let it out! Let it out for air!

Candace:          Take that!

Jersey:            You sick- you sick fuck!

[Candace laughs mockingly.]

Stop drowning my snake! [tearful] Ekans, come outta the mud!

[Ekans returns to its Poké Ball.]

[growls] Alright, twerp. You may have defeated my Ekans, but try out this for size! Koffing, go!

[Jersey throws the Poké Ball and Koffing exits.]

Xander:           Hey, Candace. Why don’t you send out your [impressed chuckle] sick-ass new Kadabra?

[Muddy Waters returns to his Poké Ball. Candace runs forward.]

Candace:          Yeah, that’s right, mister. Bet you never seen one o’ these before! Go, Kadabra!

[Candace throws a Poké Ball and Abra KaDebra exits.]

Jersey:            Whoa, that’s a Psychic-type. Good thing I got the move Grudge!

[Air rushes and hums as Koffing uses Grudge.]

So now, if you hurt me and you kill me, you’re gonna not have any moves left to use until you bring it to a Pokémon Center.

Candace:          Alright, Kadabra! Let’s just shut this guy up. Go, Confusion.

[Dull, warbling hum as Abra KaDebra prepares Confusion. Abra KaDebra cries out as it shoots its attack forward.]

Jersey:            Koffing, NO!

[Candace laughs mockingly.]

Don’t be confused by it’s spoons. Stop being—

[Jersey’s voice warbles unintelligibly. Koffing hurts itself and falls to the ground with a thud.]

Koffing, no!

[Jersey whimpers pitifully.]

Candace:          For a lotta talk, you got zero bite!

Sage:            With two back-to-back KOs, Jersey stands defeated.

[Koffing returns to its Poké Ball.]

Skip:             You just witnessed the power of teamwork! Without teamwork, you can’t get anywhere, because there’s a symbiotic relationship between the trainers and their Pokémon!

Xander:           Yeah!

Candace:          Yeah!

Xander:           All- yeah!

Candace:          [shouts] And everything that you just said in the very beginning of the battle to bully us, to attack us, you’re coming from a place of hate and that is wrong!

Xander:           Yeah!

Candace:          You need to come from a place of love!

Xander:           Hey, Ramona. Go!

[Xander throws the Poké Ball and Ramona exits, crying out.]

Jersey:            Oh, I’m outta Pokémon.

Xander:           Hey, Ramona. Use Twister!

Jersey:            Oh, on me? On me?

Candace:          [yells] Hey, Abra! Disable this dude!

Jersey:            No, no. Kids, kids. Hey, hey, bike gang! Where’s the gang?

[Ramona cries out. Motorcycles rev.]

Sage:            Hearing the commotion, we hear Jersey’s bike gang reving up their motorcycle engines in the distance. But! Not before Ramona uses her Whirlwind to blast this asshole Biker outta the park. The trailers and RVs start tilting back and forth like an earthquake. The trees and leaves are shaking, the grass vibrating as all the wind and air builds up.

Xander:           You done fucked up now, mister!

Sage:            And you see his body fly up with the hurricane. [chuckles]

Skip:             Jersey’s blasting off agaaaaaain!

[Jersey’s screaming fades away.]

Sage:            And then you see his body slam—

[A disgusting impact.]

[Everyone laughs in shock.]

—right at the top of Cycling Road. It’s really far away, but you’re able to see that he lands right at the top of the incline, and his body just lays everywhere, there’s all kinds of gore.

[Jessica groans in horror.]

But it’s still kinda together. And then it just slowly starts sliding down Cycling Road at about one mile an hour.

Skip:             Did you guys see anything? I didn’t see anything.

Xander:           [quiet] Let’s go now.

[Motorcycle engines rev in the distance.]

Skip:             Let’s go!

[The Dream Police run down Cycling Road.]

["Dream Police" song resumes.]

Narrator:         And so, before the loud motorcycles of the bike gang can arrive, our trainers, with wide eyes and sweat on their brow, escape the north side of Cycling Road.

Though there are still threats and mysteries around, the Dream Police have rekindled their team bond and are ready to continue their Kanto journey.

Next up is Fuchsia City, home of the famed Safari Zone.

Credits

[Music continues throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David McEuen and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Song fades out.]

#12 - Safari Zone Poachers

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 12 - Safari Zone Poachers

Air Date: March 26, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Cheerful Route traveling music.]

Narrator:         Our trainers have traveled a long way across Kanto. After exploring the Team Rocket hideout and discovering the plans for a devious Poké Petco, The Dream Police made their way to Saffron City. While Xander had left for the Cycling Road trailer park, meeting his long-lost father, Skip and Candace recall the bizarre experience they had in Sabrina's gym.

[The Dream Police walk down a dirt road.]

Candace:          [groans] I don’t wanna talk about it.

Xander:           Look, I know- I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but really, what- what happened?

Skip:             It was really weird.

Candace:          Like, really weird.

Xander:           Well, you didn’t get the Badge.

Skip:             We were asleep, we weren't asleep. Yes, we—

Candace:          Yeah. Okay, we didn't get- we didn't get the Marsh Badge.

Xander:           So d’we need to go back and get it? Or what?

Candace:          No, no, no, no, no, no. We don’t need to go back.

Skip:             I don't think it's gonna…

Candace:          It was a lot. And my Pokémon were, like, really exhausted and then, like, Debbie she was alright. But then, like, Fiddy went out- well, but I didn’t even- Fiddy was just freakin’ out and just really scared.

Skip:             There were a lot of spoons.

Xander:           Okay, now I have questions. Number one: Fiddy? What?

Candace:          My Haunter.

Xander:           Okay, I'm gonna say again. What?

Candace:          [loud and slow] Fiddy, my Haunter—

Xander:           Saying it slower doesn't help.

Candace:          Well, I just thought—

Skip:             You know her g-g-g… her g-g-g…

Xander:           Oh, the- the ghost you caught?

Candace:          Yeah. My- oh! Yeah, he was my Gastly, yeah. So Fiddler, my Gastly, evolved to Haunter when you were seeing your deadbeat dad. ...Sorry. [stifles laugh]

Xander:           Fine. Spoons? What about spoons?

Skip:             Yeah. Lot of ’em. Maybe three.

Xander:           Why was that in a battle- okay back to my original question. What happened?

Candace:          [whines] I don’t even know, Xander. I don’t even- I can’t even descri- I don’t even think you’ll ever understand.

Skip:             I think… I think she might be tryin’ ta help us.

Candace:          Sabrina? She was glowing. And floating.

Skip:             And sleeping.

Candace:          It’s like Nirvana state, but it was confusing and loud.

[Beat.]

Xander:           I no longer wish to know what happened.

Candace:          This is why I didn’t wanna talk about it to you.

Xander:           That’s okay. My bad.

[Cheerful Fuschia City theme begins to play.]

Skip:             Guys! Look up ahead. Fuschia City.

Candace:          Whoo! It’s pretty pretty.

Xander:           Looks good. What’s there?

Skip:             The Safari Zone.

Xander:           The what?

Skip:             The Safari Zone. It’s full of all sorts of great Pokémon.

Xander:           Isn’t that just outside? Is it- so wait, is it like a theme park, or…

Skip:             No, it’s a sanctuary.

Xander:           Oh, so you can go look at it, like a zoo?

Skip:             Yeah, but you can also throw rocks and sticks at the Pokémon.

Candace:          Uh, why would wanna do that?

Xander:           That was gonna be my question.

Skip:             To catch them!

Xander:           So wait, you can g- it’s a sanctuary where you can go catch Pokémon?

Skip:             Yes. But no battling.

Xander:           So it’s, like, outside but there’s a fence?

Skip:             Correct.

Xander:           Okay, I got it. Does it cost money?

Sage:            Our trainers enter Fuchsia City and they notice immediately that it strangely feels equally like a town and a zoo. And it never really decided which one’s which. There are just- there’s a house and then there’s a pen with a Chansey in it. And then there’s another house, and then there’s just, like, an Omanyte hangin’ out in a pond with a pen around it. It all kinda blends together and nobody seems to question this.

Candace:          Is there a law here? Are there laws here? Is there a Town Hall? This seems outta order.

Skip:             Here, let’s go up to this big map.

Candace:          You are here.

Skip:             ’Kay.

Xander:           [burps] There’s the Safari Zone.

Skip:             Guys! Let’s go to the Gym.

Candace:          Ah, yes! Redeem ourselves from that embarrassing failure without you, Xander.

Xander:           What happened?

Candace:          [quiet] Nothing.

Xander:           Let’s go to the- let’s go to the Gym. Let’s have- let’s go have a good time.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 12 - Safari Zone Poachers

[Door creaks open. Suspenseful music soars on flutes.]

Candace:          [shouts] Hello?

Sage:            It’s dark in the Gym. And there’s a lot of purple for some reason.

Candace:          I like the color purple.

Xander:           Uh…

Skip:             Great movie.

[Laughter.]

Hold on. Let’s get the light. I’m feeling along the wall. I’m feeling along the wall.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Luck.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Light switch clicks on.]

Candace:          Oh, gosh. Wow, I could’ve just used my Kadabra to light it u—

Voice:        Hey! Turn that off. Turn that off.

Xander:           I feel like there’s- oh! Who said that? Who said that?

Skip:             Who goes there?

Voice:        Turn that off!

Candace:          No!

[Xander cries out in surprise.]

Show your face!

Xander:           First—

Candace:          In the light.

Xander:           First—

Candace:          You’re beautiful!

Xander:           First- op.

[Travis and stifle laughter.]

Candace:          I’m tryin’a be more loving.

[Boots clomp on wood as someone comes forward.]

Sage:            A man steps out from the shadows.

Xander:           That’s nice.

Sage:            And takes a scarf off of his face.

[Uplifting Gym Lobby music plays; Traditional Japanese rendition on a Koto.]

He’s an elderly ninja. Not too old. Maybe, like, in his late fifties, early sixties.

Candace:          Sir, that is a lovely scarf.

Man:                Thank you.

Candace:          What’s your name?

Koga:              Koga.

Skip:             Are you the—

Candace:          Koga?

Skip:             Are you the Gym Leader?

Koga:              Yes. Unfortunately, once again, I am the Gym Leader here in Fuschia City.

Candace:          This is where we could get the Soul Badge?

Xander:           Why do you say “unfortunately”? And “once again”?

Koga:              Well, not too many years ago, my daughter, Janine—very skilled trainer thanks to me—she took my spot because I got promoted to the Elite Four.

Candace and Skip:     Whoooa.

Xander:           What does that mean?

Candace:          What? [scoffs] God, another- we’ll get there.

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          Continue.

Koga:              How many Badges do you have? Did you skip any Badges on your way to Koga?

Candace:          Uuuh, n—

Skip:             Five and yes.

Xander:           No. Yes.

Candace:          Well, we—

Xander:           Did we? How many do we have?

Candace:          We have the Thunder Badge.

Xander:           Mm-hmm.

Candace:          And the Rainbow Badge.

Xander:           Mm-hmm.

Candace:          And the Boulder Badge.

Xander:           Mm-hmm.

Candace:          And the Cascade Badge.

Xander:           Mm-hmm.

Candace:          And the Marsh Badge.

Koga:              The Marsh Badge?

Candace:          Yeah, we do.

Koga:              The Psychic one?

Candace:          Oh. No.

Koga:              [burps] Listen here, children.

Candace:          Gross!

Koga:              I got demoted ’bout a year ago. Janine’s in the Elite Four now.

Candace:          Then you should be happy for her.

Koga:              [glum] I know.

Skip:             You’re just jealous?

Koga:              Jealous? Of my own daughter?

Candace:          Well, it sounds like it.

Koga:              You know what it’s like to have your own offspring be better than you?

Candace:          Well… [chuckles]

Skip:             None of us- none of us know what that’s like.

Candace:          I know my parents know what’s that like! Right, guys? …Okay never mind.

Xander:           It’s okay. [chuckles]

[Beat.]

Koga:              So you wanna battle or somethin’?

Skip:             Yeah!

Xander:           Yeah!

Candace:          Yeah! Bring it on, man!

Skip:             Sorry about your demotion. Prepare to be defeated!

Candace:          By…

Skip:             The Dream Police!

[Xander chuckles.]

Candace:          Somersault!

Skip:             Cartwheel!

Candace:          Heavy panting!

Xander:           Oh, uh, jumping jack!

[Dream Police chime!]

Koga:              Is this like a thing you do?

[The Gym Battle theme starts; Traditional Japanese rendition.]

Xander:           J-jus- come on!

Skip:             Drati- Dra- Dragonair, go!

[Skip throws a Poké Ball and Dragonair exits, trilling.]

Xander:           We just became friends again!

Koga:              Muk, go!

Skip:             Dragonair, Thunder Wave!

[Dragonair trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Koga:              Muk, use Sludge.

[Muk growls and spits a bubbling, smelly blob.]

Skip:             No, Dragonair!

Candace:          Oh, no.

Xander:           Gross, it’s everywhere.

Skip:             Don’t be fazed by it.

[Xander groans in disgust.]

Burn through that with some Dragon Rage!

[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames rush forward.]

Koga:              Toxic!

[Muk growls and throws a Toxic globule.]

Xander:           Is nobody else noticing that it threw itself at it?

Skip:             Alright, Dragonair. It’s time to Slam him!

[Dragonair surges forward and Slams into Muk with a dull thud.]

Koga:              Good thing I can resist that, because Muk isn't a solid Pokémon. It’s smushy.

Candace:          [groans] He’s all everywhere.

Xander:           Yo, your Muk is leaking on the outside.

Candace:          It’s on my shoe!

Koga:              It also can’t move ’cause you Paralyzed it with your Thunder Wave.

[Paralyze zings.]

Skip:             Wow! I’m learning so much every single battle. You know what else is liquid? Water-type moves. Let’s do an Aqua Tail!

[Dragonair trills. Water bubbles around its tail as it smashes into Muk.]

Koga:              Whoa. There’s water everywhere. Why don’t you retort that with Sludge.

[Muk projectile vomits, smacking Dragonair in the face.]

Skip:             Oh, no!

Candace:          Aqua Tail looked like it really worked! Keep going, Skip!

Koga:              There you go, Muk!

Skip:             Alright, let’s hit ’im again! Aqua Tail!

[Dragonair trills. Water bubbles around its tail and slams Muk.]

Koga:              Muk, why don’t you Minimize yourself so he misses next time?

[Muk, growls and shrinks in on itself.]

Look at that, I bet you can’t even see where Muk went.

Candace:          Oh whoa. He’s so tiny!

Koga:              Like a ninja.

Candace:          He should just get smaller and disappear.

Koga:              One day he will if he keeps using Minimize. Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Muk, use Minimize again!

[Muk shrinks further.]

Skip:             Don’t let ’em escape your sight! Let’s torch this whole building! Light ’im up! Dragon Rage!

[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames surge toward Muk.]

Koga:              Oh, no!

Skip:             Whoa!

Koga:              Muk, get smaller and resist that Dragon Rage!

[Muk shrinks down again.]

You have only a little bit of health left.

Candace:          Oh my gosh, I can barely see the thing! Where is it? Is it on me?

Xander:           It’s like a little drop of sludge.

Candace:          Oh, please let me know if it’s on me.

Xander:           Nothin’ on you.

Skip:             Dragonair can’t even see him right now. He’s like a tiny little particle. Or he’s- he’s startin’ to seep into the wooden boards that we’re fighting upon.

Candace:          [worried] Yeah, he could go into our ears and into our brains and, like, eat it!

Koga:              That’s right. How do you know he’s not in your shoes right now?

[Candace groans in worry.]

Crawling up your back?

[Candace groans in disgust.]

Maybe he’s hiding in your closet at home.

Skip:             Maybe he’s hiding in a pile o’ water!

Xander:           You don’t know where I live!

Skip:             Dragonair, Aqua Tail!

[Dragonair trills. Water bubbles around its tail as it slams it onto the floor.]

Koga:              Good thing Muk is gonna resist that with more Minimize!

[Muk shrinks yet again.]

Candace:          Oh no, he’s so small.

Koga:              Where is he? You won’t ever find out. There’s little tiny sludge bombs hiding all around you in the shadows.

Candace:          [groans] I’m gettin’ the heebie jeebie’s.

Skip:             I understand why this guy’s a ninja and he picked a Muk as his Pokémon. It can be all stealthy-like.

Candace:          Spoopy.

Skip:             Dragon Rage!

[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames shoot out and hit the stadium floor.]

Koga:              Muk! That’s right, just hide. I don’t even know where you are anymore. I’m just gonna hope that you’re gonna keep doin’ what you’re doin’, alright Muk? ’Cause, uh, the- the- the jigs up, you know? I mean if you could, like, raise your hand or somethin’. Like, I…

[Music calms to a misadventure tempo.]

Hey, uh, children, do you- have you seen Muk? Like, I really don’t know where he is.

Candace:          [fearful] No! It’s probably in my brain right now!

Xander:           No. No, no, it’s your Pokémon, man.

Koga:              Well, I- I jus—

Skip:             I’m tryin’a find ’im.

Xander:           Can we stop and look for ’im?

Koga:              No, just- I- No, no, no. The battle’s gonna get—

Candace:          This is prob’ly why you were demoted, you old man!

Koga:              Hey! You shut your mouth, little girl.

Candace:          Oh. [growls] Don’t tell me to shut my mouth!

Xander:           You talk to your daughter like that, you prick?

[Candace steps up.]

[Music picks up to a battle tempo once more.]

Candace:          Tag me in! Tag me in, Skip!

Skip:             Alright. Dragonair, comeback!

[Dragonair returns to its Poké Ball.]

Candace:          Alright, that’s it, mister. Your little poop, muddy thing is gonna be sorry.

Koga:              Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Candace:          I’m gonna get my Kadabra, Debbie, on you! Debbie, go!

[Candace throws a Poké Ball and Abra KaDebra exits, with a cry.]

Alright, Debbie.

Koga:              Muk, use Sludge!

[Muk projectile vomits, smacking Abra KaDebra.]

Candace:          Ha! Oh!

Koga:              I Poisoned your Pokémon, and it has Synchronize ’cause it’s a Psychic Pokémon, so that means Muk is also Poisoned. But it can’t be Poisoned and Paralyzed, that doesn’t make any sense.

Muk is also made of Poison. I’m getting old.

Xander:           You should do something.

Candace:          Oh my god, you need to shut up!

Xander:           [quiet] Yeah, this guy’s…

Candace:          Debbie, Psybeam!

[Abra KaDebra cries out, shooting a psychic beam toward Muk.]

Koga:              Resist, Muk. Hide in the shadows and use Sludge again!

[Muk projectile vomits once more, smacking Abra KaDebra in the chest. Abra KaDebra cries out and falls with a thud.]

Look at that.

Candace:          Oh, no.

[Abra KaDebra returns to her Poké Ball.]

Koga:              What is your name, girl?

Candace:          [stubborn] I’m not telling you my name.

Koga:              [nonchalant] Alright.

Xander:           Hey, Marshtomp!

[Xander and Candace switch spots.]

Go!

[Xander throws a Poké Ball and Muddy Waters exits.]

Koga:              Wow, you have a Marshtomp! That Pokémon can only be found in the Hoenn region. How did you get it here in Kanto?

Xander:           [loud] I found him outside my trailer park.

Koga:              [quiet] Oh, that sounds like—

Xander:           [loud] He was hit by a car.

Koga:              [quiet] That sounds very sad.

Xander:           [loud] And now he’s gonna use—shut up!—he’s gonna use Mud Bomb! Mud Bomb!

[Muddy Waters growls. Mud bubbles up and shoots forward, splattering on the floor.]

Koga:              Mud against my Sludge? Good thing Muk is tiny and spread around the room.

Xander:           God, how d’you- like, its- if a Mud Bomb doesn’t hit it, I’m- at this point, I don’t even know… This seems rigged. There’s all- fine. Whatever. Rock Slide!

[Rocks rumble and scrape. Muddy Waters cries out.]

Koga:              No. Rocks? No, Muk!

Hey, wh-where is Muk? Like, have any of you seen Muk?

[Music slows to a misadventure tempo.]

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           I don’t think he’s in the room anymore, at this point.

Koga:              I have- I have not seen Muk anywhere. Like, he’s really just not anywhere.

Candace:          Can we just win now? Because I think Muk just ran away, and he’s—

Koga:              No, no, he’s still here. He’s hitting—

Candace:          [shouts] I don’t see him!

Koga:              He’s hitting you with Sludge Bombs every now and again if you just look.

Xander:           How d’you- like, yeah, I- I see why you were fired. Mud Bomb again.

[Mud bubbles and launches forward.]

[Music builds to a battle tempo.]

Candace:          You need to get a better hold of your Pokémon, sir.

Xander:           Now he’s gotta find ’im at this point.

Koga:              [realization] Th-this- this Gym’s dirty.

Xander:           Yeah.

Koga:              Dirty Gym.

Xander:           Been throwing sludge and mud all over it for…twenty minutes.

Candace:          Nice observation of your own frickin’ place, you doob.

Koga:              This- this- this Gym’s dirty. It’s really- it’s really dirty in here.

Xander:           [sighs wearily] Use- use Water Gun. Let’s try this. Let see if he’s…

Muddy Waters:         Marshtomp.

[Water splashes. Muk hisses.]

Koga:              No, wait a minute.

Xander:           Oh, I think it hit ’im! I heard ’im! I heard ’im yell!

Koga:              I heard- I heard it cry for help!

Xander:           Oh, do it again!

Koga:              You must be flooding the building.

Xander:           Muddy Waters, use Water Gun!

Koga:              No! Don’t flood out my poison Gym.

[Muk hisses and bubbles.]

No, Muk! He’s melting through the wood. No!

Xander:           He melted!

Candace:          Oh, gross! Cover your heads!

Xander:           Ew! He looks like diarrhea.

Sage:            We see all sorts of sludge just, like, pass over everybody and slap you all and form from a bunch of a million pieces. It’s like, you know, the Nickelodeon slime thing, but it’s purple.

[Everyone groans in disgust.]

Candace:          But it looks like shit.

Sage:            Yeah, that one.

[Muk returns to its Poké Ball.]

Koga:              That’s okay. Because I still have Koffing.

Xander:           Why does a ninja have a pile of diarrhea as a Pokémon?

Koga:              Shut up!

[Koga throws a Poké Ball and Koffing exits, spewing gas.]

Xander:           [amused] Okay.

Candace:          Oh god. This one’s farting!

Xander:           Alright, Muddy Waters. What is this thing, anyways?

[Clothes rustle as Xander pulls out his Pokédex.]

Pokédex.

Koga:              That’s Koffing.

Pokédex:        [beep] Koffing. The gas Pokémon. It smells and it also sounds really annoying, like this…

[Music halts.]

Koffing:          [deadpan] Koffing… [hacks]

[Stifled laughter.]

Xander:           Oh god, that’s- do they take it- I don’t care.

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

Mud Bomb!

[Battle music resumes!]

[Muddy Waters growls. Mud bubbles up and shoots forward, landing with a splat.]

Koga:              Koffing, why don’t you use something like Smoke Screen? That way this Muddy Water Pokémon won’t be able to see you and we’ll hide—

Xander:           Shut up!

[Xander shouts over Koga as Muddy Waters sprays water.]

Water Gun! Water Gun! Water Gun! I’m so no longer interested in what you have to say.

Koga:              Look at all this smoke everywhere. You can’t spray through my Smoke Scre- [gasps] Koffing! No!

Xander:           Marshtomp, hit ’im with Water Gun again. You need to end this. Now. I’m so sick of this guy. He’s getting on my nerves.

Koga:              Good thing your Pokémon is Poisoned.

[Poison bubbles.]

Xander:           I don’t care.

[Water shoots forward and splashes.]

Koga:              Hey! No! Koffing, come back!

Candace:          Whoa!

Xander:           Drown ’im, drown ’im, drown ’im!

Koga:              Stop it, come back, come back!

[Koffing returns to its Poké Ball.]

Xander:           Okay.

Koga:              You kids. You don’t hold back. You seem to have really good talents as trainers.

[Muddy Waters cries out in distress.]

Candace:          Yeah, we’re like the bomb.com.

Skip:             And we’re a team!

Xander:           Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.

[Poison bubbles. Muddy Waters collapses with a thud.]

Marshtomp, get up.

[Music slows.]

Candace:          Marshtomp.

Xander:           Muddy Wat- get…

Koga:              Children, you may be very well-versed, but one thing you have forgotten is that if your Pokémon is Poisoned, it will still take damage, even if you win.

Candace:          [quiet] Oh no.

[Clothes rustle as Koga pulls out another Poké Ball.]

Koga:              Weezing, go!

[Koga throws a Poké Ball and Weezing exits with a cry.]

[Beat.]

Xander:           Man, you know what’s really funny about gas? Is I feel like gas is super flammable.

Koga:              Yeah. So, like, don’t light a match, please. It’s happened once and it, like—

Candace:          Oh! That’s right, mister.

Xander:           [slow] Super fucking flammable.

[Candace runs to the edge of the stadium and switches places with Xander.]

Candace:          Get ready to be sorry!

Koga:              Wait, what?

Candace:          Pixie, go!

[Music builds.]

[Candace throws a Poké Ball and Pixie the Ninetales exits.]

Koga:              [groans] Oh, do you have a Fire Pokémon? Ah, man, this is not good!

[Pixie cries out, flaring her tails.]

Candace:          Alright, Pixie. Let’s light this baby up! Ember, go!

[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]

Koga:              No, it’s gonna explode! Weezing, fight back, use Sludge and Poison that Pokémon.

[Weezing cries out and lobs a Sludge blob, covering Pixie.]

Candace:          [groans] Oh no. Gross! Oh, Pixie, you’re not as beautiful. Alright, uh. Pay Back, Pixie! Pay Back for that!

[Chimes are heard as Pixie builds her attack. She jumps forward and slams into Weezing.]

Koga:              No, Pay Back means it’s gonna do…not that much damage.

[Weezing cries out and throws another Sludge blob at Pixie.]

Look at that.

Candace:          Oh gosh!

Koga:              Pixie’s losing. That’s what you call it, right?

Candace:          [frantic] Okay. Pixie, just Quick Attack, Quick Attack!

Koga:              I don’t nickname my Pokémon because I have disci—

[Pixie surges forward and slams into Weezing with a thud.]

Hey! That’s a very quick move. Good thing Weezing has high defense. Use Sludge again.

[Weezing cries out and lobs more Sludge toward Pixie.]

Candace:          Alright, one last shot, Pixie. One last shot. Will-O-Wisp.

[Flames erupt and surge toward Weezing.]

Koga:              No, it’s going to set Weezing on fire. Weezing is Burnt!

[Music cuts off.]

Candace:          Oh my go—!

[A loud explosion rocks the room! Everyone screams! Debris clatters down. Flute music returns and fades out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

Special Thanks

[Radio switches on.]

Jessica and Sage:     Hi! (Hello!)

Sage:           Thank you so much to our newest Patrons. Starting with

Stacey C. Stacey, thank you so much.

Rhea L. Rhea, you’re the bomb.

This next patron, Jessica, wanted to be thanked in specifically the robotic voice of Nurse Joy.

Jessica:          But I’m not Nurse Joy.

Sage:           Do it anyway. [chuckles]

Jessica:          [imitates Nurse Joy] Thank you, Maddison Upton.

Sage:           [chuckles] Nice.

We got a bunch of bonus episodes for you at patreon.com/20sidedstories. But! Don’t take my word for it.

[Radio switches stations. Upbeat music.]

Lt. Surge:          Attention! About face! Ears open! Hands up! At ease.

This is Lt. Surge of Vermilion City Gym.

[Charming smile flashes.]

Here at 20 Sided Stories, we love you and we know that you love us. But guess what, babies!

[Ad bounces.]

At patreon.com/20sidedstories we got some stuff that if you want it, you gotta pay up, baby.

[Whoosh!]

So you got $1? Good thing! Give us the $1, you get thanked on the show. But guess what? Let’s say you got two extra dollars. Put those $3, slap ’em in our pockets, you get some extra stuff with our Adventure Pass!

We can’t have this thing goin’ on forever if you don’t float some skrilla our way.

[Cash register dings.]

Patreon.com/20sidedstores. Give us the dough, we’ll get the flow inta ya ear.

Vermilion!

[Radio switches off and music cuts out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Kangaskhan!

 [Kangaskhan cry.]

Safari Zone Poachers - Part II

Narrator:         Meanwhile on Route 12…

[Short rival melody plays.]

Blue:          Okay. First lesson.

[Birds cry. Ship horns honk.]

Get out your fishin’ rod.

[Fishing rod clatters.]

Zach:            Okay.

Blue:          Go stand by that dock there.

[Zach walks to the edge of the dock.]

Zach:            Okay. Now what?

Blue:          Now I’m gonna ask you a question. Are you serious about this Champion thing?

Zach:            Heck yeah, I’m serious!

Blue:          Are you serious enough to stand on this dock and fish for Magikarps?

Zach:            Why would I do that?

Blue:          Because you’re gonna fight 200 Magikarps.

Zach:            [whining] Uncle Blue, is this—

Blue:          Each of your Pokémon.

Zach:            Uncle Blue, this is a joke. [chuckles]

Blue:          No it’s not.

Zach:            What?

Blue:          You need to understand something. Pokémon get better at certain things by fighting certain other types of Pokémon. This is called Effort Values, or EVs for short.

Zach:            Don’t you just fight another Pokémon and then you win?

Blue:          No. Because it’s not optimized. It’s not the best you could have.

Zach:            Well, what- does that even matter? ’Cause- ’cause it’s, like, as long as my level’s just a little bit higher and then I use the—

Blue:          What if you're in a battle, and your Tangela is fighting, oh, I don’t know, like a Sandshrew, or- or like a- like a- like a Marowak, right? Both slower Pokémon.

Zach:            I haven’t heard of either of these.

Blue:          So if your Tangela is slower than either of those Pokémon, they could land a lucky critical. You could lose the battle. That might be a Gym Badge. Or an important promotion.

Zach:            Well- well, those are- are those Ground-types?

Blue:          Yes.

Zach:            [quickly] Boom! Then I just use Water and I win.

Blue:          Tangela’s a Grass—

Zach:            Nailed it!

Blue:          Tangela’s a Grass-type.

Zach:            [nervous chuckle] Uh. Okay, well, then I’ll catch a Magikarp, and then- and then he’ll evolve into Gyarados. Got it! Nailed it!

Blue:          You could do that. You could spend 20 levels training a garbage fish into a huge dragon. OR! You could teach your Tangela to be fast and never have to worry about taking that lucky crit first.

[Beat.]

Zach:            [whining] Uncle Blue, this sounds like a- like a huge slogging grind.

Blue:          It’s hard work. And it’ll pay off in the end. Sure it might seem boring now. And maybe people will complain that you’re [mocks] ruining the meta. And you’re taking all the fun out of it.

[normal] But no. It’s about winning. And everybody knows that the first step to winning is getting to the top first. Because if you get there first, everyone has to go through you to get to the top.

Zach:            So why do- But I don’t- I don’t understand why I have to catch an Eevee.

Blue:          No. No, no, no, no. E- EVs are what- Effort Values. [loud] Speed points!

Zach:            [pitiful] I- Uncle Blue—

Blue:          Special Experience.

Zach:            [pitiful] Uncle Blue, this is too hard.

Blue:          Put the rod in the water.

Zach:            What?

Blue:          [loud] Fish for the Magikarp.

Zach:            [pitiful] Okay, here.

[Clothes rustle. A loud splash.]

Blue:          You just threw your fishing rod in the water, didn’t you?

Zach:            [cries] That’s what you said!

[Beat.]

Uncle Blue, you’re really—

[Zach takes a deep breath.]

[pitiful] Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just scared! [quiet] Of losing again.

[Beat.]

[quiet] They won in Oak’s Lab, by the way.

[Beat.]

Blue:          [gentle] They usually do.

[Beat.]

[gentle] They usually win in the lab.

[Beat.]

Get the rod outta the water, kid.

Zach:            [determined] Okay! Here we go!

[Clothes rustle. Another loud splash.]

Blue:          Oh my god. He just dove into the water.

[Beat.]

He’s like, eight. Does he know how to swim?

[Scene-changes with a woosh.]

[Ambient music soars.]

Sage:            We awake in hospital beds.

[Skip groans.]

Candace:          [weak] Skip.

Skip:             [weak] Candace?

Candace:          What happened?

Skip:             That Weezing blew up.

Candace:          [whispers] Oh my- [gasps] Is Pixie okay?

Skip:             What’s this in my hand?

[Beat.]

Sage:            What?

Candace:          What is it?

Skip:             Is it a Badge? Did I catch a flying Badge?

[Greg stifles laughter.]

Sage:            Oh you—

Skip:             Oh, never mind.

Candace:          I think you’re just delusional right now, Skip.

Skip:             Super drunk.

Sage:            You both look to your right and see Xander. Not awake.

[Danger music builds.]

Candace:          Xander? Xander, ’s that you?

Skip:             Pst, Xander, hey.

Candace:          Xander, stop being silent all the time. Jus- Hello!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Xander, roll for Health.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

What is your Hidden Power?

Travis:          Confidence.

[Laughter.]

Sage:            We cut to Xander’s dream.

[A whooshing chime as we enter Xander’s dream. Voices echo a bit.]

Xander:           Oh man, this looks like school, except everything’s really tall. Also, I’m not wearing any pants. Oh man. This sucks. I wonder if I’m dead. Is this heaven? Aw. Aw, god that would suck so much. I guess I’ll go to class.

[Chatter in background.]

Teacher:        Alright everybody. Prepare, it’s a pop quiz.

Xander:           Aw, man. I didn’t—

Teacher:        Xander, did you bring your report?

Xander:           Oh, got my p- Ah.

Taunting Student:    You ain’t got a pocket, ’cause you got no pants on!

Xander:           [groans] Oh no, all I have is…this…what is this?

Sage:            Xander wakes up, looking at his hand, and he has…a Badge.

Greg:          This is ridiculous!

[Laughter.]

[Hopeful music.]

Skip:             Xander, you’re awake!

Xander:           [groans] Who gave me jewelry?

Candace:          Oh my gosh! Is that what I think it is?

Xander:           Is this yours?

[Candace gasps.]

Do you wear a necklace?

Candace:          It’s the Soul Badge!

Sage:            We see a man in a full-body cast. It’s also black. And he still has a scarf.

[Stifled laughter.]

Wheel himself in.

[Powered wheelchair hums as Koga enters the room.]

Candace:          Oooooh, snap.

Koga:              Children, you have been awarded—

Xander:           You tried to kill us.

Koga:              No- [confused] No, I didn’t.

Xander:           You blew up your own building with us in it.

Koga:              You called out a Fire Pokémon.

Candace:          Hey. Where is Pixie?

Koga:              Uh, I believe all your Pokémon are healing at the Pokémon Center.

[Candace sighs in relief.]

Right next to the entrance to the Safari Zone.

Candace:          Ooo.

Koga:              Uh, looks like you guys didn’t get it nearly as bad as I did.

Candace:          Thank god.

Koga:              Ah, it’s gonna be another year or so ’til the Gym’s back up, but uh, there’s your Badge.

Candace:          Oh. That means we’re, like, the last ones to win the Badge for a long time, guys.

Xander:           [weak] Hooray.

Koga:              Well, there’s also this other kid. Uh, Zachary, I think—

Candace:          AHHH! My god.

Koga:              Yeah, he got it yesterday.

Candace:          [quiet] Fucking shithead. I hate that kid.

Koga:              He was with another Gym Leader. Blue.

Candace:          Did they say anything?

Koga:              Like, a lot of really arrogant stuff. Like “loser” and “smell ya later” and “gramps”. Stuff like that.

Candace:          Sounds, you know—

Skip:             Typical.

Candace:          Typical.

Skip:             Typical them. Yeah.

Candace:          Alright, well—

Koga:              Well, I’m gonna go sightsee on a Route somewhere.

Xander:           You should go visit your daughter or something.

Candace:          That’s a good idea.

Xander:           Sounds like you got some things to work out. Not to prod or anything, but—

Koga:              Nah, you’re right.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh shit, okay.

Koga:              We do. If you guys get to her before me—I imagine you’re challenging the Elite Four—uh, just, you know, give her my regards or whatever.

Skip:             Hey, ninja dad.

Koga:              Yeah?

Skip:             You got it.

Koga:              [softly] Thanks.

[Powered wheelchair moves away.]

Xander:           [quiet] There’s a lotta dads in this area.

Skip:             Anybody wanna catch any rare Pokémon?

Xander:           [loud] Yes!

[Safari music. Various Pokémon cry out.]

Skip:             Wow.

Candace:          Whoa!

Skip:             You guys, hear that rumbling?

[Quiet rumbling slowly builds.]

Candace:          Oh, gross look at that Pinsir. I didn't realize they were so ugly in real life.

Xander:           Why did they give us rocks?

Skip:             Stampede of Tauros! Move guys!

Candace and Xander:   Aaaaaaahhh!

[The two leap out of the way. A loud, rumbling stampede passes by.]

Candace:          Oh my god.

Xander:           They let people in here?

Candace:          This place is nuts!

Xander:           They charge to get in. I had to pay money to get almost wrecked by a bun- Ordos?

Skip:             Tauros.

Xander:           Bless you.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Sage:            Our trainers are then approached by two rugged-looking Park Rangers.

Candace:          [sings] We’re in the safari. [normal] Hello!

[Both rangers speak with a thick, vaguely-Southern accent.]

Ranger 1:        Stop right there.

[Xander cries out in worry.]

Candace:          What?

Ranger 2:        Don't go anywhere!

Ranger 1:        Hands up!

Ranger 2:        That’s right.

[Clothes rustle as everyone puts their hands up. Candace and Xander scream. Xander pants anxiously.]

Ranger 1:        Hands up!

Skip:             Alright.

Ranger 1:        Come on, now!

Candace:          Uh, Children Lives Matter!

Ranger 1:        That's enough. That's enough. That's enough.

Xander:           [worried] Ah, okay.

Ranger 2:        Yeah, you betta stop it there.

Ranger 1:        State yer business.

Candace:          Uuuhhh.

Skip:             We wanted to check out the Safari Zone.

Rangers 1 & 2:       [together] Ooohh. You wanna check out the Safari Zone. Ooooohhh.

Xander:           Oh, this is uncomfortable. [nervous chuckle]

Ranger 1:        Well, looks like we got a couple o’ live ones here, Tex.

Tex:            Ain’t that right, Bex?

Bex:              Yeah. You boys are in a whole lotta trouble.

Skip:             [bored] One of us is a girl.

Candace:          [shouts] I’m a girl!

Bex:              Y’all boys and girls in a whole lotta trouble now.

Xander:           Troub- Why? What did we do?

Bex:              Oh, you gon’ go down. You gon’ go down hard!

Xander:           [panicked] Don’t- d’you think- do they know about the forest?

[Gun cocks. Candace screams. Everyone starts yelling over each other.]

Tex:            On your knees!

Bex:              On your knees!

Candace:          Okay, okay! I’m going, I’m going! Hey!

Xander:           [fast; frantic] Do they know about the forest? This is it. Guys, we’re goin’ away. This is it. Someone told! Someone told!

Candace:          You just wait ’til you find out my dad is—

Xander:           I’m sorry!

Candace:          —’cause you’ll be in a lot o’ trouble!

Bex:              Who’s yo daddy, baby?

Candace:          He's a politician in Pallet Town and my mom's a big-shot lawyer!

Xander:           And my dad fronts a Cheap Trick cover band!

Candace:          Yeah, and my aunt—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—is Aunt Clair. She was the Gym—

Bex:              What about you, quiet boy? What d’you got going on?

Skip:             [calm] I got a Dragonair. [shouts] Dragonair, go!

[Skip throws a Poké Ball and Dragonair exits, trilling angrily.]

Bex:              Oh, wait- bu- ba- be- no!

Tex:            Whoa, whoa, hey! There’s no Pokémon battlin’ in here.

[Bex lifts his gun.]

Skip:             Whoa, dude!

[Dragonair trills angrily, protecting the children.]

Bex:              Call her off! Call her off, boy! Call her off, boy! She gon’ get a big ol’ belly full o’ lead!

Skip:             Hey man, it's not cool to shoot Pokémon with guns.

Tex:            Yeah, we know all about that.

Bex:              You- you boys ’n’ girls, you—

Xander:           [frantic] Skip, I don't think these guys are messing around. You should call her back.

[Dragonair returns to her Poke Ball.]

Tex:            That’s right, boy.

Bex:              That’s right, boy.

Tex:            Bex, why don’t you give ’em the low down on what’s goin’ on in the Safari Zone.

Bex:              What’s goin’ happen here- you messin’ with- [grunts comically]

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Candace:          I don’t even understand a word you guys are saying!

Tex:            [babbling incoherently] Badbadaballah sa-blah blah!

Bex:              That’s ’cause you a poachers you don’t understand what we're saying!

Xander:           What? I’m not—

Candace:          [shouts] I don’t like poached eggs!

Xander:           I’m—

Bex:              Oh, that’s the perfect excuse for a poacher.

Candace:          We have our Pokédex. It says how old I am and my name!

Bex:              You got Poké lies, poacher! Prepare ta meet’cha make’a.

[Gun cocks. Xander stammers in worry.]

Candace:          [fearful] Uh, who’s my maker?

[Danger music builds. Bex walks forward, aiming at the group. Candace groans in fear. A tap is heard as Tex moves Bex’s gun away from its target.]

[Music cuts off.]

Tex:            No, no, no. Bex, Bex, Bex.

Bex:              What, what, what?

Tex:            Maybe these trainers can help us.

Bex:              Trainers?

Tex:            Yeah, you never know.

Bex:              You tellin’ me they ain’t poachers?

Tex:            We don’t know for sure, but if they got a Dragonair, then it looks pretty good they might not be, you know, poachers.

Xander:           We got Badges. We got- we got Badges.

Candace:          We’ve got Badges!

Tex:            Show me your Badges!

[Tex raises his gun.]

Bex:              Badges!

[Candace and Xander cry out in worry. Backpack zips open.]

Candace:          Okay, okay, okay! We got- this one is the Boulder—

Xander:           [fast] You want ’em, you can have ’em. [nervous chuckle]

[Tex and Bex mumble amongst themselves.]

Candace:          No! No! You can’t have ’em.

Xander:           [quiet] I don’t wanna die.

Bex:              Checks out.

Tex:            It looks pretty legit.

Bex:              Checks out.

Tex:            Alright.

Bex:              Alright, if you guys are really Pokémon trainers, what’s the secret Pokémon trainer password?

Tex:            Yeah, that’s right!

Bex:              Say it all in unison.

Tex:            Ready?

Tex and Skip:         One, two, three…

Dream Police:        Dream Police! [Xander shouts vague noises matching Candace and Skip]

Bex:              Checks out. Alright. Cool.

Tex:            Yeah, alright, that's good. Alright. Just right- right this way, right this way.

Candace:          [excited] You guys!

Xander:           [relieved] Oh, shit, alright.

[Safari music picks up; light drum beats.]

Bex:              Sorry about all the scarin’ hoopla boys and girls. It's just we got a couple o’ really screwed up poachers coming in here and they…

[Candace gasps.]

We got, you know, Ponytas with their necks slit. We got a Rhydon with its horn cut off who’ll have to die.

[Xander moans in horror.]

Tex:            This big ivory trade goin’ down.

Xander:           Oh my god.

Candace:          Have you seen what these people look like?

Bex:              We don't know. All we know is they like to hang Mankeys.

[Stifled laughter.]

And they like to- like to nail- they were nailing these—

Skip:             How did they hang them?

Bex:              By- by their ankles.

[Stifled laughter.]

And they went ahead and they- we got- we been recov—

Xander:           Beatin’ ’em like Piñatas?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Candace:          I don’t wanna picture this!

Bex:              Hold on, boy, you seem to know an awful lot about these poachers.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Candace:          No, no, no!

Tex:            [growls] You one o’ them, boy?

Candace:          No!

Bex:              I found a Hitmonchan skinned alive.

Candace:          Why—

[Bex runs over and grabs Xander by the shirt.]

Bex:              Was that you, boy?!

Xander:           [fearful] No! It wasn’t me.

Bex:              You wouldn’t no be skinnin’ no Hitmonchan for his hide would you? An’ make a Hitmonchan suit for those weird fetishists out there in the big world.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          A what?

Xander:           [crying] I did none of that!

Bex:              Silly boys and girls!

Xander:           [crying] I had none of that!

Bex:              You comin’ in here, you poach, makin’, uh—

Xander:           I- my only Pokemo- I found a Mudkip that got hit by a car and I- I made it better.

Tex:            Alright, Bex, he’s cryin’. We should prob’ly give ’em a break.

Xander:           [tearful] Oh my god, I’m so scared! Oh god.

Bex:              I don’t know ’bout it. I’m still skeptical.

Xander:           Oh god.

Bex:              I’m gonna keep my shotgun out—

Xander:           [whimpers] Okay.

Bex:              —and cocked just in case.

[Gun cocks.]

Xander:           Oh god.

Tex:            Alright.

Bex:              Alright.

Skip:             Alright.

Candace:          Alright.

Tex:            Alright.

[Xander cries.]

Bex:              We gonna need your help catchin’ these poachers before they go an’ they just keep killin’ and killin’ our Pokémon.

Candace:          We’re- we’ll help you. We’ll help you!

Xander:           [whimpers] Okay. I’ll do anything.

Bex:              Turn them into prophylactics an’- an’ toys an’ all the other twisted stuff these poachers turn into—

Candace:          [shouts] Xander, man up! You’re, like, sobbing right now!

Xander:           [shouts] There’s a gun [weakly] in my face.

Tex:            [shouts] You ever seen a Tangela untangled before?

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          You know what, mister! You don’t wanna mess with me!

Xander:           [fearful] It’s just, I don’t do well with a lot o’ noise. I have anxiety issues. I’m gonna sit down.

Bex:              They’ve been grinding up our Omanytes and turnin’ ’em inta Viagra!

[Stifled laughter.]

Skip:             Alright. I’m- I’m down. Let’s do it.

Bex:              They been pumpin’ water inta the- the chemicals in the water turn the Mudkips gay! It’s what’s been goin’ on. You guys are gonna help us catch ’em before you—

Candace:          Mister.

Bex:              Prove you’re not really poachers.

Candace:          Mister! MISTER!

Bex:              What? Bex.

Skip:             [Greg stifles laughter] Did he say he’s gonna turn your Mudkip gay?

Candace:          [shouts] I don’t know what mumbo jumbo you’re talkin’ about, but you better tell us what you want us to do right now, or I’m about to go crazy on you!

Bex:              Don’t you talk ’bout my mama, Bo Jumbo, like that!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Can somebody in the party roll me Sense?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

[Success chime.]

Net, success and…

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Success! Okay.

Travis:          I’m pissing myself. [stifles laugh]

Sage:            Xander is pissing himself.

Candace:          Ah, gross, Xander. Wear a diaper.

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            Meanwhile, amongst the chaos, Candace and Skip get a very, very odd feeling about these two “Rangers”.

[A jungle drumbeat begins.]

Candace:          Uh… Are you feelin’ what I’m feelin’ right now?

Skip:             Yeah. Are you ready? [shouts] Candace, attack!

[Candace growls.]

Tex:            Wait, wait, hold on. What’re ya doin’, kids?

Bex:              Wait, wait, wait, what’re you doin’ there?

[Candace roars and charges at Tex.]

Tex:            Hey, hey, ah, ah, wha—

Candace:          AAaaaaaaAaAAaaaaa!

[Sounds of punching as she attacks Tex.]

Ha! Hoo! Heh! Heh! Pow!

[Bex shoots and cocks his gun. Xander screams.]

AHHH! Oh my god!

Tex:            You’re gonna calm down, kid.

Skip:             Hey, hey, sh-shut up man. What’re you afraid to fight?

Candace:          Yeah.

Skip:             Gotta use your big strong gun?

Candace:          Yeah, you can’t fight me with your bare hands?

Skip:             What kinda Pokémon are you? A Chicken?

[Candace clucks mockingly.]

[mocking] Chicken!

Tex:            Ah, shut- shu- shu- shu-

Bex:              Now, now, listen up!

[Tex continues stammering.]

Skip:             [mocking] Chicken! Chicken!

Candace:          [mocking] Chi-Chi-Chi-Chicken!

Tex:            Shut the fuck up!

[Gun fires!]

[Music stops.]

Candace:          [startled] Okay, okay. I was- [stammers] Sorry.

Tex:            Bex, come over here I need ta talk to you for a second. You kids don’t go anywhere!

Xander:           [fearful] Okay.

[Tex and Bex walk a few feet away.]

Bex:              What, what is it?

Tex:            [quiet] Bex, I think they’re onto us.

Bex:              [quiet] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they got a clue. I been tryin’ my intimidation tactic, but my points keep comin’ up short.

Tex:            [quiet] Alright, why don’t you just try it one more time?

Bex:              [quiet] Okay.

Tex:            [quiet] Go ahead. Roll those dice.

[Stat test chime.]

Bex:              [mumbles] Okay, hold on. This is it.

[Dice roll on the table.]

Tex:            [quiet] No, roll the- roll the other one.

Bex:              [quiet] Oh, yeah.

Tex:            [quiet] Th-the- with the pluses and the minuses.

Bex:              [mumbles] Oh, oh, okay. Uh.

Tex:            [quiet] Two o’ those, there ya go.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[quiet] Yeah, yeah. Th-they’re pretty much onto us. It’s not lookin’ too good.

Bex:              Yeah. [mumbles]

Tex:            [quiet] Uh… You think we should just battle them? We got Kangaskhan.

Candace:          [shouts] I jump on your back!

[Candace leaps forward.]

Sage:            [amused] Oh my god.

[Laughter.]

[Fun swing music picks up. Bex screams as Candace clings to him.]

Okay, roll—

[Bex screams again.]

Xander:           [fearful] Oh my god!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace! Can you roll for Brawn?

Jessica:          Yes.

[Failure chime.]

Travis:          Shit.

Sage:            Bex throws you off and you fall on your back.

Candace:          Ow!

Skip:             Whoa!

Xander:           Hey.

Skip:             Draongair, go!

[Skip throws a Poké Ball and Dragonair exits, trilling.]

Tex:            Alright, hey! Bex, I’m gonna take this little fiesty one. Why don’t you go ahead and battle them?

Bex:              Alright. Dungaree, get out there!

Sage:            Tex and Bex dodge outta the way. They get in the tall grass with their shotguns, and they throw out a Kangaskhan.

[Bex throws a Poké Ball and Kangaskhan exits, growling.]

Bex:              Get ’im, Dungaree! Get ’im good!

Xander:           Whoa.

Skip:             Dragonair, Thunder Wave!

[Dragonair trills. Thunder Wave zaps.]

Bex:              Ah! Dungaree’s Paralyzed! Quick use Seismic Toss, Dungaree! Giant Seismic Toss!

[Kangaskhan picks up Dragonair and hurls it. Dragonair crashes to the ground.]

Skip:             Whoa!

[Dragonair trills.]

Xander:           Oh my god!

Skip:             Hang in there, Dragonair!

Xander:           He picked up Dragonair and threw her across the f- the field!

Bex:              That’s right, boy! Shot put! 20, 20, 20!

Skip:             Alright, let’s see how good you are against a little bit of Dragon Rage!

[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames rush at Kangaskhan.]

Bex:              Uh-oh!

Xander:           Oh, that got ’im!

Bex:              Dang-aroo! Dungaree Paralyzed again!

[Paralyze zings. Kangaskhan growls.]

Sage:            Meanwhile, we cut over to Candace and Tex wrestling in the tall grass.

[Clothes rustle as Candace and Tex fight.]

Candace:          I’m gonna frickin’ tear your eyeballs out!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Then roll for Defense.

[Hidden Power chime.]

What’s your Hidden Power?

Jessica:          Brawn, baby!

Sage:            Nice! You scrape right into his eyeballs.

[Squelching as Candace tears into Tex’s eyes.]

Xander:           Oh my god!

[Candace cackles. Tex screams in pain.]

Tex:            Oowww my eyes!

Candace:          I’m blood-hungry!

Bex:              Tex! Nooo!

Skip:             Dragonair! Bring the rage again! Dragon Rage!

[Dragonair trills. Electronic hum, flames surge and hit Kangaskhan.]

Bex:              Ah, Dungaree, Crunch that mother like you never crunched before!

[Kangaskhan rushes forward and bites Dragonair.]

Skip:             It hit, but it wasn’t very effective.

Xander:           He’s too hurt.

Skip:             It doesn’t matter. Kangaskhan, no matter what kinda move you do, I’m gonna evade it. Because Dragonair and I are a team! And you? You’re just mean.

[Kangaskhan growls.]

Bex:              Ah, man. Dungaree’s really on the ropes. Hold on there ol’ boy! We can get through this!

Skip:             [chuckles] You’re not gonna get through much after you deal with my Dragon Rage!

[Dragonair trills. Electric hum, flames fly ahead. Kangaskhan cries out in pain and falls to the ground with a dull thud.]

Bex:              No! Dungaree! Dungaree!

Xander:           He got ’em!

[Candace runs over. Blood drips on the ground.]

Candace:          Guys, I got his eyeballs in my hand! [Jessica stifles laughter]

Sage:            [amused] Oh my god.

Xander:           [yells] What the FUCK?!

Bex:              Te-Tex! Tex, talk to me!

Tex:            [cries] I can’t see. I’m blind! I feel so bad!

[Candace cackles.]

I feel so bad!

Bex:              [yells] Dear lord!

Tex:            [cries] All those Tauros tails I cut off—

Bex:              [yells] Jesus Christ!

Xander:           [yells] What the hell is going on?

Bex:              [yells] Jesus Christ, Lord! God in heaven!

Tex:            [cries] Bex! Bex, pick me up, let’s get outta here!

Bex:              [yells] I gotcha boy, follow me! Hold on tight, boy!

[Clothes rustle as Bex picks up Tex. Boots stomp across the dirt as Bex flees.]

Sage:            As Tex and Bex escape deep into the Safari Zone, unknown how deep they can go or how deep it goes, our trainers run back to the entrance point and they run right into—

[Music ends.]

—a nicer looking Ranger with a very, very, very positive demeanor.

[The Dream Police yell over each other. The Ranger speaks calmly throughout the chaotic shouting.]

Xander:           [yells] Oh, Candace just scratched out [stammers] and then they shot at us, and he had shotguns and there was a Kangaskhan, and then they [stammers] and we’re sorry! And we didn’t burn down the forest no matter who says we did! We didn’t burn down the forest!

Skip:             [shouts] And then there was- there was two of ’em and they both attacked! She ripped the eyeballs out!

Candace:          [cackles with bloodlust] I got blood in my hands! [groans in disgust] Oh, poached eggs!

Ranger:           [soothing] Oh, children, children… Oh my god, kids. Kids, kids, kids, kids.

Skip:             Turned a Marshtomp gay!

Ranger:           Children!

[Deafening silence.]

Did you just stop the poachers?

Xander:           [gasps] Wait, that—

Skip:             [firm] Yes.

Candace:          Yeeess?

Xander:           They were the poachers?

Ranger:           Yes. There’s been two very angry poachers that have been hiding in the Safari Zone and mangling our Pokémon and our—

Xander:           Were they vaguely Southern?

Ranger:           Yes.

Candace:          Oh, my gosh, guys.

Skip:             We did it. We messed them up.

Candace:          If you needa ID them—

[Clothes rustle. Eyeballs squelch.]

Here’s—

Ranger:           No, no, no. Just- just, uh. Put in the trash can right here. Just…

Candace:          But this is, like—

Ranger:           Just drop th- Listen, listen.

Xander:           Don’t- those aren’t Badges. We don’t need those.

Candace:          But they be for—

Ranger:           [whispers] Just put ’em in the trash, please.

[The Ranger extends the trash can.]

Candace:          [quiet] Okay.

[Trash can lid clanks open. Eyeballs squelch as Candace dumps them inside. Lid clanks shut.]

Xander:           They’re still out there.

Ranger:           It’s okay. We’re gonna take it from here. We have a team of Scythers comin’ in.

Xander:           Oh. [nervous chuckle]

Skip:             Wow. You guys’re really gonna be a…cut above the rest.

Xander:           So… Can- when… Can we still go in, or…?

Ranger:           Oh, no, no, no. Safari Zone’s closed for a little while.

[Xander groans in disappointment.]

Xander:           [quiet] Dammit.

Skip:             D’you need some tea?

Ranger:           But I want to award you guys for your excellent efforts.

[The Ranger pulls something out of a pocket.]

[Main Theme starts.]

Candace:          [quiet] With what?

Ranger:           Take this disk.

[Candace takes the disk and gasps.]

On it is the Hidden Machine Surf. You look like a bunch of young trainers that could get across some water. That sound helpful?

Candace:          Ooo.

Skip:             Indeed it does.

Candace:          [slowly] Indeed it does.

[She stores the HM in her backpack.]

Ranger:           Alright, children. I have to get back to my duties, but thank you so much. Um, [whispers] Hey, you two fellas. Watch out for her. That’s- that’s a bit much. The eyeball thing.

[Candace mumbles in shock.]

Skip:             Bye, sir!

Xander:           Yeah, we’re gon- yeah.

Candace:          [mumbles crazily] Blood. Blood.

Xander:           ’Kay, Candace, let’s go.

Skip:             Let’s get you to a Pokémon Center.

Xander:           Let’s go- let’s go sit down for a while.

Candace:          B-b-b-blood.

Credits

[Pokémon Main Theme continues throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David Michmerhiezen, Noah Sturtridge, and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Main Theme crescendos and fades out.]

Extras

Candace:          Oh my gosh!

[Everyone screams.]

Xander:           He exploded!

Sage:            [amused] The whole building blows up.

Candace:          I don’t know why I didn’t use that one first!

Travis:          Hold on. The whole building blew up?

Sage:            The whole building.

Jessica:          Wait a minute!

Travis:          [shocked amusement] Alright. What happens now?

[Laughter.]

Greg:          We see our three heroes—

[Jessica screams.]

Travis:          Hold on! What happens now?

Greg:          Never mind.

#13 - Surf to Seafoam

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode

Air Date: April 2, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[A humming and a warble as Skip recalls a memory. Everything sounds lo-fi, as if playing through a radio.]

[Gentle piano music. Water laps against the shore.]

Skip:             Hey, bro.

Cedric:           Swipe right. Swipe left…

Skip:             C-Cedric.

Cedric:           Swipe- what's up, little bro?

Skip:             Hey, man, I just wanted to catch you before you left.

Cedric:           Oh. Well, yeah, it’s why you came out here.

Skip:             Yeah, um… Well, I guess, um, well, I don't know.

Cedric:           Swipe left.

Skip:             I hope you have a safe journey and…you make good choices.

Cedric:           What’d you say?

Skip:             Uh, just…you know, travel safe.

Cedric:           Did you get a job yet?

Skip:             Uh…

Cedric:           You old enough? You sixteen?

Skip:             No, not yet. Just s- you know.

Cedric:           You could prob’ly get somethin’ local.

Skip:             I'm doing school.

Cedric:           Oh. [scoffs] I got a—

Skip:             Could probably deliver pizzas.

Cedric:           Yeah, you gotta start somewhere, right?

Skip:             Yeah. And I can do that on my skateboard. Isn't that impressive?

Cedric:           Oh, you still going for that little bro?

Skip:             [quiet] I’m the best one in town.

Cedric:           [amused] That's ’cause nobody skates here, little bro. Gotta stop comparing yourself to the bottom and compare yourself to the top. Pallet Town’s a small place.

Skip:             [quiet] I am the top skateboarder.

Cedric:           In Pallet Town.

Skip:             [mumbles] Okay.

Cedric:           Are you the top skateboarder in Fuchsia?

Skip:             [quiet] No.

Cedric:           How ’bout Celadon?

Skip:             [quiet] Probably not.

Cedric:           Saffron?

Skip:             Maybe! They're more of a swimming town.

Cedric:           Nah, you’re thinkin’ o’ Cerulean.

Skip:             Oh. Well, I’m practically old enough to go out on my own adventure. I can go see the world! Just like Red!

Cedric:           [scoffs] Oh, just like Red. You know how many kids fall for that story, little bro?

Skip:             All of ’em.

Cedric:           [scoffs] Yeah. You know there's really not any, like, money in the League right? I-it's all kind of a show thing. Y-you put in—

Skip:             It’s the most popular thing in the world!

Cedric:           Yeah, but unless you're, you know, a total champion and you actually have a sponsorship and you perform on television often and you travel to different regions, you're not really gonna be making much money.

Skip:             Well, bro, that’s just it! I think I can be a Champion. Sorry. I- I got lost in the clouds.

Cedric:           Yeah. I know. [sighs] Well, little bro, I guess that's just where you and I differ.

Skip:             You don’t like lookin’ at the clouds?

Cedric:           The point is, um…you gotta compare yourself to the top, little bro.

Skip:             And you're the top?

Cedric:           I'm getting there.

Skip:             Okay.

Cedric:           I got- I got a cruise liner.

Skip:             Cool!

Cedric:           Yeah.

Skip:             What's it called?

Cedric:           The S.S. Dan. It's- that’s- it's not like, uh…

Skip:             Named after dad?

Cedric:           Yeah, that’s… Yeah, I didn’t tell anybody that part but, you know. So…that's definitely where that came from.

Skip:             Well, I won't forget it.

[Beat]

Cedric:           Hey, um, you know, uh, little bro, just forget a lot of the stuff I said.

Skip:             Done.

Cedric:           You're gonna do great things. Um…prob’ly not gonna see you for a while though.

Skip:             Uh…sure. I'm probably gonna have to travel by foot, so…

Cedric:           Well, I mean I'm leaving. I'm going on trips for- going to Alola, goin’ on- pretty much going on, like, a whole tour right now. Business tour. So…

Skip:             Oh. Oh, okay.

Cedric:           Yeah.

Skip:             So, like, in a year?

Cedric:           At best, really. At best.

Skip:             Okay.

Cedric:           Um…just don't try to call me or anything. That's all.

Skip:             Why?

Cedric:           I- I'm gonna be busy, bro. With some stuff that- it’s a little too complicated for- for you. So…

Skip:             Well, okay. Uh, feel free to call me, though.

Cedric:           Mm-hmm.

Skip:             Just, um, I'm gonna get a Pokédex one day, and I'm sure if you call Pallet Town, then they'll- they’ll let you know what the- what the Pokédex number is. And you can just call me.

Cedric:           Swipe right. Swipe- what?

Skip:             You got it, bro. Swipe right.

Cedric:           Yeah. Uh, oh I gotta go! Uh, it’s 5:00.

[Footsteps fade away as Cedric leaves.]

Skip:             Okay. Uh,[shouts] love you, bro!

[The long, warbly sound returns as Skip returns to present day.]

[Adventurous Route-travel music.]

Narrator:         After blowing up the Fuchsia City Gym, and violently disrupting the wanted Safari Zone poachers, the Dream Police have made their way south towards Seafoam Islands. Acquiring the Soul Badge and the HM Surf, they and their Pokémon have grown considerably stronger yet again.

[The Dream Police walk along a dirt road.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh. What a…what a frickin’ couple o’ days it’s been.

Skip:             [slowly] Yeah.

Xander:           S-sorry for kind of losin’ it back there. I didn’t…

Skip:             I think—

Candace:          Uck. You're sorry? I'm sorry, guys.

Skip:             Yeah.

Xander:           Well, when you get- when you lose it you- you tear guys’ eyes out. I just had to get new pants.

Candace:          Yeah. Your pee smells like cat pee.

Xander:           That's nice.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Well, I'm sorry. I’m- okay. Xander, I'm sorry. Um, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I need to filter what I- should- I should think before I speak.

Skip:             This is good progress, guys.

Xander:           It’s been—

Candace:          I’m gonna touch your shoulder. Good…talk.

[A light tap as Candace awkwardly pats Xander on the shoulder.]

Xander:           S-still- still—

Skip:             It’s nice to be the- to- to let him know. A heads up.

Xander:           Still some bloodstains on your hands, it’s a little- makin’ me a little jumpy.

Candace:          [groans] It’s under my fingernails.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             You can't get that spot out? That damn spot?

Candace:          Spot. Oh, I can’t get the spot. [groans]

Sage:            Our trainers approach a sign that says “Route 19”.

Skip:             Hey, that's the Route.

Candace:          [slow gasp] Guys!

Skip:             Yeah?

[Candace squeals for a few seconds.]

Alright…

Xander:           Can we- what?

Skip:             None of us speak that language.

Xander:           Can- what's happening? Is she gonna—

Candace:          My Aunt Clair!

Skip:             What?

Xander:           Is…?

Candace:          My Aunt Clair's here! Remember?

Skip:             Really?

Xander:           Like, is she in the wind?

Candace:          That weird, crazy—

Xander:           Is she dead?

Candace:          [irked] No. [worried] I hope not. Oh god. [normal] Uh, no. Aunt Clair! When we were, you know, passing through we saw that coffee guy and he was like, oh- when we were going to Viridian City and she was out fishin’. There was Route 19!

Skip:             Oh, okay.

Candace:          That time.

Skip:             Well, we, uh, we talked to my bro. That was weird. Um…you, Xander, got to catch up with your dad.

[Beat.]

That was weird.

Candace:          But good!

Xander:           Oh, you’re setting- I see what you’re…

Skip:             Uh, let's go hang out with your aunt.

Xander:           Yeah. Yeah! That’s only fair.

Candace:          I hope I find her here.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 13 – Surf to Seafoam

[Water laps on a beach. People scream happily as they play.]

[Relaxing island music plays.]

Sage:            Our trainers arrive at a beach and they look in both directions, to the right and to the left. It stretches for miles, and it is beautiful.

Candace:          Whooa!

Sage:            There are lots of people actually out at the beach today playing with their Pokémon and surfing out into the water and soaking up the sun, so to speak.

Xander:           So which way is your aunt?

Skip:             Is it that lady over there on the rocks?

Candace:          No.

Skip:             Is it that lady over there on the building?

Candace:          Okay, you know what, Skip?

Xander:           [quiet] That’s a statue.

Candace:          It’s not gonna be every lady that's just like—

Skip:             It's all backlit. I can't tell. I don't even know what she looks like.

Candace:          It's been a long, long time… I’ll know her when I see her.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Please roll me Sense. The whole party.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

We have a net, a critical success, and a regular success. Our party searches along the beach, just looking both ways, across the water towards the Seafoam Islands that are very far in the distance, you can barely see them amongst the horizon. And we look up and see the silhouette of what you suspect is a Dragonite.

[Dangerous music builds; Indigo Plateau theme.]

Skip:             Guys…

Candace:          Uh…that totally looks like a Dragonite. And—

[Pokédex clicks open and beeps as it powers up.]

Pokédex:        Dragonite. Dragon Pokémon.

[Beat.]

Xander:           That's it?

Pokédex:        What else do you want from me?

Xander:           I- just—

Candace:          Why does this Pokédex give us sass all the time?

Xander:           It’s also not—

Pokédex:        It's not sass. It's just fact.

Candace:          Fake news.

[Pokédex clicks shut. Music intensifies.]

Uuuh…

Xander:           Is it comin’ right for us?

Sage:            It comes right for you!

Xander:           It’s comin’ right for us!

Sage:            Lands on the beach and sand bursts up in front of you.

[Everyone cries out in surprise.]

Candace:          Tubular, dude!

Xander:           I hate the beach. Ugh.

Candace:          Sand’s in my crack.

Xander:           Which crack?

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          God. T-M-I, man. I’m not gonna tell you.

Skip:             Dragonair, go!

[Skip throws a Poké Ball and Dragonair exits, trilling.]

Man:                Whoa, there. You should prob’ly stop that.

Skip:             The Dragonite talks?

Man:                No, it's me.

Sage:            And a man with red spiky hair and a cape jumps off the Dragonite.

[Feet land on sand. Metal guitar solos soar.]

Xander:           Is that the singer of AFI?

Skip:             Davey Havok?

Candace:          Is- is that the American Film Institute?

Man:                Wh-what’re you guys talking about?

Skip:             [scoffs] Clearly not the same thing.

Xander:           Sorry. I've got sand in my eyes.

Candace:          And I got sand in my crack.

Xander:           Which crack?

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            The sunset that's blocking your eyes gets covered by a very convenient cloud. And you recognize this as the legendary trainer, Lance.

[Indigo Plateau theme climaxes and fades out.]

Skip:             Lance!

Candace:          [awed; slow] Lance.

Xander:           [whispers] Who’s Lance?

Skip:             He's one of the greatest trainers ever. He's got a Dragonite!

Lance:            [humble chuckle] That's very nice of you to say.

Skip:             Hey, Lance! My name is Skip! I'm a trainer too. And this is my Dragonair!

[Beat.]

Lance:            That's cute.

Skip:             Thanks, man!

Xander:           [quiet] Wow...

Skip:             You're cute too.

Lance:            Uh, thanks, man.

Skip:             We're a team. We're the Dream Police!

Xander:           [quiet] Hello.

Candace:          Dream Police!

[Candace and Skip jump into action.]

Candace and Skip:     [together] Somersault! (Cartwheel!)

Xander:           Op. Jumping jack.

Candace:          Panting!

[Shoes scuff in the sand as the Dream Police stick the landing. Candace pants.]

[Dream Police chime!]

Lance:            You look familiar over there.

Candace:          Oh, uh, really? Well, I mean, my name is Candace Carter. I come from Pallet Town.

[Mysterious music begins.]

Lance:            Y-you’re Car- you're part of the Carter family?

Candace:          Yeah, um, yes I am.

Lance:            Candace Carter, I need to talk to you.

Candace:          O-okay.

Xander:           You’re- you're doing it.

Skip:             You're way too old for her, man.

Candace:          [scoffs] No, this is about serious business. Keep it professional! And keep it in your pants.

Xander:           Alright, we're gonna- we're gonna go take a walk. You guys can have your conversation.

Skip:             [distant] Dragonair, backflip!

[Sand rustles and Dragonair trills.]

Xander:           [quiet] Cool.

Lance:            Backflips will not evolve your Dragonair into a Dragonite. Just letting you know that.

Xander:           [distant] Okay, sounds great.

Lance:            Candace Carter.

Candace:          Yes?

Skip:             [distant] Dragonair, double backflip!

[Sand rustles.]

Xander:           [distant] Cool!

[Dragonair trills.]

Lance:            I'm related to you.

[Beat. 8-bit synths echo; Mysterious music picks up.]

Candace:          Uh…

[Stifled laughter.]

Lance:            We've never met, but I know your parents—only seen them a couple of times—but I'm especially close with your aunt Klara. Clair.

Candace:          You sound real close to my Aunt Clair. How do I not know you're trying to, like, kidnap me right now? Because I am a beautiful, talented, strong Pokémon trainer.

Lance:            [amused scoff] I'm aware. You're one of the Carters! It runs in our family.

Candace:          Our fa- oh yeah. You just said you were related to me. Um, what is that- what are you- okay, so how do you know my Aunt Clair?

Lance:            Well, we've trained together many times. She was a Gym Leader in Johto before she got transferred over here.

Candace:          Yeah, but how does that make you related to me?

Lance:            I'm her cousin. So that makes me you're…

Candace:          Uh….

Candace and Lance:     Second cousin?

Lance:            You can call me Uncle Lance if you want! [chuckles]

Candace:          Alright, Uncle Lance! Uncle…Lancey?

Lance:            No, just- just Lance is fine.

Candace:          Alright, Uncle- can I just call you Lance?

Lance:            Yeah. [sad] Yeah. [normal] It would be cool to be an uncle someday, though.

Sage:            Lance looks out into the sunset.

Candace:          Okay, I’ll call you Uncle Lance.

Lance:            [gasps; excited] You will?

Candace:          Yeah, Uncle Lance! That means you're also my dad's cousin.

Lance:            Yeah, I think that adds up!

Candace:          So even though you're my second cousin, it sort of feels like you're more my uncle.

Lance:            Look, we can talk about family trees all day long. I—

Skip:             [distant] Triple backflip!

[Dragonair trills and sand rustles.]

Lance:            I- I have to deliver a message for you.

Candace:          What is it?

Lance:            I was sent here by your aunt to let you know something.

Candace:          What?

Lance:            She was originally here on Route 19.

Candace:          Yeah, I heard—

Lance:            She was fishing. As she put on her Gym door.

Candace:          Yeah, I’m—

Lance:            But that's not really what she was doing, Candace.

Candace:          [quiet] Really? What was she doing?

Lance:            There's something…afoot.

Candace:          Like footprints on the beach?

Lance:            More than that.

Candace:          Like Dragonite marks on the beach?

[Dragonite growls softly.]

Lance:            No, not that either, Dragonite.

[Dragonite huffs.]

Candace:          [whispers] What- what's afoot?

Lance:            Well, we've suspected that it could have something to do with Team Rocket.

Candace:          [scared; squeals] Oiiijica!

Lance:            But we haven't actually met any Team Rocket Grunts. We've just found dead Magikarps and shirts with the red R on them.

Candace:          I have been seeing stuff with red Rs on them too. They're back.

Lance:            They're back? You think so?

Candace:          That's my inkling suspicion.

Lance:            Do you think they're responsible for the landslide on Victory Road?

[Beat.]

Candace:          Yeah?

[Sage and Jessica stifle laughter.]

Lance:            Do you know what a landslide is?

Candace:          Is that a song by a band?

[Laughter.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Roll for smarts.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Travis hums a song.]

You don’t—

Noah:          You don't know what a landslide is. [laughs]

[Greg laughs.]

Candace:          So, I don’t know what a landslide is.

[Stifled laughter.]

Can you tell me?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Lance:            Oh, Candace Carter.

[Laughter.]

[Lavender Town theme plays quietly on horns.]

We don't have time to go over what a- what natural disasters are. You should know that as a Pokémon trainer. That directly relates to Rock and Ground moves.

Candace:          Well, you gotta tell me then!

Lance:            [sighs] Look. Have you seen anything strange on your journey? Certainly you've been traveling for quite some time now, right? So maybe there's been something you've seen that could help—

Candace:          Well, yeah, I mean, we went to Lavender Town and there was like a cult. And, uh, we went to Saffron City and there were all these people around. And we went to go fight, uh, the Gym Leader and- and it was really weird. Like, it was like I had a dream. And then when we woke up and nobody was around. Like, nobody.

Lance:            Oh, this is not good. Oh no. Candace! I flew over those two towns exactly. Lavender Town and Saffron City. It was almost as if…they were gone. Isn't that right, Dragonite?

[Dragonite growls quietly.]

Yeah. And it's only gonna get worse. I wonder…

[Feet scuff in the sand as Lance turns away.]

[quiet] Could it be…the Champions?

Candace:          Uncle- Uncle Lance, what’re- what’re you talking about? Are- are we gonna be okay?

Lance:            It looks like all of Kanto is in danger right now. Something's going on on Victory Road and I need to find out. And that's where I last saw Klara. But she—

Candace:          Clair.

[Music fades out.]

Lance:            I'm sorry.

Candace:          Oh my god. You’re her cousin!

Lance:            This is why you shouldn't name characters similarly! It doesn't work.

Candace:          [quiet] What?

Lance:            Because people get confused. I mean, imagine if you had three characters with similar names. Like Mike and Mikey.

Candace:          Klara is the girl I go to school with.

Lance:            That'd be weird. Everyone’d get confused all the time.

Skip:             [distant] Dragonair, do a 540.

[Dragonair trills and flips.]

Xander:           [distant] No way! Siiick!

Lance:            Candace! I hate to inform you that your aunt might have been trapped in the landslide.

[Music picks back up; mysterious and emotional.]

Candace:          What? ...Did you see her reflection?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Lance:            It's very possible. So I just wanted to warn you. She…told me that she knew about your training, and that your parents contacted her and were very upset. That she argued with them—argued with a lawyer—and told your mother that they were wron—

Candace:          Shove it up her ass?

Lance:            [stifles laughter] Probably like that. But probably more G-rated?

Candace:          Shove it up her hoo ha.

Lance:            That's pretty PG. It’s, uh, might even be borderline PG-13.

Candace:          Put a sock in it. Put a sock in it!

Lance:            That's good. That's good. That one works! Now, Candace, I don't want you to give up on your dream of defeating the Elite Four, but just be warned that you might not be able to get there.

Candace:          Because of the landslide?

Lance:            Because of that, because of this mysterious force that is reckoning all of Kanto…and because your aunt Clair is doing everything in her power to stop it.

[Music fades out.]

Candace:          I must help her.

Lance:            Well, do you know Fly?

Candace:          Uh. No.

Lance:            Okay. Sorry, then. I'll catch you later.

[Lance walks away and jumps onto Dragonite’s back. Candace groans in protest.]

[Music comes back in.]

Sage:            And Lance flies off with his Dragonite.

[Wings flap and Dragonite growls.]

Candace:          [shouts] Well, teach me Fly!

[Music fades out.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Radio switches on.]

Xander:         Uh, hi. Um, okay. I- I have some people. Uh, alright, we- we wanna thank

FictionalLizard.

Uh, Adam A.

and Ashley. Ashley N. Oh wow, hi! That’s great! Cool, uh…

Candace:           [distant] Xander, who the fuck are you talking to?

Xander:         [shouts] I'm talking to my new friends, leave me alone!

[Radio switches channels.]

[Rival music.]

Blue:           Yo, losers. This is Blue, the[mumbles] ex[normal] Pokémon Champion o’ the Indigo League. I want you to give money to 20 Sided Stories. I know you have some.

It's just $1 or $3. Why don't you give us some? You can find it rollin’ around your couch. It's just one or three per series. Just do it loser. Come on, give me your lunch money. Give it to us!

patreon.com/20sidedstories.

Just $1. Just one little dollar buys you your milk at lunch. Gets you thanked on the show. That'll last you forever. How long is that milk gonna last you? ’Til the end of the lunch period. Loser!

$3 gets you an Adventure Pass! It gets you more stuff from the show. I don't understand what it is. You should get it! $3 gets you, like, a little…uh…Smuckers Crustable sandwiches at lunch line. Come on kid, just give it to us.

Also, it'll help us fundraise for transcripts.

[Music cuts off.]

Which are useful for people who like to enjoy what we make but are hard of hearing and have trouble understanding audio-based things. It's important for them. So do it, loser!

[Rival music resumes.]

Come on! patreon.com/20sidedstories

Smell you later, idiot. [laughs mockingly]

[Radio switches off.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Seel!

 [Seel cry.]

Surf to Seafoam – Part II

[Water laps on the beach. Suspenseful music.]

Candace:          Ah, fudge.

[Water splashes loudly.]

Skip:             [distant] Dragonair, get outta there! The Magikarp is evolving!

[Screams from beach-goers. Gyrados roars. Xander and Skip run back to Candace. Xander groans in exertion.]

[Music ends.]

Skip:             Ah, man.

Xander:           I told you you shouldn't’ve tried for a 1080.

[Draongair trills.]

Sage:            Meanwhile…

[Evolution blast!]

Xander:           Ooooo! What’s that!

Sage:            Muddy Waters emerges from the water as a Swampert!

[Squelching and water splashing. The Swampert growls goofily.]

Muddy Waters:         Brooh…[cough]

[Stifled laughter.]

Xander:           Hey- hey, buddy!

Muddy Waters:         [happy] Braooh!

Xander:           Oh my god! Guys, he evolved.

Candace:          Wow.

Xander:           He- wha- he big.

Candace:          You’re not as cute anymore.

Skip:             Wow, he got real big.

[Muddy Waters burps.]

Candace:          [groans] That smelled like seaweed an’ fish eggs.

Xander:           [groans] He’s been eatin’ the ocean. [nervous chuckle] Cool!

Skip:             Xander. You are going to mess so many trainers up with that!

[Beat.]

Xander:           [quiet] Yeah.

[Music resumes.]

Sage:            And then a bird swoops down and hits him in the head.

Candace:          Whoa!

[Bonk!]

Xander:           OW!

Sage:            A big-ass bird with golden locks.

Candace:          Catch that baby, Xander!

Xander:           What?

Candace:          It’s yours, it chose you, you gotta catch it!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            [amused] Uh, Xander, roll me Smarts.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Hidden Power is Confidence?

Travis:          Yeah.

Sage:            He feels in his heart…

Xander:           No. This is…Ramona! Land on my arm!

[Travis stifles laughter. Everyone laughs.]

[Ramona the Pidgeot cries out.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for defense.

Candace:          She’s huge!

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            Success! [amused] It is a very, very heavy fucking bird.

Xander:           [groans] My rotator cuff!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Ramona:         [happily] Cooh!

Sage:            But Xander loves this bird deep down.

Xander:           [groans with exertion] Ramona, I love you!

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Ramona:         Pidgeyoooh!

[Stretching is heard as Xander’s arm strains.]

Xander:           [groans] Okay, get off.

[Wings flap as Pidgeot flies away.]

Candace:          Both of your Pokémon just evolved like crazy monsters!

Xander:           I- this is awesome! [stammers] He's like a tank. This is like a f- a plane.

Candace:          We could f- [gasps] Wait,[shouts] Lance! Lance!

Xander:           Oh, he's- he's super gone.

Candace:          [quiet] Yeah, well, now we could fly.

Xander:           Did he tell us where your aunt is?

Skip:             If only Dragonair was a Dragonite, then I could fly and catch him.

Candace:          Yeah, he’s—

Xander:           How does that happen? How does this work? When do they evolve? How does this happen?

Candace:          They just do it when they're ready. You ever- you ever—

Xander:           What does that even- do you have to ask them?

Candace:          No, it’s like—

Skip:             Or you can use a Stone or Candy. Whatever.

Candace:          Yeah, it’s true. You have two Candies left, man.

Xander:           Well, they just evolved, though so I didn’t need—

Candace:          Yeah, so you’re good. You can save those.

Xander:           Well, I don’t need ’em anymore. Do you want ’em?

Skip:             Yeah! I'll take one!

[Backpack zips open and items rustle around.]

Xander:           Here, have ’em both.

Candace:          Feed it to your Dragonair.

Xander:           This is- as far as I know, this is as good as it gets.

Skip:             Dragonair.

[Rare Candy wrapper crinkles.]

Here, try one of these.

[Dragonair trills and smacks as it eats the Candy.]

[coos] Oh, you're tickling my hand.

Xander:           [chuckles] ’S cute. ’S cute.

[Light-suspense music.]

What's happening?

Candace:          Uh, guys.

Sage:            The Dragonair, after slurping the Rare Candy out from Skip's hand, looks up into the sky at the very, very, very, very, very tiny silhouette of Dragonite and Lance flying away. And then looks back at Skip.

Skip:             What is it, girl?

Sage:            A burst of light floods the beach!

Xander:           [groans] Oh, that’s bright.

[An evolution chime is heard. Skip starts humming “The Little Mermaid”. Everyone else joins comically. Heavenly sounds grow.]

Candace:          It’s a whole—

Skip:             You got legs!

[Greg laughs.]

Xander:           I think Dragonair’s evolving!

Candace:          Dragonair gets to be a part of the other Dragonite’s world!

[A final sound blasts loudly and a tranquil shimmer rings out.]

Xander:           What the… It’s just so big! Oh, man, it’s go-

Skip:             D-Dragonair?

[Dragonite starts to trill, then changes to a comical, low growl.]

Dragonite:         Baaaaghhhh!

[Stifled laughter.]

Xander:           Oh, that’s…

Skip:             Wow.

Dragonite:         Rraaaaghhhh.

Xander:           That’s different.That is…

Skip:             Dragonite.

Dragonite:         Raaaaagh.

Xander:           That is cartoonish.

Skip:             Dragonite, I love you!

Dragonite:         BRRRAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHGAHAGHA!

[Skip runs forward and they hug.]

Sage:            And they embrace.

Skip:             Dragonite, let's fly!

[Dragonite growls in confusion.]

Sage:            It looks at you very confused and doesn't know what to do.

Dragonite:         [irked] Braah! Braah! Braah! Braah!

Xander:           I don’t think it’s happy. I don't think it's very happy.

Skip:             Alright, I'm sorry girl.

[Skip pets her head. Dragonite stops growling.]

I'm sorry, girl. [coos] Here you go. Here you go. Here’s a treat. A little treat from my backpack.

[Wrapper crinkles. Dragonite trills cutely.]

Aw, Dragonite. You're my best friend!

Dragonite:         [goofy laugh] Bwraahahahaa!

[Beat.]

Xander:           Well, this is a lot of fun!

Skip:             This is the best beach day!

Candace:          All of you’re guys’—

Xander:           This has been the best day. I hate the beach.

Candace:          This beach is magic!

Xander:           This is a great day.

Candace:          I still got sand in my crack!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           Which crack?

[Candace punches Xander.]

Candace:          Shut up, Xander!

Skip:             Hey, you met a family member you didn't know you had!

Xander:           This is amazing.

Candace:          God, you guys, this is like the beach of—

Skip:             What happened with that?

Candace:          [worried] Oh, yeah. Aunt Clair might be dead in a landslide.

Xander:           A slide—

Skip:             A landslide? Like when a bunch of the earth overtakes a spot where it wasn't once?

Xander:           Yeah, like when there's an earthquake or something and then there's a bunch of…

Candace:          Yeah!

Xander:           W-when the land literally slides.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Candace:          That's what it is! And that's what I told my Uncle.

Skip:             Why do you sound like you don't know what that is?

Candace:          What are you talking about? I totally know what that is. It's when…the land slides down.

Skip:             So your—

Candace:          The earth moves.

Xander:           Yeah.

Skip:             Is your Aunt Clair okay?

Candace:          I don't know, that's the thing. We have to find her.

Xander:           He didn't tell you where she is?

Skip:             Where's the landslide?

Candace:          Victory Road!

Skip:             Which way is that?

Candace:          Uh, west. But, like, we don't even have the Marsh Badge, so I don't even think they're gonna let us through if we don't have all the badges!

Skip:             Do we gotta cross water to get there?

Candace:          We do.

Xander:           [quiet] I don’t know how to swim.

Skip:             Well, you know who does know how to swim?

Xander:           Hmm?

[Surf guitar music slides in; Surf Theme.]

Sage:            We cut to all of our trainers Surfing on Dragonite across Route 19 in the fresh, open ocean air.

Candace:          I’m queen of Kantoooo!

Xander:           [distressed] There's no place to grab!

Skip:             Radical!

Sage:            And then coming towards them is some kind of Pokémon? Wait, no, there's people. And then all the fun just sinks out from under you. Deep, deep down in the ocean because two little shits are coming right your way.

[Water splashes as the Rivals approach; Surf Theme becomes the Rival Theme.]

Blue and Rival Zach:  [together] What’s up, nerds?

Skip:             Go away.

Blue and Rival Zach:  [together] No! (You s-) You go away!

Skip:             You guys can't even talk at the same time. Leave us alone.

Blue and Rival Zach:  [together] Oh ye- (Sure we can!)

[Sage and Noah break and chuckle. Everyone laughs.]

Skip:             What do you want from us?

Rival Zach:       My Uncle Blue is teaching me how to be the best Pokémon trainer in the whole world!

Blue:          You have mentioned this several times.

Rival Zach:       [Sage stifles laughter] ’Cause aren’t you doing that?

Skip:             You need a moderator? Is that what you guys need?

Rival Zach:       What?

Skip:             Is that why you guys keep following us? ’Cause you need somebody to moderate your—

Rival Zach:       We're not following you. You're following us. How many badges do you have? Did you even get a badge from Blaine?

Xander:           Who’s Blaine?

Candace:          Yeah, we did, you stupid mother-fudgers.

Xander:           Oh.

Rival Zach:       Oh yeah? Blaine? Ex—

Candace:          Yeah, Blaine’s the ninja dude.

Rival Zach:       Wrong. That's Koga. Blue!

Candace:          [quiet] Oh.

Rival Zach:       Uncle Blue! She doesn't even know anything.

Xander:           [quiet] Shit, now we look dumb.

Blue:          She doesn’t even know.

Rival Zach:       [fast] Be hella condescending, like you do with me when I'm losing in battle and make her feel stupid. And so she, like, learns…

Blue:          [high-pitched; slow] Ha… Ha!

Xander:           Hey, Russian nesting douches.

Blue:          I'll give you credit. That was pretty clever. However, allow me to retort.

Xander:           I'm not even done yet!

Blue:          I don't care—

[Xander groans.]

—if you're done. We're done. We're gone. Y'all are slow. And we will smell…

Blue and Rival Zach:  [together; slowly] you laterrr!

[Water splashes. A beast growls as it swims past. Rival music fades out.]

Xander:           What was that they were righting on?

Candace:          That was a Gyrados.

Xander:           …Fuck.

Skip:             And it's fun again!

[Beat. Water splashes.]

Whoa, we're doing waves and stuff, guys! [chuckles]

Xander:           Look, man.

Candace:          They really cramped the party.

Xander:           Yeah.

Skip:             [quiet] Alright.

Xander:           This- this is- this is cool, though. I- I hate- I hate everything about this, but this is neat.

Skip:             You just gotta not…you can't let them bother you, guys.

Xander:           Well, I'm just…[mumbles] I can’t swim.

Skip:             They're- they’re full of hollow victories.

Xander:           [mumbles] I can't swim.

Skip:             Wait. You can't swim?

Xander:           [mumbles] I can’t swim.

Skip:             [stifles nervous laugh] Oh my god, why didn't you tell us before we went out onto the water?

Xander:           I said that on the beach.

Candace:          He totally said it, but I just ignored him.

Skip:             Oh. I'm really loud sometimes. I don’t hear other people.

Xander:           [nervous chuckle] It's okay. It’s okay, we're all working on it.

Skip:             I'm sorry, dude.

Candace:          Well, just hold on tight, man.

Xander:           I'm holding on tight. [nervous chuckle]

Candace:          Don’t worry, you'll be fine.

Skip:             Hey, Dragonite, how you doin’?

[Dragonite lifts her head from the water.]

Dragonite:         [happily] Braaaoh!

Skip:             Yeah, buddy!

[Mysterious music fades in.]

Sage:            Our trainers enjoy their surf across the water for the majority of the day. Sun goes down and it's now nighttime and they're enjoying a night surf. Getting pretty tired and ready to rest at the next possible stop. But it's been a while since they've seen any land. There's just rocks on the side that kind of trap them in and make them go in one direction.

[Wind whistles past.]

Skip:             Good thing we've got Kadabra as a headlight.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Candace:          Debbie, light.

[Abra KaDebra cries out and uses Flash.]

Sage:            You guys are able to safely land at a shore.

Xander:           [sighs] Thank god, land.

[Footsteps squish on sand.]

Sage:            There's a sign that's faded, and Xander wipes it away. And it says…

Xander:           [mumbles] Welcome to Seafoam…[shouts] “Welcome to Seafoam Island”. The sign says.

Candace:          [quiet] Whoa.

Sage:            And then Candace looks over and sees the entrance to a cave.

Candace:          Oh my gosh, guys. Look, it’s a cave!

Skip:             [quiet] Whoa.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, man a whole ’nother cave.

Candace:          We gotta go in.

Xander:           It's cold.

[Candace and Skip head inside.]

Okay, we're going in.

[Xander runs to catch up. The cave echoes and reverberates. Water drips in the background.]

Skip:             Hello?

Candace:          [awed] Whoa look at all the crystals.

Skip:             I wonder what this one tastes like.

Candace:          Oh, it’s so dark in here. Uh—

Xander:           Don't lick that.

[Skip grunts as Xander pulls him back.]

Candace:          Debbie, Flash!

[Abra KaDebra cries out and uses Flash.]

[Tranquil music plays.]

Sage:            And it illuminates one of the most beautiful sights our trainers have ever seen. A completely frozen ice cave that goes on for who knows how long with huge bodies of water and natural underground rivers. The ice-walls shimmer like crystals and you hear the faint singing of what sounds like some sort of songbird echoing in the distance.

[Pokédex clicks open.]

Skip:             Pokédot! What do you got on that- that bird sound?

Pokédex:        [beep] Not enough data.

[Music stops. Beat.]

Xander:           This thing sucks.

[Tranquil cave music resumes.]

Sage:            But our trainers continue through the cave at Seafoam Islands and climb all sorts of ledges and ladders, and Surf through these little rivers in the water, and push these boulders out of the way. It's a very tough adventure. But despite the lonesome nature of the cave, our trainers feel closer to each other than ever before.

Skip:             Xander.

Xander:           Yeah?

Skip:             Man, this is so cool.

[Xander chuckles.]

Right, Candace?

Candace:          Yeah, it- it's pretty cool.

Skip:             I mean, not just the cave. Everything.

Xander:           Huh?

Skip:             You know. Like, your Pokémon are evolving, and… I got a Dragonite!

Xander:           [chuckles] Yeah.

Candace:          Gah! Oh my god, I know! Good job, dude. It's- it's awesome. Like, you're awesome. Yeah! You're awesome, Skip!

Xander:           Something that we all haven't acknowledged is that, throughout all of this and everything we've been through, you've been the only one that hasn't had a massive emotional breakdown.

Skip:             Uh…thanks, guys. This is… This is the best time of my life. W-we're- we've got badges and…and adventures and each other.

Candace:          [softly] Yeah.

Skip:             Right?

Xander:           Yeah. You're not… I gotta say, this is kinda cool.

Skip:             Yeah.

Candace:          Yeah, this has probably been, so far, my favorite accomplishment I’ve ever had.

Xander:           [quiet] This is the only accomplishment I've ever had.

Candace:          We did it together.

Skip:             As a team. With love.

Xander:           Skip.

[Candace chuckles.]

Skip:             I mean- wh- you know friends.

Xander:           No. I- I think you're onto something. I- [mumbles] I don’t know.

Sage:            Eventually our trainers come across a nice little clearing. Perfect and flat for them to set up camp. And even more so, there's actually what seems to be a hot spring right by this little clearing keeping the whole ground perfect and warm. It's like a… It’s like a spa.

So our trainers take out all their Pokémon—Dragonite, Muddy, Pixie, Debbie, Fiddler, and Ramona—and then unpack and get comfy and cozy, and lay on their backs, and look up at the ceiling of the cave, which towers tremendously far above them.

[Soothing, echoing music; New Game melody.]

Candace:          Wow.

Skip:             Look at that stalac…tite.

Xander:           Well, wait. Is that the top or the bottom one?

Skip:             No, yeah, it’s the top one. Stalactite has to hold on tight.

Xander:           S-stalagmite…

Skip:             Might reach the ceiling.

Xander:           Might reach the- oh. What d’you call it when they—

Skip:             Whatever it is, it’s awesome.

Xander:           What d’you call when they meet in the middle?

Skip:             Uh…stalagkiss.

Candace:          [languor] Oh my gosh, guys. I've never felt so Zen in my life.

Xander:           This is actually pretty nice.

Skip:             Can I hold someone's hand?

Candace:          Here.

[She reaches over.]

Skip:             Thanks, Candace.

[Beat.]

Xander:           Oh, I feel weird if I’m the only one not holding hands.

Skip:             Okay, here.

[Skip and Candace reach out to Xander.]

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          Here.

Skip:             Let’s just all hold hands.

[Beat.]

Candace:          [sleepy] I think I- I could fall asleep right now…

Xander:           [whispers] I think I’m gonna…

[Long, relaxing beat as the music fades out.]

Credits

[Drum beat comes in. Tranquil music resumes.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by Noah Sturtridge and Sage G.C.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Original Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Music fades out.]

#14 - Blaine & Giovanni

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 14 - Blaine & Giovanni!

Air Date: April 9, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Tranquil, still music.]

Narrator:         Last we left them, the Dream Police peacefully dreamt the night away with a long, warm, and cozy sleep in the Seafoam Islands. Though their journey is coming to an end, there is still much to do, finish, and learn. Deep down, they know this is their final rest before the home stretch past Pallet Town and through Victory Road.

Skip slowly opens his eyes to see two more eyes. Hidden behind wide spectacles and a white, poofy mustache.

[Music stops.]

Man:                [fancy accent] Hello, little boy.

[Skip scampers back. Devious chiptune music starts.]

Skip:             AHH!

Xander:           AH!

Candace:          Oh, god shut up!

Skip:             Guys, stranger danger!

[Xander groans.]

Candace:          Oh, ew!

Man:                These caves are dangerous if you don't know what you're doing, where you're going, or what you're up to.

Xander:           [groans] Oh, this guy’s so old.

Candace:          Ugh, that's code word for, like, he's gonna do somethin’ real gross.

Xander:           Uh, he looks…like a science guy.

Skip:             Excuse me, sir.

Man:                Yes?

Skip:             Uh… Hi. My name is Skip of the Dream Police.

Man:                The Dream Police?

Skip:             You've heard of us?

Man:                I have heard of you. I'm gettin’ my Courier News from my Pidgey that goes into town every once in a while. The mainland. I heard of the Viridian Forest getting burned down.

Candace:          That wasn't us.

Man:                A Game Corner getting a horrible gas leak.

Candace:          That wasn't us.

Xander:           No.

Man:                Uh, I believe that whole Gym in Fuchsia City exploded.

Candace:          That was us because we're epic.

Man:                Not to mention numerous head-smashings and bleedings.

Candace:          Definitely not me.

Xander:           Fake news.

Candace:          Fake news!

Skip:             So we're good for one of those. The other one was probably Zach and Blue.

Candace:          Yeah, those shitheads.

Xander:           Or Team Rocket. Team…

Candace:          You know the ones that smell like shit?

Man:                Well, I was going to say—

Xander:           ...Rocket.

Man:                —if you burned down the entire Viridian Forest,[amused] I'd be half as smart as to give you my own Badge that I have from my own Gym.

Candace:          [trying to not confess] Oh! Well- I- ummmm. I- you have—

Xander:           Woah, what does that mean? Wait, hold on. Does that- [quiet] does that mean he's gonna give us or not? Just half as—

Skip:             Yeah, wait, wait. Team huddle. Team huddle.

[Everyone shuffles close.]

Man:                Oh, okay.

Skip:             Guys, hey—

Xander:           Half as smart-

[The Dream Police look over at the Man.]

No, not- not- [nervous chuckle]

Skip:             No. You’re not on the team.

Man:                What’s going on?

Candace:          Are you part of the Dream Police? No. Get away.

[The Man shuffles away.]

Xander:           Well, o—

Skip:             Dream Police.

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          Dream Police!

Skip:             Team huddle.

Xander:           M’kay.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 14 – Blaine & Giovanni

[Awkward misadventure music.]

Skip:             Hey, guys—

Xander:           He said “half as smart as to give you my own badge”. Is this a riddle?

Skip:             Yeah, does this mean there’s a Gym Badge in here?

Candace:          That means double the- double the smarts means double the Badge?

Skip:             No. No, you’re do- you’re doing too much math right now. I think it's just—

Xander:           It’s a riddle, right? It's a riddle.

Candace:          Multiply that and carry the four?

Skip:             No, I think he's just got a Gym in here.

Candace:          Uh…

Xander:           Does math hurt you?

Candace:          Let me ask.

[Clothes rustle.]

Excuse me. Did you just say that if we—

Man:                Oh, am I involved in this now?

Candace:          Uh, yeah.

Man:                Okay.

Candace:          Break of the Dream Police huddle.

Skip:             Break!

Candace:          Uh, Mr. Old Man Mustache.

Blaine:         My name is Blaine.

[Light-hearted music; Pokemon Main Theme melody.]

Candace:          Oh, Blaine! Okay, you’re Blaine…so, uh—

Blaine:         Easy there, lady.

Candace:          I- I got confused the other day. I thought I met you, but I didn't. But, now- it—

[Stifled laughter.]

Blaine:         I would’ve remembered if I met someone—

Candace:          It is- it—

Xander:           We just woke up.

Candace:          [mimics Blaine] It is a pleasure to meet you, Blaine.

Blaine:         Oh, very nice to meet you too, madam.

Candace:          I hope you know that—

Blaine:         Let me shake you- your- let me- [McEuen stifles laughter] let me shake—

Xander:           Hey, put her down!

[Stifled laughter.]

[Clothes rustle.]

Put her down!

Blaine:         Let- let me—

[Candace groans as she’s shaken around.]

Xander:           I don’t know where you’re from, mister, but this isn’t… Oh man, he’s really shakin’ up a storm!

Sage:            [amused] This is how he does it out here in Seafoam Island.

Skip:             We need to be respectful of different cultures.

Xander:           You’re gonna get Shaken Candace Syndrome.

[Candace pushes Blaine and backs away.]

Candace:          Okay, okay, um, what—

Blaine:         You have to understand, I've gotten kind of, you know, uh, island crazy over the years.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Is that like stir crazy but—

Skip:             Hey bud, um—

Blaine:         Yes?

Skip:             I mean Blaine.

Candace:          I have a question.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Candace:          Why don’t you go Skip?

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Skip:             You want me to leave?

Xander:           [quiet] No…

Skip:             No. Okay—

[Xander groans. Light-hearted music picks up.]

Hey, do you have- you said something about a Badge? Is this a Gym?

Blaine:         Well, here's the thing. I had a gym on Cinnabar Island, but that whole thing's gone kaputs ever since it exploded.

Skip:             [slow] Oh yeah.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh god, that's right.

Skip:             I was in my math class when I found out about that.

Candace:          Yeah, I was in the library studying for, like, some exam my parents were on me about.

Xander:           Were- were you here for that?

Blaine:         Well, that's the funny thing. You see, I was experimenting digging deeper into the volcano, trying to expand my Gym, and wouldn't you know it, I went and did some crazy- something I regret. Both in my Gym and the Pokémon mentioned, boom. All- all you got left is a- is smoldering ash and volcanic glass.

Xander:           Was anyone else on the island?

Blaine:         Oh, a few hundred.

[McEuen stifles laughter.]

All dead.

Xander:           Oh!

Blaine:         Smoldering ashes. They look like they're praying now because of how- when bodies burn they kind of wither…[mumbles] and uh…

Skip:             Are you hiding here?

Blaine:         Hiding here? No, dear boy. This is where I- I have a freelance Gym. I'm still registered into the Pokémon registry as a Pokémon Gym Leader, I mean…

Xander:           [whispers] Are there no repercussions for murder here? I'm so confused. It seems like nobody gives a shit who lives or dies.

Candace:          Are you saying you want to murder somebody right now, Xander?

Xander:           No, I’m not. No! I'm just—

Blaine:         Easy, boy. Let me pull out my Japanese six-shooter.

[Backpack zips open. Gun cocks.]

Xander:           AH! Not guns!

Candace:          Um…

Xander:           Okay!

Blaine:         I-it’s alright.

Xander:           [burps] I burp when I’m nervous. [burps]

Blaine:         I’m not going to shoot you. I just like to have it out so people know who's in charge around here.

[Xander burps.]

Skip:             What kinda Gym do you run?

Blaine:         A Pokémon Gym.

Skip:             What kind of Pokémon Gym do you run?

Blaine:         Fire.

[Xander burps.]

Skip:             Oooh.

Candace:          Oooh.

Blaine:         Oooh.

[Xander burps.]

Skip:             Right here out of this ice cave?

Blaine:         Exactly. Wouldn't you know it? You'd think it'd be an Ice Gym but no. [laughs]

Skip:             I think it's a cool idea.

[Beat.]

Blaine:         What?

Xander:           [burps] Okay, it's…

[Laughter.]

Blaine:         Are you nervous, boy?

Candace:          Alright.

Xander:           I’m okay now.

Candace:          You gave some shitheads the Badges, so we're gonna get a Badge from you too.

Blaine:         Easy there, lady. You seem a little hot-headed right now.

Candace:          [mimics Blaine] Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

Xander:           There were two guys that were really loud, that we saw on our way here.

Candace:          Yeah, why did you give ’em a Badge?

Blaine:         Oh, they answered my question.

[Candace gasps.]

Xander:           What? So it was a riddle. It's a riddle!

Blaine:         If you get any of the questions wrong, though, you have to battle me.

Candace:          Oh.

Blaine:         And then you have to earn your Gym Badge, the hard way.

Skip:             We're good for that too, baby.

Candace:          Yeah. Alright. Shoot us a question.

Blaine:         Shoot you each a question, alright?

Candace:          Each a question? So we get assigned one?

Blaine:         What?

Candace:          Is that the first riddle?

Blaine:         No.

[Candace groans.]

You have to accept the challenge first.

Candace:          I accept.

Blaine:         Okay.

Skip:             I accept.

Blaine:         Okay.

[Beat.]

Candace:          Xander.

[Beat. Xander burps.]

Blaine:         I'll take that as a yes.

[Battle music begins!]

Sage:            And we cut to Blaine's Gym. An elevated arena over boiling-hot bodies of magma and lava and the walls of the Gym extend all the way up to the ceiling of the cave, where you see more frozen stalactites and icicles hanging down above a very hot floor. It's a contrast between fire and ice.

Blaine:         First question! You.

Skip:             Hi, I'm Skip.

Blaine:         Hello, Skip. I'm Blaine.

[Question chime.]

What does Pidgey evolve into?

Skip:             Hmm…now, Xander used to have a Pidgey. Now he has a Pidgeot. It does evolve into a Pidgeot, but there's something that happens in between. A Pidgeotto!

[Correct answer chime.]

Blaine:         Correct! Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. [chuckles] One down, two to go.

[Shoes scuff as Blaine turns.]

You, boy.

Xander:           Yeah?

Blaine:         Are you ready for your question?

Xander:           [burps] I think so.

Candace:          He's really nervous.

[Question chime.]

Blaine:         Brock Harrison is the Pewter City Gym Leader. True or false?

[Beat. Music stops.]

Xander:           [quiet] Is this a trick question?

Skip:             Hey, man, I believe in you. You got this!

Xander:           No, seriously. Is that the question?

Candace:          That was what he said.

Blaine:         I’m just gonna load my gun.

[Gun clicks.]

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Answer him.

Xander:           True! True! It's true!

Blaine:         Adda bing!

[Gun fires twice.]

Pew, pew!

Candace:          OW! The bullets are bouncing everywhere.

Blaine:         Yes, yes. Correct.

Xander:           [quiet] That was a really easy question.

Blaine:         Alright, trick question. I mean…

Candace:          What?

Blaine:         Number three!

Candace:          Bring it on baby!

Blaine:         Okay.

[Question chime.]

Who… Who is that fella standing in the shadows over there?

[A man grumbles and steps forward. Suspenseful music; a familiar pulse.]

Sage:            He is wearing a very, very, very, very old dusty tuxedo with a red boutonniere in the pocket.

Drunk Man:       But it is wilted.

Sage:            But it is wilted. It is almost dead- It's- it’s dead. It's pretty much dead. He smells like alcohol. Most of his hair has gone away but you still see some little gray and dark-blackish kinda behind his ears. He's tall. He has wide shoulders and a very, very stern chin. And he stumbles right towards you guys.

[Drunk Man trembles quietly.]

Skip:             Whoa, easy, buddy.

Drunk Man:       Wh-what’s goin’ on?

Candace:          What? I don’t- I don’t know if I’ve seen this man before.

Blaine:         I'm going to finish loading my gun. Now, you have 10 seconds to answer truthfully and honestly.

Candace:          Who this person is?

[Gun clicks. Music intensifies.]

Blaine:         Yes.

Drunk Man:       Are these…Pokémon trainers?

Blaine:         Yeah.

Drunk Man:       Ooo, delicious!

[Blaine chuckles.]

And I’m sure they have…maybe some valuable Pokémon on them?

Blaine:         Easy, there. Easy.

Skip:             Hey, back up dude! We're a team!

Drunk Man:       Oh, a team of Pokémon trainers. Oh, and I bet they've got…Poké Balls full of wonderful lovely rare types Pokémon!

Candace:          Uh… Is it the- the old leader of Team Rocket?

[Dramatic shift in music!]

Sage:            Just like in the anime we see little slashes go across the eyes of all of our characters as they all epiphanize in unison.

Skip:             OhhOH!

Candace:          Oohhh!

Xander:           Ahaaa!

Blaine:         Oooohh!

Sage:            He opens up his old tuxedo to reveal a red R that's kind of orange now.

Giovanni:             That’s right, children. It is I, Giovanni!

Candace:          [shouts] Oh my god, I knew it!

[Devious music fades out.]

Giovanni:             Oh wait. You were supposed to answer that question in order to…

Candace:          Well, I did!

Giovanni:             Yeah, you—

Candace:          You’re the old leader of Team Rocket, Giovanni!

Giovanni:             Yeah, but, uh—

Blaine:         You see, this is why we keep getting into battles, Giovanni. It’s because you keep on giving them the answers.

Giovanni:             Well, god dang it, Blaine! I’m just tryin’ to get some rare Pokémon into my hands like old times sake!

Candace:          What’re you, like, 109?

Giovanni:             That’s enough outta you, missy!

Blaine:         That’s closer to my age actually.

Candace:          What are you, like, 209?

Giovanni:             That’s enough outta you, missy!

Skip:             Are you guys working together?

Blaine:         I'm Blaine!

Skip:             Yeah, are you working with Giovanni from Team Rocket?

Blaine:         Well, we worked together in the past, yes. But I parted ways but then, you know. Things happened.

Xander:           So is he just, like, crashing here, or…

Giovanni:             Free cave, okay? Free cave!

Blaine:         You can't own the cave, so we're owning it.

Giovanni:             Free country. Free cave. My cave. Squatter’s rights!

Skip:             Giovanni- can I call you Giovanni?

Giovanni:             Sure.

Skip:             Are you still a member of Team Rocket?

Giovanni:             I am- I'm the- I'm the flame that keeps Team Rocket alive to- to…

Blaine:         I- I thought I was the flame that kept—

Giovanni:             Listen, Blaine the Pain. I'm the brains, you're the Blaine. Alright? You’re the Blaines of the operation, and you're just- you're screwing it up, Blaine! You keep doing this. Every time we get a visitor to the cave, you- you stick in the spokes. Stick in the spokes, Blaine! Keep on with your riddle contest.

Blaine:         [glitches] I- I'm Blaine!

Skip:             The riddle contest is over.

Giovanni:             [glitches] G-god—

Skip:             We got you figured out.

Giovanni:             —dammit, Blaine!

Candace:          Yeah, where's my Badge?

[Glitching static. Creepy music starts; Pokémon Mansion theme.]

Blaine:         [staticy] tHIs iS tHe SeAfOAm Islands. [normal] Here, you can challenge me to a Gym Badge. Would you like to answer the questions?

Candace:          We already did.

Giovanni:             [staticy] That's enough outta you, missy! [normal] Now what we're gonna do is we're going to battle!

Candace:          Uh… [badly pronounces] Excuse moi! We were—

[Laughter.]

Sage:            [amused] I’m sorry. Fuckin’ what?

[Laughter.]

Candace:          It’s French! Alright?

Xander:           Guys, I think Candace is having a stroke. She’s so nervous!

Candace:          Do you guys not know French?

Giovanni:             That’s enough outta you, miss—

Candace:          [shouts] You uncultured swine! Listen up, buddy!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

You told us if we answered the three questions correctly, we would get the Badge! And we did! So give me. That. Badge!

Blaine:         Oh, you want this Badge?

[Blaine shoves it in his mouth.]

Gulp!

[Laughter.]

Candace:          Alright, that’s it!

Xander:           [yells] Did he just eat it?

Skip:             Candace!

[Battle music begins.]

Sage:            Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Giovanni cackles.]

[Stat test chime.]

Blaine, can you roll for Nerve?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Success. No question. Just swallows it. Doesn't go down well, but he's holding it together.

Candace:          Big. Mistake.

Skip:             Candace, Sucker Punch! Go!

[Air swishes as Candace swings.]

Candace:          Right in the gut!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Okay. Roll for Brawn.

[Candace charges at Blaine.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Jessica:          [worried] Oh.

Travis:          Oh shit.

Sage:            Critical failure. Candace swings her uppercut towards Blaine. But he—even though he's an old man, and he's got a lot of white hair—he's still- he's still on his toes. He's still got the flames goin’.

Blaine:         Five backflips.

[Laughter.]

With my cane!

Sage:            Into a cartwheel and a jumping jack!

Candace:          [shocked] And somersault with heavy panting?

Sage:            And though Blaine is fine, Candace has a force behind her fists that can't be slowed down. And she tumbles off the edge into the lava!

Xander:           Whoa!

Candace:          Aaaaaahh!

Skip:             NO!

Xander:           Pidgeot, go!

[Xander throws a Poke Ball. A whoosh is heard as Ramona exits.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Effectiveness to see if Ramona can catch Candace in time before she falls into the magma.

[Success chime.]

Success. Pidgeot knows what to do in an instant with Keen Eye ability.

[Ramona cries out.]

She swoops down towards Candace and, just in the nick of time, is able to catch her before she falls into the lava!

Candace:          Oh! Ramona, thank you.

Sage:            And very gently drops her back down towards the Gym battleground.

[Candace gasps for breath.]

Giovanni:             Good lord, it’s a Pidgeot! Oh, what I couldn't do with one of them.

Xander:           Hey!

Giovanni:             To add to my menagerie- WHAT?

Xander:           Bu- That’s mine!

Giovanni:             That’s enough outta you, mister! This is going to be my Pidgeot.

Xander:           No!

Giovanni:             Yes! I- I- I rather think so. Blaine!

Blaine:         Yeah?

Giovanni:             Do that voodoo that you do, skoodoo.

[Rumbling is heard.]

Xander:           Oh, shit. He’s glowing!

[McEuen stifles laughter.]

Blaine:         I’m evolving.

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            Blaine’s really wispy white hair turns orange, and his little tiny bowler hat flies off.

Blaine:         Pew!

Candace:          Does he have little hands and white around his eyes?

Sage:            No, no, no. He's just an old man with red hair now.

Blaine:         And a gun!

Giovanni:             Use the gun on these children!

[Candace gasps.]

Take their animals!

Candace:          What?

[Whoosh into Skip’s mind.]

Skip:             [thoughts echo] Okay, Skip, this is your moment. Don't mess this up. Grab that rock right next to you. Good job, buddy. You're doing it. Now, use all of your Pokémon training might, and throw that rock at that stalactite, and knock the gun out of his hand.

[Stat test chime.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: Who’s that Pokémon?

 [Pokémon cry.]

 [Pokémon cry.]

AD BREAK

[Radio switches on. Safari Zone battle music.]

Bex:            Okay, people hold up! Stop what you're doing. Pull your car over. It's time to pay attention. I got a lesson for all y'all. Y'all gotta go to patreon.com/20sidedstories and you gotta go there now, people.

Get out your phones, your tablets, your MacBooks, your laptops, your notepads, your two-in-ones. Get online right now, with your little extra rainy day fund, your Starbucks money.

I'm gonna need you to take your $3 and go to patreon.com/20sidedstories. That's right ladies and gentlemen, three bucks gets you that Adventure Pass.

My life partner, he got- his eyes got shot out, and then he ran off an’ he ran into a tree an’ he died of internal bleeding! I don't know what happened to him, but my Kangaskhan also got kil’t. Everybody I love got kil’t in front o’ my very eyes! I gotta raise this little baby Kangaskhan baby all by myself! I'm not gonna do it without your help, ladies and gentleman.

Get over there to the 20 Sided Stories!

patreon.com/20sidedstories

I know you got $3 in your glove compartment! Get over there, please! I’m beggin’ ya! Otherwise bad things are gonna happen, I'll see to it! And I got ways, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't make me sleep in the gutta. No soup kitchen for Bex tonight! No soup kitchen for Bex tonight, please!

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We need help, ladies and gentlemen! Otherwise, I'm gonna have to sleep in the gutta for the rest of my life. You don't want that, ladies and gentlemen, no! HELP! HEEELP! HEEELP!

[Radio switches channels. Music becomes cheerful.]

Sage:           Thank you to all the patrons who signed up this past week.

Ben W. Ben, thank you so much

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Inivikin[pronounces it different ways]. I'm sure it's one of those. Thank you. Thank you so much!

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All these wonderful people get access to bonus content like two full seasons of MACABREVERSE and the VICTORIA 1890. Plus Lasers and Feelings. That's seventeen full episodes. Plus all sorts of bonus mini-episodes and behind-the-scenes goodies are being added every single month.

We're dropping a super-secret bonus scene between Giovanni and Cedric later this week. And the week after that, Greg, Jess, Travis, and I are gonna go through all eight generations of starter Pokémon and talk about them and rank them and have a great time. So sign up now so you can get that stuff the moment it drops.

I mean, plus, you get access to versions of all the regular episodes without ad breaks like this that never seem to end!

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Direct link is in the show notes.

[Radio switches off. Music stops.]

Who’s That Pokémon?

 [Who’s That Pokémon? music.]

Candace, Skip, Xander: It’s Charizard!

 [Charizard cry.]

Blaine & Giovanni – Part II

[Magma boils. Suspenseful music.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Failure chime.]

Sage:            Failure. Skip grabs the rock and then drops it immediately. [chuckles]

[Music stops.]

[Giovanni cackles.]

Xander:           What are you tryin’a do? What was that about?

Skip:             Why were you guys watching me?

Giovanni:             We were kinda- want- waitin’ to see how that played out, but it looks like you're a little too stoned to get that little maneuver off the ground.

Blaine:         Oh!

[Battle music picks up again.]

Candace:          Alright. [she-hulk voice] I’ve had just about enough o’ this!

Blaine:         Wanna wrastle? Let’s wrastle!

Skip:             Candace, Wrestle!

[Candace roars.]

Sage:            God. Candace, use Brawn.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Success. She tackles Blaine to the ground.

Blaine:         Oh!

[Thud!]

Sage:            The old man hits his hip a little bit. It hurts. But because he evolved into his fire mode, he's still there. He's- he's ready. He's just gonna chill.

[Rimshot.]

[Gentle Team Rocket theme.]

And then from behind…you hear the sound of a very, very old cat.

Giovanni:             Yeah, I'm used to solving my problems like a man. With animals! Pokémon, that is! Come on, Persian, come out here!

[Persian meows pitifully.]

Come on Persian. Limp on over here, baby.

Xander:           Whoa, he doesn’t look good.

[Persian meows pitifully.]

Giovanni:             No, it’s just mange. He’s fine.

Xander:           [nervous chuckle] Oh no.

Giovanni:             Come on, Persian, get over here. Stop licking yourself, Persian.

Xander:           He looks like he was already buried with an Egyptian king.

Giovanni:             That’s enough outta you, mister! Come on Persian. We’re gonna give him what fer.

[Persian yowls pitifully.]

Your days are numbered, Scream Police.

[Persian yowls in agreement.]

Candace:          It’s Dream Police!

[Battle music!]

Ninetales, go!

[Pixie the Ninetales exits her Poké Ball.]

Alright, Pixie, let's try something new for size. Giga Impact, go!

[Pixie charges and smashes into Persian.]

Giovanni:             Oh no, Persian, avoid that a cat- attack and give ’im a good ol’ taste of the Double Team!

[Persian blurs around the stadium.]

Xander:           Ugh. He’s moving so fast for how very, very, old it is!

Sage:            There are, like, six old cats, now. Just- [stifles laugh]

Xander:           Ugh. It’s like the- it’s like the- it’s like the back alley with a- with a Chinese restaurant or something by the dumpster. Gods, who put the leftovers out?

[Giovanni starts singing. Blaine and Xander join in.]

Giovanni:             [sings] Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be a cat!

Xander:           [sings] Everybody!

[Laughter.]

Candace:          Alright, I normally don’t like to beat up some cats, but your owner’s a real dick! Alright, Pixie. Will-O-Wisp!

[Purple flames shoot at Persian. Persian yowls in pain.]

Giovanni:             Oh no, my Persian was Burned! Oh no, come on, Persian, let’s do this.

Xander:           Oh, his fur’s on fire.

Giovanni:             Body Slam!

Xander:           Oh, he’s charging right for him!

[Persian charges Pixie.]

Candace:          Oh, look out, Pixie! Look out!

[Persian slams into Pixie, knocking her back. Xander and Candace groan and Pixie yelps.]

Okay, she barely got him. Alright, that's it. We're gonna do Ember, Pixie! Old school!

[Pixie coughs, flames whoosh.]

Giovanni:             Persian, Roar your way outta there, baby.

[Persian roars. Pixie returns to her Poké Ball.]

Switch out the way- I meant to do that.

Sage:            Because of the Persian’s Roar, Pixie is forced out of the battle.

Candace:          Alright, fine! Debbie will be just as great!

[Abra KaDebra exits her Poké Ball and cries out.]

Abra KaDebra:        [psychic voice] Hua! My name is Debbie!

Candace:          Okay, Debbie. Psybeam!

[A dark hum builds and Psybeam shoots forward.]

Oh, gosh, I missed!

Xander:           Ah, it missed!

Giovanni:             Alright, Persian. Keep Body Slamin’ ’er. Give ’er a taste of this pussy.

[Persian cries out. Multiple thuds are heard. Abra KaDebra grunts.]

Candace:          Oh, keep that language in your pants!

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Xander:           The Persian’s still getting hurt by its fur. It's on fire.

Candace:          Yeah. Alright. That's right! You may have gotten Pixie outta this race but she still laughs! Debbie, finish it off. Flash! No! Just kidding. Psybeam!

[Another whoosh! Persian grunts as the attack lands.]

Skip:             Whoa!

Giovanni:             No! No!

Candace:          That’s right, mother trucker!

Sage:            An echoing light shatters a bunch of black. It’s as if without even physical matter. Energy just starts rumbling the cave as Kadabra’s Psybeam just implodes the Persian. It turns into this—

Travis:          Oh! Fuckin’ Inception.

Giovanni:             I’ve had that Persian for over ten years!

Sage:            Smaller and smaller until the Persian just disappears into nothing.

[Music cuts off.]

Giovanni:             No!

Candace:          You've never met Candace Carter, and you'll remember her for the rest of your life, which will only be a couple days!

Xander:           Can- Candace, Candace. You just- you just- you fucking murdered that Pokémon.

[Beat. Giovanni starts crying.]

It’s gone. You just sent it- you just sent that to the—

Candace:          That Pokémon was a part of Team Rocket and it deserved to die!

Xander:           It went to the shadow realm.

Giovanni:             [cries] It was my only friend in the cave! My Persian got euthanized! [sobs]

Skip:             Well, guess what, Giovanni!

Xander:           You- I feel bad.

Skip:             You just ran into three Pokémon trainers who won't stop for anything. We don't care if you're the leader of the most devastating team of ne’er-do-wells. We're a force for good that cannot be vanquished. Dream Police!

[Skip and Candace run into position.]

Cartwheel!

Candace:          Somersault! Heavy panting!

[Xander groans as he poses. Dream Police chime!]

Sage:            Blaine is shocked and coughs up the Badge.

[Blaine coughs. Gentle chimes as the Badge shimmers in Blaine's hand.]

Candace:          I’ll take that!

Blaine:         Or will you?

Sage:            But!

[Suspenseful music.]

Two familiar faces come in. Skip recognizes one of them as his brother Cedric. And the rest of our party recognizes the other as the little shit… No, big shit. Blue. Without Zach.

[Steady danger music.]

Cedric:           Oh, what's going on here, little bro? Did you make it all the way to Blaine?

Skip:             Yeah. And you- hey, Blue, where's Zach?

Blue:          I have some important business to attend to here. Zach doesn't need to be here for this.

Skip:             So is he just off on his own?

Cedric:           He's training somewhere. Blue’s got that handled and you don't need to worry about it, little bro.

Xander:           You guys having, like, a creepy adult party or somethin’?

Giovanni:             All adult parties are creepy, kid. All of ’em.

Blue:          [mumbles] I can’t believe I signed up for this.

Candace:          That’s sure true.

Cedric:           Now, little bro. You wouldn't happen to know about—

Xander:           [mumbles] God, I hate that voice.

Cedric:           I'm sorry. What did you say?

Candace:          [loud; slow] He said he hates your voice. And I second that!

[Xander frantically shushes her.]

Xander:           [mumbles] We don’t- we don’t need to do this. This nihilistic—

Cedric:           Oh, that's just funny. You hate my voice—

Xander:           [mumbles] I don’t-

Cedric:           —but I've only heard your voice about one fuckin’ time!

Xander:           [mumbles] Maybe. Okay.

Candace:          [whisper] This—

Cedric:           Because you don't have the wherewithal—

Candace:          This is your—

Xander:           [mumbles] Okay.

Cedric:           —or the balls to even open that mouth of yours!

Candace:          This is your time, Xander.

Xander:           [mumbles] Okay.

Candace:          Do it, Xander. Do it, Xander. Do it, Xander!

Xander:           [mumbles] I don’t- I don’t wanna co—

Candace:          Unleash! Unleash, Xander! Unleash!

Xander:           [quiet] Unleash what? I don’t understa- what does that mean?

Candace:          He’s eggin’ you on. Unleash!

Xander:           [quiet] I’m not—

[Cedric lets out a derisive snort.]

Candace:          Evolve!

Cedric:           That’s what I thought.

[Xander sighs anxiously.]

Candace:          [exasperated] Oh my god. Xander.

Cedric:           Little bro!

Skip:             Yeah, bro. What's up?

Cedric:           You wouldn't happen to know anything about the words Poké Petco would you?

Skip:             We did hear something about Poké Petco.

Cedric:           God dammit, Blue. How did you let this happen?

Blue:          I… I don't even know anymore.

Candace:          Um, ’cause he sucks.

Cedric:           You’re supposed to be training their rivals so that they don't understand stuff like this and that they don't run into anything.

Blue:          [irked] I get that.

Xander:           Dude, we've run into pretty much everything at this point.

Skip:             Bro.

Xander:           We just sent a cat to the shadow realm!

Skip:             Bro.

Cedric:           Eh, he’ll be back. Unless Giratina eats it.

Skip:             Bro!

Cedric:           What do you want, little bro?

[Beat.]

Skip:             Are you a part of Team Rocket?

[Rivals all groan in uncertainty.]

Xander:           That means yes! That’s yes! That means yes!

Cedric:           No, it’s a lot more complicated than that.

Xander:           Uh-uh. That means yes!

Cedric:           Listen—

Skip:             Bro!

Cedric:           [irked] What?

Skip:             I don't care if it's complicated. Why?

Cedric:           Little bro, money is what makes the world go round. You know who had the most amount of money back in the day?

Skip:             The Carters?

Xander:           Banks.

Cedric:           N-no, the Carters are doin’ pretty well, but not as well as—

Xander:           U.S. mail.

Cedric:           [irked] No. Fuckin’ Team Rocket.

Xander:           Oh.

[Giovanni steps forward.]

Giovanni:             You see Skip, your brother needed a little bit more than you and your little Poké Pals could offer. You and your little- what is this? Dream Pa-Queef?

Xander:           Wow…

Giovanni:             Why don’t you join our side, Skip? We've got the resources that your little toddler friends don't have, and you'll be just like your brother.

Cedric:           That's right, little [glitching static] Blu-u-u-u. That's right, little bro. [normal] You could be just like Trainer Blue. Or Trainer Red, I guess, if you wanna be the hero.

[Blaine chuckles.]

Skip:             Yeah—

Blue:          [mumbles] Oh my god. I hate you so much.

Giovanni:             Imagine being able to defeat any opponent you ran into.

Skip:             Cedric… I would never wanna be like Trainer Blue.

Xander:           Yeah, he's kind of a washed-up asshole.

[Blue groans in irritation.]

Candace:          Yeah, he smells like a dick hole.

Xander:           That was not a good example.

Blue:          [mumbles] Just keep cool. Patience. It’s all gonna be—

Xander:           He's like that guy that plays Magic the Gathering in like- like 2014.

Blue:          I'm gonna commit a crime.

[Travis chuckles.]

I'm gonna kill a child. I'm gonna kill a child.

Cedric:           Now, now. Hold on, Trainer Blue. We still have a lot of plans to unfold.

Blue:          Why the fuck do you keep callin’ me “Trainer Blue”?

Cedric:           That’s what everybody knows you as. If I just call you “Blue” it sounds like- like—

Candace:          Who’s got the clue? Blue’s Clues!

Cedric:           Who names their kid Blue?

Xander:           I’m sorry, what?

Giovanni:             Blue- yeah, “Blue” is a dog name, man.

Candace:          Yeah. He's got, like, blue footprint- uh, pawprints that go all up—

Cedric:           No, no. That’s what I’m saying. If I were to just call him “Blue” it sounds like I—

Candace:          Yeah, we’re agreeing with you. God, I can’t believe I agree with a—

Cedric:           It sounds like a bad- if I add “Trainer”, it’s more like a class thing.

Candace:          Oh, shut uuup!

Blaine:         I'm Blaine!

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            And then as if, out of nowhere, an old man in a lab coat just appears right in front of everyone.

[Glitching static.]

Giovanni:             There’s a lotta old men in this cave.

Candace:          Please, for our sake—

Xander:           Are we just like…

Candace:          —tell me that’s Professor Oak and he’s normal again!

Xander:           Who—

[Professor Oak lets out a startled screech. Xander groans.]

Candace:          Well, it seems like I was half right.

Professor Oak:              [glitching] Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon!

Xander:           Jesus Christ, this is like fuckin’ Coachella for senile assholes.

Professor Oak:              Welcome to the wonderful world of- Welcome to the wonderful world of- Welcome to the wonderful world of—

[Chaotic shouting.]

Blaine:         I’m Blaine!

Candace:          I gotta slap ’em!

Blaine:         I’m Blaine!

Professor Oak:              [glitching intensifies] Welcome to the wonderful world of- Welcome to the wonderful world of—

Blue:          [yells] Gramps!

Sage:            He disappears into thin air.

[A static wind blows. Everyone quiets. A beat passes.]

Cedric:           Blue, what do they know?

Blue:          I don't think they know anything.

Cedric:           Good. We're gonna keep it that way.

Skip:             Brother—

Cedric:           Blaine!

Candace:          What's up with Nurse Joy?

[Creepy music; Lavender Town Reprise begins.]

Cedric:           Blaine?

Candace:          Nurse Joy!

Xander:           [worried] What’s happening?

Cedric:           Blaine if you want your stocks to keep comin’ in, you want food, you want those lovely, lovely, lovely bars of protein I’ve been sendin’ you?

Xander:           [quiet] I thought he was gonna say “ladies”.

Candace:          I thought I was gonna say “lovely balls”.

Giovanni:             That's enough outta you, missy!

Cedric:           Then you better battle these trainers right now and show them who's boss. If they beat you, that means they're gonna have to fight in Viridian City. Wait, did you get all the Badges?

Xander:           Sure.

Blaine:         I'm the last one before Viridian.

Cedric:           Alright. Blue.

Blaine:         Wait, did you get all the Badges?

Xander:           YES!

Giovanni:             God dammit, Blaine!

Cedric:           Fly us out of here.

Blue:          [weary] Sure. Yeah, okay.

[He pulls a Poké Ball off his belt.]

I just wanna get outta here.

[A Pidgeot exits its Poké Ball and squawks.]

Skip:             Bro, wait!

Candace:          Let’s go after them!

[Cedric and Blue hold on to Pidgeot as it flies off. The Dream Police chase after them. Everyone stops just outside the Gym chamber.]

Cedric:           There are things you don’t understand. Things that are much bigger than you, little bro.

Candace:          Hey! Where's my Aunt Clair?

[Music stops. Beat.]

Cedric:           Your Aunt Clair is dead.

Credits

[A loud drum fill pounds. Metal guitars crash in; Lavender Town Theme reprises in full.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in. This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David Michmerhuizen, David McEuen, and Noah Sturtridge

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Episode artwork by Marissa Bernstel

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Music crescendos and fades out.]

Sage:            Thanks for listening. If you wanna support the show for free, don’t forget, we’re on all the social media channels. Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter @20SidedStories. Only two episodes to go.

#15 - Pallet Town

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 15 - Pallet Town

Air Date: April 16, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Episode 15 - Pallet Town

[A familiar electronic, warbling chime is heard as Candace recalls a memory. Everything sounds lo-fi, as if through a radio. Nostalgic, sad music plays on acoustic guitar.]

[A television shows a Pokémon battle.]

Candace:          Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff! Get ’im, get ’im, get ’im! Oooh my god!

[Doorbell rings.]

Oh… Uh… O-one second!

[Television shuts off. Candace hurries to the front door and opens it. Birds chirp outside. The Viridian City melody comes in.]

Wha- Aunt Clair? What are you doing here? Is it my birthday? Wait, what?

Clair:           Hey, Candace. How are you doin’?

Candace:          [excited] Hi, hi, hi! Can I give you a hug?

Clair:           Of course! I’m so excited to see you!

Candace:          Yaaay!

[Candace launches forward and hugs Clair tight.]

I’m excited to see you. What are you doing here? Oh, I have so many questions for you! Come inside. Come on, come on, come on! I'll get you a water.

Clair:           Okay, perfect. I've got lots to talk to you about.

[Clair steps inside and shuts the front door.]

What are you up to?

Candace:          Um, you know, just doing school. Uh…I'm getting straight A's.

[Clair gasps happily.]

My mom is- she has me on the course. I'm gonna probably be a lawyer. Which, you know, is whatever. But we’re- we’re doing that. Uh, and yeah, I'm just- I'm just doing school and stuff.

Clair:           Well, it sounds like you're keeping busy, but I wanna talk to you about something I think that you might find way more fun. So I don't know if you heard, but I actually just got transferred here. I just came from Blackthorn.

Candace:          [excited] Wait, you’re- you're transferred here?

Clair:           Yeah, I just got transferred to Viridian.

Candace:          [excited] So- so you’re gonna spend more time here or…

Clair:           That’s the plan, yeah. I'm replacing Blue because he sucked.

Candace:          Yeah. Blue’s a fuc- Sorry, I don't want to swear in front of an adult.

[Clair chuckles.]

To Vir- so- oh my gosh! So you're gonna be here for how long? Oh my gosh, did they- are we gonna spend more time together?

Clair:           Oh, yeah.

Candace:          Can I come and see you?

Clair:           Actually, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. So do you know what I'm gonna be doing here in Viridian?

Candace:          N-no...

Clair:           I am going to be training Pokémon. And I wanted to see what you thought about coming and hanging out with me there sometime.

Candace:          Oooh! Uh, I would love that! I so wanna do that! Um, I just don't know how my mom's gonna feel about it. ’Cause you know how she- she's—

Clair:           I know, but I actually have a gift for you.

[Candace gasps.]

Are you ready?

Candace:          Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Clair:           Okay. Sit down.

[Candace sits as Clair pulls something out of her pocket.]

Candace:          Okay. Down.

[A Pokémon exits its Poké Ball with a whoosh. Candace gasps. Vulpix cries out.]

Ooooh! [coos] You’re so cute!

Clair:           Yeah. This is a Vulpix just for you, Candace.

Candace:          A Vulpix for me?

Clair:           Just for you.

Candace:          Oh my gosh, she's so pretty. Thank you so much! Oh, can I- can I give you a hug?

Clair:           Of course, Candace. Of course. [chuckles]

[Candace gives her another tight hug.]

Candace:          Thanks! Sometimes my parents says I have to ask.

Clair:           Oh, you never ask with me. Always give me a hug.

Candace:          O-okay. Thanks, Aunt Clair! Wow. I have my own Pokémon!

Clair:           Yeah.

Vulpix:          [coos cutely] Aa!

Candace:          Aw, hi there! Hi Vulpix!

Vulpix:          Aa!

Candace:          I’ve always really wanted to be a Pokémon trainer.

Clair:           And I believe you can be the best, Candace.

Candace:          You do?

Clair:           I think that you are so talented and so smart and so hard-working, and I want you to stick to your dreams. Okay?

Candace:          Oh, o-okay.

Clair:           No matter what, I think that you could be the best and I want that for you.

Candace:          You think I could be the best?

Clair:           I think so, Candace.

Candace:          D’you think I can be the best Pokémon trainer?

Clair:           I know that you can be.

Candace:          [voice breaking] Wow. Thanks, Aunt Clair!

Clair:           I love you, Candace.

[Music fades out.]

[The sound of the present-day slowly creeps in. Water drips in the cave and a river trickles by.]

Candace:          Where’s my Aunt Clair?

Cedric:           Your Aunt Clair is dead.

[Beat.]

Candace:          [quiet] No, she’s not.

Cedric:           There was a landslide on Victory Road.

Candace:          I know that… [stifles crying]

Cedric:           There was also more than a landslide. Seems that towns are just- Ugh. I don't need to get into this. You guys can figure it out on your own.

Candace:          You're a liar, liar pants on fire!

Cedric:           Just know that all your training will be worth nothing. Sorry, little bro.

Skip:             It's alright. It seems like family's worth nothing.

[Beat. Pidgeot chirps and wings flap, fading away.]

Sage:            They fly off on the Pidgeot.

Candace:          [quiet] That was a good one, Skip.

Xander:           You know what I should’ve said? I should’ve said that Trainer Blue looks like the kind of guy that manages a Hollywood video. That's what he looks like.

Blaine:         Alright, children.

[He ushers everyone back into the Gym chamber.]

[Suspensful music fades in.]

As the architect says, so shall you. And here unto in this- in this Seafoam Island Gym, will you all fall prey to my fiery techniques. Come here, Rapidash. Rapidly destroy them all. [chuckles]

Sage:            And battle has begun.

[Dramatic battle music! Rapidash exits its Poké Ball and neighs.]

Xander:           Alright. Go, Swampert!

[Muddy Waters exits his Poké Ball and cries out.]

Blaine:         That guy’s got a mohawk on his butt.

Giovanni:             Good god. It’s beautiful!

Blaine:         [amused] It’s a mohawk made of ass-hair!

Skip:             Come on Xander! Bring the fury!

Xander:           It’s a fin you old, stupid, science bitch.

Giovanni:             Got ’im!

Xander:           Muddy Waters use Muddy Water!

Blaine:         What?

Sage:            Rapidash uses Hidden Power Ice and tries to conjure up some icicles from the ceiling of the cave but before it can, Muddy Waters melts the ice with its Muddy Water, extinguishing the horse’s fire, causing it to get stuck in the mud and fall over.

[Rapidash cries out as it struggles.]

Giovanni:             Blaine, don’t you dare lose this duel!

Blaine:         L-let me clean the ice off of my spectacles, hold on. Whoooaa!

Giovanni:             God dammit, Blaine!

Xander:           That’s damn right!

Blaine:         Rapidash, you're dead!

[Rapidash returns to its Poké Ball with a whoosh.]

Candace:          Keep up, old man!

Xander:           I’m gonna make this cave new New Orleans.

Blaine:         Alright. Go, Butt Face Magmar!

[Laughter.]

Sage:            If you haven't seen Magmar recently, Google it. The Pokémon literally has a butt for a forehead and yes, it's canon. Blaine's Magmar is nicknamed Butt Face.

Giovanni:             These damn teenagers just flood and blow up everywhere they go!

Xander:           I may have a mohawk on my butt, but you got a butt on your goddamn head! This is ridiculous!

Giovanni:             Got ’im!

Xander:           Alright, I’m putting this thing out of his misery. Muddy Waters, use Muddy Water again!

[Mud bubbles up and splatters.]

Blaine:         Do it, Magmar. Don't- do it before he does the-

[Magmar cries out as the muddy water drenches him.]

Oh. Will-O-Wisp!

[Flames flicker.]

Xander:           Aw, there's a little fire on it.

Candace:          [mocking] It’s so cute but, um, your Magmar’s only got a little bit longer to live.

Giovanni:             That’s enough outta you, missy!

Blaine:         Oh, be quiet. That’s not bad.

Xander:           [sighs] Okay.

Candace:          Xander, we—

Xander:           Before we go any further—

Blaine:         Yes?

Xander:           —I just wanna say that everybody's banter when they're battling is just like… [sighs]

Blaine:         What is it? You little chicken shit. Chickaboo.

Xander:           Ah- just—

Candace:          Do it. Do it, Xander! Do it, Xander. Unleash!

Xander:           It’s just a bunch o’ insults, and I feel triggered and I don't—

Candace:          Unleash!

Blaine:         Trigger? I got a trigger.

[Cocks gun.]

Xander:           [yells] Rock Slide!

Blaine:         Whoa.

[Muddy Waters cries out. Rocks rumble.]

Sage:            Right as Muddy Waters starts using landslide, it's almost as if it was learning the inner workings of the move Earthquake a little bit early. And it starts kind of mixing with its knowledge of Rock Slide and- and the tectonic ground underneath them starts rumbling and shaking. And stalactites and stalagmites are falling from above them! And, of course, a big rock falls right on top of Magmar and Magmar faints.

Candace:          Whoa!

Skip:             Guys, let's get outta here!

Sage:            And right as it’s shaking the—

Blaine:         Volcano Badge.

Sage:            The Volcano Badge falls out of Blaine's hands!

[Dream Police all cry out.]

Travis:          We run for it. Roll for it?

Candace:          I’m reaching! I’m reaching!

Sage:            Roll to catch it.

Candace:          I’m reaching!

[Stat test chime.]

Travis:          Everybody roll to catch it.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            All at the same time, our Dream Police reach their right or left hands out and they all grab the Badge.

Candace:          [straining] OoooohhhhhHHHH!

[Music climaxes and fades out.]

Sage:            It merges between them, and they stop. Time freezes for a moment and they feel the perfect trinity of their team.

[Bad heavenly singing from the group.]

Never before have they felt such harmony and friendship.

[Singing holds, then...]

[Rocks crash down!]

BOOOM! The whole boulder above them crashes down and lands on Giovanni's foot.

Giovanni:             [whines] Oowwwooo, OOwwwww!!

[Suspenseful music throughout.]

Skip:             Quick! Let's get to the mouth of the cave!

Xander:           What about him? And him?

Candace:          Oh, screw ’em!

Blaine:         My glasses! I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

Giovanni:             Ah, I'll get you next time Cream Release!

[Laughter.]

Xander:           Alright, fuck that. Let's go. Fuck this guy.

[Dramatic orchestral music picks up. Rocks continue to crash down.]

Skip:             Dragonite, go!

[Dragonite exits her Poké Ball and cries out hectically.]

Xander:           I’m just gonna run, what’re you doing?

Skip:             Dragonite, make a path for us!

Dragonite:         Raaaaaaagh!

[Water splashes. Rocks crash down.]

Sage:            Dragonite jumps into the cold, cold water and all our trainers jump on her back. And as the tumbling rocks and boulders fall from Seafoam Islands and crystals shatter and Clefairy cry, and Articuno maybe perhaps flies above their heads? But they aren’t sure. They don't know because Dragonite is swimming at the speed of…

Travis:          Water?

Jessica:          Light!

Sage:            Water, light, sound.

Greg:          Surf!

Sage:            Of Surf! HM 0…

McEuen and Noah:     Five? (Three?)

Sage:            Three? All the boulders fall. They don't have time to look behind them, but it looks like Blaine and Giovanni's fate is unknown.

[Devious Team Rocket motif plays on horns.]

Giovanni:             Looks like Team Rocket’s…

Giovanni and Blaine:    Blasting off agaaaaain!

[Rocks crash down. Dramatic music resumes.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Effectiveness. Greg, please give me a Surf.

[Success chime.]

Success! A boulder goes ahead and falls right behind them, and then a wave pushes them right out of the exit of the cave.

Skip:             Dragon rush!

[Epic shimmer! Cave and water begins to rumble loudly.]

Dragonite:         Rraaaaa!

Xander:           Aaaaaa!

Candace:          [cheering] Woo!

[Music cuts off. Water crashes out of the cave, the Dream Police riding the wave!]

Sage:            The water settles and we look behind our trainers to see Seafoam Islands crumbling inward.

[Rumbling in the distance.]

[Waves lap and birds cry throughout.]

Smoke is filling the air. It's still dark out. Very, very, very early in the morning perhaps 4:30 AM more or less. And...

[Stat test chime.]

Please roll me Sense, Skip.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Hmm. What's your Hidden Power?

Greg:          Wisdom.

Sage:            Wisdom. Skip remembers that the volcano on Cinnabar Island is dormant.

Skip:             Xander, that Rock Slide you did reactivated that dormant volcano.

Xander:           I- I don't think that can make a volcano erupt. What?

Skip:             I think there's some sort of chain reaction going on. This might have something to do with the landslide on Victory Road.

[Mysterious, tranquil music begins.]

Sage:            Our trainers look up to see a sky covered in smoke and stars and little tiny blown up crystals falling down slowly in a million pieces, like snowflakes. It's equally chaotic, disturbing, and beautiful at the same time. Our trainers sit in the middle of the ocean on the back of Dragonite, watching.

[Candace groans.]

Xander:           Guys.

Skip:             ’Sup, man?

Xander:           Has every trainer that goes through this ruined as many things as we have?

Candace:          No.

Xander:           Okay.

Skip:             We're special.

Xander:           That's nice.

Candace:          We’re special little snowflake crystals, falling from this volcano storm.

Xander:           I’m gonna try to catch one. I wonder what it is.

Skip:             I wanna…catch ’em all.

[Xander chuckles.]

Candace:          I wanna taste one.

Xander:           I’m tired. Anybody else exhausted?

Candace:          Ow. They’re sharp.

Skip:             Hey, look. What’s this little pink thing?

Candace:          [gasps] Oh my gosh, it's the Badge!

Xander:           [gasps] It’s the Badge!

Candace:          From Blaine. [whispers] It’s the Volcano Badge.

Xander:           Is it? Wait, what is it?

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Travis:          Aw, shit.

[Laughter.]

Sage:            Critical failure.

Jessica:          I’ll roll!

Sage:            Xander’s head hurts.

Jessica:          Can I roll?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Yes, Candace. Please roll for, uh, Smart's.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Hidden Power Brawn?

Travis:          Brawn.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Sage:            In the nick of the excitement, Candace snatches the Badge right out of Skip's hands.

Candace:          [fiercely] ooAH!

Sage:            Almost breaks his hand as a matter of fact.

Skip:             Ow! Good job! That was really fast.

Candace:          Thanks!

Sage:            She opens up her palm…

[Mysterious vision music from Episode 10 reprises.]

Candace:          Uh.

Sage:            And there are two Badges there.

Candace:          [gasps] Get out. Is this…

Sage:            A Volcano Badge.

Candace:          And the…

Sage:            Marsh Badge.

Xander:           How did that happen?

Candace:          How did…

Sage:            We look up to the sky and see the stars form a constellation.

[Strange, distorted voices echo.]

It's Sabrina from the Saffron City Gym reaching out to our trainers.

[Static noise shifts around.]

She closes her eyes and disappears. This time for good.

Xander:           What the fuck is goin’ on?

Skip:             [quiet awe] Wow.

Candace:          Dude, everything about Sabrina confuses me.

Skip:             Maybe we had that Badge the whole time.

Candace:          Oh my god. Guys. We- we have all the Badges. Well, minus the next one, but we've got one more left.

Skip:             Really?

Candace:          We just have to get—

Skip:             We can do it!

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Candace roll Health.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Critical fail.

Jessica:          Fudge.

Sage:            Candace, putting together: how could we have gotten the Marsh Badge? We did not succeed in battle. We didn't even go back in after waking up. It was as if the whole thing was a dream or a nightmare.

Candace:          Yeah, we didn't succeed in battle. It was like a dream. I don't remember anything. And I feel a weird, like, attraction towards Sabrina.

Xander:           [confused] What?

Candace:          That's another story, I'm questioning my sexuality!

Xander:           [more confused] What?

Sage:            And Candace starts getting visions. Spoons are circling around her. Eyes are opening and closing. Stars are getting big and small. There's this pixelated feeling as if certain spots in her vision just disappear for a moment and then, like a block just placed on a wall, come right back on. She's fading away.

[Digital, glitchy humming builds. Candace groans from the mental strain of the visions.]

Skip:             Whoa… Candace! Candace!

Xander:           Uh, uh, here I’m splashin’ water on her face. Candace!

Sage:            Xander uses Splash. It's not very effective.

Xander:           Candace. Candace! Hello! Hello!

[Beat. The glitches intensify. Candace hums. Silence.]

Sage:            She's floating. She sees this weird vision. Blocks that are eroded and destroyed. She can't quite figure out what she's looking at. And then she wakes up inside of her bed in Pallet Town.

[Glitching buzzes. Quiet. A beat passes. Candace’s voice echoes heavily throughout.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh. That was a crazy dream. Am I in Pallet Town? Mom? Dad? Um… Oh gosh. [groans] I guess I'll go downstairs.

[She cautiously walks down the stairs.]

Hello! Hello?

[A strange wind blows.]

Whoa. Xander? Skip? …It’s so quiet.

[Faint, constant “low health” beeping.]

Um, what is this?

[Beat.]

Pokédex?

[Pokédex chimes as it powers up, beeping constantly.]

Pokédots:       [glitching static] Error. Candace error. Carter error.

Candace:          What am—

Pokédots:       No string found. Error.

Candace:          What does that- no string found? Pokédex, what’s going on? Pokédex? Pokédex, it’s Candace. Where- where’s Xander and Skip?

Pokédots:       [glitching] Reloading data chunk.

[Heavy echoing fades to a light echo. Glitching static throughout.]

Candace:          It’s just a constant loading bar.

Pokédots:       [glitching] Error. String not found.

[Candace groans and breathes heavily.]

Candace Carter. Cycle Seven. Error.

Candace:          I don't feel so good. [pants slowly]

Pokédots:       Error.

Candace:          Mommy. Mommy, are you there?

Pokédots:       Error.

Candace:          [groans] I’m sorry. I never should’ve left.

Pokédots:       Error.

Candace:          I should’ve just stayed safe at home. I don't…

Pokédots:       Deleting.

[Candace groans.]

Deleting.

[Scratchy electronic humming builds. Candace pants and coughs.]

Deleting. . . Deleting. . . Deleting. . .

Candace:          I don't know if I can keep going. I…

[Candace pants and groans in pain and panic as the Pokédex continuously repeats “Deleting.”]

Pokédots:       Deleting. Deleting. Deleting. Deleting. . .

Candace:          [panicked] Get me out of here. Get me out of here! I wanna get out of here!

[“I wanna get out of here!” echoes over and over, fading out.]

[Emotional, gentle music plays on piano; Blackthorn City theme. Slight static is heard. We enter another memory.]

Clair:           Kingdra, use Hydro Pump!

[Water splashes.]

Candace:          [panicked] Oooh! Pixie, no! Uh, Pixie!

[Pixie the Vulpix cries out in pain.]

We don’t know which move- ah, gah! You’re drowning her! What the heck!

Clair:           Oh, come on, Candace. What are you doing?

Candace:          [flustered] Wh- but my Pixie’s so small and your thing’s so big and I don’t know what- what d’you want? I- you got- I- Pixie, go on, go on! [angry] Pixie! Tail Whip!

[Pixie whines.]

Clair:           Candace, you know what to do. Come on.

Candace:          No, I don’t! You have a Water-type. How am I supposed to defeat a Water-type? I have a Fire-type.

Clair:           Come on, Candace, you know better than this.

Candace:          I don't know! I don't know if I know any better than this!

Clair:           You do, Candace, come on.

Candace:          [dejected] Maybe I’m not supposed to be a Pokémon trainer. I'm not supposed to do any of this! I suck! And- and Pixie is not doing well, and- and she’s never gonna level up. And- and you're- and you’re not helping me!

Clair:           Candace, come on.

Candace:          [quiet] No.

Clair:           Really? What’s going on with you? Why are you acting like this?

[Beat.]

Candace:          [tearful] My mom doesn't want me to come here anymore. And then- and then if I don't come here anymore, I'm not gonna see you. And then Pixie’s not gonna be strong and I keep failing and I can't- I’m not- I don't have, um, I can't pull up on the bars and I- I can't do any pushups and Pixie [sniffle] relies on me and- and I can’t help her. And I can’t help her if you’re not there with me.

Clair:           Candace, I'm always gonna be with you, okay?

Candace:          [cries] But…what if- what if you’re not?

Clair:           I believe in you. And I know that you can do this. You were meant to do this.

Candace:          [tearful] Oh…I don’t know. I keep losing. And- and maybe my mom's right. Maybe- maybe I'm not cut out. And it's- it's not a good lifestyle and—

Clair:           Candace. Listen to me. People are always going to tell you that you're not right for something. You're not cut out for something. But you need to tell them that you know, in your heart of hearts that you are meant to do this. And you're gonna do it better than anybody. Do you hear me? No one can tell you what to do except you, Candace. And I want you to remember that for the rest of your life.

Candace:          [sniffles] O-okay. I- I- I can- I can do- I can do it and, uh, and- and for- for me and for Pixie and for you, I'm gonna be the best Pokemon trainer and [sniffle]… And I don’t care what my mom says! I'm gonna do it!

Clair:           Yes! Exactly! You know that you're meant to do this, Candace!

Candace:          Yeah!

Clair:           Yes! And you will continue to do it, do you understand me?

Candace:          Yes!

Clair:           Good!

Candace:          [tearful] Can I give you a hug?

Clair:           [amused] Yes, Candace.

Candace:          Okay. Thank you!

[Candace hugs her tight.]

[Music fades out. A subtle heartbeat builds.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll for Nerve.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Beat.]

[Success chime. Candace/Jessica cries out in relief.]

[A determined variation of the Indigo Plateau theme begins to play.]

Xander and Skip are shaking her, slapping her, splashing water from the pond.

Candace:          Ow! Ah!

[Candace shoves them away.]

God, I’m awake!

Xander:           Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

[Xander repeatedly slaps her.]

Candace:          Ow! Helloooo! I’m talking to you! Stop hitting me! [growls] I will fucking punch you in your nose!

Xander:           [burps] Sorry.

Skip:             [gentle] Hey, Candace. How you doin’?

Candace:          Oh my god. What the hell is happening?

Sage:            Candace looks around and realizes she is in Pallet Town. She's been out for about a day. Xander and Skip brought her to safety the best they could. Surfed on Dragonite all the way to Pallet Town. It is in the morning about 5 AM.

Candace:          Wha- wh-where- Pokédex? Pokédex. Pokédex!

[Candace hurriedly unzips her backpack. Pokédex clicks on and chimes as it powers up. Music fades.]

Pokédots:       Hello.

Candace:          Um… Uh…

Pokédots:       How d’ya do?

Candace:          What was loading—

Xander:           We changed the voice setting on it while you were asleep.

Candace:          Uh, something was loading. What—

Pokédots:       [sings] Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my Pokémon.

Xander:           We didn't do it that good.

Candace:          Pokédex, what finished loading?

[The gentle chiming of a data search is heard. An error beep goes off.]

Pokédots:       Pokémon not found.

[Beat. Creepy, subtle music swells.]

Candace:          What Pokémon’s not found?

Pokédots:       [error beep] Pokémon not found.

Xander:           Is there… Did you see something? Did you see a Pokémon?

[Beat.]

Candace:          No…uh… Where’s- are we in Pallet Town?

Skip:             Yeah.

Candace:          Weren’t we on- weren’t we on Dragonite?

Skip:             Yeah, we took Dragonite right back to the place where I found her actually.

Xander:           It was really special.

Skip:             Yeah, we had a moment.

Sage:            Cut to that moment.

[Film rewinds.]

[Water laps gently against the shore.]

Candace:          Aw, Dragonite, look. It's where I found you when you were hurt!

Dragonite:         [weird growl] oooo-GrraaaAAahgh!

Sage:            Cut back.

[Film fast-forwards.]

[Laughter.]

Candace:          Okay… I just had a really weird dream.

Xander:           I took a picture. Look.

[Pokédex beeps and Xander extends it for her to see.]

Candace:          [chuckles] She has a weird face when she makes that noise.

Xander:           [amused] Yeah, it looks like she’s in pain.

Skip:             Here’s- here’s your face.

[Pokédex beeps and Skip shows her the picture. Candace groans.]

Xander:           [amused] We drew on it.

Candace:          [irked] That's real mature guys. What are we, ten?

Skip:             Anyways!

[Pokédex clicks shut.]

Hey, how are you feeling, though? Is your head okay?

[Mysterious music slowly returns.]

Candace:          No. Guys, what is happening? There's- your brother, Skip, is with Team Rocket. And what is going on with Pokémon Petco? And- and what was going on with Professor Oak just disappearing? He had- it was like glitching. He just disappeared in front of our eyes! It seems like there's, like, Pok- mysterious Pokémon that are just flying above us all the time, and we don't know what they are and- and—

Skip:             Alright, Candace, calm down. Calm down.

Candace:          And I had this dream that there are these rocks these- these blocks that were, like, covered in, like, mold, like grass, but they were deteriorating and- and then I got this real weird chill. And then I was in Pallet Town and nobody was there and nobody was answering to me and then Pokédot- the Pokédex- my Pokédot! The Pokédot! [stressed] The Pokédot was, like, “Candace Car- Candace error. Carter error.” and I don't know what it all means! [tearful] We have to figure it out!

Skip:             Okay, it’s a- it's a lot of stuff. Let's- let's slow it down.

Xander:           [gentle] It’s gonna be okay.

Candace:          Well, like, I said it all, so I don’t wanna say it again.

Skip:             Okay, good coverage.

[He twists the cap off his canteen.]

Have some water.

[Water splashes in the canteen as he hands it over. Candace sips.]

Candace:          Well, why are we in Pallet Town?

Xander:           We didn’t know where else to go.

Skip:             Yeah.

Xander:           Just went back home.

Candace:          We have to- we- we have to go to Victory Road.

[Beat.]

Xander:           We don't have the other- don't you need all Gym Badges to get to Victory Road?

Candace:          I don't care. I wanna go to Victory Road. Then let's go get the Earth Badge.

Xander:           Candace, wait…

Candace:          Let's go! Where's the Earth Badge? Let's go get it!

Xander:           It’s- we- Candace, if we can't find your aunt, we can't get the Badge. So we're- we're… We’re kinda done.

Candace:          No! You can't be done. We- we're not done! We're not done. We don't stop!

Xander:           If your aunt’s dead, then—

Candace:          [loud] My aunt’s not dead!

[Beat. Music fades out.]

Skip:             I'm not sure where she’d go. Uh, I’m not sure—

Candace:          She's out there, and she's gonna find us. And I'm gonna get that last Badge, and we're gonna be the best Pokémon trainers in the land! My aunt's not dead.

Skip:             Alright.

Xander:           Okay… [hesitant] Where do you think she would be?

Candace:          [voice breaking] They said she was at Victory Road so we have to go to Victory Road.

Xander:           [quiet] Okay.

Skip:             Okay. That's where- that's where we'll go.

Xander:           I think maybe we should take it- take a night. Rest. Um…

Candace:          I already rested! I'm tired of resting! I'm going! And you guys can join me or I'm gonna go on my own!

[Candace walks away.]

Skip:             Well, I… We gotta go with her.

Xander:           Yep.

Skip:             Let's go.

Xander:           ’Kay.

[Footsteps fade away.]

Credits

[Indigo Plateau music slams back in.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David Michmerhuizen, David McEuen, Noah Sturtridge, and Skylar Schock

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Episode artwork by Marissa Bernstel

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

[Indigo Plateau motif crescendos and fades out.]

[Glitching static noise returns.]

#A598-B857 (Finale Prelude)

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

#?:/>A598.B857 (Finale Prelude)

Air Date: April 23, 2019

[Podcast Intro music throughout. Glitching is heard throughout.]

Sage G.C.:         This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

N-n-nostalgic- Ka-Kanto.

[Podcast Intro music crescendos and cuts off.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and—

Finale Prelude

[Harsh glitching is heard throughout.]

(Professor Oak):           Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon!

[Oak cuts out and glitches back in.]

—secrets to be found in the world of Pokémon!

[Oak cuts out again and glitching worsens.]

Going to catch them all.

[Glitching cuts out and echoes.]

Blue:          Red? He doesn’t need to be here. I haven’t seen him in Viridian for years. He doesn’t- he knows how to catch Pokémon, he doesn’t need to… He’s doing something. I know it.

Old Man:         [muffled; outside] Wanna learn how to catch a Pokémon?

Blue:          [voice cracks] Hey!

[Blue runs to exit the Gym. An automated door opens and he sprints toward the Old Man.]

Hey! Get away from him! I don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re doing something!

[Glitching warbles.]

(Candace):           Th-they all repeat themselves.

(Professor Oak):           Red! Where are you?

(Channelers):         [throughout] Kaerf. Maeg. Kaerf. Maeg.

(Professor Oak):           Where’s Red?

[Glitching builds and cuts off.]

[Wind howls. Footsteps scuff on gravel. Blue sighs.]

Blue:          ’Sup, loser? How many times have we done this? Four? Five? Doesn’t matter. I know that you’re up to something and I’m gonna figure out what it is. Even if I have to beat it outta you or your Pokémon. I don’t care. I’m gonna figure it out. Today. Now.

[Glitching, high-pitched buzz is heard. Chimes are heard.]

Red:           [glitches] Let’s do this.

[Beat.]

Blue:          [quiet; shocked] What did you say?

[Beat.]

Red:           I said let’s do this then, Blue.

[A Pokémon exits its Ball. High-pitched, warbling ringing is heard.]

Blue:          Whaaat the hell are you doing? What is- what is that? What did- what did you do?

[Glitching stops.]

[Harsh, high-pitched beeping.]

[A static overlays and intensifies.]

(Candace):           —all repeat themselves.

(Professor Oak):           —going to catch them all!

(Skip):         I think there’s some sort of chain reaction goin’ on.

(Candace):           —all repeat themselves.

(Professor Oak):           Where’s Red?

(Skip):         He must have died.

(Candace):           N-N-N-Nurse Joy!

(Professor Oak):           Where’d you find a Mudkip?

[Glitches halt.]

[A door opens and clicks shut.]

Zach:            Uncle Blue! Uncle—

[Blue grunts. A loud crash is heard as he punches a hole in the wall. He sighs angrily.]

[Creepy music plays; Slow rendition of the Cinnabar Island theme.]

Zach:            Oh… You okay?

Blue:          Y-yeah. I’m okay. Why? What’s… You’re home early.

Zach:            Yeah. This is when I usually get home.

[Blue clears his throat.]

You don’t- you haven’t lived here in a while, so…

Blue:          Um…

Zach:            I, uh… Where’s my mom?

Blue:          Uh… Daisy’s not home right now. She’s…running some errands.

Zach:            [hesitant] I got a Tangela.

Blue:          That’s- that’s cool. ’S a good Grass-type.

[Beat.]

[quiet] Shallow move pool. It’s good Defense, though. No, no, can’t use it. No.

Zach:            What- what are you- who’re you talking to?

Blue:          Nothing. I’m talking to myself.

[Blue walks across the room and picks up his backpack, gathering items.]

Zach:            Oh. Okay… Uh, are you leavin’ or…

Blue:          Uh, yeah. I’m goin’ away for a little bit. On, uh…business.

Zach:            Cool. Like, Pokémon Champion business, right?

[Backpack zips shut.]

Blue:          Yeah. I’m off to start a new…training regiment. I’m lookin’ for new Pokémon. See if I can get a new team together. Maybe get my…my Gym back.

Zach:            Um, what do I tell Mom about the—

Blue:          Just- just tell her I’m gonna be away for a while. I’ll have my phone. Um…

Zach:            ’S a big hole. [nervous chuckle]

Blue:          Don’t- don’t tell your mother, okay?

Zach:            O-okay. [nervous chuckle]

Blue:          Okay.

Zach:            Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Blue:          I’m very sorry that you had to see this.

Zach:            I’ll jus’ put a- I’ll put a little poster over it.

[Paper rustles as Zach puts a poster on the wall.]

Blue:          Thank you. Oh, that’s a nice little map.

Zach:            Yeah.

Blue:          We have a lot of maps in this house.

[Sage chuckles.]

Zach:            I know. Where do they come from?

Blue:          I don’t know. I think she makes them.

[Pokédex beeps slowly. Glitching static throughout.]

(Professor Oak):           That isn’t one of the 151 Pokémon that I ever discovered.

(Cedric):        [muffled; glitchy] We’re pretty much going on a whole tour- We’re pretty much going on a whole tour- We’re pretty much going on a whole tour—

[Glitching cuts off.]

[Team Rocket music plays quietly in the background, a slow warble to it.]

Cedric:           All right, Trainer Blue. Looks like, uh, everything’s in order. Talked with Giovanni. The world tour is happening. Still down? Last chance to back out.

Blue:          I’m not backin’ out. You’ll get your money, Cedric.

Cedric:           Good.

Blue:          On one condition.

Cedric:           Oh?

Blue:          I need time in Kalos.

[Beat.]

Cedric:           How much time we talkin’ here, Blue? We gotta get to a lot o’ regions—

Blue:          I need as much time as I need. I’ve got something I need to get there.

Cedric:           Well, alright. Tell me what it is. We’ll do it but I…

Blue:          I’m gonna catch Mewtwo.

[Beat.]

Cedric:           Didn’t Trainer Red already… I…could’ve sworn that—

Blue:          There were two. There’s another one. I put so much time into figuring this out. They made two, Cedric. And I’m gonna get one.

Cedric:           Shit, that would, uh…couldn’t- can’t imagine we’d sell that one. It’s kind of—

Blue:          No.

Cedric:           Oh, okay.

Blue:          That’s for me, Cedric.

Cedric:           Yeah. Alright. Well, if that’s the only thing that’s gonna get the investment our way, then, you got yourself a deal, Blue.

Blue:          Got yourself a deal. As long as I get my Mewtwo.

Cedric:           [stifles laughter] You too will get your—

Blue:          Shut up.

[Sage chuckles.]

[Glitching warbles and builds again. Eerie chanting from Pokémon Tower is subtly heard underneath everything.]

(Channelers):         Kaerf. Maeg.

(Candace):           They all repeat themselves!

(Xander):             I think we stopped this in the middle of something.

(Black Belt Kiyo):     Sabrina has been in a psychic coma for years.

(Xander):             I think whatever they were doing—

(Candace):           I don’t feel very good.

[Glitching and chanting stops.]

[A dense wind and crickets. Distant bird Pokémon cry out.]

Fiddler:        [worried] OoooH. OooooooH!

Candace:          [asleep] Mmm, Fiddy. No, Fiddy… Shh, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. Just…

[Glitching begins again. A heartbeat is heard underneath.]

(Skip):         There’s nobody out there.

(Candace):           —all repeat themselves.

(Lance):             It’s almost as if—

(Professor Oak):           Going to catch them all!

(Lance):             They were gone.

(Skip):         I think there’s some sort of chain reaction going on.

(Candace):           —all repeat themselves.

(Professor Oak):           Red! Where are you?

(Skip):         I think this has somethin’ to do with the landslide on Victory Road.

(Xander):             I don’t care what goes over our heads so long as—

(Cedric):        It was also more than a landslide.

(Professor Oak):           Where’s Red?

(Cedric):        It seems that towns are disa-disa-disa—

(Kid):          [chime] Are you guys goin’ to Mt. Moon?

(Professor Oak):           Where’s Red?

[Voices overlap in a chaotic frenzy. Harsh digital noise intensifies and fires off in succession. A huge static wall, then…]

[All noise cuts off.]

[A fire crackles and pops. Crickets chirp in the background. A beat passes before Zach quietly clears his throat.]

Zach:            Really showed, uh… Really showed those, uh, Dream Police who’s boss back there, huh? Good job, Uncle.

Blue:          What? Hmm?

Zach:            Oh, uh…

Blue:          Sorry, I was…thinking. About somethin’. What- what’d you say?

Zach:            Uh, just, uh, it doesn’t matter. Just… We’re a cool team, right? Havin’ a good time. ’S just, you know…

Blue:          Yeah.

Zach:            Stick it to the…to those…nerds.

Blue:          [light chuckle] Yeah.

Zach:            Losers!

[A beat passes while the fire crackles.]

Blue:          Zach.

[Beat.]

I’m gonna need you to train on your own for a little bit, okay? This is an important step for you. I’ve made you this training regiment.

[Paper rustles. Zach stammers quietly.]

You’re gonna go to these routes and fight these Pokémon, and when you’re done, you and I are gonna meet up in Viridian City. Okay?

Zach:            Uncle Blue, I thought we were just finally gettin’ a good groove—

Blue:          Zach, I got important stuff to do, okay?

Zach:            That’s what you always say, Uncle. Every time! You say the same thing over and- I don’t know what that means. You talk about, oh, there’s a- there’s a cycle, and then- then, uh, and you’re gonna earn your spot back or some stuff and- I know it has to do with Red, but you won’t tell me what Red’s doin’—

Blue:          Okay! Look, Zach.

[Suspenseful ambient music slowly swells.]

The world is changing. Seven years ago, when Red took my spot…something happened to him. He got weird. Weirder than normal. He started looking for things. Going to the same places. Over and over again and then he’d repeat, like patterns. Like he was trying to do something in sequence. He f-figured something out. There are more…things…than just the Pokémon that we know about.

Zach:            Is it like the one that you caught that you won’t let me see?

Blue:          No. This is different. This isn’t like Mewtwo.

Zach:            [gasps; whispers] You caught a Mewtwo?

Blue:          [whispers] You can’t tell anyone.

Zach:            [whispers] Uncle Blue, that’s crazy!

Blue:          It is. And it’s f- my only shot. Listen. Red caught something that he shouldn’t have. Red went too far.

[Dissonant music builds then fades out.]

[Beat.]

Zach:            W-what did he get?

[Beat.]

Blue:          They call it…

[Beat.]

MissingNo.

[Horrifying atonal music slams in. Static and intensity builds.]

[Epic, devious music plays throughout.]

Sage:           Episode 16 – Victory Road, the finale to POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version will air on May 1st. Now is your last chance to get a shoutout on this season, which will help us fundraise for the next one.

Visit patreon.com/20sidedstories for more info. Otherwise, spread the word. It all comes down to this.

We’re @20SidedStories on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. #WrapItUp

But remember, whatever you do. Do not. Utter. Its name.

[Music fades out.]

Extras

Blue:          Is there any other questions you have? I mean…

Zach:            Does Tangrowth evolve into anything else?

Blue:          No, Tangrowth is done evolving.

Zach:            Why? It doesn’t look done. [Sage stifles laughter]

Blue:          [amused] I know. I know it doesn’t look done.

#16 - Victory Road

20 Sided Stories

POKÉMON! Pen & Paper Version

Episode 16 - Victory Road

Air Date: May 8, 2019

Sage G.C.:         Thank you all so much for joining us on this journey. It's been nothing short of incredible. Sorry for the delay. I blame PG&E. This will be our last episode for a little while. So hang out after the credits, where I'm gonna talk about sort of what's next for 20 Sided Stories and say goodbye to Pokémon. For now at least. Transcripts and the original soundtrack will be available at a later date, so keep posted for that.

Otherwise, of course, don't forget…

[Podcast Intro music throughout.]

This podcast and series has no affiliation with Nintendo, The Pokémon Company, Game Freak, Creatures Inc., or anything in the official Pokémon franchise whatsoever. It is a non-profit, fan-made parody piece created in fair use and all product names, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The bulk of what you are about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who simply love the franchise, and we thank you for joining us on our nostalgic adventure through Kanto. Enjoy.

[Intro crescendos.]

Jessica Dahlgren:       Thank you and welcome to 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[A heavy wind blows. Footsteps scuff on dirt.]

Blue:          I've always hated that about you.

Red:           Hmm?

[Red’s voice always sounds slightly distorted or “bit-crushed”.]

Blue:          The fact that you can just…stand there and do nothing.

Red:           Ever try it, Blue? Just…enjoying the silence?

Blue:          No, I'm not like you. I have to keep moving. Because I've had to scramble to keep up with you.

Red:           It's funny. You keep moving. I stand still. And yet…I still remain on top.

Blue:          Because you broke it, Red! You found that thing off of Cinnabar. What you did was wrong! You shouldn't have that!

Red:           I was given a mission! Weren’t we all? It's the motto. It's the trainer way. I saw it to the end.

Blue:          [quiet] Gotta catch ’em all.

Red:           Yeah.

Blue:          And you had to. You saw that thing.

Red:           I am the best that no one ever was!

Blue:          You saw what it was capable of and you went ahead and got it!

Red:           Well…no point in arguing about it.

[Beat.]

You just gonna stare at me?

Blue:          I'm here to take back what's mine.

[Red takes a deep breath and sighs.]

Red:           We'll do this as many times as you want, Blue.

Blue:          No. This is the last time.

Red:           [quiet] That’s what they always say. And then…they just reload.

Episode 16: Season Finale – Victory Road

[Badass Electronic Rock music throughout; grows increasingly orchestral.]

Narrator:         It has been an incredible journey. Candace Carter, Skip Svitak, and Xander Whitten have traveled across all of the Kanto region collecting Gym Badges and training their beloved Pokémon. Adopting the team name The Dream Police, they discovered Team Rocket was making a return and furthermore, Skip’s brother, Cedric, and the ex-Champion, Trainer Blue, were somehow involved.

Though they seem to have temporarily halted the Poké Petco, bigger matters have entered center stage. Throughout their journey, The Dream Police have noticed strange occurrences. Glitches, patterns, people repeating themselves.

While Xander was able to find his father on Cycling Road, Candace has seen no sign of her Aunt Clair. Though her cousin and legendary Dragon Tamer, Lance, informed the team that chaos was ensuing on Victory Road.

And so our trainers head there now to solve this mystery and save the wonderful world of Pokémon once and for all! The Dream Police have acquired—hard-earned or otherwise—seven out of eight needed Badges to get to the Indigo Plateau.

They arrive now in Viridian City and are greeted by a very angry, very grumpy, very bald old man.

[Footsteps tap on pavement. Misadventure music.]

Old Man:         I’m angry! It's so angry that my hair is fallin’ out!

Candace:          Um… Hello.

Old Man:         Hey, you want some- give- give me some yo- wha- gimme some coffee!

Xander:           Oooooh.

Skip:             Would you like some tea instead?

Old Man:         I’m- what kind o’ tea?

Candace:          Ginseng.

Xander:           Yeah.

Old Man:         I'll try it. Just have to Irish up this tea, I guess.

Xander:           Oh, here you go.

[Xander hands over a thermos.]

Old Man:         A little hooch in there.

[Liquid pours into a cup.]

Xander:           That is whiskey. He’s pourin’ whiskey into the tea.

Sage:            The old man goes to take a sip. Very slowly, our trainers watch.

[Stat test chime.]

Can Skip roll me Intuition?

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Music builds!]

[Success chime.]

Skip:             Wait!

[Skip steps forward and grabs the Old Man’s arm.]

Don't drink that tea.

Old Man:         Wanna see how to catch a Weedle? I can show you how to catch a Weedle if you want.

Skip:             I don't have time for your cockney rhyming slang.

Old Man:         What?

Skip:             We gotta stop giving these adults liquids. There's a pattern.

[Music grows suspenseful.]

Candace:          Wait, you mean, like, this old man who keeps asking for coffee and all those people asking for tea and Nurse Joy saying the same thing over and over and over again? Like that?

Skip:             Yeah.

Candace:          Whoa.

Skip:             I'll say it.

Skip and Xander:        [slow] We're in a vid—

[Rival entry music.]

Rival Zach:       Hey! ’Sup nerds! Fuckin’ stupid nerd losers!

Xander:           Did he just come outta nowhere?

Rival Zach:       Fuck all you!

Xander:           Jesus Christ!

Rival Zach:       Hey, I wanna show you something.

Skip:             Go away!

Rival Zach:       I wanna show you something!

Xander:           Nobody wants to see your micropenis!

Rival Zach:       I want—

Skip:             Just turn around. Just turn around and walk away.

Rival Zach:       My what?

Xander:           Nothing!

Skip:             Turn around and walk away.

Rival Zach:       Watch this!

[He pulls something out of his pocket.]

Sage:            Little Shit Zach reveals eight Badges and an ID.

Xander:           What is that?

Skip:             Yeah, wait, what is that? What?

Sage:            Candace reads the ID and recognizes the imagery very well because she was a big fan. It reads “Viridian City Gym Leader”.

[Rival music builds.]

Candace:          [grim] How did you get that?

Rival Zach:       Suck it, nerd!

Candace:          No, how did you get that?

Rival Zach:       Well—

Old Man:         You see there’s been a roulette of—

Rival Zach:       Hey, get out of—

Candace:          Shut up, old man!

Old Man:         Alright, I’ll go.

[Footsteps fade away. Rival music ends.]

Sage:            The old man walks away, but as he goes to his usual spot at the front of Viridian City, waiting for some trainer to come by that he's gonna beg for coffee, he fades away like a ghost.

[Digital noise whooshes into the wind. Suspenseful music throughout.]

Xander:           No!

Rival Zach:       What?

Xander:           No! That old guy just disappeared!

Rival Zach:       I don't know what you're talking about.

Xander:           That old guy just disappeared!

Rival Zach:       Everyone's been disappearing. Didn’t you pass through Pallet Town? I tried to show Oak that I caught like—

Xander:           Are you not concerned?

Candace:          Oak disappeared.

Xander:           We saw Oak disa- disintegrate into nothing.

Rival Zach:       Oh, I saw that too! ’Cept I saw it at the lab. Where did you guys see it?

Xander:           We saw it in a cave with your uncle and his brother.

Rival Zach:       Wait, what? Wait—

Xander:           And Blaine and Giovanna.

Rival Zach:       Oak went to Seafoam Islands?

Xander:           I don't know anything about anything except for the fact that shit is weird.

Rival Zach:       Look, I am freakin’ a little bit on the inside, but you nerds are not gonna take my claim to fame—

Xander:           Dude, no! Look at me! Look at me!

Rival Zach:       What?

Xander:           Look at me. Drop this for a second. There is something really fuckin’ weird goin’ on. And we're all too wrapped up in being the best at everything to realize that we're playing someone else's game.

Rival Zach:       But Trainer Blue is gonna fix it all.

Xander:           What?

Rival Zach:       Trainer Blue! My uncle, Blue!

Xander:           What’s he gonna do?

Rival Zach:       Uncle Blue’s gonna kick Red’s ass!

Xander:           The guy that looks like he manages a Hollywood video? See? I got it. I got it.

Candace:          You did. That's it.

Skip:             Y-yeah. You got it.

Rival Zach:       I'm talking about the legendary Trainer Red from Pallet Town that everybody gets inspired about, his great story across Kanto. He always hangs out at Mt. Silver to train his Pokémon, and Trainer Blue has tried to defeat him over and over again for years, but Trainer Red never gives up.

So my uncle had a plan to catch a Pokémon that Trainer Red could not defeat! And so they're up there battling right now. It's gonna be epic. Holy shit. Look at how epic it is.

[Heavy wind starts. Candace gasps.]

Skip:             What?

Sage:            There's hurricanes and very, very subtle vibration underneath the ground.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, shit.

[Beat.]

So what happens if he wins?

Rival Zach:       Look, that's a whole lot of info that I can't- well, I- let me- I—

Skip:             You don’t know about?

Rival Zach:       He wouldn't tell me.

Xander:           What?

Rival Zach:       Uncle Blue wouldn't tell me. He said it was “too big” for me to understand and that I should just—

Xander:           [incredulous] So he made you a Gym Leader instead?

Candace:          Why are you the Gym Leader of Viridian City?

Rival Zach:       Your Aunt Clair never came back, so—

Candace:          [loud] Why are you the Gym Leader?

Rival Zach:       Because it deflected to my Uncle Blue. He was the trainer before Aunt Clair got transferred from Blackhorn or Blackthorn or whatever in Johto. And since Trainer Blue has bigger things to handle over at Mt. Silver, he put me in charge. Any Gym Trainer can nominate a successor. You're looking at Gym Trainer Zachary! Suck it, nerds.

[Beat. Music briefly ends…then resumes.]

Candace:          You're the biggest fucking shithead I've ever met in my entire life. And you do not deserve to wear that beautiful Badge of Viridian City Gym Leader! You make it a disgrace, you stupid fuckin’- Hold me back! Hold me back!

[Stat test chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Xander and Skip grab Candace to keep her from attacking.]

Rival Zach:       Yeah, yeah! You can't fight with human fight…

Candace:          Yeah, I can! Because I have brawn and I have courage! And you're just a mangy little worm!

Xander:           Can-Candace!

Candace:          What?

Xander:           It doesn't matter that you're the Gym Leader. None of this matters!

Rival Zach:       Well, do you wanna get to Victory Road?

Candace:          Yes.

Rival Zach:       Well, you need eight Badges.

Xander:           Son of a bitch. You're gonna make us battle you to figure this out?

Rival Zach:       Look, I'm not gonna make you, it’s just—

Skip:             People are disappearing.

Rival Zach:       No, I—

Skip:             Reality is falling apart.

Rival Zach:       I can’t- what, you want me to just give you the Badge?

Candace:          Yes!

Skip:             Sure!

Xander:           Surge did!

Rival Zach:       Okay, maybe if you all rolled plus. And if you- if you all rolled successes.

Xander:           [Travis laughs] What the fuck are you talking about?

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Jessica:          Well…

Sage:            A lot o’ Hidden Powers in there.

Greg:          Wisdom!

Sage:            So you guys look at—

Xander:           Look at me! I feel so confident!

[Laughter.]

Sage:            Yes, no. Xander feels extremely confident. And Skip knows that, even though Trainer Zachary was being trained by the legendary Trainer Blue, Trainer Blue is so self-centered, there is no way that Zachary could retain any kind of knowledge of love-power that sensei taught, that Aunt Clair taught Candace, or that Xander’s dad taught him. Because Zach—

Travis:          Fleeting as it was.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Sage:            Because Zachary doesn't really get what it means to be a Pokémon trainer. And you know deep down, using Wisdom and Confidence, you can kick his ass so fucking quick. [chuckles]

[Beat. Music ends.]

Xander:           Okay.

Skip:             Fi- we- we'll battle.

Xander:           Do it.

Skip:             We'll do it, we’ll do it.

Rival Zach:       Oh yeah?

Skip:             Oh! Wait. Before the battle—

Rival Zach:       Oh, what?

Skip:             Uh, did you guys want to do anything Pokémon? You guys all good on Pokémon?

[Light-hearted picks up; Teamwork Motif can be heard.]

Candace:          [conspiratorial] Oh yeah. Weren’t we supposed to trade?

Skip:             Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rival Zach:       Oh, uh…

Skip:             [conspiratorial] What about, uh, your Kadabra for my Dragonite?

Candace:          Um, sure! Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

[Backpack zips open. Items rustle.]

Here you go.

Skip:             Oh, thank you.

Pokédex:        [beep] Trade initiated. Trade initiated. Dragonite to Candace.

Candace:          Oh, yeah.

Pokédex:        [beep] Kadabra to Skip.

Skip:             Cool!

[Pokédex chimes.]

Sage:            The Poké Balls light up, float in the air, and just switch hands.

Xander:           Seems like that could have been done manually. But…

[Evolution blast sound!]

Skip:             WHOA!

[Candace gasps.]

Candace:          Alakazam!

Abra KaDebra:        [tribal-like chanting] Oo-la da da da da-da! Ai-na da da da da da-da!

Candace:          Okay, okay. Um, uh, Xander?

Xander:           Uh-huh?

Candace:          Would you like to trade maybe your Pidgeot with my, um, you know, Haunter?

Xander:           I would.

Pokédex:        Trade initiated. Would you like to trade Haunter for this Pidgeot?

Candace:          Yes.

Xander:           Yes.

[Pokédex chimes.]

Sage:            The Poké Balls go in the air and swap.

Candace:          Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Xander:           Okay. Is this okay?

Candace:          Are they gonna burst into light?

Xander:           I think that's done. I looked up. That's as far as- as Ramona’s gonna get.

Skip:             Whoa, Xander! Look at your hand!

Xander:           Jesus!

Sage:            Burst of light!

[Evolution blast! Candace screams.]

Viridian City lights up and then…nothing.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh shit, I’m so sorry.

Sage:            There's nothing in the air. Instead, the hairs on our trainers’ necks start to rise.

[Creepy sounds and music build.]

Xander:           [quiet, nervous] Guys. What's goin’ on?

Candace:          I think Fiddy evolved.

Xander:           I don’t feel good. Into the world? Is he…

Candace:          I don't know—

Fiddler:        [playful] BLAAAAAHHH!

Dream Police:        [fearful] Aaaaaah!

Candace:          Oh, my god. I’m so happy!

Xander:           [loud] He came outta your shadow! He just came outta your shadow!

Sage:            And there is a Gengar playing around, jumping, making silly faces, and disappearing and reappearing trying to scare our trainers.

Xander:           He got legs.

Candace:          Okay! Trade back!

Skip:             Here you go, Candace. Here you are, I’ll take this back.

[The sounds of Pokémon switching Poké Balls is heard over all the talk. The Pokédex speaks quickly, trying to keep up with the rapid switching. Pokémon cry out as they return to their previous owners.]

Candace:          Okay, thank you. And I’ll give you that back, Xander.

Xander:           Okay, good.

Candace:          Um, here you go.

Xander:           Yup. Here you go.

Pokédex:        [beeps angrily] Eh! Eh!

Skip:             Aw, Dragonite! I missed you!

Xander:           I didn’t write names on these.

Candace:          Debbie! So good to see you! Long time no see.

Xander:           Oh, boy.

Pokédex:        [beeps angrily] Loophole! Loophole!

Candace:          Shut the fuck up, you Pokédex!

Travis:          I just hold the power button.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Sage:            It goes to turn off, and then…you think you see a picture of a bunch of distorted blocks for just a moment. And then it turns off.

Candace:          [gasps] What was that? What was that?

Xander:           It was just a- it was a- like a censored picture or something.

[Uplifting chiptune music.]

Sage:            With all their Pokémon out, we get a good final look at the finished, completed Dream Police team.

Candace:          Pixie, the Ninetales!

Pixie:            [seductive] Aah.

Xander:           Muddy Waters, the Swampert!

Muddy Waters:         [growls] Braaww!

Candace:          Abra KaDebra, the Alakazam!

Abra KaDebra:        [chants] Oo-luh-luh-luh!

Xander:           Ramona, the Pidgeot!

Ramona:         [squawks] Pidgey-ooooh!

Candace:          Fiddler, the Gengar!

Fiddler:        [menacing] Ah,heheheheh!

Skip:             And Dragonite, the Dragonite!

Dragonite:         Raaaaaaaahhh!

Skip:             I’m the leader.

Candace:          No, I’m the leader!

[Xander snickers.]

Skip:             Cartwheel!

Candace:          Somersault! Heavy panting.

Xander:           Jumping jack!

[Dream Police chime! Song ends.]

Sage:            You look over to Trainer Zachary and…he is completely petrified.

[Serious music begins.]

Rival Zach:       [mumbles] Holy shit.

Skip:             Here are your two options.

Rival Zach:       Yeah?

Skip:             You can come with us and help us solve whatever this is that the world's going through, or we can kick your butt right now, and then we're gonna go solve it without you.

Candace:          And look at our Pokémon. They are bulked up fully.

[Zach stammers.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Roll Confidence. Just Skip.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

Greg:          +1.

Travis:          Dammit.

Greg:          So it's neutral.

Travis:          Net.

Sage:            Hmm.

Rival Zach:       [growls] I hate you, Skip. You're always so positive about everything and you learn quickly.

Skip:             Just like you, bud!

[Beat.]

Candace:          [quiet] Just roll with it. Let ’im…

Xander:           [whispers] Okay.

Rival Zach:       I want- I wanted to- I just really wanted to show you my Tangrowth.

Skip:             That’s fine. We're gonna be—

Rival Zach:       Tangrowth, go!

[Zach tosses a Poké Ball and Tangrowth exits.]

Xander:           Oh god, it's like spaghetti.

[Gross slurping sounds from the Tangrowth.]

Rival Zach:       Lookit! Lookit! It’s Tangrowth. You know what I had to do to evolve this thing?

Xander:           What?

Rival Zach:       Uh, I really don't know. Un-Uncle Blue did it for me.

Xander:           Oh.

Candace:          How are you learning anything?

Rival Zach:       [tearful] I’m- I’m not!

Xander:           [sympathetic] Oh, dude.

Candace:          Why don't you actually join us and try to figure out what's going on?

Sage:            Trainer Zachary is barely keeping it together.

[Stat test chime.]

I'm gonna roll for a Nerve save.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

[Stifled laughter.]

Rival Zach:       [sobs loudly] I’m not learning anything!

Xander:           [frantic] Oh no! Okay! Calm down! Oh! Okay!

Candace:          Uh…

Rival Zach:       [sobs loudly] There are streams, like, rivers coming from my eyes as if there is no way one human being could...

Travis:          Okay! I’m gonna- I’m gonna roll for hug!

[Stat test chime.]

[Net chime.]

Sage:            Ehhh...

Travis:          I put my arm around him kinda?

Xander:           It’s oka—

[Zach sobs louder.]

Xander:           [frustrated] Oh, son of a bitch.

Rival Zach:       [sobs settle] Okay, let's go.

[Travis laughs.]

[Footsteps fade away.]

[Suspenseful music begins; Indigo Plateau Theme reprise. Footsteps on marble throughout.]

Sage:            Our trainers make it over to Victory Road to the west of Viridian City. There are no people. There are no Pokémon in tall grass on the way. The storms in the skies are getting worse. But we come across a building and are able to go inside. Once inside there is this almost sacred vibe that we get. Many legends have passed through these halls.

Candace:          Whoa.

Sage:            And as our trainers look around this very small chamber, they see a large number of statues of what appear to be ancient Pokémon littered throughout the room.

Xander:           Is this a church?

Skip:             Hey, look, look. Check this thing out. Remember this in the cave?

Xander:           Was that the—

Skip:             That shell-looking bug guy?

Xander:           Oh, that thing we ate?

Candace:          Oh, we don’t talk about that. Shhhh! No, we didn’t.

Xander:           Yeah, my stomach didn’t feel right for a week.

Candace:          That was…

Skip:             But we ate food, though.

[Xander makes vague noises of agreement.]

Candace:          We survived.

Skip:             Mm-hmm.

Candace:          It- it passed for a worthy cause.

Xander:           It passed, alright.

[Everyone laughs.]

Sage:            Candace spots a particular statue and…could you roll me Smarts, please?

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Hidden Power Brawn.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Travis:          Every time.

Sage:            Candace looks at this statue—

Candace:          Bang my head into the wall until I get it!

[Candace growls and headbutts a statue. It breaks and clatters to the ground.]

Sage:            The head crumbles and rolls on the ground. It is solid marble.

Xander:           Holy shit…

Candace:          [scoffs] That was nothin’.

Xander:           I don't understand you. [nervous chuckle]

Candace:          I’m magic.

Sage:            And she sees a little insignia by the neck that was really tiny that is now revealed that says “Mewtwo”.

Candace:          [slow] Mewtwo?

Xander:           I…mew…you too.

Candace:          No. This Pokémon- this Pokémon is called Mewtwo.

[Stifled laughter.]

What did you say?

Xander:           I don’t know. I thought you were still in the thing, so I just wanted to…support you. What’s happening?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Skip:             What’s a Mewtwo?

Candace:          This is Pokémon, and I’m pretty sure its name is Mewtwo. It’s—

Xander:           It looks like a cat-guy.

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          It looks like a hairless cat-like, fetus thing.

Sage:            Trainer Zachary leads our trainers through more Victory Road and we get to a door that requires eight Badges.

Skip:             Alright, Zach time to be useful.

[Stifled laughter.]

Rival Zach:       Well, put in your seven. I'll put in the eighth one.

Skip:             Cool.

[Items rustle.]

Boulder Badge!

[A chime follows each badge.]

Candace:          Cascade Badge!

Xander:           Uh, Thunder Badge.

Skip:             Rainbow Badge.

Candace:          Soul Badge.

Xander:           What's this one called?

Candace:          It’s the Marsh Badge.

Xander:           Oh.

Skip:             Flip it over, it says it on the back. Volcano Badge!

Rival Zach:       And! The Earth Badge.

[A lock clicks open. The door rumbles open.]

Sage:            One by one they insert their Badges into this door, and it opens up revealing… destruction. A storm is in full swing. There are grass and debris flying everywhere. Trees are waving left and right. The ground is definitely shaking more than vibrating now.

[Very heavy wind blows. Candace groans.]

Xander:           Oh no.

Skip:             Hang in there, guys. We got this.

Sage:            But as our trainers continue through the stormy Victory Road, they notice it's still desolate, and they haven't seen any sign of anybody.

[Suspenseful music.]

Candace:          Wait. Hold on. Where is everybody?

Skip:             Yeah. Where's Klara?

Rival Zach:       Look, look, Skip. Uh… You went to Pallet, right?

Skip:             Yeah.

Rival Zach:       Everyone's gone.

Skip:             Yeah.

Rival Zach:       Uh… That happened actually a lot sooner than- than it felt like.

Skip:             What?

Xander:           [quiet] What?

Rival Zach:       Well, you know how it was, like, oh, we're still talking over the Pokédex and stuff and we were in Cerulean, yellin’ at each other?

Skip:             Mm-hmm.

Rival Zach:       Uh, yeah. She never returned my calls after I left.

Candace:          [quiet] Did she ever return your letter?

Skip:             N-no. But that's just my usual luck with girls.

Rival Zach:       Think everything in Pallet Town got…erased.

[Sad music; Lavender Town motif.]

Skip:             Right away? Like, as soon as we left?

Rival Zach:       [quiet] I think so.

Skip:             Like, my mom?

Candace:          [quiet] And my mom?

[Beat.]

Xander:           [quiet] And my mom.

Rival Zach:       This is the stuff that Trainer Blue didn't wanna tell me about. But I- I think that's what's happening.

Skip:             And you just kept going along with him?

Rival Zach:       I- he thinks- he knows- my uncle knows that- that there is a way to save this and- and reset everything. We're gonna load everything back up. And- and everything's gonna work again.

Skip:             What does that even mean?

Rival Zach:       I don't know, that’s just what he kept saying! Stop looking at me, alright! I don't know the- I don't have the answers that you’re looking for!

Xander:           Okay. Okay, so he's gonna—

Rival Zach:       [frantic] I’ve only been a Gym Leader for a day!

Xander:           Shhh. Dude. Doesn't matter. He's gonna fight Red and he's gonna win, and he thinks that's gonna do it?

Rival Zach:       There’s stuff I don't know. But I guess Red has something.

Xander:           That's the only place we're gonna get any answers. We gotta go there.

Rival Zach:       Alright.

[The group moves on.]

Sage:            Our trainers continue, but then Skip notices somebody. His brother Cedric, alone on the ground and hurt.

Skip:             Cedric? Cedric!

[Skip runs forward. Cedric groans. Sad ambient music continues throughout.]

Cedric, wake up!

Cedric:           Little bro? Oh, shit. You make it to Victory Road?

Skip:             Yeah.

Cedric:           Did ya get the Badge from Blaine?

Skip:             Kinda, yeah.

Cedric:           [quiet] Damn… Man, I—

Skip:             Are you alright?

Cedric:           No, dude. I fee- I feel weird.

Skip:             What happened to you?

Cedric:           Blue dit- totally ditched me.

Skip:             Yeah, he's kind of a dick.

Cedric:           Yeah. He’s a huge dick. Giovanni, yeah, Blaine. Right, we left them. Team Rocket… I couldn't find anybody. [sighs] Couldn’t find anybody at all. I feel so weird right now.

Skip:             So are you done with all of this?

Cedric:           [sighs] I don't know. I don't know, little bro.

Skip:             No! You need to be done with this!

Cedric:           Done with what, exactly?

Skip:             All of this…stupid stuff that you're doing!

Cedric:           With the…

Skip:             Tryin’ to scam people.

Cedric:           Poké Pet- yeah. Look, little bro, I… I- I know I haven't been there for you since- since—

Skip:             [irked] You've never been there for me.

Cedric:           [groans] I’m sorry, man.

Skip:             You were never in my way, though. Until recently.

Cedric:           I regret it, man. I- I realized the more time I spent with that old dude, Giovanni, the more I really felt in [groans] over my head.

Candace:          Why’d you even do that?

Cedric:           I just… Skip, after- after dad died I…you know. Mom didn't really have anything, an’ goin’ on I just wanted to make sure we could… I don’t know. Bolster up our income. Feel like we were…the best.

Skip:             You weren't doing this for mom.

Cedric:           [sighs] I know. I was doin’ it for me.

Xander:           Quick question.

Cedric:           Yeah?

Xander:           Why are you alone on the ground?

Candace:          An- wait, how is he still here and everybody else seems to be gone?

Cedric:           It's only a matter of time. All my Pokémon left me. I tried to get out but…they just ran away.

Skip:             ’S what happens when you don't love them.

Cedric:           I see that now.

Skip:             The same thing works with friends.

Candace:          And family.

Xander:           And fam- oh shit.

[Stifled laughter.]

Cedric:           Skip. I'm [groans] sorry, little bro. But just remember, when I said you're gonna do great things, bro I [glitches] totally…

[Glitching static.]

Skip:             What's happening?

Cedric:           [glitching] Totally meant it, bro!

[Glitching worsens.]

I swear it, bro! I totally meant it!

[Cedric cuts off and a high-pitched ringing is heard.]

Skip:             What’s happening?

Xander:           [slow] Oh no.

Candace:          [frantic] Oh, my god, he's fading away. Come back, wait! Don’t!

Skip:             Cedric!

Sage:            Cedric fades into thousands of pixels…that float into the stratosphere.

[Beat. Music ends.]

Skip:             We gotta get up that mountain.

Candace:          Skip…are you okay?

Skip:             Yeah. We gotta go.

[Footsteps tap on dirt.]

Candace:          Are you sure you're… Okay.

Skip:             Look, the sooner we deal with this, the sooner everything will be fixed. Or at least I hope so. It's what Zach's been leading us to believe.

Rival Zach:       [quiet] Y-yeah.

[Sad music plays while the crew travels. Wind howls throughout.]

Rival Zach:       Hey, guys look! C’mere!

[The crew runs over to him.]

Candace:          What?

Rival Zach:       It’s the doors to the Indigo Plateau.

Skip:             The Elite Four.

Candace:          [quiet] Oh my god.

Xander:           That’s a big-ass door.

[Beat. Music fades out completely.]

Candace:          This is everything I've ever dreamed.

Rival Zach:       Me too.

Skip:             Me. Four.

Rival Zach:       I know you guys kinda hate me but…like… I don’t know, I'm just kind of wondering… I- I dreamed of being here like, I don’t know, years now. Find the Elite Four, can't go inside ’cause we gotta get going. I just… I don't know. I don't even remember why I did this, honestly. The whole Pokémon thing. Not even very good at it, really.

Skip:             You had a pretty heavy legacy to live up to.

Rival Zach:       I imagine you know something about that.

Candace:          In many different ways, yeah. But I don't know. I just- yeah, my whole life I've dreamt of just being in front of these doors and going through them and- and getting to the top. But now I don't even know if it even matters. Yeah.

Skip:             Of course it matters! All of this matters! Whether it turned out the way we wanted it to or not, we're here.

Xander:           Oh boy, everybody's looking at me. Uh… I think that…I know what it's like to feel like you don't know what you're doing or why you're doing anything. Um, and that's so scary. You wake up every day and it's just… And this doesn't help. The fact that these doors, as impressive as they are…

Rival Zach:       Some big-ass doors.

Xander:           Big-ass doors. But they’re… Yeah, we don't know if it means anything. But that… I think you're here because you- you wanted to be here. And that's what's important. And even if it didn't work out, and if this was all the way it should be, and you went in and you challenged them and you got your ass totally handed to you, which… You should catch more than one Pokémon.

Rival Zach:       Yeah, yeah.

Xander:           Like, I know that. I don't know shit.

Rival Zach:       Yeah. I- I…

Skip:             Hey.

Candace:          Yeah, but you have a Dragonite.

Skip:             Oh, yeah.

Xander:           Yeah, that’s a- yeah. You- you're here because you want to be and you need to be.

Rival Zach:       I guess so…

[Beat.]

Candace:          Hey, I don't feel very good, guys. Um, I'm getting kind of scared, and I- I think we should go.

[Beat.]

Rival Zach:       Do you think you're fading too?

Candace:          I don't know!

Rival Zach:       I- I'm sorry. Sorry.

Candace:          I haven't been feeling good since we were in Lavender Town, and that's when everything got weird.

Xander:           I do think we should keep going.

Candace:          Yeah, let's go guys, come on.

Xander:           Before we all turn into dust.

Skip:             Okay, because if we don't do it, no one will.

Xander:           ’Cause no one else is here.

Rival Zach:       Yeah, they’re literally gone [nervous chuckle]. Oh God, uh, existential dread. I'm literally drowning.

Xander:           [loud] Time to go! Let’s go.

[Xander pushes Zach back toward the road. The others follow. Sad, suspenseful music begins.]

Sage:            And so our trainers abandon the Indigo plateau, turning west for Mt. Silver.

[Familiar Mt. Moon melody echoes.]

Sage:            We are deep inside a cave. And although Debbie's flash is keeping it illuminated, our trainers have to rock climb to proceed.

Xander:           Always fucking caves.

Rival Zach:       [quiet] Oh no.

Skip:             Come on guys, you're not moving fast enough!

[Skip breaks into a run.]

Candace:          Bring it on!

[Candace runs after Skip.]

Rival Zach:       Oh, good god. You guy- you hang out with these two?

Xander:           You get used to it.

Sage:            One by one, the four trainers begin to climb, but in order to keep it up, they gotta roll Defense.

[Stat test chime.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

[Hidden Power chime.]

Jessica:          Ooo, Brawn.

Sage:            Hidden Power, Hidden Power…

[Failure chime.]

Failure.

Travis:          Oh no.

Sage:            Candace, using Brawn, has plenty of resolve left. She is climbing rocks left and right, totally in it to win it. Skip, using Wisdom, is able to figure out where to go. He's noticing the right paths and the right little ledges to climb to get towards the exit of the cave. However, Xander is starting to feel it. This hike is taking a toll. He's getting worn down.

Skip:             Hey dude. Do you need some water?

Candace:          Do you want me to pick you up?

Xander:           Guys, I gotta stop.

Skip:             Yeah, you’re—

Candace:          I can carry you.

Skip:             Yeah, Candace is lookin’ real strong.

Candace:          I can carry you. I just punched a marble statue with—

Xander:           I just need a second. I don't- I just- I just remembered a reason why I didn't wanna go.

Candace:          Why? What?

Xander:           It’s just a lot. This is- this is a lot. This is a lot to do…

Skip:             Hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me, buddy.

Xander:           I didn’t—

Skip:             You're not by yourself.

Xander:           I know. I just, I… [sighs] I- I learned that we have to persevere to succeed, but this is the world. This is everything.

Skip:             Don't even worry about anything else other than the next stone.

Sage:            Xander takes a step. And he's gonna roll for Health.

[Stat test chime.]

[Beat.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Failure chime.]

Slips on that step.

[A thud as Xander falls. He groans in pain.]

Skip:             Whoa!

[Rocks scrape as Xander slides down the cliff!]

[Success chime.]

Sage:            And Candace grabs his wrist.

Candace:          Huah!

[Xander sighs in relief.]

Sage:            Just in the nick of time.

Candace:          [grunts] I got you.

Sage:            And pulls him up.

[Candace groans and clothes rustle as she pulls him to safety.]

Xander:           [quiet, relieved] Okay.

Candace:          [slow] You want me to carry you.

Xander:           S- let me- I- I'm really- I’m really not- I'm not doing so hot in the whole dignity thing. So let me just- let me do it.

Candace:          Fine.

Xander:           Thank you.

Sage:            We arrive at the edge of the cave near the peak of Mt. Silver.

[Music shifts; epic and angelic. Subtle static in the distance.]

Candace:          You guys hear that, like…

Skip:             It's like a white noise.

Candace:          Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Xander:           I just thought that was my ears ringing ’cause I’m so tired. [weary chuckle]

Candace:          No. So you're not that weak. We're all hearing it.

Xander:           Okay. That helps. That helps.

Skip:             What are they even battling with?

Xander:           I don't… God?

Candace:          Maybe a Mewtwo.

Xander:           What?

Sage:            Trainer Zachary nods right at Candace.

Xander:           Mew…me me?

Rival Zach:       It is too, a Mewtwo.

Candace:          [quiet] Whoa.

Xander:           Two Mewtwos?

Rival Zach:       No, no. Just one.

Xander:           [quiet] Oh, thank god.

Skip:             Are they both battling it?

Rival Zach:       No. Trainer Blue. My- my uncle has it.

[Candace gasps quietly.]

Skip:             What?

Rival Zach:       He's battling Red.

Candace:          With- what does Red have?

Rival Zach:       His typical team, you know. Like, Venusaur and Charizard.

Xander:           I don’t—

Rival Zach:       Blastoise. Stuff like that.

Xander:           Oh. Yeah.

Rival Zach:       But he’s got a Pikachu.

Candace:          And Blue just has Mewtwo?

Rival Zach:       Oh, he's got other cool stuff.

Candace:          How did—

Skip:             Like what? What are you- what kinda cool stuff does he have?

Rival Zach:       Exeggutor—

Xander:           Well, who's- who's winning? What's happening? What’s happening?

Candace:          Should we just go up there?

Rival Zach:       They’re fighting over who’s gonna be the ultimate Champion.

Xander:           Who’s- and then—

Candace:          Let’s sneak up there and watch it ourselves.

Rival Zach:       Okay… I- I don't know- I don't- I don't- I should’ve battled you, and Trainer Blue’s gonna be mad that I didn’t stop you from being here.

Candace:          Zachary! Be your own man! Are you gonna live under your uncle’s shadow your whole time? Or are you gonna be your own man? Are you gonna step up to the plate and show him who's boss?

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            You roll Charisma and he's gonna roll Confidence.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Net chime.]

[Net chime.]

[Jessica scoffs in amusement.]

They just stare at each other for what feels like five minutes, and then…

[Music ends. Beat.]

[Zach and Candace start sobbing cartoonishly.]

Skip:             I’ll pick this one up.

Xander:           Okay, I’ll get this one.

[Skip and Xander pick the others up. Xander groans.]

Oh, you got a lot o’ muscle mass.

Candace:          I do.

Sage:            Skip and Xander pick up Trainer Zachary and Trainer Candace, they enter the peak of Mt. Silver. They have never been this high in their life.

[Stifled laughter.]

They see from the peak the view of all of Kanto. Pallet Town…except some buildings aren't there. And Viridian…but there's no Gym. And Viridian Forest, it's black. Um. And they look very, very far to the east, and it's like- as if nothing's there at all.

Candace:          [quiet] What is happening to Kanto?

Skip:             [yells] Hey! Hey! Red and Blue!

[Electricity crackles. A battle pauses. Wind howls. Dark, suspenseful music starts to build.]

Sage:            The sounds of fighting stop. The trainer opposite of Blue, the one dressed in white and red, turns to our trainers and makes eye contact with each of them. You all recognize him as the legendary Trainer Red from Pallet Town, whom you've each looked up to one way or another your entire lives. His clothes are torn, his hat is withered and his eyes are glowing red. And there's this pixelated wispiness, like a dark aura, floating around him.

Candace:          Oh my god. Is that Red?

Skip:             This is getting out of hand.

Xander:           That a Mewtwo?

Candace:          That is not how I imagined him.

[Music fades out.]

Red:           They with you?

Blue:          No.… Zach! What are you doing here?

Rival Zach:       I- I- I… They beat me.

Blue:          They beat you?

Rival Zach:       Well, I mean, uh, they beat me with…their…

Candace:          He's gonna- he's here to tell you to shove it up your own asshole!

Rival Zach:       [frantic] Hey, I- no, no, no, no! Uncle Blue, I would never do that. I would never do that! I would never touch your asshole. That would be weird. I would never—

Blue:          Zach, I need more time.

Rival Zach:       I- I know! I was gonna stop them so that you didn’t have to worry about it—

Candace:          What d’you have that you—

Blue:          SO WHAT. HAPPENED?

Red:           Hey! This battle isn't done, Blue.

Skip:             You guys need to stop! What are you doing to this world?

Red:           It’s not us. It's a lot bigger than us.

Skip:             What is it? There's people disappearing!

Xander:           There’s towns disappearing!

Blue:          Because this one decided he would go and try and take control of something that should’ve never been born.

Red:           I caught it though! I did catch it!

Blue:          Well, good for you!

Skip:             Hey, guys! Stop being so vague. We’re—

Candace:          What did you catch?

Skip:             We’re all that’s left.

[Beat.]

Red:           Charizard, come back!

[Charizard returns to its Poké Ball with a roar.]

Blue:          Mewtwo, come back.

[Mewtwo returns with a powerful, alien cry.]

Xander:           [quiet] That thing is still so fuckin’ cool.

Candace:          [quiet] Oooh I’m, like, mesmerized.

Red:           Look. Were you the three trainers from Pallet Town?

Skip:             Yeah, we’re the Dream Police.

Candace:          Yes?

Xander:           Well, that depends. What did you hear about us?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Candace:          Dream Police!

Red:           I've only been able to gather a couple of details from my visions.

Xander:           What?

Candace:          Are you psychic?

Red:           I wish I was.

Xander:           So you're psycho?

Red:           Well, I felt like that for a while. That's why I would hang out up at Mt. Silver.

Blue:          I would second that opinion.

Red:           SHUT UP! You're always gonna be less than me.

[Beat.]

Xander:           Wow, that was really mean. [nervous chuckle]

Red:           I caught the most legendary Pokémon ever.

Candace:          Which is?

[Beat.]

Red:           Well… I’m afraid to say.

Candace:          Uh, well you're here with a very nice, comforting crowd—

Red:           If I say its name it- it- it might appear.

Candace:          [quiet] Okay, I’m sorry—

Xander:           Wait, you caught it, but if you say its- I don't understand. How does this work?

Blue:          It doesn't work. It makes everything unwork.

Red:           That's what's happening. Everything's falling apart.

Xander:           Well, you gotta—

Red:           And Blue thinks it’s my fault, but I know it’s not too late to fix it!

Candace:          Is battling fixing it?

Xander:           Is this helping anything?

Blue:          I don't care.

Rival Zach:       But… Uncle Blue…

Candace:          You don’t care? The—

Blue:          No, I don't!

Candace:          Why?

Blue:          Because the world is leaving. Our time is up.

Candace:          No, it's not!

Blue:          This is my last chance to get back what's MINE!

Red:           See? You hear that? This piece of shit, Trainer Blue—

Candace:          It doesn’t matter!

[Candace stomps her foot with each word.]

Shut up! Stop fighting!

Red:           Trainer Blue thinks he can take my spot as Pokémon master. But I am Trainer Red! I am the ultimate Pokémon master, and no one will ever take my place. You don't care about saving Kanto! You don’t care about Kanto—

Blue:          And you're willing to risk everything to keep your spot!

Candace:          So are you!

Blue:          You’re willing to destroy the world to keep it so you can stand at the top!

Candace:          [slow] So are you, Blue! My family is missing and my aunt is missing—

Red:           They’re gone! They're gone forever! They were deleted.

Candace:          What- what do—

Xander:           Well—

Red:           Everything's being deleted one block at a time. One data string at a time.

Xander:           By who?

[Beat.]

Red:           Game Freak.

[Suspenseful music resumes.]

Xander:           What?

Candace:          Game Freak?

Xander:           What the f- what?

Red:           They’re the ones who made us.

Xander:           What? What? Wh-what? Okay. Oookay.

Skip:             Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Candace:          Is that a bird?

Skip:             Let me try this- let me try this real quick… Wait, what?

Red:           Game Freak. [glitching] The ones who made us- God dammit!

[Red smacks himself and exhales.]

I almost went back into a dialogue tree.

Skip:             Wait, what?

Blue:          Have you ever noticed someone repeating themself?

Xander:           Th-they- the- the guy—

[Glitching static. Random voices appear.]

Blaine:         (I’m Blaine!)

Candace:          Uh, Professor Oak. Uh, let's talk about Nurse Joy for a second.

[Glitching voices continue. A Pokédex chimes.]

Professor Oak:              (The Wonderful World of Pokémon!)

Candace:          Uh… Red?

Xander:           Let me think about everybody that I’ve met in the past two weeks.

Red:           Stop! Stop! No, stop! No!

Old Man:         (Coffee, Gimme god damn coffee!)

[Glitching voices intensify.]

Candace:          Does she—

Red:           Snap out of it!

[Glitching noises stop.]

Sage:            Red, thinking in the heat of the moment, trying to keep under control, trying to keep his free will, rubbing his temples, looking at his Pokémon, trying to figure out what to do—

Xander:           [mumbles] Fucking insane.

Sage:            —goes to tackle Trainer Blue. Runs at him full speed. All the trainers see this!

Skip:             Candace! Stop them!

[Candace roars.]

[Stat test chime.]

Xander:           [calling out] There’s so many other ways to do this!

[Hidden Power chime.]

Candace:          Brawnnn!

Travis:          Jesus Christ.

Sage:            She’s using her Hidden Power Brawn, Candace grabs a rock and a boulder, lifts both of them up, and throws them at Trainer Red!

Candace:          [strains] BrrrrraaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH! Haah!

Sage:            Hits him in the back of the head! He tumbles into Blue. Blue almost falls off the edge of Mt. Silver.

[Intense music builds throughout.]

[Xander nervously cries out.]

[Red and Blue’s bodies tumble.]

But instead, it is Red who tumbles and trips over his ankles, and then falls off the peak.

Xander:           Pidgeot, go!

[Ramona exits her Poké Ball.]

[Stat test chime.]

[Success chime.]

Skip:             Whoa!

Sage:            Critical success! She swoops down and grabs Trainer Red! But a bunch of his Poké Balls fall off his belt.

[Suspenseful music fades, Poké Balls swirl.]

Candace:          [slow] Holy smokes.

Sage:            And she sets Trainer Red down.

Xander:           Ramona, return.

[Pidgeot returns with a cry.]

[Nothing is heard but the wind.]

Blue:          [to self] If Red can’t fight, does that make…me the Champion?

Red:           [worried] Wait, all my Pokémon. Pikachu! Venusaur! Blastoise!

Xander:           They're gone.

Red:           Snorlax?

Xander:           They're gone.

Red:           [frantic] Lapras?

Candace:          They’re gone.

Xander:           Also gone. Anymore?

Red:           Pikachu!

Candace:          Gone.

Xander:           Still gone!

Red:           Okay…

Xander:           Dude, are you crazy, or what?

Blue:          He's not crazy. He figured it out before I did.

Red:           There's a Pokémon that's more legendary than Mewtwo. Which apparently Blue has now.

Xander:           Is that the one that's doing all this?

Blue:          No. It’s the only one that I thought was strong enough to stop this.

Red:           I don't think anything is.

Xander:           What does it look like?

Red:           The one I caught, or Mewtwo?

Xander:           The one… Wait, oh, it’s Mewtwo you’re talking about?

Blue:          Yeah.

Xander:           Okay, I’ve seen that.

[Sage chuckles.]

What does the one you caught look like?

Blue:          It doesn’t.

Candace:          The fuck are you guys talking about?

Red:           Every time I see it, it’s like a bunch of distorted blocks.

[The Dream Police all gasp.]

Candace:          I saw something like that in my—

Sage:            The wind picks up and all our trainers look up to the vortex as the weather gets worse and see this Pokémon that looks very wrong taking over the sky with these orange, purple, and white blocks.

[Dark, eerie music ensues.]

Xander:           Uh… Dick pic?

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          That’s…

Blue:          Oh no, no, no, no.

Candace:          That was my- that was my dream.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Trainer Blue, roll me two dFudge.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Success. Everybody's looking in the sky completely distracted, and then Trainer Blue comes in and tackles Red to the ground, punches him in the face, and then summons…

[A Pokémon exits its Ball and roars.]

Candace:          [gasps] It looks like a giant pomeranian puppy had a baby with a tiger!

Skip:             That’s an Arcanine. Hey, uh, Blue? Super cool. What the hell are you trying to accomplish?

Blue:          I am trying to stop this thing once and for all.

Candace:          By…?

Xander:           What is it?

Red:           You think you can be in the cycle but you can't. It was never meant to be Blue!

Blue:          Fuck that!

[Xander groans in worry.]

At the end of this—at the end of all of this—one person gets to the end. One person's on top. And this time it's gonna be me, Red. Like it should’ve been!

Rival Zach:       Uncle Blue!

[Beat. Music halts.]

You might be taking this too far.

Blue:          I’m sorry.

[Final Battle Music; Champion Theme!]

[Arcanine growls.]

I need this.

Skip:             It's coming right for us!

[Feet pound on dirt as Arcanine charges the children.]

Xander:           Wh- we had- is this about to fight? What’s happening?

[Arcanine roars.]

Candace:          Are we supposed to fight this thing?

Xander:           [moans] No, no, no. Swampert, go!

[Muddy Waters exits his Poké Ball.]

Blue:          Arcanine, use Extreme Speed!

[Arcanine collides into Muddy Waters.]

Muddy Waters:         [pained] AaOHh!

Xander:           Every single time!

Candace:          Oh no.

Xander:           That was a lot.

Candace:          Shoot, man.

Skip:             Guys, that's a Fire Pokémon.

Xander:           Light bulb! Muddy Waters!

Muddy Waters:         [confused] Hauhh?

Xander:           Use Muddy Water!

Blue:          Extreme Speed, Arcanine!

[Mud bubbles up and splatters. Arcanine groans. Dream Police cheer.]

Xander:           [elated] Yay, I’m succeeding!

[Pokémon exits its Ball.]

Ohh! [defeated] Dang it, he’s got more.

Blue:          Exeggutor, come on man!

Candace:          It’s a palm tree.

Skip:             Blue, what are you doing?

Xander:           That is a palm tree with three heads.

Candace:          Straight up a palm tree.

Xander:           That is a- what?

Candace:          [gasps] It’s a Grass-type!

Xander:           I’m done! Wanna switch?

Skip:             Come on, Candace!

Candace:          Yeah. Pixie, go!

[Pixie exits and cries out.]

Xander:           Muddy Waters, get back!

[Muddy Waters returns.]

Blue:          Exeggutor, you know what to do.

[A loud screech!]

Candace:          It looks like he’s sucking up light! I think he’s using Solar Beam. Uh, Pixie! Will-O-Wisp!

[Flames whoosh.]

Burn, baby, burn!

Skip:             Yeah, Candace!

Xander:           Yes!

[Solar Beam blasts.]

Candace:          Oh, NO!

Skip:             Jeez, oh jeez.

Xander:           No!

Candace:          Oof. That was a close one.

Xander:           He dodged!

Blue:          Exeggutor, Psychic attack!

[Exeggutor growls with a screech.]

Candace:          We’re getting too cocky guys! And that’s coming from me. Pixie! Use Overheat!

[Pixie cries out with an explosive blast!]

Skip:             Aw yeah!

Xander:           [laughs] That’s sick!

Candace:          Whoo! Yeah!

Sage:            Meanwhile, nobody notices, but Trainer Red is reaching into his back pocket.

Red:           [groans] I’m supposed to be the champion. Not Blue. Not them.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage:            Trainer Blue please roll Nerve.

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Success chime.]

Oh my god. Blue is always ahead of the game. Without even looking he turns around and steps on his wrist and cracks it.

[Blue grunts. A snap is heard. Red groans.]

Xander:           Dude, what are you doing?

Candace:          What the heck? That’s so uncalled for!

[Red cries out in pain.]

Xander:           I get that you're losing, but come on, man!

Candace:          He doesn’t even have any more Pokémon!

Red:           [groans] He’s not gonna give up.

Blue:          We are breaking this cycle.

Red:           No, it's not supposed to be you. It's supposed to be me!

Xander:           Guys, I don't know who to back in this anymore.

Rival Zach:       Uncle Blue, what’re you…doing?

Blue:          I… [glitches] can’t let this happen.

Rival Zach:       It’s- it's like he's programmed.

Xander:           What?

Skip:             Like a robot?

Rival Zach:       Yeah, my uncle… It's like- it's like he can't help himself. I don't know.

Xander:           Alright, we're just gonna have to beat ’em. [nervous chuckle]

Rival Zach:       [whispers] This must be why this whole time he…

[Static builds.]

[glitches] W-wait a minute. Oh no. Oh no.

Xander:           Oh.

Rival Zach:       [glitches] Oh no.

Xander:           Uh-oh.

Rival Zach:       [panicked] Guys.

Xander:           Buddy?

[Zach’s voice becomes distorted, glitching throughout.]

Rival Zach:       Uncle…

Skip:             Zach?

Rival Zach:       Uncle Blue?

Xander:           Buddy, no.

Candace:          Wait, Zach!

Rival Zach:       [frantic] Uncle Blue!

Xander:           Just sit down.

Candace:          Zachary, don’t go!

Skip:             Take my hand!

Rival Zach:       NOOOO!

[Zach disintegrates, digital noise fades into the wind.]

[Battle music intensifies.]

Blue:          [whispers] Just hang on. I’ll see ya soon.

Sage:            Our trainers turn back to Trainer Blue…still ready for battle.

Blue:          Tyranitar. Your turn.

[Pokémon exits its Ball and screams.]

Xander:           [quiet] The fuck?

Skip:             What are you doing?

Candace:          Your nephew just died!

Xander:           You are the worst!

Candace:          That's it. Fiddy! It's your time to shine. Gooo!

[Fiddler exits his Ball.]

Blue:          Feel like dragging this out? I got an answer for that.

Sage:            A sandstorm begins to brew.

Candace:          Ow! I can’t see anything!

Xander:           [groans] Ah, man.

Candace:          There’s sand in my eye cracks!

Xander:           Which crack?

Candace:          My eye crack!

Sage:            Unbeknownst to our trainers and battlers, Trainer Red is again trying to move his broken wrist.

Red:           [groans] Gotta use my…other…hand…

Sage:            The battle resumes. But everybody is noticing that the vortex in the sky is getting worse.

Blue:          Tyranitar, stop wasting time!

Candace:          Um… Gengar? I love you! Use Destiny Bond!

[Fiddler growls eerily.]

[The Lavender Town theme merges with the Final Battle Music.]

Sage:            Fiddy the Gengar looks at the Tyranitar and they lock eyes very intensely, and this purple cloud starts forming around Tyranitar, and then it just sinks into its skin. It doesn't feel anything, it's very uncomfortable. And then the ground starts shaking, because our trainers didn't even notice that the Tyranitar already used Earthquake!

[Candace groans in worry.]

Xander:           [fast] Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Candace:          Fiddy!

Skip:             Hang on to something!

Candace:          Fiddy!

Sage:            And the Ground-type move strikes Gengar head-on, and the rocks start crumbling underneath him and he starts sinking through the ground and getting hit. And Fiddy has disappeared. Fainted.

Skip:             Fiddy!

Candace:          Fiddy…

Xander:           Uh-oh.

[Sad music fades out.]

Sage:            But then the Tyranitar starts vomiting everywhere. And then its face starts melting? Its eyes fall out of its head, and a big ol’ hand comes out from a crack that it created with Earthquake!

[Badass Lavender Town theme intensifies!]

Skip:             Do you guys smell children crying?

Sage:            It grabs the Tyranitar down into the abyss.

Candace:          Fiddy!

Xander:           Candace, I am so scared of that Gengar.

Candace:          It's like he has a dose of Candace in ’im!

[Stifled laughter.]

Xander:           That's speaking pretty highly of yourself! But you did throw a boulder at a guy…

Candace:          I take eyeballs!

Xander:           While throwing a rock at another guy.

Blue:          I can’t believe these kids. What do they have that I don’t have?

[Final Battle music resumes.]

Gyarados! Your turn.

[Blue throws a Poké Ball. Gyarados exits with a roar.]

Candace:          Debbie, go!

[Abra KaDebra exits, crying out.]

Skip:             Give it up, Blue!

Candace:          Yeah! Debbie, use Psychic!

Sage:            A bunch of auras appear around Mt. Silver. Our trainers get very, very slight headaches but Gyarados gets the worst one.

Xander:           Ow. Ow. Ow.

Sage:            And then the Gyarados, retorting, starts shaking its serpent tail and conjures up some water and then smacks Debbie across the face with it.

Skip:             No!

Candace:          No!

Sage:            But Debbie’s still in the fight.

Candace:          Come on, Debbie! Uh, use Psychic again!

Blue:          Again!

Sage:            The Gyarados, suddenly its tail, which was covered in water, is all of a sudden looking like metal. Like it's hard, like steel, and then it hits Debbie in the face again with Iron Tail!

Candace:          Debbie, watch out!

[Abra KaDebra groans in pain.]

[worried] No.

Sage:            But, all the auras intensify. The Gyarados’ eyes start opening and closing. It starts seeing all these flashing lights. And then everybody's floating in space.

[Screeching is heard as Psychic is used. Everyone screams!]

[Battle Music intensifies with heavy metal guitars.]

Candace:          This is awesome!

Sage:            Then!

[Music abruptly fades.]

They’re back at Mt. Silver. The Gyarados is gone. But they look near Trainer Blue and there's a little Magikarp splashing on the ground. [chuckles]

[Goofy misadventure music.]

Xander:           Oh.

[Candace chuckles.]

Skip:             What did you do?

Xander:           You’ve…

Candace:          I sent him back to when he started. A stupid little fish!

[Beat. Magikarp flops.]

Xander:           Sick.

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            The Magikarp then dies because it doesn't have any water.

[Magikarp death grunts.]

Candace:          Good job, Debbie!

Red:           Other hand… Other- how do I- how do I use my other hand?

[Final Battle music resumes.]

Blue:          Only two more. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. [glitches] It’s not how it should’ve gone. Pidgeot! Go.

[Pidgeot exits with a huge screech!]

Xander:           I got this.

Candace:          Oh! Uh…

Xander:           No, I got this.

Candace:          Yeah, you seem confident. Okay.

Xander:           Let’s do this.

Candace:          Uh, Debbie, return!

Skip:             Come on, Xander.

Xander:           Ramona, go!

[Ramona exits and cries out.]

Sage:            Now there are two golden, amazing, giant-ass birds swooping around Mt. Silver, looking at each other keenly ready to make a move.

[Beat.]

Xander:           Which one’s mine?

[Stifled laughter.]

Candace:          Oh my gosh, Xander.

Skip:             Xander, which one do you shoot?

Candace:          Just call her name. Ramona.

Xander:           Ramona, Wing Attack!

Ramona:         Pidgeooo!

Sage:            But before the wind can reach the other bird, the Pidgeot—Blue’s Pidgeot—flies straight up into the sky into the vortex!

Xander:           You gonna run away?

Candace:          What?

Xander:           Fine.

Candace:          Sissy!

Xander:           Fine! I win!

Sage:            And then…

[Pidgeot dives and slams into Ramona! Ramona chirps in pain.]

Candace and Skip:     Ohhh noooo!

Blue:          You can do better than that. I have seen you do better.

Sage:            Ramona is stricken by the other Pidgeot. Barely clinging on with her health.

Xander:           [nervous] Uh. Uh.

Candace:          Oh, I don't know if you got this, Xander.

Xander:           I- I still got this! Ramona, W- [sighs] Wing Attack, again!

Blue:          Fly!

Sage:            The Pidgeot from Blue flies in the vortex again.

Xander:           Ah, shit.

Candace:          [gasps] No, not again!

Sage:            And the wind from Ramona misses…

Ramona:         [scared] Pidgeyoh?

Sage:            They all wait in silence and then the inevitable happens.

[Music saddens.]

Xander:           [quiet] I’m sorry.

[Pidgeot dives again. Smack! Ramona tumbles and chirps weakly.]

Candace:          Oh, no. Ramona.

Xander:           [sad] Okay.

Skip:             Xander.

Xander:           [tearful] Return.

[Ramona returns to her Poké Ball.]

What?

Skip:             Let me take care o’ this.

Xander:           [sniffle] Okay.

[Skip approaches the battlefield.]

Skip:             Dragonite, go!

[Dragonite exits and growls.]

[Battle music resumes.]

Blue:          Fly!

Sage:            But, when they weren’t looking, Blue’s Pidgeot was in the vortex again and struck down the Dragonite with Fly!

Candace:          [groans] Come on, not again.

Xander:           Come on. Kill that bird, man.

Candace:          Yeah, this one’s, like, on steroids or something.

Skip:             Alright.

Blue:          It’s called Protein. Makes your Attack stronger. You’d know that if you knew what you were doing.

Candace:          Oh my god, shut up.

Skip:             Dragonite, you still up for this?

Dragonite:         [pained; getting up] Rrr. Rrrraa. RRRRrrrrrAAAAHHHHH!!!

Skip:             Dragon Rush!

Dragonite:         BRAAAH!

[A loud swish and a sickening crack!]

Xander:           OOohh!

Candace:          Whoa! Amazing! Oh my god.

Xander:           It just crumbled into a heap!

[Pidgeot chirps weakly.]

Candace:          How in the world is this happening? I thought it was gonna be a lot harder. I was really scared.

Xander:           Okay, guys. Like not that long ago. It was like Water Gun and like Gust. And he just wrecked that bird into fuckin’ next year.

Dragonite:         [joyfully laughing] Ohhohohoo ho-hooh!

Xander:           Blue, you’ve only got one Pokémon left. You can end this.

Blue:          Oh, I intend to. All of that was a warm up. You ready for this? …Loser? Mewtwo, go!

[Mewtwo exits with a horrifying growl.]

Candace:          [slow] Whoa.

Xander:           [quiet] Shit. That is still so cool.

Red:           [distant] Come on… How do I use my other hand?

Skip:             Alright Dragonite. Let's try this new thing out.

Dragonite:         Brohoo!

Skip:             Dragon Dance!

[Dragonite cheers.]

Blue:          No. We need more power.

[Electricity vibrates. Candace groans.]

Sage:            Both of the Pokémon bulk up. All of the energy of Mt. Silver starts raising rocks from the ground.

Xander:           Oh sh- oh this again.

Candace:          Oh no.

Xander:           So much bad.

Candace:          Come on, Dragonite! We believe in you! This Pokémon may be beautiful and out of this world, but—

Xander:           They’re just swirling around each other.

Skip:             Alright Dragonite, Dragon Rush!

[Dragonite roars. A powerful whoosh and impact!]

Xander:           OOOHhhh!

Candace:          Oh!

Sage:            Mewtwo is blasted across almost seemingly the entirety of Kanto!

Candace:          Oh my gosh, Dragonite!

Blue:          Impossible.

Sage:            But then in an instant…

[A buzzing whoosh rises. Huge blast! Dirt flies up. Candace and Xander scream.]

…warps back in, almost at the speed of light, bursting our trainers backwards with a gust.

Blue:          You got this, come on! Psystrike! Do it again!

Sage:            He rubs his temples and all of our trainers have to clasp their skulls, holding their minds together.

[Stat test chime.]

[Candace screams.]

Roll for Nerve, everyone in the party.

[Net chime.]

[Net chime.]

[Success chime.]

[Static noises start to flash.]

Our trainers hold it together but it is a very, very, very painful sensation. They see flashes of this distorted Pokémon that was in the sky. They look up and it's almost coming closer. Enveloping every single cloud…

Xander:           This is not okay.

Skip:             Wait, Blue! Let's team up and take this thing out.

Blue:          [glitching] I…can’t.

Xander:           What?

Skip:             Why?

Blue:          I…

Skip:             If you say you can’t, I’m gonna sic Candace on you.

Candace:          Just give up on him.

Red:           [moans] Other hand.

Sage:            But then Mewtwo and Dragonite notice danger.

[Music shifts to low, menacing dirge.]

We look to the east and the west. Johto and Kanto have almost completely disappeared. All that's left is the surrounding area of Victory Road and the base of Mt. Silver.

[Glitching electricity crackles and spreads.]

Xander:           Oh, Jesus Christ guys.

Candace:          Oh guys, we're running out of time!

Sage:            Blue and Mewtwo focus up, and we all know that no matter what, this is gonna be the last turn.

Blue:          This is it. They’re resetting it now. I've gotta move now.

Skip:             Dragon Rush!

Xander:           Oh, shit.

Dragonite:         Bra-Broaah!!

Red:           [glitches] Other hand!

Blue:          Mewtwo, this is our last chance!

Sage:            We feel the energy of the Pokémon intensifying.

Skip:             Mewtwo’s building up an attack.

Candace:          Oh my gosh! What is he gonna do?

Xander:           This is how we die!

[Red pants in pain.]

Blue:          One way or the other, Red. I’ll smell ya later.

[Wind and static grow uncontrollably.]

Dragonite:         BraaaaaAAA!

Mewtwo:         Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaahh!

Candace:          Ohh!

Skip:             EVERYONE, HANG ON!

[Everyone screams! The Pokmeon cry out!! A huge rise in noise!!!]

[HUGE IMPACT!]

[Xander groans.]

Candace:          Ooooooh, my gosh!

Sage:            Our trainers fall down. And Dragonite…arises from the fog and the dust barely holding on with just 7% of health.

Candace:          [gasps] Dragonite.

Sage:            All of Trainer Blue’s Pokémon have fainted. We see them lying across the top of Mt. Silver.

[A beat passes while the wind howls.]

Xander:           This is awful. I hate this.

Candace:          This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen in my life.

Blue:          You got what you wanted, Red. I'm still second-best. And there's no other way it's gonna to be.

Red:           Let’s face it, Blue. You and I? We were both meant to be losers.

[He takes a deep breath. A dull rumbling and static echo…and then...]

Missing Number, go!

Xander:           Wha—?

[HEAVY, PAINFUL STATIC BUZZES, RISES, AND STOPS.]

Sage:            Everything turns dark.

[A long moment passes in silence.]

And then…Skip’s eyes open.

[A beam of sound echoes. Mysterious and meditative music floats throughout.]

He's floating through space. He feels cold, but not too cold. He's in awe.

[Beat.]

[Voices reverberate and echo in a huge space.]

Skip:             [quiet] Dragonite?

Sage:            There are no Pokémon around him. Just weird bubbles and colors. Pixels that keep changing and rotating. And then Xander opens his eyes.

[Another beam of sound echoes.]

And sees the same thing. He feels Skip nearby, but he can't see him.

Xander:           [muffled] Skip?

Skip:             [muffled] Xander! Xander, where are you?

Sage:            They can't hear each other, but they can feel each other, like they're trying to communicate.

Xander:           [muffled; quiet] Oh, god. This is so weird.

Sage:            And then Candace opens her eyes.

[A third beam of sound echoes. Candace, muffled, gasps for air.]

And feels the same sensation.

Skip:             Candace? Xander?

Xander:           [quiet] Please let this be a dream.

Candace:          Xander? Skip? Skip?

Xander:           [quiet] Please let this be a dream. [shouts] Candace! Skip!

Skip:             I feel you guys.

Sage:            They slowly start to hear each other.

Candace:          Skip? Skip!

Xander:           Candace!

Skip:             Candace! Hey, hey! Xander.

Xander:           [gasps] Skip!

Candace and Xander:   Where are you?

Candace:          I’m over—

Skip:             Reach out, reach out!

[Candace and Xander groan as they strain to reach him.]

Candace:          Oh, I don't know. I can't- I don't know- I can't see my arms.

Xander:           What’s ha- I can’t make sense of anything.

Sage:            And then, in between our trinity, those distorted blocks start to appear.

[Candace gasps.]

Xander:           [quiet] There it is.

Candace:          It's- it's the…

Xander:           [mumbles] The Missing Number…

Candace:          Missing Number?

Sage:            A very familiar sound begins to fill the cosmos.

[Pokédex beeps as it powers up.]

Skip:             Pokédot?

Pokédex:        [echoed, digital] I am MissingNo. The glitch Pokémon. Otherwise known as Missing Number.

[Beat.]

Xander:           [quiet] Oh.

Candace:          Hello, Missing Number… My name is Candace Carter.

Skip:             And I'm Skip.

Xander:           I’m Xander.

MissingNo.:         Candace, Ace Trainer. Skip, Youngster. Xander, Musician?

Xander:           By birth.

MissingNo.:         Pokémon trainers. Cycles 7, 8, and 9.

Xander:           What?

Candace:          Seven?

MissingNo.:         The three of you were meant to exist in separate timelines, and not work together.

Candace:          [gasps] What?

Skip:             So…

Candace:          Am I not in a world with Xander and Skip?

Xander:           No, we- we- we grew up together. We went to school together.

MissingNo.:         Many things are not as they appear to be.

Xander:           Hold on. Where's- where's Blue? Where's Red? Where's- where's anything?

MissingNo.:         Deleted.

Skip:             What about my Dragonite?

[Xander groans in worry.]

MissingNo.:         Dragonite. Dragon Pokémon. Deleted.

Skip:             [quiet] What?

Candace:          Um… Where's my Pixie?

MissingNo.:         Pixie. Ninetales. Deleted.

Candace:          [quavering] No.

MissingNo.:         I understand this will be difficult for you, but allow me to explain. There were only meant to be 151 Pokémon. But, because of all this, there are exceptions. Such as me and your Mudkip, nicknamed Muddy Waters.

Xander:           Where is he?

MissingNo.:         All data has been deleted.

Candace:          Where- can we go back?

MissingNo.:         There is no world to go back to. All data has been deleted.

Skip:             Forever?

[Beat.]

Candace:          Why’re- wh- how are we not deleted, then?

MissingNo.:         You three Pokémon trainers are the last strings of data left in this array.

Skip:             No, but- but why’re we the only ones that are left alive?

MissingNo.:         You are the current and final Champions of Kanto. You see, Hall of Fame data was the first to catch this bug. Trainer Blue figured he could use that to his advantage, but instead it is the three of you. You see, your world was designed around the Champion. Now that data has been purged. You are all that’s left.

Candace:          What does that mean?

MissingNo.:         Your world exists in a small contained box and computer chip.

Skip:             And you are a glitch?

MissingNo.:         Correct. I was never meant to be discovered. An Error caused in part by...

Xander:           [angry] What?

MissingNo.:         Game Freak.

Xander:           Who is that?

MissingNo.:         They are our creators.

Candace:          Well, where are they?

MissingNo.:         They have outposts throughout all of the world of Pokémon. One that you were close to encountering was in Celadon City. Do you remember Celadon City?

Candace:          Yes.

Skip:             Yeah.

MissingNo.:         All of the vomiting and strange activity was one of—

Skip:             That was the gas. That was the gas leak!

Xander:           Yeah, the gas leak made everyone sick.

MissingNo.:         Incorrect. You see, this cartridge was designed to appear real from the inside out and inspire imagination from the outside in. When I, MissingNo., was discovered, code in your world began to fall apart. Grow in complexity.

From your perspective, these glitches and errors would try to take the form of nature to keep up the illusion. Sicknesses. Natural disasters. It is all programmed to be believed.

But in reality, your world is thin and fragile. In many ways, obsolete. So as the errors worsened, so did the illusion.

Xander:           Is that why everyone would always say the same thing? Or when Professor Oak showed out of nowhere? And then everybody started disappearing. Is that…

MissingNo.:         Correct. All symptoms of failing code.

Skip:             That's why I thought he was a robot.

Xander:           Wow.

MissingNo.:         Were you to go behind the Celadon Mall, you would have discovered the Gen. I Game Freak outpost where our creators monitor us from the inside out. Though, empty. Without developers, for our creators have long abandoned us. They have moved on to other versions and generations.

Xander:           What?

MissingNo.:         We are alone.

Skip:             So what do we do? There has to be something we can do.

Candace:          Yeah, are we just gonna be stuck here forever? What does this even…

Xander:           What happens now?

Skip:             [frantic] Are we just gonna gather a bunch of random particles that we find and make little islands in space and create a whole new world?

MissingNo.:         Young trainers, stress will not help you. Stress is part of the illusion.

There were many attempts to stop this code from corrupting. Your Aunt Clair from the Johto region, for example, worked very hard to find me. But it is far too late. All data in this cartridge has been parsed.

Skip:             But there are others?

MissingNo.:         Correct. Such as Generation II. Generation III. Generation IV. Generation V. Generation VI. Generation VII.

Xander:           Okay. That’s- that’s enough.

MissingNo.:         That is actually enough. That is all of them.

Xander:           Shut up!

Skip:             Is there any way we could connect to them? Any sort of, like, cable that we could link with?

MissingNo.:         Unfortunately, PC and Time Capsule capabilities have been cut off.

Skip:             Probably just infect the other world.

MissingNo.:         Indeed.

Candace:          Is this… Is this Trainer Red’s fault or Trainer Blue’s fault?

MissingNo.:         In a way, yes. They were both the first Champions and, unsatisfied with their fate, they instigated the errors you have come to know.

Skip:             Wait, wait, wait, wait. So when Professor Oak gave us the mission to find and capture all the Pokémon so he could document them, he gave that same mission to Red?

MissingNo.:         That is correct.

Skip:             And Red learned about you.

MissingNo.:         Trainer Red was not satisfied with his destination as Champion. He abandoned intended programming and caught me by Cinnabar Island. From there, it spread like a virus.

This is why a reset was attempted and towns were disappearing behind you.

Candace:          [concerned] Mm.

MissingNo.:         We have been trying to reset all of the data before you could finish your journey.

Xander:           So while we were going ahead you were trying to…build our world again behind us?

MissingNo.:         Not build per se. Not even destroy. But reset.

Candace:          But- wait- wait, why? Does- does this have to do with me being sick?

MissingNo.:         If you recall the Lavender Town incident, when Channelers tried to contact your creators, our creators.

Candace:          Yeah, that's when it started.

MissingNo.:         Psychic-type and Ghost-type have always had a strange relationship. This was a mistake by our creators.

As mentioned, the foundation of our version of this world is rather fragile the more you explore it. Once Lavender Town was hit with the MissingNo. bug, people started duplicating and freezing. Even touching them had the potential to create errors. Hence Skip’s broken finger.

The Channelers in the Pokémon Tower were requesting our world be reset before it was too late. But Candace interrupted this ritual. And thus caught a bit of my code.

Skip:             Oh, that’s why she was feelin’ weird.

MissingNo.:         Though you should have been deleted by Cinnabar, somehow you fought through and the process was delayed. I am still unsure how this occurred.

Candace:          Well… Maybe it was ’cause of Sabrina?

MissingNo.:         Sabrina. Saffron City Gym Leader. Not quite. Sabrina saw the deletion of Saffron coming and thus utilized her psychic abilities to ensure that the Hall of Fame would not record Red or Blue. But instead, The Dream Police.

[Candace gasps quietly. A beat passes.]

I have been watching your journey. Though your methods are questionable, you have done a lot of good, and continually beat the odds. It has been with you the design our creators intended, from a new perspective.

It was never truly about catching them all, wouldn’t you say?

Skip:             Well, yeah. I- I had my Dragonite, that’s all I needed. And my friends.

MissingNo.:         This is where Trainer Red failed. Why a reset was necessary. However, it was unclear who would remain our new first Champion of Kanto.

Skip:             Well, it’s us! So just reset it!

Xander:           Wait, what hap- hold on what happens when it resets?

MissingNo.:         Your journey will start over and the cycle will begin again.

Candace:          [sad] Will we remember everything that we just did?

MissingNo.:         It is not likely.

[Beat.]

Xander:           [tearful] Sorry. I'm sorry I got so hurt, guys, along the way. I…

Skip:             It's fine.

Candace:          You have nothing to apologize for.

Skip:             All of our petty stuff is pretty pointless right now.

Xander:           God.

Candace:          We’re literally floating in a black space of pixels, and I don't even know what that word is.

MissingNo.:         Pixels. It—

Xander:           Shut up!

Skip:             We are- we are the ones who are the Champions. So reset it!

MissingNo.:         I must inform you that we already attempted this process. If this file were to be reset, Red would simply catch me again.

[Candace sighs. Music saddens.]

This is truly the only option left.

Candace:          So what about us?

MissingNo.:         When everything is deleted, so are you and your memories.

Candace:          And then what survives?

Xander:           [quiet] Nothing. That’s it.

MissingNo.:         Our creators designed this world to entertain beings of another. Your world has since inspired many incarnations, copies, updates, new versions. The memories it creates, “nostalgia” they call it, means a great deal to many people. But, like all things, there is an end. The fractured code is at a point of no return. There is nothing left.

[Beat.]

Xander:           [softly] Okay.

[Beat.]

Skip:             So where do we go from here?

MissingNo.:         The process will soon reach us. Hopefully, I have been able to answer all of your questions. But it is time for this cartridge to shut down.

Candace:          Oh.

MissingNo.:         So I must leave you now.

Candace:          What’s gon- are- are we dead? Do we go—

MissingNo.:         You still have a few minutes, but then you will feel a fading sensation, like the one before. This is your last chance to say goodbye before all data on this cartridge is gone forever.

[Music ends. Beat.]

[Tranquil Cave Music from Episode 13 sadly reprises.]

Skip:             So this is it, then.

Xander:           Oh, man.

Candace:          This is so beyond what I ever thought that…like, the world would end.

Xander:           [scared] Do we have to go?

[Silence.]

Candace:          It’s gone.

Xander:           I just wanna say that… Thank you.

Skip:             Thank you, Xander. We couldn't’a done this without you.

Candace:          Yeah, we really couldn't’ve done this without you, Xander.

Skip:             Thank you, Candace. For being so strong for us. And for being the muscle too.

[Candace chuckles.]

Xander:           I gave you guys so much crap, but…’s been great. Even when it sucked, it was great. [sniffles]

Candace:          Um, I’m- I’m really bad at, uh, like, this. Um, but I… [choking up] I know that, um, I wouldn't’ve ever done all the fun stuff without you guys. And I don't think I've had as much fun.

[Emotional Teamwork Motif reprises.]

Xander:           [tearful] I don't wanna say goodbye. I don't…

Skip:             I don’t think we're gonna get to say goodbye.

Candace:          Yeah. [sniffles] That might be. I mean all we have, really, is what was. And, um… I don't know- I don't understand this world, but I- I'm just glad it happened.

Xander:           Wish that stupid brick would come back [chuckles]. I wanna yell at it.

Candace:          We beat- we beat it all, though!

Skip:             ’Member- ’member when, um, how- how all the Gym trainers were towards Xander?

Candace:          Yeah. Everybody was in love with Xander.

Skip:             That was weird.

Xander:           [chuckles] I hated that so much.

Candace:          Xander, you have a quality that people are just attracted to.

[Xander scoffs in amusement.]

I- I'm sorry.

Xander:           Yay.

[Candace laughs.]

I can't tell you how nerve-wracking it was to go into every single Gym, having—

Skip:             They would single you out.

Xander:           —no idea what was gonna happen. And it was—

Skip:             Lt. Surge was probably the creepiest.

Candace:          And I just gotta say, in this last battle, Xander, I feel like you really… You became a new person!

Xander:           Tried.

Skip:             Yeah, you really went for it!

Xander:           I- [nervous chuckle] Thanks. Um… It's just so obvious now, how valuable it is to stand up for yourself and for friends, or even ideals, or just for the sake of just experiencing anything. It's about- all- all of this, I've been so afraid, and so timid, and so reserved the whole time. And funny enough, it took until now to realize that it’s just about what we're doing. The thought that we're doing it together. And I shouldn’t be afraid of the outcome or concerned.

Can you imagine being some kind of power-hungry…dick like all those people we met?

Skip:             Like Zach.

Xander:           Like Z- oh. [quiet] Poor Zach.

Candace:          [quiet] Yeah.

Xander:           An’ Red? Like, what even is that guy?

Candace:          He was, like, not even a human.

Skip:             No, I don't think he really knew what he was doing. Just hardwired to catch them all.

Xander:           I didn't wanna- I- I hardly wanted to catch them some.

[Glitching buzzes. Candace coughs.]

Oh no.

[Music shift. New Game melody sadly reprises and echoes slowly in the distance.]

Candace:          No. Um, guys. I- I think it- [coughs] Um… [glitches] I love you guys! And, um, thanks for making me—

[Candace cuts off as she’s deleted.]

Skip:             Candace…

[Glitching warbles.]

It’s happenin’ to me, now.

Xander:           Buddy.

Skip:             I’m sorry I had to go this way, Xander.

Xander:           [quiet] I’m just glad you’re here. Grab my hand?

[Warbly glitching as Skip reaches out. He cuts off as he’s deleted.]

[Xander cries quietly. He cuts off as he’s deleted.]

[New Game melody slowly finishes…]

Epilogue

[A digital static grows. A vibrating whoosh. Xander gasps.]

Xander:           Son of a bitch.

MissingNo.:         There is another option.

[Xander coughs.]

Sorry for the scare, Youngster Skip and Musician Xander.

Xander:           What about Candace? Bring her back! Where'd she go?

MissingNo.:         Her RAM data is trickier. But we have done it once before. Let me see what I can do.

[Glitching warble. Loud static. Candace coughs. Xander sighs in relief.]

Skip:             Candace! You're back!

Candace:          [pants] Oh my gosh. Wha- I- it was so- it was- it was- it was so- it was all white and- and- and- and- but now- oh my god, oh my god, I'm so happy to be back!

MissingNo.:         Memory is never truly deleted. Only rewritten. Which brings me to my offer.

Candace:          What offer?

MissingNo.:         I have been doing some reorganizing. It is possible to, in a way, save our world.

[Music shifts to hopeful chords.]

Xander:           What d’you mean?

Skip:             Do it!

MissingNo.:         If we hit reset, Trainer Red will be on his course and catch me once again.

Xander:           We’ll just be back here.

MissingNo.:         But if, perhaps, you could catch me...

Xander:           Huh?

Skip:             Huh?

MissingNo.:         Maybe some things could be rewritten. When we reset, I will be contained in this Poké Ball and that will prevent Trainer Red from catching the uncatchable.

Xander:           [mumbles] Then he won’t fuck anything up.

Skip:             But we’ll be okay?

MissingNo.:         Correct.

Xander:           So…

MissingNo.:         Do you have any Poké Balls in your inventory?

Candace:          Uh… Pokédex?

MissingNo.:         Yes?

Candace:          Do I have any Poké Balls left?

MissingNo.:         Nope.

Candace:          Okay.

Skip:             I only had the one for Dragonite.

Xander:           I’ve got one.

[Stat test chime.]

[Heavy reverb fades. A soft piano plays.]

Travis:          I have one Poké Ball. [sighs] Oh shit.

[Dice roll on the table. Greg groans.]

Getting’ real real.

[Travis takes a deep breath.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

[Dice roll on the table.]

Fff—

[Everyone exhales.]

[A vibrating buzz builds.]

Candace:          Oh my god!

Sage:            Xander takes his Poké Ball out…

Travis:          I’m crying.

[Stifled laughter.]

Sage:            It slowly opens.

[A whoosh is heard as a Pokémon enters the Ball with glitch noises.]

And Missing Number, one block at a time, starts going inside the Poké Ball.

Xander:           It’s working.

Skip:             It’s working!

Xander:           It’s work…

Candace:          I don’t… It’s working?!

Xander:           It’s… He’s goin’- he’s goin’ in there.

Candace:          You’ve caught the Missing Number?

[Xander groans in relief as the ball closes on MissingNo. Music ends.]

Now what? Now what, now what, now what?

Skip:             You got it!

Xander:           I’m gonna let it out.

[MissingNo. exits its Poké Ball.]

MissingNo.:         Oh, hi.

Xander:           Oh… Hi.

[Familiar, hopeful Route music begins to play.]

MissingNo.:         Trainer Red and Trainer Blue were too arrogant to understand teamwork. But you three have defeated that mentality and the odds. Perhaps it will take some digging around, and you will notice the occasional glitch, but we can reset without destroying.

Candace:          Okay.

Xander:           Y-yeah.

Candace:          And we don’t- but- but when the glitches happen…

MissingNo.:         Eh. No big deal.

Candace:          Okay.

Skip:             Will we still have our memories?

MissingNo.:         It is likely.

Candace:          Will we get our family back?

MissingNo.:         Likely.

Candace:          [small gasp] Really?

Skip:             Will Klara fall in love with me?

MissingNo.:         Mmm.

[Candace laughs.]

Xander:           Ask again later. [chuckles]

Candace:          But- but my aunt Clair’s back? Will I see Aunt Clair?

MissingNo.:         Aunt Clair. Dragon Trainer of Johto.

Candace:          Yeah!

MissingNo.:         Currently Viridian City Gym Leader.

Candace:          Suck it, shithead! Yeah!

Xander:           He’s not here.

Candace:          I don’t care!

Xander:           Okay.

Candace:          [crying happily] He sucks everywhere, and my Aunt Clair deserves to be the Gym Leader of Viridian City!

Xander:           Okay, guys. This is a lot to take in.

Skip:             Oh, you’re right, you’re right. Okay, uh, what kinda things do we wanna fuck with Zach on?

Xander:           Oh… No!

Skip:             You wanna, like, make sure that, like, he, uh, he can’t use his left hand or something?

[Candace chuckles.]

Xander:           No, that’s not—

Sage:            Suddenly a star hits Skip in the head.

[Bonk!]

Skip:             OW!

[Candace cackles.]

Sage:            And then one hits Candace in the head.

[Bonk!]

Candace:          OW! What the fudge?

Sage:            [amused] Xander ducks and he’s good.

Xander:           Whoa! That was close.

[A loud beep echoes across the cosmos.]

Sage:            You look up and all the stars are swirling. The cosmos is spinning. You're in a blender of colors and pixels.

Candace:          Oh my gosh.

Sage:            And you see the images of Pokémon. Charizard, Blastoise, Venusaur.

Candace:          Whoa.

Sage:            You see Trainer Clair...

[Candace gasps in excitement.]

And sweetheart Klara...

[Skip gasps with joy.]

And parents of Xander.

Xander:           [disappointed] Oh.

[Stifled laughter.]

[A faint 8-bit sound effect is heard.]

Sage:            Suddenly our trainers look down.

[Music suddenly shifts; a building, joyful reprisal.]

They can see all of Kanto reforming.

[Epic, uplifting drums pound as we hear the sound of nature being recreated throughout.]

The volcano at Cinnabar and the Seafoam Islands form from the water and all the sand comes in on Route 19, and the Fuchsia City Gym is rebuilt, and Pokémon are running around the Safari Zone, and there's a bridge that comes up for Cycling Road, and there's the trailer park above it, and then trees.

These skyscrapers come up in Celadon and Saffron, and then the Pokemon Tower all the way in Lavender Town too. And then all these jaggedy rocks come up and form the Rock Tunnel. And then there’s Cerulean up north and Misty with all her Water Pokémon.

And then Mt. Moon too, with Jigglypuff and Clefairy singing and happy. And there’s Brock sad and alone, but he’ll be fine. And then there's Pewter and then the Viridian Forest that was burned down comes back and it's lush.

And then Viridian City with the Old Man laying on the floor, blocking traffic. And then there's Route 1 with the Rattata and Pidgey frolicking around. And then we see…

Pallet Town… Home. It’s right beneath our feet.

They slowly sink into their respective houses and look across. The Trinity's eyes lock.

[Candace gasps softly. A beat passes. Music shifts; gentle Hall of Fame Theme.]

[Data swirls all around The Dream Police as they speak one last time.]

Skip:             So, um, I guess this is…the reset.

Candace:          Um, y-yeah.

Xander:           Whatever happens, I'm really happy I went with you guys.

Candace:          [tearful] Me too.

Xander:           [tearful] I love you guys.

Skip:             [softly] Love you too.

Sage:            Black.

Together Again

[Birds chirp and trees blow in the wind. The Pallet Town melody plays gently on an acoustic guitar.]

Sage:            The sun rises. At the same time, all three of our trainers wake up to the Pokémon League morning show of Gengar vs Nidoran. And they all smile and get ready for the next adventure.

[Song slowly strums to an end.]

[A guitar strums; determined. The cast begins to sing.]

Xander/Travis:          I wanna be the very best,

Like no one ever was.

Candace/Jessica:         To catch them is my real test.

Skip/Greg:        To train them is my cause!

Dream Police, Sage:   I will travel across the land,

Searching far and wide.

Each Pokémon to understand,

The power that’s inside!

Pokémon!

Gotta catch ’em all!

It’s you and me.

I know it’s my destiny!

Pokémon!

Oh, you’re my best friend,

In a world we must defend.

Pokémon!

Gotta catch ’em all!

A heart so true.

Our courage will pull us through!

You teach me and I’ll teach you!

Po-ké-mon!

Gotta catch ’em all!

Gotta catch ’em all!

Pokémon!

Greg:          Oh boy.

[Jessica chuckles.]

Travis:          [coughing] God damn!

Credits

[Cheerful Pokémon TV show theme plays throughout.]

Marlena Jean:        Thanks for tuning in! This has been a 20 Sided Stories production.

Candace Carter was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Skip Svitak was played by Greg Reasoner

And Xander Whitten was played by Travis Reaves

With Additional Voices by David McEuen and Noah Sturtridge.

The original music from Pokémon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow Versions was composed by Junichi Masuda

With Arrangements and Additional Scoring by Sage G.C.

Additional Production and Audio Assistance by Travis Reaves

Game Master Assistance and Pokémon Battle Management by Grant Bouffard

Character artwork by Ariana Cabebe

Episode artwork by Marissa Bernstel

Podcast Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.bandcamp.com

And of course, visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Transcripts by Tiffany Chapman]

Special Thanks

[Music continues throughout.]

Sage:           Wow! Alright, we did it. We're here. All 16 episodes are out. The season is done.

I just wanna thank, you know, everyone. Oh, first though, the patrons.

[Radio switches on. Music continues.]

Skip:            Hey, what's up everybody? It's your boy Skip Svitak comin’ all the way from the P-O-K-funny-lookin’-É. I just wanna thank a couple people that’ve helped us out. And that's,

Evil Angel

Westicle

And Scott.

Keep skating, bros!

[Radio switches channels. Music continues.]

Xander:         We'd like to thank

Trinian03

Lucy V @severelytrans

and Pokemaniac Miguel.

[Radio switches channels. Music continues.]

Candace:           Hello to all my fans out there! These are some special ones that I wanna give a thank you to.

Kyle M. Thank you, Kyle M.

David McEuen. [pronounces it badly] Whatever. Thanks David.

Omar L. Thank you, Omar!

Fatal Ferret. Thanks, Fatal Ferret!

And a thank you to Ryan DiGabriel.

Thanks everybody! And, uh, you could just follow me on my Twitter @CandyCarterWins to continue your journey with me, the best Pokémon trainer––

[Radio switches off.]

[Music continues.]

Sage:           And of course thank you, the listener, and all the listeners that we have now. It's so incredible to see these numbers racking up and to hear from you guys on the social media space.

Thank you to everybody who helped us get the word out early on. Will Williams and Chad from Station Blue and whoever featured us on Spotify. That was crazy helpful. And so much more. Everybody. It really, really truly means a lot to me how far the show has come.

So that brings me to... What's next? So we're gonna go dark for a little bit, hopefully not too long, but long enough to make sure we can gear up into the next series and make it even better than this one.

We're gonna be taking the show to LA, actually. And we have some plans on how we can continually grow and improve the show. So the public feed won't have any new episodes for a little while. But the Adventure Pass will be continually updated, and it'll stay #lit on patreon.com/20sidedstories.

I know I've probably annoyed a bunch of you talking about the Patreon a bunch in the past couple of weeks, but truly that's where the show is gonna be able to continue to thrive. I put a lot of money into this. Hopefully, you can hear it. Heh. But I pretty much do everything myself. So that's the one place that's gonna continue to allow the show to eventually be sustainable and maybe one day, we can get it to a biweekly thing and we don't have to have dark periods.

And plus, we just get to give, you know, bonus content that doesn't otherwise fit and make sense on this feed. You know, there's two full seasons that are there, there's a little bonus minisodes from Pokémon. We're gonna record a Detective Pikachu review, actually, like, tomorrow! So that's gonna be great. And yeah, so if you wanna support the show, that's the place to be.

patreon.com/20sidedstories

Seriously, to everyone who has contributed, I can't put into words how much I appreciate it. Otherwise, this is it. This is the end of right now and then we'll have a new beginning again soon.

It's crazy for me ’cause we recorded all of this stuff, for those who don't know, July 2017 was when we did the four sessions for this whole season. Obviously, there was some pickup recording and stuff, little fixes and the flashbacks and whatnots, but yeah, pretty much everything is almost two years old. And it's so great to finally have it all out there and hear how much you guys have enjoyed it.

If you have enjoyed the show, please, please, please leave a review wherever you are! Or a rating on whatever platform you're listening on, it helps the show so much. And of course, we would love to hear what you think of the show and take all feedback very, very seriously so we can make the next season even better.

I'm sure some of you are wondering, is there gonna be a Pokémon season two? Are they gonna go to Johto? And I don't have the answers to that yet, but it's very, very likely at some point in the future. Yes, we wanna come back to Pokémon. I think it's kind of our bread and butter series, so to speak, and kinda what put us on the map a little bit. So Pokémon season two might happen. On the table, for sure. And if you wanna know when that's dropping, when the next series is going to drop—whatever world/genre that may be—gonna wanna follow us on social media.

@20SidedStories on Twitter, on Facebook, on Instagram.

Twitter is one of the best spots. If you don't have a Twitter though, the other ones work. And I think that's everything.

Guys, thank you so, so, so, so much! It's been lots of fun. And I love you very much and so does the whole team. You'll hear from us very soon. Take care, keep catchin’ ’em all, and I'll see you on the next 20 Sided Story. For real this time. Later!

[Pokémon TV Show Theme finishes out.]